If I Were You - 394: Jake's Birthday Barty

Episode Date: August 5, 2019

In this episode we discuss Jake's 34th birthday, Amir's music career, and breaking the law in very small ways.For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon -- bonus video episodes every Thursday!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. It's a folksy short little kind of sad ditty. It really made- it gave me the feels. Did you catch the feels from it? Yeah, I was afraid to catch feels, but I was like, If I were you, if I were you, starts now. Your voice is amazing. Really?

Have you ever thought of becoming a singer? I mean, pretty casually, because I'm not really good. Oh, my goodness. Not really good. No, that's awesome. I feel like your, I mean, your singing voice is dope. It's perfect. I wouldn't change anything.

But what do you think about, because I just, I feel like part of it is having a great voice. And then the other part is being like a songwriter and having a story to tell with your words and your poetry. And I just don't know if you've thought about- No, yeah. Like, because you-

Having a story. Like having a story? Yeah, like having a story. Because you said you only thought about possibly being a singer. And I feel like- Yeah, you thought I stuck to singing, but I have like a lot of like theories

and lessons and shit to talk about if it ever came up to the point where I became a good singer. Like about love and life and stuff? Yeah, like about whatever and stuff. Like I have like, I feel like I've lived enough to finally get to the point where I know what to sing about. That's really important,

because I feel like to be a singer, you have to have conviction in your story and your art form. And it's not just about having an awesome voice, which obviously we've already established that you- So like one song I can think about would be like about how sometimes like you can't really fully understand why you love something but you do.

So it'd be like, I love this thing, but I can't quite get why. I can't quite get why I love it. So I don't know why. I love this thigh. So it'd be like about- Loving a thigh?

I don't know. Well, I feel like that's- Yeah. If you were open to like constructive feedback, that just feels like a little bit on the nose, because like what you said, loving something and not understanding why is like, that's a cool universal feeling.

An interesting thing. But then when you sang a sample verse, you were just like, I love this thing and I don't understand why. So it'd have to be like, I'm sorry, shut up for a second. I have to be like- I'm trying to help.

Don't tell me to shut up. I'm trying to help. One second. I'm trying to think. I'm trying to think. So it'd be like- You're acting manic. You don't have to-

There's not like a deadline here. We can just have like a casual conversation. Shut up. Okay. I'm trying to think. Shut the fuck up for like a fucking second. Because you help, but then you're like,

you keep fucking talking. Well, what did you say again? Do you want to know? It feels like you're telling me to shut up so you can think, but then whenever- I'm talking to myself, you fucking jackass one second.

Yeah, when I'm not talking, you just start like kind of laying into me, which I feel like isn't constructive either. I'm trying to think like, okay, okay, okay. So check this out. Yeah. Tell me if you like this.

Okay. But don't be like, and I like it that. All right. Ready? Do you want me to tell you if I like it or do you just want me to tell you that I like it? Tell me that you like it.

All right. Ready? Okay. When I woke today, I saw a thing that I considered pretty good. When I woke today, I saw a thing that I thought that I would. I think I love you, you little thigh.

I really think I love a thigh. I love this thigh. I love it so much. I can't quite get why I don't really love it. I can't quite understand why I shove it. So you want me to tell you that I like that? Tell me what you thought. Well, you said tell me what you think,

but don't say like I like it, but and then you made fun of the way I offer critiques. So I just want to be sure that you want like actual feedback because there are parts of that song that I really liked. Which parts? I like how you like blended genre. You sort of went from like Bob Dylan to Marilyn Manson. I think that's like what?

Yeah. I mean, you're like when I whoa, and then by the end I like this thigh. I get like I don't even think of it as like Bob Dylan or Marilyn Manson. Like if anything, they bit me, but sure, as long as you like it, that's good. I just want you to have,

because like I think we can crack this and I think you can really make it as a musician, but I think what's not helping is your attitude, unfortunately. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because like I compare you to Bob Dylan, one of the greatest songwriters of our time. He's okay.

And you reject that and say that he bit you. And I just feel like. No. Yeah. Sorry. What do you want to say? Because you're saying no. Did you not say that?

Yeah. No. Sorry. Continue. Okay. And the other thing just for, you know, not for nothing, but like it felt like we had a song, you know,

I don't know why. And I wasn't saying like let's abandon this premise entirely, but you just wanted to, as soon as I had like a piece of feedback, you were like, okay, fuck it, new song. But that's not like, we're not going to get anywhere just like coming up with a brand new song every time we like,

we have a little bit of constructive criticism, right? Right. Okay. Okay. I'm going to, let's talk about this offline, but I'll send you some lyrics. I have like,

I've got like dozens of pages handwritten that I can scan and send to you. You have dozens of, you said you only passively thought about becoming a musician. No, like since we started talking, I've been like jotting shit down. Were you listening to any of my feedback just now? Hold on one second.

Okay. How do you spell cashmere? It doesn't. All right. A woolen fucking sheep's clothing. Yeah. All right. I got something for you.

Ready? Yeah. Are you going to send it to me offline or are you going to just sort of start singing? I'll give you a sample right now and then I'll send you the rest of it offline. Ready? Okay.

I just have to scan it. I wrote it on the back of a receipt. Ready? Yeah. Jesus Christ. You're having an episode, but yeah, go ahead. I'm a wolf.

I'm a wolf. In sheep's clothing. Call me cash. Call me cash. Mere blue man. Found. Father. Call me cash.

Call me cash. Mere blue man. Found. Father. Mother dear and wife you forsake my spirits. It's nothing like that. That's awesome man. That's absolutely epic.

Just like super. Are you crying? Super dope. What? Are you crying? Yeah. That moved me to tears because like the fact that you said that you're a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Call me cash. Mere blue man. Found. Father. Father. Why have you forsaken my spirit? Yeah. Which is similar to.

To what? Like why have you forsaken me? That song is. Oh, the system of a down song? Yeah. Right. Exactly. Yeah.

It's kind of. Well, I mean, not necessarily. I'm just going to pull up the lyrics real quick. Don't fucking. Don't turn this into like a witch hunt. Like, okay, I used a word or two that was similar. There's only so many like words in the English language you could say that I did homage to a bunch of shit.

Father, why have you forsaken me? Yeah. I mean, it wasn't just like the lyrics because like you also, I feel like you sang it in the exact same cadence. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. But I did like this. Well, here's the other thing just just like real quick because you're all you're doing all these acapella and I'm just wondering if you have like if you have like any musical instruments playing abilities or even like just like if you can like. Yeah. Can you sing along with music?

Like, is that something? Yeah. I can do like guitar, bass, rhythm guitar, drums and then like anything else that needs to be filled in. You're sort of like a kid rock in that regard. He plays all the instruments on his albums. Yeah. Yeah.

So like do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. And this is for that's the that's the guitar riff for that leads into cashmere. Nice. And I mean, on the day, I just want to be sure you can play the guitar. It's not, it wouldn't just be like the noises that you're making with the mouth. Yeah. Yeah. I give you like power chords or whatever.

Okay. Cool. All right. Yeah. So yeah, if you want to send me send me those lyrics, that'd be awesome. I don't have a pick. Okay. Well, I mean, I don't like I don't have a pick.

So I might need a little help. Yeah. If you know somebody. Well, when we were recording in the studio, like I think I should, I can, I'm willing to invest in this album and I'll like book us some studio time. They'll have. Really? Yeah.

They'll have instruments and they'll have picks. You won't have to bring any of that stuff. Okay. So yeah. We'll maybe bring someone that. I mean, as long as you can play all the instruments, I think that really. If I could focus on the singing, maybe you have somebody else there for to do the, to do everything else.

Okay. All right. Well, I mean, that's a little bit of a different investment because I will have to pay a musician if you're, if you can't do it. But that's fine. Yeah. I think we, yeah, we get, we find somebody as long as you can. I mean, show them what you, how you want it to sound.

Cause you said you knew how to play guitar and stuff. I'm kind of scared that I overstepped my bounds. Well, yeah. I guess I'm wondering why you don't have a pick. I like oversold it to you for a second. Okay. Like I don't know how to do that stuff. I don't know.

Like I've never even thought about music until you fucking brought it up like nine minutes ago. But like I'm excited to learn it. And then you furiously jotted all of your lyrics down onto a receipt that you plan to scan and send to me. But I'm trying to do it like left-handed. So it's like, it kind of looks like the scrawlings of a madman cause I'm holding my computer with my right hand.

I really shouldn't have even, like I, I feel kind of, I feel like a little bit bad cause I feel like you took this super seriously. But like I was, I was like totally kidding. Your voice is really bad. That was like, it all stemmed from like a joke about how your voice, how your voice sucked. And also like your lyrics were super, super bad and really dumb. And like, it's saying a lot to say that they were really stupid cause you like stole them from some popular songs, but like even your choices of, of theft on the songs were bad.

So like really across the board, just like so dumb and really bad. No, I, yeah, I was like fucking with you. Really? Yeah. Cause I did just get it. It sounds like your voice is breaking. You're maybe crying a little bit and I just got an email from you. I have a fucking headache for a second.

Yeah. Yeah. You have a headache for one second. I have like a little fucking headache. It sounds like you're going to cry. Your, your email says, hey, these are, these are the lyrics I just came up with. I think they're really something special if you agree. I'm so excited for this project and it's a scanned.

Yeah. I guess you took it with your phone, but it's, it's like a scanned receipt. Are you weeping? Take it with a fucking grain of salt, man. Actually take it with a grain of a salt. Okay. What do you think of, what do you think of that for a fucking title? That's not bad.

It sounds sort of like a sub 41 album or something, which is like, take it with a grain of a salt. Yeah. Do you have a salt to listen to this fault? You're stealing again. You're doing like a bad weird owl thing. I'm borrowing. I'll put it back.

I'll put it back. Fine. Fine, man. Anyway, thank you for that. I needed to like feel that a little bit like the highs and the lows. Yeah. That's like, I feel like that's what rock and roll is all about. I guess so.

But yeah, I mean, you're, you're sort of just like screaming into a microphone out of time, stealing lines. It's not really rock and roll. It's sort of like, But I did feel the rush a little bit, which was, Wow. I was crying. You were crying a lot.

You're crying a lot. It feels good. It feels like if you've ever done a sauna or a steam room, but for the inside of your face. Oh yeah. That's a nice way to look at it. All right. Let's focus here.

This is a fire you an advice podcast. In fact, the only one on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I am Jake. And we are grain of assault. I don't want to be in this band. All right. It was a fucking throwaway.

What a, what a terrible name. What a terrible name. It was a, it was a joke. All right. We got a question from a dude who let's just say is from Pittsburgh. By the way, did we say who made that song? Who? Who made the original song?

I don't give a shit. That launched us into a 20 minute bit of you singing. I really hope people at the office heard you screaming. Why have you forsaken me in the studio? George Gavin from a folksy music guy based in Brighton, UK. So thanks, George. Brighton. That's what this might be.

All right. This guy is a college junior college student in Pittsburgh. We'll call him Ben Roffelsberger. Nice. Speaking of assault. Nice. About three years ago, my parents announced their divorce to the family. At first, it was pretty devastating for my sisters and I, but I've since been mostly okay.

They both have their own home now, not too far from where I grew up. And with me being in school, I haven't had to confront much. My mom has been dating a new guy pretty seriously for a while. It took me some time to warm up to him, but he's a good guy and he's been very generous and makes us all very happy. It feels strange, but I'm able to separate myself enough to be happy for my mom. For a while, I was a little worried about my dad, but now I'm in a sticky situation because he's introduced us to his quote, lady friend. I figured it would essentially be the same song and dance as my mom's new guy.

But no, this lady is closer to my age than my dad's. If that weren't enough, she teaches at the same school my dad runs. So now I feel like this is a potential conflict of interest. Side note, she's also vegan, which I wouldn't typically care about, but now my dad's going vegan and there's never any milk or cheese or meat in the fridge. My sisters are clearly just as uncomfortable as I am about this young chick dating my dad who is nearly half his age. So what do I slash we do? Ultimately, I know this has nothing to do with us, but it's making us all feel weird to be home

and I worry that he could possibly even lose his job for this. Is it worth bringing up or should I just let it go, let it go? My voice is amazing. Have you ever thought about being a musician? I just copy and paste the last 12 minutes of the podcast. I've been a fan since your early days at College Humor and I'm eagerly anticipating the live NADPod show in Pittsburgh. Yeah. Thanks.

Can't wait to go to Pittsburgh. That show is sold out, motherfucker. Jesus. Why are you mad at me? No, I'm really excited. That's all. Thanks, love. Ben Roffelsberger.

Okay. It seemed, I don't know. What do you think, man? Wouldn't it be weird if your parents got divorced like now and started dating other people? I was thinking about that while reading this question. I'm like, it must be so weird to deal with. Some people just never deal with that. It's not like a thing that some people eventually deal with.

Right. Seeing your mom with a boyfriend is kind of a funny thought. I feel like it would be bizarre, but I also feel like I'm probably better equipped to handle it now because I'm an adult and I know what goes into relationships. And if my parents were getting a divorce, I wouldn't be like, why are you doing this? I'm mad. I would be more like, oh, this hadn't been working. I would talk to them a little bit more.

Yeah. Like level with them. Yeah. I would understand more now than I would when I was a kid, when everything they do sucked. I was always upset at whatever they were doing. Right. And now I'm never upset at what they're doing. They have their reasons.

Imagine your mom with a different guy. Would that make sense to you? That would make so much sense to me. Yeah, of course. You know my father. Yeah. I think he's pretty awesome. He's a summer squash of a man.

He's a misshapen jacknut. That's what he is. So if your mom brought home a boyfriend or something or they got a divorce and then she started dating someone else, do you think he'd be like your dad or completely different? No. He would be a 10. My mom would be dating like an Aragorn meets Tom Brady meets Tom Bradley meets Tom Hiddleston. Hanks.

So she would bring home just the square jawed six foot four inch 180 handyman. Yeah. Hanksyman. Yeah. And you'd be like, okay, this is cool. I get to know this new guy. He's like, he's not my father, but he's my mom's boyfriend. And I understand that.

I really, like if my mom divorced my dad, she would probably be married to Tom Hanks. And I think that's kind of like where, like where she is on, on like the, on the spectrum of humanity. She's like such a saint, such a queen, a princess, a goddess that, that she is like in the same league as Hanks, even though she doesn't have like, you know, the same status of like, of wealth and fame and, and a catalog of movies that everyone adores. But like she, she should be with Tom Hanks and my dad should be with like, I'm trying to think of like who is like maybe like the, the wicked witch from the West, like after

the house fell on her. Like that actor. No, I mean, he should be with, he should be with fat bastard from Austin Powers. Like Mike Myers. Maybe. So my mom should be with Tom Hanks and my dad should be with Mike Myers. Or like fat, like the fictional character, fat bastard. He should be with the fat suit.

My dad should have a flashlight. That's what, that's like the, that would make things right in the world. What would make more sense is if my dad had a fuck doll and my mom was with Tom Hanks. That's, I would understand that if, if my mom was like, Hey, I actually broke up with your dad and I'm dating Tom Hanks. I'd be like, what, what took you so long? And if my dad was like, Hey, your mom divorced me and I like have this mail order fuck robot from Tokyo, I'd be like, of course that makes a lot of sense.

I, I would have thought that. Um, but this fuck robot is actually a little out of your league. Oh my God. You would think that the fuck robot is out of your dad's league. Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, my dad's more of like a stick of fleshlight in the arm of a lazy boy type guy. That's what that's like.

Like he would fuck a chair. I don't know if he would. I don't think he would, but I think that's like where he's at. Jesus. Like that's what he should be doing, but don't get me wrong. My dad is, he's like, he's awesome cause he gives, he like pays for me. Money, right? Like my apartment and my car.

I know that you like, like it's in his name and I need that cause otherwise, if I don't have him paying for my apartment and for my wardrobe and like meals and stuff, like when I go grocery shopping, call a lift or something. Yeah. I need him. I travel extravagantly and I put everything on my dad's credit card and I really need that. That's important.

But at the same time, you'd understand it if your mom left him for Tom Hanks and he started fucking a chair. I'd understand if my mom left him for the fuck robot that he's not even qualified to be fucking. Okay. Well, put yourself in this guy's position then. If your dad started dating someone who is close to half his age at his school, would you have a sit down a heart to heart or would you have to just then trust your father and

say, you know what? You got this figured out. I think at least, I don't know, I feel like all these things sort themselves out over time. Is that, is that bad advice? I just feel like when it's new and weird and you're talking about it with your sisters, you're like, this is uncomfortable. Should we say something?

But your dad might also feel that and in a few weeks or months or maybe his girlfriend will feel that they'll break up and be like, this was the age gap is weird. We work together. That's bad. Or they date for like another year and you see her around more and you see them get comfortable and closer and you're like, actually, I like, I like this lady now. So I just think that this is not fully your, your call in the same way that you don't get to decide what's in the, in the refrigerator at his house.

Right. So you sort of, since, you know, he's your father, you have to sort of trust, he knows what he's doing and if it's, if it's something where he's blinded by love, then it'll come to the surface soon enough. And if it's an actual healthy, happy relationship, then they'll stay together forever and you'll have a new mommy. Yay. All right.

Let's take a break. We'll come back. Thanks. After thanking some sponsors with some more questions and answers. Awesome. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake.

Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. Personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. That's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah.

Frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. She misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app.

Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. That's A U R A Frames Dot Com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the

best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A U R A Frames Dot Com.

Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and

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Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little bit of a device. Oh, I'm coming. Gross. No, but I know you do, brother. Yeah.

Mine's kind of ambiguous. I'll tell you the story or an anecdote or two, and then we can sort of back into the advice. Okay. More general advice. Okay. So I flew up for two days to visit my new niece. I flew up on Tuesday, back on Wednesday, real quick trip, and I was looking for flights

kind of last minute, and I usually just fly Southwest, but the prices were kind of high. So I did like a more general Google flight search, and I found really cheap flights on United. It was like $110 each way, which is pretty hard to find last minute. To San Francisco. Yeah. And then when I went to book the flight, it was like, yes, they're $110, but that's like basic economy.

So you can't bring a bag. You can't choose your seat. You can't board until everybody else is boarded. They like, it's kind of like a bait and switch. You're not allowed to even fly. Yeah. The flight attendant is going to slap you in the face. Yeah.

And it keeps going like, are you sure? You have to understand. You can't bring any bags. You can't bring a bag. You really cannot even bring a bag. Do you still want to fly? Can they be a personal item? Yeah.

No, you could bring a personal item. That's correct. One personal item. Easy. Can't choose a seat till you get there. Can't board until the last group, et cetera, et cetera. And it keeps being like, if you want any of this stuff, literally anything, like a normal flying experience, it's actually $175 away.

So it's like, if they bring you in with a super cheap fare, and then they're like, by the way, you can't do anything unless you get the normal fare. Right. And then you're like, oh, it's $175 versus $110. I'll choose my seat. But then you realize that's both ways. That's another... Right.

Yeah. It's a lot of money. All right. It's like the normal fare that Southwest could have provided. But United gets you in with their ultra-low fare by stripping any convenience. They are the worst. All right. Go on.

So I'm like, yep. That's fine. No bag. I won't bring a bag. I will not choose a seat. I'm flying by myself. It's a 45-minute flight. Put me anywhere.

I don't mind. Last row window next to the bathroom. Yeah. I don't give a shit. Exactly. So I was like, I was probably their worst nightmare, the guy that went in on the super bargain basement fare and stayed there and didn't mind. So I'm like, all I'll bring is a backpack.

I'm going up one day. I'm going back down the other. But on Monday, my mom's like, oh, if you're going up North, let me give you a bag of baby items to bring because I'm a grandmother. I want to buy a bunch of stuff for the baby. Right. That'll happen. So I got my backpack and then I got my Gelson's tote bag of a ton of baby items that I did

not pack. This is my bag. But I did not tell them that. Did you pack all your items? Yes, I did, including this mystery bag of baby treats that I'm bringing up. Your mommy didn't help you with that? No, my mommy didn't. I thought of bringing these snuggies, I assure you.

All the pacifiers in here were my idea. So on the way up, they didn't even care. They didn't even ask me about the personal item, the extra bag, whatever. I just flew up and it was no big deal. But then on the way back down, they're like, you have your personal item, your backpack, but what's that bag? I was like, oh, it's my extra bag. I'm traveling very light.

I assure you. Wait, what is the extra bag for the baby? What are you doing bringing it back? Because my brother didn't want to keep all these items. So it's like, I'll take half. And then you bring the other half back down. I'm a courier of sorts for my family. So another thing you cannot check in online, of course, you got to go there wait in line

for no other reason other than it's an inconvenience that they force you to do. Fine, I'll do it. Oh, wait in line, I'll check in there. And when I check in, the lady's like, you have two bags. This is a basic economy ticket. You have to pay for the extra bag. I'm like, how much is it? It's just a backpack and like a shopping bag.

Those are my, I figure it's considered one personal item, but for them it's two. I tell them that I flew up no big deal, no problem on the way up. And she's like, yeah, but here it's a little different in San Francisco Airport. They take it more seriously, I guess. We do things right. Yeah. And so I'm like, how much is it? And she's like, it's $30 a year or $55 at the gate, which seems completely made up.

I'm like, okay, I'll do it at the gate. And then she's like, no, I just do it here, it's $30 instead of $55. No, no, I'll do it at the gate. I'll do it at the gate. It's $55 at the gate. I'll do it at the gate. And she's like, trust me, you just want to do it here, it's $30, so I'm like, no, no, I'll do it at the gate.

The $55, I'll do the $55. I'll pay $55, is it? Is it $55? That's the official policy, $55 at the gate or $30 here? And she's like, okay, do it at the gate. And then she writes on my ticket in pen, gate check $55 on my ticket in pen. That doesn't mean anything. No, it doesn't mean anything at all.

Such a big airline is like, all right, so yeah, you write $55 in pen and then you take that price tag to the person at the gate? Yeah, they can't be like actual official company policy. Are they getting paid on commission? Are they selling me like a used mattress? How is this part of the actual system? I couldn't understand it. So did you bring the ticket to the gate?

So I'm walking through security, they don't care that it says gate check $55 in pen on my ticket that I have to print out from after waiting in line. They're like, they let me through security. And then once I got through security, I tried to print out another boarding pass by going to the person at the actual gate. I was like, I lost my boarding pass, can you print out another one? They print out another one. That one doesn't say $55 gate check on it.

When you go up to that gate, did you hide the gelsons back? I was carrying it, but I tried to make it not noticeable, but I don't even think the person was looking for an extra gelsons back. So this sort of lumps into this other thing that I did recently, which was I went to Amal, the Americana here in Glendale. I went on Sunday, and there was no parking anywhere except for this section of the parking lot that said law firm parking only, seven days a week, everybody else will be towed. It was completely empty.

So I just parked there. They're not here on a Sunday trying to see who parks in their parking lot. There's like 12 spots here that are completely empty. I stayed there for two hours. Nobody towed my car. Nobody left me a ticket at all. I would think the same thing, but I would not want to risk it. You were like, I'm willing to go pick up my car somewhere if they tow it?

I was so convinced that nobody was at the law firm, let alone patrolling the parking lot, let alone running out of spots, because it's not like I took the last spot and somebody would then be fucked. It was a completely empty lot. Have your car ever been towed before? No, because usually I play it by the rules. I think maybe that's the difference. I try to play it by the rules, but my car has been towed at least three times.

Maybe four. Three times towed. Yeah, four times a lady. I don't know if I haven't been burned yet, but I'm starting to, as an adult, figure out the different loopholes and rules that you can break that don't really make sense to me. The $55 on a ticket, maybe when I was 24, I'd be like, oh shit, I got to pay it right now or I'll be in trouble.

But now that I'm 36, I'm like, no, that doesn't make sense. I feel like I can work my way around that. The no parking at the law office, that doesn't make sense to me either. I don't think anyone's going to actually call me and get me in trouble. I definitely think not taking weird rules seriously is a good outlook to have. Because for the most part, I do think you'll get away with it. For every time that you do have a $55, you have to pay $55 at the gate. You're still in the black for all the times that you did.

Yeah, all the times that you got away with it. Every time you don't get towed. That's kind of interesting. Theoretically, get towed once or twice a year and park in tow-away spots all the time. You're saving on valet and parking stuff. I mean, I don't want to just create a blanket, unsolicited advice of park anywhere, don't pay anything, but it feels like there are these little inefficiencies in life that you can get away with every now and again.

I remember I listened to a podcast once about, I forget, being smart and being wise was like the premise there. They're just talking about how some rules, even though they're set up, they're very, very dumb. I guess my unsolicited advice is live long enough that you can start understanding what is considered, quote, unquote, bullshit versus not. The only way to learn these things, I think, is to just try them and fail it. Then you start pushing the rules a little bit.

Then you realize that you don't have to do them at all. Then at a certain point, you'll probably get burned and you're like, okay, that was too much. That was too much. I'll go back. I absolutely think that, steal from the airlines at any cost, they're awful. All airlines are bad. They're all so bad.

All right. Should we try to answer one last question before we have to get the hell out of here? Why the fuck not? This is a classic birthday dilemma, a question right in time for your birthday. That's right. I think this episode comes out 8.5. Is your birthday on a Monday? Yeah.

I'll be 34. All right. Here we go. Here's the question. We'll call this guy Jake. My birthday is coming up next week and I don't know how to celebrate it. I'll be moving in that weekend so the home will not be ready to host a party. I was thinking of celebrating it a week or two after to have a housewarming slash birthday

party, but it feels a bit odd. My wife has been tied up with school and doesn't have the time to plan anything for me this year, so I'm having to plan my own birthday party and I know what a loser herb. Anyways, I'd like to know your thoughts. Is it odd celebrating your birthday after it's passed or should I try to have a small get together at someone else's place? Thanks for the advice. You guys are the best.

Of course, behind Jake's mom, who is without argument better than my mom. Absolutely. I would agree with that assessment. This is interesting. I'm sort of planning my own party this year as well. What do you do as a 34-year-old? Your birthday lands on the worst day to have a party, Monday, so do you go the weekend before?

Do you go the weekend after? Do you force something in on a Monday? How are you playing it? You got to go weekend before. It's just otherwise, what are you doing? You have to go weekend before. You're doing something Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. This year, my birthday is on Monday, I'm doing something Saturday.

Are you doing the inviting everyone to a place, to a bar, to a public location? That is exactly it. I'm inviting everybody to a bar. That way you don't have to do anything but show up. I think that's way better than hosting. I don't know, there's something so stressful about planning a party, even if you're doing a completely low maintenance party, as soon as I sent an email out being like, it's my birthday on Saturday, come to this bar, I was instantly full of anxiety of no one's

going to come. Then the first 10 minutes of your birthday party when obviously no one's there yet, nobody shows up right on time, you just feel like a big fucking loser. Or the anxiety of now I have a thousand micro responsibilities. My friend will be like, oh, if I'm going to get there late, is that fine? Oh, should I bring cake? Oh, what kind of food is there going to be? Oh, do they have this kind of beer?

I don't know, just show up or not. I don't want to do anything. This is why usually I like to just go back home and eat dinner with my parents on my birthday. Right. You can't get in trouble if you're just eating at home with your parents. I just spend my birthday with my family. I'm a family man and then I don't have to stress about this shit.

But I think that's the move. If you've got a big brewery or a cool bar or restaurant near you, you just have people there. They're going to forget someone and they're like, oh, you didn't invite this guy. Can I invite him? Like, no, then it's weird because I didn't bring this other person, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Well, that's why I went like big bar and I was like, forward this to anyone.

I definitely forgot people, bring friends. I don't care. Right. So you're like doing this. The most low maintenance, which is like literally anybody is invited to just show up or not. The opposite of my wedding where we have like a set amount of people. These people can't come. These people can't bring plus one, like all that stuff, where that was high stress.

That guest list is high fucking stress. I basically just took the email that I sent for my wedding. I removed everybody that lived in Los Angeles and I sent it out. And 34 is not a big one anyway. So it feels like there's less of a brouhaha to be had. Definitely. I don't ever want to have a brouhaha about my birthday. The days of brouhaha are over.

Do you remember your birthday that we went to Vegas? That was a great birthday. We had like 20 people in Las Vegas. Yeah. That was like a bachelor party, but just for my 30th birthday. Oh yeah. It was your 30th birthday. But that too wasn't, I didn't necessarily plan it.

I was just like, hey, I'm going to Vegas and this is where we'll be. It's also, at least for me this year, like as I'm, having a summer birthday always used to be awesome because everybody was like off, out of school, everyone was around. But when you're in your 30s and it's summertime, everyone goes away and does something pretty much every single weekend. The summer just like gets booked up, especially in New York, everybody like goes to the Hamptons or goes upstate or everyone leaves the city on the weekend. This is you talking to one person at your birthday party and no one else showed up.

This is me talking to the bartender, my wife didn't even come. I mean, you get it. She has got like other shit to do and I set the invite pretty late in the game too. Actually Jill was the one person that I forgot to put on my invite list. Did you make an invite or just write an email? I just wrote an email. Did you have a time to start? I wrote 9.30 ish.

Classic. And then what will you get there? 11.45. I think I'm going to get there at 9.30. I'm going to try to get there on time, but I'm so fucking nervous. Maybe I won't go. No one else is going to fucking go. Why do I have to go?

I just really want gifts is all. I love presents. So what should this guy do? Tell everyone to go to a bar? Yeah. I think tell everyone to go to a bar. Can't go wrong. Everything is planned.

Easy. Done. And also make sure that you have your core group is going to be there because that's also important. Yeah, make sure. Make sure you're just sitting there alone waiting for your friends and that's not fine. Yeah, if you show up early.

It helps to do something with like, yeah, I'm doing this too. Like I'm going to get a small dinner with people before and then go to this bar. So no matter what, I can't have less than three friends with me when I show up. Except, oh shit. I'm just hearing now that nobody can make it to the dinner. Jesus Christ. Maybe I'll get Papa John's on the way. Let's try it again for 35 guys.

This one's off. This one's awash. Unless someone wants to do something small on Monday. God, another email. Hey, I'm getting tepid responses at best. We're going to change this to a brunch or a drench. On Tuesday, the 7th of August. Hey, again, Jake here, the 34 year old geezer taking everybody off BCC.

We're just going to make this a public facing thread. Who's in and who's out? Streeter, you haven't responded. Why all either way? This should be a public shaming of either you or me. Jesus. All right. Can't endorse a birthday party more than that.

Yeah. I mean, yeah. You just have it at a place where you don't have to do anything. A bar, there's no maintenance. You don't have to buy drinks. You don't have to buy food. Are you telling the bar? Are you telling the bar ahead of time?

I contacted the bar and they said it was a $15, $1500 minimum to reserve the space. Yeah, I'm sure we'll spend that much money and they're like, well, no, you have to pay it and then basically it's $1500 of an open bar gets me to reserve the space. I was like, how crowded does your bar get on the weekends? They're like, we can't really say. I was like, all right, we're just going to show up. Oh, so you didn't do the $1500 thing? No, I'm not going to pay $1500 for a fucking birthday party.

This is the same thing as the fucking gate check. They're trying to squeeze you to paying money that you don't necessarily even have to pay. I think it is. Like me saying, does the bar usually get crowded on Saturday and they're like, we're not sure. What do you talk? Like you work the bar, you're in charge of events at the bar. They're just trying to squeeze $1500 at least from you and your party.

Yeah, so it's not going to happen. We're going to come and fucking take over Cornhole. Put up a $218 tab. You have to pay extra for chips? Christ. All right. Thank you for your questions. Thank you for your theme songs.

The opening one was written by George Gavin. This closing one is written by Jorge Lewis. So thanks to George and Jorge. Sort of two versions of the same name. Hip hip. Jorge. George. And thank you for listening.

If you have your own questions or theme songs, send them all down to If I Were You show at gmail.com. We'll be back of course next week. And if you want some more If I Were You, there's always our Patreon. Bonus video Thursday episodes every week. That's the spot. You can watch it at patreon.com slash ja. Either way, we'll be back in seven days.

First episode with Jake is a 34-year-old. I'm going to retire. Hey Jake and Namir, when you're gonna help out? I have an important question that cannot go unanswered. My girlfriend invited her parents over and I don't know what to do. I've never met them before. Guys, please don't let me down. When you're gonna eat those nut shit monk?

When you're gonna earn that golden mic? When you're gonna upload that pot and make my day? She said, play that cast. The one that makes us laugh all night long. The one that gives me advice. It's called If I Were You and it starts right now. That was a HitGum podcast.