Judge John Hodgman - Live From Boston 2023

Episode Date: November 15, 2023

This episode was recorded in front of a LIVE audience on the Van Freaks Roadshow! All the way from The Wilbur in Boston, we have "Order in Decor!" and Swift Justice! Plus GBH'S ANTIQUES ROADSHOW Executive Producer Marsha Bemko. And music from Laura Valk of Skout and Fenway Park's own Josh Kantor!Like this episode? You won't want to miss THE VAN FREAKS ROADSHOW STREAMING EVENT: From the Opera House in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Premiering November 18 at 8pm ET! Tickets are on sale NOW at stagepilot.com/jjh!Thanks to reddit user u/Junk_Mutluck for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at maximumfun.reddit.com!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne, and with me is Judge John Hodgman. And this week, we are presenting a special episode recorded live at the Wilbur Theater in Boston with incredible guests, Marcia Bemko, executive producer of GBH's Antiques Roadshow. Jesse, she was a lot of fun. Oh, my gosh.

You could not have a more fun or more Boston-y guest than Marcia Bemko, who came in like a whirlwind and was absolutely delightful. Four words, Cape Cod, my friend. Also, we kept it pretty Boston-y with Josh Cantor, our musical guest, who is also the Fenway Park organist. Yeah, you know you're doing it right in Boston when you got Fenway's organist playing the keys for you. That was an awesome time. And hey, guess what?

If people have a fun time listening to this or our other live shows and they want to see a live show, but maybe they didn't get a chance to on the tour or maybe they want to see an all-new live show. Then too bad for them because there's no opportunities available. That's incorrect because our tour grand finale at the Opera House in Williamsburg, Brooklyn was recorded for your enjoyment. We are going to be watching it live on a live stream on Saturday night, but it will also be available for two weeks thereafter. If you want a ticket, all you have to do is go to vanfreaksroadshow.com. And the live recording includes our music performances. It includes our special guests. It includes some pretty monumental props.

These are definitely our biggest props of all time. Can I say backstage antics? Yeah, there are some backstage antics. That's true. You get to take a live look in. And we even have meet and greets for that show. look in. And we even have meet and greets for that show. We had a lot of fun doing meet and greets on our tour. And so we're doing meet and greets via the internet for this live streaming show. So go get a ticket. VanFreaksRoadShow.com is where to do it. Even if you went to one of the other shows, this is an all new, all different show. So you'll really enjoy it. VanFreaksRoadShow.com is where to do it. Even if you went to one of the other shows, this is an all-new, all-different show. So you'll really enjoy it. vanfreaksroadshow.com for that live stream. Now let's go to the stage at the Wilbur Theater in Boston, Massachusetts.

People of Boston, you asked us for live justice and we are here to deliver it. The court of Judge John Hodgman is now in session. the court of Judge John Hodgman is now in session. Let's bring out our first set of litigants. Please welcome to the stage, Chief and Lucy. Tonight's case, order in decor. Chief brings the case against his mom, Lucy. Chief says Lucy has too much stuff in her house. He wants her to try to declutter.

She says, no. Who's right, who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference. Davenports and kettle drums, swallowtail coats, tablecloths and patent leather shoes,

bathing suits and bowling balls and clarinets and rings. All this radio really needs is a fuse. A tinker, a tailor, a mother's thing. It always goes on longer than you. A gallon of scallops and rocks. Oh, and this one is for bravery. This one is for me. It's been literally every show on the tour.

And everything's a dollar in this box. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the men. Chief and Lucy, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, or whatever? Whatever. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling whether or not it sparks joy?

Yes. As best I can. I do. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Chief and Lucy, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors. Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered this courtroom?

Lucy, your son's name is Cheev. Is that correct? Cheev? It's not what I named him. What is it? What is your actual name, sir? My first, my government. Your given name. Oh, Andrew. Andrew. Well, you go by Cheev. Correct.

Okay, cool. You notice how cool your mom is? Yeah. Yeah. She just calls mom is? Yeah. Yeah. She just calls herself Lucy. Yeah. Is that a nickname, Lucy? Sort of.

Oh, sort of. Never mind. Oh, no, I will mind. Thank you very much. Do you have a different given name or is that short for Lucille or something like that? Well, it's just that I was named after a Mary Lou. You were named after a Mary Lou, but you call yourself Lucy. I do. Okay, great. Well, then you both renamed yourselves. Very good. Chief? Yes? Do you have a guess for the cultural reference? Well, I think that was your Tom Waits voice, maybe? Thank you. Yes, it was my Tom Waits voice.

Maybe. Could have been Clint Eastwood or Arnold Schwarzenegger with his other famous impressions. But I don't really know any of his songs. All right. I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. Raindog. That was a Tom Waits song called Soldier's Things from Swordfish Trombone. Thank you very much. 1980, blah, blah, blah. I don't even remember the date. It's a wonderful song. I changed the word soldier's things to a mother's things. I also changed the words from his rifle, his boots full of rocks, to a gallon of scallops and rocks.

Or as you might say in this commonwealth, scallops. In any case, we have to hear your case. So who comes to this court seeking fake justice? I do, Your Honor. Chief, what is your problem with your mother? Mom has too much stuff in her house, and eventually it's going to fall to me to deal with. Mom has too much stuff in her house, and in anticipation of her death... Well, in anticipation of her moving for whatever reason.

Right. In anticipation for her moving into her grave so that you can get your hands on that house, chief. Lucy, how do you respond? Do you have too much stuff? I don't have too much stuff, but I have been told that I'm sort of like a gaseous element that given the space, I will fill it. Sure.

And that has happened. And you have a home somewhere in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I do. And how large is the home, would you say? Four bedrooms. Four bedrooms, okay. And they're all full. Yes. Let the record show, Chief nodded,

and Lucy eventually said, yes. And you are living there by yourself? Yes. Right. No animals in the house? There would be three dogs. Three dogs, okay. We'll get to the dogs in a moment,

but let's take a look at the house. Chief submitted some photographic evidence, which we're going to share, obviously available on our Instagram, at JudgeSeanHodgman at MaximumFun.org on our show page. Can we see the first piece of evidence, please? All right. This is a half-finished basement. A minor gasp from the crowd. This is in your basement, ma'am? Yes. Has this been staged by Chief? No, but it doesn't look like that anymore. Oh, what happened? Well, I needed to move some things because I train my dogs in the basement.

Yeah, it's pretty messy. There's a fun poster up in the corner that says it's all about the beer baby. Can you tell me the story of that? The children did that. Chief, did you make a poster that said it's all about the beer baby in the style of an Austin Powers poster? One of my high school friends worked on a booze cruise out of Rockport. Oh, I see. Which everyone is not dry.

So this is your garbage down here. Some of it. Okay, well, we can take that away right away. You can take that home with you now, Chief. Excited to. Anything else you want to clear out of here? What about these two basketballs? Yeah, there are two basketballs.

How much basketball is being played in the house? Two basketballs. One of them looks like it's gone very moldy. I'm going to be honest with you. I do not begrudge you the possession of Advil liquid gels, but this may be too many Advil liquid gels. What would you call this? A palette of Advil liquid gels? Let's go to the next piece of evidence. Now, slightly more of a gasp. This is the back basement, Lucy. What's going on in here? Chief, why don't you talk about it? You can tell me what you see, or you can tell me what bothers you.

My wife, Kathy, thinks it looks like a thrift store with all of the shelves and various... We got jars and kitchen stuff in the middle one. Lots of paper and maybe picture frames on the far left. There's a lot on the right for as much as is there, including that Ranger Rick chair. I think that's been, a lot of that has been... Oh, wow. I mean, I was trying to make my eyes go fuzzy

so I could see the magic 3D picture in all of this and somehow it was going to resolve into a Ranger Rick chair. But now I see it's way over there in the corner. And I think some of this on the far right has been cleared out, but at least last time I was there, then some more stuff had materialized. There's a stack of aluminum roasting pans

over there in the corner, which I think, Lucy, how would you feel about getting rid of those? I'm good with it. Yeah, that's cool. How do you feel about the fact that your son has provided, has taken pictures of your basement and is trying to shame you in front of Boston?

I'm not ashamed. Yeah. Let's go to the next picture. This is your office, I believe, or an office. I'm curious. I mean, there's a lot of stuff in here, but I'm curious about all these ribbons. What's going on with these ribbons? Well, that's all about the dogs.

Oh. So you have three dogs. What kind of dogs do you have and what are their names? They are Louisiana Catahoula Leopard Dogs. Tell me the names of the dogs. Toblerone. Yeah. Semi- names of the dogs. Toblerone. Yeah. Semi-sweet mocha.

Oh, Henry Etta. Oh, Henry Etta. Because it's a girl. No, I understand. Why do you want to get your mom in trouble here, Chief? Look at this. No, I just want to get rid of the stuff.

The stuff? Chief, more importantly, why are we gendering our chocolate bars? I did not name the dogs. Would you say that this represents all of your home, Lucy? That your whole home is like this? No, not all of it. No, indeed, there is some more evidence that we received. Was this from you, Lucy, or from Chief?

It was all from Chief. It was all from Chief. So you don't want to win your own case, because let's look at the next piece of evidence. Very tidy kitchen. I mean, when you look at this, isn't that like one of the greatest mom kitchens of all time? Like, I totally want to come home from college and hang out in that kitchen

with all my friends from high school. Why did you submit this piece of evidence, Chief? I actually don't think my mom is that messy. I think it's a volume issue. I think there's too much. I think she has more stuff than one person needs. Well, yes. And most do. But it does seem to be confined to certain areas of the home, the basement in particular. What's the problem

there if she can live a perfectly tidy life in the kitchen? And next slide, please. The living room looks very nice, very tidy, about as tidy as a house with three Catahoula leopard dogs can be. I mean, there are some bones on the floor and Kongs and whatnot. There's one dog on the couch right there. Who's that? Toblerone. Toblerone. I figured that looked like Toblerone to me. I forgot to ask why the dogs are getting blue ribbons. why the dogs are getting blue ribbons. I didn't know that they were feats of strength. I didn't know that dog weight pulling existed.

Neither did I till Smoke came. Till Smoke came. Smoke still with us? Oh, yes. Chief, if you want to take a walk around the block at this point, I've just got many questions for your mom. Smoke does have his own brand of wine. Or at least he was featured on a wine label. Wow.

There are a lot of left turns. A lot of left turns in Boston. Hard to drive around this town. The roads were originally cattle paths. There are no straight lines. Next slide. Okay, so let me guess. Smoke, Toblerone, O. Henrietta, in order.

That's the way I want them. One, two, three. Dog show style. Well, these are all adorable dogs, and you're all having so much fun at home, and you're retired. Is that correct, Lucy? It is.

What are you retired from, if I may ask? Occupational therapy. Ah, wonderful. Yeah. what do you want to move out of this house? Uh if if I had my brothers would downsize everything to just like one and a half bedrooms whatever mom will take with her to the to wherever she would move to. Like a condo, like a condo. Lucy, are you planning to move anytime soon? I am not. No. Achieve a sort of boxy pine condo. Below grade.

Mom's mom is 96 and probably the best at crosswords of all of us. So maybe we have 30, 40 years to clear up this house. Why aren't you gunning for her place? I didn't ask Gramsal to write an affidavit, but I think when she brought you three bags of things and she said, now four bags of things have to come out of the house. She did say that. Why is she bringing three bags of things to you to begin with?

What things did your mother bring? It's just people like to, I have a big house, so they say, here, hold these things for me. Right. Actually, my mother was saying, last chance to go through this, and then it's... Yeah, it's just like when she was in high school. These aren't my drugs.

Someone just gave them to help me to hold. Yeah, 100%. You're just describing a drug dealer at an airport. Your mother has no plans to move. So why do you care? When mom moves out of the house, like it's going to be emotional. It's going to be a big deal, whatever it is, whether it's to a one bedroom condo or a pine box condo. And I would rather focus on those big feelings than the stuff. Lucy, it sounds like you're not all that attached to the extra stuff in your house. You seem pretty ready to let go of some of the things that we pointed out. So tell me why you haven't been the one to get rid of those things.

I have better things to do. Would you be averse to Chief coming in and cleaning out some stuff from the basement? I like it when we do it together so we can have those emotional conversations. Right. When would you like to begin decluttering if you were to do it sometime in the future? Do you have an idea? Well, I don't mind doing it in small bits. I just don't want to make it part of my, you know, great big project

that's going to take away from my enjoying being retired. How often do you see your mother, Chief? You live here in the same Commonwealth? Correct. Yeah. How often do you see your mother? Every three, I go visit every three or four weeks, I would say. And maybe she comes see me

in between then. Would it be annoying to you if every three or four weeks Chief came and took some stuff away? That's kind of what happens. Would you like me to stop it? I have that power. It's fine. I understand that getting rid of some of this stuff is a good thing to do, but I'm not going to settle down and pack up all that stuff. Got it. Well,

Chief, if I were to rule in your favor, what would you have me rule? Like a strict more out than in, because it's true we've had some good successes, but it seems like when I come back the next time, mom calls it backsliding. It feels like there's more stuff has accumulated. So a more out than in rule. And I want to offer help that you're asking for, but you help so many other people. I would like to help you around the house. I just think it's too much. It's too big house for one person.

So that'd be my other ask. I don't know if you can... Order her to leave her home? No, no. Just, I don't know if you can encourage her to ask for or accept some more help from me. It says here, Lucy, that if I were to rule in your favor,

you would like me to rule, quote, let me have my stuff, let me live my life, he should be enjoying my company, exclamation point, end quote. And it sounds like the audience is on your side. Does that represent your point of view, would you say? Pretty much. Okay. I think I heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm going to go into my chambers. I'll be back in a moment with my verdict. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Lucy, how are you feeling about your chances in the case right now? Oh, I think they're pretty good.

I think everybody has their own amount of clutter and can empathize with how it can accumulate. And to be told what to do by your child. Lucy, do you know that when you said you wanted to get together with your son to have emotional conversations, it sounded like a threat? She's shrugging innocently. Chief, how are you feeling about your chances? Well, I don't think I'm going to win this one. But I feel good to sometimes have an emotional conversation in Massachusetts.

You got to bring your family members to court. We'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom and presents his verdict. Well, I don't think I'm going to get a line better than that one, Chief. I'm really pissed off now. You really... I forgot to ask. Are you an only child?

No. Okay. Never mind. Anyway, I like you less. Anyway, I like you fine. Anyway, you know, the other thing you said that impressed me was that, you know, obvious, your expression of true care for your mom. You really came out of the gate making an argument that sounded like,

yeah, I'm trying to salvage as much scrap wood as I can from my mom's basement so I can build a platform to dance on her grave. And I'm now convinced that you love your mother and you wish the best for her. I don't share your concern insofar as all the photos were submitted by you. And it's obvious that your mom has very tidy space in her life and a very cluttered area in her life. And she seems very happy that way, correct? Correct. Yeah.

And by the way, when you've got three Catahoula leopard dogs, and I mean, look, I don't know your age. I'm betting that I'm a little bit younger than your mom, but she's about five times as vibrant as I am. Like I couldn't handle those three dogs. So I appreciate that when I fantasize about retirement, which I think about spending the time I want to spend it,

not the way Chief wants me to spend it. I am cognizant of the fact that the back basement in particular seems to be a possible haven for rodents and maybe dead bodies. There's a lot going on down there. And I think it might be time to consider cleaning it out. But I don't think that you should take too much of your mother's time to do this.

Nor do I think you should worry so much. I think that it's going to be a long time before this is an issue. You should concentrate on getting your grandma to stop dropping contraband off. Maybe you can start by going over to your grandma's house and getting rid of some of that stuff before it finds its way over to your mom's house and stem the tide that way. And then I would say every third time you go over, have an emotional conversation. And if you survive it, ask if you can take out one bin of stuff every third time. Otherwise, just what is it you wanted to do? Let your mother have her stuff, live her life,

and enjoy her company. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is it. Thank you. Jeeve and Lucy, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast

always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example?

The braised short ribs, they're Made in, made in. The Rohan duck, made in, made in. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made in, made in. Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs, the best professional chefs.

Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast

is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible,

rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world, and you get to hear this sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually

having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners, at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Now, before we get to Swift Justice, we actually have a surprise for you this evening. We have been very lucky to tour with two incredibly talented people. One of them is Stephen Colon, who's sitting over there and has been recording all of these shows for our podcast. And the other is our tour producer, Laura Volk, who's been keeping us on time and on schedule and getting everything set up.

All of that while balancing the beautiful cognitive dissonance of the fact that she's probably a more talented person than we are. Definitely more talented than we are. And an incredible musician who has a band called Scout, S-K-O-U-T. And they just released a new single called Pearls. And here to perform that song for you and us now, please welcome Laura Voll. Hi, I'm Laura. I write music under the name Scout with a K, S-K-O-U-T. I've been on the road with John and Jesse for about a month, and when they discovered I played music,

they were like, well, you've got to play your new song for our Boston crowd. They're going to love you. Thanks. So if you do like it, it would mean the world if you streamed the song or followed me on social media, and if you hate it, you can blame John and Jesse because this was their idea.

So thank you so much. This is a song called Pearls, and it's about how sometimes we think about people who we know weren't right for us. New York or West LA Then we were gonna settle on the coast someday You'd be all the air I breathe Young love, but we'd beat the odds The most exceptional exception that there ever was These days it's hard to see how a love like that could ever fit me I was never gonna wear those pearls you liked never gonna hang on your arm all night

Never gonna be the one to play golf on Sundays I'm gonna be the one to play golf on Sundays I would never find a way to impress your dad Fitting with your friends but despite all that Some days I still pretend All that we could have been All that we could have been. All that we could have been. Life's short, at least they say it is. So why do you and I feel like 100 years ago?

No point in peddling what ifs, the maybes and the coulda beens I was never gonna wear those pearls you liked Never gonna hang on your arm all night Never gonna be the one to play golf on Sundays I would never find a way to impress your dad Fitting with your friends, but despite all that Some days I still pretend All that we could have been

All that we could have been All that we could have been Well, I don't miss you No, I don't wish you were still mine All this time Cause I don't recognize That girl who was just trying To fit into her skin. I found a love and life that feels right. I was never gonna wear those pearls you liked. Never gonna hang on your arm all night.

Never gonna be the one to play golf on Sundays. Maybe Saturdays. I would never find a way to impress your dad. Fitting with your friends. But despite all that, some days I still pretend. All that we could have been. Thank you so much. I'm Scout. It was a pleasure. Thank you. Laura Valt, the band is Scout. The single is called Pearls.

Share it. Stream it. Scoutmusic.com I know I said earlier that before we move on to Swift Justice, we have a surprise for you, and that was true. That was it. And now, before we move on to Swift Justice, we have another surprise for you. It was a very special guest. As you know, as I mentioned before, the name of our tour is Van Freaks Roadshow. For all the reasons that I gave before, our mutual love of the Antiques Roadshow and the Japanese market-only adventure van, the Mitsubishi Delica. I'll see you outside in the Mazda Bongo later on. I'm sorry we couldn't get a Delica, but we have the next best thing,

a Mazda Bongo. But in terms of the Antiques Roadshow, we have the first best thing. Isn't that correct, Jesse? That's absolutely correct. Our special guest tonight is executive producer of GBH's Antiques Roadshow. She's been running the roadshow for over 20 years. Please welcome to the stage, Marsha Bemko. Wow, round of applause also for Josh Cantor, who learned the Antiques Roadshow theme after rehearsal in about 35 seconds. Marsha Bemko, welcome to our stage. Thank you for being here. It's such a thrill for both me and Jessie.

It's such a thrill for me to be here and to have your show named after us. Love that. That's right. Yes, yeah. So how did you get involved with GBH's Antiques Roadshow? I'll give you the short story. I bet you you won't.

I got involved with the Antiques Roadshow because, let's see, we were in season 28 back in 24 years ago. Yep. Somebody asked me to do it. I said no. They convinced me to do it. And then I fell in love with the Antiques Roadshow.

Sure. And I stayed and I've been there ever since, like 24 years later. Did you have any background in collecting or appraising or putting stuff in the back basement, taking stuff out of the back basement? No, I'm very tidy. The junk and stuff business, the beautiful junk and stuff business? No, I don't have any of that kind of experience. I'm very, very tidy. Had no antiques experience, but I love making the show,

and I know a little bit more now. I've learned something. I think our show is, you know, it's about the conflicts, but also about the feelings behind the conflicts and getting to know the people behind the conflicts. I think that's sort of similar to the roadshow, which is about the objects and their history, certainly, but also about the people who are on camera.

Are there any, like, particular special people who blew your mind that you've met through the roadshow, through them walking in the door of a convention center or whatever? We don't do our show in convention centers anymore. Just getting that right. Or you should probably watch the show, Jessie. Probably check it out. Sometimes they do it up in Maine with me.

Come up to my house in Maine. That's right. I've never been on. John had his own private road show. Yeah. Yeah. Special people. I've had so many special people,

special stories. I've had people I've cried with. I've had people I've laughed with. We've had, so we were in Boise a couple of years ago, and we traveled with two IT people. Back in the old days, we didn't have to do that. We used paper. But anyways, the IT people, Thai people like to take turns coming, because it's good to come to a roadshow. So one of our IT people came, Eric, and he brought his partner with him, Jeff, from Boston. The only time Jeff has ever come to an Antiques Roadshow. And we have this rule, by the way,

we use 110 volunteers at Antiques Roadshow. And we have a rule with the volunteers, don't talk to our guests. Why? Because otherwise they say things like, oh, what a great painting by Picasso and they didn't know it. So they wreck it for us. Right. We don't like that. You want to hide the information. They need to shut up. Yeah. Can it, volunteers? Damn it, volunteers. Keep quiet. Yeah.

You want the guests to be totally in the dark. Totally in the dark. So when you reveal that their stuff is worth money or nothing, they fall down. If it's worth money, they fall down. If it's worth nothing, they go, hmm, well, I sure treasure it. It means a lot to me. Kind of like that cash register I brought on the Antiques Roadshow that time in Maine. Listen, it means a lot to you just because it wasn't worth a lot of money, John.

It's okay. You're re-traumatizing me, but... So anyway, volunteers can't talk to the guests. So what happens is that the guest comes in and she goes to the arms and military table and she has special forces badges, which are worth quite a bit of money. Okay, making a note.

Yeah, like, you know, $10,000 for a couple badges. But as I'm getting pitched this story, the volunteer, Jeff, starts, he's listening in on what this guest is saying. say. And she's saying how her relative had saved General Gavin's life because he killed the sniper that was aiming for him. And sure enough, that was his Jeff's grandfather. What? He was alive because of the roach. Yes. He was alive because of the roadshow. Yes. He's alive because that guy's safe. So it was just the biggest coincidence ever.

Yeah. They're friends. They went out for breakfast the next day. And I think that's just one of the most unusual coincidences at Roadshow. Yeah. I know Jesse was like, what are all human stories, blah, blah, blah. What's the weirdest stuff you ever saw? Okay.

We see all kinds of weird stuff. We even see the kind of stuff we cannot put on public television, right? We air at 8 p.m. here. Well, the kind of stuff you can't put on public television. Why, Marsha, that's got to be pretty racy. You can't put put on public television. Why, Marcia, that's got to be pretty racy. If you can't put it on public television. It's very racy, actually. Okay.

I bet. But this is racy for Roadshow, and you got to go. I mean, I take it back. I know public television gets pretty racy. I saw iClaudius. You can get away with a lot of stuff. Get away with a lot of racy stuff. It's all in the name of education of course and i saw the mcneil slash lair news hour yeah thank you john took a

minute to sink in yeah slash fiction i got you okay so the one of the sillier things and if if you got to go check this out on our website and watch it if you haven't seen it, are these little ceramic things called potty babies. Go on. Oh, go on, yes. And what they are is they're German. It's this tradition at Christmastime to give chocolates, and then the little potty things are poop and chocolate. The little potty babies are poop and chocolate in Germany?

Yeah. Yeah, into the potties. Into the potties. They were made in Germany. They were made in Germany. Yes. Yeah. Sorry, I've got to get this workflow down.

So the pooping babies. Yeah, the pooping babies. Yeah, the pooping babies. Are pooping chocolates into tiny potties. Yes. For Christmas. Yeah. Yeah, don't you want some? The reason for the season. Jessie, we've got to start a band called the Pooping Babies.

But before we do, we're going to hear as many cases as we can in 15 minutes. Marcia Bemko, would you stick around and help us render some judgments and appraise some litigants? This will be such a treat. Thank you. Yes. Of course. Thank you very much. Marcia Bemko, everybody. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and

enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. Thank you. And remember, you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O.

Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Judge Hodgman, are you enjoying this live show from Boston, Massachusetts? I am. I'm enjoying it again and for the very first time. Let me tell you something.

I had such a good time on the road with you, Jesse Thorne, and with everyone who came out to the Van Freaks Roadshow. And I happen to know that the people who came out for the Van Freaks Roadshow also had a really good time. And every night they saw a different show. And that means a whole lot of people on the tour and in the world never saw our show at the Opera House in Williamsburg. We talked about this show. It will be streaming live starting Saturday night

and running until December 3rd. So you can watch it on your own schedule. It is a really fun show with really special, unique cases, musical performances from John and myself and our pal Jonathan Colton working with John. It is a really great time. And I hope that everybody will go to vanfreaksroadshow.com and get themselves a ticket to that stream

because it is a blast and a half. I dare say with the holidays coming up, if you're a Judge John Hodgman longtime listener and you're a fan of Jason and his sadness tree from way back in year one, you're going to want to see this episode. There is some real Sadness Tree action. It really looks gorge.

I'm so impressed. The folks who put it together did such a beautiful job making it a really great thing to look at. It sounds beautiful. It's a real concert film. So I hope people will go to vanfreaksroadshow.com and get themselves a ticket. Let's get back to the stage in Boston, Massachusetts for Swift Justice. All right, let's put 15 minutes on the clock and we're going to start here in cases right away. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, you want to bring in the first litigants?

Please welcome to the stage Annette and Ben. Annette and Ben, welcome to the court of Judge John Hodgman, who seeks justice in my fake internet court. I do, Your Honor. Annette, what is the nature of the justice that you seek? So, I just want Ben to agree that in case I die fast, hopefully not soon, die fast, hopefully not soon, that he will send my body and he will come to Uganda to bury me there

in my own culture. In Uganda, where you are from? Yes. No, who's dying? Why are we talking about this? Sheev is trying to push his mom into the tomb. You're both young, vibrant people.

All right. You want to, so thinking The tomb? You're both young, vibrant people. All right. You want to, so thinking well ahead. Yes, you're all in that context. You would like to be buried in Uganda when you pass away. Exactly. And your husband, Ben, you don't want to honor your wife's wishes? Not at all. Okay.

I do want to honor her wishes, but I think there's more to it. So it says here that you have an issue or a problem with funerals here in the United States. Yes, I do. Okay. Tell me more, please. Yes. So there's a little bit of background. So we've been married for 19 years so when I moved here the year that I moved here grandma uh Benny's dad's grandma died so you can imagine I'm adjusting to a lot of cultural things yeah and so when we go for the funeral and they say grandma has died so we go all the way to Michigan and when I arrive I'm expecting to see a body there's no body like what's going on here and then we're just at the house

eating and looking at albums nobody's crying I am frightened I'm on the phone with my dad and I'm like I don't know what's going on here so anyway it seemed weird it seemed strange to you so strange did you believe that it was possibly a false funeral?

I was going to say maybe a classic Michigan prank funeral. No body, no tears? No body, no tears. But anyway, so fast forward, the next day there's a funeral. We see the body. Okay. Few. row we see the body okay nobody people are crying but they are not sobbing and no wailing in my culture people are throwing themselves down yeah did not i came back i have been ever since every time i'm like listen honey like you have i have to home. You don't want to, you don't want to go that way, the Michigan way. No, I have to go with the whole village throwing themselves down. You don't want to go that silently into that good night.

Yes, that's all I want. You want a habeas corpus, show them the body. Absolutely, yeah. I understand. Yes. So what happens in Uganda typically? It's more demonstrative. Exactly.

So in my tribe tribe different tribes do different uh different ways in my tribe we are called the Bagisu it's all over it's too much but whatever not enough as far as I'm concerned so if you died we mourn for three days right so they'll bring your body to your home because even even if you moved in the city, we still have like, you know, our central homes. Like my dad retired and we have our whole village home. So that's where they would bury everybody. What's going on in his basement? Too much stuff?

So they bring your body in everybody. Yeah. He's running to just mourn you. Even strangers. It'll be like people are passing by the road and they'll be like, what is happening there? Oh, somebody died. They'll come and cry like they know you.

It's that huge. So they will mourn for three days, but also not just mourning. Like in the evening, people are dancing like it's a whole party. It's crazy. They touch your body. They do all, like you go out like a celebrity. So I want all that. Okay. Yeah. They touch your body. They do all, like you go out like a celebrity. So I want all that. Okay.

Yeah. So in Ben's culture, in American culture, to be politically correct, white culture. That's fair. You're lucky for me. We're in arguably the capital of whiteness in the United States. Boston, Massachusetts. There's some funerals I've gone with my friends. I don't even see their body.

Not enough. Ben, let me ask you a question. Actually, no. Annette, your father is still alive? Yes. Have you discussed this plan with him? Yes. Unfortunately, the entire family.

It's so sad. My parents, my siblings. I have seven siblings. Everybody's on his side. What? It's so unfortunate because in my tribe, in my culture, if you are married. Right. You are supposed to be buried at your husband's home.

Home place. So Ben uses that in the entire family. Yes, I don't want family WhatsApp. I was looking for my younger family members who are different generation to support me. So everybody except the young ones, they're like, oh, absolutely. They have to bury you there. I'm like, no, because we're not living in the cultural context.

That was like, people were married from the next village. I'm like 7,000 miles away. All right, Ben, you want to put your wife in the cold, emotionalist Michigan dirt.

Tell me why. I love Annette deeply. There are 25 years. So do I and so do all of us. It's been a joyful adventure. And I want to be clear, I'm not insisting that Annette gets buried here. I hope I'm not in the position of having to grieve my wife's loss. All I ask is that a living and breathing annette today gives a little more thought to a potential future grieving devastated ben when she is no longer with us on this earth more just to think a little bit more about what that might be for me. I do. Do you find that the Michigan style of mourning the dead to be emotionally

productive for you? I was fine with funeral services. I've been to my own family. I've also, I went to her grandmother's funeral before she went to mine. And it certainly was a very cross-cultural experience for me. But going into this relationship, I knew it was cross-cultural and there would be surprises along the way. I thought of other things, cross-cultural, your honor. And I lived cross-culturally for 19 years, but this one, uh-uh. But you are,

you are, Annette, asking to cross the cultural interpretation of everyone else in your family. Marcia Bemko, do you have a thought, a question,

an issue you'd like to raise? How's it done in Boston? Drinking, right? How's it done in Boston? Drinking, right? How's this done in Boston? Happy wife, happy life. And I'm somebody's wife, so I would want you to do what the wife wants. However, the cultural thing where you're supposed to stay with the husband's family really tears me up a little because... But that's not, Your Honor, it's not true because culturally, the wife is supposed to cook,

but he cooks. Ben, it sounds like part of the challenge for this, for you, is that this would be a very complicated thing for you to handle while you are also grieving. Would it be possible or would you suggest that Annette purchase some sort of postage paid envelope? Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I have to step back into this courtroom. That you could keep in your back basement. As much as I respect the New England tradition of taking the most painful experiences in our lives, packing them in boxes and shipping them away forever. And as much as I appreciate, truly, Ben, the very, you know, painful even contemplation of this idea, never mind what it might feel like down the road, I think that you have to obviously honor your beloved's wishes. I have to ask out of fairness, Ben, do you have plans for how you'd like your body to be honored and celebrated?

I have no strong feelings about what happens to my body. Right. After I'm no longer on this earth. Oh, he's made it easy for you. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't help my case. So let me put it this way. Since you have no strong feelings, obviously you're getting a Ugandan funeral.

You're getting a Ugandan funeral. Anyone who wants a Ugandan funeral gets one today. I rule in Annette's favor. Sorry, Ben. It'll be very, very hard, but I hope that it might help you process. And I trust that it won't happen for a long, long, long, long, long time. Because just like Lucy, you're gonna live forever.

Thank you, Annette and Ben. Please welcome to the stage Elizabeth and Suzanne. Elizabeth and Suzanne, welcome to the court of Judge John Hodgman. Who seeks justice in this court? I do. And what is the nature of the justice you seek, Elizabeth? So this is my aunt Suzanne, and being from Massachusetts, as well as she is is in referring to myself as well as all the aunts in my family we would like her to introduce us and herself as Aunt Suzanne and not what she calls Aunt Suzanne. Whoa. Let the record reflect that Suzanne did a rock out move. You're from Massachusetts, you say? Yes.

I never would have guessed. Where are you from? I was raised in Medford, Massachusetts. Fantastic. Now, Suzanne, you are also from Massachusetts? Yes, I am. Where are you from? I'm from Newton, Massachusetts.

Newton, Massachusetts. And you're my rival. And I have heard of Newton in passing. Are you originally from Massachusetts? Yes, I was born in Boston, raised in Newton. I can hear some Boston, but you want to be called Aunt Suzanne. I can hear some Boston, but you want to be called Aunt Suzanne. No, I don't really care when anybody calls me, okay? When I lived in Massachusetts, I grew up in Massachusetts, I said aunt, okay?

But I moved to Washington, I moved to New York. And when I moved to New York, there were all these aunts. Aunt Mildred, Aunt Jo, Aunt Faye. And so when I talked about Aunt Mildred, nobody knew what I was talking about. Right, because that was Aunt Mildred. But you're Aunt Suzanne, aren't you? No, I'm not. I don't think anybody should tell anybody how to pronounce something. Okay.

And I think we have to respect, furthermore, respect accents. Okay. Just respect them. Well, I think that that's what your nice niece, sorry. Yeah. I think that's what your niece, Elizabeth, wants is to respect the accent. Right. In the Boston area, you would say.

I mean, right, Marcia Bemko? Tell me about this. Am I misremembering? If you're from Boston, it's aunt. It's an aunt. There's no aunts in Boston. And how would you know? I mean, I'm hearing your voice.

I don't think you're from Boston. That's because I have a tainted accent, but I am a Bostonian. How do you have a tainted accent? I have a tainted accent because I married a man from south of us, like New Jersey. Oh, no. I know, I know. It's Jersey. It's okay.

He's been here a long time. It's most of the Jersey's out of him now. But some of it's in me and there's a little jersey in there. Where? I don't hear. He corrupted my perfect Boston accent. Why is it important to you that your aunt slash aunt say aunt instead of aunt? She would prefer to be called Aunt Suzanne. But everybody that is an aunt that lives in Massachusetts, we refer to each other as aunt. Yeah, but they're everybody else. But when she's here, I would appreciate if we were referred to as aunt, like we are. And I don't really care whether you call me aunt or aunt, okay? It doesn't

matter. I respect whatever you want to call me, you can call me. I mean, when I went to New York and people, you know, referred to me as Aunt Suzanne, I said, aunts? That's creepy. It took me a really long time to come around to my tainted accent. You know, I have an Aunt Linda here in Massachusetts, but in Philadelphia I have five aunts. And tomorrow at our show in Brooklyn, my Aunt Beth is going to be there.

And please never tell her that I am also creeped out by the word aunt. I like aunt better. That said, Elizabeth, I think your aunt slash aunt makes a good point. You shouldn't tell people how to pronounce their names or their titles. You wouldn't call her Aunt Suzanne, would you? No. It's Aunt Suzanne, now and forever. I'm sorry, Elizabeth, but that's the way it is. That's what makes her unique. Thank you, Elizabeth and Suzanne. Please welcome to the stage Sarah and David. Sarah and David. Sarah, it says here that you have been a litigant on the show before. Yes, indeed.

What was the nature of the case? I wanted my husband to stop wearing pants that look like an American flag. And it says here you're now divorced. Is that? No, he followed your verdict. He doesn't wear them anymore. It was great. It was the best thing for our family. Good, because it's taxed. Good. But that is not what brings you here today. That's right. You seek justice in this fake court. Yes. What is the nature of your complaint?

This is a dispute about where to go on a family vacation. I see. What are the options? This is your father? This is my father. All right. He's representing basically everyone else in the family. The whole family. Got it. David, what are the options? Well, we have several branches of the family. Some are in Washington, some here in Boston, some in Denver, each with various numbers of children and all that. So we've tried.

Basically, the answer to your question is New Jersey. Whoa. And let me just say this year was particularly, you know, reconciling all of these contrary and difficult wishes has always been difficult. My son and daughter in law who live in Washington had their first child this year. first child this year. Very nice. Congratulations. Thank you. And they, we more or less gave them a veto on location. Sarah

wanted to go to the Cape. Which one? Cape Cod. The Cape of Cod. Canaveral. Yeah, Canaveral. And they, for reasons I think are not terribly reasonable, they don't want to fly with the baby, the one-year-old.

That's the only way they could do it. They can't drive, but they didn't want to fly. And we figured, well, they get their way this year because they're the new parents in the family. And you say, Sarah, no. I would like to go to Cape Cod. How do you propose this happen without abandoning these what's the relation i think they should just fly with the baby it's not a big deal

by the way for the record this is my younger brother i have two children i have taken them on a plane for family vacations multiple times it's not that big a deal have you ever been to cape cod of course not in your life but on this family vacation we always come up with these compromises and where the other jersey where are with these compromises in New York and Jersey. Where are the other compromises? Rhode Island. Judging from the tenor of your voice, I take it that's a mistake you'll never make again? None of these places is good.

We should obviously go to the Cape. It's a much nicer place to go on vacation. Any other places besides Rhode Island? Multiple different places in Rhode Island. Whoa, okay. And we have been to New Jersey. And New Jersey. I didn't even know there were multiple places in Rhode Island. Whoa, okay. And we have been to New Jersey. And New Jersey. I didn't even know there were multiple places in Rhode Island. There are. There are. I think it's

worth mentioning that my wife, who is really the most important figure in making this decision, for many reasons, is from New Jersey. And to her, it's very, to her. She doesn't believe in Cape Cod. The summer, the summer is the Jersey Shore is what the shore is supposed to look like. And all these other places, they can be very nice. But so she's. There is, not the record show, there's a smattering of applause for your side. It was just a smattering.

They're just, you know, the kind of applause like, I hope no one can see who's applauding. Where the Jersey Shore do you want to go? Well, again, we've settled on this. David, I'm asking David. We're going to a... We're going? The decision has been made, sir.

Where are you proposing to me that you go in New Jersey? I'm asking you for permission to go to Avon-by-the-Sea. Avon-by-the-Sea. Yes, it's a lovely, it's a very nice. It's very nice, nice beach. Marsha Bemko, what are we going to do with these people? Well, like I said before, my husband's from down there, Jersey.

Cape Cod, my friend. It is the most beautiful beaches in the world. Thank you. Yeah, the most beautiful beaches in the world are here in Massachusetts. That's where you go. We were talking to Marsha before the show, like running through what was going to happen, and she just goes, I have opinions, is that

okay? I'm on the Cape Cod side, okay. I see that. Yeah, I'm going to say Cape Cod. Thank you, Sarah and David. And Marsha Bemko, thank you so much for joining us here. Marcia Benko.

Thank you. Antiques Roadshow can be found on your local PBS station and online at pbs.org. The next season begins in January with Anchorage, Alaska. Anchorage, Alaska. Alaska. Huge thanks to the wonderful crew at the Wilbur Theater and to everybody at WGBH in Boston. GBH was so helpful, and the whole crew at the Roadshow was so helpful at making this tour special. We had a number of Roadshow experts along the way.

And to have Marsha, the boss of the entire program for literal decades was a joy, not least because she herself is a joy. And if you'd like to see another Roadshow appraiser, perhaps the dandiest of them all, make sure to go to vanfreaksroadshow.com and join us for the live stream from the Opera House in Williamsburg, Brooklyn for that and so many other surprises, including me and Jesse Thorne

with you in the chat throughout the stream this Saturday night. Go to vanfreaksroadshow.com. Now, Jesse, hit me with the credits. Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. Marie Bardi Salinas runs our social media.

This week's episode, recorded by Stephen Colon and edited by A.J. McKeon. Our producers on this episode are Laura Volk and Jennifer Marmer. We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. Follow us there for evidence and other photos from the show. And check out the Maximum Fun subreddit. That's at MaximumFun.reddit.com to discuss this week's episode.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.