If I Were You - 469: Happy New Year

Episode Date: January 4, 2021

In this episode we discuss burping, bathing, and Amir's New Years Eve.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. You say this girl in your class is super fine but she doesn't know your name. You cry in your bed when she left you on red and won't snapchat you back. Why so sad? Remember she's with your best friend and you're dating Roxanne now you're making me mad. Remember despite your confusion you can ask Jake and Amir those two dudes have a podcast called if I were you Jake and Amir ones a monk and Jake jams out to 90s punk

Golden mics rise, turkeys fall They have seen each other through it all And when push comes to shove They'll take a massive dump on your bad decisions To remind you of their love Everybody I Love this dude

Nice you kind of ruined it because he was like a really good singer and then you sort of you kept like chiming in a little Yeah, yeah, you're you're deaf. I think they're like tone deaf. I don't know what's happening. Yeah, but that was a Hamilton parody. We've played some Hamilton parodies before but that one was great. Oh, yeah, baby. I guess, yeah, I guess they've all been great, but that one especially really really tickled us that one was by Jerry Who's or house H O U S H we just say who's or house H O U S H. Yeah. Oh, I'd say house house. Yeah, and I'd be right. How is your house by the way. My house my house is really coming along. Yeah, it's a really nice house. It's a good house. You just want to make sure you turn your house into a house. How's your house doing house your house. It's actually who's. Okay. Very well. I know. Nice. If you want to shout out anything. Jerry did a if I were you animation back in the day called if I were you podcast Colin Rodney featuring the acclaimed guest and

Thomas Middle Ditch. So yeah, shout that out on on YouTube. This guy is awesome. Not only made this song, he also animated something. Wow, a double threat. Yeah, at least he's probably out of he's got a couple threats we don't even know about I bet. Yeah, if you can if you can sing and animate, you probably are at least a triple threat. He can probably anything low key dance. Yeah, that's cool. I mean, how many threats do you think I have if this guy has 30 you have zero threats, maybe one like you are a threat. You're a threat to society. You're a menace. You're a delinquent. I was going to say her writing. No, podcasting. I don't think so. Watching you're even you're watching watching shit. You said you're good at podcasting. And this is a really boring segment of our podcast where you try to figure out and I still have writing. Take away the last two writing, walking. And did I did I mention? Yeah, did I mention you to mention watching mentioning mentioning. Yeah, you walk for a second, take a little lap, go to the go to the window and back. Wow, you can't even do that. Can I mention you don't know how to walk? Yeah, so that's to watching and mentioning. But yeah, that's pretty cool. Everyone's talented, including our fans. Thanks to Jerry. Happy New Year to everybody listening. My God, 2021. Can you believe it? Yeah, 2021. It's already different is already 2021 is already hitting different.

Really? Yeah. I mean, for me, it's been roughly the same just like Saturday and Sunday. It's been Friday, Saturday, Sunday has been 2021. And for me, it's felt exactly like to a T Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Right. Yeah. Actually, I did something a little dangerous for New Year's if you want to say. Yeah, sure. I I've been like quarantining with a few other friends. So it's like me and two other people. And we decided on New Year's Eve, let's say, throw caution to the wind, take our masks off and go to this influencer party in the valley. It was 650 strangers doing like TikTok dances in the valley. It's like outside. No, it's in this hype house and they did this. Yeah, this hype house in the valley where it's like a bunch of influencers and myself. You can see me in the background of some of these videos that are that are in the news. I'm doing like a keg stand. I'm like doing like this pin the tail on the donkey thing where they wrap me. Wow, what a party. They play pin the tail on the donkey.

Well, I was the fucking dancer. I was the donkey. So they wrapped me in masking tape. You can hear them chanting, let's wrap this fucker in masking tape. What were you invited to the party? They thought that I was a stripper. Yeah, so I walk in there. So this was their plan for the stripper. That's very fucked up. Yeah, my friends, I guess, couldn't make it because they heard that it was going to be like a dangerous affair. So they thought I was like crashing or that I was old and weird or whatever. They wrapped me up in masking tape, different like color masking tapes.

Like, I guess, have you ever heard of a rainbow party? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so this is kind of like a variation on that where they would stick me with like little needles, like pin the vaccine on the donkey. But it wasn't the vaccine. I want to say clearly. They tied you up and gave you shots? But not like alcoholic shots? Yeah, not even good shots. They pinned a tail on you? That's what they did?

They kept pricking me. They said, prick the prick. Prick the prick. How many things did they chant? They said... What have I said so far? You said, let's play pin. Let's tie this old fucker up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then prick the prick for sure. The prick was another one.

And then they would pin the tail on me. So I must have been... I started, I was bleeding out, but I was like masked up. You know what I mean? Like masking tape kept it all in. So by the time I... You didn't wear a mask. You were masked up. You mean that was the tape that they used? Yeah, yeah. So by the time I came...

You were short of breath? Exactly. Did you show up short of breath? Like flew like symptom? Were you a little ill before you went to this party? Yeah, I had like the light, light, light chest pains and a fever of 101. But by the time I got there, that all went away. It was all just like New Year's Eve style celebration slash pin the tail on the me. So by the time I...

Some like muscle aches, that was it. Yeah, I had like muscle aches and soreness and I was short of breath and sweaty a little bit and feverish and flush and flowy more than anything. So I pass out, right? I faint or whatever. That was the 31st December. That was better than the 31st. If this party wasn't on New Year's Eve, then what the hell?

Yes, it was New Year's Eve and I woke up... It was New Year's Eve? Yeah, I woke up 20 hours ago, Saturday at like 2.30 a.m. I woke up on the 2nd, so you slept through New Year's Day. Yeah, in an ER kind of waiting area. I guess they brought me there to die. They brought you to the ER and you spent 20 hours with nobody doing intake on you. The doctors just saw you and they're like, not worth our time.

I'm a very low priority candidate because I didn't have like... I was a do not resuscitate situation. They wanted me gone. They usually make that decision after you go into the hospital. They just sort of saw that. So I have an emergency medical bracelet thing that says, try to err on the side of this guy not pulling through. But for whatever reason, I was ready to meet my maker,

but men make plans and God laughs. So God ended up cracking the fuck up at the sight of me and shot me straight back down and I... Like fucking Uma Thurman and Pulp Fiction. Yeah, I came too. I walk home. I'm like, has everybody been looking for me? Is there pain to tear between your legs?

Yes, a little syringe coming out of my ass still. And yeah, everybody was just sort of fine to see me. You mean those two roommates you've been safely quarantined with? They wanted me out. You two new roommates? Yeah. I'm living a little bit on the lamb and a little bit on the fence. As it were.

But it is so good to see you. How was your New Year's? Yeah, you know, it was fine. That's cool. Did you like, yeah, anything crazy happen? Like did somebody beat the shit out of you? Or are you sort of like... No, no, no.

I kept you, took her easy. Took her easy. That's smart. We took her easy. That's smart. Yeah, I was going to say I should probably have taken her easy. I should probably have taken it greasy. Yeah, that was good catch up.

Did you have a New Year's kiss or were you dead by the point? No kiss. No kiss. Yeah, not for lack of trying either. I was maced within an inch of my life, which I didn't know that could happen. I guess you could pass out from the peppers and shit. Either slash or slash way. This is an advice podcast after all.

Yeah, we are here to dispense our wisdom and let's get wise. What do you think of that for a new catch phrase? For a new slogan for the new year, 2021. We were here to dispense our wisdom and let's get wise. Is that what you said? Let's get wise, yeah. Essentially. It is not going to stick for me, dog.

That ain't it, fam. I love that you're trying new slogans, but you didn't find one yet. Okay. Well, yeah, this is if I were you. The only advice podcast on the web still hosted by us eight years later. I'm Amir. I am Jake. Wow.

Eight years? Are we coming up on eclipsing the amount of time we've done a podcast for the amount of time that we did a web series? Good question. Yeah, I think Jake and Amir lasted nine or 10 and then there was an overlap. So, this one will be eight years in May. So, we're not quite there yet, but we're on our way. Wow.

Jesus Christ. Are you ready to start? What will the next decade chunk be? I'm wondering. Yeah. I thought it was going to be a TikTok. Thank God it's not going to be. I think that's not going to be us.

I don't know. What if we just like total career shift? We can be like anything. Dancers? What's that? Dancers? No, because that's still an entertainment. I wouldn't know.

I don't think we could totally be dancers because we have to both know how to do it. And only I am like a classically trained. I don't know if you are as good a dancer. I'm as good as you for sure. You're not classically trained. You're not classically trained. I don't think you could be at my level, which is kind of like ballet, trip hop style. Trained at Juilliard.

You were also like learning. Somebody ran train of you at Juilliard. No. That's what you did at Juilliard. Yeah. Juilliard and the yard. That's where I fucking learned. Actually, we got a question about your burping situations.

Let's see if we can answer this guy's question. I'd be happy to. Because I also have some. I've made some progress there. Really? It's pretty exciting. Okay. Okay.

Why don't we call this guy? A man in your family name. So like another Hurwitz. Oh, another Hurwitz. Let's go the fucking guy himself, Sam. Sam writes, Jake, my friend, I was listening to if I were you and you mentioned you cannot burp. Me too. I also avoid drinking beer because I get bloated and then I have to have small, awkward, embarrassing,

uncontrollable mini burps. Here's the question. My girlfriend thinks I should see a doctor about it, but I can't be arsed. Have you ever spoken to a medical profession about your condition? It doesn't really bother me too much. I can just get a bit uncomfortable and embarrassed in some social situations. For reference, I'm a 32 year old male from Melbourne, Australia. No pressure, but I do.

I do have a wager on whether or not you have mentioned this to a doctor. So please tell me that you have not. Oh, that's a lot of pressure. Oh, so not. You have not mentioned it to a doctor. No. But I did like troll through the no burp subreddit, which I think somebody sent to us. And basically they're, it's like not a recognized condition.

Doctors don't treat this because they don't think it's real. Or if they think it's real, then they don't think it's worth a damn, which I could understand that. People are dying of other illnesses. Yeah. I'm going to dedicate my life to making it so you can belch. You know, that's not a high priority. Yes. So is there a, did you figure out a quote reason?

Is it a genetic thing? Is it part of your body? Is it like, can you train yourself to learn how to burp or something? I, so on this website, on the no burp subreddit, there's like, I think there's like two doctors who basically recognize this as, you know, an illness or an ailment and they perform a surgery, which I really hope it's, I think, I don't have the page in front of me, but I think they do something to strengthen your sphincter. So this doctor says, if you just give him fart blanch axis to your asshole can make it so that you can burp.

Or else are you talking about a sphincter muscle, which I believe is just a circular muscle and exist in other parts of your body. So there's like one in your throat. That's exactly what it is. Okay. So there's a sphincter, which I believe there's one around your eye too. It allows you to blink. There's one in your asshole. That's the famous one because that puckers up and lets you shit.

That's the one that made you giggle when I said it was sphincter surgery. That's right. I didn't know that. All right. That's, that makes, that makes sense. All right. So now we know. So a muscle, a circular muscle in your throat that lets you burp.

And that's also a quote sphincter muscle. And I guess like that muscle, I don't have any control over either contracting or releasing or something. So when I drink a beer, I get uncomfortable. I get a little like lightheaded even like foggy. It's like the gas, the gas goes up to that muscle. And instead of you burping it out in a classic belch fashion, it just sort of gets stuck and that trapped gas. And you, and so what I was reading in Reddit is that like, I think I'm one of the lucky ones that can make these kind of like mini noises. Like, like just every once in a while, it's just like me pushing the air out of that very tiny hole or something.

It's not like a full release belch, but there's people that can't get anything out that are, that are much more discomfort than I am. Interesting. And I also sometimes will just like trigger my gag reflex and let the burp explode out of me. Walk us through that situation. That's you quote pulling the trigger, but instead of puking, it's just a belch. I don't know why it doesn't make me puke because it seems like it would. But there's just like so much pressure in my throat that like whatever do I guess doing that like makes my sphincter as it were open up and the belch comes out. But also in that subreddit, I was just looking at somebody who is like basically teaching themselves to burp.

And what they were saying is they're just really relaxing their throat. And I think that for my entire life burping to me was something you force out the same way you would like that's how I get a fart out of my arse. Yeah, yeah. So you'd pull the trigger down there too. Yeah. So but I don't when I'm burping, I'm like trying that, you know, like it almost looks like I'm about to heave or something. Yeah. So these last few weeks, I've just started like breathing in and then doing nothing just like trying to fully relax my throat.

And I've been getting some burps out to the point where Jill got mad at me. Why? I think that's like mad at you because you're trying to get a burp out. Well, she no, she's like, when I've burped before, there have been like a handful of times if I hear if she hears one, she's like, good job, because she knows that I can't burp. So when I first started this and it was successful and I burped a couple of times, she was like, good job, congrats, you're doing it. She was happy. But then I think I was I was doing it to such a degree of success that she was like, you know, now if you have this power, you have to have manners. But I still don't have I don't have control when I'm doing it.

I just it's been happening and it's like been surprising. That's all it is. I see. So recently you've been able to sort of train yourself to release the gas in a slower fashion. Yeah, like a more traditional burp. I still don't have like the still don't know what it is. I don't really understand what's happening. I don't have like the the like, I guess, like the command of what's happening.

I don't have I can't feel what I'm doing right or wrong. It's almost like when you're singing and your tone deaf, but like you can feel when you're you, you like get on a note, but it's by accident, you know. So you can burp, but it's not nothing on purpose or good like that. I couldn't recreate it, but I'm slowly, slowly trying to. So I guess I don't know that. I think that's my advice, but also there's apparently this doctor in Chicago and there's one in New York, but I don't know if he's as renowned. I don't know if he's seeing new clients right now. What with COVID and all?

Yeah, and it's definitely an elective surgery. But I think this I know what it feels like to not be able to burp. I also like I'm on the other side of like sometimes being able to work really hard to get a burp out. And I think that it's worth the effort. So if you can't burp at all and there's something that is out there that can help you burp, you should you should chase that fucking dream, baby. Yeah, maybe in Australia, things are a little bit different. Like there's two doctors in America that can do it. But in Australia, they're all fucking trained in this thing.

They'll slice and dice your sphincter no problem in and out. There you go. I've also stopped. I mean, I'm drinking more wine these days. That's right. Still on the wine tip through the beer. Yeah, still on the wine tip. And now I have like one beer every maybe like, I guess maybe once a week, maybe every 10 days.

Wow. Before I would have like three or four a week. And does it feel does it hit you different now that you don't have as many? Yeah. I mean, it doesn't like I'd still love the way it tastes. But I also definitely like recognize my body does not feel bloated and gaseous when I don't have the beer. That's good. Which is nice.

Yeah. Yeah. It's good. Yeah. And here, meanwhile, I can burp and I don't like beer. So maybe we should, I don't know, figure out a way to freaky Friday, those attributes or something. Could you burp right now if you wanted to? I can just like sucking air and then burp it out instantly.

Wow. Do it. Wow. Yeah. That's awesome. And then I could do it with my ass too. Watch this. No.

You don't have to squat by the camera. Did you actually just fart? It's like. You're shitting. You're shitting. Oh. You've actually diarrhea. You gave yourself fucking diarrhea, man.

The thing is I tried to like suck in air and then just shoot it back out. But for whatever reason, I'm sitting next to like a bowl of food and it all just went up and in and now it's drizzling out. And that shot is still in your ass, by the way. No, I can't burp. We have a syringe in there. I don't know what happened, but I can't burp anymore. Actually, this is perfect timing.

Let's take a break. I'll clean up my pantaloons and then we'll be back on the other side of these messages. Yes. Yeah. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow.

That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah.

For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents.

So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame.

This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame.

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that.

You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. A U R A frames dot com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best

selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's auraframes.

A U R A frames dot com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, aura. To the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist.

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Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a leather device. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. You know what?

I'll re-up some of your old advice, which is to get in the tub, to bathe, to take a bath. Interesting. So this is something I sort of discovered on the other side, like at the beginning of the quarantine, and I've been doing it less now that it was hot in LA. But now it's starting to get cool again, starting to reintroduce baths. Now it's winter in New York, and that's primo-bath weather because it's like, you get so cold it goes all the way into your bones. And the only way, I think, to completely thaw your body out is to take that bath.

That's right. But you never used to take baths. Mine is more, I never took baths. I think I might have even made fun of you when you started saying that you were taking a bath. Yeah, you used to sort of ridicule me. It's not to your face. Yeah, I definitely said a lot about you behind your back at that time.

Yeah, you used to email friends and family of mine, be like, LOL, did you guys know that Amir was doing this? And I don't know how you got the photos of me bathing or what the hell was happening. Did Avi tell you that it was like a pretty long campaign to try to get her to break up with you for the bath? Because of the bath situation, yeah. But there's nothing wrong with like the bath. It was a weird campaign because there's nothing inherently wrong with baths or bathing at all.

Totally. And now you're depressed. Yeah. I was like, you should break up with him. Holy shit, look at this guy. Yeah, why? What are you doing? Look at him.

He's literally in a bath right now, pictures and shit of like me bathing, videos of me getting into the tub, doing shit like that. And then now you're finally bathing. So what happened? What was the way? I totally get it. Yeah. Well, I think I just did it because I was like recovering from, you know, bike rides

and stuff. Oh, I see. I was like a muscle. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like... I was taking like Epsom salt baths. Well, that was, and that was how it started to be like, you know, a recovery bath as it

were. That's good. And then I just really grew to really, I loved my time in the bath and I love the way it made my body feel afterwards. So I'm still taking the baths with the salts and it's very good. Now do you treat it as like an end of the day situation? I treat it as... Are you taking daytime baths?

No. It's definitely... It's like one of the last things I would do. Yeah. Really? Not a daytime bath. Wow. Sorry.

I mean like last thing I do for the day, like maybe 5 p.m. get in the bath and then after you're done. I don't think I could do like a bath and then back to work. Oh, God. No. No, you couldn't do that. Do you take the shower after the bath or do you go straight from the bath to robe? That's actually a good question.

I do take a shower after the bath because yeah, you got to rinse off. So I do the bath into the shower and actually this is an update for me. Three days ago, I slipped from the bath getting into the shower. I ate shit, fell down hard, tiled, tiled, soapy ass feet like a banana peel man in a cartoon. Like legs up in the air? Yes. I put my entire body weight on one heel and it gave out and I tried to break my fall and

I like landed on my elbow and like for a few seconds I'm like, oh, God, I hope I did not break my arm. I can't go to a hospital, not like this. You got to get back in the tub and soak that off. I spent four more hours in an ice bath. Yeah, I fell on my ass, actually on my elbow and it was like it felt kind of like bruised for a few days and then I slowly went away. Yeah, but it was a dangerous situation.

Yeah, you got to be careful. My sub-advice is that when you're transferring from the bath to the shower, yeah, take the ... They're slippery. They're slippery little things. Yeah, and it's not, you're not meant to be walking around. But you have a separate tub shower. Yes, I do.

That's a tricky thing. I've got the shower and the tub, so I soak, how hot do you keep your shit? I'd really like to know how hot do you keep your shit. I'm barely getting in or is it a ... Let me ... Is it tea? I feel like you're ... Or is it tepid?

That's what I want to know. I want you to take a few ... Is it the baby pool? Yeah. Or is it the big boy pool? Let me ... Hot or cold? Simple question, Blimey.

Hot or cold? Your tone ... Your tone between ... Yes, I know, and I know the answer to this and if you shut up, I can answer, but the tone that you have is so nasty. You have a really nasty tone right now. It's accusatory. I'm curious.

It's a real ... A warm the bath is. I'm not being nasty with the tone out. It's tacky. It really is tacky. I feel like I'm being ... You're evading the question and not answering, and I think that's tacky. I think you're being tacky right now.

I want you to take a deep breath and I'll answer you because it's not like ... Take a deep breath when you answer me and you're done being tacky. I keep it one notch below too hot, so it's not like ... Avital likes the bath quite, quite hot. This is really, really hot. The hottest you can possibly stand, I like it one notch below that. Cool. How long are you taking a bath?

I'm taking some baths long enough that I have to re-up the hot water. It'll fade into Luke and then it's like, you know what? I'm not done yet. It's been 28 minutes. I'm ready to go for another half an hour, re-up the hot water, and that feels good too. How long are you spending in there? Are you getting wrinkly? Are you getting pruning?

The salts? I'm using the salts, but I think for me, the bath needs to be pretty hot for me to feel the benefit of the soak, the salts. I think if I just sat for 45 minutes in a tepid bath, it wouldn't do me as good as 20 minutes, but the issue is that when the bath is really hot, it's a lot harder to relax. Your mind races a little bit. You're cooking yourself alive. Yeah, you don't want to boil.

The fight or flight is kicking in. Boil your meat. Yeah. You don't want to be a little fucking, what's it called? The fondue. You don't want to fondue yourself. Yeah, you don't want to fondue yourself. You also like it one notch below, 10 out of 10 hot.

To be honest, I'm very, I am new in my bath journey, so I'm still experimenting with different temperatures. I think that I find that it's more pleasurable to have a cooler bath and be able to sit for longer, but the benefits of a hot bath are really good too. I think I go based on what I need. Am I sore or am I stressed? Do I want to unwind or do I want to heal? Interesting.

Okay. All right. Yeah, that makes sense. Then I will say you sweat a lot in the bath, so it's important to have water nearby as well. Another side tip to the bath. Yeah. Don't just bathe safely, but fucking bath smart.

Yeah. I am. No, that's smart. You got a bath smarter than that. You're actually not. You fucking... I did eat shit. Yeah.

I almost broke my arm taking a bath, but other than that, I'm bathing very smart. I imagine the have water by your side comes from a time when you fainted in the tub as well. Yes. Yeah. I will faint. I will pass out. I will wake up.

I will come too. My face skin is pruney as the tips of your fingers, white, pale, wrinkly as the day. But that's the fence of steaming out in the shower anyway, so it's no big deal. Yeah. Right. Yeah. All right, cool. We're back.

We're back to baths. Back to baths. All right. Here's a D&D question. I know you recorded an ad pod today, so this is on your mind still. That is right. Shout out to our guest, Lou Wilson. Check it out.

It's going to be a good couple of weeks. Do you guys record those as imminently as this? We're recording Sunday night. It's going to be online later tonight into Monday morning. Is the turnaround time like that on that pod? Kind of. Murph does a lot more. Not that you do a bad job editing.

You're a great editor. There's just less to... The less to edit. Edit. Yeah. So it takes Murph like a couple of days, but we recorded tonight. The episode is going to be out on Thursday. Wow.

That is fast. It's a quick turnaround. All right. I'm going to give this guy a D&D style name. Yeah. I'll give him the name of my new character, Corbo Babano. No, let's just do a new name. What was that?

Let's do a fun name. I'm sorry. We'll do one of the names of my old character, Nyak of the Renafor. Just like a silly quick name like Reina or something like that. I don't know. Why don't you name him? Reina. Go with the name that you did on our podcast when you were a guest, Hugo.

You know the story there? I don't know if I'm spilling too much beans, but I wanted to name him Jugo. And then Murph is like, you know, that might be a little offensive because he's like a Neboshi Jewish stereotype of a man. So maybe we should shift it a little further. I'm like, yeah, people won't get mad. I'm Jewish. It's fine.

Anyway, we ended up going for Hugo. That makes sense. Yeah, I understand. Yeah. He was correct. I'm a bigger man. I'm willing to name him Jugo. It doesn't roll off the tongue as much, really.

If somebody that didn't know us heard that character's name, which does make up a large portion of NADPOD as people that don't listen to this show, they would be like, you, sorry, you had a guy on and you named him Jugo? Yeah. He's sort of a miserly little elf man who takes advantage of his friends for coins, golden doubloons. Jugo did bring the chaos. We should have Jugo back, sorry, you go back, but like unannounced.

So like you guys are just like in a forest somewhere and suddenly you run into me, you go. And I'm just cooking chaos. Yeah. Ending up trying to kill you guys. All right. So no, what was the first one? Corbo Babano?

Corbo. Right. I played D&D with some old friends, including a good friend of mine who we'll call Sam, the DM himself, and the DM's girlfriend who we'll call Emily, not real names. As we're all old friends outside of D&D, we also hang out and drink together. One night I was drinking with Sam, Emily, and another friend. Things got blurry and horny and Sam and Emily fucked. I have to admit.

I have to admit that I was absolutely steamed too and probably would have been complicit if the two hadn't left. So DM got cocked by one of his own players. My question is, how do I make this D&D group survive? I put a lot of effort and emotion into my character and this game is a source of light in my otherwise dismal life and I'd hate to lose it. How can this be reconciled to save the game? Nay, my soul from falling into oblivion.

Should I convince Sam to blow the DM to make it even? What the hell? Should I fuck Sam's mom to create some sort of balance in the ying-yang of it all? Help, I'm spiraling for my Minotaur battle master didn't deserve this. Yours faithfully, Corbo. Well, I don't fully understand the specific drama, but I guess the question is, can a D&D group survive such real world turmoil? No, no, no chance.

No way. No, and there's actually nothing you can do. What happened when you and Caldwell hooked up? Did that sour the group for a few weeks? Yeah, it made things awkward at the table, but at least we weren't playing with anyone Caldwell was married to. That's the issue here. The dynamic is done, you're screwed, it's off, it's over and the quicker you accept

that the easier it's going to be to create a new character for your next campaign. Maybe use this time as a chance to DM. You can be a DM that doesn't get cooked. Interesting. Yeah, how does it work with starting new campaigns? You don't have to make it tied to the old one in a way. You could just be like, all right, I'm going to go over there and play with some other friends in a completely different universe.

Yeah, it's fun. I think rolling new characters is fun. I do recognize that it's hard to put your whole soul into a character and they're leveling up with experience and collecting magic items and getting cooler and cooler weapons and better bonds with the players, but then you have to zoom out and think about that this is two people's marriage and your thing is still a made up minotaur. Perspective's good. It's fun.

I don't know. I remember when my character, I won't say anything that spoils anything, but something happened that I had to play a couple of sessions as a new character. I was scared because I knew my character so well, but then I made somebody new and I actually had a really good time playing as a different PC, so think about that. You will also, of course, have to find new friends, so I mean, that's a bigger issue as well. Yeah, friends, shamans, but it's really about the group.

Can you envision a world where you're playing like one game for the podcast and one game separately or it's like the game is so all consuming that it's too hard to juggle two different jobs? I would definitely play another game if the right friend group was interested. I wouldn't just tap into any game. It's not like, oh, I want to play D&D with whoever will play D&D. It is about the group. You could juggle two, you're saying.

Yeah, I think you could juggle two. You could start a new group as you wait for this ball to drop or the shoe to drop. That's cool. You know what the metaphor is. What about an oops all you go campaign? Instead of like, oh, this person's a minotaur and this one's like a slimy guy and this one's a wizard. It's a world where everyone is you go.

Yeah, exactly. So it's like, I'm you go, you're a go. Yeah. I believe you go was a was you go a gnome or a halfling? A halfling, I think, or maybe it was a no. He was definitely three feet tall and sliming. You go was a balding middle-aged halfling rogue with gold teeth and high heels and created a discord.

Yes. Yes. Exactly. He sewed. He sewed discord. Exactly. Actually, if you really think about it, your friend was a you go, a real life you go of the group.

Oh, interesting. So I was, I came in there as a guy who was trying to ruin shit IRL. Yeah. And then in so doing, if I think you really only need to worry about kicking out the the guys she cheated with from the campaign. If they can get through their, their marital problems, if they can get over that and then get back to the table, it's you them and you get one more person in there and then you don't even have to roll a new character, you know?

That's cool. All right. All right. So there is a way to turn this into a save this group you're saying. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I think that what I'm really saying is that your minotaur is not the priority. And I don't think that it's worth meddling anything.

So like really, you should just keep on playing. Maybe the affair doesn't ever come to life and that's better than you. I guess hooking up with Sam's mom was one of the ideas. Is there a way to like use D&D to try to like save the relationship being like, if I roll a what, like a tolerance roll or something like that, like a forgiveness. Yeah. Good role. Yeah.

So it's like, he rolls a forgiveness. Yeah. A persuasion check with extreme disadvantage. Okay. So it's like, I roll 100 times and take the lowest. Yeah. And that's like, if I still get 15 or above, then you have to forgive me, babe. That's a four.

Shit. Can we call that a practice roll? We only made out. You called the floor. It didn't count. Is that a thing? If the dice falls on the floor, you have to re-roll? I think the dice is falling on the floor before, I think you have to decide, you just have

to decide before you see it. If you say, if it falls on the floor, you don't have to be like, that doesn't count, but you can if you wanted, but like, you can be like, I'm going to use whatever it is and then you can crawl and look. At least that's how I play. But you have to crawl. That's the specific part. You have to crawl and look.

What you can't do is like, roll the dice, look it on the floor. It's a three and then you say, I have to re-roll it fell on the floor because you know that you wouldn't want to re-roll if it was a 20. That's cool. Yeah. No, I get that. That's cool. Yeah.

Yeah. It's actually really cool. Thank you. Let's see it. Let's see you roll fucking right now. Oh, wow. I have my dice right here. You have a lot of dice right next to you.

I was sort of doing like kind of a bit, but yeah, okay. I know that. All right. Yeah. That's an eight, motherfucker. That's not good. That's pretty much the highest you can get on an eight-sided die. Yeah.

How many sides does that die? This one has 20, but you also use a D8 sometimes. Yeah, but you didn't, so don't, you also get a roll of six-sided die. Yeah, I would have been extremely high if I got it. Of course. Can you imagine if I got a fucking eight on a six-sided die? No. It wouldn't happen.

So give it up. Really, actually, give it up. Give it up for that. That's fucking awesome. I don't have to, and I won't. You don't deserve it. Neither does this person. This person doesn't deserve forgiveness, but hopefully you guys can make it work.

For the sake of the group, you got to do it for the sake of the group. All right. That's it. That's our time. First episode of the new decade. We're in. We're out. Wow.

The opening theme song was Jerry House or Hoosh, the Hamilton theme song. This closing one. Let me look at who wrote this closing one while you talk about our Patreon. Yeah, you can check us out, checking ourselves out over at patreon.com. We are making our way through the entire Jake and Amir catalog, every single canon and uncannon episode. We're watching them. We're reacting to them.

And sometimes we're just shooting the shit, answering your questions, your queries. But we're hanging out over there, so check it out. All right. That was perfect. You killed enough time for me to find Eric Novak wrote this song. He'd be surprised if we played it because it's not a Blink-182 cover. But you know what? Let's do a quick cursory search.

Let's do Blink-182. No, we don't all we have to do Blink-182. This is a perfectly fine- Search enema of the state. I don't think so. This is a nice song. We're doing this song. I can look up Cheshire Cat.

We're not looking it up. We already had a cover. It was a Hamilton cover. This is an outro. It's an original, I think, original theme song written, recorded and sent by Eric Novak. So thank you to Eric. Thank you to Jerry. Thank you.

Thank you to you guys for listening. Thank you. We'll be back soon enough, I bet. Maybe next week. Probably. Ciao, everybody. Later. Let's go.

If you played this intro, that's going to be a dirty for you, bud.