If I Were You - 429: Quar-and-A Lightning Round

Episode Date: April 7, 2020

In this episode we discuss our favorite self-isolation outfits, hobbies, and TV shows. Thanks for your quarantine questions!For more IF I WERE YOU check out our bonus Thursday videos on our Patreon.com/JA.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. I played the straight man and a mirror was kind of weird. I've given a lot of thought on the headgum videos. Riley wants to be bad and Jeff is dumb in shows. I think you remember seeing Tony Dukes and Ben. Why these two boys have funnier friends than them? Do you care if I write this intro song? Get out the start, it won't be too long.

Will their answers fill me just with this day? Or is the podcast here just to entertain the dorts? Awesome. Yeah. You better believe that was a boxcar racer cover, right? Oh yeah. There is. Yeah.

So what is boxcar racer? Boxcar racer was toned alongside Project when Blink 182 was struggling. He sort of started another band and he was in boxcar racer. That was before Angels and Airwaves. It was before Blink broke up, before they got back together, and before they kicked Tom out or slash Tom left, and he was replaced by Matt Skiba of the Alkaline Trio. Yeah, so that was by Paul Lumpkin.

So who says this is indeed a boxcar racer parody of there is? Yeah. Boxcar fucking owned. Boxcar was like for when I needed to get a little more emo than Blink would allow, because Blink was like pop punk, goofy, silly, and then boxcar racer was like, actually you're in a mood right now. That's what boxcar racer was for.

Boxcar racer was sort of dashboard confessional adjacent. Wait, boxcar predated Blink 182? No, boxcar, Tom DeLong just sort of made a side band at some stage, like late in Blink's career. Got it. So he's just like, Blink's not giving me what I need right now. It's the equivalent of like me starting a D&D podcast, actually. So it's like you and I are still doing shit,

but it's like it doesn't give me creative joy. It's not fun to do for me anymore. It feels like an obligation, et cetera, et cetera. So I start this other side, side project. It's what beyond not giving you joy. Like what's not what's et cetera, et cetera there. It's not like I guess not giving me joy, but also the et cetera, et cetera is that I feel like it's not doing anything for you

making you a worse guy kind of small things like that. Don't put that on me. Don't consider my emotions because you're clearly not. So when you're saying like it's making me a worse guy, like forget about that side. It's also not quite that because I feel like boxcar never really got as big as Blink, so it'd be closer to like Tom DeLong starting a side band and it was The Beatles or something.

Sorry, you think NADPUN is like The Beatles? At least in terms of like our podcast, you know, at scale or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, like in relation to this podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. I see your eyes are glazing over. You've never been happier than when you're talking about this. You're joy right now. That's right. That's right. Actually, I'm willing to come back to Blink because this is as long as I can come back and just make fun of your ass.

It'll be worth it. You don't want to lose that aspect. That's the one thing that you still like about this show. That's right. I can't really, I can't really make fun of like Murph because he'd kick my, kick my ass in a way. So it's funny. It's funny to make fun of you.

Okay. Yeah. Because we're not going to physically go to blows about it. Especially not over zoom. Yeah. We're recording again remotely, of course, the new normal. I'm in Los Angeles. Where are you?

Upstate New York, baby. Upstate. Upstate. As opposed to downstate. Yeah. You don't want to be downstate. So you're staying up for the time being seeing what nets out in New York City before returning. Yeah.

We extended our stay upstate. I'd rather be up here than down there. Makes sense. But for now, we have lightning round style questions to answer. I asked on Twitter. I asked on Reddit. We have dozens of questions. We're going to try our best to go through them because we got to make up for lost time.

We have an answer to question in a month, I think. Wow. All right. Yeah. So I guess it's about time. So we'll rapid fire some of these bad boys. That's right. And it is about time because, you know, we're settling into the routine.

There's not a lot going on in our lives. There's a lot going on and yet there's nothing going on. So it's good that we have a lot of questions to draw from. Yeah. Do you have a good one to start? I have one that was upvoted to the top of Reddit. Whoa. So, well, I mean, to the top of our subreddit, not to the...

To Karma Heaven? Yeah. It was upvoted, uptoked, as it were, to Karma Heaven. Oh, my God. And it's actually a legal question. So I hope you can speak legalese. Okay. An illegal or illegal?

It's a legal question. Okay. That's good. Yeah. It has to do with rights, ownership, IP. The question comes from... Okay. Hold on.

Let me pour over our employment contract from 2005. All right. I'm ready. That's right. Baiko asks, with the release of a new Jake and Amir episode, does that mean you guys have the rights back and will continue to make more? And then a fingers crossed emoji? At this point, my client has no comment on that topic.

Wow. We can't get into the legal back and forth right now online, but we look forward to having a contract for you guys as soon as possible. That was a really nice maneuver. I thought that would... Whoa. I just got an email. I got an email from College Humor.

We're sued. It was a fucking C&D. Yeah, a cease and desist. I shouldn't have said that. I can't even say no comment. A cease and desist? Well, I'm actually a beast, so I'll resist. So you get thrown in jail?

For making a rhyme? No, Sam, who runs College Humor, he's nice enough to, when we ask him, oh, can we do a one-off about self-isolation or quarantine? He's not going to say no to that. He understands that it would be fun to make. As long as we have individual episode ideas here and there, maybe we can make them. We haven't really discussed coming back on a weekly basis, but maybe there is something there to do.

Yeah. At the very least, we can answer the question and say that we don't have the rights back. We can't legally do this willy-nilly, but we do have a friendship with the guy who owns the rights now versus before when it was a giant corporation that would destroy us in court. With a team of lawyers. So it feels like one-offs are a possibility. And if people have quarantine ideas, they should actually, I feel like they should tweet it

because it was a tweet that we originally saw because a lot of people were tweeting at us that it was like we should come back. And I think somebody tweeted that we should do a scroll video and it just felt right. So if anybody has ideas, tweet them out. Yeah. That actually leads into a question we got on Twitter from lunchtimeyt that said, how is it like filming another J&A, the social distancing scroll, any writing, any challenges with writing and filming with quarantine?

Oh, that's actually, it mirrors another question from Mr. PogramPro that was, how does it feel like? Oh, that's good. I feel like we can answer both of those. Mr. PogramPro, that makes a lot more sense. I thought he was trying to be cute with the name, but it's just Mr. PogramPro. You got it. Yeah.

So we have a new video on Head Gums YouTube and our Facebook, the social distancing scroll video, our first video, and I think four years since the Donald Trump episode, we brought our characters back. Writing it wasn't hard because just like riding a bike, we know what these characters are after playing them for 10 years. Having a scroll video be the one that comes back is a bit more easy because there's such a tried and true formula right there. Yeah.

You kind of know exactly how it has to go. The worst that it is, the better it is for the scroll. So if you're just like quickly, word association, a random rhyme that's really dumb, that's actually good for the episode. Yeah. And the rhyme scheme is always laid out by the number itself. So it really, it's a pretty foolproof method. I kind of feel like, I think the Trump thing probably poured out of us at that point because

we'd only even been retired for like a year or two. Right. But yeah, I wonder, I feel like writing it, we wrote over FaceTime for kind of like the rough draft and then we just passed a script over email to fine tune it. That's right. And that part wasn't hard. Shooting was a little more difficult because we tried to get the audio and the video right and we ended up just using the audio from the camera.

Yeah. Your video looks better than mine too. Mine is, my size doesn't match, which was sad for me. Yeah. And I also like had my computer off of my lap a little bit. I feel like we'll get better at this though if we keep on doing a quarantine video. It did remind me of like our first videos where I'm like, okay, the video and the audio are both related to the source like they're all both coming from the camera.

So I can't really like overcut a lot. And then like as I was editing, I was like, oh, this is just what it was like like with the power shot cameras in 2007 where it was like super rough around the edges. I had to like clean the transitions from your clip to mine and hope the like room tone matched. Yeah. I thought it looked and sounded solid for, I mean, for the circumstances. Yeah. Like when is the last time we've shot it?

We've written a Jake and Amir recently, but when is the last time that we shot one ourselves? That's been like 10 years, right? Yeah. And our iPhones now are probably a lot better than the cameras that we bought for $600. Yeah. Our iPhones are as good as the HD cameras that John, the first iteration of those HD cameras that John and John Karla were using at best, right? So yeah, writing it was fun.

Shooting it might have been a challenge, but acting in it was felt natural. Yeah. I felt like because of the remote recording, there's a little less improv though too. Maybe we can introduce that. I don't know. It's like, it's a little harder because you don't want to start talking over each other. Yeah. So a couple of days later, I did a Jeffrey the dumbass with Jeff and he, we did like

a FaceTime thing, but he edited it in post to make it a lot tighter. So maybe I can steal that method of post production and bring it to the Jake and Amir universe. That would be cool. Especially because we own every single thought that Jeffrey James has. We locked him up with that like IAC level contract from head go. Yeah. Now we got the team of lawyers. Yes.

We own the dreams that he has. Beowulf0125 asks, will we hear from Hugo again? Hashtag Hugo style. Oh. Yeah. I did a D&D podcast before the Great Awakening in Old World Times and I played a character named Hugo who, do you remember what he was? Was he an elf?

Hugo was a gnome. You were, I believe you were a middle age balding gnome with a belly button ring and high heels. Is that right? Okay. Yeah. That's right. You were sort of a, you played, you role played as I guess a manager of sorts.

Yeah. Like, that was your story, but like mechanics wise, you were a gnome rogue and you joined the Christmas special of NADPOD. So if folks can go back and listen to it, it was chaos. Amir kind of broke the system down all around us. I think we've talked about it, at least the D&D crew has talked about having you come back like kind of annually for the Christmas episodes, which I think is really fun. Oh, that's nice.

I always wanted to be a Christmas tradition. Yeah. It's right. So you won't be like part of the canon story, but you'll be part of that. No. You'll be Christmas canon, which is a non-canon side mission type thing that we do. Which is a cool nickname as well. The Christmas canon.

It's like for a guy who's really religious and has an awesome arm like Phillip Rivers. That could be his nickname. That's true. All right. JengusRoundstone aka Roundstone7 on Twitter asks, what's the goat quarantine outfit? The goat quarantine outfit. Yeah. That's a good question.

Are you getting dressed? Are you putting on clothes in the morning? Well, I found the happy medium of getting dressed by putting on sweatpants. Athleisure I think is the goat quarantine outfit because I can like wear Nike sweats out where I wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable wearing them to work, but I can wear them like on a dog walk and I can also wear them around the house. And I feel like one step up from pajamas, but still really comfortable and cozy on the day.

Yeah. I actually, I pretty much do the exact same thing, but I'll tell you a little life hack that'll make you feel kind of nice. It's like a soft flannel shirt, something about, like it's still comfortable, but something about wearing something with a collar that makes you look really well put together. So a flannel shirt with Nike sweats. That's what I've been wearing. That's your goat quarantine outfit.

That's right. Yeah. All right. Collar shirt, sweatpants. And a hat. What are you doing for haircuts? Well, I am not doing anything for haircuts, so I'm just letting the hair grow. I have a baseball cap though that I'll throw on.

If I've got a, I've got a zoom call and I'm looking extra greasy, I'll put on a baseball hat. You better believe that. Go Yankees. I hope the season starts someday. It will. Are you still showering? I, they'll be doing zoom baseball.

Can you imagine? I am showering. Yeah. Cause I'm working out every day actually. Oh yeah. That's cool. I want to ask you about that. About exercise or showering?

Yeah. Like what are you doing to work out every day? I am doing, all right. Well, a couple of different things that actually I think had been really helpful. One just for me personally, I do like a yoga thing in the morning. So wake up, do it's mostly like a stretch yoga thing. Then I have a group of friends, Jill, Jill's friend Alexis and Jill's friend Jesse. They're my friends now too, but they were originally just Jill's friends.

We have a little text thread called core for and we will have a zoom workout with each other every single day. And we plan out a different, like each person takes turn planning the workout. Oh wow. So Alexis has a, she's a member of the Peloton app. So she'll screen share with us and we'll all do a Peloton workout. I have Chris Hemsworth app center. So I'll share my screen and we'll do a center workout.

And that's kind of nice because you get to see people, you get to work out together and it feels good to sweat. The other thing that sometimes I do is ride my bike. Oh yeah. That's nice. A little outdoor. Yeah. So I tend, I work out maybe twice a day, sometimes three times if I also do a bike ride.

Are you getting a sweat in or is it mostly just like keeping your core and muscles engaged? When we do the, when we do the core for workout, I get a solid sweat. Yoga I don't sweat at all cause it's pretty light. It's way, it's totally more for like my mental state and feeling stretched out. Bike ride, maybe a small sweat, but it's not, it's pretty, it's not too bad. What about you? Are you exercising? Not really.

Cause like the day before the quarantine, I basically hurt my rib playing basketball. So I was going to have to take three weeks off anyway, which led me to like today basically. So I was like, all right, now I'm ready to play basketball again, but I can't do that. So I have to figure out how do I, how do I get a sweat in? I'll be tall as a jump rope. All right. There you go. Bands.

Do you have any bands? I don't think we have bands, but between jump roping and like anything that, you know, you could do with an app like burpees, squats, sit ups, push ups, there's enough there for me. I just haven't done it yet. I need to start. You want to join our zoom workouts? Let me, let me build up a little bit of endurance first before you add me to the class.

Yeah. We'd have to come up with it. Core four is really solid for four people. So we'd have to find a good, a good name for the, the five, but we'll figure it out. It's, it's, it'd be worth it. I think the greasy five starring you go. We also have a total party kill. All right.

You got a question. What is, yeah. Chasing Carly. What is your go to karaoke song? What's the best karaoke song? Can we get a head gum karaoke live stream a lot, jack box? I definitely don't feel up to karaokeing on a live stream. I feel like I can only phone in my happiness so much, but I think I do like this question

because it lets me fantasize about the a day and the perhaps distant future where we can do a karaoke party again. Yeah. I definitely have not thought about karaoke in a couple months. Karaoke is the opposite of what's going on here. It's getting together in a sweaty room and a place that you would never go to and just like drill spit and scream into each other's ear. Sharing a microphone.

That's like the end of. Let's just, that's the end of the tunnel. Great. So let's look at the end of the tunnel. Let's just allow ourselves to escape and to fantasize real quick. What's the goat karaoke song? This was gonna, we were, me and Micah were gonna do this on the goat show like the week before we all had to go into quarantine.

So that's why it's also on my mind. Interesting. It's tough because you want like one that people can sing along to one that you can sort of dominate during the verses, but the chorus is like a sing along one that's known to you, but also to everyone else. I like Motown Philly a lot from Boys to Men, but it requires men of a certain age. I see. On T and T to enjoy it.

I think the goat karaoke song is Champagne Supernova by the way. That's a good one. Because everyone will sing. It's just, it's just like you said, everyone will sing that chorus. One day you will find me. I mean, oh yeah, everyone's going to join in on that shit. Actually, there's another Oasis on that might be better, which is don't look back at anger. That's right.

I actually, I remember, I think you did that at a college humor karaoke party and it absolutely crushed. Yeah. Just, it just, for me, it's more fun to sing so Sally can wait than Champagne Supernova. Hmm. Interesting. Yeah. Well, Champagne Supernova is a little, I think it's like happy.

Interesting. I guess I don't ever consider joy anymore, but yeah, maybe it's happier. Okay. Your turn for a question. Have you guys started any new hobbies during the quarantine asks live Burke social that will continue when it's over? I was thinking about this yesterday and bringing it right back to exercise. Like I feel like I've been getting a solid workout with like kettlebells and bands at

home and like doing that work, like a workout with friends. And also just being able to like load up my phone, get a workout done in like 45 minutes versus when it before when I'd like go to the gym, unpack, put my stuff in a locker, go walk around the gym floor, take a shower, go to work. Like I think I can effectively work out at my house and it's so much faster. It saves me a ton of time. I think that even in, in the better days when everything has opened up again, I'm like, I would perhaps continue to work out at home.

I mean, it's not just a ton of time. It's a ton of money too. You're probably saving thousands of dollars a year just using an app at home. Yeah, definitely. I mean, these apps right now, they're most of them are doing like long free trials. And there is a monthly cost, but it's definitely less than the gym. It's also funny because I always fantasized about being a member at Equinox and using keels that fucking keel soap and the eucalyptus towel and shit.

Like I could just buy nice soap at my house and I don't need to go to the gym for that. I can live in an Equinox if I could paid $19 for a bottle of conditioner. Yeah, that's it. And I would have the fucking funds. What about you? Is there anything that you're... Oh, and maybe cooking. We're definitely cooking a lot more and I feel like I like what we're eating.

Yeah, not spending as much money on restaurants might be a hobby that goes forward. I'm making iced coffee at home. By making, I mean buying a jug of it and pouring it into a glass myself rather than going to Starbucks and things. Someone $3 to do it for me. Yeah. The jug will save you a ton. The jug saves you mugs.

That's right. Well, it actually doesn't... Don't you use your mugs? And the mugs will save you nugs. I'm just using a classic glass jar and I'm saving... Like I said, $3 a day times 300 days a year, $1,000 a month, $1,000 a year, and I'm stealing the coffee so it's completely free for me. Wow.

That is... That's a come up. Anything else? Well, we've, amongst my friends, had an online poker game every Sunday night, which is very fun because it's like, oh, how was your week? We're catching up. We're playing poker and it's like, not quite the same as being around a table with friends, but pretty darn close because we're on Zoom chatting with each other, playing on our phones,

and then at the end of the night, we've enmoe each other. I'm like, oh, this is great. We should do this regardless. Yeah. That's true. I think Zoom is showing, or I mean video conferencing in general. I won't promote just Zoom, but it makes it very apparent how easy it is to see folks that you don't see that often.

We had a Zoom hangout with my parents and all my sisters and my brother, and it's not like we hang out all the time when there's not a pandemic. So it's just this pandemic got us to all get on the phone at one time, but it's something we could do in better health as well. Yeah. I'm very curious about this virtual Seder that's going to be happening across America and how that goes versus an actual Seder. We'll have an update on that next week.

The internet's going to crash. The Jews will crash the internet. We'll feel like slaves in Egypt again. Let's take a break and thank some sponsors and we'll come back with more questions after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake.

Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah.

For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents.

There are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're a great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. A photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame.

We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. She misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could

go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh, my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. You told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. We let her know with an aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. You can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame.

Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. It's A-U-R-A frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is.

Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's auraframes. A-U-R-A frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something, all right?

And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, aura. To the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult

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Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the fire. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Um, yeah, I've been using this app that I kind of like called House Party. Okay. So first explain to me because your brother invited me two weeks ago. I forgot to sign up and then you were like, you got to get House Party.

I'm like, all right, I'll sign up. So I signed up for House Party. I didn't know what it was. Looks like Snapchat. I sent you a video, never heard back, and that's the end of my House Party. So I guess I'm really curious what the hell House Party is, how to use it, why I'm not involved. House Party, I'm not, I'm 34.

So I'm not in time. I'm not like as good at it as my brother. The only way that I've used it is like, you kind of log on to House Party. You see who else is online. Like my brother and I went online and like Dave and Jeff were there. So we like could click on their names and we all basically joined into a four way phone call. Okay.

And there are games within the app that you can sort of just like launch and play as you're on that phone call. So for example, um, oh, and also I don't fully know how it works because when I signed up when I downloaded it, um, I like, my sister was there. I pressed her. All of a sudden I see my sister. And then we were talking and all of a sudden Arielle Vandenberg just came on the screen also.

So it was like me, my sister and Arielle. It sounds like you're describing a dream. It's crazy. Yes. But like it's, it's, I think you can lock your House Parties, but if they're public, people can just join them. So it's a video chat with built in games. Yes.

All right. So here's, this is what we've played with my sister and Arielle. Um, we played this game where I guess it's like, I guess it's like charades or something or no, a Pictionary, um, Arielle was getting clues and she was drawing them. So there's like a fourth little screen where we see just, uh, like a whiteboard, uh, she's drawing. And all of us are guessing when we guess it correct, she presses a button and she gets the next clue and she's drawing.

So we're just guessing what she's playing, uh, what she's drawing, trying to get like a high score. Got it. Got it. So it's sort of like a jack boxy quip lash, but built in video chatting within it. Yes. Exactly. Oh, and actually, you know what?

I also, I'd recommend, uh, like jack box and quip lash and that stuff. I played a game of Drawful with, uh, Mike and Sarah and Nick and Laura last week too. Yeah. Those games have been fun. We did a few head gum live streams with that and it's been fun. I think those are also on the head of YouTube channel. That's right. Yeah.

Uh, but we should, which we should play house party. All right. Now that I'm in, you can invite me to shit. All right. Sweet. I will. I've also been playing Mario Kart online. Funny story about Mario Kart.

I've been playing for about a week. Uh, I haven't played Mario Kart since like Mario Kart 64. So I guess a lot of the things have changed since then, uh, but I've been playing for about a week, getting better. You can play online with friends. So if I'm playing and Ben's playing and then Jesse's playing in Marica, playing, we can all play a race against each other. Wow.

Uh, so I've been doing fairly well with myself and then, uh, Ben invited one of his friends who has been playing a lot, uh, or has been playing a lot and he destroyed us. And I was like, wow, how are you so good? And he's like, well, I think your auto steering is on. And I was like, what's that? And he's like, well, by default, the game, uh, has a setting called auto steer, which doesn't allow you to crash into walls and doesn't allow you to fall off course. Like remember on old rainbow rows where you could fall off?

Yeah. So one of the things I liked about this game is that I never fell off and like, oh, this is good. I'm like, never, I'm doing pretty good. It turns out I like, I had like bowling bumpers on this entire time. Yeah. You were playing with the bumpers. Yeah.

That's pretty much like a setting for five and six year olds that don't know how to play. I was like, oh, okay. So I turned it off and I was awful at it. Wait, but he was so good because he turned his also if you turn it off, you can go a little faster and you could do some shortcuts that I didn't have access to. I see. So the problem is I turned it off and I just started crashing into every wall and falling off every course and getting like, like I was using kid mode and I was like, I'm pretty

good at this game. And then when I turned it off, I was awful at it. And now that you've seen the light, do you feel like you can't go back to kid mode or are you fine going back to kid mode? I shouldn't. I cause to, to attain the level I want to attain, which is to become like a competent Mario Kart racer. I have to take the kitty, the training wheels off and read, reintroduce the game to myself

as an adult. So you're doing that right now. Yeah. That's what I have to start doing right now. So we got to finish this episode because I have to, my training starts at 10. All right. This one comes from Henry JG 23. This is a question for the man.

So Amir, you can fuck off with that chipmunk shit. Jake, in a time like this, for a lack of a better term pandemic, everything seems to be changing, but I can always count on one constant. And that is you winning the golden mic, basically every podcast ever. And for that, I thank you. Wow. Okay. My question.

If you could go back in time and choose a different animal to be your writing partner, which animal would it be? That's a good question. Not really. Did you have to read the whole like, what was the, there was like a two minute little preamble of a guy fucking waxing philosophical about his opinion. That had nothing to do with it. I thought it was pretty concise and to the point, and I mean complimentary to us both,

which I thought was pretty cool. It was both. So I felt like it was, yeah. He called me the man. He called me a chipmunk. He said, you win the golden mic and that I don't deserve it. Yeah. But that was in jest.

All right. Just answer the question. That was in jest. A monkey. I think monkeys are super cute. Maybe like an orangutan because they know sign language, which is actually a little more than a mirror can can do. So yeah, a nice sweet little orange orangutan.

I think that'd be pretty cool. I think that'd actually be really cool. That's enough. And I can imagine that my little monkey friend. I bet he'd give me a run for the money on that old golden mic thing. I really do. I feel like we'd have more of a split pile than this one man show that you all have been listening to for so long.

But nonetheless, I'd give you a run for the monkey. That's good. That's really good. That's really good. It's not golden. Don't look at me like that because it's not golden. Because you already said that you had you had a heart out for this show, which means you're not dialed in.

You're not dedicated. And for that, you get a turdy. All right. Do you have any questions? Yeah. Wait, first of all, have you seen Tiger King, this show that everyone's talking about? No, I have not. I started I watched a little bit over Jill's shoulder because she was watching it.

It looks fascinating. I will. I'll probably watch it. Got it. Have you got have you gotten into a new show? Love is blind. I got super into love is blind. Have you finished it?

Yes. I finished it in three days and I I really hate reality TV. I like kind of pride myself and not even like just abstaining from it because I like it, but just like it doesn't even appeal to me. And I feel like that's a cool thing about me and I don't have a lot of those. So I'm like, I really like celebrate the fact that I like don't. I couldn't name all of the Kardashians if I saw a photo of them. I wouldn't know which one to switch, you know, like I like that.

I don't like reality TV and sorry, where is this headed? It's headed the fact that you fucking are obsessed with love is blind and the bachelor now I've not watched. I can't watch anything else, but look, I did the same way that I was watching Tiger King like Jill was watching it and I'm like looking over her shoulder. I get like, I'm like, this is so stupid. I come back. I'm like, who's this guy?

And then I come back and like, oh, who is this lady? Like what? They love each other. And then I like finally I'm just like, all right, I am into it. I sit down. I watch. I'm obsessed. I watch nonstop for two days and like the finale and the reunion, I treated like it

was it was like the Game of Thrones finale. Like I we made popcorn. I sat down. I'm like so into it. It was all right. Time for a new time for a new cool thing that you like about yourself because not liking reality TV no longer applies to you. Well, I only like this one show.

Okay. I only have only seen this one show. I'm not going to watch anything else. I can't. I really can't. This is what you said. You're like, I pride myself on not even like not just being one of those guys that gets obsessed with it.

So he abstains. Yeah. That's what you are now. You would get obsessed with it. You're abstaining. But I've seen other reality shows and I don't like them. I think that like the maybe reality competition shows are more of my speed. We watched an Orthodox, which I think was a Jill recommendation and that was awesome

too. Sort of the opposite of reality TV. It was a really interesting, well done drama, well acted. So I'm okay admitting that I watched it, the story deep dive into the cultural implications and just the production aspect was so fascinating. But who did you think? Who did you think was the hottest guy on love? Giannina and Damien actually had a really powerful connection.

No, I watched on Orthodox too. I'm well, I'm only three episodes in, but I liked it a lot. What are you guys looking forward to writes Don Juhoti once this court restrictions are all lifted. So what's one thing that you can say I'm really looking forward to doing this one specific thing. Jill and I were on a walk yesterday and she asked me that exact same thing. It's, I guess I really am just looking forward to like going to a restaurant and sitting

on a patio and drinking a bottle of rosé. I don't know if I really could do that. I want to be surrounded by people at a restaurant. Since somebody talking to you and like, you know, they accidentally spit a little bit and it lands on your lip and you don't think you're going to die, that'll be a nice feeling. That's going to be a hard feeling to come out of like it really even like going to the grocery store, you know, like when you're, when now when you're in the grocery store, you just give people such a wide berth, you know, like I wouldn't have before I would

have never had a problem with like somebody reaching past me to like get up, get milk. And now it's like, Oh, do you need to be the only person in front of the cheese for a minute? I'll, I'll wait six feet away from you. A couple passed me on a walk once and I was like recently and it was like almost like shoulder to shoulder. I was like, Whoa, buddy, you hear the rules? We're both dead now. If you're going to pass me, I use one person's on the sidewalk, the other's in the street.

You know that. Cars don't exist anymore. So you can just start walking in the middle of Fifth Avenue. Everything is really nice with so, with so little traffic and riding my bike has been really nice too. What about, what about you? What are you looking forward to? Going to the office, seeing coworkers again, face to face, potentially going to a social

event, a gathering of sorts, playing basketball with 15 friends at the same time. That'll be a fun get. Oh yeah. And watching basketball. I haven't watched basketball in three weeks now. Actually, one of these questions is about basketball. Let me, oh yeah, Lush says, why did this virus hit when the Lakers were doing really well?

I had them going straight to the final four with the, yeah, I was talking to some B-ball buddies about which basketball players would be the most upset if the NBA season gets canceled, which it's starting to look more and more every day like it will be. I think somebody asked that on Twitter. Like what? Oh yeah. What is the alternative? They'll come back in June for like a, will they extend the season or is it just going

to be like whoever had these records is going to be in the playoffs when they come back? So dude LeBron is good as the guy who asked, is the NBA season coming back? They're sort of holding out hope to be like, all right, there was 20 games left in the regular season, but if we skip that and go right to the playoffs and it started in July, could we do like an abridged version of the playoffs? How much can we sacrifice without it not being like a true champion because nobody wants to like ramp up, start playing and then everyone's like, oh, that wasn't a real champion anyway. That doesn't count.

LeBron didn't really get his fourth ring. That was a weird playoffs, an asterisk if you will. It feels like the teams are so, like, but the big teams are so good that I, I wouldn't, I would not be like, that's not a real championship. It just feels like the basketball teams themselves are so much more interesting than they were last year that I would still be into a championship and I wouldn't be like, that's an asterisk. I mean, people are watching NBA players play video games. So people will watch for sure.

The question is like, what will be the level of play when you tell professional athletes like, all right, take a month off and stay in your apartment. Don't even shoot a basketball for a month and it's like, all right, and let's start playing the playoffs. You're like, these are, these people are going to be rustier than they are in the preseason starting playing a post season. It just doesn't work. And you can't have crowds there, you know, for at least until there's a vaccine.

I would think you can't have 20,000 people in an arena. So they're playing by themselves in an empty arena, maybe in a city that hasn't been affected a lot. Like there has been talks about, let's get every playoff team and put them in Kansas City for a month and just have them play like on one court, a rotating tournament style. But then you have to test everybody and we don't have testing capabilities. It just seems like it's too, too tall of a task right now. Yeah.

And then like one person gets it and the NBA looks very, very bad. Yeah, exactly. Or like you have a team of doctors there and not in New York City because they want to like test Dwight Howard to see if he has a fever before playing a game. Yeah. And I've already moved on to canceling football. Canceling basketball is old news. Let's, let's talk about a league that starts in September.

And if we're going to be able to play that damn, I wonder what they're going to do with Premier League. Yeah. And Europe, it's even worse sort of because, you know, Spain, Italy, they're being affected more than America. Favorite delivery food. Have you guys done takeout and delivery or are you guys being super cautious about that? We have just been cooking everything.

What about you? Yeah, same. I mean, it feels silly because like, you know, you're supposed to support local restaurants and get takeout. But for whatever reason, it scares me to like have a delivery person or somebody preparing the food and I don't know, we're being like extremely extra cautious. But I guess it can't be transmitted through hot food anyway. So maybe it doesn't matter.

I just feel like everybody, everyone has such a strong opinion on like supporting your local restaurants or like don't have any contact with the outside world. Like I just don't know. There's no, I kind of hate it, honestly. Yeah. And I have, I have friends who have been super cautious and cooked every meal at home. And now feel sick. And I have friends that get takeout all the time and just feel fine.

And a lot of it feels the luck of the draw. Here's a silly question from Derb X. X Derb's X. What's grosser a banana mayo sandwich or a peanut butter pickle sandwich? So how about which one would you rather eat of those two? Was it's banana mayo and pickle peanut butter? Yeah. Damn, it's tough.

It's I, I like both mayo and bananas separately, of course. I love peanut butter and I don't like pickles that much. But I think that this, like the sweet and sour mixed with the peanut butter will probably go better. So I'll do that. Yeah. I think the mayo thing rubs me the mayo and banana just seems like a creamy mushy mess to me, peanut butter, pickles and mayo intrigued.

I, I could picture peanut butter pickles somewhere on a menu, a very adventurous one, but not banana mayo. That feels like a dare. You had one. Yeah. That's a nice little one to end on. Uh, which one of Ben Schwartz's characters from J and A would die quickest during a pandemic and which one would thrive?

That is from chunk of water. Ooh. So we got the, uh, the park ranger one who's out and about sort of socially isolating. He seems like he can survive longest. Oh, that's true. Which one is, uh, the park ranger? Is that Scoby losses, Jim? No, it might be carrot slat.

Oh, no, wait. Bear grills. Oh, no, this is Stanley. So Stanley, I think Stanley. Yeah, that's right. Stanley Stanley grills. Who the fuck is Stanley grills? The one that would die is, um, the interrogator, office of us, office

interrogator, he, uh, blew someone that wasn't socially distant at all. Yeah. Blew a stranger. What was that guy's name? The one who wanted to find out who's shit in the copier. Um, oh man. I truly have no idea. Is there a list somewhere?

I think there is. Yeah. There's carrot slat. There's Scoby losses, Jim. There's Joe Rogan. No. Oh, look, Seth Rogan, there's, um, okay. So it looks like he, he's got Amir Blumenfeld, Jope, Scoby losses, Jim,

Stanley, carrot, slat, Charles Krushtust, Oh, Sulu candles. Right. Cherry dude and Ben Schwartz. So do you remember which one was office interrogator? It's one of those middle three. I don't know. There's also some, I think there were a couple of times where he didn't have a name.

Yeah. I'll guess Charles Krushtust. Charles Krushtust. Yeah. I'll guess that he didn't have a name. No, that's impossible. That was, that was what, that was the only joke we would pre-write. Yeah.

Well, that's my, that's my theory and I'm sticking with it. Final answer. No name. No name. You can add us and let us know. Yeah. Let us know. Uh, all right.

Thanks so much for listening. Thanks for your questions. Yeah. If you want more quest or if you have more questions or theme song submissions, send them to, if I were you show at gmail.com emails are still up and running. They sure are. That's one thing that pandemic can't take away from us. Not yet.

Anyway. Um, the, the opening one was that boxcar racer parody. Uh, I don't know if I said his name, Paul Lumpkin. He says, cheers and go dogs. Uh, he wants to shout out his, I believe you did say his name. He wanted to shout out his boys, Dylan and Jordan. So thanks Paul for writing. Oh yeah.

Well, we didn't do. Yeah. Thanks Paul for writing the opening boxcar racer parody. And this closing one was written by Dara Connelly. Dara, it's like an Irish name, D A R R A G H Connelly. Oh yeah. I had a friend named Dara growing up. So you said he wrote a theme song to episode 23 and it took him another seven years to

make another. Wow. I hope it's worth the wait. Uh, so thanks Dara. Thanks, uh, Paul. Thanks to you guys for listening and we'll be back next week. Peace. Stay home.

Stay safe. Stopped into the shop while I was making my way home. I brought credit for my fall and a honeycomb tolber on. I downloaded the latest episode of Jake and Amir. The audio wasn't very clear, but I had to persevere. Had guns for me. Had guns for you. Let's all watch if I were you.

The show for me, the show for you. Let's all watch if I were you. That was a hit gun podcast.