KILL TONY - KILL TONY #336 - ST LOUIS

Episode Date: April 8, 2019

Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 04/04/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to all the shows. You also can click on tour dates. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the world famous comedy Store, but we just started this huge tour and we're everywhere. We're going to be in St. Louis, West Nyack, New York, La Jolla, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Nebraska, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, so many places. And ifleton, Milwaukee, Chicago Madison, Minneapolis

so many places and if you want the whole entire list just go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates and there you can have all the information all the entire list of our tour and tickets so you can buy tickets right there also check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website

TonyHinchcliffe.com there you have everything the golden pony at TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything, the golden pony, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. He draws the posters, the books, and everything. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe.

You can get Kill Tony shirts there, Death Squad hats, Death Squad mugs, a bunch of stuff, all designed by me at ShopSquad.TV. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from St. Louis at Helium Comedy Club for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. St. Louis, come on, make some fucking noise. Wowie, wow, wow. The great Brighton Red Band's here, everybody.

What's up, guys? And like that, we are live in St. Louis for the first ever time. We're the number one podcast in the world, everybody. Live in front of a live audience. And we are cozy in St. Louis. It has already begun. We've already had a delicious pepperoni pizza from our friends over at Emo's Pizza. Oh, wow.

Very impressive. I didn't realize the thin crust was even called St. Louis style. That's been you guys all along. One of our favorites. Oh, this lady just made a cringe face at Emo's Pizza. We already have a hater. We've got a Domino's girl here. Yeah. We've got a barbecue sauce. Wow, you said you're right. We already have a hater. We've got a Domino's girl here. Yeah, we've got

a barbecue sauce. Wow, you said you're right. I know, I could tell. I could tell high-class ladies when I see one. Red Band can look at a girl in her eyes once and know what kind of pizza she likes. And this show continues to go on the road just like you probably found out about

it through listening, and the show just keeps moving on. Next week we're in West Nyack, New York, and then La Jolla, California. And then back to the Super Tour in the beginning of May, Phoenix, Arizona, Las Vegas, Nevada, Salt Lake City, Boise, Idaho, Spokane, Washington, Portland, Oregon, Vancouver, Canada, Seattle, Washington, and then we get a little break for a week.

How about that? And then Lawrence, Kansas. How about that? It's not that far from you guys, huh? Omaha, Nebraska, Des Moines, Iowa, Appleton, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Chicago, Illinois, Madison, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Poughkeepsie, New York, and we close

it out June 20th, New York, New York at the Gramercy Theater. And then we're into Skank Fest and Kill Tony Mania and the road to Kill Tony Mania. That's in San Francisco and Sacramento in October. But that doesn't stop us from being here right now. We have amazing

only 30 Ryan J.E. Belt custom made St. Louis prints available for sale after the show, which is really cool. Only 30. You can thank Ryan J.E. Belt himself for that. He went and threw that shit up himself and laid it on us, and we brought it here, so that's

super easy, and you can bet that I'm going to snag a copy of those for myself. Oh, yeah? And, you know, hey, speaking of betting, that reminds me, it's March Madness, and what's more fun than putting some cash on the game? Even if you don't like basketball, having some cash on the game makes it more fun. That's why

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his picks for the week. Oh yeah, here's my picks. In sports, everybody. Yes. He's never been wrong. Yeah. Never not once. What do you got this week? I got Auburn will beat Virginia. Hey! St. Louis Cardinals will beat the Padres. Texas Tech will beat

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And, you know, these shows on the road, we never have a guest. But, you know, St. Louis, you're so goddamn lucky that we brought one more pal with us. And, uh, yeah. You're so lucky, because he's one of my favorite human beings on the planet. He is the leader of the Kill Tony band. You never know what he's gonna be or what he's gonna do.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, he's got a staying character throughout the show. Maybe it's a character we've seen before. Sometimes he debuts a brand new character. Let's see what it is tonight. It's the leader of the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins! Wow, I actually know who this is.

I'm Jack the Ripper. The famous 1700s, 1800s serial killer from London, England, I believe. Jack the Ripper is joining us. Wow. I actually did a show called The Historical Roast a couple weeks ago. We were all serial killers. I played Jeffrey Dahmer, and it's the first time I saw Jack the Ripper. And he destroyed in his performance, and his big catchphrase really won the crowd over.

I'm Jack the Ripper. He's Jack the Ripper. Well, Jack the Ripper, you are a killer and you belong here on Kill Tony and I'm excited that you're here. We have me. I'm gonna kill Tony tonight. You have some timing of a guy

from the 1700s. What? Beautiful. Which means there's only one piece of the puzzle that's missing, and that's this motherfucking custom-made St. Louis Helium Comedy Club bucket of destiny. This is some fancy shit.

Looks like somebody took some whiteout and ketchup and made this thing. It has the arch on it, right? There's an arch. Anybody want to take credit for making this out there? Who did that? Is that you? Well, thank you very much, sir. There's an arch. Anybody want to take credit for making this out there? Who did that? Is that you? Well, thank you very much, sir. That's awesome.

Very cool. Thank you. It seems to be a new thing. We go to the city, a bucket shows up, and very exciting. It definitely used to be something else, but they made it for us. And, you know, it's about the heart that counts. So a lot of fucking people signed up. We have more sign-ups tonight

than we had in all of Europe's shows combined times seven. So, I think you guys might have an idea of how it works. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get a chance to perform on this stage 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means wrap it up then, or else you're gonna bring out the angry St. Louis the Grove bear. There we go. We got it right that time. Just to let you know, you got to be safe. There's a very special type of path that you need to take to get here, and it's right down the middle tonight. So it's very important. A lot of times people will panic.

They'll start bumping into people's tables and drinks and whatnot. Don't do that. Just try to find your way calmly and at once right down the fucking middle. Go right of Kenny Rogers in the second row here. Which one's Kenny Rogers? You calling the old guy

Kenny Rogers? You calling fucking Dick Cheney Kenny Rogers right now? It's giving him some swagger. I love Roaster Redman. It's always like, I'm like curious. Yeah, right, this fucking guy. This young congressman. What the fuck are you doing here? Which one of your sons brought you

here tonight? Right behind you? That's right. You have no idea what the fuck you're at. Dude, who knows? You might be performing by the end of this bitch. I don't know what's happening. Who wants to see this fucking old guy get up here and eat shit tonight? All right, we'll give you some time to think about it.

We'll give you some time. You don't think you can do it now, but after you see how these people do, you're gonna... How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like to see people bomb? Wow. This is an evil audience, guys.

Even Jack the Ripper looks scared. What do you think about that, Jack? I like this audience. That's all. Very good. Hey, let me just say this now, because I feel a little heat coming down the fucking dark middle there. Just a reminder, there's no heckling the performers or anything like that.

If you didn't have the balls to sign up and the luck to get picked out of the bucket, you don't get to interrupt anybody or anything that's happening here tonight. Dimms the Rules. And you guys ready to start this motherfucker? What, I pulled a name out of the bucket? Make some noise for your first comedian of the night. His name, or her name, is Jordan Bond. Here we go.

Here he comes. Right down the middle. All right. Time for Jordan Bond, everybody. Here we go. Well, hello. This is nerve-wracking. My name is Jordan Bond.

I am 34 years old, and I'm bald. So we'll get that out of the way. My biggest fear is really that a full moon would turn me into a werewolf. But I continue to stay bald up top. Which is actually really just how I feel when I take my shirt off nowadays. You see everything kind of migrated south years ago. So when I first started to shave my head, though, I shaved everything, my face and my beard. Lather it all up, cut it down, but then people would be like, ooh, how's your cancer? I'd be like, you know, so I grew this beard out, and then they'd go, hey, nice hipster beard. Well, no, this is not a hipster beard.

This is a last resort. This is a Hail Mary, and Mary's going gray. But I never got to pull like a Jack the Ripper, cool Jeremiah Watkins, hey, guys, put my hair behind my ears sort of thing. Never got to put my hair down in water, flinging up behind me all cool. I actually tried that joke earlier in my bathroom

and my glasses went all across the room because there was no friction. There we go. Thank you. Thank you, Tony. Thank you. A little bit of Nelly from Jack the Ripper, huh? You guys hear that represent?

I like that. Find me in St. Louis. Doing a show called Kale Tony. Hey. So Jordan. I did my research. Jordan, first time doing stand-up comedy? First time, yes sir.

Oh, very good. There it is. The goat of the first time. Heck yeah. Oh, very good. There it is. The goat of the first time. Heck yeah, just a little baby. Just like the top of your head, like a baby's bottom. Smooth. Wow. So how long ago did you shave your head? I did it this morning, so my jokes would work.

Like twice a week or two times a week. I wasn't really asking when the last time you shaved was. I was looking more for the first time you shaved. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm like a twice a week-er. Two times a week. I wasn't really asking when the last time you shaved was. I was looking more for the first time you shaved. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The first time... Can you apologize one more time for me real quick? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's been a while.

It's been a while. It's been like seven, eight years ago at least. Wow. It's been a while. What happened? You're married? You got a ring on your finger? I'm married, yeah.

Did you get married before? I was thinning. You were thinning? Then you locked her in. See, my hair's... Right. I started... Ha ha, you married fucking Walter Whitebread. Yeah. Actually, I had a couple guys at work that shaved their head, and they came up to me one day, and they go, hey, we were talking over the weekend about guys that were going bald and should shave their head. And we thought you should just do it.

What are you waiting for? Don't you have friends? And I thought, okay, well, I shaved my head. It felt good. Now, you use this as what appears to be your main identity. You could have written about anything in the world and you chose your minute all on shaving your head and what you can do with a shaved head and what you can't do with a shaved head. I thought I would stay in my comfort zone for tonight. What are your pubes like, Jordan?

Let's get into the good shit. The carpet matches the drapes. So you're only hair on your balls? Yeah, red ball hair? Only the bottom of the ball sack goes unshaved. Exactly.

Very good. Do you have a little pair of glasses for your dick, too? A little dick hole? Jack? Bonnacle? I line it. Jack the Ripper. Yeah, why does he look like one of the Guess Who characters from the ball game?

I didn't know they had that. Do you have glasses? Yes. Do you have a beard? I know who you are. Story of my life. Just two features. That's it. That makes up this person.

Two features. Glasses, beard, we're done here. Checkmate. Oh my god. I didn't realize they had Guess Who in the 1700s. Oh yeah! Do you want me to stick him? Because I will. I'll kill him right here.

I'll kill him right here. He had a little sword. That's incredible. So Jordan Bond, let's talk about it. Is that your real name? Yes. Bond. Yes.

Jordan Bond. That's right. Really? Are you in any way like the great perhaps James Bond or anything? Yeah, what's the most James Bond thing about you? What's your coolest? He has fucking nice watches and fancy cars. Not too much.

Okay, what's something that you're good at? What's the James Bond thing of you? There's a James Bond quote where he said, I don't know that much about guns, but I know a lot about women. Is that true? Is that true about you? That might have been true of Jordan with hair in his early teens and 20s. What did he know about

women? Tell us. Did Jordan have any special sexual maneuvers he would do on a girl or anything like that? Yeah, how many women you porked, huh? How many? None. Yeah, about half as many as you've killed, you know.

Jordan, over here, you son of a bitch. I'm sorry. You don't play with Jack the Ripper. How many women have you porked? I don't know. I really, I have actually, I've been with my... I feel like you know. I really honestly don't know. I really, I have actually, I've been with my. I feel like you know. I really honestly don't know.

I feel like you know the exact number. Rhymes with four. Right. Begins with an F. No, I feel like I knew that answer a long time ago, but I've been married for a little while. Been with my wife for a while. I honestly do not know the number. Is your wife here tonight?

She's not here tonight. No. What's funny is. Check the ripper. All right. Is your wife here tonight? She's not here tonight, no. What's funny is... Alright, so your last name is Bond. I think we should play out a scenario. I'm a cute dame at the bar, right? Yep.

Are you buying it yet? Yes. Okay, perfect. You come up to me. You're Mr. Bond. What do you say? Show us how you would do it back when you had hair. Red band cue music. Back when you had hair. Thank you, Jack the Ripper.

So, like, back when you had hair, you see a beautiful woman at the bar. She just so happens to look like the Babadook for some reason. And so there you go. Go ahead. Make your move, Jordan. Show us what you would do back in the day. Pretend like no one else is here. Back in the day.

Hey, so... I feel like, though, if I were to pull a James Bond move, I would really just slap her. All right. Jordan, Jordan. Jordan, over here. What did I tell you about playing with fucking Jack the Ripper? I would stick him right here right now. You give me the word, Donnie.

Come on, Jordan. Give us like a pickup line that you would use on a woman back in the day. You gotta have something. I feel like you got something up your sleeve here. I really... What would you say if I was your wife? Yeah, there you go. Sure, let's play that game. Since clearly your wife...

Your wife's not here. I'm your wife. Ding, ding, let's go. I'd say. There you go. All right. I'm trying to help you out here, mate. All right.

Babe, the kids are in bed. It's Thursday at 8.35. Can we do something? Wow, Jesus. Your pickup line35. Can we do something? Oh, wow. Jesus. Your pickup line is, can we do something? Well, that didn't work back in the day. That's not going to work yesterday.

That's not going to work today, mate. It works, Jack. My God, Jordan, I felt like your line to your wife came from a very real place, huh? Jeez, the kids are in bed. Can we please do something? Like, that's where you start? That's your first line? It's like, God, can anything happen?

I mean, how literal can this guy get? My penis is throbbing. What do I do with it? Let's go. Yeah, my goodness, Jordan. Well, how old are your kids? I have a three-and- year old and a one year old Wow, what do you do for work?

My father, I work in the family business Oh, you're your dad You only work for your dad You don't have to try to fix it after you say my father Unless you're about to start the fucking prayer or whatever I guess that's our father Not really my father I guess to show you

Twelve years of fucking Catholic school, I didn't pay attention for a second. My father, who aren't him. Oh, yeah. My dad actually is a pastor. My father is not even the name of it. What? Your dad's a pastor? My dad is a pastor, but I don't work for my dad.

I work... Sure, yeah. Your dad's a... Is it really, or does the pastor just make you call him daddy? Oh. Oh. I don't know if I said that correctly. Come on, wife.

Can we please do anything? I feel honored. This is nice. Well, you did it. You came up here for your first time. You took it like a champ. You got the show kick-started tonight. We're off and running.

There he goes, Jordan Bond, everybody. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond.

Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond.

Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond.

Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond.

Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond.

Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond.

Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond. Jordan Bond paper. Wow, really long. In St. Louis, we call them long and thin, just like our pizza. Just spread it out and fucking stomp it. We want it to look like some Willy Wonka shit.

It appears as though we found our winner. All right, we're going to get a lady up here. Make some noise for Angela Smith, everyone. Angela Smith, everybody. Hi. Oh, I'm scared to death. Hi, guys.

I am from Missouri, where our state bird is just a garage door blowing off in a meth lab explosion. I heard you guys had emos today. That has Provel cheese. I'm like Provel cheese. Nasty as hell, and you have no idea what I'm made of. I'm kidding, you guys. I'm more like the Applebee's of women. That's fine.

I'm not going to be your first choice that night but I'm going to get the job done also your grandparents are going to love me I'm kidding you guys I'm the White Castle of women I'm a great idea when you're drunk but give me like 15 minutes I'll make you shit your pants. Okay?

Is that good? Meow. That's a minute right there. Angela Smith. Wow. I think everybody's really interested now, Angela.

I think you have everyone's attention. Can I just say this is the hottest kindergarten teacher I've ever seen? Yeah, I mean, this chick is wild, it seems. Thank you. You are a lot like Applebee's because I would not want to come inside of you. Oh, my. Tony. Can I keep that tag?

Sure. Thank you. I guess so. That's a gift. Thank you. I guess so. But I get to use it every time I see you. All right.

Wow. Angela, how long have you been doing stand-up? Two years. Two years. that was great. All here in St. Louis or Missouri? What are we talking about? St. Louis, I went to Little Rock one time. That was wild.

But yeah, St. Louis. Little Rock. Arkansas. You live there? No, I live here. Oh. About ten minutes from here. Just hook up with a guy named Little Rock or something?

I missed it. Yeah, he's like The Rock, but he's little. Do you smell what I'm cooking in the basement? I don't know. It's so stupid. Little Rock. Just on one hot plate. Hey, I'm the Little Rock.

All right. Good. Angela, so you've been doing it two years. What do you do for a living? I work for Big Dog Food. I work for a dog food company. Wow. Woof, woof.

You're the face of a dog food. I work for a dog food company. Wow. Woof, woof. You're the face of a dog food company? This is it. My goodness. How long have you been working for a dog food company? Also about two years. Wow. Jeez, your whole life changed two years ago, huh? It really did.

You're like, fuck this. I'm getting into comedy and dog food. What do you do there for it? Like, tester? No, I work for a... I bet a lot of your male co-workers are begging for it. Begging strips?

No, nothing, really? Just a half a... A lot of people in that section got that one, I guess. I'm getting fired. I'm getting fired tomorrow. No, no, there's no way. No, there's no way. They might make you get down on all fours and eat something out of a bowl,

but... Anyway. Now, during sex, are you like dog food? Are you wet or dry? I think it's proper to be both. I'm a mix. Real doggy style, you know what I mean? Just fucking plowing

it out. Angela, do you have a boyfriend? No, not as of two Mondays ago, no. Wow, what happened two Mondays ago? I know we had a great episode at the comedy store in LA, but what happened two Mondays ago? I know we had a great episode at the Comedy Store in L.A., but what were you doing? Well, I broke up with my boyfriend,

and at 33 years old, I moved back in with my dad. Wow. Thank you. Heck yeah. Yeah, thank you, guys. What made you break up with a boyfriend? How'd he end up the one in the doghouse out of the two of you? Right?

It's my house, too, right? That's crazy. I'm going to move back in this weekend, I think. Move back in? To my house that I pay for. This got sad. No, no, no, no, no. I'm fine. We'll let you know when it got sad. You don't get to make that call. You don't get to

play the game and be the referee at the same time. I'm not sad. That's a foul. That's a foul. Alright, so let's talk about it. Why did you break up with him? How long were you with him? Three years. Three years, and then what? Wow, that's 12 years in dog years.

Or is it 21? I don't know. It's one of those. You get the joke. You get it. It was funny either way, really. Yeah. This is the fun part of the show where it's like we find out real interesting,

real-life things about you. But it's so boring. You don't get to make that call. Again, what you think is boring, you know, and us, different things. Right. No, we just grew apart. That's all.

Yeah, when you say grew apart, what are we talking about here? Like, are we talking about... You grew onto a black guy? Hey, yeah, hello. You can find me in St. Louis. Hell yeah. Did you get some of that fucking...

What? What was the question? Are you interested in somebody else? You know, one thing that us men have all noticed is that women don't usually move on from a man unless they have found somebody that they have their eyes on. So, for example, is there someone in the comedy world or something? No, that sounds weird like I'm fishing for me, but I'm not.

You guys don't know how fucking horny these comedians are. Who put you up to this? Who DM'd you before this? No, I realized that I'm 33 and I've never gotten to use Tinder. And what kind of life is that? I've just never gotten to swipe on anybody. How can I be a real comedian if I have no jokes about Tinder? Wow.

Oh, no. Do you guys get it? You get it? No. Actually, I don't even know what Tinder is. I have no idea. People still use Tinder? what you're talking about. I'm the wrong guy.

Did you get on Tinder? I got on Tinder and the one with the B. What's the... Bumble. The Bumble. So what's happened since you got on it? Nothing. Really?

They want you to pay them money. I don't want to do that. I'm not paying for dates. That's sex work. Wow. And that's respectable and it's fine, but I'm broke. I'm not doing it. You should join my dating app called Slit.

We have a passionate night of lovemaking. Then I slit your throat at the end of the night. I dump your body, and your parents find you years later, and they never find out who did it. I'm Jack the Ripper. There you go. Is it free? You know, if you could just go on Craigslist, people will pay you money.

Angela, you don't even need to do that. All you have to do is find an arcade bar and sit down. That's it. Just let all those fucking little cocks come to you. You know what I'm saying? Oh, hey, what's up? You look like me. That's good advice.

I'm going to take it. What do you like to do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy? What's something like when you let your hair down? You know what I mean? I feel like you're one of those chicks that when you hook up with a guy, you take your glasses off

and you turn into a super hot chick out of nowhere, right? She's my super hot chick. of nowhere, right? Wait, wait, wait. Are you ready? Can we try? Yeah, okay. Do you have... I just didn't... I thought I just can't see anything.

Wait, do I have to do the hair? I can't. Oh, no. Put them back on. Put them back on. It's better with them on. They're filthy. My glasses are filthy.

I'm a mess. I don't know if you're aware of this. As soon as you took your glasses off, you went so cross-eyed. I'm going to level with you. I'm on so many muscle relaxers right now. I got in a car accident last night. Really?

It was so bad. I didn't cause it. I was in an Uber, and a car hit us so hard, and so I am on muscle relaxers. What kind of muscle relaxers are you on? I don't know what they're called. Wow, that's how addiction starts for sure.

I don't even know what they're called. I just know I need more. Yeah, you said so many. You know you just take one. It's that I could take two and then they're like, also take the Tylenol with the codeine and I was like, who am I to argue with medicine?

Angela, you did fine up here. What are you making excuses for? What's going on right now? I just wanted to level with you. In that case, you're probably funnier on muscle relaxants. You did good up here tonight. It was a good set. Thank you. Talking about

Applebee's, White Castle. Yes, Applebee's. All my hobbies. When you say the White Castle thing, what exactly do you mean by, what did you say, shit your pants? Oh, yeah. How do you make a guy shit his pants? How many fingers do you shove in a butthole?

I feel like that's like second, you find that out, you have to take me out first. I'm not just going to tell you that. Really? Take you out to Applebee's? No, to White Castle. Well, to wherever. I don't care. We could go to Chili's. We could go up to

I don't care. Oh, Chili's. Jesus. You're getting out of control. You went from muscle relaxers to methamphetamines real quick there. I don't know. Nothing to do. I don't know. I'm gonna make sure you pay. Okay, last thing. If you're at a bar, you're single for a few weeks, you're on muscle relaxers,

you see Jack the Ripper sitting there. And just so it turns out, you're like, oh my God, I've always wanted to hook up with the penguin from Tim Burton's Batman. Right? And then, so what would that be like? Give it a shot. Hit on Jack the Ripper.

Okay, I'd be like, Give it a shot. Hit on Jack the Ripper. I'll be like, Hey, I don't have as many cats as you think. Can I see your pussy? There you go. We did it again.

Angela Smith, ladies and gentlemen. She's on Twitter at AngelaMarie85. What song was that? It was Air Force Ones by Nelly. You're going to get a lot of Nelly tonight. You didn't hear it. Make some noise for your next comedian,

Ben Wade, everyone. Here we go. Ben Wade. Ben Wade. Here we go. Here he comes Here he comes Ben Wade ladies and gentlemen

One more time there you go Can I set that there I did it Yay another white person I'm bald too I'm just wearing a hat I'm bald too I'm just wearing a hat I'm getting very old and I'm 36 now

so my back hurts a lot and when I get off the toilet it hurts my back too I also started paying attention to the commercials that are on during Wheel of Fortune most of them are just things for like I also started paying attention to the commercials that are on during Wheel of Fortune. Most of them are just things for like lidocaine patches for your back, which I bought. And like mesothelioma cancer style commercials.

So when I'm getting older, I've noticed that I get so easily annoyed very quickly. One thing that annoys the shit out of me is when people go full on accent. Let me explain. I don't mean like people that are native speakers of that language and they live here. I mean, oh, okay. Go ahead. I mean like people like my neighbor Mike. Mike is super white. He's clearly Ancestry.com full Nordic. And he says things like, my family went to vacation to Guadalajara. So I'll

cut it there. There you go. Alright. Cuts it there. Ben Wade. Must be the cash. Must be the money. All right. Oh, I got it wrong. Ben Wade. Hi. There you are.

You did it. First time ever doing stand-up, correct? There you go. Yes. For sure. Yep. With the goat answered before you did. I mean, unbelievable.

That minute is long, yet fast at the same time, right? Moves fast. I've always wondered what it would be like if Kiefer Sutherland had a bad back. You are answering that question. If he had perhaps 24 extra discs in his back.

Count them. Ben, what the fuck happened to your back? You tell us about this bad back yet you give us no information about it whatsoever. I think it all happened when I started gaining weight. So I got a bit of a gut, and then it pulled forward, maybe. Is that now? Yeah. This is you fat?

I'm like 30 pounds beyond what I used to be. Oh, yeah. You're so fat. Your back is breaking off all that weight. Yeah. Hey, you asked me to give you a theory. It's probably a bad, like, do you have a bad, like, bed? Yes, absolutely.

Well, there you go. And I sit all day at work. Yeah, well, then you have a bad bed. It's not because you're fat. Did you see how mad you made Red Band? I'm sorry, Brian. He lugs all that extra weight around. He doesn't complain about his fucking back.

Yeah. You're self-attemptemperpedic, Ben. Let me get one. What kind should I get? I just said what kind you should get. I said self-attemperpedic. Do you not even understand the sounds of a good mattress? Can you not make out the noise?

I'm trying. What do they sound like? What do you sleep on? Oh my god, an awful mattress. How old's your bed? Did you just fart? Yes. Oh my god, an awful mattress. How old's your bed? Did you just fart? Yes. Older than I can tell you how old it is. So have you had it your whole life? No.

Is that how you laugh? Yeah. Is your bed frame a racing car? I would love it if it was. It's an Ikea. Do they make a racing car? I would love it if it was. It's an Ikea. Oh, God. Do they make a racing car? Ikea has like the worst beds ever, and you've had it forever.

It was inherited, so. Just get a Casper or something. All right, all right. Well, I'm glad that we're having a full-blown just conversation now. Ben. Yes. You look like you stay warm by standing in alleyways with barrel fires in them. Like, I mean, what do you do for a living?

I do IT work. IT work, really? Lumberjack.com type of IT work. Do you know someone there? Can I get in there? You son of a bitch. Jeff the Ripper. Yeah, he sells computers at the docks.

The docks. Oh my god. It looks like you use the dating app Plenty of Fish. So, Ben, what exactly do you do IT-wise? Like, what are we talking about here? My official title is... Yeah, what is it exactly that you do? Shut up love

I'm Jack the Ripper I'll slit your throat in broad daylight Jack relax a little bit Take a breath Jack I just do field tech work so if computers or phones Analogs or digital phones break I build robots Wow okay

What else are you into, Ben? You from here in St. Louis? Born and bred What part? North County, Ferguson area There you go, a lot of big fans A lot of other white people Oh, nice

You seem like you could be The type of guy to Not like other races. Because I'm bald? No. You can't see it. I just have that air. No, it's not just that.

How dare you? It's sort of like the light eyebrows, I think, really. I didn't even really know you were bald. I mean, could we see it without the hat to see? Uh-oh. Wow. There's a little bit of a race thing going on there Hey

Wow It's a curse and god damn it it's not fair What are your thoughts on black people? I love them What are your thoughts on Mexicans? Love them Alright how about Italians? Love them

Jews? Love them Ah Ah Did you just turn into a 12 year old boy On Jews bro Love them Putting them on trains How dare you

Wow Ben what happened I walked into that though that's what happened It's St. Louis not Sty. You know what I'm saying? Ah, shit. I hope I don't get fired for this. How would you get fired? What the hell? Why would you get fired for that? I don't know. The wrong person could see it and get offended.

You know. Wow. The culture. I guess so. No, it's not really... A.K.A. your boss. Is your boss Jewish? No. What race is your boss? He's the human race, Brian. Wow.

Good answer. That was a trick question. Good answer. All right. Well, Ben, what else, man? This is your first time. What made you want to come out and sign up tonight I just love this podcast

and I feel like this is the master class so if I'm going to learn learn from the best well there you go you started there my friend you got to just keep plowing it out get to those punchlines and keep doing open mics regularly

get it started thank you guys very much there you go it's Ben Wade everyone he's on twitter at the fake Ben Wade. That's his stick. Yeah. Sorry about that. Is that the mic stand?

Can you grab that stick, my man? What happened? He put his stick in there. How did that happen? Jack the Ripper's a prankster. There he goes, Ben Wade. Let's try to get somebody up here that doesn't look like an unhealthy

Conor McGregor. Does everybody just have the same fucking, hey, I have a beard and a bald head. Who would have guessed? Let's see what happens next. Make some noise for Jake Williams. Here we go.

We are live. This is crazy. It's a big, dark room. Jake Williams got scared. Oh, man. Balled up in a bundle. Oh, man. Wow, we already have our first... Balled up in a bundle. Oh, shit. This is a guy that must be afraid

to have to hit on Jack the Ripper. Our first blacklisting. There you go. Blacklisted, sure. Whatever you want to call it. On to the next one. How about J.C. Sabala, everybody? J.C. Sabala. Here we go. Let's see what happens. Here he comes. Hell yeah. One more time for JC, everyone. All right, I'm a single father, and my son, he's one-fourth Filipino.

I don't know if anybody's familiar with different ethnic slang, but there's a slang word for Filipino. It's flip, so flip is Filipino, but he's only one-fourth, so he's a quarter flip, which is a huge coincidence, because that's how we decided we were going to keep him in the first place. I'm glad you guys are applauding that. Normally I get groans on that. I'm like, calm down, he made it, alright? Don't feel bad for him, right? Feel bad for his sister. So, yeah, I'm half Filipino, if you didn't figure that part out. I'm half Filipino,

or as it's more commonly known here in the Midwest, Mexican. Boom. Boom. That's it. You did it. Three applause breaks. 60 seconds.

JC Sabala. Well, yeah, we're going to talk for a bit. I didn't hear. Oh, it's all good. Everything's okay? You feel good after that? Yeah, I feel all right. You've been doing stand-up a while, right? Almost eight years.

Almost eight years. Unbelievable. Yeah, you can tell. I mean, that's exactly what this show's about. A mishmash of different types of people. We had a lot of people's first time. We had someone that's been doing it a couple years, and then you come in and slay it and show that experience pays off.

You can look like Wario and come up here and fucking decimate. Woo-hoo! Wow, eight years. All here in St. Louis? up here and fucking decimate. Woo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha. Wow, eight years. All here in St. Louis? Yeah. Is this where you were born and raised? I grew up in Kansas.

And I moved here. You know who else grew up in Kansas, even though he eventually moved to England and started killing people? I'm Jack the Ripper. Ha-ha-ha. JC, how old are your kids? My son's about to be five years old. How old's your ghost baby? She would be three.

Wow, there you go. That's what you think Filipino are? Ghost babies. Ghost baby, the gong of the ghost baby. Hell yeah. So JC, what else do you do? I sell large format printing, so if anybody needs

custom wallpaper or anything. I think helium could actually use some. You should try to get a deal. Look at this dog, Shay. Let's let all of our children come in and do the paint job. This is great. I ease my thumb. My goodness.

So do you do like wraps for cars type printing? We can do that. We can do small format also. I'll teach a lot of seminars for architects and interior designers don't get credits for their different certifications like aia or idcec heck yeah well that's that's awesome cdicc I love that you know and I when I looked up the paperwork on that I was very impressed

and you know it's a whole thing uh Any problems with your five-year-old? Anything you already can't stand about him? No. He's a lot of fun. He's rowdy. He's all boy. He's what? He's all boy.

What does that mean? He's all boy. He's not one of Dave's dreams. That's how he identifies. He identifies as a boy? He's grabbing little frogs and shit already. He's doing what to frogs? Grabbing frogs, showing up.

Grabbing frogs? I got a frog. Dad, I got a frog. I got a frog, Dad. Wow, that's so fucking cool. Do you cook up the frog? Never mind. Does he play Fortnite?

No, not yet. Anyway, Jesus, I didn't realize you had secret Fortnite ad reads you were sliding into the show. Does he play Fortnite? Does he want to? It's just weird. My nephews are just addicted to that game and they're the same age, like six, seven years old.

How the fuck are they even playing this shit yeah seems young all right okay all right man JC well I'll tell you what I'm not gonna waste a lot of your time up here because you seem like a grown ass man that's been doing stand-up for eight years and

I respect that but I will invite you if you want you got plans for tomorrow night? No. We have two shows here that we're doing tomorrow night. I'm doing a long set. These two guys

are going up. If you want to do five minutes to kick the shows off tomorrow, that'd be great. There you go. JC Cibola, everybody. We'll see you tomorrow, buddy. There he goes. He'll be kicking off tomorrow. That'd be great. There you go. JC Sabala, everybody. We'll see you tomorrow, buddy. There he goes. He'll be kicking off tomorrow's stand-up shows.

Catch Me, Jeremiah, and Red Band. A lot of tickets still available for this weekend's stand-up shows. I asked the owner of the club what the deal with that was. He says that alright, forget it. I won't actually say what he said.

I won't say what he said. Even Jack the Ripper was like, you might not want to say this next thing. I still want to keep killing people at different comedy clubs. He said something about how white comedians don't sell the best in St. Louis. That's all I'm going to say.

Maybe it wasn't the owner. Maybe it was someone that works for the owner. The dishwasher. Yeah, it was the dishwasher. So prove them wrong and come see us later this weekend. Exactly. Four shows, two Friday, two Saturday. They are the lowest ticket counts,

if you're wondering, I've ever had in my career. So even once before, I did St. Louis, like, how long ago was that? Two years. No, that was at least three years ago. They opened three years ago. All right, put your hands together for your next comedian, Jimmy Stealth, everyone.

Jimmy Stealth. Jimmy Stealth. Oh, I see. Oh, okay. Here he is. Jimmy Stealth, everybody. Come on. Thanks, everybody. Come on. Thanks, everybody. Maybe suicide is the answer. Like, everybody just all of a sudden says,

don't kill yourself, don't do that, don't do this. It's not the way, but technically, we don't know. That's like the first question, the first human being that ever stood on two feet and took three steps, that was the first question. We still haven't answered. We got Mars getting mapped and space rockets going off, but we still don't know what happens.

Maybe this is the bad place, and that's the cool place to be. Maybe aborted fetuses are the luckiest people in the world maybe they're over there and they're like yeah we never had to be here at all maybe there's an old guy who lived to be a hundred and he's over there like oh i'm so old i hate being over here i wish i I could have been over there a lot less time. Maybe volunteer suicide hotline people are just a bunch of

haters that don't want us to party all the time. Thank you. Wow. Wow. Jesus Christ. Jimmy, let me start off. I love the show. Thank you.

Well, let me just start off by saying you're one of my favorite people I've ever seen on this show in its entire history. Thank you. A lot of people are perhaps more fundamentally sound. Perhaps their jokes get bigger things. But I think I would literally pay to see you. I had no idea what you were going to say next, and it was compelling the entire time.

And I absolutely fucking loved it. Thank you. Thank you very much. Very original. Sure. There you go. I got a little high five there. You guys are my favorite. I watch you every week. Yes. Jack the Ripper. Yeah, can I just say that it's really nice to finally have two serial killers up here.

Yeah, absolutely. Definitely. Slash the Ripper. He's Slash the Ripper. It is weird. I've always wondered what Jason Voorhees looked like behind the mask. I don't know who that is.

You're a scary looking dude. You look like behind the mask. And I guess we're talking about that right now. You're a scary looking dude. You look like you drive like NASCARs in fields at night. I love NASCAR. I love NASCAR. You look like... You do? Yes. Jimmy Johnson, number 48, my favorite driver. Wow. That was before all the

trophies. You're such a NASCAR fan. You're starting to look like one. I should have been. I wish I was. That's one of my big regrets, that I didn't become a NASCAR driver. Maybe that's why your face is so round and round and round. Maybe. What's your favorite thing about NASCAR, Jimmy? You even have a NASCAR name.

The Rex. Yeah, I love watching the Rex. That's what we wait for. Watch 20 cars catch on fire. What is the right amount of hardness to hit a woman? Like, what is the exact... None.

What do you do? The chin? Do not hit women. You hit it in the boobs so it doesn't leave a mark or something? Never. You look like a fucking professional. It's back of the head. You can't see the bruises on the back of the head. No.

Yeah. What's the deal? You just hold them under water? No. No. You're just saying no. You're not even listening. You like popcorn?

Yes, I like popcorn. No. No hitting women ever. No. All right, definitely not. What about putting out cigarettes on little kids? No, I don't smoke, so I don't have to worry about that. Why do you think you look like the kind of guy that would do that? I don't know.

Why do you think you look like the biggest munchkin from Oz? I don't know. Why does it look like you put Jack Daniels in your cereal? Yes, that might be true. That might be true. You agree to that one. What do you do? How long have you been doing...

What's your deal with stand-up? I feel like the answer could be fucking anything. I feel like you could be doing it for 20 years or first time. First time. Get the fuck out of here. Because of you and your show, I study it. Thank you. Are you fucking kidding me?

Wow. How did you find out about this show? Watching Joe Rog you. Are you fucking kidding me? Wow. How did you find out about this show? Watching Joe Rogan. You were on there a couple times. Yeah. I didn't listen the first couple times, but then like the second or third time, I was like, let me check this out.

Straight up. I mean, this Joe guy just kept having this Tony guy back, and I was like, all right, I guess I'll give him a shot. I think that's how it works. The first time I watched the show, I was hooked. And I literally watch it live every week. I love your show. You guys are awesome.

Wow. Well, speaking of hooked, Captain Hook is right behind you right now. So, all right. I wish Joel Jimenez was here. Joel Jimenez. I love him. I don't think he got enough credit for Europe. He killed in Europe, dude. I was watching

the Europe show. Joel Bird. There you go. He was killing in Europe. And you guys didn't even mention it. He killed over there. I love the way you pretend you like Mexicans. I do. I like Mexicans. Jimmy, tell us more about you. You're such an interesting guy.

What are some other fun facts about Jimmy? What's your job? I am assistant kitchen manager. Wow, okay, maybe you do like Mexicans after all. Yeah, yeah. My name is Pichueto, and no matter what kitchen I work in, that's my name. Hell yeah. Is that where all the suicide jokes come from? No, it's just one night somebody was saying,

don't kill yourself, it's not the thing to do, and I'm like, you don't really know that, technically. Technically, I'm always a contrarian. I always look at the other side of things. Technically, you don't know that's true. So you're a religious guy? No. No, that's not a religion, Brian.

I like to look at both sides. It depends what's religion. I'm a contrarian. Oh, No, that's not a religion, Brian. I like to live with both things. I'm a contrarian. Oh, wow, you guys worship on Wednesdays? You might have 72 virgins waiting for him, right? Darky, darky. So, Jimmy, what else? I want to know every single thing about you.

Well, I like to ride motorcycles You do? You look like you have a beer koozie collection I do have a couple Wow I do have a couple of beer koozies

From some places I went to That are really out of the way places They gave me a beer koozie And I did keep them That's true Cancun, Mexico And Houston, Texas They gave me a beer and I did keep it. That's true. That's true. Let me guess. That's true. Cancun, Mexico. Cancun, Mexico and Houston, Texas.

Wow. Houston, Texas. Yes. Wow. Yes. Yes. Yes. Dude, I can fucking, I can read you like a koozie.

You got me. You know, the best thing about a beer koozie is you can throw your beer at a woman and it bounces off their face no bruises. I don't know about that. That's right. If you want no bruises use your koozie. He said that? That's what we always say. I have that bumper sticker. Never that. Wow. Never that. No, no, no.

Never, never, never. Hashtag me too. No. Alright. Well, I'll tell you, man. Amazing for your first time, man. Really, truly great. I appreciate it. I study you guys. All right. Well, I'll tell you, man. Amazing for your first time, man. Really, truly great. I appreciate it. I study you guys. Really do. You have to do it again, man. You have to do it again.

I'll be in Chicago and I'll be in Kansas. Beautiful. Well, I'll tell you this. I'll tell you this. You said it the way you got my attention and all of our attention and locked it in. You nailed it on the head when you said that you're a contrarian. Wow, it means so much to me, man. Keep looking at the other side of things and the same thing that led attention and locked it in. You nailed it on the head when you said that you're a contrarian. And you know,

keep looking at the other side of things and the same thing that led you to that interesting suicide joke. I can't wait to see more. There he goes. Jimmy Stealth, everybody. Boom. Just did it. He's on Twitter at MadDiggity. All one word.

Wow. Ben Wade is the fake Ben Wade. He's coming to Chicago. He's gonna be in Lawrence, Kansas. A lot of crazy dates coming up. You guys having fun out there? You get the show? Was I right?

Do you think you can do it yet? Dick Cheney, you think you can perform yet? You think you got 60 seconds up there? No? I'm gonna check in with you in a bit. You keep thinking. Keep writing. Because if you close this show, this place is gonna go fucking ballistic. You hear me?

It's something. Start fucking thinking. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Matthew Johnson, everyone. Come on. Here we go. Anything can happen. Matthew Johnson. Here he comes.

Wow. He does not want to come up, you can tell. Here he is, good and loud for Matthew Johnson. All right. It's my first time doing stand-up. Real nervous. Kind of like losing my virginity, just a little less bloody. So that's about as far as I prepared for tonight.

I'm 23. I'm a millennial. I live in my parents' basement. I get caught masturbating about once a week. So I got that going for me. Yeah. What's up? I don't have any jokes about suicide.

That was pretty funny. Didn't think that one was going to hit. All right, all right. All righty. So 60 seconds is a pretty fucking long time. Woo! Let's beat. There you go.

There you go. A bunch of sound effects there. Hear the kitty. Matthew Johnson. Matthew, who signed... What's up? Jesus Christ. Matthew, who signed you up tonight? All right. See, woo. Jesus Christ Matthew

Who signed you up tonight? See, whoa My buddy called me He's like, hey, we're going to a comedy show I was like, oh, that's cool, you know And then we get here, he's like, oh, you know, sign your name I was like, alright, you know What is this, like a raffle or something?

He's like, oh no, you get called up And I was like, whoa, whoa. So, like, what's in it for me? I'll give you $20. I got a tight ass. I'm into $20. I'll take $20. Your buddy gave you $20 to sign up?

Yeah, and a free ticket. And I ate the leftovers of their food. Like I said, I'm a millennial. So, what's up? Wow. Did he sign up? No, no. Your friend paid you $20 for you to sign up?

Yeah. And he didn't have the balls to sign up? I guess not. Why don't we do this? Why don't you take a step back? Bobby! Bobby! And Matthew, bring him up.

Bobby, Bobby, get your ass up here. Matthew, Matthew, Matthew. Bobby! Matthew, listen to me. Listen to me. Please welcome to the stage... There you go. Bobby Kelly!

There you go. Gotta do it. Gotta do it Gotta do it Bobby You done fucked up baby boy Your turn Go Do it I don't have any jokes

What do you mean you don't have any jokes? Give it a fucking try Just look out there No excuses Do it I don't have any jokes. Give it a fucking try. Just look out there. No excuses. Do it. I don't have any jokes. I'm sorry. Just fucking try it. Just look out there and say something. Nah, I'm good. Oh, you fucking pussy. I can't do it.

What, are you gonna pay 20 bucks to get out of it? I know. Here. We could do this. We could do this together. Matthew, look out. Look at this fucking chubby Matthew McConaughey Oh man Come here, come here Don't be afraid, I know you want to do this

If you could do it, you would do it, right? Oh yeah But I can't No, you can't, I believe in you Here's what we're gonna do He's gonna bring you up one more time And you're gonna do everything I'm gonna whisper stuff into your ear

and then you're going to just... But don't look at me. You have to look out there confidently right in these fuckers' eyes. You just say what I whisper into your ear as we go. Alright? So you just say his name one more time, you hit music and then we start. Here's a

St. Louis native, a Baldwin County boy, Bobby Kelly! Bobby! Woo! I am a big faggot. Knock, knock. Me.

I'm a big faggot. There you go. You fucking did it, dude. Now you have to stay up here and get interviewed. I have an idea. I have an idea that this guy had a ghostwriter. So Bobby, what happened here tonight? You've been a fan of the show for a while? Yeah.

You brought your innocent... Look at this fucking guy. You're like, I'm going to find my biggest fucking slowest meathead friend. I'm going to give him 20 bucks and I'm going to watch the fucking insanity happen. You're just living your own little fucking 1% lifestyle over there. I didn't explain it to him at all either. Just exploiting your friends. Jack the Ripper.

Yeah, he looks like a Boss Baby became a teenager. Wow, I love it. What do you do, Bobby? I'm a car salesman. Really? Wow, I love that. Well, try to sell me a car right now. What kind of cars do you sell?

Cheap cars. Yeah? All right. Well, try to sell me a car right now. What kind of cars do you sell? Cheap cars. Yeah? All right. Well, I don't think that's a good start. Why don't you try to sell me a car? This is a part of this show we like to call Sell Me a Car. What kind of car are you looking for? Cheap one.

Cheap one? Yeah. All right, I bought this. Someone told me that if I come here, there's a cheap car salesman that signs his friends up for shows. Okay. I just got this Dakota in. It's a

2000 Dakota with 190,000 miles on it. Super rusty, but I bought it for 50 bucks. I'm willing to sell it for 200. You remind me of a huge faggot I once me of a huge faggot Huge faggot? Yeah

So you sell that cheap of cars? Like $200 cars? No, like $15,000 or less Wow Anyway $15,000 or less Hell yeah Jesus Christ.

Oh my God. Wow. That's my girlfriend. That's your girlfriend. She's giving the shout out to the business. She should definitely come up too. Wow. Should we get the whole fucking white trip?

Oh yeah. Whoa. Come on, Anna. Hey, what does she look like? Let's see. She's the blonde right by the pillar. Yeah, you know what? Bring her up. Bring her up. Hey, what does she look like? Let's see. She's the blonde right by the pillar. Yeah, you know what? Bring her up.

Bring her up. Okay, come on. Let's go. Here we go. We're going to have the whole fucking retarded Brady Bunch up here. Yes. Hello, I'm Anna, and I'm a huge faggot. Alright, you guys all get the hell out of here. Go to Kelly Motors if you want a cheap car.

Talk to fucking Bobby Kelly. There goes Matthew Johnson. There goes Anna, everyone. This show's off the tracks right now. It's the only show where we can actually say the words huge faggot because anybody that listens to this show or knows the show that is gay literally would be like, oh, he signed up his friend?

That is a huge fag move. By the way, San Francisco is our biggest market. Oh, Jesus. Ha ha, haters. We have a pass on the F word. Who knows? Next time we come back to St. Louis,

we might be able to use the N word. Anything can happen. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Courtney Tharp, everyone. Here we go. Here we fucking go. Courtney Tharp Courtney, Courtney Tharp Courtney, Courtney Tharp

Here she is everyone, Courtney Tharp One more time for Courtney Tharp Hey So I'm not a comedian at all and my fiance signed me up and i've never listened to your guys podcast and i didn't know that you were gonna call people up to do stand-up um so i have no jokes prepared um but my fiance made a joke the other night before bed.

He came into the room and was like, lights were out, and I was in bed, and I was sleeping. He was like, babe. It was that good that he wanted to wake me up and tell me. I just thought of this joke. And it's not a great joke. But since he signed me up, I'll tell it. Because a lot of people in the room know him. And he was like, okay, here's the joke.

You know, technology these days, moving along and advancing so quickly, you know, I'm just wondering when the day's going to come, somebody's going to be like, honey, I shrunk the kids. The day's going to come, somebody's going to be like, Honey, I shrunk the kids! I hate you. I hate your fiance.

I hate your children. I hope your house gets infected by black mold. Yeah. Chlamydia, yeast infections, thrush. Yes, thrush. Courtney, do you always let your fiancé sign you up for things that you're not able to do? Well, he said drive fast and... What is it? Make hard choices or...

But he didn't sign up? He didn't sign up, no. But he signed you up. Yeah. What is happening here? I know. I didn't want to do this to you guys. I don't understand.

How many other people signed people up here tonight that didn't know? The sign up sheet was right next to the poster. And so it kind of looked like you were signing up for a poster. But he knew he wasn't signing you up for a poster, right? Yeah, I don't know. Jesus, listen to that hateful lady back there. Someone just wants to have a cat fight tonight. I like that.

Courtney, ever been in a fight with someone before? Not that I can remember. I don't understand. How long have you been with the guy that signed you up tonight? Three years. Three years. What does he do? He...

He does marketing and social media and design and events. When you said that a lot of people know him here, what does that mean exactly? He runs a comedy festival here. And he didn't have the balls to sign up? No. You know what, Courtney? I don't even want to promote this guy's comedy festival because it's not anything that we're part of.

And it seems like he must not have that great of a sense of humor to sign up his poor innocent wife and put a dent in a show where probably 50 or 60 people signed up for a legitimate reason. I have people like fucking Jimmy Stealth coming up here and crushing. I don't understand. people like fucking Jimmy Stealth coming up here and crushing. You know. I don't understand. I'm not sure he knew what the podcast was either.

Well, then it's definitely not that good of a comedy festival. We're just gonna get you out of here. I'm sorry your husband did that to you and that you have to spend the rest of your life with him now. There she goes, Courtney Tharp, everyone. There you go.

Some guy that runs a comedy festival. Always the festival runner, never the comedian. Goes to show his killer sense of humor, signing up his unfunny wife for the show. Wow. Be sure to go check out that fucking wacky St. Louis comedy festival. I mean, and that was

his joke. That hilarious joke. So how do you know? What if we actually drink the kids? Whoa! Whoa! Jesus fucking Christ. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see how loud this place can get For the great John Holtgrev

John Holtgreve Come on guys, make some fucking noise For John Holtgreve Come on, guys, make some fucking noise for John Holgreen. In a fever dream during the great influenza, Ed Gallagher briefly saw 100 years into the future. Now, after being buried deep in the bowels of Fort Knox for nearly a century, we present to you the lost tapes of Gallagher and Sheehan

on Edison Records. Oh, Mr. Gallagher. Oh, Mr. Gallagher. Did you see that thing Trump tweeted just last night? Lord, no. He said... Oh, God, I lost it. He said Kim Jong-un is slight And if he were in a fight

He would beat him in the head with a big brass pipe Oh Mr. Shin, oh Mr. Shin Why don't you put away that tiny little screen While you're frittering all day There are so many games to play Table tennis, Mr. Gallagher, pocket pool, Mr. Sheehan. Wow. John Holcrab.

Walking in at exactly one minute. This is incredible. For those of you listening to the podcast, John is a, It appears to be... Am I right? You are blind. Legally blind, yes. Legally blind. Hell yes. Legally blind and legally blonde as well. Indeed.

For a second I thought you were Anna Faris up here. Oh, yes. There you go. So, John, let's talk about it. How long have you been blind for? My entire life. Your entire life? Yeah, 32 odd years.

32 years. Yes, very odd years. Heck yeah. So you came out blind. Yeah. So out of everybody that's been up here tonight, somehow you found your way to the stage easier than everybody. Yeah, what the fuck?

I called his name. He was up here in eight seconds. I didn't see a zip line here, but... It's called... Years of mobility training do help, my friend. Man, that's incredible. You should be these other people's seeing eye dog. Do you have a seeing eye dog, John?

No, I don't. No. You just go straight up... What do they call that? Stick shift? Yeah, we could do... You could call it that. Yeah, yeah. Heck yeah You just go straight up, what do they call that? Stick shift? Yeah, we could do it. You could call it that, yeah. Heck yeah. More automatic than stick

though. I use this as an affectation most of the time. I'm like Guy Caballero from SCTV. I use it for respect, you know? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Finally, a guy up here that admits to beating women. A lot of these guys earlier were turning a blind eye to me on that.

Well, you know, I mean, use what you got, right? Heck yeah. I love it. So, John, fuck, this is so interesting. I believe you're the first blind guy that we've ever had on this show. No. We had a blind guy before?

Yeah, in Houston, Texas. Remember? Yeah, that's right. I do sort of remember that. Well, how did you find the show, literally and metaphorically? Well, you know, there's a multitude of accessibility options, especially on Apple products, so it's pretty easy to... Do you have a job? Do you work? Yeah, I actually run a vending company. Run a vending company?

Yeah. Wow, what do you do? Just fucking cash in the quarters? Well, that's part of it, actually. That's a big part of it. You just hear how many quarters there are? Sounds like about seven bucks to me. We've got talking counters, actually. But, no, I actually manage a contract for the state of Illinois.

I have about 60 machines that I run, and I have two employees working for me. I own a vehicle and blah, blah, blah. Wow. Do your employees get away with a lot, don't they? No. I get checks and balances, trust me. You got strings tacked. That change is going to come.

Yeah. I love it. What kind of vending machines? Like soda machines? Soda machines, snack machines, cold food machines, you know, the whole bit. Yeah. I love it. What kind of vending machines? Like soda machines? Soda machines, snack machines, cold food machines, you know, the whole bit.

Wow, I love that. Yeah, those lovely rotating machines with the sandwiches and stuff that everyone's kind of afraid to use until they're really desperate. But you're not afraid.

Oh, I'm not ever afraid. I eat all that, yeah. Even the stuff that's left over for weeks I'll still eat. Heck yeah. Wow, that's incredible, John. It's full of soy, man. Come on.

What's the oldest thing you've ever eaten before? I'd say about a week or maybe two weeks. Oh, my God. That's incredibly disgusting. I guess if you can't see it, you don't care. This is good fucking cheese, right? It's only if you can taste the mold. Yeah, I mean, you know, shit.

Wow. John, how else has being blind affected your life? Any other fun facts about you, like you're the only blind rollerblade racer or something like that? No, no, sadly, sadly. I did, a family friend of mine actually was

totally blind and she biked across Europe. Really? Wow. She biked across Europe? Yeah. Man, that's incredible, especially making it over the English Channel. Yes, indeed. Well, it's easier these days, though. They built that channel, so you know. Well, there you go. John, what else?

What else are you into? I don't know. I mean, I live a relatively boring life. How long have you been running the vending place? For almost four years now. Oh, cool. You know, we used to rip those vending machines off as a kid.

We did a thing called Magic Dollar. I don't know if you guys know about this. You take clear packing tape, and you tape it to the very end of a book, and then you put the dollar in, and then you yank it out, and you get a credit, and you just get changed. We just filled our cars up with Coca-Cola and cigarettes and quarters. By the way, now you can see the type of people

you were stealing from. This is what it looks like. Look into his eyes. Look into his eyes right there. Enjoy those nightmares tonight. I love it. Now, that's a laugh on that one right there. That is a laugh.

The trick hasn't been able to work for years. They put the little thing at the end so it cuts off the bill. I love it. Let me ask you something. Is there a place where blind people go to meet other blind people? Is there like a fucking catfish bar out there somewhere? blind people? Is there like a fucking catfish bar out there somewhere? I actually went to

kind of an adult rehabilitation center when I trained for this program that I'm in, and it was like people just getting drunk and hooking up all over the place. Because that's just what you do. You live there. What the fuck? When you're drunk, everybody looks the same. Exactly. But it goes by smell,

right? Yeah. Is there like a gay dating app for blind people, like Blinder or something like that? No, no. Is that a thing? It'd be pretty easy. You wouldn't have to post a picture, right? I mean, as long as you can pretend long enough, you could troll the son of a bitch pretty easily. You just print out sheets of Braille of their face.

Exactly, yeah. John, you're from here in St. Louis? I'm actually from an hour and a half south of here. Hour and a half south of here. What is an hour and a half south of here? Chester, Illinois, home of Popeye the Sailor Man. Well, blow me down. Hold on a second.

Illinois is south of here somewhere? Yes, yes. I'm from Chicago and I had no idea until I moved down there. Illinois is south of here. I guess it's which way you're looking at it. Right. Oh, yeah, wait a second. Who the fuck am I asking here?

That's hilarious. I literally fell for that. It's not south of here. You're blind. What the fuck? I've been told. I hear tell it's south of here. You're blind. What the fuck? I've been told. I hear tell it's south of here.

Has anybody ever asked you for directions and they're like, oh, never mind. The North Pole goes south. All right. The sad thing is that when you're a pedestrian, you're actually more reliable on the side of people. It's true. You do have the right of way, I hear, in this country. That's very true. I was going to ask you what the best barbecue in town is, because I know that your sense of taste must be stronger than everybody else's.

I am absolutely agnostic on this subject. You don't eat barbecue? Not so much, no. Really? What is your favorite food? You believe that there is barbecue, though, right? Yes. Okay. I believe in the possibility of good barbecue.

Okay, then I don't know if you're agnostic. That's the second step, right? Okay, I'm just saying that there's a chance. What is something that you... Is there a reason why you don't like barbecue? No, it's just a preference. Did you ever have a bad experience? No, no, I didn't. Did you ever find something in your food that you didn't like barbecue? No, it's just a preference. Did you ever have a bad experience? No, no, I didn't.

Did you ever find something in your food that you didn't like? No, no. Yeah, he doesn't like ribeye. Yeah. Doesn't like what? He doesn't like ribeye. Freaks him out. He's like, why do ribs have eyes and I don't have two?

What? That's not fair. They're cooking it up and giving it to people. Come on, I need those eyes. Rib eye. Oh my god. Oh, well, yeah, I have no idea what the fuck you talked

about tonight, by the way. It was a reference to an old vaudeville act from about a hundred years ago. When you were writing, you definitely didn't... It seems like you crossed your I's and dotted your T's instead of... It's called knowing my audience, and my audience is centenarians. What's that? Yeah, what are centenarians?

People 100 years old. People 100 years old. Oh, that's me. I love that. Centenarians. Love that. Well, I'll tell you, man. So fucking interesting. How long have you been doing stand-up?

This is my first time in about four years. I did it for six months back when I lived up in Chicago. There you go. Well, I'll tell you, John. I mean, fucking, you know, no reason for you to not be doing it, dude. You probably have a lot more to talk about than, well, you definitely have more to talk about than half the people that were up here tonight. Thank you.

And it's amazing. The fuck did you just say? Bunch of assholes over there. I didn't realize they had Raider fans in St. Louis. This is crazy. Oh, no, I didn't realize they had Raider fans in St. Louis. This is crazy. Oh no, he didn't! Listen to that thick Latino accent here in St. Louis.

I was not expecting that. I think we should maybe build a wall from separating that part of the... Anyway, I wouldn't want them to build a wall because we know Rrrt Rrrt would run into it, you know what I mean? Well, John, and I mean, you know,

I'm sure you probably like got picked on and shit as a kid, right? You probably get bullied sometimes, right? You learn to internalize and ignore it. That's all.

Say that again? You just learn to internalize and ignore it. Sure. Well, I'll tell you this, though. This is a great outlet for you and, you know, you're putting all those

other people that would pick on a guy like you to shame by coming out and living your life and fucking driving an hour and a half, taking a chance, hoping to get on, coming out, executing, and then killing through the

interview portion. So enjoy the rest of your night. There he goes. The magical John Holtgreave, everybody. Come on. Wow, John. Standing ovation. Standing ovation. Standing ovation. We did it.

Oh, God. A girl's taken off her top. Wow. Big areolas on that show. Oh, my goodness. All the ladies are showing their tits at once. Pussy juice flying everywhere. Oh, my goodness. Wow.

Wow. My goodness. Wow. My goodness. You know, if you ever lose your vision due to anxiety or anything, Infinite CBD offers the cleanest, healthiest, purest form of CBD available. It's becoming more and more popular. I mean, literally,

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Brian just interrupted. There you go. It stands for that. Can't blind disorder. Research shows CBD helps everyone who has chronic pain, inflammation, anxiety and more. You can go to InfiniteCBD.com There's a lot of products that will help

improve your life and if you use the promo code Tony15 you can go to InfiniteCBD.com. There's a lot of products that will help improve your life. And if you use the promo code TONY15, you're going to get 15% off. So one more time, that's InfiniteCBD.com. Use TONY15, get 15% off, and use something healthy for your life. PM pills, topical cream, AM pills with a little bit of caffeine,

get your day started in a healthy way. InfiniteCBD.com. Won't help out with blindness at all. What was that? Won't help out with blindness at all, asterisk. Yes, just to let you know, we were joking about the blindness. Everything else was statistically correct except for the blindness. Back to the show.

All right, back to the bucket. What are you guys thinking, huh? Let's do it. Let's all do it together. Man, even the lady that hates emo's pizza is having fun now. This is exciting. Can I get a Jack and Diet, please? Do you want anything?

Sure, I'll take a Crown and Coke. Could I get the blood of an innocent child, please? Alright, pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian. Ron Finger, everyone. Ron Finger. Wow. And their bald guy with the beard.

Hey, Ron Finger, everyone. Hey, who saw that coming? Is it ironic that Jack the Ripper looks just like Kenny G hey they're both big pussy slayers no what fun fact if you go out to eat if you eat at restaurants you eat about 12 pubes a year

so that means that there's a lot of pubes getting eaten here tonight. One out of four people is eating a pube. I thought that was a low number, because that's my average Tinder date. I'm 24 sometimes. But you know what that really means, is that they've got to change the words to the Big Mac song. Yeah, because the Big Mac song? Yeah, it's like, because it's really, it's all,

the Big Mac song is all about accuracy. It's two wall beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, and sometimes pubes.

Is that, how many seconds do I have left, Redman? There you go, there you go. All right, hey, Wu-Tang. Wow. There you go. Wu-Tang.

Heart shout out. Wow. There you go. So Ron Finger. Yes, sir. There you go. I mean, how do you feel about that right there? What just happened here?

You know, not good. Like most things. I look like this, so I don't really feel good. there what just happened here uh no you're not good like most things you know I look like this so I don't really feel good combination of everyone that's been on the stage tonight together you can't teach that Tony no you can't teach that no can't so Ron how do you get a name like Ron finger is that your real is that your real name or did you get that from hanging out with little girls? Yeah, you look like a toe.

Oh, that's Ron Finger. Look out. Keep your daughter away from him. Yeah, well, yeah, little girls. Wait, what? Doctors. Oh. Everybody's got fingers, right?

I mean, it seemed like a common, you know, kind a common... Something that everybody could relate to. I guess so. Why do you look like a pro wrestler that only wrestles alcoholism? Because I don't really look good in a singlet. I see what you did there. What do you do for work, Ron? I'm a personal trainer.

Stop it. It's true. It's true. I mean, all I gotta do is I show up and I go, hey, you don't want to look like this? Come on. Do some push-ups. Ron, do that next time you get pulled out of the bucket. Okay. Let's talk about your real life here. What do you do for work? I'm an arborist.

You're a what? An arborist. What is that? I work with trees. I work with trees. That's cool. What is that? I work with trees. I work with trees. That's cool. What exactly do you do with trees? Plant trees, make sure trees are okay. Are you an arborist? I know all about that.

Yeah, damn, dude. You guys are all built exactly the same? Tell me, Ron, since you're an arborist, what an arborist does with trees? I keep trees out of gangs. Oh, my God. I teach them to read. Oh, my God. It's St. Louis, man.

You don't ever know what a tree's going to do around here. Oh, my God. Oh, man. He's forcing another bit into the interview. I know. It's unbelievable. This is a guy that fucking signed up for fucking groundlings. Now he's up here flexing.

Come on, Ron. I mean, dude, it's pretty straightforward. You look at trees, and then you cut them down. So you cut them down. Yeah, yeah. That's cut them down, plant them. There you go. Give them cigarettes.

Yeah. Oh, you did it again. Ah, god damn it. You can't help yourself. No, I'm terrible. I'm a whore. So Ron, tell us more about your real life without trying to be funny. Just tell us more about you.

I live in a haunted house. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? It's true. I fucking live in a haunted house, man. What's haunted about your house? Why don't you believe that? I believe that your floors creak, but I think it's because you're fat. I believe that your floors creak, but I think it's because you're fat.

I think the sound of heavy breathing in the middle of the night is you. I think the monster under your bed is a sandwich you left there months ago. No way. No way. I never eat a sandwich. I think he hears growls in the middle of the night and it's his stomach. That doesn't make sense. I'm a fan person. I'm never hungry. Wow. Ron, why do you say your house is haunted?

Because there's a ghost there. What does it do? Does it eat your food in the middle of the night? We'd have a problem then. No, it just says stuff like, the house is haunted. That's what the ghost said? Yeah. Wait, you're...

Oh, God. I didn't say it was a smart ghost. You're telling me that a spirit from the underworld is coming up just to let you know this house is haunted. Yeah. And you're like, what do you need? Do you need help?

He's like, that's all I need to tell you. This place is haunted. Does it sound a lot like one of your buddies trying to not laugh at the same time? Ron, it's me, Augusta. Your house is haunted. It's not too far from that. It's pretty close. All right, Ron.

I don't think. What do you do for fun? What are you into? What do you do? Hockey. Yeah? Yeah. What kind of hockey?

The kind where you watch on TV and drink beer and go blues! The kind that I had. That was bad. You are a pandering fuck. I'm fucking terrible. When you say hockey, what do you mean?

You just like it because it's made out of ice? Yeah. I'm a fat person and ice makes me feel less hot and less sweaty. It's a cool sport, and it takes a lot of skill and grace. What's a fun fact that we would be surprised to know about you, Ron? What's a fun fact about Ron that would surprise us? I'm a nice person. Yeah?

What's the most recent nice thing you've done for somebody? Oh, well, you know, I drove a drunk person from St. Charles, which is way, way far away, all the way down to the city just to get laid. Wow. Yeah, that was like a $90 Uber ride, but I'm the Uber of sexual satisfaction, I guess. I was like, you've got to get to that pussy.

I'll deliver you. Wow. So you're the friend that's like, you're about to make a bad decision, but you're drunk. You can't get there. I'm going to take you there so you can still make that bad decision tonight. Amen, Jack. All right. It takes friends.

It takes friends to make the world go round. Did you get to watch or anything? You know, yes. Wow, look at that. I did. All right. It takes friends. It takes friends to make the world go round. Did you get to watch or anything? You know, yes. Wow, look at that. I did. I did. I paid, though. Cuckold.

All right. Well, Ron, there's something about you that I can't stand. I can't quite put my finger on it. You seem like a likable guy, and I think you're just trying to have fun up here. But, you know, it's just something I hate about you. I don't know what it is. A lot of people say that about me by the way. You're not the first person. That's pretty much everybody on

earth. Thank you Tony. I'm sorry I don't really feel bad for you. I've had blind people and people that didn't even know what they signed up for up here tonight. I don't feel bad for you. I'm always happy to disappoint. Thank you.

Anything you could say to me to help redeem my caring for you? Bigfoot walks into a bar and he orders a beer and the bartender says, Bigfoot, why do they call you Bigfoot? And he says, because I hate the metric system.

There you go. I hate him more. I hate you more than I did a minute and a second ago. There goes Ron Finger, everybody. Ron Finger. All right. You guys want to go back to the bucket one more time, huh? All right, let's see what happens here. It's a deep bucket.

I'd like to give a shout out. I love that there's somebody, I'm pretty sure I know who it is, someone right over here that every time I pull a name out of the bucket and I say the name, he says, yeah, like it's him. Or like it's one of like his best friends that he's waited all night for. I love your energy, sir. And I appreciate you. Very cool. Watch. Listen for it. I'm going to do it again right now. Make some noise for Ronaldo Mercado. noise for Ronaldo Mercado. Ronaldo Mercado. Sounds like he came from this corner.

Here he is, Ronaldo. Thanks. I, uh... Thanks. I, uh... I got some really exciting news, guys. I just moved out of my mom's house. Yeah. Turns out grandma's house is way nicer. I had no idea.

It's great. I finally found a girl who cooks, cleans, and tucks me in for nappy poo time. It's great. I love her. It's finally starting to warm up a little bit in St. Louis. I don't like the cold. I'm not meant for it genetically. I know that. I'm Mexican. for it genetically. I know that.

I'm Mexican. I belong on the interstate selling citrus. You know what I mean? A lot of people use ancestry sites to figure out where you're compatible. I don't need 23andMe to let me know that I belong outside of Home Depot in Arizona. It's ridiculous. I said, I'm Mexican. I was the only Mexican in my group of friends in high school.

I also used to smoke a lot of weed, so they call me Hash Brown. Which is fine, because I knew that they were my home fries. You know what I mean? All right. Thanks, guys. Fuck yeah. Ronaldo Mercado. Holy shit.

Wow, that was impressive. They have Mexicans here. That's cool. There you go. That's a good first thought, Brian. You put that all together that whole time, opening line. Lots of Mexicans here now. Ronaldo, I've missed you ever since the last episode of that 70s show.

Impressive. Do people really sell citrus by the road here in St. Louis? Do Mexicans really do that heres show. Impressive. Do people really sell citrus by the road here in St. Louis? Do Mexicans really do that here? No, where it's warmer, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've never seen a Mexican do that before, have you? No, not here. But nowhere.

Have you ever seen it physically with your own eyes? Well, in Florida one time. Oh, you went to Florida. One time. I went to Florida one time. Puerto Rican. You're Mexican, right? Yeah. Half. Right. Half Mexican. What's the other half? White.

Whoa. Jesus, you said that like it was black. Yes. You said it like you were ashamed or something. Oh, white. What do you do for work, Ronaldo? It sounded like you were ashamed or something. Oh, white. What do you do for work, Ronaldo?

I'm the supervisor of operations at the pageant in St. Louis. Wow, place goes crazy. It's time for us to find out. What is the pageant? That's where Tom Segura and Burt Kreischer play. It's a rock venue. It's a rock venue. I love that the crowd thinks that's a dig.

By the way, Tom and Burt have been doing this ten years longer than me, fuckos. Looks like I still have a little bit of time, you fucking hating assholes. Segura was here four years ago, you fucks. That's just for reference. Yeah, thanks, asshole. Piece of shit.

Shit. Yeah. Is your mom Mexican? Your dad white? My dad's Mexican. Oh, what the fuck? What and your dad white? My dad's Mexican. Oh, what the fuck? What does your dad do? He's a line cook at Hooters in Keener Plaza,

like right down there somewhere. Oh, you're looking at the map. Wait, which is the part of town where Tom Segura and Bert Kreiser play? Surprised I can't see them drawing on this fucking thing. Yeah, they're fat. It looks like your dad painted this too. I've seen better

arches on a dead hooker. How long has your dad worked at Hooters? I don't know. Really? Yeah. I don't really know. If you had to guess how long your dad's worked at Hooters. 15 years. What? I don't know. I really don't know. Really? Yeah. I don't really know. So your parents are... If you had to guess how long your dad's worked at Hooters... 15 years maybe? What? I don't know.

I really don't know. And your parents are still together? No. Oh, no. But is that where he met your mom? What? Is that where he met your mom? I don't think so.

That's where I met you. Can we call one of them right now and ask them? I can call my mom. Let's do it. Let's call them and ask them. But don't tell her that you're on the show. Everyone has to be quiet. And you have to put her on speakerphone.

What do you want me to ask her? Just don't hit send yet. Did you already do it? I already hung up on her. When you call her back, make sure you already have it on speakerphone. Make sure you have the microphone to the bottom end of the phone. And then keep it nice and slow. Don't rush it.

Say, Mom, there's something that I've always wanted to ask you. Did Dad meet you when he was working at Hooters or was it before that? And if she says no, it wasn't at Hooters, ask them where they did meet. Go ahead. Okay. Here we go. Don't let that drunk guy in the middle ruin it. I'm not available right now. Bye. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Mom, mom, mom, mom. At the tone, please

record. I didn't know that was her voice. Your mom has a dollar-ass voicemail message. That sounds like the voicemail of a lady that used to work at a hooter. My goodness. My God. Hooters.

That's incredible. Does your mom have big boobies? No. No. There's the answer right there. Really? Well, I don't know. I don't know.

Sometimes they have little itty-bitty titties, the girls at the Hooters. The raisins. The guys are into that. Yeah. I've seen a couple chicks there that look like Jack the Ripper. What about dad? Does your dad have a phone? You ever talk to your dad? Does your dad have a phone? You ever talk to your dad?

Does your dad have big tits? No, I don't talk to him. You don't talk to him anymore? No. What happened there? You just decided that it was over between you and him? Was there something that happened that set it off? Literally, I don't,

I don't know him that really, I met him at the Hooters. The first time we met was at the Hooters. What was that like? Yeah, it was weird. I had like just broken my leg. How old were you at the time?

Uh, probably like 15. Yeah. Probably 15. Yeah. I broke, I broke my leg and my mom was like, let's go down to Hooters,

meet your dad. He'll buy us food. It's like for free, you know? He said, do you want to meet your dad? And mom was like, let's go down to Hooters, meet your dad. He'll buy us food for free. He said, do you want to meet your dad? And I was like, alright, I guess so. And I met him there. Wow, that's how you met your dad. Yeah.

I have to say, I've lived a very sad and tragic life. Most people don't know my story. But that brought me the tears right there. And I'm Jack the Ripper. Thank goodness. Did you cry when you met him,

or was it a wet nap that you used to try the tears? No, I don't know. I was an awkward teenager, so I was't know. I was like an awkward teenager. So I was like really awkward. I was just like, okay. Every 15-year-old's awkward their first time in Hooters, bro.

You don't know where to look and shit. Just like, oh, hey, Dad. How are you? Good to see you. Everybody's like the blind guy. Just, hey. Oh, you're my dad? Real cool.

Who's that girl over there? Oh, yeah, totally, dad. Son, let's talk about the birds and the bees. I see you have a gigantic boner right now. Did you get a boner your first time at Hooters? No. Yeah. Come on now, Ronaldo.

You have a cool name, Ronaldo Mercado. What do you want to be when you grow up? Stand-up comedian. Stand-up comedian. How long have you been doing stand-up for? You could also be a soccer player, a magician with that name. It's true. Anything.

Ronaldo Mercado. A vending machine operator. Almost nine months. Almost nine months. You've been doing it while you're ready to come out of the womb. How many kids do you have? None, thankfully. Well, you be careful back there.

Don't you go cooking up babies like your dad did. You know what I'm saying? It's incredible. What'd you get when you went to Hooters? Did it traumatize you? Have you had trouble

eating buffalo chicken sandwiches ever since? No. I got a really big burger and I remember my dad made a comment like, oh, you have a big appetite. Basically called me fat because I was a fat kid. That's how you ended up. Are you serious? He's trying to bond with you. He's trying to be a nice guy. Was that the last

time you saw him? Yes. Wow. So you never even gave him another chance. You're like, Dad, you know what? You can take you and all your big-titted friends and get the fuck out of my life. No, actually, I forgot. He hooked me up with, like, my first car, and he gave me a car. Oh, mind how easily we forget. I forgot.

I did. He did. He did. Who'd he steal it from? One of his buddies, probably, something. Wow. What kind of car was it? Wait no

I could just ask the person who sold it to him It was like a 2006 Honda Civic Wow Enough to take the whole family around For a drive Incredible Honda Civics are nice Well Ronaldo whole family around for a drive. Incredible. Fuck yeah.

Under civics are nice. Well, Ronaldo, anything else that we would find interesting about you? How old are you again? 20. 20 years old. That only happened to you five short years ago? Yeah. That's incredible. 20 years old and you already... I want to adopt this child. Thanks, Jack. Tickle him. Tickle him, Jeremiah. Tickle him. Tickle him.

Tickle him, Jeremiah. Tickle him. Yeah, he's tickling. I can tell he's tickling. No tickling. Don't do it. Get him. Get him.

Get him. He's going to get it. He's going to get it. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him.

Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him.

Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him.

Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him.

Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him.

Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. podcast listeners. They love that shit. Wow. So, Ronaldo, you're 20 years old. I'll tell you this, man.

You popped off more jokes in 60 seconds than it seems like anybody else did. Very, very, very fun stuff. How long have you been doing it now? Nine months. Incredible, incredible work. Thank you. I can tell that you're doing a very serious job. Thanks.

We'll see you again soon. There he goes. Ronaldo Mercado, everyone. There you go. We'll see you soon, Ronaldo. You can bet on it. We did it here tonight. Thank you, St. Louis, Missouri.

Epic, epic times. here tonight. Thank you, St. Louis, Missouri. Epic, epic times. We will be signing posters. We only have 30 prints. It's only 20 bucks. We're going to sign them. We'll take pictures with you right after the show, right out there.

And the fun continues. Thank you so much, St. Louis. Thank you. The show goes on. West Nyack, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, New York, and San Francisco. On and on we go. Where Kill Tony ends, nobody knows. Tony ends. Nobody knows. Jeremiah will be selling feminist Stacy

I mean, a cat burglar stickers and magnets after the show. And he also has some CDs of his stand-up on there. And also don't forget, tickets available for this weekend. Yeah, come see us do comedy, guys. Yeah, stand-up comedy. Long fun sets there.

And yeah, thanks to Infinite CBD. Use the code Tony15. And, yeah, thanks to Infinite CBD. Use the code TONY15. And at BetDSI, it's KILL120. Try Caveman Coffee. Use KILLTONY. Save 15%. Have it delivered to you as well. Yep, yep.

Thanks a lot, guys. 08 Jeremiah Watkins. Yes, and for a very limited time, you can get Feminist Stacey T-shirts at JeremiahWatkins.com. The pre-sale is almost over. Thank you so much. St. Louis, thank you. You guys were amazing.

Good night.あなたはララララ 魂魂あなたはララララ 魂魂 あなたはララララ 魂魂 Bye.