If I Were You - Bonus Patreon Thursday: Bad Teeth (w/Reilly Anspaugh!)

Episode Date: November 15, 2018

Fellow HeadGum-er Reilly Anspaugh is in the studio to talk about bad kissers, good hygiene and horrible details about the Twilight Franchise. NOTE: The entire episode is available in both video and audio format on Patreon.com/JASee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Back on a Thursday, Patreon has us not given a shit. We don't care anymore. We're working for ourselves. We're our own gosh-dang bosses. I'm thinking of selling out, actually. You already have. So I'll get a tattoo of a brand as branded company as a brand. Branded content. You do have a tied tattoo on your face. Yeah, but I want it to be branded. That is branded.

It's a hot brand that they sort of stick on to me. Oh, a brand brand. Yeah, I want branded content. You want more than ink. You want raised skin. You want a scar. A scar for art and a branded brand that says Nike will fart. A mark, a mission, a brand, a scarf. Dashboard Confessionals new album.

A scar. That's right. Scar art. A skirt. Nice. Nice. So what is this? This is a teaser of the bonus Thursday Patreon. And that's where we hop on your feed and tease each other.

Amir, A4 eyes, you look like a buck tooth chipmunk. I don't know. A teaser is just a, it's a little taste of what they can get. I was just being silly. Like a trailer. I was just being silly. I thought we would do like a bit. Chipmunk 4 eyes is what you said. You were so quick.

It was just. You knew that you were going to say that regardless of what happened. It was a silly joke. It wasn't a silly joke. Okay. It wasn't a silly joke because it was at my expense. That would, it can be a silly joke at your expense. Yeah.

Stop talking over me. So what? You don't know what I'm saying. Everyone laughs at me and then you are the hero of the story. It's a gentle ribbing of you and you rib me back and we go back and forth and we say things that are silly about each other and it's teasing and it's fun. You have. Don't you fucking dare.

Don't you fucking dare. You're getting. Because you made it real. You're getting a mole checked and I really think you're going to get skin cancer. Oh. If you don't like. Oh my God. Fucking 4 eyes.

You. Mine was just like a casual dig about your appearance. Like an exaggerated feature of yours. I didn't know. And you like talk about like a really deep seated fear. You like want me to have cancer. I'm going to a doctor. And you're.

No, I was going to say that you're 4 eyes. Stop. You're not dirty blonde. It's so fucked up. Or something. I don't know. Was that even fun of me? But you have brown hair.

Let me say that again. Because I feel like I went too far. No, we're not releasing this anymore. You have. We're not releasing this. You have a little above average size feet. Like what are you 11 and a half. I'm 11 so average.

Sorry. I feel like I went too far. You did go too far. But you got. And then everything else you've been saying is just like vague. Like things about you not necessarily. That aren't even right.

Like you called you called me blonde and then corrected to say that it was sort of a dirty blonde. And you said I had large feet and amended it to say they were pretty average. Average size. But not average. The way it smells is funny. They smell funny.

That's yeah. That's sort of like a good way to make fun. You are. Say I have smelly. Are you are going to the dermatologist this week. This is because there are a few asymmetrical. Issues. I have a raised mole and it's nothing.

And you're you're like stoking fear. I just don't want you to sleep very well tonight. Yeah. Now I have to go to bed like wondering. What wondering. Yeah. Why. And then why I'll be waiting on pins and needles for the results.

Yeah. And also you smell when you fart it smells like I guess like a fart which is fine because it's because it is far. Yeah. I'm trying to like think about like. You have a wispy pube beard. That's like something. Okay.

So that's a good middle ground. I went to like a deep fear real fear. And then the other side is like me like trying to like. Fucked up. And then you were like trying to trying to like smooth it over by just like making an observation. Yeah. Like that.

That you're far too far. It didn't serve your purpose at all because it like. It was like. Yeah. I feel like the mundane observation only heightened what you had said before. Because it was so fucked up. Yeah. That's true.

Okay. So let me try it again. Right. Don't try it again because you like botched it so bad that we like can't even use any of the stuff that we recorded like seriously don't release what we've made so far. You want to start like. We'll start. I don't want to start fresh right now because I feel like I need some time away from you

for a bit. Oh my. So I don't even know if we should do because you wanted to do like a Patreon. Yeah. Like a little shout out to the. There's a new video. So why don't we just try to talk about the Patreon for a little bit. And then like we'll we'll record an intro to this later.

Okay. Or like you just do it on your own because I honestly don't really feel like being around you. I think the patrons going well people are really digging it more than I more than it surpassed our wildest dreams. We have nearly 4,000 patrons at this point. We're getting close to releasing the speech that I gave at your wedding. That's true.

That's going to happen at the 5,000 patron mark. The people are commenting very positively about the content. It's insightful, hopefully. And you guys are finding entertaining. We're trying to release. One thing that I'm excited about with the Patreon is we haven't recorded a Jake and Amir watch Jake and Amir since we launched. Like we recorded all these before we launched.

Yeah. And when we record the next batch next month, it'll be like with people telling us which videos to watch and we'll kind of like be, we'll be like restarting, reinvigorating that series with people already on the Patreon. We're not like launching it in a vacuum anymore. And I'm already itching to start some more stuff. The two shows that we have now are going well, but I'm already interested into like what is a bonus podcast we can start?

What's like a 5 to 10 video series we can launch? Yeah. So actually, if you're listening to this and you maybe you don't subscribe to the Patreon yet, hop on Reddit, hop on Twitter, DM me on Instagram, but just let us know what podcast we could start that gets you there or if you've got an idea. Yeah, because we're talking about like, should it just be a vague thing where we're chatting, not necessarily answering questions, just catching up about our day? Or is that too vague?

Should it be something hyper specific like us interviewing each other or learning about a specific topic? Would that be of interest to you? Would it be like us interviewing a friend? Would it be us calling fans? What gets your goat? And what, yeah, what gets ours too? Because if we're going to start a second podcast.

I know for a fact, your family has gotten together and talked about you behind your back, Jake. I know that they've had, they've borderline- Like good stuff? No, no. That's fine. I mean, I love that they would get together and just like- Intervening about a series of medical and personality issues you have. Ranging from your instability to your lack of reliability.

That's so much the same thing. My family's so dumb and redundant. Redumbed it. They had a vote to see if they should kick you out of your own family. And who came out on which side? It ended up being 6-1 and for whatever reason, there's an old Hurwitz family rule that it has to be unanimous and it's getting very, very cool. Who is the lone wolf that voted to keep me in?

I owe that person a pie. It was your father. Really? The same father that you've been- I really rail against him often. So the fact that he came to save, you're a little bit crying, right? Shout out to Daddy Hurwitz. It was his birthday last week.

I'd never met such an old punk in before. So you're still- That's pretty neat. You're still digging into him. To be a gourd, to be an old gourd. He is my lord. What's another podcast idea that we were debating or you were thinking of? We had talked about the Follow Up Pup podcast where we-

It's sort of like an extension of If I Were You, where we basically solicit people who have followed our advice and we may even actually call them and talk about what happened. Yeah, like a Follow Up Pup interview show. Yeah, and that's kind of cool because people on Patreon could be like, I've always wondered what happened to this person. Oh, that's good. We could use Game Boy terms, find their email, follow up with them,

ask if they'd be willing to come on the show and talk to us. We need to do another live stream for the middle tier as well. We have them a monthly live stream. And we're almost at the end of the first month. The other podcast idea that I just had is- I remember when I talked about doing a soccer podcast. There was a lot of people that DM'd me on Instagram and told me that we should do it. A soccer podcast.

Yeah. So if you and I just made a commitment to start watching soccer and talk about it. Interesting. It's so niche. It is so niche, but I don't know. There's a lot of people out there, even if you're not into soccer, maybe you've been thinking about it because it's so fun to watch. Yeah, but-

And my brother told me that there's games in the- Which league is one that Manchester United is in? English Premier League. Yeah, he was saying that English Premier League, they play on the weekends. You just watch it just like football. Right, it's like on Saturday night over there. So it's like Saturday morning here. Yeah, which is great.

That's perfect. Yeah. Watch that instead of college football. And then we talk about it that next week. Even though we don't know that much, we're just like watching and talking about how we- Yeah, it would be helpful if we could talk to a real soccer hooligan. Yeah. Or, but I mean, we could also just be novices at it and see what happens.

And we can basically try anything for a limited run. We can do like five episodes of the follow-up podcast. We could do five episodes of the soccer podcast. Yeah, podcast. Patreon just gives us a platform to try things out. I do have a good name for the soccer podcast. Okay. Wanna be hooligans.

Wanna be hooligans. Yeah, because that's like a hooligan as a soccer fan, right? Well, that's what episode one could be about. Great. Episode one where we just learned the songs. Yeah, or the rules. That's my favorite part about soccer is having- The chance.

Yeah, the chance and the songs. What other- like do- no American sport has that, right? Yeah, like baseball sometimes has like the uh-uh-uh, which is kind of like an offensive Native American chant. Yeah, and I like that one. It's fun to do. And the Red Sox have Sweet Caroline. But that's just like a fucking song.

Yeah. But aren't most of them just songs? No, like chance, like are you like- I think this is episode one of that podcast. Chance. We've- we learned all of the chance. I'll choose my team based on the coolest chant for sure. That's cool.

By- by any chance do you have any chance? And that's the end of this teaser episode, because you really ruined the mood. With that joke more so than the cancer thing. I'm sorry to hear that. All right, let's get into a taste, a sample of the video, if I were you, that's online right now on our Patreon. With Riley Anspaugh.

That's right, Riley joined us to try to dispense some wisdom. You can listen to it the whole episode on the Patreon podcast feed, or you can watch the darn thing on Patreon.com slash J.A. Boom. Here it is. All right, ready? Yeah. Mm-hmm.

All right, enough fucking around. Welcome to the shit zone. We're going to answer your awesomest questions, and we're going to get to the bottom of it. But do you have what it takes? Dude, dude, dude, do you got it, Riley? I didn't know this is what I was getting into. Lock the door.

Oh my god. Lock the door. No, I can't keep that energy up, actually. Yeah, that's really- You brought it from like a 15 to a five so fast. Actually, that took a- that took a lot out of me. Mm-hmm. Are you done?

Do you need to lie down? Should we play the outro song? No, I might just need to, uh, fuck. It's like- Did you just get a cold? Yeah, because like when I yell, my immune system's like higher than it does. Ryland and Spa.

My first name. Is that your full name? Ryland and Spa. Riley is short for Ryland. That's really cool. And And Spa is long for your middle name and Spa. And then your last name, Spa. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Exactly right. What's your middle name? I have two. Nice. So do I. Oh, what are yours? I'll tell you if you tell me.

We get started or- You guys are fucking gathering. Oh, you're still here. Sorry, we were just friendly. We're just friendly. Riley and I are friends. Yeah. Yeah, but like the whole like-

Ew, let's fucking talk about it. It's cool to like be- It's cool to like actually experience being friends with your boss. It's fucking desperate. It's fucking desperate. For who? I know your middle name.

It's a waste of opportunity. It's a waste of opportunity. For you? Yeah, because we're very limited in terms of digital content. Like, what the fuck's the point? I think you're- you might be really- Wow. You might be really stupid.

Correct me if I'm wrong. What's your fucking- What's my name you think is a waste of digital- Content. An opportunity. Cost. Yeah. What's your fucking middle name, Marie?

That's mine. Is it? Yeah. Is it really? Nice. That's the first of two. Really? Yeah.

So what's the second one? Fucking Osmond? No. What? Jude. Close. Marie Jude. Riley Marie Jude Anspaugh.

And I'm Jacob Penkooper Hurwitz. Wow. And Amir? Jude, actually. Yeah. Juden. No, we all know your middle name. It's Shmuel, but it's- that's Yiddish for Jude.

Yeah. Riley, just so you know, this is a video, a special Patreon-only exclusive episode of our podcast. We're recording this there. There's a hidden camera there. Two more over here. You have a GoPro in your urethra filming into your body. And I'm taking a selfie.

There's a little camera on this, so it's- Let's cut to the GoPro cam. Just- Under black. There's one more inside me. Yeah. And it's giving me- Ah.

My stomach hurts, but it is in there. It looks good, though. Yeah, it's dark and it's hot down there, but it's fine. But we're still- at the end of the day, this is an advice show. We still need to answer some questions. So why don't we get right to it? Yeah, because the opportunity in digital content.

We're really wasting it. You want to fucking talk about your birthdays now? August 5th. June 3rd. Nice. Nice. I love that. I never got celebrations in school because my

birthday was in the summer. You're rolling your eyes so far. Kids of shit. Ask a question, then. I don't have any. I don't need them. You're like so hell-bent on creating good online digital content, but you're just screaming at us.

You're just being mean. You guys care about my middle name. Do you give a shit about- We did ask your birthday. You said it was Jude. You tried to steal Riley's middle name. I thought it would be a conversation starter. It was a conversation ender.

Fair. We started the conversation. You said let's move on. This is a waste. Yeah, this entire time you've just been trying to hijack a conversation and bring it to an abrupt end before it's even run its course. Daniel Day Lewis writes-

Holy shit. I can't believe you wrote it in. One of my best buds who's currently unemployed has been aggressively looking for a job for a few months now. He's 31 years old, has a bachelor's degree, and is more than qualified for many of these jobs. He keeps getting turned down for these jobs, and he's starting to feel discouraged about the whole process.

I feel for him, but I think I know why he keeps getting rejected. His teeth are disgusting. I'm talking black tar from cigarettes, visible plaque. Just overall awful teeth. Were it not for his nice clothes and haircut, he'd look like a freaking homeless dude. I normally overlook his atrocious maw, but because he's

my bud, I worry about potential employers aren't as forgiving. I mean, who wants to hire someone who looks like a meth addict? So my question to you, fellers is, should I say something? And Riley? Yeah. Riley's here too.

Sorry, he didn't know that. Daniel, just easy. Yeah. Fellers. No, it's okay. It's just fucked up. I get it a lot. It's fine.

It pisses me off, Riley. Don't make a big thing of it. It should piss you off more than it pisses Riley off. It's just, it's like fine. It seems like she doesn't want it for you. It's rude. It's crude. And honestly, dudes?

Yeah. Guys? Right. That was dudes right here. You just made a point to be like inclusive of me being here as a woman. And now you're saying dudes as guys. And now you're crying.

Just like stop. Now you're crying so quickly. You went mad. You're making a big thing. To sad. And now, okay, you're what? What is this one? Why are you more sad than I am?

You're dumbed by it. You're dumbed by it. It made me dumb. Yeah. It made me simple. Yeah. You're simple. He's a bit touched.

I actually, I became a simpleton when I- Oh no. You are. Okay, should I say something as his friend? And if so, how do I bring it up? I can't just say, hey man, your teeth are fucked up. Hope you're, help you're having a great day. Please help a brother out.

That's not bad. Your teeth are fucked up. Hope you're having a great day. Maybe Edwin, I hope you're having a great day. That's fine. You could give any, any awful criticism you want as long as you say, hope you're having a great day. You're a nasty little idiot and you have bad skin

and weird, a weird nose and you're poor. Hope you're having a great day. Okay, that's funny. That's great. I mean, that's fun. I'm having a sour day because of the thing you see. So it was good before that. Yeah, but now we're talking about the day.

Yeah, you're small, you're meek, and you're very close-minded. You're talking to him. Talking to you. What the fuck? You're an absolute bigot and no one likes being around you, but hope you're having a great day, brother. Well, thanks, girl. I'm having a nice day.

I love the autumn. It is February 9th. Really? Yeah. Damn, he's come out slow. Riley, I'm sorry to hear that. Riley, you have great teeth. What's your oral hygiene history?

Were you a braces? Were you a retainer? Were you an expander? Oh. Are they veneers? That's fine, too. Pulse them all out. So sharp.

Or is it like, oh, I've never had any of that stuff. I'm just naturally perfectly aligned, which I hate. What is it? Do you want me to answer? I want you to answer truthfully. I just hope it aligns with my worldview. You're getting sicker as you continue to see. She never had braces, bud.

No, I did. When I was younger, I had Buck Gap Tea. Buck Gap. Oh, my God. How can they be they're out far and thick? They were out far and wide. It's what happens. Loves would love to see a photo.

Oh, there's so many. It was great. You could drive a double-decker bus through those boys. I love that. The Dave Letterman style. It was truly like that. And Letterman teeth. Letterman teeth on eight-year-old Riley.

Can orthodontists shape it in any way they want, or is braces made specifically to straighten your teeth? You could get apex braces. Yeah, I want braces that give me a separation, or I want teeth that are aligned like a triangle, or maybe I can have every other teeth. That's the next thing that Christian Bale is going to do. A real method actor.

Like maybe Daniel Day Lewis. I lost 80 pounds, and also I made my teeth crooked for the role. I'm sure that can happen. It took three years, but I ruined my bite for a fucking movie. For four months of my life. Because my character, when he bites into a sandwich, can't really get a clean break on the lettuce. You know what I mean?

I want a guy that can turn sharp. Yeah, I want a character. Blunt my teeth. To character soft the edge. How do you tell your friend if they have shitty teeth? What are you trying to say? How do you tell somebody these news? How do you give somebody news like this?

I don't know if you do. I don't know if it's your right. I don't know if it's your role. I don't know if these job offers are actually being ruined by the teeth situation. I don't even know if that's legal. Did you feel like this? Did you feel like he feels?

What? What do you mean? I feel like he's wrong across the board. I think that this is totally within the friend's bounds. And I think this is probably why the guy's not getting the job. I think if the friend asks point blank, like why do you think I'm not getting these jobs? Then I think maybe.

I think lead by example. If the guys are having a sleepover, let's say. Yeah. It looks floss. Yeah, the friend would be like, look at this crest, like optic white I'm using. Do you want some? That's cool.

And show you. No, I'm good. I'm going to brush my teeth with this snickers bar. Why can't I get a job? You put in your retainer and I'll put in this thing that makes cola on my teeth for eight hours straight. Or maybe we could try flossing with a water pick. I put an Oreo on the top.

And a Twix on the bottom. And I smashed my face into mud. And that's how I sleep. And can I have a job? What if you dare to? And can I marry your fucking daughter? Where did you dare to him? Like what if you're like, I bet you can't do that?

Like because guys love a challenge. I feel like I dare you to brush your teeth twice, if not thrice daily. Whoa, a double doggy dare. It's beyond brushing. Yeah, so. Beyond brushing. Brushing and flossing.

He needs veneers. He needs veneers. He needs veneers. I just learned about veneers and how prevalent they are. A lot of actors and actresses just have fake teeth on their teeth. Toddlers and TRs, the children do that as well. For baby teeth? Baby teeth, veneers.

Baby teeth, veneers. That should be illegal. You ever seen a baby that's like super hot except for his smile? Yeah, easy. What? I'm serious. Just like. Except for his smile.

What are you talking about? Sexy. Like a 10 in every regard. Obviously not. Except the kid just has sort of a crooked smile. Like a shit eating grin. Yeah. And you're like.

And he's two. Listen. And he's two. Listen, young baby, you're a god. You're old again. You're a bitch. I'm six months old. You would be a fucking piece of ass.

It's like imprinting in Twilight when the wolf falls in love with the baby on site. Jesus. That's in Twilight? Yes. I've never, that's so fucked up. It's called imprinting. Say that again. What happened to Twilight?

The wolf, the werewolf falls in love with the baby of the vampire on site. This is like the most fucked up joke I've ever made on the podcast is just the point of a multi-million dollar franchise. But it's like, it's like, no, I'm not going to fuck the baby. It's like, no, I'm going to love you like a brother. And then once you're of age, then we're going to get married. That's sort of like the point in The Time Traveler's Wife, too, where like this guy's like a 34-year-old and he like time travels back and he like meets his wife as she's like

five and he like knows her whole life. And then like at a certain point when she's like 18, it's like now we're ready. That's, yeah, it's fucked as hell. But your joke was also pretty bad. Anyway, I think you say, look, bud, I think that your, that your teeth are messed up and I want to help you fix it. And the reason I think it's worth having this hard conversation is because this will drastically improve his life.

It's not just the job. He's going to have like more self-confidence. He's going to be able to like date people. He's going to be, I think it's going to, it's going to be such a boon to him as a, as a person. A bread? A boon? Yeah. Or an errand boon.

It'll be more of an errand boon in that regard. A Megan Batoon. It will be amazing. A Megan Batoon and an errand boon. I think it will be a walk-off homer in game seven of the 2003 ALCS with Aaron Boone's Time to Shine. You're thinking he doesn't know that his teeth are bad, that this is an eye-opening conversation you have to have with him. He might know.

He might have an inkling. He might be like, I have bad teeth. He has to know. He probably knows, but he probably doesn't know that like other people are noticing it. You know, sometimes when you're like, oh, I've got this zit and like, but you know what? I probably notice it more than other people, right? Like you're, you're one thing that you're insecure about. You're like, I can, I can imagine that I focus on it more so than others.

Yeah. But you want to be like, no, everybody knows it. That's why you can't get a job. I think you need to confirm his worst fears. I do. Well, I also think like if, if someone has bad teeth or like the thought process might be, okay, it's bad, but it's not as bad as other people. So that's why they don't notice it.

And maybe it's like, you know, if someone's a smoker, it's like showing someone a photo of like a black lung. I show him bad teeth, but it's actually his teeth. And like show a photo and be like, look at how bad your teeth were like this. You're holding a beer. Imagine if your teeth look like this. Fulmure. I'm hideous.

All right. So we got one vote for tell him one vote for not. And then Riley. Show don't tell. That's beautiful. Thank you. All right. Next question is a 20 year old college student.

That's it for now. That's all you get. You coy little divas. And if you want the whole darn shebang, as well as every episode of Jake and Amir, watch Jake and Amir so far and other episodes of if I were you. And all the episodes to come. It's patreon.com slash j a get in there. We're going to check out the comments, try to get in there and start a discussion.

Try to treat it like more of a message board. So get in there. Let us know what you think and we'll probably reply to you. Thanks for listening, everybody. Later.