Upstream - S2E20: Return of the Man from UNCLE: The Fifteen Years Later Affair

Episode Date: March 16, 2023

It's fifteen years after the events of the previous film. Napoleon Solo has developed a James Bond inferiority complex (and 500 liver spots) and is playing mid-stakes poker games at 2pm on a weekday. Ilya Kuryakin looks absolutely identical and has opened up a fashion brand catering for stacked 10/10 transgender baddies. The last of the old-school Gay-coded villains laments the modern age. ------ Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ *WEB DESIGN ALERT*  Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/   Kill James Bond is hosted by Alice Caldwell-Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com and https://twitter.com/killjamesbond    

I'm your new uncle. Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. I am Alice Caldwell-Kelly. I am joined, as always, by my friends Abigail Thorne and Devin. Hey! How we doing? I just want to interrupt immediately and say on the Zencaster just now,

Abby was rearranging her camera and I got a perfect view of what it must be like to be throttled to death by Abigail Thorne. A little creeps for the viewers. Some people would pay good money for that. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, I'm sure they would.

That's the highest Patreon tier, listeners. Yeah, you come to their house and you, like, throttle them to death. Perfect. We're so nearly done with The Man From U.N.C.L.E. This is our last one from, like, the OG Man From U.N.C.L.E. It's sad. I know, I know. I got quite wistful about this.

We're watching the made-for-TV movie, and this is incredibly awkwardly titled, Return of the Man From U.N.C.L.E. The 15 Years Later Affair. CBS got everybody back apart from Mr. Waverly, because when he said at the end of one of the movies, oh, I guess I'll die soon, he was right and he died in between this being made and the last one that we saw The Seven Wonders, whatever it was

15 years is a long window to die in Hell, 15 years from now I might be dead who knows I thought you were convinced that you were going to go out like Hobgadling and never experience death It's 50-50 I'm either going to live forever or burn out by age 35 i mean i think when you think about it dying is 50 50 and that you you die or you don't those are sort of fairly definite states okay i don't think i don't think

the lone and level sands will ever stretch away oh my this statue gonna be there forever baby yeah it's not just gonna be two trunkless legs you know this trunk very securely attached to the legs these legs are like my pride and joy so fair enough if the statue maybe the statue of me was just my legs and then like i just stopped there i was like i'm done yeah i didn't think about that it's just like leg yeah face on the ground just so that people could see what i looked like and then just look at the legs. In your sort of like sneer of cold command. Yeah, absolutely. My famous sneer of cold command. Yeah, yeah, I read it well.

We're such fucking like private school fucking nerds. I know, we are twats. No. No, I meant... Two thirds of us are such like fucking posh culture twats. I mean, I just... I'm marinated in it, that's the thing. We return to it.

We are our civiades. The man from Uncle is our eupolis. And we're the worst. But this movie starts with like a... It's like a sort of... No, don't tell me about it. Fucking tea, fuck you. I never want to be told about a classical reference

during a podcast this is a problem every time I'm on one with Milo as well because he keeps making them and I go I don't get it and he tries to tell me about them and I'm like no no no we already told you but you bathed in the waters of Lethe someone's going to tell me the Euclid thing is like not a correct pull and then I'm going to fucking kill myself

don't worry Alice Uday is heck on Hamart today! If anyone wants to start a DUMMA podcast with me, feel free to let me know. Yeah, you can start Jock Zone. This movie starts with like a ten minute credit sequence, in which we are introduced to every single actor and character in it. And this has a number of great pulls. The first one of which is, looking exactly like Keir Starmer, Patrick McNee, from the fucking Avengers. Because, as we've said, Leo Carroll died, and this is his replacement.

This is your new uncle, Mr. Waverly. Oh, no, not that Avengers, the other one. Oh. Yeah, the other other one. Right, right, Mr. Waverly. Oh, no, not that Avengers. The other one. Oh. Yeah, the other, other one. Right, right, right. Old-ass Patrick McNeil in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I mean, he'll probably be in it at some point, but yeah. The 60s Avengers.

The one with the guy with the umbrella and the sexy woman in the catsuit. Yeah, exactly. We've also got our boy, George Lazenby, as JB. Yeah, we do be having a George Lazenby in this episode. It's true. Going back for more sort of like old Lazenby. Because this is 1993. So when I saw him, I was like, he looks weird.

Why doesn't he look like George Lazenby? And then I realized, oh, he's not jacked anymore. In Man From Hong Kong, when he's in his jacked mustache era he looks great and now i'm just like what the fuck happened like oh and there's there's one more pull that i want to make here which is anthony zerber is playing the bad guy in this and if you don't know who that is let me explain to you with a drop i don't like finger me that guy milton crest from license to kill yeah he's back in this movie back huh yeah so we begin with a shot of an even tackier version of the specter ring uh this is like um like a sort of emerald ring with a lightning bolt sort of like

applied to it looks like absolute shit yeah well so why did thrush have this as their logo when as we see later on they also have a thrush as their logo brand confusion yeah a lot of a lot of companies didn't adapt to the 1980s well as we're about to find out thrush is one of them um but these are agents of thrush listening in to the conversation the radio conversation going on between like a b-52 bomber and i guess an airfield and the vibe off of this conversation is make sure you keep it gentle i'll do that it's sensuous you know you'll win anytime over yeah yeah do you think that they ever explored each other's bodies they don't get the time every single piloting pair has always explored each other's bodies. That's why they call it the cockpit. That's right.

At least if you remember to call it the cockpit. That's why they call it the pilot cabinet. It's being classic again. Pilots washing each other's hair, polishing each other's armor. They don't get a chance because this sort of

control panel being operated by a guy in a powder blue turtleneck is manipulated to, like, crash their aircraft remotely. And Mr. Powder Blue Turtleneck goes, and there you go, Thrush is now a nuclear power. Cool line. Has nuclear weapons now. It is cool. I've already seen this plot two times on this podcast yeah at which point we cut to we cut to sort of the newer meaner uncle interviewing a guy in prison they're doing sort of like hannibal

before before that movie came out i love kowalski i love i love the actor playing kowalski what if instead of like urbane, charming, sophisticated guys, we had like New York City cops were Uncle Now? Yeah. I like this as a choice. I'm not, the performance is like just slightly out of beat with every other actor in it. Cause he's like just slightly too like, yeah. But I feel like this actor's having fun and like, you know,

doing cool shit. He's making choices. This guy Kowalski, who's sort of like, in order to demonstrate that he's the new mean uncle, he's interviewing this like old thrush mastermind trying to get more information out of him like years later. And this is Justin Severin, who is, you know, fucking Anthony Zerba from License to Kill. And Severin's whole thing is like, man, they're really not sending their best anymore. You know, back in the day, he used to be able to talk about atrocious mixed drinks with these guys, but instead they're just sending morons now, and no one's even gay anymore,

and it really sort of annoys me. And yeah, so he sort of has this very urbane way of speaking which really irritates kowalski he says he says he knows nothing about thrush he's like no don't know anything about it never heard of it well he said he said he says oh you mean the um like the small passerine bird in the genus tortoise yeah i just cool um it's such a labored bit as well, man. It's just like, oh, you need to flush the pipe. He says it like, two times. Turdus. Genus Turdidae.

Turdus. And goes outside, because Corsica's like, ah, we're not getting anything out of him, whatever. Goes outside, and a helicopter shows up. And we get, do you remember how On Her Majesty's Secret Service had, like, woman noises? Yes. This movie sort of has prisoner noises, in that they've just, like, dubbed over, like, 50 guys all going, oh, hey, it's a helicopter, hey, we should escape on that, at once. Right?

And it sort of, like, all melts together into, like, sort of, like, Prison Escape ASMR. It's very weird. Your prisoner GF tucks you in ASMR forehead kisses. Again, I think people would pay good money. Yes, they would. But this is kind of sick that Severin like grabs onto the ski of the helicopter with one arm and with the other arm blows a kiss to Kowalski. And I'm like, damn, cool. or blows a kiss to Kowalski, and I'm like, damn, cool.

He's genuinely like a gay-coded villain in an era when we'd stopped gay-coding things, who is pissed off about it. That's his motivation, and I really like it. I support him. Yeah, you don't get the quality of agents anymore. You just get this asshole. You know who he reminds me of? He reminds me of he reminds me of the american cop in the arnold schwarzenegger movie red heat uh which is sort of designed to be like uh the the

soviet cops american cops aren't so different after all but exactly the same sort of like type it's a great movie perfect thesis statement for a movie. Absolutely, we have to watch that. Delay Toto Solo and be Madre again. We're going to fucking... Fuck, not again. We're going to scrub that episode. We take it down, we do Red Heat again, and we can watch Arnold Schwarzenegger

pour a bunch of cocaine out of a false artificial leg and go, cocaine-um. We will have to do Schwarzenegger season. 100%. Yeah, yeah, of course. Arnie, come on the pod. So meantime, we cut back to UNCLEHQ NYC. And I realized

something about this film, which is that like by this point, the Bond franchise has become like a massive global phenomenon. It's not like in the 60s where like, yeah, like Doctor No's come out and people like it. But like by this point point like bond has gone through like two or three actors right this is the year of like two simultaneous bonds 1983 you could go and watch octopussy or you could watch never say never again yeah so this film really like has a bit of a bond inferiority complex whereas the old uncle movies were kind of like slightly wackier and like they were kind of

similar thing to bond but doing a bit of their own thing this it really really shows that they're like trying to do bond because they've got a money penny we got to meet money penny because we're introduced to new m your new uncle patrick mcneill who sort of is introduced to his office by a woman who only ever does bits about her surname. And I love that so much for her. Who are you? Just think of me as your girl Friday. This would be Janice Friday, your money penny. And she will work a joke about her name being Friday

into every scene that she's in. That's right. They should have done five movies of this. They should have fucking... She's only in two scenes. Even then, the jokes aren't that good. It's you know she should have had sex with someone and someone goes i thought friday only comes once a week like you know there's just like so many thank god it's friday yeah yeah yeah just like so many yeah like oh that's comedy baby you'll serve it must be

friday you're serving fish like you know it's yeah those three are just off the dome of the podcast right we've written better shit than this, if we're not even professional. Calling your secretary like this, kind of... Stacked strands, Matty. It's so funny to me. Just like, oh, you're looking well, Miss Friday, you're serving cunts tonight? It's like, what?! There's nothing wrong with that.

That's fine. No, no, that's legal. That's legal. with that that's fine no no that's legal that's legal yeah i actually can't get mad at you for doing the new james bond is gonna have a stacked buddy 10 out of 10 uh that's true that is true but what but no that's just they're all gonna be stacked buddies 10 out of 10 that's the they're gonna do a new one it's q they're gonna do another one that's just bond i thought you meant they're gonna be trans i new one that's Q, they're going to do another one that's Chase Bond. I thought you meant they're going to be trans. I was just like, I'd better be fucking in that. Yeah, I mean, you're one of the 10 out of 10 stacked baddies. Good, good, fantastic. So Patrick McNee, new uncle,

sort of talks to Kowalski about this and tells him, oh, you know, the fucking B-52 got shot down. By the way, this is a peak example of we only had the budget to do Southern California. It's very clearly that scene is happening in desert, and then he goes, yeah, it happened 20 miles south of Anchorage, in the desert they got there. Don't worry about it, it's just fine.

And then we get the funniest line read in the whole movie. This is Kowalski. She wasn't armed, presumably. No. He was eaten at the time. He didn't realize he had a line to deliver yeah what is this choice no no no didn't get another take do you like do another take it's fine and this was 100% ADR'd as well because everything in this fucking movie was

yeah of course he got into a booth and he's like okay how am I going to read this line no it just gets me every time I hear it but yeah so the bomb isn't armed and they're like there's only like four guys in the world Who can possibly arm this

And Thrush don't have any of them So we're pretty sure we're safe at least Yeah At which point we cut to Thrush secret base number one Hoover Dam Which we are told is Hoover Dam in Libya Hoover Dam brackets Libya

Yeah, we got a big shot that says libya and i wrote oh unfortunately we don't spend that much time in libya no severin severin clearly had like a bunch of color-coded henchmen jumpsuits just on deck ready to go for whenever he got out of prison that's right he's like fully back in henchmen he's back on back in the saddle you know he's got his guys uh my favorite detail here just cinematographically is he is reintroduced to his boy by means of a very slow horizontally sliding door and he just has to sort of like not react until like the whole door is open and he's fully in view. It's really strangely done. Yeah.

Mr. Blue Turtleneck is there, too. His name is Janus, or Janus. We'll learn more about him later. There's another guy, like, a guy called Alexi Kemp, who was, like, working with him. They also keep talking about The Courier, which gave me very weird vibes, given that it's a Hoover Dam. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, basically, the vibe is that Thrush have got the gang back together like thrush disbanded years ago but they're back they're doing it again um and then they're they're gonna ransom the world doing like nuclear ransoming with this bomb they've stolen and they specifically want napoleon solo to deliver the ransom they're like we want our boy back we're fucking sick of this it's been 15 years where's our fella? And so now... $350 million or they detonate the nuke inside the United States. Our fella is in Las Vegas wearing the roughliest shirt in the world. It looks like someone has piped whipped cream onto it.

To the Caesars Palace Casino in the middle of the day. He's doing so well. Yeah, and also, speaking of weird line readings, in what is another example of the Bond inferiority complex, the guy across from him at the table asks him his name, and he goes,

Solo. Napoleon Solo. I didn't edit that, because I really wanted to get, like, the sort of senior moment happening there, the, like, solo. Extremely long pause, Napoleon Solo. Sort of, like, audibly turning page of script. Good morning. Napoleon Solo.

Sunday morning. Kill Bond. Now. He's doing Bond shit. He's playing poker against a Russian man and he's looking old as shit Robert Vaughn looks

real bad he's got the like nose that like heavy drinking gives you and like he just looks old but he's playing poker against a Russian man who has a prima ballerina on his arm well but he's playing poker against a Russian man who has a prima ballerina on his arm no well

I might have believed former prima ballerina but prima do you know what I mean possibly a casting mistake no because like prima ballerina is kind of done by the time he's 25 he's kind of like

he's meant to be like the director of the Bolshoi as well yeah and he's gambling at Caesar's Palace at two in the afternoon against a sort of

washed up ex-spy there are like four KGB guys with him in fairness in fairness if this was Bond this woman would have been

like 22 and Bond would have had sex with her and we would have had to just accept that but Napoleon later spoilers has sex with this woman and like it's kind of at least his age appropriate um but yeah it saves them from having to do the sort of like you put your clothes on and i'll buy you an ice cream sort of yeah yeah yeah later yeah could have been worse um so they

can't they can't reach, he's too busy gambling. So then they try Kuriakin. Yeah. Kuriakin! Kuriakin! Oh boy. He's living his best life. Our boy David McCallum looking exactly the same.

Yeah, yeah. Like, Robert Ford is haggard and Ilya just looks identical, like it could have been ten minutes later of that. Ilya has worn sun cream. Oh yeah. Ten minutes later of that. Ilya has worn sun cream. Oh yeah. Ten minutes later of that! He has like, crow's feet, and that's it. This is what moisturising every day gets you.

He is taking retinol, he is focused on his grind. He's a starving cunt. Professionally. He works making dresses for transgender women. That's right. The reverse shot is the most clocked up, stacked, buckle fat removal ass looking woman I've ever seen. She is taller than him by a foot and a half. Big Ben is bonging. Oh, she's so much taller than him. Like, it's not even funny.

Uh-huh. And he goes, he's like fitting a dress on her the phone keeps ringing because uncle he's like ignore this no this needs to be down to like sort of like immediately above pussy level she says you were turning this dress into a belt and he's like yeah yeah it's gonna be fucking great she's like that's right is is elia in this film meant to be gay i was was like, it's unclear. He has this job. And also it's always like

all the women in the film, this happens multiple times. All the women in the film are just like, oh yeah, he's really cool. We really love him. There's like a woman later on

who's like hitting on him and he's never, he's never at any point does he go down. Yeah, cool. Nice. But he's always just like

knee deep in the pussy, but like always he's like wearing as well as and isn't bothered he's making dresses for the dolls as the other thing like xenia on a top shops here um and he's he's he's liking it you know he's thriving he's not answering the phone he's getting a big contract for halibye all the kind of tiktok zoomer trans girls are buying their shit there he's he's made like a sweater sweater, but it, like, stops, like, at your upper chest, so it's just, like, your arms,

and then your tits are out. I mean, yeah. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. So, we go back to Caesar's Palace. What is that last week? This alleged prima ballerina is... She's trying to, like...

We're all getting them. I'm getting Ilya to do my clothing for the Lost in Powers live shows. So the Soviet guy that Solo is playing against sort of like browbeats him out of the game, and Solo's like, okay, I'll just take my winnings and leave, right? And this Prima ballerina goes, take me with you, like heavily implying, to the west, because I want to defect. And the, like, KGB guy, like, fully, like, slaps her across the face, which prompts Solo to slap him and steal a line from Elmer Gantring, and go like, um, don't you know that hurts, right? Which is a good line. Um, I liked it better the first time.

And then this sort of, like, enrages Solo to the point that he's like... Despite the fact that this is the 80s, and he worked for decades with a Soviet agent, he becomes full sort of like, soldier of fortune anti-communist at this point, and he's like, alright, comrade, let's do... Zukovsky Casino rules. We put down five cards... One million, draw a card. FUCK!

Yeah, exactly! That's literally the game he sets up, is, right, you put down four cards, you give us, like, one card each, face up! It's like, 100%, just like, draw a card, see what's better. Yeah. And as in every movie about gambling, it's the two highest amounts of cards you could possibly get. It's like Royal Flush versus Stray Hand or some shit.

It's like, alright. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But before the cards are drawn, he gets... In real- Patrick McNee gets the idea. He'll be like, uh, high card five? And they're like, alright, well done. You take the two million.

Go like, a pair, a pair of threes. So Patrick McNee gets the idea, hey, why don't we use, and I really like this idea, why don't we use Channel D? And Friday goes, oh, you mean that piece of shit that nobody's used for 15 years? Yeah, we've been on Channel E for ages. Yeah, exactly. We're up to Channel F by now. Nobody's been opening Channel D for a while, but he tries channel D. And we see that Solo keeps his little channel D communicator pen on him, and it goes off in his pocket while

he's waiting for the thing. He's like, uh, it's the battery in my pacemaker, because I'm old. Yeah! It's good! It's quite sweet. I think this is a really good little thing, actually. I quite like it. They call him up and he's like,

I've just kept it with me because it's been a while since my pen's spoken to me. It's like, lucky, you know? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's quite sweet. And he's also like, I'm in trouble, boys. What I've done is I've bet, like, $500,000 on a coin flip. Can you please help? hundred thousand dollars on a coin flip can you please help and patrick mcneigh has to be like yeah okay we'll settle your fucking gambling debts if you come to new york he's like legitimately a terrible gambler why would you do this to yourself but so he he draws the cards he goes back they draw the cards and he wins of course he does yeah of course at which

point this prima ballerina is like okay great take me with you and he goes uh okay i'll figure out a way to do that real quickly oh you mean now oh oh you you didn't want me to do sort of like a laser thing this is a right now thing okay flips the fucking table at this guy it is remarkably funny throughout this movie how out of shape Robert Vaughn is, and how many stunts they make him do himself. Almost like elbow abuse, yeah. He does them, though! Yeah, he has to do a thing where he like, elbows a guy in the chest, and then

like, moves his wrist up to punch him in the face, like something you would see in like, The Raid, maybe? He's trying to do like, he's trying to do... He chucks a lot of combo moves on these guys. Exactly. And he does not get a combo out of it. He knocks a guy over and punches him in the face 15 times. Bang!

Long pause. Just no, it just doesn't work. It doesn't happen. Still better than Roger Moore. Oh yeah, Miles is better. I do sort of want to see a deep fake of Robert Vaughan's face on the hallway fight scene from the raid. I think that would be funny.

Yeah, he was doing that kind of shit in his heyday. He was. Yeah, that's true. So he and this ballerina escape. They get in the car, and the Russians try and shoot at them, like, on the strip in Vegas. And this precipitates the slowest car chase in the world. They are going 30 miles an hour. They are obeying all posted traffic laws.

It's, like, down sort of back streets in Vegas. And one thing I do like, though, is this ballerina, Andrea, her name is, Andrea Markovich. She calls Solo out on like stealing all of his like suavest line she's like oh i recognize that from a movie which i quite like because he's been dining out on that shit for like 15 years at this point but so they have a car chase it's remarkably slow but then our boy george laby. Clearly in need of money to be in this movie. Really sad to see, genuinely, just like a... Yeah!

...oh, moment. Why is James Bond driving around Las Vegas in a white tie in the middle of the day? A real like, oh, you had gambling debts, man, didn't you? Yeah, yeah. You ever think about that Gina Carano tweet that starts, I didn't fumble the bag, right, in a quote all the time yeah george layson b enters this movie like i didn't fumble the bag i just got very interested

in the man from uncle suddenly yeah exactly um and he's driving the Aston Martin GB5 with the gadgets, it's got the license plate JB. That's right. I'm not allowed to say the name, or use the theme song, but it's meant to be him. You get like a non-copyright Bond theme, which is, I didn't pull it, but it's like, oh my god, it's terrible. It's like flight key change. It intercedes with some gadgets. He sprays...

Missiles, oil slick. Question mark water? Yeah. At a car that makes it like... Again, James Bond inferiority complex. Because, like, Lazenby is literally introduced, like, recognizing Solo and being like, oh, I've got to help out my boy or some shit. And it's like...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wrong. He's like, I think I have the the drop but i can't find it right now he's just like oh napoleo solo uncle's finest and it's like always always good to help a colleague um yeah and then they really milk the bond cameo too because having dispensed of the kJB guys, he like, waves at them, and you're like, oh, okay, that's cool, they're acknowledging the thing. And then he waves at them again. And Andrea like, nudges Solo, and is like, that license plate, it says JB. Almost like it could say, this scene removed for legal reasons. She says, just like on Her Majesty's Secret Service, and I'm like, hang on a minute.

Just like a non-trademarked form of words. Was that a film, though? Has she seen the film? On Her Majesty's Secret Service. Is this a cannonball run situation? He's not James Bond, he's just a lunatic. I have to warn you, I'm George Lazenby.

This is George Lazenby, in character, playing James Bond, just fucking up traffic in his gadget car. He stole that shit from the set. He took that car home. He's wanted. Yeah, Pinewood Studios wants this car back. They put like, real missiles in it, like... It is a cannibal situation!

He just killed so many cops trying to stop him. That's why Robert Vaughan doesn't nod back or say anything about it. He's like, no, that man's a dangerous psychopath, we have to go now. Just don't acknowledge him. Don't look at him. Just staring straight ahead like a bus driver trying to ignore someone on the side. Like, do not look at that. That's the man who made the man from Hongong kong man and and like his photos like yeah you can't you can't criticize

him or tell him he's not james bond or he will just use kung fu on you he'll do it it's better to get hit by the gadget car honestly because he'll fuck you up he'll call you a racial slur as he does it like it's like when um buzz aldrin punched that guy out for saying he didn't go to the moon if you say to george lazenby that james bond is a character he beats you up yeah yeah just think about what he did when to that stuntman when he was auditioning to play bond like he told him it was a character and he broke's a dangerous psychopath. So, with the help from dangerous psychopaths... That's why he had to do Universal Soldier. He was trying to recoup his image to be peace-loving,

but it just doesn't take. No, it doesn't work. I didn't fumble the bag. No, it's fine. Genuinely, he had a quote when Universal Soldier came out that's like, I'm bored of playing Bond, peace is the message now, and that's the most I didn't fumble the bag thing I've ever read, including the Gina Carano story.

George Leslie, after getting off stage at the Sydney Opera House. Alright, I didn't fumble the bag. So they go to New York, and Solo puts this woman up in his penthouse suite that he just has. And he goes, I gotta go see my uncle. And she's like, yeah, okay. And then, after he leaves, we get the next level, the best, picks up the phone. He's on his way right now.

We've ever seen. Yeah, really good. She's betraying him! She betrays him to Thrush! Oh, I fucking love this scene! This scene! We've watched how many of these fucking movies? Sounds really good. 5,000? 8,000? This is so good. 5,000 hours of this. We've seen how Solo goes to work he goes to like yeah first of all taylor shop 10 a.m drunk yeah he goes to the fucking taylor he goes in through the back and he tries to do it but it's it's different just a normal taylor taylor and the taylor's like what the fuck are you doing

but nobody your uncle doesn't live here it's just a shop he's like i don you, dude. Your uncle doesn't live here. It's just a shop. I don't do business in the back of my shop. What? And then Solo says, Well, I do all my business in the back. Do you know what I mean? After they've... Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah, brother?

This guy's so New York as well. He's like, ah, you're crazy. There's nothing back there. But then after he kicks him out of the shop, on the way out the guy says, listen, if you ever get lonely and you want to tap the walls looking for your uncle, come on by. I also pulled that.

Yeah, I think he's making fun of him. It kind of works. No, I think this is before Grindr existed. This was just how you had to be gay in New York in the 80s. I do all my business in the back, yeah. I'm pretty sure people have managed you had to be gay, like New York in the 80s. I do all my business in the back, yeah. I'm pretty sure people have managed to find ways to be gay in New York in the 80s. No, no, it had to be through tailor shops.

Yeah, it was, yeah, no. We didn't have an app for it, so it was impossible. Mm, okay. I'm sort of like doing a moon landing thing, where I'm like, all queer history is faked. It's like, uh... On a soundstage, by Stanley Kubrick! Stanley Kubrick invented gay sex on a soundstage in California, and in real life

everyone was meeting up in tailor shops to knock the walls. They should have given him the fucking Nobel Prize for that. He invented gay sex? That shit rocks! Nice work, man! Yeah, we are over there on grass sheets. I've always felt that I was a less talented imitator of Stanley Kubrick sometimes. Anyway, so he leaves, and a cab pulls up, and it's like, oh, you're probably looking

for Uncle. That's this other location now instead, and he just drives there. Yeah. He meets Friday, he gets his old security Dorito, which is quite cute. He does. They've changed the design of the security Doritos now. I know. They have. They give him his old one now.

Yeah, that's nice. The way this scene is blocked out is really funny. He goes into Keir Starmer's office, and they're standing really close to each other, and for a long time they're just sort of completely wordless. It's slightly too small an office to have this kind of scene in it. It's just so... It's like, curiously intimate. And Friday does some more name-based bits, she's like, oh, well the only man who ever had office work done for him Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

Cause that's my name, my name is Friday. And someone else is like, what? What do you mean by that? Explain your oblique Robinson Crusoe reference to me right now. You're not allowed to do that in Uncle. They've got a clause against having to explain jokes. I have a very sad announcement here. This is sort of

an in memoriam here. Our beloved, one of our favourite features of the uncle franchise i sort of mentioned is that he's no longer with us and i'm speaking here of course about our dear friend loud projector because they've invented quiet projects what's the fucking point they just start up the projector and it doesn't even like sound like a laptop when you're playing a game with too many graphics on it. It just sounds normal. Sucks.

But Keir Starmer goes, okay, here's the deal. They've stolen this bomb. The guy they were gonna get to arm it has died. The other guy they were gonna get to arm it, we've got him. The other other guy, we've got him too. That leaves one guy. Introducing, and he hits the slide button, the most busted twink in the world. Oh, come on!

This motherfucker looks like a sex doll of Captain Scarlet. He like... I thought he does! No, it's fucked to pieces. Gary Anderson puppet twink. This is Simon Williams as Nigel Pennington Smythe. He's like meant to be an English actor. For the RSC, no less.

Yeah. As we see, he's in Othello, he's playing Iago. Yeah, wears a little like neckerchief, as, you know, to show you that he's, you know, meant to be sexy, young. Yeah, but he just doesn't... He does not achieve either of those. Again, he looks like he was walked here on strings off of the set of Thunderbirds.

Yeah, he's got that Thunderbirds shaped head. Not to do that puppet phrenology, but... Yeah. Looking at Thunderbirds. Oh, this one's got a fucking Slavic brain. Doing mesh of head shit. Doing mesh of head shit on the conference. oh this one's got a fucking slavic brain doing doing doing doing

we're gonna have to do some we're gonna have to do some jerry anderson stuff at some point he's really pulling your strings so yeah this guy Nigel Penetrius Mav he's an actor but his father designed the nuclear bomb and Nigel hasnington-Smith, he's an actor, but his father designed the nuclear bomb.

And Nigel has a photographic memory and helped his father with the blueprints. So he might actually know in the back of his brain how to activate the bomb. And Thrush may be after him. Yeah. So at this point, Solo goes, I can't do this alone.

I need my boy. Where's my fucking boy at? Well, you can't have him. alone i need my boy where's my fucking boy yeah well you can't have him he resigned because of backstory because of backstory oh no so where's where's he working now uh he's he he runs that dress shop for transsexuals yeah so when i say backstory it's because they don't really specify what it is at this stage they're like uh so elia resigned from uncle and and so i was like that doesn't sound like him um they go oh there was some question of like a betrayal or a mission that went wrong a girl died uh we don't really know what to do with it but um janice the the guy we

saw down in the plane at the start in the turtleneck he was elia's partner after solo left and so like he was involved in that operation, like maybe he was actually working for Thrush, we don't know. And he gives, like, give Solo a photo of it's not a glossy headshot this time either. Really losing out on a lot of the

characteristic stuff here. Gives him a photo of Janus. And so, Solo goes to this dress shop. There's a long, long bit with one. Solo walks straight through the show floor, straight into the back, into the women's changing room,

and is like, I'm looking for Ilya. Where's my boy? Nobody reacts to what he's doing in here. They're doing the opposite. Women keep taking their fucking tits out. Again, transsexual coded, this woman who is, again, highly sort of like buckle fat removal looking, keeps taking her top off in front of him. Like, three different times, and every time he has to like, cover his eyes. And she's like, oh yeah, Illya's like,

pitching for like, airline uniform designs at the Russian cafe. We get a joke on pitching, yeah. And Solo's just covering his eyes, because she's got a massive cock. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I'm like, whoa! He's like, he was going like... He's not a chaser!

I'll say that for Napoleon Solo, he is not a chaser, I'll say that for Napoleon Solo. He is not a chaser, to the best of my knowledge. So, goes to the Russian cafe. Not after that TV episode we saw. He's certainly not. We'll talk about that another time. Yeah, yeah. But so,

Kuryakin is trying to pitch this woman on his uniform designs. She wants the Kuryakin dick so badly she's not listening to a word that he's saying. She is like, so hard, she can't think straight, I think I have Covid. She's like, wuah. And Kuryakin, Ilya's kind of trying to get out of this, because again, he might be gay. We don't actually say that, but he might just be gay.

He seems uncomfortable about this. Yeah. And just in time, he is rescued by seeing Solo come along with him. This is a perfect shot to me, right? Because Ilya sees Solo moving through the club, and he's distracted for a moment, and he looks back to the lassies with, and he's really wistfully like, I'm sorry, I've just seen an old old friend we used to work together a lifetime ago those days are over now and then solo immediately starts getting the shit kicked out of him and elia's like oh hold on

sorry wait a minute and just like gets up and immediately sprints down between the aisle and then fully like jump tackles a guy it's so good it's just like a beautiful like wistful moment from a different movie just happens to be in there and it's like oh i see okay sorry i see what's happening it has a few moments it has a few moments it's good it's really nice yeah they get in a fight it's great you know like uh david mccallum can still like do stage combat, which Robert Vaughn can't. He's doing the Pentax-Salat combos Robert Vaughn is doing.

Yeah, exactly. He kills a guy with a door. It's horrific. He throws a guy into a concrete balcony. I'm not really the same person I was after seeing that. It really comes out of nowhere as well. It's just absolutely brutal. Yeah, surprising. These goons are the KGB, by the way.

We learned this in a terrible piece of ADR from Robert Vaughn. Yeah, yeah. Surprising. These goons are the KGB, by the way. We learned this in a terrible piece of ADR from Robert Vaughn. Yeah. So at this point, they go for a walk and I love this scene. This scene is so good. It's really good, but the thing that jars it for me is how much better an actor

David McCallum is because he's carrying this scene for me. Yeah. He's also, so David McCallum was a good actor carrying this scene for me yeah he's also like so David McCallum was a good actor in the original Man From Uggle but he's like gotten better in the 15 years since and he's so good in this scene yeah he's like maybe because they do finally give him something to do

I don't want to do it and Solo buys him a hot dog which is a fun sort of like slumming it sort of thing he buys himself a hot dog actually yeah he buys one hot dog and just eats it. One dog with ketchup and onions. I assume you don't want this. So I'm gonna eat it in front of you.

And then he goes, well, what about the world? And Ilya has this great line, he's like, don't throw the world at me. Like how many times have we saved it? And Solo has to convince Nino. Making dresses for the dolls. I'm doing important work right now. This time it's more important than your transsexual

sluts that you make dresses for. He's like, nothing is more important than my transsexual sluts. Exactly. But then he shows him the photo of Janice and he Ilya punches him in the face! Yeah, I love this! Because Solo's kind of doing the smug lying thing where he's like,

oh, is this the guy who betrayed you? And Ilya's like, you know damn well it is. And you were just like, you fucking set me up with all this bullshit before you actually showed it to me. Fine, I'll come back to fucking Uncle. It's really good. It's well played. He gets his old Dorito back. He does, he does. He has a fun joke about it. He says, I'm all out of exploding buttons. There's a baffling line when they come into the

new Uncle, which by the way is much less it looks like a sort of 70s office, but he says, What happened to the beautiful girls who used to work for Uncle? They're in the Uncle Home. Which, first of all... Huh? Second of all...

Third of all, I don't even think Ilya's gay! I think he might just be asexual. Like, he's sort of like, equally repulsed by men and women. He's like, ugh, men. It's really bad ADR as well, but... Also, what is the uncle home? Well, that's where they put all the stacked town out of ten baddies we saw

in the original movies, who were walking around in pencil skirts. That's right, they're literally stacked now. They're in quite a storage cabinet now. Yeah. It's curious. I'll be back in a minute. I'm sending you the address. What did happen to these?

Did they think it was too sexist for 1983? Did they think it was, like, perversely not sexist enough? Gender. Gender, I'm afraid. They've all transitioned. None of those women ever had... Yeah, well, none of those women ever had lines. That'd be a great reveal, wasn't it?

If they were all actually the same people, but they just all transitioned. They all transitioned. They were never explicitly... Irreversible damage has been done to the media lesbians have been erased within the last you should have seen kowalski back in the day in the last 15 years uh a thrush plot has invented like gender gas and just hit uncle with it wait wait fuck given that it's the same given that it's the same actor you know what the fucking plot was use hormones to make them all male that's exactly what happened

there you go baby that joke has been like a year and a half in the making this is so tightly fucking scripted you have no idea I know we're so smart but so they're like they give them all their stuff back and they're like go see Q

no no I'm sorry we have to talk about we have to talk about sir john's line oh what line is this so so so they meet they meet sir john um the first of all there's a very hilarious bit where elia tries to shake hands with sir john but the actor playing sir john turns around at just the wrong time, so Elia has to slowly... Go back and watch this scene, let us see if you want to see David McCallum slowly cover for this mistake. But then Sir John has a line

where the sentiment he's trying to express is that he's going to offer them some helpers to assist him in his mission. What he actually says is, we'll give you some aids to see you through this affair. I missed this completely! I feel like in 1983 somebody should have called that. In 1983?! Oh my god.

Oh my god, yeah. Okay. No. Well, so... They give them some AIDS, and then they... Hire a gay person. Yeah. Well... So then they're like, like okay go and see Q because we have a bond inferiority complex but we can't call her Q

well lads listen it's like Q but better because she's a fucking broad she's a hot broad she's a fucking broad she's a stacked 10 out of 10 she buys her dresses from Ilya that would have been a really good reveal this is my new favourite way of saying that anyone is transsexual now, is that they

buy their dresses at Vanya's. It would have been such a good- oh, they should have done that! They should have done that joke, and she's just like, Mr. Kuriakun? Just like, oh! Yeah, don't worry, I'll have that fixed for you. It might take you a couple of weeks. She's wearing a belted jumpsuit, and has a shitload of guns and so to this woman philosophy tube ass fit

I always wear my jumpsuit unzipped to about naval level I did in that video where I did the mechanic it was good but so she gives them the round the fucking rundown or their shit

it's an exploding bracelet don't get the exploding bracelet wet or it explodes so never wash your hands don't have a chair a belt buckle that's a welding torch

an exploding shoe let's just give her like 40 exploding things. And this is my favorite little thing in the fucking movie is that Z is explaining these in that sort of like the jovial Q manner. And then Solo tries to riff and she just stops dead and like stares him down for a few seconds. She hates him. But then the other thing is we get a line that. She hates him. But then, the other thing is, we get a line that, frankly, the Bond writers

must be kicking themselves for missing. But she says it because she's horny for Elia. And she does the 80s movie thing where she takes off her glasses and she's actually sexy under there, where he goes,

I'll try to bring them back in one piece just try to bring yourself back in one piece i can see the vaseline being applied to a lens in real time yeah but like but like try and bring yourself back in one piece is kind of the thing that like all of the q bullshit in the bond movies has been building to to suggest an unusually dangerous mission yeah but for a long time they just couldn't do it because they wouldn't let him let desmond llewellyn flirt with roger moore they wouldn't let him do it it's fucked up they should have they should have they should have done that hire a gay person or you know hire a gay person who will tell well i mean listen you should have said this to fucking daniel craig look welcome to japan dad is my little girl hot and ready

so let's not say that it's sort of beyond the pale here hey no trouble listen if you ever get lonely and you want to tap the walls looking for your uncle, come on by. It's too long a drop to use like that. I'm sorry. That's fine. So they fucking, what do they fucking do? Pennington Smythe doesn't want a security detail from uncle. Robert Vaughn goes to see him and he's like no fuck off and meanwhile elia is breaking into

what the fuck is that guy called again the thrash dude lexi kemp yeah hotel room i love this scene hitman shit by elia they do some really weird shit with kemp all the fucking time because he's just like a normal guy, right? But, like, every line about him is just, like, this fat fucking pig. And you're like, huh? Yeah, it's weird casting. He's just, like, normal looking.

Yeah, he's just a normal man. It's very strange. But so, yeah, so Elia lets himself in to bug the telephone, and then, when caught, do a bunch of sort of, like, accent bits where he pretends to be the telephone and then when caught do a bunch of sort of like accent bits where he pretends to be the telephone engineer and he gets caught and held at gunpoint and he has to rely on solo he like makes them call solo who immediately understands the like vibe and also decides to do a silly accent i do like this reveal because because uh they hold either at gunpoint and

he's like i'm from the phone repair company and they're like oh yeah what's your boss's name what number is it and he gives them the number it's like, I'm from the phone repair company. And they're like, oh yeah, what's your boss's name? What number is it? And he gives them the number. It's like, ooh, is it fake? And it goes straight through to Solo. And Solo's like, yeah, it's totally fine. Like, yes, this is his name. Solo's like, I have to answer this

talking like Hunter S. Thompson for some reason. It's really good. Just on it immediately. Yeah. But so Solo fumbles the bag. Once again, he's there with kowalski uh they like have to try and convince pennington smite that he's in danger uh and he doesn't want to like he doesn't want a bodyguard but he agrees to let them like hang around goes outside immediately kidnapped like just bundled into a car um and shit yeah it yes interesting this is like i think the first time i can remember

that we've seen uncle fail yeah we've seen thrush like just beat them straight up but we we figure out as solo recovers that this is only possible because they've been betrayed right and who could possibly be betraying them who figures this out yeah it figures this out. Yeah. It's, it's, it's your prima ballerina. Yeah. Cause, cause she was in the flat when he got the communication saying that Pennington Smythe was going to be in such and such a location. So,

so Elia taps the phone. So he knows where they're going with Pennington Smythe. First of all, Solo has to go back to his penthouse suite and do the sort of least intimidating interrogation ever because Robert Vaughn sort of raising his voice just isn't that scary. Well, it's pretty scary relative to what Napoleon

Solo normally does. He shouts at her, he pushes her over gently into a chair. He doesn't hit her, which Connery would have done. That's true. And she reveals that Thrush have my father and I have to do what they say. At this point Mongo, Mongo's here here we've got a mongo everybody lowest the lowest effort mongo yeah committed to the mongo you gotta remember

the fucking gym guy the personal trainer guy yeah three identical twins there's so much what happened to him there are so many more things you can do in this space, but this is just a big dude, right? And the big dude, like, karate chops. It's like Tesco's own brand Mongo. It's bollocks, mate. His name is Guido as well, which is very strange. Yeah.

This is massive, Greg, I have a mustache called Guido. And by with a mustache, I mean like a normal type mustache, not even like a fun one. Yeah. And so Solo has to sort of like, activate. I'm in the process of dealing with these guido motherfuckers. By getting hit. I'm just mining the drops today.

You're fucking done! This is why you get the medium bucks, baby. This is the stuff. And yeah, he deals with him by getting karate chopped in the back of the head, and getting knocked unconscious. Yeah, again, Solo eats shit. Eats shit and fails.

Eats shit. Ilya shows up in his pilot disguise, and his pilot disguise is a chauffeur cap, a flight jacket, and this accent. I'll fly you where you wanna go. I don't ask questions, nor do I I ask talk a bit like David Beckham he's doing a different voice they'll never tell David McCallum came back to this film and he said

my condition is I'm going to get to do some fucking acting in this David McCallum should have been cast in The Saint I'll say that for him oh my god that would have been so good so I'll take you to my home so I'll take you to my home. Perhaps I'll take you to my home in Africa.

In Africa. Perhaps I'll take you to my home in Ronford. Perhaps I'll take you to my home in Africa. And Janice allegedly doesn't recognise him, but there's a moment of like, does he or does he not? Because his accent's so convincing.

Yeah, and he's got his cap pulled low over his his eyes some shit and the fakest mustache in the world he he does the great thing of like about to be recognized turns around really quickly and likes like covers his face uh in a sort of like convincing way really difficult to do that like suddenly it's it's tough. So he activates the instinct mode from Hitman Absolution. So at this point, they're running out of time. And Solo and Kowalski are sent to Libya to go and deliver the ransom

with a sort of side mission of trying to find out where Uncle's base is located. Thrush's base. Again, don't worry. It's the Hoover Dam portion. I'm getting really confused. That was his earlier thing, was trying to figure out where Uncle's base was located. Let's just tap on the... Ironically, they're in the tailor shop now.

They took the old one. Yeah. Come on by! That guy, the horniest dude. So yeah, so it's Ilya and Sythe are in the the southern california part of libya um again at hoover dam brackets libya no no they're in chicago that's where they fly to elia elia and pennington smythe are taken to chicago elia tracks them down um and uh which is underneath like uh just a normal house in chicago

it's got a swimming pool this is the coolest fucking shit i've ever seen because it's really watches them put on scuba gear to get into the swimming pool and then they don't come out and he's like oh fuck they've got like an under pool lair entrance it's pretty sick actually it's pretty good that's such a good idea for your lair. I love that. Thunderbird's ass lair. It's good. So he gets in the lair after them. The bomb is there.

Yeah, the bomb is there. Nigel is there. They want him to arm the bomb, which he does. And Ilya attempts to intervene. And guess what? He gets fucking captured because Janus gets the drop on him and then there is a fun line here where we come

and then we come there is a fun line here where Nigel Penitent as he's arming he says I have to warn you I don't know how to disarm this and Janus just says I don't think that'll be a problem I must warn you I don't know how to land this plane

yeah there's also another ridiculous little line read that I enjoy a great deal there's just I'm just going to play this for you and I need you to just oh no not that one fuck fuck sorry sorry

it's just he just says okay so flatly like okay it's just like it's after the after they're like taking the prisoner out of the fucking scuba gear and then like he's like i take your stuff off okay i don't know i don't know why i like that whatever some but then we we come full circle to the first uncle movie. Come over here, Mr. Solo, you're about to be chained to a pipe. Because having armed the bomb, they fucking chain Elia and Nigel to a pipe, like, overhand. Fucking Elia gets tied up more than I do. It's unfair. It's bullshit.

Even there's a line about that, Pennington's smile is just like, we've done this before, and he's like, yeah, yeah, this happens all the time. Yeah, it's really good. It's unfair. It's bullshit. Even there's a line about that. Pennington's smile is just like, we've done this before and he's like, yeah, it happens all the time. Yeah. It's really good. He's like, I usually just have a bomb in my watch to deal with it. He's like, where is the bomb this time? He's like, it's in my shoes. They're like, what the jits? And he's like,

progress on that. Also, Elia outlines the plan which is that they're going to set the bomb off anyway underneath a nuclear power plant, which will put the American public off nuclear energy and question mark profit. Are we, given that this is 83, are we suggesting that Thrush did Chernobyl?

Because I would kind of believe that at this point. Yeah, why not? Yeah, fuck it, probably. Intercut with this, we're in the hotel room in Libya where Kowalski figures out where the thrush base is by looking at a tourist catalogue and going, oh, the old closed-down Hoover Dam, which I'm also...

I'm not sure how you close down a dam, but okay. Oh, it's the old Hoover Dam. Yeah, it still works, is the thing. If you leave it. Yeah, a closed down Hoover Dam. At which point they forget that they know where it is. And they go to meet Severin. Or Solo does for the first time. Yeah, how do they arrange this meeting?

Don't worry about it. I don't know. I realised they needed a scene where the hero and the villain meet before the end. Yeah, again, it was a Stromberg situation. They were like, oh shit, we need to get it. So I was like, Mr. Bond, who are you? Mr. Bond. And so what he gets to do is to be like,

ah, it's nice to see someone with some style and panache these days. We must be men of our word, or there'd be no integrity left in the world at all, would there? This man is planning to betray you. Yeah, Solo comes out of this meeting knowing, this man is planning to betray me.

He's gonna fucking get the ransom, and then he's gonna detonate the bomb anyway. Obviously. So, Kuriakin is busy escaping by doing some fucking gymnastics work with his shoe, and he manages to sort of, like, explode... He manages to get the thing out of his shoe and like like fucking i don't even know how to describe well he gets the explosive charge out of his and throws out the pipe and blows it up and then he uses the welding torch belt to cut the chains off them great um and he's like do you want to have a go at disarming the bomb anyway even though

you said you could just give it a chance give it a fucking college go mate let's let's let's he said you could just give it a chance give it a fucking college go mate let's let's let's let's do what we can hey as as he's leaving the meeting with for the ransom uh solo puts a tracking device on mongo by like grabbing him by the lapel and being like hey great job he didn't need to do this he knew where there was a closed down abandoned old dam you know the haunted dam um. It's just very funny to just grab the guy that knocked you out a minute ago and be like, you're looking good, man! What are you working out or something? Obviously putting things into his pockets. Wow, you're doing great, bro!

Weighing him down with tracking devices! At this point, Robert Vaughan gets Kowalski to call in an uncle task force to raid the dam. He's gonna infiltrate it beforehand, and we see that Robert Vaughn has the worst fate that can ever befall anyone. I hope this never happens to me. He has become too old to wear camouflage. They put him in camouflage, and it looks ridiculous.

It's a tough life. Yeah, I know. I hope this never happens to me. Put him in camouflage and it looks ridiculous. It's a tough life. It's really... Yeah, I know. I hope this never happens to me. But then, like, the uncle task force attack, the thrush guys are all in orange jumpsuits, the uncle guys are all in blue, which is very helpful. I was about to say, the powder blue tactical jumpsuit,

that's the move in our modern age. And a lot of people fall off things. That's the kind of one stunt they have, is they get shot and go, and fall down a great height into some water or something. The guy we saw introduced by the sliding door

uses his one move to be like, you've got to close the sliding door again before getting blown up by a fucking grenade. Yeah. And at this point, we know that we need to have

a confrontation scene between Elia and Janus, but this prompts the obvious question, like, given that the nuclear bomb is about to go off, all the Thrush guys have obviously left, right? So they're not going to stick around. But Janus is still there.

And so we have to have this scene where Elia's like, why are you still here? And he invents this, like, bullshit reason. It's like Uncle Bass with a small U. He's like, oh, the other other guy who could arm and disarm the bomb? That's my uncle! And so I know how to do it from him, and I'm gonna disarm the bomb, take it for myself, and sell it to the highest bidder. And then he's like, and I betrayed you in Yugoslavia, because you couldn't even shoot straight in there.

Because my name is Janusz, it it literally like two-faced like yeah imagine if a movie did that i mean yeah what kind of a hack writer also i'm seeing the poster for golden eye so elia shoots him well at least at least then like that was alex trevelyan chose the name janice as a deliberately ironic joke because his face was like burned on one half. So it was like two faces. At least that made sense. Giannis is just like, his parents just called him that. It's just like a very traitorous baby. I hate to be called this.

But like, so Elia shoots him with a harpoon gun and I'm like, okay, I understand why you have the scuba gear for the secret pool entrance. Why did you run into a shark? Why did you bring it in the pool? Why did you have a harpoon gun? It just comes with a scuba kit why else you have to pass a special exam

to use that you get it as a bundle from the supplier the only listen what if you don't have one and there just is a shark there you're fucked a cave shark or a nuclear shark

a regular shark's cave double they are not next to the pool like so all the scuba equipment is lying around in this cave so they've come out of the pool entrance taken their kit off and then like walked it deeper into the cave as opposed to leaving it near the pool where you need it lives you know people are real sticklers not like on a rack or in a drying room but just like lying on the floor getting cave dust on it get to assembling the rack eventually you know in the meantime this is just floor plans it says that's where you put them okay like i just don't want to get yelled at i only work here man i'm just i'm just putting the scuba gear where it's set to.

And I've got the harpoon as well, just on the off chance. So, a solo kills the old guy with a grenade, not before getting this great line-off. You stayed so young. Good makeup, man. Cool. Was he having a day off when he filmed this she chooses what the goal of good makeup is to look like you're not wearing makeup at all it's the bond it's bond again baby because he fucking he goes oh oh it's a i've got a good

makeup man and the old guy goes what and he yells in his ear i've got a good makeup man and that caused him to collapse and we see a fucking irrigate fall out of this guy's ear and it's like oh exploit disability we did it classic james bond maneuver he did also also very bond in that like desiring to both exploit physical disability and get the line off to a guy who like it will be the last thing he ever hears is like very funny it's like your shit joke imagine you're bleeding out and another person who killed you delivers some like

awful one liner you'd be like oh for fuck's sake you're not going to at this point he runs into he runs into Mongo I don't know if that's true he runs into Mongo if you get killed by a guy who delivers a one liner you go straight to hell like that's what i mean i don't mean just i'm not making a value judgment on my two friends on the call right now i mean if you get owned that hard you just skip my purgatory so so at this point we he meets mongo and you know uh he does what

blofeld would do to james bond James Bond had Asperger's. He throws him into a conversation pit. Listen, I was really proud of that one, I know it's a weak joke, but like, if you die right after hearing that, you gotta howl, it's the other thing. Conversation pit? Oh no! To a conversation pit. And they have a fight, Solo gets his ass beat, but then he hits the guy with a bottle

or something, and the guy... No, it's the fucking exploding bracelet. He uses the exploding bracelet, and the guy perfectly ragdolls. It looks like he just turned the fucking collision off, or whatever. The exploding bracelet which explodes when it gets wet, and I'm like, you gave this to the most pussy- pussy getting agent you've ever had up to the wrist I don't know

but I mean like I guess but I mean I think the more salient feature is he's doing in a sort of dam yes also he's in a dam yes true I guess it's like someone squirted you make a squirt and then your hand falls off

because you've got an explosive bracelet on. Having an exploding bracelet that close to your pussy also probably not good for you. I think that's like a 200% fatality rate, you know? Yeah, it wouldn't be good. Just like best of times. Yeah, I thought I couldn't walk again. Why? Was it that good?

No, he had an exploding bracelet that blew my fucking pussy off which was a nightmare because I just got it last week doing GRS this way doing like an exploding cock ring anyway like breaching clear shaped charge on your cock

I hate when the methods of entry man puts a slap charge on your cock. You can't do that. I hate when the methods of entry man puts a slap charge on your cock. Fucking Claymore, yeah. Slap side of cock, great bit of kick. Decide toward pussy. Be a good tattoo. Be a good above dick tattoo. Yeah, yeah.

That's so good, I love that. No, that's awful. That's so bad. Alright, this is the thing. I have a gift. I have a gift i have a gift for like creating tattoo ideas for people they're often terrible but they're always like remarkable it's not any worse than my original idea which is to get like a ouija board tattooed just above my car i really thought that was such a fucking

funny and good idea but i was really glad i didn't go for that well to be fair i think i'd still have excused it by now yeah for sure um so at this point solo runs in to go and confront severin severin like is hovering his hand over the two buttons like the meme, but the two buttons are destroy the bomb immediately, like detonate it immediately, or cancel bomb. Solo comes in and he's like, hey, and Severin just fucking shoots him. Which is exactly what you want to do. Oh, on the way, Solo rescues the ballerina as well. Ah, yeah, whatever. So Solo gets shot in the arm at this point, Severin books it, he just leaves.

And Severin just walks out. Yeah, because he tries the detonate button, and it doesn't work, because at the last second, the most busted twink in the world has remembered how to disarm the bomb. And so, Severin escapes, and they so clearly wanted to bring this series back right like so clearly I mean it's kind of weird like think about the ways that previous uncle villains have gone out so the spy in the green hat was turned

into a fine paste by Elia shooting pressurized water at him Mr. Alexander died in an unrelated explosion having fallen out of a window um fucking who the fuck else Herbert L herbert long got turned into gold yeah the last guy got killed in an airstrike um is it yeah yeah remember they they like fly the plane at him and they fire a missile into the command center oh yeah he was in la airport and

he got he got sissy hypnogast and then yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Severin just leaves. All of these guys died. Severin just leaves because they wanted to bring him back, they wanted to do some more. They wanted to do more! It's so clear they wanted to do more, and it's like, eh. This was not successful financially. What we get as a scene in the Russian cafe at the end, where Ilya and Solo are sort of comparing notes, and solo by the way i never

mentioned this he's meant to be a computer salesman which is such a sort of 1983 idea of like what's a what's a business job but he's ilia asks him how was the computer business like compared to spying and he has this bafflingly hard line i'm finding it increasingly more and more difficult having a meaningful relationship with the machine. All best from heart of the machine? He's like, what, okay, how's the dress business going? He's like, oh, there's some weird people in it, you know, I keep getting in like trans discourse on Twitter.

She's transsexual. Wait a minute, I just have that. She's transsexual. There you go. I should have used that like eight times thus far, for how the fuck it p- But so they're like, okay, fine, well, you know, it's weird, but whatever, and then Channel D opens, and Patrick Brickney goes, uh, the fucking vice president's disappeared, boys, you gotta find him.

Um, him. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da And the weirdest look, the weirdest possible look Robert Vaughan gives, this is gonna be the episode, he looks at Ilya and he gives him this perfect shrug of like, I guess we're back! You know? And that... Which is perfect. Yeah. Perfect microphone.

That's the last shot they made of the man from Uncle! Like, until the reboot! And it makes me quite sad, because, like, I've gotten attached to these two by now. Okay, it was pretty bad in a lot of ways, but like, I think they should just keep making every show forever, and you can watch it if you want to. Or at least they should have ended it. And you should have, like, universal jobs. It was a good ending. They shouldn't have made this movie, is what they shouldn't have done.

Yeah. Like, it was a good ending, although to be fair, I'm happy with shopping at Vanya's, but like it just, it was like a perfect ending to the series. And they tried to start it again and it just fell completely flat. And there's nothing more sad than watching a movie that has like a clear sequel hook that just never got fucking touched. Like the movie, The Man From U.N.C.L.E.,

which we're going to watch next time. And I have a theory about that too. My theory is The Man From U.N.C.L.E., which we're gonna watch next time. And I have a theory about that, too. My theory is, The Man From U.N.C.L.E. shouldn't be a movie series. It doesn't work as a movie series. We've been watching it as one, that's not what it is. It's a Villain of the Week TV series. It's a high budget TV series. And if anyone ever wants to bring it back, and they should, because it's a good conceit,

all you really need for it is, well, a shitload of money, and sets, and special effects, but all you really need is, like, two talented actors who are good at playing off each other, and you build the whole show around that. It writes itself. You can make it a 60s period piece if you want, nobody's buying period pieces at the moment, I guess. Doesn't matter, but you could do anything with it. You could set it in the fucking Civil War

for all that matters, right? Wild West. Alan Pinkerton being Uncle, right? You can do anything with it, and they should. To be fair, 60s period piece Man from U.N.C.L.E. TV series, I'd watch that.

That'd be fucking sick. And you don't really get TV series like this anymore because of, you know, as we've talked about on Trash Future, amongst other things, so like Netflix and Amazon don't like renewing series of things and they like sort of like killing them off after one season so nothing really gets to grow and develop into this. Make it woke, you know?

You could. Netflix absolutely hates doing third seasons of anything because you have to stop paying people more that's true mr television committed commissioning or miss or mix uh if you're listening and i think you are give us 100 million dollars and tell us to do the man from encore and we will create the best tv series ever made i promise you i think netflix is a good company that makes good entertainment for the whole family.

I'm really excited to see what they do next. There are various great properties that are really... We've got nothing to worry about. We can't animate. Don't worry. I want to fight. Mr. Netflix. Justice for Tuca and B to fight. Mr. Netflix. Justice for Tuca and Bersing.

Mr. Netflix. If you have... Shut the fuck up. Shut up. It's just him, like, making... Shut up, fucking... Oh, the thing about Netflix is they're currently hiring people to make movies. Really great.

All I'm saying... There are some nice ones out there bring this shit back bring this shit back I think CBS still has the copyright to it whatever owns CBS now Paramount I think right

for child protective services CBS child protective services child protective services they assign you a bro CBS Child Protective Services I think does Paramount does Paramount own CBS because Paramount

because like Star Trek Lower Decks used to be on CBS and Paramount definitely owns Star Trek this definitely isn't good content I don't know

yeah but basically make it happen put us in charge we'll put the most stacked trans baddies in front of you that you've ever seen.

That's right. Yeah, we will. We'll do it. But what do we think about this movie? Do we have closing thoughts or do we want to get into the scum spectrum? I think I've expressed myself sufficiently. It's basically just like another man from Uncle Phil. Yeah.

They didn't really try and do anything special with it, which is a shame. I think they could have done. I think there should have been more JB in it. Fuck me, that sucked. I think they should have been more JB. Fuck me, that sucked. I think they should have been more of it. I think they should have been a hinge of it. We have a science-based

rating system on this podcast. It's called the SCUMM system. It stands for SMAM, Cultural Insensitivity, Unprovoked Violence, and Misogyny. How do we think this movie stands on SMAM? I mean... I think it's a little bit higher than usual it's definitely higher

oh it's the thing from my pacemaker because I'm old I'm gonna make sure you heard my fucking line because you're like 5 5 or 6 I'd go as high as a 3 or a 4 a 4 I guess ok cultural insensitivity high, but I'd go as high as a three or a four. A four, I guess. Okay.

Cultural insensitivity. Libya is not a location in this film. It is just... Are there any people of colour who have a line? I know there are a couple of supporting artists. No, there is like... Kowalski's partner is black. Yeah, so it's an entirely white principal cast. Yep.

Does Guido have a line? No, he doesn't. He's named. No. He is named, but like... No, he's one of those strong, silent guys, like in Octopussy or whatever. Yeah, yeah, he's mute.

Yeah. So, gotta be sort of high in a sort of an omission way. I could see my way to a four for this one yeah sure I feel like it's a bit more violent than Uncle usually is

people get killed yeah what seems high for omission kills that old guy with a grenade yeah like a fucking

guy gets shot in the stomach with a spear gun yes true which doesn't seem particularly pleasant I'll say that yeah

that was provoked but I get what you mean. It wasn't nice. It's kind of got a bit darker because it's been infected by Bondness. Yeah, that's true. And also, Bond himself kills a whole bunch of people in this. He blows up cars with missiles and stuff. It's more violent than Uncle usually is.

Yeah. And that really is unprovoked for Bond because he's just fucking around. He's just there. Because he's a stone-cold psycho. Oh, yeah. No, no. James Bond is the subject of, like, a stateswide manhunt, and just, like, shows up in this movie to kill a bunch of guys, then leave.

Yeah. Yeah. Tommy Lee Jones is looking for this. Terrifying. Five? Four? Five. Five.

Misogyny. I mean, it does say that you can't trust women, right? And it also says that every woman in the world wants to fuck Ilya. True. But equally, you can't trust women because they're manipulated because they have uncles, or whatever. And that's sort of a lever on them. From an actress point of view, there aren't really many female characters in this who like do anything or particularly good roles i can't say i would really want to play either of these roles which admittedly is not the test of misogyny but like you know it's a test of misogyny um i yeah i i want to say four this is like mediocre even in the ways that it's bad yeah that gives us a total score of 17 which is again pretty mediocre resolutely average sad note to go out on for the

for the uncle boys but perhaps the reboot can redeem it i can't wait yeah i i every single member of the cast and crew of the man from uncle 2015 2013 is like now, typing in the chat, I didn't fumble the bat. I swear to God. I'm looking forward to seeing this. I want to see a modern take on Napoleon Soto. I remember it fondly. I really enjoyed it when I saw it. I don't know if it'll hold up.

You know, we'll see. We'll have to see. But that's going to be the next one the next bonus episode I believe is Avi's decision oh we know what it is which is

I've already decided it's My Little Pony French Miss Magic the movie that's right I hate you so much we're going to be watching My Little Pony French Miss Magic the movie

we're going to have a lovely time thank you for yeah with our friends does it have a Patreon yeah Patreon it's got songs in it.

It is. It is. Yeah, it does. It does have songs in it. Finally, Kill James Bond will answer the question, who is Best Pony? God. Come on.

What the fuck? It's a bit of a fucking stunt. Cut it. I'm playing you out right now. I'm playing you out I'm playing you out you're a fucking thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond

in two weeks time on the free feed Kill James Bond will return with The Man From U.N.C.L.E. Brackets 2015, the attempted reboot of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. series. But if that is simply too long for you to wait, then next week on the Patreon, we are going to be talking about My Little Pony Friendship is Magic, the movie, and myself and Abby are going to be going hard, going hard on this shit. And Alice is going to be good-naturedly confused throughout

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