If I Were You - 285: Sexiled Roommate (w/Gabrielle Elyse!)

Episode Date: July 31, 2017

Friend/actress Gabrielle Elyse joins us to discuss crushes, condiments, and online college.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Whoa. What'd you think? I liked it. I think that's the hardest theme song you guys have ever posted. What do you mean by hard? Like it was hard for him to record it? Maybe, I don't know. I don't know how to be cool. That was A Little Dicky Parody by Jackson Booth.

It's kind of sounds little dicky-ish. Yeah, that's right. It is dicky-ish. Gabrielle. Gabrielle? Yes, Gabrielle. Gabrielle. Perfect. Nailed it. Stuck the landing so far. Thanks for coming on our show. I'm so psyched to be here, you guys. You have no idea. I'm trying so hard not to fangirl.

Oh, really? No, go for it. I can't. I live for this. I want to hear it all. Give me the praise. Give me constructive criticism. No criticism. Only praise.

Yeah, I was telling you guys that Baby Bjorn is one of my favorite videos. Oh, the Jake and Mir video. Yes, from the OG days. What is OG? Crazy fact, the baby in that baby Bjorn is now 49. Older than us. What could it be? I don't know.

It was some sort of weird, anti-leap year thing. He was like a Jack kid. Which is funny because his name is Jack. Oh, yeah, that's right. Well, thanks for coming on our show. I didn't realize you were such a big fan. Sorry, guys. Secrets out. Shit. That's fine. No, that's good.

That's good. See, you've listened to this podcast before. I have. You know the rules. I do. You get how it goes. I'm kind of not familiar with the Game Boy rule, though. We'll get into that. But you know that this is an advice podcast.

Yes. And people will email us. They're in difficult places in their lives. And we do our best to answer, advise. Mine and Jake's point of view are from 30-year-old dudes. So you are a cool, hip, 20-year-old female. I'm also multicultural. Multicultural.

I'm multicultural, too. Are you? I'm from Belarus, and my mom is from Ireland. So that's pretty neat. You mean your mom's ancestors. Yeah, well, they were both born in Connecticut. And their parents were born in Connecticut. And their parents before then, of course, Connecticut.

But before that... Connecticut. Connecticut, and then Belarus. Yeah, very. Extremely multicultural. Very exotic. You're not from California, right? No, I'm from Dallas, Texas, certainly. So what brought you to LA?

The entertainment business brought me here. And? How's it going? Well, I'm here, so fairly pretty well. You are doing stuff. I'm doing stuff. You're on television. Yes.

Yeah, not just commercials. What are you on? Right now, I'm on... Mescaline and Tile LPM. Awesome. Yeah. You're so young. Oh, sorry, TV shows.

Yeah, what TV shows? I'm on a series called Snatchers Right Now, which is on Go 90. And Quick Pitch. It's a horror comedy about a teenage girl has sex for the first time, gets pregnant with an alien baby overnight, and me, as her best friend, she comes to me for advice, like, what do I do? I thought you might play the alien baby. No.

That's cool. You play the... I wasn't talented enough for the alien baby, so I just got stuck with that. Is the role for alien baby, if it's still unborn, I could play the alien baby? Unfortunately, it is unborn. Okay. But maybe you could be like its mother. Oh.

Is the person that she had sex with an alien? No. That's the mystery. We're like... Jake, no spoilers. All right. All right. So it's about, in a weird way, ultimately finding herself and self-worth by fighting aliens

with her best friend. You know what I just realized? I know Steve and Benji that created the show. You know what? I was going to try and subtly drop that in, because I told Benji and Stephen that I was going to be on the show, and they freaked out, and they were like, oh, we know him here. And I was like, what? Like, Stephen can do this for me forever.

Small world. That's crazy. I just met them a couple weeks ago. You have friends that aren't me? Yeah. I mean, of course I have friends that aren't you. What are you talking about? He's branching out.

Are you? Why do you not have any friends that aren't me? There's a couple guys that I hang out with. Okay. I don't like them. Why do you hang out with them? Because you're busy hanging out with Benji, Stephen and Snatcher McGee. All right.

Let's try to answer some questions. I'm excited. You know, we didn't necessarily find any questions this episode, so we were hoping to elicit the help of a friend of ours named the Game Boy, and hopefully, through his expertise, search our Gmail for random words that hopefully bring up some great questions using serendipity, luck, fate, destiny even. Did someone say destiny? Yeah.

No, so I did. Really? Yeah. The Game Boy. The Game Boy is usually summoned by the word game. Yeah. This time he heard destiny. And he just got into it.

He snoozed till destiny. So maybe the Game Boy can kick us off if he has a word that he wants to search. The goal of the game is to find a word that appears but only once in our Gmail. Oh. Of the 15,000 emails that we have. Unread. So we have pretty good odds. Yeah.

Horrible odds. You try to think, the Game Boy is offended. If you think this game is easy. I don't know. I assure you. Oh. Another thing coming. Okay.

The Game Boy chooses. Yeah. This is also the dumb voice you have to do. I'm sorry. Okay. But you are going to have to do it. Great. Which has never happened before.

I guess it's never said use the Game Boy voice. That's true. I'm honored. Yeah, yeah. This is incredibly hard. Oh. Okay. Opera.

We got a good amount. But 34, which is pretty good. That's too many. Do you want to do. Are any of them from like some sort of spammy email thing that we're on like tickets to an opera? Yeah. Some of them are.

Okay. Some of them aren't. How many do you think there are? 25? I don't know. That hurts. That hurts. That sucks to hear.

Why don't we answer this one, which is how to stop flirting written by a 19 year old girl. Hey. So maybe you can commiserate as a 20 year old girl. All right. Oh, Gabrielle, do you have a fake name to give this real person? A fake name to give this real person? Yeah.

It could be anything. Don't limit yourself. Oh, no. Oh, she's freaking out. I am. She's freezing up. Nicole. I'm going to give her the name Nicole.

Okay. Chelsea needs the last name. I know. You guys. All right. We're out of time. Thank you so much for coming by. Bye, guys.

All right. Give us the last name real quick. Don't think about it. Just say potato. Potato. That's really great. I like that. That's also her name for the Game Boy.

Yeah. That's good. All right. Nicole Potato writes, I'm a 19 year old girl going to be your freshman in college. I got to spend the last 10 weeks of my senior year living in NYC by myself doing a program for young opera singers. I met a girl through this program who was pretty cute and we got along well. And I was pretty excited to find out she was a lesbian like me.

I was the only lesbian in my high school. At first I was pretty cautious. I knew there was no way I would work out because of distance. And I didn't know if she was into me that way. So for a while we were just friends and I was experimenting with Tinder. I had my first kiss on a Tinder date. But I found out that every time I met with this girl, I liked her more and more. So for the past month I was there.

For the past month I was there. We went out to dinner a few times. Things were a little flirty but still pretty casual. Then last week I was there. It kind of exescalated. We kept talking about how it wasn't fair we hadn't met until now and how good we would be together and holding hands and cuddling and looking at each other. I was this close to kissing her a couple of times.

But I kept chickening out. We came home, we've texted and Skyped a couple of times. I still like her a lot and wish things could have turned out differently. But I know there's no way this would work out. I'm going to school in Ohio. She's going to school in Canada. I know we're both going to meet people in college and nothing will really happen between us. I would still like to be friends though.

The thing is this, we're still pretty flirty. So my question is, should I stop flirting? And if so, when? Should I just pretend like none of the flirty stuff ever happened? I'm new to this stuff obviously. So I'm probably overthinking it, right? Love, Nicole Potato. That's a very in-depth question.

Yeah, huge setup for a very quick, easy answer. You think the answer is easy? Yeah, don't stop flirting. Correct. I wonder why this never happened. I guess it seems like, I don't know, what do you think first of all? You're a 20-year-old lady. I should let you talk.

I mean, as a female, it's hard. I'm sure it's scary for guys as well to put your heart out there. But see, I'm so sentimental and mushy and romantic. I'm going to give this whole like, it'll all happen for a reason. Yeah, that's good advice. There's a reason this happened. It's because next time it happens, you have to just go for it. You don't want to be living in different cities wondering why and what happened.

And I guess 19-year-olds is when you're supposed to learn this stuff the hard way. Is there anything to, if you're a lady, you don't want to make the first move. You always want guys to go after you. So if it's like two 19-year-old ladies, they're both passively waiting for the other to make a move. And it's just this game of gage. That's why you need a guy. Imagine if it was two dudes, they'd be butt-fucking winning the first half hour. I'm serious.

That's why I spent my teens as a gay. No, but do you like making the first move as a lady or you're always just like, I'm going to sit here and present myself and if the guy wants to go for it, I'll go for it. In my mind, I would like to think I'm just as confident as a dude to make the first move. But no, I've always been the one to coily be waiting for something. I mean, I do the same thing and I am the guy. I don't begrudge you at all. I hate making the first move because I'm afraid of failing.

I get that. Because if you make the move, then you can be rejected. And if you never make the move, then you never got rejected. Do you have like a solid plan B plan B? Yeah, plan B is like- Dial-alone. Yeah, dial-alone. Or get drunk enough to want to make the first move because that part of my brain is silenced

to the point where it doesn't have a voice anymore. Cool. So is that advice for when I can finally start drinking? Yeah, you're not 21 yet, so don't do that. And this girl's 19. What's that? Not legally. Well, in Canada.

That's what you got to do. I'll just go to Canada then. Yeah, do you have to be a Canadian citizen or any 19-year-old can drink in Canada? Any 19-year-old can drink in Canada. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Have you been to Canada? No, I have not been to Canada.

Well, you're turning 21 soon, so your window is closing. Closing? And that is the only reason to go to Canada. I definitely spent my younger years afraid of rejection and inching closer and closer to the point where you know you're not going to be rejected, right? Yeah. Like when you're facing somebody with your hand on their waist and they have their hand on your cheek, you pretty much...

It's a pretty good indicator. You can safely assume that you can kiss them without being rejected. Rejected. And like... Whoa, you misread this. I was cuddling and holding you. I had my hand inside your ass crack. But I think as I've gotten older, you know, I like read the signs better.

So like when I was young, I needed to like have that like crystal clear. I know I'm not going to be rejected sign. Yeah. And now I'm older. I still need that sign, but I can like read the more subtle ones, if that makes sense. This person definitely missed the very, very, very clear signs. When somebody says, I wish I met you earlier so I could be your girlfriend, you can kiss them.

You can definitely do that. But that's also advice to the other lady in this relationship who is equally close and also probably chicken out. Yeah. This is advice to any scared 19 year old. I just realized she's going to school in Ohio and the other one is going to school in Canada so she can go to Canada, spend a romantic weekend with this girl, potentially drink legally and have the courage to kiss.

Exactly. No need to drink to have the courage to kiss. But it helps. Fine. But just you can do it. That's my advice. You get a better rush if you kiss them, if you overcome your fear and kiss someone sober and they kiss you back.

I mean, I don't kiss people that often sober, but when I do, oh boy, that is the best feeling. Because your feeling is unadulterated. Yeah. That's like, holy shit. All of your synapses are firing. Everything's happening. You're like with it. You're there.

Wow. Yeah. I wonder what percentage of your first kisses were completely sober? Would you say under 50? For sure. I was thinking under five. I mean, all of them leading up until I was 21 and then none of them ever again. I mean, that's fair.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So my advice, personally, go to Canada. You can spend a new weekend with her now that you know that you're going to, you know, that you like this girl and she likes you. Pretty unpatriotic. I would never advise anybody.

You don't have to get drunk, but maybe have a pair of cider. Loosen the edges a little bit and then go for it. Have fun. Make out for a weekend. I agree. Okay. So that's two agrees. Jake, your bit of advice.

Stay in Ohio. I like this to happen on American soil because I'm a proud American man. In Ohio, in February, cold is shit. I think you can sneak a peach schnapps. I think that's okay. I think Uncle Sam will forgive you for that. You're under arrest. Okay.

All right. All right. Can I call you Gabby? Is that a name? Yeah. Everybody calls me Gabby, actually. Shit. All right.

I should have called you Gabby. Gabby. No, it is okay. Do you have a name? Fuck. Do you have a word to search for an email? Something not super common. Yeah.

Like food, but not super. Like potato was a solid. It was solid, but since we already used it. It's too late now. Yeah. You cannot use potato. It's against the rules of the game. Also, give me your best Game Boy voice.

Sort of like a, oh. I have a question as a millennial. Okay. What is a Game Boy? Wow. That's a good question. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

I was making an obvious joke. My sister actually had a Game Boy color and I played Zelda on it. Oh, okay. So you're... So I kind of have some street cred. Yeah. You're cool. Yeah.

You're fine. Well, you do have street cred only. You're trying to earn nerdy 30 year old cred. I am. Yeah. Okay. We want the street cred. Yeah.

I want to wear a big earring like you have. I will teach you. Okay. I'm gonna pierce my fucking septum. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. Is that dumb? Yes.

I'd say do it. Express yourself, James. Where's the next thing? There's like the septum and then you have like people that pierce their like lower back. Oh my God. I saw somebody that pierced. Terrible. I don't know what this area is, but the...

Oh, in between your thumb and your index? Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna pierce my freaking neck. Do it. On the front. That's disgusting. I want to be different.

Of course. I want to be hip and cool. That's not hip and cool. Okay. I'm gonna hurt myself. All right. Go ahead. You have a word.

Can I have a word with you? What about... I feel like this is gonna be very obvious, but the Game Boy chooses headphones. Headphones. That's pretty good. You sort of made your own spin on it. Thank you. There's a...

Oh, you know what? There's a lot of emails, but a lot of them are just spam. Ads for headphones. Let me see if I can find a non-spam one that we can answer. That was a good one because headphones made it plural. Yeah. People usually say headphone, right? Yeah.

Yeah? Why are you mad at me? What a weird stance. I feel like you're making it seem like I lost the game with whatever the hell my word was. Opera. All right. I'm gonna answer a question called taking my sister's stuff or... I was an expert at that.

Okay. Let's do that. What's the other one, though? Yeah, it doesn't matter. Come on. I'm so curious. The other one, which I don't think we should answer, is I keep walking in on my roommate. Would you rather do that?

Kind of, yes. All right. Because I'm not doing the traditional college experience. It's like I want to hear about everybody else's. Okay. All right. This is another female, so do you have another female's name for us? Ooh.

Yeah. I'm gonna call her Shade. That's really cool. That's nice. How do you spell that? I don't know. That's awesome. Not to throw Shade on her, but her name is Shade, and she's a freshman in college.

This summer before school, I met my roommate online through a roommate matching service provided by our school. Over a messenger, she seemed awesome, so I was excited to live with her. Surprise, surprise. Thanks turned sour. She turned out not to be, to be not friendly and very cold. In the beginning of the year, I was trying to make conversation with her and her classes and clubs, but you would respond with only a word or two.

A little later in the year, she would say hi to me and the conversation would end. Now we've gotten to the point where I walk into our very tiny dorm room and say, hey, how's it going? And she will just not respond. Sometimes she plugs headphones in and turns to face the wall. All of this was kind of weird, but generally fine. The real problem is that I have rooming with her is when she brings a boy over. The first time I walked in on her hooking up with someone, and I assumed it was an accident,

just forgot to text me. But soon enough, it happened again. At that point, the next day, I asked her if she could just send me a quick heads-up text so I don't walk in, and she said, yeah, of course, no problem. And it happened again. I've confronted her about this 10 times, and it keeps happening. Despite her assuring me that it'll never happen again, I walked in on her and her boyfriend on Thursday after coming back to the room at 2 p.m.

What can I do? Should I keep confronting her about this, or just accept for the fact that I'll be seeing a lot more of my roommate and her boyfriend than I want to for the last two and a half months of school? Thanks, love. Shade. Shade. Yeah, you don't, since you were in a freshman in college ever.

No, I wasn't. You don't know this pain of living with a complete stranger in a room smaller like this. Romanticized college? Do you wish that you could? I do, to be honest. I really do. But. It's too late.

That ship has sailed, or can you go back? I mean, I probably could. I look young enough, and I am young enough. Yeah, you're 20. You should be like a sophomore or a junior right now. Right. I am online, but. I went to online college, too.

Respect, dude. You know what you should do is sign up for school, get in, and then just live in the dorms and don't go to any of the classes. But yeah. Because you already have a career. You don't need to actually, like it's fine if you fail out. You need to go to USC or UCLA or something. For a year.

You get like the parties, the dorm life, the dining hall. Well, that was the plan. Just a chance there, but I don't want to live in the dorms. I've been very spoiled, you guys. I don't think I could share a very tiny room that's this size with someone else. Well, that's part of it. It would be half the size. It would be half the size with two people.

Lofted bed. Oh, yeah. Oh, you gotta loft the bed. Do you have bed risers? Where do you keep your ramen in the closet or under the loft? Where's your loofa? Yeah, you have to have a shower. You haven't lived until you've showered in sandals.

That was the last time I had a loofa. Really? In college, yeah. How did that work out? I mean, it's fine. What's better about a loofa than your hands? Oh, than a bar of soap? Yeah.

I think it lathers up more and it exfoliates a little bit too. Should I get a loofa? I think you should get a loofa. But they're also dangerous. Dangerous? People told me. You could joke on what? I swear, I ate one thicker than cotton candy.

They told me it's dirtier than just a regular washcloth. Oh, yeah, that makes sense, because it's just filled with your dead skin and grime, and then you're rubbing it on your face and stuff. That's why I use one loofa and then just get rid of it. That's how you dispose of a loofa. Out. Out. I have a fucking hamper filled with 300 loofas.

I don't use it any once in a while. You know, I never thought I would want to aspire to be a straight white male in a mirror. I think you're changing my mind. Wow. I know it's all about the loofas. Amazing. Jake, you had a roommate. Did you ever walk in on him?

No. My roommate, God love him, was 21. I was 18 and he was like a bald 21-year-old transfer student from another college. We had the opposite problem. There was like, in the first half of our freshman year, people on our floor were friends with girls, but by the end, we couldn't get a girl to come on our floor literally ever. There was no problem of walking in while people were hooking up. Yeah.

We went to college before texting was really a thing. I remember the tie on the door, rubber band on the door. I heard about that. But at the same time, I never did that, nor did I ever see that. We ended up doing that for if you were jerking off. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Just really, really sad.

But then it's like, sock on the door and don't come in. Yeah, but have you ever seen that in the wild, the real sock on the door? Yeah. Yeah. So people did use it. And when you're 18 and you see the sock on the door, that's the coolest. You're like, cannot wait to see that do the next day. Wow.

And it actually meant that. Everything. It wasn't like, I would figure that's too dangerous because people would fuck with you if there's a sock on the door. People would take the sock down. You have to respect. You have to respect. We didn't respect anything but the sock.

People would shit in the shower. But I'll put a sock on the door and not say a goddamn thing. Yeah. I guess like. What she can do, I would say is if you don't get the heads up, you walk in, sit down, go about your day. Sorry, you didn't give me a heads up. I'm just going to chill.

This is my room after all. Exactly. Yeah. You make yourself a bowl of ramen and you just sit down. Yeah. And the microwave, the hot pot, the lava lamp. I think knock. What?

Oh, knock here on door? I mean like. I say you can knock for the first offense, but if it's happened multiple times. Yeah. And here's the thing about girls. We like to play dirty sometimes. So you're saying you especially shouldn't just barge in? No.

Oh yeah. I guess I never thought of it the other way. It was two ladies living together. Right. All right. So you say knock and then enter or knock and then wait. Okay. Here's what you do.

Steal this gal's boyfriend. Whoa. Whoa. And she walks in on you hooking up with him. Not so nice. And then you're like, how do you like that, Susan? Jake has a mind of a girl. Jake has a mind of a girl.

I'm calling it right now. What are you calling? No, I'm saying that Jake has the mind of a girl. That's what I was thinking. That's right, bitch. I can say that word because I have the mind of a girl, bitches. And the body of one too. Yeah.

You do look really nice with your wide hips like that. That's really cool. Oh, come on. Come on. All right. Why don't we take a break? We'll thank some sponsors. We'll be back with more Gabby.

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Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Gabby, what do you got going on other than Snatchers? Tell us about you. I wish I could tell you that I'm like this cool person who has stuff going on all the time. Yeah. But honestly, probably when I'm done here, I will go back to my humble abode and get in

my PJs and do college work. College work? You said you didn't go to college. She goes to online. Online. Oh, of course. So sorry to hear that. Do you have one?

Yeah, which one? Los Angeles Valley College. Oh, yeah. I have friends that went there. It's in North Hollywood, right? It is. So you, I mean, you live in LA, but you're going to online college in LA. Yeah.

Just so you don't have to go to like the actual classes. Well, okay. I tried going to normal classes because I again, I was home schooled my whole high school career and I missed interacting with people. You haven't had any normal school experience? I haven't. The only normal time I had was up until seventh grade. Did you go to a prom?

I did go to a prom. But an online prom. No, no, no. It was a legit prom. It was a chat room. How'd you go to a real prom? My best friend bought me a ticket, so I went to Texas. Oh.

Kind of crashed the prom. Oh. It's kind of a big deal. Well, you went to Texas? I did. Oh, you were in LA and you went back to Texas to go to their prom? Yes, yes, yes. Very cool.

Nothing like crashing a prom. I crashed a couple of proms last year. Okay, so that's a little different. Yeah, yeah. She was invited and it seems like you just heard about a prom and you went to it? Yeah, I went to one in Guilford. Guilford. I was back in CT.

That's a small little town. Yeah. It was less than 200 kids. Well, they have dates, so it's about 400. Yeah. And I went stag. I was going to, well, you know, without a date. Just, but like just you and your boys, but none of my boys were like down to go.

So I ended up just going solo. Sober drunk over you. You got to show up. It was your headspace. Yeah. I showed up a little, a little, I vaped in the limo. Oh, you still got a limo, even if it was just you? Because I didn't know who was going to come around for the after party.

You have to make an entrance. Got it. So you 31. 31. High. Well, back then I was 30. Okay. So 30-year-old showing up to a prom in Guilford and a limo.

I was pretty young. I was a young baby. Vaping by yourself in a limo is a 30-year-old walking out. Well, not by myself because the limo driver. Got high with you. Yeah. We pulled over at a 7-Eleven and vaped and just fucked. And then he dropped you off at prom.

What are you wearing at that point? He came too. Oh, it's a driver. It was my date. We stole the show. All right. I got a good, I got a good word to search. All right.

If you guys will indulge me. Yes. Catch up. Catch up. I actually think that's pretty bad. Lots. Gaps. Are you on my side?

I think it's a pretty noble. Noble? Noble word choice. Three. Three real questions. Are you serious? Yeah. God damn.

A bunch of spam and then three. The Game Boy has lost it. All right. So three is the score to beat. Do you want to answer one that's called catch up racism? Weird situation. Or a girl had a Satanist roommate. Oh my God.

Let's do a weird situation. Keep it fake. Okay. A guy's name. He's British. I know. I know. Nigel.

Nigel's a good one. Nigel's pretty British. Nigel. Nigel. All right. You want to go with Nigel? Let's do it. Will you approve?

Nigel writes. I was Snapchatting a girl I like recently and all was going well. I just broken my headphones and was joking about stabbing. Holy shit. It's fake. It's fake. It's fake. I just broke my headphones and out opera.

I just broken my headphones and I was joking about stabbing myself with a butter knife. So I laid down in the bathroom floor and lathered my chest with tomato ketchup. She said that it was the funniest thing she'd ever seen so that I considered myself to be well in with her. All great, right? Wrong. Right at that moment I was about to jump in the shower to watch the ketchup off my butt naked body. My mom knocks on the bathroom door telling me to hurry up because she needs the toilet. So I'm stood there nude as the day I was born covered in ketchup.

But I was not the reddest thing in that room as I stood up without a stitch on in front of the woman who birthed me. I have a suspicion that she doesn't believe my story about having a nosebleed and thinks I'm some sort of tomato sauce fetishist. How am I supposed to approach my parents again after this situation as I don't think either of them can look at me the same way. Thanks a million, love Nigel. P.S. I know how unrealistic this sounds but I swear to Jebus. It's the truth. Jebus. Are you snapping?

I am an avid snapper, yes. So 20 year old you. Hip, cool, social media ranks. Snapchat number one? Snapchat. Or Instagram. That's so hard, that's so hard. I would say they're pretty even.

Really? Yeah. Snapchat still holding on with the cool youth of America. What about Facebook? Is that anything? Is that just sort of like? I barely reach up Facebook anymore. Is Twitter zaddy?

I swear, is Twitter zaddy? Sorry, I'm trying to fit in. You're wearing her high heel shoes? Twitter, do you use it at all? Every once in a while, yeah. Is Snapchat and Instagram top two? Yes. And then Facebook.

Twitter Facebook. Is there one we haven't even mentioned? I'm not really, there's like a, is WhatsApp a social media thing? Or is that just a message? Yeah, WhatsApp is a thing. Do you use WhatsApp? I don't musically. I don't use that.

Oh yeah, musically. My niece is like all up on musically. She thinks the musically celebs. I'm deep into like Venmo comments. What's that? Those are the best. Yeah, Venmo comments. So what are you doing in there?

I'll just like go through my feed, see what people are paying people for and be like, is this slang for drugs or did you actually go get like- You're thinking that or you're leaving that as a comment? No, I'll leave that as a comment. Then I'll screenshot that, send it around, send it wide. What do you mean by sending it wide? Well, Instagram stories, somebody's Venmo transaction and try to deduce what it was. Weird invasion of privacy.

Yeah, exactly. Anyway, have your parents ever caught you in a sticky situation like this? Have you ever been shamed? Obviously not to the extent of rubbing tomato ketchup on your body completely naked. No, I have to give that guy some points for committing that much. What was the occasion under which he put the tomato sauce on his naked body? He lost his headphones, yes. Yeah, he was joking about stabbing himself with a butter knife because he had broken his headphones

and then he's like, look, this is it. Snapchat himself covered in ketchup. I see. Naked. So he committed to a joke. Wow. Do you have your Snapchat open so anybody can snap you? No.

No, no, no, no. Got it. So you don't get a lot of weirdo creeps all up in your shit? I do not. Huh. I kind of want to do it just for fun to see what happens, but then again, I'm like, I don't want to open up and see a penis. Yeah, what kind of fans do you have?

You were on a Nick or Disney show, right? I was on a Nick show for a little while. That's where the basis started. So I assume most of your fans are young? Probably. Females? If they're young, then they're like really old weirdos that watch a lot of Disney, right? Which happens.

I got a lot of, when it first premiered, I would get like a constant person twittering me about the episode and like screenshotting stuff about how I looked. And I was like, oh, he has to be like maybe 50. That's insane. I thought it was really funny. Can I kick his ass? Go for it. Oh, no, he's asking if he's, if he can, like is he strong?

Oh, oh. Do you think I could? Do you think I'm, do you think I'm Zaddy? Am I a Zaddy as Twitter? Wait, what was the name of your Nick or Disney show? It's called Nicky, Ricky, Dicky and Don. Were you Don? I was not Don.

I was the babysitter of Don. Awesome. I bet my nieces know about your show. Probably. All they watch is Nick. Really? Yeah. Nicky, Ricky, Dicky and John.

Don. Don. All right, I'm going to ask her. Okay, back to this guy. How am I supposed to approach my parents again? I say, they probably don't want to talk to you about it as much as you don't want to talk to them. Yeah.

They're like, holy shit. They're like, sweep this under the rug, game over, not worry about it. Who knows what the hell's going on? And hopefully they don't catch you doing it again. Yeah. I would venture to say that the mom probably doesn't think that he's a catch-up fetishist. Yeah, that he's jumping to a little bit of a conclusion. I think that his mom is probably mortified that she walked in on her son naked about

to take a shower. True. She's not like thinking about, oh, why was he covered in ketchup? She was just thinking like, I shouldn't have walked in. That's, I think that's it. Yeah. If you think about it, it'll pass. This too shall pass.

Yeah. What's the most embarrassing situation that your mother ever caught you in? That's a good question. Most embarrassing, I was pretty much a homebody, so probably never catching me with a woman was kind of embarrassing. Like I never had a girl, so like at age 17, she was still walking in on me playing video games, hoping to God that I was naked, covered in ketchup. She never walked in on you masturbating?

Never walked in on me masturbating. I guess maybe a morning boner. Oh. Yeah. Like, you know, when you wake up with an erection, I'm sure my parents have seen me have an erection. Really? Yeah.

With like outside of the pants? Yeah, like I'm wearing pajama pants, walking to the bathroom, morning wood. That's not that bad. Yeah, it's not that bad. What do you got? I was covered in mayonnaise. Got it. Mustard.

You and this guy? No, not ketchup. I didn't get that embarrassed. Yeah, do you have one? I mean, my mom and dad both caught me masturbating constantly. Huh. As much as that girl has walked in on her roommate, my parents were probably like double. Yeah, cool.

In your room, in their room, in the living room. Definitely in like the driveway. In the living room, in my room, in the bathroom. Yeah. Yeah. That would have happened. Yeah, I did, yeah. And I don't remember how we dealt with it.

Like, because you repressed the memory. I guess so. But there was just so much going on in my house that like that was never the worst thing. Yeah, six kids. There's like- You're one of six? Yeah. Oh my God.

And I remember- How many siblings do you have? I have one. Oh yeah, that's a solid amount. I was number two and my brother is eight years younger than me. So at like 13, I was the only one masturbating everywhere. I assure you. And like there's not a lot of like private space in the house.

So like every, you know, if you're walking into a room where I was alone, you better believe me. You believe? That's so funny. Internet? Pre-internet? Well, it was post-internet, but there was still, there wasn't like, you weren't streaming movies. Yeah, right.

Pictures. Praying to God no one was going to walk in. It was like, Jake, what are you preaching? Nothing. It's a fucking work-a-size homework. Wait ten minutes. It's going one pixel at a time. And then I'll have Pamela Anderson in a crop top with an under boob.

And I'll keep it in my room. I swear I will. But then we had like one family computer and people would be like, I need to do my homework. I'm like, well, I'm fucking doing something. It's pretty important too. Choking your mom. Jake, what's gotten into you? You're scaring me.

And I would get home like 15 minutes before my sister's. Like middle school got out at 2.30 and then school got out at 3. You're dead sprinting. Ferris Bueller style. Yeah, my bus ride was longer. Over hedges. I'm getting home at like, through neighbors. I'm getting home at like 2.45, 2.50 and they're going to be home at 3.05.

You better believe that. You find the low shit. Fire up the computer. Where's the fucking ketchup? This is a Heinz commercial we're pitching you. Wait, you grew up with fast internet. I did grow up with fast internet. That's crazy.

Most of my life, yeah. I was actually just thinking about it. That's really crazy to think about. Yeah, you don't, like as soon as you were old enough to have a cell phone, you could have had an iPhone. I actually didn't get my first phone until I was 13 and it was a razor. A razor? Wow. A scooter, not a phone.

But that was seven years ago. There was an iPhone then, wasn't there? Yeah, 2010. My parents were like, no, no, no. You got to earn your keep with a razor. Did you grow up with a personal computer? I did not. Like once you got to like, once you were started to be homeschooled.

I got my first computer at 16. My parents are actually pretty good about not doving into the whole like technology thing. Yeah, these are things that parents have to think about now, right? They do. It all exists. So it's like, when do I give it to my kid? Right. When's the normal time to give it?

Yeah. Babies with a lot of babies are like no screen time. They don't let the babies do screens. So in a way, it was almost crazier for us because we're going up like growing up as it's coming out and nobody's like hiding it from us. Yeah, there's no rules yet. Yeah. So I get to use the internet. The Wild West technology.

My parents don't know what AOL is. They don't get that I'm in chat rooms. I was in chat rooms as like a 14 year old pretending to be a 19 year old. Probably having cyber sex with other 14 year olds pretending to be 19 year olds. And you turned out all right. No, I didn't. All right. So do we have any advice for this guy?

Don't worry about it. I don't know. Your parents probably are more embarrassed than you are. I think if it comes up, I would just be frank and be like, I was trying to woo a girl, mom. Yeah. Is that so wrong, mom? That could be good actually. Telling the truth.

Is that what it's called? Really? Is that the first time that's come up on our podcast? Our advice show? Yeah. I don't know what lies to tell, but maybe the honest way might make more sense because then the mom would, you know, one, be understanding and two, maybe even be proud that son's willing to go the weird, weird distance to woo a girl, as you say.

Well, that's the multicultural woman perspective. Welcome. Finally. That's 100% correct, by the way. Shit. Shit. You have to host the show now. You're not qualified anymore.

We're out of touch. We're grandzaddy. Awesome. We're out of time. Aw. Gabby, did you have fun, Gabby? I had so much fun, Gabby. Gabby with Gabby.

Gabby. That's what I'll rename the podcast. I like Gabby with Gabby. Yeah. When you're hosting your own show or just taking over ours, that's what you can call it. Where could people find you if people want more Gabby? If people want more Gabby, you can find me on Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat, all under Gabrielle Elise.

Oh, damn. Good word. Or if you want to see me in what I do. Snatchers on go 90. Holy shit. We're halfway through the series, so you can binge it. Or maybe they can find you at online college. Maybe they can find me at online college.

What courses are you enrolled in? I'm in history and calculus right now. Calculus? I hate calculus, you guys. Why? Do you do that? I have to. It's a requirement.

How is calculus good? You're doing derivatives and finding the area underneath the curve. Yeah. I would love to help you out with some homework if you have any questions. Well, I don't remember how to do any homework. Cool. Thanks for coming on the show. Thank you for having me.

I don't know what else to say. If you have your own questions or theme song submissions, send them all on over to, if I were you, show at gmail.com. The opening one was written by, what was the name? Jackson? I think his name was Jackson. Do we ever even say it? We might have not.

It's Jackson Booth. Jackson Booth. Thanks, Jackson Booth. This closing one was written by somebody named Chris Forgash. Thanks, Jackson. Weird name, right? That's a weird one. Thanks to Gabrielle Elise for coming on our show.

Thank you, guys. Great job. Thanks. We'll be back next week. Forgash. I mean, come on. Let's talk about it. Yeah.

Send in your questions or let these two Jews take a shot. They will give you sage advice. But if you're an asshole, don't expect it to be nice. I'm talking about, if I were you, show.com. If I were you, show.com. If I were you, show starts now.