If I Were You - 407: The Best Coffee

Episode Date: November 4, 2019

In this episode we discuss flat whites, bathroom locks, and why breaking up is easy to do.For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA for weekly bonus video episodes!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. I finally got what I wanted. You really did. Congrats, Bub. So that was made by the same guy who made another theme song for us. Right, how? And I demanded a Hogan family theme song. Indeed, I recall.

And I don't remember why I liked the Hogan family, and this guy didn't even remember the show, so it took him a while to make it. I also, I've never heard of that show before. Yeah, it wasn't even a popular show. I was actually just looking up info about the show, but first, about the theme song. By Amir's request, had to spend some time

because who the fuck knows the Hogan family theme, of course. Of course. Given your verbal contract, I figured I should give you my Venmo NL Thompson 2, and I threw a reminder at the end for shits and no giggles. Oh shit. Seriously, thanks. No giggles.

You can shout out my band, dearlinkin.com, album also on Spotify, but I did Venmo him $10. Okay, yeah, good. It wasn't the G. He deserves that. He definitely deserves $10 at least. I don't know how I got into the Hogan family.

I remember watching it as a kid on a channel called PAX. Do you remember the channel PAX? I don't really. I mean, it sounds familiar, but I feel like that's not because I ever watched any PAX television. Yeah, and I looked up to see what the Hogan family was even about. I remember Jason Bateman was in it. There's like three kids,

and Jason Bateman is like a teenager in it because it was like from the 80s. Okay. And then it just, the whole show, I guess in the 80s, sitcoms didn't need to be about anything. So this show was about, it was first called Valerie, and it was originally starring this Valerie Harper in a titular role as a mother trying to juggle her career,

raising three sons with an absentee airline pilot husband. So it was just about a lady raising sons because the dad was a pilot and rarely there. The dad was, it's such a weird thing how like, just like the weird occupations they gave, they gave parents in sitcoms. It's like, you're a pilot. Okay.

And then this is, this is the best part. Harper of Val, the show was called Valerie starring Valerie Harper, and then it says Harper was fired the season following the second season. So this show just hired somebody else as an aunt, renamed it the Hogan family. Interesante. So it was about a mom named Valerie, starring Valerie. Valerie didn't get along with the show,

so she left and they're like, fuck it, we'll continue the show and just call it the Hogan family. How is it a family? Well, I don't mean how is it a family without a mom. There are plenty of untraditional families out there. Of course, don't at me, don't at me please. And you were just canceled. Fuck, I misspoke for insinuating that.

No, I mean, like, did they address the mom leaving? Did they get a new mom or was it just like, okay, like the show, the premise of the show, as you mentioned, was dad doesn't, dad's not around because he is a pilot who flies too much. And then season two, mom is fired and dad is, does he leave his job as a pilot? Does he start coming around more? No, he's still gone, but they just brought in the pilot's sister,

Sandy Duncan, who played the aunt, and she just sort of started raising the kids. A full switcheroo. And do they mention the kids not having a mom anymore, even though they had one previously? Were they like, mom's gone? Or were they like, this has always been the way it was? Well, this is an excellent segue into my Hogan family

slash Valerie slash Valerie's family re-watching podcast. How many episodes was Hogan family? So Valerie was two seasons at 32 episodes. Valerie left, so they called it Valerie's family in the third season for 21 episodes. And then they said, fuck Valerie, we'll have three more seasons as the Hogan family. That's such a long running show on PAX.

Well, PAX is where I re-watched it. That was like the show, the channel like TBS, where they just re-showed sitcoms from the 80s and like the late 90s, so that's where I would watch it. I see. But it was on CBS. Oh, okay, got it. And it's funny because like this show nobody's heard about

got like 20 million viewers, which would have been like the number one rated show on TV right now. It would have been a regular big bang theory. Exactly. So shout out to Valerie, Valerie's family, the Hogan family and Dear Lincoln. What did you think of the theme song? Do I just like it for nostalgic purposes or did you love it?

I didn't, it didn't move the needle for me. And I feel bad saying that because I know a lot went into it, but it wasn't, it didn't have anything to do with Dear Lincoln because he's shown us time and again that he's an amazing musician. But the theme song itself, without any nostalgic factor, it's sort of just his like vanilla, you know? I love vanilla. You do love vanilla.

It's not an insult. You're a vanilla bean. You are a tiny little vanilla bean. What bean are you? I heard a very interesting little riddle. The most important bean in the world. What do you think it is? I hope it's not vanilla.

It's not. It's not even fucking close. Is it coffee? That's correct. You didn't even give the audience a fucking chance to guess. Everybody was like, it can't be soy. It can't be a soybean, can it? You know where I got, I figured it out from is there was another kind of,

not riddle, but a shower thought circulating the internet of vanilla soy latte with three bean salad because it's vanilla bean, soy bean and coffee bean. Oh, that's cool. I like that. I like that. Three beans coming together. I like that a lot. I'll drink to that.

Are you having a cafe right now? Yeah. Can you hear the ice dangling? I can hear the ice dangling. It's oat milk. So it's not even a three bean salad. You know what? I started drinking when I was in Europe was oat milk flat whites.

And they are the goat. That is my new favorite drink. I'm not usually a hot cofefe guy, but an oat milk flat white really goes a long way for me. Yeah. It's like the lattes have more milk than coffee. Like a latte is like a shot of espresso and then a fucking glass of oat milk. Yeah. Actually, you know what?

I'm going to, let's, let's table this. Let's table this for a bit because I feel like this is going to be my unsolicited advice actually. So let's, let's discuss flat, flat whites, cappuccinos, lattes. And macchiato's after the break. Okay. I can't fucking wait. Let's discuss milk alternatives because there's, you know, there's a lot.

There's a lot of options out there. There's a lot to discuss. There's that. It's going to be a really, really meaty second half of the pub this week. Oh, everybody stopped listening. What? Everybody has stopped listening. Yeah.

I guess you said. They stopped listening to fast forward to the second half, I bet. Skip 45 seconds. You should say that you didn't know I was drinking coffee. You can only hear it because you're recording out of our new New York city office. That is right. The new, new the New York, the head gum East coast, HGBK baby. And it's, well, I guess we'll, we'll see how it is after we post this, but it looks nice

in here. There's still a little construction to be done, but it feels good. Feels like home already. We got. The first podcast ever recorded out of the new office. Yes. I recorded an ad in here yesterday, but this is the first podcast recorded out of here. We got a.

Holy shit. Marika is literally putting tile in the kitchen right now. Dave Rosenberg built a IKEA wardrobe. Jeff is hanging. He mounted all of the, like the soundproofing in here and Micah's building desks. So it's, it's a real family affair. It's beautiful. Yeah.

This will either be like an awesome little chapter in our oral history about a company that became a multi-billion dollar corporation or just like, yeah, we were hemorrhaging so much cash. We had to have our friends build shit before we finally boarded up the place. Yeah. And Jeff had to literally board it up. It's either, it's right. It's either our humble beginnings or the beginnings of the end.

Our humbles beginnings of the end. But yeah, feels good. Very excited to be here. That's cool. We have, having something to sign, like I know Ear Wolf has like a table that people sign. Yeah. So we have a, we have a table that people sign.

Yeah. I was saying that like as a leaping off point, like, okay, Ear Wolf has a table people sign. But if Ear Wolf does a table, we do a table. I mean, Don't think of it as like a tit for tit. Think of it as like a tit for tat. Right. Ear Wolf has a table.

What can we do? We'll have a fucking bench. That's just, that's a table. You'll sign a. A bench is a table people sit on. Fine. Ear Wolf is between a bench and a table. It's the size.

I'm sorry. We'll sign a freaking, a fucking, like a low, you know, like we have a coffee counter, like a, but a, like a small one that goes in between. A table. A coffee table. Yeah. So we can sign in that. You know, a coffee table is technically a three bean stew.

Why? I was saying three beans salad or three beans soup earlier. You said three beans salad. Yeah. I meant three beans soup. Yeah. It's, it felt wrong on the ears, but I was like, I didn't read the shower thoughts. So, you know,

I'll just let you have this one. It felt flat white. It felt flat white indeed. You know the Beyonce song tell them boy by. Yeah. And you always say tell them soy dry. Yeah. Yeah.

My iteration of tell them soy dry. Right. So what about a play on that? Tell them flat white. Why? That doesn't, it's like, it doesn't, it's like not even like a rhyme. It's not a pun off of anything. Well, you would say Floyd white.

Tell them Floyd. Ew. That makes my skin crawl. Like seriously, that really, that was grating and jarring and uncomfortable. There is an asbestos situation in the new office. It's potentially related to that. Yeah. It's, it's entirely related to that.

All right. Let's get started. This is if I were you the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us in different states. I'm Amir in LA. I'm Jake in New York. I guess LA, New York, different cities, not different states. They're also different states. New York is a city and a state and LA is, I guess only you were wrong in that scenario.

Only LA was wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Sent you some questions. I wanted, I figured let's break in the new studio by having you read them. Right.

So first, first of all, I would like to shout out to my God kids. Yeah. We keep getting submissions. This is like turning into a fricking adoption agency. Yeah. This is, wait, sorry. Let me, let me just find it real quick. Let me find my new, my new son real quick.

Yeah. This was a, it was, the subject was Godfather offer. Oh, was it really? Which is a very funny double entendre. Okay. Yeah. So here this, this gentleman will call him Uncle P writes, cause I'm the new father. Hello.

So it, so it seems like everyone is offering up their one year old daughters to be Jake's goddaughter, but that really leaves the whole family dynamic unbalanced. If you ask me, I would imagine that's a shout out to the Hogan family. Valerie's family specifically. What I have here is a fresh, this is Hogan's baby. What I have here is a fresh three month old boy. That's right. A young man that, that Jake can mold in his image.

What does he listen to on the car ride home from daycare? NAD pod. What nickname does he go by? Hank. Does his mother know about this offer? Absolutely not. Honestly, I can't think of a more perfect young lad for Jake to reign, reign as deity over and a mirror can be like his chipmunk pet or some shit.

No, truly this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for both Jake and Henry. And should I die an untimely death, I'll die a happy man knowing that my pride, joy and legacy is in good hands. All the best uncle P. I humbly accept the offer and I will foster your son. I will raise him as my own sir. So God, you know, Godfather is like in case of emergency, you're not actually taking this kid from this man. I am their new ward.

No. And their lord. No. Yes. I have three kids. I'm a ward of my horde. I am a ward of my horde. What's saying is this?

I have three children today. Yes. So I guess I have, I basically have a freaking daycare running out of head gum, New York. I got, I got one year olds. I got two year olds. I got a three month old. They're all, they're all going ham on the, on the balcony. This kid's very cute.

And might I say, might look the most like you of the three we've gotten. I could see that actually. Like if you showed me this child and we were estranged for 10 years, I'd be like, okay, that's you and Jill's child. Oh yeah. I could definitely see this baby and Jill's kid. And well, and the interesting thing is that it is, which is cool. Well, he said that his, his wife doesn't even know about this offer.

Yeah. But I mean, it's still like, I think it's still like kind of binding. I feel like an email, an email will often hold up as like a contract in the court of law. That's like written correspondence. And, and now this is like a, this is like a verbal affirmation and audio podcast, public record, public domain of me accepting the child. So I, I'm a dad three times over, which is fun. It's a lot of pressure.

Um, but I, I do love, uh, I love, uh, my little, my kids, I love Hank. I love, uh, Rhiannon, uh, and, and of course, I can hear you frantically. Of course. My, my favorite, not that I would ever have favorites, but everly everly. And I love her foreverly. So shout out to my God, to my, sorry, they had me to say God children. I meant to say children's shout out to my two daughters, uh, Rhiannon and Everly. And to my son, Hank, it's pretty cool.

I miss you. Uh, God daddy will come home soon. I just got to record this podcast. Uh, yeah. So any whom, we got some questions. You guys want to know you're in sticky situations. Uh, why don't I read you guys an email about someone who was walked in on in the bathroom. Amir, why don't you give me a name?

Uh, bathroom. Mr. Clean. Very nice. Dear Jake and Amir, today I was sitting on the toilet in my work bathroom, parentheses, office of about 100 doing my business. I always locked the door. So I'm skeptical that I simply forgot there might be something wrong with the mechanism, but I need to do some more research into that theory. Fully in the middle of doing my business, post deed, but pre wipe phone in hands. Someone started opening the door.

If I had been quicker, I think I could have made some more sounds and stopped them before it got too far, but I froze up for a split second and it was too late. The IT guy opened the door and we made eye contact in the mirror before I was able to make some noise. I think I said, whoops, sorry, my bad, as I reached to stop the door. He quickly closed it and left. I haven't seen him since. Maybe he went home out of shock. He didn't see anything too serious, but I was fully compromised with bare thighs. My question is, should I mention it to him like, look, that's on me.

Sorry, I had to see that or something similar. Or do we just avoid each other for as long as possible until we can laugh it off down the line? Any advice you have would be great. Thank you, Mr. Clean. So does he have to apologize for someone walking in on him because he didn't lock the door? I don't think you have to apologize when you're walked in on. That's on the walking in on her person. But isn't it your obligation as the person taking a shit to have locked?

I think he's in the wrong. Well, I guess the first step here is finding out if the door lock works or not because you can't have this happening to other people at the company, right? Okay, assuming it works. So I think you should have done that even before you wrote the email, you selfish prick. And then following, but aside, that aside, that aside, putting your selfishness aside for one second. I think that it's sort of like a mutual, my bad, apology thing, but he's already has apologized. You don't need like a formal apology when someone walks in on you, when you walk in on someone.

It's sort of just like an embarrassed, oh my God, I'm sorry, but it happens. But let's say this guy was masturbating on the toilet. Would he then have to apologize to the guy who walked in on him? Yeah, well, of course, then you're fired, I think, because that's almost like laying a trap. That's like some kind of sick perversion. Well, let's just say like you get off on that kind of shit. Yeah, he sort of gets off to the tension of not locking the door and then jerking it until somebody either walks in on him or jiggles the knob.

That's a different question, man. Here's a question for you. Here's a question for you. If you see a closed door on a bathroom, are you trying the handle or are you knocking? Ooh, good question. If it's at the office? Yeah. I think I knock because usually it's a little ajar if nobody's in there.

People in the LA office are very good about the door is ajar if no one's in and the door is closed if someone is. Are you looking to institute that same policy in the New York office or are you going to sort of change it up a bit? I mean, it's pretty easy because there's only four of us here. So like if you see the door shut to the bathroom, you can pretty easily be like is someone in there and you look around and you can count the people and if one person's missing, you'll assume.

So I wouldn't even knock or try to open. If it's closed and I see someone missing, I don't go. But your office is 100 people. Not ours, but this guy. Right, this guy's. I think what you do is, I think I would knock. So I'm surprised that the guy didn't knock. But the other thing, if I don't knock or sometimes if I knock and I don't hear anything,

I still don't open the door wide. I still don't start to go in. You really have to slowly open the door, allowing enough time for if someone's in there for this, the awkwardness to be avoided. Yeah, first of all, it's weird that the office of 100 people has a single use bathroom. Yeah, I mean, that too. Second of all, this guy's door is completely closed. He's just fucking straight up going for it, like grabbing the handle, twisting,

entering instantly. That's a bold move. Yeah, I think knocking or testing aside what everyone needs to do. The new culture is open the bathroom door slowly. You can't just throw it open. You have to open it. Well, I always walk in backwards. I think you walk in, shield your eyes.

You walk into every bathroom with your eyes covered, just in case. I'll walk into every room. I'm going to leave the studio after we record. I open the door to the studio and my eyes are shielded down and I yell, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You backed out of the studio. Last time I was in LA, you backed out of the studio with your eyes shielded, saying, I'm sorry, then you fell down the stairs.

Yeah, and I profusely apologized to him. That's right. You were loaded into an ambulance covering your eyes saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll open every door with my ass. The studio door is fine because it's sort of a swinging door. It can open either way. So I just sort of push it out with my ass.

That's really nice. But the bathroom door I have to use, I'm using a handle with my ass. Well, a knob with your ass is really the hardest. Yeah, because the knobs are usually too close to the edge of the frame of the door. And you have to really fully spin it. Like a handle, you can just sort of lift up, press it down with your ass, or press it up with your hip. Yeah, with a knob, I have to take it in.

It's a nice round knob. And if it's like a polished knob, like a really polished nickel knob. Yeah, if it's a high polished knob, you're not going to get in with your ass. For me to take the knob in and then twist my entire body is nearly impossible. This is the kind of conversations that we have where I'm really hoping that the soundproofing at the new office works. Otherwise, it's just me yelling across the open floor, a polished knob on your ass. People should be used to it by now.

So would you apologize yes or no? I have one more qualm with doors generally. When I was in Europe, so much of the hardware is really substantial. You have a real latch, something that twists and locks. And sometimes it has like the sound like the side on the outside too that says like vacant or in use. I think it's bizarre that good quality locking handles and knobs exist and then anybody has like a flimsy little button mechanism.

You ever like take a shit at Starbucks and you go in and you press it and you like want to lock the door, but it's a tiny little button and you can't even hear it click. And you're like, you take your life and your hands when you do that. You're like, I think it's locked, but there's not even like a satisfying click. Yeah, and you can't test it out because to test it out, you have to turn the knob with your ass. Right, and turning the knob unlocks it. You need to have a door you can test because otherwise you'll never have the confidence.

Deadbolt. Yeah, a deadbolt is great. We didn't have to improve on the deadbolt. It's perfect. I think it's a lot of metal. Fine. I want metal. I want the handles to be metal.

I want the door to be substantial. I want it to be good hardware, like quality. Give me an iron door. Yeah. All right. Anywhom. I don't think he has to apologize. Yeah.

Would you apologize? No. I think I would say something in the moment. I'm sorry. And then if I saw that guy, I'd make eye contact. I'd try to be like, hey, sorry about that, man. And smile and let them know that it's okay. Because that's like, it's not like, it's not a big deal.

He didn't see anything. That's an apology. What do you mean? When you're like, sorry about that, man. Yeah, yeah, I would apologize. I think, yeah, I guess like a social, I don't think it's like, I guess smoothing it over seems nice. And if that is like an apology to you that I don't think I would really mean it to be

like, I'm really sorry about that. You shouldn't have had to see my thigh. I would have been like, hey, sorry, that was awkward. That was weird. My bad. And then maybe he'd be like, no, I should have knocked. And then you're like, oh, it's all good. And then you guys are friends and it's fine.

Talking about sitcoms, the sitcom version of this or like the Seinfeld version is like, George gets walked in on and then he apologizes and then he gets mad at the other guy for not apologizing to him. Yes, exactly. It's like, I'm sorry you want to walk in and you're sorry too. Yeah. I'm not sorry. Why am I sorry?

You walked in, you didn't knock. That's the code. This is a Seinfeld. Who doesn't knock? Who doesn't lock? The knock is more important than the lock. Wow. That was really good, man.

Thanks, man. I've been working on that for, actually wrote a spec script. Let's go to break. Okay. Yeah, I was going to say we should do a table read, but we could do it during the break. Well, I don't want, I was sorry. I'm sending you the PDF now. I got it.

Wait. All right. You sent it. 54 pages. Yeah. You sent it four times. That's the fifth time. You keep on sending it.

The cold open is at the diner. I have it. Confirmed I have it. Obviously. It's the gang as we know it, sitting down, eating a chowder. They're sort of starting to debate the differences. This is all scene direction, man. We can do this during the break.

It's all scene direction. All right. Let's take a break. We'll come back. We'll try to answer some more questions. I for one cannot wait to hear what you think about coffee. What? All right.

We'll be back on the other side of this. Bye. You know, or a frames for sponsoring this head gum podcast. You know, or a frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire head gum network. Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just father's day. But if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. Personally, these things are perfect.

I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great.

Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame. This is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant.

We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, uh, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah.

She misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes.

And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Through your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something.

That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as

your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEDGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames.

There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. Okay.

Go get your parents something, all right. And use the code HEDGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, aura. And now back to the HEDGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional

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Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift. Oh, hell yeah. You know I come to talk to y'all about some flat whites. Flat whites, which you can or cannot get in America. You can. I mean, now they're pretty ubiquitous in the hip, cool coffee shops that I go to around Brooklyn.

Yeah. It's like a bunch of people like you that's like, you know, in Europe, the doors are so much more sturdy. Anyway. Like, why don't we bolt it anymore? Anyway, this is all me pitching somebody taking your shit at a Starbucks. You didn't lock out at knock. So I think I started liking flat whites the first time we went to Australia.

That was when that was the first time. And it's kind of like, do you know how to describe it? It's just like an espresso drink. I guess it's like with, uh, it's, it's hot milk, but it's not, it's not as foamy as, as a cappuccino and it's not as much milk as a latte. Got it. It says a drink consisting of espresso with micro foam. Micro.

All right. Yeah. So a flat white is a double shot of espresso with micro foamed milk, whereas a latte is a double shot of espresso with steamed milk and foam on top. And of course, a cappuccino is a third of espresso, one third steamed milk and one third milk froth. There's only two ingredients in coffee. It's always just coffee and milk.

So like all these different drinks are just like the ratio of milk that you like to the coffee. Well, I think it's more about the foam because like, at least for, for a latte and flat white, it's kind of the exact same, except the flat white doesn't have as much foam. Sure. Foam, milk, steamed milk, micro foamed. It's all just dairy plus coffee. Well it's all just a way for the two shots of espresso to get into your ass.

That's all, that's what you need. Yeah. Because coffee by itself doesn't taste very good. So you cut it with the milk or the foam or the micro foam. And anyway, I used to, I liked flat whites, but I didn't really like having like, if I got an afternoon coffee, I didn't like to put, I didn't like to get that much dairy in my system. Yeah.

So when this oat milk came around, I started getting these, well, I guess not ever since oat milk came around, but anyway, I tried this oat milk flat white and it is phenomenal. And it's, it's everywhere because oat milk is so popular now. Do you feel like a goober ordering it? No, it's, I mean, not at all. It's like some of the places I go to, it's like the oat milk flat white is on the menu. I think I'd feel like a goober ordering it at Dunkin Donuts. Right.

Do you, do you ask if they have oat milk or you just go for it? I just go for it. There, there was like a few times when I was in Prague that I asked if they had oat milk because I was like, I don't know what the rules are here, but I've never ever been told that they didn't have oat milk. You should go back to New Orleans where I was. A lot of places didn't have any dairy alternative. Oh really?

Yeah. That's interesting. Well, I was shot out to the Bearcat Cafe, which had an oat milk matcha latte that my brother got every morning. Love that. They knew what was up. I think if, I mean for us, like between New York and LA and the coffee shops that we usually go to, you're pretty much always going to be able to get an oat milk flat white.

It's not going to be a problem. All right. Let me ask you this. For like the last 10 years, your goat coffee was an iced coffee from Starbucks. That's great. You pray to the green goddess. I do. Does Starbucks have an oat milk flat white and how does it compare to like other shishi,

fru fru, indie coffee in Williamsburg? My beautiful Mer Queen Starbucks, the true goat, makes a fine oat milk flat white. I got one there before. It does not make as good of a one as my other two to three favorite coffee shops in Brooklyn. What I started trying to do as like recently as maybe a year ago was not go to Starbucks as much as I have. I spent, I would say a decade going every single day, sometimes twice. We would be in some really beautiful, exotic locations, really wonderful places and I would

seek out a Starbucks and that was like a really high priority for me. Yeah. Like in Australia, there's like, they really take pride in their artisanal coffee and you would like goat. And that was where I tried my flat whites. But yeah, I also, I would also try to go to a Starbucks. That's right. That's fair.

And now you're at home. What would you say is the goat coffee that you've had, the goat milk? The goat coffee, I think, this is the other thing. I cut out sugar from my diet like a year ago. So I think what I really liked at Starbucks was the Grande sweetened iced coffee with a little bit of cream and I would never let a barista pour the cream. I had to do it myself because it's a real little bit of cream. And no matter how little cream you say you want, they're always going to do too much.

It's not quite a splash. Now is it holding his name tag? I really want to dribble. I didn't mean to say a splash. Just a drool of cream, please drool. Look at my mouth. Look how little water is coming out of it when I do this. That's how much dairy I want.

But I think what I really liked was the mixture of whatever Starbucks brew was with the simple syrup because I would even get iced coffee with simple syrup other places and I didn't like it as much. But then I started getting my coffee black and since I started drinking it black, I don't like Starbucks as much as a bunch of other places. Do you consider Starbucks a treat? Do you still get the sweetened iced coffee when you're wanting to reward yourself on a Sunday or if you're hungover or something?

Yes. Or do you not even like it anymore? No, I still find it to be delicious and there are times when I crave it, especially on Sundays when I'm hungover. And sometimes when I have a long day of traveling, I'm like, you know what? I'm going to get myself a treat. But I think that's the way it should be instead of like a daily thing. Every single morning, I need my milkshakey treat from Starbucks.

Your soda. What is your daily coffee? I try to do five a week so that I'm never addicted to it, that it still helps. But I still get that the one that you used to get, which is the sweetened iced coffee at Starbucks. You will get that five days a week. Yeah. Five days a week.

Uh-huh. That's disgusting. Or I'm a guy who's had 48,000 over the last decade because you are foul. Such a huge chunk of my net worth into Starbucks. Yeah, five times a week is less than one a day. No, that's great. But you would not have an unsweetened coffee. Even if you got like an almond milk latte, which is kind of naturally sweet, would you

still add sugar? Yes. You like sugar? So far, it hasn't affected me too much. I mean, I am close to 298 right now, but I can always lose that. Wait, you, sorry, say that one more time? I'm 298 pounds, but I feel like a lot of it is just mostly water weight. It's not sugar.

Okay, that's what I, sorry, that's what I thought I heard. That's, I, um, I'm heavy. Damn it. That's hard to process for me. I guess we've been doing the podcast remotely for a little too long because I saw you like a month. We could do the Laurel at Hardy shit now. I thought I saw you a month ago.

You looked. Yeah. It's mostly in the last month. Jesus. Yeah. Sometimes I skip the coffee and I go right for the sweetener. So you're, you're butt chugging simple syrup is what you're doing. Yeah.

I'll shove some high fructose corn syrup right up there. I'm sorry to hear that. Really quick unsolicited device for me. Oh yeah. Flu shot. You getting one? No. Fuck that.

Yeah. People are very anti flu shot. Um, I think it gets a fake bad rap. It actually just reduces your chance of getting a flu. Right. And it's free. Yeah. I don't know why I'm not going to do it.

People think they're like either stronger than the flu shot or maybe a little afraid of needles or just don't want to do it. What I don't like is that I, I think I've gotten it once or at least maybe I just, maybe it's just baked into my psyche, but like you, it makes you feel sick because it, it gives you a little tiny bit of the virus, right? Yeah. And that's like another common misconception that like it gets, it could get you sick. I don't think it could get me sick, but it like doesn't make you feel like queasy for

the afternoon. No. Interesting. It also is like incredibly selfish because you can get the flu and then give it to like dozens of people and you're like, nah, I'm okay. Yeah. I guess that's fair. Is it how long is flu season last?

I think it's the entire winter and it's even worse in like a place like New York where it's colder and you're in constant contact with people on the subway. And you think I really won't get the flu if I get a flu shot or will I just get some kind of flu? I'll still get sick. But the chances of you getting the flu are reduced by 50 to 60%. All right. I'm, I'm mildly convinced.

I think if I was with someone who was getting a flu shot, I would get one too. I just can't really see myself going to a CVS. It's just like whenever you, whenever you pass a pharmacy, you can walk in there and get it for free. Yeah. I probably passed like five. I'm out of my way to work. Not worth it.

Interesting. It's funny that I'm not going to get it. Yeah. It's crazy, right? Yeah. I'm wondering you like a get out of a sick free car and you're just not taking it. We should check in when I have it, when I'm sick. I'll be like, do you regret it?

And I'll say that I do and I'll, I'll get one next winter and then we'll have this conversation again and I won't. All right. Next question. Yeah. Um, this one comes from, I, this subject is, I don't know if I can love you. Oh yeah. A lady.

Okay. Give me a lady's name. A lady named, um, what's the Starbucks mascot's name? Um, I don't know. Does she have one? She's just a mermaid queen. Siren, according to, it's a topless mermaid maid. It's not, she's not a maid.

She's a queen. All right. We'll call this lady Ariel. All right. Cool. Ariel writes. Hi, Jake and Amir. I was hoping that you could give me some solid advice since my friends seem incapable.

I've been in a relationship with a guy for about four months. We met on a dating app and we kind of just went on a date on a whim. Turns out we really hit it off. And from that date on, we haven't gone a single week without seeing each other. We click so well and things have been going great. He's so kind and caring and we have a lot of fun together both inside and out of the bedroom. Well, recently he broke up with me and he said that the reason was that he thinks he couldn't love me, but that doesn't make any sense to me because he treated me like he did love

me even when we broke up just a day before he was flirting with me and telling me how much he couldn't wait to see me. It doesn't add up. My therapist and several of my friends think that the reason that things didn't work out is that things got too intense and intimate too fast and the two of us got scared and the only thing he knew to do was end it. So my question is, should I try to go and get back together with some stricter parameters to make things less intense or should I just give up and move on?

Okay. Siren. So he was being very sweet and then just broke up with her. Right. Out of the blue. The therapist thinks that it's because it got too intense and they got scared. Right. He had to end it.

Okay. My theory is when people are in a relationship, if they plan on breaking up, like they don't give any words of warning, you just sort of continue to lie in love until you finally muster up the courage to break up. It's always out of the blue. Right. I guess not always. Right.

But it's rare that it's like, I mean, well, when things are bad, it's obvious, but also when things are like fine, people are pretty good at like putting on a pretty good face. You know? Yeah. You can have your doubts privately. That's right. You can enjoy talking to somebody and then you can go home and be like, but I don't know. Yeah.

And it seems like this guy was just like having his doubts privately and then saying like, no, I still love you. I still love you. And then one day he's like, all right, finally, I'm just gonna put an end to this because this is not working out for whatever reason. Yeah. I think the real thing, like the takeaway for me is just like, your friends and your therapist might be right.

They might be wrong, but it kind of doesn't matter. Like why the relationship ended, like it is over. So yeah, he doesn't want to be in it, which is definitely true unless somebody's paying him to do this. The reason is a little, it doesn't, it just, it isn't quite as important because there's not like, there's not a solution because it's still the same outcome. He doesn't want to be with you. Yeah.

And you can almost use this as like a, you know, jumpstart to do more exciting things like getting back on the apps and meeting new people and hoping that it works out this time. Yeah. It's good. I think it's never worth like wondering why something ended. Like just remember that it's over and it being over is a fresh start, a new opportunity. Fuck that shit.

Move on. Bye forever. And if he's truly regretting it in a few months, maybe he'll come back to you. And if you're like, okay, maybe I would like to give you another chance if that time comes. But like to say that you want to give him, to try again right now is a little fraught. Yeah. I think that's the other thing about relationships. Like no matter if you want, if you're fine with it ending or if you don't want it to

end, you kind of have to just do the same thing because I don't think I've ever heard of a relationship that is like, I got dumped and then I went back and begged and now we're married. I just had to say that I wouldn't be too intense and he was like that fine with that and then we fell in love even harder. Yeah. So if it's going to be over, no matter what, you can either die with honor or die at Coward. And I die with Valor.

I think dying with Valor gives you a better shot further down the line. If you even want it then when it finally comes up. What about dying with Valor? That's the end of the Hogan, season six. You know what we don't get anymore that I'm going to call out for is people who are in like a text Jake situation. Oh, I would love to talk texts. Yeah.

Send us screenshots. Yeah. Send us screenshots of like, what the hell is going on here? I'm confused about the specific text. We can read it. We can reenact. We can sort of get to the bottom of it, understand both sides of it, be non-biased arbiters. I would love that because actually my brother's on the dating apps and I text for him all

the time. All right. So if you're like in a place, if you're, if anyone's like worried about like me being off my game, I'm not, it's, I've been staying in practice. I'm in peak form. Okay. So like if you're in a situation where you don't know how to respond to someone or you don't know what somebody means about something.

Yeah. Cool. Yeah. So send us some screenshots and we'll try to get to the bottom of it. Love that. Shit. All right. I think that's our episode.

Jesus. Time flies when you're having conversations about beans. I love talking about flat whites with you, man. Real quick. How's your fantasy basketball team doing? That's a great question. I got my ass handed to me by Nick Rad in week one. Do you like your team?

I don't really like my team. Are you enjoying what's happening to the Warriors, which is their inevitable but like very swift demise. I have not really been watching, but yeah, like I see the box scores and I see you tweeting about it. And it's really nice. I do like that. I'm happy.

And do you know Steph Curry broke his hand and he's out for three months? No, I did not. Yeah. Do you like that? Yeah. Well, no, I don't want to be hurt. I just like what the, I want Warriors fans to, to feel shame and sorrow. They were like, but you know, it's weird.

You were a fucking Warrior fan. All right. And now you're also gloating in there in their sucking. Yeah. I'm not gloating in their sucking. You're, you're like retweeting the box scores and shit. I'm trolling and making fun of them, but I'm not like saying this is good. You're not, you don't think it's good, but you think it's funny.

Yeah. I do think it's funny. The Warriors were kind of like my surrogate team. Yeah. You took them on as a surrogate team when they were winning nonstop. And now when they're losing, you're like, huh, this is hilarious. Well, it's because my team, which was great for so long, got really bad. And then the Warriors got really good and started beating all my opponents.

And I'm like, oh, this is great. Warriors are beating San Antonio Sacramento, Portland, so that the Lakers don't have to fuck those other teams. And now that the Lakers are good again, I'm like, okay, Warriors have done their job as the stand-in. I honestly cannot believe that you like, you're such a fair weather fan that you're even your, it's, you liked the Lakers while they were good. And then when they were bad, you liked the team that was really good.

And now they're bad. So you like the Lakers. No, I always liked the Lakers. The Warriors were just my second favorite team. Yeah. It's like, why did you choose them? Because they were beating all the teams I hated. It's shameless.

It's so shameless. The Lakers got bad. And then it's like, oh, I want another team to beat the Clippers. Oh, the Warriors are doing that. Great. I want another team to beat the Rockets. Oh, the Warriors are doing that. This is awesome.

I do have Seth Curry on my fantasy team. What do you think about that? He's oddly as good of a shooter as his brother, just in less of a volume. All right. Cool. Yeah. Seth Curry is like shooting 45% from three. I have Damien Lillard.

That's kind of fun. Oh, he's very good too. Very good team. Yeah. All right. Thanks for asking. If you have any questions or text situations, send them on down to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was Dear Lincoln.

This closing song is an indie rock musician named Lello, and he has a single called Rift plus new music on the way. If you could send people to my Instagram, Lello Music UK or my Facebook page, Lello Music Official, that would be class. If you like what you're about to hear, check out Lello. Class. You want to be class, and you want to be grace, and you want to be valor. You're grace personified, man.

I want to be a flat white. Thank you for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye, everybody. Later. She didn't text me back. She left me in the dark like I thought she might. I think she might be snail trailing up the woods.

Something doesn't smell right. Feeling in a sticky situation Need some help to get out of this place So I ride into a parkhouse Recorded by a mirror and Jake It's if I were you It's if I were you It's if I were you That was a headgum podcast.