Judge John Hodgman - Probable Cos-Play

Episode Date: August 15, 2012

Donald, Jessie and their son are planning a trip to a Star Wars convention for their family vacation. Donald thinks Jessie should him and their son Josh in costume; Jessie thinks she's doing enough simply by attending. Who is right? This week: guest bailiffed by Monte Belmonte!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm guest bailiff Monty Bailiff Belmonte, morning host at 93.9 The River WRSI in Northampton, Massachusetts, in for Jesse Thorne. This week, a case of probable cause play. Donald, his wife Jesse, and their son plan to attend a Star Wars fan convention that will also serve as their family vacation this year. Donald and their son have been planning and executing costumes to wear for the convention, and Donald thinks Jessie should join them. Jessie says she shouldn't have to wear a costume since she's not a big fan herself,

and she agreed to let the trip double as their family vacation in the first place. Will Jessie have more fun in costume, or should she be allowed to opt out? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Me a stook buck walk to go. Me a pa brook via do do.

Bailiff Monty, swear them in. Donald and Jesse, please rise and raise your right hands. Now, you must unlearn what you have learned. Do you swear to tell the truth? Do you acknowledge that fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, and so swear that your ally is the force and a powerful ally it is? I do. I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling? I do. I do. Do or do not. There is no try. May the force be with you. Judge John Hodgman, proceed. You may.

Thank you, Bailiff Monty. Nice to have you here. Jesse is in London, swelling it up with the gadflies across the pond. So we have Monty Belmonte, who for the purposes of this podcast shall be known as Monty Bailiff Monty. Hello, Monty. Hello. Now, Donald and Jesse, for an immediate summary judgment, can either of you identify the specific moment in popular culture that I referenced as I virtually entered the virtual courtroom? Actually sounds familiar, but I can't place the specific scene. It actually sounds familiar. Yes, it does.

Does it actually sound familiar to you? It does. Then you should know it. Then you should know it. Then you should know it. I know. I mean, it's from, my understanding is it's from one of the Star Wars movies, but I can't place it. How do you know for sure? Just through context?

You don't know. Well, somewhat. I could be quoting, I could be quoting a documentary about the Kalahari Bush people. Well, that could be. Jesse, all right, be quiet now. Okay. Jesse? It sounds like the little bug person

that enslaved Anakin in, I think, episode two. You're speaking of Watto? Yeah. No, it is not Watto. And Donald, you call yourself a Star Wars expert? That was, of course... May I guess before you do it? Of course, monty bailiff

monty what is what was your guess is it jar jar binks's people's language no it is not because they speak in it they speak in a uh an offensive patois of jamaican english and uh and um uh brian uh blessed but not their fat governor he speaks speaks some weird language, I think. That's Brian Blessed doing his own riff on an offensive patois of Jamaican English and space language. That's all Brian Blessed. Donald, who else has Brian Blessed played in the annals of film history?

That'd be Hawkman from Flash Gordon. That's right. Gordon's alive! Who else did he play in the annals of important public television history? Oh, you know, you got me on that one. Emperor Augustus

in I, Claudius, required viewing for all listeners of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. No, the character that I was quoting of course was Poggle the Lesser, the Archduke of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. No, the character that I was quoting, of course, was Poggle the Lesser, the Archduke of the Genosians, as he sentenced Padme Amidala and what's his name, Anakin Skywalker, to death in their trial after they were caught on Genosis spying in the deleted scene from attack of the clones star wars episode two all right experts now you're in my house you're on my sail barge now let's move on donald yes hello

uh who brings the case donald you or or your or your poor wife well uh i bring the case, Donald? You or your poor wife? Well, I bring the case that... Would you like me to explain? Sure. You are bringing the case, right? I am bringing the case. You are the complainant. Yes. Your wife won't cosplay with you. Correct. Now, fill out the details, sir.

We are going to the Star Wars convention in a couple of weeks in Florida. Which one is that? Which Star Wars convention? What's that? Which Star Wars convention? It's called Star Wars Celebration 6. That's the big one. And so I am able to go and with my wife and my son,

I'm actually in the process of updating my Jedi costume uh, I'm actually in the process of, uh, updating my Jedi costume so that I am, uh, even more Jedi like, and then, um, we're also creating, um, a Luke Skywalker from return of the Jedi, a costume for my son who's four years old. And, uh, I believe that my wife, who loves to play with virtual costumes on online games or any other game that she plays, I believe that she would have a lot more fun if she were at the convention also in costume, even though she may not herself be as big of a Star Wars fan as myself or my son. Okay. And Jessie? Yes, sir. Do you disagree with the statement's effect?

Do you not know how to have fun yourself? No, I know how to have fun. I just, we've already got to make two costumes for Josh and Donald. Right. And I'm going not under duress, but it's not the most fun thing in the world to me. So I'd rather go and be comfortable and wear shorts and flip flops and t-shirts rather than worrying about getting Josh dressed and making sure Donald has his 15 pieces and worry about myself. Really?

You don't want to go to Florida and wear a whole bunch of robes and karate outfits. You'd rather wear comfortable t-shirts and shorts and flip flops. Yes. Correct. Correct. Donald, you sent in a,

some evidence, which includes a photo of yourself in what I presume is your, your Jedi costume. Yes. Version one. Yes. This is version one, because what this looks like to me is? Yes, version one, yes. This is version one, because what this looks like to me is you're standing here, very happy, next to R2-D2, and basically you're wearing a karate gi

with a Banana Republic belt and some Tevas. What Jedi are you, sir? Well, I'm a department store, bargain store Jedi, apparently. That's fine. And how big a role does cosplaying play in your life? Well, I would like for it to be increasingly more of a role. I am developing this costume to be approved by the Rebel Legion, which is a costuming fan organization, which organizes costuming events for charity. And are they very strict in their assessment? For initial membership, for formal

approval? Yes. And then once you're a member, my understanding is you can have some less strict costumes, which are a little more loose in their requirements. Do they make you stand up in an auditorium and stand very still like a show dog as they observe the cut of your Jedi robes and the appropriate length of your Jedi sleeves or whatever? Yes, and they raise your tail and they feel around underneath. And now I'm entering the realm of pure curiosity. The Rebel Legion, what are they looking for? What do you need in order to gain acceptance? For a Jedi costume, you have to have an inner tunic, an outer tunic, the tabards, which are the sort of vertical strips going up over the shoulders. There is an obi or sash, which is a piece of fabric that comes around underneath a leather belt with the two piece leather construction, um, uh, and then pouches or, um,

different, um, accoutrements on the actual belt itself specific to, um, you've got a food pellets or a Jedi communicator or a droid collar, uh, obviously a lightsaber. Let's go back to food pellets. What are the food pellets that the jedi eat because this is getting into really obscure corners of fandom that i have no idea about are they that's are they munching on silent green or what you know that's a good question uh the um uh you know there is that bit of food that luke skywalker uh fights uh yoda for kind of argues with yoda for i always thought that was a slim jim it looked like a a pre-cooked uh little breakfast sausage to me yeah that's exactly what it looked like a jones pre-cooked breakfast sausage i always remember watching that that scene in empire strikes back

for those of you who are not horrible nerds like us this is a scene where uh uh luke skywalker lands on the swamp planet dagobah to seek out uh yoda for his uh jedi training uh this is sort of his swampy hogwarts and uh and and yoda's there but he doesn't reveal that he's yoda and he's and he fights with luke over this pre-cooked breakfast sausage which i always remember thinking that's got to be the most delicious thing in the world but that could be but that could be rebel military rations that's not necessarily Jedi that's true so Old Republic food pellets are actually little

capsules that clip onto your utility belt so what is inside is actually a mystery of the force I believe good old fashioned Old Republic food pellets tell me have you tried an Old Republic food pellet it's like a Werther's original.

Yeah, it's like a Werther's. It's like a butterscotch. If you haven't tried them, your family sure will love them. Old Republic food pellets and Guy Noir. All right. Does Rebel Legion, again, in the realm of pure curiosity, or I'm sorry, Jesse, unfortunately, I'm afraid both for myself and for you that I am really interested in this. I knew it was going to be an uphill battle from the minute

I talked to him about coming on the podcast, so it's all right. I'm a tough cookie. I think you're ready to face the trials. Does the Rebel Legion regulate, I should say, Jedi garb? Do they also have best-in-breed criteria for, like, a Bosk outfit? Bosk? Bounty Hunters and the bad guys

would be regulated by the 501st Legion, Vader's Fist, which was they handled the Stormtroopers and the Sith Lords and so forth. And what about sort of neutrals like uh like malachili the rancor keeper uh well um that would be sort of a neutral um type person that that could fall under either category i believe um someone like uh han solo or even actually someone as as um generic as a um a jawa would

would probably be able to fall under either either uh either organization have you ever seen someone cosplay as the um the burned skeletons of owen and beru no but maybe we could make Jesse cosplay as that. Well, if you were to compel your wife under the strictures of Jedi marriage to wear a dumb costume at your Star Wars convention, what costume

would you compel her to wear? You know it cannot be Leia's slave outfit, right? You know that, right? Do I have to say anything about that or no? No, you don't. That would be something just for our own... No, no, no, no, no, no. Children listen to this, sir.

And I don't... I'm sorry. And that's all gross. Anyway, what outfit would you have her wear? Or would you suggest? My recommendation would be something simple, something like one of Princess Leia's white gowns, which would be fairly simple to make,

especially since we're perpetuating this argument up to close to the convention. First of all, you understand that my objection to talking about the Leia slave outfit is not because it is in any way suggestive, but because it is a horrible, horrible cliche at this point. No one should ever dress as Leia slave outfit ever again. That joke was done in the mid-90s.

But if you put her in the white Leia outfit, you would have to go sans brassiere, just saying. What? Monty, bailiff Monty, I think you may have children in the room with you. Luckily they've left, but they were naked when they left. What? This is getting creepier all the time.

And it started out creepy because we're talking about cosplay. So Jesse, your husband would like you to dress chastely as Princess Leia of Alderaanan that's a light flowing robe uh it's white it reflects the heat of the oppressive florida sun uh what do you feel about that i mean that'd be all right but i think i think again i'm spending i'm gonna spend a lot of time making sure josh is okay and wrangling him and I'd rather just not dress up at all. And you are, do you, do you want to go to this convention? Oh, well, um, originally it was just going to be Donald and Josh that went and I was going to stay

home, but then really feasibly we couldn't afford a separate vacation for all three of us. So then I agreed to go under the condition that we would get a hotel with a nice pool so I could hang out at the pool. Right. And avoid the convention at least one day. Oh, hang on. Josh needs to show you something. Have you heard that? Oh, my goodness.

All right. Sorry. What does he need to show? Don you heard that oh my goodness alright sorry what does he need to show I understand what are you showing me honey okay can you go to your room there's a Jedi Knight Anakin you want to show me

oh okay alright okay go watch your movie this is this poor woman's whole life I know you really. Yes. I'm sorry. I just, yeah,

sorry. I'm so proud. You've been, you're compelled to go to this thing. Also, your husband submitted some evidence, which is that you have a tattoo. Is that not correct?

Yes, that is correct. And could you describe the tattoo to me? Yeah, sorry. Just a minute. That's okay. You know what?

We're talking about kids stuff here. We are, this is, this is children's entertainment that we're talking about. I have no problem with children being a party to this in this courtroom. Would you, would you ask your son to describe your, uh, your tattoo for me, please? Yes. Hey, Josh, come here. Will you come talk to the judge? Will you talk to him? Will you tell him what my tattoo looks like? What's my tattoo look like? No, you talk. You don't listen. It's a lightsaber tattoo.

Is it one lightsaber or two lightsabers? Is it one lightsaber or two? Two. You're talking to him? Yeah, the guy with the mustache. I want to talk. You want to talk you want to talk okay you talk hello padawan my name is judge john hodgman can you hear me what is your name josh i'm josh berry my dad calls me tim we'll explore that let's put a pin in that for the moment, Josh. Josh, are you excited about going to the Star Wars convention?

Yeah, with Uncle Drew and Donald and Jackson. And you like Star Wars very much? Went to the Comic-Con in Orlando. Oh, really? Yes, we went to the Comic-Con in Kansas City, and Billy Dee Williams was there, so we saw him. So that was at the beginning of the film. Is that almost two?

No, Judge Hodgman's at his house. He's calling Daddy. We're all talking on the phone. Josh, who's your favorite character? Lando Calrissian? No, Luke. Luke is your favorite character? Good choice. Which is your favorite character? Good choice.

Which is your favorite Star Wars movie? Someone with the green lightsaber. Okay, good. And who shot first, Han Solo or Greedo? Han Solo. Yeah. Josh, you are ready to become a Padawan.

I hope you enjoy the Star Wars convention very much. Should your mom dress up for the Star Wars convention, Josh? I'm going to be Luke. You're going to be Luke, but what should your mom dress up as? She's going to be a superhero. Yeah, I like it. I think she is a superhero. Yes, she is.

All right, Josh, will you do me a favor and let me talk to your mom for a little bit more? Yeah. All right. Nice talking to you. May the force be with you, Josh. Bye. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh, boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right?

Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're Made In, Made In. The Rohan duck, made in, made in. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Chop? You got it. Made in, made in. Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the

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The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound.

Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world, and you get to hear the sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound.

Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. So which superhero are you going to be? I'm going to be Supermom, I guess, or Wonder wonder woman but with a more modest outfit maybe it would it would totally delight me if you just walked into that star wars convention dressed as like

wonder woman or star sapphire or something just like i do not get it that would make me really happy too. I think that'd be hilarious. So you have a tattoo of two lightsabers. Is that correct? Yes, that is correct, Judge. And what else? How else can you describe this tattoo to the listening audience? Well, it's two lightsabers that cross and there's a bigger lightsaber and a smaller lightsaber and they're both blue and one says donald kind of written above it and the other one says josh written above it and it was a surprise for father's day you mean that your husband forcibly tattooed you as a surprise for father's day or that no i willingly got the tattoo as a surprise and he about passed out when he saw it

like he had to be sitting down. Donald, Donald, will you, will you just step out of the room for a moment, please? Sure. We'll do. Thank you. Jesse, is everything okay in your house? Yes. Everything's fine. I'm okay. Would you like to talk to me privately?

Is there anything, is there anything we can, we need to do here? Do we need to call anybody on your behalf? No, I'm, I'm fine fine i knew when i entered into the marriage it was going to be a lot of nerdiness like a whole lot of nerdiness and i've become more of a nerd do you like star wars gone on oh honestly i think donald's out of the room i really no i don't really like it i i enjoy how much my husband and son like it and their best friend Scott loves it and how they all talk about it and how all the kids love it. I love how much they enjoy it.

I don't particularly think the movies are all that fabulous, but I get a kick out of how much they get a kick out of it. So I enjoy it through them. how much they get a kick out of it. So I enjoy it through them. I prefer My Little Ponies and The Last Unicorn and other nerdy stuff in a different genre. I gotcha. Yeah.

So animation. Yeah. And I do play video games. I play Oblivion. I love that whole series and Fable. So I am kind of a nerd, but I'm just in a different place. Your husband accused you of doing a cosplay in a virtual space.

Yeah, I like playing with costumes on Oblivion. I'm always getting new armor, slaying dragons, but just in real life, I'd rather just be comfortable. Donald, come back into the room. Send Josh to tell Donald to come back into the room. Okay. Josh, tell Daddy to go back into the room if you can send Josh to tell Donald to come back into the room.

OK, Josh, tell Daddy to go back in the room, OK? Daddy, go to the to the courtroom. OK, here I am. Donald, what does Star Wars mean to you? Star Wars has been with me my entire life. Practically, I was born just before the first movie came out. I saw one of the original. Well, not the not when it was first in the theater, but it had been re-released maybe a year after I was younger than my son is now when I've got more of the toys that came out in the 90s. I've stopped acquiring toys, although now I'm acquiring them vicariously through my son in some respects,

but only at his pace of acquisition. Yeah, I get it. We all of us grew up with Star Wars. We all like it. But not everybody wants to compel their family members to dress up as Princess Leia or continues to dress up and go to these conventions.

So dig a little deeper for me here, Donald. What does it mean to you to go to a Star Wars convention with your family? And why does it mean to you to go to a Star Wars convention with your family? And why is it important to you that you would sacrifice a regular family vacation or a non-Star Wars family vacation, I'll say? It is, for the purposes of bringing my family to it, it gives us something to do while we're on vacation. So we're not just sitting at a beach.

Um, but as far as I like that too, but, um, resting quietly. Oh my goodness. Um, you talk about resting quietly without a Jedi robe on.

No, thank you. Right. You know, and peaceful meditation with the Jedi robe and everything would be best. This is your chance to make a final argument to me and to the world and to your family as to what this convention means to you and what Star Wars means to you and what it would mean to you for your wife to join in on the cosplay. So no pressure. Well. Well. Well,

well, uh, look, you know what? No one said going into that, uh, hollowed out tree was going to be easy. That's true.

You will be afraid. Go on. What it would mean for me, for my wife to show her solidarity and, and, uh, dress up with us is that we would, we would be identified together as a

family. Uh, you know, I wouldn't be out on, uh, on my own or my son specifically on, on his own. It would be more of, um, us all together. I feel that she would be, she would feel left out once we get there. And she realizes that, um, all of this attention is um all this you know nerd-based attention is based is uh is um brought towards my costume and josh's costume and perhaps it should rightfully be towards josh since he's the cute little guy um dressed up but i think that she would probably feel out of place not being part of the entire experience. And once you're at the convention, you experience Star Wars fandom in a very special way that is not particularly evident just from watching the movies. And one final question for you, sir.

Who is Will Rowe hood? I think I know everything I need to make my final decision. I'm going to go into my, uh, empire strikes back. You're a meditation chamber. Take off my helmet, expose my horribly burned head,

uh, to the camera. And I will be back in a few moments with my decision. Please rise. As judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Now, Donald. Yes. Do you feel that you've asked enough from Jesse just to come on this vacation with you? Isn't that enough? I think that it would be sufficient, but I think for her own enjoyment of the of the time, I think that once she is actually there and is not in a costume, I think that she will

wish that she were in one. And Jesse, if this were a sporting team of some sort and Donald was the coach and they were all wearing the jerseys, wouldn't you put the jersey on? And don't you think that your lightsaber tattoos are a little bit damning? Well, that's been my argument that I could just wear a tank top flip flops and shorts and i've got my costume on my arm and i don't have to wear a big judo outfit or whatever with food pellets and a certified lightsaber from 1979 i mean i'm cool enough as i am i don't need to go dressed up all right well we'll see what judge Judge John Hodgman has to say. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom. First of all, Will Row Hood is also known as a fleeing

ice cream maker man. Oh, ice cream maker man. Yes. Now do you know who I'm talking about? Yes, I do. Why don't you explain for the audience? On Cloud City, as the Empire is invading and everyone is escaping to save Han Solo from Boba Fett, there's a technician or somebody, one of the denizens of Cloud City who's fleeing and he has some sort of equipment under his arm, and it happens to actually be a circa 1980 ice cream maker.

And courtesy the fantastic website Topless Robot, I have learned that in the expanded, triple expanded fan and universe of Star Wars nerddom. This character has been given a name, Willow Hood. I presume he has been named Hood after the famous New England dairy company, Hood, right? Monty Belafonte? Yes.

With the fabulous little cups of ice cream called Hoodsies. Called Hoodsies. He's a fellow Massachusettsian like me. Massachusettsian, I prefer. I concede to your self-identification. And not only does he have a name, Will Rowe Hood, or Mr. Hoodsy, as I call him, but also this enormous long backstory

that has been contrived by internet nerds and Star Wars aficionados like yourself, Donald. And fandom is a wonderful thing. I mean, I really do acknowledge that to gain and foster community around a cultural product that has sparked so many people's imaginations is fun. And to play dress-up is fun for kids and even for grownups. That's why grownups go and get loaded at Halloween parties. They like to dress up too. And yet there are some weird, dark corridors, the dark side of fandom that you don't want to cross over into,

where it becomes your total life and you forget. As David Reese once sagely said to me, making a cultural reference is not the same thing as making culture. Referring to culture is not the same thing as being creative. When you go down that dark road, it's hard to turn back. And I have to say, sir, that I totally think your family is adorable. And I really enjoy the fact that you and your son are going to the Star Wars convention. And I really think that it's great that you guys get to dress up and play with toys together. And that's fun. But you are not a Jedi, sir. You cannot wave your hand and compel another person

in your life to like the exact same things you do in the exact same way you do. And I don't know that you're being sufficiently appreciative of the sacrifices that Jesse has already made in terms of giving up the sort of typical dull sitting on a beach family vacation that she kind of wants in order to be there with you and spend the family's treasure on going to something that is really in service of you and your son. Now, I appreciate that you would love it if your wife wanted to get into this thing in the same way that you're into it, but it's not her thing. She has her thing. My little pony, unicorns, fables, whatchamacallit, video games, and so on.

video games and so on. And she's absolutely right, I believe, that when she puts that lightsaber tattoo on her arm, that counts as cosplay forever as far as I'm concerned. That pays for all. So, I think you know where I'm going with this. I find in the favor of the defendant, your wife, Jessie, I might have compelled her to dress up as Princess Leia if she had not gotten a tattoo of a Star Wars lightsaber on her arm already.

But in fact, she has. And therefore, Donald, I would say you should go have a great time at the Star Wars convention with your son and your friend. And you should, I don't know why you call your son Tim, but I'm not even going to get into that whole area now. And you should have a wonderful time. And Jesse, you should have, you should do whatever you like on this vacation.

Even if it means staying in the room for a while, you should also go and see what a good time your husband and son are having. Just relax. It's your vacation too. Let him take over in the convention hall. Because at the end of the day, this is all just things that you're into, not lifestyle, not life.

And as retroactive damages, I'm going to award to Jesse this order, sir, that you have put on your body a tattoo of my little pony or a unicorn. I really actually have some nervousness about compelling you to get a tattoo, but I'm going to anyway. going to anyway. Some tattoo, a tasteful tattoo of My Little Pony or a unicorn, and it can be like a unicorn within some kind of Star Wars symbol if you wish. Please make it tasteful, okay? I don't want to see you on Effiat Tattoos Tumblr with a huge My Little Pony on your forehead, okay? I don't want to ruin any lives here. I just want the Force to be in balance. You know what I'm saying? All right.

Have a good time at the convention. May the Force be with you. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Donald, you could get a tattoo of a unicorn horn right on your forehead. That would be awesome if I could get a 3D tattoo.

I love The Last Unicorn, by the way, Jessie. Oh, you're my favorite. Soundtrack by America? Yes. Love it. Yes. Is there any secret hope, Jessie, that you, like with the tattoos,

may just surprise Donald and family and show up at this convention in full-on Leia in white robes sans brassiere garb. Yeah. I don't know if that's going to happen or not. I will probably follow the judge's ruling and wear something very vacationy. Hey, it's me, Judge John Hodgman. I came out of my courtroom for a second.

Donald. Yes. Will you leave the room again for a second? Sure. Jesse, are you there? it's me yeah i'm here it's me judge john hodgman yeah here's what you do okay now look i'm still ruling in your favor but this is too good an idea not to at least suggest to you what you want to do is you want to get a really good boosh costume do Do you know who Boosh is?

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Boosh is the bounty hunter who shows up in Jabba's palace in Return of the Jedi. But it's a full face mask, right? And then Boosh gets Han Solo out of the carbonite,

takes off the mask. It's Princess Leia. If you went into that thing, you said, I'm not going to dress in any costume, right? But then you did that, and then you just sort of walked up to your husband and started talking with him like,

me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, it would blow his mind, wouldn't it? Sometimes mind-blowing trumps justice. I'm not saying you have to do this. I'm just putting that out there. But then you have to publicly make out with him because that's what happens in a movie. Yeah, but it would be a total make-out scene. It's like everyone at the Star Wars convention would bow down in awe. See, now I've gone over to the dark side.

The thing about fandom is you never want to do anything just to impress people at the Star Wars convention that's a terrible motive but if it happens it happens sometimes you just gotta let it happen but it's like whenever you do something when I talk about the dark side of fandom it's when you are doing something in order to serve fandom

instead of yourself, your preferences or your own creative ideas. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. This is a compelling idea in the service of fandom alone, and it might be a hilarious trick to play on your husband who frankly deserves it. You do whatever you like. You have a great vacation.

Okay. With your adorable son and your troubled husband who doesn't remember his son's name. Okay. Take care, guys. Good old him. Donald, Jesse, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Last unicorn. I love that.

Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney

is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try.

Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself.

A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. So, Judge John Hodgman, time to clear the docket. Oh, boy. How did you get in my meditation chamber? I used a lightsaber and I jammed it in through the metal and then I very slowly cut out a circle and then curled in. Your skills are advanced. I think I just left it open. We've actually had a lightsaber duel. Yes, you and I.

Apart from this case altogether. Yeah. I got some very realistic lightsabers for my son. Because they're children's toys. But I believe we played with them first. Yeah, well, we had to test them out. Right. And I think there's a video of it somewhere, right? Yeah, I do.

I think I sent it to you, but out of respect for you, did not upload that to YouTube. I think we better put it on it somewhere, right? Yeah, I do. I think I sent it to you, but out of respect for you, did not upload that to YouTube. I think we better put it on YouTube. That might be time. All right, so let's clear the docket. Lincoln writes, My close friend got angry at me when I used the phrase, How should I know?

I'm not a mind reader. They claim that since I do stage mentalism, theatrical mind reading, for a living, that means I am literally a mind reader. And therefore, I'm one of the few people that should not be allowed to use the phrase. I've gone on the record to say that a mentalist simulates mind reading, so I don't claim to read minds. I've gone on the record. Should I be allowed to use the phrase?

Yes, of course you can. A mentalist, you do not have magic powers, nor do you read minds. I just, it's just, it's just, this is the most specific problem that I've ever encountered. I think he should be able to say it, but then has to issue the caveat, but I pretend to be one. How should I know? I'm not a mind reader. Yeah. Although I do pretend to be one. Yeah, no, but I don't even know that a mentalist, well, I guess a mentalist is pretending.

But it's not like magicians have to go around and they can't use the common phrase, how do I know? I'm not going to produce a dove out of thin air. I know. It's almost unfair. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You know what? You can go ahead and use that term because you're not a mind reader. That doesn't actually happen. To say that would be to suggest that only people who practice the hypnotic techniques of Franz Mesmer will be allowed to say that they're mesmerizing.

Anyone can say it. Stop being dumb, everybody. But I love the fact that how many times has it been said? Problem is, I'm a mentalist. All right. What's the next one? OK, Kevin and Christina, right? We're watching and enjoying the TV series Game of Thrones.

Hey, nerdsville. Yes. Kevin read all of the books prior to watching. Christina has read none. Our friend Heather would enjoy the show as well, but refuses to watch it until she's read the books. We feel that Heather should view the show immediately for two main reasons. One, the show has many twists, turns, and surprises

that would be spoiled by reading the books first. Two, Heather has not yet begun to read the books, and it's uncertain when, if ever, she will. The longer that she waits, the more likely it is that she'll come across spoilers that will diminish her enjoyment of both the series and the books. Will you compel Heather

to begin watching the series immediately? Nerds, this is what I'm talking about. You can't compel people to like things. You are not considering the most obvious explanation for her behavior, which is that she is using the fact that she has not read the books to avoid watching the TV series because she would prefer to watch a sports game or something else that she likes. I'm also offended by the notion that reading the books would spoil the show.

That doesn't seem right to me. Let's just say for the moment that she actually does want to engage with this particular weird continent of high nerdery that is the world of Game of Thrones. I would say that she should read the books and see the show, but if she doesn't have time to read the books, what do you think, Monty? Well, as somebody who was compelled by one judge, John Hodgman, to read the books before the show even began. Yeah. Not, not, not overtly compelled, but implied that it would be something good. I have only read the books, audio versions of the books, by the way, that is the ultimate nerddom, and have not watched one episode of the show. So my suggestion, and in this modern era of consumption of media, read all the books.

If you think you are going to read the books, read all the books first, and then I'm going to wait until all of the series are complete. And then in like seven years, just careen through the entire television series. No, no, just do what you want everybody yeah well that's just a suggestion it's one way to do it i wouldn't i mean i would say i would say that uh i would have definitely recommended if someone were interested in in the works of george railroad martin uh before the tv show started i would have said yeah you should read the book first you'll enjoy it right but uh you can't unhatch a dragon egg. It's out of the, it's out of the egg now.

I think people should, it would probably be a lot easier for this poor woman to just watch the TV show and get into it that way. You can always revisit the books and there's so much more in the books. So I would say this, now that the TV show has started, if this person wants to know what her friends are talking about and enjoy what I think is a pretty good TV show, go ahead and watch that TV show. You'll get around to the books. Nothing's going to be ruined. That is all. I've been your guest, Bailiff Monty Belmonte, morning host at 93.9 The River, WRSI in Northampton, Massachusetts. You can find my podcast at wrsi.com. Thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

The Judge John Hodgman Podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online at AreasOfMyExpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to MaximumFund.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at forum.maximumfund.org and our Facebook group at facebook.com slash Judge John Hodgman. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.