If I Were You - 443: I THINK (w/Ben Schwartz!)

Episode Date: July 13, 2020

In this episode Ben calls Amir and accidentally joins the show! We discuss our friendship, our mental health, and our fake names.For more podcasts with us on it, check out THE HEADGUM PODCAST on THE HEADGUM NETWORK.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. That's nice. Yeah. I feel like that could be a song outside the podcast. It wouldn't make a ton of sense, but it could work, you know? It was 30 seconds long. How could that work as a song outside the podcast? As an intro to a song.

As an intro to a song. I'm just saying it doesn't need, it doesn't need us for context, for context is all. An intro to a song? Fuck off. Just introduce the show. Say who did it. Okay. I've never heard of that.

That's not the song, it's just the intro to the song. It's like a skit or something. If the song has an intro, it has a bridge, it has a riff, there's different terminology for music. But like to sing during the intro and then it like introduces a new song. That's the intro. Yeah. The intro to the verse.

To the hook. Okay. Yeah. Oh, I see this. You wrote this song. You performed it. So you're just mad that I didn't. And I feel like it could exist without the podcast itself.

I know. Yeah. Hey, it's Jake. It should exist without the podcast. Can you let people know that this would be a good intro to a regular song and then sort of drop the ball that I wrote it and then have people be like floored. I can't gauge people. You're not supposed to read that email verbatim, obviously.

Yeah. I really think this could be the start of a burgeoning music career, LOL, unless you don't think so, then it won't be that good. But do you think this could be the intro? Don't read the PS. Oh my God. PS. You can read the whole image.

Don't read the PS. Five minutes later, PPS. I really think that this could be the intro to a song. You know how there's like an intro, a bridge. Yeah. And then like the verse. So I think this could be the intro. It's obviously a little redundant.

It's obviously a little redundant. Hearing it back, it sounds weird. A new email. That could be a song. 6-11 a.m. Eastern time. It seems like you set an alarm to send this one. Hey, still haven't heard back. You sent the previous one all the way to sleep so I didn't respond.

Hey, didn't hear back. Do you think that this could be the intro of a song? I read the PS on this one. Yeah. I know I wrote a PS here. Yes. I think this could really, really, really be. I don't want to jinx it, but an intro to a song.

Nice. I asked you not to read the PS. Actually, that song was written by a Canadian. Oh. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Hope to see you guys in my shit whole town.

That's right. You guessed it. Windsor, Ontario. Okay. Let's see where Windsor, Ontario is. That was written by Alexander Stojkowski. You would think it would be written by like Bert Williams from Alabama, but no. It's actually written by Alexander in Windsor, Ontario.

Thanks, Alexander. Windsor, Ontario, it's such, it's no. What? No, that can't be right. Windsor? No, this can't be. This is my childhood house. Well, just like where it is on the map, it's south of Detroit.

You know, you don't really think of that. Oh, interesting. Oh, yeah. That's the town that's like across the lake. Like people from Detroit used to go to Windsor to like gamble in their Canadian casinos. But the fact that it's south of Detroit is weird. Yeah. It's weird that there are parts of Canada that are south of parts of America.

Yeah. That'll fuck your brain up. I'm sure this has come up before, but one of my favorite geographical facts is that Reno, Nevada is further west than LA because of the way California sort of bends east. That is very interesting. That's a good fact. Yeah. It's not true.

But isn't that kind of interesting to be like, huh, a part of Reno, Nevada is further west than LA. That would be interesting. Yeah. And like Spokane, Washington is actually, it's north of Alaska geographically speaking. Because if you're, as long as you don't have to tell the truth about stuff, Florida is an island. If you're holding the globe upside down, anything could be north, south, east, west of the other

place. It's all, it doesn't matter. Yeah. Did you know that Spain doesn't exist? It's just a city in France where they speak Spanish. So that's kind of interesting. Oh, very cool. Yeah.

Very cool. Did you know that Alaska starts with an L? Now we're just doing spelling ones. Did you know that I'm four foot 11 and I have green teeth? Now we're just playing make believe. No, I really do have green teeth. Look at that. You do.

Wow. Holy shit. Wow. I have, I told you I have swamp mouth. So I have a little ecosystem, a fern gully of sorts growing on my tongue and on the back of my teeth. And I have a cotton ass. I have anal jaundice.

So my asshole is yellow. My ass is dry. Arid and yellow as a desert. Would you, if I gave you $10,000, would you have? Yes. Absolutely. Yes. Hell yeah.

Fucking. Five figures? Yeah. I haven't told you what it is yet. Okay. Yeah. I would do it. Like, you know, when you're, sometimes you're like in a lake or a river and you like your

feet touch the rock and it's like really mossy and slick down there. It's like algae or something. Yeah. I would gouge my eyes out. Yeah. I didn't say that. I didn't say that. What I'm suggesting is a lot less severe than gouging your eyes out.

Jesus Christ. How'd you get there? I was talking about algae. I thought we were talking about 10 grand. Yeah. No, I was talking about, never mind. I was just going to say, if you would you have algae on like the inside of your teeth for a month for $10,000.

Oh. God. Now you're turning around. You were ready to fucking stab yourself in the eye for 15. Yeah. I was ready to punch a fucking nail file through my gums. What? Like.

That'd be a fun podcast where you just like go on and you describe the most painful thing that you think that you could imagine. Yeah. And then you will do like would you rather? That's where you have to pay. Yeah. You have to pay to like say, yeah, I would do that. And then as soon as they do that, we'll have somebody like barge into their house and fucking

do it. You're like, yeah, you'll do the fucking nail file. Get them boys. And we'll arrange with the next of kin or something like access to the apartment or house. Next of kin. So you know, so you know the people, like the people will die. At a certain point, like some of the stuff is going to be pretty fucked up.

Yeah. So like the nail file. Shall we head off for $11? All right. And then we do it. And we have, we have a recording of them allowing access. And once we have access, that's all you need to do this shit. You can, I can beg you, like I can beg you to punch me.

And if you did it and we have a contract written out, you can do it without like me suing you. Right? I guess it is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A verbal contract? No.

Notarized written consent. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. You are, aren't you a notary? Didn't you get notarized? Yeah. I've been going to notary school every night for the past eight weeks now.

And I'm officially, yeah, I'm a notary public, which is kind of cool. That'd be the coolest thing you could fucking doing COVID. You know, you're like, you come out and you're like, oh yeah, like I learned to make my own bread. Like, oh yeah, I started like doing crochet projects. Like, yeah, well, I'm a fucking notary. How's that? I could fucking notarize your shit.

That seems like. I have, I have a stamp. Okay. I have stationary. Yeah. And I'm a fucking notary. What is a notary specifically? Just like a legal person that can say that somebody signed something.

That seems like the first job in America. Why is it still a thing? I don't know. But it's like, it's like a legal, it's like a legal witness, right? Like, I saw this guy sign it. Like I watched it. And it can't just be any guy. You need to be officially qualified to be a guy that watched it.

How do you become a notary? Yeah. What the fuck can find out? I'm going to open a new tab because the last one was where's Windsor, Ontario. I bet it's like a, I bet it's a government scam type thing where it's like, yeah, you have to pay $2,500 for this online course and the course doesn't really teach you anything because all you really have to do is stamp something after someone signed something. But then they take that cash and then they use it, carte blanche, however they see fit.

And that's the problem. All that notary money belongs to me. There's an exam. You have to take a notary exam. Really? Shit. Give me a fucking sample. Don't freak out.

You don't even know what's... Oh my God. You have to learn notary law and it's a PDF that's 17 pages long. Jesus. Page one is just looking at someone signing something for dummies. Oh, wait. Wait. At the bottom, you can just click accept.

Yeah. So I have read and understand the rules of becoming a notary and I'm a fucking, I've been notary. Really? Yeah. You're a notary? No, I'm a notary. That was it? I wonder if I get like, I feel like I should get like an S-quire or a doctor or some kind

of like signifier in my, you know, like instead of mister, I'd be like notar. What? You mean notar? Hurwitz? Fine. Have at it. Use it. Go for it.

Don't take a fucking test. Hey guys, get a load of notar over here. Hey, node. I'll pivot back to being a musician. I really think I can do the intro of a song. Yeah. I know you think that. All right.

This is an advice podcast. After all, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the web that I host with Jake. And I host with Amir. There's a lot of imitation advice podcasts, but none that we specifically host with each other. So there was that one you tried to start a few years ago, which is kind of weird. You tried to start a podcast without me. Really?

Which one? It was like the Jake and Hurwitz advice hour, which I thought was pretty fucked up actually. People should subscribe to that one actually. I think I'll unearth that guy. My solo act. Yeah. Where I kind of just do like, notarized songs. Yeah.

No wonder it didn't go off. Like that sounds awful. Hold on a second. We have a, we have a special guest ready. Please welcome to the podcast, Ben. Yeah. Ben, you're on with Jake and Amir. Oh my God.

Hey, are we, is this a podcast? I just need to talk to Amir for a second, but are we on an actual, what are we on? We're on. Yeah. You're on if I were you. Oh, okay. Let's take some questions, baby. What's the first one?

Yeah. We haven't really started it. You said you wanted to ask me something. So I sent you a link to this. I actually think I thought of a great idea for something and I was going to, I was going to tell you about it. This is not a Jake. You wouldn't understand it.

It's too above his head. So I wanted to talk. What is it about? It's a smart, it's a smart person idea. Oh, all right. I wanted to talk to you about it. And then I made a tack it today. If it makes sense.

What is the idea? An idea you can have today. I can have a smart idea. I've already started the wheels. I started because this is what happens when Amir doesn't pick up. I picked someone else to talk to about it. You know what I mean? Okay.

And it was me. It was a mute. No, no, you're down. No, no, smart person idea. Come on. Okay. I think I thought of a great idea. And I think it could be a podcast type thing.

I think I'm going to start it today. Jesus. Is it like, is it related to content? Like streaming video, recording audio? Is it related to content? Tell your grandma to get off the goddamn fucking, to get off. Is this in the world of advertising or data management? Jakey, I love you, Jakey.

I love you, man. I miss you. Haven't talked to you in a bit. How was it? We were sort of talking about, we're about to answer some questions. If you don't really... I have a question. Is that all right if I ask you a question?

Sure. Yeah, yeah, sure. Fire away. What do you want to do? What are you doing, man? What have you been spending your time with, Jake? We should. We should.

What about you right now? Okay. You are doing it. This is that. I don't know if I can get rid of Amir because I'm not the host. Get rid of. I can get rid of him. He doesn't have to get...

Okay, good. We muted him. Hey, so what are you doing, by the way? Is everything good? Yeah. I mean, everything sucks, but I'm hanging in there. Everything's fine. Are you walking quite a bit and working out and stuff like that?

I don't know. Yeah. I've been doing a lot of biking. That's been my quarantine activity. With a mask on? Yeah, wear the mask. You got to wear the mask. Wow.

I know. Thank goodness you're armed to sing. Isn't that... How much are you biking? Where are you? What city are you in right now? I'm in New York City right now. I'm biking maybe 10, 15 miles a day.

Does it feel like we can finally talk? Yeah. It's really nice to catch up. What are you up to? All you have to do is literally get rid of him. That's all you have to do. That's so convenient. I'm all right.

I'm riding. I'm getting in my head a bit because I'm riding. Oh, he got back. He's back here. Sorry. Sorry, Amir. Good to see you, buddy. Hey.

I was muted, but I could hear everything you said about how you wish you could talk to Jake Moore and how all he had to do is get rid of me, you said. All right. You both look... All right. Hey, so you know that Amir just beat Link to the Past? Is that all the Link to the Past? No.

I mean, that's really... I think that's good, right? That's impressive. And it took you... It didn't take you that long. Do you guys not talk when it's not work stuff now? Because you live so far away from each other? Yeah.

We only talk about other video games. Yeah. So I beat this game for children and it took me probably... What do you think, Ben? Two months, 40 hours? 45 hours? 45 hours, something like that. And a lot of help, right?

A lot of help. Ben coached you through a large... I mean, there were certain parts where I wouldn't be able to figure it out. So Ben was able to... I had to come in and save the day. Yeah. Kind of like, not unlike Link, the character. And isn't the character's name Link, right?

So you kind of saved the day. Well, in your game, his name was Amir. You know what I mean? Oh, that's right. Yeah, Link's name was Amir. He changed Link's name to Amir. Why? Because he's a child?

Was he like... Yeah, the object is to get acorns in the game. And so obviously the best person to do that would be Amir. Right. So you're just like squirreling away acorns for the winter. And then how do you win? Do you like survive the winter on your stash? You got to survive 45 hours straight in your own bunker that you've made via acorns.

As long as you have nuts, yeah. Yeah, you got to have them. And that's awesome. Because Amir... I don't know if the character had any resemblance to you, but like the big chipmunks cheeks to store your nuts and a bushy tail to keep them winter. He has a sword. He has a shield.

You guys are a professional... You guys are a professional business, right? Yeah. So if so, why don't you get the professional Zoom? You're on the free 40-minute trial Zoom right now. Thanks for asking Ben. I have the pro Zoom. I'm a paying member of Zoom.

But this says 40 minutes remaining. So what do we do after 40 minutes? Do we just stop recording? Not only that, but I've been going for 35. So it says three minutes and 20 seconds remaining. So what do you guys do? You just end the podcast or you start a new one? Yeah.

We'll have to call it there and then probably start a new Zoom meeting. Ideally the one that Jake has to see as the professional pro business Zoom account. Yeah. I'm a notary. So I have one. I'm not a notary yet, but I'm thinking about becoming a notary. How's the far more popular Dungeons & Dragons podcast going? Well, you don't have to say specifically far more popular,

but you can ask them about the Dungeons & Dragons podcast for sure. Sorry, sorry, sorry. How is that bad? They're two times speed. Let's take the question again. I'll cut out the first version. It's not that much bigger. I think it's only about four or five times as big as this show.

Ben, let's go. I don't want to get too far down the path. Ben, can you take that question again without saying the... That's my question clean because I'm afraid I might be able to cut it out. I bet you get money for ads. I bet you get real money for ads. Oh yeah, we get paid. And it's incredibly...

It's also really fun and rewarding is the other thing. Because you're playing towards something. Ben, Ben, can you ask that question again? I don't want to get too far down the path. Yeah. But I was guessing with friends. Possibly have to say to Amir that you haven't said in a thousand short films. Let's get the question.

Yeah. Yeah, let's get that question clean. If anything, he's gotten older and sadder. You know what I mean? I'll get... I'll see if I... Is it possible to read this guy again? Yeah, sorry.

Is Marika on or can someone mute him if possible? Yeah, let's... There we go. And he's muted. I love that. That's awesome. I hate when he just talks so much. Can I tell you what the problem is with Amir if I'm going to be honest?

Yeah. It's a laundry list of things and it starts and ends with the same thing. What's that? Love. He didn't get enough of it as a child. He didn't get enough, doesn't know how to get it. Yeah. And I'm here to tell you we have to help him love.

Really? Yeah. Look, Jake, I love you. I love you too. I think you're great. I talked to you far less than I talked to Amir and I already know that I love you more than I love you. Yeah, I'm back.

I heard the stuff about me that's incapable of feeling that way. So say I love you. Either one of us, Amir. Just do it quick. I would, but my Zoom's about to run out. It says less than a minute left. So we're going to stop the first half right here. We'll thank some sponsors.

Come back on the second half. Maybe Ben will be here. Maybe... Guys, the sponsors are they like really... Are they like really weird? Is it like Matthew? Be right back, everybody. Be right back, everybody.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole.

This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant.

Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you.

The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift.

And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A Frames dot com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th.

So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A Frames dot com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to.

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Check them out. It's betterhelp. Ben, do you have any answer to the question if that's okay to throw a question that works forward? Is that mine, Jake? Yes, that was me. My mirror seems miffed by it but I'm okay with it. Was there ever a time when you were starting with Amir for Jake and Amir where you're

like, maybe someone else? Yeah. For what? For what? Be honest, by the way. Be honest. I'm totally honest. This is a question for you.

Sorry. It's for me. I feel like those questions. Those questions for me, like, is this the right guy? Do I want to be working on projects with him? Came up more in the middle. They come up more now. Yeah, of course.

I don't remember you ever bringing that up. Sorry, Amir. We're having a conversation. It's a podcast. I'm saying it. That came up. We're just talking about the podcast where people talk. We're just chatting, Amir.

We're just chatting. Okay. I don't think everything's real personally. Amir, you're deep-throating the microphone. I'm fine. Are you done? Is that the question? No, we want it to fucking replace me.

Yeah. Stop it. I didn't say you want to. I said, did you ever think about it? Amir? Yeah. I'm just saying, do you have doubts? Sure.

Do you have doubts? But at the end of the day, do you feel like, am I glad with where I am? Am I happy where I am? Do I feel like I did the right thing? No, I don't. Do I think I chose the right guy to take my career on? Of course not. Of course not.

But knowing all that stuff, am I still happy in my life? Am I happy in my life outside of that? And the answer is no. No. He's ruined my life. He's ruined my entire life. Because it rots from the core. Yeah.

So it's like, you know what it is. It's like in the beginning. Sorry, Amir. It's like at the beginning when you... I was going to say, do one to me. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like how you... It's like in the beginning, how you... You have to put training wheels on a bike in order to ride the bike.

Right. And then, you know, after literally... I felt like we were on a tandem bike together. Sorry, buddy. And then after like three or four times on that bike. You no longer need, you throw away those wheels. And you honestly, you throw them away. You don't keep them for anybody else because they're garbage.

That's right. Yeah. You're riding together. They taught you how to ride. And in my... And what I think and tell me if I'm wrong is that Amir was there as training wheels at the beginning and then the wrench somehow doesn't fit the nut anymore and you can't loosen it and get it off.

I want to ride. I want to be free. I know. I want to ride into the sunset and never think about this fucking asshole. I thought that you could have been... I thought... And I'm saying this in the past sense because he's ruined your professional career. Right.

I thought that you could have been a great director. I thought that you could have been a great writer. Me, you and Amir wrote a movie together. What could have been? What could have been? Man, can you imagine if his name wasn't on the cover sheet? I think that really held us. It could still be.

I'm sorry, Amir. It could still be, I would say. I haven't... I can't get it worded yet. Every time I talk, Ben goes, I need to go off the conversation. I think he really held us back. I think having his name, I think having him attached to the project really held us back. That's all I wanted to say.

I think so, too. I think so, too. I literally can't say something, but you can't. You cannot tell Amir this. I can hear it. I'm in the fucking room. You cannot tell Amir this. I won't say a fucking word, man.

I'm not going to name the Prussian company, but I gave it to Amlin, Steven Spielberg's Prussian company. Wow. And when I did it, all I did... You named it. I'm leaving that in. All I did is I crossed out Amir's name. Delete it.

Don't cross it out. No joke. Steven Spielberg picked up the phone and called me. Yes. Steven Spielberg called me. Do you want to know what he said? Amir, I'm about to hear what Steven Spielberg said to Amir. It's a bit of a ban on the phone.

Thank you. Sorry. It's insane that you want to talk right now. He said, first of all... I bet you're going to say that. Pretend you're me and I'm going to be Steven. There, ring, ring, ring. Hey, this is Ben Schwartz here.

Hey, what's going on, Ben? Steven Spielberg. Oh, my goodness. Mr. Spielberg, what a thrill. Thank you so much. What a thrill. For me, it's the thrill, Ben. For me, it's the absolute thrill.

It's the absolute thrill. That means you read the script. I read the script. I have to say, I have so few things to add because it's the Mona Lisa script. Thank you. Wow. Thank you. The first thing I would want to say is it just kind of drew me a little bit.

Somebody's name was crossed out on the front. He'll do it. I couldn't see it. Amir Blumenfeld. It doesn't matter because I love the script so much. It doesn't matter. Because I'm directing this. I know you guys wrote a $5 million movie, but we can make it for $100 million.

What an amazing news. Thank you, Mr. Spielberg. I got to know what that name is because it's bothering me. It's like what Amir Blumenfeld says about the mystery box. Sure. As long as we know we're already making the movie. I have. I faxed over the documents.

So all you have to do, I'll just press the send button and they'll come over to you. Send it. We'll set this thing up. Wow. Send it. Ben Schwartz and Big Caps. Jay Hurwitz. Big Caps.

I haven't heard of this Jay Hurwitz guy, but he feels like he could fly. Do you think he could direct? Do you think he could be a director like you, Mr. Spielberg? Only if I get to produce films. Only if I get to produce films. The other guy, it doesn't matter. He doesn't mean anything. His name was Amir Blumenfeld.

Amir Blumenfeld. His name is Amir fucking Blumenfeld. That's what his name is. Say that you told him that. Amir Blumenfeld. But he's no longer associated with the project. Amir Blumenfeld. Amir Blumenfeld.

Was that on the Jewish Blumenfelds? Yes. What? He knew my family? No fucking. There's no way that. I'm sorry. Your father is a doctor?

Yes. N-O-B-G-Y-N, that's correct. I don't believe this. I don't believe that this happened anymore. There's no way. He knew my dad and he what? Now he's bummed about it. I'm so sorry I have to go.

What? Oh my god. Dude, tell me you fucking. I can't believe that really happened. You ever seen the video? I guess it's a stony remix of yams Now I gotta eat them now. I gotta eat them eat eat the yams Hearing his voice over and over again in rhythmic tones made me so averse to doing anything with anybody

Anybody like Let alone the Amir Blumenthal. He watched the yams video and was a turn by the way, he's turned off that means my favorite I'm good me a favor You keep writing and you tell that Jake fell out to keep writing But if you want to get anywhere anywhere in this business, you got to lose the training wheels my man He used the fucking same metaphor that you're using. Thank you. Let me finish role-playing has been thank you for the advice Mr. Spielberg it's been an honor to chat with you and you've had what a what a huge run you've had through this whole thing I saw Sonic the other day and I saw the three million

And then Billy Crystal standing up falling down I cannot wait to work with you I cannot wait to work with you. It's just you got to throw out the trash when it's Friday I've had an incredible career because I'm an incredible talent mr. Spielberg And I look forward to someday working with you because I'm a great actor and a great writer and and a great guy Chow for now better knowing you out for now. I'll talk to you soon. All right If you and Jake if you and Jake read another script, it doesn't even matter what it is. I'm in Thank you, Steve and okay. Talk to you soon. We have to get rid of the training wheels. I think that's what it is Jake, right? Wow Opened my eyes

I just read the transcript my man and Jake knew it. Jake knew your side. He sent me. Yeah, he sent it to me Email that you fucking idiot. Yeah, I'm not on the email. I didn't get that email The meatball the the meatball boys We do have a tech chain that used to be called the meatball boys. Yeah, where are you guys? What is it? I left it. I left it. Jake and I started a new one called best friends Now I gotta eat it now I gotta eat the yeah I like that. So do you have any unsolicited advice or like stuff that you've learned or taught or Don't you have to ask a question and then we figure it out. Yeah, we could do that too. All right

All right for this question. I'm looking to get it. Yeah, let's get to a question. Why not? exciting Ben's never Never let us answer ask a question. So this is pretty cool Well, can I ask you a question before we start or is that we're? Yeah, how do you have you have you felt healthy? How you feeling recently? I Feel super. Yeah, that's yeah, I feel healthy. Are you losing your mind a bit yet? Yeah, oh mentally. I feel unhealthy

Even sleeping how's your sleeping patterns been sleeping fine actually really amish Sleeping pretty good. I just keep drifting later and later and later So I'm trying to like be in bed by midnight, but some night. That's not always up at like Are you always up at like 8 a.m? Yeah, he's up. Yeah, usually I usually wake up around 8 then what's your then what's your time? I do wake up early and I go to sleep at like 11 something and I usually wake up at 7 something But I've been sleeping so poorly lately. I'll have a great day, and then I'll have a terrible day ups and downs ups and downs ups and doonsons All right, we got a question from somebody who was asked to photograph a wedding

So now the person of a name may make it up you can please yeah, we need a fake name if you have any Well, is it an ordinary? What does any normal name will be fine? Yeah, it's a normal name or no It's an ordinary. It could be one of our names just a random name to Bob Mike Jeff Well, okay, so like an ordinary. It's called Bob Mike Jeff. No, let me throw. Let me throw down if I can throw it down Sure. Yeah, any normal. Yeah, can I dunk it you spiked it up? Do you mind if I slam it down? Yeah, we're taking a lot of time to be a basketball player if you're saying that kind of stuff Just say like Michael Jordan. It's like a normal a normal name. I feel like we've established it Yeah, it's like Michael Jordan. Does it have to be like Michael Jordan? It could just be a normal one

It can't normal. It could be like Michael Jordan. It could be fucking Michael Jordan. Just say Cravel Cravel Cravel woods and tunt What is that that's r-a-v-e-l-w-o-o-d woods and s-e-n tunt t-u-n-t Tunt is such an unfortunate word Not a normal name, but we'll call him that for now Cravel writes an old roommate from college

Reached out and asked if I'd be interested in shooting his wedding next month. I'm a videographer So this would be my first wedding and I was honored. So I gave it a tentative. Yes We live a few states away where COVID cases are trending down And he scaled back the guest list to fit within state guidelines only close family and friends are attending the wedding party And at first I was nervous because this would be my first time shooting an event like this But now I think I'm realizing it's because I'm uneasy attending a gathering of 20 to 30 new people during this pandemic Even if I'm mostly on the outskirts with a camera I'm sure there'll be moments where I'm up close and chatting and I plan to wear a mask

But surely no one else is going to be wearing a mask at this wedding, right? That would be a weird scene for the bride and groom to be like masked at the altar It'd be honored to be there I'd be honored to be there for a day and help capture this wedding for my friend But I'd be lying to say if I wasn't a little irrationally worried. What would you do in my shoes? Stay healthy Corvell woods and tunt Cravel I was I was actually trying to get a the pictures Jake sent me to tweet. I didn't listen to a word you said

Okay. Yeah, this guy would you shoot a wedding right now is the question? Oh Great question. What do you think Jake? I think you're not over I think I think I think I think that's perfect. That's cool. I fucking love that really good It's bad when it's two people doing it Benz was nice that yours was really off, right? Sorry about that. Yeah, it's fine Okay, I think I think What do you think I think it's not an overreaction to be nervous to travel to a 30-person event and photograph a wedding right now I don't think you should do that But I think if he wants to help his friend out

You could show up early and set up the camera on a tripod so we can help film the wedding from a distance But he doesn't have to be there. That's what I Have so much writing to do I just FaceTime I'm here at the wrong time, but now I'm doing a podcast I Okay, we came up with an iconic bit on the fucking fly everyone's talking about I think forever I mean, what's we're doing tick-tock so bad is that a tick-tock? Yeah, I think that it's I think that I think that it is honestly Scary I would I'm invited to one of my closest friends weddings and I don't know if I can fly to New York to go to it

It's in it's later in the year, too I just like it's it's I would love to I love this person. He's a good friend of mine for my whole life and You know, I haven't even got home to visit my family yet So I'm all nervous about all that stuff. So I understand the trepidation. I literally didn't hear the story. I just heard Amir's Reinterpretation of it because the guy had such a fucking normal name. It was hard to concentrate What's it done? I would say What he basically said I want to do something if I want to like I want to be a part of it if I can but I'm scared Is that basically it? Yeah, he's sort of yeah, I was invited chicken not chickening out. He's smarting out

He's deciding you maybe shouldn't go but he doesn't yeah if he has to fly there I understand it and also what happens if he flies there and doesn't quarantine and then he gets everybody to wedding party sick Something about that you might when is it happening? Did he give you a date? I think he said next month vaguely. So wait, your friend is still is that wedding still on then across very small We're having a very small get-together and then they're having a bigger wedding in a year But like a small the marriage part is gonna be a small thing Jesus that seems dangerous even have a wedding right now let alone invite out-of-town guests Just in general to get married. You mean yeah, he shouldn't even well. Yeah committing your life right now

It might be melting down. I think I don't know what you're talking about. I Think Or don't do it. I don't want to do it It's not an option come on it. I Think it's not really good to invite friends in California. It's a hot spot. You wouldn't want to have them So that I think I just don't know how to sing I suck at singing I played with a mirror like twice and he's just beat me so bad that it's not fun

Like I can't have fun if I just consistently come in last place. I can't imagine You got a drink. I have a switch imagine being a mirror in real life I think Nice you beat a mirror though, right? Like you guys talking about coming in last in real life all this one life That's tough. That's the card or no, that's that's rough, man I I want to empathize with you, but I don't really I guess like I come in last in some of the ways that like we're Associated with you know like together, you know, like you've made me come in last so I can I can empathize with coming at last If it means anything, I've seen you're directing work in lonely and horny and I think you would come in first place

Thank you, man. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Was a mirror in that by the way I'm happy that you didn't notice cuz that's what I spent a lot of my that's what I spent a lot of my vision like trying I was looking at the craft. I was looking at the craft and I saw the supporting players But I'm not quite certain who the lead was Lead was me Was it a half a pound of hair? Wasn't it bucktooth chipmunk 140 pounds of fucking pure muscle you look Bastard, you don't weigh 140 pounds soaking dry

I'll play Mario Kart maybe your top three funniest friends Jake don't think about it So it could be real ready top three funniest friends that you've ever had you don't have to do this Number four is not even fucking close Is there a distance for like you huge drop-off yeah huge drop-off drop off to the point of what's the point? Yeah, I was gonna say you too, and then yeah me and Ben that's what I was gonna say Do you know anyone else gonna say that then I was a rule where's a rule where we couldn't use each other or something that I missed So I'll say no we both said each other Yeah, I said Jake right off the bat

Really we all said each other because I said Ben Ben said me and then you said me and Ben No, I was gonna say Mike Pence Not that we're close, but he writes me an email sometimes asking for money My gardener Republican emails from right from Mike Pence Well, I don't need to I don't want to say which way I lean, but I don't have a ton of money to Trump and Mike Pence back Indicating which way you lean that right? Don't you own I try not to get too political. Yeah

This is my canister of Goya be Goya beans and yeah, I guess I was my ad dollars I Hate that is that the whole podcast? Yeah, that's our time if you wanted to promote anything or give a shout out to anyone now's your chance Love to give a shout out to Jake Hurwitz check out his stuff He's got a Dungeons and Dragons podcast for head gum. That's really popular gets huge ad bucks Cool Yeah, I won't be missed. I mean

One of those shows that self-cancels that doesn't Recording Enemies is what they said Rick I actually just searched that term on medium. You're the only person that wrote that you're you left What are you talking your medium.com blog post you created a fucking account just to lambast my basketball Shoot in a miss, right? It's been Schwartz. Holy shit. This is really long. I cannot believe you wrote this May I'm here Jacob Jacob sent me a list of a person. I'm gonna tell you what their name is

Okay, live W Put together all the names that I ever made up May I go through them real quick? Yes, please Wow Or you give them a different videos in the podcast it seems I've only read the first page, but I retweet it because I support Jake Okay, so rate them one through ten in terms of names, okay Okay, let's do a quick. There's a lot. Here we go. I'm here Blumenfeld zero worst names. Okay, I'm here Joe great Scott scabby losses Jim iconic 10 Sash and I'm tuned it God. That's a 10 Stanley

Carrot Slat Paul Janet Stansen Charles Krush Toost Charles King in a pumps Sulu candles cherry, dude cherry, dude cherry dude is a 10 I'm here Blumenfeld Scalby loftsus Jim Krush toos. Yeah, Jerry, dude Stanley Stanley keeps nice Talbot Corbel love that one kooch frault

Dusty dusty fieldston precious fieldston precious fieldston Champi Chost Shirley kelp Chad salad nice Chad salad is from a lot. Yeah, I remember Chad salad is from Chad Carter and I Think we did a show we did together Chad. So I think it was a Charlie Cal Hoden. That's good Hoden France leaps Drexler Chalk cotton with a tee or like Orlando Cornel Corp or a copter

Yes, we in win up liable ream job To Carly Salabach Michael Boobly right Jensen Lawrence Odolago's Suken kidnkly Sturlp a napkin Sturlp a napkin. Oh shit. That was from Dublin. God damn Durfrey pinball Clint power to food

Diane pillow means Smith hydrangeas Myth is his first name. No, that's the full name Diane pillow means Smith hydrangeas Earl fight to teat Sue don't a girl so who? Chance Philanthropy shall a money Sherbert daltret Charlie crowned old gotcha and Ralph Park watermelon. I got and what and what was the latest one today Cravel Bravo, Cravel Woodson turt

Tunt woods woods and tunt Yeah, I got that one what a fortuitous thing that this list was like made and shared as you called us to be on the podcast Well, it's because we talked for the first time so you texted it to me crazy this I just saw this as we're on the phone Really? Yeah, so while we're talking you're on Twitter. It was during the break That's beautiful Amir and I have been going back and forth before we stopped and Jake Do you know the Hamilton album at all or no, I don't know the album very well I saw the play twice so I know it but yeah, no, I don't know well Amir and I have been going back and forth

He's trying to learn the words. So let's do which one what song do you want to do Amir? God, how about Alexander Hamilton the titular song the best song which is just the name of the show and I think that's a great song Okay, and you can't You can't Google lyrics No, yeah, I know the lyrics up to Google. How does a bastard orphan? Yeah, yeah, son and I I Son of a whore and a Scotsman drop dinner

middle of the end that dinner of a forgotten spot in the Caribbean by Providence and Buffets impoverished and squalor grow up to be a Dan and a dude Gotta tell you we do fuck around here a lot In terms of we do fuck around here a lot, but in terms of funny That's all we do not don't say a lot like we do anything else in terms of funny I have to admit. I know we should I'm a lot, but fucking Jake is the funniest there is man Yeah, I think we got there and you mean you love you guys both of us you love you Ben

You're the man Ben. I love you dude like a brother Man, I can't imagine I don't like that. We haven't talked maybe we do a little a face time and catch up like real humans I'm down. Why do we always have to zoom on like I'll give you you have my me of my private number, right? Yeah, not the one we shared with him here not the one from meatball boys the techs chain because yeah, I know you Get back to writing I feel like we love you guys. How many questions did you answer just ones? Yeah, just that one that you let us accidentally answer I hope this gets a lot of views. I hope yeah, it's a podcast so nobody's watching, but yeah Yeah, that it can do we appreciate you stopping by you did shit on me a lot middle-ditch and Schwartz on Netflix

Check out standing up falling down. That's me Billy Crystal Space Force is out if you want to watch that. Oh nice Wow, I mean, that's it. Maybe this maybe this idea for a podcast I just thought that might be something that's right. Yeah, I've been to Ben's new podcast if it exists now I'm probably won't exist. I can't imagine I have the Time to put it together. I want I'm thinking about it. I want to do it. I'll take it. I'll plug in your microphone for you I'll do the hard part. Oh And he's gone you left fucking left Jesus. Well, I guess I

Guess that's it my god. What a hurricane at the very least the tropical storm. Yeah Opening theme song. Do you remember it? Now? I already forget. Oh, no, it was that Alexander from Canada, right? I'm in Hamilton. Wait, was it Hamilton Canada? No, it was a Windsor, Ontario. That's right. It was like a year ago at this point. Indeed this closing theme song is written by the mighty Adam who is Hugo 7 we've used 182 in a Broadway cover of his before but this is a parody of senses working overtime by ecstasy off their English settlement album, of course Love it

Feel free to shout out our bandcamp, which is destroy the mighty Adam dot bandcamp.com dope name Adam, you know ATOM, of course what I really thought it was about a strong guy named Adam Yeah, it is spells his name ATOM a Tom so cool Thanks to a mighty Adam. Thanks to Alexander. Thanks to Ben for just coming by and Lending his Whatever that was to the show. We appreciate his time and energy and effort always and it's always fun to have him here And it's always fun to have you guys listen for more me and Jake on a podcast check out the headgum podcast on the headgum network Correct and we also have videos every week on our patreon patreon.com slash j a so check those out as well

We'll be back next week. Stay healthy. Stay home. Stay safe Unless you're in New Zealand, you can do whatever you want. Nice jealous Boy a mirror is a chipmunk My mind I'm gonna cry if I don't get enough I'm probably gonna kill myself And now I'm here Jake are gonna do just what it takes. Oh, maybe just make fun of me

Yeah, it's the if I were you show I Had gum network That was a headgum podcast You