Upstream - S2E14: One Spy Too Many

Episode Date: December 7, 2022

Napoleon Solo faces off against his most dangerous foe yet: A guy who thinks he's gonna become like Alexander the Great and rule the world if he breaks all of the ten commandments. Like five steps in ...this guy's plan is the '?????' step. He's truly just doing shit and having fun with it. ------ THE WINTER OF CONTENT The UCU has a fighting fund that you can contribute to here: https://www.ucu.org.uk/fightingfund If you do feel you have money to spare, please consider supporting your local food banks with money or time! donate to the Trussell Trust here: https://www.trusselltrust.org/make-a-donation/ or the Independent food aid network here: https://www.foodaidnetwork.org.uk/donate There are several ongoing strike funds that could do with some donations, and several can be found here: https://www.cwu.org/ Additionally, please consider joining a renter's union like ACORN, as rising mortgage rates will surely result in rising rent, here: https://www.acorntheunion.org.uk/join ------ Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------   *WEB DESIGN ALERT*  Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/   Kill James Bond is hosted by Alice Caldwell-Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com and https://twitter.com/killjamesbond  

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Starting point is 00:00:00 We're going to show you the heritage of the ancient cultures of the Mediterranean. Long welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. I am Alex Corvall, Hello, hello. And we are going to show you the ancient cultures of the Mediterranean. Oh boy. So the prism through the lens of the third man from Uncle Movie, one spy too many. All of these movies have the same name. This point I'm fully Uncle Pilled. I'm completely on board. The shit.
Starting point is 00:00:43 I'm going to be a little bit more honest. I'm going to be a little bit more honest. man from Uncle movie, one spy, two many. All of these movies have the same name. This point I'm fully Uncle Pilled. I'm completely on board. This shit is fantastic. Yes, I thought you were spurt. Although I was in it. This one is disappointingly sensible. So you're saying that? I really liked it. I really liked it. The two of us saw this before Dev. Dev you saw it last. And each of us sort of rewatched it, we each put a message in the group chat that was like, this is the movie that is going to make Dev fall in love with Man from Uncle.
Starting point is 00:01:14 And I'm pleased that we were right about that. The movie is completely uncold filled with me. From start to three quarter mark, it's just absolutely perfection. And it sort of loses steam a bit, but then it lands at the end. So I should say that the movie begins with a guy. It presents a fella to us. Guy, yeah.
Starting point is 00:01:37 A fella. Do you all talk about this fella that we started the movie? Absolutely. So this is this is Pavis. I don't have David Shiner. And what he's got is a horrid little mustache and a unibrow. The horrid little mustache, really sort of bears talking about because it's like perfect
Starting point is 00:01:55 for right angles. It's like two sort of elves and it's been shaved very exactly. It's very dramatic. It looks like absolute ass. He's really dramatic. It looks like absolute ads. He's really gold. Really. He's like silver age Lex Luthor. He's like a sort of like right wing Englishman on Twissus. He's bald at a level beyond baldness. And this bald, moustache horrible man is is driving a van to fort winning New Jersey, a US military base. Whereupon he sort of enters by virtue of some solid snake shit.
Starting point is 00:02:35 We see him get out of the van and like blowtorch the gate open with a sort of a faintly maniacal expression. And the the soul of the face of this is so good. It's so alienating. It's so funny that it's just like, great, yes, I am on board for whatever this movie throws at me for the next two hours. Please. 100% and the VV intro, they finally like they they've nailed what the feeling of a man from Uncle Inter sequence should be because it's not weird. Well, sorry, that's a complete lie.
Starting point is 00:03:11 It's weird, but it's not shit, which is what I meant. Yes. The wind-fast motion. Yeah. It's just a guy breaking into a US Army base, which is patrolled by like, I think like five guys. Yeah, it's very, very low stakes because again, one of the other things that's going to come off about this movie is that they had a budget of five dollars. And so, much like the previous movie, where where Southern California was like the Austrian Alps, in this case Southern California is
Starting point is 00:03:43 like everywhere, but it's also Greece, which makes a bit more sense, climatically. But yeah, they have five guys, they have five extras, they have one Jeep, which we'll come back to because part of these enters the base and is chased by a Jeep with two like military policemen. He throws little, he throws little smoke bombs of red gas at them, which is like knock out gas, which is so cute. Smoking on that loud, it's fantastic. But then also, so he throws a couple,
Starting point is 00:04:11 and I'm like, okay, we're back to uncle rules, if you don't kill people, you knock them out. He uses the little knock out bombs on a couple of guys, and then just fucking shoots another one, and I'm like, oh, okay. Oh, yes. Guess you run out of this. He's got a limited number of us, man,
Starting point is 00:04:24 it's not his fault He was going for the no kill run for the points, but then he was like now fuck it Let me say if I have the right drop for this because I will be referring to this drop a lot This happens to like every character to be at least one of the spatter. Yes, it's a game. It's loud. It's genuinely a very, very recurring thing. So he incapacitates the guards, kills one of them.
Starting point is 00:04:53 And then we see the target that he is aiming for. Yeah, we get led into top secret laboratory, which is like, again, it's just a shipping container really. And the guy goes observe dog cube. He doesn't even talk about it first. He doesn't mention a dog cube at all. There's a dog in a Perspex cube. The dog is like growling and then he introduces the dog cube with a perfect sentence.
Starting point is 00:05:22 Biological and chemical warfare has been getting a bloody nose in the world, Chris. Well, I think we're going to change all that. I wrote that down for a bit when my notes just like, first line this guy has this biological chemical warfare gets a pretty bad rap. So good. So good. At this point, we realized something about the mountain mountal firms which is that they love a secret gas.
Starting point is 00:05:46 They love a gas. They love to have a secret weapon gas. We do. They love that gas. Because it's really easy to represent on screen. It's just get a smoke machine or some fucking dry ice and you're like, air goes secret weapon. So the US Army has developed what they call will gas,
Starting point is 00:06:05 which you introduce it to an enemy and your enemy loses their desire to win. It like feminizes them and makes them soy. It's like, it's the gay bomb. It's aerosolized estrogen. And they gas this dog with the will gas and it becomes like docile and calm. And then I regularly, it makes a dog,
Starting point is 00:06:21 it makes a dog like docile and obedient. And unfortunately, this then sort of in a captain trip style situation leaked into the general population. And that's why there's puppy girls now. Yeah, that's true. Any two-inventer gas to someone who's the will to podcast.
Starting point is 00:06:36 Why do you think you have any of that? It's right in listeners. Yeah, let's not. Kind of a lot of different gases will do that to you, I think. But so. I guess technically, yeah. Yeah, that's kind of a lot of different gases will do that to you, I think. But so, yeah, that is the high-spirited version, not wrong. That's a long list. So he's explaining this to a selection of guys, right? Revisagement.
Starting point is 00:06:59 Yeah, like check out our dog gas, which is something that the US Army 100% does, invites three business guys to check out our dog gas, which is something that the US Army 100% does. It's three business guys. Check out our dog, you. Just like, I love to work for the US Army and invite like three guys and suits around. But like, we've invented a new gas. Check this shit out. Who got like normal Osborne, the Chinese guy from the dark night. It's like a sorted kind of corporate villains just here.
Starting point is 00:07:26 Norman was like, just like, ass! And so Povie shows up at the gate of the bacteria logic or the biological warfare center. The sentry walks up to him and he just shoves him over. Yeah, this is really good. The sky goes down so easy. This guy's got a condition, right? We're just bumping very slightly on the head. He's out. Why did they let him be the century at the Biological Warfare Center? You get shoved once and is just instantly
Starting point is 00:07:56 incapacitated. There's an Uncle Chop, which I the time from start to first Uncle Chop in this movie, a mere five minutes 23 seconds. It wasn't even an uncle going to do it. Like somehow they've got that strategy, they've got their tactics. Yeah. He opens the gate, disables the alarm, and then the back of the van he's driving opens, and it emits some more force-femalization. This is a different gas.
Starting point is 00:08:23 This is a different gas. This is the first kind of gas that we see The first was the red knockout gas then it was the will gas now. He's got a third kind of gas We are five minutes in I think it's just tear gas and a third Then we find out we find out that he has both of these gases prepared in order to steal He has both of these gases prepared in order to steal a third gas. He came with two gases in order to get another gas. This is a very gas-nice ice. I got to be honest with something.
Starting point is 00:08:53 One of the guys who's being shown the dog cube sort of makes his excuses and steals a bunch of the dog pacification gas, like, by siphoning it off into gas canisters in his briefcase. He does this. Yeah, and by the time he leaves, the guy driving the van at the star, which is like baby blue, it's very sweet. Just like, he's nowhere to be seen and this guy comes out and the army guy like bundles It's fellow into a car and it's just like please don't tell the papers that we fucked up
Starting point is 00:09:32 Like Consent of the dog cube classified information This is mine who steals the gas and then This is a man who steals the gas and then gets away with the driver of the van. It's our villain for the film. It's played by none of them. Rift torn. Who is so young, I didn't recognize him. One of the greatest names of all time. I love to see, I think.
Starting point is 00:10:00 Pretty certain. Is he cancelled? Is he cancelled? Almost certainly. I mean, he was working in the 60s. But I think he. Pretty certain. Is he canceled? Is he canceled? Almost certainly. I mean, he was working in the 60s. But like, I think he's canceled, not in the 60s way that you might expect. I think he's canceled because he kept pistol whipping people.
Starting point is 00:10:14 Like, I think he genuinely like leaves to threaten his coasters with a knife. Oh, that's not good. A strange, strange man. So look, he's dead. He's dead. So is he dead? Oh, okay. He gay. Strange, strange man. So look at his dad. In this, he's so, is he dead? Okay. He's been canceled by time. Yeah, okay.
Starting point is 00:10:29 In this film, he's young and he looks exactly like Hugo Weaving. He really does, yeah. Yeah. It's like uncanny. But he opens gas number four, which is carbon dioxide and solution, aka champagne. And because he's like, ah, we've completed our crime and I somehow will vaguely take over the world with this.
Starting point is 00:10:50 Champagne after the mission, like an absolute bond. I mean, I thought it was non-svibe when Bond does it, but like, when this guy, Mr. Alexander pulls it off, it is pretty good. At least he waits till after the mission is succeeded. Bond would be drunk on the mission, which is pretty good. At least he waits till after the mission has succeeded. Bond would be drunk on the mission, which is not good. And we get what this fella's thing is because his name is Mr Alexander and he manages to have in the first couple of lines of his. She obviously has the guy on the side of the screen.
Starting point is 00:11:19 And all of his letters from. Yeah. We also see that he's left a calling card in the gas lab, which is a kind of stone tablet that's got the number eight carved into it. Yeah, that's really no way. So, on the case, we go to our sort of file photo shot of New York looking like absolute shit. Every time they do this like establishing shot of New York, I'm like, oh my god. Every time they do the starvation shot of any city, it's always a still photo, which isn't really noticeable until much later
Starting point is 00:11:50 in the film where they cut to Washington DC and there's like none of the cars in the street are fucking moving. Wait, it's just a still photo. It's a famous DC traffic. And entering the movie in this huge boat of a convertible once again Napoleon solo in Ilya Kuria. The boys sick.
Starting point is 00:12:10 The boys arrive. Rolling up in a fucking edsel. So we also see that the sign outside is a flower shop but inside it is still the Taylor. It's yeah, they're pressing flowers, you know, like you take your flowers and you press from in the big press. Yeah, don't be fucking efficient. I'll say that. Only sells pressed flowers. This is they go in as usual, get their security Doritos as usual. They've changed the shape and the color of the security Doritos are in between
Starting point is 00:12:44 as usual, they've changed the shape and the color of the security deraise are in between movies here, which I don't care for. And Mr Alexander like briefs them on the theft of that life. Wavily, wavily briefs them on Mr Alexander. Oh fuck yeah. Wavily. Wavily. We're like, like, somebody stole the gas. I'm just going to call him M because otherwise he's like, boy, somebody's stolen some gas. It's probably M because otherwise he's M. He's like, boy, somebody's still in some gas. It's probably Mr. Alexander because he's the villain of the film. And he's not this tablet.
Starting point is 00:13:12 So, so, Eliak Kuryak and figure out the dealers with this tablet, solo, find Mr. Alexander and get this fucking gas back. This man is a big star. My favorite detail about this scene, oh. Yeah, my favorite detail about this scene. Yeah, my favorite detail about this scene is that he hands the tablet to Kuryakhan by spinning the entire conference. Yes, so sick.
Starting point is 00:13:33 That's funny. But the problem is it clearly doesn't have a break on it or anything. And so the whole rest of the scene you notice that the table is like slightly rotating. Awesome. We're not really fucking stupid idea in a meeting room because now everyone's got everyone else's coffee. Like, stupid idea in a rules. You're trying to write your notes in any pressure, it's just gently rotating the fucking
Starting point is 00:14:00 table. Like, oh, for fuck's sake. Sort of like an added sort of like test to rising stuff in this me sing. Yeah, so so Kuriakhan has to go to Greece because they think that there's a professor and Athens who will know something about the mysterious tablet. And Solo has to investigate Alexander, but first he has to do some sexual harassment. So he enters the, I guess, code room. The room where like they control all of the radio transmission. He goes to see money, and he gets the sort of like expression and body language, like
Starting point is 00:14:37 he's unwrapping a delicious little treat here. Because there's a new, there's a new woman for him to sexually harass a woman whose name he does not know. This is my, this is so good like the entire way through this. This is so good. Yeah, she's a lot of fun. Yeah, because she sexually harasses him back. Yeah, I kind of wish that what happens to her at the end didn't happen because I think it would be better if it didn't but she she's kind of like Taking the piss out of him silence. She's that and because he's forgotten her name She's like you haven't forgotten that date have you and he's like no No, I haven't she's like good. Okay. Well, I hope we'll be back in time. We'll go on this date
Starting point is 00:15:17 And then we see we see still look about and chat to Eileen. He's like who the fuck is she like do you know her name? And he's like, who the fuck is she? Like, do you know her name? And he's like, ooh. I think Eileen is like, you know, I'm not helping you out of this for the sort of end time, yeah, which I quite like because a bit of character building. So Solo goes to track down Alexander. He's like been given his hotel room, like the address of his hotel.
Starting point is 00:15:50 So he goes there just in time to almost literally bump into Parvies, sort of like moving a shitload of luggage for him. And then- Including a briefcase, which we think maybe might contain the gas. That's right. Mm-hmm. And then a second woman strikes the movie. To where fucking rules too, this is... Yeah, it's not just a story.
Starting point is 00:16:07 It's just showing for women in this song. Yeah, Dorothy has been playing Tracy Alexander here. Just start to finish fantastic. And she is in like a fan for tell. Sort of like a fan for tell. This is Mrs. Alexander Alexander's wife. Indeed Alexander's wife. And she is like in the window of the shop
Starting point is 00:16:25 pretending to be a mannequin, just sort of for fun. How's he doing? Hi, yeah. There's a bit. It's a classic like screw wall comedy. This is Genshin. Cool. Yeah, she rushes out, perhaps the briefcase
Starting point is 00:16:38 and if I can book sit down the, down a street. Yeah, she also uses a push a guy over Jutsu. It's just strong. It's like telling the roundabout. Yeah, it's just like one hand full force push in the middle of the chest and then run. And that gets you through anything. And anything that that can't handle, you clear up with the Uncle Chop. That's right.
Starting point is 00:17:04 Those are the light and heavy attacks in the Uncle verse respectively. The Uncle verse. But so, so, so, so low chases. Well, not so different from our own. Except, right. Psychic powers are real and the Vault also is. Aliens and alien chess. Aliens, yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:22 It's like the three different gases that make you want to stop. Yeah, I was gonna say, this movie doesn't reveal the existence of anything as major as the previous two reveal. But it's really more grounded. No, I don't think it's a more grounded aliens thing. Yeah, I don't talk about the aliens, but I don't get a scene where Napoleon's sort of is like, I think psychic powers are real. It's one of my favorites, He's one of the first one.
Starting point is 00:17:47 So, Solo Chaz is her into an office building. He pulls his gun and enters a room. He kicks the door in and everybody there is like three or four people. They're all staring at him. And in the first scene that actually made me like solar. And this is another problem with this movie. I'm gonna get to. He like sort of gingerly walks across and says in an almost techy way, I have an appointment and then kicks the sack and door. This is the first film where I've been like, okay, this guy's actually quite charming and funny. Like, he's the first movie he was just adorable, dude. Like, Robert Vaughan was checked out, but now I'm like, oh, OK, I see why people like this.
Starting point is 00:18:28 Yeah, this is good. And the thing about this, though, is the dialogue's too good. It's getting too good in this movie, compared to the previous two. And now I'm just earnestly enjoying it, which is sort of a problem for me doing the podcast. You know, there's not a lot to make fun of here because it's just genuinely quite well written. No, there's actually an immense amount, I wouldn't worry.
Starting point is 00:18:52 Yeah, it's a massive amount of, yeah. So, sort of first, into this office, and Mrs. Alexander is there with this guy who we later learned as her lawyer, and they're about to open the briefcase and say, no, don't open it, it's full of gas. And then they open it and it's just got documents in it. Because she's trying to divorce him.
Starting point is 00:19:07 She's trying to serve him papers. Good. It's just a really good setup. It's cute. And they also, they end up having, they do this in front of Solo, and he just like, you could tell he's so awkward. He's just done that like,
Starting point is 00:19:19 I'm not like that. I'm like, um, because they've assumed that it works for Alexander just trying to get the briefcase back. Because Alexander has taken her inheritance, her million dollars, which in another great line, she gets asked later, does the million dollars really mean that much to you? And she says, well, when it's the only million dollars you have, so he has to reveal that he works for a secret. Immediately wins the brand cocks
Starting point is 00:19:49 with more of the world than the challenge. And Tracy doesn't know who Uncle Larr. She's like, oh, it's my favorite charity. I'm all tapped out. Why does he spell it like this? UNC, L, E. I mean, it gave me a really clear drop of L. What's your coming hair, Mr. Bond? He's just desperately trying to like, obfuscate, but it's called Uncle.
Starting point is 00:20:11 Yeah, because then the lawyer. The lawyer immediately says, oh, the secret organization. Yeah, the secret organization apart from two lawyers who all know about it. Yeah, so God, why not? So, so it's like, okay, where's Alexander going? Well, he's leaving the country now. Do you know where he's going? Where's he going? She's like, I don't really know. He's probably going to Greece. Um, but can I come with you if you're going to track him down? I was so I was like, no.
Starting point is 00:20:37 The other thing about this is the way that Robert Vaughan is holding the, because he's still holding the gun, but he's gotten bored now. He's not in like fight mode. He's in conversation mode. And so he starts holding the gun loosely, which I would describe as being sort of by three fingers, one of which is in the trigger guard pointed at his own. Yeah, it's incredibly fucked. Like he, he's sort of like, muzzle-sweets, everyone in the room, including himself. Like at different times in that conversation. He's like, he's never held a gun, but he's not quite sure what it does. It's sort of like, he's holding like a champagne flute that you don't really,
Starting point is 00:21:15 like you, you have a place in the other hand and you're not quite sure what to do with it. It's really precarious. And I really enjoy that. But so, you know, he goes, no, it's too dangerous. You can't come to Greece for this. Meanwhile. Well, he leaves the building, and we see that Tracy follows him and, like, in a taxi.
Starting point is 00:21:35 Also, outside, there is a protest going on in the street. Yeah, there is. There's a packet. There's just, like, an unremarked upon part of the sceneries of 60s New York York is just like five guys Wandering around in the circle with big signs that say unfair and I'm like, yeah, nothing else No other do you know and all the signs just say unfair? Just unfair and full caps. Yeah, it's it's great Yeah, I think you if you should organize your next picket like this no details no union affiliation
Starting point is 00:22:02 Just you and four friends with placards saying unfair, and you just walked out there. Next year at Trans Pride, just come with us, we'll know it's you. If you want to signal to us, just come with us. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah. This is something I realized the other day is that I was on a train back from a thing and
Starting point is 00:22:23 I was with a bunch of trans people. And then one trans girl just said to the other, now listen here 007, I started doing like a cute thing. I just want to say this is I fucking love that we have made James Bond a trans in joke. That's so good. Yeah, awesome Daniel Craig in the sort of most recent stuff, but sort of photos. Yeah, but like when was the last time you saw a picket and like a movie that wasn't about labor? Exactly. Like fucking never.
Starting point is 00:22:52 What it's just being an unremarked upon part of the background is again, it's that the weirdly progressive aspects of the Uncle's shit is hitting thing again. So let me get an affin's and we get this great scene between Kuryakun and this professor, which I really love, the archaeologist. Yeah, Kuryakun and professor Warren Zeeven, I don't remember his name, who is sort of setting up being sinister. And there's a couple of ways we know that he's sinister. One of them is that he says, the universities forced me out because of my social theories.
Starting point is 00:23:27 Which I feel like that is a drop is going to have some long life ahead of it. Yeah, so I took this scene as like him having identified that Kuryakhin is Russian, which at the time would have meant Soviet, of course. I took this as the professor saying, I'm a Marxist and that's why I got kicked out. Hey, you're Russian. Do you want to talk about Marxism? Like, and then he has this great line because he really doesn't really learn anything. He gives him the tablet and he's like, cool. I'll look into it.
Starting point is 00:23:51 And as he's leaving this professor tries to engage him in conversation about Marxism again, by saying, what do you think of the human condition? And Elyah replies, I'm in favor of it. And he leaves. Again, great dialogue. It's really good. like, it's good comedy writing in there. Um, yeah. Um, so. Solo, meanwhile, is on the plane and he calls, he calls New York, um, to be like,
Starting point is 00:24:17 Hey, I'm on the plane. I'm going to Greece. Traces on the plane, too, she's following me and he still doesn't know the name of the girl that he's speaking to. And she's like, you haven't forgotten about our other date, have you? That we were going to like drive to the mountains. But he's too, she's following me and he still doesn't know the name of the girl that he's speaking to. She's like, you haven't forgotten about our other date, have you? That we were going to like drive to the mountains. She's like, she's, she's, she's, toying with him so badly. Also, she is fully like topless at this point because she's just been under a heat lamp, sort of like getting a tan at this point. They keep doing this at the Uncle Office. It's just like turning on the side of, like, while they're a work, while manning the switchboard.
Starting point is 00:24:48 1960s woman dysphoria once again strikes me. She's hot as fuck, her eyeliner's like. Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. So Solo gets her to play in, and I'm expecting immediately the guy gets followed through the airport scene, the OSS Sunday Saturday, but the movie goes in a slightly different direction with it. Solo leaves, we see Tracy trying to catch up to him,
Starting point is 00:25:11 and then she has to hide in case, in case, you know, he's seen her, and immediately a goon pulls a gun in the airport, a thing that you could do back then, and just immediately tries to accost. Yeah, no, he's even a leap of the coin. He can just do that. In the airport, and he takes a cigarette of his mouth,
Starting point is 00:25:31 throws it on the ground, and then pulls the gun out, and I'm like, you could do anything in the airport in the 1960s. You could do whatever the fuck you want. Also, barely looks like an airport, it looks like someone's front room. Like, it's just such a... I love how the low budget the set is,
Starting point is 00:25:46 and my favorite detail of this is coming up because Solo goes to baggage claim where he meets Ilya, and the funniest fucking thing is the way that they've built the like, the luggage carousel. Yeah, I didn't know whether this was a budget thing or whether that's just what they look like back then. That's a budget thing.
Starting point is 00:26:03 So the bags come down onto the conveyor belt by virtue of like a slide, except the slide is way too sticky. Come down so fast. It doesn't have like a conveyor belt on it. It's just like a plain wooden ramp that's clearly been built by a set carpenter. And so clearly off screen, there's a couple of guys hurling suitcases down every few seconds. And it's like, they don't even really try to conceal it like in the mixing or anything.
Starting point is 00:26:37 So solo meets Kuryak and their dialogue is just occasionally interrupted by one of these suitcases coming in at a stratospheric velocity. And just make you like a shwom noise. It's pie it out of the plate. Once again, I've said in this country the baggage handlers are on strike in in Greece, the baggage handler strike. So what are the dodging suitcases? Tracey escapes from her pursuers who now include Poveries
Starting point is 00:27:10 into the most studio back lot looking studio back lot. Yeah, that's very funny. Where she hides on a forklift full of luggage and gets unceremoniously deposited down the fog. fog left fog left it. Oh, she gets fog left. She gets fog left. And then thrown down the sort of near vertical slide. Yeah, and then a really like fun comedic aspect.
Starting point is 00:27:39 She doesn't like to try to get off the luggage carousel at all. Like, garbage is just there and it's like, I don't know, it's probably mine. And just like pulls her off of it. Yeah, she says this piece of baggage belongs to me, which is like, oh, oh. So there's like one misogyny point by itself. And then they take her to meet Mr. Alexander, who's just like, I'm weird, but I forgive you.
Starting point is 00:28:04 And she's like, can I get a divorce and get my money back? He's like, yes, you can. But what I want you to do is- That's not as one condition, though. I'm hosting a party tonight. There's this like prince and princess who are gonna come. The princess is fucking mad for my dick. And I need you to be the hostess
Starting point is 00:28:22 and like be to play the role of my wife Otherwise the prince is gonna be like super jealous. Yeah, keep her jealous husband off of me She's like I would like my million pounds Back and to be divorced from you and he in the entire time he's talking like fucking insane He's just like yeah, oh it's like you will do this for me though. I have a I have a one condition more of a favor The whole time he has like on a condition The whole time he has like both hands out over a burning brazier. Yeah, he's like roasting marshmallows on a brazier Bathrobe putting and like roasting marshmallows over a brazier it's like dudes rock One point. He like tries to hand one of the marshmallows over to Tracy.
Starting point is 00:29:07 And she like clearly tries to just take it, but it's been roasted too recently. So she just pulls like the outer layer off. And then it cuts to she's got the whole thing. The marshmallow gag is genuinely one of my favorite ones in the movie. What is this? It's just it's just absurd. Right, we've got this big thing. Yeah, so like Temple of Doom style, Bratia, and for most of the scene, he's just warbing his hands on it. And then, as she starts to try and negotiate with him, he just
Starting point is 00:29:35 starts toasting marshmallows on it, totally unremarked. Like that's a really funny. I'd love to have one marshmallow in the middle of the day. He's just like, yeah, okay, I'll divorce you and give you a million pounds. As long as you distract the prince of unnamed nation, so that I can fuck his wife, she goes, yes. Yeah, all right. I suppose I'll do that for you then. So we go to the party, solo and Kuryakana also attendings. So, solo is that? So, give Kuryakana the advice to just like try not to interact with Tracy. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:30:15 He like avoid her like one sentence per word. Doesn't work. And of course he does not the immediately cartons onto him. And you know, begin sort of shmoosing. Solo makes his way upstairs. We get another gag of him like entering women's spaces where he like walks in in the wrong bedroom. We just hear a scream and he like backs out now.
Starting point is 00:30:39 Right. Really. He sees, he sees Mr. Alexander's fuck room, which is something. This is so funny. I think this is what's so normal. He goes into this room and there's a massive great, like, you know, for post-a-bed. It's got a big embroidered seven on the headboard. Unremarked one.
Starting point is 00:31:00 Don't even worry about that. It's normal. It's just like a list of things. So let's just look at this four button read out and it goes music and you press this one button and it just starts the 70s fuck music from the Queen's Johnson. It's just like lights, it presses the second one and the lights dim. Yeah, it's got like covered lights, yeah. The third one is like, rain, because I imagine this,
Starting point is 00:31:27 because the sound of rain on the window makes you feel cozier and better. He presses that and it just kind of sounds like someone's turned a hose on nearby. And then the four guys, someone has, the four guys, is like, Aphrodisiac mist and he looks different second, he's just like, I think I'll take his word on that one.
Starting point is 00:31:44 And I'm just like, it's more gas. It's his word on that one. And I just like, it's more gas. This guy loves gas. And that's the gas. It's man has had four gas. It's at least involved. It is, but. And so, as the ex- No one has lost gas is this much since Robert fucking boil.
Starting point is 00:32:01 I don't know how to think of half of these. A man of a, like, a state of matter, but this man is like an earnest fan of reality. Yeah, the man of next film was really into solids. Philan's are. Yeah, he runs straight into power of his. And he immediately pretends to be drunk. This is great. I love this.
Starting point is 00:32:18 Not more than that. Pretends to be drunk and gay. Yeah, I'll stay put. And so he gets him to walk him down stairs and then. Yeah, I'll sleep with it. And so he gets him to like walk him down to as and then he says, what is either the gayest, most flirtatious thing you could put in a movie in the 60s or also a thing Donald Trump would say without thinking. Namely. Call me. I want you a good look here. I like you. It's really good. Just just just drunk acting is like really funny. He's really good looking guy. Like calling.
Starting point is 00:32:47 It's just so cute. And then a second after letting him go, Puffie, is just like, wait a second, I know this can't remove your office. Yeah, I'll also be still in my gun. Like, in order to get away from this, Solo is forced into a contrived game of human chess. Yeah, because most of all, it's not like that he wants to flex his huge brain muscle.
Starting point is 00:33:10 So he's like, he makes his guests dressed up as chess pieces and he's like, who will challenge me in this game of like life-size human chess? And of course, he's at the princess that he wants to fuck. He's like, you know, would he be the queen? And she's like, yes, I would. In regards to the highlights. Like, meek-n-o-testing. Yeah. In regards to the... It's like, meek real texting.
Starting point is 00:33:25 Yeah. In regards to that last... Don and Nicole, there's the princess. Hello. Hello. Hello. Are you not American? I don't think.
Starting point is 00:33:34 You Nanomus. Hello. If not sure if she's American, I'm making an exception. Hello. Yeah, it's like, it's like, Prince Got Talent, where we all have like, the big button that puts her next up when it's to her's a big tick. And we're just like, yep. talent where we all have like the big button that puts it next up, but instead it's a big tick. We're just like, yep. Just says a whole thing of us just like,
Starting point is 00:33:49 hello, hello. That's right. Also, if I sell remarkably well, but the whole like human-sized chesafare is insanely boring, the party is ground to a fucking halt, so this guy could be like, Yeah, yeah, the party is ground to a fucking halt so this guy could be like Antide intellectual But so low so low self challenge. Mm-hmm. He does he does and he he puts him in check and then Alexander says Possibly the funniest thing you can say about a game of chess He accuses solo of bluffing Nothing in chess. What? I never want to fuck this slide. Like, you're in check.
Starting point is 00:34:29 No, I'm not. You can't call me on this. You can't. You're in check. You are. Someone just checking. You are still in check. Just because you say the word check in poker doesn't mean this is the same game.
Starting point is 00:34:47 I just I guess maybe because I'm coming off of having seen glass onion, right? I think this is a purposeful and very funny way of explaining that Alexander is a fucking idiot. So good. I really like it. And of course he loses the chess game because he, you know, captures the Queen, the Solo's going to sacrifice, he calls his bluff and immediately gets checkmated and is sort of like sissing their fuming. We get a sort of played completely straight.
Starting point is 00:35:21 Ah, congratulations, Mr. Bond, kill him. Yeah, yeah, because Solo wins a dance with the princess, which is of course what Mr Alexander wanted, and she's down outrageous for the winner of chess. But then Pavice comes over to Mr Alexander, and Pavice's opening line is, how do you want him killed? Which is, I want my friends to say this to me, was someone wrong, Mr. But that's a good sort of like... You do in fact do this, yeah, it's great. This is career advice, right? Try and anticipate your boss's expectations and you tailor your response accordingly.
Starting point is 00:35:52 You position yourself as a problem solver, you take the initiative, this is good advice. If you want a promotion at work, don't go to your boss and be like, what do you want me to do, boss? Go, how do you want me to kill this guy? That management secrets of the ancient memento. That's right, my own coach.
Starting point is 00:36:10 That's management secrets of Devon, man. I'm fricking approach happy at the protest couple of days ago about a specific guy. And I was like, anyone I'm killed. But yeah, the prince comes over to Solo and does and just like don't make don't make eyes at my wife and Solo like pulls a gun on him. Oh, yeah, it's like James Hong dude. It's like, it's like James Hong dude.
Starting point is 00:36:38 Really? Yeah, you're like James Hong. It's so fun. It's so like, it's so like pulls a gun on him. It's so fun. It's so low. Like, calls a gun on him. It's like, you're lucky I'm too busy to fuck your wife right now. He fully does save us to him. Yeah. She is into this, by the way.
Starting point is 00:36:53 This man is just probably going out of his pocket. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, it wasn't the husband. And he's like, if I didn't have so much stuff to do, I'd fuck your wife. And she's like, damn, nice. Yeah, she's cool, really? Like, oh, shit.
Starting point is 00:37:05 Yeah. James. Meanwhile, Mr Alexander has left. And Elia and Solo go backstage to try and find him. And all they find is Tracy, who's lamenting that he's burned the divorce papers and fucked off. And they're like, where's he gone, where's he gone? And she's like, I won't tell you unless you take me with you.
Starting point is 00:37:23 I got a really good line. Yeah, she has a line quarter tier, which is this. Stop thinking of your own selfish interest instead of thinking of my selfish interest. Now I want my million dollars back from Alexander. I just, it's great. First of all, thank you, Superactive. Mm-hmm.
Starting point is 00:37:39 Yeah, yeah. And she really like holds out on them. And this leads to her second great line of that scene. It's mostly just like collection of good Tracy lines is episode because her line is I'm not about blackmail, it's part of my charm. She's really good. She's so good in this movie. I love her as a character, girlboss shit. And so she does successfully blackmail Kuriaq andolo into like her coming with them to next location,
Starting point is 00:38:07 which is a Southern California rock quarry. Yeah. My first note is just like, Mr. Alexander's a fuck freak. Like, because father is coming in in the helicopter and he's like, sorry, I'm a little bit late, Mr. Alexander, I had to refuel the helicopter. And Alexander is apoplepic about this shit. He's like, there was a war one time that was lost because guys were late,
Starting point is 00:38:32 and Bob is just response, that's true, Mr. Alexander. Which is a great management for your weird boss. Yeah, manage expectations. You know, this, Bob is would have, you know, Elon Musk needs a guy like this, right? He does. He needs someone around him who's like, that's, that's so true, you know? You're right, sir. That's absolutely correct. Anyway. So, so they infiltrate the rock quarry by virtue of Kuryak in Metal Gear Solid stealthing behind a guard and then knocking him out in. This is really funny because the worst-sold punch
Starting point is 00:39:06 by either party. We kind of see how Solo and Kuryak could work together, which is that Solo provides the distraction and that Yulia does the work. So Solo drives up to the front gate with Tracy in the back and is like, hey, I tell you, my wife wants to see a rock, why? Bitch, why?
Starting point is 00:39:22 Yeah, you go let me in. She's not going to give me any piece of meanwhile that Yulia actually sneaks behind the guard and knocks him out. And then Solo just goes,, why? Yeah, you go let me in. She's not going to give me any piece of me while you actually sneaks behind the garden, knocks him out. And then that solo just goes, you're very sneaky, you know that? Ah! In the 60s, you can get in anywhere by being like, please, I hate my wife.
Starting point is 00:39:36 The thing is, I really appreciate it. It's like Tracy also gets in on the picture. Yeah, yeah. Like, so let's just like, oh, I'm not going to hear the end of it. I've known that my wife see this quarry and like, she's leaning out of the window like, oh, I'm not gonna hear the end of it. I've known that my wife see this quarry and like she's leaning out of the window. She goes, I'm just like this.
Starting point is 00:39:48 I think this is making me realize that like, the recent James Bond as a film series doesn't really work, it's because he always works alone. So he has to be both solo and career acting. He has to both be the guy who goes with people that says, I'm a spy. Have you done any crimes?
Starting point is 00:40:03 Like he has to do the solo distraction stuff, but he needs a Kuriakin to actually, like, sneak backstage and do the shit. Yeah, you're right. Your rhymes off as such a dickhead is because he has to talk to himself. He has to deliver the, you're quite sneaky, you know, that like, to himself about himself. And so the result is the, Dana, Dana spinning 007 low. And then you should never get, like, a moment where like, like, Solo and Kuriakin, they're like, tease each other. Or they're like, like, you know, you're pretty sneaky, you know, like, spinning 007 low. And then you should never get a moment where like, like, Solo and Kuryak and they're like,
Starting point is 00:40:26 tease each other or they're like, oh, he's like, you know, you're pretty sneaky, you know, like, we see that this is their job and they work together as a team and Bond never has that. Yeah, yeah. So closest he gets is lighter and even that is just, it's not the same.
Starting point is 00:40:38 Well, weirdly, I think the closest he got was with, tomorrow never dies. Oh, yeah. Shit, you're not wrong. Yeah. Sort of brief double act. But anyway, so they enter the rock quarry. The budget of this movie runs to 10 seconds of helicopter
Starting point is 00:40:53 footage and one Jeep. So we get the same 10 seconds of helicopter footage and then the same Jeep, but like slightly repainted, shows up with some guards trying to chase. Elia hangs out of the window with a Tommy guards. Chases them. Try and chase. Ealyah hangs out of the window with a Tommy gun. It's fucking sick. Uh-huh.
Starting point is 00:41:09 It is. You know, the gun technique and the St. Tyre scene is fucking incredible. It's awesome. It's marvelous. It's wonderful. Because eventually, after a while, they like get bored of driving away and Kuryak
Starting point is 00:41:20 and essentially goes to solo, hey, you want to do some cool shit right now? And solo parks the car. They're curi-huck is lying literally. He just looks over someone's like, do I make a stand? I need me to homie like this. I love a curi-huck. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:41:37 So that's the car. They get they get out of the car. They walk around the car out of cover and then having assembled little submachine guns out of their regular guns stand together next to each other and do some perfect 1960s shooting. They don't know, they don't like cover behind the gun, they just stand up right next to each other. Let me explain what they've got here. They've got a long barrel and a stock and a big scope on their normal pistol.
Starting point is 00:42:07 And they're holding it at waist height. They're looking through the scopes. And then shooting it by pushing it forwards a bit and then pulling it back to weight. At no point looking down the scope, looking using the eye and sight, anything like that. Just the sort of like the classic like bang, bang, bang, technique.
Starting point is 00:42:24 Great. It's so, it's so, it so it's so it's flawless is what it is. Mm hmm. I love cinema. I love movies, man. Yeah. But the quarry is kind of a dead end. Yeah, because Mr Alexander's gotten away by the time I even get anywhere. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:37 We get another establishing shot of New York City, which is this is the one they use twice. And it's the grossest fucking photo I've ever seen. Yeah. Yeah. So the cool New York and then the girl on the other end of the phone is yanking his chain again about like, well I know you're not going to be in time for a drive to the mountains but like you know do you want to go to the you haven't forgotten about you promise to stay me out to dinner or whatever. He's like no I haven't forgotten how to buy the beach I think maybe. Yeah, she is gaslighting him. She's gaslighting you in the gaslighting.
Starting point is 00:43:02 And then also she like he calls her, he's like open-challengey and then she's like, oh, Mr. Solo, I appreciate it. I'm not gonna get to our date, but you're still gonna go for our weekend beach ride and he goes, yeah, definitely. And then she's like, right, anyway, here's your boss who's just been on the line the entire time.
Starting point is 00:43:20 And I was like, wait, you was just waiting? They arranged the date in the conference call and I'm just like, I'm making the like one minute sign my boss is just like, well I go, okay, so when are you going to fuck me? There is actually a new university explanation for this video, which is my phone. I didn't get it, so this is how it's like.
Starting point is 00:43:42 Yes, there is and it's worse. You don't get it until the end with the entire time and for all I'm just like, this one is ruining this one's life. So I'm like, nobody. So I'm Professor Warren Zeven. And Professor Warren Zeven is like, yeah, it's fucking good. This is the sigil of the tomb of Spiro, sort of a neglected Greek god.
Starting point is 00:44:00 It's at next location. Of course, you couldn't possibly take you with you. It's not a real god. I's at next location. Of course, you couldn't possibly take you with you because I'm not a real God. I kind of look at stuff. Not sure. I kind of think this is made up. That's very strange. He's a award-winning archaeologist, so I don't see why he would make that up. He goes, but you couldn't take me with you because I'm too old and I'm physically disabled. I walk with a physically disabled. That's right. Of course, Koryak and his like,
Starting point is 00:44:30 you're my cross made of legs. Yes, yes. Koryak and his like, no, of course, you can definitely come with us because we're, you know, we're the good guys. We're not in the versus of ableism here. The movie is, but we're not even fielded, expedient ableism, which to be honest is just a fine. It's quite nice actually that he says, I know, I don't, I don't need to slow you down. And, and uh, uh, Curry Arkin is the one who stops and says, on the contrary, Professor,
Starting point is 00:44:54 your presence would be great help to us. He's like genuinely fine. And he's so nice. And so lovely. Just I love that fucking guy so much. Also, we, we find out how he got the injury in the first place because he says in an earlier scene, it's like, yeah, I was pretty promising like student athlete and then I blew my knee out playing fucking lacrosse or some shit. And Kuryakin is like, oh, I'm sorry. It's like it's a nice sort of like humanizing moment for them both. Good. So they go to an ex location, which is this tomb on an island. There's no budget anymore.
Starting point is 00:45:29 I'm afraid. It's a room. So they go to this tomb room. And, Like what I really appreciate about this, I'm sorry to go back very slightly, but the establishing shot for the professors scene is a shot of like the Eves of the British Museum.
Starting point is 00:45:44 They've got the sort of got the statues in there and they play some Mediterranean music over it. I don't know. Maybe they just didn't realize that that was saying in London. It's very strange. The amount, it's like they cut to a establishing shot of London and played like the We Are in the Far East music. Yeah. Also, every time some Greek shit happens in this movie, they play pretty much the same sort of like guitar question,
Starting point is 00:46:11 Mark Riff. And I wrote down at one point, the sort of the music is beginning to feel a little insulting at this point. Yeah, and on that same note, the professor says, oh, there's Booby Traps in this tomb that were built to ensnare infidel, so I'm like, I feel like you've mashed together some cultures here that maybe... Especially in the Ottoman tomb.
Starting point is 00:46:32 Yeah, that's what could be, yeah, yeah, true. I guess it could have been just like literally a scientific term in the 60s, I suppose. Yeah, yeah, why have been... Does your illness, or what? He's not part of the majority religion, but to our modern year, it does sound very... Also, especially to this specific... This is too much to a god who I'm pretty sure wasn't a real god. Yes, it's like, I think you kind of made this up.
Starting point is 00:46:53 I think it's pretty bad, I'll just be honest. I do appreciate it here, though. It's not on the level of the vault, but what is? But this is a hard turn for the movie, right? To be like, this is a spy movie to now be in sort of, it's Tomb Raider. Yeah. Act.
Starting point is 00:47:08 And they do some Tomb Raiding. We do get some Tomb Raiding. They raid some tombs. They keep stepping on things that like make the walls move. And they get ensnared in a complex web of traps. Just me and the group, do you have DM. Which ultimately ends in solo getting like separated from his friends and dumped out into a tomb hallway where Mr. Alexander does the fucking haunted funhouse scaramanga thing.
Starting point is 00:47:39 He does, he just jokership. He's like, this three of him and more or two of them are a mirror. He's like, you may have won our previous game, brackets chess, but you're going to fail at this game. Brackets being lost in ancient tomb about that kind. Yeah. It's time for a second. More metaphorical game of chess. The chess of the tomb. In many ways, Miss Solo, we've been engaged in the game of chess from the very start. And in a very literal way, we were engaged in the game of chess that one time.
Starting point is 00:48:08 Which you were bluffing in, but I haven't even stopped my sleeve for chess. He stores a whole lot of chess. Checkmate, you in one move, Miss Solo. And the one move. No, not chess. No, he had no idea. Instead of chess, he bought the Queen's Gambit Netflix board game of chess. He's just been playing the Queen's Gambit board game. That's just such a fucking funny concept. He's got a real one. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's a a real thing Netflix sold a Queen's Gambit Queen's Gambit the board game Which it's just
Starting point is 00:48:48 I know where it's not even So the box it's not just and anyway, uh this leads to solo eventually finds them and they're all tied up The most disulfur, like insulting bondage. Free us them just in time for Professor Warren Ziven to like stick his like a cane in his ribs and be like, ah, I was evil after all because I was physically disabled. But it's quite fun because Mr. Alexander says,
Starting point is 00:49:20 if you turn around, you'll find that Mr. Kavon has a gun pointed at your back, Mr. Seller. And Seller goes, I'm sure he does, but I took the liberty in the corridor of removing the firing pin. Which is so cool. And then we learn what Mr. Alexander's deal is. Because Seller is like, oh, these numbers, like the eight, the seven above the bed, there was a five on the wall of the tunnel earlier on.
Starting point is 00:49:42 You're breaking all the 10 commandments on you. Like, you know, you're coveting your neighbor's wife, the princess, you know, and you stole the gas, that's, that's, you know, don't steal. And Mr. Alexander's like, yes, exactly right. I will break all the 10 commandments, and then I will question Mark, rule the world. Yeah, because I'll be like Alexander the Great, but better. Yeah. Because not bisexual. Riton looks kind of bored at this point. Yeah, I mean, he's still selling it.
Starting point is 00:50:12 He's still doing a good job, but it's very much. He's still looking at it, but it's on discount. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, she even says, one point he says, I will break all the tank of mammoths, and then I will rule the world. It's going to be a fascinating experience. I gotta be honest, I'm looking at a tank of amateurs here.
Starting point is 00:50:26 I reckon I could whip through like half of these in a solid afternoon. I mean, one of them is like don't have a name of a Lord in vain. Very easy, honor your mother and father, very easy. Shalk bare false witness against your neighbor. Could be a little harder, probably figure it out. How did he dishonor his parents? Is how I want to know.
Starting point is 00:50:45 Also, I shall have no other choice. I'm just kidding. I don't know about that. When Solo realizes that K-1 is evil and pulls the firing pin from his gun, there's something else that he does, which is he realizes that he's physically disabled because he's a criminal. He says later on, yeah, he had that limp
Starting point is 00:51:06 because he was used to walking in chains like a prisoner would do, imprisoned for crimes. And it's like, it's so effective. No, incredible. Incredible detective work. Yeah, he has the crime mode. So, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, Spawning a guy over limp and being like evil.
Starting point is 00:51:25 I love that, man. Yeah, that's spawning a guy over limp and being like evil. I love that, man. That's probably not ideal. But it doesn't matter because Alexander has some more guys with guns just on deck ready to set up some contrived torches. Her vis shows up ties solo to a table and then issues the nicest sounding threat I've heard in a while which you heard at the beginning. You're going to show you the editing of the ancient cultures of the Mediterranean.
Starting point is 00:51:56 Yeah, the thing is the light light is the big bowl of suvlaki. You're going to live for a long time and no one's really sure why. You can cannot wait. Yeah, I'd love to. I'm not gonna do any shank of nose. Um, yeah, but I'm not paying any income tax. Like grapes. On olives.
Starting point is 00:52:15 A lot of grapes. Sounds good to me. I don't know. But actually what they've set up is a, they've set up a fucking the pendulum situation. Where are they? Yeah. The pendulum. Pointing at the screen like, yeah up a fucking the pendulum situation. Where are they have the pendulum? The pet pointing at the screen like, yo, that's the pendulum from the pit and the pendulum. And it's the pit.
Starting point is 00:52:31 And the pendulum is going to go. I was going to do that in a second from the pit and the pendulum. That's all right. Also, they have the end-go-round and pose, and the man from Uncle. Can't I fall like pointing at the screen like, fuck, sake.
Starting point is 00:52:44 Well, it took my whole shit. And Povice sets up this big swinging razor blade that's going to like bisect solo. And he gets a fun little like Gillette ad joke in there where he's like, yeah, this one lasts me 25 to 30% longer than the next leading brand. And it just doesn't really loved track or anything. There wasn't even a shot of Solo's face reacting to it. It just, it just, it's like, it's just a funny line.
Starting point is 00:53:11 Also, this one Solo's doing that thing that you identified in the previous film, Alice, which is he starts every line with, well, I tell you. Say, I tell you. Which I'm guessing. I'm guessing isn't in the script because he does it like two or three times in a row.
Starting point is 00:53:22 And I think that's just Rob up Vaughan going, like, what's my line, what's my line, that's my line. Yeah, going sort of Bob Hope mode. Well, I tell you, meanwhile, Ilya and Tracy have been tied together over a pit. What's the nature of that pit you may ask? My goodness, of course, Mr. Solo. Of course. Just if you wanted to have a pit and having a bottom week, week shit, you'd be in barricade.
Starting point is 00:53:48 Insolcing. No, no. You die of starvation as you're still falling. Like, that's, yeah. The experience of falling down just for a pit is boring actively. Yeah, also, it's very, it's very, very narrows. I feel like you could probably brace yourself. Think about a bottomless pit as you've got infinite time
Starting point is 00:54:04 to brace yourself against the side and climb out. In fact, if that's too over existential, because stuck their legs out, they could probably just land on the rim. Just massive. That's why. Suspended from a rope over it, they could just swing themselves to the side. I could do really, I think. Yeah, to try it at all. I feel like if they'd attempted anything,
Starting point is 00:54:25 other than just kind of sat there tied up, I feel like when the volume is put open, you get exactly one like per-funktery scream out of Tracey's, because like, he's like, oh no, it's like that's the make-up for other noises. It's more like startled than anything else. How to accept these traps in motion, like the candle's burning through the rope for Enya and the razor's gonna cut so don't have. Having set all this in motion,
Starting point is 00:54:52 Pavison is boys just fucking leave. They just bounce. They're not gonna sit around. They're gonna wait for this rain and shit to be enjoying. They're doing a lot of tracely line from the scene that I need to fucking bring up because it's so important to have a friend who'll back you up You know, it's so important to have someone who when when the villain goes
Starting point is 00:55:11 No, it isn't He's doing very well That's really cute. Thank you, Trace. But he's just typing about that. That's like, anyone could have put that together. Did you say no? It was actually very complicated. I think it's very complicated.
Starting point is 00:55:32 Amazing. Yeah, he did a lot of work on this. Just perfect. No, it's not. So with one bound Jack is free. Like, Solo just like instantly gets out of it. He takes his legs up and stops the momentum. I don't think he's going to get my foot. Yeah. Later on, Mr. Ali, I was like, how did you get out of it. He takes his legs up and stops them and I feel later on that later on, Mr.
Starting point is 00:55:47 Ali's I was like, how did you get out of that too? But it's like really easily. He's got like really remarkable with remarkable ease. He like grabs the rope at the last second and Ilya and Tracey left sort of like halfway into the bottomless pit. And so it was just sort of like doing his arsenal of like rope based bits. Yeah, he's got a lot of hanging. Yeah, it's like for a while. It's like a hanging in there, scene cuts. Yeah, what we didn't see, but he did like two or three more. He's just like, you're like, sorry, I was late.
Starting point is 00:56:23 I was a little tired of that. Like, and then we got to another fucking location. This Mr. Alexander has an immense amount of locations. And this one is a health food ranch where he's got these two fucking Colonel Gaddafi look and ask guys that he's showing his two horses. He's not going to think a two horses in it. Yeah, and they go,
Starting point is 00:56:49 is everything in line for the murder? And he responds, yes, he responds, yes, after a fucking shot change to a different location. So he's just like, didn't say anything for like 20 minutes until I all sat down and went yes, it's already And he does this again And it's said to say teleport to the fucking stud phone. They're a tree And you're like that that's what Alex down to the great would do would be like not answer you for 20 minutes
Starting point is 00:57:17 Get in the next location then we like find the chance for God and what the question was he's just like sat down It's like yes He's meditating on this deeply. But his plan is that these, these guys from unnamed country are going to do, their generals, they're going to do a coup after Mr Alexander breaks command with six by assassinating their president. And he's also going to give them the will gas. Oh, the gas, yeah, we forgot about that.
Starting point is 00:57:41 Don't worry. Don't worry. We did as well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's also like, I'm going to like have a contract for reasons in order to like take over Asia when I when they do the coup, whatever. Um, this way we like, Mr. Kavan, the guy with the criminal limp is, is like, ah, I'm your old teacher in Mr. Alexander's like, yes, you are.
Starting point is 00:58:04 The Aristotle to my Alexander. Oh, I'm your old teacher. And Mr. Alexander's like, yes, you are. The Aristotle to my Alexander. Oh, I get it. No. I get it. This is great. Is he's great. He's also trying to like sideline Kavan. He's trying to like send him to a retirement community.
Starting point is 00:58:20 Inexplicably, this is also mixed with him looking for his fucking car keys. I don't know why. This is the truth, the way that it is. This is the truth, the way that it is. Yeah, 100%. That's the villain of this movie as a guy who's just doing things. To be fair, if you were about to explain your evil plan, but you couldn't find your car keys,
Starting point is 00:58:41 you'd be looking for your car keys while you're explaining your evil plan. It's like, that's in a moment. I never did this, right? Like, it's not a scene. Or for all my pain was like, hang on, sorry, I had the one I left the fucking house. Where's the fucking house? I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,
Starting point is 00:58:57 I feel like Ripton was like, I need some business in this scene and I can, I can, I can, I can, I can, he's been doing something and, and then the people from alcohol just gave him the weirdest shit. So like, yeah, I'm just seeing your businesses. Yeah, you can't imagine he's been doing something. And then the people from Uncle just gave him the weirdest shit. So I'm like, yeah, I'm just seeing who businesses. Yeah, he just wants to get my motivation. What's my motivation? Well, your business is, all right, he's marshmallow,
Starting point is 00:59:10 he's gonna toast to me. Yeah, cool. I'm really mad at the helicopter, not here on time, I don't know. Yes, Jeff, I'm just mad at you. I can't help but I'm just mad at you. I can't help but I'm not even able to get my motivation. Incomprehensible. Like, I Like fucking in the scene where like he meets
Starting point is 00:59:29 Stromberg for the first time and it's just like mid-centred, it's going like, oh I'm hang on, hang on, I'll show you in a minute. I put it down somewhere. You never can see Blurfeld, like the doom fortress door slides up a blurf, I was like, I can't be where I came in here. Blurfeld, through a door, and it's like, you know what?
Starting point is 00:59:50 I just clumped up, where I came in this room and he turns away. Blurfeld, back out. Yeah. You only lived twice, Blurfeld threatening Sean Connery and being like, hold on a second, one second. The fucking little monorail that we have around the base. That's like five minutes off schedule and it's making me look like an absolute cunt. Right now. I'm gonna be honest Donald Pleasant blowfelt would have to present the upset about the monorail
Starting point is 01:00:14 people. Yeah. Blue singer's keys. Yeah. Fuck. How am I gonna lock the base when we leave tonight? I mean while he's got a second guy saying I need to find my keys two times into a microphone. Honestly, Mr. Alexander's bad is so incomprehensible that it is super of Joseph might well be fight keys. It's all things. It's just, it's just like a basic task. So he, um, so he hands these, these generals off the wheelgast. Meanwhile, Uncle are like, okay, we got to run this shit down. What Greek shit do we have in DC? And they come back with, oh, there's a Greek health spark or the Grecian earn. Go investigate that. So if there's anyone looking for his keys in there. Yeah. Meanwhile, Mr. Alexander just chadshit because he shags the princess. Oh, yeah. Oh, this is a huge dick energy.
Starting point is 01:01:10 Huge, huge dick energy. I'm always saying this. He's fucking her. And then the door goes and she goes, that's probably your husband, right? And she's like, yeah, he's like, it's pretty punctual, isn't he? Goes out there, sort of visibly like zipping his dick back to our friends. Not only that, he's tying his tie, and it's not a fucking tie, it's a bow tie.
Starting point is 01:01:33 The man is tying a bow tie, an impossible task to do, while telling the friends of a nation about how he's just slammed his wife. He's like, I just fucked your wife. And the guy's like, I'm gonna kill you. And he says, no, you're not going to, because your bitch made. Luckily for you, I won't tell anyone
Starting point is 01:01:52 that you like too much of a coward to like defend the honor of your own wife. But what I am gonna do is hang up a framed picture of the number six. The number seven. Because the telecom is, of course, that you're seven. Because it's telling me that. You're one of his, of course, thou shalt find James Heng's wife.
Starting point is 01:02:08 The shalt not find James Heng's wife. But he's like, well, no, the thing is, and so there's going to be a coup in your nation. President is going to be replaced. Your royalty, so you're not going to be touched. But if you don't want anyone to find out about this and you don't want to get fucking couped, then you're just going to let it go.
Starting point is 01:02:23 So that's what's happening. Huge, huge, huge dick energy. So, and these leaves. Yeah. So the Greation Earn, the Greation Earn, we are at the gym from the 1950s. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yep. There's shit getting vibrated. When it. There's shit getting rotated. It's the 60s of women. It's a white blood ass wig. Yeah. Yes.
Starting point is 01:02:45 Is this was back in a day where people genuinely believe that as long as your muscle was being moved, that counted as exercise. So most exercises were just like attaching a belt to something that would just jiggle your shit and you would be like, this is working, definitely. Or some wooden rollers that would like roll your muscles and shit like that. And then we see that Pervis is just doing the YouTube zone. He's watching all of this on a monitor and just cracking up at how silly it is.
Starting point is 01:03:14 He's also getting a pedicure. Yeah, Pervis is just like leaning back and he's like, dead-ears. I have to answer, thank you. Absolute, absolute dawn. So good. Fantastic. So the uncles are outside in the car, and they're sent tracian,
Starting point is 01:03:30 and then I find out where Miss John Xander is. She goes in, and then the girls escort her to room A, which love it. Oh, yeah, I want to talk about the girls escorting her to room A, because first of all, the Greek goddess looking woman on the desk hits the kill this guy button, so slickly, she just like walks around the desk and like, incidentally hits the like big silent alarm button. Yeah, oh, by the way. And yeah, oh, by the way. Yes. And so Tracy is like, oh, I'll just be leaving.
Starting point is 01:04:01 And two women like, grab her by each arm and take it a room, and she's like, well, I, I'll just be leaving. And two women like grab her by each arm and take her to room A. And she's like, well, I guess I'll just be in room A then. And it's like that's me as fuck. They give her a forced beauty treatment, which is like, again, all I've ever wanted. Gaysia to me. Mm-hmm, same, same, big time. Maybe we can all recognize this.
Starting point is 01:04:19 She's a perverse arrives, and she's like, hey, I'm gonna, she's pretending. She says, I'm gonna sell Uncle out. Take me me to Miss Alexander and I will tell him what Uncle know. What's really funny is the purvee's is the only other guy in the movie aside from Solo who calls it UNCLE. Yeah, it's got fun. Yeah. And then like Tracy hasn't emerged, so Solo goes in after her and then, then. And then it's time to go Devon goes in after her and then then and then Hello gentlemen, ladies how are we doing? I have a drop here and it says this Mongol mongos here. We've got a mango everybody
Starting point is 01:04:56 Let's go boys because they're like oh, you're your your a man. Obviously you can't go to roommate. That's where the broads is Fortunately, yeah room B. Getting a weirdly forced guy. Yeah, Rume B. A fella called Mr. Ingo steps into the shot and into my heart forever. His name is so illegal. The thing is, Mr. Ingo doesn't sell it. This actor's name is CalBolder. And that sells it so much more. Like, this man is Mr. Boulder in his day to day
Starting point is 01:05:32 and he is fucking huge. Maybe first of all. Huge strong man. His name is Cal. What is he fucking? He's crept on? That's CalBolder, C-A-L. Let me just say, the sexual tension between solo and Ingo,
Starting point is 01:05:47 in this mode is profound. It's... What's also very funny is that he gives solo basically an accurate medical, where he's like, holy shit, you make the worst martini ever, and you drink like five of them a day. You've never even seen a vegetable. You are incredibly unhealthy.
Starting point is 01:06:11 We're gonna get you on some health foods, brother. I think we've got to do this. I think we've got to blast whatever it goes the periods. Ingo is like bald, shaved head, very jacked. He's like a head taller than solar. There's got to look like Napa. Like he's huge. He is fucking massive.
Starting point is 01:06:25 And he walks into the film and he's open in line. It's just, I amingo! It's fucking great. Like, he can go and take care of you. And he's like, and then he look at her and he goes steps in and goes, I'mingo.
Starting point is 01:06:36 And it's like, I'm not answered, baby. Yeah, he's moving Solo around the room, but like, he's not like leading him places. He's physically picking him up and taking him to the various stations of the room. And at this point, he hasn't been told to kill this fucking guy, so I can only assume that that is the basic thing he presents to all of his clients.
Starting point is 01:06:55 Yeah, I heard first of all, hope he has. He's trying to go to this fucking greasian earn place for different reasons. The wilding goes, think of says, I will show you a chart that walks away and sort of sneaks away. Right, line from any manga. He finds that the chart is just like a picture of some broccoli and it just says, eat this. So the sneaks away, he finds the princess in a hot tub
Starting point is 01:07:20 in a room just doing fam shit. And she's like, do you wanna like, do you wanna give me a use infection in this hot tub right now? And he's like, I'd love to, but I've got a list. That line never fails. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:07:33 Apart from this time. Yeah, as he's literally like, I would like to, but I'm just a little bit busy right now. And also I think I would have put up my back. Yeah, hold on. So he finds Tracy, and and correctly predicted in the last movie that he was going to experience getting hit on the head and kidnapped. So I think he maybe is just like, no, if I stay in here, I'm going to get my back hurt by some fucking henchmen. So
Starting point is 01:07:57 just in time for Ingo to re-emerge with his big broccoli chart and immediately take charge of the situation by once again bodily picking him up. He like takes the magazine out of his gun and bends it in half and other classic big guy moves. Yeah. Yeah. And so so Pavis takes Tracy away in the car and Elia follows them and then we get the solo and go fight. This is, remember the Bond Mongo fight against... Oh, shit, it was against massive Pierre Navelli in the same every game.
Starting point is 01:08:38 Oh, never seen him again, yeah. It's very similar except much worse. Fight between my dad and Pierre end of Ellie, yeah. I thought of this as profoundly sort of Roger Morian in nature, in that it's sort of like they're doing bits like he's throwing dumbbells out of him. He's like trying to kill him with gym equipment. Yeah, it's a bit like a... And it was faces that Robert Ford makes.
Starting point is 01:09:02 Yeah, I have a screenshot. One bit with the faces that will be the episode art, do not worry. Who's pushing back and forward on like a barbell, and Robert Vaughan makes a series of very Roger More like Faces. And I think I'm just sticking his tongue out of one point. And then finally, we get the incredible moment that the Robert Vaughan gets behind and go,
Starting point is 01:09:19 goes to Uncle Chopham, and it doesn't work. And he tries it again. And he hurts his ass. Because then goes, so jacked, he's immune to Uncle Chop him and it doesn't work and he tries it again and he hurts his hands because then goes so jacked he's immune to Uncle Chop's the Uncle Chop fails and he makes the face like oh it's so good So solo fucking kills him like the guy in the crucible, the more weight guy, he puts him under like a bench. He's a guy that's not killed. He's a life. He goes fine.
Starting point is 01:09:50 He's a guy that's not like enough weight on him. Because he's one of those bench press machines where like it has a thing that stops it going too low. So it's not crushing him, but it's just got so much weight on top that he also can't get out from under it. Yeah, and also you have you must Bear in mind that it was enough weight from Napoleon to move in one go So I doubt that a killing go at all But it does trap him and it allows Napoleon to escape. Yes, yeah
Starting point is 01:10:16 So we get this lovely see where Tracy is brought to mr. Alexander and she's like, oh, yeah, like you know I'll tell you everything I know about Uncle and what they know about your plans. And he's like, go on, man. She goes, well, that, there's nothing like babies. And he's like, you're bluffing. I know this from chess. Ah, the classic chess move.
Starting point is 01:10:37 I know what you're doing. I know what you're laughing. So, and he goes, he calls up his fucking like main guy at ranch and is like, can I get a security check? By the way, this guy is wearing like three kinds of denim and a cowboy hat. And he goes, yeah, I got a security check and he goes, yes, and then turns around and we see the o'curry arcade wearing a suit, approaching him in the, across the middle of a field at walking pace and he's like,
Starting point is 01:11:07 yeah, there's a guy here. And I'm like, and then, and then what, what Mr. Alexander does is he goes, it's time to activate the fucked up bell, the fucked up alarm bell that I had installed by Jean-Michel Jarras and artistic thing. Security conditions red.
Starting point is 01:11:27 Really? I'm getting your dinner. This is about reoccurring. I'm genuinely so alienated by it. I'm incredible. We're in the desert zone right now because we've just had a mongo. Now, the only thing that can get me more investors is we unleash a lot of farming equipment in an attempt to kill a leafy arches and I was pointing at him going it's tractor. This this scene is really good for making us like ilia kuryak and warland solo because over the course of being chased by dudes riding farm equipment either is like kind of humiliated he like falls in a ditch and it's like put a David McCallum like this must have been a pain in the ass.
Starting point is 01:12:06 Yeah, I wrote down, David McCallum wasn't getting paid enough of this, whatever it was, he fights a guy in double-downing on top of a tractor, nearly getting plowed in the process, and then defeats him only for a reverse shot of three more tractors each armed for the different deadly farms.
Starting point is 01:12:25 Imagine when I was cheering like no one's business. And also because there's no budget, one of those tractors is the first tractor again. And Elias move. Elias move is to like dive into a bog and stay there getting covered in shit while the farming equipment has as harmlessly over him. That is fully immerses himself in like silage. It looks like to escape from like a rotovader and I wrote, ooh, ooh.
Starting point is 01:12:57 It does get a success in the capture and is brought in front of Alexander. He's just like, how could he possibly just get in his pocket? This is Alexander's house, which presumably he objects He's just like, how good he is. He's in his chocolate bar. This is Alexander's house, which presumably he objects to, but like... With like light colored cards. His shoulders are so slumped as well. He's just about like, I fucked it, lads. Yeah, he's so sad. He survived the encounter, but he's like sad about it. Yeah, he's like, I'm gonna be killed now. I'm not gonna give him a shot.
Starting point is 01:13:23 He's gonna kill me. about it. Yeah, it's like, I'm going to be killed now. I'm not going to get this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes, I'm sure you wouldn't want me to do that. Oh, that's very tough, Ruby. And if I don't go, you will kill him. Yes, don't leave yourself out. Oh, well, in that case, I can't leave when I've had a more tempting offer. Yeah. Incredible. She's talking like this the entire movie. It's so charming. Yeah, it's interesting.
Starting point is 01:13:59 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think period feature of scripting is that nowadays, the fewer words, like every single line in a TV script has to be like a few words as possible. Same for film as well. I don't know what this is. I know, I just want you to. I would have to. I would have to.
Starting point is 01:14:15 As a contrast to theater where you can have long lines. And in particular, you can really notice the difference between films that are written by theater writers and also by actors. And by people who are like screenwriters and they're just trying to get a few words as possible. So it's just I quite like it actually because I am somebody who is quite verbose and also writes quite verbose characters but I just noticed that it is an interesting period feature. Yeah absolutely. So he, Alexander Hans Kuryak and over to Professor Warren Zeevon.
Starting point is 01:14:46 And then goes, goes to Pervius and says, call my other Moustache guy. I need a second Moustache. My second Moustache. Yeah, fuck. And so Solo gets in a taxi outside the Gritian Nun and is immediately perfectly taxi kidnapped by second moustache guy. So hit him with a knockout gas. Yeah, they smoke the fuck in there.
Starting point is 01:15:11 They let him stew in it for a second though. Before they hit him with a knockout gas. It's as long as I remember. Before they hit him with a knockout gas, they like, fuck, he like gets in the back of the car and like tries to tell the driver where to go. The driver's already driving at this point. And you get like the long slow realization from sort of he has been kidnapped.
Starting point is 01:15:34 You like knocks on the window a few times and he tries the car handles and he's like, wait a minute and then they gas it. Like it's just so fucking good. They let him figure it out first. Yeah, the comic timing gas. Like it's just so fucking good. They let him figure it out first. Yeah, the the comic timing gas. So, Koryakin is getting tortured, I guess. Yes. Yeah. Professor Kavon, like, they have thankfully allowed him to shower. And Koryakin is now clean. And he is tied up in his underwear. Like, Dave McC McCallum looking great shape.
Starting point is 01:16:05 I see. Yeah. Yeah. Quite sexy. And he's tied up and Mr. Kvon wants to mummify him because he's in a cult. This is an attempt from Mr. Kvon to get a Kaufman star. Despite being disqualified from it, from being in multiple scenes. Sorry, the Kaufman star star of there is one,
Starting point is 01:16:25 to be a word of hast to go to the will gas. Maybe just for dog, cube in general. Yeah, yeah. He has a great line, though, where he says, he explains his cult background. And Courier can go, so I thought they were dyed out. He goes, well, you know how it is with cults. Which I really like.
Starting point is 01:16:46 Yeah, he knows. He's in a cult, which is an interesting one, because I'm most people. Yeah. Do you guys don't realize they're in a cult? Yeah, you're not supposed to know, but it's a cult. If you're in a cult, you're supposed to be like, oh, I'm with the guy that my friends, we have this lovely little community. Yeah, that's the kind of thing of the hill bit where it's like, are you all with the cult?
Starting point is 01:17:03 And it's not a cult. It's an organization that spreads love and be like, the king of the hill bearer. It's like, are you all with the cult? And it's like, it's not a cult, it's an organization that spreads love. And they go, yeah, we're here. Like that's... It's the same in the Ensenamo head movie, the Endless as well. But like, instead this guy's like, yeah, I'm in a cult. Also, I might be the only guy in the cult at the moment. It's a cult of one.
Starting point is 01:17:18 It's actually me. I'm the cult of the mind. Which is my cult of the mind. But he's gonna mummify Enya alive and... He's gonna do it. ...sulla sneaks in and then Professor Warren's even whips around and he has a knife hidden in his crutch because he's evil. He's like, I've listened to Kill James Bond.
Starting point is 01:17:39 You're not gonna exploit this disability, motherfucker. But he also goes, he wouldn't hit an old man, would you? And I wrote birthday boy deployed. But he tries to exploit his own disability, which is incredible. You gotta feed him to it. Yeah. But he does not win.
Starting point is 01:17:58 He gets kicked into a tub. Yeah, he'll just fall off him tactically and not to mention the tub. I swear to God, I have a drop. Can, Elyah just falls on him tactically and like not to mention the tub. I swear to God I have a drop. I'm gonna have to be kicked into a tub. I think it's this one. And here's birthday boy himself. Yes! Oh, that's such a humor!
Starting point is 01:18:17 That was scary. Okay, thank Christ. Here's birthday boy himself. Love it. Christ. Yeah, it's better than I'm so. So he rescues Kury Arkyn just in time for Alexander to realize that Solo is there and he's been played and the taxi kid that has not gone off. Oh, I also forgot the way in which Solo gets out of the taxi cab kidnapping is a second moustache guy opens the back of the cab, finds him unconscious back there. Solo wakes up, punches him and goes The trick is not to inhale which is
Starting point is 01:18:50 So good so good. I love it. So then we have to go to Alexander strikes Tracy to establish that he's evil and then he drives away very slowly and Solo and Kuryak can get into the taxi that Solo arrived in and they drive after them. We're going to Washington. Mm-hmm. To go to this embassy where- Go to another location.
Starting point is 01:19:12 Yeah. Where he's going to kill the president of unsversified country. Except they've been misdirected. So Alexander and Tracey are able to go there undetected while purveys leads them into a trap and we have a gun fight Except the guns all have the silences that are really silent and Yeah, this is fun actually because they use it because comic effect Yeah, and it's not like without remorse or it makes like a pew noise. I mean silent I mean like they are firing these guns next to people
Starting point is 01:19:45 and they don't know this. There's like a wedding party coming out. This is genuine like police squatish here, actually, because the wedding party comes out, solo shoots and kills, Povies. And then he's like, No, actually, Elia kills both of them. Elia kills both of them, fantastic.
Starting point is 01:20:03 So Elia kills them. And Povies gets, his corpse gets bundled into the fucking like, bridal car. Just married. Just married and they drive away. And like, they're all about, like, the whole crowd are going, yeah, woo. And then we hear from off screen, the massive scream
Starting point is 01:20:18 that is of course the bride noticing that there's a corpse in the car. And immediately the guy next to Sola goes, and you're on last. And I just wrote so it's so like scrupal comedy. So it's so funny. It's just genuinely police scottish it. So we uh we go to the embassy where Alexander was giving frankly a weird speech. So you see I broken all the time, and then I will rule the world. And we see that we cut to like 10 people who are all just like, what? I'm so confused.
Starting point is 01:20:54 So like getting midway into a speech like I violated all codes of human morality. And it's like, uh, no, it's like, and he pulls out the smallest knife of all time and stabs the president of this nation. Who falls into a pit that has been baked in the shape of a number six? We have seen this man before. Yes, yes, we have. I recognize this man, the president of the fucking corporation from he is Mr. Osato. You only live twice. Mr. Osato from Osato Chemicals.
Starting point is 01:21:26 Yes. This is what he did after... Well, I guess he got one year before. One year before. One year before. Yeah, right. Good to see you again, my friend. How you doing?
Starting point is 01:21:36 Yeah. And he doesn't die. He doesn't let he falls into the number six cake and then he gets up again and he's like, ah, Mr. Alexander, in fact, we were warned by the UN CLE. The coup has already been prevented. Your entire plan has failed. And this guy's under like, I've got to go see it. Like, chat to the hook, bye. He'll excuse me.
Starting point is 01:21:53 Roll it with a fucking number six cake as well, which is very strange. The way that he leaves is that he puts a knife for the knife that he was going to use to kill the president to trace his neck. And then, much like inspector We cut to the exterior of the building and a sort of a human shaped dummy wearing a tuxedo is thrown back First out of that
Starting point is 01:22:18 Sorry, I think this is a real human being because because he jumps out of the window in the shitest possible way which is like interior shot rip torn just like steps back and kind of sits down through the sugar glass window outside he's sort of like sits falls came out of like he doesn't dive through the window to remind me just like falls out of the window and part of the window frame falls on him you can actually see it fall on him and his leg comes up like oh I'm gonna have to pull this up another look. It's so fucking good. You're gonna have to, specifically what we're gonna have to do is cut this window shot in to the window shot from spectra. It's so undignified. It's just at least on his whole plan.
Starting point is 01:23:05 It's just been fucking destroying his like, ah, fuck, I'm out. Shit. All right, so he is racing back to the health food farm where he has a plane stored. The men from Uncle. Or even his wasting form. The medical school pursue in a Jaguar E-type. A silver blue Jaguar E type, I like it.
Starting point is 01:23:26 So good. And we get a genuinely impressive stunt in a TV movie, which is solo, well stuntman, like jumps from the E type to the door of the plane as it's taking off. And this car, I want this car so much. It's really good. It's really good. They get in a fight, solo loses and just gives up and parachutes back out of the plane. Yeah, it's not okay.
Starting point is 01:23:56 At this point, the good guys win through luck. Yes, the kids. Yeah, and what happens? Alexander walks up to the press who is like piloting and he says this line. Great big cumbersome. He doesn't say that. You know what? Fuck it. He does say that. I don't know if I have the line.
Starting point is 01:24:17 Wait, what the fuck? I put it on. Oh, bone right. Okay, this is the line. Leave that in. This has been one of those days. Would you set the plane on course for the Caribbean? Something I'm always saying. Right, it comes.
Starting point is 01:24:37 At this point, these are like all the audiences. K-1, that is just like, I'm betraying you now. And then pulls a knife on him, and we literally, like, we literally get Mr. Alexander doing that quote from Manstabbed, what are you gonna do? Staff me, me. Yeah, you're not gonna stab me, put that away.
Starting point is 01:24:55 And of course he stabs him, stabs him, and like kills him, his reaction. We get a perfect death noise, because he just goes like, ah, ah. He screams so that's like, ah! We get a perfect death noise because he just goes like Screams so that's like And then this the cable pulls the knife out and then like trips Stabs the controls of the plane and presumably hits the
Starting point is 01:25:22 Distro is the plane instantly got a noise you't put that button on your plane. It should be fun. We've destroyed some. We got to some like archive footage of a plane exploding in mid-air. I guess the Uncle Aids must be like, what happened, huh? Good thing you were still on that plane, apparently, and like, what did you do this?
Starting point is 01:25:40 Yeah, I guess. Because, in my opinion, it's like, I didn't do that. I thought we were fucked. I tried and do that. I thought we were fucked. I tried to write it, I thought we'd lost. I thought we'd lost. So we then go back to the, back to the embassy where Kuryakin is getting hit on by the princess, which makes solo jealous, which is fun.
Starting point is 01:25:59 Tracy also kisses Elia, which also makes solo jealous, which is very fun. Yes. And then the woman who has been on the radio enters the situation and we fucking get a twist that explains some things and then raises a lot more questions. Mr. Waverly, M is like, oh, I see you've met my niece, Mord. Yeah. Because, yeah. Also Mord is portrayed as like a sort of singularly unerotic name here. Like, Solo's like Mord.
Starting point is 01:26:37 I don't know, she pulls it off. I think it's, I've, that's deliberate, I suppose. You spend the entire thing being like, I wonder what this woman's name is it can't be like a Normal person's name they have to have like one that's funny And yeah, I was like Lucy good pussy or something. Yeah, yeah, um, you pussy But so but so Emma's like it's a good person This is my knees. Yeah, don't you look good? I know lapillian that you are a fucking danger so I Yeah, that's a Lucy. I know Lepurly and that you are a fucking danger. So I told my niece to flirt with you
Starting point is 01:27:11 in order to make sure that you're kind of fucking dangerous sexual harassment efforts were directed at her who was expecting them and can control them rather than like random women on the street and in the organization. Yeah, and the pony goes, great point. However, unfortunately, she is now in front of me unprotected, so we're going to go and have sex now. And just like accept this. And I was like, okay, like, first of all, I'm using my niece, my own flesh and blood as a sort of
Starting point is 01:27:41 ablative sexual heat shield. And second of all, now that she's here, oh, hmm. Second of all, now that she's here, yeah, you do actually get to fuck her, because you did a good job. But parachute's out of the plane and wasting for it to explode on it, so. I think the way to play this would have been,
Starting point is 01:27:58 you have M say, aha, I'm a soloist, she was my niece all along, I was doing this, still pretty misogynist. Then he walks away and then MORT initiates and says, but I actually meant every word of it. Like, that's, I think, the way to do it without having to be quite so much of a fucking object. Rather than solo just being like a sex out.
Starting point is 01:28:15 She's just leading her away. His purely an object. He uses sort of like a sex dispenser. And it's a shame that's the movie. That, like, last minute. Fucking hits us with like a significant amount of misogyny, because thus far, the move has been pretty okay, especially by, like, uncle and 60 standards in terms of misogyny and then it just, like, fack it all in right at the very end.
Starting point is 01:28:37 You know, like, the last moment. You fool! It was misogyny the whole time! And you ask a question. Come on. Who is the spy that has won too many? Oh, no, I've assumed to be an actually quite an acceptable number of spies for this. Yeah. It's still the number that you want.
Starting point is 01:28:54 Who, really? Yeah. Is it meant to be Tracy? Like she's getting in the way? Literally who in the shit is the spy? Who is the title character? As is on a postcard, please. We have a science-based system on this podcast.
Starting point is 01:29:09 We do. It's called the scum system. Stands for smarm cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence, and misogyny. How smarmy is this movie? Yes, very. Unfortunately, exceedingly. But to be honest, we are data-minded.
Starting point is 01:29:23 Yes, exceedingly. Smarmy is the one that I am the least upset about raiding highly. Yeah, because it's very misogynist. That's bad. It's very racist. Yeah, I feel like this one has more lines, like more lines that are meant to be jokes. It's very smart. It's like, the trick is not to inhale.
Starting point is 01:29:39 You stuff like that, you know? Yeah, except the problem, the problem is some of them are funny, which kind of I would say detract from it so I'm racing like I I think the smart racing for bonds is meant to be like He laughs at his own jokes Mm-hmm, and so I think this may actually be below I could see my way down to like a Or even for this always what it was last time. I'm happy to rate it for I could do three then yeah Dev Yeah, listen was last time, I'm happy to rate it for. I could do three then. Yeah. Dev. Yeah. I listen, go right. Sorry, I'm just trying to find out what the fuck the spy who is too many is.
Starting point is 01:30:10 I'm just reading the Wikipedia. Which guy is the one spy that is too many? So this was adapted from the season two premiere of the man from Uncle, which was both of them were just called the Alexander, the greater affair parts one and two. which was both of them were just called the Alexander the Greater Affair parts one and two. And there's no mention of what the fuck they could possibly be referring to. Now there's a perspective on it. In regards to the number of spies. Cultural insensitivity.
Starting point is 01:30:38 You're going to show you the heritage of the ancient cultures of the Mediterranean. Which ones? God, I hope it's the menow and cultures because those women were just tidied out the entire day. Unfortunately, what they mean is... Every other culture in the ancient world is like women can't exercise naked and then sparta and Minoa are like out of my way gay boy, I'm about to get it. Oh, so, and we approve of that. I feel like this film seems to be under
Starting point is 01:31:05 the impression that like Greeks are some kind of like Arab. Oh like some sort of like really good. Really good. Really good. Crack it up from the. Yeah. A kel'th on on the poster. It's really appears to be under the impression that Greeks are a kind of Arab. So we're at least sort of like Turkish or a vantious moving. It's like, yeah, all of these guys should be wearing fairs as they should be wearing.
Starting point is 01:31:31 I mean, the racial says, I'm sure there are people who are Greek, I don't really know what I mean. But I feel like it's very Arab. So these people should be like under the dominion of the sublime port. Yes, yeah. It's like not quite clear on what's Phoenician and what's Greek yeah yeah
Starting point is 01:31:46 five also the guitar is a bit of a I wouldn't go made up god well maybe I would yeah I would five I don't know if I would go to five four I take four four is over half is again I keep tricky myself as we really go to seven. Unprovoked violence. Hmm. Oh, basically none. I mean, basically none. Yeah, yeah, uncle tends to score pretty well on this because there's all sort of pretty revolts. Uncle's unprovoked.
Starting point is 01:32:13 I mean, the ending of the film, like the film ends because of some unprovoked violence from Mr. K for me. It's just like, fuck it. I'm like jumping across the window. Yeah, yeah. Not me, it's doesn't really portray down. Yeah. Yeah. Not me. It doesn't really portray any of that. It's a dog.
Starting point is 01:32:27 Yes, it's true. Yes. Animal testing. They do do animal testing. On the other hand, it is sort of the opposite of violence because it makes the dog non-violent. So it also takes away the dog's agency, which is the kind of violence. I just, I really respect that like the villain of this movie. No this movie does violence is the force that takes away. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Um, hmm. I guess. Sorry, that's really going to be one solitary point of a dog guess.
Starting point is 01:33:12 I just, everyone else just respect so immensely that like Mr. Alexander after everything that's happened in this all of his ploying, he chose to kill this guy. He's done all the things. He's found his keys finally like when all of that is foiled, his response is just like, this has been one of those days. That's such a good mindset. It's like, damn, when some lose some, anyway. Oh, he's changed what Bob is doing your worst days. Did you do weird plans?
Starting point is 01:33:41 That's a mechanical. Well, Bob is doing his worst days is not knowing where his car keys are. That's right, misogyning. It's gonna be pretty high, I'm afraid. Did you do weird plans? For the character. Well, both of them, as worst days, is not knowing where his car keys are. That's right. Misogyny. It's going to be pretty high, I'm afraid. I'm afraid.
Starting point is 01:33:51 Yeah, I mean, sex is reward women, the gas-licing women love to exist only as sexual beings. On the other hand, Frese isn't... Frese is really out for her money, which she inherits. Yeah. But she's crazy is really out for her money which yeah inheritors. Yeah But she's a good character I think yeah, I She has agency. Yeah, I like Tracy. She does. I mean obviously this doesn't pass the first-elf does naturally, but like no no And as much as the Tracy talking to like the receptionist of the clinic and I'm going go to room A counts as passing the best deltest.
Starting point is 01:34:28 Yeah, go to the like the last technically does technically it does. So it passes the KJB test. Five, six. Last two uncle films we've given eight. I would say this is a six. Six, okay. Six. I'm doing pretty well.
Starting point is 01:34:43 And if it ended exactly five minutes earlier, it'd probably be like up for a tree even. Well, that gives us a total score of 15. It means they're getting better. That's pretty good. Yeah, that's pretty darn good. Incremental reforms, incremental reforms and liberalism. Robert Vaughn wins for the third consecutive tie
Starting point is 01:35:02 in the Brian Cox Memorial Award in intelligence. The Kaufman star goes to the dog cube. Does that destroy the tone of the film? Does that establish the tone of the film? Yeah, you can't destroy the tone too early on, I think. The dog cube. The Kaufman star remains a difficult to attain award. And the good night slash Kuryarkin Cross. I feel like Kuriak is just constantly winning the good night cross. Yeah, sort of being covered in slurry and silage and things of
Starting point is 01:35:33 this night. Kuriak absolutely wins the good night cross. Yes. Well, this has been one spy too many. This has been one spy too many yes our next bonus episode is gonna be Girls night because dev isn't gonna be here On don't leave this weekend. I am away Picking the movie I am I'm away this weekend So it's gonna be a girls night episode and after that The next movie in the Man from Uncle series is one of the spies is missing. I wonder if the next one.
Starting point is 01:36:12 I wonder if that's gonna have anything to do with the plot of the movie, maybe not. Of the number of spies that there are. Yeah. We'll see, there might just be no missing spies in that. But regardless of what's possible to talk. It's time. We'll see but regardless of the time. We'll see you in two weeks time. Goodbye. I never got to use this drop so I'm using it now.
Starting point is 01:36:29 You're so nasty. Thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond. Next week on the Free Feed also, because it's the winter of content, it's girls' night, because we had some real scheduling conflicts, and there's just literally no chance. I'm going to have another spare moment to record an episode, because there are a number of Christmas holidays coming up, so we have to bank these.
Starting point is 01:37:08 And I simply wasn't around on the day. We need to do the next one. So it's going to be Abby and Alice on their own. But if you miss Devon, I wouldn't worry about it too much because I will be back on the free feed and two extra time for the next man from an uncle film which is of course one of our spies is missing. One of our spies is missing. You don't have to give us any money during this period at all but some people do and
Starting point is 01:37:38 I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't give a shout to our 15 pounds and above patrons and those are Christine Fox, Amanda Comet, Flair Aloysius, Gustavo Lyra, Jack Holmes, paint Maccala, Thomas Oberhart, Nick Boris, Yarrick, Nate Amore, Harriet DeCog, Correos, the Commissar, formally known as Jen. Thus far I've not been informed what the commissar is currently known as, or just the Commissar, in general, Library hitman. EFcrime. Still, maybe my favorite.
Starting point is 01:38:09 Beno Rice, Jonathan Gurdets. Again, don't know how to pronounce that one. Gallimburni, Max Gamerhart. Check Drummond, Kit Divine, Kentucky Fried Commie. J. Mandele, hell. Lysa Mesh. Again, don't know that one either. Jonathan Siegel, I should check how to pronounce it, but I won't. Top, oh, big titty goth girl.
Starting point is 01:38:27 Moth man, George Rohan, trip, Harrison Fuller, Charlie, out of the closet. Alex, a trans robot, Brown, Bronon, Brown, and Brown, and Violet Cybra. Zoe Sheppard, Turfsy, Shitton, Dyerloan, Elizabeth Cox, Danny Potter, The Spy, who got my nose. That was good. Thank you. Ben Ross, Quinn, Valeri, Alfredo. Big ol' boy, Raul Leal, Wolfie, Al Owing, Lucy, Keeley, Millie. Josh Simmons, Lauren Bastin, and Robert Greensmith.
Starting point is 01:39:01 Thank you. So much for your support. Kil' James Bond is, of course, Alice, Abigail and Devon. Our producer is a wonderful neighbor, they are podcast art, it's by Mattie Lopchanski, and our website is by Tom Arn. Be here. you

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