If I Were You - 387: Prison (w/Middleditch and Schwartz!)

Episode Date: June 17, 2019

Friends and comedians Thomas Middleditch and Ben Schwartz join us live from Thalia Hall in Chicago to discuss foreskin, new pants, and who is 58 years old.Thanks to everybody who came out to HeadGum Live last weekend!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, give it up for Jake and Amir! Amir, Amir, Amir, sit down. Hey, hi, I'm Amir! And I'm Jake. I'm Jake Hurwitz. Me, I'm Amir Blumenfeld. I'm a goddamn chipmunkin'. Guess what? Me Jewish! Yeah, and I'm Jake Hurwitz. I like pussy!

Amir. Yeah, Jake. Great to be here, hosting our very own podcast festival. Podcasts are the new... Great. Great. So excited all you guys could show up. If you're from Chicago, you make some noise!

Okay, and if you're from my hometown of Tel Aviv, Israel, make some noise! Wow, a lot of people from Tel Aviv! Amir, you got a strong Adam Sandler vibe going. Shampoo is better! Watch my new movie with Jennifer Aniston on Netflix. Yeah, it's out there. Back together again. And what about you? You moved to New York, huh? I moved to New York and started a very successful D&D podcast.

It's really been the end of our friendship, I think. I would say you flying to LA once a week and me having nothing to do for six days is pretty lonely for me! Yeah, but hey, I love New York. I'm doing what I can. And you love... Pussy! If I know anything about me, Jake Hurwitz, I love that pudding tang. Oh, and while I have everybody, I want to thank the seven people who listen to Buckets. Thank you, so one, two, three, four...

Anthony Davis to the Lakers! I bet I do a three-time special! We actually, for today, we got two very special guests. I can't even believe we got the best special guest. I don't know why I made my voice higher for Amir. Higher for yourself? Higher! Higher for myself. Well, where were these... I don't even need glasses! I got Lasik! Why the fuck do I still wear glasses?

Where would we... where were people? No, we're very excited to have these two people. Have these two people. We've known them for a long time. They've been on our internet web series. Yeah. They've been on the show before. Well, some... one of them... one of them you'll notice from... Oh, jeez. One of them you'll notice from the hit indie Splinterheads.

Early Aughts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And... The other one you'll know him is Dr. Chompers from Sonic the Hedgehog. The best teeth game that... And the legs... The legs that broke the internet. The movie's actually great, guys. Wait for the movie.

The movie's actually great, guys. Give it a chance. Give it a chance. Oh, for doing real credits. By the way, one of them was just in Godzilla and had this line. One of them that's coming out was in Godzilla and had this line. This is his line. My favorite line in the movie. You doing it? Oh, shit!

No, he didn't have that line. What did he say? He didn't get the oh shit line. What did he do? Consider us very intimidated. Number one. Number one domestically, internationally. So if that was an underwhelming response, fuck you. Jake, Jesus, have you not had sex in a while?

You know how I get when it's been ten minutes. You know how I've been when it's been a decade. Ladies and gentlemen, straight off of their sold out tour, I mean, they played very big venues. Ever heard of Carnegie Hall? Yeah. Ever heard of the Chicago Theater? Ladies and gentlemen,

gracing our stage tonight, give it up for Middle Ditch and Schwartz! What on Chicago? It's true, I do love pussy. Reasonably successful bitch. Reasonably successful. I'm gonna love it. I've been into it all night.

You guys are gonna hate it then like it a little bit. Do I really sound like that? I can't hear you over your bar mitzvah. Nice. My bar mitzvah video was supposed to play in the background, but it didn't come here in time, so we're gonna do just the logo. You'll do your half-tour during the break, I imagine.

That was fun. That was like a roast of me. The meanest thing Thomas could say about me was that I like New York and pussy. Amir, you really got the fucking shitty end of that juicestick. What can I tell you, Jake, you're untouchable. You're a rock star. Amir, I've got notes, check your email.

Yeah. It's like a roast and a toast, all in one magical seven-minute bit. How was it a toast? Because they made you feel good about yourself. The podcast stuff was nice. That was toasty, yeah. A bunch of sort of stuff.

Chicago, how was everybody tonight? I will say this, Amir, in your defense, you're one of the best in the biz at bits on a text chain. Wow, that's a high honor. If you ever find yourself in a text chain, and I'll give you his number at the end of the show. No, you don't have to do that. 917, why don't we do it?

If you ever find yourself in a 6-3, I'm honored that you know it by heart. 897-4, yeah. We'll bleep it out on the day. If you ever find yourself in a nice text chain with Amir Blooms, he's going to give you some solid bits. And here's the thing, you'll stop before he will. Yeah, because I follow your lead.

Turn it to a roast again, careful. Don't be mean to me. This is the part where we make him feel good. Did that feel bad or was that better? That wasn't meant to be bad. That was fine, right? He's good on the text. He's a lot, you know?

That's a lot. And I think that's what we're all saying. But it's also that having a lot of donuts is still good. That's not really... Yeah, I know. But then you have fat. You could die from too many donuts. What's that?

You could die from too many donuts. Yeah. You asked us to come out and be you guys. Yes. If anything bad happened, it's probably your fault, right? I thought it would be like, hey, let's get Jake for being this kind of way. And let's get Amir for also having that. And then it was like, it kind of in a funny way.

And I don't mean to turn this into like some weird intervention, because I'm not even that sad. This is something we should talk about like backstage, because like... Yeah. Right? Because I was like, oh, don't do anything about my basketball podcast, which you did bring up fairly quickly. And then I was like...

Right, right. Oh, I can't wait in my brain. I'm like, I can't wait to hear what they say about Jake. And it was kind of just like the fact that he gets laid a lot, which was like... Which was awesome. We talked about you getting laid too. No, you said every ten years.

You said every ten years, right? That's a lot for a chipmunk. Oh, yeah. It's a lot. I think it's amazing that like you are a chipmunk and you have sex. It's crazy. First of all, chipmunks do have sex. I'm not a chipmunk, but chipmunks do have sex.

But you know what chipmunks get, right? But... Nuts, bro. Oh! Nice, man. In their mouth. Adam then lost him. Adam then lost him.

I don't care. I think I care. I'll do nuts and mouth bits till the show ends. Let's get one more, but then we really have to put a cap on it. Put a nut in your mouth. I like it. Top shell fumer.

Shit. That one crushed. Top shell. That was funny. You guys, who here has been to a live podcast of ours before? Okay, pretty cool. Pretty cool. So you guys know the story.

It's real people emailing us. Real questions. Doing our best to preserve their anonymity, but answer wisely. Sometimes it's Jake and me alone in a studio, angry at each other, mad. Why'd you move to New York? Yeah.

Let's just get through this, bud. Yeah. Shirts off, 92 degrees. It's a little wet. Humid for some reason. It's wet in the studio. Sometimes we have our good friends, Ben and Thomas on the show, whether that's...

And then there are those special times that we have you both on the show with a live audience. Has that ever happened before? Yeah. Never happened before. This is the first time ever. First time ever. Wow.

I said with confidence, yeah, like it had happened before. Like in my brain, it was like, of course. I'm maybe losing it. It's fine. Another great joke. Nuts in mouth, anyone? I like that a lot. So we got some here, real questions from real people.

All we need is a fake name to preserve them. So... I'll make one up. And you want a... Just like a normal name. You want a very ordinary name? Just like a straightforward, normal man. Wait, a lady or a boy?

Is it a man or a woman? This one is from a dude. A guy. It's kind of a bro. Kind of a bro dude. I'll do it. I'll give it a shot. I'll give it a shot.

I'll give it a shot. Thank you. Great suggestions. All we heard was literally King Kong yelling at us. Banana bread. Who may be fighting Godzilla pretty soon. I wasn't invited to that party. Sorry.

Sorry. No spoilers. Sorry. All right. Well, this person probably has an ordinary name, right? Just a very normal name. A normal name. You want to know his name?

Yeah. I'll say it is... You don't have to think that hard, because it could be a very normal name. It's a normal name. I don't even have to think at all. It's right out of the tip of the tongue. Out of the tip of the tongue. Here we go.

First thing I think of is a Sherbert Daltet. Sherbert Daltet. Thank you. Thank you. Sherbert Daltet. Wow. A applause break for Sherbert Daltet. It was worth the wait.

Thank you. Sherbert is kind of a surfer, bro. Thomas. Yeah. I'll be honored. Will you honor us? Hey, before you do that, can I ask you a question real quick? No.

Okay, cool. This will go all night. So how are you guys? Are you good? Are you excited to be in Chicago? Yeah. And Jake, how many beverages did you have? Does it take a couple to get you out on stage?

Yeah. I like to go one whiskey before, one whiskey during... No, wait. Two whiskeys during. Do you think you're not funny unless you do that? I think I'm not confident unless I do that. Okay. I'd love to hear the question in a surfer voice.

Yeah. Hey, Kudos on this phone case. Oh, thanks, bro. It's Tweed. Shout out to Super Producer Mars, who gave me the inspo when I copied her phone case. It's sort of like gray cloth. Yeah. It's nice.

It's a little too much. No, do you remember that book when you were a wee? And you would turn the pages and one of the pages was like, and feel daddy's beard. And you would like... There was a patch of like, scraggly shit. I know the book. I know the book.

It 100% is a feel daddy's beard. I know the book. You're talking with Fuzzy Caterpillar sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Feel daddy's beard was definitely not in that book. But at one point, yeah, in the book, Noah said, feel daddy's beard and tell him how special he is. No.

Was there a hole in the book where your daddy's... Anyway, I know this book and it's fucking demented. I loved it. Not to mouth anyone. Weird. It's got weirder now. It got weirder now. The context will grow as the show goes on.

I'm playing the long game. Don't worry, it'll pay off. The name once more was... Sherbert Daltec. Daltec. Daltec. Sherbert Daltec writes. Thank you very much.

So recently I had a pool party at my house to celebrate the start of the summer. Nice. Very good. We all started to drink pretty early in the day and we're pretty wasted by the early evening. That's cool. During the entire party,

my best friend kept hinting at our girlfriends. Oh, that's a weird possessive there. At our girlfriends, that it would be fun to go to my room and have a shower together and possibly a foursome. Dude, why am I not at these parties? This is all I live for. Or he's 16.

Yeah. From high school. His point stands. I mean, brother, I can get you into these parties. Who wants to feel daddy's beard? If this guy's 16 and go into a foursome shower, like, give this dude a gold medal. At 16, I was just trying to get into my neighbor's land party.

What's a land party? Local area network. You fucking noob. Get off my stage. Yeah. Of course. Okay. And they totally were into it.

So to the shower we went. Sounds pretty good, right? Yeah. Right. It was fucking awesome. However, as I was pretty wasted, when I pulled out of my GF, who is... Oh, okay.

Who is a piece equal to that of a dime? Nice. I nutted haphazardly into the dark abyss of my room. Is this what the show is? Mainly. I just don't listen to the podcast. Actually, we discussed Twin H come on the show. Yes.

Is this person really 16 years old? Well, no, no, no. The question is sent yesterday. It's from a 16-year-old. Sorry. Continue. Christ. Jesus.

Please stop it. I get why Jake moved to New York. More pussy, baby. Yay. Okay. It's awesome. Fucking shit, look. It's awesome.

I love it. All right. Into the dark abyss of my room. When we all woke up, my best friend realized his pants were covered in some sort of paste. No spoilers. Well, I guess my girlfriend had used his pants to clean up the jazz. My best friend just bought these pants and loves them. Rag and bone, probably.

Anyway, that was not part of the letter. He says I should pay for his dry cleaning now to get them fixed. But I say all is fair in love and jazz. Do I pay to clean my buddy's pants or do I say fuck it and let him deal with the come sequences of the foursome which he initiated? Thanks for the advice PS. I'm having another pool party at the end of June in Edmonton, Canada. Oh, let me know if you want to come.

PPS go bills. That's from the original tubes. Dude, I know this guy's Canadian. By the way, I feel like this is a hair away from like a Seinfeld premise. Yeah. I don't want to pay for the guy's dry cleaning. The origin story of Larry David. He wants me.

He initiated it. Can I say that these sound eerily like you wrote them? We would never ever be that creative. I just think it's amazing. Like this guy had a foursome with his best friend and their two girlfriends. And the worst thing that came out of it is like maybe he has to pay for someone's dry cleaning. That's fine. You could ruin a friendship forever based on that.

The thing that I was thinking of is that gentleman probably had to walk home in those pants, correct? Those are his pants. What was the pool party? So he might have come with a bathing suit. Oh, thank you, Sherlock. Actually, I'm sorry, Watson, you have something to say? If we follow the club. I think 100% you dry.

In my head, I thought it was going to be, do I dry clean it? Do I buy him a whole other pair? Because even if we clean it, my DNA is on this gentleman's pants for the rest of his life. You could all split the dry cleaning if you really have to. How much does it cost to dry for the dry cleaning? A single pair of pants? That's a $9 job. That's not bad.

I mean, $9 for the time of your life in a shower? How did you get from shower? There's a lot of holes in this story. But only one has jizz coming out of this. Nice, dude. Technically two in the story. Very good. If I was having sex in a shower, group or otherwise,

and I was about to get to the end, there's no way I'd be like, quick, take it out of the shower and aim it into the room. That's a remarkable part. The shower is petting. She used it. She used it. She didn't jizz into the... This is her jizz? Dude, relax.

She used it to dry herself. Post-coitus shower. Well, then it's her fault. She'll dry clean it. The cum thickens. Wow. Watson, what else you got? I think the ladies should pay for the dry cleaning. That's right. It's 2019 after all.

Don't applaud that. You can have pants with jizz stains on them, right? You're a grown-up. Just fucking own it. I mean, you can clean it, Jake. You know you can clean your pants. I can't clean my pants. That's a job for my mom. The amount of cum that your mom had to clean, Jake. She probably got pregnant.

Just cleaning Jake's pants. Jesus Christ. Is that how the triplets were born? I'm serious. Is this show going to be dirty? Ben asked before the show? No, it's just a couple of people hanging out. I will say this. I will say this. I'm really in a dark place right now. Your mom listens to the show.

I mean, Michael was born this way. That's the fucked up thing. I love Michael. That's what the song Born This Way is about. He's my son. Sing a little bit of Born This Way. Baby, I will fuck your pants. Baby, you were born this way. Baby, you were born this way.

What was the... Wow. It's a hot crowd. It's a standing ovation in here. It's a hot crowd. People from the Chicago Theater drove up just to give a standing ovation. They came into the theater and now they just left just for that song. What's the song from the new Lady Gaga Bradley Cooper movie that everybody sings?

Shallow. Yeah, how does that go? God, how could I possibly... Can we get the guitar out? No, sorry, Thomas. What were you going to say? Oh, now it feels weird. Now it feels weird? No, it's because we were talking about songs and I just wanted to say, if we were in a situation where any of your guys' cum was on my pants,

I'd wear them. No big deal. Wow, that means a lot. Thank you so much. We're up guys. I fucking love you guys. I fucking love you, man. Wow. Real talk, man. It would be an honor to wear any of your guys' jizz. It would be a fucking honor. It would be an honor.

An honor? Yeah. To wear your jizz? Let us cum on you, dude. No, I'm not going to let you fucking cum on my pants. Why do you think everybody came to this show if not to watch... That would be a real weird one. No.

Do you guys have more questions? The other ones are... We only have the one. And it's about cum? The other ones are much wetter. You won't like them. Oh, no. Yeah, you don't want to go to the other questions, man. Oh, no.

What do we have? One's about a bucket. If we treat this question with the respect that it truly deserves. Okay. What advice do we want to give this time? How about what would you do? I would say that you definitely have to dry clean the pants or even pay for a new pair of pants if the person's very uncomfortable with them.

A new pair of pants? Yeah. Good man. I... Maybe this is like... I'm trying to identify what this is. Is this pride? I don't know what it is.

I think it is... I think my point is I would want to make a point out of it and say, if this means a lot to you, yeah, sure, I'll pay for the pants. I'll pay for the dry cleaning. But don't suggest this and you're not ready for it. If the person asks for it? You're not ready for this. No, I don't want to shame him.

I just want to be like, sweetie, it's okay. This maybe isn't your thing. Don't sweat it. Yeah, you're not ready for this. You're not ready for this lifestyle. You're not ready for this lifestyle. You're not ready for this hashtag, the lifestyle. For every fuck party, there's a guy at a dry clean.

That's like, do you use organic soap on these pants that I got? Come on. I had a pretty nasty party. I have a group on. I'm reaching for it, but my pockets are stuck together, sadly. Is that Gabriel Iglesias' headshot? And also... So wait, oh, why he can't get these normal washes?

Because they're nice or... They're wool pants. They're nice, pantsy little... They're like, They're like, they'veemicore to pool parties. Yeah, Yeah. It's a start of the summer? Yes, they're... They're 1898 pioneer wool pants.

Oh, they're from, like, Revolutionary era. Wait, is this dude a prospector? He's from Edmonton, you get it. He's an oiler. Hey, let's have a equation, man! So a surfer and open prospective darker prospector and two fine ass ladies. Alright, cool. All right, cool.

Should we get to the next question? Yeah, let's go to the next question. Thomas, you have my phone. I'm going to need it back. What's your password, Amir? I wouldn't give it out. 1-7-4. OK, wait, 4-7-7.

That's right, it's my home address, 4-7-7-6. Danville Avenue. Ha-ha-ha. Why are you upset at me? You just said you're real address. Most people make fun of me, so I'm like still on Super. I know, earlier with the glasses. I was supportive.

I appreciate it. Thank you for bringing it out. Would anyone make fun of you just for living in Danville Avenue? You know what, it's like so much bullshit that I get that like now I'm like on edge. I'm like a balloon. I think you're a cool dude.

I appreciate it. You just said your own address and yelled at Ben. I didn't make a mistake. What's your social? Yeah, what's your social? I'm not going to say my social. Why, is it a funny number? No, it's not a funny number.

And what is it? If it's not a funny number, what's your social? Do the first three digits. If it's not a funny number, it should be easy to say. Nobody will laugh. Just make it just if it's a normal number, you're scot-free. But if it's silly, a mere blue-men felt number, no one's even like number.

No one's like writing it down. What is it? Yeah, go. It is six. That's fine. Nine one. No, that's already a goofy number. Six hundred and ninety.

You got a couple more. Six hundred and ninety one. Six nine one, six hundred and ninety one. You were the six hundred and ninety first person in the world. No, there's more. I'm listening. Oh, wait, 60. It's six nine one, six zero.

No one says a number like this. I think it usually starts with two, doesn't it? No, it matters where you're from. Mine starts with a zero. It's three, two, four. No, it's six nine one. Is that funny? No, keep going.

69. That's another 69. Now we're getting a goofy territory. Right now, all you have is a 69 split with a one. Yes. And then six and then nine, six, nine. See, that's too many numbers and very dirty. What's the next question?

This email comes from a Swedish woman. Thomas, is that in your wheelhouse or what? It couldn't be more. Do we have a Swedish woman's name? I heard Crandis. I heard a Crandis, too. Crandis? Crandis.

And this one probably won't be as dirty because the first one was so dirty. This one's gonna be, this one's pretty clean. This one's squeaky clean. You can share it with your parents. It works clean. Crandis writes. Hi, guys.

I'm a Swedish woman and I'm going to India with my fiance in two weeks to meet his family for the first time. This is, there is a Swedish person, there are a bunch of Swedish people being like, no. But there are a couple that are like, he nailed it. Yes, guys, I'm pulling. He really nailed it.

That's it. I have a couple reservations, but the biggest one is bathroom related. Oh, Ben. I have IBS. Oh, nice. Yesterday we did a show in Milwaukee and my stomach, no way.

Were you at the show? That's, were you on our train? And so at the show, what did I do at the show in Milwaukee? Someone gave me an ammonium, so I wouldn't shit myself on stage. Real story. Did you shit yourself? No, I was great.

The ammonium worked great. Awesome. Ammonium. It's for the butt. But you're not supposed to put it in your butt. Don't, nobody put ammonium in their assholes. It's not a surprise. You can try.

I'm pretty sure you put it in your butt. Have you been putting ammonium in your butt hole? It's worked. Okay. I'm basically, oh, fuck off. These letters. I'm basically a human shit bomb waiting to go off anyway. And basically everyone brackets even my fiance who was born there.

Get some kind of foodborne illness or diarrhea when they visit India. Not only that, but I'll be sharing one really one bathroom with like 10 people who are just meeting me for the first time and judging my wordiness to marry their beloved baby boy. I don't want my weak constitution to make a bad impression. What's going on there? What should I do? Fake sick and throw the trip.

So my arsehole shot. Option two. Off myself at a local chaiwala. What is that? Kill yourself at an Indian Starbucks, basically. You heard it from the crowd. That's the answer. It's not to have an applause when you suggest killing yourself.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Love. Crandis. Crandis, let's give it up for Crandis. That's a tough one. You got a you got a week. You got a week.

What would you go to India? What's going on? My stomach's been real. By the way, the past couple of months have been worse than it's ever been. But I would say it's life threatening. You would say, yeah, it's life threatening. My life is in shambles. That's good stuff.

Thomas, what do you think? Oh, no, no, no, no, I wasn't done. No, I wasn't. OK, what are you laughing at? It's funny how you said you had a disease that might kill you. Yeah, I just try to keep the positive energy going. Ben has like some shit that he wants to kind of want to talk about real thing. Let's get it out of your ass.

You're making a joke out of that. It's not funny, man. Like he's crunch disease. Do you have crunts? No, do you have Crohn's? Is that why you're doing this? No, I'm sorry to hear that. Sorry, what were you saying?

Sure. So this is where you're going to fall backwards. I would say I really don't want you to do it. You're going to fall back. He's going to fall backwards. Is it going to be worth it? The injury? I think it'll be funny.

Just for the podcast, for the podcast audience. Send it. Send it. He's too much. He's too much of a coward. He wouldn't. Send it. He wouldn't do it. I'll do it if one other of you promises to do it. I will. I'll promise to do it.

I will not. You know, you can lie, right? Thomas is good. I promise to do shit all the time. A promise, Thomas is a promise forever. I'll do it at the same time. Really? We're going to leave that.

This is a useless risk of injury physical bit for a podcast. We're going to hurt our head. We're going to hit our head. I wanted it to happen when it was just a mirror. I don't want to, I don't want to Tom. I don't want to hurt our head. Thomas has to film in like a couple of weeks, guys. Yeah, this is not worth it.

No, I don't. This isn't worth it, I don't think. Oh, I wish. Oh, I do have mine. We're going to hurt our head. Is this, is this worth it? This is kind of thrilling, right? It's not really worth it, but this is insane. I don't want to hurt our heads.

Before you do it, before you do it, you have to have like a, you have to have like a funny sentence to say. A funny in addition to the death that we're going to have. I'll say the, I'll say the shocking news. And then when you hear the news, you guys fall back. Yeah. Thomas, may I say, as someone who I tore with around the world,

I'd rather you didn't get hurt. You sure you want to do this? I mean, you can do it. I don't care. It'd also be really funny if you fell off the stage. That would be, that would be, why don't we just not do it? I wish I had the balls, because if everybody has their phone out.

All right. I don't think it's worth it. Do you really want to do it? At this one, you have to do it. I'm nervous. You, I'm not, I'm not telling you to do it. This is bad. I'm here to record it if you do, but I'm not telling you.

Are you really going to fall back? We're going to hit our heads. How? They need the blood. We should have never stopped talking about come. This is what happens when we stop. I don't want to do it, but I'll do it if you do it. It's going to hurt.

I don't, I can't look. Well, you, you, I will say you now, you, you made a mistake. Who wants to see them do it? You're an idiot. So either say no now and it be over. I'm not saying no. You're not saying no. All right, then Amir, you have to do it.

Are you really going to do it? If you say no, I won't, but I'm not saying no. No joke. This is how, this is how Clay tours ACL. All right, here we go. I don't want to do it. This is literally the same trick that Houdini did. I'm really fucking scared, Thomas. Just look at me the whole time, baby.

Are you going to do it? Okay, I'm going to count it down. Count it down. We'll see who does it. Are you going to do it? We'll see who does it. No, I don't want to do it. If you don't do it. I'll say a sentence.

I'll say a sentence. I'm fucking scared, Thomas. It's just taking too long. I don't want to do it. I'm almost going to go. I'm going to, I'm going to let Jake decide. Okay, ready? Here it comes. I'll let Jake decide.

Here it comes. Jake, should we do it or not? I'm really fucking scared, man. Ready? Here we go. Ready? No, I want Jake to weigh in. Jake, what do you say? I say no, but Jake, what do you say?

If he says no, I don't think I want to do it. I'm too scared to even say you should do it. Let's not do it. Let's not do it. Thomas should do it. What a dumb thing. What a dumb thing. Let me tell you, let me tell you something.

Let me tell you something that I realized halfway through that. Yeah, I mean, it was kind of like that whole buildup. It was kind of exciting. Think about how boring that will be for a podcast audience who cannot see anything that's happening. And also, and also, there are people who like risk their lives every day. And we're like, should we fall back on this collapsible chair? What if I, like, cracked my skull and this show must go on?

We wouldn't even let him run to the stage. We would just finish. I didn't know the password to your phone. That was a threat. So I would say I didn't see anything. I was laughing too hard. Well, I knew Thomas was going to do it because you chickened out. I knew he was going forward, which made me very happy.

That's all that's going to take. How did it feel? It was fine. Yeah, it didn't hurt. You look great. You didn't hurt yourself at all. No, no, come on. So this is what I would say to the question.

What was the question? I have a concussion. I would say that you definitely go on the trip. You definitely go on the trip. You can't let that affect your life. You can't let that derail your life. And I think there's one thing if there's one bathroom, see if there's another bathroom a little farther away.

There's like sometimes if you're in a room with a couple of people, whatever, and you don't want to use that bathroom, you use the lobby in a hotel. People have done that before, right? They're staying at a house with one toilet. I'm actually, I'm going to say it's a perspective shift. This is, if you're Swedish with IBS and you're going to India, this is the one chance that you can go 100% under the radar.

You can go there and just be like, I ate something, I ate something weird. And people will be like, that's standard. That happens all the time. It can be your IBS, but you're just, you're. Oh, so you're like, let's lean into it and fuck you in sight. You don't want to guzzle a fucking gallon of fountain water from a faucet.

You don't have to get food poisoning. No, I want her to fucking other people open like a fucking brown water tank. You're bleeding a lot from the base of your skull. You look bad. Your eyes are rolling back. That was unrelated. I had too much alcohol in addition to the falling backwards.

Right. That's why you do the fall in the first place. I have Jardia. Thomas, do you want to do it again? No, you're done. No, I don't want to do it again. Did it once. It was unimpressive enough.

I would say bring something to make the smell go away and maybe play a little music when you're in there and it could cover up all your disgusting farts. Yeah, get a good shit playlist for sure. Yeah, that's good. Just we're playing the shits, baby. 100, top 100 playlists. Very nice.

So it could be shallow from. How does that go? Sing it. No, I don't want to sing it. Get my guitar. All right. How does it go? Next question.

This one's hard to track. The answer or the shallow bit. The show. Yeah. What would you do? You would you go to India? Would you shit in the hole? What?

I just answered. You said. You really hit your head. I don't know where I am. You jumped on and talked about with me. We had a discussion. This guy tours the world and he's shitting in every. We had a shit break on the way here.

We sure did. Amir, we played Chicago three weeks ago. Weeks ago, weeks ago, weeks ago, weeks ago, weeks ago. Amir, wake up. Wake up. Amir. Amir. Amir, wake up.

My jizz is all over your pants. Tell me something, boy. That's what it is. Go, go. What are you doing? Go. Get to the chorus. I'm falling.

How does it go? Tell me something, Amir. Because I'm falling to deep end. Watch as I dive in. I'll never reach the ground. Stretch to the surface. Lady Gaga, I might as well be your man. Whoa, Lady Gaga, Bradley Cooper.

How did they know that my thing with that was Bradley Cooper? I'm sure someone's already made this joke, a good stand up. We're going to make this joke. But I was like, oh, she gets to the concert, right? I don't want to. I think the movie's very good. But he gets the concert, and then he's like, hey, remember that song you hummed to me yesterday?

I think we both know how it goes in full already. Ready? And also, exactly how we harmonized. Ready? Whoa. See, if we can do it, they could probably figure it out. That's probably true. Never mind.

There's no flaws in it. One more time for Crandis. Hey, what happened? I missed the end of that movie. What happened to Bradley Cooper? He ended up surviving at the end after he. Cool. Cool, dude.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is.

Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon. These digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me, personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child.

We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now. But they're great. Really easy way to stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame.

We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. Like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah.

Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes.

And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me

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OK, go get your parents something, all right? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious,

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that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional, licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.help.com. Slash, if I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thomas, do you have a 20-year-old male from Canada's name?

I'm the name? Do you have the name of someone who's a 20-year-old male from Canada? What are they saying? Kauai for Kauai Leonard, who just went for the Toronto Rapid. What'd you say? Kauai Leonard, is that what it is? He's not Canadian, but you can call him that if you want.

It's up to you to give him a perfect name. I mean, a real Canadian name would be like Ronnie McManigan or something. That's cool. Perfect. Why don't you give him a name like I'm going to make fun of you in a Jake and Amir video? Penis McOpen, Spready Burrito Boy,

with a Thousand Island dressing made of sauce. And then how do you make fun of him? Oh, I go, nice try, saucy. Damn you. They liked it. That was fun. Wait, Thomas, do a thick Canadian. Do a thick Canadian.

I'll do my best. Thanks, buddy. All right, Canadian, all right. Thick Canadian accent. Hello, Jake and Amir. I am a 20-year-old male from Canada. I do not know if my penis is circumcised or not. Stop.

Don't say anything else. Where are these fucking emails coming from? Canada. Because it feels like a generator. It feels like a comedy generator. I'm a 16-year-old having four sins in a shower. I'm a person that has IBS, but I'm going to India and going to try the spiciest foods.

I'm looking at my dick. I don't know if it's circumcised. Sorry, Thomas, continue. Keep in mind, the person that doesn't know this is circumcised or not is 20. We've established that. Yeah. Jesus.

It's had a long time to figure it out. Ask a question. Look at a picture online. No, but we'll find out. Oh, no. I have shown friends of mine, and we have nicknamed it the hybrid, because it looks as though it is a mix of being uncut and cut.

It's not fully wrapped, yet it looks like God forgot a piece down there. I feel like this is something I should know by my age. Yes. Yeah. Should I ask my doctor next checkup? What are you, fucking insane? Yes.

He's been so comfortable showing all of his friends. Here, here, Charlie, you look at it. My dad's a doctor. Do you want him to look at it? No. No. That's gay. Anyway, we asked him for a photo, so can we pull it off?

No, for real? No. Oh. I would be interested. We thought that would be sexual harassment to show a photo to an uncircumcised penis to a bunch of people. Or maybe circumcised. Maybe circumcised.

She's a hybrid. Or should I ask my doctor next checkup? Or should I simply ask my parents, which might be embarrassing? I have never gone far enough with a girl to give for her to give her input. Hmm. I figured two Jews would have expertise in this area. See?

Two and a half Jews. Thanks. Ronnie McMalligan, aka Kawai. Let's give it up for Ronnie. Okay. So this guy has a two skin of sorts, a half four skin. He's living in an in-between no man's land. I love when they turn on you.

I love it. Your own goddamn audience turning on you for a cheesy joke you probably had in your head 30 minutes ago. I have it written on a post-it on the back of my phone. Oh, shit, it pops. Yeah, it's cloth. It's tough to stick shit to that. There's jizz all over this case.

Thomas, pay for it. You passed it through Hurwitz, man. So yeah, his four skin is living in the, in the nether, in the underworld. That's right. A bottom skin, not a top, or maybe half the way through. What do you think? Do you think it, I mean, is it possible?

Either, I mean, look, bodies are all different. Maybe it grew half or maybe there was like a, I'm coming in. Whoa, slip. Oh, fuck it's half. Never mind. Run, run. Run, Kyle.

I told you I shouldn't have done it. You fucking dared me, dude. I don't like dares. I told you we shouldn't have snuck into this hospital. Frank Moyles. It's Ashton Kutcher as a Moyle. Dax Shepard pretending to be a rabbi. And this deleted scene from punk to 1999.

Yeah, it could be both, I guess. It's probably four skin that wasn't cut. And it's just very short is my assumption, correct? Short skin. Short, that's nice. Yeah, I like that. A half, a half, a half C. Well, that also though could explain why the parents don't know.

It's like it's a two skin. Thank you guys. Seven. Thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you guys. Two skin. It's like a two.

Don't be afraid to stand up. Don't be afraid to stand up. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That's off, dude.

I never. Thank you. Thank you. Two skin. Two skin. Two skin. Two skin. Two skin.

Two skin. I know. I never. I'm sorry. Sorry. I've never interrupted a chant. And sorry. Actually, I want to say.

I've never. Wait, wait. Let him talk. Let him talk. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right.

But let him talk. Wait a second. Sorry, Jake's interrupting me. I've never done this before, but I'd like to award you the golden mic. Ladies and gentlemen, that is Ben Schwartz's second golden mic. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh my God.

Oh my God. What? I've got a golden mic. I've got a golden mic. Sorry. So anyway, when I thought of the idea for two skin. I had it. Four skin is like a normal thing.

I had it. I had the idea for two skin. So anyway, I really appreciate you guys. I had the idea. Amir, shut up. Quiet. Thank you. I said.

Never give up on your dreams. Anything is possible. Two skin, two skin, two skin, two skin, two skin, two skin, two skin, two skin. Wow. Legendary joke. Legendary. Absolutely. Savage.

I had it. It was savage. That was totally savage. If you want to dab about it, you can absolutely feel free. I will sometime in the show. I fell backwards and I had two skin. Oh my God. There's a thousand dollar gift certificate on the bottom of this.

Awesome. How many of these do you have? Let's split it. I don't have any yet. Jake, how many do you have? I have 386. Thank you. Wow.

Anyway. That was entirely for the two skin or any other bits? No, my two skin joke crushed. Yeah. Two skin was awesome. That's what I'm saying. Ask your parents. Jake, Thomas.

Yeah. A quick, a quick, was I circumcised? I think he might have been circumcised as a kid or something and then outgrew his foreskin. That's why the parents don't necessarily know. They've seen the baby penis that had a normal sized foreskin, but now he's an adult man with a baby foreskin. Oh, that's cool. How many ears and foreskins don't grow?

Do you think it's also, conversely, do you think it's also a possibility he was circumcised and half of it grew back as a protest to kind of like a two skin shot up, dude? That's fucking. Joke thief. Joke thief. Joke thief. You're not a comedian. The audience is right.

That's a turd. I know you. I'm here for stealing Ben's joke. You just won yourself a turd. Do you guys want to hear it one more time? Okay. Show them how it's done. So this guy kind of has like a small foreskin, right?

And me, Ben Schwartz, I'm thinking, it's more like a two skin. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Chicago. He tried to take it. Thank you.

Thank you. Whoever gave it to me. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Thank you. You earned it, man. You earned it. I see you don't have a...

She doesn't want that back. That was anybody's award tonight, but Ben took it home for the... That's two for me. Two for me. How many for you, Jake? 386. How many for Amir? He has not won one yet, but there's always next episode.

There's always next episode to have it. Cool. Nice question. Yeah. I have a fucking ear infection from the fall. I cannot... I've been related. You had that already, man.

I didn't. I fell on a fucking caterpillar. I swear to God. My teeth feel soft. It's fucking weird, dude. I'm serious. That was another reflection you had earlier. Did you have any bad fit when you fell down, man?

No, I feel pretty good, actually. It's crazy. Thomas actually looks even better than he did. Your back looks realigned. Thanks. Yeah. Your posture's amazing. Thanks.

Yep. I feel pretty tight. I feel pretty good. I feel pretty flat. Tell me something! Shut the fuck up, dude. Get to the question. What's the letter?

Stop wasting people's time. What's the letter, dude? That letter. This one was email. This one was actually snail mail to us. Thomas is right. Read the scroll. Read the ancient tablets.

We need a British man's name from Leicester. Leicester Square. Mandroid? Mandroid? Man George. Oh, Man George. Like Boy George, but Man George. Man George.

Thank you. Leicester, right. Where is Leicester in England? North or the South? South. South. Okay. What is it next to?

Right. I don't know. Okay. I broke up with my ex about two years ago. Can I say something? Thomas is amazing at impressions or at accents. For real. I've done so, I've done a maybe, what have we done?

Maybe 500 shows together. Two million? Probably closer to two mil. You are so good at that. I'm terrible at that. You're always so good at that. I can't go on. I'm just telling everybody you're great.

A few months ago. Oh, you knocked it out of him. Yeah. He fucked up my game, dude. Sorry, dude. I broke up with an ex about two years ago. A few months after we broke up, I found out she had cheated on me with one of my best friends. A couple months after that, the person she cheated on me went to prison.

Cheated on me with went to prison. Oh, dear. Okay, so that's happened. First ball with two years and this guy has just been released early for good behavior and is invited to another close friend's birthday party. I obviously don't want to have anything to do with this coward roach who fucked my girlfriend. So what do I do? I like calling someone a coward roach.

This is a small party, like 10 people are going. Super small. That's a get together. Party is a strike. That's not a party, buddy. That's a fucking wine and cheese thing. Like 10 people are going, so I would be forced to interact with a convict. Should I turn up and beat the shit out of this turd?

Or should I say fuck you and not go at all? The hero's move. Your biggest fan from Leicester. What's this? What's this? Man George. Let's go to for Man George. All right.

Oh, Leicester. I think it's Leicester. Can you break it down for me one more time? Tell me what's happening. This guy, his girlfriend cheated on him with somebody that went to jail. And then that guy got released from jail and is going to a small get together. And this guy is either going to show up and beat him up or pass or not go. Those are the two options.

I'll let someone else start this one. I would pound this guy in the ass. With your fist, right? Oh, yeah. That's even better. Fists are here. Fists are here. These are fists.

These are fists. Are you thrusting your hips? Okay. Yeah. Welcome to the party. Turn around so I can pound your ass. With your fist. With your fist.

With my fist. How do you knead bread? Amir, show me how you knead bread with your hands. Knead bread. I need it. No, knead it. I need bread, please. No, no, no.

Kneading it. Kneading it. That was very funny, Amir. Where's the trophy? Buddy, you're a golden mic in my eyes. Is that worth anything? Well, I mean, it's nice. It's a nice compliment from Thomas.

It's not worth a golden mic. Oh, man. I just got out of jail because I fucked some guy's girlfriend. That's why you went to prison. Yeah. England's weird. Yeah. They're so proper.

So what's the... You deserve it. Thank you. I appreciate that for saying that. I wasn't talking to you. I was talking about the turdy. Yes. Amir, that was you from the future.

He's covered in shit. He sheds all over his pants. Don't forget to come. How do you treat your ex-girlfriend's new dude? Is it cool to be mean? Is it cool to be polite? Is it cool to not go to the party at all? It sounds like you shouldn't go to the party

because you're overthinking the party a lot, right? He's scared. He's also afraid of the convict. He's called him a coward and a roach and then said, fuck you and maybe I won't go. Like, he's putting a lot of his thoughts about himself onto the delinquent man. Here's the question.

The delinquent man is inherently scary a little bit, right? That's cool. That's a big question. What does that man go to jail for? That's true. Right. The tax evasion. A bit of tax evasion.

Go pound his ass. Go pound that ass. Go computer fraud. If it's murder one, stay awake. What's a cool thing to go to jail for? Oh, robbing a car. Going on a joy ride. What's a nerdy shit to go to jail for?

Tax evasion. That's cool. We'll go to jail for a D&D podcast. Jake, why'd you get pissed off? Take a breather, buddy. Because D&D is cool. Yeah, that's right. I'm Jake Hurwitz.

I like New York City, Dungeons & Dragons, and pussy. And that's what will be on his gravestone. I say we should tell him to go to the fucking... We'll keep this part out, but let's tell him to go to the party and beat this guy up and see if he does it. You think we go to the party and beat him up? Yeah, we buy first class. No, I say let's fucking say,

you should go to the party and beat this guy up and then we'll see if he fucking does it. The glint in your eye. It's so intense. So I think he should beat this guy's ass. Whoa, Jesus, I'm here. What do you think? You said the secret quote-unquote into the microphone.

I figure we'll cut that part out. We're gonna have to cut this part out, too. Okay, starting now. I say this guy beats this guy's ass. Amir Christ. Okay, all right, that's one for pro-beating. Okay, so we'll cut out our reaction to it also. Yeah.

Actually, let's just get wild lines of you guys saying, yeah, woo, whatever, and then I'll use that. I don't want to do that. Okay. So I'll try to get it naturally from you by saying some shit that you do like. What are your thoughts on pussy in New York? Oh, I love it.

Yeah, beat his ass. That's great. Can you use that? Is that usable? I think we can use it even though the audience was a little messy. It dirtied it up a little. Sure.

Sorry. Without you guys saying anything, what are your thoughts on pussies and dungeons? They're great, man. I don't want to do this anymore. That's awesome. We got it. We got it.

I'll shut out the, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't think you can. It goes in pretty smooth. Amir, you have dug a 12-foot hole for yourself. That's really good. Can we get that clean? But say, I fucking want this guy to beat this guy's ass. I didn't say that.

I said, you've dug a hole so big, you can't get out. One might even say it's a deep hole and not shallow. Hated Amir. I'm falling. And stopping Amir. Okay. I would say don't go to the party. Don't go at all.

No. Isn't living well the best revenge? You try to act like it's no big deal. What's up, dude? How was prison? Whatever. I'm so personal to you. It's insane.

I wrote the mail. That's why it was snail mail? The guy got off for good behavior. There's something there, right? Like he's a good, he's a good boy now. Maybe Christian. So you can, you can go to the party and tease him for that. That's not cool.

You could also go to jail for things that you weren't responsible for. There's a hundred of you. Remember why this guy could be just a wonderful. Maybe it's a Shawshank scenario. Yeah. Maybe it's Tim Robbins. Maybe it's actually Tim Robbins. He killed, he actually, he was in jail for, for murder.

Right. Yeah. But he didn't kill the person. Didn't he? No. Okay. I never saw it. You never saw Shawshank?

Shawshank is amazing. Waste of time. No way. It's such a good move. Dude, get TNT. It's on every five minutes. Um, what if, what do you think the chances of a, of a roach convict as that man calls him?

Don't worry. It's not my words. I mean, he'd just be like, Hey, I'm, I'm sorry. I know what it did. I'm sorry. And then he, then the anger melts away and he goes, uh, it's okay. That's, I mean, that sounds nice. Yeah.

And then you, Is that what he might secretly be hoping for? Is all this just a, I just want an apology. He might just want an apology. Maybe write an email or a call the guy before the party then and see if you can get it. Hey man, you going to his fucking party. You are. Oh fuck off.

What do you want to say? No. Oh, watch out. I'm going to get you. This guy's also been through so much since he fucked your girlfriend. That's probably just not really on his mind. Oh yeah. Right.

Like he fucked your girlfriend, but then he went to jail. So like you win already. There's a scenario. There's a scenario you get to the party and you know, he's tough looking. You're like, Oh man, he's just gotten more intimidating. Or there's a scenario where he has that thousand yard stare of just been like, I went there to jail. I didn't like it.

He wants to go back to jail so little that you can really get in his face and he won't do anything. Yeah. Cause that's like, he'll just. He's already been to prison. Yeah. He knows the consequences. Yeah.

He knows what's going on. And that's when you fucking turn him around. All right guys. All right. I was going to say pound his ass. I know what you were going to say. I stopped you to stop. So I, you know, I knew exactly what you were going to say and show me how you pound his

ass real quick. Yeah. Get up. Take your time. Don't put your phone back in your pocket. I know everybody in here. How are you? Turn around you little prison bitch.

Okay. And then what do you do? And then I pound his ass. Let people know that he is, you're having sex with a man. By the way, this guy could be a good dude. Maybe they just need to talk it out. Do you want to sit down? Sorry about that.

How many questions do you guys do 20? 21 questions. 25. We actually only have time for one more question. If you guys do have time for one more question. Also, I just got to say, you know, let it go. Let it go. The girl, she, the girl, she was either unhappy or looking for something else and needed something

else or it's this guy. It happened. You're not asking the questions. Why? What does this happen? What do they need to do? What's going on? You just, you just, your ego gets hurt.

You say, fuck you. I hate you. You betrayed me. It's all about me. This guy goes to jail. Hey, man. You're not even asking the questions. Ask the why.

And then let it go. You're an adult, you fucking prick. Let it go. He may not even know that she had a boyfriend. He may not even know that she had a boyfriend. Exactly. And but not even to, you know, and then, but then you can't even make her the villain because like life's complicated.

Some million shades of gray. You know a 50 in fact. 50 what? Shades, baby. Gray. That's cool. Then this last lady is a 23 year old, a 23 year old lady from Columbia, Columbia, Ohio. I was going to the death danger Columbia, Latin America, Columbia, the country, Columbia,

Columbia. Sure. She gives us explicit permission to do a bad accent. So got it. That's fine. Do you have a 23 year old Colombian ladies name? Yeah. It's a Charleep.

C-H-A-R-L-E-E-P. Don't need to know how it's spelled. That's not important. Charleep, middle name, uh, crowned, C-R-O-W-N-D-E. Don't need to know how it's spelled. You got it. Didn't even need a middle name. Charleep, crowned.

Crowned, um, gotcha. Hold on. It's Charleep, crowned, gotcha. Yep. And the accent should be dead on. And for her accent, let's go dead on. This is last question, Thomas. Holy shit.

Hi. I am a 23 year old Columbia. Oh no. I fucked it up. I am a 23 year old lady from Columbia. Yes, you have fans here in Latin America too. Nice. I live with a roommate right now who happens to be a 24 year old dude.

This is terrible. You can bail whenever you want. No. Okay. That shows, that shows that I'm afraid of you all. And I'm not. We've been friends. We've been friends for 10 plus years now.

I really love this guy and we get, uh, we get along really great. We really got in a sticky situation and we need your help. Now as, uh, now as we've been friends for a while, we are familiar with each other's families who also get along great. They even made a family tradition to always ask us why we weren't in a relationship yet and all that shit. Billy, you lost all of fucking money. White man can't jump.

White man can't jump. We did a lot. Who is at the show? I like that. The problem is we love seizing the same kind of cheese. Hey. Hey. Meaning he's gay and that's fine by me.

But no one in his family or mine knows the problem is this. One day tired of the same old, why not GF interrogations? He asked me to be his pretend GF being a girlfriend. I did. The thing is we got ourselves stuck in a life forever kind of situation and his grandmother gave him this family engagement ring for me. Oh. Ideos meal.

Hey, Amir, stop. It's really offensive. It was so offensive. Thomas, please. You're about to get a second tour. Jesus Christ. Amir, I went to two years of theater school. So he fakes proposed at a family dinner last week and I fakes said yes.

That's in caps, by the way. I really don't know why or how we took it so far, but now our question is do we keep lying forever? Do we fake an elopement so we don't have to pay for a fucking wedding? Is it better to pretend we broke an engagement and deal with family drama? We wait for fake divorce. Help. My fake husband to be wrote this with me because we both love the part and we listen to it.

Oh. In Columbia, you guys have fans in Columbia. Too. But yeah. I do you the honor. It was mine entirely. That's really nice. Thank you, Thomas.

And thanks to what's her name for writing in Charlie. I don't remember. It was Charlie crowned. Gotcha. Gotcha. This sounds like a fun plot to a movie a little bit. Yeah. Fake wedding.

Oh, yeah. Fake kids, fake family. You can't have a wedding. The thing is, it was a real engagement ring and she said, you didn't fake it, you are engaged. Is that true, by the way? I wonder, well. I mean, there's not like laws, but like social norms are you are engaged.

It's not a lie anymore. What about a fake wedding? That's not that bad. You can't. It's too expensive. It's just so, that's too much. You have to stop before the wedding. I had a plan of wedding and I barely wanted to do it and it was real.

I wouldn't have the effort. I wouldn't want to do that for a fake thing. That's too much effort for your prank. It's such a big lie to tell everybody that not only did you not tell them about your sexuality, but the other thing is that we've lied to our entire family for so many steps. That's such a big bomb to drop. I don't know. You got Hugh Grant there.

He's like, what? And Emma Thompson's like, I don't know. What do we do now? When you put it like that, that sounds awesome. That's a fun day. Yeah, that's a good day. Are you casting it? Yeah.

Definitely go British. Did you say Hugh Grant and Emma Watson? Emma Thompson. Oh, okay. Right, because that would have been really, that's like kind of fucking crazy, right? Because Hugh Grant's like 60 something. Yeah. Anyway.

58, yeah. 50? 58. 58? No way. He's 58 years old. He's 62. Here it comes.

Ready? How old is Hugh Grant? I got it. He's going to be 58. He has to be. Stop talking. He has to be 58. Don't even fucking double check.

If he's 58, you can pound me in the ass. Oh my God. Can it, may I? Ask Siri. Let's hear the answer. Ready? Siri, how old is Hugh Grant? Hugh Grant is 58.

I'm so nervous. I just, just for anyone at home, Jake is facing away from Amir. Amir has a very tightly clenched fist. And you may be thinking, you may be thinking, oh, there's a podcast. We won't see it. Sorry, 100 people have their phones out. We told you you couldn't take any pictures or videos. You can absolutely take pictures and videos of this.

That's so, what's happening? He's going to get pounded. He deserves it. He was 58. I was too confident. And you were fucking right. He was 58. I was chiming the butt or whatever happened.

Everybody, everybody old is 58. I heard the noise of your fist hitting his ass. It went inside it a little bit. Emma Thompson is 61. Take your pants off. Well, Thomas is doing the forever dab. I'm going to let you peg me at Emma Thompson 61. All right, here we go.

Siri, how old is Emma Thompson? Emma Thompson is 60. Now, Amir, you get pegged. Wait, what's her birthday? Really close. That was some high-stakes celebrity age guessing. Jesus Christ. It was cool that she said 60.

Yeah, I stopped. My heart fucking skipped a beat. I'll never be the same. I would have done it. I would have used the mic stand. I know. Jesus. I swear to God.

I've never been more excited for hearing 58. That was so titillating. That was ludicrous. Did you know that for a fact you guessed? I play a game called Who's 58. You do. I do. We played this game before.

Wait, who else is 58? Well, that's the thing. We guessed for about an hour and a half at a bachelor party. Nobody got it right. He's Antonio Banderas 58. I don't. I think he came up and he's not. Antonio Banderas is 58.

Let's go, boys. Let's go, boys. I hate this game. Let's go, Ben. One time. Let's hear it. Get pounded when you got it right. Why would I ever play this game again?

I can't believe we're two for two. I feel alive. This is why we fight, man. This is why we're over there. This is why we're over there. Christ almighty. So we can play guessing people's 58 age and then punch our friends in the asshole. That was a good hit.

It was a direct punch. I don't pull punches. I don't pull them. The fact that Siri says it out loud was a cool thing. Jake, do you want to have a guess? Or are you just like, you're our prize? Ben, do you want to guess? Jake's a pinata to us.

I do like games. I do like games. Three for three. If it goes three for three, I'll stage dive. If it's three for three, I'll stage dive. They don't want it. And they're far away and I will hurt myself. You'll definitely hurt yourself.

I'm so certain it won't happen. I'm so certain. It's such a hard specific number. I know it's very hard. I'm trying to say 58. Don't say nobody say anything. I want to try to see if I get it. I don't want to do the pounding.

I don't want to hurt anybody. You're right. Amir will jump off the stage. That's going to hurt yourself. Way more people. All of them. I see like 10 people in the front row that do not want to catch Amir.

Oh, they're actually, they're down. Oh, well, no, you're sort of going like this. That's, yeah, that's a universal. I'm not going to do it. I don't have one off the top of my head. It's hard. Think of who was born the same day as Hugh Grant. That's how I did it.

Yeah. Yeah. That's a good tip. Just think like who else is born on the same day? Deris is a great poll, by the way. I don't know how you did that. What about Ernie Hudson? Who?

Ernie Hudson from Ghostbusters? Oh, give it a try. I think he's a little older, but go for it. Maybe he is. I don't think it's going to work. You don't have to go Siri. How old is Ernie Hudson? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Not a good start. How old is Ernie Hudson? Ernie Hudson is 73. Oh, Jesus Christ. Kill yourself. Jake, you have one? Wait, how old is John Stockton? Oh, that's 70.

70. John Stockton is 57 years old. What was that? John Stockton? John Stockton. Great guess. No, no, no. He's too old.

Who? George Clooney. How old is George Clooney? George Clooney is 58. Punch Jake, punch Jake, punch Jake, punch Jake, punch Jake. Unbelievable. Let's go, boys. That is our editorial assistant that punched my ass.

Jake, do you have one? How old is that bear? How old is Charlie Sheen? How old is Charlie Sheen? Charlie Sheen is 53. We had a Pierce Brosnan guess from Riley. How old is Pierce Brosnan? How old is Pierce Brosnan?

Pierce Brosnan is 66. That's ancient for Pierce. He's doing great. Double or seven, damn. Great looking good. This could be the entire podcast, but I don't know. I'm having so much fun. I don't know when to cut it off.

We're previewing the next headgum podcast. Yeah, who's 58? Who's 58? Where did we go from there? So, Daniel Day-Lewis. We absolutely peed. We peed George Clooney. No, Daniel Day-Lewis.

You want to say him? Yeah, I'll throw down DDL. He's probably a little bit young. No, well, he was last on the Mohicans, which was a while ago. Daniel Day-Lewis is 62. Fuck. The misses are obvious and they hurt.

Eddie Murphy is 58. Do you want to punch my ass? Meet me after the show. The meet and greet is just a series of people punching Jake in the rectum. People are on Wikipedia? Yeah, fucking, I don't know. Show Matt and manager of the race, anyway.

Oh, all taint. Don't go through with a marriage. Is that safe to say? Don't get the wedding. Of course don't have the wedding. Her question was, should we live a lie forever? Typically, not a good idea. No, you should just tell everything.

Say the truth. If he wants to, if this gentleman wants to. I'm all for honesty, but I get the predicament. If he doesn't want to, then you know, he can think about it. Yes, up to him. But if he's like, I want to, but I don't want to, whatever, you should say.

I don't know. They say it's not going to work out and they say why and they say, because I'm fucking gay. How old is Simon Cowell? Oh, good question. How old is Simon Cowell? Simon Cowell is 59.

You fucking loser. We got to get one more. It's such a great feeling. Randy Jackson. Randy Jackson is 62. We got a Julia Louis Dreyfus from back there. How old is Julia Louis Dreyfus? Julia Louis Dreyfus is 58.

Punch his ass, punch his ass, punch his ass, punch his ass. That was a great show. Thank you. Did you guys have fun? Thank you, Chicago. Thank you, Thomas. And thank you, Ben, Riley and Jeff. George Clooney, Antonio Banderas, Julia Louis Dreyfus,

Eddie Murphy. We'll keep the golden mic. Good night, Chicago.