If I Were You - 460: Morning Before Election

Episode Date: November 2, 2020

In this episode we discuss army time, farting time, and VOTING TIME.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. If you're this guy, just get a clue, she doesn't want to be fucking rude. If your girlfriend's asking questions about something you mentioned. Or if it's weird to smell your bullshit, can't help me, I have the answers on it. I love when you choose one of my theme songs, it's cool. If I were you, it's the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Jake, I am a comedian writer, composer, and I go by Eric sometimes. Eric Ariola made that song.

Nice, it's a good one. He remixed it, recorded the vocals in his girlfriend's bathroom while she was taking a nap, so shout out to Faith. Shout out to Faith, not really respectful of your girlfriend's nap to chant if I were you in the bathroom, but I guess it wasn't super loud. Yeah, but we can plug his stream, Fade by FatalRA on Spotify and Apple Music. Alright, shout out, shout out to Fade. Yeah, I voted for Trump. Sorry, you voted early, which is good. You want people to vote early, but you voted for the bad guy in the election?

It's not often you have an election where there's a good guy and a bad guy. Well, I looked at the policies and I was like, alright, let me cover up the man's and see who I agree with more. Policy-wise? Yeah, I was like, let's go down the list. Do I want to be taxed more? And I was like, I don't make $400,000, but I can see a world where I become a rich man. And if I were a rich man, I wouldn't want to be a 39%. Do you think you're going to be rich in the next four years? Because in theory, you could spend the next four years getting rich under Biden's policies and then switch to a conservative.

But it sounds like you're switching a little early, you're switching sides too early. It wasn't just the taxes, actually. You also like the anti-immigration, the climate changes, the hoax stuff, the rolling back. Yeah, I don't really believe in science is all, and if I were to become rich soon, I don't want to... I guess that's the taxes too, like they're not having to fail hard. And you do have to pay more under his tax plan. You know that, right? Mm-hmm. I don't think my vote matters as much. Thankfully, yeah, California, Biden's going to win, despite your best efforts.

Less so, yeah. I've also signed up to be a poll watcher. Like an official one, or sort of like... No, sort of part of Trump's army. So that's voter intimidation. Yeah, out here, it's just like ballot boxes, like near libraries that are pretty... I know, back east, like people are, you have to wait lines. So you're camping out next to one with like a plastic sword. Yeah.

And as soon as someone dumps the ballot in, I'm like, who'd you vote for? I'm taking an exit poll, bitch. And at that point, it's kind of too late. You let him vote, yeah. I was actually dishonorably discharged from Trump's army of poll watchers yesterday. I wasn't doing my job, unfortunately. Dishonorably discharged. You had to vote in person, right?

Yeah, I chose to. I don't know what... I mean, I could have done the ballot drop-off or anything. It just like... I've actually never voted in person before. This was my first time... Oh, you usually do it by mail. So this is my first time. And what were the vibes like at the line?

It was... You know, I thought it was going to be crowded. We went on Sunday, but there was like no line outside. Basically the line... I was the second person that was waiting outside. So the line was short. And then once you got inside, there's like 10 people. There's like a person there to tell you exactly what to do every five steps.

So it never felt shady or anything? No. And I definitely didn't know what to do. Someone had to tell me every single time. And now, next time I vote, I'll have a little bit better of a sense. But I walked in, I'm like, where do I go? Was it analog? Like, did you have to punch something? It was like a scantron.

They gave me a pen, this little vote NYC pen right here that I still got. And you fill in a bubble. Just the bubble. Yeah, the one next to... I filled in the one next to Donald J. Trump as well. That's pretty cool that we did a little 180. Because we've been kind of going pretty hard for the other guy. Doesn't it say at all that his campaign slogan this election cycle was supposed to be

keep America great and he had to pivot back to make America great again? Like, you made it bad. It was good until the China virus is all. Right, now we're rounding the turn. Don't you worry about that. Don't you worry about that. Yeah, and then I also, when I was finished with my ballot, I'm like, do I just hand this to someone?

It's too important to me. I want to make sure that I did it right. And even then, I went up to the person I handed it to. They put it in the Scantron. It's counted right before my eyes. They verified that I did everything right. So I didn't even have to go out not knowing. Wow, and that's it. It's over.

Yeah, I mean, the system's bad, but it felt good that I know my vote was counted. And that was... Now I'm going to do that from now on. Voting in person. Voting early. Now we wait. We kind of wait to see if this is the last episode of our show because this comes out Monday. We're going to do one final episode of this show, no matter what, right? The final episode will be either Morning After Trump Part 2,

which is sort of our suicide note, or Morning After Biden, which is like, wow. We're going to go for another 500 episodes. Yeah, so we've got an episode coming out on Wednesday that it will either be the dawn of a new day, a new era of Jake and Amir podcasting, or the end of the final chapter. Which is kind of exciting.

Although my big fear, besides from Trump winning, is the unknown. We go to sleep Tuesday night and it's like, yeah, we have to wait. Sorry, guys, we don't know what Pennsylvania or Florida are going to do. Yeah, I can definitely see that happening. Right. Or like Trump being like a little bit ahead, and then both candidates throw like a victory parade for each other. Like, I won. No, I won. Yes, we both won. Worst case scenario, because I think Florida counts pretty quickly,

is like Trump wins Florida on election night, but other things are unknown. So you go to bed not knowing, but hope being dashed. That's what I don't want. Yeah, like he's in the lead, and it's only like the third quarter, but he's declaring victory, and then you have to go to sleep, hoping that the rules of the game will be adhered to in the morning. Yeah, it's just so bad. It's so bad.

Like, life and death is on the line at this time. But it's close. Well, at the very least, we're close. We don't have to keep waiting, keep harping on it. It's like, you know what, I'm ready. It's almost November. And by the time you listen to this, it's Monday, the day before election day. Jesus Christ. Can't even imagine.

Which would I have to pay you to just go camping on Monday until Saturday? Off the grid, no internet, no phone. Wow, I think I would do it if you just gave me the time off. If you found a way to cover everything that I needed to do next week, and you were like, would you take a carefree vacation for a week and come back and know or not? I would definitely do that. I wouldn't be able to have a carefree vacation like Wednesday and Thursday,

just like fucking trembling alone in a yurt somewhere, knowing that everybody else in America knows who won. But I wonder, I feel like on Wednesday and Thursday, there's this solid chance and not inconsequential probability or possibility that everyone will have the same level of anxiety as somebody camping in the woods, not knowing, because they don't know either. Yeah, it's looking more and more likely like we won't know versus we will. That sucks.

Hopefully I'm wrong. That's the comfort, is that everyone's been wrong so much about so much having to do with him. Because you also remember what we were talking about in 2016, or what I worked up over, was like, Trump's not going to accept the results of the election. How can you imagine Trump saying he won't accept the results? He wasn't even president. It wouldn't have mattered if Trump lost and he's like, I don't accept the results. It's like, okay.

Who are you, bro? The Democrat in power is going to transfer it to the Democrat that won. So like, you not accepting is fine. And now this year it's, but then like, you know, after I was also worked up about that, like he's not going to concede, there's going to be violence in the street, his supporters are going to protest, and then just like cut to he won. He just, he just legitimately won in the electoral college. And now everybody is like, what if he doesn't accept the results?

That's definitely bad. What if we don't know the results? Definitely bad. Worst case scenario, we know on election night and he wins. That's also a possibility. So there's just no, there's no preparing for anything. There's no point in working up, getting worked up over an unlikely or a weird scenario. Yeah.

We just, we just have no idea. I have to remind myself. I'm like, wait, Obama was the president that recently? Like, I feel like Trump's been in office for like a year, but like Obama, I can't think of like a time where Obama was the president. That feels like 10 years ago. Yeah. I think of it as like 2008 and that's it.

It's like, oh wow, as recently as four years ago, when we recorded morning after Trump, which feels like 15 months ago slash a lifetime ago, Obama was the president still. Yeah. Obama was the president. That was what a time. What a nice. He should have done the thing where he's like, this is a rigged election and all that shit that Trump's saying, like we have to know who wins.

There's going to be a red wave. They're stealing shit from me and shit like that. That would have been, that would have been smart if he was like, Clinton won the popular vote. We can't, I can't abdicate the throne. Yeah. Like this. Yeah.

I'm going to stay in power. It was also kind of a maniac, but like a smarter maniac. Yeah. God, that'd be cool. All right. This is if I were you on advice podcast after all, not a political podcast. Stop trying to politicize everything. It's not political anymore to say Trump's bad.

That's just a straight up fact. We got some questions from people who I guess are still dealing with coronavirus stuff. I guess we didn't round the turn. We didn't defeat. At least not yet. We'll have rounded the turn and they'll have, and we'll have a, an antidote. Yeah. A vaccine's coming.

So don't worry. I can't wait two weeks. Oh, this is a basketball dilemma. Okay. Quarantine basketball. Okay. Yeah. We'll call this guy.

Contavius called well Pope. Cool. KCP writes, I'm hoping to get some advice from LeBron James himself, Amir Blumenfeld. That's right. I just, I just got into, I get that a lot, so it doesn't really faze me. I just got into basketball a few months ago at the beginning of quarantine. I got a hoop a few weeks ago and I've been shooting on it every day. I'm a high school freshman and apparently the freshman team is missing many players.

Understanding that I barely know how to play, but I very much like the sport and want to get better. Do you think I should go to try out and almost definitely make it to the team as bad as I am or wait until next year when I'm somewhat more experienced? Keep in mind, I have only played by myself. I'm five foot nine and most people on the team have been playing for years. Thanks. Love KCP.

Did you know that I was on my high school basketball team for one week? No, what happened? It was really, really hard and I was very bad. I had this guy's exact problem. So you were a freshman. I was actually, I think I was a junior. It was when I transferred schools in my junior year when I went to private school. There was like 40 kids in my class.

So like really you could do, you were at that school because it was so small, you were required to play a sport each semester and I was like, I'll try basketball. That seems cool. I'm like, I thought it'd be fun to be a basketball player. Yeah, that was like, it was all about like the aesthetics of basketball. Yeah. And then I played for a week and like it was it's so difficult. You know, you know, I didn't I didn't know how to shoot or dribble.

And I was good at defense either. I played like one on one and a horse in my friend's driveways. I was terrible at defense. So how did you quote make the team? Is it because everyone made the team? Yeah, you could not be rejected from the team and I only made the JV team. I didn't make the team. It was I was I could not play varsity basketball.

So I was on the JV team, but we all practiced together. And just like one day it was just so it was like so hard. And I the next day I went in and I told the coaches like, I think I have to quit. He's like, oh, yeah, I know. I assumed you already quit. I figured like, yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense. But did you get to keep the jersey or you didn't know because it did not make it that far.

I did not make it that far. Never got a jersey. Never got in in seventh grade, I think there was we had a middle school league where everyone had to make a team because it's like seventh grade private school. So you better believe if your little kid wants to play, he gets to play. Yeah, for 20,000 dollars a year. Doctor is going to play. But since there were like 40 kids quote trying out,

they just had to keep making teams. So like every school had like an A team and a B team and a C team. So like it's like we like played like different leagues of levels. And I did the tryout and I thought I was like fine. I was very short and unathletic, but I'm like, at least I could shoot. I'm like, I'm not a complete novice like you were. I'm like, I know the rules of the game and they fucking they draft you into the different like teams in front of everyone.

So it's like this person made a team. This person made a team. Let's go on to the B team, B team team. And you're still all the way down to the C team. I'm like, this is crazy. I'm I'm going to be on the fucking C team. I don't even make the C team. There's no. Oh, wow.

I look around and it's like the kid who picks his nose, whose mom like dropped him off at the fucking playground and said, you had to try out and like two other people have never touched a basketball before. I'm like, all right. So like, what's up now? And they're like, you guys are on. I think I told you this before. So fucking embarrassing.

You guys are on. Do you remember what they called it? No, it's so shameful. Not the not the D team, because that's too embarrassing. Right. Right. You guys are on the NBA, the NBA team. Oh, don't don't applaud that. Yeah, like, don't get happy.

Elliot, that's not a good thing. Like they're just fucking patronizing, but like you don't know how to play basketball. That's awesome. NBA team. I'm like, no, I'm not on the fucking NBA team. You made a team on the NBA team. Yeah, okay. Me and Eli, who just learned basketball was. OK, Eli shit himself over there.

So I was like, mortified, embarrassed, ashamed. But I will say that because I was the best player on the NBA team, playing against other schools, seventh and eighth grades, NBA team, players that did not know how to play basketball. I felt like a fucking all star. I'm like, this is great at scoring like 18 points a game because nobody knows how to dribble or shoot. So you played on the NBA team till college, right?

I sort of created a league in high school. So I would draft me against other people who are all shorter and slower than me. So it turned out to be very fun. But like I was I remember like crying to my parents being like, I can't believe they put me on the fucking worst team. I actually play basketball at recess. This is horseshit. Did all your were all your friends like, this is crazy.

You shouldn't be on the NBA team. Like, did any did anyone else see the injustice or was it only you? Well, I yeah. I bet they were just being polite to me. They're like, yeah, that's insane. Right. We're on the B team. So we're going to like actually practice, but that fucking sucks. But I guess instead of like being the worst player on the C team or B team,

I would have just I got unlimited playing time and on the NBA team and played against other really shitty, inferior opponents. Yeah. Maybe they thought that you could teach the NBA kids, you know, maybe they were like, we need Blumenfeld. He's a he's a leader, but he can't lead the B team. That's probably it. Or what if I was so good? I was like trying to make you feel better and it works too.

No, it works. And I don't think about it. Like, you don't want to put the worst players to the coach. Shouldn't have worked this well. Wait, I have an idea. Instead of Blumenfeld, they already knew who I was on the A team. And all the other coaches were like, definitely a team. I was like, what if we fucking put him on the NBA team?

That way he's the fucking LeBron James, Michael, Jordan, Kobe, Brian of this shitty ass league. And yeah, I was I guess they thought that my demeanor disposition was such that I wouldn't like take that personally. Or I would like take it in stride and be like, that's like, I would like fucking pony up to the challenge of it all and be like, you were too easily convinced and it feels like you'd already gotten to this conclusion yourself. I was baited into it.

I'm going to Facebook message my old P.E. coach. Yeah, he is a Trump supporter. All right, I'll send him a message and I'll ask him if he's voting. He has a plan. And if he put me on the NBA team just to see if he could get a fucking rise out of me. All right, what was this guy's question? Should he try out? Yeah, you might as well try out. I think you should try out and you should play and you'll be bad,

but you'll be bad with other players and and the team and you'll grow. And that'll make you a better player next year. Like if you're down to be bad and practice for a year, it's probably better to practice with the team than it is to practice by yourself. Yeah, you can only get so good shooting by yourself in a driveway. Yeah, you can get you can become a good shooter, but there's a lot of running and defense and other shit involved. That's the that's the hard part that you're not expecting.

Yeah, definitely. I didn't even know you had to dribble. Yeah, that's that's how they get you. And it has to be one handed. There's a whole fucking rulebook and like as the star of the NBA team, I was responsible for teaching everybody how it worked. I remember we we were such a bad team. We used to play in like second rate gyms, like gyms with carpet instead of wood floors because. Oh, my God, the real teams

were playing like the real gyms for playing in like a fucking kindergarten classroom turned into a basketball court. A cafeteria table still there. Kids still eating. I have to dribble around them. This is a fucking disgrace to the NBA. All right, let's take a break and thank some sponsors and we'll be back with more questions after these.

All right. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech,

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Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant.

We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah, yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh, my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah.

Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter.

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All right. And use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, aura. And now back to the headgum podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult,

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That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back, Jake. Do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the fire. Well, I'm coming. Gross.

Up up. Yes. You know, I do. I recently changed my phone to a 24 hour clock military time. Or a European time zone, which is kind of the way I like to look at it. So what makes me a little more worldly? I really it's a fun little skill to have to know how to tell 24 hour time. Because when you travel, some countries use it. And, you know, I think it's a better system, to be perfectly honest.

Because you have to do the the AM and the PM. You just, yeah, say 15. So do you still say like 15 is because that's a hard one. 15 is like that should be one of the easier ones. 15 is the hard time. The hard one is like when it's like 20 colon 48. Right. Well, then it's, you know, it's in between seven and nine. Change your clock.

It's like dinner ish. Well, I'm still learning. You don't say it, you don't say the number, right? You don't say 22. You say 10. And then you say, oh, 800 hours private. That's eight AM. OK. So you still don't fucking really get it.

No, you do not say 14 o'clock. You don't say 14, but you say you'd say two. You'd say two and then you'd look and it would say 14. Oh, yeah, I don't know why it's good to have, but it's a fun. Everything sucks now. Everything is a boring mundane day. Nothing's new. Nothing's interesting. And that it tickled me a little bit to have a new thing on my phone.

I like it in prison. Yeah. There's nothing to do. Good news, guys. I figured out how to add 12 to the hour. And that'll sort of keep me going until after the election. But, yeah, no, it is hard. It is definitely hard.

There have been a couple of times where I was wrong. I wonder if it makes Europeans smarter or better at math because it's like ingrained in them to be like, oh, 2150 is minus 12 is 950 p.m. Yeah, I don't know. And I mean, I guess like there isn't a better system or is the 20 or is the 12 hour thing that we've got over here better? I don't mind the military. What's hard is the Celsius because, like,

I remember being like in Israel or something and they'd be like, it's 22 out. And I'm like, all right, now I have to fucking do like divided by five times nine plus 30. Like, is it the conversion? There was like really bad. Yeah, I don't understand that. So and I mean, the the meter system, too, that. But that one, I that one I know in my heart is better than the one we have. But it's just like, I don't I can't get there.

I won't be able to learn that. But, you know, maybe I'll start with a 24 hour clock. And I'll just use slowly moving to, yeah, you're just slowly going to move to Europe. Basically, you want out of America. This is very badly, very badly to be your first centimeter out or half an inch. Yeah, I want to be an English bloke. I really do. That's cool. You already like like the fashion of the time, like wearing, you know, bundled up

foggy, gray New York style clothes. So you can transfer that to London, a cool umbrella, nice boots, top of the morning, flat, white, et cetera, et cetera. Getting on the tube. Come on. The problem is London is like one of the few cities on earth that's more expensive than New York. So like you'd have to start making one point five times the cash. Yeah, I guess maybe I'll move to Manchester is what I'll do.

I could always do that. A smaller love man, Chester, the main of UK. That's right. Or I could move to Scotland. I'd be cool. Well, you're already you're already like focused on the whole Trump thing. Just like, let's get to the finish line. There's a chance that like the polls are wrong and Biden's error. So like he might actually win in a landslide and it won't even be a big deal.

That'd be nice. But then I can move to Europe and I would be like, hey, look at that. My country rounded the curve after all. Rounded the corner as everybody's dying. Yeah, that's good. OK, that's good. I don't know if it's good advice, but it's definitely advice. Move your. It's unsolicited.

It is definitely. Yeah, nobody asked for that. No, nobody asked for that. I don't even I can't even tell you why it's good. Yeah, I don't think it is. Yeah, I don't even think you'd like it. Well, I know it's fourteen forty nine now at the time of recording, which is two forty nine. Yeah, the forty nine part is easy.

That shouldn't have been a delay. That one stays the same. All right, let's get back to these questions. We got one from a lady in Texas. What should we name her? Who's the most famous Texan woman? Dolly Parton. Yeah, she from Texas.

We've used her before. Yeah, Annie Oakley. I know these people are vaguely from the south. I don't know specifically from Texas. Right. I don't know anyone from Texas. Laura Bush. Yeah, it's got to be got to be. Laura Bush writes,

my boyfriend and I have been together for two years and lived together for about a year, and he's pretty great, except for. He won't stop farting around the time we moved in together. Things got way less shy about bodily functions, which is, of course, fine. But now that things are quickly spiraling out of control, he's constantly farting constantly. He even he's even shit his pants three times in the last month.

He doesn't even stop farting when he sleeps. He always falls asleep before me the past couple of weeks. And there has been more than a few times where his farts actually wake me up and then made me throw up in the middle of the night. I live in fear of him shitting in our bed. We're both mid 20s, not like a five year old like this email would imply. I have no idea what to do.

I've tried nicely mentioning to him that he should go to the doctor and he thinks I'm being dramatic. He says everyone shits themselves from time to time, but nobody talks about it. I don't want to not three times a month. I don't want to fuck him even because I'm scared he'll fart. I don't want to go on road trips with him because I know he'll fart the whole way. I also don't want to break up with him over this.

But honestly, what the fuck do I do about this biohouser? Love the show as bullying for soup would say, come back to Texas. That's too much. I fart a lot. This is coming from somebody that farts a lot. Yeah. And if his farts are... Yeah, for sure.

No, I don't. And I think if his farts are making you throw up, if they're that like toxic, that he definitely needs to see like, what are those guys called? Like a gastro... Yeah, a GI doc. You've got to go see a GI doc. At 0800 hours. Price.

Yeah, sometimes people have allergies and they don't really take it seriously because the byproduct is gas and it's like, oh, it's kind of funny. But sometimes gas really hurts. Have you ever had painful gas? I've had gas that's been trapped and it feels like a really bad stomach ache. Yeah, I've had that with... You know how I can't burp? We've talked about this before.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, so sometimes it's like a ton of pressure in my chest. Yeah, like heartburn almost. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, but sometimes people get like consistent gaseous pain because they're either allergic to something or they got bacteria in the gut and they have to like see about that. There's like over-the-counter medicine you could take for gas.

I think that it's at this point where your boyfriend is shitting himself in the apartment and ruining your sleep and sex life, making you physically ill, he has to go to a doctor. He has to. It's not allowed to not have it looked at anymore. It's unacceptable. I will say on record, sharding is not as common as he's telling you. I haven't shit my pants.

I don't know when the last time was. I sharded in 2012 and that was the last time and the only time. Right after you voted by mail, right? That's right. Drop my ballot off for Romney and give a little top of the sharding to you. That's right. What do you do when you're around girlfriends family? Are you holding it in?

Are you going to the bathroom to fart? Also, I have a wife when I'm around my in-laws. I don't fart when I'm with my mistress and her family. I will toot just a little squeaker when I'm with my secret family, my son and my daughter. I have a mistress, a wife, a public wife, a secret family. When I'm with my secret family and my secret in-laws, I'll let it rip and I will go to town.

Then when I'm with my girlfriend, it's pretty casual. I haven't met her folks yet. Trim down the amount of women in your life. Is that your wife, your girlfriend, or just your main bitch? Asked Luda Chris. I wouldn't fart around any of them. Actually, I fart around my girlfriend, but yeah. In-laws family?

That's kind of a weird one. Although, do you ever like, oh, this one is quiet and it might stink, but at least they won't hear me. No, I do not. Yeah, I don't do that. I fart shamelessly around Jill and she does not like it. She gets annoyed when it's just loud, which most of the time is just loud and it doesn't smell,

but the times when it smells really bad, she watches yelling. Does she ever fart in front of you? Are you convinced that she just doesn't fart? No, I don't think she holds back, but she basically doesn't fart. I don't think this, yes, way, way, way less night and day difference. Yeah, I don't know what it is about dudes that just fart more and fart louder. Yeah, I feel like I heard her fart once a month and I fart, I don't know, a quarter of the day.

I'll fart at like 14, then at 1640, and then I'll fart again at 229. That's good. That is very good. I think that you could not, you're not breaking up with this guy because he farts too much. You're breaking up with this guy because his farting is a detriment to your relationship that he's refusing to acknowledge or look into or handle. Like that's the reason to break up. I agree that being like, oh, this guy farts too much. I have to break up with him.

You can't do that, but like this guy farts too much. I told him it's a problem for me. It makes me physically nauseous. I am very upset by it and he won't do anything to change. That's breakup material. Yeah, the puking, the shitting, the farting, the sharding. Her email subject was till death do us fart, which is pretty good. That's good. All right, one last question.

Yes, one last, well, you know what? I want to watch, I want to watch that vote video. That's what I want to do before we leave. Oh shit. All right. Here we go. This is vote part two, which we watched on our Patreon. That's right. And I laughed so hard and I liked it so much. And I said, we can't keep this gold just behind a paywall. Right.

But if you do want to watch the video version, that part's behind a paywall. This is vote part two. Yeah, this was Obama versus Romney. That was what we were trying to get out the vote for back then. 2012. That's right. And you want to watch the whole video or just the part of me struggling to say that line? Let's watch the whole thing.

I missed this video. Here we go. You guys know what today is. Erection day. So cast your bone, it's not that hard on. Leave. Because I made a joke. You made three jokes and they were all about dicks. Okay, it was offensive.

So in some states, the presidential race is a foregone conclusion. So New York and Alabama, thanks, but no thanks. You don't need to vote. What if everybody thought like that? That I'd be a genius. Okay. Convincing an entire state not to vote, I should be president. The president wouldn't do that.

And look, and look where we are. Yes, they would. Yes, they would. Mitt and Romney. I'm smitten. Homney. That's not good, man. Homney's not a word.

And Paul Ryan. We are trying, but nobody's Biden. They're a time quite like our vice president, Joseph Dan Quayle. You're not smart. Never said I was. Okay. I know it's a two-party system. But what about the candidate nobody's talking about?

Mitt Romney. People are talking about Mitt Romney. You were just talking about Mitt Romney. When? Remember smitten, homney? Oh, yeah. That was funny. It was not funny.

Okay. We know you're busy, but you've got to find... Voting isn't hip, but you know it is a wrap. So give me a beat. Politics is a polished dick. So cast your vote on this pink... Stop. Stop.

Sensorer. I sense you're a censorer, sir, who censored my word. So rest assured, I am incensed for sure. No more slam poetry. Okay? That was really good, but no more slam poetry. It was good. Thank you.

You've got to be as well informed as possible. So research your candidates before you head to the polls. Exactly right. So for example, Barack Hussein Osama. Wow, yeah. He stands for socialism. And Mitt Romney? He stands for socialism.

So get out there and cast your vote for your candidate today. Oh my God, let me bail you out, brother. So get out there and vote for your favorite candidate today. Perfect. Wait, let me try one more. So get out there and vote for your favorite candidate today. Let me try one more. So get out there and vote for your favorite candidate today.

It is harder than it sounded. Three, two, one. So get out there and vote for your favorite candidate today. Today. Today. Say it slower. One, two, three. So get out there and vote for your favorite candidate today.

One second. Candidate? I'm not even saying that one word right. Oh my God, I'm thinking about something else. Ah. It's like a f- I'm pissed off now. Candidate d-

Woo! So get out there and vote for your candidate today. You know, you weren't blinking before, and now you just did one with your eyes completely closed. I think both of them work. Okay, ready? Three, two, one. Get out there and vote.

Let me take it slow and we can speed it up. Even if you were blinking before, that's fine. So get out there and vote for your favorite candidate today. Doing it slow. All right, let's try one more time. Don't! I said I needed two minutes. And you've been standing there for like seven.

Candidate. Not even closer. Candidate and vote for your favorite candidate today. Favorite candidate today. Favorite candidate today. Oh my God! Favorite candidate to date. Candidate.

Candidate today. Don't say today. It's messing up. Candidate. Candidate today. Oh my God, you shoved me. Sorry, sorry. Yeah, yeah, I needed that.

Candidate. I feel like I got it now. Get out there and vote for your favorite candidate today. Oh my God. When you hit me, something messed me up, man. All right, so if you're over the age of 18. Oh, I'm in college. I didn't register.

I can't vote. Wrong. You know, if they didn't register, then you actually can't vote. That sounds like tea party philosophy to me. That was hot tea! And then I burn you at the end for good measure. It's a perfect video. It is a perfect video.

I watched it the other day for the Patreon and I just listened to it now and I laughed as hard. I was standing by myself in the kitchen earlier laughing thinking about Candidate today. And you can watch it, us react to it on our Patreon or that clip on my Twitter, on our YouTube. And of course, you should actually vote for your favorite candidate today. Yeah, and the candidate that's your favorite is obviously Joe Biden. That's just, and yeah, do that. Love him or hate him.

You have to respect him more than Donald Trump. All right. That's it. That's good. Opening theme song. I said who it was. Bye, right? Yes, you did.

Opening themes. Oh, yes. Eric Ariola. Ariola. Very sexy. The theme song continues and there's an outro. So I'm just going to play the outro of it as the outro to this episode. Okay.

Love it. And if you have any theme songs or questions for us, the question, the email address for all that is ifirushow at gmail.com. And yeah, happy voting tomorrow. We'll be back on Wednesday morning. Hopefully with an answer, some peace of mind in the right direction. Hopefully not our last podcast ever. Fingers crossed.

Fingers crossed. Good luck. Thank you, Eric. We'll be back soon. Thanks for listening. Bye, everybody. Later. That was a hit gum original.