If I Were You - 447: Roommate Switch

Episode Date: August 10, 2020

In this episode we discuss Jake's tattoo, Amir's enemy, and a real crazy bride.For more of us on podcasts, check out THE HEADGUM PODCAST on the Headgum network.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Beautiful haunting rendition from an Icelandic friend. You know this Icelandic man who wrote this song and performed it for us? You do as well. That's Ragnar. The Ragnar? That's right. Do you remember Ragnar? Yeah, he beat the shit out of me in Reykjavik. We were waiting to get in line to a party and I saw this fucking six foot eight inch Norwegian god and I said, what'd you get on your SATs, bro?

And he uppercut my chin and he split my lip open. He did sort of like a duffel bag, he tossed you like you were a carry on into the ocean. Fuck, it's so good that this guy, why are you keeping in touch with him? Because I thought we all agreed that he was kind of a different to me. Do you remember when he grabbed you by both of your ears and did this helicopter spin to see how far it could toss you? Watch this, you fucked with the wrong bachelor party, Jake, get this guy. But you guys are all sort of chanting in perfect Icelandic, you're on his side, I couldn't believe it. That kind of iconic little hot dog stand, do you remember that?

He picked you up by your taint and he threw you through the window. Was that what that was? Because I had browned out. At that point I had browned out but I looked up with a very bruised taint. So at that point for us, that was when we realized that Ragnar was the man. He assaulted me, yeah. You were the coolest. And then we sort of brought him, he was like, he took your place. And you said, yeah.

And if you remember, he also... As part of a long con? Yeah, he came to the wedding too because we became best friends with him. I thought that was to set him up. Yeah, I thought you were going to set him up and then when he finally got to the wedding you said, you were going to say, you fucked with the wrong guy and then you punched him or something. But that didn't end up happening. No, no, because after your speech, because I know we posted your speech on our Patreon.

So a lot of people have gotten a chance to see your best man's speech. Before I removed myself, yeah. Right, so what happened was after Mars cut, after the camera stopped rolling, because your parents were there, he came up and he grabbed you by the grundle. The taint again, yeah. He threw you into my wedding cake. So that was kind of an interesting highlight of the day that everybody... My dad, yeah, my dad was applauding.

It was so fucked up. It was a standing ovation from Rivka and Jerome. They loved it. I hated that part. Yeah, I hated that part of your wedding. I thought this was the guy. I think that was the best day of my life, that whole wedding. And I think that Ragnar beating the shit out of you in front of my family and Jill's family

and your family was really up there with the exchange of the vows and the ring. In spite of the moment that he beat me up or because of the moment that he beat me up? No, I think that was one of my favorites. I think that that and me and Jill's first dance is probably my two favorites. Probably that over the dance was my favorite, was when he beat the shit out of you. I thought the dance was lovely. I really love the dance. I thought the dance was really lovely.

Thank you. Thank you. No, we had a good time. It was a nice dance. I didn't have a good time. I woke up in an ER by myself hearing tales of this Icelandic viking sleeping with my father. He's behind you. He's behind you.

He's walked into your zoom frame. Ragnar. He's got you by the balls. Not my taint. It's finally recovered. It's finally fine. Ragnar wrote this, huh? Do you have the email that I sent you?

Yeah, he said, the theme song is a modified version of the one I used for my very own podcast called Calling Monroe. If you could shout that out, I'd be a happy little boy. If people like this, then there's music that's nothing like it on Spotify under bricks. But bricks is spelled with a C and the K sort of inverted. Back with the switched. Yeah. It's a typo of a band name. Yeah.

Well, I hope you supported because Ragnar showed us a great time in Iceland beating the shit out of you and taking us to cool bars and stuff. It was fun. Yeah. It was really nice to have them there. And he saw the bricks, bricks spelled backwards. Nice. Yeah. Asshole.

Careful. Careful. Careful. It'll come for you. Actually, I'm going to cut that part. I would apologize. Yeah, I would apologize. I'm sorry.

I think I would leave it in and I would apologize. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm not going to leave it in just because now I fear the worst a little bit. What if he hears that? He hops on an Iceland air flight. Oh, shit. Would he do that?

I don't know if you can make it. He would. He would. Would the corona reach Iceland or are they just sort of removed, isolated and handled it well? That's a good question. I feel like I saw on Ragnar's Instagram like he was at a party recently. So either it reached them and he's being very irresponsible, but that's not like Ragnar. That's not like my buddy.

I'm going to pull up cases new. Oh, yeah. So at most they are reaching 100 per day in early April and then between July 20th and August 3rd, they had zero new cases. So that must be nice to be part of. Yeah. That's really. They handled it well and they sort of took it seriously and locked down and acted accordingly

and beat the virus, which it must be cool to be there to have it like that so that they can sort of all band together and beat this with intelligent leadership. That's really sweet. At the same time, it's kind of neat. It's kind of neat to be a resident, a citizen of the country that did it first. They peaked at 100 a day and we had 75,000 yesterday. Didn't we cross 5 million? We have the most in the world, right?

Yeah. I think that we have the most and we did it the worst and that's kind of interesting. It's a fun fact. It's a fun fact because a lot of people got hit hard. Shit was bad in Italy. It was bad in the UK. It was bad here, but now it's like, okay, now we're actually special. We're special with how bad we are and that's kind of fun.

That's neat. Yeah, 5 million total. Although if you look at the deaths, we're number one there too. Right. That's also fun. Yeah. I think it's kind of fascinating to be ahead of everyone else with how bad the response was because for some reason, our country made the mask thing up.

We choose, for some reason, no one in the country agrees. We're just utterly split and even on the things that you don't have to be split about, it's like, no, we have to be split. We disagree so hard with the other side that even when it's common knowledge, it's a political thing every time. Yeah. If Trump was like, you have to wear a mask, would I be like, this guy's so stupid and wrong, I have to take my mask off.

I would rather die than follow his word and command. Was it the same the other way around? I don't know. I feel like if he pivoted and started listening to science, I think my brain would break, but I think I'd have to agree with him. I mean, he did recently say that Mariano Rivera was the best pitcher and he is sort of your favorite pitcher too. Mike Moose seen as my favorite pitcher.

Mike Moose is my favorite pitcher, okay? Yeah. I think Mariano was great. Enter Sandman? Yeah, I like him. I think Mariano's good. I don't agree with his politics. I'm just saying that it could be sometimes that you and Trump overlap a little bit.

Yeah. I guess we overlap on liking the Yankees. He also likes Tom Brady, which I finally, I talked to myself out of that though. Really? I don't like the Patriots. I was a Patriots fan for a long time and I kind of don't like them anymore. Wow. So you did a 180 there.

Now, basically, your hatred of Trump made you dislike your favorite football team. Yeah. Pretty cool. So now, who's the new Brady for you? Who's the new poster boy, golden boy? Go. I mean, I love, I guess, I really like Mahomes. Yeah, he seems cool.

He's young and cool. Probably liberal. Right, totally. And I like, who's the, they were both in the Super Bowl. Who's the Giants quarterback? Wait, you mean the Niners quarterback? Yeah, 49ers. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, Jimmy G. Real bad. Jimmy G. Garoppolo. Garoppolo. Yeah. I like him a lot too.

Yeah, he was, he's sort of going to be the next Brady. He's young and handsome and good at football. And he was Brady's backup, right? That's right. And then they traded him because Brady got jealous and angry. That's cool. And the 49ers are a nice, well, I guess they cut cap, so who knows. But I like San Francisco as a city.

That's cool. It's basically, I don't give a fuck about football except that I don't like the Patriots anymore. It's weird to have no team. They were my favorite team and I wanted them to win all the time. And then you don't have a favorite team. And it's like, well, I don't have like, I can't just come up with a new favorite team. I kind of like all of them. Like I like every single team except the Patriots now.

So it's like a 31-way tie for first and then a team that you hate. Yeah. And I don't really like the Seahawks and I don't know why because I shit like them, but I don't. All right. So 30-way tie for first Seahawks in 31st and dead last is the fucking Pats. Right. Right. I wonder if I, if I don't like the books anymore though, because now Brady's there.

Jesus Christ. All right. 29-way tie for first Seahawks in 29 or 30 bucks in 31st and Patriots dead last. That's it. I'm not going to amend it anymore. That's your ranking. That's your power ranking. What?

What? What? What? What other team do you not like as much as every other team? I don't like the Jets. I don't like the Jets at all. I don't like the Jetsons either. All right.

So more or less than the Seahawks, which you say the New York Jets. Medium. Didn't answer my question. Well, let's say final answer. 28-way tie for first. The Jets are the 29th favorite Seahawks 30. 25 bucks 31 and lastly in dead last. You don't have to think anymore.

It's the Colts. It's the Colts. I hate the Colts. Then where would the Patriots be? I haven't said. Patriots are my favorite team. Oh no. I can't keep doing this, but fine.

Here we go. Ever since they got rid of Brady, yeah. Ever since they got rid of that Trump-loving quarterback, I love the Patriots now. Don't dismiss the Las Vegas Raiders either. All right. They moved to Vegas. Do they start playing in Vegas now? This year, yeah.

What a great year to kick off the Vegas Raiders. Oh my God. Good news. I'm playing for the Vegas Raiders. No one's playing for fans. The Strip is a cesspool. Yeah. I can't go anywhere, but it's fun to be here in Las Vegas.

The middle of the desert where everything should be closed. It's super hot. It's the only reason it's good to be in Vegas is because you can go inside and party. You can't do that now. All right. This is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the entire internet. Correct. Can you believe that?

Yeah. The only one hosted by us. Oh yeah. The only one hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. I forgot about that one wrinkle because there are other, right. I think there's a lot of other ones.

Yeah. COVID wedding. Somebody's emailing to write us, writing in a question about a diva bride. So we'll call this guy G Gary room, which is long for groom. I believe it's a lady. Okay. We'll call this one Barry ride short for bride. My younger sister is getting married says Barry in two weeks and I'm the bridesmaid,

which would be fine and normal. Except I don't know if you guys noticed, but we're currently in the middle of a deadly pandemic. Even still, I've seen others have small safe socially distant wedding. Well, not my sister. She wants that. She is having a full wedding with almost 100 people. She doesn't think COVID is a big deal and even buys into the anti mask ideology. Whatever the fuck that is.

I'm a frontline healthcare provider and work in a COVID unit of a hospital. And I see firsthand how horrible this illness could be. I'm extremely uncomfortable with all this. When I brought up my concerns to my sister, she scoffed and said, you better not. You better not wear a mask. And she wasn't kidding. I told her that I would absolutely be wearing a mask and she called me a selfish bitch for making and she called me a selfish bitch for making her wedding about me.

And then went on to say that if I do plan to wear a mask, I'm going to get kicked out of the bridal party. Oh my God. I won't be allowed in any family photos. Of course, I'm incredibly hurt by this, but I don't know what to do. Should I give her into her and ditch the mask or do I hold my ground and face the awkward pain of being an outcast for my own family? I talked about this with my mom and other sister and they both think that I'm being neurotic about it. And I should get over it and do whatever she says. Am I being neurotic?

I mean, they're having a self-serve buffet for fuck's sake. What is wrong with these people? For context, I live in New York, not the city. Oh, and my husband and I got into D&D from NADPOD, so I'll use my character name. Shout out to Bumble Stump. Alright, Bumble Stump. Hell yeah. I gave her a name for no reason, so that was Bumble Stump right again.

Okay, Bumble Stump. Oh dear. Oh my. Why don't we roll for it? Okay. If they're into D&D. Oh my God. Respect the 20-sided die.

Holy shit, you just pulled that out of your ass. What the hell are you doing carrying a fucking die? Oh shit. Your ass. I have to pass it. That couldn't have been good for it. Every night for dessert, I eat a die so I can have this cool party drink where I say, let's let the fate decide.

I squat, take this shit, flick off the duty from the 20-sided die and there it is. How do you spell die? Is it D-I-E, just like regular? Like you die? That's how I would spell it. But doesn't it seem like it should be spelled a different way? D-I maybe.

Yeah, 20-sided die or D-U-I-E or something. Dice is a funny word, dice and die. Dice is good. Dice is nice. It's cool to say dice, but it's weird to say die, a single die. 20-sided die. Alright, so pull out your 20-sided dice. Okay, here's my 20-sided dice. So I'll roll it and what do you want to say?

Like just basically a coin flip, 0-10, she wears a mask, 10-20, she doesn't. Well, what about 10? There shouldn't be an overlap, right? 11-20. But I think it should be weighted towards not wearing a mask. Like I think that should be a more likely outcome. So maybe 1-15 she wears the mask. I think this would be like a charisma-based roll because it's sort of a performance. It's like what you're going to wear, right?

Yeah. Okay, so we would add a performance modifier. I don't know what Bumble Stumps modifier is, but let's- Yeah, just fucking roll the dice. I don't know what the fuck you're saying. A charisma-based modifier. Just fucking throw the little, you already shit it out. I'm going to throw it on the table.

You don't make fun of me for knowing about TNT. Okay, dude, because I'll get really freaking upset. You're already upset. Okay, no, we're going to give her a plus two to performance. Okay. Is that fair? I don't know. So what does that mean?

She has to roll a what here to go to the wedding without a mask. Without a mask, she has to- No, all right, she's got- If we're waiting it towards the mask, she's got a roll, let's say she has to roll above a 10, but I'm going to add plus two to anything. Okay, so she has to roll a really shitty like one through seven for her to go to this wedding without a mask.

We don't want that to happen. That's right. So as long as I roll right now above an eight or above, she wears a mask to the wedding. Okay. I rolled a 19. So she super wears a mask to the wedding. That's actually accurate.

That was an accurate roll then. She should be at a 21 out of 20. Here's the problem. She shouldn't go to this wedding without a mask. And then so she's not allowed to go to the wedding. And then she's living in this weird fucking state where like I find myself in sometimes where it's like, I don't want to wish sickness upon people,

but at the same time, if nobody gets sick, then they'll be like, I told you so for the rest of their lives. So then it's like, do I, in the back of my mind, like wish one of these people who are like in my family get sick just so I could be like, see, I shouldn't have come. You should have worn a mask. Now you're all mad at me and you're all wrong. I want the haters to be wrong,

but the only way to prove them wrong is for them to get sick. And I don't want to wish them sick. So I don't know. I'm torn. Yeah, it is. It's real tough. I hope nobody gets sick either. I hope they get sick, um,

but not with coronavirus and they think they got it at the wedding. And then they're nervous and that's good. And they'll think they had it, but maybe they didn't, you know, I hope they just get it cold and freak out. Yeah, or get a corona or get coronavirus, but not die. So, but they're just inconvenienced for three weeks. Right. You have a fever, which isn't good.

Like they're, you can't wish for more people to have it because then it doesn't go away and it will keep on. Somebody eventually down that line will die probably. So. Do you see like the concerts and like the Hamptons of like the chain smokers where it's like a bunch of fucking people partying to like DJ sets and you're like, I obviously don't want all these people to get sick, but at the same time, I think it would be okay if some of these

idiots got sick. Yeah, they're not, they're not playing by the right rules. Yeah, it's really not fair, is it? They shouldn't deserve the same health that I have. I deserve to have a better health because I played by the rules. This is me sort of complaining at to Donald Trump had a debate. So basically when people are fine and they haven't followed the rules, then you're wearing your sneeze guard inside out over my eyes and

nothing else. All right, so I would say stand your ground. You're on the right side of history. And if they need any somebody to talk to them, tell them I'll do it. I hate, tell them I hate science, but I still believe in coronavirus. That'll get them on my side. Out of a hundred people, it's a real shame. I bet that people at that wedding, you're not going to be the only

person that won't wear a mask. Oh, fuck it. No, you might be. Half the country doesn't do it. One. Sorry. That's too bad. It's a shame.

What are you supposed to do? I don't know. I ostracize from your family for believing in science. We are so fortunate that we don't have to. I don't have anyone in my life that would tell me that I was being an asshole if I wore a mask like it's the opposite. What about it the other way around? Let's say you were getting together with some of your family members

and one of your brother or sister was like, oh, I'm not seeing any of you guys until Corona's over. So I'm just going to stay in my apartment and I won't see you guys. Would you be like, yeah, that's understandable. That makes sense. Would you be like, why are you being such a scaredy cat? It's no big deal. It's fine.

I think I feel like I would say both of those things. I'd be like, oh, you're such a baby, but I understand. So you wouldn't say you're a bitch. That's ruining my family dinner. No, I think that I definitely I respect anybody's like comfort level when it comes to coronavirus. As long as they're airing on the side of caution. Yeah, but I mean, I think that I'm airing on the side of caution,

but I'm sure that I do stuff that other people wouldn't do. Like I go outside. I ride my bike. I go on runs. I'm wearing a mask, but like there are people that are like, oh, you shouldn't even go to like a public park. You shouldn't like put your blanket down on the beach. Even if you're 12 feet away from people,

just like don't bother doing anything. Stay inside. Right. You're always... And I respect that, but that's not my level. Like my comfort level is just like a little bit beyond it. Right. To people that are taking it more seriously than you,

you're being very lax and irresponsible. And to people who are more irresponsible and lax than you, you're being overly cautious. Yeah. I think I'm pretty much in the middle, maybe on the cautious side of the middle. Yeah. And you're probably...

I think you're beyond... You're more cautious than I am. Yeah, I think so. Like you went to that rave. I would not do that. You went to... Right. You went to a dentist office to intern.

Well, I love the change in motion. And I love dentists. You entered at a plastic surgery center. Elective, yeah. Just to meet new friends. I would not do that. I would obviously not do that. All right.

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Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

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That's betterhelphelp.com slash if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the doctor. Mom, I'm coming. Gross.

I have some very local unsolicited advice. If you live in New York City and you're looking for something to do, I went to Governor's Island this weekend with my brother and I found it to be very lovely. Let's do something more broad. Yeah. Okay. You should research a local park that might be bigger. Yeah, broader.

Let's say no park stuff. None of that stuff. Let's just do something else. Something fresh. Something that I wouldn't expect. Okay. Something that will make you go, wow, I never heard of that. That's actually completely new to me.

And then we spend like 10 minutes and you explain it to me. Kind of interesting detail. And let's do Spanish. Let's do you speaking in Spanish. All right. Just to change things up. Not to put you on a spot or anything, but yeah, Spanish interesting. Absolutely putting me on this.

Fascinating. Fascinating out of the box. Yeah. Yeah. Yomegusta masturbating at 2 a.m. like set. Yo soy set an alarm for like. Your name? You said I am set alarm.

The dose in mañana. Yeah. Tomorrow. Para. Para fapping to be. Sorry. Yo. What are you trying to say?

Set an alarm at 2 a.m. I like to jerk off at 2 a.m. So I set an alarm at 1 30 so I can have a little midnight or late night masturbation session. But I like to go to bed early. So I go to, I hit the hay at 11 and I set my alarm. Yo soy set my alarm. I am set my alarm.

Donda is Dala masturbated too. And la biblioteca. Yabish. Abla is jerking off while the world sleeps. All right. Now what were you going to say? Governor's Island. Yeah.

Governor's Island was really nice. I went there with my brother. You take a ferry. It's like a five minute ferry from, from Wall Street, Manhattan. And it's, it's just this like weird little island park in New York City that gives you like crazy views of lower Manhattan and there's like good food and there's restaurants and drinks and little parks and picnics areas. And it's really cool.

I love that. Wow. Do people live there or is just, no. What I, what I sort of learned just like on the plaques there was that it, it was like an old naval base or a military base like from like the 1750s. And it was like, I think it's one of the longest active military bases because it lasted all the way up until like 1996. Wow.

So it's just like old military buildings and stuff there. But, but now they've turned the entire thing into a park. Holy shit. A military base from 1750. You got to think that nobody who actually used that is still alive today, right? Well, I mean, it was still being used in 1996, but yeah, the people that were I'm just saying at the beginning of it. Yeah.

Because they would be, I mean, they'd be like 300 years old, but like, Right. Yeah. And what's the record? That would be three times like, I think the record is like one, 200, 100, 120. No, just say 200. I'm saying, no.

I don't. I'm saying that's probably the record or close to it. Like there's no way somebody who fought in the Revolutionary War is still alive. Today is what I was saying. But yes, I agree. Are you saying that or are you asking that? I'm asking. I'm asking.

I'm saying, I'm saying it's probably true and it's definitely true if you think so. Right. I don't think so. You're so scared to be wrong. Why do you go out on the limb? Why do you like if you're so stupid, you should just not even talk. Don't you think? Don't you think it'd be safer to not even have an opinion?

Yeah. And I usually don't for that reason exactly, but I'm just worried that because of my occupation, oftentimes I'm forced to speak and I'm like, what if I'm speaking out of my depth? Because of your occupation where you have to talk into a microphone at least once a week for podcasts, you're worried that you'll go out of your depth. Yes. That makes sense. Right.

I'm like wondering, hmm, and it makes me sad. Yeah, it should. Because what if I'm dumb? You are dumb. You just thought that maybe somebody was served on a military base in 1750 and is still alive to talk about it. Whenever I watch a movie, I don't know if it's real. Yeah. You think everything's a documentary?

I think it's either real or Terry Potter and I don't think there's anything in between. Yeah, you're stupid and also, by the way, your voice is a little bad. It feels like... In a way, I have a bad job to have because I'm forced to record myself thinking and talking a lot and I have a stupid voice and I have a dumb head. I should be literally anything else, something remedial like cleaning a dish. You would think that, but I've seen the way you clean dishes as well. I'm not good at anything.

One time, somebody asked me to do something like a dirty work thing and I ended up punching them in the throat and I got arrested for it. Yeah, so you're angry. That's not even dumb. Yeah, I'm sour. You're a nuisance. You're a bad guy, you're a dumb guy and you have a bad voice and you shouldn't be... I shouldn't be a podcaster, but I also shouldn't be anything else.

No, I was going to say you shouldn't exist. You should vanish. Jesus. Oh my God, you really think so. I'm sorry, man. I was just kidding. I'm kidding. Yeah, I think you're awesome. I was doing a bit. I'm sorry.

I was doing a bit too. See, you're actually upset. My jaws wired shut for that. Shit. All right. Off we go. Or I should say, on we go. It kind of means the same thing.

If you think about it, off we go, on we go. I don't know what happened at episode 500 that made you the worst co-host. I decided to do 180. As in 180 days ago, I changed my personality for the worse. The next 500 episodes are me hosting with my new host, Troy. Hey guys, no, that's me. I'm Troy. How do you do? I'm a bad, dumb, angry and weird.

Do you go to Governor's Island or the equivalent in your city of an undeveloped or not undeveloped, unappreciated? Underappreciated, yeah, underappreciated park. That not a lot of people know about. Yeah, find a park. Yeah, and name it after yourself, ideally. That's right. Name it after Troy. For Troy on.

This person wants to hook his roommate up with a tinder fling. Wow. Oh, okay. How about we call him Charlie? Because that's like a good dude name, but it's still like a bro-y name. So it's like Charlie, but he's still like nice. That's super accurate. I know a Charlie just like that.

And my parents' dog's name Charlie, actually, so. And Charlie's kind of a bro. My parents' little Westie. Yeah. He plays lax. Yeah. Yeah. That's right.

A recent college grad has been swiping right and I met a pretty gal a month ago. Even amid COVID, we hit it off. We've hung out a bunch of times and I hooked up and hooked up a couple of times now. But every time I see her, I can't help but think she'd be perfect for my roommate, who is one of my best friends. They share the same love of tattoos. They have a favorite TV show and genre of rock music, none of which apply to myself. I've been casually mentioned how much she reminded me of him during our first date, but not so directly that she'd remember.

I honestly wouldn't have a hard time telling my roommate about setting him up, but how the heckles do I bring it up to the girl that I met on Tinder? We've never discussed labels or anything, but she seems into me and I heard, but I still want to purl off this crazy, stacky situation. Any advice? Interesting. It is interesting. I don't think you can do that.

I don't think it's... Well, you can tell your roommate, it seems weird to be like... I don't think you tell the girl that and she's like, oh, dope, yeah, I should meet your roommate. She would be like, you're weird and I don't want to have anything to do with you. Or your roommate by association. So the best intentions are wasted here. Did I tell you that Marty kind of did this to me once?

Oh yeah, I vaguely remember that. He didn't actually meet and hook up with the person though, so it's a little less fraught. It was more like, as soon as they matched, he's like, oh, this lady seems up your alley, not so much mine. So then we ended up going out a little bit. Oh, wait, do I remember this person? Probably not. But it was a little easier because he had not met and hooked up with this person.

Now that that's happened. I think all you can do is... Oh, go ahead. What if you break it off? You're like, this isn't working out. And then you let like a few weeks months pass and it's like, by the way, I know things didn't work out with us, but would you be interested in dating my roommate?

Then it's like, she's a little less over you, or a little more over you, a little less into you, and it's more easy to suggest perhaps you should go out with my roommate because now it's like better than nothing versus instead of me, him. I feel like that's just so much effort just to introduce this person to your roommate. Couldn't you also do it by being like, I'm not looking for anything right now, or I don't think this is a good fit. Just be friends.

No roommate mention. Just say, I think we're better as friends. And then if that is your actual goal, you know, you can hang out with her as friends. Your roommate's there. Maybe they hit it off like you thought, but I don't think that you can be the matchmaker. Even after the breakup, if he doesn't want to be with her anymore?

I think I'm even less likely to trust somebody. If I like somebody, they break up with me. Two months later, they come back and they're like, you should meet my roommate. I would be like, no, I don't want to do that. That's weird. Interesting. Shit.

What if he says, I'll go out with you. Basically, let's go on our fifth date and the roommate shows up. And he's like, Charlie, something awful happened to Charlie. What happened? He fucking slit his throat. It's so awful. No. And then they have this fucking insanely intense night of like,

mourning you. Yeah. And then the next day, it's like, you want to know something random? Charlie's like, low-key fine. How fucking insane is that? And then she's like, what are you talking about? We just spent 12 hours of all night mourning his loss.

Yeah. And now it is the morning. And he's low-key didn't slit his throat. He's low-key actually like alive right now. It's so bad. He's low-key right over there getting a breakfast burrito. Charlie. Charlie.

Do you remember? Yeah. Do you remember Ariana? Yeah, Charlie. So she's walking away. Yeah, that's right. The two options. I would say if you're not interested in being with her,

I think you can drift away from her and then suggest it later. You're saying it's not bloody likely. I think that's playing it too long. I think it's not bloody likely. But I think you can say, let's just be friends. Let's hang out as a group in a group that includes my roommate and it might work out. But that's as good as you can do.

It's as good as it gets. This happened to me once too, actually. What happened? But like somebody that I had dated and then stopped dating, hit me up and asked me to meet with like a friend of hers or like a roommate. Like tried to set me up with somebody. And I didn't do it because I thought it was weird.

Oh really? Even though you weren't going to be able to be with the one lady, you didn't want to. Yeah. Like that ended and then she came back into my life and was like, you should like go out with my roommate or my friend or something like that. And I was like, no.

But I think I didn't say no. I think I was like, cool. And then it never happened. Right. But if the friend was actually cool and attractive to you, you probably would have done it, right? Maybe. I mean, I didn't even like, I wasn't even interested

in finding out if they were cool or attractive. I like said cool and then faded away or something. Like I think that that's just a strange entry point into a relationship. But I don't know, kids are young. So maybe that's all the rage these days. Maybe that's cool now. What do I know?

I dab. Break your wrist. Whoa. You got your eyebrow re-pierced. That's really cool, dude. I didn't notice that. I have a snoopy tattoo. Holy shit.

It's Calvin pissing on himself. That's so interesting. Calvin's pissing into his own mouth here. Yeah. Did you ever get your tattoo fully removed? It's kind of faded. It's mostly removed. I never, I like, I got like the eight procedures

of getting it lasered and then that place shut down. And then there was another place that I went to and I like paid for a certain amount and it still like didn't get it fully removed. And then they were like, you can, I think you need like five more sessions and I was like, that's, this is good enough. Let's see it.

Let me see how faded it is. You won't be able to see it. Oh wow, it's that faded. I mean, I can't see that at all. Look at that. That's pretty much gone. And the other one is also gone, the word. Yeah, the word is totally gone.

That one's not there at all. Doesn't that mean you have to get it re-tattooed because it was like a family tattoo that you had removed? That's right. Yeah. And I, as soon as tattoo places open again, I think I'm going to get it. Wow.

What are you going to get? I know where I want to get it. Forehead? I want to get it. Yeah. I want to get it on my forehead. Backwards or forwards? That's a good idea.

That's a good thought. I think backwards and forwards. So I can look in the mirror and see it and also just have people. You got to have it both ways. I don't think so. Where are you going to actually get it? On the back of my arm, back of my left arm, back of my bicep, near my tricep.

Do any of your family members have it there? That's where my brother has his. Oh, so you're like, I'll just have it. And my dad also has his on his arm. Yeah. That's cool. I might do that too then. Would you get the same word as me?

Or yeah, or the same root. Yeah, whatever word. Or I can add, because it's like a sentence, right? Every one in your family has a word from the sentence. Yeah, that's right. So I feel like, and there's eight, there's eight words in the sentence. Although there could be maybe like, and at the end of it, or like, oh, what about if I get nevermind?

So it undermines, it undercuts the sentence. So it's like, do you mind me saying the sentence? Or is it like a secret? It is always every summer in this house or something like that? Yeah, that's what it is. It is always every summer. And then I'll get one that's a dot, dot, dot. Not really though.

So you have an even a word. It's just undercutting our family's tech. It's the sentimental line from the poem that the whole family. Yeah. That it means so much to the family. Mine would say like, this poem is kind of broke, actually. Like it would be like a little critique about the poem. But it wouldn't even, like, I guess sure you could get that

because you never hang out with any of us. That'd be interesting. Well, I would pay, I would pay your family, I would pay everyone in your family to get it removed. Everyone would have a price, right? At a certain point. Like you would do it for 80 grand. So yeah.

So then everyone in the family gets it removed for a price. Yeah. We bleed you dry. We, we pool the money. We buy a family house or something that doesn't, you know, that we can cherish. And we don't really need the poem because we have, we were able to use you for our benefit.

And you would still have a, you would have a tattoo that said, this poem's kind of broken, right? And that wouldn't make any sense cause you would see people and they'd be like, what poem are you talking about? And then you'd be like, oh, it's this poem that I actually paid a family to have tattooed and removed from them. And people, and, and they went and bought a house with the cash from that.

Right. And now, right? So, so I have it, right? Well, I'm just thinking out loud that maybe both parts of that plan don't have to coexist. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think they do. What if I gave your dad a million dollars to tattoo a shit

stain where his mustache is? You'd probably do it. You'd probably do it. New plan then. You'd have to do it. I think I'll be doing that. And I think I'll take out a loan. You're, you're like, you're an anti philanthropist.

You want to give your money away, but, but for a price. And for a vice. All right. That's it. That's our time. Thanks for listening. We'll be back, of course, as always next week. If you have your own questions or theme songs, write them.

Oh, yeah. If I were you show. That's if I were you show at gmail.com. The opening theme song was your boy Ragnar. That's right. And his closing one is a newfound glory cover. Oh, love that. I love that for me.

Lauren Mintz from Toronto, Canada, who has a YouTube channel called mystic falcon dope name. Very dope name with about two dozen. He has a two dozen video game parody songs on it. So check that out. So thanks to Lauren Mintz and his YouTube channel mystic falcon. Thanks to Ragnar. Thanks to you guys for listening for more of us.

So you can listen to the head gum podcast on the head gum network. We're doing one of those every week. And then we also our patreon is still up and running over a hundred. Jake and Amir watch. Jake and Amir is on there now over a hundred. That means we're an eighth of the way through. So, oh, my God, plenty of content to come. Almost too much.

If you ask me almost too much. And of course, we'll be back right here right now, but next week. Right. Bye. I know. That was a head gum podcast.