If I Were You - 453: Telling Time (w/Finn Wolfhard and Billy Bryk!)

Episode Date: September 21, 2020

Friends, actors, and Headgum's newest podcasters join us to discuss caricatures, hot dogs, and their show LACKLUSTER VIDEO.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Our finally moving west are losing her to someone with a slightly heavier chest. I won the golden mic today. There's nothing you can say. That's one for Ben, one for me, and five hundred for Jake. Don't waste your time trying to figure it out. Just email these two Jews. Don't waste your time trying to figure it out. Just email these two Jews. If I were you. Wow, so good.

Is there a second verse? A second verse. The hell? Was that six minutes? Was that all? I couldn't listen to it forever. I don't know, it feels longer. They reunited just for that.

That was Tom, dude. Tom is back. Yeah, they made up. That was cool. We brought Blink back, guys. We brought them back. What do I say? Congratulations, Blink, you're back.

It actually wasn't them. It was a 19-year-old musician and Ann Arbor named Seth Dyer. Seth Dyer in Marcopus and Travis Barker? That's not Blink at all. It was pretty good, two out of three. Tom's not really... There's a chasm there. Tom's not coming back.

The new Blink lineup is this fucking guy and Matt Skiba. Matt Skiba, this fucking guy. And still Travis. Travis is still down to do drums, which is good. Travis Barker in Lil Wayne. It wasn't them. Sorry. It wasn't them.

It was an airwhip? No, it's not. So then Tom is there. He was a 19-year-old musician currently living in Ann Arbor. He has an Instagram that's public now. Dyer Consequences. How does he know?

I'm sorry, you're going to say that Tom DeLong, who's a guy who's made music for years, and just because he's going to hunt aliens, doesn't mean that he doesn't play guitar in a spare time. So you don't think that this is maybe a demo? I don't think this is a demo. I think this is a fucking fan. I think this is like an alias

or like it's like a fake name. Or if it's the real guy that he knows DeLong because DeLong was maybe playing his custom strat during that time. Jake? Jake, I was going to say the same thing. Why? There's no fucking way you would have said that.

That's such a weird thing for Jake to say, let alone you were going to say that same thing. Can you even remember what he said? What were you going to say? See, you can't. No, he said something cool. It was like Mark Hoppus. Mark Hoppus.

Soul Shakedown Studios in San Diego run by this guy's friend, Jacob, who's really taking off. In San Diego? That's where Blink formed. That is where they fucking are. It didn't even sound like Tom. Well, his voice has changed over the years.

Yeah, his voice has changed over the years. Where are you? For that long and not have some type of Whoa, Billy, are you fucking? He's not, you know him. It's like, it's invasion of the body snatchers, but it's Tom DeLong. It's Tom DeLong.

He's the porn person. Oh my God, Finn and Billy, welcome to the show. Wow, wow, wow. Thank you for having us. Thank you, bravo. To music critics slash comedian actors. And now Head Gum Podcasters. Head Gum's newest podcasters.

Yes, that's right. Head Gum's newest roster. Mm-hmm, newest roster. Billy Brick, Finn Wolfhard. So what's the deal with your podcast, lackluster video? Give me the elevator pitch. Well, Billy and I

are two film fans. We pick a movie each week to talk about. And then at the very end we play a game where Billy gets a randomly generated movie title and two randomly generated actors and we have to pitch that movie. So it's kind of slice of life

podcast where we talk about the movies you like, we talk about stuff in our own lives, then we play a fun little improv game at the end of the title. How do you randomly generate the title? Yeah. There's a book, it's called Book Title Generator and I guess it's just for people that can't come up with a title for their

book, which I feel like is pretty kind of a red flag for the rest of the book if you can't even get a title. That's the shortest thing you have to write is the title. There's one that's like, I've written the book already or there's an option that says I haven't started writing yet. And it's like, maybe do something else

then, do some research or think about it or something before you. Maybe start writing. So I just went to it and I got the title The Buried Window. That's actually perfect for the memoir I wrote. Yeah. I actually wrote the next great American novel I was stuck on the title, but like

everything else is pitched perfect. God, thank you so much. What's it about? What's that? What is it about? It's about a fucking bat. Huh? It's about a bat. It's not about a bat, but it's about a bat in it. You said it was about

it. Alright, so it's about a bat. It's called The Buried Window. It's called The Buried Window. Yeah, how does that... It's about... I feel like I'm putting... It seems like it's about Barry Bonds. It's about Barry Bonds. Why don't you just say, yeah, okay, okay. So that's what you meant by a bat being in it?

Like his baseball bat? It's about Bernie Madoff. So Barry Bonds, The Buried Window, which actually makes sense because he ends up smashing a window at Bernie Madoff's house because did Madoff kill himself in jail? I should have looked this up before I wrote it. That's the wrong guy. Wrong guy?

Yeah. Okay. Alright. Yeah, so with some tweaks, it's basically about this all-star... With some tweaks? Yeah, he basically... What the fuck was it like before that? To pivot this book, like as you're pitching it to us, you're re...

It's not done. You have to go back to the drawing board because you clearly... I'll change... You had Madoff killing himself in jail. And this was the next great American memoir, is how you said it. And then you got mad that we asked what did you mean by that? What is it about? Yeah, because I feel like I'm being put on the spot.

If I was setting up a pitch for like Penguin or Random House, I would have been more prepared. Well, that was... That's the other thing about when we randomly generate actors. It's always people that are either cancelled or dead. Like always. It's so rare you get two people that are alive

and you're not cancelled. Every podcast you hear Billy go, and I can't say that. And then he has to do it again. So what list is this? Where are you guys finding this? That's just a random randomcelebrity.com There's a website called randomcelebrity.com. Yeah, there's a random everything.com.

Yeah, I'm on it. I'm on it. That's my domain, baby. Have you ever? One day. No, no. I don't think I'm up there yet. I don't think you're cancelled enough or dead enough for them to put you on there.

You're definitely dead enough. This is why I'm on this podcast. To get there. Yeah, Amir has been editing our podcast. It's good. It's humbling, but it's necessary and it feels... I mean, I don't appreciate the tone in some

of your notes emails, but it's been fun to sort of go back to the drawing board. It's necessary? This is what we're talking about in the email. This smug attitude. And that's necessary to fucking talk about. Sorry about that. I meant that it's been fun to hear from you guys.

And then I don't necessarily need to hear from your lawyers. This is why we haven't asked you on the podcast yet because sometimes this kind of stuff like business and friends ruin it. And so we had Amir on and it was just a good night, Amir.

It was a fun episode when I was on it. No, to have you on would be a loss. I don't want anything to happen to our relationship. It's too important to me at the same time. Same. Too late, Amir. That's a bridge too far gone. Yeah.

We did promise you at Head Gum that you guys would have your own intern. If Amir's not working out, you guys can just let us know. I'm working out. I'm working out. Yesterday, Finn called me at three in the morning for a new episode just based on his little he was sort of laughing while he gave me demands. Yeah. And then he

fell asleep and then I called him again and I told him to work out. So he got on the floor started doing push-ups until he started crying. I passed out. Eventually he passed out. I fainted for you. Finn, I fainted for you. Was that not good enough, sir? I did faint for you. How long were you unconscious?

How long were you unconscious? Like I said, I don't know. I was passed out. But by the time I came Billy's nodding along and curious in a way that makes me think that he told Finn to call you. Yeah, I'm not. The sun was up. Yeah.

Billy's the mastermind behind this all. The sun was up the morning after you had passed out? No, it was that night. Why am I fucking... I already did this. So you passed out for one night and all of a sudden that you think you're like some type of martyr? No, I didn't say that. Actually, that reminds me of a book that I'm writing called The Martyr.

It's about Marty McFly killing himself in order to save an entire region of Libya because it's like sort of back to the future Foreign Away, which is a sequel prequel because it takes place in the 1700s instead of the 2000s. It's okay. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. It's a sequel

prequel where Marty McFly kills himself. Yeah, Martyr McFly. And is this Michael J. Fox as well? No, it's Matthew Fox. Holy shit. Matthew Fox? From lost?

No, Matthew McFox. Marty McFly's cousin. Matthew McFox. He was sort of named after. Played by who? Played by Scott Wolf. Why are you fucking... Written by Dick Wolf. By the way, don't get

fucking defensive when we ask you these questions. This is insane. Dick Wolf wrote it for Scott. No, we don't. Matthew McFox was named after Matt Fox because he was born the day Matthew Fox was born. Written by Dick Wolf. Story by Dick Cheney. Based

on a novel by Two Chains. Formally known as Titty Boy. You get it. Anyway, I'll send it to you guys. It's a PDF right now on my phone. Holy shit. The movie is a PDF? It's gone. Good. I mean good.

Probably because you saved a video file as a PDF. That's probably what happened. Mark Zuckerberg probably freaking... Have you guys seen the social dilemma yet? Have you fucking seen it? I watched it last night. I watched it last night. Is it everything I'm hearing it is? And I can't stop hearing it is?

I think I know about it already. It's what you think. It's pretty weird of social media. This morning I woke up to to get like there was a stove being delivered to my place so I had to be up really early and I sent Finn like 14 minutes

of a video of me talking about the social dilemma. But you haven't seen it yet. I haven't seen it. But it was like how necessary it is for him to watch it. And then and then yeah, fell back asleep, woke up about 25 minutes ago, got a slice and then now we're doing this. What about the

stove? What happened to the stove? Fuck if I know dude. What stove? Also your apartment didn't come with a stove? That's like such a built-in amenity. Well it's not technically like it's not like a livable apartment yet. We're like working on it.

It's a bit of a fixer-upper. So where do you use the bathroom? Where do you shit and piss? Well it depends. Like tomorrow morning I'm waiting for the guy to come in and install a urinal for me to shit and piss in. So it depends? It doesn't depend.

I'm waiting for the bidet guy to come in. A urinal and a bidet are the only two you need. Where do you shit and piss now? Well I haven't shit and pissed in it. I've only been here for two weeks but I've been kind of holding it in. What? And there's a Starbucks across the street but I've been too nervous to go in there because like we're in a pandemic.

So like only the necessities right? Yeah you're probably suffocating yourself. Shitting is a necessity. You're drowning yourself in shit and piss I assume. Do you have the website loaded? Because let's answer some questions. This is if I were you

after all the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and Jake and Finn and Billy really. We got a question from a lady. So we're going to give her a fake name to preserve her anonymity unless you guys want to come up with one. We can hit that celebrity name generator.

Oh you want to do a celebrity name generator. Finn do you want to or okay I'll give you the option to come up with one Finn. Okay actually you know what Billy give Finn a celebrity and Finn you come up with the name of their assistant and that's the name of the guy. Julia Roberts.

Rub Tub Tubber. Julia Roberts assistant. Rub Tub Tubber. Right. My boyfriend has a caricature of himself and his ex-girlfriend on the wall in his hallway. It's an absurd photo

sorry portrait of her riding horseback style on his back as he is a senator playing the trumpet in the drawing of course and I hate it. It makes me feel vulnerable to have a reminder of his ex hanging up there.

He says it's just a cartoon and offered to take it down but never has. Am I a psychopath if this is still bothering me? Do I push it or chill out? How do I even bring it up again? I live with him so it's difficult to out of sight out of mind this one. Thanks in advance for your advice.

Long time fan sincerely Rub Tub Tubber Julia Roberts assistant. Yes. Come in the office of Miss Roberts. Break it off. Really fall over. Instant break up with him.

I'm sorry this guy sounds fucking insane. First of all Sorry honey I'm not a centaur in real life either. She's my ex, relax. It's a cartoon. I don't even play the trumpet. It's just a cartoon that someone used to love me drew of me. Yeah fuck this

guy. Also it's a caricature of himself hanging up with an ex girlfriend in his own house making her feel uncomfortable. We went to Rome and I popped the cue and then we got it fucking drawn of us

like in celebration but dude it's fine I'm over her. She said no. End of story slash discussion slash relationship. He's crying in the caricature. Why did we commission it after she said no? I want it to lighten the mood

dude. I think if you live there you have a case to take it down. This is your place too. This is part of the interior deck of decisions you should make as a couple. Yeah he says I live with him so it's difficult to out of sight out of mind this one. This just feels

like some weird power play like power move like you see this this is my old girlfriend like this it just feels weird. Right so what you could do is commission something where you are a mermaid and

your ex is a merman and you're blowing his fish dick in that's opposite. You hang that up and you're like as long as we're cool with this type of like hentai fan fuck art. And or eating out mermaid vagina.

Oh two merfolk 69ing and it's you and your ex and that's that'll go in the bathroom or the dining room. If you have a yeah maybe above like a buffet would be nice. Maybe a merman merman to merman 96ing

yeah but to back to back 96ing 96ing at an underwater McDonald's. Why is that? It just says cactus jack sent me. What? That's cool. No it's not. At the underwater at the McDonald's

you can have like submarines and drive through I just think that'd be like quirky and kind of fun. Yeah that's just a little aside that's just a little joke. I mean I don't just, Jake and I have before I take a stance on this you guys does anybody have a caricature of them in their own house before I

I don't have more. You had more? Oh from your bar mitzvah? But that's just hilarious. I'm like looking around this room to make sure I don't but of course I don't. Of course I don't have one. Shit. Yeah that'd be insane Oh shit.

My caricature is in frame. Because what the fuck? I don't know. You're an adult I would assume and like don't have a caricature on the wall. 13 living with his girlfriend. Yeah.

It would be different if it was a funny caricature that he had of himself but it's the fact that it's with his ex-girlfriend presumably you're not friends with her anymore right? Is it worse or better if they're friends? I feel like it's worse that they're friends. If they're friends and he still has the picture of her

hanging out? If the couple's friends with her you know what I mean there could be a world in which they were really really close and then they broke up but they've remained friends and then the

new girlfriend also is friends with her it's like a past kind of like oh we used to date but now we're all friends but I don't think that's the case. I think that this guy just has a fucking caricature of him on us as a centaur with her writing on his back. This is the math equation that has to go on.

This is a big deal to you and not a big deal to him because he said it's only a cartoon I'll take it down. End of discussion you just remind him tell him to take it down big deal to you small deal to him it's over or he's keeping it up because it's also a big deal to him which should make it a bigger deal for you

than like no matter what this thing has to come to a head. Also the thing is you can get a new caricature drawn of both of them. If he needs a fucking caricature of him like he could just get a new one they're not that expensive

to get done. I could take it down if you want to and he just never does. Did he offer to take it down? He offered to take it. He just said he'd take it down. He offered to take it down but didn't. I'll take it down.

I think you definitely are well within your right to just say dude just yeah take it down what do you yeah because if it bothers you that much you should understand that and if he doesn't fuck him you can find anybody with a horse's body and a human horse.

You can find another centaur. That was not the artistic liberty of the artist he's actually a centaur. There's like a million centaurs out there. There's like okay fucking Amir, Jesus like really short sign. Are you body-shaming centaurs?

No I'm not body-shaming centaurs. Oh I just refreshed the slavery generator Amir's on here. That's weird. I'm cancelled. What a fart. This is what never happened to me before you guys came on. Now you fucking watch your words man you can't say fuck anymore.

Alright let's take a break. Let's thank some sponsors and we'll answer some more questions after these messages. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode but the entire

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these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into

my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh that's cool. So you take a photo of anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma

was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah kind of like she misheard

it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah.

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And we're back. Finn or Billy, do you guys have any? Oh, it's a lift! Mom, I'm coming! Gross. Sorry about that. Nice. Yeah, I did

until I heard that. Well, yeah, you sort of ignore the that part's like Jake said it once. I didn't say that. One of us said it. You. Sounded like Tom DeLong. But I'm not sure. I'm coming!

Mom, I'm here! Yeah, I have like a life hack. Hot dogs for breakfast. Tell me less. I figure I don't even need to explain myself. But here it goes anyway. That's not advice.

It's not a life hack. In what sense? I'll tell you, when I was in school in my schooling days, I would show up for lectures often times late because I would sleep in and they were in the morning and then I'd be really hungry and we'd have like a five minute break and there was a street dog

stand right outside my university and I would go get a hot dog and I realized that it's like a portable breakfast food. You got pretty much toast, sausage some onions and pickles and then, I mean, I'm a mustard man but if you wanted to put ketchup on it, that's not

like a bad thing to do. We're not worried about the condiments part of it. What time of day was it? 9.30 a.m. 9.30 a.m. Yeah, you'd think that a hot dog is like a lunch food or like maybe like a quick dinner

but I just think... poops, it doesn't. Is a hot dog... I don't think a hot dog is a meal at all I think a hot dog is a snack. But what is... Who eats a breakfast meal on the weekdays? Like if you have to yet to run

it's like a portable snack It's like... Yeah, but I would rather a hot dog. It's hot? They make it for me there. I'm supporting local businesses. Sure, it's in the name, right? A logo... Yeah, especially in a fucking pandemic.

I would rather a hot dog is a slogan for a hot dog brand. Yeah, I don't know what the hot dog stand situation is as far as the pandemic goes. But I mean, that's just... I just ordered a hot dog on Uber Eats. That's the grossest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. A hot dog for lunch?

That's a breakfast food. You fucking swine. You absolute swine. You order it for fuck... for lunch? I don't even think about hot dogs. Where do you order one? Like what's the restaurant that... I'm ordering from a place called Jaffa Dog, which

if you ever come to Vancouver's a very great tourist kind of amazing place. It's like like a Japanese fusion hot dogs. I went there and I ate a hot dog there. How was it Japanese about it?

It was incredible. It was very good. And what time of day was it? What time of day? It was a dinner. So much later than breakfast. But you know, you have breakfast for dinner. Breakfast for dinner is a thing, guys. So I did a little breakfast for dinner action

at a hot dog. What's Japanese about the hot dog there? What are they doing that's Japanese about it? Is it a cucumber roll? Is it an open-faced cucumber roll? No, they put like Japanese ingredients

and yeah, they put ketchup on it. No, they put and yeah, they put stuff on it sometimes and seaweed. And it's sushi. It's also sushi. What do you get on the side of a Jaffa Dog? Some fries in a Saturday morning cartoon.

You're eating full fucking baseball stadium fare at 8 in the morning. Billy's in the lecture with a footlong a footlong hot dog. A footlong Nathan's hot dog dipped in a honey mustard with nachos on the side.

And a foam finger. When you wake up. And don't get me wrong the foam finger is fucking delicious too but you don't hear me writing about it. And for lunchtime I'll eat frozen yogurt out of a plastic hat. That's my diet, like a baseball game.

Fin, can you beat that life hack? A hot dog for breakfast? Are we doing life hacks now? I didn't know that that was a hack. I didn't know that was a hack. Yeah, any advice really. Yeah, I didn't know that was a life hack either. It's just an idea for breakfast.

Billy started doing this and it's something I'm kind of still support local businesses as much as possible because I remember Billy and I were at we were at a supermarket when we were shooting in, or a safeway. Yeah, a safeway in Calgary. I wanted to go to the

self-checkout and Billy looked at me like I had actually murdered someone and he was like, what? Why? And I was like, because? And he was like, you got to support real people or else the robots are going to take over and they're going to take over for the real people.

At this point Billy was fucking slamming down wet hot dogs Kobayashi style. It was 1145 and all bets were off. Dunking buns in water and shoving them into his cheeks. Yeah, don't use self-checkout. That's the better advice.

Yeah, don't freaking let the robots replace people. Use real cashiers. There's so many jobs that will be lost when that just becomes normal. We got a question from a dude who's actually traveling from Pittsburgh to Georgia. So

Billy, do you have a fake guy's name? Dune Inbox Alright, you're clearly just in your Gmail or something? I thought you were going to say Dune Tenet. He's looking at his tabs. Dune T. Inbox. The middle name

is Tenet. Dune Tenet writes, I just moved to Savannah from Pittsburgh with my girlfriend because she's going to the Savannah College of Arts and Design. It was crazy to move during this time and a lot was in my head, but driving through other states with different levels of COVID restriction

was super stressful. I was wondering if you guys had any advice on what to do in a new place that I feel like I cannot even explore yet because there's a global frigging pandemic going on. I have mostly been to larger corporate places for groceries and of a company-wide restriction and I can't even check

out any cool local businesses yet wink wink because everyone is a little more relaxed with the restrictions here. Also suggestions for any suggestions for anyone to check out after things improve. Would it be cherry? Thanks, dudes. Has anybody been

to Savannah here? Savannah-una-na. Nice. That's Habana. What? The hips don't lie and I'm going to Savannah time. Different song. That was a weird muppet of the hips don't lie, I think.

What? It's Rihanna. Number one, order a stove. They're pretty clutch. They probably already had a stove. Yeah, they have that. And a urinal.

Because if you need to shit, you need to have a urinal in your place. I shoot Stranger Things in Atlanta, Georgia. But I've never been- Atlanta-una-na. Nice. My hips don't lie and I'm going to Atlanta now.

Sorry, one second. What are you saying, Finn? Sorry about that. I'm going through it. This is you stepping off the airplane. It doesn't look like I dance like this. Sir, you somehow clogged the airport toilet.

I've never been to Savannah before, but I know there's a ton of beaches around there. I know there might be places to- That's good. There might be places to go where there's not a lot of people. Or, you know- Moving to Savannah

Gonna visit a lot of beaches Sweet home Sweet home the Savannah Alabama Just like go to a baseball game or something. Even if it's Little League

I'd say- Go to like a carnival run a kissing booth. The beach was good. I don't know how Billy derailed it. We're talking about Frenching a 12 year old that you don't know. Six flags over Georgia.

You gotta go there. It's a fucking blast. Do not go. They serve funnel cake. A lot of people kind of talk really loud and spit when they talk. What about like fucking Chicago? Just like-

Just drive there. Just talk about shit to do. Drive to Dallas. It's a different city. And if you're down to really travel if you're down to really go somewhere I was just gonna say the London Eye that like big fucking Ferris wheel

in England. I think the advice I would give is if you're in Savannah drive to Houston. That's cool. Yeah, Houston. I hear the beaches are beautiful in Santa Teresa, Costa Rica this time of year.

People in might be crab season. What the fuck are you talking about? There's beaches there. That was great. Go to the beach. Outdoor. I hear beaches are very COVID safe because outdoors it's breezy. It's hard to get safe. Orica. What's my name? What's Orica? Where'd you get that?

Where'd you get that? Costa Rica. What about Dakota? What's my name? Because you could go to South Dakota. It's not super nice, but it's not that hard to drive like the 28 hours to get to South Dakota. You guys are getting further and further away. Beaches was perfect

and then we got to like... I just spent like a lot of time kind of the same thing. I was away from home filming a TV show and they like I didn't want to fucking cancel the whole show by getting COVID so I was just like very cautious of where I could go. Buy a

PlayStation. Oh, nah, nah. Or else, yeah. So don't fucking visit. I didn't go anywhere pretty much. There was a nice, I would walk every day just to get some fresh air, but I just stay inside. How long is he there for?

You said like it's a four year program? Yeah. So you're probably as good to wait it out I'd say. Yeah. Vaccine will come around during graduation. Yeah, graduation and then you're good. Yeah, sorry, Finn. I think you may have muted yourself. Which I think was a good thing

because you clearly sung a song. You sang a song. You picked up a PlayStation remote. It sounded singing. Can I just take a guess that it was PlayStation or something like that? Hello. Alright, last question. This one's a doozy. We need

a ladies name. Maybe first name Finn, last name Billy. Let's see what you guys come up with. Tag team it. Go over. Stravels. That's beautiful. You said that too

proud Billy. Cool. You were too happy with yourself. Travelles. I'm 25 and I don't know how to tell time. I understand how clocks work, but I have to

look at it for like a minute to figure out exactly what it is. Whenever I ask someone the time, they point Sorry, you don't understand how clocks work if you take a full minute. She goes, I know how clocks work. You don't. Just take the opposite of what she said.

Whenever I ask someone the time and they point at the analog clock, I can't actually take the time I need to read it because I'll worry they'll realize my secret. Growing up, I thought it would just click someday and I could glance at a clock and know the time, but at this point I'm an adult with two degrees that clearly

taught me nothing useful about this problem and it definitely hasn't clicked. So what do I do? Do I google time-telling quizzes designed for eight-year-olds so I can practice reading clocks faster? Or do I just make sure I'm always near a digital clock or can access my phone clocks surreptitiously

when needed? Thanks. Love. Gulliver's. Travelles. Number one, the quiz for eight-year-olds would be a start. That would be... That's step one, I would imagine, before even... You know, I'd easily say step one.

You have had that thought to the point where you wrote it out in this email. Step... Definitely take those. Step two, watch Christopher Nolan's movies. Why? They're a doozy and listen, you will understand time by the end of them. You will understand time. I think you're starting from... That's

on like step 10. Yeah, that seems like an advantage. No, it's like if you watch the Simpsons in French, you kind of become fluent. I guess. The tenet will teach you how to read a clock. Duh. What's that? Duh. What's that? Oh, honey.

Got it. French Homer. Oh, honey. It's really good, actually. Lou Garteau. Doom Millhouse. So, definitely... Yeah, you should learn how to tell the time, right? You're an adult.

You know, I'm not judging, but you don't know how clocks work, obviously. Don't ask people what time it is. If you don't know how to tell the time, don't be near an analog clock and ask what time it is. Just check your phone or just get a digital watch clock or learn how to tell the time.

Like, I don't know... What degrees? She has a doctor and she also studied clocks. Metaphysics, mathematics, dual degree and then she's a watch clock maker. Yeah. Jesus. So, she's a clock maker. She doesn't know how to tell time.

A tinkerer. Yes. A tinkerer, if you will. I mean, that's... Well, I mean, I guess the first thing... I got to tell the time. Shakira, Shakira. Tell the time. I think you can do it.

You've gotten two degrees. You can do... You can learn... You seem capable of doing so. Here's a little trick. It's not easy to get two degrees. I would say just sit down and try and do it and the more you put it off, the worse it's going to be for you.

Here's a little trick. Ignore the big hand. Like, that's where people get tripped up. Like, it's on three. Is that times five? Fifty? No. Just look at the small little nub and then, like, it'll point to the closest hour it is.

So, like, take everything else away. I would say, yeah. Look at the small guy and hope to God it's close to an hour. Look at the big picture, right? Numbers. Yeah. Heather, what do you get? The time. Exactly.

That shocked you. It just clicked. It just clicked for me. Or should I say ticked? Nice. I can read a sundial, but once the hands get into the equation, I'm absolutely useless. I'm kind of the opposite.

I'm super quick with clocks, but then when I look at... I'd see it says, like, one and then, like, the snake one and then, colon and then it turns to, like, the two circles and I'm like, what? What is the snake one? It goes like that, basically. Oh. Yeah.

Eight and eight. And eight is not as... Do you think that looks like a snake? Yeah, it looks like... What's it called when there's two oranges next to each other but on top? Eight. I feel like we're saying the same thing. I feel like we're not because you said two oranges stacked on top of each other and we said eight.

Yeah, yeah. Between the left and the right numbers, there's those two little dots. A colon? Okay. By the way, you said colon. You said colon and now you're talking... Yeah, you know what that is. I'm getting dumber in a weird way, so it's like

straight line, that, snowman. Oranges separated. But then after the oranges that separate them, there's never, like, an eight or a nine, right? You'll never see, like, it's eight, 82. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. I don't know what to tell this girl. She seems like...

She has to take it. I'll do a counterpoint. I think you're good. I think it's fine. I've rarely been in a situation where the only resource I had to know the time was an analog clock and no one would help me. I think just, like, focus on your degrees. Do other shit. You're good. Just, like, let's not even think about it anymore.

You have a phone. And if anybody is so rude to be like, if you say what time is it and they just point to a clock, you just be like, fuck you. Yeah, fuck you. Fuck you for doing that. Just tell me.

Like, you looked up, saw that it was there, could've clocked the time and said it out loud, but instead you wanted to make me feel like an asshole. They also just don't know how to tell the time. Yeah. Yeah, no one knows how. Do you also think eights are oranges? I think we're all lying.

We're all lying to each other. None of us know how to tell the time on clocks. And she's not the only one that's alone for you. You just look at the fucking circle. Yeah, the circle adds up because there's like the two lines and then if you subtract the one line from the other one and then you multiply

by the amount of ticks, which is equivalent to the amount of hours in a day, it gives you kind of time. So, like, I make smoothies, right? Sorry, you just changed the subject? Anything else? No, it's like, it's like if you make fucking smoothies,

you get to drink it and you look up at the clock and kind of ponder. So the advice here is to don't raise your arms in triumph after that. That wasn't a good metaphor. My job here is done.

No, it's not. Your job here is dumb. You said something that was completely unrelated to the answer. Don't be shocked and now you're casual about it. Are you annoyed? Are you frustrated? Are you happy and confident? Sorry. You're my fucking boss and you're talking to me like this? You're his boss. I fainted for you yesterday.

That has to mean something. Listen, in this day and age, we don't want to fucking faint for someone. What kind of loyal guy are you? Just to recap, learn what it is or don't based on how comfortable you want to be or not when somebody points at a clock.

And get yourself a man who will faint for you. Get yourself a man who could do both. And tell time. How dope is that? And if he's a centaur, that's just a bonus. The caricature is halfway done. Get an Apple Watch. But also, I think you'll feel better if you just learn how to do it.

Apple Watch is a good idea because they have the face that can be the analog clock and then you can toggle. Invest in an Apple Watch. That's our advice here. And use my coupon code. They're pretty cool.

Shikirah shikirah. Hips don't lie, I want to tell the time for 15% off. For a code. I mean, it's worth 50% off. I think that's it. But try different capitalizations and spaces because it might be case sensitive. So you have to try it a bunch of times

in a bunch of different ways, but it'll click eventually. Giving someone a password or something and just saying, by the way, it's case sensitive. I don't really remember what the cases are, but I know the password. And there's an underscore somewhere. There's an underscore video. Finn, Billy, talking about movies that exist and some that don't.

Sometimes by themselves, sometimes with friends. I've been on an episode. I know Jeff and Riley have an episode coming up. Yeah, sometimes with enemies. So sometimes not with friends? Yeah, because sometimes it's important not to have, because sometimes you don't want to have your best friend on because I think that's maybe why I haven't been invited.

But that's fine. And I think it's good because Finn said that he didn't want to mix business and pleasure, so that makes sense. Absolutely. So do you want to be on the show episode? Is that what you're asking? No, I don't care. I'm down and I'm free next week and the week after any time, but I don't care.

It seems like you're giving like to every day. Jake, we'll give you a spot, but you just have to tell us what time it is right now. What time it is? It's fucking... It's looking at a digital clock. Duck? Duck duck goose. What fucking number looks like a duck?

Like a fucking, like a swan neck with the duck wrong. It's 406, so you say even his descriptions are bad. I mean, no, thanks for having us on. Yeah, listen to our podcast, Like Western Video. Hopefully everyone enjoys. Hell yeah. Thanks for starting

that show. Thanks for coming on this show, and thanks to you guys for listening. Thanks for having us. Of course, if you guys have your own questions or theme songs, send them all down to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. Opening one was the Blink 182 cover by Seth Dyer. This one is a Drake cover. Wow, Jake, all your favorite artists

coming together. Wow. It took half a decade for Colin to summon the gusto to make this Drake parody. But he did it for us, so we appreciate it. Thank you, Colin. Thanks to you guys. And we'll be back next week.

Thank you. That was a HitGum podcast.