If I Were You - 432: Suck My Stamp

Episode Date: April 27, 2020

In this episode we discuss porn names, original artwork, and the GOAT state.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Let's do corn chomps, your favorite childhood snack Take a bite, it's a corn delight, let the chomps bring a tear to your eye, the best corn you've ever had, cream or otherwise. Let's do corn chomps, your favorite childhood snack. Now with 20% less fat than Fraumix. How much of that is directly from a video and how much is new lore? The corn chomps was from a video, Snacks, a headgun video. And I recall that. And then the theme song is just a classic eighties, nineties theme song and or jingle.

The jingle is all original, like you never said corn chomps, you know, let's do corn chomps. I did say that, but I don't know if I said you did your favorite childhood snack. So like the slogan was let's do corn chomps. Yeah. It wasn't even a slogan. It was just like, you know, like corn chomps, you know, like let's do corn chomps. That's good.

That's good. I don't care. I don't care. That's good. I still had it back then. This theme song is great. I think that like it really adds something to snacks. I know you guys just, you guys just wrote a squeakable to that, right?

The fourth. Yeah. We wrote, I think it was a quadrilogy at this point and we wrote the fourth snacks together on a live stream and we're going to shoot it sometime soon. So this feels like this feels like an evolution like that you guys could actually produce the jingles. Oh, that's cool. It almost feels like an SNL sketch if the jingles are there.

Yeah. Remember the value in full house, Jesse and I think Uncle Joey wrote jingles for a living. Yeah. They had a lot of different odd jobs because Joey was also like the voice of a kids program. He was a puppeteer. They had a radio station. Yeah. Jesse was so cool and he wrote jingles.

Then he was also in Jesse and the Ripper. Yeah. He was Rippers. He was a musician, but also like insanely hot. Nobody, I mean, they mentioned that he was like a woman freak and like a cool dude, but nobody was ever like, you know, Uncle Jesse is a fucking like stone cold stunner. Like he's a fucking male model level hot. Why aren't we talking about like hottest guy we've ever seen.

Yeah. And he just lives with his brother-in-law. Yeah. Well, he loved the kids. He loved DJ and Stephanie and Michelle. We all love the kids. That's why he would live there. He's also a stand up guy because like, yeah, he moved in with his widow brother-in-law.

That's fucking awesome of him. That's how hot he was. Yeah. John Merzel Kowski is the guy who made that theme song for us. Nothing to plug, writes John, except the Buffalo Bills who are going to win the Super Bowl this year if the season actually happens. Nice. I hope it happens and I hope they win.

I hope they go all the way. Yeah. The Bills have a good chance this season because Tom Brady is finally out of their division. Oh, Interest, Sante. And isn't Gronk going to the Bucks? Yeah. Gronk is following him to Tampa Bay. That's kind of baller, but I can never root for a Florida team.

It won't happen. Why? What's your beef against Florida? I don't know. I just don't find it sexy. Interesting. It's not as sexy as fucking Massachusetts, you know? Nothing is sexier than Concord.

There's some states. Concord is in New Hampshire. But that's really sexy to be part of New England like that. Right. Well, New Hampshire is a hot state. There are some states that are hot and others that are not. Okay. So, for example, LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, four titles or four championship appearances,

two titles for the Miami Heat. That's not hot to you. That's not sexy. Interesting. Florida doesn't have swag. Okay. It's like, yeah, we have weather, but it's kind of swampy. And California also has nice weather.

So, California's the sexy, okay? I see. What about the San Jose Sharks, a Bay Area hockey team? Oh, interesting. Well, the state of California is sexy, so that's a sexy team. That counts. Yeah. It's all state-based.

Okay. What about it's not city-based? A sexy city, but it's in Florida, and that's not a sexy state. Okay. What about the Colorado Rockies, the baseball team? Yeah. That's a hot. That is a hot state.

Colorado. That's sexy. Doesn't get hotter than that. Yeah. That's cool. Rocky Mountain High, that's awesome. Yeah. Okay.

Colorado's hot. What about the Chicago Bulls? Illinois is not a hot state. There's nothing hot about it. It's not. No. It's just not. I'm sorry, but it's not a hot state.

Okay. So, Chicago's a cool city, but Illinois is not a hot state. Okay. Okay. Sorry. Yeah. What about the Nashville Predators, the hockey team from Tennessee? Tennessee, not that hot.

Mmm. Not a hot state. Interesting. Yeah. Welcome back to Hot Estate or Not Estate, where we sort of dissect various states and Jake tells us whether they're hot or not. Or if they're not a state. For instance, if you asked me something that wasn't a state, I'd be able to tell you

that it wasn't a state. You take great pride in state capitals, right? That's right. Yes. How'd you do on my little Instagram story quiz the other day? I think I got them 100% correct. If I recall, it was, what's the capital of Kentucky? Is it Frankfurt or Lexington?

Oh, yeah. And it is Frankfurt. That's correct. The second one was, what is the capital of Pennsylvania? Is it Harrisburg or Philadelphia? And it is Harrisburg. That's true. And then lastly, it was, what's the capital of Oklahoma?

Is it Tulsa or Oklahoma City? And I think that it is Oklahoma City. That's correct. Three for three. Wow. Wow. The ones that always trip me up that I still, like even right now, I don't think I know what South Dakota or South Carolina is.

Yeah. It's hard because by default, you just want to say the most famous city in that state. And that's sometimes true, but sometimes not. Right. But what's the most famous city in South Carolina? It's Charleston. Yeah. But I think it's Columbia.

Yeah. Columbia is the capital. That's right. And then, well, I mean, what's the most famous city in South Dakota? It's got to be Bismarck, right? Bismarck's the capital of North Dakota. That was a trick answer. So I was going to say Pierre.

Pierre is right. I knew it's a fucking French one. I actually spent a very amazing summer, winter, into fall in Pierre when I was 11. Winter into fall. Well, how does that work? Because it was summer, then it was winter, then it was fall. Yeah. Because like when you're in Pierre, it really felt like everything, because I was sort of

was using poetic license to like describe how my nine months there felt like it was just a fleeting vision quest of sorts. Some artists study abroad in Paris, others study abroad in Pierre. Would you rather be a Pierre in Paris or a Paris in Pierre? There's no right answer. I actually have a Piedotierre in Pierre. How much would it be? Could we, maybe now is the time to move to Pierre.

Right. So you're thinking about how location doesn't matter as much when you're locked in at home. You get a house in a great neighborhood, but it's not that cool of a house. Or you can take that price into a non-ideal neighborhood, but have an amazing house. If you're stuck indoors, you might as well have an amazing house. This really like puts a, it's going to take the wind out of the sails for the real estate agent that says location, location, location, you know? That's right.

I guess unless the location is like on the beach or in the woods, which is kind of peaceful. But like being close to my favorite bars and restaurants right now is not helpful. I think they should downgrade it to two locations then. So it's like, you know what they say? Location, location. It used to be three before. The disease. Location, location and vocation.

That's if you can do it from home. This sounds like a goat show episode. That's right. What's the third one? Vacation. Vacation. And location. We're ranking every state based on if you can live there, if you can work there and if

you can travel. Now that's kind of interesting. Let's play this game. Okay. What do you think is the goat state based on those criteria? I always default to California because there's so much diversity. It's like 10 states. So you can like live in Yosemite and vacation in San Diego or vice versa or work.

It's really got it all. Yeah. Because it's so big. I have a cousin that lives in Hawaii and I've been kind of following like her quarantine like on her Instagram stories and that looks pretty solid. That like, you know, I guess being anywhere where you can like kind of reliably go outside and sit by a pool feels like it'd be pretty fun. Yeah.

The pool pictures are a little envy inducing because it's like, oh, you're just chilling out by a pool and then occasionally you'll go inside. It feels like you're in Palm Springs for the weekend. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be kind of cool. I think the other goat state could be Washington. Oh, because it's, you got the big city like Seattle, but then you can also go a little

further inland. It's got lush greenery. There's like some natural beauty. It's not necessarily as like, I guess it's a risk for earthquakes and stuff, but it's not quite as perilous as like California with like the wildfires, the increasing temperatures, that type of thing. Yeah. I mean, you don't like change where you live based on like what the next 50 years will

look like. Like we'll emerge from this like in a few decades and then you're going to feel silly. You're like, now I live in fucking Tacoma and it was good for like 35 years, but now like it's time to retire. You're 70 and you're like, why did I just do that? I could have just stayed. Just try to be careful because you're going to depress me by accident. So what's that?

I'd hate for you to make me sad, man. So let's not talk about how long the disease is going to be around. Oh, no, it's just pontificating. Like, yeah, it's going to affect us for the next two or three years. And then like the economic implications will last for a few decades. And then we'll finally emerge from the shadows. Indeed, this conversation, you're at risk of making me despondent. And I don't think I'll be very entertaining to you if I'm feeling melancholy.

So let's not talk about the length of time the virus will be among us and affecting us. That's cool. Do you want me to sink into despair? I don't think you do. You're threatening me with your sadness. As if everyone else is an also sad. If you keep talking, I'll cry. How'd you like that on your conscience?

Mary a dry eye. All right, this is actually an advice podcast. If you can believe it, it's actually the only advice podcast hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jacob. We're in our homes answering questions. People still writing us emails. Just because you're stuck at home doesn't mean you don't have problems, dilemmas,

sticky situations that you need help to get out of. They still abound. They do. So we have one about sliding into an ex-girlfriend's DMs during this COVID madness. Okay. Okay. Do you have a guy's name? Sure.

I'm going to try to think of, you know, I don't even, oh, let's call them Marty because that's one of our only single friends that we have. Marty writes, with all the COVID madness going on right now, I've decided social rules no longer exist, with the exception of the public health ones, of course. Anyway, I dated this girl when I was in high school. She was my first love, and even though I'm 22 now and out of college, she remains the only girl I've ever truly loved. I am a hollow boy.

We met at a strange time in our lives. And because of that, I feel like if I contacted her, it might not go too poorly because we were deeply connected beyond the normal first love shit. The problem is she's only gotten hotter. She was always hot, and I was always not. But looking at her Instagram now, yes, I've gandered upon the old gram from here and there. She's an absolute smoke, like literally a complete dime piece hottie. Most nights, when I get wine drunk and listen to sad music, which is every night, I consider

hitting her up. And I know this is a horrible idea, but again, there are no rules anymore. Or are there? Let me know what I should do. Please help my sad punk ass. Love, Marty. Okay. Okay.

I went through a little bit of a roller coaster on this, to be honest. Like... How did it start? I think that contacting your exes seems fine. It seems kind of fun to do, to check in with people, to look up on old flames, see if there's anything there. I like that. I like that energy.

It's got a little bit of chaos, but a little bit of heart to it, you know? But then he said the thing about how he never got over her. And I feel like it's a bad time to check in with someone that you are still in love with. Because that could go bad. Okay. Did the roller coaster then make a third destination? I guess it was sort of a drop. Oh, well, then I just...

Then it meandered a little bit. And I was like, if you're going to do it, don't do it when you're wine drunk and listening to sad music. Oh, interesting. Like, if you're going to do it during the day or do it during the evening when you are not drunk and listening to music, like take one evening off and be like, if I don't get drunk tonight, that's when I'll text my ex, because then maybe she'll be drinking. But I don't think that you want to be tipsy confessing your love to someone just on the

off chance that they are sober and not going to be into it. Yeah. It's hard because you have the liquid courage for only so long before it dries up and then you resume your normal life. So you want to bottle the liquid courage and then use it later. The issue with the liquid courage is that in the morning it turns into a dry shame. A desert of regret. I don't think I've ever done a thirsty thing while I was drunk on my phone and then woken

up and been like, oh, awesome that I sent that message solid that I liked that photo that I requested to follow this thirst trap. It's always bad. So like, if you want to do that, just like make a little mental note and actually here's a fun little test. So next time you want to you're wine drunk and you want to write to your ex or this is for anybody. Write anything, any kind of weird thirsty thing when you're drunk instead is the masturbate

idea. No, no, this instead just write a note on your phone and and write like Jake commented on so and so's Instagram photo and then like write what you wanted to say or like write the DM that you wanted to send or write the just write down the thing that you wanted to do when you were drunk and wake up the next day and look at it and be like, if I had done that because we've both been in relationships for a while, but you must remember that feeling of like waking up hungover and like looking at a text that you sent at 3am and just being like, yeah, I wish I didn't send this right.

Or if I did, I wish I sent it at like 8pm. So what if you could wake up hungover and not look at the text you sent, but instead just look at a notes app that is just a list of the things that you avoided doing. You're selling me an idea on to innovation for like a dummy phone that you use when you're drunk. So instead of a real phone, it's a dummy phone and it shows a record of everything you wanted to do. That's a really good idea.

I think. Yeah. A dummy drunk phone that like lets you play all the games that you want to, but like without any of the consequences and then in the morning you can like watch a video of all the things that you did. And if any of them are like, no, I think I would do that even sober. Then you can, then you get to do it that night. Yeah.

The next. I think that's what animal crossing is. Like it lets you do all this stuff without actually doing it. So it's like, I want to farm for turnips, but like I don't actually want to do it. So it lets you do it within this fake game. Interesting. Yeah. I was, I've been, I've been intrigued by animal crossing.

I wanted to buy a switch, but now they're like $500 on Amazon. Yeah. You got to pull the trigger before it's too late and soon that'll be $600, $700. Yeah. I was in a Walmart the other day and I tried to buy one, but they were out. So it's weird because like $300 is also a lot of money for a game that I don't know if like, I just don't know if I would play it. That's really the, the bigger barrier.

Yeah. I don't want to, I don't want to spend $300 to $500 and then be like, and I don't like this. The risk, it might be worth the reward because you're also not spending any money on anything else that makes you happy. Um, I guess that's true. Like there are no more $300 purchases. There's just food.

I guess I'm not like going to, yeah, I'm not going to bars and restaurants. I'm definitely spending a lot less money. Oh, and flying. I don't fly anymore. That, that's crazy. This is the longest I've gone. You're done with that. The longest I've gone without being on a plane and I have no idea.

Um, getting back to the dummy phone idea, I think another hurdle is that, uh, you have to be so drunk that you think it's working, but not drunk enough that you use your real phone. So like somebody has to give you the dummy phone when you're just completely fucked up. Ideally it would be a phone that was like connected to your blood alcohol level. So your phone could shift over to the dummy phone without actually having to like change hands. Oh, that's cool.

It's more of a software thing. Yeah. So it's like a breathalyzer slash iPhone that changes forms when you blow a blood alcohol content of more than like 0.07 or whatever the legal drinking driving limit is. I feel like there have been apps or something like when, for when you're drunk, like you have to like solve a puzzle to open your phone or to like open a certain app or something like that. Yeah.

It's interesting. I think I, I guess I come down on this guy for, uh, as just don't, don't message your ex with the, with like a, I still love you thing. You can message them just to say, Hey, and see where it goes. But yeah, pure heart rule, no expectations and do it when you're not as inebriated. When you're relatively sober and check in just to check in and to genuinely see how they are not to get back together. All right.

That's good advice. Take a break. Thanks. Some sponsors and we'll be right back with more questions after this break. Thank you to Aura frames for sponsoring this head gum podcast. You know, Aura frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire head gum network. Jake. Wow.

That's correct. I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just father's day, but if for any, uh, not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah.

For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting. Yeah. Uh, my first child. Uh huh. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys, uh, in our family right now, but they're, they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we, how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole.

This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. Oh, I was just being goofy a little bit like, uh, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like a, she misheard it or something like that. Right.

Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame.

Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEDGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is.

Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay.

Go get your parents something. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEDGUM podcast you were listening to.

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Check them out. BetterHelp. And we are back. Jake. Do you have any? Oh, it's a letter. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what I do? Just a quick hit. But I've been following this Instagram that brings me a lot of joy. Oh, maybe me especially because it applies so directly to us. But it is called Hardly Working Out of Context. Oh, and actually Sarah Schneider sent it to me. And it's great. It's just like very short clips from old Hardly Workings.

The username is Hardly Working and it looks like underscore underscore maybe. I'm sure you can find it. Yeah. But it is just like quick seven to 10 second clips of like all these random Hardly Working. Do you remember any of them when you see them? There's a couple of them where I'll watch them like, huh, I don't remember this one. And then I like walk into frame. I'm like, oh, wow, I was there.

And I was hot. I was definitely not hot. Come on, man. Don't talk like that. Well, actually, one of these I like pretty sexy in. What's an example of one you saw recently? This one just came up today. Here I'll play it.

Everybody's playing flip glass. Let's take a look. Everybody's playing what? Flip glass. Let's take a look. Oh, that was one of the first ones. Yeah. It's just like a 10 second video.

Sam and Dan, I think are chugging water from glasses. They flip it and the glass shatters on the floor. And that's it. I think in the actual video, then somebody else says, let's play Faberge egg pong. Still got it. And they're like old, old, hardly workings on there as well as new ones, but there's like stuff from the all nighter. Then there's also some of the stuff that was just like me, you, Sarah Streeter, Pat,

Jeff, Dan, like fucking around on our like cannon power shots, like the very first summer of hardly workings. That's nice. Any branded content on there? Let me see. I think there was actually a branded thing on here. Oh, no, not a branded thing, but there's a live show. Here's another good one.

Oh, it doesn't really matter to me. I mean, as long as we're best friends and we get along, that's all that matters. As long as you got that flat ass head. I remember that one. Hardly working perfect woman. Yeah. Where my character is talking about how the perfect lady is short. She has huge tits and she's like three feet tall with a flat head so you can rest a beer

on it. Yeah. I wonder if that one aged well. It definitely didn't, but I think at the end, I have a picture with, I guess this doesn't make it better. At the end, I like have a picture with my girlfriend and she's like three feet tall with the flat head. Yeah.

I can't tell if that makes it better or worse. Yeah. I think worse now that I'm thinking about it, but look, these were different times. Yeah. This was 2019. You can't judge me. Yeah. This is post-Trump, but pre-Biden.

Pre-Corona. Different world. Yeah. So that's my advice. Throw that guy a follow. I think he only has 200 followers. I want to see him encouraged because the videos are bringing me a lot of joy. All right.

Perfect. All right. We got a new question about a baby name. Oh, I love baby names. This is a 25-year-old guy from Australia. Let's call him Baz. Okay. Baz.

Shout out to Baz. We have a friend in Australia. Bazel. So one of my best friends and her husband just had a baby girl that is equal parts adorable and beautiful. He could not be more happy for them, and they've even said that they want me to be the godfather. I will be joining the likes of Marlon Brando and Jake Hurwitz, so it's fair to say I'm over the moon.

Mm-hmm. Here's the problem. I think I might have children as my own children, love each and every one of them. All right. Go ahead. The problem. Yeah. Here's the problem, he writes.

The baby was born yesterday, and I knew the baby's first and last names, but what I didn't know is that the baby's middle name and upon hearing the full name made the awkward discovery that the baby's first and second name is the exact name of a very famous porn star. Mm-hmm. I'm talking top 20 on Pornhub Famous. Okay. Now, I'm in a weird dilemma.

Do I mention that to the parents? Do I not? Well, they think I'm a sicko for even putting the connection together. I guess it's her first and middle name, so it may not be an issue, but I'm just worried for the future when this innocent child Googles her name, and as many children do, and realize that there is a MILF by the very same name taking monster schlong on the reg, I have nothing against porn stars, and I think it's a perfectly fine profession. I'm just thinking about kids making fun of her later in life, and I want her to avoid

a potentially awkward encounter. Thanks. Love, a day one on the Patreon. Thank you, Baz. Okay. Yeah, you know, I mean, as a fellow godfather, I know how it feels. You want to protect your little ones from a life of ridicule. I know I'd die for any of my godchildren, so I feel where this guy's coming from.

Can you name any of your godchildren? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I can. I can name them all. All right. There's Jenna Jamison Jones, the little sweet one who's one and a half now. This is all right.

So first of all, do you think there's any world where this kid's name is not Lisa Ann? I don't know enough about porn star names. Do you think it's, is Lisa Ann a famous MILF on porn hub? Jesus Christ, man. She's like one of the most famous MILFs, like. And you're saying that could be like a classic mistake. How do you not know Lisa Ann? You do really only know Jenna Jamison.

You're an uncultured swine. You're drinking brandy. Can you name another porn star? I'm sure. Let me. No, I want to hear you name a current porn star. Not like one that retired from when we were jerking off when we were like 15. The one that we shot with.

Do you know her name? Yeah. You do? Of course. You don't know her name. Yes, I do. We met her. We had a full conversation with her.

I shot a comedy sketch with her basically. That's right. You rub the lotion on her back. You should remember her name. Exactly. And what is it? Veronica Vaughn. It's Mia Malkova.

Mia Malkova. I knew it was a fucking alliteration. Do you really not know a porn star? Are you just afraid to say it on the podcast? I don't. I really don't know porn star names. That's crazy. I'm sorry.

Okay. Some of the most famous milfs are Lisa Ann, Brandy Love, Nicole Aniston. I really doubt that it's Nicole Aniston. Here's one thought. And actually, this is going to be my advice as well. Okay? Oh, okay. I would don't bring it to the parents, obviously, but you just bring it to your, to your bro.

You say, like, because I think that the dad, this guy, and you sort of fucked my theory a little bit, but I think he probably knows. I think that like a lot of guys know the most famous porn star names. So I think maybe he knows and he's okay with it. Or maybe you can tell him and it'll be like, oh, damn, we should change the, we should change the middle name. How hard could that be? Yeah.

Change the middle name. Yeah. Nobody even knows the middle name. It's only a day. Yeah. There's still time. And also you don't have to say, oh, I thought of it because I knew of a porn star name. You can be like, I Googled her name to fucking reserve a URL or something and all these other

videos came up. Oh, yeah. Or like I Googled her name to try to see the birth announcement. I wanted to print it out for my records in case I ever need to take ownership of the child, whatever. Yeah. And then he's actually more offended that you tried to look up the name for a birth announcement print out than he ever was about the porn star thing.

Don't fucking Google my kid. Okay. You don't Google my daughter's name. That's my child. At most you can bing it later. But don't Google it before the birth announcement. It is funny. I know two people that I grew up with that have the same name first and last as porn

stars. Really? First and last. First and last. As they're the porn star's real name or their porn name? As their porn name. As like a famous, a famous porn name. Like the equivalent of me knowing somebody named Riley Reed.

Do you know who Riley Reed is? I know the name. Not that you say it. Okay. She's a famous one. She's a famous porn star. But I want to know more about like porn star names. Like do you choose it to somebody give it to you?

Is it like a porn star naming? You have to do like 10 porn's and then they give it to you. Is it like a internet database where you just sort of pick two words out of a hat and they have to both start with the same letter? I do believe you pick your own name or maybe if you sign like with one of the agencies they help you come up with it or give one to you. And then it's like a pen name, I imagine. You start going by that.

That's where your credits get listed. Yeah. But maybe there's like somebody out there like maybe that's a job I can have in New World where I'm coming up with names because I know a lot of like cool sounding things like just looking outside like Tree Chamberlain would be a nice name for a porn star to have. That's true. I heard the boss's name, Alan Avery. Yeah.

That'd be a cool male porn star. Yeah. So we're really good at thinking of male porn star names. Oh, Chris Christie. That would be a good one. Who? Chris Christie. That's good.

Yeah. Yeah. Like he's a governor but that's fine. For a guy or for a girl, you think? Either one. Oh, Christy Chris would be cool. Does any porn star use their actual name because it like sounds just as good? Oh, I don't think so because I feel like they're probably afraid of like creepy fans.

Finding out where they live somehow. Yeah. But it does seem also like that we're in the age where like some of that information is probably findable. What about Amir Shmuel? Like if I wanted to like become a little cam boy, but I want to remain a little bit anonymous. I think, well, it's not great just because the name, the name is ugly. But how does that work though?

If I wanted to like jack it on a cam for a man, like can I get cash for that? I don't think, well, I don't think you could because I don't think you could remain anonymous. I just want to like sort of get on chat roulette and spank my little micro bean basically. And then if people want to Venmo me. So you have a, do you have a micro penis? Oh, I'm saying. You described it as the size of a bean. You said you wanted to spank your bean on cam.

Yeah. I'm just thinking about what my name would be. You said like chat roulette. Like that's not even a way to monetize it. That's just sort of like. Connor? Yeah. That could be like Connor O'Connor or something.

How big is your dick? Yeah. It's like a stamp. It's like a little postage stamp. So it's thin. That's really thin. That's like fucking two dimensional. I got that forever dick.

You know what I mean? That like 38 cent cock. You know what I mean? Because it's the size of a stamp. Yes. It's the size and it's the stickiness of a stamp. So I think you actually could make a lot of money because it sounds like you have a unique deformity.

Yeah. I have a little. I have a little flag down there. I could see people paying for that. Yeah. To see it. It's like a freak show. Yeah.

Admit one. Yeah. Kind of like a freak situation. Like why does he have a little thin like a little American flag? Admit one. Like your dick probably excuse me for saying so, but it probably looks like a ticket. Right. Does it look like a tiny little ticket?

Yeah. It looks like. Oh, it's a stub. A stub hub. It's a ticket stub. Yeah. So instead of porn hub, you go to stub hub. Yeah.

Actually my stub nub wouldn't be that bad. Like. Stub nub. Yeah. That's cool. So that way you like, you pay $5 for a ticket to see my little stubbed nub. Yeah. And then when people see it and instead of saying hubba hubba, they say stubba stubba.

That's good. And then my fucking porn name is Scott Silver. Scott Chimuel is pretty cool. Really? Yeah. Because Scott's a cool name. Yeah. And Shwell's kind of fun too.

Not really. But yeah. Cool. Scott. Do you know any Scots? I don't even know a Scott in real life. My cousin's name is Scott. That's cool.

The one that married me and Jill. I forgot you got married to your cousin. Cool it fucking stamp dick. Why'd you call me that? You described your dick as a stamp. Did I? You called it a little bean. Sorry, I browned out.

You said you wanted to stake it on a campsite. All right. One last question. Sure. 21-year-old dude from Canada. Okay. I'll call him Shay Gilgis Alexander, a Canadian basketball player who I think is 21, writes. Nice.

My girlfriend and I broke up in January. It was amicable and we still talk about it once in a while. But my problem comes from a time when we were dating when we painted portraits of each other. Neither of us are artists, but it was just a fun date. I sort of nailed it honestly and was surprised that my painting even resembled a person let alone her face. Hers was good too. We put them up in my bedroom and I've had them in my closet since the breakup.

So my question is, do I keep them? Do I offer her one or both? Do I throw them out? The issue is I really like both paintings, but one is of my ex and the other one is drawn by her. I'm kind of proud of what I made, so I don't want to just toss it away and I like having a cool painting of myself, but when people ask me about them, I have to explain from my past relationship.

So what would you do? Thanks boys. That's a tough, that's quandary because art should bring you joy and it sounds like it's still making him happy to see it. I think what I would do is not ask the ex if she wants any because wait, did he say they still have feelings for each other? I don't think so. I think that it's still weird.

I don't think that it's, oh with amical breakup, that's what he said. I don't think that she needs, you guys don't need to hang on to these things. She definitely doesn't need one. This is your problem and yours alone. They're hanging up in your house. And if you like the one that you did, you can hang on to it and just say that it's your friend if anyone asks. If it was an amical breakup, she is your friend.

Unless you're lying to us, are you lying to us or are you lying to yourself Shay? Do you just like the paintings because you miss her? Is that possible? Did you see the paintings? I forwarded you the email and they have, his paintings like just fine. Hey, don't fuck with it. That's rude man. That's just fucking rude.

What? I mean he says that he's not that big of an artist so like yeah, I mean it's a fine painting. But he says that he's proud. Toss the picture. Okay, let me look at the, yeah, no, that's, yeah. It's cute. I think the one that she did of him is definitely a little more like esoteric. It's not like-

There's no face. I feel like you could hang on to that one. The one, can you imagine like breaking up with your ex and then he mails you a portrait that he drew of you. It doesn't even matter if it happened well. You guys were going out. It's just weird. Yeah.

I think, I guess, I think you can keep them up if they're making you happy and you can just lie. If the hard part is explaining to people when they ask, then just lie because it's not that big of a deal. But if it makes you feel weird to see them, then I feel like you should explore your new found passion for art. It's cool that you're proud of yourself for what you painted so you should just paint more photos or more pictures and see if you like those as much and you could replace them.

Yeah. I say you draw something else. So like you treat this as a rough draft, draw something else, then eventually toss it. You don't need to keep old artifacts from an old relationship. And if you want to draw something that's still life, why don't I get on a zoom cam and whip this out? You see this? Whoa.

This is my fucking dick right here. Paint this. I can't see it. You can't see it? Yeah. Yeah. You just have to turn it to the side. That's the problem.

All right. Because it's very thin. Yeah. Hold on. But it's flat in the front. Oh my God. It says US flag United States Postal Service. That is insane.

That's right. First class. Because I'm a first class citizen with a second class. This is first class? Yeah. Last ass. First to flag, last to ag. Why don't you suck my stamp?

This podcast title. I'm serious. I really think this guy should toss the art and suck my stamp. All right. Let's title this episode suck my stamp. What's the word for stamp collecting? That's like a very obscure, long esoteric word. Do you remember what it is?

No, I do not. I don't even think I'll recognize it when you do tell it to me. Let's see. Stamp collecting word. It's like, oh yeah, I am a... What's the term for it? Hobby name. Stamp collecting hobby name.

I'm giving you your Google terms. Stamp collecting hobby name. Freaking how? Oh, a philatelist. Oh wow. I can't fucking wait to become a philatelist. A philatelist. And you could suck my philatelist.

Nice. Nice. My phallus philatelist. My flat phallus. Makes me a philatelist. Alice. Why don't you philate me, Alice? It's good.

All right, thanks. All right, that's our time. Thanks for writing. Thanks for emailing us. Both the theme songs and the questions can all come down to, if I were you, show at gmail.com. The opening theme song, as I'm sure you remember, was the Let's Do Corn Chomps song. This closing one is a Bob Dylan cover. My flaccid phallus.

Makes me a philatelist. Atlas. What do you think? It's not your best work, but these are trying times. Flaccid phallus? Philatelist? Okay. Fine.

Whatever. I don't care. Yeah, this Bob Dylan cover is from Deegan Steel in Ottawa. That's a good porn name too. Deegan Steel. Yeah. He wants us to give a shout out to his girls Kyle and Kenton all the way from North Bay. So thanks Kay and Kay and Deegan and you guys for listening.

More videos of us. Jake and Amir watches, if I were yous. Lonely and horny. All that stuff at our Patreon. Patreon.com. That's right. A lot of stuff there. Damn.

So enjoy. Stay home. Stay safe. And we will talk to you guys soon. Indeed. Peace. If I were you. I feel just as lost and screwed.

Corona's got us sad and blue. Let's catch up with these fools. And listen too. If I were you. Instant win. That's a pretty chill card.