If I Were You - 348: Escape Room

Episode Date: September 17, 2018

In this episode we discuss baldness, grayness, and stiff backs. Basically, how to get older without really trying.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. It's Monday, I'm ready to hear my favorite show, it's the FIWU show with Amir and Jake, you know. This podcast around, these dudes take it home, like Homer Stubb and his toe, they're making. They've done so many episodes, can't even count the number, when a new one drops, some say it. If you got a sick situation with the tipsy agent, or the risk you're taking is a little brazen, you gotta hop in, it is crazy, they'll give you advice to pick your date in.

I got advice and found myself a chill spouse, man, everything's coming up in the millhouse. Whoa. Alright. Simpson's Chic. Your favorite. By James Gisbrecht. That one really straddled the line between bad and good. Yeah it was.

Which I guess is our brand too. I didn't like it, but I was impressed. Yeah, it was good at parts, and then it ended fine, which means I liked the whole thing. I remember when we were making our videos, we were like, as long as it ends on a funny joke and you were laughing, you don't remember the first two minutes. That's true, and I've already forgotten it. It should be so rude. What is his name?

You're half scrolling through Instagram asking me what this guy's name is again. A full scrolling through Instagram. If you must know. And it is my finsta. I've already checked every story on my regular Insta. Jaydolla not Hurwitz. James Gisbrecht Gisbrecht G-I-E-S-B-R-E-C-H-T. Cool.

Thank you. Thanks James, and thanks to you guys for listening. This is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet that we host, I'm Amir. I'm Jake. How about this for a pivot? Okay. No more podcast. Wow.

So the podcast is over. Done. And in its stead is a new type of show, Nay Experience. Oh. Okay. Called? Escape J and A with Amir and Jake. So we go town to town or city to city, state to state, whatever, municipality by area.

And we do escape rooms with people one at a time until everybody's escaped a room with me and you. So no more content created. Exactly. Just experiences shared. Yeah. But the experience is an escape room, and it's the same escape room every time. So we can ruin it or look smart.

Get quickly through it. Yeah. That way we don't have to spend a lot of time with people. Right. But the twist is every time we start, we're like, oh, this one is new. This one, we've never done this one before. We should reveal the hook right here. Well, people won't fucking remember it.

They're so stupid. Like we just talk and it just goes in one ear and out the other. These fucking morons don't like know the difference. Why would anybody want to do an escape room with you? Because I'm good. You're mean-hearted. No, you're not. That's an escape room that I designed, and I did so from scratch.

You have no idea how to design an escape room. Well, what you do is you pick and choose different pieces from different escape rooms. So like I'll do a Shakespeare one. So already you're not even designing anything. From scratch, yeah. You're not designing anything. From scratch. Scratch.

Scratch is what it's called when you like do it by stealing other people's ideas. No. That's by Theft. That's like French. To make French toast from scratch, you still need toast. Okay, fine. You are stealing other ideas. You mentioned Shakespeare.

Yeah. That's a good idea. Let's run with that. So this is a Shakespearean-themed escape room. That's really good, actually. What are some of the clues? The clues can be like just different like minute facts about Shakespeare that obviously I know that like a lot of people might not.

So it'll be like a cute little clever poem. You know anything about Shakespeare? Because you shouldn't have chosen this if you don't. No, yeah. Shakespeare is like one of my passions, so like I know a lot about it, actually. And to do an escape room, you just come up with like clever little ways. So like let's say, for example, just like a super easy little bit of not trivia because it's not trivial to me.

Don't yell at me. Okay. I'm just saying it's not trivia because it's not like. It's not trivial to me. It's not throwaway. Yeah. It means a lot. It actually means a shit ton to me.

All right. So it means a lot. There's this play. Do you know about William Shakespeare? Yes, I know about William Shakespeare. Do you? Because it's like a really long set up, long meandering. No, no, no, no.

Sorry, sorry. I just didn't know who I was talking to. And I can't like, I'm trying to like dumb it down for our, again, utterly moronic. Don't be mad. You yelled at me because you said Shakespeare wasn't trivial to me. I was minimizing it. So you walk in and it's like the year behest from toad to test, the tempest bleeds a blue. So he does sonnets.

From here to, from here and from, from Kingdom Comm, his favorite color was blue. And then you have to like find like a, blue, like a little tip, a little hint. And then you have to find like the blue book and then you open it and it's like this fucking whatever. All right, go ahead. So it's, it's whatever. It was born in like 1902 or whatever and you're like, and then you have to find the thing that goes to the thing.

And then like by, by the end of it, like we're better friends with our head so far, you move like what is what an escape room does to a friend group. Yeah. Like what the design, the record is pretty difficult. So like 45 minutes is average, but most people don't finish it. But then I would be there to save the day. So they'd be like, when was Shakespeare born? And I would figure it out.

But it's like, whatever, 1850, 12 or whatever the fuck, 1850, 12. And then so you have to like. So then you count one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 12, 12, 30, 40, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 15. How high are you counting right now? 1852. Don't. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

That's the time. All the way to 1852. Okay. You see how long that takes. You put up an envelope and then you're like, if I can give me cash at the end of it, like as a tip. This isn't an escape room. You know nothing about Shakespeare and you're robbing people.

So we go town to town. Yeah. Kind of like robbing people. Kind of like a great train robbery or whatever, Bonnie and Clyde style. And then at the end of the tour, we'll frame it as a tour because these idiots love that shit. Sorry. I don't need to laugh.

They're just so bad. We've stolen. What? You're bad. Your idea for an escape room is it's predicated on your love for Shakespeare, which is nonexistent because you don't know what his name is. You're not doing a very good job of hiding your disdain for me. Yeah.

At this point, openly criticizing the idea. Yes. It is a bad idea. And you're a bad guy because it's not even like a business idea. It is a business idea. Fun experience. It is a fun experience for me. No, it's a robbery.

It's a theft. Every experience. Feeding our fans. Yes. Stealing. People that support us, you want to trick them into being in a room with you. That's poorly designed, by the way. And then once you're in there, you'll tell them how to get out of the escape room and

you'll steal their cash. Yeah. And what's the alternative? Doing this podcast. That's fun. Okay. Let's do that then. You go from a...

Yeah. I'm used to like there's no bad ideas and at this point, I feel like you're just, you're finding little flaws, which you could do probably in any idea that like you could say something. Every idea is bad. Like I can say your idea is bad. Shakespeare was born in 1564. Yes. What did I say?

You said 1902, then you said 1852, then at one point you said 1850-12. And when was it? So when was it? Now I said when he was born and you have no recollection of what I even said, which you pretended to agree with what I said. 30 BC, when was it? BC. 30 BC.

Before Christ, do you think it was? Yeah. Or when was it? When was it? 1728. 1728. Yeah. 1728.

That's what I said the whole time. Well, it's not that. That was a lie. That was a test to see if you would fucking agree with any number that I said. And I'm also lying to test the audience. He was born in 1564. Right. PM?

Did you say PM? No. At night? He was born at 1564, PM or AM. It's not like Army time. What? I'm saying that's the year, not like the clock. What do you think?

Like he wasn't born. I just know the time he was born and I was saying Army time and it was 15 and the minute was at 64, which would actually make it 16. All right, all right, all right, all right, enough criticizing everyone. I was like criticizing everyone. We're making fun of our fans, which I don't appreciate because I think they're great. You were making fun of the fans, calling them idiots. I'll edit it.

Impressionable. I'll change it. All right. I'll make it so that you came up with this fucking dumbass idea in the escape room. You're going down her width. You don't even know a God darn thing about William Shade. Now, can we get to the questions that I meticulously found so that we can continue the path that we were going on, which by the way, I love to do.

Yeah. We'll see how you edit this to see if you come out to be looking like a good guy. I'll tweak it and I'll change it and I guarantee when this is posted, your tweets will be like, fuck off, fuck you, you suck, you piece of shit and my tweets will be like, you're a hero. I love the idea about not doing the escape room. You know more about William Shakespeare than Jake or whatever and I'll tag you in the ones that ring the most true.

This is insane to me. Let's see here. Oh, this one's pretty good. It's called is having a girlfriend gay now. Okay. We'll call this man Henry the fifth. Nice. Very good.

Big fan small D had a quick question for thee. I thought I'd send your way and what does it involve texting a couple of buddies of mine are either coyous shite or dumb ass fucktards because they don't know if it's chill to send smiley faces to girls. Only problem is, I don't know either. A few weeks ago they stole my phone a few weeks ago they stole my phone and read my texts with my ex in which I might have smiled text wise needless to say they've been on my butt ass ever since.

Would you place a smiley every few texts or does that dog your man card also how can I get revenge on these C U N T S oh I'm a 21 year old straight gentleman any gay thanks for the time. Oh, all right. He is getting made fun of for using smiley in his texts. That's rice. Are they the smiley emojis or like colon parentheses smiley. Wow.

What would you say is more embarrassing to use. I'd be embarrassed if I got caught for using the parentheses they're not emojis. Emojis are widely acceptable is fine. At this point. I think so. Yeah. You're describing perhaps emoticons which are the what we're what we grow up with which was like instead of the yellow smiley face imagine this kids it was just a colon a dash

and a capital P and that was supposed to be your tongue out. Yeah. Yeah. And a semicolon. Like you're laughing a lot. Yeah. You do like X to X for eyes. Yeah.

I think it's just a single X to make it look like eyes are closed dash carrot or if you were crying it would be semicolon dash dot dot straight line to indicate you're fine on the day. But still sad to have it that way. If he was doing that I think it was cool because it's kind of retro it's throwback. He's basically asking in the grand scheme of things how you talk to people you're courting or perhaps people you that you're in love with or in a relationship with might be considered emasculating to your friends because you're talking to that person differently than you

would your boys. Yeah. I don't think I'd want to see like I would want to have my boys see me like talk lovingly to my wife. Yeah. Because. You use a different voice. You use a different text.

You use a different connotation. Yeah. But everybody does. So it's funny that it's like embarrassing. Like I remember X girl friends being like are you with people right now you're talking to me differently. It's like very instantly noticeable when you're like being curt fast basically the way I talk to my friends versus the way I talk to a lady friend.

When nobody's around. Exactly. But that's what people know about that. That's the phone voice that you put on. But do females use phone voices or are they sweet to everybody. They're better than us by and large. So they'll be emotionally vulnerable to their friends and in front of their friends and they won't get judged.

So that's fine. They don't feel the shame because they don't need to needle each other make fun of each other poke fun for being emotionally intelligent and honest and open with their partners or friends. And let's change that. Gents you should just let the emojis fly. It's fine. Let your friends can your friends can see it and they can make funny view.

You could be like I don't care because I like the way I talk to this lady that I like. That's really nice. Yeah. Okay. How about this for the Shakespeare thing if we're not completely putting the kibosh on that idea. You said you were going to edit the podcast to make it seem like it was my idea. Well that's if I don't save it right now.

So you choose one person per escape room that's considered the guillotine and you put him or her in this kind of like beheading contraption. So you put the guillotine in a guillotine. Never mind. I will never mind. And why don't you never mind. If you don't like that starting point there's no fucking world where you are super on board with what happens after that.

Yeah probably not. So why don't we go ahead and answer the question. Yeah. Unless you're going to. No I was just going to say. Yeah. All right. Yeah when you sit like yeah yeah let's move on.

Now I can't stop thinking about it because you cut me off at the pass. So the losing team gets beheaded a little bit the guillotine gets you choose one person to have for high stakes but if you don't like the whole fucking guillotine and a guillotine then it doesn't make sense. It's like saying do you want to go to lunch. No. And then I'm trying to sell you a fucking sandwich. So if I didn't like.

You just say you don't want a sandwich. If I didn't like. You just say you already had. You have to let me you have to let me speak. Right. Right. You're saying if I didn't like the name that you came up with which was dumb and redundant that I wasn't going to like.

Dumb and redundant. Sorry that he said it correctly. I thought you misspoke for a second. Continue. I didn't misspeak. You misspoke. Yes. And I'm going to cut that part out too.

So don't even address it. Dumb and redundant. Yes. Dumb and redundant. They're calling a guillotine. The person that goes into the guillotine. Okay. You said I wasn't going to like that.

Then I wasn't going to like you actually murdering somebody in the escape room. Right. And you don't. Because that's the idea. And you don't. No I don't like it. I knew it. Because you went from robbing our fans to killing some of them.

Killing them. Yeah. Some of them. They probably won't because nobody knows shit about Shakespeare anymore. Including you. The bark. You know the bark. What about the bark?

That was his nickname. All right. Moving on. It's obviously a waste on you. Now. Okay. Let's call this person who is actually a 20 year old student in the UK where I really am sure that William Shakespeare was from.

That might be true. Okay. We'll call this guy Hamlet. Hamlet writes, I'm a 20 year old student in the UK working part-time in a grocery store. A grocery shop to make some money on the side. Recently, my back's been hurting and without all the will or resolve to do anything about it, I resigned myself to this life of pain. However, I believe the solution has been hiding under my nose the whole time.

While I was stacking shelves one evening, my security guard came up behind me and started massaging my shoulders. This man is a chode of himself, short, stocky, burly to say the least. I thought his voice, like grip on me, surely meant paralysis, but once he let go, I felt incredible. It was as though my back had been broken and reassembled better than ever before. Unfortunately, the relief was only temporary. And now this was kind of a spur of the moment thing.

But after having tasted the sweet, sweet nectar of my backknot being all tight and achy, I'm not sure if I can go back. My question to you is, how can I trick this security guard into giving me another massage again? Helps he is slightly less than middle-aged, Turkish from what I gather and a bit of a deviant. He once bragged to me about sleeping with an 18-year-old on a night out, which I thought was gross of him to do, but I'll be damned if his healing hands aren't a Turkish delight of themselves.

Turkish delight, very good. I guess a net zero, right? Thanks in advance. Hamlet. P.S. love NADPOT and buckets. You guys should come back to the UK show with Geoffrey and Riley. Good tips. Good advice.

Your back hurts. Yeah. Is it the same pain all the time? Does it come and go or is it new stuff? It's always different, but I think it's easy for me to slip a disc or pull a muscle. That's kind of where I've come down on it. You're just susceptible to that. Yeah.

So you're leaded. And I know what it feels like now. So sometimes I'll be climbing and I'll like my foot will slip out from under me and I'll just feel my back tense up and be like, all right, my back's locked for two days. Two days. It's like I'm just locked out. It's like knowing when you have a cold to germinate you. With a cold you sort of on like a 50% day, you're like, oh, shit, I think I might be

getting sick. I think I might be not. I might have to like ward it. But with a back, it's like, boom, instant, you're in back pain for the next few days. Right. At least two to three days. And that's it. That's just my life.

Do you know why you're more susceptible and do you know how to prevent it? I guess I imagine it's because I have like, I need to work on my core strength, but it might just be that I have like weaker discs in my back. I actually don't. Have you been to a doctor, a chiropractor, a masseuse, a physical trainer, a physical therapist? I've sort of looked it up and I know that like when you strain your back, it causes inflammation.

It sort of like causes it to hurt. And that is, I'm so stupid, I don't actually know. So I think that the inflammation, you're guessing, you're web-emptying your way through this pain. But I think the inflammation sort of like occurs so you don't continue to hurt it more. So basically, if I'm lifting up a big heavy box and I pull my back and it gets inflamed to the point where I like can't, I don't have full range of motion. That's because my back muscles are protecting me from further straining my back by hurting

so much that I'm allowed to use it basically. That's just sort of a, you're just doing the general evolutionary reasoning for pain. Like when you're standing on a burning fire, it sends a signal to your brain to move. Right. But like this back inflammation is. So it just seemed like a warning shot than other people. And do you know how to fix it, how to like heal yourself? Would a massage help like this guy?

Stretching helps and a massage would, massages don't help me. I think stretching my back, stretching my legs and like rolling out my legs. And if a middle-aged Turkish man should give you a massage, a magical massage that healed your pain, would you feel frightened or annoyed or eager to ask him to do it again and again? I don't think I'd be into anybody giving me a surprise massage. But it sounds like if this person ended up liking it, they shouldn't really feel nervous about asking the Turkish masseuse to do it again because he did it the first time because he wanted to.

Oh, interesting. Like putting him in a weird position to be like, Hey, do you mind massaging? I mean, he's already sort of proven that he doesn't because he did it. Yeah. Unless it was like a quick, friendly back massage, shoulder rub. Also, I don't think that it's necessarily his magic Turkish, Turkish touch. You could just go to another masseuse. Yeah.

You could even get a, I got, Oh, maybe I'll use this as my unsolicited advice when we come back. I don't know what it is, but I got like a vibrating, Whoa. No spoilers. And I rolled my back out on it. It feels great. Oh, shit.

Good man. Yeah. So if this guy is down to give you a massage once, odds are he's down to do it again. I wouldn't be too embarrassed or shy to ask for one. And then two, maybe you can get a professional one that'll last for even longer than this favor this Turkish guy's giving you. Go get a massage. Yeah.

I think I'm due for a massage. I've only had one in my entire life. We have a free massage, a gift that we got from my friend, remember? That's true. We should go. It's on my desk. And it's still valid. Let's fucking go right now.

It's eight PM on a Sunday night, but I don't give a shit. Let's go this week. Okay. We should definitely do that. Yeah. For sure. A little Yom Kippur massage. On Wednesday to break our fast.

I'd love to atone for that. All right. Let's take a break. Let's thank some peoples. And I'll be right back with more questions and answers after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake.

Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. Photo of anything, perhaps a baby. And then it goes to their digital photo frame.

This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah. Yeah. And then you just heard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app.

Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that.

You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A. Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the

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Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist.

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Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. It's a lift. Mom, I'm coming.

Gross. As I previously mentioned, I am going to endorse the LifePro four-speed vibrating foam roller from Amazon.com. Amazon makes it, or they just ship somebody else's? They just ship somebody else's. It's the LifePro. I got the pro life. Let's not mince words here.

I mean, just search Vibrating Foam Roller and look at all the different reviews. There are some that are like 200 bucks, there are some that are 30 bucks. So I'm imagining four little tennis ball-looking spheres that are rubber and mechanical on sticks that vibrate. I'm showing you. Oh, it's a tube. Yeah, it's a foam roller. But it's vibrating.

But it vibrates. Interesting. The inside has a battery pack, and it feels so good. Wakes you up. Have they invented a shoulder rub? Like the guy in our last question said he was getting a shoulder rub. Certainly there can be a hoodie that I can put on that would give me that sensation, like mechanically or electronically.

Just this, and we can put a man on the moon, but I can't replicate a guy giving another guy a shoulder rub. I mean, the other thing that I have that I would also endorse is the Vulcan AcuSphere four-speed high-intensity vibrating massage ball. Yeah. We're starting to sound a little more sexual with every go-around, but yeah, what does this one do? The other one is a vibrating 12-inch dildo.

It actually massages you from the inside, which most of your muscles are actually closer to your asshole. So what you want to do is sit on it, and it shakes your whole body. I think there are, at the climbing gym, they have these things that sort of look like candy cans with balls on the end that you hook around your shoulder and you can get into your shoulder muscles. This ball you can put on the floor and just lie on top of it and roll it around your back. What about a vibrating ball gag?

So it sort of shakes your teeth. All right. Never mind. Yeah. I'm going the same idea pile as the Shakespeare escape room and decapitating our fans. I guess all my ideas are sucky. Yeah. They are.

They are. Yeah. Are some better than others at the very least? I guess, yeah, a vibrating foot like gag is slightly better. That's pretty good, right? Decapitating our fans. Yeah. That is a good idea.

Yeah. One of your ideas today was that we would put our fans in heads into a contraption that cuts their heads off. Spit ball with that. How does that... Where's your tongue during the... And this is all happening. Shakespeare escape room.

It can almost be like, say Shakespeare was born in 1850-12. You think of a toothbrush. A toothbrush almost. It shakes the plaque. You have a legal idea. How was Seattle? You were just in Seattle doing a not another Dungeons and Dragons podcast live show. Yeah.

The evolution of NADPOD. My first live show without you in like a decade. Holy shit. It's crazy. Did it feel weird? Was it nerve-wracking in a different way? Was it not nerve-wracking because it wasn't performing as much, it was more like playing with your friends?

I was definitely... I was curious going into it. Not really knowing what the audience was going to be like because I never met... I know there's a lot of crossover, but I had never met NADPOD fans. Tried and true. You've just met NADPOD fans at our shows. You've never met a 100% pure NADPOD fan. Exactly.

And it was great. It was so much fun. Murph... I didn't know what Murph was going to do because he was DM-ing the live show and I didn't really know where we were going, what our mission was. Oh, so it's like he sort of set the table and told the story in front of everyone and you guys heard it at long time, along the same time as the audience. So I guess I was a little nervous because I also wasn't just being Jake.

I was on stage as hard one. That's right. Could one of you have died that episode? We could have, but we said it was non-canonical. Okay. So basically whatever happened at the live show would not be taken into account in the real... Story.

So it didn't move the plot forward. It was like a little break, rest area. Yeah, like a side quest, almost like a fever dream. But we went back to one of the old cities that our campaign had visited and saw a whole bunch of old characters. But then who does... Didn't guests do those voices? No, Murph does all of the NPC voices.

Wow. Sometimes we have guests, but we didn't see any of them on this side quest. Holy shit. So that was Seattle. Is that the only live show you have? That's the only one we have for now. I would definitely do more. We also hung out for two hours afterwards and just got drunk with people.

Wow. Old school. It was very old school. I love that. Yeah, I would never do that with you. We don't have fun anymore. So I'm thinking me and you in Seattle will ditch the little fucking whatever, the herky jerk throwing dice game or whatever the fuck you...

Those guys are my best friends. And it's none of the Brian Murray and the Caldwell. Yeah, exactly. So those people are there. Are the people I want to tour with from now on. And it's me and you. Seattle, baby. All of your ideas are bad.

I mentioned that earlier. That's fair. That makes sense. Sweet. Hopefully we get more live shows on the books. Maybe we could do a NADPod slash if I were you, co-branded. We leave you in one spot. NADPod takes you from there.

We sort of take you across the country, alternating shows. We do... Let's do a NADPod in buckets. Wow. So I'm talking basketball in a side room and then on the main stage you, Murph, Emily and Caldwell are spinning a web, spinning a story where I'm spinning a C-web. That's right, Chris Weber. Nice.

Imagine him playing fantasy basketball. And if you like that pun, then you're going to love buckets. Well, it says half basketball puns, half updates and news about the NBA. I would say, I should say, I had Tim Baltz on the last episode and we called three-time NBA champion BJ Armstrong my first call-in interview. We haven't even done that on this show. No, we have not. The deduction value on buckets is already through the roof.

Well, it's actually hilariously not because I just put him on speakerphone and held it up to the microphone. But it worked out fine. It's not good. We can do that. Now that we know. Fuck it. Let's call BJ Armstrong again.

Oh, he blocked my number. Of course. Yeah, the interview didn't go well. All right, let's get some more questions and answers under our belt. Here's one called Going Gray in the lamest of ways. Macbeth. That's right. In the last six months, I've watched in horror as my hair has faded from cherry chestnut

to a Gandalf gray. It was only a few hairs at first, but my head now looks like the side of a mall car park after the first winter snow. Not only is my hair ascending to the follicle gods, but it is receding like it's afraid of my eyebrows. What do I do? Will the hots with the lots of hair want to sleep with a silver fox in his mid-twenties? Is there a hair DeLorean that will restore my hair to its lustrous glory?

At the very least, this is unfair hair scare is causing my self-esteem to fall hard. Help. Love. Macbeth. Macbeth. So there's two things going on here. There was graying and then there was also receding, which is like seems to be two completely different problems that he's dealing with.

Yeah, because I think if you have a great head of hair that goes gray, that's A-okay. That's what I'm dealing with right now. That's cloning. I'm like 40% gray at this point. 40%? I don't know. Some pictures look worse than others. On the sides, I think I'm a third gray.

I mean, your gray hair is awesome. If I were you, I would go, I'd like dye it gray. The other way. Yeah. Go as soon as possible. As soon as possible. Yeah, dude. There's no rush.

That looks awesome. But then the receding one, I don't know. It always, the interesting part about going bald and how to deal with it is like where we as a society put shame in some things. If I get whitening on my teeth, that's fine-ish. Nobody's really getting shamed or ostracized for that. If I get veneers, then it's starting to be a little weird. It's like, whoa, this guy has fake teeth.

If you get a surgery to fix hair, then that's seemingly more acceptable than wearing a toupee or a hat all the time. It's so weird because on one hand, everybody is judging you. It's like, oh, just if you're going bald, just let yourself go bald. And then on the other society, generally finds bald men unattractive and we've dealt with that forever. It's also like, where do you put that in for going fat? It's like, oh, if you're fat, don't work out.

That's cheating. You're cheating. Just be you. And then also, everybody in society has agreed that this is the best way to look and it's not how you are. So just accept that you're not. Yeah. It seems like nose job are shameful.

You don't really brag about having a nose job. If I got a nose job, I wouldn't come on the show and talk about it. But you... But there is a standard of what a nice nose it looks like. That's right. Lasik is fine. You got Lasik and you're fine with that. That's improving your vision.

If you're improving, I guess the difference is sometimes it's subjective versus objective. So you can quantifiably say, my vision is improving, though a surgery was worth it. Right. Or it's like, I'm making my nose smaller. That's not necessarily better. You're just superficial. Right. Well, it's improvement to you, but to the rest of us, we're supposed to be like, no,

your nose makes you who you are. But the weird thing is that there is a conventional norm of like, your nose makes you who you are, but having a small nose makes you conventionally attractive. Maybe there's something to be said about cheating. A tanning bed is considered kind of lame, though not as bad as a nose job because that's surgery, but like being outside a lot is not considered lame. Is it like you're trying to find a shortcut and that's kind of embarrassing? Like when I whiten my teeth, that's slightly more embarrassing than using whitening toothpaste

because toothpaste is part of an average process. I guess what it all comes down to, to me is whatever you do, do it for you. So if he's like, if he just doesn't like his hair, he doesn't like going gray and he's like, I want to dye my hair black or get a wig or get a hair transplant or something. Like that's fine. Go for it. Do your thing. But don't be like, oh, I have to do it because everybody else is expecting me to or because

everyone else will think I'm ugly. It starts with you just being confident and doing your thing. Here's another thing. It seems like shaving your head is much better than keeping it long while you're thinning out. It seems like once you keep the hair long and it's getting thinner and it's getting grayer, that's more noticeable. Yeah.

I think that's, that's like the lowest impact, highest reward thing that you can do is just like get a nice short haircut. If like, if you don't want long wispy white hair, that's probably the most noticeable. And then if you got, what I would do is I would buzz my beard and my head all the same. So like get like the, the closest thing you can get to like a Jason Statham thing going on. I see. So there's like a, like kind of like a two week growth.

Yeah. The whole entire time. Yeah. Stubble from chin to forehead. Yeah. I think that's it. It depends on how you look with facial hair. That's, because I could also see like shaved head beard.

That's a fun look. Oh yeah. That's a good look too. Like completely bald, but then also thick beard. Yeah. Nobody's fucking with that guy. That's like the Walter White. Uh-huh.

I like shaved head, shaved ish beard, like with some growth, but then like a longer mustache. Oh, interesting. Who's rocking that? Um, I can't think of it right now. Yeah. It's like, it's something. All right.

So there's, there's lots of options for you. Yeah. Just Google this shit. Yeah. Um, all right. Last question. Sure. Uh, choosing between two.

Ah, but first we should say you're beautiful no matter what. Oh. Yeah. Duh. That goes to that same button. Yeah. As long as you're happy and healthy or whatever the fuck. All right.

Uh, okay, got one. My problem is this, writes, uh, a lady. Ooh. Lady Macbeth. Ooh. Very nice. Oh, wait. This is a guy with a lady's name.

Still, Lady Macbeth, but a guy. Nice. Uh, we were talking, oh, here we go. Uh, I've been texting with a female friend of mine and I haven't talked to her in a couple of years. We used to be kind of close and we were really comfortable with each other. We could talk about anything. We made jokes and we were also a bit flirtatious.

Here's my problem. We were talking about babies and stuff and she mentioned that she didn't know if she wanted to be a mother. And she said, even if I wanted to, it's not like there is someone out there I can do it with. To which I replied, I could help you with that if you ever wanted to. We would make really cute babies together. At the time I thought my reply was just funny and a bit flirtatious, but I think that may

be she was offended by it. To be honest, I would be lying if I said I didn't expect a more positive reaction on her part. She kind of seemed into me when we used to hang out, but maybe I misread that. She hasn't replied to anything since then and it's been around three days. Am I a creep? Is she being a diva? Is this fair and or average?

How do I make things right? I understand that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I just want to apologize if I offended her in any way. How do I go about doing that? Uh, I'd like to hear your opinions on this. Thanks. Love? Lady Macbeth.

But a guy. Okay. What do you think about that text? He made a joke about wanting to make a baby with her, but she kind of set him up by saying it's not like there's anyone who would want to do it with me. That's a weird text to send on her part as well. Yeah, but then he was kind of into it. It's kind of like that thing where if you're interested in someone, there's no bad texts

because every flirtatious text that's reciprocated worked well and everyone that dies that nobody responds to for three days is like, oh shit, what was I thinking? It is interesting to have a baby with a friend. Why does society require it to be a man and a wife in love with each other? Like what? I can't have a baby with you? Well, we couldn't have a baby together. I'm just saying we can adopt and raise a child just as well as you and a wife of yours.

Like your wife, for example, can I raise a baby with you instead of you raising one with your wife one day? I want to be your nanny or manny in which me and Jill ideally. So the three of us, a thrupple raising a child one another because two and two and one. Right with a number of shitty ideas that you've had on this show. Three, yeah. Yeah, more than that. Yeah.

But you do not hear about that as friends raising a baby together. Well, do you like the commitment between two people if you're going to have a kid? If you're friends, it's too casual. And it's like, oh, we have a kid. It's like, oh, I'm sort of done with this kid. So it's like, first you have to prove that you'll love each other forever and now you're ready for it. Right.

And even that doesn't always work out. Ideally. Yeah, that's true. A decent amount of time. Maybe there's something of friends doing it. This guy swung for the fences, said we can make babies together and now she didn't respond. He says, I'd just like to apologize if I offended her in any way. How do I go about doing this?

That sounds perfect. You text her after three days. By the way, I just wanted to apologize if I offended you in any way. Yeah. You're being silly and answering your silly question with another one. I think that's a decent, if you want to talk to her again, I think that that's a pretty solid move. And if you never want to see her again.

And if you're mortified, I think it's fine to just let this lie forever. Let sleeping dogs lie or you borrow a kid from a friend, right? It doesn't have to be a baby newborn. It could be a six month old or even a two year old anywhere between six and 24 months. Find out where she lives. You arrive with a child and then you say, I'm sorry, I didn't get your text. Did you say you'd be down to clown with baby town or whatever the fuck you want to phrase it?

I'm getting pissed at you because you're looking at me weird. But it's not a bad idea. It is a bad idea because this isn't even addresses issue of wanting to hook up with her. Like there's no baby being made between the two of them. It's just he robs a friend of their baby and then shows up and shoves a baby at her. Yeah. And then he was too weird by saying, I would make a baby with you. You think it's less weird that he shows up with a baby that doesn't belong to him?

And then once, yeah, once the baby, right, yeah, that's true. That'll work. And then once the baby is there. Don't say that'll work like I came up with that idea. You came up with that idea. That's actually pretty good. I repeated it back to you to show you how dumb it was. What's hotter than a newborn when you're making out with your new mommy?

So like you always see these new parents who are all tired but still making out all the time, right? Yeah. So you bring the baby and I guess it's some sort of fucking aphrodisiac. Just probably hearing the dulcet tones of this newborn will make you lactate. It's like a funny little conversation starter, icebreaker, whatever the fuck you want to call it. Stop saying whatever.

Stop giving up on your ideas halfway through and then like pitching them meanly at me. Yeah. That's exactly right. Pitching them halfway through and being like fucking mean at you or whatever the fuck. And then getting mad. Yeah. And then saying whatever the fuck. Okay.

You sort of expect as you're talking that everybody is anti your idea and then you get pissed. Which is fine. Yeah, I guess normal because it is a bad idea. Specific questions that he had. Am I a creep? I don't think you're a creep but I do think you misread this and I think you sent the wrong text. I don't even want to say that much because she took the first swing, he escalated and

now it's just a weird thing. Listen, you can flirt with someone and then not respond to a text and makes the person seem like a weirdo. Yeah, I guess. But like anytime you say we would make cute babies together, it feels like a lot. Yeah, especially because every baby is cute. That's sort of a, anybody can say that. Who's going to say I made an ugly baby with someone?

Yeah, I don't know. We'd make ugly babies together. We could make a, that's a funny kind of pickup line though. Let's make ugly babies together. Pickup line? We're not pickup line. Bad tinder open. Vow.

Bio. Bad bio. How about a hinge bio? How about a decent hinge bio? How about a Raya song? Is your voice singing that as your slideshow please? Let's make ugly babies together. All right, we're out of time.

Thanks for writing in. If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, anything of that sorts, send them all down to ifiroyushowatgmail.com. The opening theme song, remember, was the Simpsons one written by James, and this closing one is Landon, who made another a little bit of sleet though rap. A little bit of sleet though. A little bit of sleet though. If you want more me and Jake, we have podcasts, not another D&D podcast, and buckets, two

completely opposite shows, all on the same magical network head gum. Thank you so much for listening. We will be back as soon as humanly possible. We don't want to leave you for too long. Yeah, can't wait. Talk soon. Bye. Bye.

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