Judge John Hodgman - The Master's Disaster

Episode Date: January 25, 2012

Jessie and Jason are a happily married couple with a scheduling conflict. Jason is in an intensive master's program and works a full-time job, which leaves him with little to no time for household chores or time for his wife. Jason prefers to schedule his classes in sixteen-week blocks, leaving a "summer vacation" of sorts. His wife prefers that he space out his classes so that she has someone to compliment her changing hairstyles or fix a doorknob. Can Judge Hodgman find a suitable arrangement?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, the master's disaster. Jason and Jessica are happily married, but for one stumbling block. Jason is enrolled in an incredibly demanding graduate program, which, when in session, demands his full attention. He admits this means he sometimes neglects his marital responsibilities. Jessica says his neglect is almost total. Jason says he'd like to pursue his studies in 16-week blocks so that he can have 16 weeks off in between to spend with his wife. Jessica says 16 weeks of intensive schoolwork strains their marriage to the breaking point. She says eight weeks on and eight weeks off is the furthest they should go. The medicine is bitter either way, but at what dosage should it be administered?

Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Good afternoon, everybody. Welcome back to The Marriage Ref, now a podcast instead of a television show. I have Ricky Gervais and Madonna and Larry David in the room behind me, but only I will speak. Bailiff Jesse, will you swear in the plaintiff and defendant? Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? Yes I do Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling

Despite the fact that all of his advanced degrees Were received by writing into an address Found in the back of a comic book? Of course Yes Very well, Judge Hodgman To be fair, Bailiff Jesse When I got my degree in judging from the back of the comic book,

I also got an incredible lifelike piece of plastic fake vomit. And it was a Judge Dredd comic book. Of course. I am the law. All right. Stop laughing. I didn't like that laugh. That creeped me out.

Sorry. Jessica, you are bringing this case to my court. Is that not so? That is so. So what is the problem? Your husband, Jason, goes to school too much? Yes. He's always at school and never at home.

Okay. What sort of degree are you getting, Jason? I am getting a master's degree in computer science with a focus in database technologies. Big time. And where are you studying? At Regis University in Denver. In Denver, Colorado. Yes.

All right. The issue now is that you are going to school for eight weeks at a time and then eight weeks off? Yes. So I am taking three courses a year because that is what my company will reimburse for me to get my master's degree. Okay, so you are an employed person as well. I am. Okay. Yes. And what are you employed in? Do you work at the Coyote Ugly there in Denver? Do they still have a Coyote Ugly? I think that closed down. The one time I was in Denver, it was 15 degrees below zero. And Jonathan Colton and I walked from the hotel to find some restaurant to go to

and there were two options and one of them was the coyote ugly and I could not I could I couldn't bring myself to go in oh yeah I know exactly that's the coyote ugly buzzer that goes off every time I mention coyote ugly what are you doing what are you doing your laundry in there come on is this how busy you are you can't even do a podcast without doing laundry at the same time and listen to a Coyote Ugly anecdote that goes nowhere. My goodness. Jessica. Yes. Describe to me the situation when your husband is going to school and working. Well, when he's in school and working, going to school and working? Well, when he's in school and working,

he basically only has time to do either school, work or occasionally sleep and bathe, which means when he comes home, he's basically grumbles about work and then he grumbles about school. And then he says, bring me a sandwich. And then he goes up to his little study cave where he hibernates while studying. Right. It's like living with Don Draper is what you're saying.

Yes, exactly. It's like you're a married couple in the 60s, but that's not for you. No, no. I was not even born in the 60s, so I feel like... Okay, don't get braggy. What do you do all day? Well, I work. What is your occupation? I work at a museum and I tear tickets or I sell tickets. Are you a docent?

No, that's higher above me. I'm a grub. I didn't know that was a museum term. It's a museum of nature and science. I'm a museum grub. What museum? The Denver Museum. Well, we're going to build that annex this year.

The Museum of Denver? Denver Museum of Nature and Science. Denver Museum of Nature and Science. And this is a career or is this something you're doing? This is sort of just some part-time work after I was laid off a couple years ago. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. What was your position before? I was a script writer for internet commercials.

Huh. That's God's work. Yeah. Jason, I'm not sure I caught what your occupation is because I went into my coyote ugly rant. What? That's all right. I am a platform engineer for a major cable television provider. What? Okay, good. So you're gainfully employed.

Yes. And what do you hope to gain by this master's degree? I'm hoping to both advance my knowledge within my field and also enhance my resume and future career prospects by having a master's degree. Boy, oh boy. It's like you just wrote an essay question. Okay, good. So you're proposing a 16-week class session. Is that right? Yes. So my university, it's specifically geared towards people who work full-time. Sure.

And so they offer eight-week intensive courses instead of the traditional semester-long course. Are you actually going to a class or is this all done online? I am going to a classroom. My university does offer online courses. I was very unhappy with the handful I took, and I dedicate myself to getting in the classroom as much as possible. Okay. Why were you – just out of curiosity, why were you unhappy with the online courses? They are just a lot of very antiquated forum posts and not a lot of real education going on.

Okay, absolutely. And there's more chance for masturbation in the classroom. Well, that's something I'm now adding to my list of cons for sure. So you want to do 16, right now you're doing eight weeks on, eight weeks off with your classes on top of your job. Is that right, Jason? That's correct. And you want to switch to a 16 weeks on 16 weeks your job. Is that right, Jason? That's correct. And you want to switch to a 16 weeks on, 16 weeks off schedule. Is that correct? At least, yes.

So that I would take 16 weeks of courses between January and the end of April. Yeah, I got a calendar. I can do the math. I know what 16 weeks are. I got it all mapped out here. And then I'll take the full summer off. And then at the end of the year, because I'm taking three classes a year, doing eight weeks on, eight weeks are. I got it all mapped out here. And then I'll take the full summer off. And then at the end of the year, because I'm taking three classes a year, doing eight weeks on, eight weeks off. Now, what is the benefit of this? The full benefit is I would have the summer off, which is

what I would be primarily interested in, is enjoying my entire summer off. I'd say so. It's a selfish desire to go water skiing. Well, at least to enjoy, yes, some more of Colorado's fine outdoor weather during that time. Sure. It's a beautiful state and it has some great restaurants. And you have submitted some evidence to suggest that this is a necessary thing in your life. You need more sunshine. I have. So I was actually diagnosed within the past couple of years with a vitamin D deficiency. Oh, my goodness.

And I submitted a photograph of a giant bottle of vitamin D that my doctor required me to get and take two of those every single day. Oh, my goodness. Yes. Your Honor. And so wait a minute. This is a serious thing. Excuse me for a moment, Jessica. Okay.

This is a serious situation. Jason, do you have rickets? I don't have rickets, but my vitamin D is quite low. I'm not a doctor, but I do have an internet connection. And so I know that vitamin D deficiency is a precursor to rickets. So let me just test now if you have rickets. Do you have any bone pain or tenderness in your arms, legs, pelvis, or spine? No.

Do you have any dental deformities? Yes. Oh. Ha ha ha ha! You just got burned! What sort of dental deformities does he have, Jessica? He has a gap between two teeth in the front of his mouth. Oh, he has a gap between

his teeth. Okay. Muscle cramps? No. Are you less than five feet tall? No. Do you have an asymmetrical or odd-shaped skull? I don't think so. Are you bow-legged? No. Do you less than five feet tall? No. Do you have an asymmetrical or odd-shaped skull? I don't think so. Are you bow-legged? No. Do you have bumps in the ribcage? No. Is your breastbone pushed forward? No.

Do you suffer from Harrison's groove? I'm not certain I know what that is. You wouldn't know if you had it. It's when you're dancing to a Beatles song. Oh, I like that. So, yeah, I probably have that. It's when you're elected president and you die 30 days later.

I haven't had that happen yet. Pelvic deformities? Be honest with me. No. Okay. Jessica? Well? Well, he does have a gap between his teeth. So it looks like you do not have rickets at this time. So I'm going to throw out the evidence of the vitamin D deficiency as being a compelling thing here. Jessica, would you please describe to me what life is like when your just a non-stop day filled with chores and trash taking out which is

almost always a man job in our house you know i have to go stir the compost and churn the butter what yeah i was gonna stop you at turn the compost which might be plausible that you actually have a compost but you're not churning butter, are you? Kind of. I mean, I don't have a traditional butter churn, but I make the butter in a jar instead. Okay, but you know what? That's what we used to call in college an elective. No one in Colorado is forcing you to churn butter. You're not on like a PBS reality show, are you? Where you're trying to live like an old-timey 1960s Denver wife who churned her own butter or something? No, no, not currently.

All right. You can just order butter from the milkman like everyone else does. Exactly. Leave a note in your empty milk bottle on the stoop. Ask them for a loaf of bread, a stick of butter, and a quart of milk. Okay. And so then basically I do all the cooking and all the cleaning. Okay. Are you cooking over a hearth fire? No, an electric stove.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, how proud of you. And is there a difference between the eight-week? I would think that if you were doing it over eight weeks on, eight weeks off, that the intensity during the eight-week period of his schoolwork would be greater, no? on eight weeks off that the intensity during the eight week period of his of his schoolwork would be greater no well so the eight week period i've learned to deal with over the past couple years but when we did try the 16 week period last year and it became our house i sort of had to give up on some of the housework because there was just not enough time are you saying some butter went unchurned yes and that cream just sat all lonely by itself.

You had loose cream all over the place? Right. And we don't have any cats. So nobody was cleaning it up. I see. And so now he wants to do 16 weeks and you don't. If he does do 16 weeks, I believe you have proposed a remedy. Yes.

I was going to call in a second husband to kind of take over his duties. Aha. That's not how you described it in your letter to me, though. I refer to this person as my lover. Okay, this sounds fantastic. What would your lover do? Obviously, they'd help churn the butter, and then the stirring of the compost. Oh my goodness. Assisting with dishes.

Are these euphemisms? Is this like Harrison's groove? No, I actually need someone to come stir the compost. Are you writing a bad Nina Simone song? You need someone to come in and churn your butter? Well, sometimes I do. I mean, I can probably handle the butter churning on my own. I'd be willing to take that on. So you're looking for a hired hand.

Well, right, but I don't want to pay them with anything but wifely duties in return. What do you mean? Well, I would bake them bread because I make bread from scratch, and I would prepare meals for them when they weren't preparing meals for me. And I would craft things and let them have the items I crafted. Like what sort of craftings are we talking about here? Little voodoo dolls of your husband that you want to throw in a fire? You know, that or bookmarks, maybe some slippers. No, no. First of all, I don't, I'm not sure whether I'm going to approve this whole scheme

yet, but no bookmarks. No one wants those. Get a piece of paper. It's a bookmark. What are you going to weave some bookmarks out of some gimp? Some leather crafting of bookmarks? That's the worst. But then it can also be a belt.

What size of a man do you want? Tiny? You want a tiny little homunculus who can use a bookmark for a belt? Yes, please. Okay. Are you being serious? I have requested the assistance. I've sort of lined up some second husbands or lovers, as we might call them. Let me ask you a question here.

I'm not an expert on Colorado law, but I do have an internet connection. And I do know that Colorado, the state of Colorado, still considers adultery to be illegal. Now, it has not been prosecuted since 1925, but I could drop a dime on you in a second if you're telling me that you're going to have relations with these men, if they're going to truly be man or men, presumably, if they're going to truly be your lover, is that what you're talking about? No, I wouldn't have relations with these men because most of them are actually in relationships themselves. So they don't need that from me. Does relations mean P and V?

Yes. Yeah. Is this what's called in Denver the Mile High Club? Yep. So you actually have candidates. Right. I've lined up some candidates that have a lot of skills that I think would be

great to bring into our home. So really, we should consider them even when Jason isn't in class. You have given me here, and we'll put this up on the website, you have given me an affidavit from someone named Nick. I will not use his last name for fear that he might also be committing adultery of some kind. And you have submitted this. So this is an affidavit in which one of your candidates, one of your two candidates for lover-ness, writes,

I, Nick, do solemnly swear that in the event that Jason takes 16 weeks of courses in a row or more, that I will step in and assist as the second husband Jessica so rightly deserves. My duties as second husband

will include assisting with home chores such as dishes, trash removal, compost, stirring. It's right in there. It's black and white. And laundry needs. I see no mention of buttering. Occasional food prep, noticing, complimenting, and discussing Jessica's hairdos. Is this important to you? Yes.

Because Jason is so busy, he has a hard time noticing that my hair is different from day to day. Is that true, Jason? When I'm in class, I might not notice that as much as I should. I see. Do you compliment her on her outfits? I do. I try to very often. You try to very often?

Yes. Again, when I'm in school, I sometimes may neglect doing so as often as I normally would. Do you ever say, hey, sweetheart, this butter is nicely churned? I may have said that once or twice before, yes. Is this true, Jessica? Does he compliment you on your outfits and compliment you on your churning? Oh, yeah.

I mean, especially when he's not in school, he is exceptionally complimentary. But when he's in school, you need someone to notice that your hair is different and so on? Right. Well, generally just to pay attention to me. I see.

Escorting Jesse on outings that may or may not be super fun. Slumber party antics. What is that all about? Well, we have an awesome futon that the second husband could sleep on. And then we could like braid each other's hair, talk about boys, you know, things that I miss from slumber parties of yesterday. I see. And bug vermin and creepy crawly removal? Yeah, traditionally in our home, that has been a man job. I see. And you have some concern about centipedes? Yeah, too many legs. I don't care for them. All right. Do you have any friends? Do you have any friends or sisters or family members or

brothers who could help you in this regard? Yes, I have some. That's true. Okay. Well, I mean, why? You have to demonstrate to me that this is the only solution. I will fully admit that offering to bring in a lover into the house to help make up for Jason's duties might have just been upping the ante to try and convince him not to take 16 weeks of classes in a row. I see. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and I'm willing to take it to the next level and actually bring these gentlemen in.

Jason, how do you feel about this proposed scheme? Well, so the men who have agreed to this so far, and actually a third even came in very shortly before our conversation, they're friends of mine. They're personal friends. I enjoy their company a great deal. I see. But I'm not at all worried about any infidelity, but that said, it does make me feel as though a cuckold if this were to happen. Right. It does make me feel that I'm not really fulfilling my duties as a husband. Well, you're not, but you're not. Well, this is true, but I'm asking for a short-term sacrifice for a long-term gain.

How many of these 16-week courses do you have to do? I need to take, in total, 12 eight-week courses. So these would be two different courses back-to-back going to a 16-week stretch. And then you would get your master's degree? Yes. And then what? A PhD? And then what, an Ironman triathlon? When are you going to start tending to your family, sir? I would be surprised if I pursued a PhD.

I'd probably stop at a single master's degree. But you appreciate that this is the equivalent of going to war. Yes. Oh, very, very much. This is easily one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, to work full-time and pursue my master's. It is all-consuming. You guys do not have children, I presume.

No. Okay. But it is an all-consuming pursuit, and you are effectively abandoning your wife. Colorado is a no-fault divorce state, but in some states, that itself would be grounds for divorce. I would drop my master's degree if it were truly to come to that. Well, I don't think that it's going to come to that, but do you wish to deny your wife compliments, churning help, slumber party antics? No, I don't wish to deny her that, but I do feel very uncomfortable with having another man take those duties. I would rather try to refocus myself during those times as best as I could than have another man enter our home. And plus, I would hear them having fun while I was studying.

And that sounds monstrous, doesn't it? It does. All of this sounds creepy and exciting to me, I have to say. And you'll be surprised to learn this is not unprecedented in my personal experience. I have never engaged in such a thing. But I knew a couple where the one spouse would often be called away to travel for her job for a long time. And the husband, who was also a professional person, felt entirely abandoned and alone. professional person felt entirely abandoned and alone. And so the wife would arrange for one of her girlfriends to come and stay at the house and keep him company and do light housework. And in their lives, this person was not called a lover, because to the best of my knowledge,

that did not happen, but maybe it did. But this person was called the Paniwani wife. And so it is not entirely unusual and certainly in many ways understandable, particularly if the person left behind is having to run a household. And yet all of it also feels very creepy and exciting. Would these people stay overnight? They could if they wanted to. We have a futon that they could easily call their own. Okay. I think I have all the information I need. I'm going to go away and consider this in chambers while checking to see if Coyote Ugly

Denver is still open or not. And then I will come back and render my decision. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Jessica, how does it make you feel to be abandoned in this way? Lonely and afraid. Afraid, really? Of the housework that I'm going to have to do all on my own. Are you being glib or sincere? Well, I don't really like housework. I mean, I'm sincerely sort of lazy. And you're afraid of your own laziness? Yeah. I mean, it doesn't seem like a trait I should really foster.

Jason, your wife seems to be willing to go to almost absurd lengths in this situation. How does that make you feel? It definitely captured my attention that I may not have been doing everything I should be doing as a husband. And whatever the judge's decision may be, I'm grateful for his guidance in this matter. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. Well, you guys will be very excited to know that, at least according to the internet,

Coyote Ugly Denver is still in operation. Oh, good. Although it's very possible that they could have gone out of business and then neglected to take down their website. So I'm going to have to rely on you two to find out by doing a field mission for me. And you're going to take along a lover. Yes. I am sorry, Jason. This is simply too marvelous an opportunity to mess with people's lives for me to not take.

marvelous an opportunity to mess with people's lives for me to not take. And yet I realize that I may be doing something pretty dangerous here. Because the one thing I forgot to mention about the story of the Paniwani wife, those people are divorced now. Oh, no. I think that it is perfectly reasonable for your wife to seek help from a friend in the chores aspect of her life if you are going to take on this all-consuming pursuit and for a long period of time. I also feel that if you feel comfortable, I do not think that the term lover is appropriate because that does suggest that's almost too provocative, Jessica. You are trying to get someone's goat. So we shall say a gentleman companion.

But the caveat is I get to pick who it is. Ooh. So we have, I know Nick gave one affidavit. And then the other affidavit was from Seth. And the third? Is from James. Who are these men? They're just James. Who are these men? They're just friends.

Who are these creepy Denver men? Well, they're not hobos. They're definitely friends. And we also have a fourth that is on its way. I just got an email from a guy named Fernando. Okay. I think, first of all, you should have a party where you sit in an armchair while Fernando, James, Nick, and Seth wait on you hand and foot for six hours as your husband watches. And we will call that Eyes Wide Shut.

And then, first of all, no one can stay overnight. That's weird. Unless they can't drive home for whatever reason. Second of all, there will be no slumber party antics because that's something that you should share with your girlfriends. Right. Okay. That sounds good. Okay. Now, are any of these men of a differing sexual preference? No, no. All of these men are self-identified uh heterosexuals

yes and all of these men are married no none of these men are married but three of the four are in uh girlfriend boyfriend relationships who is the one who is not in a relationship james and what does he do for a living? He works with Jason in the same office. Oh my goodness. Jason, how would you feel if James started hanging around your house, helping your wife turn the butter? Of the four listed, I've known him the longest. And I would at least trust him in terms of not turning bare metaphorically in any way, but actually.

I want to see if this can work. I want to see if this crazy Denver, Colorado-style marriage can work. And so I find in favor of Jessica, Jason, if you do take the 16-week course, Jessica, Jason, if you do take the 16-week course, James will be welcome in your home as a potty-wotty husband of a non-sexual, non-sleepover nature to help with chores, to help pick up centipedes, to compliment and pay nice attention in a friendly way to Jessica until she feels confident enough that she no longer requires James's services.

That may be for the entire term or not. And I also hereby order the three of you to get together and go to Coyote Ugly and have your picture taken, the three of you, at Coyote Ugly and send it in so that I may post it on the website as sign that non-traditional marriages can work, at least at Coyote Ugly. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Well, you've won your Pawnee Wawnee husband, Jessica. How are you feeling?

So good. On top of the world. This is amazing. Are you excited about your Eyes Wide Shut party? Yes. I might be a little frightened of that as well, but I think that was the purpose of that film. Jason,

are you feeling cuckolded at all? A little, but I am also sharing Judge Hodgman's academic curiosity as to whether or not this could work. And I like James. He's a very good friend of mine.

So it will be interesting to see what happens. At least it will be interesting to see what happens. At least it will be nice to have another friend around. Do you think that this is going to strengthen your marriage? I hope so, in that when the time is over, Jessica will realize how happy she is just having one husband. And then the butter churning can begin. Yes.

Oh, Jason, I forgot. You know that you have to refer to James as your brother husband now, right? Oh, that was a given. Yeah,

absolutely. Okay. I'll even refer to him as that at work. I can, I can see, I can see no finer justice than that. Jason, Jessica,

thank you for joining us on Judge John Hodgman. Thank you. Thank you. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made-in pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're made-in, made-in.

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Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year.

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And remember, no running in the halls. the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D Ah, it'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself.

A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Oh, wow. That was an amazing case, eh, Judge Hodgman? I want to move to Denver immediately. What a crazy lifestyle they lead out there. It's that thin air. That's what it is, isn't it?

And the inspirational example of Tim Tebow. And the insane airport that they have there with the insane murals and crazy sculpture of a giant bronco. I am really excited to see the picture of them at Coyote Ugly. I'm going to post that when we get it on the new Judge John Hodgman Facebook fan page. How about that? That sounds great. I hope there will be lots of fans. Well, there only will be if people go to the Facebook

fan page on Facebook and click on like. That's all you have to do. Sorry, I just get really excited about social networking. Facebook makes it easy for you to share interesting internet developments with your friends. Photos, links, music. Favorite podcasts.

Favorite podcasts. Facebook is a number one. Let's talk about. They got to me, Jesse. They got to me. Let's talk about what we got on the docket here and how we can clear it out. Here's something from Matt. He says, he has a related question

to our carry-on, carryings-on episode. He says, while standing in the aisle waiting to deplane recently, the diminutive elderly woman in front of me turned around and asked

if I'd be kind enough to help her get her bag down. With a smile and a certainly, I pulled her bag down and gave it to her. At this point, she presented me with what was clearly an already palmed $5 bill saying, thank you, that's for you. I started to politely protest, but before I could finish, she shoved the bill into my shirt pocket with a forceful and annoyed, thank you, and strode off down the aisle. The people behind me were chuckling and commenting on this exchange and i with an audible mutter of disgust pulled the bill out of my pocket

and tossed it into the overhead compartment what now i realized my behavior was ungentlemanly and i should have just accepted the bill but am i right in thinking that she was in the wrong? I felt like her action cheapened my courteousness and turned me into a bellhop. Yeah, that's what you are. If you are a young person, you are a bellhop

to the old ladies of the world. That is how you should see yourself. You did the wrong thing by muttering and throwing away good money. That was $5 that you could have spent on some candy or a toy for yourself. That's why old ladies are giving you money. Anytime an old lady wants to give you money,

internet users, take it. It makes old ladies happy. And only in certain states does it make you their lover. So, thus I rule. I have something here from Dylan. Following in the grand tradition of anal

malcontents, sending you persnickety emails. After hearing the betting crasher episode of Judge Sean Hodgman, I feel the need to register my internet rage at plaintiff Emily's misuse of the term point of order. One rises for a point of order

to draw the chair's attention to a violation of the rules, i.e. someone speaking out of turn or shutter to think, a motion to recess, taking privilege over a motion to adjourn. Emily should have risen for a point of information,

which is used to correct, confirm, or request factual information. Actually, this email more properly constitutes a point of order, as I am pointing out that Emily was out of order when she rose for a point of order. I yield the balance of my time and dignity to the chair. There was no dignity to be yielded. None was left. I've been getting quite a few emails lately suggesting that I'm doing things wrong. And I'm always willing to read them. I will not re-litigate.

But I will say, in this case, point taken for two reasons. The gentleman from the internet is absolutely correct. point taken for two reasons. The gentleman from the internet is absolutely correct. And also, I wanted to point out that anal malcontents is also a symptom of rickets that people should know about.

Just coincidentally. I want to take this opportunity to do two things. Number one, thank all of the anal malcontents out there

who have taken a moment to review Judge John Hodgman in iTunes. It makes a big difference, actually. You'd be surprised. Does it really?

I have no idea. Yeah. No, it totally does. It is a big part of your iTunes ranking. Oh. People think iTunes can tell how many people

are subscribed to a podcast, but it totally can't. It just guesses based on how many people click on it and how many people review it. So iTunes ranking is a big part of that is how many people review it. So please continue to review it. That's number one. And number two, a lot of people have been going to MaxFunStore.com and ordering our sweet John Hodgman. The change has come.

T-shirts and posters. So thank you to all of those people. Designed by Tom DJ. Yes, Tom. You got it. They are super, super cool. And there are other MaxFun related stuffs there. So thank you to all of those people at MaxFunStore.com.

Hey, Jesse, you know what would be interesting? If you were a fan of the Judge John Hodgman fan page on Facebook or a follower of my Tumblr at AreasOfMyExpertise.com, you know what you might learn? What's that? I'm going to be making some public appearances in the future. Is that so? Yeah. Wait, in what us nerds call meat space? I can meet you in flesh space, and you can find out where.

These cities are major cities, Jesse, that I'm going to. Holy mackerel. Like, I'm going to Morris, Minnesota. Oh, no. I'm going to Alexandria, Virginia. Oh, my goodness. I'm going to the three Ms,

Milwaukee, Madison, and, uh, Minneapolis. Oh, state college, Pennsylvania, the least imaginatively named town in Pennsylvania. Jeez Louise. And,

uh, Tucson, Arizona. Criminy. Okay. So, uh, but I would love to see people there.

Uh, uh, perhaps listeners to the show might say hello and I will give them a special, special Judge John Hodgman welcome. Oh. I will not only shake their hand, but I will grasp their shoulder. Oh. And say thank you. Oh.

Well, Jesse, I think you might want to check for anal malcontents and softening of the skull, because I think you might have brain rickets. Thanks very much for tuning in to the John Hodgman Podcast. I'm John Hodgman. The tale of Jesse is going to take a little time off. I hope you will see us again next time. Bye. I hope you will see us again next time. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support this show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org.

The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Matt Gourley. His great podcast, by the way, is called Super Ego. You can find it in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online at AreasOfMyExpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, email us and be sure and include your telephone number. The email address is hodgmanatmaximumfund.org. If you have thoughts about the show, you can always comment on it on our message board, forum.maximumfund.org. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.