If I Were You - 380: The Psychopath

Episode Date: April 29, 2019

In this episode we discuss overthinking pillow talk, underthinking bootie calls, and Jake's newest award.Come see us live in Chicago on June 15 as part of HeadGum Live!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Do you know who that is? Justin. Justin Goncalves. That's right. This guy, we must have used like 15 of his theme songs at this point. And never fully learned how to pronounce his name because we met him and he told us that we'd been pronouncing it wrong and now I can't remember if he was like, it's pronounced

Goncalves or if he was like, it's pronounced Goncalves. Yeah. We never quite realized or learned how to spell his name or say it correctly. We learned but forgot it in an evening because after the shows, after the show, it's the after party. And after the party, it's the hotel lobby and I'm often waking up in a drunken stupor. What does it mean that after the party is the hotel lobby? Like people are just waiting for the elevators to get back to the room or are they like partying

in the lobby? I feel like it must be partying in the lobby because otherwise it's a pretty anticlimactic like, it's not an escalation because after the show, it's the after party. That's really fun. I know it like the show's good but we're going to really go ham at the after party. After the party, it's everyone turns in because we're all pretty tuckered out. Yeah. After the party, it's a hotel lobby but the hotel is a best garden in express.

So there's like a microwave there and you can buy popcorn from the front desk for a dollar. So there's no room service but there's something to snack on if you're feeding. They have cup of noodles that you can put cold water in and then they have this microwave you can rent for 75 cents. That's not bad. Yeah. And after the hotel lobby, we're going to go to the business center.

Why? If anybody has to print anything, there's a fax machine. We have another tour date the next day so everybody be sure to print your Amtrak tickets in the business center because we have an early call time and you might not remember to do it tomorrow. Remember, 7 AM call. And Amtrak is real finicky with the online iPhone boardings. So make sure that you print your passes.

That's why we're all going to the business center. Yeah. Breakfast is at six and we have a hard out at seven. So if you don't want breakfast, if you want to just show up having hands on the day. It's just, yeah, it's continental. Yeah. They have muffins. If you want to grab and go.

Muffins from Costco and then they have this like. A cup of noodles. Yeah. They have milk in a carafe that's not cold and a box of Cheerios. One box per customer, please. And after that, it's the next show and then it's the after party. We do it all again, everybody. It's the hotel lobby.

We're back in it. And this is the tour with, oh shit, is it R. Kelly? Yeah. All right. Well, it's probably, that's probably not so boring, it's illegal. It could be legal and boring. If it's, if you're breaking the law, it's exciting a little bit. Right.

But R. Kelly is a bad guy. Of course. It's true. But nobody would ever call him boring. You're calling him exciting. I'm saying it's fucking thrilling. It's fun. It's good.

I'm not saying that it's good. I want to stop talking entirely. Oh, okay. Because you're really not going to like what I was going to bring up next, which was very political. Really? I'm right of center. Absolutely right leaning.

Cool. I mean, politics is fine. Let's talk politics. Honestly, that would be an upgrade. It's about the Kavanaugh hearing. All right. Forget it. Let's not.

Yeah. Let's drop it. Guncalves with another first time. Shout out to his Insta, the best year 96, but unlike other Instas, this one's on private. It's a Finsta. I don't know if it's a Finsta or just a Princeton, a private Insta, but he'll accept you if you're dope and he'll perhaps follow you back. Wow.

Right. Yeah. Give him a little sauce. You got to make him want it, Guncalves. That's the best year 96. So thank you, Justin. Thanks to you guys for listening to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us.

I'm Amir. I'm Josh. Congrats on the general cleanliness shirt. Oh. I saw that you were selling a lot of them. Yeah. They're flying off the shelves. I don't know.

Have you gotten paid for that yet? I haven't gotten paid. The money is being collected in the Shopify Printful account. It'll be direct deposited to me. Why would I split that with you? We'll split it because I came up with it and then you had the idea to make it a shirt, so it feels like a 50-50 situation. To what end would I split that with you, buddy?

You came up with what? General cleanliness? Yes. I think we could... Him as a character. Honestly, it's a bad look for you. We don't have to get into it on Mike, but you really had... You had a dud of an episode.

You phoned it in and no one answered. I had the golden Mike. I came up with a new piece of intellectual property that's paying me through the nose, dividends, dividends on dividends. You're happily talking about it on the podcast. I'm okay letting it go if you don't want to talk about it on the podcast. I don't think we should talk about it on Mike. I don't think we should talk about it on Mike because it doesn't.

It's not a good look for either of us. More you. More you. More you, but I agree. I have cash on hand and I have cash on deck. I have bank and I'm making bank on general cleanliness, which is my idea 100%. If anything, all you did that episode was almost ruin it. No way.

No. Let's not talk about this. I agree. Let's not talk about this on Mike. Yes. Or in person if I can actually make the request right now. I don't want to speak to you about this anymore. I think we should just drop it.

I think it's not worth it. I agree. All right. It's worth it if you were me because I'm making a lot of cash. I said I agree with you. I don't think we should talk about it. All right. Okay.

Let's go. Absolutely. These are, as always, real questions from real people. All we need is a fake name for this guy so we can preserve his anonymity, bit of a sticky situation, what name do we have for this guy, what do you got? General cleanliness. Yeah. I figured you would say that.

That's exactly what I fucking thought. That's pretty cool. You wanted to drop it, but you wanted to bring it right back up. You could let it die for 15 seconds before bringing it up. Let's let it sit. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Wow.

How much? Wow. You called me a dud. You called me funny and then you accused me of ruining an episode. I say go fuck yourself and your floor. You're a little bit hot headed and I think for that reason you've posted it, your chance at the golden mic this episode. Already.

You're fine by default. Already. For what? I appreciate that. I appreciate being awarded the golden mic. For saying fuck. I think this is, what are we at? What are we at?

We're in the eight minute mark and I got the golden mic, which I think is maybe the earliest I've ever gotten the golden mic. It's the earliest. You've declared it the earliest. You've stolen. Why don't we just let the people decide who wins the golden mic? Why do you have to say that you automatically get it for what? Because I think the golden mic is something that happens live.

Yeah. What did I do? I really think it has to happen now. What did I do to disqualify myself just so I know going forward? You got really hot headed and you sort of like, you said go fuck yourself. Yeah. You said go fuck yourself. Because you wouldn't lose a dime.

I feel like that takes you out of the running. You wouldn't stop beating a dead horse. The golden mic is a little bit about sportsmanship. No way. It's a little bit about sportsmanship. It's so little about that. And the way you conduct yourself on the podcast matters. Yeah.

It matters to you, but it matters to me and it matters to our fans. Okay. Let's just call this guy General Clownliness, store.headgump.com. You can buy your own General Clownliness Tee. All right. And that money goes directly to me and I'm not splitting it with anybody. Okay. With anybody?

That means me. Don't say you're not splitting with that. Nobody expects you to split it with anybody but me. You're not splitting it with me. No. You had nothing to do with the idea. I have everything to do with it. Made it.

Stole it. You get a trophy for it because I got mad at you. I don't get a trophy for the T-shirt. I got a trophy for the carrier. Yeah. Exactly. This is why you don't get the golden mic. You don't even understand the way it works.

I do. I do. You think that you're the funnier person every single episode. No. I think we're both hilarious and I think every single episode it's up for grabs and I think I just come down with it almost 100% of the time. Almost. Every episode you've done, you got it.

Oh yeah. Every episode I've done, I got it but not every episode of the show. That's everyone. Not every episode of the podcast because Ben did it with you without me and he got it that episode. Has the guest ever won it? If it's me, Thomas, has Thomas ever won it? Ben's won it but he was the guest and I was the one.

I know. I know that one. I don't think he's explaining that fucking episode like it's the first time you're talking about it. But if the guest ever won it, has the guest ever won it? Ben was a guest. Has it ever been me, you and the guest and the guest won it? No.

I've won every one I've contended, I was in contention for. Got it. Okay. Okay. General. No congratulations from you, by the way. No, I'm proud of you. Of course not.

Of course not. That's a historic run. No, I'm honored to be on a podcast with you. That's correct. None of that. Zero. Yeah. That's right.

Yeah. Just hate. That's right. Just hate. Just hate. You don't have to say it. Just hate. Just hate.

Okay. Just hate. Okay. I know. Okay. All right. Okay. Just hate.

Ready? Just hate, I know. Yeah. Yeah. General Cleanliness writes, I'm a university student writing to you from Canada and I'm in a bit of a sticky situation. Uh-oh. Back at the start of the year, my buddy hooked up with a girl and sort of unofficially called

dibs on her. She prompted to ghost his ass, which made encounters in our friend group a little awkward. We're all in the same friend group. I should also mention that I have really only spoken to her like three times. Last week she was on a bar crawl with some girls from the group and I get a call from a number I don't recognize. Anyway, I start texting trying to figure it out and lo and behold, it is her. She asked my friend for my number.

Then she made a joke about knocking on my door later. I thought nothing of it as I was a wee bit stoned and wanted to sleep. Then she bangs on my door at 2 AM. I didn't answer. Cue Jake doing the Kanye Ha noise. Indeed. Nice. You got it, buddy.

Anyways, we started texting more regularly, which brings me to my problem. What's her end game? We're about two weeks left in school and we live eight hours apart. If she wanted to hook up, wouldn't she just tell me? We have a ton in common and suggest movies and music to each other, since we like the same genres. But does the fact that she hasn't suggested we hang out yet mean she just wants a friend? Or do I cut the crap and go for it?

Or did I miss my chance the night she banged on my door? P.S., I could kind of see getting into a relationship with her, but it's pretty tough due to the distance and you know, only really starting to talk to her this week. Okay. Uh-huh. So this guy, rather than having her show up at his door knocking on it to come into his room. Yes.

He thinks the sign that he needs is her saying, saying let's hang out instead of physically trying to hang out. Yeah. He's banging in, getting his number, calling him, texting him, banging on the door at 2 a.m., not enough insight for him, still not quite sure what quote her end game is. He's very high. He's very, very high still. I can tell.

He's still high. He's still high. He has to be so stoned. When you're stoned, are you not horny? Is that what I'm picking up on? I didn't know that that was a thing, but it seems like that's a thing with him. Yeah. I think that you're a little more ... Well, maybe it affects everybody differently, but

for me, it's definitely a bit more introspective and cerebral adventures rather than physically. I need to fuck somebody. That's more of an alcohol thing. Yeah. He's like, I'm high. Don't bang on my door. What's your favorite movie genre? I want to talk to you about Clint Eastwood films instead.

What are you trying to do here? I'm going to suggest music to you. Go to bed. Have you ever listened to Paul's Boutique by Beastie Boys? I'm not sure what you're trying to get out of this, but just go back to your room and I'll send you a playlist. Let me know if you like horrors, thrillers, or both. I'll recommend a film from the same genre.

You're a thick-headed fool, but you're sweet. It's my favorite thing when guys don't know rather than the opposite end of the spectrum is that guy's friend who hooked up with her and seemingly called dibs. You don't want to call dibs. That's clueless in a negative way. This is clueless in a funny way. Yeah, in a sweet way. I think maybe he doesn't want to grapple with the fact that this girl wanted to hook up

with him and he's like, I think I just want to be in a relationship with her. Oh, interesting. So he's saying it kind of like a cool dude, like, what does this chick want? Did I miss my chance? I think I want to have a friendship with her, some shit. What am I becoming? This drunken maiden wanted to hook up at 2 a.m. and now I'm in love with her, actually. I fucking see a future with her, some shit.

I don't know if I'm a high or if I can just see where we would grow old together, but I'm really fucked up right now. I think, yeah, that you blew your chance, but you didn't blow your future chances. That's beautiful. That was definitely a misreading of the situation. Her saying I'm going to bang on your door is saying I'm going to bang you. Horror. Okay, forget I said that.

She made a move and he did not accept it. He missed it. And I think maybe she feels a little ashamed because she banged on the door. He didn't answer. And now she's too afraid to say, hey, let's hang out. Oh, so yeah, that's possible. You definitely have to take the initiative because in her head, she's already taken a very, she swung for the fences there.

It wasn't a booty call. It was a booty knock. It was a booty show, a booty drop in. That's the most booty you can booty is to show up. Only girls can do that, by the way. It's really not, it would be creepy as hell if you did it to her. So don't think the move is to go show up at her place at 2am. Yeah.

And even when the lady does it, she gave him a nice little heads up, I'm going to knock on your door later. Yeah, yeah, that's true. So get in touch with her, text her and ask her to hang out. You said you have a lot in common. You could do any of those things or you could just get a drink, but there's two weeks left to school, she probably just wants to hook up with you. Yeah.

Sorry, bro. I guess there's always next year. Yeah. There's no reason to read so far into it, but the signal is that she wanted to hook up. You can do that. Yeah. All right. Let's take a break and we'll answer some more questions on the other side of these

advertisements. Yeah. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child.

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It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. This is a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole.

This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. She misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God.

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement.

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To the head gum podcast you were listening to this show is sponsored by better help. Thank you. Better help. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable

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That's better help H E L P dot com slash if I were you. Check him out. Thanks. Better help. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift. Well, I actually I'm in a unique situation where I don't have any advice, but I need

some advice. Mm hmm. I'm looking to lease a car at least you can lease I I've never ever driven a new car. The newest car I've ever driven was like a 2001 car and that was in 2009. That was your niece on cube, right? Yeah. Yeah. The newest car you had was that yellow Toyota Scion you lease.

I had a Yaris, a bright pink Yaris, a creamsicle Prius C though. It was exciting because this is one of the few car things I've done before. Like I don't know how to change a tire by used car, but I have when moving to LA leased a car now twice. I know all about it. All right. Well, tell me tell me everything because let me tell the first part of my experience is just like it seems like it's there's just way too many options.

That's true. Like I was on Google. It reminded me of when I was searching for an engagement ring. I was like, I just googled car leases. Yeah. That's not going to be effective. That's the next like eight years of Google ads that you get. Just the fact that you chummed the water with that single search means the next Instagram

ads you get for the next 10 years are going to be car leases. Yeah. And they also like they don't really tell you the real prices anywhere. And I made like one phone call and now I'm on. Oh, you're on the list. They are so thirsty. Oh yeah. It's crazy.

Like three emails, texts, phone calls, this is just from one place. I don't want to shop around for your car anymore. Tell me this. Like it seems to me that I need to know what kind of car I want before I even go to like a dealership. Yeah. Because like I imagine that I'd get to drive a Toyota, drive a Ford, drive a Mazda, like just drive all the different cars and that seems like no way because as soon as I show

my face somewhere, they will sink their teeth into me so deep. They're like half zombies who will just consistently walk towards you at a slow pace until you run out of real estate and half the girl from the last question just banging on your door. Can I just do it in a carola? There was a price drop on the rat. You're rav four. You just got new lease terms. This is the lowest I can go.

But at this point I'm losing money, biting into you. Yeah. So what do you do? I decided on a car I wanted, which you can do by test driving. So like I test drove a Mazda and a Toyota and a Honda and I just wanted a standard car. And they had all those or did you go to three different dealerships? Three different dealerships. And they were all probably like the people at Honda just never wanted to let you leave

and you had to be like, I'm sorry, I got a Mazda. Yeah. Oh no, it's never like I'm sorry. It's just like, all right, I'm going to go test drive some other cars. Like, well, when you leave now, I will be really sad. All right. Don't leave. Do not leave me.

This deal goes away. I know for a fact it does not. You've emailed me five times. If anything, it gets better. I was on the phone with somebody and he's like, do you want to come in? I was like, yeah, sure. I'll be there on Thursday. And it seemed like he didn't believe me and then he got my number, my email, it's like,

all right, Thursday. I'm like, yeah. I promise you will. Well, you promised me. I swear, dude. Like, just a pinky. What a swear. I know.

If you're so serious. I'll come to you. I'll come to you. So what, like, what three cars are you even narrowed it down at all? I think I've narrowed it down. I want to, I really want an SUV, and I believe I am between a Toyota 4Runner, which is a pretty large SUV, or the Audi Q5, which is a midsize SUV. Have you test driven both?

No. I'm driving the Audi tomorrow. Okay, great. I was going to call ahead to this Toyota place, but now that I see how accommodating everybody is, I think I'll just drop in. So this is what I did. I decided on a car, and then I called two rival Mazda dealerships, and then they just sort of fight it out against each other.

Wow. Yeah. Did you mediate? Were you like, that sounds pretty good, but this place is going to go lower? I basically had a price in mind that I wanted to pay, and then I told one of them that price, and they're like, we can't do that, then I told the other one, they're like, I can't do that unless you do this, or they're like, I'll match their price, because they really, like the two Audi dealerships in New York, if there are more than one, hate each other,

and will do anything to make sure that you lease the car from them. Yeah, I could see that. That makes sense. And another bit of advice I got was pay the minimal amount upfront, because a lot of them will just say like, yeah, it's $200 a month, but you put $7,000 down. There was some rule of thumb that was like, for every $100, they take off your monthly price, they just add, or for, yeah, they just add $3,000 down to the down payment. Oh, and you don't get the down payment back at all, right?

No, it's just the rate at which you pay. Some of them are like, yeah, you can do very little monthly payments if you pay a lot down right now. So I asked for no money down zero, and I guess the least you can do in California at least is like $600, which is like the minimal amount of taxes and fees or whatever just to get the car. But you're not paying off the car at all, you're only doing that every month. Very interesting.

You should have a price that you want to pay monthly and basically throw that at two or even three Audi dealerships and then have them struggle until you can get that price. This sounds great. Can I just have you do it? Just sort of throw a piece of paper in the middle of four rabid dogs and whoever wins it gets you. Whoever wins it gets my cash. Yeah, you pay as little as you can up front, and then I always opt for the standard stuff

because they try to upsell you with shit that you don't necessarily need like a navigator or like a nicer TV screen. Right. I'm like, yeah, I'll just use Waze on my phone, thanks, though. That's it. It's probably going to work on me. Given any of those new cars that like the display just basically looks like your phone? Yeah, it's like an Apple wired car where they mirror the Apple phone onto your car.

That shit is dope. You can get any car and they can like Apple wire link it up. Some of the cars just come standard with it. Interesting. Yeah, the Jeep that we rented when we drove to DC had it and was fucking lovely. And I guess if anybody has a suggestion for a small SUV that's kind of sick, let me know. If you just search cars.com and filter by kind of sick, you'll find like the ones that will come up.

Really? Yeah. And then you just, you throw on that vanity plate. Oh, I wonder if I could get the same vanity plate as you since I'm in New York. Oh, just as headgum, but in New York. Yeah. I think, yeah, I think Pyle looked it up and said it was available. Maybe Golden Mike would fit if you take away all the valves.

Oh, GLD, yeah, GLDN MC. MIC. Who's the Gilden MC? It's not what it stands for. He's the guy that just rear-ended you. Now get your insurance card. Price. Driving your cube, getting honked at by people.

There's a guy in the back seat who thought you were his Lyft driver. And I was. Oh, baby, alone. Don't cancel. Fuckers. Christ. So that's both your solicited and my unsolicited advice on how to lease a car. That really works.

I'm going to keep you in the loop because I feel like I'm definitely very, very stupid about money negotiating. If I like the person, I'll sign it, I'll give them everything. Yeah. There's even some dig. If you dig even deeper into the whole, I think there was this American life about the real system that goes on and how much they can actually sell for and when to do it down to the month because of all these quotas and things, you can get real deep.

I listened to that this American life and it almost made me feel bad about the position that the dealerships are in because a lot of the time they are losing money on these leases. They like sacrifice it to stay in business. Yeah. So that you come back and buy a soda. That's how they're making the real cash. Right.

Just like the movies. They make money on the, on the vending machines. Yeah. When your car breaks down and they sell you a Pepsi for $3.99, that's how they're really making money. These big wigs. It's not even off the cars. Big wigs.

It's off the ice. Ask for it without ice. Watch their head fucking roll. All right. So now everyone could stop listening to your unsolicited advice. I'm serious. Go to a, go to a Mazda dealership if you want a Pepsi. Yeah.

You get a flat Pepsi, no ice. And then you take your car to get oil changed at a frickin' Jiffy Lube anyway. Get it on rice. It'll stay cold, but it takes up less volume. Dude, can I get a Diet Coke on frozen rice? What do you mean you don't have it? What kind of Audi dealership is this? I thought the customer was always rice.

Very rice. There we go. We should also say tickets are still available for our show in Chicago. That's rice. At gum.com slash live. And not many left. NADPod might be sold out by the time this comes out. If I were you, has about a hundred tickets left.

Other shows going fast. So nab them while you can June 14th through 16th in Shytown. Get them all. Man, that's going to be fun. Can't wait. All right. Next question. Dude, who he wants to be called Lysmus.

Oh, nice. Thomas. Tizai Lysmus. Hey, Diva Roaches. So my friend who I'm very comfortable with, we talk about sex and our fantasies, etc. all the time. We met sophomore year in high school and about five months ago, my four and a half year relationship ended.

While we were talking about how difficult it can be to find someone to have casual sex with, I figured I would ask her and she responded, of course. I've been waiting for you to ask, to be honest. Now this obviously got me very excited and I asked how long she's been waiting for me to ask. And she told me since sophomore year, not long after we met. The reason I'm writing in is because I suddenly feel a lot of pressure. The sex has been six years in the making for her and I've only had one partner.

And my previous relationship, we only had sex a few times as it was difficult for her to adjust to me. Also that's not a humble brag. I'm very average. So I'm not as experienced as experienced as her. She knows this. But we still have that lingering expectation in my head that I need to do well. Do not fret, gullies, cheese will be seized.

But how would you mentally approach the situation? It's not unlike our first guy. But it's good that we don't have to convince him to do it because obviously it's going to happen. That's good. It's going to happen, but the pressure of five years is weighing on him. I think you might. I mean, my advice is just to get it over with because either it's going to be, it's either

going to be good, bad, average, great, terrible, awkward. Who knows? But once it happens, then you can only calibrate from the experiment from the first time. Yeah, you just throw a blind dart. And then you adjust. And then you can adjust accordingly. Right. It's funny that this guy has been wanting this for months.

And then when she's like, I've been wanting it for years, he's like, maybe never mind. Not quite interested. I mean, the thing that worries me is not necessarily that he won't be able to perform, but it sounds like this might be a little less casual for her. She's liked him for a long time. Yeah. But yeah, I guess you never know until you do it, just like you said. Yeah.

And she's like, we're friends with benefits. I've been waiting to be your friend with benefits my whole life. I have never stopped thinking about us being friends with benefits. I think she, like you could definitely want more benefits. And one of the benefits that she might want is that you're her full-time boyfriend. You're my long lost friends with benefit. How's that for benefits? We're in love and we're committed to each other and we won't see other people.

That's my favorite benefit of being your friend with benefits. The greatest benefit of all is marriage. I'm sure it's not actually like that. This is just his fear. Yeah. Well, his fear, I think, is that he won't be able to do a good job. I'm sure that it'll be fine, but be sensitive because, I don't know, she'll like you. All right.

Here's another question from a guy who's having post-coital questions. This is sort of like the same guy in three different stages of the night. Oh. The girl who knocked, then it's like she wants to have sex, and then right after sex, this guy has a question. What comes after general sergeant, sergeant, cleanliness, a colonel cleanliness? Please, call me general. Colonel cleanliness was my dad's name.

Colonel cleanliness writes, I'm a 21-year-old junior at the University of Colorado who is a longtime fan of Jake and the chipmunk, but a first-time writer. What? A few months ago, I was hooking up with this girl who is now my girlfriend who I love very much. We were fucking and not to toot my own horn, but I was doing great. She was coming left and right, and we were having lots of fun. We were winding down, and as I finished pulling out, she says, you're a psychopath.

Now mind you, it's not like I had her on a sex swing or we were doing some dark BDSM shit. We were just fucking in my bed in my apartment. Her saying that immediately took me out of the moment and I started to laugh and blurted out what? She did not have a response and quickly curled up and took a nap while I was left wondering what I had done that warranted, her calling me that after sex. Maybe it was because she came so many times or that it was just good sex.

I have rotted up with her since and she either denies it or tells me that she does not know why she said it. I think about it a fair amount because, well, she told me I was a fucking psychopath after sex. Should I read into this or should I stop caring because it means nothing? Please help a fellow Jew out. Interesting. Stop caring because it means nothing.

Yeah. Is the option that I want to take. I mean, yeah, I think that's kind of the, isn't that the only thing you can do because you've already, you overthink it. You already brought it up and she doesn't want to talk about it. So like brought it up multiple times after good sex. Yeah. If you continue, then you actually become the psychopath.

What do you mean I'm a psychopath? That was four months ago, but I can't stop thinking about it. Yeah. Do you really think I'm crazy? I do now. Why? Why did you call me that after awesome sex? It wasn't that good.

Excuse me. Why did you call me crazy that day? Because the sex was crazy good. Not really. Do you have a problem with me? Oh, good Lord. You're actually the psychopath recalling me that. Yeah.

It's been four years, man. I don't know what to tell you. You were wearing that outfit last time I saw you too. I'm stars I think I am a psychopath. That's how crazy you have me. If you want to tell me what psychopath that I'll be overheard by hovel under the bridge. This guy ruined good sex by thinking about the compliment she gave him too much. Yeah.

I would not not worry. Yeah. At least because you can't solve this issue. You won't come to the table so there's nothing you can do. You never want to ask what the fuck did you mean by that after good sex? What the fuck did you mean by that? You really never want to be like, you know that thing you told me to stop worrying about and asking you about?

Well, guess what? I'm still worried about it and I'm asking again. I'm freaked in a way. I know you want me to let it go, but that isn't happening now. Let it go. Let it go. She called him that once. What a weird sliding doors moment.

She could have chosen any word instead. She said psychopath seemingly by accident. Now it's driven you bad. I mean, maybe there's a small part of his brain that thought that he was acting psycho as he was having sex. Man, I feel crazy and then she said, you're a psychopath and it was confirmed and now you really freaked out about it. A self-fulfilling psychopath prophecy.

Yeah. All right. Let's try to answer one last question about a clingy coworker. Okay. Lieutenant cleanliness writes, day one here with a problem that I think you two could handle. I recently moved to Virginia for a job. Being that I don't really know anyone around here in Virginia being dry as fuck, I got

closer to a group of coworkers and started going out with them on off days. While out one night bowling, playing pool and smashing drinks, I participated in some flirting of the latest variety with this girl who works with us but not under the same company. Here's when the problems began. This chick ended up getting my number and after nothing more than one night of wafer thin flirting, I wake up to a good morning honey text. Dope right? How about nope?

I don't consider myself a dime piece but this girl does not make my heart horny in the slightest. She's been hitting me up multiple times a day for the last week and a half, trying to invite herself over to my place. Even jokingly followed me to my apartment complex after a night out. Hey, it's like the 2 a.m. bang door. She's always in our office throughout the work day and is good friends with most of my coworkers.

She's tried flirting during work but I just kind of ignored and go about my business. This girl hasn't taken any hints. My lack of texting or subtle brush offs. I sort of go about shutting down this female without all my new coworkers. Dare I say friends thinking I'm a dick for denying this clingy chick. Thanks fellas and ta-da. Love? Colonel?

Lieutenant? Something. President. That's president cleanliness to you. That's right. I ran a successful campaign. The commander in handkerchief. Very good.

That's golden micworthy if I hadn't already won it honestly. You said you already had, yeah. I already did have it but it's rare to win two and fuck it. It's an honor. Yeah. Two? You're saying you win two in this episode? I win two this episode.

Honestly, I'm chuffed by it so thank you. Thank you. Thank you all. Who are you thanking? You gave it to yourself. I think I'm thanking the people. You're complimenting yourself and you're thanking somebody else for it. Nobody said anything.

You don't just get an award and not give a speech. I'm not an asshole. What do you think? I just walk up and go whatever because it means something to me. I think that's why people appreciate that I get this award so often. I definitely think it means a lot to you. It hasn't lost its luster on other people. Obviously it hasn't.

They shrug their shoulders and they're like, I don't have any room on my mantle for my 279th golden mic. But I say, no, I've got plenty of shelf space and keep them coming because I love this award and I love podcasts. A lot of people would want to share the wealth, especially when you're creating the currency from scratch. Trust me, I do want to share the wealth. No, you don't.

I would love to share the wealth. I really would. I don't think so. You have two. How about we split this one this episode? We each get one. You're thinking about it? You don't know if you want to do it.

I don't think it's going to happen, but I did meaningfully consider it. No way. You took four seconds. That wasn't soul searching. No, honestly. You fucking paused. I knew I was going to say no right from the start. Yes, I know.

I know. I wanted to make you think that I considered it so I didn't hurt your feelings, but you don't. Okay. How about this? Since you're creating shit and you are creating shit, fucking drum up another fake third trophy and give it to me. You still have two and I have one.

Okay. Okay. The brown turd award for shittiness and podcasting is yours. Same one. I hate to give that to you. No, you don't. I hate to give that one to you. Same one.

I want the golden mic. I really hate that I won two golden mics and you won a brown turd this episode. Have I? You win the brown turd for shittiness and podcasting. Congrats. Congrats on that. Yeah. Do you have a speech?

Do you want to give a speech? No. I'm afraid to ask, but have I ever won the brown turd before? Oh my God. What is this? Let's hear it. What's your answer? Have I ever won the brown turd award for shittiness podcasting before to you?

This is your... Don't. No. Keep in mind, I can just win no award. No golden mic, but no turd. How many times have I won the turd to you? This is your 380th turd. Oh my God.

Every episode, I get the turdy. You get the golden mic and today you have two. You've gotten the dirty turdy for every single episode we've ever done and every episode that you did without me, which was the one with Ben. Even 30 turdies would have been too much and you're giving me 380 turdies. 380 dirty turdies for shittiness and podcasting. On award. And I hate to do that.

Yeah, no you don't. I hate to do it publicly because you could have asked me privately, we could have talked about this off mic. You're mad at me. Listen to how mad you are at me for losing the award. I never wanted to have this. I never wanted to have this out here. I don't think we need to air our dirty laundry like this.

I agree. I don't think it's a good look for us. I agree. I don't think it's good for the podcast. Correct. Okay. So let's... So let's what?

Drop it. Let's leave it. Let's forget that this ever happened. I quickly want to say thank you for my two golden mics this episode. It's a humbling honor and I'm cheesed and chuffed by it, okay? I know that you're cheesed. I know that you're chuffed. You don't have to say that shit.

You're making up an award and you're giving it to you. Because otherwise it'll say anything and they accept it in silence and I think that's weird. But I want to say thank you and that's it. I think this is much weirder. All right. Well, we don't even have to talk about it anymore. So it's not weird. It's over.

Yes. We're done. Correct. Let's drop it. No award. You did get an award. And no fucking... You got an award.

I have no fucking... You have... I have no speech then. You've got... You have a brown streak that you're keeping alive here. You've won every single tourney that's been awarded. So you do have an award. You just probably don't want to give a thank you speech because it's more like a no thank

you speech. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

Yes. By the way, Matt, you're not. You should be happy. If you're... I don't... I'm not happy. I didn't want to have this conversation. This isn't fun for me.

You gave me an award. You made up an award. I wanted one of the golden mics and you made up a turdy and then you gave me 380 of them. I didn't make it up. I didn't make it up. You earned it. How should this guy be blunt to this clingy coworker? I think with a very polite text.

Oh, that's good. What about a nice fake lie where you're like, sorry, I have a girlfriend. This is making me a little uncomfortable. Oh, that's... I mean, but then your friends and your coworkers think you have a girlfriend and they're like, let's bring her around and then you can't do that. I think it's cleaner to be like, I'm not looking for a relationship right now or I'm not interested in seeing anybody.

Honey. So it's not personal. It's not like I'm not interested in you. It's like I'm not interested at all in romance, ATM. Do you think the good morning honey text ever works for this lady? No, I would say that is more of an indicator that she doesn't know how to flirt. I like the idea of calling it wafer tin flirting. I can't stress how thin this flirting was.

It was absolutely vanilla. It was vanilla wafer. It was saran wrap. It was aluminum foil skinny flirting. It was a translucent flirtation. Yeah, let her know or lie to her or continue ignoring her until she gets the hits and finds a new honey. Yeah, three solid options.

Just don't give in and hook up with her because that'll be bad. Have you ever made that mistake? Yes, often. Of course. I've honestly probably never done the other three things. Learn from my mistakes, folks. Learn from my mistakes. All right, we're out of time.

Great episode. I think we both did equally well. Thank you so much for writing in. If you have your own questions or theme song submissions you can send it to. If I were you show at gmail.com, are you okay? The opening one was written by Justin Goncalves. Who wrote this closing one? Do you want to give any award to Justin?

Did he get anything? You're a fucking prick. Justin, can I have a turdy if you want to? He can have a turdy. He actually wrote. He'd made something for us. He haven't made shit. You fucking make up little awards to make yourself happy and it just backfires.

It makes you mad. You fucking prick. This closing one is written by Jake Guthridge, who did a My Name is Jonas cover for your Ungrateful Ass. And then he wrote an original theme song for us. He hopes we like it. So from both of us who are both hosts of this podcast, we say thank you, Jake. And is there any last words you wanted to mention before we play the song?

No, I just want to say. Yeah. Here we go. Not much from me. Not much has changed for you in terms of. I want to say thank you to Jake. Have you had to change your heart about anything? For the theme song.

I just want to single out and flag a point that you made that each of you and I had an equally good episode. I don't think that's fully accurate. I had a double golden mic episode and you had a turdy episode. Do you think it's fair that I think that? You think that? Yeah. Do you think it's fair that we both did equally well?

Not that I did better. Do you think it's fair that I think we did equally well? It's not about fair. It's about, I mean, I don't think it's. I don't think. Do you think it's fair? I think it's about accuracy. Do you think it's fair that I think that we did equally well?

Your title to feel. Having given you. That's what you want. I'm not going to tell you how I feel. So feel whatever you want. And what are you telling me? It's fair. I'll tell you, it's fair.

It's fair to feel however you want. But it's not. It's not correct. All right. You're not, you're wrong about this. It's objective. All right. Go fuck yourself, you little piece of shit.

All right. Nothing but hate for you. See you next week, everybody. Later. The turdy. The turdy. The turdy. The turdy.

The turdy. The turdy. The turdy. The turdy. The turdy. The turdy. The turdy. The turdy.

The turdy. The turdy. The turdy. The turdy. The turdy. The turdy. The turdy. The turdy.

The turdy. The turdy. The turdy. The turdy. The turdy. Come rain or snow, they'll deliver one podcast when you need it to help together. Whatever troubles are head in your way. It's if I were you, so I'd be my local.

Show us your local.