If I Were You - 388: Drake's Wallet

Episode Date: June 24, 2019

In this episode we discuss pre-marital problems, MMF threesomes, and porn blogs.For more "If I Were You" check out our bonus Thursday video episodes on our Patreon!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Hi. Haha. Big like Jake's mom. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Hi. Big like Jake's mom's cookies. These two golden eyes. Jokes at the ass in the sketchy. Don't know the rules you wrote. Ask advice. You never need to ask them twice.

They'll get it right like rice. They'll get it in like Mike. They don't want to fight. These two Jews are nice. Don't need a first class fight. Jake got the golden mic. They got the golden life. They got the golden sight.

I was born in text. Problems with my sex. Get it off my chest. See what you suggest. You are always right. And usually a guess. Yeah. All I really want to hear is a game boy.

I don't really need a mirror. I need a game boy. All the cut needs is a game boy. Yeah. I got problems with my ex. Yeah. Busted on her flute. Yeah.

Coming on her instruments. Yeah. That's what I do. I got weird ass problems. These two Jews are gonna solve it. I'm a Koi boy. I better not. I'm a Koi boy.

I'm a Koi boy. I'm a Koi boy. I'm a Koi boy. I better not kick it. Season that cheese like I'm Wallace Grimes. Yeah. If I were you. Yeah.

What would I do? If I were you. What would I do? Yeah. If I were uh uh. If I were shit. If I were what would I do? Yeah.

Yeah. If I were uh. God damn, God damn. Okay. I'll be right back. Yeah. Wow. That's right.

Savage. That was made by former intern. Headgum intern Jake. Really. part of a rap crew. Rhymon Xyman, they say. Yeah, or Rhymon Xyman, depending on how you pronounce it. It's definitely Xyman, because it rhymes with.

Rhymon. Yeah, yeah. If you don't mind shouting us out, they have a new album coming out June 19th, which has just happened. And you can find it on Spotify or Apple Music under J.Crew, but crew is spelled C-R-U. C-R-U, J.Crew.

They're also on Instagram as J.CrewRaps. Nice. I feel like we could go on tour with him, right? Well, that was a Cardi B parody of Cardi B's money. Yeah. But he does have original songs. But was this using us in the background as the woos and stuff? It sounded like I couldn't tell if it was our voices.

So you want to be the guy on stage next to the rapper that goes, what, what, what? Woo, woo, woo. I'll be the woo. Yeah. I could also do the fart noises at the end of that one. Like, pfft. Yeah.

Pfft. Imagine being that guy for Eminem. The guys? And just keep on farting instead. How does the crew work? Like Drake's on stage partying, and then a couple of his mans are there. Right.

So are they on the payroll? Do they get paid every two weeks? Or is it like, hey, Drake, can I get $25,000? And he's like, yeah, don't worry about it. Talk to that other guy that handles my money. I feel like they're basic. I would imagine they're on payroll. So he has an LLC or a C-Corp?

Yeah. I mean, he has money managers or something. It's like, this guy is in the family now. So take care of him. Does he get benefits? I don't think he gets dental. Yeah. But he gets probably vision and health.

I feel like he gets in-network PPO type shit. That's cool. So Drake's like, yeah, yeah, don't forget to choose your plan. Don't forget to choose your plan today. He's like, you can't see a specialist. That's that PPO shit. That's cool. You want to chip with a dip, so don't bring no plane chips.

What is that about? That's about winning a championship somehow. That he wants the chips with a dip. So winning a championship is called the chip. But when he says he wants the chips with the dip, that doesn't mean anything. Right. So he's like, I want a championship with the dip.

Don't bring me a plane championship. Don't forget the dip. So he's the dip. I feel like he's the dip. Yeah. So he's like, the chip was good. Like, we're going to party with the chip, but it's special because I brought it to Canada,

is how Drake fuses it. Yeah, I come to think of it. They don't need health care because it's universal health care in Canada. Oh, that's true. So they're on the payroll, and then the government pays for it through taxes. No, that's great.

But what does the man have to do if he's part of a posse? Where do you think he keeps his cash? Because he also has a residence in California. Yeah, I would think he supports the arena. So it's Scotiabank Arena. So he keeps the majority of his cash in Scotiabank. And then he has some of it peppered around, mutual funds. And he has like a portfolio where he's making money on it.

Does he ever use a debit? I guess he has a debit card. He has to have a debit card. Yeah. Does Drake have a wallet? Yeah, he has a wallet. Or does he just have like a credit card? Or does he have to be a guy?

Yeah, he's got to have a guy. Yo, you're my wallet now. You got dental. So you're my wallet. That's good. That's a good Drake impression. You think so? You think you're my wallet?

Yeah, I hate it, but it's pretty good. Yo, so my man over here is my wallet. Yeah, all you can say is wallet. Yeah, that's all I can say is wallet. Yeah, I feel like any other word would trip you up if it didn't end on wallet. So do you know my man over here, he plays my wallet? Yo, put the cash in your mouth, wallet.

Yeah, that's good. That's good. So yeah, I would be Drake's wallet. Would you be Drake's wallet for basically exactly whatever you're earning annually now? So he has a wallet. But you don't really have to hustle anymore. No nudging agents, no meeting with podcasts,

no working on scripts, no taking sponsored ad deals, no hosting shows. All I do is walk around Drake. You're always with Drake, so you're eating lavish meals, you're going on cool vacations. You have a lot of really interesting experiences, but you have no creative outlet. You are Drake's wallet.

It's a better job than some other guys. One other guy is Drake's toilet. The other guy is- You're my toilet. And you're my loofah. And you're my loofah. Yeah, and you're my wallet. Right, you're like, that's pretty good.

But I'm also a comedian and a writer. No, no. And I started a podcast coming. Forget that fam, you're my wallet now. Why don't you eat this loonie, eat this toonie? Would you do that? Yeah. That hurts, that sucks for me to hear.

I get to fly on the OVO jet, right? You would get to fly on the OVO jet. But we would, our partnership would dissolve. Headgun would be me and Marty. And my life would be me and party. Yeah, well it wouldn't, yeah, you would be partying. But you're not like- He would shove fucking dollar coins up my ass.

And I would keep it there for so long. I really know, I just meant you would hold his cash. Oh. Ha ha ha. Sorry, so I'm not like a human piggy bank for all this. No, he's not putting coins in your ass. Yeah, so he'd be like, which slot do you pick? I want you to pick the slot and I'll put it in my wallet.

You saved it with wallet. I want my chips with a dip. I would be Jake's, Drake's fucking condom for a dollar a year. Wow. See, he keeps me in his wallet. I'm literally inside of the other guy that he's chosen. Oh, I see. And then when he's ready to have sex,

I'm the condom. Which is probably a lot. Yeah. It's probably a whole lot. I have to be the guy, the go-between. So he, you know, wears me and I am his. Well, that's kind of cool because you would be having sex more.

Yeah, and I bet I can have like lobster whenever I want. Right. But it must be easy to take advantage of Drake because the guy who's his wallet can always steal. Like, did I give you a million, a two million yesterday? I bet there's been too many cautionary tales of that stuff happening though. Like, now he-

So Drake's in charge of his money? I don't, I don't think, I think he has too much money that he like watches it. But I feel like he's got like a team, like he has a firm of like 12 people looking after his money. Oh, so that way one person can't steal it. Right. And those people aren't like, yeah.

Like, and they're not, he's not paying them. He's just like paying them a commission on what they earn and what they manage and what they bring back on the return. That's what I would imagine. God, it must be hard to be like really, and he's not even like as rich as Jay-Z, who's a billionaire, like who's handling that cash?

Yeah. I mean, many people. Yeah, that's cool. Actually, Drake started out as Jay-Z's toilet. Really? Yeah, that's how he like broke into the business. Oh, yeah, that's interesting. M&M was Dr. Dre's plunger.

No shit. Yeah, for I think a year. And Dr. Dre would just like pick him up and sort of shove his head into the bottom of the toilet. He would give him a swirly to unclog the lock. Toilet, yeah. Wow.

But then in between he'd be like, my name is, my name is. The cadence of that beep started. Yeah, in between. Dre would plunge the toilet so rhythmically that it was hard not to just kind of like spit bars to it. Brainer, brainer, brainer. I think this is what the defiant ones was about.

Did you ever see that documentary? I did. It was great. Yeah. Great doc. Do you like diarrhea? Yeah, the first pass of that is like, it's all about like Dre's gut health.

All right, what is this? This is if I were you. The Only Advice podcast on the web hosted by me, I'm here. Me, I'm Jake. We're back from Chicago. Shytown, baby. If you want to see how much fun we had,

listen to the last episode. It's me, it's Jake, it's Ben, it's Thomas. They came out as us. What a world. In five good minutes at the top. Great. It's a great show. Great show, great weekend.

Thanks to everyone who were coming out, not only to our show, but to head come live in general. Yeah, thanks to the kids who stayed and party. Came all weekend. It was so dope. I want to do it again. How was your weekend food-wise? Did you eat healthy?

Did you eat poorly? Did it hurt your stomach? I slid into shittiness, but I felt like it was the correct pacing. The first day, I ate healthy. Yeah, that's good. And the second day, I ate- Ate wealthy.

I work, so I went on, I want to run first day, right? So before anything happens. Yeah, I'm like, I think this weekend's gonna be garbage. So I had a healthy breakfast before I left. I got there. Like, I don't have to be at the venue for another two hours. I went on a nice long run of the lake

down the river, came back, had a salmon salad. This is like- It's funny to hear you describe this knowing that you'd be puking in 14 hours. Yeah, you're running around. You're having a salmon salad. Things are good.

I obviously, I do the NAD Podge show. I get a little buzzed after the show. We get some drinks with people who came out. I get a little drunk. I wake up. I'm not feeling 100%. I'm like, oh, okay, I gotta take it easy today. But my brother calls me.

He's in the gym. At 8 a.m. I was like- And he was drunker than you. No, it was 10 a.m. Yeah, he was drunker than me. And I was like, I don't know if I want to do anything today. I just want to like, veg out till my show.

But he calls, he's in the gym. I'm like, damn. Is that a Micah thing or like a 25 year old thing? Or like, yeah, I can get really, really drunk and then also work out at 10 in the morning. I think it must be a 25 year old. Like Micah did not. He was in bad shape.

He didn't want to work out. He was like, I came to the gym to check it out, but it's pretty great. I think I might work out. I don't know if I can. I get there. He's like, okay, I don't feel like working out either. Let's just do like vanity muscles.

Easy, easy workout. But we like went on a run on the treadmill. Just like, all of a sudden we started- Really hard to do when you're hungover. But then we started sweating a little bit. And we feel awful. And we're like, but we do a hard workout. And then it's like, should we do abs?

I'm like, no, let's skip it. And he's like, yeah, we should skip it. He tricked you in. He said, just vanity muscles. And then he did core and then a sprint. It was a full body. And then at the end, he's like, we're like, it's like, I have a pretty good sweat.

I feel like if we get like really get drenched, we'll feel a lot better. So like, he's slowly baiting you into a CrossFit class. We ended with like, you know, like the ropes. We were like swinging the ropes just like- High intensity. Yeah, the kind of, I was like lying on the floor in a puddle of sweat.

The kind that makes you nauseous even if you weren't hungover. Even if I wasn't hungover. And you were already dehydrated. I was already, and I went to my room and I was like burping the whole entire way. I got to my room. I puked in the bathroom.

But after that, then I took a shower and I felt amazing. So it's like you, you did the puking when you were too drunk but a day later. Yeah, exactly. And it was after a workout. And then I had a nice healthy lunch. Just for repeat the process. But then that salmon salad.

That night was where it all went to shit because then I got deep dish. Then I got drunk. Next day we got a nice big brunch with the whole team and plus the dough boys. There was no working out that day. No. And then that next day I also had deep dish.

And then at like 7 p.m. I was like, I'm gonna get trashed tonight. I realized I didn't have a show. I'd have one beer. On a Sunday. On a Sunday. I was like, I had one beer. And I was like, I'm gonna take it easy. But then I had one beer and I was like, I don't have,

I have no show. I'm gonna celebrate the weekend. I'm gonna get sauced. Did you get sauced on Sunday? Stayed out till 2 a.m. Wow, on a Sunday. On a Sunday. Like how go popping off on a Sunday?

No, but we had like a really fun like team drink with some folks from Megan Baton's show. Yeah, they were drunk. The squad. Yeah. The young guns from head gum. Marty wouldn't stay out. No, I was falling asleep like at midnight.

I was exhausted from the weekend. Right, did you go home right after the final show? Shortly thereafter, yeah. You did not get another drink with anybody? No, got no. What did you do? I had an 8 a.m. flight. Oh.

I got to wake up at 6.30. But Jeffrey had an 8 a.m. He was on your flight and he did a fucking power hour at like 9 p.m. Yeah, I don't get that. I don't understand that. But I guess maybe it's an age thing. Maybe it's a cool guy thing.

But I'm like, I don't want to feel about at 6 in the morning. Right. And it's not like it was a party festival. It was just like a intimate green room, power 20. Yeah, but it was like kind of fun because it's camaraderie, it's bonding. Yeah.

Did you get sauced on Saturday? Saturday more so than Sunday, yeah. But I wasn't like completely out of control. What was like the hardest you went Friday or Saturday? Saturday during our show. During, right, because you were drinking during the show, drink after the show, went to the bar. That's right.

What did you do late night Saturday? I probably stayed at that other, the first bar to like one or two and then went home. No food. No food, because I had eaten alzbeef the previous day and I was still feeling kind of sick to myself. You had that drunk food when you were dead sober. 1 p.m.

4 p.m. 4 p.m. You land in Chicago, you go straight to alzbeef. That's right. With the Doe Boys. Yeah, you can hear about that on their podcast, which is also out. I think, I don't know how many of the

Headgum Live podcasts are out, but I think Gabriel's is out. Yeah, the Power Hour is out. Doe Boys is out. Isn't Nicole's show out? Yeah, maybe that comes out next week. I think I did see it out. The NAD pod shows out, listen to them all.

We had such a good time. That'll convince you to come to wherever we host the next Headgum Live Fest. Ooh, shortlist includes, should we name the cities we're considering, like an Olympic committee? That's fun. Then you can lobby. Right, lobby.

And if you don't hear your city, you should lobby too. That's right. So the shortlist was Toronto. I believe there was, it was Toronto, Atlanta. Yeah, I'll throw in the Bay Area to that. San Francisco. The San Francisco Oakland area. There was, oh, somebody mentioned Miami. Boston.

Miami and Boston. Miami and Boston. Big cities. Yeah, and then I threw out London. I think we'll do it in London. Whoa. That's, it's a big undertaking. Yeah.

We brought, I don't know how many people we like ended up bringing to Chicago, and if you include podcasters. Podcasters. I mean, we didn't buy their flights specifically, but. Yeah, that's gonna be a pricey one. Maybe we'll save that for the year after next, the London one. Chicago, Toronto, London seems like a natural evolution.

We're getting further and further away. I like that. I mean, Toronto in the summer, it would have been amazing if it was in Toronto. During the parade, either that or nobody would come to our show. Right, no one would have come to our show. Just during the parade, there's a giant float.

So anyway, this person writes, can we close the door? They're crowd surfing. Kawhi is hosting a pod. Could you imagine a Kawhi Leonard podcast? Is there, who's an NBA player that you would want to either host a head gum show or get on your podcast the most? CJ McCollum has, for the Blazers, has a podcast that's pretty darn good.

It's a basketball podcast. So you think there's a chance that you guys could do some crossover? Yeah, a little CJ McCollum buckets collab, I think would be a great idea. He's very well-spoken and funny. Kevin Love is also very funny. I'd like to talk to him.

I like that. We could talk about his body transformation too. What's his body transformation? He used to be a chubby, fatty, doughy guy with a chin strap beard, and now he's shredded to the point of almost being too skinny. Wow. Dude's fucking, he's hot.

He's hot and he's ripped. Yeah. Yeah, so we would talk about that. Cool. All right, let's get to some questions and answers. After all, this is an advice show. We need a fake female name to refer to this lady as. Okay, let's say,

let's go with cities that there's no chance we'll do head gum live in ever. Okay. Philadelphia. That's a pretty big one. You wanna cross off right off the top. No, no, no, you're right. We should do like fucking cities

that really don't have a fucking shot. St. Louis. That's pretty big. That's a pretty big one. It's a pretty big one, but I feel like would we ever do it? What about a city that sounds like a lady's name? Okay.

Like Port St. Lucy. Lucy St. Port, yeah. Okay, sure. Lucy St. Port, right? Cheyenne. That's good, Cheyenne is good too. I'm a day oneer, but I'll get spiked to the question. I've been dating this guy for five years

and we moved in together a year ago and our sex life has completely died like an armadillo on the side of a highway. In April, he proposed and I said yes because it was the next step for our relationship. Always good. But now I can't bring myself to do any wedding planning stuff and dread the thought of getting married.

A few weeks ago, I messaged this guy who runs a porn blog I was a fan of and things have kind of escalated from there. What I thought would be some harmless flirting and telling him I was a fan has turned into nonstop sexting on kick and sending dirty pictures, videos, and audio recordings back and forth. Kind of escalated.

We've even faced time to help get each other off. Kind of. But he lives on the other side of the state and is married so there's nothing that can actually happen between us, right? Should I feel? They live in Rhode Island. Should I feel guilty about this?

Like, is there any more wrong? Is this any more wrong than watching porn or cam girls? My fiance has no desire to touch me anymore and if I don't actually, and I don't actually touch another guy, does it count as cheating? Also, should I call off the wedding? I'd love to know y'all's thoughts.

Thanks a bunch, Lucy. This needs to be addressed. That's where we'll start. Call off the wedding? I don't think it has, I mean, not necessarily, but like, you guys should not get married under these circumstances. You shouldn't dread it. Right.

You're not, it's not gonna, you're not gonna get married and things will get better. If anything, it gets more complicated and expensive and hard to get a divorce. I'm not saying don't get married, but definitely don't get married without addressing the issue. I wonder if some of the weddings that we've been to in our lives,

somebody was dreading it and we just didn't know. Cause everyone looks happy, but like imagine like being lifted up on a chair, but like, oh shit, what am I doing? This is fucking a huge mistake. Yeah, I don't, I would imagine that even people we knew that were dreading it had a good time at their wedding. Cause it's a party.

Your friends are there, you get drunk, you definitely get swept up in the emotion. I was not dreading my wedding, but even, even like the like tiny bits of anxiety it had about certain parts of my, like I was nervous to do my first dance. It was like, shit, that's gonna be like, I don't know, I don't want everybody to look at me.

I don't know how to dance. But then like, when you're in the moment, it's beautiful and fun and nice. So you're saying despite that, despite being dreadful, you might be able to hide it. But you shouldn't. Right, I got like, I don't think, yeah, yeah, exactly. And I actually told Jill before

that I was nervous about the first dance. So really be communicative. I just think that like, this is such a big problem. If your sex life is this bad, is this dire, that it's got you like having a pseudo, a cyber affair that you need to figure it out before you commit to somebody for the rest of your life. That's it.

And in terms of fucking someone on kick, I don't know, I talked about this before, but I always say it's so weird that people need to quantify it as cheating for them to believe it's wrong. Like I don't think this is like, regardless of what you call it. It's not traditional cheating, sure. You obviously shouldn't be doing it.

And it could easily result in the end of your engagement and relationship. Best case scenario, congrats, it's not cheating. However, you're dreading a marriage to someone you don't like anymore and you're fucking someone else on the side. You did not meet the standard of cheating, but other shit's really bad.

Yeah, also, what do you think a guy who runs a porn blog I was a fan of? Like this girl's watching porn and she's like, oh, I love the way you curate it. And then the guy's like, yeah, I'm down to cyber with you one day. Yeah. I feel like going from, I'm a fan of the porn

you curate to now we're like sexting is five messages. Yeah, what is a porn blog? Are you familiar with porn blogs versus porn sites? Is it all the same thing? I don't, I don't think, I don't follow any porn blogs. I know that's what like Tumblr used to be. Used to be at some point. Yeah, it was like just really hot porn gifts and stuff.

Instead of a directory, it's like, check out the stuff I've found. Right. Just like any blog. Yeah, it's like, I don't want to search the web, like the internet for hot porn, but like this person does a good job. It's like following somebody's playlist on Spotify

for new music. Good work. Some sort of porn DJ. Yeah. And the person has their contact probably for specific shit like this. But I think this is a common problem staying in a relationship for very long. Sex drive dying, you find the thrill somewhere else.

Yeah. And I think that's like, that could, it could also be like, this is the, this is where it nets out. Like what if you go to your husband and you're like, you don't have a sex drive that satisfies me enough. I want to like have cyber sex with other guys.

Won't fuck anybody in person. And he's like, okay, you know, maybe it's not that easy. But I just think that like this thing that you're doing is not a solution to the problem. And it's not like my fiance didn't touch me. So I had to do this. I don't think that's fair. Your fiance wasn't touching you

and you wouldn't talk to him about it. And now you're doing this. It's not like, I don't think it's anybody's fault, but I do not think that it's, I don't think it's your fiance's fault. So you're not going all the way to call off the wedding quite yet? No, I just think everybody's freaking talk to each other.

Yeah. And like, you don't have to, I'm not even telling you to come clean because I lie all the time. But I think you could at least say that you're unsatisfied with your sex life and see what your fiance does with that. And if he changes, great.

And if he doesn't, then you shouldn't get married to him. All right, can't beat that. Let's take a break. We'll come back and we'll answer some more questions after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode,

but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member

that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen.

It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. This is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way.

By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah.

Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog

alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift

and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best-selling frames. There it is. Oh wow, this is timely. The deal ends on June 18th.

So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A-Frames.com. OK, go get your parents something, all right? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you, Aura.

And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional license therapist, is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially

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That's BetterHelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a leather device. Mom, I'm coming. Gross.

Not in a traditional sense, but I did meet somebody at our show who gave me a Jake and Amir scroll. And I would advise you to read it. You mean this scroll that's right next to me? Yes. I quite enjoyed it. I believe she was right in the front of our meet and greet line.

Whoa. Had a scroll for us. We took a photo. And I read it, and it was super funny. And the handwriting is very nice, too. Quite. Top 10 things to say when I meet Amir and Jake by Laura Ingron-Tonell Umberto Shee.

Rodrigo. Oh. Number one, have some fun. Roll a blunt. And when we're done, let's get high and punch my mom. Oh, she didn't write any lines for me in this. No. OK, cool.

So I'll try to improvise. OK. Number two, Jake and Amir, who? These clowns make me frown when they come to town. Can we have someone new? So sorry, you don't want to meet us? Number three, I am Glee. You Nimrods are my idols.

Thank you. You just said you didn't like us. You wanted someone new. Number four, these guys are a poor. Right. Remind me, what did I come to this show for? It would really please me if they came around no more. It's a waste of time when instead I

could have just clocked my mom in the head and dropped it. You said one moment ago that you were Glee upon meeting us. And why do you hate your mother? Number five, I feel alive. My mom, she's cold as clams and my heart's going bam, bam. I've killed someone in my family. And yes, I don't like yams. That is not what you want to lead with, the yams.

Number six, my gut feels like bricks. My mother has croaked and I am starting to choke. Think quick, I'll pin it on these sorry blokes. Not my fault, officer. You see, I was high. Guess you'll have to pick these hicks to die. You killed your mother. I won't take the fall for that.

Number seven, a 2011. I'll drive off. Sorry. Number seven, a 2011 Chevy. I drove off in a proudly American car having scapegoated two for more than an innocent, what the fuck, two more than innocent PP list celebrities. Justice, baby.

That's not justice. Number eight, my chest carries weight. Still guilty, right? Things need to be made right. I stand before two Jews on death row, flustered, embarrassed, and most of all, high. Excuse me, executioner. Something needs to be set straight.

These curmudgeons never gave me an autograph before slaying my mother. And I desire so much more. What? Number nine, LOL. We all guffaw like a bunch of hypertensive rabbits. The whole ordeal is borderline comical. Mr. Hurwitz and Bloom, I enjoy a nice wine.

I literally become Amir's godmother and Mr. Hurwitz's godson. Things are looking fine. All things death penalty accepted. So we are getting the death penalty. Number 10, good show, dudes. I think she went with number 10 in the end. Yeah.

Ours is usually a countdown. This one started insane and then ended up with a nice number 10, good show, dudes. All right, thank you to Laura for that. Laura, that's right. I'll autograph that and sell it on fucking, I don't know, Etsy, good on ya. All right, let's see.

Shall we? Can we? Answer a few more questions. Will we? Won't we? Here's another one from a lady who's kind of having the opposite problem of the last one. Let's do it.

Call her another female city's name. Florence? Yeah. Florence writes, I'm a 26-year-old female at a committed monogamous relationship of almost five years with a 30-year-old male. Before I get into dirt, I wanna clarify that we are very much in a healthy relationship

and love our sex life. Okay. Very different from the last lady. Always the butt, though. However, I have recently had a few dreams of MMF3 sums and I cannot help but desire that kind of allure. The thought of having that kind of attention being twice as intense and also DP is super hot to me.

So I told my partner about the dreams and apparently it turned him on to hear me so turned on that we proceeded to have amazing sex and I thought that was the end of it until later. And that same evening while we were in the car and headed out for dinner, he asked me straight up, if you were to actually get into a threesome, who would you choose to be our third?

I immediately froze because honestly, I have not even tried to think about it. Yet as it seemed like such a elusive reality, I turned the question back on him and with no hesitation, he named two of his best guyfriends, neither of which I would be interested in as I know them well enough and they know that we are in a committed relationship as well.

Two of my best guyfriends, I bow out. And I'm just videotaping the bish for an amateur porn blog. I'm a tripod for you. I, assuming he wasn't serious, I chuckled and got out of the car since we conveniently arrived at our destination and that was kind of the end of that conversation

because the conversation ended. So briefly, I am now possibly overthinking it but at this point, I have no idea what to think. Was he serious? Do I bring it up to him again with a possibility of actually working something out? Do straight guys even want to partake in a real life MMF3 or is this a slippery slope

that inevitably leads to a heartbreak? Should we just take a trip to an adult store and satisfy this itch in a different way? Help, thanks in advance. Overly horny female in San Francisco. Oh, home of the potential, had come live fast. What do you think, man? It's weird that he instantly named two guyfriends of his.

I wouldn't know. I would think that's a rarity if some guy wanted to have a threesome. He's like, yeah, or we can do it with my two close guyfriends. Right, yeah. But that makes me think it's almost like I feel like I could name who I would have a threesome with

if somebody asked because I also know that I wouldn't do it, you know? Yeah. Oh, so you would just name friends but it's not an actual genuine answer. If I was like, who's the guyfriend of yours that you're most likely to have a threesome with and you would like, no, but it's not like.

Anybody you would actually do it with. By the way, who is the most likely? For me? Yeah. I guess I would use my ugliest friends so that I don't feel threatened at all. Gotcha, so we should say that guy in the count of three? Yeah.

One, two, three. Marty. Marty. I guess we look pretty much alike, so. I'm offended either way. Yeah, would you ever entertain the idea of an MMF threesome with your lover? I mean, if it was something that was important to her

but I would, I guess I'd feel at this point maybe a little hoodwinked. I would entertain an MMF threesome generally but I know I've never really been into threesome either MMF or FFM with people that I was in a committed relationship with. Because it does get confusing, complicated, funky and weird. I guess I like threesome's that are more spontaneous

and fun where everybody's friends but I would do guy, guy, girl. Where everybody's a stranger where you don't have to deal with the repercussions the next two months. But I think that she's sort of mentioned it here. Go to a sex store and see if we can satisfy the urge. That's a decent way to dip your toe in the water

if you guys do that, if you got a dildo or something and got to do a faux DP thing and you both really liked it and you wanted to take the next step then you can have the conversation again. So instead of my best friend, let's have sex with this dildo. And the dildo will be your best friend.

That's cool. For a day, for a night. So you guys all go to Disneyland together. You're on Splash Mountain. You should get to, you should get liquored up a little bit. Yes, you have a boozy brunchy situation with you, your wife and a dildo. Right, exactly.

And then for the dildo, I think the dildo just wants a bloody and then you put the dildo inside of a Bloody Mary. Oh, that's fun. And then it's time to split the bill. And it's like, well, I only got a cocktail and you guys had eggs bed addicted. You had the pancake and then you look at the dildo

and you had like five bites of the pancakes. That's like how many I had too. Are you really not going to pay for the food? Here, I'll Venmo request you dildo. What's your username on the app? It's strap on underscore dildo. I don't have a photo, so it's just the shadow figure. We have no friends in common

because I just bought you dildo. Why don't you just put the whole thing on your car dildo? And I'll get the next one. Dildo's card was declined. Wasn't there a dildo dined and dashed? I call a humor video that you were in where I was like vibrator, vibrator boyfriend. Yeah, weren't you the human in it?

I was the guy, yeah. And then the vibrator like talked to you. Right, exactly. Or like there was a girl who like, whose vibrator started getting like possessive. And then like, I played a one night stand who was chased out of the apartment by a vibrator. My acting career really took off since then.

That was the day you stubbed your toe nine times, right? You were just constantly walking into furniture. I was awful at entering the rooms. And exiting in a huff. You ended up losing your job to a vibrator. I think that was actually my first on-camera kiss. How was that? Scary, awkward, hot.

Never got better either. Really? I think I've done like maybe three or four on-camera kisses and I'm bad at them. Because it's performing? Yeah, it's a very strange emotion for me to act. Cause everyone else is looking, judging, staring, wondering. So yeah, cause I'm like nervous.

Oh, like, so we'll just do a pack. I really don't want to overstep. But then that's like also just like weird acting. I don't know. You've had to do it. How many times have you done an on-camera kiss? I've done an on-camera kiss a few times, the unsimulated oral for the indie movie that I directed.

And then I am littered throughout the course of this guy's porn blogs history as some sort of cum bucket for a series of, I was a fluffer for a year. So I would get guys hard and fast. They don't even use fluffers anymore. I know, I guess for whatever reason, my internship at UGIS ended up with me

putting a fucking feather duster out down my spine like some sort of flug fluffer stegosaurus. And then you graduated from your fluffer, your fluffer stegosaurus to Drake's wallet. Then for a minute and a half, you were Lil Wayne's comrack also. I was Meek Mill's anal bead in prison. Do you realize how bad that looks on a fucking resume?

My LinkedIn says founder, head gum, and underneath it it says Meek Mill's anal bead. Yeah, and when people call Meek Mill to get a reference. Yeah, it's not glowing. Because he was sad in prison. He was unhappy to be jailed that year. It wasn't a good look for you to be the anal bead. Yeah, they had to smuggle me in in a cake

next to a fucking hacksaw. They baked me into a Twinkie. And he opted to use the bead instead of a hacksaw to get out of prison. So he would rub me against the bars of his jail cell. Where were we? That's right. I wouldn't want to fuck my lover with a best friend.

So I think there is a little something weird there. Well, especially if you don't want to fuck either of his friends that he mentioned. So it's not necessary to bring that up again. Because then he might think that you want to fuck those friends. But maybe put some thought into who it would be for you so you have an answer next time. Because it sounds like he's into this idea.

Yeah, and can I recommend a stranger? I think there's an app about finding a third, probably. Strangers are probably better. Stranger, less danger. Best friend, things don't end. Also, I feel like your intentions here are like, not like you're bored with your boyfriend and you want to spice things up and add another guy.

In which case, I think that's a slipperier slope. Like your fantasy is specifically threesome. So. But it is convenient that both her and him, like that MF or something. Yeah, I mean, that's great. That could lead to lots of hot sex for you guys. Congrats.

Mazel Tov. You're in to be the stranger or not so much? Because they know you. Yeah, I feel like I wouldn't be a stranger. Yeah. I am down to be their key ring. I'll spend a year doing their key ring. So what does that entail?

That means you're sort of a ring that they attach. I hold all the keys. Yeah. So you have your apartment key, your mailbox key, maybe key to your parents' house, car key, bike lock key. It's a lot of keys to keep track of. Office key. So yeah, I'll be the key ring.

I'll swallow a fob. So to turn on your car, you just sort of punched me in the stomach. All right, thanks for listening. If you have your own questions, your own theme song, send it to ifireushow at gmail.com. First one from J.Crew. This second one is another guy who has an album in the works.

Wow. I know Jake has perfect pitch and is the golden god of song and dance, but for Amir's sake, please just record yourself saying something like, Jake and Amir are here. Some quick quips, y'all are good at that. I'll immortalize you in my good album forever. So we throw out just like a clean. Yo, Jake and Amir are here.

This is actually part of becoming a posse. Oh, really? So if this guy takes off, we can sort of become his posse. All right. So let's give him some clean options. OK. Yo, Jake and Amir in the house. Amir sucks.

What up? Let's do it. Amir's awesome. Hey, we're here. We're both here. Amir's great. Jake and Amir here. Fuck yeah.

Let's get it, boys. Amir sucks. Fuck yeah. Let's get it, boys. Amir sucks. Amir's good. Let's get it, boys. Fuck Amir.

Let's do it. Fuck, I love having a good time with Amir. Jake and Amir in the house. Amir's the worst. Peace out. Amir's fine, baby. You were throwing me under the bus with a lot of those. I was just going off the cuff.

I don't even know if he'll use any of that shit. Yeah, I hope he doesn't. Jake and Amir are here. Fuck yeah. Amir rules. Fuck Amir, let's do it. That one was just fuck Amir. Let's do it.

All right. Let's get one of you clean, because if he wants to do it, he won't be able to do it without using a negative one. Say fuck yeah, Jake and Amir are here. Go. Fuck yeah, Jake and Amir are here. Let's go, Amir's the man. Not.

He might cut it off right after I say Amir's the man. Say fuck yeah, Jake and Amir are here. You're nitpicking this. It's not fun for me anymore. Hell yeah, Jake and Amir in the house. Jake in the house, what up? Jake's the man. Amir sucks, let's get it.

This one is written by a young man, I should say. So thanks, young man. Thanks, Jake. Thanks to you guys for listening. Thanks to everybody who came out. For more, if I were you, you can check out our Patreon every other Thursday, a bonus ad-free video episode of If I Were You.

Yes. And we'll be back next week. Ciao, baby. Later. It's a joy to do the laundry. Air on all your dirty plunges. And once it's all been said and done, won't you try again? It's not so fun.

Jake and Amir, they don't know what you should do. Or what the fuck is going on. But boy, do they know how to just write. Wasn't that a good time? Cheers.