If I Were You - 367: Nephew's Haircut

Episode Date: January 28, 2019

In this episode we discuss DND, DDR, and Amir's previous lives.For more If I Were You, check out our Patreon page!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Remember that time Jake committed that he fucks Amir's feet with Vaseline? That was pretty good. Whoa. Whoa, I didn't do that. What did it say? Remember the time Jake has admitted that he fucked Amir's feet with Vaseline? Oh, I think he used coconut oil, right?

Yeah, dude. I would never use Vaseline. It's two name brand. We would never throw them. It's not organic enough. That was a fat lip cover, obviously. Yeah, dude. Fucking dope.

I love that shit. Well done. He says he usually does rap, but if you want to check me out, find me on SoundCloud under the name. Oh my God. What? This is a bad name. I can't even begin to understand how to say this, how to spell it.

It's hard to look at, and it's hard to speak it. Wow. All right, give it a shot. Thighwild spelled T-H-Y-W-Y-L-D. Wait, T-H-Y-W-Y-L-D. Thighwild? Thighwild? Thighwild?

Thighwild? Thighwild? Thighwild? Thighwild? Thighwild. Thighwild. Thighwild. Oh, thighwild.

Thighwild? Yeah. But T-H-Y. Sorry, T-H-A-Y. Oh, never mind. T-H-A-Y-W-Y. Y-W-Y is the hard combination, I think. Wait, Y-W-Y in the middle.

Thighwild? Yeah. I like that. That's a cool name. It's tough to spell it that way. It's tough to spell it that way. But if you see it, I think that's cool. T-H-A-Y-W-Y-L-D is his name on SoundCloud.

Shout out to Thighwild, all right? Not a bad name. Great song. T-H-Y-W-Y does rap, so check them out on SoundCloud. Have you ever been inspired to submit an actual theme song to this and maybe try to sneak it under it? Oh, me? A pseudonym?

Yeah. No. You think you could do that? Yeah, I could. Because we can record it here using our mics, and then you would just need the instrumental version of songs. I would play a guitar, dude, because I'm actually a musician. What's that?

I could do a music, like a cover band parody thing, like Hoody and the Blowfish. Yeah. You and me. Oh, that's good. Come from different worlds. So far, it's the same. Yeah, well, yeah. So your version would be different.

You get so mad at me when I play Tinder with the girls. God damn it. Can I stay at your place tonight? What was that? You threw that in? Yeah, no, I need, so I, as you know, I'm visiting Los Angeles this week, and I need a place to crash. What happened?

Where did you sleep last night? So since I've been here, I landed and I stayed. I hotel tonight at the standard. No, not the standard, the ace. The standard was a little standard, so you wanted to get an ace room at the ace. I had an ace up my sleeve. Nice. So I stayed at the ace, and that was pretty nice.

It was pretty ace. That's good. Then the next night, I stayed on your pullout sofa, which was, compared to the ace, obviously dog shit, but it was cheap, and it was nice. It was cheap because I didn't have to pay for anything. You got me dinner. I got you dinner that you never paid for. Which I didn't pay you for.

So that's completely free. On that house. Because I just parked, as you saw, I parked a little bit on your curb. Yeah, on my front yard. Your tire was spinning out on a few of my succulents. So that was decent. Then the next night, I stayed at Murphy and Emily's, which was lovely. Lovely for them.

Left out and then spread for me. She had. I got you dinner. You didn't pay for the dinner. You got me dinner. You got me a bunch of takeout that you just put on the counter. I had to feed myself. Not on the counter.

I actually made a bounty in the morning. There's coffee. There's English muffins. There's peanut butter. There's cereal. Sorry. I left before you woke up. A true bounty.

It was beautiful. Layed out a towel for me in the guest room. Yeah, there was a towel in the bathroom. In the bathroom. I don't even know if it was clean or not. Of course it was clean, yeah. All right, so. I was saying it was nice.

I'm saying I liked Emily's. This all ends with you requesting to stay. I'm getting there. Last night I stayed at the line hotel. Very nice. Very short. The line was fine. The line was more than fine.

The standard was standard. The ace was ace and the line was more than fine. Yes. Lo and behold, now I don't have anywhere to stay. I could pay for another hotel. Why don't you? The line is fine. The line is laundry.

I have laundry that I have to do. I'm here for seven days. I only brought five pairs of underwear. You don't have to do laundry. I'm out of socks. I'm sorry to hear that. I want my last pair of socks today. Yeah.

So I got to do laundry. So I need to come to your house. Uh-huh. I need to do laundry there. Yes. I need to sleep there. And you want the dinner and you want the breakfast, right? I won't say no if you want to grab dinner again.

Grab dinner means like two friends hanging out grabbing dinner. You mean me grab dinner for you. If you can, yeah. Well, I don't. You grab it. You like grab an apple on your way out. You don't grab dinner. Okay, because your girlfriend called it in.

Yeah, but it was your order. You gave her an order. So I like ordered her. You ordered her. That's like just right off the bat. You ordered her to order you things. You picked it up. And I picked it up and I paid for it.

You did 50% of the work. You paid for it too, which is nice. But don't feel like, don't say, oh, I ordered dinner. Like Avital ordered the dinner. Yes, she ordered the dinner. I paid for it. I gave my order. And she picked up the dinner.

You told Avital the order. She called it in. Yeah. She called it in. What did you do? I think I cleaned it. I cleaned everyone's dinner up, but not everyone's dinner. You threw your plate into the sink.

It almost broke. You threw the plate into the sink. So I did a trick because it didn't break. So I did a trick for Avital to entertain Avital. And tonight, what would you need? Do you need another hotel? No, I don't need a hotel. I need to do laundry at your house.

And then where do you need to sleep? I need to sleep on the pullout. Or the master, if you would, I would prefer to sleep on the master. Of course you sleep. You prefer to sleep in my bed. You prefer to kick me out of my bed and to sleep in my bed. If I could sleep in your master, that'd be nice because it has the en suite. It has the en suite.

It has the patio. This all started with you trying to like slip in a little request at the end of a hoodie in the Blowfish parody. You and me. Real and out of the squirrels. Yeah. Yeah. And then.

So yeah, if I could stay at your place, that'd be nice. That would be great. And then where's tomorrow? We do a pokey for dinner, like a pokey bowl. Yeah. Tomorrow I'll go back to the east. Just let's start the loop back again. Yeah.

Ace, Murph and Emily's. And then my place again if necessary. Right. Well, I guess that'll be on Sunday. It depends when I go back to New York. Maybe that'll be Sunday. Maybe that'll be Monday. Okay.

I decided. All right. Cool. I'm glad we didn't figure it out that you got your formal request. What do you mean? I need to do laundry. Where else do I do it? A laundromat?

Like a coin op? No. Yeah. There's one in Echo Park, I think, on like sunset. It's like Lando World. Yeah. I know where Lando World is. Yeah.

There's Starbucks inside. I used to go there in the mornings when we lived on Lafayette. Yeah. I'm floored that you have even suggested that I go to a coin operated laundromat. It's like really steamy in there. Like it gets like. You have a wash and dry at your house. You're not using it.

Even if you don't want me to sleep over it, at least let me come by and do the laundry. At least let me drop it off. Yeah. Order your dinner. Pay for your dinner. Yeah. Yeah. Let's start the show at the very least.

We've just been close to 10 minutes discussing where you'll be sleeping tonight. I'm glad that we've landed. We haven't landed. We haven't landed. We haven't landed. We have landed there. You've, what you should have been like. I put in a formal request.

Yeah. Is there a world where my request gets denied? Is there a world where it gets accepted? What are you talking about? I'll sleep at your mother's house tonight. He'll do my laundry. She'll be glad to. This is if I were you.

The only advice podcast on the web, hosted by us. I'm Amir. And. I'm Jake. Sorry. Yeah. Sorry about that. Recording this episode before my birthday, releasing it after my birthday.

Oh. By the time you hear this, I'll be a 36 year old. 36. How do you feel about being 36? That one feels like a big threshold to cross to me. It seems less than the threshold between 34 and 35. Yeah. 35 is kind of like squarely.

Yeah. Because like 29 to 30, 30 is a big one. 31 to 30 is less than 29 to 30. Yeah. 31 to 32 is maybe more than 30 to 31. Because 30 and 31 are kind of similar. Interesting. 32 to 33 versus 31 to 32.

I think that's bigger. Yeah. Because that's mid 30s. Yeah. 33 to 34 is less than 32 to 33. Because 33 and 34 are both like mid 30s before 35. 34 to 35, bigger than 33 to 34. Definitely.

Yeah. I'm now like at the lesson big of a one, 35 to 36. I see. Interesting. But 36 is like, I guess 36 still feels like prime male age, but 37 for some reason feels like the most. Yeah. 37 will be big.

37 will basically be 40. Yeah. It almost feels older than 40 on the ear to me. Yeah. I'm 37. Oh, that's pretty old. 40. Oh, so you're like, you're newly 40.

Yeah. That's not that old. Yeah. That's not what all stones are though. Because like you're not married, no kids, no real career to speak of. Well, I was 36. That's kind of depressing. I've been focusing on myself.

In a way. I've been like trying to get it. And you look at somebody like me who's like married, doing amazing in Hollywood. We're the same career. And then I'm only 33 and it's like, oh wow, this guy really has his shit together. This guy's like, I'm up and up. Why are you on the up and up? But I'm over the hill.

I don't know. I feel like true to you. You have to sleep on your pilot. Your pilot. They passed on your pilot. I wrote a pilot by myself. I don't think so. With me.

Career wise, very similar. It's pretty cool that I wrote a pilot. You have to sleep at my home today. I don't have to sleep there. I think it makes more sense if I sleep. As long as I'm coming over there. You're out of socks. As long as I'm talking about a 33-year-old, you don't have a place to sleep tonight.

I might as well sleep there if I'm going to be there doing laundry and having dinner. Final sleep at a hotel unless I get sleepy while I do laundry. I'm doing the bed at 6.45pm just in case. I had a list of questions to answer, but now there's a question staring at me that I haven't read, but the subject line feels so good. I want to almost read it blind on this podcast. It's called Nephew's Haircut. It's kind of a unique, cool-sounding question.

Do you have a nephew's name? I don't have any nephew. What about your aunt? Oh, no, this guy's an uncle. What about your uncle's name? All of my uncles are named John. Okay, so we'll call this guy John. This guy has to deal with his nephew's haircut.

I don't know how. What kind of question you would have about your nephew's haircut, but let's find out. Ready? Hey guys, I have a problem. I would like your help with, so my big sister's sister is a hairdresser, and she has two wonderful sons. I love them all, but she has gotten them a horrible haircut. See, attached photo.

There's no photo. One of them looks like a godless tractor lesbian, and the other one has lightning down the side. I mean, come on. It's your profession. How do I tell her she made a mistake? If you are wondering where the photo is, I'm not a douchebag. I won't give my nephew's photos to strangers on the internet.

Nice, a twist. Anyway, how do I tell my bitch ass sister that her son's haircut sucks? XOXO, world's best uncle. Wait, it's just one nephew, right? Yeah. How old is the kid? I don't know. Horrible haircut lesbian with a lightning.

There's two nephews. One looks like a, quote, godless tractor lesbian, which I don't know what that is, and the other one has, quote, a lightning down the side. That sounds awesome. Especially if you're a boy. I was just going to say how cool it is to have, I feel like young kids with really funny haircuts,

like trendy ass, like cool haircuts is just fun. When I was a boy, like sick between the age of six and 10, it seems like there were two kinds of haircuts. There was one that I got, which is just the bowl cut, just like cut it four inches and let it fall like a mushroom. Right. And then the cool kids got spiky hair, gel, short with gel, a second grader, a third grader using gel.

Those are like the kids that got like their ears pierced in like fifth grade. I got my ear pierced in third grade. Is that true? That's real. You got your ear pierced in third grade. In third grade, I had my ear pierced. An eight-year-old boy, and you're like,

I want my ears pierced, my ear pierced. I think like me and all my friends had our ears pierced. Eight is really young. It is really young. It's crazy. It's really fucking bizarre. And your dad and your mom said, yes. I'm like, I'm old enough.

I'm eight. I'm already eight. I waited this long. Four years ago, I was four. I get that. You don't want to give me an earring. Yeah. So what kind of earring did you get in third grade?

I had a stud in my left ear. Gold stud. I was a stud. I was. And then how long did that ear stud stay there? It stayed there for about a year in the ear before it got so infected that I had to get my pus-filled cyst drained. At age nine.

I was a nine-year-old. I was a fourth grader. I had, yeah, I had elective ear surgery, inpatient care. I had my boil slanted. I was a fourth grader. And then did you not have an earring in fifth grade? Yeah, I did not have an earring in fifth grade. And then I might have got another earring pierced it again in sixth grade.

Wow. If you had an eight-year-old boy and he wanted his ears pierced, are you going for it? I guess I would probably listen to his reasons. Yeah. Yeah. All my friends are doing it. I'm eight. I guess it's interesting.

I feel like, you know, there's that old saying, like, if all your friends are doing it, like, or jumping off a bridge, would you do it? Yeah. Like, I think there's some sort, not to the jumping off a bridge, but I think there's something like valid to, like, all of my friends are doing it. This will help me fit in at school. Yeah. I would be like, oh, that's a good argument.

As a third grader. Okay. So anyway. Oh, yeah. I think when I was that age, the haircuts were bowl cut, long hair. No, I had long hair when I was, like, third grade. Like, down to your shoulders? Yeah.

And then, but then there was one time, I think, maybe in, like, second grade that I wanted a rat tail. Wow. I really wanted a rat tail. A rat tail and an earring. Yeah. Hey, the earring is going to have to wait until you're in third grade. And I came home, my friend's mom was, like, a hairdresser and I came home from her house

and I had a rat tail and my mom was really mad and she made me shave it off. Wow. So she could, she, she would abide the earring but not the rat tail. Wait, you went to your friend's house and his mom gave you a rat tail? Yeah. Basically, like, a pretty extreme haircut, leaving a really long little tail at the bottom of it. And then you had, like, yeah, I had, like, relatively long hair and she just shaved the back of

my head and left the tail. That seems pretty extreme for a friend's mom to do to a seven-year-old without your mom's permission. Yeah. That's, that's the suburbs, baby. I want to talk to parents because, like, when you're a kid, like, you go over to your friend's house, their parents feed you, their parents do this, sometimes they give you a haircut. I bet there's lots of drama happening at the top on the parent level that we don't know

about. Yeah. Did you ever have a friend, a friend's dad, like, just yell at you? No. Not yell, but we had, like, friends that gave us food that we weren't allowed to have. Oh. Like, oh, a mirror's mom gives us McDonald's. I'm not supposed to have it, but, like, I'm a mirror's mom.

Yeah, like, don't tell your mom. Yeah. Like, you fed my kids stuff that I'm actively trying to, like, keep away from them. Yeah. And then that, like, had a nanny, and the nanny always got us McDonald's and, like, gave us chocolate milk. Like, this place is great. Chocolate fucking milk.

But I wonder if my parents were like, don't give my kid. She's like fucking horrified. Yeah. And that was, like, with allergies and stuff. I don't know what the hell's going on. Yeah. Everybody's a fucking snowflake now. I'm going to shave your kid's head.

Well, that reminds me of this guy. I feel like you do an uncle trip, like, hey, can I take the kid to the arcade or to, like, mini golf or, I don't know, go-karts? What do you do with an eight-year-old? Yeah. I think this is out of the uncle's jurisdiction. I don't think I'm in charge of haircuts. I think it's squarely in the uncle's jurisdiction to fuck with his sister, though.

You take the kids out to fucking the golf range. You said this was mini golf. Yeah, we'll fucking take a pitching wedge and smack away. There's the, like, something in my hometown called the only game in town. It was, like, mini golf, a driving range. In an arcade, batting cages. Batting cages, go-karts. That's exactly where I would take my niece and nephew if I had them.

So you take them there. And then on the way back, you get them a fucking haircut. Like, how'd you like a mohawk? How'd you like a normal haircut? Whatever you wanted. Maybe they'll want this haircut. Maybe it's, like, the kid's choice. Well, then that's how you find out.

If the kids want it, then you step the fuck back. Yeah, it seems like it's the uncle's job to give them the weird lightning bolt, but if the mom's already doing it. Yeah, I imagine the kid probably wants the cool lightning bolt haircut. I'd like that he said he was going to send us a picture, but then he said, I'm not giving you pictures of the nephews. That's fair. But I imagine them blonde-bolt-cutted boys, whether you like it or not.

Another lady will call this, I don't know, what's your aunt's name? Lisa. Lisa writes, I'm going to be the bridesmaid in my brother's wedding, and while I love the woman he's marrying, I don't really know the other ladies. The wedding party, in the wedding party. I'm the youngest one, 22, so not so weird,

but I feel like they're all friends, and I'm only invited because she felt like she had to include me. Luckily, the bridesmaid's dress isn't too expensive, but the bachelorette party's going to cost about $550. I know you hotshots might think like that's nothing, but to put this in perspective, it would be like if you guys had to pay $5500 for a little wedding. That's right, she's already doing the math,

and it's like, imagine 10x what it costs. Okay. Needless to say, I'm worried about a lot of things going on. How do you guys suggest I make it through this potentially awkward hangout with these ladies who are already super close, and how do I not freak out about the money? Love the show. Hope to hear Jake on Twinnovation and Amir on NAD Pod sometimes soon.

Ooh. A double crossover. Should we double crossover her? Yeah. Double crossover over. Double crossover over, dude. I think the money thing is an easy out, because the person you're marrying sister in your bridal party

is a very tricky thing to navigate. It's a thing that you sort of have to do either though, but I feel like she wouldn't be that disappointed if you didn't come because she's already there with her friends. You don't necessarily feel like you have to go because they're all friends and you're not. You use the money as an excuse to back out. Her brothers?

Her brothers, yeah. So she doesn't know anybody. She's not the same age. She doesn't have the money. Yeah. 100% back out. Back out. You honestly should back out even if you had the money.

She invited you out of courtesy. And you're saying yes to that courtesy. She would so much rather be there with her best friends. Well, she is going to be there with her best friends. And not have you there. 100%. She would rather not have you there. Oh, yeah.

That's tough love. That is. But that's, I mean, as somebody that has dealt with lots of wedding stuff, like you invite the significant others family out of courtesy. Out of courtesy. Yeah. Out of courtesy. Like, thank God Jill doesn't have a brother.

You had to invite him on my bachelor party and it would have sucked. But yours? Yours. And it's kind of weird because they're like closer to the soon to be wife and it's like the bachelor party is supposed to be like getting away from that side of the family. Yes, exactly. But you have four sisters. How did Jill navigate that?

Well, Jill had a bachelorette party that had like 15 people. Were your sisters invited? No. So it wasn't even the courteous yes and then followed by the courteous no. Yeah. But it was, I think that was just because it's like, it's already so huge. And I have so many sisters. But I think the move is what we all did, which is like bachelorette and bachelorette

parties totally separate and then like do something with them. Like when my sister also got married and my brother in law invited me on the bachelor party, which I could have gone. I didn't. But I also think that there's definitely a world where him and his friends had much more fun that since I was not there, me and Micah both couldn't go. That's right. And like did more insane shit because like they didn't have weird brother chaperones.

Can we eliminate that as a common courtesy? Could we put that into our society, speak it into existence? No more inviting your other's same gender relative. At least not out of application because you can also picture like if you happen to be that close. Yeah. But I just, but so close that they're like your best of best friends already. Maybe if there's like a world where you've been with somebody for like 10 years.

So you've like had a decade long friendship with their significant others. Yeah. Or with their, with their siblings. But when me and Micah didn't go to my brother-in-law's bachelor party, we like took him out for a night when we were all home in Connecticut. And it was great. So separate. So we like had siblings.

Yeah. It was like almost like a bachelor party mini, which I think is really nice. Like just make a point to do something like. Diet bachelor party. Yeah. So you take your soon to be sister-in-law out for dinner or on some other kind of adventure somewhere. Get your nails did go to a movie, go to a drive for the week, a whorehouse club.

No, no. Burgine. Yeah. Do something else special. Save the money. All right. Cool. We'll come back.

Talk some more questions and answers after this. Woo. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just father's day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant.

We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah.

Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame.

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that.

You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. It's a really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEDGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best

selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames.

A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. Code HEDGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEDGUM podcast you were listening to.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and

you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp.

All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com slash if I were you. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you.

Check them out. And we're back. Jake Hurwitz, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift to the fight. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Not this week, but I know you do. Yeah, so I've been using a new app.

I hate for this to sound like a sponsored segment, so just know that they're not paying me to say this. Sure. There's money falling out of your phone right now, though. Yeah, that's unrelated. That's just a wallet that I bought. One second every day, an app that my girlfriend taught me about. You upload a second clip of video every day and at the end or whenever you want, it spits

out a little video collage of that chunk of time. I think I'm going to do it for 2019. So far, I'm on day 10 right now. I got one second every day. It already feels like a fun video diary. I can't wait until... Yeah, I've been keeping up with it. I can't wait until February or June or the end of the year.

I'm going to have a second. I'm like, oh, yeah, I remember that day, that day, that day, that day. It's kind of like an easy diary to keep. You've been wanting to keep a diary for some time. Yeah, but I felt bad diarying and journaling. I'm already taking pictures and videos. I spend at least an hour and a half every night with my journal. Diary, yeah.

It is a detailed recap of the day. It seems quoting people in full. Yeah, almost like you've been interviewing people about a documentary of your life. I have a bibliography for my diary. We're excited from A to Z, thousands of people. So this is just one second. You take a couple second video, then you choose the one second inside the video. That's right.

Actually, I'll take it now. I'll take it now because this will be the, oh, that day that I talked about one second every day. Cool. Sorry, you can ask me questions while I videotape you. What were you asking? What happens to the other part of the video? You basically can delete the source video once you're done with the one second.

Did you delete the source video? I haven't yet, but I have feeling my ... That's taken up a lot of space on your phone, pal. So let's delete the source video. You're still videotaping me right now. Yeah, that's a 13 second chunk. I'll use one and get rid of the scraps. Well, you won't get rid of the scraps according to, you have two weeks worth of 15 to 40 seconds

videos. I'm a vlogger now for lack of a better term. I just feel like that's really eating up on your storage space, pal. Don't worry, I upgraded my iCloud, so I've got 200 gigs just to spend. You upgraded the iCloud, but you didn't have to. Didn't have to. I could have deleted videos, photos, and all that stuff, and I kept pushing it, pushing it, and pushing it, and I'm like, all right, fine, I'll pay $2 a month.

$2 a month. Yeah. Wow. I won't do it. I refuse to. How big is your phone? I have a very tiny little phone. You can see it.

It's the size of your ... Yeah. It's an iPod Nano. Thank you. You're pinkie nail. Where'd you get that? It's an iPod shuffle from 2007. Yeah, the dollhouse store.

That is a dinky little phone. What are you rocking on? I got a big one. I have the ... What's the biggest iPhone? 256 gigs. I think I have that one. 256? Well, wait, I guess I could look it up if you just go to ...

Settings. Yeah. Actually, I feel like I got the one and something. 128. That's more likely. Where do I find that out? Oh, about this phone? Yeah.

Okay. Settings. This is good stuff. Yeah. Oh, no, I have 217 gigs available. Wow. So, you went for the full big boy and you could have gotten the little 64 gigs. You would have had more than enough space.

Yeah, evidently. It looks like I am using ... Where does it say how much I'm using? Well, if it's 217, you probably got the 256 and what, you're using 36 gigs of data? Right. Yep. That's exactly it. Yeah. Yeah.

Downgrade your phone. My phone is heavy for no reason. It's the opposite of my phone. I'm swimming in videos and you have a quarter of a terabyte of space. I keep it light and I keep it light. You're walking around. Yeah, but then you're walking around with an external hard drive. Splinter cell.

Don't even get the ... I bet you're still full of external hard drives. I can videotape the next two and a half weeks of my life and be good to go, so this could be perfect for you. One second every day, the number one, then S, then E, one second every day. That's my unsolicited advice. I feel like I've never seen you be this sentimental. Take it or leave it. Yeah.

That's what my girlfriend said too. It's very sentimental for me. I don't view it as sentimental, but I guess it is. I view it more like I'm already taking pictures and videos. Data storage. Yeah. Data storage analysis, compartmentalizing, organization, thoughts, feelings, prayers, all in one, ready to go app.

Now I can forget about family vacations I've taken. I think it's sentimental. Because I feel like I go around and when I see new things, I take a picture. Like if you were walking around in a new place and there's an awesome sunset, you take a picture. I do that, yes. And then it's on your phone. You hardly ever look at it again.

I actually do because I keep my phone so light that my photo app is basically a library. Yeah, but then what are you doing with those old pictures like a sunset from two and a half years ago? I'll print them out and turn them into a quilt. All right, you're a bad person to ask about this thing because wow, that's really thoughtful. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll turn it into a quilt.

The thing I have gets eventually turned into a quilt. I have all these pictures and videos on my phone and this is like a way to use them in a way because otherwise I just dump them on my computer. I have like 10 years worth of videos and pictures on my computer. I don't know what I'm going to do with. You have so much that on your computer, do you don't put any of it in an external hard drive? No, I don't.

That's crazy. Because I'm not at external hard drive yet. I just get a big computer and I dump it all there. Yeah, it seems almost like that could be a New Year's resolution for you until I sort of put all this stuff. An external hard drive? And then what do you do with your external hard drive? You put it away and you never really look at it, but it feels good to have your computer

be clean of all this stuff. I mean, that's a ton of shit that's on your computer that makes finding things that you need a little hard, doesn't it? I don't know. I just sort of put it in one Macbook 2010 to 2015. It's all in one folder, so it looks like just a little icon on my desktop. Yeah. I mean, that's kind of what an external hard drive is.

Yeah, it's like a physical manifestation of that folder. Yeah, but if you need to find a file on your computer, you're doing like control F and there's like so many files that it has to look through. Yes. Yeah. 10 years, 15 years. I have college essays on this thing. Yeah.

And they're all really good. Well. Here's one called The Old Man in the Sea. Well, yeah, let's read the essay. They didn't get you into Stanford. I didn't even get into Stanford. You don't do that rejection. No, this was actually after that.

Yeah. This is after the rejection. I used it to fuel the fire to fucking get a B frickin minus. You wish that you could get into fucking Moravian, dude. What is that? Moravian. Where is Monravia? Moravian.

What is that? It's the seventh oldest college in the nation. It's borderline Ivy League. I was shut down four years ago. Really? It's accreditation college. What? Yeah, I guess.

How's that possible? Now it's just a church. Look up Moravian. I'm serious. Why don't you look up Moravian and you see if it's the seventh oldest school. Yeah, it's forwards to Palaki University. It's basically Harvard. It's basically Princeton.

It was essentially Yale for all intents and purposes. So Amazon just uses it as a digital storage campus now. They bring old computers there. Okay, well, I also went to Southern, which is basically Yukon. Southern University. Southern Connecticut State University. You said Southern. Fucking Hunter.

Huh? I went to Hunter. Yeah. Student expelled for exposing himself. That wasn't me. Yeah. He said I went to fucking. Who that happened at the school?

I went to Southern. I went to Southern. Look it up. I went to Southern. He said waving his dick around to and fro at Hunter College. All right. All right. That's enough.

Eugene Lang. Eugene Lang, the new school. University of Phoenix offline. That's right. They sent me books to read. No one went to more college than me. Basically a doctor. Cool.

Yep. All right. Let's answer some more questions. All right. Okay. This one's called a bit of a doozy. Okay. How about somebody you went to college with?

Okay. Tim. I like that. Tim writes, I met this girl at work a couple months back and we really hit it off. A week in, I found out that she has three kids, but her ex-husband has come out as gay and was no longer involved. Usually kids would be a deal breaker, but I wasn't at all put off at the time. Two weeks later, she told me she's now five months pregnant.

Then we started making out when I would take her home and I got really close. She admitted to me that she was pregnant with a second guy, not her ex, but she had then split up with this guy and left the state. So he's out of the picture too. Apparently after I came into the picture and reminded her what it was like to be treated properly, she told him she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and canceled the plans she had to try to follow him and move him, move with him where he was. A week after that, we had sex and we've only gotten closer.

Am I just being a complete moron, assuming things will work out for the best if I do everything right with this girl? What would you do if you were me? She's 25 and I'm 23 and all of her kids are under four in case that has any bearing on anything. Geez. Four kids, an ex-husband and a baby daddy in her, she's 25. Would that discourage you?

I don't think so. I've dated girls with kids before. Really? Yeah. You've dated girls with kids. Yeah. You've gone on dates with girls who had children. Yes.

More than one child? Yeah. I think all of them only had one kid. Okay. Yeah. I think it was always one. Would you say this is not necessarily a deal breaker for you? That's the only way we can answer these questions.

What would you do in this situation? I don't know because even then I felt like there was some small part of me that was going on the dates for the novelty and if it ever got super real, I would be afraid. Got it. You don't actually want to be a stepfather of them. I don't know. This guy's only 23. Who am I to say to give advice that's like, don't follow your heart, don't fall in love?

If you're feeling like you could love this person, I don't think that kids should make you not. Yeah. I think there seem to be other red flags. For example, the guy that she was told that she would move with because she's pregnant with his child. Yeah. That she was going to move out of the state to be with a guy and then decided on a whim

kind of to not do that. Sometimes there are people that do crazy things all the time and they're too crazy and then there's sometimes somebody that does something that's like add a character crazy and it all works out for the best. This could, her not going to move out of state to be with you might just be the craziest thing that she's ever done and it works out and everything's fine. Or maybe she does this kind of thing all the time and only time can really tell. I don't know.

For me, this is too much drama, too much backstory. Relationships are hard enough. Now you're dealing with a gay ex-husband, three kids, one more on the way. This guy who thinks she's moving, it seems like a tough foot to start on. That you are entering a relationship where there will be like half siblings. Half siblings for sure. You're a stepfather to four and two other guys in the picture. Stepfather to four kids who don't all have the same dad.

Yeah. Also, you're 25. No, sorry. You're 23. 23. That's pretty young to be a father of four. Right. But nobody's saying that he has to be a father to the kids.

Would you say that he shouldn't even see if he loves this person? Don't even bother seeing if you care about them? See, that's the thing. Maybe this guy's like, I don't give a shit about any of that. I love this person. I want to be with her and I'll be the father to four. Then it's like, all right, go for it, buddy. But I wouldn't personally do it.

But I'm lazy like that. You do have a few kids. I have two with one lady and then four with the new Mrs. and then a baby mama. You're like, I don't want to be a father. I'm an absentee father to six plus the three from the previous. Do you pay the child support and stuff for his dad? So two of them think I'm dead. Dead, yeah.

Two of the kids? Yeah, this was back when I was Amos. Remember when I told you I lived in Texas for like eight years? I did not. I was Amos for a spell. You moved to Texas. I had long blonde hair. Yeah.

Amos. You dyed your hair blonde. Yeah, and did the fingertips thing and changed. I burned my fingertips off just so I'm completely off the grid, changed my eye color, hair and voice. That's when I was Amos. What was Amos's voice like? Amos was a lot like this.

He was kind of like a cool guy. Oh, he had a drawl. Yeah, he had a drawl and he had seven kids. And blond. And he drove a car off a freaking cliff and completely burned the car and nobody knows where Amos is. And you had two Amos as well. How many kids did Amos have?

Amos had nine. He said nine kids and they were all a little different. Amos Junior. Imagine. Jack. Robert. They're all a little different. Jack, Ryan, Suzy and Damon were back to backers kind of Irish twins in regards.

Jack, Ryan, Suzy and Damon. Damon was the fourth. He kicked a lot in the womb. Jack, is that why you called him? It was Nancy and there was Cord. Cord was a silly fellow. He never knew his daddy. There was Kyan.

His daddy was Amos. Kyan and Kieran. They were the twins. The whole. Kyan and Kieran. Kieran and lastly, little Twa. T-O-I-N-E. He never knew his father neither.

Then I moved to New York. They had the college humor thing. What was the last one saying? The last what? The last kids. Oh, Twa. Twa? Yeah.

His mom was French Polynesian. And none of these kids ever knew their dad. No. Amos was long gone by the time they reached four or five years old. Amos sounds like a real piece of shit. Amos was a bad guy. So it was after you had Twa and you moved to New York and that was when you started doing prank war stuff with Streeter.

Oh, yeah. So I met Streeter that day and I was like, I'll be like a Jew for a decade. Are you sure that you're not Amos playing Amir? Were you always Amir and you did Amos for a spell? No. His Amos was after Andrew. So like I was completely different. I know nothing of Andrew.

Oh, really? Well, of course I don't know Andrew. Yeah. So from zero to 18 I was Andrew, a French Canadian queen. Your royalty? In Quebec. In Quebec? Yeah.

It was God. What was Andrew like? I completely forget. That's who you are. Well, you live so much as Amos and then Amir that you sort of forget where you came from. So I probably have more kids than that. Andy had kids at 18? Andy had two.

Yeah, as a teenager. So you have 11 kids. What are those two kids named? Oh, four. Andy? Oh my God, you're French. You're a French Canuck. It was Sydney, yes, the little girl, and who else?

It was a... It's like, you're a kid. Blaget. Sydney and Blaget. And then at that point you had a kid named Demon. Oh, no. Oh, no. Amos and Tom.

Amos. Amos. And does Amir Blumenthal have any kids? No, it kind of grosses me out to have kids. I don't need that responsibility. I like this one guy the best. Yeah, that's the one that you befriended. You never see a Jake and Amos or a Jake and Andrew.

I know you do see a Jake and Amos. Yeah, but that's the two Amish guys that sell pickles at certain restaurants. That's right. So this guy's 23. I say don't necessarily go for it. I'm a little afraid of that situation. And I say proceed with caution. And reverence.

I would say you could have some reverence. And for reference, that's good. One last questions. Okay. D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d. Okay. A 23-year-old girl will call her, I don't know, Fortress. Okay.

Yeah. Fortress rights. You are good at naming your children. Fortress rights. I'm a 23-year-old girl who just moved across the U.S. to start a job that I've now despised. But I'll spare you the details. And I recently downloaded Tinder, seeing as though I know absolutely no one in the city and I'm very much single.

Cool. I tend to prefer forming meaningful relationships as opposed to just looking for random guys to hook up with. Unfortunately, the majority of dudes on Tinder solely want to fuck and don't care about anything else. After the endless weeks of swiping, I found a nice smart mechanical engineer. We went out for lunch one day and all went well until we started planning our next date. When I suggested meeting up the following weekend, he said he couldn't due to a DDR convention

that he was attending. That's right. DDR as in the outdated video game Dance Dance Revolution, apparently most weekends he drives hours away so that he can compete, drives hours away so he can compete at live streaming DDR conventions. I found it strange, but I put aside my opinion since he seemed nice enough. However, when we were planning our second date, he suggested going to a trampoline park. Is it just me or is this a weird date suggestion?

Anyway, I half-heartedly said sure since I couldn't say no to his face. And a few days later, he texted me a link to a trampoline park that he wants to take me to and I haven't responded. I really don't know that our interests are very compatible with one another, but every guy in Tinder is just some stupid asshole. So what do I do? Do I continue to date this weirdo freak who spends all his time at DDR conventions or do I just give into the peer pressure of Tinder and find some hot guy to hook up with sincerely

for Tress? I, for me, DDR is a bridge too far. Really? That's a deal breaker for you. And I play D&D. Can you imagine playing D&DDR? Dance, dance, and drum. Dungeons and Dance Dance Revolution.

So it's Hard One's sure foot playing Twister. He would never. Huh? He would never. He's too busy saving the goddamn world. Alright, right foot on green. No. Well, then you're going to be eliminated.

I swing my hammer at them. That's right, Hard One has a hammer now. That's really cool. He found it on like a Home Depot or how does that work? Found it at Home Depot. He bought it on eBay or some shit. It was gifted to him. Was it like a little dinky 99 cent hammer?

Of the three great dwarven houses. What's that? Plus by Morden. Yeah, I can imagine him with like a little dinky hammer being like, ah, ah, ah, it's a king's hammer. When he swings it, does he go like, ee. He's the first human to ever wield it. What's that?

Guarded by spirit guardians. Okay. I don't know. I was just fucking around. I was just playing around like you do. You're playing around with your friends. That's fine. Okay.

We're playing around. We're playing around. Just don't talk about Hard One. Okay. Don't just keep his name at your damn mouth. We're having fun. I'm having fun. I think it's fun when you don't talk shit about Hard One.

Hard One just is made up little goofy guy that you don't know about. Six foot six. Is that small to you? Well, I see you painting his little thing, right? Isn't that his hot towel? Yeah, that one does. He's like getting his little plastic. He's that little dildo, right?

That's all right. Don't you sit on that little dildo and you say like, look at me now. I'm the hard one or something? No. What? I don't do that a lot. You don't sit on the figure? I don't sit on the figure.

How would I sit on the figure? I don't know. It looks like a butt plug. I'm sorry. Is it it? Hard One's a little butt plug, right? No. No, it's not.

Anyway. Yeah. What are you saying? TDR is nerdy or something? The trampoline thing could be fun. I'm down to go to Sky Park with him. It's interesting because I feel like on its own, it's like this guy invited me to trampoline thing.

Is that too lame? I'd be like, no, that could be interesting. It's at least different. Dates are always just the same. Get a drink, get a coffee. So this is different. Yeah, you're jumping around, bouncing around. I feel like you get out of your comfort zone.

I also heard that things that are exhilarating like this, they get those juices flowing in your body, like make you form a more meaningful connection to the person that you're with. There you go. It triggers that sense of euphoria. Yeah. It's good for a date.

But then when I hear that it's part of this guy's overall vibe of driving really far away for a DDR thing and a trampoline thing, I just don't know. It's funny. The lady with two ex-husbands and four kids and one on the way, you're like, yeah, go for it. It's like, this guy's a mechanical engineer, super sweet guy. What does DDR?

You're like, I don't know. That's a tough one. It's a hard pill to swallow. It's a lot to get yourself into. That's all. I think any passion, despite how quote-unquote nerdy it is, I don't know, I think that's good. The worst part is if someone who doesn't do anything.

I feel like shit. Then you're bored and it's like, who is this guy? He doesn't do anything. At least DDR is something. Give me something. What if your passions are so... It's one thing to be like, oh, you're passionate about that. That's cool.

But if I think your passion isn't... If I'm not indifferent, if I think it's dumb, that's hard. Yeah, but it also depends, one, what the passion is. This is like an active... It's objectively difficult to be great at DDR. So why don't you see him do it and then you might be impressed? Well, I mean, I'm placed pretty well, but I'm not like a killer. He could be good enough at DDR that she would go to one of these meetups

and be like, I actually think you're hot. Not hot, but you'd be impressed. You'd have to be... Yeah, it feels like you could... It's impressive. He could be good enough. He could be so good that it's unimpressive, that it's a problem. It's like a bell curve.

If you're pretty good at DDR, that's really impressive. And if you're the best in the world, then that's depressive. But it's like doing a Rubik's Cube really fast. Would you be impressed or would you be like, this is lame? Same thing. DDR is even more active because you're dancing around. Maybe he's good at actual dancing. You just got to follow the arrows.

Well, that's not actual dancing, that's DDR. It's a revolution. You wouldn't get it. I sure wouldn't. I say go for it. This guy sounds a lot better than the fuck boys on Tinder. Plus he's a mechanical engineer, so he's a smart dude. Yeah, I'll say go for it, but then also continue going for it

in other avenues on Tinder. I think that just because this guy beats all of the other shitheads doesn't mean that he's the one yet. It just means you're getting closer. That's true. It's not just fuck boys or him. You can dabble. See what else is out there.

Plenty of fish in the sea. All right. Thanks so much. That's our episode. If you have your own questions, it's IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. If you have your own theme songs, same email. We're always in need of theme songs. The opening one was the fat lip cover.

This closing one was written by someone named Tommy Badger. Thanks, Tommy Badger. Thank you. Thanks to the... Who wrote the fat lip one? Fat lip. Oh. This was Theywild.

Of course. How could we forget? Theywild. Thanks to Theywild. Thanks to Tommy Badger. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week as always. Ciao.

Woo. Bye. Bye. Help me.