If I Were You - 279: Mona Lisa

Episode Date: June 19, 2017

In this episode we discuss pissing style, missing smiles, and kissing piles. Well, actually just the first one, but man it's fun to rhyme! Also, we talk about instituting some new segment ideas! Let us know what you think on twitter. Do people read these? Let's find out!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Love it. I did that. No. Well, I inspired it to be what it was. Huge difference. Huge difference. I'm saying that, like, cosmically, I wrote and recorded that song.

No, you didn't. No, like, I didn't write or record it, but like. Okay, so let's say that, that's it. You don't say anything else. You didn't write or record it. I know, but I am the reason that it is. So thanks to me for making it or creating it. You're so grandiose.

Nobody knows who made the Mona Lisa. They know who the lady is. That's the exact opposite of the Mona Lisa. It's not called whatever the artist was. You don't know the Mona Lisa. Who was it? Da Vinci or some shit? Jesus Christ.

And then they call it the Mona Lisa, right? And do you know why they call it the Mona Lisa? No. Because, I'll tell you why, because the person in it, the hot, the girl with the fucking. The hot girl. The girl with the tits on it was called, her name was actually Mona and her last name was Lisa. I thought the whole thing is that they don't know what it is. There's like a theory that it might be.

Right. Yeah, but I'm saying like, it's better to inspire art than to make shit. You're a bad person to run through. If you want to know who wrote that song for whatever reason. Yeah. The fucking Picasso or whatever. Not even Picasso, because that's a good artist. The guy who made that.

You think Picasso is good? The guy who made that shitty song. It's interesting that you like Picasso. Timmy Badger from Taunton, England. So thanks, thank you, me. And thanks, Timmy. Oh, how about this? His name is Timmy Badger.

So I'll say thanks to me for making that song. Interesting. The Mona Lisa is, it's a portrait of Lisa Girardini. What are you reading? Just Mona Lisa's Wikipedia. And? Well, Lisa del Diocando. Her name was given to Mona Lisa, her portrait commissioned by her husband and painted by

Leonardo da Vinci during the Italian Renaissance. So I guess I nailed the da Vinci part. Why is the Mona Lisa so good? I could pretty much do that. I think it's her chubby hands that were kind of unique for the time. Really? Yeah. So do you see how her hands are sort of crossed, but the right one is a little plump?

Oh, no, not really. Do you see how you probably couldn't put a small little wristwatch on her? I think you could. Well, I'm saying like, she doesn't have a bony wrist, right? You see how it's kind of inflated a little bit? I think he was the first one to do that shit. Oh, it's on the Wikipedia says it's the subject's expression. I see.

Yeah, that's it. It's enigmatic. Well, not really. She's just smiling. I think it's her hands. The monumentality of the composition and the subtle modeling of forearms. Oh, no. Sorry.

Just those forearms and the atmospheric illusion. Does it mention anything about her? Novel qualities that contributed to the fascination of the study. I'm just counting her fingers. She has three on her right hand and two on her left. No, you're looking at the wrong thing. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. The Mona Lisa. This one looks normal. Okay. She looks fine, but didn't anybody else do some stuff that was fine like this? You would think so, right? Like when he finished it, was he like, this will be the most famous painting ever? Yeah.

And when other people looked at it, weren't they just like, oh, I draw portraits too. Yeah. This one's called Dana Ryan and she's also kind of smiling. Her hands are equally chubby and I think that's it in terms of what makes the Mona Lisa unique. I wonder how much it would cost. Oh, it doesn't matter. To buy? Yeah.

If I wanted to purchase it, just to have it at my place would be kind of fun because I'm looking like to put like a little piece above the, you know, in between the window and the living room and the kitchen. I figure if I put like a little something there, like if it's the Mona Lisa or something. I think it's, I actually, unfortunately I do think it's priceless. So I don't think you're going to be able to do that. Well, I got some, I got some priceless things that I can use to buy. In what sense?

What do you mean? What do you have that's priceless? Like a child's smile. Something that you can't put a price on. Yeah. You don't own that. Like how would you, you would walk into the Louvre and be like, hi, you're, you have a priceless piece of art, but I have a child's smile.

That's right. And you would trade it. A baby's first laugh, I would say. But how would you give them that? Well, I would have a video of it. So. Thoughts? We alienated anybody that's listening to this podcast for the first time, which is exactly

the way I like it. And now that we're here with just our fans that, and that don't appreciate art history, we can let you know that this is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by Osama Mir. I am Mona Lisa. And I am smiling. You know what I had earlier today? Diarrhea.

I did, not diarrhea, but I, do you ever have a pee that comes out not straight ahead, not a laser? Oh yeah. What is that? Well, sometimes it just goes off to the left. I did guess you masturbated recently. Sometimes the dried semen hardens in your urethra. No, it wasn't that.

And it makes the pee hole close in a certain way or blocks off. Oh yeah, the urethra. Have you ever had a double stream? Yep. It's called the snake. Really? Well, no. Yeah, I'm just calling it now.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That's when you take a hiss instead of a piss. That's really nice. And then have you ever had one that went straight up instead of down? Yeah, I've also had one that went angled down straight into my shoes. Oh, so straight down. Yeah, straight down onto the legs.

Have you ever had one that did a lasso so it went into the toilet, began to boomerang back up into your kidneys? You realize you have control of it? Yeah. You harness the power of your piss. Exactly. You walk outside, wave it, throw it around somebody. And yank them towards you.

Praying to justice. Yeah. Have you ever had one that became glasses on you? So it pissed up in the air and then it went over your eyes. I had one that was a monocle, not full glasses. Yeah. I didn't ask that. I didn't ask if it was a monocle.

Well, I'm saying it's pretty close. Have you ever had a full glasses one? No, I never had full glasses. Have you ever had a top hat one? Yeah. That's where it goes up in the air. I have had the top hat. The top hat?

Yeah. Well, mine was more of an umpire's cap. It wasn't a top hat. All right. Yeah, but it's still pretty unique. Have you ever had a Groucho Marks one? That's glasses, big nose and mustache. I've had just glasses and mustache.

That's not it. Yeah. All right, so you haven't. Anyway, that's why I like to pee sitting down is all. I don't like risking it. You always pee sitting down? Not always, but if I can do it. If I had it my way, if I had my druthers, you better believe I'd be sitting down.

Every single time? Ideally, yeah. Wow. Does it need more than 50% of the time you pee sitting down? Yeah, 50 is about right. 50-50. Because at work I usually don't sit. What if there's an office with 11 guys, one girl?

Do you still leave the seat down all the time? What's the more polite thing to do? Yeah. Because I guess I probably still would because I don't really adapt like how I do the seat. It's like just an ingrained habit that I always put it down. Do you lift it up and then pee and then put it down or you piss through the seat? I lift it up and put it down. Oh, interesting.

I piss through. I try to piss through. Oh, and you just try to have perfect aim. Yeah, perfect aim. And then do you ever wipe if you pee on the seat? Oh, absolutely. I think there's usually enough splatter that it's not worth it. Like I would just be wiping every single time.

And touching the seat over and over, you don't mind? I use my foot. I'll use, got it. Yeah, I'll also use my foot. I use my foot to lift the seat up and down and then my teeth to flush the handle. Use your teeth? Yeah. My foot is dirty, so I'll do foot, lift up the seat, take a piss, foot, bring it down.

Foot with your shoe? Yeah, with the shoe on. And then I bite my, and then I bite the handle and I sort of pull it down with my neck. You bite the handle, but you pull it down with your neck? Well, like this. Chomp? Chomp. And then like you move the neck.

You're not even nodding. You're just sort of retreating like a tortoise. You're retreating your head into it. It's tough. Aren't you afraid your tongue might touch the handle? It doesn't really touch the handle. It's mostly teeth. Sometimes teeth and lips.

Yeah. The tongue hits the handle a little bit. So you're sucking on the handle almost? I'm sucking on it. I'm just biting down on it, moving it, and it's like, there's a little left over. Then yeah, I'd like swallow it. Yeah. Okay.

Also, what I'll do is as it's flushing, I'll sort of spritz some of the water, like it's almost like it's ocean breeze onto my face and neck. That's nice. Yeah. And then as soon as it's done and it starts refilling up with clean water, I'll just start drinking out of it like a dog at a fucking water bowl. It's all lapped up. Wow.

Tongue to throat, to neck, to body. Everyone has different bathroom behavior and it's hard to really know how everyone behaves in there. Because you never see it. You never really talk about it. Because it's uncouth to mention at dinner parties. Right. And I think that's why it's nice that we have a podcast where we can be ourselves.

Also, nobody ever teaches you. Yeah. You just sort of go in there and you hope that you're doing it the way everybody else does. And that's why you drink the toilet water. Yeah. And then I bring it up once in passing and I realize that maybe three or four people out of ten drink the toilet water.

Yeah. It's probably less than that. Probably less than that. Yeah, exactly right. Even worse. You might even be the only one that I know. Out of thousands. That hurts to hear.

You're different. Yeah. And yet it's kind of cool. No, it's not. So this podcast is about a couple of guys, us, answering questions from a couple of you, everybody else on earth. They'll email us at ifireeshow at gmail.com. They got questions.

We got answers. These are people in seek of our guidance, our advice. This one is from a guy who we'll call. We're going to give him a fake name just to preserve his anonymity. You got it. We'll call him Leonardo. That's it. I don't want to give too much away, but it's probably Da Vinci.

Probably. Leonardo writes, I'm taking this thought to the Shaft factory every weekend. Do you know what he's talking about so far? So thought means like a hot girl, and the Shaft factory means he's having sex with her. So I'm taking this as a hot girl. THOT. Yeah. Did you look that up?

No. Marty told me that once a couple years ago. Thought? A thought, yeah. Weird. Let's see. Thought Urban Dictionary. I wonder if it's like a, oh yeah, thought is an acronym for that hoe over there.

Oh, so it's not necessarily a hot girl. Yeah. It just happens to be. Thought is what guys call girls in school that send out nudes and porn of themselves. Very nice. So he's talking to this thought, sorry, he's taking this thought to a Shaft factory every weekend. She lives an hour away, and both of us recently ended long-term relationships, and we will

both be moving to different places in four-ish months. So originally, we both weren't interested in a relationship, but of course, after visiting Poundtown once a week for six months, we decided that we are in like. Now, we don't know what to do because both of us are career focused. So we came up with the conclusion that we will keep following this poon trail until it forks and break up then. Are we hurting ourselves in the long run, or should we just break it off now? PS, hate the show.

You're both losers. Classic. Of Leonardo da Vinci. This guy talks very cool, but he's sort of falling in love with someone, and he can't articulate it. A thought. He's falling in like. I hate millennials.

Well, this guy's 39. Of course. Have you ever had that situation where you were like, let's break up in four months, but for now, let's keep it going? I think I have had that situation. And I think that there's no need to ever be like, let's break up now to save ourselves the heartache. So you're saying just keep it going.

You can do whatever. You have like an end date, but you don't just, you know, whatever. If it's going to end later, why doesn't it just end now? Because they're in like. Now you're fucking, and that feels good, and it's nice. So it's not harder. The rationale is that it's harder to break up in the future because you'll get deeper and deeper in like.

Yeah. Well, it'll just be a fucking beast in power through. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. So like when you're sad, but you're a beast, what happens? You sort of let out a primal roar. That's awesome. And then you're still sad and then you're a little, you're a little surprised at yourself

that you were able to roar so loud and then you're like, I'm going to eat macaroni and cheese and then you sort of drain your sorrows and food. So I think, yeah, you, you, does that make you happier? Yeah. Yeah, it does. Cause you're, cause you're eating mac and cheese and cause you screamed primal roar. I think primal roar, uh, macaroni and cheese and time with your friends. I think it's just the third one.

You just like screaming and eating cheese. All your advice is screaming, eating mac and cheese and then doing the one thing you should do. Yeah. So like if your feet hurt, you should scream, eat mac and cheese and go see a doctor. Pediatrics. Yeah. And then if you like your hair is starting to look a little ratty, you'll scream, eat

mac and cheese and get a haircut. Yeah. And then wash it with shampoo and conditioner. Of course. Yeah. And if your stomach hurts, maybe scream, eat some mac and cheese and then figure out what's really hurting the issue. Unfortunately, your lactose intolerant.

Yeah. Of course. Uh, I say if you're planning on breaking up later, why not just break up now? Time is, your time on earth is finite. Why waste it with somebody you know you're never going to see again? Well, cause you're fucking that person. That's why. But you can be fucking somebody else.

Would you rather have sex with a new person or the same person? New person. Of course. So that's what he can be doing. You can, you can have sex with the old person and the new person. I'd rather have sex with two persons. Make new thoughts, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's thoughts.

Thoughts? Negative. Oh, fair. All right. Two options. Quick answer. Let's see if we can get to another one. Uh, this one's from a lady.

Hey-oh. Let's call her Donatella. I could use some advice. My name is Donatella and I'm a graduating senior in high school. And I'm an actor. I got cast in a one act about some chill teens hanging out in the woods. And it's a super gay show. I'm playing a band teacher's daughter who has a sexually charged conversation with another

girl and their crew about how much experience she's had and what sex means to her. And then at the end of the show, me and this other girl make out on stage. Even though I'm pumped for this, I have a few issues. One, I'm bisexual and my mother doesn't know. She wants to go see the play. This is what they call edgy youth theater. It's going to be in some super small black box, which means I'll be making out with another girl on stage possibly 10 feet away from my mom.

How should I handle the situation? I don't want to come out to my mom, but every time I'm involved in something a little gay, she'll stare at me and she thinks I'm not paying attention and she'll ask me questions about why I want to be involved in this gay thing and it's actually horrible. I'm so close to going to college and getting to do just the gay stuff whenever I want on stage or off and I need to make it through this summer and I want this to be not a big deal. Advice?

Thanks for reading this. This is a real exciting thing. Love Donatella. All right, Donatella. It feels like there's a couple different questions in here, doesn't it? She's bi and she doesn't know how to tell her mom. But then also, it's like, should I do the play in front of my mom where I make out with a girl and that's sort of like a different question to me.

That's like an artistic expression, but it's like a little, it might make your mom uncomfortable and then sure, you've added layers of complication by being bi and keeping it from your mom. So I've heard of coming out as gay. I've never heard of coming out as bi because being bi feels like half gay. So it's not like you even have to come all the way out. It's like, mom, by the way, I'm straight, but I'm also gay. You could just say, mom, bi the way and then bi the end. Then she slaps you.

You're gay? Bigot. Yeah. Have you heard of coming out as bi? Do you have any friends that came out to you as bi? Yeah. I had a friend that came out to me as bi, but then he eventually came out as gay after that.

Of course. I think for him, it seemed like it was easier than coming out as gay, like just sort of dipping your foot in the water, like letting your friends know, like, hey, guys, I also like guys, but don't worry, I still like pussy as much as you. And then eventually it was just like, no, I don't know if that's her experience. Plenty of people are straight bi. It must be fun to be bi. Just every option on the table.

You meet a guy. Could you have a crush on him? You have meet a girl. Same thing. That's probably a little tough, though, because there aren't a lot of guys and girls who are attracted to, like, can you imagine being bi and, you know, like slaying chicks and then they find out like, oh, you also have sex with guys. Yeah.

That's like a complicated thing. Yeah. I don't think it's like, I don't think it's quite as easy as you might think. I think it's incredibly easy. I think I am envious of those who can be gay and straight at the same time and be sexual, if you will, bisexual for short and ultimately bi for the shortest. They have to deal with a lot of scrutiny and scorn. It's a lot of judgment.

Yeah. What was I going to say about being bi? I had a really, really good point and it was such a good point. And now that I think about it, I can't even think about what a good point it was. You're sure it wasn't that being bi is easy? Oh, yeah. Are there bi people that only can be in relationships with other bi people? Or if you're bi, you can be with someone who's gay or straight?

I can't pretend to know all of the nuances, but I will say if you're bi, you can talk to whoever you want, whether they're gay or straight. Right. But there's no like, bi is like, I really got a hookup with another bisexual. I don't think so. It's like you're the universal donor, which makes you the universal receiver. Yeah. I don't even think gay people are like, I need to hook up with other gay people.

It's like if they're the same sex, then that's fine. You're saying that, okay, I'm bi. You are? Yeah. Congrats. That's exactly what you wanted to be. The problem is I don't find myself attracted to men. So you're not bi?

I'm bi, but not the gay part. So you are interested in men and women sexually, but not men? Yeah, not so much. Not so much men, no. What should this woman do about her mommy? I feel like, you know, tell your mom the play is going to suck because that's true. I can only talk this play in a black box theater in the basement. It sounds pretty hot actually.

I would also maybe say, do we have to have a full make out scene at the end? It's edgy teen. It's edgy teen, but it's not, and it's like, I don't know. I don't think you need to make such a statement with the art if your mom's going to be there. If you want, like, I guess what I'm saying is that if the performance material makes you uncomfortable performing it in front of your mom, it's not necessarily such a pivotable important moment of your life to do this play and do it right. Yeah, or the good chance that the play is kind of lame.

Here's the real bad. I feel really bad. I'm sorry. It's a great play. Here's the easy way out. And this is what I would do because this show is ultimately called If I Were You. For the show that my mom's there, I fake make out. Yeah.

And that's what I'm saying. And yeah, I shouldn't have said that the play was bad. I'm sure it's a great play. For every other show, go for the full make out for the mom show. And again, this is advice that's not have an open and honest dialogue with your mother about your sexual orientation and she'll learn to love you. That's not our advice here. My advice is to fake make out so your mom doesn't find out your bye yet.

I do think that that's the move because it seems like she might want to have this conversation with her mom one day, but maybe not like this. Maybe this isn't the time. I don't think your mom's going to automatically assume that you're bye if you kiss a girl in the play. But I don't think you have to do the crawling on top of each other make out thing in front of your mom. I haven't read the material.

The source material. This is another... Didn't this come up recently? We should have a bi-person on the show. Yeah. Or open relations. It wasn't a bi-person. It was a gay person.

But we should have somebody that's like a little more smart about sexuality than us. Yeah. There was someone in our open relationship, Polly Amorous. Yeah. I don't want to have somebody on like that, but usually when we have somebody on, we don't want to pester them with our naivete. Yeah. But I would want to have somebody on.

This is a safe place. I'm going to ask you a lot of really, really dumb questions. Yeah. That's what I want. I don't think I would mind. I would go on a podcast and talk about basketball or Judaism or Adam Sandler movies. I would feel comfortable and open talking about those three topics. So maybe a bi or I guess we'd have to ask them beforehand instead of bombard them.

Yeah. I think that's... They'd have to come on under the guise of we are going to go into a place where these guys are idiots and they have questions. What about sitting the mom down and going, tell them, mom, I'm bi. Tell them, mom, bi. Let's move on to, I think, the break at this point. I'm going to take a long walk and we'll finish the podcast when you get back in an hour or

two. But I need to take a long walk. I need to take a shower. And frankly, I need to have a pretty honest conversation with myself, sit and think if I really want to keep on doing this show with you and be on the show, the partnership and just working together in any capacity because that was, I'm actually going to be sick. I'm going to throw up based on the, tell them, mom, I'm bi. That one.

Yeah. That one guy. That was really... This is coming from someone that sucks on toilet handles. This is what gets you sick. That's fair. Let's thank some sponsors. It might be the fecal matter for us.

There is shit on your teeth. You have a shit eating grin, as I see. All right. We'll be back after this break. Bye. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a

professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful.

Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com if I were you. You do that today.

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Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace.

For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season. A summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website. So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when

you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace. Damn, Daniel, we're back from the break with the white vans.

I have to take another walk. The fuck? Dude, you just got back from a week long walk. Come see us in Montreal, baby. July 25th, Montreal, July 26th, had come live in Montreal, we're hosting a show with the Twinnovation crew, Sans Mike Kernel, Jake's hosting Twinnovation. That's what's up. Blackfish can't jump, John Gabriel is as high and mighty, we'll be in the house.

We're going to have a lot of fun. It's going to feel like camp all over again and Montreal is just an awesome city. So if you live in or near Montreal, tickets are available at jacademyour.com or the JFL website. It's part of the comedy festival. Very nice. Buy those now. I'm talking right now, this second.

What do you think about, oh, and we're in Portland tomorrow, if tickets aren't sold out yet. Oh, shit. Tonight, if you're listening on Monday, June 19th, tonight is our show in San Francisco, which is sold out. Tomorrow's our show in Portland, which may be sold out, and then our show in LA on Wednesday, which is sold out. What do you think of segment ideas for our podcast?

I realize we don't really have segments. Yeah. What can they be? Questions is still going to be part of the show for sure, but then it could be like maybe one of the segments can be like open advice, advice that isn't necessarily solicited, unsolicited. What's your unsolicited advice of the day or something like that? We could do little games like would you rather, trivia or something like that, a little never-have-I-ever. Perhaps we'll go over a news item or something, I don't know.

It could be really open-ended like that. We could do what don't-you-know-about-me, something that we haven't told anybody like a confession. That's a fun idea. The fact that you pee sitting down more often than you do standing up, how do you know that? Well, I talked about that on the show already, but it could be something that's completely secretive to you with something on earth that nobody knows. About me?

Yeah, or about me. I don't know. I don't know either. I don't know either. I'd have to think about it. But if you have any ideas for segments that we can add to the show, I think it'd be fun because I listened to other podcasts and the segments are so structured and part of the show and I look forward to certain segments and I wonder if that will infuse some fresh

air into this podcast because we crossed the four-year barrier the other week. It's true. I would like to have like, well, I mean, this show we spent 25 minutes up talking about the Mona Lisa. Yeah. That could be it. That could be a segment. This moment in art history, but then if we want to get really into it, we can have little

intro theme songs to the segments too. That's fun. Yeah, I like that. Or you host one segment, I host another, maybe we have a guest or something, a call-in or something like that. That's something. I don't know. Let us know.

What would you like to hear about? Is it us talking about something else? Is it us talking about each other? Is it a super personal something about ourselves? Is it just our viewpoints on current events? Does that make it not evergreen? I don't know. A lot of things to consider, but hit us up with segment ideas.

Oh, here's a bad segment idea. Go ahead. I'll just read a random news headline and you tell me something that pops in your head. Okay. Ready? Okay. New Apple feature secretly hints at exciting future for Apple TV. Interesting.

See? Okay. So that could be a segment. That's a segment. Yeah. That's a segment for you to say interesting after an article like that. You don't even want me to say anything else. Yeah.

Exactly. Exactly. Yeah, you wouldn't say anything else. So here's one. Behind Trump's silence, why the counter puncher let others do the punching? Cool. That's cool. Yeah.

See, that's what I'm saying. Stuff like that. That's cool. I like that. Do you want me to say anything about that? Yeah. No, I'm saying this. Yeah.

This is a bad segment idea, but it could be one where I'm just like... Yeah. Supermarket killer posted video describing plan. Wow. See? That's enough. Like, I don't need to hear it. No, you wouldn't weigh in.

I just need your first, your instant reaction and it's just like, huh. It can even be as easy, as simple as you going, huh. Cool. I don't even need to say it. You can just say it once and we can reuse it. Really? So I probably just said, huh. Yeah.

And I can say news articles like Android O developer preview three has a persistent notification for background apps. Huh. Exactly. You don't have to say anything about that. No. You don't have to say anything. You don't have to weigh in.

I'm saying you don't have to wax philosophical or make a point. I just have an interesting POV on this whole thing because I have an Android. Oh, here's one. This one is called saying memes. So I'd be like, cash me outside. How about da? And then what would you say? Let's move on to the questions.

And then I could say in a different way, I could be like, all right, cash me outside. How about da? It could be different every time. Yeah. That was pretty much the same. Cash me outside. How about, this is a Mirabloom and Feld reading for the role of cash me outside girl. Cash me outside.

How about da? You didn't, you're not changing the, you're, you're pronouncing it wrong. Let's get a few wild, how about da's? It's not even. All right. How about da? Why do you feel like you need to read for the role of her because she is her. She's a real person.

Not an actress. Why don't you just please cash me outside and actually frankly, how about da? But for now, let's get back to what, what made our show great and originally, let's make our show great again. Another question from another listener. This one's name is Raphael. Ooh, Raphael writes, Hey guys, I've got a bit of a situation that I could use your advice on.

An old friend who I haven't seen or talked to in six years is in town and he contacted me wanting to hang out. It's painfully awkward because back in the day, our friendship was pretty one-sided, but I felt bad for him because he was homeschooled and he doesn't have any friends. He's in town for an unknown amount of time. So should I dodge his texts indefinitely, reply knowing that we'll probably have a terrible time with nothing to talk about or just tell him straight up and risk crushing him?

Thanks and toda, Raphael. It's wait, an old friend moved. An old friend moved back into town. Okay. They haven't talked to six years. He doesn't want to hang out with them. Does he dodge the texts? Does he not answer them?

Does he answer them but keep it cryptic? How do you not hang out with someone that you don't want to hang out with? Dodge the texts. You don't respond at all? Dodge the texts. Is dodge meaning complete ignore or does it mean, hey, I don't know, this week's busy. Let me talk. I'll see you later.

It's like, what are you up to this weekend? Like, I'm not really around. I'll hit you up next week. Okay. If you don't and then if he texts you again, you say, not around this week, I'll text you next week. Got it. Then you just don't do it.

I think after a little while he gets the idea. But the last thing you want to do is be like, hey, man, straight up, it's over between us. Straight up to my face. Straight up. Oh, tell me, are you really gonna love me forever? Oh, that could be another segment. Straight up.

What did you hope to learn about, man, if I was someone else would this song fall apart? Strange, where are you when we started this thing? I wish the real world would just stop hassling me down and down and down and down and down and down. That could be another segment. What do I be like to be the ring maker? What's another straight up song? We had straight up to my face.

Yeah. Straight up. Now tell me. Straight up. What did you? Yeah. It doesn't even have to be straight up. It can be like songs that lead into the other.

Okay. So straight up. What did you want to learn about me? I think it's what did you hope to learn about here? Here. Okay. It starts with here. Here I stand once again.

I've fallen into pieces. The pieces, the pieces, the pieces of me. Me, myself and I. No, it's a me song. The song that starts with me. The song that has me in it. There's a Dave Matthews song that starts with the word me, but I can't remember the How can we not think of one song that contains the word me?

I think you can, but you have to start the line. No, it could be in the middle. It could be in the... Yeah, what's even a song that has the word me in it? I don't know how to talk to me. It seems like you and me, it has to be. Oh, I know one. So sing the pieces of me.

Pieces of me used to be together every day together. Are we, we are the champions, my friends. This could be a segment, I'm serious. We have to get better at it. No, yeah, of course. Can we edit that together to make it look like we really nailed every single one? That's really good. That'd actually be a pretty fun comedy act.

Oh, that's good. I was going to say drinking game. Oh, that too. Yeah, dodging texts. I say dodge. Is it okay to lie or are you not lying? No, you're lying. You're sort of lying, but you know, I don't think it's really...

If you said, can you hang out this weekend? And I was like, I can't hang out this weekend. You don't have to say why, because when you say why, it's a lie. But the truth is, I can't hang out this weekend because I don't want to see you. You just didn't include the second half. Yeah, so I can't hang out this weekend because I don't like you. Right, but you don't say that part. I can't hang out this weekend.

I'll text you next week. And I guess that's the lie because you know you won't. So the whole truth is, I can't hang out this weekend with you. I don't like hanging out with you, and that would ruin my weekend. Right. Oh, what about next week? Can't. I'm busy next weekend ignoring you is the full thing, because I don't really like you.

That's what you say. Can't. I'm busy next week. I'll hit you up when I'm back is what you say. You always got to take the ball. Yeah, you take the ball, you say, I'll hit you up when I am free. And then you're never free to hit them up because it's literally the last thing you want to do. So then it's not a lie. You say, I'm not around this weekend.

I'll let you know when I'm free. Game over. You are never free to hang out with them because you don't want to. Freedom of life. Freedom means you are free to do whatever you want. And if you don't want to hang out with them, you don't have to. I think if you straight up say, I don't want to see you, then you're going to run into him at a bar and it's going to be uncomfortable.

And you don't need to do that. Spare him that. He probably barely wants to see you too, mate. Nice, dude. Thanks. Do we have time for one more question? I guess I am. All right.

Let's read it. Ready? Oh, this is from a lady. April, the female, the female ninja turtle. April writes, my name is April and I'm a 23 year old Canadian stage actress living in the UK. About six months ago, I performed in a show overseas for six weeks in these cases, you tend to get really close to the people you are working with. As I see them every day are traveling, performing and hanging out together and all living in the same hotel.

Anyway, I became very close with one of my castmates. And the more time we spent together, the more we realized we were really into each other. One thing led to another and we started to fool around. Now there was a bit of a problem as this guy was in a long term, though troubled relationship. I myself was casually dating someone, but was not in an exclusive situation. We would sneakily meet to fool around, but kept it a secret while we were never engaged in actual intercourse. We basically did everything else.

And let me tell you guys, it was incredibly hot. The guy would feel guilty the next day. We would chat about it and decide that we should just keep it friendly. Then a few days later, we find ourselves fooling around again, like we couldn't resist each other. It all got a bit crazy. So we left to return to London. We broke it all off and we have not seen each other since I went back to the guy I was dating

and he went back to his girlfriend. I recently became single and was hanging out with another castmate from the show. And he informed me that this guy broke things off with his girlfriend is now also single. I can't help but think about the amazing chemistry we had. And it would be very down to hook, I would be very down to hook up again, especially now that there's no drama involved. But I'm not sure what I need to make it happen. We haven't spoken in a long time and I don't want to come off as too eager.

So I don't know. Any advice? Love the podcast and you guys. Thanks. Love April. Hell yeah. This is great. Go for it?

Of course. How do you do that? How do you open it up again? Is that a text? Oh, and say, hey, I hear you're single? No, don't say that. You just say, hey, it's been a long time. How are you?

What have you been up to? Do you think it'll be as sexy if it's not forbidden? Yes, because now they can actually fuck. Have you? They never have fucked. But when you have fooled around in a dangerous way with someone, did you ever go back to that person once it didn't become dangerous? Yes.

And it was much hotter. Really? Without the danger? I don't think the guilt is hot. Oh, I would assume it's the other way around. The forbiddenness of it is what made it sexy. Maybe to some people, not to me. I always felt like shit.

How interesting. So why did you do it? Because I'm a self-saboteur. Weak-minded, weak-willed. Bad human. I get some sort of perverse pleasure out of being adored by strangers and not the people who actually love me. I don't know.

Sounds like you do know. Yeah. Have you ever been to therapy? No. Because you feel like I got it figured out? And no, it's definitely like a little bit of a disaster in there. What I do is I cram it all in the closet, but I keep it locked. Yeah, it is kind of like that.

I lock the demons away, but it's a glass door. Like, I see them. I know who they are. I know what they're about. We should have. But I haven't studied it ever or asked anybody else to. I've been curious to go to therapy myself because I'm like, oh, what would I talk about?

But then everyone's like, trust me, there's things you would talk about. Yeah, that's interesting. Maybe we should both go and we'll talk about it. But then maybe that ruins therapy. Does it have to be secretive? I don't know. Well, a lot of people talk about their therapy. But not publicly.

No, people do. Pete Holmes does on his podcast. But then maybe we wouldn't be as open. Like, if I find some crazy shit out and then I come on the show and I'm like, what should I do? I probably still pick and choose what I shared on the show. But it'd be interesting. Would you want to find a therapist and both go?

Yeah, it'd be down. It could be a tax write-off, right? We could pay for it from our company card. Right, because we're talking about it on the podcast. That's great. It's a business expense. OK. Plus a mental health expense.

As long as it's a business expense, I'm down. I just don't want to pay for it. They are pricey. Yeah, and I got a mortgage now. Anyway, what should this person do? Oh, shit. Oh, wait, it's no big deal. Go for it.

Yeah, it's on the text. And you don't have to be like, hey, I heard you broke up. Just say that you want to catch up. And everybody can read between the lines. You guys will fuck. It will be great. That's nice. And follow up Puppos on this.

Let us know how it goes. Yeah, because I bet it goes hotly. Indeed. Are those in at a bad sign that he didn't reach out to her? No, because maybe he still has lingering guilt. Maybe he's not ready. He's broken up. But he doesn't necessarily want to move on right away.

Maybe he's, who knows what he's going through. But I'm sure that I'll be happy to hear from you. Of shorts. Of absolute shorts. Of absolute shorts. All right, that's it. That's our episode. Thanks for listening.

If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, send them all to if-i-were-you-show-at-gmail.com. Our opening song was written by Tim, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy Badger. And this closing one, oh, this closing one is cool. Cool. It was, he took Thomas and Ben singing on our 100th episode and arranged it to music. So he made a musical out of the song that they had sung on our 100th episode.

I just wanted to shout out our Twitch videos again. We're doing live stream on Twitch every Friday, I think. So go to twitch.tv slash head gum to watch us play games, have fun, live stream out of our office. If you ever want more content, that's where you should go. Twitch.tv slash head gum. Thanks for listening, everybody. We'll be back next week.

And have a pleasant, pleasant week yourself. We don't often say that, but. We don't say it enough. Maybe that could be a segment. Just saying have a pleasant week. It's time for have a pleasant week. Here we go. Have a pleasant week.

We'll be back. Enjoy this song. Todah, bye. Why were you, I'd make up my mind real quick. If Jake was you, he'd probably let you suck his dick. Holding hands, looking at each other in the eyes and kissing. That's where we hold each other's hands. We look at each other's eyes and we kiss.

Four dudes kissing. Four dudes kissing. Staring in each other's eyes. That was a head gum podcast.