Kill James Bond! - S2E15: One of our Spies is Missing

Episode Date: December 29, 2022

It's finally time for more UNCLE! In this one, Ilya is chasing pussy all over soho, while Napoleon gets swept up in intrigue involving Milfs, Evil Rodney Dangerfield, and the return of Cal Bolder. We recorded this one nearly a month ago and I truly cannot recall what it was about. thanks ------ THE WINTER OF CONTENT We're joining the war on christmas... on the side of the RMT! Mick Lynch needs your help to secure concessions from the government to make the trains in this country slightly less fucking awful, and you can donate to the RMT's strike fund here: https://www.rmt.org.uk/about/national-dispute-fund/ If you do feel you have money to spare, please consider supporting your local food banks with money or time! donate to the Trussell Trust here: https://www.trusselltrust.org/make-a-donation/ or the Independent food aid network here: https://www.foodaidnetwork.org.uk/donate Additionally, please consider joining a renter's union like ACORN, as rising mortgage rates will surely result in rising rent, here: https://www.acorntheunion.org.uk/join ------ Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ *WEB DESIGN ALERT*  Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/   Kill James Bond is hosted by Alice Caldwell-Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com and https://twitter.com/killjamesbond

I want, I want that which belongs to me no less than to a man. It is power, a power that is almost within my grasp. Hello and welcome to the first Kill James Bond of 2023. I am Alex Caldwell-Kelly. I am joined, as always, by my friends Abigail Thorne and Devin. Hello! How you doing? And we are back on some Man From U.N.C.L.E. shit. Yes! Let's go! I'm so excited. I'm so happy to be doing this.

We are watching the, I think, fourth Man From U.N.C.L.E. movie. One of our spies is missing. And let me just jump right into this, and say that this movie begins with something- a ghost I thought I had exorcised, right? It begins with something I thought i was over i've been in therapy this past few months to try and like you know move past the you know various traumatic events that have happened in my life and yet and yet this movie presents me as one of them it triggers me it owns me uh because this movie begins with with fuck me dead god damn it that's not what I thought you were

going to say any listener that has the capacity to kill someone with their mind get in touch with me I need this information I need this yeah it fucking opens Soho London and for all our American listeners who have been like oh they keep talking shit about how New York

looked in the 60s don't worry because fuck me does london look like hot trash but the first thing that we see is david mccallum enters the shot holding a diamond studded collar and i'm like oh david you shouldn't have cat girls triggered uh i'm sorry do you not like me perceiving you do you not like me turning the big spotlight on you no i i just want a fancier collar than the one I have. Uh-huh, uh-huh. I can recommend you some places. Anyway. No, I'm not gonna pay for it, that's the whole point. Anyway. I can recommend your girlfriend some places. So, we start in Soho, where Davin McCallum, Ilya Kuryakin, is chasing cats. He is.

And in order to do so, he has obtained the luxury cat girl collar for very special girls, which is like diamond studded and about two inches wide. And he approaches Great name. Cat selling man. Yes, a man who sells

cat. Cat man. Sell me the most desirable cat to steal. He says, I'm here for this. I have your finest cats. It would require your fattest, most decadent looking cat.

And then he gets a cat which is quite normal looking, which is sort of a failure of cat casting. Sort of fucked up to me. It's not the biggest failure of cat casting in this film, but yeah, he gets a cat and he puts the diamond studded collar on it to make it more attractive to cat nappers, I suppose.

He sets it free on the streets of London and the collar has a tracking device in, which is quite cute. He's following this cat around London. And a cockney guy. Yeah, some fucking geezer. Picks up the cat and then Ilya sort of turns the flashlight on him and he's like

Oi, what are you doing? And we get the perfect I ain't done nothing thing because he says, I've edited these together but he says about three different times I wasn't doing nothing No crime there is there? There's nothing wrong there is there?

It's not a crime to steal a cat is it's not it's not a crime to steal a case you governor it's not a crime to consistently perform the same action with all of your lines is it it's not a crime to never vary your performance it is it is actually these days yeah these these are days uh literally a one-note character the the most defensive OneNote Cockney in the world explains that he is fulfilling what I can only describe as an insane cat bounty system that exists on the streets of Soho. Oh, we're like five minutes into this fucking episode and I'm already like, I love Uncle. It's like a side quest. I love Uncle so much. Coming up in the fucking Outlinerliner this side quest that's like

you know this guy will pay you handsomely for any cats you deliver to him at this point on your mini map yeah it's like a really weird Assassin's Creed fucking yes oh what's it punting called I don't care Assassin's Creed Syndicate was the one

yeah yeah it was the last good Assassin's Creed. Fight me about this. Origins was good, but not an Assassin's Creed game. Anyway. And then an extremely transgender woman steps out of the shadows. Yes. And she's wearing a green

trilby, which you have to be extreme levels of transgender. Yeah, a spy in a green hat. That would have been a good title maybe for this movie. a good title maybe and she steps out and she steps out she fucking ices this geezer yeah she uses the veterinary pistol on him she fucking uh shoots him she shoots him she wings elia yeah who is like like grazed and is like forced to like hide behind the thing oh uh just before this though elia learns from this one note cockney man that um this guy called corvey is paying him to steal cats and it gets paid him apparently

really really well for this in a weird way uh and and then as as elia is winged, we go to New York City. We go to NYCUNCLEHQ. That's right. Yes. You know what? They've really come into the road with these intros. They figured out how to make one, which is quite nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it.

What I really like about this is Solo rocks up to DeFloria's flower pressing shop, question mark. He goes in, and then we cut to Mr. Wa waverly who is being told that he's coming in and he watches the intro sequence on his tv he's like creepily watching solo come in yeah this intro sequence is in media is like this is yes yes genuinely it genuinely looks like the titles are like non-diegetic or diegetic whichever one i mean that's right for a minute because it looks like mr waverly is watching the title screen one of our spies is missing with robert vaughn and uh david mccallum it's like my mind's just breaking the fourth wall again after someone come in and pick it but just like slap the side of my monitor robert vaughn comes in and and m gives him a

me watching the u Eats driver. Just like, watching him come up to the door. It's like giving his name in a big red font, and you're like, wait a minute. Let's call the callios, I thought. That's right. And Sulla comes in, and Waverly's like, check this shit out, big boy, it's the return of the loud projector. Woo! That's actually his line verbatim.

Our favorite uncle agent, the agent loud projector. The technology not yet caught up with thrush. You had a quiet projector a movie ago. M gives him this briefing. He's like, yo, check this out. He's a picture of an old dude. And Robert Vaughn's like, like yeah that's Dr. Lancer he's you know the famous scientist

who's like working on anti-aging technology he's like Aubrey de Grey in real life he's like trying to reverse age shit he's doing oil of oil age shit to himself. Here's something I hugely appreciate M does his like oh James what's the point of this movie bit and like but like Solo is clearly

struggling to recall the details because he's like squinting a little bit he's like oh god this guy he's just he's a scientist he's got a hangover i really like this this guy lancer this guy lancer is the most buying retinol and focused on the grind anyone has ever been he is determined to reverse aging and then he he shows him this this first photo of an old guy and so it goes that's the old cunt who's focused to determine aging he shows him another photo of the same guy but younger and solo goes oh no idea who that is yeah not like idea one has not entered my head at this point yeah maybe it's his son i i don't know it makes a really weird face and m

m's like oh that's that's him that's dr lan weird face and M's like that's him that's Dr. Lancer and Solo's like well this picture must have been taken 30 years ago and he's like no it was taken last week so this guy appears to have discovered the fucking the L'Oreal secret to reverse aging the seven signs of aging

he's finally figured out what they all are he's applying he's applying like microbeads to places microbeads have never been applied before yeah but of course he's

he's gone missing of course and then we get this we get this fun bit where Soda's like ah okay a thrush behind it and Em just goes

no they'll probably be in the mix somewhere it's this type of movie yeah probably so the only lead we have the only lead we have is of course well he does have a daughter who is a fucking 10 out of 10 smoke show baddie model in paris go and see her and don't have sex with her robert vaughn love it and then he goes okay can i can i check in on my boy, David McCallum? To which Em responds with the most insane pronunciation of Soho I've ever heard.

And now he's back chasing cats in Soho. I wrote that down. It's like he's back chasing cats in Soho. He's just like fucking abducted midway through. He like gets Doppler shifted upwards. It is the fucking Matt Barry outside. He's like like he's out chasing cats in soho we really are the most devious bastard in new york city it's the same

sort of cadence as excuse this rather odd mixture of styles where i refuse to go entirely so you know what now's a fair point to put it in right at the start uh this entire movie features a whole lot of people who just like talk fucking weird um in the 60s you could talk however the fuck you wanted and like no one would pull you up on it i have like eight drops of it are just like guys talking weird so so solo goes to paris we, Solo goes to Paris, he goes to this fashion house, La Salle, we get an interesting bit of hauntologies, the sign says, London, Paris, New York, Beirut, right? And that's not like a joke, these were equally glamorous places in 1966. Really? I thought it was a joke!

Yeah, genuinely. Beirut was the Paris of the Orient for a long time, and like, until, you know, fucking everybody else got done fucking it up, it was beautiful, it remained beautiful in some ways, despite having a massive explosion go off in it. It's not a joke, it's genuinely like, Beirut is a fashionable place to have your fashion house. And so he goes to try and find the smoke show

here we get a masterclass in how to deal with a Bond-esque man entering your environment control removed we see the same woman wearing the green hat as from earlier Madame La Salle she's in fact not the same woman from like wearing the green hat as from earlier madame lasala ah she's in fact not the same woman familiar fuck how the fuck is that not the same madame

lasala and olga are not the same woman and they're about to appear in the same scene together they do look very similar there's about five fucking redheads in this movie and they all work this is madame lasala The lady from earlier is Olga, who we will meet shortly. But Madame de Sala arrives and is like, get the fuck out, you James Bond-ass motherfucker.

I've seen films. Get the fuck out. Don't fuck anyone. Just go. Yes, yeah. You are not putting your dick in anything in this establishment. But Solo sort of persists.

He runs past her. He literally just jogs to a doorframe, where we see this 10 out of 10 smoke show baddie, Dorsa, who is standing on a pedestal, but it took me a second to clock that, I thought she was like 7 feet tall, and I was like, hello. I thought that was just in my mind. But she doesn't want to talk. You've got a pedestal gently rotating, there are lights, and you're like, oh,

interesting. Yeah, a big sort of like alarm light that says lanky brunette with a like an interesting george it goes off in the command center inside my head i'm like oh i think this one's alice actually um this has been sent to the wrong address um mine appears shortly uh but she doesn't want to talk to her before and she's like fuck off uh my eyeliner is too good to speak to you uh and he's like okay let me give you my business card uh and then after he leaves then olga the clocky transgender lady from earlier on reappears um and we get we get lesbianism.wav we get we get incredible lines and i've i've like got a bunch of them here but she

this this this daughter goes well okay why can't i speak to nap Solo? And she goes, Because he is the enemy. In what way? Because we are women. Fucking get his ass. It's good, actually. Radical feminist separatism. Madame de Sala is truly on some Abigail Thorne shit. No, she's popping off nonstop.

Like, she's so good. She gives the line earlier on where she's like, I want power. Men shouldn't have all the power. I'm a girl boss. I'm going to beat Jodie Comer to the Broadway World Awards. Yes. Yeah.

Sure. And so she tells Olga, by the way, as she is doing this, she is fucking tying a string of pearls around this young woman's neck. I wrote down in the group chat at this point, this movie dyke as fuck, and it only gets worse. I believe I also wrote this. And she says, in a world controlled by men, I have found a way to control

the controllers. She has an evil plan. She details Olga to go and kill Napoleon Solo. And Olga then delegates that by finding a second 10 out of 10 smoke show band. This one's for Abby. Hello! This is Dodo, this one's for Abby.

This, like... This last is insanely fucking hard. Yeah. Insanely blonde. Insanely blonde, yeah. And American! This time, I wrote down and I underlined a couple of times the words, evil women. Also, by the way, I think Madame de Sala, right, she's outlining this plan, like, control the controllers, fucking destroy the world of men, right?

I think we have something for this. We have something for when the villain makes cogent points that the movie totally fails to address. I think this is Oldman medal material. Have we awarded another Oldman medal? I think it is. I think it's time. So she goes to Olga. Olga goes to Dodo.

And Olga says, right, go to the daughter whose name I've already forgotten. Lorelei. Lorelei. Go to Lorelei's house. The three of us gave different pronunciations there, perfect. Pick your own. So hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll for solos fucking wiles do not allow it to happen how how do how how do i do that and at this point something a feminine moment that i want so deeply in my life an older woman hands her a stiletto and is like use your imagination i wish i wish she hadn't given her the knife and it just said use your imagination because like just from the tone of this scene or maybe just because it was

on my mind having seen Dodo I genuinely thought the distraction title was going to be fucker we've all like two thirds of this podcast is coming from different types of dome leave recently we're in a weird place we're in a weird place mentally and

this is a horny movie in a lesbian way so this is going to be one of those episodes my dome leave resulted in me being blue-balled, metaphorically, because the last night of it had to be cancelled. So yeah, we were in a weird place watching this movie. Yes. So at this point, Solo, he's still in Paris, he's struck out, and so he calls home,

and he calls the same woman, the same radio operator, that in the previous movie we identified as Mr. Waverly's niece, Maud. Except she's Wanda in this movie, because she changes her name a lot because she's transgender. And essentially, he flirts with her, and Waverly more or less walks in on his niece having phone sex with his subordinates. Yeah, he does this like once or twice a day though, to be fair. So I think he's probably quite new at this point. I have a fact here, either Wanda tries it on

with all the agents. Channel D is always open. I mean, if she's operating Channel D, there's got to be so many agents they're calling in and there's no way that she's only being horny. It's a great way to incentivise them to keep publishing their updates to headquarters.

And Channel D is the most open. And what Waverly wants to announce to Solo is, yeah, Ilya's spending way too much fucking money on cats. If you see this guy, can you ask him to stop, please? Which is really good. The uncle expenses department are upset

with how much money Ely is spending on cats and I'm like wow that's a good oversight I didn't realise they had a fucking expenses department and quite frankly double diamond cat girl collar and they've got this report and they're like no no you're not doing that

yeah we cut to a fella called Norman Norman Swickert and this man so Norman Swickert has the most ripped chauffeur I've ever seen in my life Cal Boulder he's back

he is dare I say a mong-gopher like the guys who launched those balloons Mr Ingo Cal Boulder once again baby gotten another job as this guy's chauffeur and Sir Norman is

sort of like a Winston Churchill exp references Churchill I've got his voice on account of it it's one of the ones of a guy talking weird that I love to hear he says this I have no purpose to

fight i remember when they turned out winston churchill i was hardly an old man then i thought how dare they do this how dare they and he talks like that it's been so long since we've had like an honest to god like scenery chewing cunt just roll up into a scene. I love this fucking cunt so much. And so he's old. He's dying. He wants to die, in fact, because he's old. And they turfed him out of power, and now he's mad because there's an NHS and a welfare state. And if he had had five more years, he could have been doing more Tory shit or whatever.

Sort of average Conservative Party members at this point. And we see that Madame de Sala is like Lady Macbeth-ing him. She's like, don't worry, we'll give you 25 more years. And Madame de Sala is like, man, I had a crush on you when I was a child and I couldn't wait to grow up until I was old enough for us to like get together when I was 16. And I'm like, getting increasingly uncomfortable. It's not ideal, is it? I'm not an average Conservative Party member!

Um... Safeguarding issue, safeguarding issue. Whole different light going off on the other side of the command centre. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Vladimir Nabokov has logged on um and then we cut to dodo and laura lee who are sadly not having sex they're playing magic the gathering this is another transgender activity yeah exactly yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and having laura lee's like i play vampire decks all the time, like, I'm getting some

news, I might put together like a Pokemon deck, but it's really difficult because you can only get 60 cards and it's really difficult, and Dodo's like, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And having like... Put the ears on. Who amongst us has not lost twice at Magic the Gathering in order to spend more time at a hot girl's apartment? But having done so, Dodo, like, I mean, Lorelei's trying to get Dodo out of the apartment. And Dodo's like, uh, fine, will you make me a drink first? Yeah, a power move!

She's like, she's... Yeah, exactly. Fucking whiskey soda, as well. She's still fucking around. She makes the drink, she's like, killing for time. But it's increasingly clear that Lorelei wants to call Napoleon solo. And so... Olga arrives.

When she tries. Olga arrives and, like, opens the door. And I genuinely thought this was going to be, like, catching them in bed together, just in the way that it's shot. But sadly, she finds Dodo holding Lorelei at knife point. Yeah, kind of almost. Yeah. The prelude.

And then, well, for me, and then... Yeah, she's getting bitten by a dog. Now... Fucking... Oh, well done.

Well done. It was one time. One time. Oh, you get bitten by one dog and suddenly you're the dog breaker. You get bitten by one dog and suddenly you're the dog breaker! You get bitten by your hookup's dog one time, and you mention this in passing, and you never hear the end of it.

You build a thousand bridges and suck one dick, and you're a dick sucker. Not a bridge builder. Exactly, exactly. It's a shame. And so, solo calls! Indeed. With solo calls, and, and, uh, Dodo answers and is like, oh, yeah, just come over anyway, do not bring weapons. Hangs up the phone. Goes back into the room, where, um, some even more profoundly lesbian shit is happening,

in that Olga is, like, holdingl is still at knife point with like a leather gloved hand over her mouth and then proceeds to sort of like gaslight her that everything's fine while stroking her hair this is lauralee is making the the big eyes sub emoji face she's putting two fingers together she is it's a hundred fucking percent the problem with older women right is that all the older women i've ever dated have been like scrupulously nice to me and i i need the sort of gaslight murder older woman in my life that's yeah yeah yeah all the older women have been just like nothing but lovely to me it's nice but like you know sometimes here's the thing right you know that tweet that's like if you ever feel as a woman that you're too

old to be attractive you should know that every lesbian in the world would like crawl over broken glass like kiss your hand that's true however it's it's missing the point that you should then kill them yeah you have like that's the thing that we're into yeah you have to yeah mean yeah rude rude is a little bit too vindictive. You can't be doing that. You need someone who looks like Dodo, acts like Olga. Regardless. Solo rolls up.

Welcome to the horny podcast. It's like late night. We're recording pretty late in the evening. I'm high-siders down at this point. Solo rolls up. I'm still sober. I'm just like this. Let's just talk about Dodo's fucking dress's a bit hard. I'm high-siders down at this point. Like, Solo rolls up. I'm still sober. I'm just like this. Let's just talk about

Dota's fucking dress for a second here because this is the most like late 60s thing I've ever seen in my fucking life. It is difficult to look at. She looks like she's

been kicked through Picasso. Oh, fucking stop oil of bloody got to her. She's like, do you want do you want a drink? It's like, no. Do you want a coffee?. She's like, do you want a drink? He's like, no. Do you want a coffee? And he's like, yeah, fine, whatever.

She makes him the coffee, poisons the cream. She puts poison in the cream. And then as he takes the coffee, he pours a little saucer of cream for the cat. And what Solo very nearly, he damn near roofies a cat, is what he does. For real.

That's the point. It's a good thing the cat, I thought they were gonna kill the cat. Yeah. But the cat like, hisses at the sorcerer and Solo's like, wait a second, this bitch is trying to poison me. He goes to like, remonstrate with her

and Dodo is on some fucking combative shit. She's seen James Bond. Step one, day one, goes for the fucking throat. She literally, she's like, biting his hand, she bites his fucking ear. Pulls a knife on him. Yeah. Uh-huh. So we have an award around these places called the

Kaufman Star. We do. And a man wanders into this fucking scene. Just through the open door. I wrote down, I wrote down, oh hey, it's my gay cowboy room. Texan deployed. A guy walks in.

I have a drop. He walks in. He sees the fight going on and he's like, well obviously Napoleon Solo is a danger. So he just like, goes in, punches Napoleon out meanwhile like Yankee Doodle Dandy or some shit is playing in the background and then he

says to Dodo My name is Bentley ma'am from Fort Worth that's in Texas I couldn't help but hear the commotion was this fella bothering you? This guy's wearing a cowboy hat and a bowler neck tie this guy is a Quincy Morris-ass

motherfucker. And yet... He just walks in! And he's like, Dodo doesn't even think I could just leave, Dodo's like, fair enough, bye. And so what he does in that moment is he decides to do community-based, non-carceral, rehabilitative justice on Solo, who like gotten the shit kicked out of him by this woman and they've been punched in the back it's like woozy he's just like hold on give

me a second here the guy's like i can see you were an american yeah this this guy's been looking at those adverts on the tube about like if your mates sexually harass a woman you should say something and he's like he starts calling Robert Vaughn in he's like we should call the gendarmes don't you think this reflects poorly on us as tourists that's right

we as a community need to be working on it we should take Bentley as a fucking idol for how we should be approaching our boys when they're fucking up you know what goodnight cross just back-to-back characters kaufman star goodnight cross because yeah yeah if if if we ever want to make like police reform police abolition a thing we're gonna need about

a million more of this guy just like fucking wandering into the scene of what he presumes is like some kind of sexual assault punches the guy in the back of the head and then pulls him up by the collar and explains to him why he what he is doing is shameful i want to make an edit of those adverts on the tube now but instead of having like all the concerned people looking out of the view i just wanted to have the image of this guy like i'll ask her if she's okay i'll punch rob if you see something if you see something punch someone in the back of the head yeah it was weird when that shit came on on the fucking tube sorted sorted it's like one of those one of those photos of like the guy going into the like

unauthorized area but photoshopped into it is this Texan motherfucker bearing down on him. It's the same silhouette artwork, but he just has a fucking cowboy hat. See it, see it, saw it. My name is Ben. What a guy. So we have to now yank back to the 60s, right, and go to what is, frankly, almost a Bond level of dead woman cavaliers. Yeah, yeah.

Because Solo, still sort of brain-injured, stumbles into the bathroom to find that Lorelai has been drowned in the bathtub by fucking Rosa Klebb, which me and who, me and whomst, I am asking this. You can't get drowned in the bathtub we need you for podcast god damn it you can't have shit you can't have shit in this house as best I can do is bitten by a dog

and Bentley walks in to see obviously that Lorelei's been bitten by a dog and goes the dog and I are very close friends now she's nice she's just nervous it happens to the best of us i can tell because i happen to you i've been getting bitten too lately it's nothing um so i literally wrote down when when dodo like bites him like you know some people just have the manners when a beautiful woman bites them to say thank you.

But instead, he just gets punched in the back of the head like an idiot. Yeah, when a beautiful woman bites you and listens to you say thank you, mummy. That's right. The solo finds a letter from... This one is fucking horny. We're in a mood. The trans-femme moon is like... Look, this episode is going to drop into fucking mystery week between Christmas and New Year

where there are no rules. So whatever. Be as horny as you want. I'm going to be eating cheese as this drops. The last night of Dome Leave was cancelled. I was left unfulfilled. Yeah, you didn't get bitten enough. I literally did not. So Solo finds a letter from

Loralee's father saying, yo, I'm the scientist, the aging scientist, remember this? Next location is London. Come find me. Next location. He sends Bentley to go and get the cops and then just leaves. Which is the one time at which Bentley

fails at his juiciest. You should stay with that guy and send a third person to go and get the cops because otherwise what they'll do is what solo does he just leaves yeah see and that to be fair does uh restrict bentley to one scene which does give him the calfman um the good night rather uh well the calfman good night is whatever man fuck it back in london uh solo man handles a woman yeah so this is the first this is where i wrote the note.

People just be talking however the fuck they wanted in the 60s because he goes up to a gentleman's club and this is the fucking line he hears. A nurse is trying to get in and she goes, We do not allow female persons on the premises. I am not a female person. I am a registered nurse. You could just talk however the fuck you wanted in the 60s.

You could do whatever you wanted to. Question mark Irish? Question mark posh scottish my notes say this is from the era where it was widely believed that scottish people were a kind of orc yes still is um but also these kind of gentlemen clubs that don't allow women onto the premises as far as i know still exist oh yeah like and became you know like we're only seriously confronted like five years ago and even then um so yeah she's trying to get into like whites or whatever to give this old cunt his medicine um and and the the doorman goes like you're an adult an adult human female oh human female I am not a female person.

You don't have sex-based rights yet. This is a fucking XY only space. Meanwhile, there are like thousands of trans women walking through the door. That's right. The thing is, trans women, we love to hang out in the drawing room with boodles we love to do it and like whenever anyone questions us we're like you know guess what

check my fucking chromosomes I'm allowed to be in boodles I'm allowed to be in whites I don't think I've ever told you guys this story I don't think I've told it on the podcast on the day that I realised I was transgender I was like okay I'm gonna start transitioning the day after tomorrow tomorrow i'm gonna do all the things that like i can only do whilst people believe that i'm a man

um so i like and you went on hajj which was very yeah yeah i put it well i put on a suit and tie i like went out this is like an unaccompanied man i did sort of various things with some lovely people um and uh i also um i went out to one of these clubs i pulled some strings and i got into did sort of various things with some lovely people. And I also, I went out to one of these clubs, I pulled some strings and I got into one of these clubs where they don't allow women in. And I had a fucking fabulous steak dinner. And it was really,

really nice. And I was sitting there the whole time and be like, well, no one could say I didn't drive my masculinity till the wheels fell off. Like it was a really nice way to say goodbye and good luck. Thank you very much for having me. I'm out. So yeah.

That's lovely. Isn't that nice? Yeah, it was nice actually i was like you know what there's some things that are good i'm gonna weigh the guy i went to a swimming pool too it's good nice so so solo because he's a gentleman and because like this kind of like gentleman's club shit is presented as being old-fashioned and ridiculous and this nurse gets the the opportunity to say like you know i wouldn't i wouldn't be introduced to a man who only meets his mother on the outside or whatever um uh and that's like her sort of girl boss moment he offers to take this medication in um because he's looking for for scientists anyway um and and so he he goes in. Inside, Sir Norman is meeting Lancer, the age scientist. And he is, he is in fact younger. And Sir Norman has to ask him a bunch of questions to verify his ID.

He's like, you know, what's your mother's maiden name? Like, what is the Bridge of Lions? And he's like, oh, it's our secret chess playing bullshit society. But then Olga sneaks in. Sees Solo and gets clocked. the bridge of lions he's like oh it's our secret chess playing bullshit society um yeah but then olga olga sneaks in uh sees solo oh yeah the doorman the doorman gets a fucking line good heavens a woman and then she responds to that the the only way you can pulling a gun and shooting the nearest dude um yeah and so she she kills lancer. Yeah, takes him out! Solo gives chase, we get a car chase through the streets of London which looks

like absolute shit. London looks terrible, she's driving a very early model of Morgan, I believe. And he chases her into the back entrance of a theatre, which is, yeah, implausible enough for central London. Yeah, especially around Soho there's a few around there yeah I've heard of this and so

fucking they have a very jaunty shootout they do Dodo literally reenacts the Phil Collins tweet and turns a spotlight on someone and tracks him I literally wrote, spotlight tracks me as I head for exit.

So did I! It's like a genuinely formative thing. If you're not familiar with the tweet, it is Phil Collins on stage and here tonight is the person who inspired my next song, Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilets. Spotlight tracks me as I head for exit.

It's a perfect way to do it. They fight, and Solo kicks Dodo, he's physically violent towards her, and then Olga accidentally shoots her. Yeah, on Dodo's demand, she's like, shoot this cunt already.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love Dodo. He misses her, shoots Dodo, who like falls off of the thing and dies, and we get to Bond level of blasé, sort of, dead woman stuff, number two. Yeah. He's like, oh yeah. Solo does at least, we get a shot where he's like, ah, that didn't even happen. And Olga gets away. Yes. So Solo has seen Lancer with Swickert, so he goes to Swickert's country estate, where he encounters Mongofo, once again. I don't think this guy ever gets a name.

He probably does, hasn't he. I probably just go down as Domongo-butt. Yeah, and he does some classic big guy shit. Yeah, this is good. Solo drives in. This is like Man From U.N.C.L.E. in a microcosm to me, I really like this scene. It's a perfect scene to me, yeah. He drives up, and the guy goes we're closed

to help you get back out of the location what i'm going to do is i'm going to pick up your car walk around turn your whole car 180 degrees because solo is driving um a beautiful cherry red mg convertible actually um and these cars are very very small and he just like picks it up by the front bumper and like rotates it around and it's like, right, off you go. And Solo just puts it in reverse and reverses into the driveway. Yes, it's really funny. Yeah, I loved it.

Which gives me two notes. First of all, it just rotates your car. And the second is, having defeated the doorman's riddle, Solo is permitted entry. Yeah, he doesn't chase him. He doesn't follow him at all. He's just like, well, you got me. At this point, I'd like to take a a second because i think this is the last uncle film that cal boulder is in i want to just talk about him very slightly i ended up looking up this guy's um

biography right and he he's he is a classic of the genre he was born in 1931 in kansas a middle child of six he's called earl at birth he uh he fucking got to university on a football scholarship he served in korea got a purple heart things like this he then joined the lapd and in 1959 he issued a traffic violation uh citation to a hollywood agent who then did something that like you could only do in like the late 50s where this guy was just like tell you what chap you're fucking massive would you like to be in movies what kind of level of being an agent do you have to be to street cast a cop who pulls you over that's amazing 6'4 260 pounds

52 inch chest 32 inch waist and this guy was like hey fuck being a cop man would you like to be in movies and you know what guys just don't get cast like this anymore we don't have roving agents in the streets looking for the biggest guys they can see it's fucked up

sadly not return with a v to this yeah to this kind of shit yeah um so so like a white heart like arthur um he talks to talks to sir norman who is like obviously evasive um and he he asks him hey was the guy you were talking to lancer are Are you prepared to swear on your word of honour as an Englishman? Because this movie has an old-fashioned conception of English gentleman-ness, he answers him with a doctrine of mental reservation, almost. He's like, ah, well, he wasn't the same man, but I'm gonna phrase that in a way that I'm technically telling you the truth.

Yeah, he kind of crypt it yeah where's lancer now he's like dead just like the guy i was talking he also says what is the bridge of lions and so norman says well 30 million people died in world war one pointlessly because of a breakdown in communication so i started like a discord for world leaders basically yes based on chess a chess group chat for the boys. Called the Bridge of Lions. Why do you make a bridge out of lions? Not important. And so Solo drives away, and he calls Wanda.

Wanda is still, much like the two of us, atrociously horny. She is trying to open Channel D, and he's like, asking her about, like, well he's briefing her about what he's done. He's like, well, I'm not quite sure what to do next. And at this point, his car gets incredibly sabotaged, because the fucking, the butler's revenge, what he has done is like, unsecured all four wheels of his car it's really we get an incredible face an incredible robert vaughn face which i this one i want to make the episode out where he just like is reacting to his car falling apart around he looks like he's

nutting then um but just like the drill tweet before this happens Wanda tells Him some crucial information She says that Lancer is dead But Lancer had an assistant Professor Gritsky Who was helping him with his Hormone research We fucking got him

That's why he looks younger It's the estrogen Transgender moment Hormone research And Hormone research. And then, basically over the rest of this movie, Solo has as much difficulty trying to find a hormone expert as anyone else in Britain. But before that, his car gets sabotaged. By the NHS.

Yeah, that's right. And we very much like the drill tweet. Ah, fuck. I, that's right. And I very much like the drill tweet. Ah, fuck. I wrote this down too. Smoke clears, lying completely dead on the ground. Oh, they're gonna put us down. They're gonna kill us. This is like a

tweet I saw. The most boring person on earth quoted. I'm trying my best here. Yeah, we've done it twice in this episode now. And then the villain of the film appears yeah fucking evil delboy arrives on the fucking screen a man by the name of

jordine I love jordine jordine spends the whole movie like clowning on every other spy he is a better spy than anyone here he like picks up the little microphone and he's like,

yes, is this Channel D? Your guy has been knocked unconscious through some kind of clown car based shenanigans. And then everyone at Uncle takes turns introducing themselves to him, including Mr. Waverly. The comm sec in this

are trojans. Everyone on this call wins the brian cox everyone's like you a spy yes are you a spy yes all right now especially especially jordine who had he not told waverly his name would have won in the end yeah he tells him how to spell it he's like jordine j-o-r-d-i-n i'm in the business of being a thrush agent Nice to meet you Anyway I'm gonna I guess kidnap Solo now So see you bye No he doesn't do that

He literally just leaves He's just like Hey your boy is about Three miles south of Little Dipshittingham That's basically what they said I think they made up a place, Little Dipshittingham or whatever. That's basically what they said. I think they made up a place name. Little Dipshittingham.

It's kind of a gentlemanly thing to do that he's like, your boy's been in a car crash, he's injured, I'm evil. But, you know, not that evil. We then catch up with Elia, who is still following cats around Soho. Yeah, Elia's still chasing pussy around Soho. We've all been there, man. It's just, it's all right. He walks past, like, a hat that is placed on, like, a railing,

goes into a house, and finds a bunch of cats, including his cat, his cat girl, his kitten, which has been de-aged problematically. And also has changed colour. Yeah, it's now an orange cat. It's like a tabby. And he's like, what the fuck? I don't know what this means.

I'm going to go upstairs, find Mr. Cat Bounty guy dead. Completely dead. Stabbed with a hat pin. And this lodges in Ilya's brain to the point that he says, hat pin. He just says it like four times in the scene. I'm just like, all right, man. I understand. Then a guy comes in.

They have a faux shootout. It's clearly Solo. And you're like, they sort of tease you with the reveal of that for too long. And they nearly kill each other. Solo's like, how's it going, man? And Kuri Akins says, hat pin. Yeah, Kuri Akins says someone here is experimenting. Someone's here stealing cats and experimenting on them happen

and solo solo says um did you know that cats are the most similar animal to humans and i was like pretty sure they're not actually we got a fascinating line from um ilia who says something along the lines of uh but he only collected cats where did these kittens come from and it's like oh sit down mate don't worry i, I'll explain this one to you. Kittens are a kind of cat. Kittens are a kind of cat. They result, actually, from getting too many cats together in one place.

Solo says that somebody's experimenting on these cats because they're so similar to humans. And I'm like, are you aware of apes? Are you aware of apes? No, they hadn't figured out that rhesus monkeys were a valid testing subject at this point. They were just doing chimps. What about the chimps?

At this point, he goes, hat, one more time, and remembers that he's just seen a hat. And he looks in that hat, and it's a fucking De Sala hat. And he's like, oh, hat pin. Jordine, by the way, is listening in on them. Jordine's followed them. Yes. And so Norman is getting fucking estrogenized he's getting retinoids he's looking great in the machine that makes you transgender and then much

like me after five years trying to like take hrt to become like a femboy twink motor uh they open up to the thing and madame de sala goes there is no change there is no change it's very upsetting i know um and this this professor gritsky just explains hormones to her and he's like yeah no it takes a fucking minute you know you can't be expecting shit overnight body's like changing itself yeah i mean fuck sorry that was the wrong one led to the back meanwhile Sir Norman is like still boy moding

on his YouTube channel and people are like his skin's looking real good like what's like losing weight maybe like starting to look

a bit different I suppose you're dressing as a woman much more often Norman I don't know it's a strange thing to be doing

I am not a female person Solo and Elia try and break in the Scottish question mark nurse sees them I am not a female person. Solo and Elia try and break in. The Scottish, question mark, nurse sees them. Impossible to know. The Mongo Butler knocks them out. And they get put in a hydraulic wine press. Yeah, they do.

This is some Hitman behavior shit. I also wrote down Hitman. He's trying very hard to get the environmental care. maybe there should only be one of us on this podcast such similar bits of the fucking same bit we're converging because we're becoming better friends we're operating as one that's right um so they put them in a wine press and then they fuck off and um then jordy and snakes in a jordian saves them yeah off. And then Jordin sneaks in and Jordin saves them. Yeah, fucking Delboy wanders in and gives them a little... They brace the wine press just enough not to get crushed.

And then Jordin rescues them. But just playing off of, like, instant bad vibes, Solo goes, Oh, yeah, my friend's dead. Kuriakun, he fucking bought it of, like, stress a minute ago. Yeah, no, it's really fucking funny. He's just like, oh yeah, he was too scared, he died. And then, like, a second later, Kuriakun's like, alright, next time you fucking, you get to play dead,

I'm gonna pick the cause. Kuriakun is great at improv, because, like, he immediately goes along with this. He gets it immediately, and he's, like, playing dead perfectly. And Jordin then develops a series of techniques to try and avoid getting his ass kicked by Solo, which I really like, they're really funny. You remember how in noir movies, you couldn't hit a guy if another guy pulled your coat

down slightly over your shoulders, and that paralyzed you? He essentially does that, he's like, take off one shoe, and then sit on your hands, palms facing upwards. And so I was like, wait a second, this shit actually works! Which I really quite like. Yeah, he's like, I'll have to remember this one shoe bit. Yeah, I'm slightly off balance, and it's quite difficult for me to get up. That's clever.

And Jordin very politely introduces himself, he's like, Jordin, J-O-R-D-I-N, I'm from Thrush, I'm trying to figure out this whole... T-H-R-U-S-H. Yeah. Trying to figure out this whole uncle, U-N-C-L-E thing, so please explain to me the plot of this movie. And right as he's about to, Ilya hits him with a fucking smoke bomb. First gas deployed in this movie.

Yes. I really like the- it's like a money clip thing. And Kuryakin gets out and he says, oh by the way, it's also a bomb, and throws it at a wall for no reason, where it explodes. And this is the first of, frankly, a bizarre number of bombs that we find out that uncle agents are just carrying on them. This is such good rapport between the two boys.

It's just so nice to see. Yeah, yeah, it's great. Jordine escapes. We keep seeing them taking airline flights and they're just carrying a shitload of bombs you can trigger like that. Yeah, you can do that in the 60s. It was fine. You could do fucking anything in an airport before 9-11 this is a maxim that we've come back to several times airports were like international waters until 2001 um you could do 9-11 once you could only once only once um

so so norman has now been successfully transgendered he looks like 20 years younger he returns to politics and everyone's like, oh, yes, I'll be back. He attributes this to wife magic. He does, yeah. You all see me as the way my wife does. So I've been getting that incredible

wife pussy. And of course he's agreed to marry Desala. Everyone's like, you're glowing, you're doing really good then he's like thanks I've just been like busting every night um but Solo and Elliot meet him and they're like yo where's Gritsky where's the scientist and he's like oh I don't know

any scientists it's just this fucking S tier pussy I've been getting that's why I feel so great he's he's he's one of those sort of like femboy influences who's like no I just look like this you know just lucky I guess just jeans yeah um you're not gonna get me to name any names soon your tits will reveal your secret we're not recording right now

just go ahead and I'll come to mind I can say or bleep it in fact bleep it you know what bleep that name with the die hard incorrect buzzer noise. Just give me the, um, uh, fucking...

Yeah, thank you. And then leave the entire discussion that we've just had in, including that little pause. Thank you. Yeah. This is podcasting on fucking S-tier shit. I have access to privileged information that I am not going to share on the podcast. So Solo and Kuriakun talk about this, and they're like, well, where the fuck's the scientist?

And then they realize that Jordin, J-O-R-D-I-N, is probably listening in on them with a bug BUG from a van, V-A-N, outside. He is, quite literally, spinning the antenna on his radar van there is a detective van parked outside the window and we get this perfect shot of him it like listening in the van and it's so close to being chill lo-fi jordine beats to relax and chill too it's perfect yeah we'll post it on this he's doing like lo-fi girl shit like he's writing a little notebook. There's an orange cat. Yes. Yeah. And they try and like prank him by whistling into the bug,

but he's like too smart for them. He's already taken the headphones off. So you don't even get the like lives of others moment where it's like loud in the headphones. And Jordine and Thrush, they are ahead of the boys. They catch up to Gritsky. They kill Olga,

RIP. And Solo and Elia. Feminism defeated. Solo and Elia try and jump in to save them but Thrush get away they get Gritsky they do I don't remember what's happening my next note is I'm losing the pace

like a lot of Uncle Films it kind of goes off the Reagan the third act Jordan continues to drive the plot because he calls up Madame de Salle and is like, yo, I've got your I've got your, you know, endocrine specialist right here. Yes.

We should meet up. And she's like, oh no. She allows herself to go and be blackmailed. And this is an interesting it's a more it's an unusually mature

sort of more specter-like Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it's like instead of bear in mind this is the same operation the same like group that perpetrated

Operation Robot where they tried perpetrated Operation Robot. Where they tried to kill Kuri Akin with a couple of, Operation Robots, with a couple of little, sort of like, yay-hi robots. Instead, they're now like, we're going to use your guy as the hidden hand. We're going to be like, we're going to tell you what to do, you're going to tell him what to do. There's going to be like two layers of cutouts, no one's going to know. him what to do no one's there's gonna be like two layers of cutouts no one's gonna know um so elia has managed to get a listening device into madame de sala's purse so they overhear this um and back at the house solo and the uh irish scottish nurse are also listening in um and uh sir norman is meant to be asleep he's not hearing this and we get we get this moment where where

madame de sala agrees to betray Sir Norman, her husband, and Nurse Sweet straight up says, Damn, if I learned my wife was betraying me to Thrush, I'd just fucking kill myself. It's also, she's also the only person to really question Solo's methods ever. She's like, man, this is kind of fucked up. You keep breaking in the house and shit like that. We see that Sir Norman is really upset by the revelation that his wife, who is suspiciously younger than him,

and giving him everything he wants, might questionably be manipulating him. It's like, what do you think is going to happen? Do you think she really liked you? Of course, Solo gets captured again by Jordine. And Jordine is a man of proven tactics. And he's like, guess what, you're going back in the wine press that we all love, you already escaped from it once, we're not doing it a

second time, you're going back in the wine press until we figure out what to do with you. And then, he confronts the scientist, Gritsky, and threatens in, like, a fantastic way to have him replaced. He says, With a small additional effort, it should be possible to replace you with a computer. I really am a computer. Yeah, right, cunt.

Yeah, fucking right. Computer. Computer. Computer. I find a computer indispensable. Truly. I find a computer indispensable. Soon they're going to be able to replace me with a fucking computer by being like this is like a drill tweet

that I saw one time but um Gritsky's having second thoughts basically is the upshot of this scene it's like oh I don't know should we be doing this um there's a big meeting that evening between Sir Norman and all the other lads in his world leader discord and also Waverly is here now

yeah Waverly gets to do some shit yeah so well two things happen in quick succession right first of all we see sir norman preparing to be like de-aged some more uh and it's like we see it's like straining on his heart it's not easy and gritsky warns him if you do too much of this it'll be like dating alice you'll end up as a boy well done alice's partner's after two dates i am not a female person it's fun that they do that to you on day two especially after the dog bites you on day one It's a difficult life you lead, true

It is I'm just a girl looking at the world asking for an older woman to drown me in a bathtub and instead I get a parade of they, thems and he, hims who are relentlessly nice to me I really and a dog The doglessly nice to me. I really...

And a dog that... The dog's nice to you now, though. You're on good terms with the dog. I am on good terms. We've mended fences, yeah. But so... But so... It's becoming clear that you're like,

you've told us too much about your personal life. Yes, yeah. So Norman then goes, hey, you know what? clear that you're like you've told us too much about your personal life yes yeah so norman so norman then goes hey you know what i'm gonna work this so that thrush don't get what they want and also you should kill yourself he does he's just like probably like hey man just just letting you know this is not like you know i'm not biased or anything i'm just telling you like the best thing for you to do right now everyone in the group yourself. It's everyone in the group chat when I say something. It's just like, hey, you know what, I said this-

That is not true, listeners. You should kill yourself. Literally not true. Which group chat can't tell me names? Listeners, this is not true. We are very supportive of the group chat. We may text each other transphobic slurs every so often. That's true. We've never honestly advised each other. Yeah. Waverly- Like, very-

Yeah, yeah. Waverly flexes on Jordine Jordine stops the scientist from killing himself by taking the bullets out of the gun but leaving him the gun which is a weird flex then goes upstairs to meet Waverly and Waverly just spends

10 minutes like clowning on Jordine Waverly just fucking owns Jordine repeatedly yeah cause Jordine is like trying to do the goody yeah waverly just fucking owns jordy and repeatedly yeah because jordy is like trying to do the like a good evening mr waverly now you are my prisoner and waverly's just like nope dumb dipshit fuck you you think you're a spy and like gives him his gun my umbrella yeah my umbrella has a lighter on the end of it no he's just like jordy puts a cigarette in his

mouth and like waverly just like you should have taken my umbrella off me and lights it with a cigarette. It's like, pointless. It's so fucking funny but I'm glad that Waverly gets some fucking licks in. He's just like, look man,

if you were a real fucking gentleman spy you would have at least let me take my coat off first. And also, you left me with, and he goes, I apologise.

And you left me with a fucking umbrella. He can hide anything in an umbrella and then lights a cigarette for him with it. And it's just like, alright, you're going in the fucking wine press, old man. Shut up.

Shut up, you old cunt. Get in the wine press. Get in the fucking wine press. He is just stashing motherfuckers in the wine press. Yeah, he's not pressing them at this point. He's just like putting them in the fucking wine press. That was his plan all along. Because when they get in the wine press, Waverly takes off his bow tie

and it's full of fucking deck cord. What is happening? I was going to say, he introduces the name of my new favourite hardcore band, Deck Cord Necktie. He's just got a ring of this just in his fucking tie. Make me a Deck Cord Necktie poster immediately, please.

That'll be the first bit of man from uncle merch we sell oh fuck that's a good idea the first bit of it has to be the t-shirt of a musli because he would sleep then we get the opening act for deck cord necktie which is explosive shirt buttons

how many bombs are these cunts carrying in their suits? Every fucking thing they have on their goddamn outfit is some sort of explosive. Fucking Uncle Agent lighting a cigarette on a plane and going up like fucking Hiroshima. Yeah, that's why it's the cigarette that kills you instantly. It sets off your fucking Tannerite shirt shirt button or your cufflinks or your deck cord shoelaces cyanide cigarettes like everything never go near an they've got like asbestos like fucking wing tips like it's like accidentally a quite cogent

criticism of like the sort of espionage state like everything about this person is tainted with a death but so they explode their way out of the out of the wine press kuriakin shows up he uses his explosive shirt buttons to explode their way out of the thing fights and defeats a domongo butler yeah fucking elia just handles cow boulder like it's no fucking worries for him leapfrogs over him, over the fence uses him to stay on the fucking wall easy game and then at this point

right we go up to the reception my notes start to fall apart at this point so Norman is like I'm actually being used by and then fucking Jordin kills him. Spectre, Spectre this strike. Except, yeah, except His life is saved because his- Madame La Scala

Redeems herself by sacrificing her life and her power for a man Yes! She was like, You know, I'm gonna get what men have, I'm gonna have power, and then she gives up power and herself in order to save an old dude who is like, sort of visibly grieved by this. She does have quite a nice line though, where she says, are you surprised, Norman? So am I.

Gritsky de-ages himself, he turns himself into a boy, and then he's literally like he's a kid with a fake moustache, I really like that. What the fuck was that?! It's so dumb. He kills himself by turning himself into a child with a moustache. So then, Jordin corners Solo and Kuriakin in the basement next to the transgenderfication machine, and he's like, right, hand me me the notes which kuriakin does they're written in code um and then jordine tried like tries to destroy the transgendification machine by hitting it one time which causes it to explode killing him

it's sort of a safety issue i would say yeah you gotta it's legal from the hit at the one time the once again we're on a second fucking man from uncle episode where the bad guy just like kills himself accidentally yeah because kurokan does try and warn him kurokan says i wouldn't do that if i were you and he hits the machine it blows up and then kurokan goes gritsky booby trap the machine said so it is notes which we later find out are in code so how did you read that yeah it's also solo response to this in a sort of inexplicable bad Scottish accent where he's like would have been nice if you'd told me laddie

it's like what huh I love Solo's weird fucking accents though he does this earlier with um what's his cunt my name is Bentley ma'am he does it with Bentley

because Bentley's like I'm gonna have to call the gendarmes on you. And when they find the fucking body of a woman, it's just like, why don't you go and call the gendarmes? The gendemes, yeah. And then the final scene. First, before that, we get a great Kuriakun line, which is, at least you won't have to worry about getting any older it's a good line it's funny it should have ended on that because then then the final scene is uh solo and kuriakun bizarre bring the notebook to m and go it's all

in code so we don't know how to do the rejuvenation transgender vacation machine maybe someday we'll manage to decode this and m just goes i'm too much of an old cun, I'll be dead by then. Filmance! Yes! Literally, he's like, Kuriakun goes, it's like, well, they decoded Da Vinci's things in about 300 years, so any day now. And Waverly literally goes, uh, my age, I'll be dead long before then.

Uplifting music! Da da da! Da da da! Huh? Wait a minute! What? Oh, the cold hand of death comes for us all Wait a minute Huh?

What? Time is the enemy That's it, that's the movie We have a science based System on this podcast I do have one question Before we get into the scum though which of the spies was the spy

that is missing not again fuck like Solo gets in the car crash but then someone just tells them where he is and he's not missing because he's looking for cats none of the spies are missing

no because they know where he is because they say he's cats? None of the spies are missing No because they know where he is Because they say he's in Soho There's no spy missing It's adapted from the Uncle episodes The Bridge of Lions affair Wait shit I've got it None of our spies is missing No this is the thing

The spy who's missing isn't in the movie Because he's fucking missing He just happens to also be missing Unconnected One of our spies damn this would be a very different movie if there was another spy here but you can't yeah at that point that would be to my mind it would be one spy too many at that point um well done well done wait so wait so the spy in this movie is who's missing is the one italian guy from One Spy Too Many. That's right.

I think the next one was called The Helicopter Spies. And I'm pretty sure it's going to be Spy in the Green Hat, which could fucking have been Olga. One character who's iconically in a green hat the entire fucking movie. If there's no Spy in a Green Hat in The Spy in a Green Hat. There's going to be no hats at all. There's no spy in a green hat in The Spy in a Green Hat, I... There's no fuck not. Suspective hatless repeat hatless. Genuinely on some police squad shit

where it's like the title just has nothing to do with it. Just nothing to fucking do with it. We have a science-based system on this podcast. It's called the SCUM spectrum. It stands for Smarm, Cultural Inception,

Unproven Violence, and Misogyny. How smarmy is this movie? I mean... It looks slightly less than usual for Uncle. Yeah. cultural and sepsis and misogyny how smarmy is this movie um i mean it's slightly less than usual for uncle yeah

yeah i mean like i can't think of any particularly smarmy lines aside from when he's like

the jindim or whatever over the body of a dead woman yeah which is sort of moderately

smarmy uh also i missed a drop of gritsky saying hormone creams it's pretty good yeah just if anyone needed that that's useful um Which is sort of moderately smarmy. Also, I missed a drop of Gritsky saying, It's pretty good. That's useful.

I would put this as like a three or a four. Yeah, it's not super smarmy. This is, again, more sensible, for want of a better word. Cultural insensitivity. What do we think? Are there any people of color in this film there's no not to my knowledge not to my recollection and as always

major things it's maybe like slightly stereotypical about texans i don't care but if it is that's in texas in tex Texas I feel like it definitely it's the all white cast especially given the other films have gone out of their way to kind of correct that

I feel like it's kind of scattered a few points that's true it's true is that two? two again alright cool

um unprovoked violence unprovoked violence I mean there's a guy getting told to kill himself but it's like sort of honorably

uncle again uncle's pretty good about unprovoked violence. Like, Uncle's kind of fine with it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm struggling to think of any violence that we're supposed to kind of accept. One? Yeah, one. Jesus Christ. I mean, it's everything to play for here, because at the moment it's not doing well.

We're all counting on you. Thankfully. There's a lot of women in this movie, and they're treated interestingly, so let's just crack it on. Feminism cancelled. So we get a couple of responses to the idea that feminism exists in the world in 1966, in that we get like, gentleman's clubs which are portrayed as stuffy and ridiculous, and this nurse who is quite competent and is offended by this, and she's a good character, she's like, you know, offended by this and she's you know she's a good character she's like you know offended by this that's that's fine however we also get the feminism that makes you evil uh

which is when you start wanting power instead of just to like do your job um and and that you know gets you to the point where you drown women in bathtubs and things of this nature um however you can redeem yourself if you allow yourself to be killed for a man. Yes. It kind of reminds me a little bit of the first man from Uncle Phil where she's like, oh, I like being a free woman,

but now I'm going to go back to my family. Wasn't that fun? It's not as depressing as that, but it's like, yeah, it's still grim. I would give this comfortably a five or a six, I would say. I could go five. Dev? Yeah. I mean give this comfortably a 5 or a 6, I would say. I could go 5. Dev? Yeah. I mean, once again, I

just listen to women in this segment, as ever. 5 it is. That gives it a total score of 11, which is the best uncle so far, is pretty damn good. I mean, the best films we've ever seen are still View to a Kill, and oh no, I'm terribly sorry, the best film we've ever

seen is The Bourne Identity with six. Yeah it was pretty good but as far as like you know mainline episodes go 11 is pretty solid actually. Yeah I'm quite impressed. Better than almost every Bond. I tell you what I enjoyed watching this movie because

it is ridiculous. I had a good time because it was so stupid. In fact, it is better than every Bond film except for You to a Kill. Sounds about right, to be honest. I had fun watching this film. Yeah, me too. And the next Man from U.N.C.L.E. movie is, as we have said, The Spy in the Green Hat.

And it fucking better have a spy in a green hat. Alice and I will try to control ourselves. We'll both try to be bitten by dogs and or hot women in the meantime. That's such a real fuck off. Maybe we should pull that out. We are under control. We'll leave that in. I'm so genuine.

The problem is, my interpersonal life is quite boring and abbeys we can't discuss because it would give too many people too much ammunition. Yeah, whereas mine genuinely is quite... Yeah, stuff happens to me, and unfortunately sometimes that stuff is good fodder for a comedy podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, we know who we're awarding a Good Night Cross, and a fucking Oldman medal medal and a Kaufman star for this, so it's sort of like laden

down with accolades Like a fucking Soviet general That's right Happy New Year from the Kill James Bond podcast We will see you in the new year 2023, the future zone And it's worth noting here at the end of this episode, the first

episode of next year will actually be our 100th episode. Hey! And we have something in store for you guys for that one. Do we? I've got a little plan. Tune in. I don't know about that. Cut a mic.

At a point in the future. at a point in the future thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond I don't know which one though because we are banking these episodes as we're going away on holiday variously, the three of us

throughout the month of December which means that you will not get a fresh and new jazz outro every time you will get this one uh for all three episodes um that are yet to be released in december so let's crack on so this isn't too annoying to listen to three times our 15 pounds and above patrons are... library hitman kallen bernie max game and heart jonathan gurdais jack drummond hell kit divine lysomache jay martindale jonathan siegel big titty goth girl tarp o george rohack mothman harrison fuller trip violet cyber alex l plus liz nash doing well in florida sorry you brits are freezing your asses off we don't have heating bills so have some dosh uh paint mccalla a trans Thank you.

Kill James Bond is, of course, Alice, Abigail and Devin. Our producer is the wonderful Nate Bethea. Our podcast art is by Matty Lubchansky and our website is by Tom Allen. See ya.