If I Were You - 477: Live Show Lightning Round

Episode Date: March 1, 2021

We get to as many questions as possible that were asked during our virtual live show last week -- including our favorite whiskeys, our least favorite sauces, and whether it's ever okay to masturbate in the same room as a puppy.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. I'm here woke up next to a turdy, I'm here woke up next to a turdy, I'm here woke up next to a turdy, I'm here woke up next to a turdy, I'm here woke up next to a turdy. Hell yeah, hell yeah, that's a fucking jam. Fuck you Blumenfeld! Oh my god. let's do it Sunday come home I love it you having fun do you think do you think for a second how I would feel hearing that what do you mean that first of all the song is jam this song was yeah I mean I like that that it's a parody of

Bugatti by like ace hood but I didn't like the message of it and then right when it was done I was hoping the dude took the fucking time the energy and the trouble to write a song about you yeah like you're the chorus of that song the first pretty fucking chill the first thing you said the first thing you said was yeah fuck fuck you blooming fell yeah cuz I had that kind of energy all right and now like the rest of your energy I think that it hurt that hurts to hear and then like into the podcast I have to now like you basically punch me in the face before a show it's frustrating that we can have a jam like

that a theme song that bumps so hard and we're like you yes got this fucking awesome yeah and it's frustrating it started and instantly you're complaining and you're a you put a damper you're a Debbie Downer I thought you're gonna that's take my side of you like it sucks that the that could be that good song that's such a nasty negative mentioned towards one of us me you're specifically featured in that song you don't think it's cool that somebody wrote a song about you I think that's pretty fucking rad actually I love the verse about me up top it wasn't just golden Mike stuff it wasn't just anybody it was

it was Tony party who you can follow on Instagram and SoundCloud at soundcloud.com Tony party that's a good that's a good URL that's a good name yeah it's two things that are really easy to say and spell the funny thing is his real name and have is Ben party so I guess he made he made it Tony to be like more like show biz chic I kind of like the two Y's that Tony party so thank you to Tony party for that wisdom actually he says he wrote a Fix You Coldplay parody all my loving Beatles parody and a Sunrise Sunset Fiddler on the Roof parody first this is his fourth parody whoa yeah that's awesome I'm actually I've been

listening to a Weezer song that I want someone to parody for our live show opening it's from their new it's from their new album album that I really like it's called it's the first song I don't know exactly what it's called I think it's all my favorite songs is what oh yeah the song is called that you sent me that I sent you that it's a great song I've been listening to it over and over I'm like this would be a great live podcast intro if anybody wants to great way to fast track it to the show maybe we'll get one maybe we'll get four or five I'll play them all because I like the song so much I will love the theme

song so grab it off Weezer's latest LP EP whatever they're calling records these days okay human maybe fucking river could do it would that be cool you don't think so is it river is it I guess it's I think it was rivers and then he changed it to river just like this guy I believe he dropped the s lose the s just river just river that's really cool a river parix yeah okay human album I'm gonna get the exact song title so that people know exactly what it's called all my favorite songs I was right all right all my favorite songs weezer that's my that's my request my humble request actually and can you not make it be mad

at me during yet Jesus you're sad you're shy you're timid you're scared you're scared actually and you're scarred yeah let's move on let's try to move on yeah happy Sunday this is it finally you're the one-year anniversary of your last flight from LA to New York you've been on the East Coast for one year straight happy anniversary mausoleum congratulations good job you did it that is you made it I haven't crossed the Mississippi in a calendar year you haven't been hired you haven't been higher than 300 feet in the air since yeah one year ago does it feel like a year ago does it feel like longer it's weird it does in

some respects it feels like this has been going on forever and then in others it feels like time has flown and then at the same time it feels like there's no end in sight so it's really it's a new reality it's really all over the place right so but I guess in it doesn't feel like a lot of time has elapsed unless you really start thinking about it unless you start thinking about all the milestones yeah and then you're like wow it's been a year but I'll tell you what no more I'm done being a bummer about it I'm I'm feeling hopeful feeling happy I'm excited these vaccines are fucking crushing it the Johnson and Johnson is

out things are looking up things are looking up actually there's this new California variant that's pretty it's shown that the vaccine is not efficacious against and 10,000 cases in Los Angeles alone and that's run that chorus back Tony party I woke up next to a 30 yeah all right yeah you're right you're right let's move on we have to there's we're here as an escape to people nobody wants to hear us ruminate talk about the fucking state of the world they want to hear us answer some questions and what better way to do it than with the lightning round we got asked so many questions during our

live show last week by the way thanks to everybody who bought a ticket and attended attended the live stream of this podcast what a fun night that was yeah it really it was great you know what a fun a fun little intimate stat for me my entire family was there all my sisters my brother my parents that is the first time the whole entire Hurwitz family was at one of my live shows wow they've all been like separate but that was the first because we were doing it virtually everyone got to go together that's cool yeah my my brother was like what'd you do last night I was like oh I did I had the the live show that I was

telling you about and he's like cool send me a link and I'm like alright I can give you like an access code with a cost $16 and he's like well I'm not paying for that shit and I said no I know I'm just kidding here's the access code and he's like no you're actually a little bitch for ask asking me to pay for it at all so I don't think I want to support you in any way even if it's a free link I told my mom about it and they were also like yeah we had we heard we heard from Ben and we actually take his side I can't believe my mom which she would never use this language usually said I can't believe you were such a little

bitch about it again she said that so I guess like for whatever reason my brother tainted her it's tainted her thinking yeah yeah and now I'm like sometimes that happens with like a nickname like somebody says a nickname that just like makes such sense for someone yeah they're like oh yeah that's true he is a little totally kind of see that so nobody so yeah no blue and felt was in the house they didn't make it so sorry so sorry to hear that but anybody anybody who missed the show the show is still up right now it's still up yeah my family can see it and anybody can see it if they want if they

wanted to yeah they're I think they leave it up for a week so it'll be up until Wednesday and you can go to jacademyor.com to watch it now we can say who the special guests were so we had Avi Tal and Jill up for one of the questions talking about farting in relationships we had Gabriel son we had Pat castles in the house we had Ben Schwartz at the end of it we were we're you know it had a different energy than a regular podcast so I think it was fun for anybody that watched live and I've heard some good reviews from people who have watched it after the fact so if you're not a good time if you're intrigued

if you want to see the video yeah check it out at jacademyor.com and we were even asking people for their questions they could submit if you were watching the show live you can submit it via chat we got to we got to a couple but there were 300 literally 400 so yeah yeah 400 Jesus so we thought why don't we try to answer some of the questions we didn't get to during the live show cuz there's some good ones a little lightning round okay yeah okay did we answer this one what is your go-to whiskey we didn't answer that one did we I don't think we did do you have a go-to whiskey I have a goat to whiskey so the second best of

all time or you're just a just a regular go-to the goat I actually I really don't I have like I have a rotation I have like maybe my the one that's like quintessential me is the is the bullet it's that's that's the classic that's cool most classic bourbon that's the orange the orange bottle but like if I'm feeling it sometimes I like the rye I think basil Haydn's is pretty damn goat I think I'm a big fan of sazarak love buffalo trace oh you know what I'm sorry I have an actual answer whoa I can have my druthers if I had my druthers we're actually out of time here's a one okay can I date my co-worker that's pretty

random the answer though is Blanton's Blanton's you'll you'll notice the Blanton's cuz it's got a a spherical glass bottle with a tiny little horsey tub it's a horse it's a tiny little horse and it's here's a question for you okay that's good those are good good good little tidbits good ones to write down if I gave you a whiskey a blind whiskey taste test do you think you're nailing those five out of five easily or like you can sort of get confused think it's one or the other I think if you gave me a blind taste test and I knew the whiskies that I was tasting for I would get at least three or four out of the

five interesting that could be a good patreon video because if you get zero out of five you have to officially stop drinking right like you'll have out of yourself I have to admit that I don't like actually like like yeah I would have to be I would have to commit to only buying wild turkey from now if you don't give it like don't buy a $60 bottle of whiskey if you can't tell the difference right yeah you're getting mad at who yourself for this in this situation yeah like you get an $11 a handle of whiskey that's what you drink and if one of them is a Dr. Pepper and you're like four roses then like it's

official you're dumb like you don't know the difference you don't get it like it's such a different flavor if I say Elijah Craig like eating a skittle yeah like no fucking chance you don't get to enjoy it I won't even know the difference between fucking food and that's not yeah actually yeah you're eating nuts right now that's not a whiskey at all that's a cashew if you don't know the difference between vodka and this is an Angel's Envy hold on a second no you're just chewing on a shoe Jesus oh I also really like Eagle rare Eagle rare is a good good whiskey that's a good nickname I think it's it's Eagle

rare yeah that's cool yeah call me Eagle or Eagle rare rare than an eagle here's a good one that kind of has been warped through the quarantine is if you had to choose between singing or dancing for the rest of your life what would you choose wait say it again you had to choose only singing or only dancing for the rest of your life hmm interesting that's tough yeah feels like right now I want dancing interesting singing has a little more longevity yeah because as you grow older and your body falls apart you still have your amazing voice to fall back yeah like I want to be able to sing to my kid just to be able to be

I woke up and this is like a 13 year old that you haven't seen in over a decade Papa can't just come to my sixth grade graduation drunk and think you're the musical act I really did wake up in a new Bugatti I think I would choose I I'm I haven't we haven't we used to go dancing all the time and now we just don't dance because of course where would you go and what would you do but at the same time at any celebration you don't want to be the guy that never dances and it's like there's never a celebration where it's like why is he not singing singing is very like karaoke yeah that's true but I think that's more forgivable but but at

the same time you're in your car and you can't sing along give me at least I get along I would miss the dumb little songs I sing to myself and like to Jill and my brother yeah you know the dumb little ditties that's that's what you'd want to be able to sing actually you know what I changed my mind I would I would cut my legs off because I wouldn't be able to sing the national fucking anthem and that's what I choose I will gladly die before you tell me I can't sing I stand on God for the Canada Canada because I would never sing the red white and blue one for in vain you're a grand old flag you're a high

flying flag that's good oh man just fucking stand up put your hand over your heart and sing I'm a dandy that's that's how you fucking show love for your country respect the you're a Yankee doodle dandy understand barely but actually if you're a Yankee doodle dandy you have to dance like a little Yankee doodle boy meaning what do you mean oh god for those who can't see I don't want to describe it because I think you're lucky for having not seen what this kind of creepy little interpretive dances it's like he's hunched over like like a weird eagle man is playing the piano or something like that that's patriotic

that's patriotic all right we got one question specifically for you and one question specifically for me which one do you want to answer first okay let's I'll be generous let's go with me okay Jake sallies or Pepe's big big ol fan of Pepe's if anybody doesn't know New Haven is the pizza capital of the world and is that just because of these two places like are there I think there's a lot of dozens of good pizza places or everyone's talking there's dozens to there's a lot of good good pizza places but like Pepe's and Sally's they're the ones with like the I think it's the brick oven pizza I see and it's like that's the

it's like kind of like when they say the cheesesteak belongs to Philadelphia it's those two places but oh sorry you know what it's I knew I knew I was gonna get this wrong it's the coal-fired pizza okay but when you when you ask like a true Philadelphia and they're like no it's not geno's or paths there's actually a better third option do New Haven people say that or they're like no it actually is one of Sally's or Pepe's there's other like some people will be like oh like there's Sally it's not quite the same because Frank's and geno's are like actually bad cheesesteaks and like there's much better ones Sally's and

Pepe's are like really great pizzas but if you talk if you're talking to a snob they might be like oh you should go to modern pizza I think bar pizza is really good and I also think Delania is potentially potentially the goat of New Haven but between the two the two like tried and true Sally's or Pepe's you got to go Pepe's and are you still not eating pizza because it gives you heartburn slash gas slash painful indigestion no what I've what I've identified between all of the things that were fucking with my stomach is that it was clearly and obviously and we all knew that it was the beer I see the beer I

see I took the beer out I started drinking more wine I've missed beer a little bit but now when I have like just one beer I'm able to burp I don't know if I have I told you that I can basically burp now what what a huge up update that you just completely swept under the rug how did you go from not being able to burp to just now being able to burp well I still I still don't have any control over it like but I've been just I was reading the r slash no burp and just like this one guy's account of like basically he was always trying to force out the burp and now he's sort of started trying to relax his throat so I started

doing that I do like a I feel like before I used to just like push and push and nothing would come out except for these tiny little noises and now I sort of like push and then not at the same time but like as I'm pushing at some point I just like really try to relax my throat and breathe out and burps burps will come you're like and taking a little mass class of burps it seems like you're sort of like taking a birthing class that teaches you how to burp breathing lessons don't know yeah I don't know when they're coming or not but like but I've been able to like relax and let them and let them arrive a little bit better so

that's been that's been helpful and I also I haven't missed beer nearly as much as I thought I would I still have like a beer every two weeks oh that's good so you're just you sort of lower the amount you have but you still have some and now you can pass the gas yeah I feel like I used to have like three or four beers a week like now I'd replace that with a glass of wine after work instead of a beer after work that's nice that's classier actually and then the whiskey still sometimes is more of the weekend drinks still whiskey's a yeah whiskey is a Friday and a Saturday and I enjoy one or two and that's that's as

much as I'll indulge these days are you drinking milk what's your alternative milk of choice are you just completely off dairy entirely I go I do almond milk in my smoothies if I'm having cereal or like a granola I'll throw in some almond milk but every once in a while I'll fuck with just a glass of milk if I have a cookie and I wanted Jill's mom made like brownies a couple weeks ago and I had a brownie and just I was like I need a glass and I had a fucking big-ass glass of whole mill hole of glass a hole yeah that's the Billy Scafuri special he has a glass a hole or two I think every day so now you know he feels like he lives

like on the fucking wild side yeah respect and it felt fine to you it was just like that was there's no burping at the end of that that just felt like no yeah I was smooth that's silky not to be confused with silk which is soy milk that's right which I also love yeah you know so he's fallen out of favor but I think I think it's gonna start making a resurgence it was like the first big one then everyone sort of tacky hard against so yeah so yeah not sustainable it's not great for your gut right I'm saying buy low on soy sell high on soy all right let's take a break and then we'll come back for a few more questions for me and

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stamps.com for sponsoring this show thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast you know Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode but the entire headgum network Jake wow that's correct I mean this might be the Goat Father's Day gift I think it actually is yeah yeah not just Father's Day but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon these digital photo frames might be the best of all time yeah for me personally these things are perfect I'll tell you why as you know I am expecting yeah my first child we got one for Jill's parents oh wow we got one for Jill's grandma holy

smokes we got one for my parents so there are three of these bad boys in our family right now but they are they're great really easy way to like stay in touch with your family you can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen it's really nice oh that's cool so you take a photo of anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo yeah frame this is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant we got her the Aura frame we plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant really nice asshole this was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make

a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant yeah yeah kind of like a she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way by the way Jill's Jill's grandma is pregnant oh my god just grandma is 90 and pregnant it's pretty cool and you told me with a digital photo frame holy smokes and we let her know with an aura yeah thank you the aura announcement so you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app add me to your aura app I'd love to upload just a

picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny yeah like your banana your dog alongside pictures of my daughter yeah yeah exactly even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame yeah it's a great gift a really really iconic gift and right now you can save on the perfect father's day gift and visit aura frames that's a you are a frames dot com and our listeners can use code head gum to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best-selling frames there it is oh wow this is timely the deal ends on June 18th so don't wait

terms and conditions apply that's aura frames a you are a frames dot com okay go get your parents something all right and use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping thank you aura and now back to the head gum podcast you were listening to and we're back all right no unsolicited advice actually this one is kind of unsolicited advice Joe asked me what moment should I buy on top shot right now so last week or was it the week before this one this one was yours yeah that one was this is my have you heard anymore I remember is sort of explaining it to you it was either last week or the week before what top shot

was it's these digital basketball cards that you can buy and sell right have you heard anything more since that happened or like you haven't even come across that anymore it's it's not in my life except for through you so I'm like I see it on Twitter but that's just because I follow me you on Twitter yeah yeah where I haven't infiltrated anywhere else yeah cuz like I'm in the world of basketball and I see it everywhere it's like during highlights and it's on basketball Twitter it's in podcasts and like I'm following more people so it's like is it on TV do they show it at all with like on NBA commercials or anything not

commercials but it's starting to like like people are saying like ooh that'll be a top shot like during the games or like some like news packages or stories or like it's on like basketball shows they're talking like what is this thing and then they explained what it is kind of like what Bitcoin was five years ago anyway my advice is to the market shot up before we recorded the last episode so like it's been kind of like plateau or slightly cool again so you can get some quote-unquote good value right now I think if you wanted to buy a moment on top shot right now I would go for somebody who's injured right now because nobody's

really thinking about like Anthony Davis for example and that could be like a cool person that's probably lower value than he'll be when he comes back and starts playing so Anthony Davis is my bit of advice and you could buy it with regular bucks or crypto bucks you can you can get in there and purchase however you want but just know that it could entirely disappear so don't spend any money you'll need in a week or two that's my other unsolicited advice yeah that this is a it's a risky it's a high-risk investment oh yeah oh yeah what's your risk tolerance you know exactly are you willing to just set this cash on

fire or potentially double it then that's the money you should spend on a video of Anthony Davis making a shot on the website in a way on the day here's a question for both of us nice my girlfriend never listens to my instrumental music projects until I explicitly ask her to why doesn't she like my music how do I get her to listen to it on her own volition as opposed to me asking I thought of us because we had Avital and Jill on the podcast they don't listen to our podcast that's right yeah so it's kind of weird it's like you want to support a partner but at the same time I don't expect Avital or Jill to

listen to our podcast at all and they never do and I don't really think about it so how do you how do you reconcile that like if you're a musician and your partner never listens to your music is that as offensive as what we're doing or they're doing I think I guess it's different because I feel like we were doing this podcast for a long time before them and I feel like I get Jill cares about my creative pursuits and endeavors like I don't feel like she doesn't give a shit I just feel like she couldn't give a shit about this podcast and I I'd never expect it you know alright here's a good difference the

difference is like these we have to crank out every week they're not like the lonely and horny projects where we spent a lot of time and created this piece of art like a musician would like if you're just jamming every week you don't you can't expect your girlfriend to be like sit there and listen to every practice she's not a fan of your music she's just you know a fan of you but if you work if we worked on a movie or we worked on a short thing or like an animation then I'm sure our partners would be interested and intrigued to watch yeah that the test is you have like your music it do your like perform your first show like a

virtual show or when things open back up you do like an open mic or something like if you're significant other is not like supporting you at the show then it's then it's worth being like I want you to care about my music but if it's just like I came up with this new riff and she's like I'm watching TV you know that it's not necessarily I think that it's okay right and it's also like I mean you have to she wouldn't be with you she thought your music was terrible probably right like you can't yeah but then it's like for most normal people with normal jobs the partner is not like oh yeah I really am intrigued as to what

you're doing as a lawyer or an accountant and I have to make sure that I'm a fan of you as a lawyer or an accountant so with with artists quote unquote it's a little different I guess I feel like I no matter what the person I was with what their job was I'd be I would be intrigued about like elements of it and I would and I'd like be I would care if they were good at whatever their job was yeah but you wouldn't know you really you can't tell if someone's a good accountant or a good lawyer like you can if someone's like a good I don't know performer because you actually see them perform and you can have an opinion

lawyers lawyers like win cases and stuff accountants meet their deadlines way to meet your deadline tonight honey I saw that you met your I bet if you have an accountant spouse and they're like fucking they would be so so like stressed out around tax time and then like all the work's done there's got to be like some sense of like pride you'd be like I'm really proud of you you dealt with a lot of shit you know yeah you filled out that 88 79 in that form 592 be oh my god how many K ones did you issue this is your trolling her because she got fired holy shit and you did it right or you got you got asked anyway turn my

amp on I have a rap rock song that's awesome here's a question an interesting one actually Perry asks what's your tell us about your worst day at college humor do you remember fairly easy job fairly fun job but I'm sure there was a quote worst day or at least when I say bad day what comes to your mind quickly hmm it's funny cuz both of these bad days that I have in mind were like really fun in retrospect there was there was a day that we called like Black Wednesday I think where like it was when there was still very few people in the company there's like less than 20 people and like three or four people got fired oh

yeah yeah and we didn't get so I'm getting fired it's always a bad day yeah and it was like it was a big like cup like it felt like 20% of the company was just like gone one day right and then but it was kind of like this like it was like a crazy story so it's kind of interesting the other one I remember is when we found out that college humor was moving and like not everyone was going and it was basically like the end of New York and everything we had and we all went to the whiskey in Brooklyn and got like absolutely shit based on like a Tuesday and danced until like 2 a.m. and we there was like a big I think at that

point we were all like on group me because they're what group texting wasn't a thing and we had we had this like it was like a 20-person group text with everybody that worked to college humor called hang gang and we were just like texting that threat like everyone come to the whiskey right now like so some people that were moving to California were there some people who got fired were there some people who would like work to the company and then left a couple months before we're there yeah it was awesome what comes to my mind is like having to wake up really early to shoot stuff that we didn't want to shoot

like if you're in the background of a scene of a college humor sketch or something it's like yeah call time is 5 30 but try to like be here we're taking a bus at like 4 45 and it's like freezing cold and I'm half asleep or like the end of an all-nighter when we're all doing like a sketch at 6 a.m. so like I just remember the exhausting or like branded content we didn't get paid for like the turkey bowling video I was just thinking about the turkey the turkey bowling video I think we had shot like a solid amount of branded content but it wasn't until we shot the turkey bowling video that all of us were like

why aren't we getting paid for this we don't want to do it I don't even remember what the brand was but like we were bowling with turkeys in the office 6 a.m. we were it was I don't know who the hell wrote it but it was an insane script it was like from the brand from the brand agent right wrote a script where we are like doing bowling with turkeys or something and I had all of the worst lines and I was complaining the entire time like who the fuck is getting like how much money is call a tumor getting paid for this and this is just expected I do it for free yeah didn't we have to worse stoop stupid costume or was that

just stupid costume yeah sane lines and it's got paid no extra money for all the sad parts of selling out without any of the good actually making money part that makes it worth it yeah deliver like delivering the money line in a branded spot where you get I'm still making minimum wage that was that's a tough pill to swallow here's a question my roommate once accused me of peeing in her drawer I didn't obviously should I live with her again being wrongfully accused is that a deal breaker oh another one if my roommate pissed in a drawer and want one own up to it should I leave this apartment interesting so this

is a two-parter we were in the middle of it yeah what's worse I was well I think having your drawer pissed in is worse yeah or at least thinking it yeah and then being wrongfully accused that's also pretty bad though but obviously not as bad have you ever been around someone that pissed in something that wasn't the bathroom yeah you you piss everywhere you piss in bottles in your car no yeah no I don't mean like that I that's intentional pissing and I'm like and I'm being sneaky you're peeing a bottle pee behind a tree pee behind a dumpster I would like I was one time visiting a friend in college at st. Joe's I was

sleeping on a futon in the living room his roommate got home absolutely shit faced and pissed on the TV the hell just pissed all over the the credenza and television because he was so hammered so hammered he thought it was a toilet yes fell asleep on like came home pissed on the TV fell asleep on the floor Jesus that guy is the man that's the fucking savage move can I be your fucking roommate sir that was Brett fucking Kavanaugh if you can believe that and I was squee I fucking bread it was I really I'll take that Brett no you're the only person are you still pissing outdoors cuz I know you're sort of

sometimes living with Jill's family so I imagine it's hard to like say hold on you guys go up I'm gonna take a piss behind your building or something like that yeah I don't pee outside in New York City that's that's too tough but in New York I kind of know where all the public bathrooms are and that's never been an issue at home like yeah I pee I'll pee behind a tree I'll pee at the side of a car for sure yeah the side of a car the site of a car at the site of a car I see a fucking yeah I'm honestly if I see a Corolla I get I get so fucking jittery that I need to I need to urinate right then and there yeah that's

you should probably get that checked out right yeah the site of a fore forester makes me piss my pants put it in put a rap for makes me ravenous for pee rap for makes me go to put her cakes says I've been playing a lot of chess lately y'all play chess I think there's been a huge chess boom since Queen's Gambit I sort of missed that what do you think about chess yeah as a hobby mmm it seems cool I think like I know how to play chess but I'm so I'm like the perfect mark for anyone that knows how to play chess at least decently like if you know a chess strategy you know yeah you'll beat me because you know how all the

pieces do yeah and that's it I can sit at the table and that's it but everything I'm winging it every single time you'll only win by accident yeah I played with Jill and she just like absolutely decimates me it's really fun oh you do play with her so not I mean I think we've played like a handful of games in all of our years together it seems like she played she likes chess it seems like a fun thing to learn like a good alternative to just whatever doing literally anything else on your phone like you have a chess app and you become into playing chess like I've gotten into like these shitty like word games on my

phone like words with friends or scrabble or word hunt or whatever the game playing those still sometimes I'll get like invites from friends or Avi tall will like message me and like invite what are those things called game pigeon on your phone yeah yeah so like doing chess instead of that seems like it's more cerebral and kind of interesting to get good at chess maybe you and I could play chess we should well let's let's see if game pigeon does a chess thing they definitely don't but I bet there's chess apps that like track your progress and stuff like that yeah you want to do you want to play chess

together or against each other I don't want to play against you but I'd be down to like play that sounds like a lot of you're afraid because I'm the fucking chess master you just said that you know how the pieces move but you don't I'm the queen's gambit what does that mean I fucking it's a reference to the show where someone's really good have you seen Queen's Gambit yeah and I thought it was pretty good actually here's a question about TV what's the goat sitcom PS come to say it's come to Oregon when it's safe okay so we'll come to Oregon and then what do you think is the goat situation comedy the greatest sitcom in

TV history mmm arrested development yeah that's a sitcom right even though it wasn't like shot in front of a live studio audience yes not your classic sitcom it's not a it's not a multi-camp yeah yeah that's the if is that the question no I think it's any TV comedy I would think yeah I mean maybe Seinfeld yeah I would say Seinfeld or friends those classic those are like multi-cam in front of the audience may still make me laugh more than anything else is Simpsons a sitcom if it's animated yes the thing like I think friends is one of the greatest shows of all time I just think that like when I

watch the old episodes like it feels like the characters the actors are doing so it's like the show is so much that perfect cast and Seinfeld I feel like is like the jokes still stand up the storytelling is like still really interesting right the writing friends is like I could I could just watch that cast do anything and they could make any line funny because like the characters were so well-developed yeah classic Joey fucking Chandler then there's Rachel and Monica sandwiches yeah Ross is an archaeologist or a paleontologist or whatever but he's shimmer you should really tweet shimmers here I know I

sort of give you I don't want to break the internet I think I really do want to see you tweet does date does what is it does Ross from friends ever get ever get swimmers here it's still in the drafts it's in the drafts let's see let's just take a little gander at her all right just to get your heart beat up just look at it and hover your hand over the fucking tweet button do you have anything else in the drafts have you been tinkering like think coming up with jokes that you don't fire off or is that the latest one I I don't know well first of all how the hell where do I find my drafts that I think you go to

tweet and then it's like it pops up as drafts after you like click on let's tweet like that button mm-hmm okay wait it's let's tweet I don't see where drafts can where drafts are once you're in the the compose a tweet page yeah there's no drafts button there's not whoa this is this is great radio right now this is really not being able to find my Twitter draft yeah like you see how it says like what's happening here yeah and then like at the top left it says drafts next to tweet oh yeah are my drafts deleted you have no drafts I don't know oh my god did I did I lose my fucking swimmers your tweet that actually I

have I have hundreds of drafts can I just run a few by you and then you can tell me yeah I would love so these are these are either half written or fully written and I haven't had the way both to pull the trigger let's see let's see okay I was named after a MRI that's really good it sort of looks like my name low key over COVID so that one's sort of like me being sarcastic about coronavirus right the best restaurant in LA doesn't even have a location or a kitchen it's just an Instagram account of other people's sandwiches that's not that's fine it's fine yeah whatever it's like it's like a stupid one you don't care fire it off

then if it's stupid no it's fine whatever oh something about responding to a text from last week just to ask a new question like you go to text someone you realize you haven't answered their previous question so it's like oh yeah everything is good also can I borrow your car this weekend or something it's not really a joke it's just sort of a world yeah definitely let's see here this one is sort of like I feel bad tweeting about it cuz it like it's like it touches on themes that might get me canceled but it's oh here's a free joke if you're writing a show about a playfully abusive father so his kid is

like what's the theme of my birthday party and the dad goes the theme is I don't whoop your ass or something like that it's like when you have like a grumpy dad and it's like yeah the theme the theme is I'm not gonna fucking kick your ass right and then it's like people might get mad at me for talking about child abuse I didn't I never like fire that's kind of like a red from that 70 yeah exactly which was like it's fine on whatever on TV or something but yeah when I like tweet about it I feel bad here's one that just says Skype so I don't really know what I met with that that one's sort of like a half got it

idea yeah remember when I convinced you to tweet Nicki Minaj just but I should do that again how did that one do I'm sure it's that was that was in your draft and you wouldn't pull the trigger and I was like this one's fucking good Nick even not I'm gonna search Nicki Minaj Iraq I did I tweeted it Jane almost the week after Trump became president January 29 2016 Nicki Minaj just butt dialed Iraq should I retweet it right now or just tweet it again as if it's like I just came up with it I have no idea what's funny it's funny is Nicki Minaj even

like still doing it's like we've moved on from Nicki Minaj as a society I think yeah I guess you could say Megan these stallion just butt-dial like why all right Megan these stallion I'll tweet it now let's see how it does throughout the how did Nicki do at 22 retweets 87 likes that's pretty good so pretty it's like good things like not that great not that great but like definitely not a dud alright I'm gonna tweet this let's take a break and we'll come back and we'll finish this Q&A lightning round style we're gonna get through as many as possible nice is it Megan MEG AN or ME AG AN MEG AN I think this show is

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Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial everything looks good let's launch it just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase thank you Squarespace. Imagine having an ass so big you bulk dialed I rack yeah I don't even understand what the implication is it like means she has a huge ass sort of but only because I know the bunch of numbers yeah like her ass is so big that it butt dialed for so long it liked it at international code it talked to an operator all right all right all right we're back we're back here we go ready more questions before we get the fuck out of here let's do it

Mary fuck oh by the way I should say that I tweeted it I tweeted Megan these stallion just butt dialed I rack let's see how it goes wow Mary fuck kill ranch honey mustard and hot sauce hmm this is more up your alley I don't like ranch or hot sauce so I will marry fuck honey mustard and kill ranch I have no use for ranch in my life it's funny I I never did until honestly in the last like month in the last month I have become an insatiable little fucking rodent for ranch yeah I am right I'm a truffle pig for ranch I love it was ranch made on a ranch like it's such a weird it's like that's like a basil creamy mayo and they

just named it after a place where farm animals live ranch sauce yeah what's what like buffalo sauce is is named after buffalo where it was invented yeah ranch ranch was not a ranch on a ranch okay also buffaloes I made my own buffalo sauce for buffalo wings at the Super Bowl I am so blown away that it's just Frank's and butter is that it that's what it tastes like but yeah it feels like at a certain point you didn't even come up with a sauce buffalo much of a sauce yeah that doesn't belong to you buffalo guys you don't get that added butter with hot sauce that's I guess if no one else had done it but also it just

feels like it feels like if you're gonna make the sauce and it should be like the whole and it's it's butter and then all the ingredients from Frank's not butter and then you just have yeah it's like if I make if I made if I added butter to ketchup did I make a sauce or did I just get high one day would be great it obviously be good it's like that kumail so about cheese which is heroin and Advil or something he's like so you really are just taking heroin right it was like pancakes with heroin all right oh wait no what anyway okay so so I guess hot sauce I would marry because I've had the longest relationship with

hot sauce I'd fuck ranch because that's kind of what I'm doing now and I'd kill honey mustard because I think the honey is actually hurting the mustard in that situation I don't need it to be sweet I need it to be spicy I need it to be savory I need it to be tangy and that's how it's banging do you like do you like mustard on that you're out though yeah yeah I do so do you have any at least like what sauce do you not like like I don't like buffalo I don't like ranch I guess you don't like honey mustard you like teriyaki I don't like I don't like sweet sauces very much I don't like barbecue sauce whoa don't like barbecue I'll like

I'll have it like if I if I'm eating ribs and they're covered in barbecue sauce I won't be like oh I'm not a fan of barbecue sauce like I'll have that that's that's fine but it's not a sauce that I'm like oh you know what this needs barbecue sauce if there's a burger on a menu that's like this one has blue cheese and like ranch that's the one I wouldn't get the the buffalo burger or the I'm sorry the it's too late you said you wouldn't get the buffalo burger I would get the buffalo burger ma'am come back I miss oh I miss oh waiter oh here's a question for Pat okay perfect it says my aunt lived next to you in Greenpoint she

said you look cute in your jogging outfit can we see it so it's not really anything Pat can do now but yeah I guess I guess somebody's aunt thought Pat looked cute jogging so I guess I should send that much like the question from a couple weeks ago where that dude was low-key dating his buds yeah I think we got an update from that did I ever send that to you oh yeah you did you there it like it was let me see I see if I can find it some guy said really funny update yeah the question was my friend's aunt is like sort of hitting on me should I try to sleep with her and if I do should I tell my friend about it and

I'm like whoa this question is from six months ago I wonder if this guy ever fucked his friends aunt and then we got an update about it about what happened he said this shit crashed and burned I broached the subject with my friend indirectly it was something along the lines of ha ha ha remember when you fucked my cousin I gotta get back at you for that lol maybe I'll fuck your aunt or some shit he said dude that would be so much worse I'd fucking kill you if you did that I then texted the aunt to say hey I'd love to take you up on the wine but it seems I'll omit this guy's name would be uncomfortable with us

doing anything she replied that I misinterpreted things and she was just being friendly and has no interest in sleeping with some 20 someone 20 years younger than her I changed my walking route I I can't imagine handling this entire thing worse he did the absolute worst worst-case scenario which is not sleeping with the aunt but still getting in trouble for even bringing it up yeah just just awful like if your friend says not to do it you do not need to tell you didn't know that she was coming on to you like it wasn't that it wasn't that certain you preemptively broke up with someone you didn't need to

do that yeah and then you know what the aunt was never interested in you and that way at all anyway so it seemed she might have been she might have just been trying to save face by saying that but like the fact that you allowed that conversation to take places and saying is it a is it immoral to J.O. with a puppy in the room is it immoral to have sex with a puppy in the room hmm dogs in the room so yeah dogs in the room I don't think it's a moral I think it's odd I think it is is unnecessary but I guess if you have a puppy and you kind of like don't want it to get out of your sight but like I would find it off-putting I

wouldn't personally be able to do it but I don't think it's like I don't think it's a moral question yeah it's funny because we have a dog and whenever we're getting frisky he leaves the room gross never leaves us in the room he never leaves until that's starting to happen and then he like jumps off the bed and like runs away like he feels shame to see it and it's not like trained to behavior it's completely innate that he doesn't want to see us like that yeah it's like oh this guy's fucking disgusting I I cannot and then as not watches pasty-ass bastard bat bounce around anymore and as soon as it's over

runs back in like all right I'm glad you guys are done having your little fucking fun time but now I'm back it's quite impressive yeah that's actually really sweet what's the most disgusting food you've ever eaten do you remember eating something and it was the grossest thing you've ever had hmm I guess I've definitely eaten a lot of like gas station tuna sandwiches like I remember in was it gross in a way that you liked it yeah I liked it yeah it's hard to that was definitely in Iceland getting like a chicken salad sandwich out of a gas station that was fucking nasty but delicious yeah I'm talking about you

I feel like I've seen you try something and then spit it out like it was so bad you couldn't have it oh it was uni like there's this there's a specific kind of sushi called uni well yeah it tastes like it looks like a tongue or something yeah it's like this weird orange it looks like fucking diarrhea honestly yeah it's supposed to be a delicacy and people like it's like so it's like people's favorite food it's like so like decadent it's supposed to be really good and Jill took me to sushi one time and she was like oh we have to get this like I think you're gonna love it and I like took a bite and I was I was like genuinely I

thought it tasted like poop I was so I was sick to my it ruined my night it was so foul I think all food is interesting and should be appreciated people are starving so I don't like talking about food in a negative place I was baited into pick us a little bit into that question fuck you fuck you know I I remember once trying oysters and indeed I didn't like it I thought it tasted exactly the way it smelled which was like a slimy sea booger I did not want to swallow it mushrooms I strongly dislike whatever it's like but you got to try this mushroom it's really good it doesn't taste like a mushroom still don't

like mushrooms still don't like mushrooms can't get over it love mushrooms I love all right maybe the last question pick your celebrity partner in the amazing race so you get to choose any celeb to be your partner on a race around the world who would it be and don't say Tiffany Amber Theoson because that's mine when yeah when this question started I thought it was like pick your celebrity partner like your your celebrity crush and I was really ready to say Marco Robbie and I think I'm just gonna stick with it so you and Robbie not in an amazing I think I just think she would be good at it I feel like she

has the temperament and the attitude that it takes yeah yeah cuz I want it like I'm leaning towards taking like an athletic person like oh it's me and LeBron but then like he's gonna be disappointed in me like I don't want LeBron to be like come on man you got to like run faster like I'm trying LeBron but I think I'm out of shape or some shit and then he's like sad at me and I don't want to do that yeah right he would be hard on you because he's trying to get the best out of you yeah it's like he's come out of you like yeah you're being a little bitch boy yeah like what if what if that nickname stuck

like he talked to Ben no way there's no way he would know that nickname for me what about a the amazing race isn't like it's not like a foot race you sometimes it is yeah it's like traveling as you're like moving through cities and stuff yeah you're traveling but then like sometimes it's like you're in a city and you have to like get to somewhere without a taxi or something like that so you're sort of jogging slash sprinting to a flag or a location or a landmark maybe a basketball player that I don't like so that when they yell at me it's like dude like I'm not even a fan of yours straight up so like don't talk to

me like that Kawai or some shit like that like look at me dude like you can't have this kind of relationship you're thinking about this question all wrong because you're like who would I want to lose the amazing race with that's you have no fucking ambition to do well no yeah I think you're gonna suck it I think I'll be bad and Kawai will sort of roll his eyes cuz I get carsick Kawai that's why I really do and like I'm sorry I can't run right away but like you're also one day can we have a goddamn leisurely breakfast can we get a leisurely breakfast Kawai you're so competitive and you're so obsessed with

winning like now sorry I shouldn't say it but now I know why Pat Beverly doesn't like you he really doesn't like you you read the fucking trades I'm sorry alright that's it that's it that's our time we try to answer as many questions as possible there's still more we've been trying to answer them also rapid fire style on our patreon so if you want to see a video episode of us trying to answer as many of these questions as possible or perhaps a Jake and Amir watch episode that URL for all that stuff is patreon.com slash ja so thanks to anybody that was on the patreon watching there as well and thanks to

all you guys for asking these questions and if you got your own questions or theme songs send them all down to if I were you show at gmail.com the opening one was that Bugatti parody remember that one by Tony that's right and this hard name to forget and this closing theme song is by Tani Thompson it took her years to submit it because her friend Sam was supposed to sing on it but she never had time anyway shout out to my friend Sam who's a day one listener thank you for years of great listening thank you Tani Tani Tani Tani Tani Tani Tani Tani Tani thank you Tani Tani thank you Tony oh a Tony party and a

Tani party now that's a party I can use and that's a party I can get into I mean I want to like three-way you actually can't get into it you can't get into any parties you can't get into parties people you rub people on my right people don't like to be around you this is how the episode started and now this is how it ends and it's sort of like gonna leave a sour taste in my mouth going forward is all that's not all right real right let's just then let's just end it you get the 30 this episode I think that much is obvious oh thank you everyone for thanks everyone for listening and we'll be back next Monday and all right

the live show two more days to watch that at jaconamere.com before it's it's gone forever so snag it before it leaves and thanks to everybody that was there for that all right we'll be back next week bye everybody if I really like a show I like a mirror total Monday now we're here unsolicited devices where's my pen bitch I'm riding into these two dudes from YouTube they really can't be quite rude while they help me with my problems small and large it's no issue like exes to my exes when I want a second chance like proving my dejected living room with out no pants they call me loser

chiller, prancer, crandest, make fun of me on this podcast with help from shorts and middle bitch rather Jeff and Marty bitch these two court juice in the game boy two free emails and telemetries yo you do you flexing on Tinder as hard as I can rejected by girls match up your match tell Jake that I'm sorry that he has a chipmunk hoe helps this whipping picture in the pinch they run a podcast empire yo that was a hit gum original