If I Were You - 435: The Mailman

Episode Date: May 18, 2020

In this episode we discuss Tinder detectives, Zoom backgrounds, and Amir's slow WiFi.For more podcast action, check out "THE HEADGUM PODCAST" wherever you're listening to this one.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. You go and see as no friends because of your own style. Epic. Wow. Rock and roll. That felt like both. Yeah, it was like a cool Japanese cartoon theme song or something. Oh yeah, like we're heroes.

Yeah. That was like an anime hero thing. Yeah. Like a ballad. The background is just like streaks of color and I'm about to do something insane. Yeah, seizure inducing and we have like a really powerful sword. Yeah. That guy was Rick Tracy and he said, for my boys, Jake Her Crit and Amir Hugo style bloom.

That's and there was a we are reference, which is a NAD pod thing. So I think it sounds like there's a lot of NAD pod crossover here. Yeah. Are you comfortable with that? Quite. You'd like to converge the universes. Blur the lines, baby. It's all gray.

That's the world I want to live in. Make America gray. Again. Nothing to plug, writes Rick, except for my band's Insta, which is we are Vasco. Nothing to plug except for the thing that we always plug when people send in theme songs. I like Vasco. I'm a Vasco guy. Tabasco and a little bit of Vasco and that's a very good Sunday afternoon.

That's a good Sunday Afo. We come today recording on Sunday afternoon, actually. That's right. This is like the new time. Yeah, the May 17th. It's sort of like live to tape where we're getting up-to-date catch-ins with each other and then we can record it and let the fans hear what we're up to as well. Yeah, it is nice.

There was a time when we would like batch record these, right? Where we would just like have a bunch in the can. That would be smarter and better for our schedules. There's no reason for me to rush to edit this on a Sunday at 5.12 p.m. I guess maybe the unsolicited advice that we should give ourselves is like, just get a head start, get ahead on this. What if we just had a month's worth of podcasts in the tank? Yeah, that would take us just two hour sessions really easy to do that.

Yeah, it's not that hard. I mean, I hesitate to say we wouldn't have anything else to do. But come on. I mean, we can go on vacation, man. The problem is the world is changing so quickly that the idea of recording something in May and releasing it in June, who knows what will happen by then. That's true. It does seem insane.

Or is it the exact opposite? Nothing's going to change. Because it's been done in April. Yeah, everything's... Yeah, I mean, this is just... We're living in the normal world now. This is it. This is the normal world.

Have I updated you? I think I did a little bit on Slack about my internet dilemma. I don't know if I've talked about it on the podcast. Yeah, I feel like I see it everywhere, like on Twitter and Slack. And I know it consumes you, but I don't know if you've had a public conversation, aside from, you know, you tweeting it. So shut up for a second. Here's...

Actually, unplug your microphone. I have some little wax about it. Wax idiotic. Wax apologetic, as in I demand an apology. So the bigger issue is my internet is slow, which is, I guess, kind of a universal problem right now. Everybody's at home and sucking from the same teat, and it slows everything down.

And that's one of the reasons why we have to record our podcast on Sundays. That's right. If you have nice fiber internet like Jake and our friend Marty and a bunch of my other friends, you guys are getting a direct connection to the grid. Your download speed. You're saying it with such venom. I hate that.

You hate us. These are my foes. We're having fast internet. That's right. My enemies. You're getting hundreds of megabytes per second download, hundreds upload, more than enough, right? Yeah.

Yeah. I've got speed to spare. That's right. About a month ago, I noticed my Zoom calls are going slowly. Everything is lagging. I'm like, why is it going so slow? I think I'm paying for like 200 megabits download and 20 megabits upload. And so I look and I'm actually getting like 200 down,

but like a meg or two uploaded. And which, you know, slows down the video and the audio that I sent to you. There's a lag. I respond. It takes two seconds for you to hear it. Yeah. But you are getting good download. So you can like, you can stream stuff at least.

That's right. That's why I didn't really notice it until we started doing a bunch of these Zoom calls. Right. That makes sense. So I'm like, you know what? I can splurge. I'm at home working from home. I'll upgrade my shit to 400 megabytes download 40 megabytes up.

It's called the Spectrum Ultra 400 plan. Fuck it. It's over $100 a month, but I don't, I don't have an office anymore. So I have to just splurge and go for it. I pay for that. They send me a router. They give me a modem and I install it and I plug it in. And after all my hard work, I finally like move shit and figure it all out.

There's dust everywhere. I like had to take the TV off the mounted wall. I put it back in and I direct connectly from the fucking modem into my computer for the fastest speed possible, 400 download and two megabytes up. God, what a gut punch. So much work for such little output. Zoom calls still lagging. When you, when you saw that, you're like, this can't be right.

Were you? Yeah. This sucks. Maybe it's just a permanent or a temporary thing. And during the daytime, it'll get better. Oh, contrary. During the daytime, it actually gets worse during Monday through Friday, nine to five. Everybody's at home.

Everybody's doing their little thing. Zooming, FaceTiming, what have you, turning their house into an office. So I can hardly use the internet during the day. So I said, you know what? Fuck it. I'm done with Spectrum. I've given them my last dollar. This is ridiculous.

They're giving out internet to everybody. Let me just find an alternative. So I go online and I search what else is available in my area. AT&T Fiber. Marty has that. He lives a couple miles away. Shouldn't be a big deal. No, not available.

Okay, that's fine. What does my friend Bobby in Santa Monica use? His internet is speeding, blazing fast. Frontier. Great. Do you guys have fiber in the east side? No, we don't have it either. All right.

What else is there? Maybe there's like a satellite option I didn't think about because I don't really think about internet speed. Real fibers. Is that a thing? Earthlink. I'm calling, checking everywhere. Spectrum doesn't allow any other internet service provider in my neighborhood.

Is that allowed? That's allowed? No. I thought it's not. I didn't think it was allowed. It's a monopoly situation. We're forced. Everybody in my neighborhood, my specific pocket of Silver Lake Los Feliz Echo Park, has to

use spectrum unless AT&T fiber is there, which it's not here yet. So I reluctantly call a technician to my house and I tell him I can't have him inside my house, but he can take a look at the outside connection to see if everything is like fine over there and maybe a squirrel like chewed through a wire one day and that's why I'm going so slow. The technician arrives, he basically has like a prepared speech that he's been given to everybody because his job is to go from door to door people that have gotten pissed at spectrum and that say, you know, enough to sort of explain.

So he explains. Explain yourself. Yeah. So he basically comes out. He's like, don't shoot the messenger, but here's the issue before I even look at anything just so you know, everyone's going slow because no one else can. Is everybody's using it at the same time and there's every neighborhood as a node and if your node is at 80% capacity, everything slows down and if it gets to 100% capacity,

we shut it down and everything goes slows down to a crawl. Your node is at 80%. So we'll get to you, get to it eventually, but not quite yet. We just have to decongest it, which will take weeks slash months. I don't have a timeline. All right. Great. So I guess I'm stuck here using the internet if I can and if not, then I'll use it as much

as possible over the weekend. Then yesterday I'm like, ooh, I see an AT&T van in my neighborhood. Maybe fiber has arrived. Is today finally the day? So I hop online and I check the availability for AT&T fiber. Again, for AT&T fiber, then you got a direct connection with fiber cables. This is also the find no idea about three months ago. You got a direct connection to your house.

You can get up to 1,000 megabytes upload, up to 1,000 megabytes download. Marty has it. He's like sending me stats about his internet speed test. He's like in the 600 for both, more than enough. Can stream, can game, can do it all, zero lag, zero latency. I search for if I'm available to have fiber. It goes, no, you can't. There's no fiber available at your house.

However, we can give you regular AT&T internet, which is 18 megabytes down and 1 megabyte upload. No, that's spectrum on its worst day. I don't want to pay for that. Then I search. I'm like, I wonder how close fiber is to here. So I start going door to door to my neighbor's addresses and I start with one like a half a mile away and it's like, great news, fiber is available in your area.

It's like, what the hell? This guy lives like half a mile away. Let me get closer and closer and closer. I get to a house that I can see from my house. It's a pink house across the street. He's five doors down from me and it's like, good news, fiber is available in your house. So let me get this straight. That guy who I can see right now can get AT&T fiber, but the one house over can't get it.

But then I look at the address across the street from me and it's like, sorry, fiber is not available, but we can give you 100 megabytes download. I'm like, why am I getting specifically my address getting priced out of not only available to get fiber, but like this secondary option. For me, I'm only allowed to get quote, Internet 18. Do you know why that is? I called them and I asked them, why, why can my neighbor get faster internet than me? Now I'm curious because like I can, I walk by the house and I'm like, that's the box.

It says AT&T on it. Like I can literally run a cable over. Can I just siphon internet? Can I ask them for his password and put like a Wi-Fi router extender halfway through our houses? And the lady on the phone told me she doesn't know, but she can get a support ticket put in there so that a technician can call me and explain to me why fiber is available across the street from me, but not at my house specifically.

I still haven't heard from AT&T. That's the cliffhanger. That's where I am in the story. God damn it. Now I actually want to know. But I thought it was like once it's in your neighborhood, it's like, all right, let's fucking siphon it out to everybody available. I'm curious.

So I've got two, two ideas. Okay. Numero uno, just pay for the shitty one. Just like get it. Cause like then, then you're in the family. You can, then you can start calling and be like, Hey, I have your slow service. I, I love you guys, but I just need it to be a little faster. You know, it feels like they'd be willing to work with you a little bit.

Again, my neighbor next door has internet 100, which allows for 100 download. One megabyte up. I get internet 18. It's got to be just a glitch in the system where they think you can't get it. But once you have, like once you're in the door, you should be able to upgrade. The other idea that I have, depending on what you learn, just sign up for it and give the wrong address. And then when the guy comes, you just call and be like, Oh, I'm sorry, I must have said

my address wrong. Here I am. I'm down the street. I'm waving at you. Just pull up. And like. So I say I want fiber. Is it straight up?

My address. That's not mine. Yeah. And because like it's not like that there is there literally a cable under some of these people's houses? It doesn't seem like that. It seems like. I think that's what it is.

I think it's a box attached to their house that feeds in from like a city grid or something. And some people's house just came with the box. They must have the boxes. I don't know. I don't know why he has the box. It's not like these houses are built in like this. Your house was like not built recently. It's not.

I mean, none of these houses were built recently. It's not like your neighbor has like a brand new house that was built with a box. No, it was not. These are all added on. Yeah. All added on. So it's not like your house is incompatible with the technology that they need to install in your house to give you the fast internet.

That's right. My house has the electricity to allow for the box if the box were here. Right. So this is why you just lie about your address. You just like, dude, you could just lie about your address and change the numbers on your house for the day. The guy will come and he'll install it. So you think it's available, but the internet is saying that it's not available.

And then when he comes, he's like, all right, you can actually get it. I can't imagine that it's not like, what is he going to, if, if the guy shows up with all of the, the box, the system, like everything he needs to install to give, to make the internet fast. And like, what is he going to, he's going to look under your house and be like, Hey, actually, you're supposed to have this, um, you're, you're, you have the wrong port. Yeah. I think he'll be like, there's no, I don't see the, uh, the attachment that you need

to connect to the fiber network or whatever. And then you just be like, weird, do you have an extra one that you can just put in my house? I'm holding a gun. You're not leaving that. Uh, yeah, except I have to put it like my full information, including my address when I sign up for this. So I think if I put the fake, the house that already has fiber, they'll be like, you already have fiber.

We're not sending anyone out. Yeah. And if I put the address of a house that doesn't have fiber, they'll be like, we can't even send anyone because it's not available in your neighborhood. Right. If you could just, I mean, you could probably just, I guess get the slow one and then when they get there, just beg them, tell the guy you'll blow them, they'll install the fast internet.

I can't imagine he would refuse that, right? Cause then he gets head and then he also gets to give me the fast internet. I'll give you dome if you upgrade my home. The weirdest, the weirdest is that like the house next door to me is like, sorry, you don't get fiber, but we'll give you a hundred megabytes down. And for me, it's like, sorry, you don't get fiber, but we'll give you 18. What is the difference between the backup option, the why does he get a hundred? I get 18.

That's another reason. We should really have an episode of our podcast where we interview like a spectrum, an ex-spectrum worker or a, or some like something like that, you know, somebody who's out of the system. Maybe we have a listener that used to be a technician or is a technician that can help you out. Actually, you know what? I've been, since I've been tweeting so incessantly about it, somebody who does work for AT&T fiber DM to me about all this stuff.

Wait, just now? No. No. Just now. Yeah. I'm here. I work for AT&T and I've been looking at some outside of the box options for you. Wait, this is great.

He said, if you put in a business name, they would lay fiber for you specifically. It would really help your case if there was a U-verse hub, at least sort of in your area, but technically it should be possible regardless. Whoa. There you go. So if I say I'm a business. You are a business. We have like three different LLCs.

Yeah. I am a business. And you're a, yes, specifically, you also are recorded. This is a business. What we're doing right now. You think I fucking talk to you for fun? No, actually, I called you the other day and you didn't pick up. Yeah.

You were like, hold on, let's talk on the podcast tomorrow. Because I wasn't going to get paid for it. I only talked to you. I was just curious about catching up with you because you were telling me about all the stuff that was going on. So I was wondering how you were doing and stuff like that and you were like, don't call me on my off day. Yeah.

And I was like, all right. I was just wondering, I'm curious how you and Jill were holding up and you said we were holding up fine. It was an invasive question and I figured it was, it was pernicious and it was malicious. I had to Venmo you $5 to talk to you for five minutes. That's right. I did a cameo for you on part of your only fans, an only friends account. Okay.

So maybe I'll tell them I'm a business. That'll be my neck when they call me and explain to me why fiber is not available in my house. It's, I mean, that's not even a lot. Like we aren't using the office anymore. We are living and working and running your business from home. All right. Sweet. Thank you to Corey at AT&T for helping me out.

Even though he lives in Orlando, hopefully his advice works in Los Angeles. And if your internet also sucks, I mean, I'm reading tweets all the time about various internet's being slow because they can't handle this. They weren't prepared for this amount of bandwidth. Yeah. That would be, I mean, that would definitely be a stressful problem for me to have right now. Yeah.

I mean, what if you're a, what if you're a live streamer? What if, what if I was a Twitch streamer? You kind of are. All right. So I guess I'll keep you guys posted there. I know everybody is just hanging on my every word, really concerned about getting my upload speed up. Yeah.

But meanwhile you have been able to cart and that seems, that seems good for you. And it's good because it prevents me from carting during work hours, which I probably shouldn't be doing anyway. Like I can't start letting it infiltrate my nine to five. Have you been animal crossing still? Yeah. Yeah. I've been, I, I've been animal crossing.

And in the last week as you're quote unquote addiction to it gone up, I don't know if it's gone up. It's kind of stayed the same. I'm like, I, it's the weirdest game because sometimes I have like playing and I can't stop but I'm not having fun. Interesting. I, but I like, I, it really, it feels like work because I don't want to stop because I have goals and I have like things that I want to attain for my island.

So you added things to your to-do list. They just have less consequences. It's not like, it is not a game that I'm like having a ton of fun as I'm playing. It's like, okay, no, I have to like run around and fucking chop trees so I can get wood. I need to like get wood so I can build this fucking dresser so I could sell it to Tom Nook. Like there, it's, it's such a weird game, but I do, but I have liked it a lot and there's still like fun moments like where you buy something stupid.

I just bought a kimono this morning. So your character wears a kimono in the game. Yeah. Well, I'm wearing a kimono right now, but I might change back into my cutoffs and my tie-dye shirt. Yeah. All right. We are actually at the halfway point, if you can believe it.

This is If I Were You, an advice podcast, I guess, where we air our grievances and talk about the clothes that are simulated humans wear in video games. I'll tweet a picture. Let's take a break. We'll come back and we'll answer some more questions. You believe that. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network,

Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not-so-tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me, personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're a great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame.

Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant.

It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family

in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames.

That's A-U-R-A Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait.

Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something, all right? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura.

And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule.

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That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. BetterHelp. And we're back. Let's go straight into the Q's and A's. These people need our advice and maybe you guys can help us out too. This is from a lady in, yeah, who's having some office dramas. We'll call her Pam because that's a character from the office.

Pam writes, guys, I need help. I'm a manager at a tech company and my boss keeps stealing my Zoom backgrounds. We were in a meeting yesterday and I had the conference room from the office as my background. One of the execs on the call commented that he liked my background and then my boss immediately changed his background to the exact same picture within the same meeting. Then I switched my background to Michael Scott's office and two seconds later, my boss had Michael's office as his background too. He's never even watched the show.

I think he just noticed that I got a compliment and stole it from me. How do I stop my bosses from stealing my Zoom backgrounds? Thank you. Love, Pam. That is very intriguing. I think, okay. What are your thoughts on silly Zoom backgrounds in general? I don't really know how to do them.

I don't know how to, how do you change your background? You can create, you see at the bottom left, it says there's a stop video and then there's an arrow. If you click on that and go to video settings and then in virtual background on the left, you can choose different backgrounds. Nice. Am I at the Golden Gate Bridge now? Yeah.

You're at the bridge. That's cute. I'm hosting talk soup. That's fun. Yeah. These are fun little Zoom backgrounds that I've done. Can you upload your, and you can upload your own, I guess obviously. Sometimes when my friend goes to the bathroom on a Zoom call, I'll steal his background

and put it up and then when he gets back, it looks like we're in the same room. Or if this was a picture of a buddy of ours and then it's like, oh, me and this guy are hanging out with each other, so that's a good Zoom background bit. Right. There are plenty of bits to be done with Zoom backgrounds. This lady is, oh, there we go, picture of us in your background. I was thinking for a second that as you were talking, I was going to try to search a tub girl or a lemon party or something, and yeah, it just felt like it was going to be a lot.

Oh, that one looks nice, the beach one. This one? Yeah, the beach. Yeah, it's like a video background. Yeah, the beach is cool. Okay, so now I'm super into this. I've never done this before. A friend of ours, I was talking to her yesterday and she told me she's a teacher doing virtual

teaching, and she's teaching 12-year-olds, and she said that something that they've been dealing with is like in their classrooms, like kids will take a photo of themselves and make that their background and then leave. How fucking smart is that? You gotta respect kids for doing that, and now with their video backgrounds, I mean, game over. That's like from speed. They replayed the video on a loop, and then they were slowly taking people off the bus.

Yeah. Dennis Hopper noticed because he saw the cut point in the loop. No! Yeah. That was the original Zoom background photo. Tell that wildcat behind the wheel. So this lady is dealing with her own little Zoom background trauma because her boss keeps stealing.

I don't think it's a problem. I think he's the one who's looking worse than she is. Right. It reflects poorly on him, not you, but I guess if someone didn't notice that she did it first and then sees, like, if you start paying attention and you see both people have it, it's like not very, it's not your joke anymore. It's not fun. Yeah.

So I guess, I mean, this is a pretty good one. Yeah, that's really good. So you're in the beach and I'm, let's see if I can take a picture of this just so we can show it to people. Jake's at the beach and then I'm hosting a 90s talk show called TalkSoup, all right, Zoom background options for you. And then I guess, is there a way to use backgrounds that are less easily accessible so like she changes hers and then the guy doesn't have access to do the same thing?

I think you, I think what you should do is like change your background to something like really bad, like a Nuremberg rally, and then he changes it, right, and he has it, and then he gets in trouble. Oh, I see. So you sort of set him up to fail. Yeah. It's kind of like, all right, copy whatever I do, and then you do something poorly and then you say, oh my God, how could you do that?

That's right. So, and then he gets fired, then you get his job, then you get to do all of the backgrounds that you want, unencumbered. The goat background of all, his pink slip, all right, here's a more salacious question that we got. Finally. Hey guys, long time listener, what's a mailman name? Oh, what's the mailman's name in Cheers?

Mailman? Cliff? Cliff. It's Cliff. It's Cliff. Long time listener writes Cliff first time asker. So my girlfriend and I have been happily dating for a couple years and our sex life is great. I started working as a rural mail carrier about a year ago.

My girlfriend and I keep joking about doing some mailman role play in the bedroom. But the more we joke, the more serious she sounds about it. It sounds funny and actually kind of hot, so I think I could get into it. But here's the problem. Rural carriers in my state don't require a dress code, so I don't have a uniform. My girlfriend says I should go buy one so we can do it. Another thing is, I don't know how to role play this out, but I'm not large by any means below the belt, so I can't do the classic.

I have a large package here for you here, ma'am, as that would be a lie. Should I go buy a mailman uniform for this role play? And also, how can I effectively role play with my little Willy? Todah and Au revoir, Cliff. For starters, I think you can say I have a package here for you. You don't have to say anything about the size. I have a pretty small package here, actually. It fits in a pretty tiny little envelope.

In fact, it's a postcard, so I guess what someone did was just slap a stamp on a driver's license. A forever stamp actually worked on this one. There was no added weight, no extra cost associated with this teensy tiny pack. Didn't I make a joke about my dick being a stamp like two weeks ago? Oh yeah, I think you did. For a circle jerk. So I think you can buy a mailman outfit on Amazon, right?

Yeah, it's interesting that they don't have one. I guess the mailman uniform, yeah, why do they wear a uniform? So you know that the person coming up onto your stairs and reaching into your mail slot is a federal employee and not a burglar? So you're saying if I just get that uniform, I have carte blanche access to people's driving record, mailbox, I can even come in for a sip of milk if the case should be? I mean, I don't think you would be able to go in for a sip of milk. So interesting, so like all I need is like brown shorts, like the kind UPS drivers wear

and then I could wear like even a tank top, I can crash into someone's house if necessary for some milk. I think there's just better ways for you to get milk and you know, that's interesting. I never thought of it that way. You wouldn't pass as a UPS man if you had brown shorts and a tank top, like you're already trying to cut corners. You're already doing this like you're not going full tilt because you're I don't have I don't have like I don't have brown shorts, but I can wear these like khaki cut off things.

But yeah, you're not going to look at all like a male man. And yeah, and then I if I wear a hat, I can sort of jiggle the knobs of various houses in my neighborhood grocery store and buy milk. I can't afford a carton asshole. Quite frankly, I can't afford that carton right now. Hold on. Sure. I'm changing my virtual background.

Of course. Is it going to be to a UPS person or a kitten drinking a bowl of milk that priority male? Very nice. That's a shitty that's a shitty package for you. I have a large package for you. It's actually my severed dick in a fucking rectangular cardboard box. My severed dick in a box. You know that song?

Yeah. So you can say I have a package. You don't have to specify large package. Yeah. You can get the uniform because that's part of the role play. It's hard to be a role played male man wearing just jeans and a T. I feel like you could do entry level role play where you like just say what the role is.

You know? That's cool. So you're just sort of half-assing and dipping your toes in the water to see if you like and then you can commit to the full uniform later. It's been a long day of delivering packages, but I have one more. So it's like I changed out of my uniform, but I was a male man earlier. That's cool. Yeah.

So then do you then ask for milk or is that even like not part of it because what's the point? You're just a male man and not all male men necessarily want that like a glass of 2% in the middle of the work day. I feel like you're confusing male men with like one single aspect of Santa. Why are you making your face that way? I want a cookie and I want to deliver gifts, but instead of gifts, it's mostly junk in a bill.

I have a restoration hardware catalog and I want 1% of my network, no, no, no, 1% fat in a glass, in a hat. My package is slim and I'll have some skim. Yeah. To role play as a male man, all you have to do is say that how much you want milk. So that shouldn't be too hard. You don't even need that before. And then if you're a milk man, the role play is to just merely barge into someone's house

and ask for an envelope or something. Perfect. All right. One more question. Let's do it. Oh, this is a funny one. It's written from a lady who was drunk and kind of high at the time. Perfect.

So we'll call this lady Mary Jane Blige. Mary Jane Blige ain't got nothing on these pipes and speaking of pipes, I'm high. High hard one in the chipmunk. Yes. I'm drunk and kind of high. So obviously this is the best time to ask for a relationship advice. Indeed. I totally want to jump the bones of this absolute dime piece I work with.

He's a real optimist dime, if you will. Nice. Love it. Problem is I'm really bad at reading signs. Guys don't tend to hit on me or I'm just blind so that I never even noticed like ever at all. I invited him over for a small game night. Yeah, during COVID, but it was all people I work with and we kept it under 10 people

so whatever fuckers don't judge me. She is drunk. Hey hoody and the blowfish, at one point we were all drunk enough that we got on Tinder and traded phones. I got his at one point and he got mine and I purposefully swiped right on girls with my body type and got no matches, but then I also threw in a few duck faced skanks to see if that's what he was into and got no matches either. He got three matches on mine, all guys more muscular and macho than him.

For the record, I never been attracted to muscular dudes, just skinny dudes which happened to be his particular body type. She's also very high. Was this test for me as it was? Was this a test for me as it was for him? We only had each other's phones for a few minutes so I was reading too much into it, was I reading too much into it, not finding him any matches? Is there a possibility that he's at all interested?

Have either of you ever let a girl swipe your Tinder for you back before you were on, back before when you were on the market? I consider myself demisexual, but sometimes I feel like all I want in life is a fuckboy and think he'd fit the bill. How does someone who is so scared and unsure of this whole hookup culture go out and get that nasty D? Anyways, I'm still drunk and high and the female version of blue balling. Any help you can provide is hashtag dope.

Love, Mary Jane. I can't remember if I ever traded phones to- What is demisexual? I don't know. I love everyone. Okay. It seems like what you swipe and try to get for him just shows the kinds of women that are attracted to him because if you match, that means they swiped right on him.

I feel like- So it's not like- This was- you overthought that. Like that's- I did or she did. No, she did. Like that's a step- that's beyond the pale to me. Swiping girls with her body type on Tinder to see if that's-

He's- you're on the couch with each other already. That's more flirtatious, you know? Yeah, but she's like, he's not matching with anybody with my body type. That just means that they didn't swipe right on him. Yeah. It has no indication on what he likes to see. I think there's way too many variables to make anything you've learned from that usable. And it's also not worth learning because you have kind of the direct source of the information

of if he's into you or not like there, you know? Yeah. So you're too high to conduct a science experiment. You cannot. You're a bad detective. Yeah. Wait a minute, you didn't match with any of the duck-faced fucking skanks. Yeah.

Sorry, I dropped your phone in this bowl of popcorn. That means you don't like me. Why? But I'm actually guys that don't have your body type, which means you're worse, which fucked me. You're hot to me. Am I hot to you? Yeah.

Isn't that what it's all about? Like- That's what it's all about. It does detective work when all they want to say is, you're hot to me. Am I hot to you? Right. Or like, you're hot to me right now, am I hot to you right now? And then that escalates in you're hot to me most of the time, am I hot to you most of

the time? And then that escalates to the greatest of all time. You're hot to me always, am I hot to you always? Will you be hot to me forever? I'm on one D. Those were my vows to chill. We can't get busted to each other, babe. I just don't want to be a seven to you.

Even when I'm 72. Flat line. I died at my wedding. Yeah, so relax, which you probably will once you stop being drunk and high. And then ask him- Are you cool with them hanging out in groups during quarantine or something like that? Right. Obviously not.

Everybody goes home to their separate areas who knows who they're coming in contact with and then you get together and you share the germs, don't you? You're in a room and you're talking without masks and things start getting spitty and flowy. I want the news, not the weather. Oh, here's the weather. 72 and I'm fucking COVID. 19 positive.

Remember when you were calling people on Instagram live and you got a call from somebody that was just hanging out with their friends? Yeah. I'm like, what's going on over there, lady? She's like, I know, we're bad. Just hanging out with my friends. Yeah, just hanging out at your friend's house. That's the fucking point.

You can't do that. That's the thing that everyone's mad about, right? Because you're not supposed to hang out with your friends. I love it. No shame. Here's something I learned. I guess the transmission is so much more palpable indoors in a closed space with a lot of people. The worst place to be is in one room without a lot of circulation with 10 to 20 people

because if one person has it, it just slowly fills up the room and everyone's breathing. You said sucking and fucking. They don't even have to do that. They're just spitting and living. If you're like, oh, I'm going to be responsible, it's less than 10 people, it's nine. We didn't do anything. We just hung out in my bedroom. That would be really bad.

It could be better to hang out with 30 people at a park. Yeah. Oh, definitely. If you're outdoors and wearing a mask, that seems to be the way to go because the spittle and the virus just sort of dissipates away. So the odds of you getting it are very little. The odds of you staying in that cloud are very little. Have you been going to parks?

I've been walking around outside. I haven't been meeting friends at parks. You always wear a mask when you go outside. Yeah. Here's something I'm intrigued about that I might look into. This shield. Interesting. That's right.

More on that later. It might be my unsolicited next week if the one arrives and I happen to like it. So you bought one? I bought two. So you're more than interested. You're... I'm interested. Yeah.

You're taken. You're taken with it. You have bought one. Yeah. Here's my question though. It goes right in front of your face. That's right. But isn't it open below?

So like things could still come in from under the shield. Like the mask cups the face. The mask cups the face but it's not as thick as plastic. But it feels like for it to be really effective you need like a full on astronaut helmet. That's right. You need the deep sea diver helmet. That's what you need. Yeah.

Save for getting an astronaut helmet. I feel like mask though imperfect is better than nothing and face shield might be just as good as if not better than a mask and if we're all just doing it to be extra cautious what if the face shield is better? Would you do face shield plus mask? That's what hospital workers are supposed to do. They're supposed to shield and then also wear a mask in 95 style so that if anything gets in then they're prevented.

Right. It seems like that's the safest. Yeah. But I'm looking for the best of the rest option and I've tried the mask and like you said it's a little difficult to breathe. Not impossible so you still have to wear one and it keeps spit from coming in and out. Yeah. No one likes the mask but you have to wear it.

That's not. Yeah. It's such a weird fucking war because it's like the people that are telling people to wear masks like it's not like we enjoy it. Yeah. It's not like we're saying hey like wearing a mask it rules like hey just try it you'll be convinced. Yeah.

Like they're not going to like it because we don't like it either. It's not like a parent telling their kid to eat Brussels sprouts and the kid doesn't like Brussels sprouts but the parent does and it's so not fair. The parent also doesn't like the Brussels sprouts in this metaphor. So the face shield is plastic literally nothing can get through but like you said stuff can fly in but like you know if I'm spitting sneezing talking it sort of gets stuck to the plastic. My question is will it be hot and cumbersome. Yeah.

I want a mask that is I want like I want the Nike mask. The dry fit. I want the REI I would the Patagonia mask. I want something that's like very sleek. Yeah. Very comfortable lightweight minimal something I can move in. Also the mask doesn't cover your eyes. Can you get it in through your eyes.

Yeah. That's what the whole thing is like don't rub your eyes. Oh right. That's right. Okay. Great. Actually I've been wearing the mask over my eyes and nose keeping my mouth exposed. So almost kind of like a thick sleeping mask of sorts.

This is all while you're making out with the spectrum guy. And doing it all for a fucking glass of hole getting half and half ass. All right. I'll keep you guys posted. That and that and a Roomba are two things I'm looking into but let's not get too ahead of ourselves I'm not willing to endorse either. I have a I've got a Roomba we chat we'll chat about it next week. All right.

Cool. We'll talk offline. Maybe we can talk about it tomorrow or something. No I'm not not not if I'm not going to get cash for it so I could when I talk to you it's work. Okay. How about I'll talk for work. I'll give you $20.

I could just pick your brain about the Roomba because I there's like a bunch of options and I feel like it'll be helpful for me to find a demo me 20 bucks. I probably do like let's but let's keep it to a tech session. Venmo me 20 bucks. We text about it. Three texts or less. I can't I'm afraid of can I ask multiple questions per text. No, no, no.

Yeah. Fine. Jesus. Let's let me ask the questions first. I feel like the show ended and we're still talking. So why don't you then no way it's show is still going on. We're still I'm still recording. Are you still recording?

I'm still recording. Yeah, but I felt like it felt like we like signed off or like we'll see you next week or whatever. No, I haven't said that. I haven't said we'll see you next week. Okay. I'm going to I might invoice you for the for this second. Oh my God.

You are your assistant. Your assistant just sent me an invoice. This is why you fucking have this person. That's right. So OK. So yeah, another. It's still have. All right.

So let's sign off now because I can't afford these bills. Solomon Solomon to cool it with the invoices. Yeah. Please tell him to relax. He's relaxed. Relax to relax. He's relaxing. Every time I refresh five more invoices, I have 31 invoices from Solomon Hurwitz.

Yeah. That's right. I adopted my assistant. This is. We're talking about my son. What? You have a child now who's invoicing me to talk to you. All right.

If you have any questions of your own theme song, send them on down to if I were you show at gmail.com. The opening one was that epic power ballad. Oh, yeah. I don't know if you'd call it a power ballad, but it was by Rick Rick, the we are Vasco. And this one is sort of a nice acoustic version of Teenage Dirtbag. Fuck yeah. If you play my song, can you shout out my older brother, Will, who first introduced

me to Jake and Amir as well as Nadpot. So shout out to Calvin for writing that song and his brother will for introducing him to us. Awesome. So shout out to you guys for listening and as always more content on our Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A., we're answering questions. We're watching outtakes. We're doing it all.

And people have been digging those, so we appreciate it. Check that shit out. We'll be back, of course, next week. Oh, yeah. The head gum, the head gum podcast too, we should mention. We dropped the episode, the first episode in this feed. So whether you downloaded it or not, it's there right there for you in this feed. So episode right before this one is the first episode of the head gum podcast.

Yeah. It's a good time just catching up with Jeff and Riley. I enjoy it. Yeah. And that was episode one and episode two is coming this week. So episode two was insane. Yeah. At one point, Jeff was convinced he wasn't recording.

So that sort of derailed everything a little bit. His computer died. He thought he lost his audio. Riley was on her phone. Call drive. We're all just doing our best, I guess. And we'll be back next week. Ciao, everyone.

Peace. His name is Shmuel. He has a chipmunk face and I'd be in hell if he doesn't read my email. Oh, how you go rocks with peels and brunch locks, but Jake won't give him the golden mic and Jake only gives a turdy to him cause Amir's a talking chipmunk, baby. Yeah, Amir's a talking chipmunk, baby, listen to if I were you and you'll see. That was a headgum podcast.