Upstream - S2E13: The Spy with My Face

Episode Date: November 24, 2022

It's Napoleon Solo's second outing, and it's fuckin wierd. I think this is maybe our funniest episode since Cars 2, genuinely. There's just such a rich tapestry of insane things this movie puts in front of you. Napoleon Solo is kidnapped and replaced with an evil agent that has had plastic surgery to look exactly like him, just in time to be sent away on a critical mission to deliver the new access codes... for the Vault. And it falls to UNCLE Agent Ilya to realise that this man is not enough of a misogynist to be the real Solo ------ THE WINTER OF CONTENT The UCU has a fighting fund that you can contribute to here: https://www.ucu.org.uk/fightingfund If you do feel you have money to spare, please consider supporting your local food banks with money or time! donate to the Trussell Trust here: https://www.trusselltrust.org/make-a-donation/ or the Independent food aid network here: https://www.foodaidnetwork.org.uk/donate There are several ongoing strike funds that could do with some donations, and several can be found here: https://www.cwu.org/ Additionally, please consider joining a renter's union like ACORN, as rising mortgage rates will surely result in rising rent, here: https://www.acorntheunion.org.uk/join ------ Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------     *WEB DESIGN ALERT*  Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/     Kill James Bond is hosted by Alice Caldwell-Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com and https://twitter.com/killjamesbond

It was gay, and it was exciting. Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. I am Atlas Cordova Kelly. I am joined, as always, by my friends, Abigail Thorne and Devin. Hey. How you doing? And we watched The Spy With My Face. Joined by Abigail Thorne and Devin.

We both look exactly like Alice now. That's right. We've had surgery to look like Alice. We've had that facial aversandification surgery. I'm Napoleon Solo, and joining me today are Napoleon Solo. Napoleon Solo, yeah. All played by Massey Lubchansky. This is the funniest titled Man From U.N.C.L.E. movie. It's only the second one and we've already had the funniest title so far, which is The Spy With My Face. And this is assembled... this is the last

one that isn't just recut episodes. They shot this in colour, side by side with the episodes which they shot black and white. And it's great. I'm really looking forward to talking about it because per weight, per number of drops that I have, this has the funniest drops that we've done since

at least the Connery years. The gap in silliness between this one and the previous one is huge this is so so fucking stupid they've given up completely already like they're just like you know what yeah this is it's gonna be disappointing when it like goes back to being slightly more serious in later ones because this one is genuinely like one of the most outre it's so fun it's a high point it is like you put a single uh roger moore bond in the middle of the conneries but we begin as as as all things should in australia yeah opening title, Melbourne, Australia, and then, like, some weirdly racist music place.

Yeah! Just quite near the TF Live show. Yeah, exactly. And we see the dangerously close-to-blackface commandos infiltrating a sort of, like, villa. And my favourite thing about this, well, there's two things going on in this scene. One is that bits of it are in, like, weird fast motion over the credits. Yeah, same as last time. Yeah, which I thought was, because I have no memory for these things,

I purged myself of the memory of a movie after I've seen it and done the episode about it. I thought it was just a glitch instead of a stylistic choice, because it makes no fucking sense. They're trying to do the kind of Zack Snyder fast motion, slow motion thing, but they don't have the technology for it in 1965, so they just kind of zack snyder fast motion slow motion thing but they don't have the technology for it in 1965 so they're just kind of fast forward but like the the awkward bits of dudes climbing over a wall is just like fast forward so they just look like the dudes the dudes climbing over a wall is something i want to highlight as well because uncle's deal is like having gadgets in

part and we see them deploy the ultimate gadget of australian, to get over a barbed wire fence, one of them just hands up half of a bike tire that they just use to climb over. Yeah, it's a barbed wire, electrified fence, and they're just like, well we can solve this easily with a big rubber tire, can't we boys? It's perfect! I envision a whole sort of universe of Uncle's Australian division, where every gadget is along these lines. It's like, your working resources are an old car and a case of VB, and some tape. Some number 8 wire, and you just sort of knock stuff together.

Long neck. VB long neck. Actually before we get into Australian accents, I should point out, we see Napoleon Solo, we see Ilya Kuryakin, who we haven't really talked about because he didn't really have a role in the last movie, and we see a third man, an Australian uncle agent. Yeah. An Australian uncle. Yeah.

Only the guy who had the bike tyre. Yeah. In the course of infiltrating this house, gets a knife thrown perfectly through his shoulder. He walks it off! He doesn't give a shit about this knife! Well, he says something which allows me to present my first drop to you, accent.wav. Makes it really hard to get my shirt out, I wouldn't. That's what an Australian sounds like, I think. That guy's Canadian, by the way.

Also, we see in this that Robert Vaughan is among them, and they're killing people, which Uncle aren't supposed to do. But they are, like, kicking ass. Mm-hmm. Yeah, he gets in the trunk of a car, lures a guy over, kills him by bundling him into the car, like a car trunk mimic. This is so fucking... It's like a clown routine. It's so silly. Like a car trunk mimic, for fuck's sake. My favorite thing that he does is he...

Okay, so he walks past a door. The door is slightly ajar, and he sees a guy in there. But because they don't give a shit when they're making this movie, the extra who is about to get blown up in this scene is just in the door, on his hands and knees, like, on all fours, like, waiting for the next thing to happen. And it fully looks like Robert Vaughn sees a guy bottoming and throws a grenade into the room. He disrespects bottoms so much. Yes.

Yeah, he's just so terrified of the fanboys. Yeah, he's just so terrified of the fanboys. Also, he shoots a guard at the top of a spiral staircase and the guard's death reaction is so... It's hard to describe through an audio mediumlessness, but it's just so bad. It's like a school play level of like it clutches his chest

and slowly rolls down the stairs. A spiral staircase culminating with his beret falling off. It's perfect. Some perfect gunplay here. I swear to god, like, there's a point where Solo hears a noise

from another room and realizes that there are some guys in it, but I swear to god he heard, like, a twig snap or something. I don't know what the noise was. That was the guy bottoming, yeah. Going through a mansion and hearing a twig snap. So cute.

So, the sole point of this scene is to give you some action up front, and so you know that Solo and the Australian guy have worked together before. That's it. Then, we go straight back to New York, we go back to uncle headquarters i'm sorry no we don't no no um first we don't first we meet the villains of the film um god we do because we see that they are watching the the camera recording of this um one of them is a woman named serena and what's the other guy what's the guy's name the other the other guy's name is darius 2. Okay. And he sounds fully like the, yeah, kind of like newsreel voice. It's sort of an attempted mid-Atlantic accent.

Later on, he does have the best line in the whole film, but. Go about your duties, you miserable pervert. Yeah, that one. So good.

But these two, these two, Serena and Darius, they are agents of Thrush, which is what Wasp is actually called from the last film. And we're going to have to call them Thrush now because the copyright has changed. But they're watching this back and they're like,

ah, Napoleon Solo, he's really good. Wish we had an agent who was just like him. Oh, what if we did, though? Yeah, and then we zoom out slightly and we see a guy in my favourite outfit on any guy in a movie, the full facial bandages covering everything apart from his eyes and his mouth. And at this point, I'm pointing at the screen going, that's the spy with my face from the movie, the spy with my face.

She's just had her effects, she's still pretty swollen, she hasn't had it off yet. She's still wearing a full business suit, though. This man is wearing a suit and tie and a full facial bandage. Presumably, if he's on the full facial bandages, he must be on some painkillers. This must be recent surgery. Props to her for getting into full suit and tie.

Never miss a day of work. Looks a lot like Joshua Graham from Fallout New Vegas. Probably still really constipated from all the opioids that they give you after FFS. Yeah, and they're like, okay. It's time to begin phase one of the August Affair, and this motherfucker says the phrase the August Affair like he is getting paid to include it yeah it's like square spaces in the film like so so much and we don't even

find out what the fuck it is till halfway through what i love time to commence august what i love about these movies in general is that like ostensibly it's two like world striding organizations in in constant combat you know uncle and thrush however all of them are played by like english guys so essentially you just swap from one agents to the other and they all sound fucking identical yeah yeah and it takes like two lines before you figure out if you're with thrush or uncle there doesn't seem to be much in the way of like different corporate cultures or practices or ideologies or like styles

it's just like smart people in suits be like quipping at each other and it's like which side are we on corporate culture of Uncle is the security Dorito and the style of Thrush I love the security Dorito and then we go to we go to New York and the style of thrush is if you die, Garita. If you fuck up one time, you die.

And then we go to New York and we see that thrush are giving a briefing to themselves. I love this. I love this bit so much because they're in an operating theater where the spy with my face is getting operated on

and Darius, Mr. Nyah, walks over to a console and says something which I've bemoaned about myself many times. Voice patterns not yet perfect. Because they're giving him, like, facial Robert Vornification surgery, and they have to change his voice, too. Oh yeah, I's probably it. Yeah. And they're like, okay,

fine, we'll just do the briefing. Preserving facial vomit mortification surgery. He's putting penis preserving at the start of any medical procedure. It's like, yeah, I fucking hope it does. I'm getting a penis preserving appendectomy. So they wheel in the big projector,

the loud projector from the previous movie, and they're like, okay, we'll do a briefing about the August affair. This is Thrush's one technological advancement of Uncle, is they have quiet projectors. They have a series of photos, but I have no fucking concept how you could have ever gotten... Yeah, they have a series of production stills from episodes with the man from uncle of the secret entrance to uncle in del florea's flower shop at which point i wrote down

does every cunt know about the secret entrance yeah especially considering the base was breached in the last film you'd think they'd fucking move yeah they did they moved it to the flower shop instead of the dry cleaners but we see inside it's the same they changed the name of the dry cleaners to the flowers and so the briefing is you're gonna impersonate

Napoleon Solo or as he says it that my dear was Napoleon Solo Napoleon Solo, or as he says it. That, my dear, was Napoleon Solo. Napoleon Solo. You're gonna imitate him, but in order to do that, we're gonna have to take care of Ilya Kuryakin, because Ilya's his mate,

and he knows him better than anyone, and he's gonna recognize it, because your voice is too fucking, like, it isn't parsoid enough, so we're gonna have to kill him um having to kill a man because your voice doesn't pass every day of

my fucking life when you're gonna go stealth if anyone knows they've gotta go that's it that's that's right sorry so at this point we we cut to the real solo coming to the office with with kuriakan and you could tell he's the real solo because he gets given a stack of memos from the time he's been away and it's

just like sandy charlotte sandy yeah he gets fan mail from all the from all the girls he's been shagging and my question is why does he have this sent to his work address his secret spy headquarters his secretary is really like sort of like procuring for him she like she even sort of lampshades how many times sandy has called him by being like an active little thing isn't she is that his secretary or is that like the front desk clerk of the yeah that's the front desk clerk the one who we saw got gassed in the first movie works that's not even his secretary his like, like, social secretary, I suppose. All his, like, pussy mail is coming to UNCLE headquarters, brackets, secret entrance underflash.

So he, having received notes about all of his, like, sex appointments, he goes into the office. We get what would now be an embarrassingly long shot of him dialing a phone because rosary phones are hysterical yeah the first thing he does is use his work phone at the headquarters to call a woman yeah of course it's sandy she's down no idea how to behave in an office environment at this point i this is sort of like a what not to do office training seminar. At this point I wrote down, girls love to sleep in entirely pink apartments in twin beds and be introduced with the sexy woman music. Yeah, and also to be wearing full makeup in bed. I do this all the time, this is normal.

That's right. Yes, this is femme shit. He calls this woman, who we think is Sandy, and he's like, oh, well I'd love to see you, to have sex with you. And she goes, oh, well, okay, fine, but I'm not actually Sandy. Sandy's my roommate, platonically. We sleep in these twin beds in the same room. This is normal, also.

Yeah, that's platonic. I'll get her. Sandy gets up, gets on the phone, has a refreshing morning cigarette, and Sandy wants the fucking Napoleon Solo dick more than anyone we've ever seen. That's right. This woman is down atrocious. Atrocious. Unbelievable.

She's like, whatever you've been doing, I hope it was penis preserving. The phrase that this scene ends on and the music that comes after is so fucking good that I've got it, yeah. They agree to go out on a date and then Sandy laments to her roommate. She says, I have a dinner date at six o'clock and I don't have a thing to wear. That'll never go out of style.

Yeah, just show up. Show up to your date, pussy out. That is the official recommendation of to spy with my face. Yeah, do it. And also kill James Bond. Yeah. So, at this point, Solo goes in to see his boss, Mr. Waverly, having now decided to do some work. Yeah, of course. Because the point of this movie is like, ooh, is he the real Solo?

He pulls a gun in order to get the, like, in an episode, in a TV episode, there'll be a commercial break, right? He's just pulled a gun on his boss, and he's creeping up behind him, and then we cut to the commercial, and you try and explain this. But because there's no commercial, because it's a movie, he just creeps up on him, and then he goes then he goes oh hey this is my giving you a report gun yeah so so he he debombs the mag and like the bottom round in the magazine has microfilm hidden in it which is about his trip from australia and like why would you hide your microfilm in your gun in your bullet oh i don't want us to be conspicuous. I'll put it in a fucking gun and go through airport security. This is the thing about airport security.

If you try and carry a gun through airport security... If you try and carry a gun through airport security, they're not going to look that closely at anything you've got concealed within that gun on account of the gun thing kind of being a bit salient napoleon solo tips to business success okay when you get into the office job number one and see your own personal mail in the office job number two use the work phone from the secret headquarters to arrange a date job number three go and see your boss from behind and pull a gun on him. And it's not even midday. Just got in.

It's like 9.35 maximum. You should do this at work, listeners. Point a gun at your boss, they'll love it. Oh my god. It's not 9.30 maximum. A man who does this did not arrive on time. This is like 11.35. He's had like four handles of vodka at this point, as any self-respecting red-blooded

American man would at this point. As is Ryan. As is Holy. And Waverly's like, okay, decode this thing in the bullet you've just sent me. I'm gonna need you to stay late at the spy factory to decode this. So he and Ilya go to the big room where allode this. So, he and Ilya go to the big room where all the computers are, and he's kind of, like, looking at the clock.

And meanwhile, across town, Sandy is onto her second bottle of champagne and trying to fuck a photograph of Napoleon Solo. A framed glossy of him. Of Robert Vaughn. Framed glossy of robert vaughn just a classic like

so as a joke um so in my old house my childhood home where i grew up and there were like photos of the family on the whole table you know and like as a joke my brother printed out this picture of robert vaughn and just like put it on the table to see how long it'll take my parents to notice and because my parents are like so loving and supporting of their children they never threw it out they just like put it in the drawer of the hall table just like when the guests came around and we would just like keep printing it out and we were just referring to this as Uncle Robert. Fantastic. Fucking fantastic. And in fact, still, the family group chat on WhatsApp is still called Uncle Robert's group chat.

That's where we're from. That's this picture. Fuck yeah. Hell fucking yeah. I've learned so much, like, Abigail Thorne law. So she tries to fuck the photograph of Abby's uncle. And she's getting more and more drunk and fucked up and angry that Napoleon has stood her up, because the other thing that you need to know about Sandy is that she's crazy, right?

She's on those good 60s uppers, and as a consequence, she's throwing glasses of champagne around, she's throwing the photograph around, and Solo... Good 60s uppers for fuck's sake. Solo, like, begs off work, he gets Ilya to cover for him. Ilya has a great line, by the way, he just says, I've got my computers to keep me warm. It's like, okay. Good lad.

Top luck. I've got my computers to keep me warm. It's like, okay. Good lad. Top bloke. So Solo goes to Sandy's apartment, and here we get the weirdest fucking scene of the movie. Because Sandy has a gentleman caller instead of Solo. She's, like, comforting herself. She's found another man, and this man is an inflatable clown that she keeps in her bedroom. I swear this wasn't in the last scene in this bedroom.

No, it wasn't. So she's like inflated it and brought it in since then? Yes. She has a clown body pillow. She takes that. Drunkly and angrily inflated a clown. Which cannot be a short affair. Because it wasn't in the room that morning.

She must have gone, I've got a date tonight, so I'm going to dress up nice, I'm going to put my makeup on, I'm going to inflate the clown and put it in the bedroom next to my bed. What? Oh, I hate it when girls inflate the clown.

How did the clown get in the room? Never mind. You've switched off all of the lights in your house. You've inflated the clown. You've forgotten about the poison sockets. She takes the clown to bed, and she's on the bed, hugging the clown.

Again, like you would a body pillow, perhaps. This thing is as big as she is. She's doing visual bits. She's doing visual bits on her own to no one. She's kissing the clown's nose. 60s uppers!

60s uppers! She was on the shit that Hunter S. Thompson was on. I gotta get me some of these. And at this point, Solo knocks on the door like, uh, hey, sorry I'm late. And she goes, no, fuck off, I'm fucking the clown now. The clown is my man. In a greater sense, Napoleon Solo, it is you who is the clown,

because you were going to have sex with me, and now you can't. Of course, there's any woman who has sex with a man, is a clown. So Solo, at this point, having been told to go away, lets himself in unannounced to this woman's apartment. I don't know what the lighting or the makeup situation was in this scene, but Robert Vaughn doesn't look good.

He looks like he's made of sweaty ham. Yeah, he breaks into her apartment with the most smug expression we see on him in this movie. Yeah, he doesn't look good. He looks like roasted meat. But they kiss, and she's into it. And then Robert Vaughn deflates the clown. No, no, no, hold on, we're gonna back up a bit, because this is a Connery level of non-consent happening here.

He comes into her bedroom, interrupts her and the clown, and is like, okay, I'm gonna kiss you now, and she's like, no. He kisses her, she kisses him back. No. He kisses her, she kisses him back. In this sort of classic 60s, like, it's okay to vitiate a woman's consent, because, like, you know better sort of way. And in front of the clown as well. In front of a clown. In front of a woman's clown?

Robert Vaughan cucks this clown. He does, but he cucks the clown in a way that heavily implies that he is also going to have sex with the clown later. I can't believe he's gonna give us the 009. He goes over to the clown and he's like, sorry old boy, but three's a crowd. What are you doing later? And then deflates the fucking clown. He's gonna fuck the clown later. He's a man of principles, right? He's gonna re-inflate that clown. He's gonna make sure that clown gets off. Fuck that clown.

We didn't see it, but when he cut in on Andrew Falcon in the last film, he sucked Andrew Falcon off. Like, he made sure that the man got off. As is right. As is holy. I can't stress enough to you the fact that from first sight of clown to implication that Solo is gonna fuck clown is three minutes. Minutes 15 through 18 of this movie. And I absorbed a sort of like, psychic- a number

of psychic blows during the course of those minutes that left me reeling. We also see that Thrush are listening through the clown. Through the clown! It's their clown. 009th and 10th. That clown arrived in her apartment that morning and she was like, huh, must be a gift. And just inflated it. And the clown has a

big fucking microphone in it. Like, it's perfect. It's ideal. We see that was it Darius? Yeah, Darius and the man in bandages are listening to this happening they're listening to Solo's

diabolical patter because what Solo says she goes I feel like Italian and he says mmm you don't feel anything like Italian food what? what dude? Mmm. You don't feel anything like Italian food.

What? What did? You come into my house, you deflate my clown. You deflate my clown. You deflate my clown and you try to fuck me. And as you try to fuck me, you say I smell like Italian food. I don't taste like Italian What the fuck is going on? Why did you make us watch

these, Abby? Way of seducing a woman is to pretend that he's had a stroke He just says shit, man You don't smell like toast Yeah, and every time it fucking works he's like, you don't smell like Italian food, you smell like strawberries.

And the best part is... The man in bandages says, can I watch Robert Vaughn fuck, and then Darius is like, nah. Darius' main role in this movie is to preserve Robert Vaughn's privacy, he's like, no, no one's watching him fuck but also the way in which we find out that they're there is so perfect because robert vaughn is doing his diabolical patter of foods this woman smells like doesn't feel like which yeah yeah yeah and we just sort of cut to darius with one eyebrow, listening to this shit and slowly zoom out to reveal

that, like, the guy in the bandages is that. It's perfect. It's fucking great. Listeners, if you ever feel self-conscious about, like, dirty talking somebody, or if you ever just, like, as a lot of people are, just like, oh, I don't know if I'd be very good at, like, saying sexy stuff in the moment to turn someone on, just bear in mind, it can't be worse than this.

When in doubt, okay? This is Rob Vaughan's, it can't be worse than this. When in doubt, okay? This is Rob Vaughan's best way of seducing a woman. When in doubt, give her a list of national foods that she's not like. When the pussy tastes like pierogi. Okay, so Solo comes back. Solo leaves work. Not Solo.

Fuck, fuck. Kuri work. Not Solo. Fuck. Kuriakin. This is the best scene in the fucking movie. I'm still reeling. He's under attack in this moment. He leaves work. He goes out through the flower shop and there are two little toy robots there.

And the toy robots fire a couple of missiles at him. These Argos motherfuckers with blue and red plastic and googly spinning eyes fire missiles at him. Yeah. Which he deflects with a bin lid. With a bin lid. And then he says, the line that you asked me to get this is. No, sorry, hang on a minute.

First of all, he shoots one of them once and it explodes because he takes off his jacket and throws it over it surprisingly ripped under that jacket it is important that you understand how easily these robots are defeated yeah like two seconds apiece one of them isn't even damaged it's just incapacitated and then and then this is unedited this is pure spy with my face here i think someone is sending their christmas presents a little early this year it's like that fairy it's perfect i need you to understand how easy it was to defeat these robots because the very next shot, we cut to Serena, the thrush agent, and she goes, Operation Robot failed?

She doesn't even say Operation Robot. She says Operation Robot, which is my favorite way of pronouncing it. She's so surprised that this failed. She's like, I can't believe Operation Robot has failed. She's like, genuinely? She's like, it failed? I was like, yes, it failed, you fucking idiot. And then fucking Desmond, too, is like, all right, Serena, try another strategy.

And the guy controlling the robots comes see me immediately. And it, like, suits her. And it's just, like, a big guy with a fucking, like, remote-controlled plane. And Serena goes, oh. We never see that guy again. That guy is dead. It's just like a big guy with a fucking like remote control plane and a circle. We never see that guy again. But she says, shall we try another method? And my notes say, how about a fucking gun? You have a man with a gun, you know what he is.

Shoot him. Just like a guy posted up maybe. I don't know. Jesus Christ. Also, listen, these robots are just like about as high as your knee. I posted up maybe, I don't know Why two robots? Jesus Christ Also, listen, these robots are just like about as high as your knee Oh yeah, yeah, maximum

They're toys So having fucked Sandy Sandy gets blown out on this one Yeah, they go out for dinner Turns out she does actually feel like Italian food Dickhead And they're having a chat They go out for dinner, turns out she does actually feel like Italian food. Uh, dickhead. And they're having a chat and it zooms out and sat on the next booth, staring at them, is fucking Joshua Graham again.

Yeah, it's perfect. And everyone is just like, you know, sort of like, not finding this at all suspicious. You can see, like, edges closer. And then Solo gets called away by a phone call for him. Oh, sorry, first of all, he says how was Rome, and she says it was gay. Oh, that's true. She does say that.

It was gay, and it was exciting, and it was very lonely. He gets called to the phone, and there, waiting for him, is Serena. But because he's like, in a white fur shawl. Gorgeous. Looking bricked up.

Yeah. Incredible. And he spins around, and he repeats what I'm now finding. It's his signature move. He puts a gun in her tits. Yeah. Just like in the first movie. He loves to do this.

So don't worry, this is my microfilm gun. He loves to do this! So don't worry, this is my microfilm gun! And then we have this kind of fun line where he like, sort of broadly like, lampshades what always happens to him. He's like, oh, you're gonna try and take me somewhere and then someone's gonna like, whack me over the back of the head and I'll get kidnapped. I'm trying to quit doing that, which is really funny. I've got so much brain damage I keep telling women that it don't feel like Italian food.

Would you believe that this man had been hit in the head a bunch of times? Mmm, you don't feel anything like Italian food. But you know who does feel like Italian food is Robert Vaughan, because Sandy gets jealous and in revenge covers him in spaghetti! She sees him with this beautiful, more attractive, more visibly transgender woman and like, throws a plate of spaghetti over him. Thus giving him a helpfully discoloured suit shoulder, so that we know which one is the real solo, going forward. I also wrote down in the course of this, I think I have 1950s woman dysphoria.

What does that mean? It's like regular gender dysphoria, but for like, women in the 1950s. I also said that she was bricked up like, Urshavet Bathory there, so, just one for the history heads there. So just, uh, one for the history heads there. So she goes, she says, oh, but what about the August affair? And he goes, oh shit, you know about the August affair. I guess I do have to get kidnapped. Uh, I will come back to your apartment with you.

Um, he does that like a little interplay where he tries to get uncle to put like a tracking device on him, but there's nothing really comes of it. So it's not important. Um, he, he goes into her apartment with her. They kiss, for a bit. He showers the spaghetti off of himself. Yeah, cause they're making out, and she's like, you just smell of spaghetti, dude.

Spaghetti's spilling from my box. It's like, mmm, you smell like Italian food. She goes like, you wear it well. She's like, would you like to have a shower? And he's like, if you promise you're not going to attack me. She's like, at least don't kill me when I'm naked and covered in spaghetti.

God, that would be so embarrassing. He takes his gun into the shower and he puts it on the soap dish which is great. And she comes in and she's like, I would like to have sex with you in the shower. I'm not gonna try and kill you. She walks in in gold heels, by the way. Beautiful.

Again, 1950s woman dysphoria. So, they fuck. You can get us some gold heels. They still sell these. It's not the same. It isn't the same. It's more about the sort of, like, um, what's the word?

Phenotype. Anyway. They fuck. In the shower. He then, he then he goes down to the apartment, and what I've written down here is, Napoleon Solo mixes worst martini ever asked to leave uncle.

I have written down every move he makes while he was creating this martini allow me to regale you he's stood at the desk he's got a big bottle of gin on one side and a bottle of vermouth on the other like a mixing glass in the middle with exactly two ice cubes in it

he picks up the gin and pours like half of the bottle into there. It's like five fingers. It's like glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. It takes longer than it reasonably should. And he picks up his vermouth and he puts in around a thimbleful. He inverts that bottle for like 0.1 of a second, does not

stir, and then pours it into two glasses. Pours it unevenly into two glasses as well. He gives her like half the martini. Just shit. This is a scene where your hero mixes a drink to show that he's that suave and cultured, but I think what happened is that

Robert Thorne just doesn't know how to do it, and no one was there to really teach him. I choose to read it as a deliberate send-up of that. I think this is self-aware enough that they're like, let's have him mix a shit martini now for some bit. And he does. He hands her the martini, they sit

on the sofa, and he's like, okay, you gotta tell me about the August affair. And she's like, oh, what's that? It's the door. You gotta go get the door right now. He's like, this is the part where I get kidnapped, isn't it? And it is, but not in the way that he expects. Instead of getting hit over the back of the head, he just gets, like,

gassed through the intercom, I think? Yeah, so his double walks in, and it's just like, uh-huh. And then Serena presses a button. You wouldn't shoot a guy who was also you. You wouldn't shoot a guy who was also you, would you? You wouldn't shoot a spy with your face, would you?

And it goes... And Serena gasses him and he's knocked out. Yeah, Serena gasses him, the head from Art Attack releases a burst of the good weed and it fucking takes him out. He collapses face down into the shag carpet that's so deep you're afraid he might drown. And then the double comes in

with Darius and some goons. The double kisses Serena and she's like, oh, it's not the same. It's not as good. It's the double kisses Serena and Darius looks over at it and for a second he acts like he's mad and then he just goes excellent spot on perfect because the real robert vaughn had lip

fillers and listeners i'm not sure if you're aware of this but if you ever kissed someone who's had lip fillers it feels so good huh yeah yeah it's like really like firm but also soft incredible that's how you can tell a whole new kind of a new kind of self-awareness that I'm not thinking about. So they take him to Switzerland, specifically the part of Switzerland that's in Griffith Park in Los Angeles. More specifically the part of Griffith Park with Griffith Observatory in it, which gets a lot of exterior shots of zooming in, and being like, just outside Zurich, looks like Southern California.

It's perfect. Um, and, uh, he, I love old films that just sort of have the strong stance that trees everywhere are the same. Yes. Yeah. Everywhere is Southern California. Everywhere looks like it. Um, so, so they chain him up for a bit and then he does my favorite thing in this movie, which is every single time he gets a break,

even for a second, he just like makes a break for it. He like tries to run, even in the times where he knows it's not going to work. And so they like unhandcuff him for a second and he makes a break for it. And a beautiful woman knocks him unconscious in such a way that he falls headfirst into her tits, slides down the rest of her body, and then falls unconscious on the floor. The ideal. Which is the dream. The ideal. That's right.

Great first date idea for you. Absolutely. Absolutely. So now we have to catch up with Fake Solo, who is going to infiltrate uncle we see him go in he's not really talking much and he's doing his best to like look sinister there's also there's a nice detail that all the secretaries working for uncle presumably because of what happened in the last film all of them now carry guns which is quite funny yeah yeah i love that they treat the fact that he's just walking past a large amount of women without making any sort of advances inherently suspicious and sinister.

How were the 1960s possibly homophobic? Anyway, so also my favorite thing about this hallway scene is there's a guy walking past who is just carrying a contraption. And to me, that's scene setting. setting something we've missed but i desperately want to mention is that during the scene where napoleon is being like chained up it opens on the line from darius too who goes will the real napoleon solo stand up please and i was like nice nice um yeah so he goes in he meets kuriak and he meets his boss, Mr. Waverly, and they get a briefing, which is, you have to go to Washington D.C., pick up some shit, deliver that shit

to fucking Austria, I think, in order to change the combination of a vault that contains something very secret and very powerful. And the whole time they're like, sort of like, cutting to fake Solo, who is like, hmm, nefarious. Yeah, they've got to go and pick up a briefcase from Washington DC which has the new vault combination in it. And Eli Garroch is like,

what is in this vault? And they're like, we can't tell you yet. We have a big plan. You'll find out later in the film, in the most incredible fucking mind-blowing scene you've ever seen in your life. You'll find out later, but you won't actually really know what it is. Yeah, you'll kind of find out. Still not quite sure.

We also see that Knife Guy... Yeah, because they're sending two other guys with them. They're gonna meet those guys in DC, but then after they leave, we see Kittredge, the alleged Australian, come in. And he makes a fatal error. He tries to do bits with his boss, which you should never do. The only bit you should do with your

boss is pulling a gun on him. That's right. Here's the bit. Since our identity photos don't show you with a beard, Mr. Kittredge, is the beard real? No, sir. Kittredge. Is the beard real? No, sir, it's a fake. I've got the real one in my pocket.

Brutal. If someone hits you with the... Yes. You're fucked. You're done. It's just over for you. There's no way back on that one. I'm sorry no

well M tells Kittredge trail Solo and Kuriak and just make sure nothing happens to them don't talk to them don't interact but just kind of follow them and keep an eye on them and again don't acknowledge Solo as well if he like tries to interact with you he'll understand they fly to Uncle Washington Branch.

Yep. Square windows on the airliners, which is a real throwback, and the flight attendant goes past, Solo takes no notice of her, and Illya gives him this this look that like, because Solo has like passed up an opportunity to sexually harass the flight attendant, this cannot be my boy. It can't be. She wasn't showing an interest in him by the way. It's not like she came by with like, you know, her buttons unbuttoned and was like, would you, is there anything I can get you Mr. Solo?

She's just like normal. She's the woman doing her job. He has a perfectly, he has a perfectly normal interaction with the flight attendant, which is to not look at her. And Ilya's like, something's fucking up here. Something's going on. Yeah. Which is perfect.

So they fly to DC. They meet the two other agents. One of them is from Sicily, and the other one is Liberian. agents. One of them is from Sicily, and the other one is Liberian. And we get another little shade of 60s progressivism,

where this is totally unremarkable. It was good. Also, it occasions one of the funniest moments in the film, where the Liberian agent comes in and the Italian guy says, Oh, what's your name? And he tells him. And he says, Oh, yeah, I worked with your brother. How's your brother?

Cut into just like an extreme close-up of the Liberian guy who just goes, my brother is dead. No one says shit. And then they all just move on. No one says shit. What the fuck? Like, the delivery is incredible and the reaction of everyone else in the room is just like, beat, beat.

So this is our mission. We're going to... What the fuck? Great. reaction of everyone else in the room is just like beat beat so this is our mission we're gonna great i quite firmly believe no one says anything to a liberian guy from that point on also i've only met your husband a couple of times alice um and only briefly but i my notes say that this guy kind of looks a little bit like chris he's got the same kind of a little bit sort of height same like like soft features he's quite charming in the same way and so i did just call him chris for the whole for the whole notes completely kill my husband yeah yeah that spoilers uh so they take what is one gotta be one of my favorite items in the universe of items a briefcase with a pair of

handcuffs attached to it so you handcuff it to your wrist. Love that shit. This is how I would carry around everything, if I could. Just day to day. You can do that. And I might! I might start doing that. You can buy gold heels. The whole world is

opening up. It's a weird ensemble, I'll tell you that. The gold heels and the handcuffed briefcase. Weird, but powerful. Yeah, if anyone wants to ask you about it, no one's gonna confront you about this. Well, if I'm going through airport security with my gold heels, my handcuffed briefcase, my gun... It's alright, it's a microphone gun.

Yeah, don't worry. So, they pick up this briefcase, they get on the plane to take it to Austria or Switzerland or whatever the fuck. The Alps, I'll just say. And on the plane, they're doing some spy work, some spy paperwork together, not sure what the fuck that is, and the flight attendant comes by, and it's Sandy. And Fake Solo, first of all, has no way of recognising her, and second of all is gay. Because he never saw the video of them fucking!

Exactly. This is why you have to let your employees spy on their targets, fucking. Darius is like, fuck this. But he doesn't recognise her, and so he doesn't interact, he's just like, oh, can I have a coffee please? He's fucking like, Robberhorn, fuck that clown!'s just like, Oh, can I have a coffee, please? He's fucking like, Rubberhorn, fuck that clown! He's like, oh, can I have some coffee, please? Which is a weird tact to take.

Ma-Ma wanted the klussie! Like Darius in the fucking fake solo listening, and it's just like a series of squeaks. The solo takes a little bit of a... Can I watch this? Sorry, a sec. If you last saw your boyfriend, I'd be like, can I watch this? Sorry, a sec. Go back and do this, you miserable pervert. If you last saw your boyfriend having sex with your inflatable clown, and then the next time you see him, he's just quite brusque with you,

and he's like, okay, I'll just have a coffee, please, stewardess. I think you'd be within your rights to be hurt, right? Yeah. And Sandy is hurt, partly because of this and partly because she's crazy. I'm going to talk about how this fucking movie thinks about women. And so she's very offended. She goes back to the galley where there's another flight attendant. And we have a very interesting little scene where this other flight attendant is just like, well, maybe he's married.

Sometimes they forget that they're married. And it's a very interesting sort of scene about womanhood of the time, in a way that doesn't pass the Bechdel test, if you know what I mean. It's like, this is an interesting vignette, and then she kind of makes him his coffee, and she puts her smile back on, and she goes back out. But because she's crazy, she spills the hot coffee all over his dick and balls that's right um but he uses this disadvantage because he uses it as an excuse to go into the bathroom

and like photograph the contents of the case yeah there's a whole intrigue here with like a guy switching the case and this this leads to a scene like, he's in the bathroom doing the shit and like, all of his- Such a long case. Well, that's the other thing, it's like, I hate when I'm in the bathroom and my boys are outside timing me to make sure there's nothing suspicious going on in there. This is like social anxiety shit. But they are, because they can't be out of sight of the case. It's like going for a piss that your boy General Urubov is like, I am timing you.

Horrific. I'm always fighting for my life in the toilet, man, I can't be having someone outside of a stopwatch, I'd lose it. You can't be, like, gone for a period of time? No, no thank you. Because boys have separation anxiety that's true it's true it's true but also in in the process of photographing the contents of the case a loose button falls off his jacket and ends up inside the case we will this becomes important later yeah so so he he brings the case back and then on the way out kittredge the australian sees him and he goes because he's overheard

the stewardess talking about how, oh, it's almost like he didn't recognise me. It's almost like he's a different person. Kittredge, like, puts it together instantly in his mind, and he's like, oh, it was cool being with you in Australia when I got shot in the right shoulder.

And because he's seen the video of this, the doubler's able to be like oh no you weren't you had a knife in the left shoulder and Kittredge is instantly like instantly soothed this is my boy Kittredge knew at the time that he was on camera

when that happened he's like this is my boy and as you do when you meet your boy on an airline you offer him dankest fucking ganja you possibly can put together yeah smoking on a plane man like smoking on a plane i've been saying for a long time that we need to invent the cigarette that's good for you i've been saying this so much this cigarette is even worse for you than usual yeah well this is the thing this is the cousin of the cigarette that's good

for you, this is the cigarette that kills you instantly, which I would hate to smoke. There's one of those in the world at any one time. And Kittredge, having OCD when I was a smoker was fucking atrocious, because I'd be like, oh, there's one of those in every pack, and it's random every time. So Kittredge,idge like he smokes the cigarette that kills you instantly and is killed instantly and collapses back in his seat cyanide!

but just in case the audience can't put it together he goes cyanide! I remember you must have seen me on the video camera and that's how you knew about that and then collapses the cigarette that kills you instantly and then collapses it's black like I collapses the cigarette that kills you instantly and then collapses it's black

I love the cigarette that kills you instantly because this was from the days when cigarette companies were still deliberately and knowingly covering up the fact that their product causes cancer we don't get a line which is just like filthy habit or like those things will kill you

we don't get that line that you would these days but the fact that they're like that's so ironic cigarettes are normally so good for you it's done the opposite of soothing his t-zone yeah it's getting killed by the cigarette getting killed by the cigarette that kills you is like it's like getting killed

by like muesli to them they're like what the fuck holy shit it's the muesli that kills you instantly holy shit the muesli that kills you instantly the muesli that kills you instantly so Kuriakin sees the guy dead and is like oh he must have been a thrush agent right and fakes it I was like yep

yeah instantly stone fucking cold Kuriakin is just like, alright, beautiful, I'm gonna plant a little card in his wallet that says he's a diabetic. So then we can be like, must have died of being a diabetic, fucking sucks all. LOL. He was a diabetic. A death sentence.

And the thing is, later on, as they're getting off the plane, when they find the body, Kyriakon inserts himself into the scene as the nearest man, and he just goes through the guy's pockets doesn't check his pulse or anything because that's gay shit he just goes through his pockets and he goes he was a diabetic i have that exact same job the stings are so fucking good also i love the way elia flirts with the with the stewardess where she's like oh what are you doing he says i pretend to be a businessman

but secretly i'm a russian spy and she goes oh yeah he's got better game than solo does well he immediately wins the brian cox memorial award in intelligence um of course but then she turns it around on him by saying oh yeah when i'm not awardess, I'm like a linebacker for the Chicago Bears. Like, it's quite cute. Yeah, and he goes, do you think that a linebacker for the Chicago Bears or a Russian spy could maybe fall in love? Could they have a drink together?

That's a good one. A quirked up Russian spy. Just for the one time? Do you think it would be possible to let a quirked up Russian spy hit just once? Go on, sorry. Meanwhile, back at Griffith Observatory. I'm sorry.

You may be asking yourself at this point, is the real Napoleon Solo getting pussy at this time? And the answer is sort of. Yeah. Yeah. I would've thought you'd really enjoy this scene, Alice, because he's first handcuffed down, and then he's massaged by an aggressive blonde lady. Called Nina, who I wrote down, hello. I also appreciate that once again, he makes an attempt to break for it.

Yeah. Solo's work tip number two is, if you're held captive, any time the handcuffs come off, for a second, you make a break for it. Every single time. You can't because you're fast enough! Lure them into a full sense of insecurity. Just go. All the time. At any time you feel the slightest amount of slack on your handcuffs, just fucking immediately make for the exit. If you find yourself in restraints, what you're going to want to do is start thrashing wildly against them at any time yeah any moment all the time maintain

k-fave the entire time and then the second you never habituate yourself to capture always try to escape never play it cool never try try and put on a facade, just go. Every time. But so... But so Nina's giving him this aggressive massage, he steals one of her hairpins by trying to smell her hair, which is... Normal.

Biden-esque. Danger. Also, something else I noticed. Whenever Solo's about to say some shit, like whenever he's about to go a bit off-piste, he opens Bob Hope by saying, I tell ya. And he does this with Nina a couple of times. He's like, I tell ya, your hair smells amazing. I tell ya, my latissimus dorsi is a little bit tense, or whatever.

And meanwhile, we see, through a peephole, that a guard is watching them. And this is when we get the, Go about your duties, you miserable pervert. Line, as Darius pushes him away, then also like immediately takes over and starts watching yeah and like like not even like subtly like his hands are like pressed against this thing he's so into it yeah it's perfect he's like a jealous voyeur then then we get sorry the best scene of the entire film because so the lads the fake double double and the lads, they rock up to this hillside bunker with the case

to deliver it. And at this point, listeners, the film is like kind of dragging a little bit because there's a little bit of intrigue with like cases being swapped and combinations and we're shown every detail of that. And at this point, I'm kind of like sitting back in my chair like, yeah, okay, it's still in the case. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they deliver it

to this lady who runs the vault who the case, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they deliver it to this lady, who runs the vault, who just goes, aliens are real! Yeah! She doesn't open with that. She opens with, first we're gonna need you to dress like a slightly different kind of dipshit. Everyone put on these big goggles and these coveralls. Then she

gets them down into the vault and she's like, right, aliens are real. We've been intercepting transmissions from beyond the stars that show that we could, one day, be assaulted by aliens. And so as a response... And I've written down, huh? My note is...

I'm out of left turn at this point, like, we're two thirds of the way in and they've just dropped aliens. All caps, double underlined, spy-fy, let's go. But the thing is, all the agents just react to this like, yeah, of course, yeah. I was like, huh. Not once do any of them go, what? It's like, yeah, why wouldn't we develop the anti-alien weapon? And the anti-alien weapon is like a kind of electromagnetic

gamma ray yeah it's not actually even specified what this is so the thing in the vault is called Project Earth Save first of all great name and that's the kind of anti-alien ultimate weapon we never really find out exactly what it is, the lady running the vault

says that it would literally nullify all nuclear weapons on Earth if it was ever used, and it's like, what? She has an insanely hard line here, too, because she says, don't take off the fucking glasses, the goggles, or else, because if you look

at that shit in the vault, it's like the wish grant, you're going to want to go in the vault, and you're not coming back out of the vault. Why did she open the vault, you're gonna- it's like the wish grant, you're gonna want to go in the vault, and you're not coming back out of the vault. And she says, Why- why does she open the vault then? Yeah, and then she just for no reason opens the vault. She's like, don't look at this thing I'm about to reveal!

Check this out! And she says, you can't save- you can't save a man who no longer exists. Which is insanely hard. They open the case, and then the Liberian agent, Chris, my husband, sees the button in there, puts two and two together, and Fake Solo just knocks the goggles off his head, instantly causing him to look in the vault

and being like, it's time to go in the vault. Yeah, he's beguiled. It's time to go in the vault. Uh-huh. And he goes in the vault. It's time to go in the vault. Uh-huh. And he goes in the vault. There's that light pouring out of the door and weird visual effects. It's like the Ark of the Covenant. Yeah, it's actually pretty cool, honestly, because obviously this was like a...

It's a good conceit. It's cool if I knew what the fuck it was. How does that help? How does that help deny aliens? Whatever. Because the aliens would also want to get in the vault. Yeah, the aliens would be like, yo, shit, is that a vault? You have to get down there, like... Yeah, whatever. Because the aliens would also want to get in the vault. Yeah, the aliens would be like, yo, shit, is that a vault?

You have to get down there, like, you know, whatever. Just a sign that's like, check out this vault. The aliens are like, oh, yo. Let's go, do not wear goggles. I love to meet all of my normal human friends at vaults. Don't bring goggles.

This will work. 100% this will work 100% this will work this forestalls the entire invasion golden record all humans love to go to vault and look in yeah the keys to our entire planet are within vault I'm mentally capitalizing this every time and I hope you are too

oh yeah of course it's in like small caps did you see that when the lads get back to the hotel the kind of ski lodge hotel afterwards they are like kind of fucked up by this because they're like oh we were gonna go hiking but everyone's just like yeah I just saw Alice's husband get devoured by a vault yeah it's fucked up

he's in the vault now aliens are real I'm just gonna take that off I appreciate that the Sicilian agent's just like, you know what, man? I'm probably gonna have a lie down. Don't really feel up to it right now. I'm on some like, sort of outside context problem shit right now, dude.

I did not expect a Diorvanic session this morning, I'm not happy about this. Yeah, I'm sort of questioning whether that guy is separable from the vault now. Yeah, but- So meanwhile- That guy's in the vault, but don't worry about it. He doesn't even exist, you can't save him. He's like, of the vault. He's gone. Oh, that's true.

So meanwhile back at Griffith Observatory, we get a sort of a horrible scene that I really don't like. Solo's eating dinner, which is like, fucked looking mashed potatoes, and he takes a light bulb out of the light fixture, breaks it, and puts broken glass in his food! This is a real thing for me, I thought we were done with this after Jack Ryan. I... Mmm. This is a real thing for me, I thought we were done with this after Jack Ryan. I... mmm. But so, because the guy is spying on him, presumably hoping he's gonna fuck something

else, he's like, you can't be having broken glass in your food, cause that's bad for you. What did he think he was gonna do with the broken glass? Well, we see, because he sees the guy spy on him, it makes the guy go, oh, I'll just take the other lightbulb out of this light-fitting. What did the guy think on him, it makes the guy go, oh, I'll just take the other light bulb out of this light fixing. But the guy, what did the guy think he was gonna do with this? Kill himself? Probably some sort of suicide attempt, I'd imagine.

I don't particularly know. I dunno, if I was being locked in a cell and given all my food and regular pussy I probably wouldn't kill myself, but whatever. Yeah, regular Swedish masseuse pussy. So he takes the other light fixture and he like That's pretty irregular. Swedish masseuse pussy, actually. It's a non-congruent Swedish masseuse pussy.

It's like, have you got any clowns? Yo, what's a Swedish pussy like in a vault? Some sponsored visitation with the clown. No, not the fucking, we're not doing outside context pussy. We can't do that. Clown, clown, clownicalown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown-clown never never remove your pussies and goggles friend of mine one time tried to make a pussy about his welding goggles on he's he's inseparable from the pussy now it's it's impossible to know

he's gone he's out of here you can't don't touch him he't touch him, he'll drag you in with him! The fall is the worst- the fall is such a fucking insane thing to drop in the middle of a episode. And they just leave it there! It's just gone! Yeah! Sick! This is in the eighth episode of the series. Just by the way, aliens are real. Don't worry about it, though. We'll beat them with this! Continue on with your spy shit. Just by the way, aliens are real, don't worry about it though. We'll beat them with this! Continue on with your spy shit.

Yeah, you can just do that, it doesn't matter, you know aliens are real, we'll get them with the vault. Don't worry about it. It's a solved problem. As soon as he's left in the dark, Solo escapes using the hairpin that he took out of Inga's hair or whatever, and then activates the escape vent that they've helpfully put in his cell. There's like a grate on either end of these and neither of them are like, secured to anything,

by anything, so he just lifts it off and gets in. He climbs up into the dome of Griffith's Observatory, where Darius is there, and Darius is like, ah, we're gonna fight, but I've triggered the auto-destruct clock. And I love the auto-destruct clock. It's fantastic. The auto-destruct for the whole base is

one button. Darius has some sort of self-esteem problems, because he's like, ah, I see Napoleon Solo's in the room, it's time to kill myself and everyone around me. But the button... the process to destroy your entire base is one button, and it's just like, on the wall. This thing is- It's not even a button, it's a clock! It's a wall clock!

And it also cannot be deactivated, so this thing is like, easier to activate than a fucking fire alarm! Like, why is it one button? They're just like, now we're all fucked. Like, put it behind glass, dude. Like two keys, anything. Yeah, like a password maybe? Any of the classic methods, but no. But fortunately there is an easy counteract.

Yeah, there is an easy way around it. Which is the solo just like moves the hands of the clock to delay it. Why wouldn't you tape it down? Which conjures the delightful scenario that somebody accidentally knocked it a week ago and then the agents of Thrasher have to keep remembering. Every 30 minutes, someone has to move the clock back to 30 minutes. Close that time. Thrasher, don't work there. move the clock back to 30 minutes. Oh, close that time! Oh! So...

Thrush, don't work there. Don't work for Thrush. No, don't work there. Terrible hedge racing. They've got the boiling piss, they've got the fucking... They've got... Oh dear. Oh dear. So Solo kills Darius, he escapes onto the roof of Griffith Observatory. It's cool that

they got to film on the real thing. I stop the clock at 1 hour 10 minutes and 31 seconds from start to first Uncle Chop between the shoulder blades. Yeah, perfect, he takes out a guard. As he like, as he takes out a guard. Yeah, Uncle Chop. Gorgeous. Yep.

He steals some like, incredibly plastic looking grenades, and then as the base blows up he escapes into that famous Swiss-Austrian chaparral of Los Angeles County. The classic mountain chaparral. That's right. Meanwhile, Ilya is still like, he's on a date with his air hostess. The stewardess, yeah. And we get a joke which I think is making fun of racist jokes, which is, again, sort of, like, curiously progressive, where she asks him what he thinks of Americans,

and he goes, I find them very charming, but I wouldn't want my sister to marry one. I still like it. Yeah, I thought that was pretty good. I really like Ilya in this. I find him very charming. Even McCallum's a better actor than Robert Vaughn yeah it's also quite cute that she's just like I'm so horny

please fuck me and he's like do you want to talk about art or literature or like Russian culture 60s woman dysphoria 60s woman dysphoria you could wear the gold heels you could walk into every social interaction with Dick Inside Me When, and that was just, it was, yeah, perfect, incredible.

Yo, I brought this clown... That's right. CIA clowns. He's interrupted... Fuck, I can't believe I didn't think to use that. They're interrupted by a phone call from Uncle, from M, who tells Kuriakim, oh hey, that diabetic guy, he was one of us. He was an Australian uncle. You worked with him! You worked with this man! You managed it!

You were in that scene! You were in the first scene! You were there when he got the knife thrown at him, you were there! Yeah. Yeah. So... I'm pretty sure. the knife thrown at him, you were there!" Yeah. Yeah. So, Illya has forgotten this, doesn't matter. And he puts together, okay, this is in fact not my boy, Solo is fake Solo, and he has the combinations to the safe that contains Project Earth Save now. And also Chris! That's right.

He's the vault he he walks into the the sauna where fake solo uh is trying to kiss uh serena serena yeah serena but she's serena he's not serena's on some turf shit she's on some turf shit what she says is the ingenious plastic surgery of thrash can make a sow's ear look like a silk purse but it will never feel like a silk purse it's a medically created napoleon solo and it's not the same as like a biological she's like i'm not interested in your fucking your axe wound your fucking your exogenous hormones napoleon. Yeah, she's not happy with the quality of his, like, neo-vagina, or whatever.

I mean, they are right, you can't tell the difference. We're better. He's got the customer holstery. Yeah. And if you ever take the goggles off looking into one, you're never coming back. Yeah, that's true.

And Ilya, Ilya fails the most basic test, the thing that Solo fails all the time. He goes, wait a second, you're not the real Solo, gets hit over the back of the head. Yeah, his line is pretty good, though. He does hit the fake Solo in the balls first, which is funny. That's true. And he's like, his balls would never be like this. Nah, he goes in, he's just like, uh, that guy was a fucking Uncle Agent, hey,

pal, or some shit like that. And then fake Napoleon's like, nah, you're not interrupting anything, we're actually just leaving, and in his line is, he would have had more self-warfare than to leave. Which I found to be quite charming. He knows his boy! So we get another heat-based torture, as they lock him in the sauna in a full suit. Yeah, it's kinda weird, this is the second movie in a row where they try and steam an Uncle agent to death.

A third cooked agent, I think, I'm calling it, steamed in the first one, the librarian guy gets microwaved. And this guy is just in an induction cooker. Yeah, exactly. They lock him in the thing,

they put a big out-of-order sign on there, turn the heat all the way up, but he is able to call for help by kicking the bench with his dress shoes well enough that his flight attendant sees him and releases him. At this point, real Solo is on his way there, he's got a convenient bandage over his eyebrows so we know he's real Solo. Fake Solo and Serena are gonna go and kill him. They keep in a line

that Robert Vaughn fucks up where he says, like, we're gonna have to get to have to line, and they just leave it in. And then he says, so the plan is, okay, we're gonna go and kill the real Napoleon Solo, chuck him and Sandy off a cliff, and then you'll

be the victim of amnesia. Okay, great. Great plan. Sounds good, man. It's all going really well for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trying his best, yeah. So they do intercept Solo with Kuriak and, like, giving

chase. Yeah, I've written angrily rides a motorbike at 20 miles an hour Yeah They shoot out the tyres of the motorbike And then real solo and fake solo fight But we don't get the scene that I expected The whole movie of which one do I shoot

Because Serena just fucking stands there Kicking her heels Not helping at all She just watches this fight the same way that a lot of the audience She's like yeah She puts her hair behind her ears. Doesn't seem particularly bothered. She's watching a brutal fight for death with a level of interest approaching, like seeing an interestingly shaped cloud, just being like, oh wow.

And then ultimately she shoots Fake Solo, Evil Solo, who goes over the edge of the cliff. And at this point, I'm like, did his dick turn her good? Because James Bond's done that before, but usually the women are at least briefly conflicted. But as we find out afterwards, as he's sort of debriefing her, it's much more mercenary than that, and I actually like this a lot. She's like, no, this was a fuck-up from start to finish. If I'm the only survivor, it's not my fuck-up,

it's the dead guy. You're gonna let me go, because I saved your life, and you're a good guy. And I'm not. So I can just keep doing whatever. And it's genuinely quite good. It's smart. I like it. It's Machiavellian. Also, Sandy is there, and we see that

we get a, like, oh, am I the real Solo thing? And we find out that he is the real Solo, because he kisses Sandy, and she's into it, because of the lip fillers or whatever. And in a perfect, perfect line, Ilya just describes Vosch. When an attractive woman passes, he responds automatically. Go about your duties, you miserable pervert. That was brutal, Alice. Can we keep that in? I think we can. Fucking keep it in.

Yeah, yeah. When an attractive woman passes, he responds automatically. And that's the fucking movie. That's the spy with my face. As Robert Vaughn is making out with Sandy my face in the background a clown slowly inflates um genuinely like i would say what passes for quite a sweet ending in the 60s although to be fair the reason why it's sweet is because uh both men involved received their reward pussy but like yes that's what i say for what passes for it in the 60s. But like, eh! I dunno. I don't know anymore.

Serena gets to be like a sort of like, competent rival, and she gets to have agency sort of, like, not wholly based on sex appeal. On the other hand, like, I can't... Mostly. Yeah, I can't stress enough the extent to which this movie goes with like, by the way, Sandy is crazy. Yeah. Cause she's like, boy crazy.

And this is just like a normal thing. Cause women be like that. And it's like, only some of us. Uh. What does the spy with my face say about masculinity, do we think? What if there was two of you I mean I'm still reading from the aliens thing personally

yeah what if there was aliens that's a fucking that says a lot about masculinity as if it was aliens it does say quietly it says if hey if you and the boys are out in the 60s it's okay if one of you is black that's true weirdly progressive for the era.

He will die. He'll be the only one who does. But, you know. Yeah, but being black is sort of morally equivalent to being Sicilian. Right? Which, for 1965,

is progressive. I put that on the quotes page. Yeah, I put that on the quotes page. This is also something that old northern Italians believe, but in the opposite direction. Um, fuckin', we have a science-based... We do have a science-based writing system. ...on this podcast, it's called The Scum System. How smarmy is this movie

and why is it 9 out of 7? I don't think it's as smarmy as last time. It's not. What is it? The thing about it is that real Napoleon doesn't actually get that much screen time. And he's the

smarmiest member. That's true. On the other hand, the argument for the prosecution You don't feel anything like Italian food. I don't think that's smarm, that's just a man's dying brain. He's so smarmy he tries to fuck an inflatable clown on instinct. Who among us? I'm leaving that one. I'm leaving that one on the ground I'm afraid me amongst us I've never fucked

an inflatable clown I've fucked some clowns in my time let me tell you oh yeah some clowns in my I've never fucked an inflatable clown I'll put that I'm willing to put that on the record yeah I ignore about it

so I'm willing to put that on the record. Yeah, I ignore about it. So... four? Five? Last time was five. If you think it's less, four. But... yeah, four. Fine. Yeah, four's fine.

Cultural insensitivity. It's not much, but it's out of seven, so it is over half. Cultural insensitivity? Um... relatively low, like, the only... like... it does say that the Alps are indistinguishable from Southern California, which I suppose is kind of like American parochialism to the extreme, which I quite like. I think that's just limitations of the form. Yeah, but there's bits of California that look like the Alps.

You could drive there, but you didn't want to drive like an hour. There is one person of colour named Person of Colour in the cast, and he is the guy who dies. That's true. Yes. It's not great. I'm not saying it's good, it did very much come out in the late 60s Not in the late mid 65

I mean compare this to a Bond movie Of the time I would say if anything Yeah yeah yeah I think it's about the same Unprovoked violence Probably slightly higher than last time Because they do kill people this time

Including the driver at the start, who was unarmed. He kills that guy for bottoming. I mean, that's if nothing, automophobia. Yeah, but that under cultural incest, actually. Yeah, that driver at the start was an old man and he didn't have a gun. Okay, yeah, that's a significant infraction, I'll go ahead and say it. Killed an old man. I could do, like, three?

Yeah, I'm happy for that. And misogyny. Last time was eight. I think it's less bad, but it's still pretty fucking bad. Again, I think it's better than a comparable Bond movie. On the other hand, it is a sort of running, harmless gag that Solo will just sort of sexually harass for life's sake.

Yeah. Like he's a known danger. Yeah, exactly. Plus he does sexually assault a woman on camera. And then sort of like... Yeah, no. It's high. I want to say...

It's got to be at least a 7, right? Last time was 8. It's more or less misogynistic than last time. Hard to... I think it might be more. I think it might be more because of the assault on camera, you're right. Okay. I think it's a 9.

Yeah, let's give it a 9. In that case, that gives a total score of 19, which is worse than last time. And it's starting to get towards the higher end of things. Equivalent to Diamonds Are Forever, if you're keeping track of the corners. Oh, wow. And From Russia With Love.

That's deep Connery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God. It's kind of interestingly paralleling that's quite interesting that we had 17 and then 19 which was

Dr. No one from Russia with love so if we're on track if it's also following the same scores that the Bond franchise did next time will be

the man from Uncle's Goldfinger and it'll be really bad but we shall see I don't know what the next one's called the next one is

called One Spy Too Many isn't that the plot of this one? One Spy Too Many One Spy Too Many and then after that we have one of our spies is missing, the spy in the green hat, the karate killers

the helicopter spies and how to steal the world we have a great deal of work ahead of us helicopter spies and how to steal the world so we have a great deal of work ahead of us helicopter spies that's right what are we doing for our next bonus episode I believe you have the choice equilibrium

a movie about taking your hormones so join us for that it is free because we're doing free bonus episodes over the winter but we have a Patreon, you can subscribe to it if you do have a spare cash and you wanna send us some, we appreciate it very much. It only remains for us to...

Well, it's time for us to... To look into the vault! ...remove our goggles and look into the vault. Fucking our clowns. Yeah, that's right. And we will see you in the vault where all future episodes will be recorded from. Normal human beings love to go to the vault.

The vault. The vault. Vault. Vault. Vault. Vault. Thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond. I've got to stop saying yet another at the start of these.

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