If I Were You - 471: Chef Jake

Episode Date: January 18, 2021

In this episode we discuss cooking, cleaning, and Amir's Birthday.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. It's an advice show if I were you. Nice. Whoa, I was really settling in for that. I thought it was going to keep on going. Yeah, he sort of... Why didn't he keep on going? Well, he said that like 30 seconds was probably enough for a theme song since,

you know, there's still the entire episode to go, so he didn't want to do like a full song parody for it. Yeah, but I mean, that was so good. That was like better than our show. So like it really should have kept on going. I mean, I guess I could play it again or something. No, no, no, no. You don't need to have to play it again.

Like it needs to go on. We need to hit the chorus. We need to hit the bridge. We need more verses. You can't just like loop that. Do you know what that... Do you know what the song it is? Yeah, it's on the tip of my dick,

but I don't know the actual... Yeah. It's like I know the song, but I don't know anything about the song. Yeah, I can hear it really well. It's the song that starts with like... Far away. Oh, I don't want to lose your love tonight.

Yeah, so it's called Your Love by the Outfield. Nice. Great song. What a jam. Yeah, I've never even heard of the Outfield, but I really know that song and I like it. Yeah, what a famous song for me not to know how it goes or who sings it,

but it's like instantly recognizable. Yeah, like it could have been like a 90s song, a 2000 song, an 80s song. I guess it came out in... It's gotta be 84, 85. Yeah, close. Wow. All right, cool.

Yeah. Well, that parody was written by Anderson Reagan, who's been watching us since 2009. If you could shout out my new project, Acid Goth. I've just released an album called Rapid Exponential Growth Machine streaming everywhere.

Thanks so much and nothing but love. All right. Interesting. P.S., my pronouns are they, them. Oh, shoot. I don't know if I read that too late. I don't know if we refer to... I mean, I think you do.

Okay, so they are releasing a new project called Acid Goth, and it's called Rapid Exponential Growth Machine. So there you have it. I guess... Thank you, Anderson Reagan. Yeah, people don't know that you read these emails for the first time live on the day. I think they imagine that you would like...

Yeah. You know, take that in, internalize it, then present the information. But oftentimes... No. Yeah. You're reading it the first time on the hearing. It's a little more haphazard.

Yes. So I apologize to them now that I know. So there we have it. All right, this is a Thursday record, January 14th episode comes out. January 18th, Jake, do you know why that date is so specifically special to me? January 18th, this is a Monday episode,

a very special episode. Why do you think that is? It's MLK Day. January 18th. MLK Day, yes. Yes. Yeah, important. But why specifically that date to me?

Is it so good for me to have it, that date, to have it come out? It's like a gift to me, almost. Man. That 118. 118. Like, how August 5th is a big day for you. I was going to say, yeah, August 5th,

it's close to my half birthday. Is my half birthday January 5th or February 5th? February. All right. So this is like specifically... It's cool, it's in between... I'm talking about... The two dates that I thought my half birthday...

And I'm not talking about my half or anything. I'm talking about, like, what's that... What's 118, 83? That big day for me. 118. My birthday, that's right. That was the day you were born. And as it...

It's like the anniversary of it. And so when it's my birthday... The day that you were born. I know you didn't think that far ahead, but I'm sure you have some special little things pepper throughout this episode to make it feel like it's a special day for me. I hope you're not, like, projecting the idea that I'm

going to have birthday gifts for you throughout the episode when it was pretty clear just now that I didn't even know that it was your birthday. So we're recording. It's pretty clear. Your expectations should be rock bottom for me to do anything for me. Okay, I'll keep them rock bottom.

I mean, don't wink. Especially not like that. Especially don't... You're blinking and crying. You don't need to frown when you wink. It's just an eye movement. All right, we'll call that the first gift, a little tip. Let's check about how to blink, which I appreciate,

but obviously I want other things too. As long as that could be the gifts, I'll give you... I'll give you tips and advice throughout the episode. As a gift from me to you, you should get Invisalign or something because your teeth are really bad, is all I was going to say. Yeah, like Invisalign. You got me something like...

No, it's the advice that you should have veneers because your mouth and your smile is bad. And I would wonder, and actually this is why it's a pretty good gift to tell you to get veneers, I think that if you had veneers, your voice would be better because your voice is bad. If you could shave and file your teeth down to tiny little points and then the dentist locks in...

Well, I might get sick if I go to a dentist right now. It would be worth it. If the dentist would lock in false teeth in your gums, you would have a better mouth and a better smile and maybe a better voice because as it stands, that stuff about you is all really bad. So happy birthday and that's just a friendly tip that you get to unwrap live on the episode,

which is pretty neat. Yeah, whoa, that threw me for a loop, but let's see if I can... Fuck, I need to hear that. I know it's a pretty cool gift because you look up to me and you admire me and I'm giving you some real advice about how to make yourself. And I do appreciate your honesty.

I thought you would give me... Sorry, I was just going to say not outwardly ugly. Thought you'd get me a watch. Thought you'd get me a watch. Don't believe me, just watch. Hey, hey, hey. But what you did was insult my teeth and my voice. Don't believe me, wrist watch.

Don't believe my wrist watch. Because it's broken? Right, twice a day. All right, you know what? Let's soldier on. This is, after all, an advice show, a podcast. The only advice podcast on the web still hosted by us. I'm Amir. I am Jake.

Do you know how old I'm turning? Are you turning 38? That's correct, the big 38. 38? Wow, how does that one feel? Pretty fine, 39 will be pretty bad. And if at 40 we're still doing the podcast, I think that's it for me personally. That will have meant I haven't done what I need to do

in this arena and I will have... It's time to call it quits as a comedy person, a creative, and as a man, man. So you're giving yourself the deadline of this Monday to accomplish everything you want to? No, age 40. I have two years to sort of... Oh, 40, 40. Get out of here.

I see. You give yourself the 40. And then by 40, yeah, if I'm still doing it, I will be a boy. I think I will be a boy if I don't do that by 40, 41. Excuse me. If I really think I'll just spend my 40s as a fucking child, I'll just call it quits.

And I think I will. I think I'll just move somewhere and hire a fucking actor to play my daddy and a child actor to play my kid's sister. And I will just live off my life paying people until I'm a little boy and I'm dead. I really think I will. Then I don't even want you to try to stop me.

I wouldn't make it as a comedy writer or performer. By 40, your job will be to pay people to act as your family and you'll be a boy. That wouldn't be a job. That's giving other people a job. You would be an eccentric and you don't have the cash for it. I think for as long as I have money until it's gone, I will pay people to boy me that decade.

And then at the end of it, I will get like some sort of... What accident to happen to me? I gotta say, man, I really hope it doesn't happen for you because I think the rest of your life has a boy and then dying in an accident hopefully soon after. That sounds like about right, you know? I think for your plan B to be a boy? Plan boy, yeah.

We're calling it plan boy. I will be plan buoyant and I will be 11 until I'm gone at age 40. I didn't want to know how old you were going to be. 11's a weird one. It's a really bad in between. I don't really remember. Yeah, I don't remember 11, so I'm just going to do it again until I'm done with that as it were. Yeah, and then you'll be dead by accident.

Exactly. I'll choke on a corn or something. We'll figure it out. As any boy will do. Oh, this one is actually written by not an 11-year-old lady but a 21-year-old lady. So 10 years older than me as a boy, as a lady. Do we have a 21-year-old's lady name? Do you know any 21-year-olds anymore?

Jeff is the youngest guy we know. Yeah, and even he's 23. Wow. Old as hell. It's funny to imagine he could have like a 12-year-old sister. Jesus. Yeah, that's crazy. Okay.

So let's just assume it's Jeffrey but a woman at age 21. Jerry. Yeah, with a G. Right. So first off, for context, I'm a lady, 21, and recently moved into a house with two guys who are absolutely wonderful except for this one little thing. They piss on the floor all around the toilet,

so much so that when I go to use it, I have to stretch my legs out completely so as to not get pee-pee on my feet. I don't know how to bring this up to them as they are 19 and honestly probably don't even notice the revolting acts. Also, judging by the unreal amount of fish sticks being consumed in our household, I think this is the first time they're living away from their parents.

Do I have a family meeting? Leave a sticky note on the toilet or put down a drop cloth? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Cheers. Love. Jerry. Jerry. What's your, what are your P habits?

You're a leave the seat up, leave piss on the rim type guy. Isn't that right? Yeah, when we lived together, I would just sort of spray it down as it were and if the next person wanted to deal with it on the day, they can sort of figure that out themselves. You would sprinkle whilst you tinkled, for sure. And yeah, why do you think that is?

Actually, I have pretty poor aim when it comes to toilet seats. Is that because your penis is so... I was just going to say, is it because it's so close to your body in the way that it's like... I don't think so. I think I have a really long hog and I don't want to get it wet. You have a short dog. I have a small little dick.

You have a little nub that's hard to aim it. The hole is almost... Yeah, it's hard to aim it down. The hole feels like a shower nozzle. It's like it sprays. It's almost like a nipple. Yeah, I was going to say, it's almost like a nipple. How could you angle that down?

I don't pee as much as I glee if that makes sense. That's all. Instead of a stream, it's almost like a little cobra strike. Like I have no aim whatsoever. It goes every which way but down. And it hisses out of you. It looks like I'm pissing and... Yeah.

It feels like I'm peeing in zero G the way it just floats almost aimlessly. Bounce off the wall right onto your chest. Yeah, I've seen it before. Actually, I do have bad aim and that's why I prefer to just sit down when I pee. Because I'm like, I don't want to lift the seat because then I'm touching it. I don't want to try to thread the needle with the seat down because I'm invariably going to get some on the seat. I'm just going to take a seat, look at my phone, pee, get up, get out, leave the room. Yeah, and I lift the seat but I kick it up.

I do it with my foot, even at home. Kick it up and then kick it down? Yeah. Yeah. But it seems like it's harder than sitting. Why not just take a seat? I think it's harder to take your pants off and put them back on. I mean, sometimes if I'm in like sweats, I can do that, whip them down, sit and look at my phone, stand up.

But if I'm wearing regular pants today, I'm not going to put them around my ankles just for a piss. I piss too often for that to be an option for me. That's true. I pee a lot. Yeah. You have a high quantity and I really have a high quality. My piss is just like once a day but it's orange. It's the perfect, everyone says it's the perfect piss.

It's been analyzed by a lot of people I heard. To a tee. It was the perfect urination for everything. Everyone said it's the perfect piss. To a pee. To a pee. I think that guys having bad pissing habits is just enough of a cultural touchstone that it's not even an uncomfortable conversation to have with these guys. It's not like you have to be like, hey, your breath smells really bad or you left a skid mark on the back of the seat, which is really gross.

It's like, I'm living with guys, you guys are pissing on the floor, you're pissing on the seat, that's not going to stand. They're going to have this conversation at some point in their lives. Eventually, someone will yell at them, whether it's you, another roommate, whether it's a significant other someday, it's going to happen. So you might as well break the seal and just be like, this cannot stand. And you cannot stand anymore. You should almost require them to do my special, which is the sit and pee. And you can take the door off the hinges so you can watch to make sure that they're sitting while they pee. Or a ring camera or something, and a taser on a rope.

It seems like if they're missing the seat entirely, it's landing on the floor, that's next level, that's egregious. I can understand lifting the seat and leaving some on the rim that happens to get there. There's a lot of ways to make a mess. Even on the floor. If you have too strong of a stream, it can splash out. I mean, you really, even when you lift the seat, you'll often have to wipe. But I think that at the very least, one of the nicer things about lifting the seat is if there's like the tiniest little dribbles, you can be like, I'm going to get those when they accumulate.

You lower the seat and that'll cover them up because no lady you live with is lifting the seat. That's just for your private little viewing area. So what's your success rate with regards to having to wipe after? Is that happening 20% of the time, 50% of the time? I think probably maybe 10 to 15% of the time. It's low. And usually when it happens is when I have to pee really bad and I'm like sort of starting to pee when I take my dick out. And it like, I've been in a situation where the spray was bad.

Where it was like, I needed to... It wasn't true. I've pissed on a wall before. Yeah, it starts off errant and then sort of it zeroes in on the toilet as you pee. The real word, like if you're lucky, you could do like a casual like roll a toilet paper, you wipe the seat, you wash your hands. No big deal. It's really no big deal. I've looked at my phone and realized I was pissing against the rim like splashing like puddling on the floor.

Yeah, because you're so fucking engrossed. You're like on parlor pissing and it's like, it's not even hitting the toilet. It doesn't make a noise because you're hitting the toilet paper. It's hard to plan a coup and also pee true at the same time. It's art to coup while poo. So you have to like focus on one thing or the other. Yeah, I took a number of coup. That's when I plan to storm the Capitol while having diarrhea at the same time.

Did you notice the detail that you left in where it said the amount of fish sticks being consumed in the household? This is their first time living with their parents. Oh, interesting. Yeah. I recently, I had fish sticks. I want to say maybe for the first time in my life recently. And like frozen ones? Yeah, frozen little fish. They weren't stick.

They're almost like nuggets because I didn't really eat fish growing up. Right. But my parents had random frozen food and I was like, just take the stuff. I'm never going to get to it. And one of it was frozen fish nuggets and I tried it the other day because now I'm eating fish, but I'm an adult so I rarely get the fish nuggets. I still can't get fully behind it because my brain is still expecting chicken. And it just tastes like spoiled chicken nuggets almost.

It's hard for me to get behind the filet of fish of it all. There's a weird little tang to them. I can get into it, but like it's a little weird. I'll tell you what though. I made some homemade fish sticks like a fish chips style fish stick. And you were battering, frying and doing all that stuff yourself. Yeah. Yeah.

It was delicious. That was good. What fish did you use? I used a cod. I believe it was a cod. Oh my God, it was a cod. Or it might have been a cake for goodness sake. Did you deep fry it or bake it?

I baked this one. So it was like egg yolk bread crumbs, maybe a little flour. It was almost like a schnitzel. I don't know if there was flour if we just baked it. I think it was just egg yolk and bread crumbs. Yeah, like breaded and then baked them. And then how'd you make the chips of it all or did you not? I didn't do chips with it.

We did not do chips. In fact, I cannot quite remember what the side was. It might have been. No, I don't know. I can't remember. It was over the summer. I've caught you in a lie, haven't I? You didn't have the fish.

I did. You didn't have the chips. No, Jake. It was snapper. I knew you had that thing. It was snapper. And we actually did use bread crumbs. We used grits crackers.

We used bread cracers. And you had corn. Why did I try to lie? I knew I couldn't get away with it. I almost got away with it. I have every. I was this close. I have all your meals.

Anyway, should this lady bring it up to her male roommates? I'm not asking about the side. The sauce. Sauce. I should have known. Yeah, I think you bring it up. And you can bring it up casually. And you could just be like, you guys are pissing on the floor.

The thing is, they're making the transgression. It's not. It shouldn't be hard to talk to somebody about correcting their behavior when it's thoughtless like this. Yeah. 19 year old dudes. They don't give a shit. You can't offend them.

Just let them know this is fucking gross. Right. You are. Your feet are firmly planted on the right side of history here. What's the alternative? They're like, it's okay to piss on the floor. I wonder if this. You don't have to worry.

I would bet this 21 year old lady didn't have any brothers growing up because she's like afraid to how to talk to these monsters, these little monsters. So feel free to talk to them and let us know if you have any brothers if I was right about that. Yeah. By the way, also if you know that any of them have sisters or moms that are around, you can bet that they've heard this about the piss on the floor before. So it's not even like you'll be like giving them a big reality check.

Right. Just be like, I live on my own now. I can piss wherever I want. But they'll come around. They'll come around. All right. Cool. Let's take a break.

Thanks some sponsors and we'll be back on the other side of these messages. Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office. So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it. If you need to sell products online, stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major

marketplace and shopping cart running a business isn't cheap. So stamps.com has huge carrier discounts. We're talking up to 84% off USPS and UPS rates. Holy smokes. And for 25 years stamps.com has been indispensable for over one million businesses. So if one million businesses can trust stamps.com, certainly you can too. Set your business up for success with stamps.com today. Just sign up with promo code if I were you for a special offer that includes a four week

trial plus free postage and free digital scale. Wow. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah. Not just father's day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents.

Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice.

Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that.

Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Really smokes. And we let her know with an Aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. That's a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame.

Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is.

Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something.

All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift through the fire.

Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Yeah. Yeah, I do. You want to know something I started doing recently? Ooh. Yes? I am a chef now.

Really? Yeah. I didn't just start cooking. I started becoming a chef. And so the difference between those two is what? Like I cooked before when I had to when I felt like it's really my turn. Like, and I'd just throw a bunch of like, you know, you make a stir fry or something. Like, kept it easy.

Yeah. A bunch of vegetables, some sauce. That's it. The easy, easy stuff that you really can't mess up. Toss like a. Eggs, hot dogs. Yeah. Easy.

An egg and a microwave. A veggie burger. Well, yeah. Try to step it up slightly more than like, if it was just me. Yeah. I used like, when I was living on my own, I would just like eat Annie's macaroni and cheese with Doritos as a spoon. Like that shit.

That was the goat. But then like a couple months, maybe like a month and a half ago, I was like talking to my, my brother and Jill and like over a quarantine, I just like really, really like lost my desire to cook. Like if it were up to me, I'd like rather just order food. Jill likes cooking. So she would like most of the time cook like everything and I'd be recording whatever. But then I was like talking to them.

I was like, you know what? I think I'm just like, the cooking's not me. I don't like it. I'm not going to do it. Like if it's my, like if Jill doesn't want to cook, like I'll happily order us food and everybody got kind of like sad at me because I guess, wait, who got sad at you? I'm like, who got sad at me? Jill got sad at me.

Everybody was sort of like, well, cooking's not, it's like, you know, it's not just about like your pleasure. It's like providing for other people. You're on the Domino's app. Yeah, no, for sure. Did you guys want sausage and mushroom or? I was really thinking of it almost as like, you know that Pete Holmes joke where he's just like, I'm like old enough to admit that I don't like museums.

It was kind of like that. Right. It's like, you know what? Yeah, it's like, you know what? I tried it. I'm now in my 30s. I could be an adult and just say, I prefer takeout. Yeah.

And I really did at the time think that that was fine. But as I've been cooking, I've one realized at the time this is like November. This is like six weeks ago. Right. And like, I'm not saying I don't do anything. Like I when, when Jill would cook, like I'll do some sous chef stuff. I definitely always cleaned every single dish that she didn't wash while she's cooking because she's kind of like good like that.

But for the most, I'm not saying I was, I would like, you know, like a 50s dad, like I expect dinner on the table or whatever. Right. But I just, you would just not be in charge. Yeah. And I wanted as little to do with it as was like, could reasonably be allowed. And like, if there was any other chore or task to be done in the house, like if Jill's cooking, I'm like, oh, I'll do the laundry.

I'll do, I'll like run an errand for us. Like I just don't want to do it. Anyway. So everyone got sad at me after that conversation. And I like how you say everyone got sad at like where they mad and you're just trying to soften it or disappointed in me. Like it was like just like a low energy. Like, yeah, like that sucks, Jake.

And I'm like, and I'm taking the position of like, oh, no, it's not that bad. It's like, I'll try to do other stuff. And they're like, yeah, like cooking is like, it's like a generous thing to do. Like, and you're saying you don't want to do it. Like, all right. So, so I internalized that. I let it lie. And it's like how some people show love is to like feed others and you're just sort

of like drooling while playing a Nintendo switch being like, yeah, yeah, whatever. That's exactly right. I don't get it, but fine. That's exactly right. Yeah. So then, then I started, this was like over Christmas and I was like, I was watching, I was watching parts unknown with Anthony Bourdain, which I've never seen before. Of course, yeah.

Never. Obviously, it's a universally beloved show. Adored. Yeah. Yeah. And with, for good reasons. So my other unsolicited advice, even if you're not interested in being a chef like me, just like watching the show, it's incredible.

It's so good. I think you, I think it came up a bit last week or the week before that you were watching that show. Oh yeah. I call it Tony. I was like, I'm going to watch Tony. I love him. He's such a good guy.

What a man. Yeah. Sad that he took his life now. Yeah. After the fact. Yeah. It's kind of, it's similar to when I was in like seventh grade, like loving Nirvana, like two years after Kurt Cobain had like killed himself.

I was like, yeah, this band's awesome. I wonder when they're like their new CD is going to drop and my sister was like, he's dead. I was like, no, what? Finding out two years later. So yeah. So I was watching Tony and he was in Mozambique and he was like cooking this or like they were cooking this chicken and it just looked really good.

So I was like, sort of feeling inspired. And then I, and then I was like, you know what, I'm going to like, I just like had the vision of a meal in my head and I made, I made macaroni and cheese and salmon using a friend of my mom's Doritos. I mean, it was pretty childish, but it came out really well and everybody, I think because I had like recently said I was, I wasn't into cooking and because I never do it and because it came out like, it came out pretty good, but everybody was just so, so supportive, like extra, like this is really good.

Everyone was really proud of me from Saturday to proud of me. And it made me feel. Did you like look up a recipe and go to the grocery store? You're like, I, we have this shit. Let me just make it. We had everything and it was like my mom's friends who, my mom's friend's recipe who like bakes, everybody like loves Claudia's baked macaroni and cheese. And so I just like texted my mom, I got the, I got the recipe.

I added my own, two of my own ingredients, which were, I think it was sriracha and salt Doritos, but it came out really well and I just like had a really nice time doing it. Like had a glass of wine. I listened to some music and this story is getting really long, but I'll, I'll finish it up with this next part. So I was like still glowing from that. And then I was talking to one of my other sisters who her and her boyfriend play like this game every week.

She has a globe at her house and they spin the globe, put their finger on the globe and wherever they land, they cook a meal of like that country's cuisine. Wow. So I like was texting with her about the mac and cheese. I asked her what country she had spun, they, she had spun Indonesia. So then the next week I just like made some Indonesian food while Joe was on calls and it came out really good. And I had a, again, had a great time.

I like, and then how do you make Indonesian food? Like you have to specifically order some shit for that. Well, thankfully, Jill's parents are thankfully the turkey sandwiches in Indonesia. So like that counts. And I had like a burger king there. No, I'm learning all sorts of shit about Bali. Like they have a Denny's. Jill's parents are gone from New York.

So her and I are staying at their place. And they just have everything. Yeah. She's her mom, like went to culinary school. So they have, I was like, Oh, wow. I was like, do you guys have, I forget the exact spot. Like they just, they had every single spice that I could possibly need. We didn't have to shop for anything.

So then that started you off on a journey of culinary adventures. And now you're still in the thick of it. Yeah. Last week I made a chicken tikka masala French fries, my own recipe. What, how, so those are fries, but with the curry sauce. That's right. Yeah. It was based on a restaurant and how'd you make fries?

I, I peeled a potato. I cut it into fry shapes. Yeah. I soaked those French fries in water overnight. Wow. The next day, I think I tossed them with some spices. I filled up a pot with vegetable oil. Whoa.

I brought that. You deep fried. Oh my God, the trick there, I'll tell you, was you toss in the fries, you let, you let them cook for about five minutes, then you remove them, doing that in batches. And then you do it again. So the first time they're kind of just double fried, they're cooking. Yeah. That the twice fried potato.

And then over that I put the chicken tikka masala and it came out great. Almost like an Indian poutine of sorts. Yeah. Exactly. Um, which is there's a restaurant in Los Angeles called bottom. Mosh that does chicken tikka masala poutine, but I took out the, the cheese and the gravy because it just seemed like it was a little much. So you're making, is it an everyday thing?

Is it like a once a week thing? What's your cadence now? Every once a week, I make something that's like a little more, um, ambitious. And then like the other with, with my, uh, Indonesian leftovers, I like made a stir fry with eggs on it. That's like the clack, the old classic meal. Um, yeah, just heat it up and add an egg, throw it in a bowl and eat it. But as I am learning, it's like, I can, it's, it's a little easier for me to just

like do something. I like feel more comfortable. And also I think cooking used to be, I have only been doing it for a month, but like it used to be very stressful because I did it so infrequently that when I did it, I would be like nervous. And now that I've like done it a few times, I'm like, oh, if this comes out bad, that's okay. I'll just cook again tomorrow.

Oh wow. So it's that frequent. You'll, you'll go back to back if necessary. Yeah. Yeah, I'll go back to back if necessary. Um, do you have photos? Are you cataloging this journey of yours? Uh, yeah, I'll send you, I'm going to send you a photo of my, um, of my

indian. Wow. Okay. And then since you're doing the cooking now, has it switched to Jill cleaning the dishes now? So that's, that's my favorite part of, uh, cooking food is that somebody else has to clean up. Yeah.

It's, which is incredible. Like, um, cause you'll leave a fucking destruction in your wake. You're not like considered about that part either. So like there's an upside down pan on the floor and you have to say like, oh, I guess you have to pick it up and it's still really hot. Yeah. I don't even put them in the sink. I don't rinse anything.

Um, yeah, it's, I'm a tornado for sure. For sure. Wow. How are you getting these, these plating ideas? Like that half the, the dome of rice looks like you have to do it very specifically. Like you're following a very specific recipe or photo. Uh, that's right. It was, let me see if I can, that's, that's quite rice.

Um, I want to see if I can find the recipe. Wow. This looks good. The, that's, that's chicken thighs. I take it. That looks like. Yeah. Yeah.

Dark meat, boneless skinless, right? Boneless skinless chicken thighs. I went with the chicken thighs instead of the, uh, chicken breast. Cause they're, yeah, like, I just liked the way they, they taste a little bit better. Yeah. Um, that's good. Yeah. I think I, I got the, like, there, that was a, some specific rice dish where they

usually shape the rice in like a cone with a banana leaf. Um, and I didn't have one, but I, but I did just, I made a little like sand castle with the rice. So. Wow. That was legit. Yeah. And salon, is that parsley?

Yeah. Cilantro, which I literally just found out cilantro and parsley and coriander are all, all are all the same thing. Truly, uh, you know, every day. No, parsley and cilantro are two different things. They have. I'm looking, I, my Google search right now before we started doing this, uh, is parsley cilantro, coriander, also known as cilantro in North America and parsley are herbs from

the same botanical fam, botanical family, apiache. Oh, interesting. So they, they're like, they're sort of their cousins, but they got to taste differently. Like I've had parsley. I've had cilantro. They're not the same thing. I look, I, I, this is my text to Jill. I said, is it, do we have cilantro?

She said, yes. And I said, is it the same as parsley? She says, it's cilantro. And I said, really? And then she said, don't gaslight. We got to get to the bottom of this next week. I have to figure it out, but these sticks look pretty cool. How you skewered them and they look like some sort of matrix on a baking sheet.

Wow. Yeah, that's right. I said, we skewered the chicken for the tikka masala. Any, uh, any horror stories? Like, did anything come out like underdone or food poison chic or you burnt it by accident? Not so far, none of these have come out bad, which is really kind of crazy. But there was a time every single time as I'm cooking these, where I think it's ruined, where I'm like, oh, this is like, this is going to be awful.

But I like, it's always worked out. That's good. Wow. So they went from, yeah. Oh, no, go ahead. I was going to say, they went from being sad for you to glad for you, really, because now they get to, they sort of guilted you into being their private chef. It seems.

Yeah. And I enjoy it. I really do. I feel like that, I feel like that I feel happy of myself, kid. It's so weird to be 35 and happy of yourself, but everybody was so happy. Everybody enjoyed the food so much that it really made me glad of myself on the day. You got to start growing your own herbs now. A window garden.

Start trimming the basil, the parsley slash coriander slash cilantro. That could be the next step. As soon as I know what the difference between all the spices are. I mean, Jesus, yeah, we actually got a question about cooking and cleaning. So let's see if we can answer it now that we know you're an expert at one of them. Yeah. OK, here we go. This is from, I think, a lady.

Yes. OK. I don't know. It's a dude. We'll call this guy Tony. Shout out to Tony. Right. OK, I have a little problem that's actually grinding my gears.

My girlfriend and I have been living together for a hot minute now and almost everything is great. The only problem is ever since COVID, I've been responsible for virtually every household chore. Yes, I do the cooking. Yes, I do the cleaning. That's a song that's viral on TikTok. To be fair, I am currently unemployed because I was a bartender and she is still working. But does that mean it's fair for you and yours truly to do every chore around the house? How do I bring this up to her?

Should I bring this up to her? Will she resent me for forcing her to do chores, even though I'm basically on 24 seven? I'm going a little crazy as evident by me literally emailing a chipmunk. If you if you were me, what would you guys do? Love you and be nicer to Jeffrey. Hmm. Yeah, you got to bring it up. You got to bring it up just because your girlfriend has a job doesn't mean that she doesn't have to do chores.

Like pre-pandemic, when you were a bartender, you guys probably split things up, I imagine. So yeah, but now he's now she's coming home. She worked all day and then he's like, all right, I'll cook, but you still have to clean. And she's like, maybe I did work all day and you didn't work all day. So if you cook and clean, it's still eight hours for me and two hours for you. Yeah, but it's like whatever. Yeah, I guess it's like cooking is one thing. But it's not like she has a job so gets and she gets to like inherit like a maid that that's going to cook, clean, do the laundry, you know, do all of the housework.

It's just it ain't right. And everybody's going through their own like, you know, you're dealing with your mental health during this time as well. So I don't think that you can like shovel all that work on somebody. Yeah, it's also the resentment. Like once you start passive aggressively cleaning that festers, that grows, that's anger. Yeah, so but how do you bring it up? Hey, by the way, if I cook. Well, that's it.

But that's a good point. Like you can't let the anger, you can't let that stuff go to a boil before sharing it with somebody because then it's like you go in too hot to an argument to be to be like to reach your breaking point and then be like, you never do anything. I'm fed up is a lot worse than just like talking about this stuff when it's when it's when the heat's just getting turned up when it's just on its way to a simmer to extend the cooking metaphor. You got to be like, hey, I'm getting irked by how much stuff I'm doing. I'm at my fucking wit's end here, you know. Yeah, you can't. Yeah, like you said, you can't let it sit, percolate and explode like a volcano. Right.

So, I mean, I definitely think you address it and address it as, you know, at its at its base, which is that you want some help with the with the household chores and stuff, not not like I'm fed up with you not doing jack shit around here because she's also dealing with with stuff probably at work. She might be stressed out too. Nobody's having an easy time. So you're saying it is fair to bring it up and you should do so before it's too late. Yeah, pure heart rule. You can bring it up, but just all you can expect is that you can say the way you feel without projecting any of the things that she's feeling when she's not doing the work. You can't be like, you have it so fucking easy, you know, not like that. Yeah.

You know, what's what's good for cooking? And I've recommended this to you before. Is tick tock. There's a whole subsection of chefs on tick tock that makes it show you how to make it. And it's stuff that you would never even dream about. I, I, I remember in my brief foray into tick tock. Chef tick tock and like fitness and like stretching tick tock. We're all part of my, my feed.

But the dumb thing about this is that it all just happens so fast. It's like, spice, spice, spice, boil butter over the noodles. And it's just like, that's not how cooking actually is. Like I could never watch a tick tock and be like, I get how this works now. It's, it's too, it's too quick. I need to look, you know, I might have like some kind of like ADHD or something, but I need to like look at the written directions, maybe at least a dozen times as I'm cooking.

I think it's just like, I'm like learning all of the, the words right now. Still maybe someday when I'm like comfortable enough in the kitchen, I would be able to watch a tick tock video and be like, Oh, cool. That's a good idea. I can take that. But right now I still need like this step by step directions. Yeah. And they do do step by step directions, but you're right.

It goes by really fast. So you have to like watch this 30 second video on repeat. I wish you could pause it. We've tried to make some of the stuff. Yeah, you can't pause. Yeah, that's what I want to be like. Okay, that's the step that I'm on. Pause and then finish that play.

But you have to just like watch the same fucking loop. But you say you've tried. Yeah, we've made some stuff that's like, Oh, I didn't think about that. I'm trying to think about like the lot. It's usually like Asian cuisine that we don't necessarily ever consider making. But then it requires us to like order like fish sauce and spices that we never even heard of. And now we have extras and it's like, OK, now we can make some more.

But there's been some good ones on there, desserts too. Yeah, building up like a spice cabinet and like the just like those those pantry items that you need to cook different types of cuisine, because like really it's all the same every everybody like every like recipe that I've looked at is like no one likes rice more than this ethnic group. And it's just like every every culture has their rice. You know, it's just yeah, we all like rice. Everyone likes sometimes it's just the different spices in the rice is

but like I like spice. I was I'm like looking at a Brazilian recipe today. It's like, oh, we Brazilians love rice. And and then the way they cook it is the exact same way as the Indian rice recipe that I was cooking last week, except with no turmeric. I'm like, oh, all right. Yeah. Yeah. Or the grain is different. Long rice versus short rice versus rice noodles.

That's right. That's rice. That's right. All right. Cool. Talk to talk to your partner. I think the the answer to both of these questions today have been talk to the person that's making you upset. That's the quick and easy answer to most of the stuff. Yeah. And you're not crazy for being annoyed by these things. No, yeah, it's perfectly valid.

We approve. We decree that it's normal for you to be upset. So you don't have to worry about you being the crazy one. All right. The the opening theme song was written by Anderson. Yes, Anderson. And this closing theme song is written by Oosh, Oof, Oof, Oof. I wrote it down and everything.

Annie. So thank you to Anderson and thank you to Annie. And if you have your own questions or theme songs, send them to if I were you show at gmail.com. And we're still making weekly videos on our Patreon, watching old videos, reading some old scripts that we never shot, answering your questions, going over New Year's resolutions. There's something for everybody. That's right. We just watched breakfast and breakfast date part.

Yeah, wait, is breakfast part two breakfast date? Either way, an all time in all time. Great. Yeah. Where I have a humming noise coming out of my nose for some reason. Like my nose emits a humming noise. That's patreon.com slash J.A. We just crossed 4500 patrons. So join the party before it's too late.

Come on. Annie writes, this is a parody of Stand Out from the Disney film, a goofy movie inspired by Ben Schwartz when he was on the show and kept playing this song from this movie. Huge fan, plug my Instagram. A to there to the Z. What the heck? A to the R to the Z.

Holy cow. How? I don't know how to say that any quickly or more succinctly, but hopefully you guys are writing that down. Hope you like it. Thank you to Annie. Thank you to Anderson. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week.

Ciao. Bye. I'm admitting to it. I want to drink out of a fucking toilet. Welcome to if I were you. The only podcast by these two. It's the only one they host. So you better tell everyone that you know. Check out another golden mic in hand.

Throw up near another turdy where he stands. Jeffrey James is there and he's fine, I guess. I think it would be better if he was on the rest. Riley Ansper on the review, review. Take Jeff away from here with you. But that's a different head gum show right now. We're on if I were you. Show.

Why are we like turning this into like this huge fucking witch hunt, this witch hoax. It's not a hoax. You were saying that you're drinking out of a toilet. You said you're bobbin' for nectarine. What's a fucking witch hoax? Never do I have a witch hoax. If I were you, it's drinking to me.

You want to listen or break me up? And send your questions to these two? And ask them what they would do? Hope you need some shitty advice. They may have to read your questions twice. You're listening too. If I were you. If I were you.

That was a head gum original.