If I Were You - 475: Growth Spurt

Episode Date: February 15, 2021

In this episode we discuss bad gifts, good weather, and our live show on February 24th! (Tickets at JakeAndAmir.com)Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. Chipmunk went to overbite, bite, but he said that he want the light. Okay, Jake was sort of right. See, you gotta want it. You gotta want it so bad that you hunted. You gotta want it so bad that it's driving you mad. You can't sleep cause you thinking up on it. But keep it to yourself.

You don't want to tell anybody that you think you're in hell. Say you're doing swell. Well, well, well, you don't care about it homie, you will fail. You think that this dude's cruel. Bad rule, bad you. Sad too. Said that you don't want it. Guess what?

That's a half truth. See, Jake and I have kind of heard things. Mermers than you're hurting. You really have got a lot of energy. Gonna wind up with a turdy light. Give em the golden mic. Give em the golden mic. Give em the golden mic.

Give em the golden mic. Give em the golden mic. Give em the golden mic. Chip won't wind up over bike. But he said that he want the light. Okay, Jake was sort of right. Wow. Perfect.

Okay. Incredible. Just bravo. I mean, my God. Really? Yeah. You liked it. You liked it.

Did you? I did. Yeah. What would you say if I told you? It wasn't me. You didn't write it? I didn't write it. Yeah, that would make sense.

I knew you didn't because you don't have... You aren't talented. You're not talented. And I don't even mean just musically. You mean rap-wise. No, I mean in any form, you have no talent. You have no ability. You don't have the...

Give em the golden mic. Give em the golden mic. Chip won't wind up over bike. I just feel bad. I don't really have an over bike. Anyone at home listening can't see that you're also being ugly while you talk. That's kind of crazy. Because like...

That's subjective though. Subjective, objective. That's your opinion. I'm not that ugly if you ask the right women. So my mom says I'm a sex... That actually wasn't bad. That actually was pretty... Really?

Yeah, that's fine. Damn. That's dope actually. Alright, give me a beat. I'll continue it. Yeah. Probably. Alright.

What was it? Subjective. Subjective. If you ask the right women. Yeah, if you ask the right women. I can't even remember the decent rhyme you came up with. I don't think it's cut out. A lot of it is free styling.

It's like, hair today, gone tomorrow if you ask the right women. No, that's not really... That wasn't it. You lost it. I wedged the... Yeah, you took the old thing. Wedged the thing from the old thing. You heard that something kind of worked and you latched on to that.

And you just are going to keep on repeating it. Hoping for the same... Alright, how about this? Accolades. The same outcome. But that's not the way it works. Yeah. How about this?

Let me back into it then. Alright. Well, don't do it again. Just like come up with... I don't like... Yeah. Okay. Were you going to do it?

No, it's fine, whatever. I was going to say, I don't like running. I don't like swimming if you ask the right women or something. But that doesn't... It rhymes, but it's like... You're just recycling. You're just recycling. It's the third time.

Yeah. It's unrelated. It does rhyme, but it's disjointed. Unrelated, unheralded, nasty shit. Now you're doing the thing where you insult yourself ahead of me so it feels like it's not happening. It feels like you're coming up with the word, so it's actually not a blow to your ego, but I want you to know that I think it was bad.

You get... Yeah. I think it's bad. Do you think most people hearing that would side with you? The last two things you tried to do, yes. I think there's a world where somebody liked the initial freestyle because I liked it. So I think there's people out there that would troll my sorry ass to be like, Amir's actually a good rapper, but they'd be wrong to do that.

They'd be goading me into having a reaction, which I wouldn't do because I know in my heart and hearts that you are a talentless hack. I think so. I mean, I could do some shit pretty good, actually, if you ask the right woman. Nice. Yeah, sorry about that. I didn't mean to commandeer the show as it were. But derail the show, have like a rap that made me feel bad for you.

It's fine. The original song, the one that sort of launched a thousand Lisps, if you will, is from this guy who raps under the name KR, KR from Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. Very cool. Love it. If I was going to plug something, it would be that I've released an improv D&D podcast inspired by NADPod called What We Do In The Basement. So check it out on social platforms, WWDI-TV.

Okay. All right. Very cool. Very cool. But easy does it. I'd really hate to seed the throne as it were. Kind of like. Remember?

Yeah. I don't think you don't have to be like scared about that. You're good. Don't worry about it. Just like welcome him with open arms. He's doing something that you inspired. I'm going to keep an eye on it and see if I need to sabotage it from the inside at some point.

Like maybe ask to be a guest and make that and then like so discord on their discord if they have a discord. Remember like two or three weeks ago, we guessed what the temperature was in Winnipeg and you're like, it's pretty cold in New York. It was like 30. So it was like 20 something in Winnipeg and we're like, oh, that's not that cold. But since then there's been a snowstorm, a cold front. So I'm like, I wonder how cold it is in Winnipeg now.

Yeah. And it's negative 13 Fahrenheit with a low of negative 31 Fahrenheit, which, yeah, 31 is that rare point on the negatives where it actually becomes 31 Celsius as well. So like it's so cold that Fahrenheit and Celsius sort of huddled together at like negative 32 and tremble in the cold. That's not good. Yeah. I've been snowing here the last like week kind of kind of like nonstop.

Like I haven't seen the ground in a while. And it's like, is it like, is it magical or is it overstate? It's welcome at this point. It's definitely not magical because there's been some, some like sunny, it's been sunny and cold. So most of the snow has turned to like slush, then it will like refreeze at night. So it's just like that. Oh, it becomes the icey sludge.

Yeah, slushy, nasty. Not. Not fun to look at. Are you well equipped to see? I am well equipped in that when I need to go anywhere, my car has four wheel drive. So that's nice. It's been that's good to be able to get out of parking spots. Like on the boots or your socks getting wet or you're wearing wool socks, thick

boots, dry from the thigh down. I have. I've got wool socks. I've got long underwear. I have thigh high boots. I have those big old fuck me boots. Stilettos and shit. Yeah.

Yeah, you look like a dominatrix or something. I see their red leather. I have a kinky boots on kinky boots, a tutu and apron, rubber gloves, Mickey Mouse ears and a Flava Flav clock medallion. So yeah, I'm pretty good. I'm pretty. Are you are you are you checking the weather? Are you like, I just know it'll be bad until March.

And so there's sunny and really cold and cloudy and not that cold, but it's all not great. No, I check the weather because I like to go on long bike rides when it is above 40 degrees. That's my threshold. If it if it like is in the the mid to high forties, which I've seen like I saw that a month ago, I'll I'll go out there and I'll paint the sidewalk red. I will ride my and there's room for you. Yeah. Oh, wow.

And are there days where it doesn't hit that? And you're like, all right, this is a non 40 degree day. Yeah, I look at like the 10 day forecast. And if it's like, oh, here's a day where it's 45 and not like raining. I'm like, oh, that's a day I'll go on a bike ride. And that hasn't happened for me for a month. So it's not great. All of the days have been a month, sub 30 since, I guess, like the middle of January.

Yeah. And now we just it's just the waiting game for the world to thaw a little bit. Yeah. The excessive cold warning. That's right. I can look at my last. I'm going to look at my last bike ride and I'll tell you when when it was. It was OK. We should say we're recording this on February 11th. This is coming out on February 15th. The last bike ride was drumroll, please.

October 3rd, it went half a mile. I rode to a McDonald's. I went January 22nd, January 22nd. So less than a month ago. Got it. Not terrible, but not great either. Not ideal. It's not ideal. And on the forecast, anything, anything sunny and good enough or are we are we staying cold?

If it's negative 30 in Winnipeg, I don't like your chances. No, yeah, the highest it's getting this week is 36. And even even that day, there's a 50 percent chance of snow. So I don't like the I don't like the odds. Not great. No. Yeah. What's what's the weather? I guess what about where you are? Is it is it cold in LA?

It was a little chilly. Obviously, the numbers are skewed. But today it's nice and sunny. Let me see. It feels like it's. Yeah, it's 72 and sunny. How much time do you spend outside? Like, will you sit in your yard? Yeah, sometimes I'll sit in my yard and I'll like drink an iced coffee or I'll

sit or take a walk around my block. And like, it's like the kind of cold where if you wear a sweatshirt, then like you have to take it off halfway through because it's like hot in the sun. Yeah, although it has been it has been raining occasionally, which has been nice. That's cool. I think that I not like my least least favorite, but I think the kind of weather where you have to wear a sweatshirt, but then get too hot for it is some of the worst.

I think that's oh, really? Yeah, because then you're a little sweaty where you have to and you have to carry a sweatshirt. I like I like the weather to just make a fucking call, you know, be hot. Be like, don't give me 62 because then you can't really go out and just a tea. You have to warm up. Yeah. But then you're wearing a sweatshirt. Suddenly it's 65, 66.

You're in the sun. You're like, this is too hot for a sweatshirt. And it's too it's not just too hot for a sweatshirt. It's too hot to carry a sweatshirt. That becomes like this annoying little chore that you have. I feel like, yeah, how do you do it? Do you tie it over the shoulders? Do you hold it?

Hold it loose in your hand? Sort of a single. Yeah, it's not it's not. Yeah. Do you do the single drape? What's the what's the goat way of carrying a sweatshirt when it's a little too warm out? I hate it. I I truly think the goat way to do it is just have a backpack.

It's not. Oh, interesting. Because like a backpack is like kind of heavy and cumbersome, but at least it's like supposed to be on your back and you can kind of not notice it. I think that like I'll usually tie. I'll usually hold it. Yeah. Hold it. I'll tie it. I'll hold it until I tie it. I don't like to tie it because then it's then you're wearing a hot skirt.

And I don't think that's where where you want to be on like a on a mildly warm day. I don't want to be wearing a fucking a heavy cloth skirt on my ass. That's not good. Yeah, you can wear it across your front like this sort of hoodie. A hoodie meets kilt situation. So it's a zipper near your zipper and it dangles and rips and sort of kisses in front of you.

It leads the way sort of like a flower boy or a little flower girl as it clinks together and announces your arrival to any passersby. It is an usher for you. Yeah, to usher in a new season. And if you ask the right women. Yeah, that would like work. I didn't get how I got right there. Yeah, like you knew it was going to give me the out of boy.

It was a non sequitur. Yeah, now I'm like kind of borderline obsessed with getting that, you know, that like fucking little rush that you get sometimes. And that dopamine you want to find that you will never get that again. What I gave you initially, which was more than you deserved, was the most you would ever get that out of boy. Try not to recreate that because you'll like at this point, you've tried to recreate it, I think, four or five times.

And and it's always fallen short. Yeah, you're going to it seems like you're going to do one Dr. Billion. Even women. Was that funny? You're laughing. But I don't know if it's like a way that makes me small. Yeah, it is.

I was laughing because you looked small just then. That's cool. No, that's funny. All right. Anyway, welcome to the show. This is if I were you. Only advice podcast on the Internet. Almost eight years running now. It's still the only one hosted by us. I'm Amir. I am Jake.

We are not just discussing whether we're answering questions here, people. You found some good cues for us to a. Why don't we switch it up and you read some of these? I'll rest my voice for a little bit and would love to. OK. And yeah, maybe maybe there were a little reversal will let me be funny enough to whatever. I don't want to put it out there, but you you know what? I'm sort of trending towards.

I wonder if there's a world where let's just read it. I don't even want to act like I want it or not because I can't really keep track of how to earn it. Careful. I'm treading so lightly here. But yes. All right. Yeah. Just be careful. I'm treading so lightly. I'm trying politely to ask you if I can have it.

But I will keep it tempered. My expectations, if it comes, it comes, and maybe it will read the fucking questions. Not in a rude way. Excuse me. Being casual, cussing on the podcast. That's yeah, we can bleep it out. All right, we can bleep it out questions. That's editing work. You're cussing on the podcast, cussing us time.

I don't know. I feel like I'm not. I won't. I won't. OK. But you don't make any decisions. I'm not making any decisions. I'm just letting you know. Sorry. Yeah. My dog's barking, by the way. That's not me. OK. That's no further derailment of the show. Kind of lies.

You should let your mailman know when the best time to come is. Do you understand? You. But it's yeah, it's not just OK. It's not just the mail person because like any trick that goes by sort of Luke acts like he's the sheriff, you should wants them to go away. OK, I feel like what the way this makes me feel is that you don't think of the podcast as a priority. I do. And I do. I do.

It's not high on your list of priorities. If you if it's a priority, then you have other priorities that that outrank this. OK, that's what I that's what. Thank you. Thank you. Now, I want to continue and decide on what happens because I feel like this is something that we have to we can't sweep it under the rug. We have to dig in. We have to massage this thing out of here.

I think the podcast is a low priority for you. Even if it is a priority, I think it's low on the list. Do you understand what I'm saying? I do. I do. And. What's up? I was wondering if you feel like you do you feel like I don't agree. Do you feel like you deserve something for for the way you behaved?

I episode I I was wondering if you want to preempt anything by giving yourself something. If you feel if you have to know I and you're I'm just answering your question. I'm not even like trying to get there myself, right? I'm just like whatever about it in a way that's interested in it, but not overdoing it. I think this could be an episode. Where I get the golden mic or not. And like and that's a 30 and that's a 30 and that is a 30.

Yeah. What happened? That's a 30. You called for it. You don't call for it. You don't you don't fucking ask for it like that. I wanted to fucking pass it. Let's cut this part out. Slice up pizza. No, read the read the read the question.

Let's go to ask for it. Say, hey, can I have an award? No, I didn't say that. You're tacky. It's tacky. It's tacky. You sort. Yeah, you're coaxing it. No, no, no, mm-mm. That rub me the wrong way.

I bristle. I think I really bristle at what you've just did. I think so, too. And it kind of felt like you were leading me there. That's why I did. I honestly wanted to go fast. And you said, no, I think we should massage this head of you. Can we just pretend I didn't say anything? Can we just go back to the point where I was like, first question, you go.

And yeah, I don't even want to like. I wonder if we can just cut this part out if that's OK with you. I'll give you another chance. I'll give you another chance. But let's let's try to make the podcast the most important thing of at least the day. OK. Can you do me that? OK. Favorite. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. No dogs barking. And I'm like, yeah, I'm focused on the show and not the hardware. And you make up a you make a good point. Cool. And why don't we just issue all the listeners and apology, a public apology quickly before we move on? All right. We are sorry. Oh, no, no, no, no.

We are because no dogs barking over here. Podcast is a top priority to me. I'm I'm sorry for the. I actually don't even know if it was my dog at this point. It might have been a dog outside, but I'm sorry for having that in there at a certain point. And I won't have it that way again. And I look forward to being relaxed,

offbeat and colorful going forward. I think we we have to go to break before this question. Oh, my God, I accept I accept your apology because we've been we've been recording for a little bit of time. We've got to we've got to go to break. I accept your apology. I hope the listeners accept your apology, unfortunately, because we are having to go to break

because of your long winded apology, which really meandered and stretched on beyond beyond what it needed to. It was fast compared to the set up to it was. No, it mucked up. It was fast compared to what yours and it's resulted. It's result. The outcome of of your of your fumbled apology, I'll say,

is that we have to go to break before we've answered a question. While I accept this apology, I have to give you a tourney because of what you've done. You said you said you said you wanted me to fucking apologize. I did. And then you said, OK, let's start the record clean. But now you're giving me yet another tourney. Do you think you deserve a golden mic for this episode? Or is it still up for grabs?

I can have it, too. I've said this explicitly. I've said it many times. You cannot win a tourney and a golden mic in the same episode. The golden mic has not been awarded, but because you don't even know the fucking rules, it really, it really grinds my gears. It I bristle at it.

I've said it. I've said it before, but I bristle against us. It rubs me the wrong way. And yeah. And if I can be completely frank, I think that you've been you've been a tacky host for. For for, you know, this this episode this week. And and I think me sharing me sharing this and being as open and honest with you as I've been reflects really well on me and I get the golden mic because.

Because of the way that I clearly kind of like prioritized the show and our relationship. Oh, you're not. You're not. You're not. You're like, you don't want to give it to yourself, but you have to almost in a way. That's the attitude here. Like it's not up to you,

but this is just the way the cookie crumbled. You think I don't like to accept the golden mics like this. I think this is no, I love to accept it. It's an honor. I'm chuffed. I'm cheesed. I'm pleased and I'm I'm just really, you know, it's it is it's a joy and a privilege to be able to accept these accolades, these awards. You said, yeah, you said you don't like to accept it like this,

but you're pleased and it's a joy to do it. So you do like it. I don't know. I don't I don't like I don't like when I have to win them because of something that you fucked up. Like, I like to earn them. I don't like I don't like them to fall in my lap by default, but I'm not going to I get it.

I'm not going to disrespect them. I get it. I get it. You get it. Yeah. Sorry. Whatever. Let's just fucking take a break. This is so stupid. I I honestly don't even care anymore. You're sure? And that's that's the kind of like whatever attitude I feel like

you sometimes have that gets you the award. So you want to whatever, who gives a shit? Do you think? I'm about to give you another 30 for not giving a shit. We'll be right back. We'll be right back to take a break. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably

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You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you Stamps.com for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow, that's correct.

I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah, for me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child.

We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice.

Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole.

This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God.

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement.

So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message

that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames.

There it is. Oh, wow, this is timely. The deal ends on June 18th, so don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A-Frames.com. OK, go get your parents something, all right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you, Aura.

And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we are back. All right, no one solicited. We have to get to the questions for crying out loud. Enough about the hardware. And I really think you're going to like this one, actually. OK, let's hear it. This is from someone who has tall problems.

So do you want to give them a name, a tall person? Let's call them tall. OK. Paul Tall writes, dear Jake and Amir, tall Paul, I am a high schooler. And over the last few months, I have had a growth spurt going from five, seven to six feet. As we have been quarantined, I do not. I do. And I do online school.

I haven't seen anyone aside from some family in almost three months. As all my friends used to make fun of me for being short. I was on the JV basketball team and only played maybe once. I want to surprise. Sorry. I want to surprise them with something big. I'm not actually mad, but I am now taller than most of them and want to rub that in their faces. I'm meeting up with a bunch of friends in a couple of months

when our parents get vaccines. What do you think I should do? Should I learn how to dunk? Should I pretend I'm someone else? I would appreciate your advice. Should I pretend I'm someone else? What? He wants to debut as a tall. He went from five, seven to six feet in three months, which is pretty.

I mean, that's fucking crazy. That's like a five. I almost don't believe it. In three months, he said, or since the quarantine began, he said the last few months, I've had a big growth spurt. We've been quarantined. I haven't seen anyone except from some family, except for some family in almost three months. So wow.

I mean, you grow fast when you're in high school, but that is that's impressive. Do you remember a growth spurt in your life? Like I remember being short and then I remember being average. I went from like five. I was very short. I was like five, three in like ninth grade when everyone else was like five, nine, five, ten, but I don't remember growing. Oh, interesting. Like I don't remember now I'm five, eleven.

I just remember being five, eleven. Yeah, I guess in and I didn't have a growth spurt, but I definitely I started like ninth grade, six feet tall. Like I was tall in high school in sixth grade or ninth grade. You were six feet tall. Maybe not sick. I mean, I was yeah, I was I got tall kind of fast because I was I was like tall and thin. I it wasn't your age. Yeah, I was tall for my age.

I was taller than interesting than other people in school. Do you remember how big how tall you were? Like in sixth or seventh, like your Burmitzva? Do you remember having a height? I would. So I had a crazy growth spurt. I was I was six foot nine when I was 13. And then I so I wow. And then I ended up coming back down.

You you had a growth dirt. Yeah, so you actually go towards down. Yeah, a growth dirt. I don't know. I mean, I don't remember how tall I was like an eighth or ninth grade. I think I was basically always average height. Except for maybe like a little tall, like in ninth and tenth grade. But I also think I was like before everybody very skinny also.

So I don't know if I was like tall and skinny or regular height and skinny and just looked because I was so thin. So now this guy wants to debut on himself. Right. Willy Wonka style sort of limp out of a house. And everyone goes, what is that? And then he collapses, does a flip and lands on his two feet. I'm six now, which is how tall were you before? Five, seven.

I don't remember. It's a really impressive growth spurt, but that's what I worry about, that if you lean too hard on it, your reveal is not going to be as satisfying as you want it to be. Imagine like imagine standing up in like or like you're wearing a fake beard and a hat and then you take it off and you're like it. You you didn't know who the tall guy was, but it was me.

And then to be like, oh, yeah, Paul, you look like you you grew like an inch or two. It's like, no, yeah, I didn't. I grew more. I grew five, actually. It's like a thing you have. You can't debut it like you can't take off a hat and reveal the hair. You can't pull off the beard and reveal your face. You can't pull off five, seven and reveal six feet.

Yeah, like it doesn't work like that. Yeah, what could I mean? The only reveal is that like you have to be sure that you arrive first so you can so you can sit down and then like at a certain point, stand up. But I feel like there's no one will notice. Like, yeah, eventually they will. But it could just be like, oh, yeah, you're like around the same size as us or you're like an inch taller than us now.

You have to get you have to sit down and then stand. And then it's sort of like a gamble to be like, will anybody even care? Like, and I bet most people don't fully remember that you were five, seven, verse six, it's a huge deal for you and maybe some close friends. Although five, seven to six is pretty big, actually, now that I think about it. Like if anybody I know who was five, seven shows up to my house and they were six feet, yeah, I guess that's true. That's noticeable.

Definitely. Yeah, it would be. It would be. I guess if you got bigger in other regards, too, if you had a real glow, that's cool gains. But I think I still think no matter what, even if you're not protecting against people not noticing, because you're right, I think people will notice. I still feel like the coolest thing you can do is be cavalier. You just got to not give a damn and let everybody else give the damn for you.

Yeah, or you can literally be a cavalier. So like you're Matthew Delavadova, who's also like six, one or something. Deli back on the calves. I think he is, but he's just hurt, so he rarely plays. And I think he might also be six feet. So that's what we should have called this guy. Well, you didn't know Matthew Delavadova gave him the name. But that's that he was going to be cavalier.

Yeah, he's listed. He's listed at six, four. So maybe it's just one of those things where every every short person in the NBA seems short, but they're actually really tall. Right, I think so. Although my brother said he met Delavadova once and he was taller than he was. OK, maybe he's six, two, six, three. Either way, he could have been five, seven, shot up to six, two as well.

Act cool, be cool, be casual and let the compliments pour in. Love it. And now let's do another question. OK, this one is actually all right. I'm going to I'm going to end on another favorite. So this one's this one's just a question from a boy about getting his girlfriend a gift. OK, I also I realize we haven't talked about our live show.

We're doing a virtual live show on Wednesday, February 24th. So in a week and a half after this podcast comes out. So if you're listening to this episode before Wednesday, February 24th, you could still get tickets. It's going to be like a podcast, but longer, better, more guests, funny questions, funny answers with video, not going to release it as a live as a video. And we're not going to release it as a regular podcast. This is your one opportunity to hear it.

And you can get tickets at jacadamere.com. Yes. And we found a question that is so good that we're actually saving it for the live show, if that's well, that's not a piece. I don't know what is. All right, this one, the subject is TikTok and booty, which you care to give this gentleman a name, TikTok and booty. Is he a it's a male? So let's call him Noah Beck, who's sort of like a cool

TikToker, who lives in a hype house here in LA, who hasn't been answering my DMs. Get back to me, Noah. I think it's 20 and he's ripped 45. All right, I am a double his everything, but I'm smaller. Actually, half his net worth. Shredded. Yeah, he looks like a fucking Abercrombie model and he can dance pretty fucking fine, too. Anyway, he's pretty well.

Let me see. Can I see how you're how do you dance? Let's say, well, he's like really good. So he'll be like, oh, oh, my God. Jesus, Jesus Christ. That was just like a silly short sample. It wasn't even anything I can do. Your your wrists are so limp. Your fingernails.

The zoom quality is not great, but I can see how long they are. That's I haven't trimmed them in a minute. Is that a very dirty shoe? I saw like some really bad pit stains when you lifted your arm. I'm sweaty because I'm nervous about talking to Noah. And this isn't even him. We're just calling this kid Noah. All right, no rights.

I am a 25 year old from Canada and I am a certified but guy. Shout out to my brethren. Recently, I have been seeing a lot of attractive girls on TikTok wearing Nike Pro shorts for context. Amir, these are basically just tight spandex shorts that showcase butts really well. I will assume Jake is already aware of them. And yes, I am to clarify, I'm not a scumbag weirdo.

My girlfriend is crazy hot. She's a dime piece, true North strong and free smoke show. And I love her entirely. However, given my attraction to this clothing article, I would like my girlfriend to wear a pair as her ass is fat. And I think she will look really great in them. That being the case, my girlfriend is not an idiot, humble brag. If I suggest to her that I would like to buy her a pair,

she will question my sudden interest in these shorts. How can I bring this up? How can I bring up this ask to my girlfriend? I think I will need to ask her before buying them as female clothing is confusing. And I don't know what size she is, cordially Noah. So he founded on TikTok. Is that what the TikTok part of it is?

I guess so. He he's been watching booty videos on TikTok. Found out that he liked this particular type of shorts. Wants to get a girlfriend, but doesn't want to be like you only know about these shorts because you look at girls asses on TikTok. Yeah, that's I mean, I feel like if you gave her a gift, it would be a very exciting moment for her. She won't be mad that you got the idea elsewhere.

Yeah. So and if she is, you could be like, no, I just I've found it was an Instagram ad and I thought you'd look hot in these shorts. And then if she's still mad at you, you can say, I swear to God, I've never seen an ass before. I thought this was a bra. Yeah. And if she's still mad, then it's like it's over for you to. I think she was just pissed about something else. It is like this dude must look at so many asses on TikTok

to feel this worried that his girlfriend could call him out. Like, I don't think any rational person gets a gift and instantly is like, were you checking these out on other women? Like, that's yeah. I mean, it's almost Valentine's Day. Yeah, I think if you could if you get someone anything that like I think your butt would look good. Wait, I bought I got Jill, a pair of these bike shorts.

I bought really. Yeah. And it was I think just because I like not because I was looking at videos on TikTok, not that I saw anything on Instagram. Not at all. But. Oh, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but I like big butts and I cannot lie. They're like kind of trendy. It's not like they're on TikTok because they're like an in fashion item. If you go to like Nike.com, they're advertised on the front page.

You could just be like, I was buying socks. I saw these. They looked like you would look hot in them. I got them. Yeah. I think you can get away with this. Just say that you bought fucking exercise shorts and they sent you an extra pair by accident. Then you can get all the everything you want. You just won't get the credit for like actually buying the gift.

But if the end is to really just see your girlfriend in the hot pants, then that's fine. I mean, she can't be mad. There's no way it's a gift. The truth is not that bad. Like you saw people on Instagram that looked hot in this and thought your girlfriend would look hotter. How could anyone be mad? That's good.

It's that's the key word. It's the hotter. I saw people look wearing this and you would be hotter in it than they are. That's why I wanted to see you in these shorts. Sorry for caring so much. Why am I being put on the stand? What did you get me? Why am I in trouble? What if she got him this picture of another guy?

So it's like, yeah, I got you a picture of fucking Noah Beck. And I've been seeing his tick talking, buddy, you ain't even close. Are you looking him up or something? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. He's pretty cute. He's pretty. Yeah, he's he's actually really cute. And he used to play soccer.

So he's I don't. Yeah, he's only shredded. If you ask the right women. Yeah, he sort of looks like an Abercrombie model of sorts. So like he's famous and hot. And did I mention he's dating Charlie's sister? Huh? Oh, suddenly you give a shit. Oh, I couldn't care less, man.

Really? Because I was going to sort of throw a throw another wrench into it. I don't even know who Charlie is, let alone Charlie's sister. Yeah. So Charlie D'Amelio, who's sort of the number one most famous tick talker in the world, obviously didn't want to move to Hype House because she's got her own things going on. So she sends her older sister in there, who's by fucking relation, the second most famous person, Dixie D'Amelio, ever heard of her?

Yeah, suddenly you give a shit. Anyway, her and Noah have been low key dating for six months. I just look, Charlie D'Amelio is fucking 16. You're dude, she was 16. She's probably 17 by this point. This is so fucked up. Anyway, her sister is now dating Noah Beck, which is kind of a big fucking deal. Like, do you remember when Marilyn Monroe fucked JFK?

I don't remember. I wasn't alive. Really? Huh? Yeah, Charlie's the number one tick talk star. She's got over a hundred million followers on there. And oh, yeah. Oh, Jake, look, she's from Connecticut. Yeah, it's so weird that there's a famous person. I don't know if there's a connection there. You can potentially milk.

No, OK, we're going to go. We're going to we're going to break. OK, before you really fucking alienate. I'm just wondering if your mom grew up with a D'Amelio because they're not that dissimilar in terms of we'll be right back. We'll be right back with another final question. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

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Thank you, Squarespace. And we are back with a final question. Actually, it is in the theme of gift giving. And if we were, if we were certain that people weren't going to scrutinize gifts. And last question, I actually think we're in for a rude awakening, Blumentfeld. Let's give this gentleman a name who who's having terrarium troubles. How about Tom Brady, the ultimate gift giver for he gave an entire city the gift of a Super Bowl recently.

And then I had to send you a basketball card, which is on the way, but you haven't received it yet. Oh, yeah, we forgot to talk about the fact that I won the bet. It was almost like since the game was so bad, it didn't even feel like I won the bet. It was just like, I don't know. I was I was surprised by the Super Bowl. That was a wild, that was a wild time. It almost like what I guess it wasn't even a bad game because the outcome was

so wildly different than anyone expected. So that was kind of fun. I would say it was a fun story because it was the underdog quote unquote one, but the underdog was just Tom Brady. So it didn't really feel like the underdog. And Pat Mahomes felt like the underdog because his offensive line, the people that protect him just didn't do anything. So yeah, every time he scrambled back, he sort of ran backwards 53 yards and

then jumped in the air, turned around and threw a laser to one of his receivers in the end. It really showcases that was fun. That's for sure. It almost it did. It felt like the 2016 election, except with much lower stakes. Yeah. Like underdog wins.

You didn't really expect it. And you're kind of taken aback. You're a little disillusioned, but at least Tom Brady's not going to be the president for four years. Okay. We're going to call this guy Tom Brady. Tom Brady writes, Jake and Amir, second time writing in first time, it actually kind of matters.

So basically we should find what we were last time. So basically I've been with my girlfriend for nearly seven months now, and after having spent some time in the same friend group and casually hooking up, uh, she is great in so many respects, but something happened recently that really rubbed me the wrong way. It was her birthday and I'm not very good with thinking of gifts for people. So after spending a lot of time looking, I got her a 50 pound terrarium. That's around $68.

That's the, yeah, British pounds, not the, not a weight. Yeah. Um, these things are expensive because I knew she likes plants. I don't know. I thought it was cute on her birthday. She seemed really grateful for it, but on a FaceTime call a few days later, she asked how much it cost. She kept naming numbers.

And finally, stupidly, I let slip the rough price. She proceeded to berate me for getting her something so expensive, saying I shouldn't have done it and she didn't appreciate the gift anymore. I expressed how that hurt my feelings and we moved on. And then around a week later, it came up again and she told me that after discussing it with her family, she was absolutely certain it was a stupid thing for me to do. Now, she's told me before that she's not a gift person and that she prefers

quality time, something I've, I've attended to as best I can during COVID. But still, I couldn't, couldn't she at least appreciate the thought, the gesture and the fact that my feelings hurt didn't matter at all to her. Am I being too sensitive or is something about this kind of messed up? I fear that this, that if this is the way she acts about one innocent gift, it doesn't bode well for the rest of the relationship. I want to know what you two think, especially with Amir's expertise in all things botanical, thanks a bunch.

This is, this came up recently, right? Like a guy wanted to give his girlfriend a terrarium or an aquarium or something like that. This is the second terrarium gift that we had, but that guy was, that guy was like making it and he was deciding between making a terrarium and something else. And I think we just told him to do both. Yeah. Tom, Tom went overboard here, I guess with a 50 pound terrarium.

Is that what he said? That's the, the weight of, you know, a small child worth of glass and marsh to grow these plants in. Well, if 50 pounds was just the cost, I don't know how, how big the terrarium was. Oh, I thought it was the weight. No, this guy's British. Yeah. No, I see.

This, the girl, the issue is that she thinks it was too much money to spend on a gift. She got the terrarium, was happy. A couple of days later, after it sunk in, she wanted to know the price. He reluctantly told her, she got mad, said she didn't appreciate it anymore. Too expensive. After that, after that was a wash, she for some reason brought it up with her family and then told her again that after discussing it with the family, she really didn't appreciate the gift.

That's insane. Tom, I think I would be, I would be passive aggressive and be like, total, you're right, sorry, I gave you a gift. I'll take it back now. That's how I would handle it. Be like, I can't believe I gave you this gift. God, what an asshole I am. 50 pounds.

What was I thinking in a way that sort of would hopefully make her reexamine what she's accusing him of? It's crazy because like this is one of those things that it's so small. You're like, are you really going to like end a relationship over a terrarium? But I feel like the reaction is so egregious that I don't know how you come back from it. For, yeah, I mean, would you say the reaction is appropriate if the thing costs like 5,000 pounds? Like, is that an appropriate reaction to any gift?

Aside from the fact that 50 pounds is not that much money. In a Jake and Amir video, I believe I have this reaction to you getting me a Rolex. All right, like a $10,000 watch. I'd say 50 British pounds is like 70 American dollars. That's right. He's I think he said 68. But so yeah, so it's a lot, but not like egregious for a gift. Well, it all depends like how much like they might be really young.

I don't know like what their financial situation is. So maybe it's just like an indicator of like you don't have this much money and you shouldn't have spent it on a terrarium for me. But to and which is fine. I think to like care about this dude's financials are like one thing. Be like, don't spend this amount of money on me. I know you care about this other stuff you need to spend your money on. But to be like, I don't appreciate the gift.

That that's the stance that I don't understand. You can. Yeah, it went from like a gas at the amount that someone spent, but still appreciate that they. They felt like they needed to spend that money because they didn't know what to get you. Yeah, I went from like polite of like, you shouldn't have to like actual anger. No, seriously, you should not have done this. Yeah, like, why did you do that?

Yeah, I think I think the post first conversation, that's like that's like a strike, but you can move past that. The second one where she says that where she's been stewing with this, like you were so far in the wrong that she brought it up with the family. And now they're against you too. That's crazy. That's crazy. And that's also that's that's a difficult. That's a slippery slope because a lot of times your friends and family

have to agree with you when you're mad. There's not a lot of friends and family that would be like, actually, I take their side with this, even though you're in our family and you're our friend. So you should always take the friends and family feedback with a grain of salt. They're listening to it through. They're hearing the story through you and they want to be nice to you because you're in distress.

So like, if they're ever on the other person's side, you really fucked up. Right. That's true. So yeah, this lady, she doesn't deserve you, Tom. You did a great thing. You got her an awesome gift and she's mad at you for it. That's that's not nice. It's not OK. It's uncouth. It's uncouth. It's uncultured. All you can really do is call her play play her and her family.

This section of the podcast and we'll see how they feel. That's really all that can happen. They probably all listen quietly, intently, and then give it a standing ovation at a certain point. Like, wow, these two blokes changed our minds forever. Long live the queen. Long live the terrarium and then they all fucking move into it. I thought it was 50 pounds like the weight.

So I was I was way off, too. But yeah, I still wouldn't. If you guys ever said you shouldn't have with a gift like, don't do this. You can return this. This is too much money, too much, too fast, too soon. I don't I don't think so. Did I I can't remember now if I told the story about Jill's wedding ring on the podcast when she was trying it when we're like guessing how much money it costs.

Did I tell the story? I think I did. Oh, yeah. And she guessed you didn't want to tell her, but then she guessed really low and you're like, all right, you have to know that it's not even close to that. Yeah. So that I think that's I haven't ever been like. You shouldn't have gotten me this. No. No. I always just I know how to appreciate a gift. I'm not a fucking asshole.

No, that's that's the best thing about me. I'll be like, thanks for this gift. And I won't even fucking mean it. Yeah, I'll look someone in the eye, shake their hand, but you don't understand how much this means to me, brother. Tear in my eye. I've never wanted anything more and I haven't. Thank you. Thank you.

Sorry, this is just a Robax gift card. It was like five dollars. You don't you don't have to cry. I don't think you understand how much I need to smooth to be able to supplant that's all. Yeah, I won't even cover the cover the full price of one. But even to subsidize it, it's really even to subsidize it. It's a lot.

It's a bunch of seven of them, seven of them to go. It's a lot. I just don't go there anymore. So never mind. I'm going to give it to someone else. Looks like this one's expired. But tell me what the thought the thought. All right. Well, thanks for writing in those emails. If you have your own questions, your own theme song,

send them to if I were you show at gmail.com. Again, we're doing a virtual live show of this podcast. So if you want to see us live answering questions with funny friends, tickets are at jacadamere.com Wednesday, February 24th. And then you can watch the show, I think, for like up to a week after that as well. For real. All right. Do it. See you there. The opening theme song was from Kevin Ramburin,

AKA K.R., AKA the host of the What We Do in the Basement podcast. And this closing theme song is by our old friend, Don Keaneon. Oh, all right. Plug the SoundCloud D Keaneon, K-I-A-N-I-A-N. And he just released a new track called The Way I Want to Be. And it's got some chill house slash alt rock vibe. So if you guys like this song, then you'll like that album. And he says, shout out to the Discord.

He's been hopping on random voice calls with folks, and it's been super fun. Wow. So if you're if you're a patron, shout out to our Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. There's a channel on Discord of other patrons. You can hop into voice chats. Maybe we'll hop into some of those voice chats. I want to talk to our fans for Christ's sake. It's been too long.

Should. All right, let's do it. So check that out as well. All right, sweet. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. We'll be back next week. Bye. Bye. Oh, ready for right? Bingo, bingo.

Welcome to the show, folks. That's really good. That was a hit gum original.