KILL TONY - KILL TONY #244 (KILL JEREMIAH)

Episode Date: January 11, 2018

Erik Griffin, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 01/08/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Jeremiah, a special edition of Kill Tony. Go to our website, DeathSquad.TV, for all the past episodes of Kill Tony. We're also taking Kill Tony on the road in a couple weeks. We are going to Texas again. We are going to Houston. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe are bringing the whole band. That's right, the whole

band. Jeremiah Watkins, Pat Reagan, Joel Jimenez. We've never done this before. We're bringing everybody. So this is going to be a lot of fun. We're going to be in Houston February 1st at the Secret Group. We're doing a Kill Tony followed by a comedy show.

The following day, we are going to Dallas, Texas, and we're doing comedy shows again. And we're doing a Kill Tony on Saturday, February 3rd at Hyena's. If you haven't been to Hyena's, it's a great club, and you can get all this information by going to deathsquad.tv and click on Tour Dates, and there you have all the ticket links and everything you need. This episode of Kill Tony is brought to you by ZipRecruiter.

Are you hiring? Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates? You know, there's one place I recommend, and that's ZipRecruiter. And right now, you can just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony, and you can try it for free. ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony, and you can try it for free. Find out why today. ZipRecruiter has been used by businesses of all sizes and industries to find the most qualified job candidates with immediate results.

Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. Also, TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's a website. You can find out everything Tony Hinchcliffe there. Tony has some tour dates coming up. He's going to be in Zanies in Rosemont, January 11th through the 13th. And he's going to be in Philadelphia at Helium, January 25th through the 27th. Stay warm, Tony.

That's going to be cold. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Also, Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. You can go to his website, RyanJEbelt.com. He draws every episode. He made the Kill Tony poster.

He has the awesome, if you haven't seen it yet, awesome Kill Tony book. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. ShopSquad.tv is the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. ShopSquad has a bunch of new merchandise for 2018. We have a brand new Death Squad hat, which is awesome. We also have a new t-shirt.

We have new thermals, so we want to keep warm. We also have mugs. Check out all the new merchandise by going to ShopSquad.tv. All right, guys. Here's a really funny, weird episode. This is an episode that a lot of the longtime fans, I think, are going to like. Because it's really, really out of control. Enjoy this.

Here's a brand new episode of Kill Jeremiah. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Jeremiah. Here's Jeremiah Watkins! Yeah. Pat, bring back that mic.

Hey, we need that mic, Pat. Pat, bring back the mic. What the fuck? Yeah. Welcome to Kill Jeremiah. Live at the Comedy Store, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, that's right. With my co-host, Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. What's up?

Hey, look who it is. It's Ryan J. Ebel. Ryan J. Ebel, our house artist. Give it up for Ryan J. Ebel. Ryan J. Ebel, our house artist. Give it up for Ryan J. Ebel. Wowsies. He draws every episode. Yeah, this one's going to be a doozy tonight. Oh, yeah. Oh, man, I'm so excited to see what happens.

Guys, give yourselves a round of applause. Let the internet know. We got a full main room tonight. Jeremiah, congratulations. You are Kill Jeremiah tonight because you won the weight gain challenge of December. You gained 30 pounds in one month. Tony Hinchcliffe gained 3.5 pounds. He gained 3.5 pounds.

Yeah, Brian.5 pounds. He gained 3.5 pounds. Yeah, Brian. Pretty crazy. If I lost, he would have gotten to shave my head live on stage. But that didn't happen. You're watching Kill Jeremiah now. The golden goose has taken over. We got a couple of announcements real quick. Guys, do me a favor.

I think it would be really cool if we could get this show trending on Twitter tonight. So everybody pull out your phones right now. We're going to read a couple of ads that we have to read. Everybody pull out your phones and tweet something to either at JeremiahStandUp or at RedBand. Hashtag KillJeremiah. Let's get the hashtag Kill Jeremiah going. Yeah. And let's start trending on freaking

Twitter. What do you say, guys? DeathSquad.Live. Those of you guys who are watching at home, help us out. Tweet out hashtag Kill Jeremiah. Tweet us some questions that you maybe want us to ask guests, and we'll make it a little bit more interactive, this show. How does that sound? Yeah. So if there's somebody on stage and and you're sitting there with some insider information, like this person has two dicks, hashtag kill Jeremiah.

Exactly. That would be worth tweeting at us. Yeah. That's a good idea. We should have done that a long time ago. Right? Welcome to Brilliant Ideas with Jeremiah Watkins. Oh, yeah.

Pit stains. Oh, yeah. Already working hard. I'm fat, guys. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Already working hard. I'm fat, guys. I'm still sweating. All right? I'm already sweating on this show.

So let's plug a couple things while people are tweeting. Hashtag kill Jeremiah and some questions. Guys, you can see me headline at U31 Bar in San Diego on Thursday, January 18th. I'm bringing Jamar Neighbors and Willie Hunter from the Wave and Roast Battle open for me. Yeah, that show's produced by 33rd Street Entertainment. Stand up on the spot every second Tuesday of the month. Come check that out and, you know, follow me on social media, guys. At Jeremiah's Stand Up,

of course. Reach out to me. Yeah, I get it. You're not in control of the show. I'll do plugs the entire time if I want to, Tony Hinchcliffe. That's... Oh, do you have that breaking news sound effect? Yeah, sure I do. Somewhere. I've got some breaking news right now,

guys. Yeah. Guys, I just released my new podcast. That's right, Jeremiah Wonders. It's finally out. You guys have been asking for it. Soundcloud.com slash Jeremiah Wonders,

or you can check it on my website, all that stuff, iTunes, blah, blah, blah. Hey, did you know Kill Tony's going on the road? Wait, what? Yeah, February 1st, we are going to be in Houston, Texas, and we're bringing the whole band. So Jeremiah Watkins, Pat Reagan. You're not bringing the bass guy. We'll get that budget eventually.

Yeah, that's enough. But we're doing Kill Tony there at the Secret Group, followed by a comedy show. Tony Hinchcliffe is headlining. And then the following day, we're going to Hyena's Comedy Club in Dallas, Texas. And we're there the whole weekend, also doing a Kill Tony on Saturday night. You can go to deathsquad.tv. Click on tour dates for that.

Frick yeah. Frick yeah, everybody. Frick yeah. Speed weed. Speed weed's the speed you need. The more the weed, the speed of the beat. Speed weed. Yikes.

Steak them. Get them hot while they're in the frozen aisle. Clappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California. Use discount code GEORGECARLINISDEAD to sign up for your spring MC workshop. Also, squirt the soda better in your mouth than inside your bed. Okay.

Also, I want to give a shout out. Do you see these awesome shirts that Red Van and I are wearing? They're weight gain champion t-shirts. My buddy Nick, I want to thank them. He hand printed these and shipped them all the way from Atlanta. So check out his Instagram at

Luca Clothing, L-U-C-A Clothing Co. And give him some support. And we're going to give you some t-shirts after the show. Sound cool, guys? Wow. What a great 2018, Jeremiah. Does your business have any New Year's resolutions?

Yeah, we're looking for some new members of the band. Oh, good. Well, here's an important one. Every business done a better job of transforming how you find the right talent than they have. Like, they're trying to find talent better than you got. How would you do that, right? Wait, ZipRecruiter posts your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards with just one click? Huh?

Then ZipRecruiter actively looks for the most qualified candidates and invites them to apply? What? No wonder 80% of all the employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site in just one day! What? Get a quality candidate through the site in just one day. What? Find out today why ZipRecruiter has been used by businesses of all sites and industries to find the most qualified job candidates with immediate results. And right now, my listeners can post their jobs on ZipRecruiter for free.

That's right. Free. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. Had to read that one. That's ZipRecruiter slash kill Tony. One more time. Try it for free. ZipRecruiter.com slash kill Tony. You're gonna

love it. We're almost there, guys. Hey, we're gonna have a special, very special end of the show tonight. If you stay and accept a challenge that we're about to do, you get to do two minutes. If you didn't get your name called up out of the bucket. But you have to do something, and it involves milk.

That's your first clue. That's the teaser. That's the teaser for this. So if you didn't get called up at the end, you might get called up and you might have to do a challenge and you might have to like spicy foods. Well, let's welcome our guest of the show. You've seen him

on Showtime's I'm Dying Up Here. You may have seen him on Workaholics. I absolutely love this guy. I hand-picked him to be on the show with us tonight. Please welcome my buddy, Eric Griffin. Ladies and gentlemen, come on. Hello? Yeah.

I'm not on, bro. Yeah. Now we got to do it. This is it. This is a... This... Check, check. Yeah. Try it now.

There it is. Yeah, that's right. Kill Jeremiah is off to the smoothest start in podcast history. Right. This is kind of like when you go to a play and it's the understudy. You know what I mean? And you're like, oh, well, okay. We'll try to enjoy it.

I guess we're here. I guess we're here. Okay. It is raining out. I don't want to go back outside in the rain, do I? This is like you turn on I Love Lucy and it's I Love Ethel. You know what I mean? Like, where's I Love Ethel. You know what I mean? Like,

where's Lucy? I thought... No, we love Jeremiah. Give it up for Jeremiah, everybody. I also think it's bullshit that you had to gain 30 pounds. I mean, I should be hosting this show then. What the fuck is going on? Maintain 30 pounds overweight. That should be

the next challenge. Exactly. Well, then Redman will be. Redman? What maintain 30 pounds overweight. That should be the next challenge. That's the next challenge. Well, then Redman will be. Redman? What the fuck, motherfucker? You a big motherfucker? What are you talking about, motherfucker? You act like you slim over there. Redman don't like.

He's starting to hide behind the mic stand. He's like, what are you talking about? I just love getting on him. We don't have no sound effects for that? All right. He's not going to optionally put sound effects against himself. He does. All right.

Go ahead. Well, I'm very excited to bring out the band. As many of you know, as part of the condition of Tony losing and me winning, I got to host the show, but Tony gets to take my place in the band, and he has to commit to a character the entire episode. He had to pick an instrument and he had to pick a character that is unknown to me. I have no idea. We did not talk about it. I'm very

excited to see what the band came up with. Feminist Felicia, maybe? Who knows? Please welcome to the stage my pals, the Kill Tony band, Pat Reagan, Joel Jimenez, Christopher Dillon And the newest band member Tony Hinchcliffe

To the stage Oh no Oh, no. Oh, no. We already had white reggae. Now we got this shit. Fuck. Tony Hinchcliffe joined the band. I've never... What kind of instrument is that? What is that?

First of all... Oh, my God. What kind of instrument is that? It's a fucking melodica, dude. So we actually know these characters. Props to Brian Redband on his timing, dude. Fuck yeah, bro. Jeremiah, do you have anything else you wanted to plug before this show?

Great start, dude. Fuck yeah, man. Natural born host. What is this show? Great start, dude. Fuck yeah, man. Natural born host. What is this character? Okay, so that's what I was going to try to get to. So we've actually seen these guys before. They're a bunch of douchebags. Yeah, they're

Fred Durst loving douchebags. You know what? I'm really surprised that Tony picked to be a douchebag that's quite a stretch for character work for Tony Hinchcliffe shit's pretty fucking easy dude Yeah, I like it. Dude, I don't think Red Band came to work today.

Fuck yeah, dude. Liver failure, bro. day liver failure bro hey guess what else i taught myself in five minutes earlier he's really making your job look real easy you over here fucking up to Holston and Tony in five minutes. Dude, I know your whole fucking record collection. JW, the two part discography

did. How are the how are the other douchebags doing? How's it going over there? Oh, just dreaming of puss, dude. That's it. All right, yeah, I figured about as much. Figured about as much. Well, here on Kill Jeremiah,

we have comedians that put their name in a bucket. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. And I'm going to draw them throughout the episode of this show. So smooth, dude. You make it look easy, bro. And basically what's going to happen... This is like when Leno was sick. You know what I mean?

Look at Joan Rivers over here. You have one minute to try to kill Jeremiah. Yeah, that's right, guys. But whenever you reach a minute, you better wrap it up or you're going to bring out the golden goose. That's it? And if you run over a minute, guys, you're going to bring out

those sultry sounds of Baker Street. Wow. Everybody is so shocked that Tony is good at blowing. Oh. Who the fuck's Tony, dude? Sorry, Brony. Brony. All right. Brony?

Brony. Without further ado, without further ado, who's ready to get this show started and be the first guest on Kill Jeremiah? Whoop, whoop. All right, I'm mixing it around real well, and I'm choosing from Ichabod's Bucket of Destiny and the first comedian coming to the stage

is Stephen Kyle Garcia, ladies and gentlemen. He was a bulldog. He was a good friend of mine. I never understood a single word he said. But I hope he loves his life. Fuck. It's like the Golden Globes taking forever to get to stage. Sorry.

Just a little PSA for you guys today. Don't throw anything at somebody on mushrooms. It's a really bad fucking idea. Like, throwing things at people is a bad idea to begin with, but when they're on mushrooms, yeah, you just enter the fucking danger zone. Don't do that. So I threw something at my buddy while we were peeking on mushrooms, and his instant reaction is to fucking jump up like jackie chan

with his chinese get up on his feet in seconds and then he's fucking screams the phrase something fucking jumped inside of me not oh something's crawling i mean something fucking jumped inside of me so the second he i he says that i forgot that i threw the rock because i was fucking petrified that something's gonna jump inside of me me. So I was like, oh, fuck, I'm going to stay away from over there. You know, nothing jumps in me. And yeah, that's what fucking happened. Ooh. You're looking for the goose, huh? Oh, yeah. Not the golden goose that I was looking for. So yeah, kill Jeremiah, guys.

Woo, Jeremiah Watkins. This is fucking bad. Thank you. Guys, give it up for Stephen Kyle Garcia. Wow. Really stretched that 20 seconds. Stephen Kyle and Garcia. Yes, sir.

It's the whitest Mexican name you'll ever hear. Yeah, I was gonna say, can you pick a... Yeah, his first two names go to skate parks, and his third name sells tamales on corners. They're good tamales! You watch your fucking mouth! Thank you,

Joel Berg. Dude, it fucking sucks being this close to strangers. Fuck yeah, dude That was Steve and Kyle Garcia, ladies and gentlemen Give it up, we're gonna go back to the bucket Wow That's it, we didn't even That was a speedway

Hold on Yeah, that's right I freaking did that I've wanted to do that so many freaking times Sitting over there. He didn't fill his freaking minute. He's done. Back to the bucket.

Wait. Goddamn, that's awesome. This is Kill Jeremiah now. But, Jeremiah, you're not going to rudely interview the guy? No, man, that's not me, dog. You're not going to make him feel shit about his dreams? No, this is Kill Jeremiah. We put out positive vibes.

You're not going to let the segment go on and on and on? No, we do a short here at Kill Jeremiah. Wow. Fuck yeah, dude. Make it about everybody's sets instead of showing our skill set. Fuck yeah, dude. Make it about everybody's sets instead of showing our skill set. Fuck yeah, dude. This next comedian coming to the stage... I'm so glad I'm here.

That statement showed a lot. Anywho, next comedian coming to the stage is Adam Alemo. Adam Alemo. His last name is Lamo? Guys, hurry up! Come to the stage faster!

to the stage faster. How y'all doing? Hey. So recently I started wearing Magnum condoms because just for the job you want, right? Not the job you have. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. It's kind of weird that nobody uses voodoo dolls for nice things Everybody just hurts people with voodoo dolls And it's like, you could really easily jerk somebody off with that voodoo doll And make their day Just in a boardroom Nice, yes, nice Folks, that's how I come.

What else? You know, I think that's got to be it. I'm sorry. That's got to be it. And Lamo was his name-o. All right, that was Adam Malemo, everybody. And that was a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, no, no, no. Why am I getting... You're not Mexican. You can stay. Wow. Man, this is like the Golden Globes. That added an extra sting whenever he rim-shotted me after I was a racist comment. Perfect.

I liked your first 40 seconds a lot. That was really funny. Dress for the job you want, right, guys? Wait, wait. Is that your big advice right there? Who am I to give advice? You're right. I'll take it from here.

No, you were funny. That was good. Thank you. You should be finished, though. You got a minute, motherfucker. You know what I mean? Yeah, I'm sorry. You weren't prepared? I didn't know that I was having a name in a bucket tonight, actually. Yeah, my friend signed me up.

So lame-o. But you're a stand-up comedian, right? Yes. I've never seen this show before. I was ill-prepared. Is that why your voice screeched like Michael J. Fox? Like, ah! At certain points of your act.

That's just my voice. That's your voice? Fuck yeah, dude. Where are you from? I'm from Philadelphia. Philadelphia? You live out here now? Yes I do, I've been out here about a year now

Do you have any special talents? Good question bro And where are you from again? I am from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania And how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing stand-up comedy off and on for just over a year now. Okay, and what's your special skill?

My special skill would have to be how humble I am. Eating pussy, dude. That's what that sounded like to me, dude. Oh, damn. I'm alright at that. And where are you from again? And dude.

He learned his at the... It's a running thing. And dude. And dude. And dude. Dude. And dude. How much would you not pay to fuck a goat?

Good question, dude. Choose wisely, dude. All right, that was Adam Alemo, everybody. It's Alemo time on Twitter. Yeah. Hey, do you want to go to hashtag kill Jeremiah? Yeah. What was up with that goat?

That was cool. Tony Hinchcliffe throwing down, playing an instrument. He clearly learned to play that within the last week. I was thinking more like questions and comments that we would read. Yeah. Eric, how are you doing, buddy? I never thought I'd say this, but I kind of miss Tony. I miss feminists like, you know, you're good over here.

You know what I mean? This might be your fault. It's a different flavor. It's a different flavor. This is like Ringo trying to sing. You know what I mean? I take offense to that. Ringo's a good singer!

Great drummer! Shut up, Eric! Oops. I got the drummer. That whole drummer nation just got mad at me right now. This next comedian coming to the stage

with an uninterrupted minute. Oh, sorry. That was for me, everybody. Please welcome Akeem Woods to the stage. Akeem Woods! Black people! Yay! My name is... Thank you. my name's Akeem, because my mom loved the movie Coming to America,

and shitty name. A little bit more about myself, I am recently gay, and I love that sentence, I'm not recently gay, I've been gay, I just got caught, like that's all that happened. I forgot to lock the door, that's what happened to you guys. But when it came to, you gay, I'm like caught. Like, that's all that happened. I forgot to lock the door. That's what happened, you guys. But when it came to, like, you gay, I'm like, yeah, you right, boo, and I skipped away. That's what gay people do.

We skip and suck dick. Sometimes at the same time, but it's complicated, but we do it. And I don't think it sucks about being gay. It's like I have terrible gaydar, so I'm constantly hitting on straight people. But I've realized that's dangerous. But the way to do it is you've got to be discreet about it. Like, for instance, if I'm trying to fuck Tony, which I am, I can't just be like, yo, Tony, we fucking? Like, no, I've got to be discreet about it.

So what I do is like, hey, Tony, do you have a girlfriend? And if he says yes, I'm like, yo, me too. Vagina's amazing. And then we high five. And then we high five. then we high five and then i smell my hand uh what that's my time guys minute give it up for akim woods i did it guys what was that last thing that you played? Charge, dude. That's fucking right, dude.

Nice. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.

Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. So easy. I'm very excited.

You just said awesome for an hour. I don't know. I like the show, I guess. Man, I don't know about you guys, but I'm having a blast right now. That's my pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. Awesome. All right, Akeem. That's my pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. Awesome. All right, Akeem.

Great set, first of all, until it just kind of got a little creepy there at the end. That's what you got to do. I know. Tony's right there. That was the whole point. Who the fuck's Tony, dude? Yeah, who's Tony? What the fuck?

He wants to fuck Brony. I get that. So, okay, if you were to ask Tony Hinchcliffe out on a date, how would it sound? Good question, dude. I'd be like, yo, dude, you want to do gay stuff later? That's it. Are gay people that straightforward yeah it's the best thing about being gay dude we just fuck yeah it's pretty dope you should try it have you ever

had sex in a bush before in a bush like outside yeah yeah was i supposed to lie to you motherfuckers i don't know you motherfuckers yeah i fucked I fucked in a bush. Why not? I like how at first he sounded really offended by my statement. He's like, yeah, man, I'm gay. I have sex with bushes. Yeah, dude. Oh, we have a new segment that we'd like to bring onto the show. Sometimes...

Sometimes... Go ahead. Yeah, keep breaking format. Awesome. It's working so well so far. Another new segment. Fuck yeah. Sweet. I'm glad we're getting some positive encouragement from the douchebags over there. This next segment that we're about to do, sometimes if you normally watch this podcast,

Tony Hinchcliffe gets real mad at Red Band for saying dirty things. Me too, dude. This segment is called Let's Get Dirty with Red Band. Let's get dirty with Red Band. What'd I do this time? He's Red Band. Wow, I wonder

who produced this segment. Hey, I got another segment idea. It's called Let's Not Get Paid by ZipRecruiter. Dude, fuck yeah! Who gives a fuck? Let's call Get Paid by Zip Recruiter, dude. Fuck yeah. Who gives a fuck? Let's call it that. Hey, I got a new segment. It's called Burn the Whole Fucking Thing Down.

Fuck yeah, dude. I love how Tony is trying his hardest to commit to a character, but he's like boiling inside. Fuck. Dude, I'm totally happy right now. Wreck the whole fucking thing fuck yeah my balls are filled with fire dude

who likes fans and money fuck that shit so have you ever had sex with a guy and then sucked his dick while there was shit on it no thank you this has been let's get Dirty with Redman.

Let's Get Dirty with Redman. That was a really graphic question. Jeremiah, that was a great segment, dude. Thanks, dude. That was good. I like that, but honestly,

I feel like you have. Nope. Probably that time you were in the bush, bro. Well, you couldn't see in the bush. Nah, Well, you couldn't see. You were in the bush. Nah, this is regular sex, dude. I use condoms.

That's good. Yeah, I'm not a hoe. I don't know why, but I love hearing a man say, I'm not a hoe. Yeah. Man, I wish you didn't use condoms, dude. What is happening? Which one of you said it?

That was Joel. That was Joel. I mean, if you want to do it, we can do it. That was not Joel. His name is Joel Jimenez. No, no, no, no, no, no. His name is Joel Jimenez. No, no, no.

I like TLC. I think you should wear protection. I think you should, you know, protect yourself. I don't want no script. This is exactly what I imagined. Now, you said that you... You said that you recently were gay. Yeah, I came out like two years ago.

Now, is it true that you got caught having sex and then that kind of pushed you out of the closet a little bit more? Yeah, and then I came out in the gayest way possible via Facebook. I was like, hey, everybody, guess what? Like, motherfucker, we knew. Did you make a Facebook video? No, I just made one of those long-ass... Yeah, well, yeah, you're right.

I just made a long-ass post, and everyone was like, oh, you mean it keeps not getting pussy? Well, we knew, but now he's honest about it. Your status said, closet doors don't lock. That's fair. He can't be unsupervised, you know what I mean? How long have you lived in Los Angeles? About a month.

Digging it so far? It's all right. Yeah? Yeah. I'm not a huge fan, but I'm not against it. We'll see what happens. Okay. I like that. It's good to Yeah? Yeah. I'm not a huge fan, but I'm not against it. We'll see what happens. Okay. Yeah.

I like that. It's good to have passion, dude. Have you ever hooked up with a woman? No. No? That sounds terrible. What about a guy that looked like a woman? No, just dudes with nice dicks.

That's it. That's what I'm doing. Wow. Yeah. I kissed three chicks because I kept losing it to nice dicks. That's it. That's what I'm doing. Wow. Yeah. I kissed three chicks because I kept losing it. I spit in the bottle. That's all that happened. I kissed three chicks. So you're a bottom? No, it depends on the dude. I do both.

Are you trying to fuck? Because we can do it. You're trying to do it. Because I'll fuck just because I'm bored. So if you want to do it. When you say good dick, if you're a top, who cares if he has a dick? Top likes both. I like both. No, I just think when you say good dick, like, if you're a top, who cares if he has a dick? No, a top likes dick, too. Top likes both. Like, I like both.

Dick, butt. I think I'm watching those two fall in love over there right now. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Someone wants to get in Red Band's bread pan. I do like white guys, though. I like white guys, though. Boo. And that's how you get Spanish dudes on the low You say white guys like ah shit

Oh yeah papi I thought your set was funny Thank you dude Is that a Star Wars hoodie? Yeah dude You're like Empire Strikes Bareback You know what I'm saying? Whoa

That was good. That was good. Tonight the music seems so loud. That was good. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. He couldn't help himself. He got it in. I know, dude.

He got it. Give it up one more time for A it in. I know, dude. He got it. Give it up one more time for Akeem Woods, ladies and gentlemen. Tony Punn. That was fun. Hey, Josh. Can we say hi to my girlfriend who's watching live right now? Hi, Rachel. Rachel, what's up?

Eric Griffin's girlfriend. Yeah. Josh, can I have a drink? Yeah. And Jeremiah, could I get some milk and chocolate, please? Whoa. This next comedian coming to the stage. I didn't know you could do that.

You want to read it for us, Eric? I think it's Sean Curran. Karen? Sean Curran. Come on up to the stage. Come on up on stage. No. I don't want.

Oh, sorry. Right. So everybody's getting these DNA tests done nowadays. So I went ahead and I got one. I'm black and white. I thought it was Puerto Rican. I have cerebral palsy, so, you know, growing up, when my mother used to tell me I was special, she really meant it, you know. She really meant it. One good thing about having cerebral palsy

I never had a workout I have retard strength I have the strength of 10 men I'm the strongest man in my village nah for real though in high school I was a wrestler in high school you know I was like a team's rally dog it was a wrestler in high school, you know?

I was like the team's rally dog. It would be the end of the match, you know, the end of the practice. It would be like telepathy. You know, my teammates would look over at me and they would be like, even he's doing it. I was like the human Gatorade commercial. It was like Gatorade Edge. Even Sean's doing it. Thanks, guys.

Sean, Karen. Sean, Karen. Yeah, yeah. Don't take this the wrong way, but I've never seen a cerebral palsy guy with so much swagger before. Oh, thanks, dude. You punks do good at the cerebral palsy bar, right? You just come in shaking it. You're like, what's up, girl?

And girls come over What's up cutie Actually by the way Regardless of cerebral palsy and all that You were really funny I thought you came up here with a lot of confidence. You know what I mean? So a lot of you people that don't work hard at comedy

with all your fucking excuses, you know what I'm saying? Get your shit together. Get it together. Fuck yeah. I got something sincere to say. Oh, fuck. You gonna try I got something sincere to say. Oh, fuck. I didn't even...

You gonna try to fuck him too? No. Hey. Dude. Fuck yeah, we went from bareback to bentback. No, no. I didn't hear a word of your set. But it was funny from watching you from the back.

I felt like you kind of like... You were just funny even without hearing what you were saying. And I think that's something. I think you gotta be funny without being funny sometimes. Joel, that was maybe one of the most sincere things you've ever said. Thank you, that's why I'm here. Hey dude, can I break character and say something sincere for a second? Right?

Sincerity, some people don't like sincerity. sincere for a second? Right? Sincerity. Some people don't like sincerity. Moving on. Dude, I have some sincerity, too. I think it's great that you support your dry cleaner who also has cerebral palsy. Oh, yeah. That shit's wrinkled, bro. He's right next to me.

How long have you been doing comedy? Ten months. Ten months? Yeah, ten months. Good for you. That's a good months. 10 months? Yeah, 10 months. Good for you. That's a good question. All right. Yeah.

That's nice. A Twitter user wants to know, what's in this dude's pockets? Yeah, what is in your pockets? Yeah. I got my iPhone. Oh. Yeah, he's got to have a phone. I don't know.

Probably like a wallet. Got a wallet. You keep it in the front, not in the back. Got my car key. I got just the key. You drive, dude? Yeah, what kind of car do you have? My car has cerebral palsy.

It's like dented up and shit. Fuck yeah, fender bender, bro. Your eyebrows are on fleek. They're still saying that? I wish you had kept... I wish you had kept... Your eyebrows are on fleek. They're still saying that? I wish you had kept... I wish you had kept... I wish you had kept pulling shit out of your fucking pockets. Oh, I got more, though.

I actually got more. This is a bottle of milk and magnesia. This is a... Wait, I had more. This is a decorative wristwatch. Fuck yeah, that's my boy, Patty Reagan. Oh, this is a good question. Veronica Morphin asked,

was it difficult getting tattoos with your disease because, you know, like sitting still and stuff? Nah, I just, I just smoked before I went and so it loosens, you know, like sitting still and stuff? Nah, I just smoked before I went. And so it loosens, you know what I mean? It loosens. I make sure to smoke or eat edibles before. And that was just, yeah, it was a blast. So it was cool for me.

Awesome. Sounds like the cure for cerebral palsy. Yeah, for real. I mean, you have to. Finally, the medical marijuana doctor is like, wait, I got this. You mean they'll stop shaking? Wow.

All right. Have you ever sang for a punk band? No, but I do like some punk music, though. You should sing for a punk band. You said you sing? Oh, no, no I do like some punk music, though. You should sing for a punk band. You said you sing? Oh, no, no. Joel, I've never heard you be so sincere. I'm just trying, man.

New year, new me, you know? Moving on. Back to you in the studio, Jeremiah. Well, Sean, we really enjoyed your set, and hit up Josh Martin after the show. We're going to give you one of these T-shirts, buddy. That was awesome. Thanks a lot.

Good job, man. Get over Sean and Karen, guys. Excellent job, man. Get over Sean Cairn, guys. Excellent job, man. Excellent job. Yeah. Shit, I did palsy over here. We need to get a lady up here. Doing it strong.

I know, right? Oh, man, this milk is good. Yeah, what is this chocolate? You got a little reindeer chocolate. Yeah. You're going to dip it in the milk or what? I might. Don't tempt me.

Fuck yeah. You know what? That last guy was great. You guys should, like, give him a T-shirt or something like that. I think we will, douchebag. Hey, is Eric going to need to help you read this next name? I'm trying to freaking include the guests over here. Be a team ensemble.

Okay. Eric, will you help me? By the way, this is really weird. Oh, Natalie Portman will love this. It's actually a girl. You guys get that joke? You didn't see the Golden Globes? Natalie Portman was doing the director's thing,

and the guy was like, and the nominees for director, and she was like, and they're all men. Yeah. Fucking white men suck. Next year it'll be a participation award for the Golden Globes.

Oprah 2020. Coming to the stage, Marissa Tandon. Yeah. Happy Valentine's Day baby. I'm trying to hold back my feelings.

Blacklisted. Aw. I want to see Marissa. And this is why we don't nominate women. There it is right there. Hot take. Hot take. Just kidding, everybody.

Just relax. Where you going to be at on game day? Huh? You still in the locker room, bitch. What's going on, huh? You all scared? You got to get hype, girl. Come on, come on. Get into this game.

I can't get over the fact that Jeremiah is drinking Comedy Store milk. Vitamin L. Yeah, what the... That is... Vitamin Jeff Scott. Oh.

That is... Vitamin Jeff Scott. We do have a lady coming to the stage. She's very funny. She's been on the show before. Please welcome Jihan Sabir, everybody. She's coming from the back corner of the room, ladies and gentlemen. Keep it going for Jihan.

One more time, guys. Here we go. Yeah, do you feel like a real baby? It's beautiful. Have you guys heard of this restaurant? It's called Soup Plantation. You heard of this place? I'm told Soup Plantation. You heard of this place? I'm told it's delicious.

I don't know. I've never been there. Because they have two things I don't really fuck with. Soup and plantations. Like, plantations make me nervous for some reason um i just want to know like what the fuck was that meeting like to name that restaurant you know they're like well we gotta have soup in the name because we sell soup but what else? Soup museum? Bigger.

Soup farm? Bigger. Soup plantation? That's it? Thank you. Gian Sabir, ladies and gentlemen. What's up? I'm so happy.

Yeah, we're so happy you're here. We're here for Kill Jeremiah. Super excited. You've been on the show before. I have. Done really well. In past episodes, people have listened to the show, and this set was, again, really good.

I enjoyed it. Do we get a pass, Eric? Am I a woman who can get a nomination? No, I'm just wondering where the fuck he's going to go with this. Only to be fair, we're equal opportunists here at Kill Jeremiah.

We did Let's Get Dirty with the Red Band earlier to a male. We're going to kick it back to that segment with Let's Get Dirty with the Red Band earlier to a male. We're going to kick it back to that segment with Let's Get Dirty with the Red Band one more time. Let's get dirty with Red Band. This isn't the climate for this. We got a lot of demographics right here that you don't want to be fucking with right now.

Have you ever sucked on a shit dick when giving a blowjob? No, sir. What I do this time. Dude, sometimes you have to ask yourself, was it worth it? So bad, dude. I thought you were funny, by the way. Nice misdirection.

We all thought you were going to say salad. You know what I mean? Thanks. I did, because I was thinking that, too. Yeah, I don't like salad, either. That wasn't... Okay, I'm just... Jesus Christ.

That's what I thought, Tony. I don't know much, dude, because I'm just a lowly douchebag melodica player, but I think your Sioux plantation joke is so good that you should rework the whole second half of it and make it even stronger and better and talk about more shit and change it up. Because the original punch is so fucking good, dude. It's so good that it could be even better and greater. And that big laugh that you get, you're milking it, but I think you could do even better and bigger because it's even bigger. Maybe you can ask yourself about how many

black people work there and things like that. You know what I mean? Yeah, I didn't get to the rest of the joke but thank you. I did. Wow, this fucking Fred Durson personator is really insightful. Yeah, I don't know. That's just a douchebag's opinion.

Fuck yeah, I'm a big douchebag. You look like you did it all for the cookie. Fuck yeah. Yeah, good advice. Didn't get to the whole joke, asshole. He's mad, because last time I was on, I roasted his ass. Oh. Looks like I wasn't the only thing you've roasted lately.

Oh. What have you done for me? Is that all you got? That's all you got? That's all you got? Fat jokes? I'm. Tony, I'm just so happy that tonight you're not dressed like a fucking Pokemon trader.

Oh, thank you. That joke was almost about as precious as you are. Okay. And one, two, three, four. I'll give you that. I'll give you that one. Holy crap. Holy crap.

Holy crap. Holy. Wow. Oh, my God. This is fun. So how long have you been doing comedy? I think this is the first time that Jihan's not going to go back for seconds. No, no, no.

You have to commit to it. You fucking pussy. He was all like, this is the first time. He was looking at her with his eyes like, I'm so sorry. I'm about to say this. I'm so sorry. I'm not inherently mean. But you're apparently a pussy.

Jesus Christ. Oh, my gosh. It was a good set. You got great chemistry. You got good stage presence. And I enjoyed. It was a good set. You got great chemistry. You got good stage presence and I enjoyed how you put the joke together and I think you should keep doing it, obviously. And, you know, good work.

Thanks. Yeah. One more time for Jihan Sabir, ladies and gentlemen. At Jihan Sabir on Twitter. That was really good. That was awesome. You're welcome to a t-shirt as well after the show. You piece of shit.

Oh my goodness. The only person who writes in all capital letters and black sharpie. Please welcome the legend, Aphrodite, to the stage. Fucking Jeremiah. I gotta tell y'all something. I got problems. I got some fucking problems.

A while back, I was homeless, and I got eight days at the motherfucking Cecil Hotel. But the only thing, I thought it was a good deal, but I didn't know it had a history of motherfucking serial killers. I stayed eight days in a hotel with motherfucking serial killers are you kidding me I'm a black woman I'm not used to being around serial killers gang makers yeah but not motherfucking serial killers

I can't go out with no white guys they're all serial killers I seen them on TV I'm telling you I'm totally chromatized I know something was really strange every time I went to my room. I was like, get in the fucking room really fast. I probably spoke to Richard Ramirez in the

motherfucking hallway, okay? That's fucked up. That's really fucked up staying in a hotel with some people jumping out the window and shit back during their time. Motherfucking bodies found up on the top of the fucking hotel. What the fuck? Aphrodite.

There you go. I wanted you to keep going because I thought you were going to get even higher as you went on. I thought it was like a glass was going to break. I had a fucking pipe in my pocket. You little water bong, dude.

That was a weird set for you because you really, I had no idea what you were saying. You seemed like an auctioneer. That's all it was. Because I played the fear after finding out from a fucking TV show I've been in a hotel with serial killers. You've got these ups and downs today. I'm totally chromatized, man. I feel like you had the cadence that set, but not the punchlines.

Like, kind of like... Well, let me just punch your ass. You look like you just discovered vocal infliction. Alright, I'll get the punchline. I'll punch all you motherfucking serial killers up here. Hey, that was... Serial killers! Serial killers! Serial killers? I'll get the punchline. I'll punch all you motherfucking serial killers up here. Serial killers!

Serial killers! Don't you mean serial killers? All of them. Well, Jeremiah was killing that serial. That's how he won. Thank you. You're trying to say I should just talk about dick like I did before, right? We just couldn't understand you. I think a lot of us couldn't understand.

I was so frightened. I saw this TV show and I'm still... Yeah, but we don't have any idea what you're talking about. Serial killers! Wait, wait, wait. Just honestly, from the audience, could you understand, like, could you understand the words coming out of her mouth? I'll shoot all you

motherfuckers. You understand that, right? We got one person. You're on a different level today. Man, I'm totally chromatized. I just can't get it. I'm sorry. Chromatized?

Yeah, you're... Wait, hold on a second. Can we... I'm just... Dude, I'm going to be totally chromatized. Did you say chromatized? Chromatized too, dude. Is that like chronic?

Yeah, dude. You look like one of my hacky sacks, bro. Hey, you know when you're all stressed out? You're stressed out, you're chromatized. Chromatized? You look like you're Kwanza-tized. Fuck yeah. Sorry, I'm leaving.

No, dude. She just looks like that because they all did that for the Golden Globes or something, dude. See, don't start no shit because there's more white people in here than black, okay? Don't start no motherfucking shit. What? Dude, I love it. It's like the host clocked out five minutes ago, you know what I mean? I want Tony back.

I ain't used to fucking Jeremiah. I want Tony back. Fuck yeah. Normally these interactions with you go so smoothly because of the chemistry between you and the natural host. Dude, fuck yeah. Yeah, yeah, fuck yeah, fuck yeah. He makes it look so easy.

Are you eating a cookie right now? Yeah. Are you pregnant, Jeremiah? Are you pregnant? I'm not. You look pregnant. Do you have any kids, Aphrodite? In my ass only.

Fuck yeah, it looks like triplets. They're moving, they're moving, they're moving. That is a lot of booty, it's a lot of booty. Yeah, this is astronomical. Hey. What are you thinking? It's my my boy Patty Reagan We haven't heard from

Pat Reagan in a while This is a segment called What's my boy Patty Reagan thinking He's frozen I'd rather not share No come on Pat Do tell

You have some jungle fever right now? Come on, come on. Say something. Come on, Pat. All right, well, we always talk about your ass. Your ass is kind of like an upside-down triangle shape. It's kind of lumpy in parts. It's got a big lump, and it's kind of triangle-y.

And I've always been... It's always tickled me a little bit when everybody's like, yeah, Fred, I just got ass. And then you're shaking it around and there's like this hump flopping. And it's like in an upside down triangular shape. Why he got his eyes closed and shit while he's saying that?

Because he's chromatized. Yeah, yeah. He's motherfucking chromatized. He's trying to think about how it's going to feel. This has been What Are You Thinking? with my boy, Patty Reagan. That's not like Dr. Dre's third album.

That's my word because I get tired of white people making up words I don't know how to use. Wait, wait. You said white people making up words? Yeah, y'all got too many motherfucking words. You got too many words. Too many words. Okay. And that too many words. Too many words. Okay.

And that's why I'm chromatized. Chromatized. Do you have any other words that you make up? I just make up all kinds of shit. Like, I got a word because I don't believe in forgiving people. Okay, okay. Because I think when they do shit, they mean to do it. So my answer is fuck give you.

Fuck give you, yeah. Forgiveness. It's healthier. I'm sorry. Forgiveness. It's healthier than forgiveness. Because you fuck them. No.

Into forgiveness. No, fuck them into forgiveness. No, no, you just don't give a fuck and you're not giving them any motherfucking thing. Did you get into like a box or something today that had a bunch of things in it and you were like what are these things? And it was like needles and pills. I had trouble getting out of my dryer today.

Dryer? Oh, so you did get into a box of shit and you slept in a dryer. Yeah, it's hard when you got a big ass and be in the dryer. That's a double load. Yeah, it really is. It's all fucked up.

I'm chromatized, man. What would you do to Tony if you were alone in a hotel room with him and he was handcuffed to a bed. I would have to take his motherfucking wallet first. Because I know he got some money. And if he don't have no money in the wallet, I'm going to beat his ass.

I think we all want to see that. We all want to see that. White people always got money. I'll take your wallet, because white people always got money. I'll take it wild. White people always got money. Trust and believe that shit. You need to meet some more white people. Yeah.

Look around this room. There's a lot of broke white people in here. Yeah. Got money all back in there and shit. No food stamps, none of that shit. Y'all don't even know what the fuck that is. Okay. Section 8. You motherfuckers don even know what the fuck that is. Okay. Section 8. You motherfuckers don't know what a section 8 is.

You is section 8. I have no clue what you just said. You're completely different than the last couple weeks. Like, you're talking different in the mic. It might be the weed somebody gave me outside. Oh, it's 100% is the weed. Bullshit weed! You are totally different

than you usually are. Except the lipstick is still on the teeth. No! They're lying. They're all fucking lying. They're all serial killers. Even if she's high, I'd like to think that if she got high,

she'd perfectly put on the lipstick. They like it like that. They freaky. They know they like it when I put the lipstick on my teeth. The motherfuckers are freaky up here, okay? They all in pornos. Keep looking. Eric, you know what I look for in a woman? Tell me, Jeremiah.

What you look for? Pussy? I look for a woman who's stoned out of her mind and puts on lipstick all over her teeth. That's a black woman, baby. It's a black thing. You know what I'm saying? I don't think black people are happy that you're lumping that with them right now. Where you at, black people?

I don't see a mother. All the black people are facing the black. Don't we all put this thing on our team? Come on. You can't see the black people. Don't we all put this thing on our team? Come on. You can't see the black people.

We do that. Dude, you're like really good at that fucking character thing, dude. You should do that shit more often, bro. Is it any black people back there? I don't see no black people. Where you do that? Dude, you're like really good at that fucking character thing, dude. You should do that shit more often, bro. Is it any black people back there? I don't see no black people. Where the black people at? Y'all done faded to black.

I don't see none of y'all. Dude, Aphrodite, you're fucking out of it, dude. You're crazy tonight, bro. I'm totally crazy. I'm totally crazy. Give it up one more time for Aphrodite,

at AphroditeLove on Twitter. Can I get my new song right quick? Can you do your what? Just one line for my new song? All right, sure. I'll give you a song. Yeah, give me a beat.

You don't never have to worry. I'll be there in a hurry. And I'll be saving your love. Yeah! Yeah! Thank you, baby! Thank you, Jeremiah. I love you.

Give it up for Aphrodite! Aphrodite! You know, every time I come, I say, this is going to be the last time. You know, every time I come, I say, this is going to be the last time. And then something happens. I don't know.

But I'm definitely chromatized. Fuck yeah, dude. Nobody's stealing your shit, motherfucker. By the way, dude, I just want to tell you, I fucking love you on Workaholics, dude. Nobody's stealing your shit, motherfucker. By the way, dude, I just want to tell you, I fucking love you on Workaholics, dude. Thank you. Next comedian coming to the stage, Willie Simon.

Is everybody in the back? Yeah. Fuck. Cock, cock, cockle, cock. I was raised by lesbians, everybody. Thank you. Yes. That's why I'm so healthy. It's birth through two vaginas.

That's it. No muscle here. It's all placenta, actually. That's why I'm so healthy. It's birthed through two vaginas. That's it. No muscle here. It's all placenta, actually. That's all it is. I'm raw with it. It's great. My mom's was really masculine lesbians, though, so it's less like I had two moms and more like I had three dads. Yeah.

I get home from school, my mom wouldn't be like, hey, honey, how was school? She'd be like, the old Navy men's section's having a sale on cargo shorts. You still the same size as me? Yes, mom. Yes, we've been through this a few times. No, but it's cool being raised by lesbians. You know, you learn a lot.

Like, no matter what, gay, straight, or otherwise, nobody deserves step-parents, right? They're awful. There's nothing good about that. Like, a step-parent's just a big sibling that bangs your mom, right? Thank you, guys. Ah, well done. Well done. How you doing? Willie Simon. That was funny stuff, guys. Well done.

Well done. How you doing? Willie Simon. That was funny stuff, dude. Thank you. Appreciate it. Yeah. It's called jokes, Jeremiah.

Oh. I usually, whenever I start to hear a lesbian premise from a guy comedian on stage, I usually am like, what is this going to be? Is that because you look like one, dude? Oh, shit. Most people are always kind of freaked out. Yeah.

And you really were raised by those people? Yeah, they were super gay, my mom Gayest lady ever Do you ever see her gay it up? No, fortunately I wasn't allowed to go home certain times My mom didn't explain that Did you see your parents fuck?

That's the problem right there Did you ever see your mom suck shit off a dick, Redman? Did you ever see your mom suck shit off a dick Redman Did you ever see your mom suck your dick No it was off a pussy bro Eating shit off pussies Do you find that because you grew up with lesbians You're a little softer

You don't have a Mountain Dew shirt on You have a Lipton shirt on He's right I'm a giant pussy. Well done. That's a good example. Well, like, my moms were like, they were super masculine.

You know, like, my mom was like always chopping down trees and shit in the yard. Like, it's like... Where in the yard was it? No other lesbian is like my mom. She's the gayest lady that there ever was. Like, she was... But how gay is she?

She's so gay. She's dumb, yeah. She was... But how gay is she? She's so gay. She's dumb, yeah. She played softball in college. Did she have the mullet? Like, was she like one of those ones? She did, yeah.

Oh, wow. Is that her hoodie? It's her shirt. Now, dude, is your other mom like more, like, attractive? Did you have a lipstick lesbian mom?

She's like a taller version of my mom. Oh, weird. It was weird. I don't know. So a bigger bulldog lesbian. Yeah, exactly. That was it. She was more like a labradoodle lesbian.

She had curly hair. She was really sweet. Say it slower. What the fuck? Oh, God. Hey, dude. Dude, over here What the fuck? Oh, God. Hey, dude. Dude, over here, dude. Over here, dude.

Over here. Come here. Yeah. Dude, did you ever see or hear your moms have sex? Like, what did it sound like? It was like... Yeah, probably that. It was like, get out of here, William.

Why are you here? You sound like a bunch of chicks, dude. There was a lot of talking afterwards, too. Yeah. Well, my mom had a lot of dogs, so there was a lot of dogs in her room, I think, when they were having sex. What kind of dogs did you have? Like medium-sized dogs. That's usually how people respond.

Yeah, it was a breed. It was a breed of dog, medium dog. What kind of dog do you have? It's a large one. I want to know, how was the sex talk? Did they ever give you a sex talk? I didn't get a sex talk. I just watched porn.

What did they say? Just keep your dick away from everybody. Yeah, exactly. And like, I'd be scratching my balls and be like, William's masturbating again, Molly, and get yelled at. Did your dogs always have lipstick on their stomachs? A lot of peanut butter on their vaginas. How many dogs?

How many dogs exactly? Two. Two dogs. Two dogs, zero dongs. Worth it. What the fuck? We are off the rails now. It's off the rails.

Is it me or are the drums extra loud tonight? It's always that way, bro. Well, I thought your set was funny, by the way. Thanks a lot, man. Well crafted. I thought we learned something about you, and it was very interesting. In that one minute, we were all like, I wonder if he was really raised by lesbians. I want to hear more.

So continue that. It'll be a sitcom on Bravo eventually. Fingers crossed, eh? That's the... It's funny. Give it up for Willie Simon, guys. Thank you, guys. At Trilly Flymon on Twitter.

Yeah. We have a regular on this show every week, and I'm going to honor that here on Kill Jeremiah. So that's the one thing you're going to honor about Kill Tony? But don't worry, we have the challenge afterwards. We do have a challenge afterwards

and if we have enough time, we'll go back to the bucket, which I think we do. She's our regular. We love her here. Please welcome Allie Makovsky to the stage. Please stand aside. What an intro. Happy to be here.

I was reflecting. I remembered that when I was in high school, I tried very hard to tie cherry stems with my tongue, and I thought it would impress guys. And then I realized that guys aren't picturing a hot blowjob when you're tying a cherry stem. They're picturing their dick being wrapped like a bow tie they don't want that i don't know i have a i have a i have two older sisters and guys are always weird about that

they're always like oh are you guys close i'm like i don't know what that means close like we don't talk much like we talk a little bit or like are you asking if i tie my sister's cherry stem in a knot i do have two older sisters and uh and my boyfriend met them and they're hot which is like i'm like can i finish okay great thank you i have two odd older sisters and my boyfriend uh met them and it makes me really insecure i'm like does my boyfriend want to fuck my sisters and the answer is probably and i know that he does because when we got home he was like we should hang out with your sisters more they're super cool and i'm like no i'm the cool one. I have to make up

for not being the hot sister. Thank you guys so much. Ali Makovsky. Yeah. Thank you for the chicken wings. Are you really about to eat chicken wings up here? Yeah, yeah.

That's my show, man. Tony! Tony had to leave, dude. Tony had to take off. What? Yeah, Tony left, but I met a friend backstage. Maybe you guys might want to meet her. What?

What? What? What? What? Sick and tired of this goddamn sausage fest I've been watching. You couldn't wait to put that wig on. This is your moment. This is the secret plan right here. You assholes.

Wow. Oh my goodness. You haven't pulled a single woman out of the bucket. Yeah, we did. We had Jihan earlier. And Aphrodite. Do black women not count to you? Oh.

Wow. How dare you? How dare you? Racist Stacey up here, everybody. No, no, no. She came out. How dare you? Racist Stacey up here, everybody. No, no, no. She came out. How dare you?

I can't believe you would commit to a racist female character, Tony. That is so bizarre. Wow. That's really been... Who's Tony? I'm feminist Tanya. His fucking hair is so annoying. His fucking hair is so annoying. Man, rocking those Michelle Obama arms over there.

Wow, racist. Couldn't be China arms? Who knows what that looks like? Remember China, the wrestler? All right, never mind. She died. Isn't that crazy? R.I.P. Joni Lauer.

That was her name. Allie, you were, you know, you're working on it. I like that new joke. I mean, that, you know. You know, Eric, you're a real fucking pig, man. She does a new minute every single week. How often do you write, you piece of shit? The playing that thing is the best. I notice

your nipples are sticking out through your shirt. Do you not wear a bra? Of course you would say that to a decent woman like myself, Jeremiah. Of course you would point out my nipples because everything's so sexual to you, you piece of shit. How's that feel?

Yeah. You know what? I'm going to give you a t-shirt after the show. Oh, really? You think I need a fucking hand out? Why? Because I'm a fucking feminist? No, because you're a very, very ugly woman.

And you need all the help you can get. I've already started my blog. Allie, I really enjoyed the second half. A little bit slow to get started.

What is that supposed to mean? Like her butt, her second half? What's that supposed to mean? Yeah, Jeremiah, what's that supposed to mean? Yeah, that's the guy I've been fucking, Patty Reagan. What the heck? Yeah, that's the guy I've been fucking. Patty Reagan. Oh man, I'm just going to let this simmer with this crowd. Yeah, it's Mary had a little lamb, not Harry had a little lamb.

There's two eyes in feminists, and I have my two eyes on you, Jeremiah. Man up. For those of you who didn't see feminist Tanya's signs, he came out with a sign that said, Jeremiah is a pig, and then he flashed the sign that said, boycott, kill Jeremiah.

Did you say he? And I don't know why they call it boycott. It should be girlcott. Now, this is... Look how easily he's doing your stick. No, no, no. Look how easily he's transformed into a woman. He's way more comfortable

in this character. It's better than CGI. Wow, I'm really impressed. He looks like the weirdest Star Wars character ever. Or a UFC fighter. Good ones. Allie, have you been on the road much lately?

I'm going to Phoenix, and then I'm doing a festival in Orlando, so I will be. Awesome. Yeah, I'm doing some shows with Russell Peters in Phoenix, and then I'm going to do my own shows in like two weeks after that. Thank you. That's awesome. Making it happen. Look out for Ali in Phoenix and Orlando. Thank you. That's awesome. Making it happen.

Look out for Ali in Phoenix and Orlando. Thank you for doing another great minute on the show, Ali. Thanks, bye. Yep. Ali, everybody. Ali. Want to do one more and then the challenge spot? Yeah, let's do one more and then the challenge spot. Let's see.

Let's see one more and then the challenge spot. Let's see. Let's see here. Coming to the stage, his name is Daniel Valdez. I call that peace, Dad. Thanks. Fuck, you guys are beautiful. What a beautiful crowd, except you, sir. Hi. Do a great charity. Give us some of your good looks. And him, that would be nice.

Life is way too hard, especially when you look like this, okay? I tried to hang myself. Not to kill myself, but to make myself taller. And, um... Fuck. I don't know if it worked, but something really weird happened while I was just hanging around up there all the blood just rushed to my penis and suddenly I got one of the

most largest throbbing erections I've ever had in my life and then I orgasmed one of the most wonderful orgasms I've ever had in my life. And I'm wondering, tall people, does height have anything to do with your orgasms? Like, if you're six feet, sir, on the taller side, are your orgasms more sensational than someone, say, hypothetically speaking, five feet? Does height have anything to do with the sensationalism of your orgasm? Okay, just one. Thank you.

Daniel Valdez. Yeah. You look exactly like a really small version of our friend Benji Aflalo. I know that. Right? Yeah, and he's little. You know what I mean? Yeah. You are a little motherfucker, you know that?

The manlets. The manlet crew. How old are you, buddy? I'm 22. I just turned 22. You even sound kind of like Benji. I love Benji. I feel like you maybe, possibly, specifically, or not, could have maybe had

too many words in your joke. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, wait. Yeah, you... Oh, wait, fuck. Brilliant. I would say, especially these shorter sets... Well played, sir. Well played.

I would say try to avoid maybe crowd work or crowd interaction because it's so dicey. You're just going to need a little bit more time on stage if you're going to interact with the crowd in a minute, especially to get something out of somebody like that quickly. It's kind of hard to do.

Do you know a littler Esther? Yeah, Esther Pudmance. I'm just kidding. Where'd you get the glasses? His joke was, do you know a small version of her so you guys can do your own show? My girlfriend, tiny person, tiny person, tiny person. How big is your girlfriend? She's like four foot eleven. What?

We're like little people, big fucking world, right? But do you feel big when you're with her? You're like, bitch, I will slap you. Everyone's like, you look cool when you're with her. I'm not used to that, Dan. What's the tallest girl you've ever dated? The tallest girl? Well, it was the first girl I was ever with,

and she was like 5'11". Go big or go home, people. She could dunk on you. What did sex with you guys look like? This was like just wonders of the world. Fucking greatest showman shit. Hugh Jackman called me up. He was like, dude.

You guys were so small. Crowdsourcing could have killed you. What the fuck? Crowdsurfing could have killed you. Is that better? No! You guys are real assholes. He hooked up with a 5'11 woman.

That's a good, powerful woman. I'm sure when they 69'd, he sucked on her tits. So, yes. Thank you. Is your whole family small? Yeah. I think the only tall person in my family is my grandpa. Yeah.

How tall is he? Do you look up to him? Oh, hi, Zayn. He's a good man. Very nice. Thank you. He was on Fantasy Island. Everybody's too young.

You don't get to play. They play. Nobody remembers that? What do you think the average size of a dick is? I'm not having an orgasm. What do you think an average size of a dick is? Well, I'd go with the size of mine. So, like, half your body size.

Half your body size. So you're half dick. Yeah, I'm basically half dick. So you're still nearly five inches? Like, puff my jeans too much. It's crazy. It sounds like there's a little bit of your dick caught in your throat. Oh, my God, dude.

It's true. throat. Oh my god, dude. It's true. Do you, like, you said that you had that joke about stretching yourself out through hanging. Do you have fantasies of being a larger man? Oh my god, all the time. No, I don't

think I'd know what to do if I was any taller, you know what I mean? Are you ticklish? I'm so fucking ticklish. I tickle you. Wow. Tony, will you tickle her fucking ticklish. I tickle you. Tony, will you tickle me? I love how you just went, you know. That question tickled me. Like, words tickle me.

I tickle you so much. Oh, man. This is adorable. Have you ever been bench pressed on stage? Dude, they bench press me all the time. That's like the starting, like, I try to go to the gym and they just pick me up and start using me. Tony's been going to the gym so much over this last month, he could probably see it. Tony, Tony.

Who's Tony? Who's Tony? He was going the muscle route, so I think he's probably pretty strong. What do you guys say? What do you think? No. I'll hold this. Who's Tony?

I'll spot you, bro. Get him up, Tony! I'll spot you, bro. Who's Tony? We know Tanya. We gonna do it? You can do it. Who's Tony? Tanya. Give it up for Tanya.

She's gonna bench press. You got space right there. I can't. I can't do it. For your audio listeners, Tony is laying on the ground as a young man is being put on top of him. Whoa. Yes!

Yes! Oh! Oh, now Tony just went under the balls. Wow, yes, all women. That was female empowerment. Good job. I just wanted to put the mic where you needed it. Here you go.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Give it up for feminist Tanya, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Do you take human growth hormone or anything? Wow, it only took you the whole month of December to come up with that one, Jeremiah. Oh, man. Daniel. Yeah. Thanks for being an awesome one, Jeremiah. Oh, man.

Daniel, thanks for being an awesome sport, dude. That was super fun. Thank you for having me. Follow him on Twitter at I'm Daniel Valdez. All lowercase. Thank you. All right.

Do you want to talk about this final challenge, Jeremiah? This final challenge? Okay. This final challenge, this is another thing that has never been done before on the show. Now, does somebody really want to get up that didn't have the fortune to get up? Who out of these people likes spicy foods? Oh, wait. Okay, so an Indian comedian.

All right. We got a couple. Hey, you know who this guy is, right? Who has his own hot sauce? He likes spicy foods. That's easy. I think that's kind of easy, though. I love Dave, but I also kind of want to see somebody.

All right. So there's this thing. Have you been on the show recently, bro? Come on up. All right. Here we go. Why do you say that? This is the Pocky the One Chip Challenge.

Have you heard of this? This is sold out on the Internet for months. And a Kill Tony fan gave me this once. I don't know if he's here in the audience right now. What's your name, sir? Justin. What? Alright.

So, he gave me this and this is the one chip challenge. This is the hottest chip in the world. It has Carolina Reaper all over this shit. We actually have a contract that, sir, that you have to sign. I want you to

read this over and you have to sign this contract. Are you willing to do this? This is dangerous. It's one chip that has Carolina Reaper all over it. It's the hottest chip in the world.

A red band, you might have to explain to everybody what the fuck your little internet sensation thing actually means. That's what I'm doing right now. Carolina Reaper is the hottest pepper in the world. It's been condensed and put on this chip. This is painful to eat.

Do you think you can do this? You have to sign this real quick. This is painful to eat. You think you can do this? Let's do it. All right. We're going to do it. You have to sign this real quick. You have to sign it. Sign there. So what we're going to do is you're going to eat this, and immediately you get to do two minutes.

And when you're done, you get milk, and we have water for you also, okay? Hey. Comedy store milk, so be careful. I also hate you for this. Hey, look at the great idea all the men were able to come up with. We're going to announce him right after he does this. Not only do we not get the ZipRecruiter money, we get sued afterwards. You have to put the whole thing in your mouth, crunch it up, and you've got two seconds.

Then you have to do two minutes. You ready? Great stuff. If somebody else wants to do it. All right, here you got two seconds, then you have to do two minutes. You ready? Great stuff. If somebody else wants to do it. Yeah, yeah. All right, here we go. Jeremiah, get ready to announce it. Here we go. Willie, I want to be not near the...

Point to the audience. Point to the audience. Here, you got to... Give it up for Rob, ladies and gentlemen. And time starts now. I'm going through a breakup right now. It's been three years, so it's not really affecting me, but... Sometimes a nigga be sad. I think the biggest problem is I just have all this free time. And low-key, I'm becoming a sexual deviant. I've literally touched myself so much in the last month.

I've said this out loud. This needs to stop. This needs to... Every man in here knows free time plus man equals destroyed bed, bath, and beyond towels every time. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. My favorite porn is

My favorite porn is interracial porn. I like watching white girls look at black dick like a worthy adversary. Real quick. 20 more seconds. Has anybody ever watched so much porn that the suggestion clip at the end of the clip you just watched is just a normal YouTube fucking video.

Give it up for Rob Smallwood, ladies and gentlemen! If there's bread in the chicken, bread in the kitchen, bring him some bread as well. Guys. Guys, give it up. That was amazing. He just did the spiciest challenge in the world and then did two minutes of amazing stand-up comedy right after. That's legendary. challenge in the world and then did two minutes of amazing stand-up comedy right after. Fucking awesome. That's legendary.

How do you feel? Like shit. Show them. Show them. Show them. What am I showing them? My throat? Do you feel nephoric? I mean, like, it's in your face. Yeah, what's happening? It's just my throat!

You know, for a moment, we didn't believe it was hot, right? I know! You were so fucking smooth. It was like the first minute, I was like, that shit ain't hot. He ate that so confidently, and then he, like, started his first joke, and I was like, okay. Drink more milk, that so confidently and then he like started his first joke and I was like okay drink more milk man drink more milk milk chocolate

will help you I guess that's insane if you want to eat any of this paper yeah that was amazing man thank you so much for this wonderful

occasion. I tell you what, if you want to do the next Death Squad show at the Ice House, I'll talk to you after the show. And guess what? You just earned yourself a regular spot on hashtag Kill Jeremiah.

Yeah, but... Wait, hold on, but we're never doing Kill Jeremiah again. This is some... Oh, you can say that again. What's your Twitter? Robbie Smalls. At Robbie Smalls.

Don't touch your eyes. Don't touch your face. At Robbie Smalls. Don't touch your eyes. Don't touch your face. At Robbie Smalls on Twitter. Definitely give him some love on Twitter. Guys, that's our show. Did you have a good time tonight? Wow. ZipRecruiter.com.

Slash Kill Tony. Get a free go at it. Eric, Eric Griffin, give it up for Eric Griffin, ladies and gentlemen. I handpicked you as my guest, and you came through just as much as I knew you would, brother. Season two of I'm Dying Up Here,

May 6th. Ryan J. Ebelt did. Look at what our house artist Ryan J. Ebelt drew for us, huh? Give it up for Ryan J. Ebelt did. Look what our house artist Ryan J. Ebelt drew for us. Give it up for Ryan J. Ebelt. Oh, yeah. That is so... Wow. He got Tony as a woman drawn.

Wow. RyanJEbelt.com. He draws every show. You know what I really want to see? I want to see this cerebral palsy guy eat the pepper. What if it's straight in his arm? That's how he got cerebral palsy. Red Band.

Yeah, we just have those Houston and Dallas shows coming up. Yeah. February 1st and 2nd. February 1st, Houston. February 2nd and 3rd, Dallas. Give it up for the band, the Kill Tony band, ladies and gentlemen. Tony Hinchcliffe

or Feminist Tanya, do you have anything to plug? I don't know what the fuck that's supposed to mean. Is it my period or something? Plug my pussy? That's some very disrespectful shit. I'm just a really big fan. I don't know if I ever get to talk about it. I'm a really

big fan of Tony Hinchcliffe. He has a lot of amazing... This weekend he's in Chicago and then he's in Philadelphia right after that. And then Kill Tony's in Houston, Dallas, and stand-up shows and everybody in the band is on them. So I know I'm going to be traveling all around

to see those Tony Hinchcliffe shows. And you should too. TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets. Rebecca, Jeremiah, I'm sorry to say it was really uncomfortable having Tony so far away from me. It was really hard to do that. Yeah, you guys have done over 240

episodes of this show. That was hard. Give it up for Tony and Red Band episodes of this show. That was hard. That was really hard. Give it up for Tony and Red Band for this amazing show, this amazing format. My boy, Patty Reagan, do you have anything to plug? Listen to John Coltrane. John Coltrane. We also have a new video out called Skate Dads.

Check that out. Chris Dillon, do you have anything to plug? At Chroma Chris on Instagram. Joel Jimenez. Joelberg. Give it up for Joelberg, ladies and gentlemen. Yo, I'm looking for drummers in Houston and Dallas to let me borrow stuff while we're there.

If you play drums here in Houston and Dallas, bring me your stuff. I'll use it. Thanks. We can't bring a drum kit on Spirit. Am I supposed to carry it on? No, no, no. I've got GarageBand. ZipRecruiter, once again, we need more money, ladies and gentlemen, so the band doesn't have to fly Spirit.

Go to ZipRecruiter.com. You're flying Spirit no matter what, Jeremiah. Even if it was in the budget, you're in spirit for life. Sincerely, though, I do want to say this. I absolutely love Brian Redband and Tony Hinchcliffe. Thank you for letting me do this. Thank you guys for all the support that you've shown me over the years. You guys are constantly encouraging me and supporting my comedy.

And thank you to this live audience who came out in the freaking rain and the viewers at home. Thank you guys so much who followed. Wake in December. I love you guys. Have a great night, and you'll be back to kill Tony next week.

Good night! Thank you. Load up our guns, bring your friends, it's fun to lose, to pretend she's so old. Selfish, oh no, dirty world. Hello, hello, hello, hello Thank you.