If I Were You - 372: Blanket Poop (w/Nicole Byer!)

Episode Date: March 4, 2019

Comedian and fellow HeadGum podcaster Nicole Byer joins us to discuss dating, flying, and dressing yourself.And for more bonus episodes of If I Were You check out our Patreon page: www.patreon.com/JASee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. That's one of my favorite theme songs in a long time. That was short and sweet. It was very well produced. It bumped a little bit. Did it slap or bump? It bumped, actually. Did it slap or bump?

It was very funny. I was clapping on the 2s and the 4s. This is our new show. We just say something slapped or bumped. This is slap or bump, and that's the end of the episode. Thanks, everybody. I think it was actually a bop. Yeah, maybe it did bop.

Bop it, bump it, slap it. That was written by Dan Fork, who is a 3D artist, a rapper, and a producer. That's why he was able to do all of that. Look at this art on his Instagram. Instagram.com. That's 3D art. Self-worth?

Is that what it says on that one? That's cool. It'd be cool to get the tattoo self-worth on your two hands. This one is self, and then this one would be worth, but you'd have to scramble it. You need four letter words. Be pretty stupid. W-O-R-N-N-T-H for the last one.

You don't have enough knuckles. I'm so upset I had to do that. We edited out the 15 minutes when Nicole moved her mic. Count it to four. That was very sad for me. That was a cover of Mia Khalifa by I Love Friday. I guess the song is called Mia Khalifa. Oh, I see.

Was Mia Khalifa a porn star? She's a porn star. She might be retired and she might just be a regular socialite type celebrity person now. How does that work if you retire from porn? What is her name, Mia Khalifa? Any relation to Wiz? I wonder.

I don't think so. A different Khalifa entirely. Nicole, are you looking her up? Of course I am. Wikipedia, where do you go? Celebrity Net Worth, her Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. I'm going to google.com. I love www.google.com.

I do not. She is a former porn actress. Former. I do not believe she's of the Khalifas, the Wiz. Of the Khalifa family. She doesn't seem to be a black. I believe she is an Indian porn star. She's very pretty.

Wow, what a body. She's got eyebrows for days. She does, this is for me. Save that link. That's true too. And little arms. The littler the better. Nothing's hotter than an alligator with big titties.

Small arms, big boobs. Very, very tiny arms. That actually brings us into the point of the show. It's an advice podcast. Nicole, you've done it before, so you get it. The Khalifa ReU is the only advice podcast on the internet that Jake and I host. Every other show might be an advice show, but we don't host it. This is the only one that we host.

Sometimes it's just us, sometimes we have friends in the studio. Thanks for coming back. Thanks for having me back. The first time you did our show, you didn't have a headgump podcast. I don't think I did. And now you have the headgump podcast. No, I think this is the headgump podcast. No, you took us over.

The podcast sucks compared to yours. Stop, stop, stop. Honestly, point to someone out there and we will fire them today. Really? Point to anybody. Turn around and point. She's pointing directly at Amir. Yeah. Get out of here, Amir.

But yeah. Thank you guys for letting me have a podcast on your network. It was easy breezy. I came in, I said, I'd like to do a podcast about why people won't date me. I can't remember which one of you was like, but what if you get a boyfriend? I was like, oh, you have a lot of faith. He's always asking practical questions.

Yeah, I'm such an optimist. Look at me, a year and a half later and I'm still single. Is it a year and a half? I thought it was under a year. I started in December. December made it a year. Also a year and two months. A year and two months.

I did walk in today and said, I wish I were a dog. All they need is their owners and they love them. And Marissa just went, oh no. We should also say that you won a Canadian podcast award today. I did, which is very cool. Yeah. Who knew there was podcasting awards?

It's funny because it's like best foreign podcast, which meant podcast outside of Canada, which is pretty much all the podcasts. Yes, yes, yes. That's really funny. Marissa, yours and our producer, Canadian. She's a very, very nice Canadian. She's a proud Canadian.

She was very excited about these awards. You don't even have to say nice Canadian. You're redundant. Yeah, people know. You guys were talking about shit on blankets, and I didn't want to interrupt. I found shit in my sealed blanket on Delta Airlines. So now I'm just thinking about

like how literally two days ago I was in a Delta plane with the blanket over my face. Don't do it. Yeah, that was like how I was sleeping. No, no, no, no, no. Wait, you're saying they don't wander? I was not, but I was in Delta comfort.

Okay, extra leg room. Little bit. You're a little tiny, a little bit. Throw the little hidden chips. You're saying they don't wander? Did you like shook out the blanket and a turd fell out? No, I opened the sealed blanket, and I opened the blanket

and Brown Crust was holding it together. Crust. And then I was like, what is going on? But I opened it more because I was chilly. And then like little brown crumbles were falling out, and then I dropped in, then I opened it with my feet, and I was like, that's a literal piece of shit. What did you do?

You were on the descent, so I couldn't do anything. Just take it straight to the pilot when you land. Truly, I was like, excuse me, we landed. There's poop. No, I went to the flight attendant, and I was like, do you have hand sanitizer? Because I think there's poop in my blanket. And the flight attendant goes, no.

And I said, yes. And then he went and he looked and he screamed, oh my God, that's a piece of shit. Let me get my phone. Wait, why phone? He wanted to take a picture. Like for fun? They've got a document that stuff.

And I tweeted it at Delta. Oh, hell yeah. And they offered me $350, and I was like, absolutely not. There was shit in my blanket. $350. And then they offered like $600, and I was like, guys,

there was like shit in my blanket. So then it went up like the chicken's hand, and they were all laughing at me. What a weird negotiation. They're like, $600 for shit? What's the price for shit? Well, it ended up being 50,000 miles, my ticket refunded

and $600 Delta dollars. That's pretty good. But only two first-class flights, I did the math. I was like, at least four. Like two first-class flights back and forth. I think I would have asked for like, I don't know what your status is,

but I would have asked for diamond. I asked them to match my miles, and they were like, how many miles do you have currently? And I said 500,000, and they said no. Damn. You got 500,000? Yeah, now I think I have 800,000.

I am absolutely floored. I fly so much. And always on Delta? Yeah, they have televisions on every flight. I flew American from Pittsburgh to LA, no TV. What did they want me to do? Stare at my fucking fingers?

TV plus shit blanket equals better than no TV. Well, I just don't use the blanket. Also, nobody should. Because they don't wash them. No airline washes them, I don't think. And I found a bunch of articles that corroborated what the person

who worked at Delta told me. They said that someone eyeballs them. If there's no holes, there's no stains. They just get folded back up, and they put it right back on the plane. The little thing on the pillow is the little hygiene thing. Never gets changed.

This would have been good for unsolicited advice, actually. Don't use the blankets. I've been stealing the little airline pillows and using them at home. They're just so fluffy. I like a nice little soft, small pillow. If you put three to six in a stack, it feels like a full pillow.

You don't have a comforter. You just have 14 Delta blankets. And one little pillow. Yeah, they're actually stitched together with human shit. Honestly, I'm sure there's a man out there who doesn't have anything on his bed but an airline pillow and blanket.

There's also somebody out there listening who's like, I think I shit into a Delta blanket. I want to keep talking about it, and hopefully whoever did it is like, it was me. My theory is that it was a freaked out dad or mom and the kid shit. And they just put it in the blanket

and threw it away. Yeah, I mean, it could be that. It could be an animal where they freaked out and they're like, I don't want to get charged. Dog poop could be a thing. But Delta thinks it was a disgruntled employee. Is that true? That's pretty cool.

I'm such a Delta fan. I love Delta. What was your communication like? Was it on the phone? Was it in person meeting? It was done over Twitter. After other people retweeted it and they're like, this is bad.

This is a bad look. You take this off Twitter. So then we were DMing. And then they would not give me a number to call. They would call me. So I would have to tell them when I was available and then they would have someone call me. It was very strange.

And then I talked to maybe three representatives until I was talking to the executive something or other. I don't know. It was this very nice man who told me what he was going to give me. And he was kind of giggly.

Everyone was kind of giggly about it. Because it is poop. Because it's poop and it's so wild. At one point someone was like, you are a comedian. Isn't it fun that you have new material? I would have never been shitted on. I would rather not be able to fill an hour

than have been shitted on. 50,000 miles. That would be a quantity of miles for a poop blanket. Everybody has a different threshold. Maybe some people would be like, 10,000 is fine. Their first offer was 250 bucks.

It was 350 delta dollars. You can't even go round trip to New York for that. You can't do anything. Also they give it to you on an American Express gift card. So you have to use it where they accept gift cards. So if you want to go to Phoenix sometime. I got that. Let's try to answer some questions.

We found some of ladies who are dating that I feel like you could shed some wisdom on that Jake and I maybe can't. Okay. Are you both in relationships? So why would I be shedding the wisdom? Because it's a lady struggling to date and I don't know what's normal for a lady's dating.

So this is where you would come in. Do you have a fake name to call this lady? Because we still want to preserve her anonymity. It could be anything. Let's call her frittata. I like that. Nelly or like eggs? Eggs, definitely eggs. Eggs frittata, right?

Nelly is for Tato. Very good, very good. I stand corrected. I met a guy on Bumble not too long ago, writes eggs. And we decided to meet up for a coffee date. He was sweet and we got along great. I was pretty jazzed afterwards and couldn't wait to meet up again.

We planned another date this time at a bowling alley. But this guy showed up half an hour late. He was very apologetic but I was tired and pretty pissed. I wanted to make the best of things but the night was basically ruined. He texted me the next day saying I know we might not have a big connection

but I do like you and I hope we can hang out again. Terrible, right? He then proceeded to invite me to his house for a movie night. I hesitated but ultimately agreed fully knowing what I'd get myself into. Three hours into the movie sesh he lunges at me.

He made sure to get my consent and then had my clothes off because I soon was on the receiving end of some jackhammer-like thrust. And a minute later it was over. No, I would never judge a guy for not lasting long. But I do have a problem with men who think

that sex ends when they finish. Aside from the briefest of four plays this man made no effort to make sure I enjoyed the experience. He even said, glad we could make that happen. That's a way to wrap up the act. We're in our late 20's so I feel like he should know better.

Let's talk to him about how I'm feeling and give him another chance. What do you think? Love for Tata. Okay, for Tata. Does this ring true? Is this normal or an anomaly? Yes, it's normal.

I think a lot of men think sex ends when they come and it doesn't end when they come. I'm personally floored at the moment. Who else is there in sex? There's another person there. When you're not masturbating, that one. Yes, but it's duosex.

There's two people. A two for one. Singular sex is uno of your sex. When you're masturbating, that does end when you come. That's just all about you. It ends when your neighbor comes. Whoa, the peeping Tom. When your neighbor's outside the window

being like, oh boy, I'm about to come. Don't stop till they come. Don't stop till they get enough. I do not think for Tata should give this person a second chance. I do think for Tata should keep this experience in their mind.

The next time they're having sex with somebody if they decide sex is done when they come, for Tata can then say, no, no, you can do X, Y, and Z to get me off. I'm glad you came, but I still need to because it's not

just you, it's both of us. This is a learning experience. 30 minutes late to a date. I'm perpetually late for everything. It annoys almost everybody in my life. It's very hard for me to get places on time and it's not like a disrespect thing.

I have ADD and it's just really hard for me to get anything together. So I would give him a pass on that. 30 minutes late, fine. Jackhammer fucking. Jackhammer fucking, that's no point now. I was on a bit of a pendulum

during this question because the half an hour late, I was like, what the hell, what are you talking about? And he came apologizing. And then the second time he came, he did not apologize. And then very nice. So he, yeah. I really found that it was nice.

Yeah. So the other the date, the late date excusable, Jack hammering less excusable. I think when you're having sex for like the first time with a guy, I feel like

coming too quick and not knowing like what you're doing is more, it's just like more prevalent. So like if you have, if you like sleep with somebody, what about just like waiting a little bit and then fucking again later. Yes.

That is always very nice. Yes. A little intermission. And then you get a go to get it. Honestly, that's usually what happens the first time I have sex with people. It's like, we're like, oh, we're very both excited. Oh, no. It's happening. And then you just kind

of lay there for a little bit and you're like, oh boy, that was quick. And then you're like, can we try it again? Sure. Yeah. That's been my experience with sex as well. Except when, when it's quick, I sort of lay there and I pretend like it wasn't a huge

mistake. Like, I'm glad we both did that on purpose. Yeah. We were ravishing each other. That got away from both of us, if you ask me. Yeah. Then you reset and you're like, okay, now. And also I think people don't,

I think the first time is awkward. Like seeing someone naked for the first time is like weird. It's a very vulnerable place. But I think we need to teach people that like talking during sex and asking for what you want is okay. Yes. And there's a hot way to do it too. You don't have to

be like, now you pleasure me. No, no. Yeah. You could like, yeah, just be sexy about it. Right. Like a, like a breathy slower. Yeah. Hey, put your lips on my clip. Yeah. Actually, if anybody wants, we can get that clean

and then you can play it for them. Yeah, just play that. You should make an app. Put your lips on my clip. That's good. And that Jake said that. You need a Nicole sound board, an app that for ladies. Honestly, we could probably make that happen. Really? I feel like Marissa knows how to do a

sound board. Absolutely. I would kill for that. And it could be an app. Did you have it in the app store? Yeah. Oh, my God. Would a dream come true that would actually be? What would the name of the app be? Uh, Nicole, Nicole wants

you to come. I do. I want everyone to come all the time. It is weird how good it feels for something. It feels great. Yeah, it looks like pissing, basically. Why does it feel so much better? That's such a noble mission. To get everybody to come? Yeah.

I just want to make the world come. Well, I think everyone would be just a little less tense. If they came at least once a day. A day? Yeah. Oh, I try to come at least once a day. Wow. So it's almost like exercise. No.

That was a four hour pause. It's nothing like exercise. Exercise once a day. It's like a nice daily habit. It's a go to the gym. It's ejaculating. Yeah, I think, I don't know, start your day or end your day that way. That's good.

I like to start and end the day that way. You need to learn about your body. If you don't know about your body, how can you teach someone else about your body? Yeah, I bet there's actual studies and anatomical results of what happens when you don't get that release for weeks, months,

years. I mean, it releases endorphins. Right. It makes you happy. It is like exercise. Now I see where you are going with it. And I do end up in a puddle of sweat in a gym locker most of the times. But it's sort of like the opposite of exercise because a lot of the time I

dread exercise, but then I do it and I'm happy and I'm glad I did it. And with masturbation, I anticipate it and I dream of it and then I do it and I'm ashamed of what happens. Really ashamed? I'm not ashamed, but I am like, you're disgusting.

I am ashamed. I'm not ashamed. I'm just disgusted with myself. No, it's good. You did something good for yourself. I don't think it's shameful. I don't really think it's shameful, but the second I've come and I'm just staring at a tiny little computer screen

like a woman's asshole, I'm like, what's wrong with you? Nothing. You're a sexual being in this world. But also for Tata, this man said that he didn't feel like they had a connection. That would be my main reason

for not giving him another chance. He literally told you what's up. That's true. The bowling thing is fine. We don't have a connection, but I want to fuck you. That's the shittiest part. How transparent is the do you want to come over and watch a movie thing? Have you been there before?

It's very transparent. Are you even watching the movie? No. I was like, do you want to come over and watch a movie? I'm like, let's just fuck. I don't need the appetizer of watching a shitty movie. Movies are too long. I would be like, let's

do a show. Let's do a YouTube clip. Let's watch an episode of billions and then I'll blow you. Let's watch a vine and then I'll fuck you. A vine, six seconds. I don't even want to let it loop. Let's find a vine.

I want to watch a dunk contest and get a blowjob instead. I don't know why we veil things. Just ask for what you want. There is this sense of he asked for my consent and then went forward. It seems like the new version of fake

wokeness is like, I asked for the consent and now I can go back to what I was doing before this whole thing was a missed issue. I would love to know what words he used. Were they making out until he reached back and was like, do I have your consent? Did I have your consent? I'm about to blow my top.

How interesting. I feel like if you're making out and you're like, can I do more? And they're like, yeah. Is that getting consent? I don't know. I guess consent is sexy, but I would love to know the way he phrased it. I don't think it was

probably sexy. I feel like there's consent to have sex but not necessarily consent to be terrible at it. Yes, correct. Yes, you have my permission to proceed but let's make it good because you can consent at any time.

I already said yes and now he's jack hammering. It's not like a waiver. This is bad for me. Consent rescinded. Consent withdrawn. I didn't realize you were terrible. I changed my answer then.

So for this lady for this specific guy, you don't have to give him a third chance or a second chance. It would be a fourth chance at this point, wouldn't it? What do you think of coffee dates, by the way? She says coffee date. Is that a waste of time for you? A day date? Is that ever going to be good?

I don't think so. I'm of the school of we see each other at night until we're okay to see each other during the day. Day time is scary. It's very sobering. When I was on dating apps, if somebody wanted to hang out with me during the day, I would never

ever see them. You're a vampire. I just knew that fundamentally there was a difference in what we were looking for. You want to get a latte? That means you're ready to date. I want to meet up at 4am with

my friends and your friends. And then see how that goes. And then you're like, alright, I like spending time with you in a group setting. We'll move to night times alone. And then I'm good with that. I'm good with you in the morning. But even still, I don't know.

You have to meet drunk and then you can graduate to meeting to get drunk. And then you end up with coffee. 25 sober minutes. Start with stripped teas. End up at herbal teas. You're at a Starbucks or a T-Vonna.

You're getting a latte. Very funny. Was it? Because nobody laughed. I feel like we appreciated it. Yes, I think that's what it was. It was interesting. It was like respect.

You went like this. Well, yeah. I mean, it was just because you have it. I see it written on your computer. This question is fake. I wrote it to set me up for that. The strip teas to herbal teas. No, just joking.

It's a real email, as always. Alright, let's take a break. How many emails do you get? Oh, thousands. 13,000. That's right. Alright, let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors.

We'll be back with more questions and answers with Nicole. Woo. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. That's correct.

The Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but for any not-so-tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. We got one for Jill's grandma. We got one for my parents.

So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet

moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, uh, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way.

By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Jill's grandma is 90 pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with the digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly

frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah.

Exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A

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Aura Frames. A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parent something. Alright. And use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura. And now back to the head gum podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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entirely online but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's BetterHelp H-E-L-P.com if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Nicole,

do you have any... Oh, it's a leather device! Mom, I'm coming! Gross. That was Jake that said, Mom, I'm coming. Was that made by a fan? Who made that? That was made by an enemy. Oh, okay.

I mean, that enemy did a very good job. Yeah, it's Lars who we actually met at a show in Amsterdam. Yes, we did. But that one we keep, we like it so much. How's Amsterdam? It's awesome. I've never been. Yeah, you should head there. It's very, very fun. Fly Delta. Do head gum shows there?

Ooh, that's a good idea. Head gum shows? Head gum Euro. Because I want to do my live podcast more. It's fun. We are going to do a head gum show. We'll talk to you about it today. We haven't announced it yet. Oh, boy. It's happening. It's coming. That's a good tease.

Let's hit the road, dude. Do you want to go to Europe? Let's go to London. Let's go to English-speaking countries. Fuck head gum. It's just us three. Hand in the road. Well, not now, but we will be. The Dynamic Trio. Oh, yeah. And then I could try out my Irish accent.

Irish accent. That's really good. Better than ours. Truly, this is exactly what we did in Dublin. They ate it up. They ate it up. Okay, here's my unsolicited. Wait, is it unsolicited advice?

Unsolicited advice. Okay, wear whatever the fuck you want to wear. I was talking about this with a friend. I don't know at what point people decide to look like other people. Where they're like, you know how little kids

will wear a Batman costume, a raincoat and cowboy boots and a fucking dumpster on their head? And they're like, I won't leave the house unless I dress like this. And then at some point you're like, well, I can't stand out and I can't look weird and I can't wear what I want to wear.

I have to wear what a Kardashian is wearing or what a celebrity is wearing. I have to look like everybody else. I want to fit in. Why do we have to fit in? Why do we teach people that it's good to fit in? Would you have joined Head Gum if I was just at my desk in a Batman costume

and a dumpster on my head? I'd be like, hi, I run the place. Honestly? Probably. Alright, there you go. This dude loves himself and he knows who he is. The proof is in the pudding. You start to just mimic the people that you hang out with.

Amir and me and Marty wear the exact same thing most of the time. Yep, you are both wearing shades of gray on top and jeans on the bottom. It's like when females live together they get the same. They sync up with their bloods. So when guys do it, they sync up with their style.

But you two are dressed well. It's nice that your clothes fit. I feel like some men, they don't know how to make their clothing fit. You're talking about too loose or too tight? Too loose. Too loose. I never need to see cargo shorts. But unless you want to wear cargo shorts

because you're doing some like Jurassic Park cosplay, go right ahead. Gabor style. Costumes are cool. I love that Gabor's wears very tight tank tops. It brings me joy. And he wears like bright colorful things. The way he dresses brings me joy.

The fanny packs. Aw man, it's great. I wish more people dressed to bring themselves joy. You know, I started, since I've been in New York, I started taking more fashion risks actually. That was something that I... You'll notice he's wearing a light shade of gray.

It usually doesn't go that light. Now that I'm in LA, I'm back to my old ways. But I got a long coat in there. See, nice. That's nice. What color is it? Well, it's gray. It's black. I also wish boys wore more colors. Like you, I feel like you rarely see

men in like purples or pinks. Traditionally, female colors or whatever. I shy away from bright colors. Why? I don't know. I have a neutral palette. Okay. It's not like I love colors, but I'm like, no Jake, you must wear gray and blues.

You have to blend in with the crowd. On a cloudy day. Just wear what you like. That's what I think. You little fatty wear a crop top. And if somebody looks at you, that means you affected them. You're hypnotizing me.

Your body is powerful. When you're dressing, do you have like, do you have a style wardrobe or you like, it's going to change every single day? It changes every single day because on one day I could look like a fun grandma and like a sequined

sweater with like leopard print boots or today I look like a little boy and we're back to the future hoodie and flame bands. You look cool today. Thank you. Let's go. I just skateboarded right in, dude.

My mom let me come over and I'm real happy about it. Crumpled up a chocolate milk and tossed it over your shoulder. You who? Yeah, I just, my casual look is very like little boy and then like my glam look is very

I like, I love vintage stuff. I wear a lot of vintage and old shit because I feel like it has a fun little story. It's like a style role model icon, someone that you're like, oh, this is my style goal or you borrow from a bunch of people. I kind of like to look like

if I time travel to the 90s or the 80s people will be like, there's something off but she fits, right? Overall, fine. That's the glasses look. It's like the glasses I wore in 3rd grade are now like, in again. The glasses I'm wearing are like, have you ever seen Matilda? Yes.

The little black girl Matilda wears glasses like these and that's why I got them. There you go. Everything's got a story. Matilda Swinton. Matilda Swinton. That's your style. Kind of. Matilda Swinton always looks insane and I love it. That's cool. I just love like

I was doing shows in Seattle which is notoriously rainy and I feel like people kind of dress to the rain but I was wearing leopard print leggings, a shirt with like rainbow hearts on it and then I had a leopard print rain coat. Wow. And I look

wild but like I looked to the mirror and I was like this is what I want to look like and everyone stared at me on the street and I was like, you know what I think I'm bringing people joy. Yeah. They're definitely smiling. You should be able to like look in the mirror before you leave and just be like, fuck yeah.

Like this is what I want to wear. Yep. That's what I do. And then people, let's see, another piece of unsolicited advice. Back to back, double-header. Sometimes men will be like, don't wear so much makeup. Like, shut up. If I want to wear makeup, let me wear makeup.

So is your unsolicited advice not to tell people not to wear too much makeup or to allow anybody to wear as much makeup as you want? Wear whatever you want on your face. If you don't like makeup, don't feel pressured to wear it. Yeah. If you love being caked down, don't don't let people pressure you into wearing less.

Do you like being caked down? It makes me claustrophobic. Love it. I love wear it. Like today's a very simple look because I hurt my back pole dancing and I was in bed with icy hot and I was running late. Well, thank you for coming. Despite the injury.

Thank you. Thank you. It's a trying time for me. But I just put on like a little foundation but like on a good day, it usually takes me about 45 minutes to do my makeup and I contour myself into a different style. Wow. Wow. And I love it. It's therapeutic. It feels good. I love a brush on my face.

I love when I put my lashes on and they're huge. I can see them. Does it take a long time to take it off? Do you like taking it off? No. So it'll take me like a good beat. It takes me 40 45 minutes, maybe an hour if something special. Hello. And it takes me 10 minutes to take it off. Got it. I started using

a jade roller. What do you know about jade rollers? I like them but I have very oily skin. So it's kind of annoying. I have to like remember to like wash it between every use. What's the point of a jade roller? This is the rock on a stick. You just roll it on your face and it feels

nice. It feels so especially when I use it if I'm like a tiny bit hungover. Oh my god. Well your skin looks great. Well, thank you. It must be the jade roller. It's got to be. I do some ads for jade rollers. Let's get it on there. Marissa, two ads for jade

roller and an app. Okay. That's my Canadian accent. It's also your Jamaican. In my Irish. Okay. One accent fits all. All right. Here's another question from another lady that you can help us

out with. What shall we call this one? Okay. There's another lady. Let's call her Rudy Huckstable. I like that. Rudy. What was her real name, Rudy Huckstable? That's Raven Simone, wasn't it? No. That's Olivia. Yeah, yeah.

Rudy was Tempest Blood. Blood so? No, that was Vanessa. Oh, Rudy's the one who I forget already. Oh, no. Let's call her Laura Winslet. And I want to ask you her real name. Because I truly don't know. Laura Winslet. Do you know Laura Winslet's real name?

Sadie Oh, no. Sadie Hawkins. No, let's call her Staphon Urkel. I like that. Do you remember the end of Family Matters? No. Steve Urkel goes to the moon. Really? That's how it ends?

It's like one of the last episodes and there's like a newscast where they're like the nerd is on the moon and it's like, wait, what? That's, that really, that's truly insane. It truly, it's wild. It, television 20 years ago, you

couldn't do it now. You absolutely could do anything. Keshia Night Pulliam is Rudy Huckstable. Keshia. Keshia? It says S-H-I-A. It's Keshia, Keshia Night Pulliam. Keshia Night

Pulliam in. But the S is a dollar sign through it. So you're on Keshia's Wikipedia. Yes, I'm sorry. Wrong. Keshia. Alright, Rudy writes? Rudy Huckstable? Sometimes I post nude photos of my body on the internet. Sure. That's fine and not the issue

here. I never include my face or identifying features. I just enjoy the momentary attention and resulting flood of compliments. I don't respond to the majority of people, men, who send me a message but a few weeks ago, I did respond to a guy who sent me a message in response to

a picture I posted, but it wasn't creepy or sexual at all. We started chatting and I gave him my Snapchat username. Not my main account. I'm not dumb. And we continued chatting on there. We talked a lot. It was one of those connections where everything clicks, the words flow and you guys just

really get each other and enjoy talking all day. After a day or two we sent face pics and I was surprised to see that he's actually very attractive. That usually doesn't happen in these types of scenarios. Through somewhat vague descriptions of our geographical locations, we actually realized that we live very close to one another,

like very close. We were shocked. Well, it turns out he has a girlfriend. They're in a long distance relationship and he doesn't feel like he can really talk to her about the problems that he has. So he turns to other outlets like the internet. He apologized and admitted it was wrong. I told him we should stop

talking as it's not fair to his girlfriend and we ceased communications for about a week. But then I stupidly messaged him because I was stoned and I wanted to tell him something that I had happened to me earlier that day. And of course now we're talking again. I brought up how he's

I still feel like it's wrong that we're talking if we have feelings for each other and he agreed that it's shitty. I know I should stop but I don't feel bad enough too though I definitely don't feel great about the whole thing. I'm like I guess my question for you guys is, am I bad for this? I pride myself

on being open and straightforward but this feels shady. I'm chronically single and this and seem to have such bad luck when it comes to dating. Thanks. Love Rudy Huckstable. Oh boy, Rudy. Rudy, you're being rude. Nice.

Oh boy. Have you ever messed with a boy with a girl with a long distance or wife or something like that? I fucked with a dude who had a wife. Okay, so that's yeah. When I was in Canada. Got it. With Marissa, right? Yes.

It was Marissa's husband. Accepting your podcast award? Uh-huh. I was accepting my, I was like thank you for this award. Put your lips on my coat. Put your lips on my coat. We already recorded the app. We just have to make it at this point. Please make me an app.

But he told me that they had an agreement when they were out of town and they were allowed to sleep with other people. Who knows if that's true? I just took what he said at face value and I truly never saw him again. Also, he left peanuts in my pussy.

What? Why? Was this Mr. Peanut? It was Mr. Peanut. He had a monocle, right? He had a monocle and a top hat and then he shoved peanuts in me. No, he bit into his snickers before he went down on me. On purpose? I didn't, like, it didn't click that like, don't do that. Was it like

I'm being sexy. I'm going to eat chocolate and eat your pussy. We were both wasted. And he, like, went to go get condoms and came back with condoms and a snickers bar. And then we were, like, making out and he was like, hold on. He, like, bit into it and I was like, oh, I guess he's hungry. I don't know. Then he, like, went down and went the next morning.

Hungry? Why wait? Yeah. Truly, I should do the commercial for Snickers. Then the next day I was like, what are these hard things falling out of it? Oh my God. You had a new good infection. Oh boy. That sounds great though. If I went down on a girl and she had just, like,

a pussy full of snickers, I would be, like, so, so pleased. Right? We were like, oh boy, you were carrying snacks for me? Yeah. Is that a take five in there? Holy shit, there's a mounds. Imagine there was like a pussy vending machine. Literally.

A mounds pubis. What are we saying a pussy vending machine? A pussy vending machine. I like that. Anywho. Where weren't we? She, Rudy, Rudy knows she's being bad. Rudy says she doesn't feel good about this, but she likes the attention. Rudy answered her own question.

It's exciting, it's sexy, it's forbidden. Yeah, but like, think about it this way, Rudy. Would you appreciate it if it was done to you? No. Probably not. No, but is it on her? To be the more responsible one? I would say that Rudy's being Rudy and the guy's being

rude. Oh. But the guy's being rude and adjacent. It's like a tiny root. She shouldn't do this. But they stopped speaking and then she reached out to restart this. Yeah. So, that's definitely a bad look for her.

Also, I love how many accounts she has. You gotta respect that. She has multiple snaps. Where do people post nudes like that? Do you know like other apps dedicated to just nudes or it's like, cause Instagram doesn't allow for it. She likes subreddit for it. Oh, subreddit. Oh.

Reddit is a very scary place. I don't understand Reddit. All I know is a lot of people on Reddit do not like me. What who? Where? A lot of gentlemen don't like me. Where? They're like, she talks about dicks too much. If a man did that, he would be fired

from everything. And I'm like, do you never go to comedy shows? They don't probably. You should just make your own subreddit. It'll be all your fans. It's like, I love me. Yeah. Wherever you want. Don't have the time.

Rudy. I think you're only hurting yourself, Rudy, because I think Rudy thinks this man's gonna leave his girlfriend for her. Yeah. And I don't think that's gonna happen. Right. I think if he was gonna leave his girlfriend for her,

it probably would have happened already. Yeah. And I think she should just cut it out. I mean, I have a lot of trouble with that. We're going all through the TGIF. Michelle Tanner style. No, sorry. That's wait, what's his name? Uncle Joey.

Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Stephanie is how rude. No, Michelle is how rude. No, Stephanie's how rude. Stephanie is how rude. Yeah. And then Uncle Joey's cut it out. And then Uncle Jesse's like, everybody wants to fuck me. Yeah. And DJ's here. Oh, have mercy.

And Danny is like, oh, I don't like germs. We're gonna clean the house. Yeah. And then DJ is boring. Yeah. But Steve is like, oh, you got any food? Steve? Oh. Hey, Mr. T. And then Scott Weiner. What is that girl, the neighbor who's always coming over?

Kimmy. I don't have neighbors who always come over. Yeah. That's a trope in television that I don't think is real. Yeah. Middle America maybe. Oh, maybe. Every single Steve Urkel was a neighbor. Wilson from Home Improvement.

Cramer. Cramer. Yeah. Cramer. Just like neighbors coming over. Cramer. I mean, why do you open the door with such fervor? Every single time. Every single time. Probably because he got an applause, you know. He's always chasing that. Oh, you thought this character on Seinfeld could hear the studio audience. They had

to be able to. Yeah, definitely. Why are they always making jokes? Definitely had to. That's why he was trying so hard. I've actually never seen an episode of Seinfeld. Really? To start to hear that. Friends. Really? Let's keep going. Or what? Name a very popular TV show for whites.

I've never seen Frasier. Frasier was definitely for whites. I've seen the pilot episode of Cheers because everyone's like, it's the best pilot. It's a good pilot. Yeah. Not interested. Oh, maybe one day. So, what were you watching growing up? Finding matters? I watched Family Matters.

I watched Living Single. I watched Moisha. I watched the Parkers. Martin? Hanging with Mr. Cooper? No, I didn't watch Martin. I loved hanging with Mr. Cooper. I loved hanging with Mr. Cooper, too. I was on a plane with Mark Currie and he kept looking at my titties.

What? That's funny. And I was like, Yeah! I was hanging with Mr. Cooper. What the heck? Sexily shook out a Delta Blanket. Yeah, and pizza shit fell out and I was like, Oops, it's mine. And then I watched

Parenthood with Robert Townsend. I feel like nobody watched that. Did you watch any shows with the White Family? California Dreaming. I'm not even saying by the bell. California Dreaming Bells. Was that the one where they had a band? Yeah, it's Surfer Band. California Dreaming.

On such a... That's not the actual theme song. No. They used to always, don't, no. Don't wake me up, don't wake me up cause I'm dreaming. California Dreaming. And then you had Sly who wasn't in the band but was always there. Yeah, he's like the manager, right? Yeah, I love Sly. I watched Hangtime getting together.

Hangtime. With Anthony Anderson. Yeah, with Anthony Anderson. Everyone was playing basketball. About a high school basketball team, but they still had to shoot it on a set. So it was like a basketball court the size of this table. It was a very small basketball court. That's what I watched. And then I watched

It Takes Two with the Olsen Twins. So like more like children's shows than like friends in Seinfeld for like white adults. Oh, I guess those are adult shows. Or are you watching in high school? Um. Um. Um. Oh god, your nose is bleeding.

I don't know. Maybe nothing. Simpsons? No, I've never seen... So you've never seen Simpsons Seinfeld or Friends? No, I've seen one episode of The Simpsons. Which one I have to know? Oh, I don't know. I know there was a clown. Monorail. Did you watch SNL?

Uh, no. It's interesting. Everything that formed who I am today you've never seen at all. So we shouldn't get along at all, yet we're still joking around having a good time. I think it's because I'm a nice person. Oh yeah. She's just been yes anding you,

but she doesn't think you're funny at all. I don't think you're funny, I don't know any of your references. You would love Seinfeld. You would love The Simpsons. Maybe I'll give it a try. I think you would like Seinfeld. You think?

Well, there's lots of like fun little dating faux pas that happen in it. That's right. That's more so than friends. Here's what I was watching, movies. I watch a lot of movies growing up. My mother would buy us just tons of movies. Got it.

Great, I saved that. I was a normal kid growing up. Wait a second. Very cool. Name one of the movies. Oh no. I was gonna ask. Oh no.

Ben Hur? He just watched Ben Hur. All right, no. Over and over and over again on loop. I was a normal kid. That one's hilarious. I watched every Kirk Douglas movie. And no Simpsons, Seinfeld, SNL, Frasier, G.

I watched. I watched the Ten Commandments I just loved all those Commandments. I don't know who Chandler is. I was like, how nice and even. I watched Back to the Future on repeat. That's good. Ghost was my favorite movie.

Hearts and Souls is one of my favorites. Listen, you're not under trial here. We're not here to test. There's a bunch of stuff we haven't. It's a lie detector test coming in now. You said you watched Ben Hur. Like, can you tell us how they break into act three on the fourth VHS tape that you had to put in?

All right, thank you so much for coming by and helping us answer some questions. Hey, it's done. We really appreciate it. Sorry if we're grilling you at the end about your pop culture knowledge. Did we help Rudy? What was her question?

Oh yeah, don't aid in the cheating of the ex-girlfriend. I think she should stop talking to him again but if he reaches out, you did your re-entry and needling, but now you woke the bear and now I'd retreat and see what happens. See if we've intrigued him. And maybe they'll break up soon

and then you can do this. Maybe. I think the fact that they're in a long-distance relationship makes it a little bit more okay because he shouldn't be in that relationship anyway. If you're in a long-distance relationship and you're like, it is okay for you to speak to other women because I'm not there,

but then it's like he's almost starting another long-distance relationship with this other person. But they're closer. They are closer. Yeah, but if it's not in person, then you're doing the same thing I feel like. I don't know. I just need him to be open with his partner

about what he's doing. Here's what I would say. Now this guy has the information that he needs to either be a good boyfriend to his long-distance girlfriend or break up and try to start something new with you. And that's where we should leave it. So take a beat, let him decide.

Yeah, take a beat. Yeah, that's cool. You've put yourself out there. You've shown him your naked pictures, flirted with him, told him you live nearby, and that you like him. I wonder what his naked pictures are. I wonder if she's got big old titties and small arms.

Well, I'm asking right now, she has small arms. I see you've forwarded that to your personal email. Did she include a naked picture? No, she did not. Bummer. Yeah, you think she's- I'm the opposite, I got little titties and big arms. Where do you post your nudes?

It can't be Instagram. On Instagram, and I just put little stickers over my titties. Oh, you're not afraid of the nude photos online like that? No, bodies are bodies. If someone sees my naked body, then I guess you gotta treat. And then how do those pictures perform versus a picture of you on the stage?

Oh, they perform very well, because people are like, wow, how brave. I can't believe you look at that in the mirror and have someone take a picture of it, and then post it. That really must be it. Nobody comments on people with like ripped bodies and huge tits, they're like,

oh, this is so brave of you to post. No, not at all. They call those people sluts, and then somebody like you is just brave. And then fatties are brave. I do like that you post every picture in hashtag so brave. So brave. Because it made me laugh so hard

every time I would see them. Oh my God, I wish I had your confidence. And look at the mirror and like what you see. Witness my courage. I don't know. That's a good segue into your podcast, Why Won't You Date Me? That's my podcast.

So tell what's the quick picture on your podcast. My podcast is called Why Won't You Date Me? The beginning episodes, I would interview people I'd hooked up with and the later episodes, since people stopped agreeing to do it. Of course. Some people just not into talking about their personal lives.

Weird. I interview comedians and friends and drag queens and just lots and lots of people about their dating lives. I talk about my dating life. It's a good time. People love it. It's one of the most beloved podcasts on headcumbs. So really?

Yeah. It's a hit. It's nice. It's a gosh turn to hit. When people come to my shows, they're like, hey, let's do your podcast and it's very nice. Yeah. A lady named Nicole and Irvine last week,

just said, out of nowhere, why won't you date me? And I was like, thank you. Yes, that's the name of my podcast. Do you have anything else to say? She was asking you out. Maybe. Maybe.

People love to just scream it at me. Have you ever met up with a fan of the podcast? Through the podcast? No. I listen to the show. I love it. I'd love to take you out. Almost fucked a dude at my show.

During the show. Because he had a very strange giggle and I was like, I like your giggle. And he's like, I'm single. And I was like, my, this is okay. Let's do it. I'm all right. I slid into my DMs, but I was already sleeping

because I was tired because I had float in that day. So getting older is really fucking with my mojo. Yeah, you get laid a lot less. But that's it. That's the podcast. It's also pretty sexually explicit allegedly. It's very honest, very open. I don't know.

That's what people say. They're like, it's raunchy. I'm like, is it? It's just you. Yeah. I don't think I'm raunchy. But like just listening to the sound board come with Nicole in the after now.

Decide for yourself. The opening theme song is written by Dan Fork. This closing one is written by Rue from Dublin. It's a Fleetwood back landslide parody. We're coming to Dublin. Yeah, with Nicole, I guess. We're gonna figure out. We're hopping on delta.com right now.

We're going to London. Be sure you see it. Amsterdam, Seattle, Delaware. Be sure you see us in Croatia. Ooh, I'd love to go to Dubrovnik. We'll be everywhere soon enough. On an infinite timeline, we'll be everywhere and you guys can check us out then.

Thanks so much for listening. Thanks for coming on our show again. We're about to record your show now. So don't go anywhere. And if you're listening at home, we'll be back next week. Thanks, everybody. Scrolling on Tinder last night.

I found a hotting soy sweater right. Oh my God, it's a match. I can't believe it's true. I have to tell if I were you. Oh, Jake and Amir, what does this mean? I need your help to seize the cheese. Should I send her a message asking, are you gay for some late night hand stuff

and some morning shame? I don't know. I don't want to seem like a whore. Because I've been so damn single and my balls are so damn blue. So tell me truly, am I being unruly if I were you? If I were you.

If I were you. If I were you. Tell me what to do.