Judge John Hodgman - The Carry On Carryings On

Episode Date: January 4, 2012

Blair and her sister Lisa are frequent flyers.  Blair never checks her bags due to the inconvenience of it, opting instead to carry them on.  Since she’s only 5’1”, she often relies on the generosity of fellow passengers to help maneuver her bags into the overhead compartment.  Her sister Lisa feels that Blair and people like her abuse the convenience of a carry-on -- in short, if you’re unable to completely manage your belongings on the plane, you should have to check them.  Who is right?

This week on the Judge John Hodgman podcast, the carry-on carryings on. Lisa brings the case against her sister Blair. She says that Blair, being five foot one inches tall and unable to hoist a carry-on bag into the overhead compartment on an airplane, should instead always check her luggage. Blair says this is ridiculous. always check her luggage. Blair says this is ridiculous. A helpful passenger or flight attendant is almost always more than happy to lend a hand.

If you can't stow it, should you check it? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman enters the courtroom. Mmm, mmm, oh, delicious. Satsumas are in season, Jesse. Oh, yeah, of course it's Satsuma season. And guess what? It's also justice season. Oh!

The justice, like the Satsumas, will be sweet, but tart. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that he travels everywhere in a luxurious dirigible? I do. And I do.

Very well, Judge Hodgman. Oh, guys, I'm going to be eating satsumas throughout this entire case. I'm going to get so many emails. Jesse, do you know how much I like satsumas? Satsumas are so good. It's kind of my thing. Wait a minute.

Yeah. Wait a minute. I was just talking on the podcast how much I like them. Wait, Judge Hodgman. I kind of discovered them. No. Judge. Oh.

Anyway, I'm eating at Satsuma because I'm here in California with Jesse Thorne. That's true. We're in person this week. And despite what he said, guess how I got here, Lisa and Blair? I bet you flew with carry-on luggage. On an airplane. Oh, did I? Maybe I'll reveal that at the end of the case.

For now, I would like the plaintiff to step forward and state what the problem is. Is it Lisa? Are you bringing the complaint? I am. I fly at least two trips a month. And on most of these flights, there's some petite woman who's blocking the aisle when the rest of us are trying to get to our seats

because she cannot lift her carry-on into the overhead bin. So she'll stand there with one hand on her hip and say, will someone help me? And who is this petite woman? I picture my sister doing it on all of her trips because they're usually about her size. In truth, though, it's usually Mary Lou Henner. But she could just jump up and throw it in.

Oh, that's Mary Lou Retton. Is this case a case that you are bringing against your sister, Blair, or all women of her size? All women who cannot lift their carry-on bags over their heads, but bring them on the plane anyway. Okay. I don't know if I can dispense justice to all women who are, how tall are you, Blair? 5'1 and a half. 5'1 and... We'll just say 5'1 if you don't mind. Well, I'm getting closer to that anyway.

Yeah, I mean, you know, we're not 10 years old. We don't brag about our half inches anymore. Blair, I'm going to say almost 5'2. Almost 5'2. I'm between 5'1 and 5'2. Okay. Okay. Lisa, you're angry at all petite women in the world?

Only those who can't lift their luggage over their head, but bring it on the plane. And this happens every time you take a flight? I would say three quarters of the time. 75% of the time. Is it ever the same woman? I can't say I recognize the women each time. Is it ever the same woman? I can't say I recognize the women each time. Have you considered the possibility that your sister has marshaled a secret army of five foot one women just to annoy you in a fit of sisterly annoyance? Well, now that you mention it, it had not crossed my mind, but she always knows where I'm going. How tall are you, Lisa? Well, I'm five three and a half", so I'm a full two inches taller. Yeah, that's about average for a height racist, actually.

Blair, how do you respond to this accusation? Well, first of all, I don't stand in the middle of the aisle with my hand on my hip waiting for people to help me. So I travel a lot also, and most of my trips are about two and a half days or two nights. And I can fit all my stuff into one of the carry-ons without any problem. And why are you both traveling so much? For work.

Okay. They're carnies. Are you door-to-door carry-on suitcase salespeople? I wish I were. Then I'd have a better one. But I travel anywhere from two-day trips to week-long trips. So sometimes carry-on and sometimes like the trip I just came back from, full suitcase, no question, I'm checking it. Lisa, hang on.

This is Lisa speaking, correct? Yes. Are you the older sister? No, I'm not. I see. She just acts that way. Well, I'm catching an older sister vibe because as soon as you say, as soon as Blair said, my trips are usually two or three days. Lisa goes, well, my trips are usually two days to a week.

And I'm two inches taller. And she's wrong. And my sister is wrong. And everyone like her is wrong. That's because mom liked me better. Well, now that you came to the verdict already, I guess we're done. You know what? My sister is wrong, and everyone like her is wrong. That's because Mom liked me better, so. Okay. Well, now that you came to the verdict already, I guess we're done.

You know what? Lisa, you may be able to push your sister around, but you can't push me around. I find you out of order. I have not prejudged this in the least. So if you'll just be calm and answer my questions, I will dispense some justice, okay? I'm ready. What is your line of work, Lisa, if you are allowed to say so? I work in marketing for a medical device company. Prosthetics? Not prosthetics, mainly baby stuff, things in a nursery in a hospital. Okay. May I say that you are a

traveling eye patch salesperson? You could say it. Well, in many ways, I just did. person? You could say it. Well, in many ways, I just did. Blair, you also have to travel a lot in your work? Presumably selling hookhands? Yeah, that's exactly what I do. Yeah, I go to a lot of conferences and conventions. And about twice a month, I travel to different conferences and things like that. And do you ever travel together? Not really. We ran into each other at the airport once and we've gone to funerals together, unfortunately, but that's about it. So really this is not an issue that has cropped up between you per se.

Lisa, you have essentially a class action lawsuit against all small women with carry-on bags in the world and your sister is nearest at hand. Well, I once after a trip said it was annoying when a woman came on the flight and blocked the aisle. And my sister took her side and said she was perfectly in the right to ask someone for help when she got on the plane. So that is what started this debate. Just an anecdotal discussion. Gotcha. Okay. Blair, tell me about your bag. Well, my bag is a reasonable carry-on size. It's about 21 inches tall, 14 inches wide, 8 inches deep. So it's within the FAA regulations. Okay. And it

fits in perfectly fine. It's not, you know, bulky. You know, I try not to overstuff it too much. It's a reasonable carry-on size, and it fits in the overhead bin just fine. And you have sent in some evidence here. You have a photo of you standing next to the bag, and I can see by doing some simple math that it is about 21 inches high based on your height of 5'1 1⁄2".

And then there's a lovely photo of you demonstrating how you can lift the bag over your shoulders. Yep. I have to say, I love this photo a lot. And it might become my new desktop image. Oh, dear. Because you are so perfectly dispassionate in both photos that it reminds me of a flight attendant giving a safety demonstration or instructions or or the the really creepy cartoons on the airplane safety card of of people without emotions fleeing a plane that is going down in flames you display none

of the passion that's typical of someone stowing their luggage. Talk to me about your airplane mode, because I'm going to be perfectly honest with you. I think people who refuse to check luggage are monsters. So because of certain behaviors that I've observed. And so I would like to hear from you how it goes when you get on the plane. What class of, are you flying economy? Are you flying business class? Are you flying first class? Are you flying JetBlue?

What do you fly typically? I typically fly economy, but depending on the airline, I have status on one airline, so I do get to board early. But that's just for one airline. Let me ask you a series of simple questions. Okay. Where do you usually sit in the airplane? Not first class, not business class, just regular economy.

Right. But do you have a preference as to whether you sit in the middle or the back or as close to the front as possible? I like to sit as close to the front as possible and in the aisle seat. Okay. in the aisle seat. Okay. And when you get on the airplane, do you put your bag above your seat or do you just put it in the first empty spot that you see? Oh God, no, that's rude. I put it up. Well, I put it as close to my seat as I can. I see. And what do you do if there is no room for your bag at your seat? Then I'll go further back until I can find an opening in the opening bin. Oh, then what is that person supposed to do? Go further back. Oh, and then what is that person

supposed to do? Complain to the flight attendant. How long have you stood in the aisle waiting for help? I usually don't stand in the aisle waiting for help. Usually what I'll do is I'll stand on the seat and try to lift my luggage that way when I'm standing in the seat. And sometimes I even have to use my head to headbutt my luggage into the overhead bin if I can't. Well, why didn't you send me a picture of that? Or better yet, a video. That would be great. Next time.

But you can raise it over your shoulders. That's not the issue. It's not that you lack strength. It's just that you lack height. Right. Okay. So you can raise it over your shoulders. That's not the issue. It's not that you lack strength. It's just that you lack height. Right. Okay. So I can lift it. I just can't get it all the way into the overhead bin.

So sometimes I'll have to stand up on the seat to actually get it in. I could maybe make a sort of analog version of that video by making a slideshow of the three photographs she sent in and then adding the Benny Hill music. So an animated gif with Yakety Sax? Exactly. Get on it. Where are you flying from and to most typically?

Usually from San Francisco to the East Coast. So long haul flights, or at least cross-continent flights, yeah? Usually. Okay. And those are direct flights? Oh, God, no. They don't have direct flights anymore. From San Francisco to the East Coast?

Where on the East Coast are you going? It depends on where the conference is. Boston, Orlando. It varies. There's mysterious conferences that you attend. Yeah, they're very mysterious. I understand. Why not check your bag?

Well, several reasons. One, the airlines are notorious for losing luggage, and I really don't want to show up at a conference wearing my jeans and sneakers. Depending on the airline, you have to pay a $25 fee per bag. That is an affront to humanity, by the way. It is. It should be the other way around. I absolutely think it should be. You should be charged, if you want to bring your bag as a carry-on, you should be charged $25 for that convenience. Yep, and that would make things move

a lot more smoothly. I agree. Yeah, I mean, I'm glad you at least acknowledge that you are part of the problem. Oh yeah, well, I'm not the part of the problem. It's the airlines and the way they set it up. No, no, no, you are. You're making a choice to check your bag. Oh, that's true. Along with everybody else individually making that choice to check their bag. And each little hang-up is people jockey for position for space because you appreciate that there is not enough room for all the bags of all the customers. The plane is simply not constructed that way. Absolutely. Not everyone can bring a carry-on.

plane is simply not constructed that way. Absolutely. Not everyone can bring a carry-on. There isn't enough room because the last two carry-on overhead compartments are full of dumb equipment and emergency stuff. Yep. Lights and flares and snacks for the flight attendants and so on. Another reason I like to bring on a carry-on is if you go standby, because if you missed a connection or you get there late or something, you can't go standby unless you have your luggage with you. So if you checked in your luggage, you can't go standby and go on another flight. And sometimes that can be a problem. And also, I don't want to have to wait around another 30 or 40 minutes when I land, especially coming back, because I live about an hour and a half away from the airport. And especially coming back, because I live about an hour and a half away from the airport.

So if I get back at 11 o'clock at night, and then if I'm coming from the East Coast, so it's really like 2 o'clock to my body, I really don't want to have to wait around another half hour or 40 minutes and then be even more sleepy and tired when I drive home. And then possibly get into a car accident because I checked in my bag. Whoa, are you threatening us? Oh, no, no, no, no. That if I rule against you and you're not able to check a bag, you're going to go out and murder someone with your car? No, I'm saying it's a safety issue.

So it's actually safer for me and for everyone around me if I don't check in a bag because that way I don't have to wait another half hour and be that much more tired. So you're a mercenary. You're on the go constantly. You got to have your stuff with you. Pretty much more tired. So you're a mercenary. You're on the go constantly. You've got to have your stuff with you.

Pretty much. Okay. If the world was run the way I wished it were, and you had to pay $25 to not check your bag, would you pay that fee? I would probably pay it to have my bag with me. I see. So it's not just the fee. It's the convenience of having things with me.

I don't want the airlines to lose my bag. I'm really afraid of them losing my bag. And then I'm going to be stuck. Has that ever happened to you before? Oh, yeah, absolutely. How many times? Oh, before I started carrying on my bag, it used to happen maybe a couple times a year. You're on that list.

You're on the secret we can lose her bag list. Did you know that? No, but now I do. Yeah, good. Lisa? Yes. You feel that your sister should not carry the bag because she cannot handle it? The only thing I am against is the sense of entitlement of assuming someone will help. I just want you, just for the record, that's bailiff Jesse. Oh, you're awesome, Lisa. There should not be an assumption that someone will help. Now, if someone offers to help, I can't say I say no if someone stands up and helps, but I never assume someone's going to help. but I never assume someone's going to help.

You are a rugged individualist and a libertarian, I take it. Carrying on bags is for the strong, not the weak. For the strong and unfortunately the pushy because there isn't enough space. But I do carry on bags occasionally. Yeah, because this is basically a complete evolutionary argument. It is utter competition for scarce resources. So who is stronger? Or I should say, bringing a carry-on bag is for the predatory. Would you agree?

Unfortunately, yes. It's for the person who, it's for the fastest, it's for the quickest, it's for the strongest, it's for the most shameless. That, unfortunately, is true. And how often do you do it? If I'm only going away for two or three days, I could usually pack small enough and light enough that I could carry on my bag. Oh, so you deserve to do it for a short trip just like your sister is taking because you are two inches taller and a little bit stronger and a little bit more bloodthirsty. Not more bloodthirsty, but I am taller. I don't know about stronger, but I always manage to get my bag in the overhead or

I'll pack in a computer-sized bag if there's any doubt and then put it under the seat in front. Should elderly people who can't lift their bags be allowed to carry on bags? Only if they fit in the seat in front. That's what our parents started doing. They used to take carry-on baggage, and when they couldn't reach the overhead bins, they started only bringing what could fit under the seat in front of them. You told them, look, mom and dad, this is over for you. Make way for the young.

You don't get that space up there anymore. Just put a toothbrush and some slippers in a plastic baggie and slip it in under the seat. That's what you get. They actually could have gotten away with it because flight attendants will help the elderly. Oh, I know. The flight attendants, that's like the government coddling the poor. Flight attendants help the elderly. Oh, I know the flight attendants. That's just like the

government coddling the poor. Flight attendants helping the elderly. Whereas they look at us and sneer when we can't get our bag to fit. They're breeding weakness. Look, I fly quite a bit and sometimes I carry on and sometimes I don't. Here's my rule of thumb. I will carry on the bag if I know it is going to fit and if I'm lucky enough to be flown either first or business by a corporation that has hired me, and or I have priority boarding due to miles or something, so that I get on that plane early enough that I can take the rightful space above my seat. And if there is no such space, then I will check it at the gate. space above my seat. And if there is no such space, then I will check it at the gate. I also will carry on if I am making a connecting flight, because that is a situation where you can routinely become disconnected from your bag if you are rushing to meet another flight or it can

get lost. But if it is a direct flight, such as the one I took from New York City to California, I will check my bag even if it will fit in there. Because I don't want the hassle and shame and horrible stares that I get when I put my bag up there. I can't live that way. Now, why can't you guys agree to do exactly what I do? Well, I think I do do what you do. Because when I'm flying United, and I have priority boarding, I'm more likely to do a carry-on bag than when I take an airline where I'll be last on the plane. So it's not that different. And I pretty much do that too, but I don't see the problem once in a while. If I bring a carry-on bag on and I can't necessarily

reach, what's wrong with asking a nice person behind me to say, can you help me? And usually I don't even have to ask to help. Usually they'll volunteer. People on the airline who fly, we know that we're in it together. We know we're going to be stuck in the sardine can for a few hours together. So we have to make the best of it. And I find that people are friendly and helpful, not the flight attendants necessarily, but fellow passengers. So usually there's someone there who'll say, gee, can I help you? And I take them up on it. There's only a very few times where I have to ask somebody.

And if I do have to ask somebody, they're never upset or angry about it. They understand and they're very helpful. So I think it's actually a community building type of thing when someone has to help me. Okay, got it, Barack Obama. You live in a liberal utopia. I have no problem with anyone helping me. It's the assumption before I even get on the plane that I could just stop and ask others to do it. But if someone offers, I let people help me all the time. But Blair is headbutting her bag into her

overhead. She's capable. She's taking matters into her own hand. She's not one of these Occupy Wall Street freeloaders. So would Blair get upset if she was delayed boarding a flight because someone else in front of her was just standing in the aisle waiting for someone to help? Oh, I see. You're not talking to your sister. I'll do it. Blair, Lisa wants me to ask you, would you be upset if someone was blocking the aisle in front of you? It depends. If they can't get the bag up because they're too short or not strong, then I would have some empathy for that person. short or not strong, then I would have some empathy for that person. If they're blacking the aisle because they overstuffed their bag and it doesn't fit in and they're trying to put something in that overhead bin that doesn't fit, no matter how much you squish it or how much you push it, then I'd be

upset. But if it's because they physically just can't reach it or they don't have the strength, then I would have some empathy. Do either of you ever fly while under the influence of a responsibly and medically prescribed sedative no no may i recommend it all right i think i have enough information to make my judgment i'm going to chambers you can talk this over with the bailiff. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Blair, has your sister always bullied you? No, she really didn't. It's only been since she's become an important marketing exec. How does it make you feel? Well, it's okay because she's taken on more responsibility with our parents and with other things. So if she wants to take on the role of being the older sibling, then it's fine. Oh, Blair's still the older sibling. She's as much of a bully. Lisa, do you think that just because you've been successful in the eyepatch industry

means that you can push your older sister around? Oh, no, there are a lot of other reasons for that. Lisa, what kind of chances do you think you've got in this case? Well, I know there's a lot on the line here, given that you now know Blair and I never traveled together. So I don't know. I get the feeling that the judge thinks people should check their bags if there's no room for them or if they won't fit. That was the feeling I was getting. Blair, how are you feeling right now? I'm not sure. I was very confident coming into the courtroom, but now I'm not so sure. Well, you got bullied. I did. I try to look on the bright side of things and I expect goodness from people. And I guess maybe I shouldn't.

Blair, I want you to know that no matter how this case comes down, bailiff Jesse Thorne stands up for the little guy. Well, thank you, Jesse. I'd help you put your bag up there. I know you would. I help people put dozens of bags up. Every time I fly on an airplane, I go up and down the aisle helping people put their bags away.

Help little old ladies get cereal boxes off the top shelves in the grocery store. I'm a good man. Don't you dare question it. I will pound you. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom. So what we have here is the conflict between two classic worldviews. One, the unforgiving, social Darwinist, law of the jungle, short people are worthless argument. And on the other side, the progressive, almost Oneida colony utopianism of everyone can help each other and should be nice to one another voluntarily.

I believe the best in people, and everyone should have sex with everyone else all the time. And I am torn between the two of them. I want to first clarify that I made a crack at the expense of Occupy Wall Street by calling them a bunch of freeloaders. I've made a joke like that in the Apocalypse Row podcast and got a lot of email from very angry people saying that I was being mean to Occupy Wall Street. And I just want to clarify here that I am making a joke off of the cliche, the conservative critique of Occupy Wall Street, that the cliche that they are all deadbeats and freeloaders who've got nothing better to do. So ease up on me, okay,

sanctimonious hippies? But here's the thing. Blair, you believe that society can function peacefully, that people can help one another, and everything can go smoothly, and that we live in a good and just society, correct? I wouldn't go that far. I mean, but you are, yeah, yeah. How can you believe what you believe what you believe when you have been on an airplane and jockeyed for overhead compartment space? Because that is when you see how close our civilization is to raw savagery. That's true, but sometimes the good in people also come out in those types of situations. People also come out in those types of situations.

Yes, but no, not ever. I mean, I will tell you this. When I carry my bag on, particularly when I am seated along with the 1% in first class or business class, then society works very well. When resources are abundant, everyone has what they need. They are going to get some whiskey and an actual glass in a moment. And there are acres and acres of overhead compartment space that none of you 99% scum are able to even look at, much less put your dumb L.L. Beanbag in. That is a place where society operates great, where everyone is extremely wealthy and self-important and a jerk. But in the rest of the plane, in the rest of the world, it is a savage fight for scarce resources. And frankly, I find it very, very disheartening to see that. And I

say this only to say, Blair, that I somewhat admire your almost Pollyanna-ish faith in humankind and your willingness to participate in a system that is undoubtedly broken. The overhead compartments have become so abused by people on airplanes that it is astonishing to me and depressing to me every time I see it. And yet, Lisa's argument is not that no one should ever use a carry-on bag and stow it in the overhead compartment. It is that short people, specifically you, should not do it unless you are able to handle it yourself. And that is an argument that I have a very difficult time aligning myself with. between being a libertarian and a social Darwinist and a competitor in the rough marketplace of overhead real estate. And then there is being a totalitarian and simply ordering short people

and elderly people and whole classes of people to not go about their own business and pack an overhead bag and take their chances just like the rest of us. So while I agree that the system is broken, Blair, you seem like a responsible person who is using the overhead compartment option in the best possible faith. You are not abusing the system. You are not throwing the bag up in the first possible space. You are not smashing other people's belongings as you try to put an over-large item into there that would never fit in the first place. You are not smashing other people's belongings as you try to put an over-large item into there that would never fit in the first place. You are not miserably shoving your child into a luggage cart like a monster. You are doing it as responsibly as can be. And so I'm prepared

to make my final verdict. I find in the favor of Blair, you may continue to put your bag wherever you see fit, but I am going to make a strong recommendation that you try checking it a little bit more often. I understand that you have a lot of phobia because you're on a weird list that causes the airlines to lose your bags all the time. But generally speaking on direct flights, loss of luggage is pretty unusual. At least it's never happened to me, and I've flown a lot for a number of years. I'm not going to forbid you from doing anything, but I think you both need to appreciate that there is in that airplane an incredibly tense society of angry individuals. recommend finding ways to endure that tension and let it pass over you and not allow it to eat at you. And Lisa, I'm speaking here to you. Whether you subscribe to Zen Buddhism or get a prescription

for a light sedative or maybe enjoy a glass of wine before the flight, or whatever, do some deep breathing exercises, you should go into that airplane with the understanding that you are going to see the worst of humanity. And then when someone, a nice tall man like Jesse Thorne, with his beautiful blazer on today, double-breasted blazer and his tie so nicely knotted, offers to lift something up for you. Then you can enjoy what your sister enjoys, the occasional welcome surprise that we are not all killing each other all the time. And Blair, I do recommend that you check your bag a little bit more often than you do, because one great way to enjoy a flight, I've discovered, is to take yourself out of that whole awful system. I've discovered is to take yourself out of that whole awful system. It's such a pleasure to just walk in, sit down, read your magazine, and watch the animals fight each other.

This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Lisa, you came in here with a lot of bluster. You are one of the boldest litigants we've had in quite some time. How are you feeling right now? I am feeling fine because I don't fly with Blair. I don't fly with Blair. And next time a woman stops in the middle of the aisle with a hand on her hip which Blair said she doesn't do looks around says could someone help I will order a glass of wine because the judge told me to I can handle that I am feeling fine serenity now Blair

this was a pretty significant victory for you and maybe for positive vibes, huh? I think so Lisa, I have one last question for you have you ever read Sigmund Freud's

book Civilization and its Discontents? I've read Sigmund Freud's book, Civilization and Its Discontents? I've read Sigmund Freud, but not that one. It introduces a concept you might or might not be familiar with called theited to relatively small differences between ourselves and others when we are in comfortable circumstances. And I guess I'm just saying that maybe you shouldn't pick on people who are 5'1 when you're 5'3. pick on people who are 5'1 when you're 5'3. I don't pick on people who are 5'1. Just the ones who block the

aisles. And then I just complain afterwards to my husband and sister. But my sister takes the other side. Lisa Blair, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. It was a pleasure. Thank you, Jesse. Bye-bye.

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Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-A.

Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Jesse Thorne, I will tell you this. I flew here to California.

It was very nice because I was flying myself. I flew JetBlue. I spent a little extra money for the extra legroom seat. And it was a delight. Once I had my glass of wine and whiskey and my Xanax, it was, as David Rakoff says, instant first class. We've got some cases here on the docket. Why don't I start with this one from Michael? He says, my girlfriend scolds me every time I lean on a table with my hands because I'm fairly double

jointed and it grosses her out to see my elbows bent into their natural and comfortable position, which is slightly past a straight line. This also shows itself at weddings and anywhere else one might be dancing to YMCA as my Y is not very legible with both elbows extended at the same time. My argument is that it's my body, and she should love it for all of its quote-unquote flaws and uniqueness. Can the good judge help us move past this? Yes, you absolutely are entitled to overextend your joints In whatever way you possibly can So long as it is done in the course of everyday activity And you are not specifically trying to gross your wife out

So therefore, you know, keep your dancing to YMCA to appropriate times Such as weddings And stop leaning on so many tables all the time Stand on your own two feet Here's something from Anthony My sister and I have come to a disagreement about as weddings, and stop leaning on so many tables all the time. Stand on your own two feet. Here's something from Anthony. My sister and I have come to a disagreement about, have come to a disagreement about the consumption of popular media, including books, movies, and television shows. Three great examples of popular media. They're all very popular.

I say that I should only have to make it through about one third, or what you might call the first act of a book, movie, or season of a television show before I decide that I don't like it. I also reserve the right to reject something based on its premise. For example, The Jersey Shore, Raising Hope, Twilight, and so forth. My sister, however, insists that you must read the entire book, watch the entire movie, or the entire television season before judging. However, I believe this is potentially a huge waste of time. Which is right. A third is a perfectly reasonable amount to judge whether or not you liked it.

A third of a television season? That's like, that's a lot of hours of your life. That's a major commitment. I'm presuming that this guy is not lying and that he actually does watch a third, read a third and endure a third of every TV show, book and song that is put before him. But if he is doing that, I find that to be absolutely sufficient

and his sister should get off his case. I have read a third of every book. The only one I liked was Jurassic Park. That's the only one you finished, right? Yeah, didn't like the movie though. Yeah, exactly. I was out of there. I hear there only one you finished, right? Yeah, didn't like the movie, though. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I was out of there. I hear there's raptors, but I didn't get to that part.

Yeah, and now they have to go back and remake Jurassic Park and give all those Velociraptors feathers. We discovered that they have feathers. Well, they should have put the raptors at the beginning if they wanted to keep me. Anyway, long story. You love raptors, and you love them in the first third of a thing. Everyone knows that. You know what I've been thinking a lot about lately, Judge Hodgman?

I'm not a mind reader, Jesse. I've been thinking a lot about who I'm grateful for. Not what I'm grateful for, but who I'm grateful for. It's the holiday season. It's when you think about stuff like that. And also what you're going to get your stepmother who just hates things and gifts. She doesn't like experience. She doesn't like most stuff.

That's kind of it. She doesn't like stuff. What are you going to get her? A massage? But anyway. This has turned into an interesting axe grinding that I wasn't expecting from the way this started. Beside the point. But I'll allow it. I'd like to see where you're going. She likes Irish soda bread. Maybe I should find her some of that. Anyway, I'm not allowed, I'd like to see where you're going. She likes Irish soda bread. Maybe I should find her some of that.

Anyway, I'm really grateful in particular for two kind of people. Number one, donors to MaximumFun.org. Thank you, everyone, who supports this show by donating to support MaximumFun.org. You pay for my time and you pay for our producer, Julia, to call and screen and set people up on their Skypes and reply to the emails. And you pay for our editor, Matt Gourley, to set up the things and blah, blah, blah, and so on and so forth. Not unsung, but barely sung heroes. Insufficiently sung. Of the Judge John Hodgman Enterprise. Insufficiently sung. Of the Judge John Hodgman enterprise.

Insufficiently sung. Look, my song has been sung. Yeah, everyone's singing the Bailiff Jesse song. And rightly so. Supercharge it. And there's one other type of person that I'm grateful for, Judge Hodgman. It's people who take their Christmas money and go to maxfundstore.com and buy themselves some MaximumFun.org related crap. This poster, I can't

even begin to tell you how cool this poster and t-shirt is, this Hodgman poster and t-shirt. Are you talking about the one that Tom DJ designed? Yeah, of Boss Man Graphics. This thing is it depicts Hodgman's transformation from mild-mannered former professional literary agent into deranged millionaire.

A mustachioed deranged millionaire. It is a truly spectacular garment and wall decoration. And I think that you should go to maxfundstore.com and buy one. And while you're there, you can get a sweet maximumfund.org rocket ship t-shirt. Boy, those are terrific. You can get a Monsters of Podcasting poster. There's all kinds of cool stuff you can get there.

A soon-to-be classic. Casper Hauser t-shirts are still available. Absolutely. My Brother, My Brother and Me t-shirts. Stop Podcasting Yourself t-shirts. And hell, I'm going to add a third kind of person that I'm grateful for.

Someone who starts listening to the Judge John Hodgman podcast thinks I enjoy that and tries out some of the other MaximumFun.org podcasts. Well, they're all fantastic. Anyway, thank you everyone for listening. We love you.

Merry Christmas, all that stuff. Merry and happy sadness to you all. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support this show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Matt Gourley. His great podcast, by the way, is called Super Ego. You can find it in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com.

You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, email us and be sure and include your telephone number. The email address is hodgman at maximumfund.org. If you have thoughts about the show, you can always comment on it on our message board, forum.maximumfund.org. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge our message board, forum.maximumfund.org. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.