KILL TONY - KILL TONY #337

Episode Date: April 11, 2019

Tiffany Haddish, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 04/08/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to all the shows.

You also can click on tour dates. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store, but we just started this huge tour and we're everywhere. We're going to be in West Nyack, New York, La Jolla, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane, Portland,

Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Nebraska, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis. So many places. And if you want the whole entire list, just go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. And there you can have all the information, all the entire list of our tour and tickets. So you can buy tickets right there. Also check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything the Golden Pony at TonyHinchcliffe.com

Ryan J. Ebelt he's the house artist. He draws every episode. He draws the posters, the books, and everything. Go to RyanJEbelt.com And last but not least ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. You can get Kill Tony shirts

there, Death Squad hats, Death Squad mugs, a bunch of stuff. All designed by me at ShopSquad dot TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the real famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hatchclad.

Hi, everyone. Come on, make some noise. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Brian Redband is here. We have the great Ryan J. Ebelt is here drawing tonight's episode. How exciting. We're back in the saddle again, Brian Redband. Yes, yes.

We had a great time in St. Louis. That was awesome. We did. We did. St. Louis came out, and we had a great, great time there, packed it out, and had a fun weekend of stand-up comedy shows. And we do it again this week. We go to West Nyack, New York at Levity Live on Thursday, do a Kill Tony, and then we have four stand-up shows, Friday and Saturday night. So there you go.

And I will tell you – well, no, I won't tell you that. That will be a surprise for the West Nyack people. And then the road to Kill Tony Mania starts the Kill Tony Summer Tour. We are in La Jolla for two shows at the La Jolla Comedy Store on the 28th of April. And then starting in May, we really go all the way. Kill Tony live from theaters and rock clubs in Phoenix, Arizona, Las Vegas, Nevada, Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane, Portland,

Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, and then New York, New York at the Gramercy Theater, which is almost sold out. New York City. Can you believe that? That's great. That's a huge place.

Huge, huge, huge. It's crazy. We're very, very excited. And just a reminder, we're back here in Los Angeles throughout that entire tour every Monday here at the Comedy Store, the home and birthplace of Kill Tony. Very exciting stuff, you know? It's one of those things where this tour is crazy and we need all the help we can get.

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Every single week on this show, we always have an amazing comedian, one of the funniest people or two of the funniest people, depending on the episode. This one person is enough bang for our buck. We almost a second guest we're like you know what second guest get the hell out of here we don't want to clutter this up yeah this woman has the power of uh 20 guests in one she just joined us a few weeks ago made her illustrious return to kill tony and we're so excited that she's back it's probably basically basically, pound for pound, without a doubt, the most powerful woman in the history of Kill Tony. This was the band at one point. She's been a guest multiple times.

She's an absolute killer. She's one of our favorite people. It's Tiffany Haddish, everybody. Oh, snap. Oh, snap. She ready. The one and the only Hell yeah

Hey y'all Oh shit She ready Tiffany Haddish Did you hear all those nice things he was saying about me I was gonna keep going until I heard you coming out early Really he was gonna say more Like what say it to my face

I was gonna say You know truly Someone who we've toured the entire country with. I mean, the three of us did co-headlining triple tours together. Yeah. Vancouver, all of Texas, all of Canada. We've done it all. Killed our livers together. Drank pedialyte.

What was she going to say about me, though? Right. Remember when you puked out the door of that car? Yeah, that was in it. It was actually, she didn't puke out the door. It was in a plastic bag. Yes, I was clean with my puke. Long John Silver's.

It was. Fuck Long John Silver. I'll never forget sitting next to you. They made me sick. The Secret Life of Pets comes out June 7th of this year with Kevin Hart. And Tuca and Birdie is going to be out on Netflix. It's your new Netflix show with Ali Wong. Yes, May 2nd.

May 2nd. I love that. Me and Ali Wong, we play besties. We cool in real life, but that was racist as fuck. I don't like that. What you going to do for me? What's my sound tone? Uh-oh. What's my shit? If it's gunshots, I swear to God, I'm going to fuck you up.

Ah! Red band. Oh, my goodness. It's a unicorn. Come on. That's a unicorn. That's what you should have did at first. Fuck you, red band.

All right. All right, red band. Okay, very good. Yes, very good. There you go Red Band. Alright, Red Band. Okay, very good. Yes, very good. There you go. Alright. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. You guys saw that, right? Got it on video. Settlement. There you go.

I'm excited to have you back. Is your ears falling yet? They are ringing, actually. Gave you that mama pop in the back of the head. That's how your mama pop you in the back of the head. Make your ear hurt all day. She didn't even hit you in the ear, just in the back of the head. But your ear hurt.

Is that yours? That's, yeah. You drinking delicious caveman coffee? Well, you know what this is? Is this what this is? Because I feel like it's medicine. Oh, it is. It cures being tired. Yeah, it's a little nasty, but I feel it it's medicine. Oh, it is. It cures being tired.

Yeah, it's a little nasty, but I feel it working. Okay. Give me like nasty. Yeah, for those of you listening to the podcast, nasty is like a compliment now. Here in L.A., that's like a hip thing. It's a hip thing. Like nasty is like cool.

It's like, you know, that. It's like Janet Jackson. Everybody in here that ate something nasty and be like i'm gonna try it again because i felt better afterwards right yeah everybody in here to have something nasty but then they feel better afterwards yeah like me and dick it's some nasty dick out here but i feel better afterwards a little janet jackson nasty all right so uh we have Tiffany. You're back. We had so much fun with you. You ready to bring out the band, your favorite people in the world? Yeah, bring out the band.

Every single week, the band commits to being different characters. You never know what they're going to be. They stay in character throughout the episode. They're some of my favorite humans, some of the funniest people on the planet. Make some noise for the Kill Tony band. It's Jeremiah Watkins, Strollberg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Let's see what they are tonight. Whoa! We know these guys. Wow. Oh my God. You guys are lucky.

These are some of the most famous characters in the band's history. We know this guy clearly just made bail. It's Shanks, everybody. Yo, what up? Shanks is in the building. Wow. Shanks, you've been away a while. You know who this is right here? You know anything about Tiffany Haddish? Yeah.

What do you know about Tiffany? Man, I just watch her show with Tracy Morgan, dog. Yeah? Yeah. What'd you think about it? It was good. Heck yeah. It's about criminals coming out of jail and shit, getting their life

together. Yeah, that's why I like it. Very good. And next to you, we have Chroma Chris, who clearly got in trouble for what? Stealing art or something? I call myself the bus stop strangler, but I'm innocent, Tony. Oh, wow. And then back here, it appears as though we have a... Oh, my God.

Big panic, homie. What's up, eh? Wow, big panic. Is that a picture of Tiffany on your chest? No, that's Jolina, homie. Oh, shit. Man, you look like a Mexican Freddie Mercury, and I love it. I'm excited about this.

I thought Freddie Mercury was Mexican. So here we are. We have some real prisoners with us tonight. I like that jumpsuit you got on, Tiffany. You look like you're in the women's correctional facility. It's just enough. Heck yeah. I'm actually a mechanic.

I fix men's hearts. Ooh, Shanks. Ha ha, looks like I need a tune-up. Jeremiah Watkins is Shanks, and you can get new Feminist Stacy T-shirts at jeremiahwatkins.com. This is the last week they're available. So we have the band in place, the prisoners.

We have Tiffany Haddish, Red Band, Ryan J., Joel Berg, everybody's here, have Tiffany Haddish, Red Band, Ryan J., Joel Berg. Everybody's here, which means only one thing's left, and that's this, the Bucket of Destiny, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, Bucket of Destiny. We have a bunch of people that signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. If your name gets pulled out of the bucket, maybe it's your first time ever doing stand-up. Maybe you're a comedy vet from around the world, and it's your first time at doing stand-up, maybe you're a comedy vet from around the world and it's your first time at the comedy store. Who knows?

Maybe it's somebody that we've seen before. Last week, Steve Lee, a guy that's been pulled out of the bucket for six years almost, he booked himself an entire weekend in New York at Skank Fest. Luis J. Gomez paid for it. That's great.

Amazing. And Steve Lee is going to be wobbling his way all the way to New York City. We're so excited for him. Best hands in the business. That's right. So if I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds of stage time. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means wrap it up then, or else you're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Very good. Very good. And there's a little mouse there, too, clearly. And then we interview you. I befriended one of those in prison once. What? Never mind.

Y'all never seen the Green Mile? Okay, moving on. Oh, a mouse. All right. Very good. And then I interview you, and we find out more about you, maybe something that makes you different than everybody else. So that's Kill Tony.

You guys ready to start this thing or what? We're live at the Comedy Store. Nobody has more fun than us on Monday nights. That's the only rule. I'm excited. I miss you guys. I know. We always have so much fun together.

Yeah. That last episode was crazy. Right? I got nicked and everything. Hell yeah, you did. You got my arm. You saw Joel's dick also, I heard. Right? I got nicked and everything. Hell yeah, you did. You saw Joel's dick also, I heard. Who? What? The drummer? I didn't suck.

No, you didn't suck it. If I would have sucked his dick, he wouldn't be here no more. He would be like, Tiffany is my everything. I don't play the drums no more. I just cook and clean. He got in trouble for you.

That's what Mexicans do. They cook and they clean. What? It's true. Come on, you guys. We are cooking clean, right? All right. I pulled a name out of the bucket.

Your first comedian doing 60 seconds and then meeting all of us tonight goes by the name of John Beyond. John B-O-V. John B-E-O-V. John B-E something. Whoa. I just see no movement. Is this John?

No. It's no movement. Wow. Are you John? Yeah. Is this your handwriting, John? Are you going to come up? Is that your fucked up little last name?

Does it start with a B-E? Come on up here, John. Get your ass up here. Come on. Here we go. Ba-na, ba-na, ba-na. One more time for John, everyone. One more time for John, everyone.

Okay, where's my weed smokers at? Make some noise. Hell yeah. I was talking to this one guy. He said the first drug he ever tried was cocaine. Who the hell skips weed as their first drug and does cocaine? That's like on a date, skipping the first kiss and going straight to anal. You're just like, so do you want a kiss?

The girl's like, no, we're doing anal. Yeah, I don't mess around. I'm pretty hardcore. I'm Catholic. Anybody else Catholic? Rope Catholic? Hey, all right. I'm Catholic.

Worst part about being Catholic is you tell an old man your deepest and darkest sins. I always thought that was kind of weird. One time I told the priest that I looked at porn, and he said that your penance is to tell your parents that you looked at porn. And I said no. Just totally not doing that. I'm not telling my parents I looked up porn. I got caught looking up porn one time.

I forgot to delete the search history on my computer. My mom was pissed. Not so much because I looked up porn. That's a minute for John, everybody. John, stick with me here. Heck yeah. Look at this. The kid from Two and a Half Men all grown up. I grew up.

I grew up. Heck yeah. How old are you, John? I'm 24. 24. Oh, hell yeah. Oh. Shanks, are you into this guy?

Is this your type of guy? Oh, hell yeah. Chubby and bubbly. I like that. I'm not dropping the soap. I'm not doing it. John, you ever been to prison before? I've never been to prison.

Shanks, what would you do to this guy if he was in your cell? Oh, man, I'd rape him. Wow. Didn't really get straight to the point on that one. Yeah. Heck yeah. Ain't no sex first, right? Yeah.

Man. That shit was so funny to me because I was like, he don't know nobody that's trying to maintain their virginity. John, how long you been doing stand-up? Coming up in two years. Two years. Where at? I'm from Omaha.

Omaha, Nebraska, which is in the middle of the Kill Tony summer tour. We're doing our first ever Kill Tony there. Your handwriting's bad. What's your last name? My friend wrote it down, but it's Beal, B-E-A-L. Wow, yeah, he really fucked that up. I could sort of see how that would be. I could see.

You see why it looks like B-E-O-V there? That's what you've seen, too. Tony, I thought it was Hill, man. What is it about this show we attract all these Bobby Hill-looking motherfuckers? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, my God. So, John, is Omaha where you live? Yeah.

And what do you do there? I worked at the YMCA. You worked at the YMCA? Okay, we're already halfway there. Were you the cowboy or the police officer? Which one were you? No, that's the village people. Oh, okay.

What do you do at the YMCA? I kind of help out with a lot. I work at the front desk. I teach some classes. What kind of classes do you teach? Exercise classes. Yeah? Really. What kind of classes do you teach? Exercise classes. Yeah? Really? What kind of exercise?

Via Skype? You one of those teachers that just plays a video when you get in front of the classroom? Yeah. I was like, you guys just watch this. Vocal exercises? He looked like a substitute. Man.

Man. My grill is still setting, you know? You didn't get to finish that joke about porn. If your mom would have seen your porn history, what would it have said? What would have been there? So, I didn't delete the search history

and she was pissed. Not so much because I looked at porn, but because I spelled vagina with a J. Oh, heck yeah. You need to get hooked on phonics, dog. I thought you Googled propane and propane accessories. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Wow, Shanks, you can play by ear. And by eyes. I love it. John, what's a fun fact about you that would surprise us? You seem like you have a little, probably some shady hobbies or something like that. Something creepy that you do. You like to... like that? Something creepy that you do? You like to

Yeah, you seem like you like to race cars in reverse or something like that. He's like, I'm a ballerina. Yeah, something. Come on, there must be something. You play music at all? No. I just do comedy. Yeah, other than comedy.

What else? Oh, let's see. I love to ride my bike. You love to ride your bicycle. He is from King of the Hill. Bobby loves riding his bike, too. When you say bike, you mean bicycle? I mean my bicycle, yes.

He likes bikes, but he means he likes to be pegged. What was that one? Clownhorn? Wow. Where do you ride your bicycle to? The candy store? Like, what is this? You seem like everything seems so childish about you. Just on the weekends.

No, I, there's a big trail by my house. There's a what? There's a big trail by my house, so I just always hit that up. Big trail in Omaha. Is it a trail of tears? Big trail is my cellmate's name, homie. There you go. That mustache gets thicker since I turned around last time. Do you have a girlfriend?

Have you ever had a girlfriend? Do you want a girlfriend? How long has it been since you had a girlfriend, John? About a year. Yeah. Where did it go wrong? Let me guess. You fucked her too softly.

Am I right? You fuck like a YMCA front desk man, just missionary position. You give her a bottle of water afterwards. You got to punish these girls, John. I know. I'm trying. What's your favorite... What's your finishing move in the bedroom? You seem like the kind of guy that would just lift up your own legs for some reason.

I don't know. You seem like there's something crazy that you don't even know about. I think we all pictured something different when I said that, by the way. Oh, shanks. Jesus, look at this guy. My God. I pictured something different when I said that, by the way. Oh, shanks. Oh, Jesus. Look at this guy. My God. Oh, my God.

Disgusting. What would you do to impress a girl in the bedroom? What's a sex move that you do that you think is special to you? Shit, I don't know. Just pay her money. Wow. How much money? Right, Manny? Have you paid for sex before? I have not, no.

No. He lying like a motherfucker. Wow. That's incredible. You close with your family? Very close, yes. Yeah? What do you have? A mom have a mom and a dad? Mom, dad. Peggy, Hank.

You have brothers and sisters? Three sisters, no brothers. You the youngest? Second oldest. Second oldest. Do you be beating up your sisters? No. How about when you were a kid?

You seemed like you lit stuff on fire, like a magnifying glass and shit like that. You used to burn ants. No, I was a pretty chill kid. Really? Did you ever get in trouble for anything? Wow. Whoa. You a motherfucking liar.

Wow. She sounds like she could make this interview a lot more interesting. Who is this? Wow. John, who is that? She's been through some shit. Girl, what'd he do? He tell your Barbie doll heads off?

What'd he do? Aggressive, huh? Wow, John. Geez. He ever choke you before? He ever throw you into anything? Stomp on your back? And then lift his legs up in the air afterwards?

All right, John. Well, you got the show kick-started tonight. This is your first time here, right? When do you have to go back to Omaha? Tuesday. Tuesday. Tomorrow. There he goes.

John Beal, everybody. Give it up for John. He's on Twitter at John G. Beal. He seemed like an abusive big brother. Man, can I just say, the band sounds fucking fantastic tonight. I mean, wow. Well, they've had all that time to practice. They've been in jail, right?

That's right. So gross. Stop. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's keep this fun train moving along. Make some noise for Kenny Bondeson, everyone. Kenny Bondeson. Here we go.

Here comes Kenny. He's making his way to the stage. One more time for Kenny Bondison. How's everybody doing tonight? Good? All right. Guys, I can't stand when people just have a basic, easy name, you know? Like Molly with, like, an I-E, thinking it's all cute and stuff, you know? Like, I used to date this girl named Amy, but she spelled her name C-U-N-T. It was the weirdest thing.

Took me so long to get used to that, you know? Pretty tough going to Starbucks with her. Coffee for cunt. Yeah, it's over here. I used to have this really cool shirt, big shark on it. Always got compliments, right? Never knew what to say. One time, I said, watch out, it bites.

And this guy, he goes, as he's walking away, he goes, I'm not gay, but I bite back. Which is literally the gayest thing you can possibly say in the moment, right? That's what he said, but what I heard is, I'm not gay, but I'll suck a dick. I'll do that. That's what I'll do. Kittens, man. I used to have a cat named Kitsie. Rest in peace, Kitsie. There you go, Kenny Bondeson.

Thank you. Wow. Fresh off of WrestleMania, Dave Bautista is here right now, going under the codename Kenny Bondeson. Real heavy breathing up there tonight. I was, uh... It was like he just finished fucking. Yeah. I think he raped John Beale on his way up here.

He do look like he would be like somebody that would do. Yeah. He looks like he, he looks like he would rape shanks. Yeah. That mustache is like real rapier ish. Shank says no. Shanks would like push back

He would fuck back Even if you tried to butt fuck him Yeah, I would envelope my butthole on your wiener Envelope? What does that even mean? What does it mean to envelope your butt? Yo, I picked up coke bottles, homie Ew What?

What? Shanks Shanks. Shanks, how do you even... Oh, my God. How do you even do... Why would you pick up a Coke bottle? Oh, man, a lot of free time. Wow.

A lot of free time while you're doing time. So, Kenny, this is your first time on the show, right? I'd remember you. Your eyes are so close together that I would never forget you. It's like Johnny Carson. Yeah, you're almost like a cyclops. Your eyes are less than an inch away from one another, yet you have a normal-sized nose and mouth.

It's very impressive. I've never gotten that before, actually. No one's ever told you that your eyes are close together? Wow. You hang out with a bunch of people that laugh behind your back. Wow. That's what's happening. Oh, man.

One-eyed Kenny over here. So, Kenny, this is your first time here, right? Correct. How long have you been doing stand-up? For a couple years. I stopped for a little bit and then just got back into it. What made you stop? Just had other stuff going on in my life.

Like what? Just jobs. Like what? What kind of jobs? I joined the military, so it's kind of hard. Oh, wow. Thank you.

Wow. Oh, okay. That's why your elbows look like that. Heck yeah. And with your eyes so close together, you must be one hell

of a sniper, huh? I think so. Just fucking... His military code name is Scope. Heck yeah. Guys are horrible. So what branch were you in? Navy.

Did you ever have to fight ISIS? Because ISIS has two eyes that are really close together in it, too. So what branch were you in? Navy. Did you ever have to fight ISIS? Because ISIS has two eyes that are really close together in it, too. Motherfucker. I don't know if that's the right sound effect for that. Say it again. I was trying to get to that ISIS joke. I didn't even hear your answer. You said Navy?

No, I did not, no. Army? No, I'm in the Navy, yeah. Oh, you're in the joke. I didn't even hear your answer. You said Navy? No, I did not. Army? No, I'm in the Navy. I didn't fight ISIS. What did you do in the Navy? I'm actually still in. I just have an undesignated job. So just whatever they need me to do.

When the Navy wants to send up Periscope, do they just lift your head up out of the water? send up Periscope, do they just lift your head up out of the water? There's a ship 2.5 miles ahead. Yo, how many push-ups can you do, dog? Whoa! How many push-ups can you do, Kenny?

Like 10, something like that. Wow, should we have a push-up contest between Shanks and Kenny? Yeah! Wow. should we have a push-up contest between Shanks and Kenny? Yeah! Wow. Here we go. Push-ups are going to be a big deal. Yeah, you got to do it. This is Kill Tony, motherfucker.

Get down on the ground. Anything can happen here. So you guys have to go at the same time, right, so that we can keep it even, Stevens. And whoever wins gets to butt buttfuck the other afterwards. This is very exciting. All right, here we go. You guys can get in your positions.

Here we go. All right. And you can begin. Here we go. Same time. Whoa. Wow, Kenny's only going halfway down. You call that a

push-up, Kenny? Some bullshit-ass push-ups, Kenny. Didn't know we're going halfway down. There you go, Kenny. There you go. This view is making me hard right now. I don't know if you guys are even doing the same amount, but wow.

Joelberg, the prisoner Joel is about to buttfuck Kenny. He loves that. Look at that. Oh, my God. Kenny, you give up. You give up, Kenny. Wow. Kenny giving up, Kenny. Wow. Kenny giving up.

Whoa. Jeremiah is still going. Jeremiah's butt is shaking. Oh, my God. It really is. Jeremiah is breaking down. His body is going to shut down after this. It's pretty exciting.

I watched Jeremiah eat seven pounds of. Kenny just keep putting that ass in the air like. Look's pretty exciting. I watched Jeremiah eat seven pounds of... Can you just keep putting that ass in the air? Look at Jeremiah. He's twerking. He's showing off our dog with a man. Oh my god. Wow. For those of you listening to the podcast, they're now just having

stare downs and going really slowly with one another. Uh oh. It's like Jeremiah can't do it anymore. Oh! Stare downs and going really slowly With one another Come on Shanks Wow Jeremiah really won Oh god Kenny was giving so much Ass Kenny was giving so much ass.

What's happening? Come on, Kenny. You said you were in the Navy. Show us. Hey. All right, all right. That's enough. From navel to anal, fool, all right.

All right. Kenny, how do you... Put your outfit back on. Why, are you getting hot? No, I'm getting disgusted. Your skin is so transparent, I feel like I could see your organs. Well, maybe we can have some darker babies.

Put your clothes on. Your nipples are hard. They look like little puppy dog nipples. Kenny, I'm out of breath now. I've never heard that analogy in my life. Your shit look like puppy nipples. in my life. Your shit look like puppy nipples.

By the way, I gotta say, you were going like halfway down, dog. What was that? It's true. I was fully going down, and I got orangutan arms, dog. It's true. Take it till you make it. You're just cheating.

I'm a cheating ass motherfucker. Kenny, is there any fun facts about you that we might find interesting? Something that makes you different than all the people that have gotten pulled out of the bucket before? He know how to paint a shit. My dad's a beekeeper.

Whoa. Wow, at least someone in your family is creating buzz. Come on. Come on. I've never gotten to make a beekeeper joke before. Jesus. Is he really a beekeeper joke before. Jesus. Is he really a beekeeper?

I guess a hobby, but. Oh, right. Yeah. Well, I mean, I'm not surprised he's a beekeeper. He had you as a baby, and he kept you. So, I mean, that's very impressive. Anyway. Take that, dog.

Yeah. Very good. So, all right, Kenny. What is your goal? What's your goal? Like, what's your ultimate dream in life? What do you want? Just to do what makes me happy, I guess, you know?

And this makes you happy? Yeah. Okay. Absolutely. That's why I came back to doing it, you know, starting back pretty much. We love it. Well, welcome back. We'll do it every day.

If it makes you happy, do it every day. Thank you. You got to do it. You got to apply that Navy work ethic to your stand-up comedy career. None of those half push-ups when you're writing jokes and shit. There he goes, Kenny Bondeson, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. But there he goes, Kenny Bondeson, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, is that, he's going the distance.

Yeah, he's going for speed. All right. You guys having fun out there? Yeah. Woo! Fucking rocks. All right. Pulled another name out.

Make some noise for Sam Jones. Sam Jones. Here he comes from the far side of the room. The lucky section. Sam Jones, Sam Jones, Sam Jones. Sam Jones, Sam Jones, Sam Jones, Sam Jones, Sam Jones. Sam Jones, Sam Jones, Sam Jones, Sam Jones, Sam Jones. Sam Jones. One more time for Sam Jones, Sam Jones, Sam Jones, Sam Jones, Sam Jones, Sam Jones, Sam Jones, Sam Jones, Sam Jones, Sam Jones. One more time for Sam Jones.

So my mom's dead. I'm kind of over it. It doesn't really bother me. I don't care. I say that because it happened two years ago. And ever since then, well, I've just had some time to chill, you know? So since then, the hardest part is watching my family try to get away with dead wife or dead mom cliches. And my sister...

Fuck. Tell the truth, shame the devil. Tell the truth, shame the devil. How much time do we have left? Ten seconds. devil finish it Sam we're gonna let you finish we got to find out what the fuck you're trying to say up here we'll stay here all goddamn night if we have to. My sister named her a daughter after my mom,

after she passed away. She was three at the time. So three years deep, she just fucking fucked her whole mind up. My brother, my gay older brother, he came up on some jeans.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is that it? came up on some jeans. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is that it? Is there more? No, okay. All right. I got a lot of questions for you. Can I say one thing?

Hell yeah. I just want to say one thing. First off, I'm sorry for your loss. Second off, when you came up here and the way you put your hands on your hips i thought oh that must be a trait that he learned from his mama and then if you would have talked about how she did but she you all you inherited was her mannerisms that shit would have been hilarious because you do a lot of feminine things already so it'd have been dope if you'd been like all she left me was her mannerisms you know how hard it me was her mannerisms.

You know how hard it is to inherit mannerisms from a woman? Wow. All right. Look here. Your nipples look like pit bull puppy nipples. All right. That's sexy. Not really.

Shanks, you got something you want to say to this guy? Nah, dog. What's happening? happening looks like you wanted to say something I'm actually good on this one homie Wow so Sam let's just Jump right into it What am I going to say you a pussy and your mom dead I'm not going to say that homie That would be disrespectful

So Sam Let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? First time ever. First time ever, ladies and gentlemen. And look at that. And instead of coming out and doing some hacky joke about Tinder or

some bullshit, you came out guns a-blazin' tackling what's probably one of the harder subjects to try to, clearly one of the harder subjects to try to tackle clearly one of the harder subjects to try to tackle. What made you want to talk about your mom here tonight? Just felt like it'll be a good thing to get off your chest. Therapeutic, maybe. Yeah, yeah, you were very close to your mom, right?

Yeah. Right. And how did she, can we ask how she passed away? She fell. She fell? Dude, yeah. Is that what your dad says? Wow.

This show is out of control. Do you have trouble talking about it? Do you want to talk about it? How did the fall happen? Was it stairs? Dude, she was just standing and she... Red band! Red band!

Red band! Man. That's a classic red band right there. Whoa. She was just standing and she fell? How old was she? She was 45. Did you have a trap door in your house?

Shit, that's young as fuck. A trap door. She was just standing there where in the kitchen? in the living room so her and my dad are divorced so she's living with this other this guy was a nurse actually horrible

not a good one so he's a nurse she's standing in his living room and then what happens? I think she was like on pills or maybe alcohol or something. And she fucking. Okay, that's enough, Brian. Come on.

So then what? Red band. So then what? So then. Stop because I just took some pills and I'm drinking alcohol. Keep talking. She had cerebral hemorrhaging. So her head was fucking filled with blood.

And then I... This is getting really sad. No, no, it's not. Tell the truth. Shame the devil. Tell the truth. Shame the devil. She had a head period?

That's crazy. A head period. Oh, shanks. I don't think head period's a thing. Y'all forgetting I've been in prison a long time. Wow. Tell your story. Tell your story, brother.

Let's hear your testimony. Yeah. Keep going. Tell us more, Sam. So they kept her on life support for a little while for us to say goodbye or whatever. And... How long was she on life support for? I think two days

Wow But she was brain dead Life support So how old are you? 21 Oh you're 19 Shit just got very controversial here Wow did your mom leave you?

I almost fucked you, but then you told the truth. That's how people get locked up, homie. Come on, man. Did your mom leave you her ID or something like that? How the fuck did you get in here? That's incredible. No, I'm 21. So you're 21, and you from L.A., born and raised?

Yeah, Long Beach. Long Beach, LPC. What year were you born? 1997. Yeah. You look like you'd be good at math. What do you do, Sam? I run food at a restaurant, a country club.

Oh, wow. Do you do a lot of bar mitzvahs? No. You ever fall for any of the clients? Oh, come on. Jesus. So, Sam, how long were your mom and dad divorced for?

I think 10 years. You think 10 years? The last part of the joke was supposed to be he changed his Facebook status from it's complicated to widowed. Being divorced for 10 years is pretty complicated. I don't know.

So, wait, so your sister changed her daughter's name to your mama's name after her daughter was already three? It's a lie. Oh, that's a lie? Because it seemed like a piece of bullshit-ass lie.

So, Sam, let me find out. Like, I mean, it's interesting to me the fact that you would talk about this stuff, your very first set. Is stand-up something that you really want to do in life? Is there a reason why you started here? Is this just, have you been trying to get up life? Is there a reason why you started here? Is this just, have you been trying to get up here on this show particularly or something? I think this is my fourth week here. Fourth week signing up.

And I'm still unprepared, yeah. Right. After last week's show, I went to this other open mic in Culver City in a little bar, and I signed up, and I felt too confident there. I felt like I could be funny on that stage.

Oh. That's one of the stages you want to get on? Yeah. But when I come here, I just feel like it's a lot more of a challenge. Yeah. I fucking... Well, there you go. How does it feel?

You're excited, right? Yeah, you're going to be high for a few hours after this and you're gonna be like you know what I fucked up that time but next time I'm gonna get him and you're gonna fuck up the next time too and it's gonna be good but let me tell you this Sam don't be afraid to fuck up you gotta dare to fail that's the key dare to fail

and let me tell you this man 21 is much younger than most people start, and everybody sucks in the beginning, so just keep fucking... He a liar. He's not 21.

Yeah, but... I can smell it. Like... Uh-oh. Welcome to another episode of Smell It with Tiffany Haddish. This motherfucker still plays Xbox games and shit. Like, look at his thumbs, yo. Those video game thumbs.

Well, no matter how old he is... This motherfucker ain't got no real job. He's starting young. I'm getting real smart at his thumbs, yo. Those video game thumbs. Well, no matter how old he is, he's starting young. I'm getting real smart vibes from this guy. You get good grades? You a smart dude? No. Oh, okay, perfect. Well.

No, he's a dumbass. But he's going to make it if he stays focused. I think so. I get a good feeling from you. Like, if you really believe in yourself, that's the key. Believe in yourself. Yeah. Right from the start. Isn't it nice to have a woman

telling you to believe in yourself now that your mom's gone? Yeah. What? I mean, I'm... And guess what? I can be your real mama. Whoa. Oh, shit. I breastfeed you and everything. Heck, yeah. Call me your sugar mama.

And the best part is when it looks like she's falling, she's just starting to break dance. She's going to be fine. You know what I mean? Fuck you. I don't fall, though. Well, Sam, you're starting young. It takes balls to come here.

It takes balls to talk about what you're talking about, and we're rooting for you here at Kill Tony. There he goes. Sam Jones, everybody. You better polish up that fake ID, brother. They're about to tackle his ass any second. Why are you hurting that? You was hurting that boy's soul.

That baby needs some loving. Hell yeah. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at the Comedy Store? I see them walking around, running around, doing things. Always hustling. Excuse me, is that your man? Look at this little... Is this your man?

No, because he's been making eyes at me like he want me in. I'm just checking. Okay. As I'm talking about this amazing staff, look at this. They have a half boy, half marshmallow running food here tonight. Look at this little cutie pie. Wow. That guy looks like Mike and Molly.

All right. Whoa. I just pulled a very special name out of this bucket. Some people have clearly lost their mom. And this is a maternal episode, I feel like, because if I could call someone the mama of Kill Tony, I would call this lady it. She's a legend on this show.

She's been pulled out of the bucket numerous times. She started, you know, that guy's starting early in life. This young lady started not that early in life. She started just a year or two ago here on Kill Tony, and we've watched her actually truly grow and get better time after time. It's an amazing storyline on this show. Make some noise for the legendary Aphrodite. Aphrodite.

Oh, shit. Here she comes. Aphrodite. The queen bee. Aphrodite. Aphrodite. Hey, she's ready. Aphrodite.

What's up, motherfuckers? What's up, youuckers? What's up, you fuckers? Yes. I got a question for y'all. Have y'all ever met somebody breath stinks so motherfucking bad your hair caught on fire talking to them? Damn near. You ever met somebody breath stinks so bad

you thought you was talking to the crack of their asshole instead of their face you know when I was in church years ago the old people they breath stink real bad I guess it's cause they close to death some shit like that little kids breath be stinking too you ever had little kids

you just got started your breath stink already the fuck is going on just got started. Your breath stank already? The fuck is going on here? You ever smell somebody's breath stank so bad you thought you was getting shot up in the drive-by? How many people like to get all close to you? Ugly people and people with stinking ass breath. Why do they always want to get up in your face and talk? How you doing?

Get your motherfucking ass back. Call the fucking ambulance. Goddamn, damn Aphrodite You been hanging out with You been hanging out with people with bad breath lately Aphrodite? Oh man, they surprise you with it You meet somebody and they get close to you How you doing?

Smell like they got skunks hanging in the back of they throat Oh my god, smell like three day old tampon Oh shit How you doing? Smell like they got skunks hanging in the back of their throat, right? Oh, my God. Smell like three-day-old tampon, man. I'm telling you. Oh, shit. Wow. Wow.

Sounds like bacterial vaginosis in the mouth. Yes, yes. I like tootis. Yeah. Yeah, Afro. I mean, it's true. They should be able to brush their teeth. If you can keep all of that ass from smelling,

then they should be able to keep their breath minty fresh. I know how to wash this ass after almost 64 years. I know how to get in the crack of the ass. For those of you listening to the podcast, some people have junk in the trunk. Afro Daddy has a migrant caravan hanging off the bottom of her back. It's beautiful. All the missing children are in my ass.

What do you guys think? That ass looks like a privatized prison, doesn't it? It's real ass, real. You ask me. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Oh, my God. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, she ready.

Unbelievable. She ready. Mirrorball booty. Mirrorball booty. Mirrorball booty. Wow. Mirrorball booty. Mirrorball booty. Wow. Mirrorball booty Mirrorball booty Mirrorball booty Mirrorball booty Mirrorball booty

Mirrorball booty Mirrorball booty Aphrodite booty Mirrorball booty Make you see yourself in that booty Booty booty Damn That'll be on my new album

She ready My god Aphrodite You guys are unbelievable Girl like me has rocked to y'all. That'll be on my new album, She Ready. Let the record show. Album this weekend, this weekend, me and Tiffany. My God, Aphrodite. Mirrorball booty. You guys are unbelievable. Yes. Aphrodite's ass broke Tiffany for a second. That's pretty impressive.

I'm trying to dance for $100 bills. Hey. Whoa, Aphro, come on. That's real booty, girl. That ass has had more black men in it than a Jordan Peele movie. Oh, no, no, no, no. Actually, only 77. That's all.

That's 77, you know. 77? Yeah, I got to get some dick. You know, these motherfuckers, they go to heaven, they get 72 virgins. Fuck you, man, okay? I don't even know what you're talking about right now. You know, they got some of these religions where you get 72 virgins. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We don't even get one dick When we cross over ladies Not one fucking dick Alright I just wanna get my titties sucked Oh me too Whoa P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p- It's been a couple of months, I think, or more. Yeah. Yeah. So I've been working and doing some mics and starting my own shows and stuff. Some of you already know about it.

Yeah. I'm having a great time on my Stupid Central podcast show on YouTube, y'all. There you go. Yeah. Aren't you from St. Louis? Yeah. We were just in St. Louis. Do you know Chingy?

No, I don't. Okay. But I have fun talking to my boy Snoop. Yeah, Snoop is cool. That's my mom. But Shizzle Dizzle's? What's your favorite barbecue in St. Louis? We were just there.

We tried a bunch of different ones. Homemade. Oh, homemade. Yeah. Do you have a place? Yeah, I used to barbecue in the snow and shit with shorts on. All right. Well, then I guess you can't even fathom the question that I'm asking you then.

I don't really know because I don't live there for many years now. Right. We usually barbecued at home. Do you have kids? No, hell no. I don't really know because I don't live there for many years now. We usually barbecue at home. Do you have kids? No, hell no. I don't like men that much. Hell no. I don't want nothing looking like him. So now that you're grown, you're an older woman, no kids, what's

in store? Where are you going to leave your legacy? What are you going to do? I don't give a fuck. I really don't. Fuck these people? I don't give a fuck. I really don't. Fuck these people. Shit. Wow, I love that. My legacy is fuck you motherfuckers, okay?

Hey. And for that, here's $100. Here's $100. Whoa, $100. $100. Because she don't give a fuck. That's right, motherfuckers. One more old bitch tell me I should have a baby,

fuck you, bitch. That's right. Keep your freedom. Keep your freedom, ladies, because when you get pregnant, the men go fuck everybody. Little kids, furniture, all kind of shit. They fuck everything.

I'm trying to get these men pregnant. That's right. Fuck a man. That's right. That's right. I'm ovulating, eh? Aphrodite, how's the guy that you've been with? Oh, my goodness.

The church guy came through and sucked out all the inner parts of me. The church man? Yeah. What you telling me I need to go to church? Church guys fuck the fuck out of you. Okay, wait, wait. You said girls at first. Are you trying to tell us something?

Oh, hell no. I don't like a bitch. Okay, good. Me neither. So what at first. Are you trying to tell us something but I'll tell us? No, I don't like a bitch. Okay, good. Me neither. So what you're saying is the men's at the church. Which church is this? All of them. Dicks are anointed. So all the churches that got men's in them, they will suck.

See, they ain't supposed to fuck. That's the thing. So when they do, they will fuck the lining out of your ass, okay? Okay, I want my ass lining. I want my ass lining. That I want. Pussy lining too, and they will suck too. I need all my linings.

I just want them massaged. Girl, this one got a body by God. Really? Really. Well, I feel like everybody's body is by God until they get a doctor to fuck with it. This is the black God. The Kardashian's body is not by God.

No, he got a body by God. He's got the anaconda dick and the muscles. Oh, now, see, I can't do too much dick. All right, all right. Okay, okay. Oh, my God. I don't want the dick too big. That's what gave you cervical cancer.

I like a big dick, and I cannot lie. This is what I hear in my this is what i hear in my nightmares on those nights at the hotel where like i accidentally leave like women's bt on the television like why was it on to begin with exactly there's no such thing as women's bt first off maybe maybe one day you guys will get your own bt i mean yeah yeah let's do it, Tiff. Let's do it. You know what?

Fuck it. I'm going to make my own network. Yeah. It's going to be the She Ready Network. Whoa. And then on that network, I'm speaking it into existence right now from my mouth to the universe's ears. Wow. That's right.

That's right. And on that network, we're going to teach women how to dominate you men. Hell yeah. Appropriately, where you still feel like you in power, but really we working your ass. I love it. See, this is how I got to this next level. Let me tell y'all what I did.

Aphrodite. Okay, first thing first. First thing you got to do is make everything seem like it's their idea. You damn right. I've been doing that shit for years. Yeah. You are smart.

You know what? So are you. We got this shit. We got this shit. Yo, Tony. You make it seem like it's their idea. Hell yeah. They'll come every time.

You know what? We should probably wrap this up because I feel like. What'd you say, Tony? Shanks. Don't worry, Tony. Don't worry. You'll like it. I don't understand how that was just

the weirdest part of this show. I don't know. That was... You know why? Because you're so motherfucking white. You have no understanding what black women do when they get together. With your white ass. You should watch and learn. I don't know what... Because we plotting on you, motherfucker.

As a matter of fact, this is like some prison yard shit right now. I'm trying to form an alliance here, but you coming at me real hard. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. You ain't trying to form no alliance. You was out here with your titties out and shit. Trying to show out, bitch. Please. I loved it.

Trying to get picked up. Picked up by the police? I like, I'll tell you this. I like Aphrodite and Tiffany's chemistry with one another. I finally get to know what it's like if Tiffany got booked in a Madea movie. We're going to make a movie, too. We're going to make me show these motherfuckers. All right, Aphrodite.

That's enough. There she goes. Aphrodite, everybody. Come on. I'll be talking to you later, Aphrodite. That's enough. Aphrodite, there she goes. She is going to finish this conversation later.

Later. You know what I didn't like about your last statement? What, me? Is that, you know, I wasn't in no Madea movie. I did a Tyler Perry movie. Uh-huh. And I did get a Tesla off of it. No.

What movies have you done that got you a car? Nothing. Nothing. The joke wasn't about you. Don't try to degrade whatever we got going on. Because we making money over here, bitch. You should get in a Madea movie while you bullshit. I was calling her Medea.

Play it again, DJ. That's him. Reb in. Glass, nigga. This place is out of control tonight. You're the epitome of what a nigga is, really, Tony. Let's talk about it. I don't think you heard the joke that I made, by the way. You are angry about nothing right now.

You have no idea what I'm angry about. The joke was that made, by the way. You are angry about nothing right now. You have no idea what I'm angry about. The joke was that That's the problem. That's the problem. You think black women are angry for no reason, but really we got a reason you should ask why. Bacon soda. PH balance dinner, motherfucker.

Okay. Okay. Look at even the inmates look scared. Shut the fuck up. Jesus Christ, Tiffany. I mean, I ain't never been so hard in my life. Hey, man.

Yeah, Shanks, say it. Hey, I just got demoted to bottom bitch in the prison cell. I guess so. I guess so. I will never take thy Lord Medea's name in vain again. I didn't realize the M word is the new N word here on Kill Tony. I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there?

Make some noise for your next comedian, Simon Chivjanovic. Chivjanovic. Vajanovic? Simon Javanovic? I think Ianovic. What the fuck? Simon Jovanovic. I think I see him. Here we go. Simon. Simon.

Simon. Simon. Simon. Simon. One more time for Simon, everybody. Svijanovic. Svijanovic. Svijanovic. That's his last name.

That's not a joke. How about one more time for Simon? Let's restart the clock on him. So I hate when people come over to my apartment and put their coffee down on my cocaine table. Have you ever gone out for oysters? Anyone go out for oysters? Everyone at the table goes, oh, it's amazing.

I can taste the ocean. It's a fucking stupid way to spend your money. Why would you do that? Here's a CT joke for you. My wife and I, we use handcuffs in bed so I don't punch her in the face while I'm sleeping. And one more If If Donald Trump

And Kim Jong Il If Donald got Kim Jong Il to have a mano y mano Golf tournament with him He'd have my vote in 2020 hands down I'd vote for Kim If he did that There you go. Simon Sajanovic?

Sajanovic? Svijanovic. Svijanovic. And you think anyone's ever going to say that properly for the rest of your life? You should just go by Andy Samberg on steroids. That's what you should do. People will remember it. Sianovic.

Is that Italian or Greek? Hell no. Croatian. I fuck one of those before. What's Croatian, people? What are you guys known for? Asians, they'll be like, No, I don't think it's Croatian.

It's Croatian. Croatian. I thought that was it's Cro-Asian. It's Croatian. Croatian. I thought that was like Asian and white mixed together. Like, right! I mean, every name describes the race. What are Croatian people known for? Cro! You got nothing.

Nothing at all. Communism? I don't know. All right. So, Simon, how long have you been doing stand-up? He got his hand high up on his not hip. Are you a little teapot? What is that? Are you a little teapot?

He's a big teapot, man. He's a big teapot. I'm a big teapot. You're a good stuff. You a water pitcher? When I dip, you dip, we dip. Simon, how long have you been doing stand-up?

This is my first time. Wow, first time. The goat of the first time activated. How old are you, Simon? 26. What do you do for a living? He got a wife. No, let him answer.

I'm an artist and I'm preparing a show, but I don't have a living yet. No, we didn't say what's your pickup line. And you got a wife? I have a wife, yeah. You do? And what does she do? She has a job, and she...

So you living off your wife? I got a settlement a while back. I was the first college athlete. So you saw Larry H. Parker commercial. What did you get a settlement for? I was the first college athlete to get paid for injuries. Wow. Look at that.

Shanks. Yeah. Anybody ever tell you you got books on tape voice? So what was the what was the what was the school? What was the injury? So I had a bunch of injuries, but it was because of the whole

coaching dynamic and the whole team dynamic, everything with the doctors, the athletic director saying things publicly. Sure. Okay. What was the school? What was the injury? The University of Illinois. Wow. Heck yeah. Yeah, me too. I'm not impressed.

And you played football there? Yes. Yeah. Were any of those injuries occur playing against the Ohio State Buckeyes? Yeah. Hurts playing Big Ten fucking football, doesn't it, my little friend? No, I'm kidding. I was the kicker for a year.

Just kidding again. So what position were you on the Illinois football team? Left tackle. And the last game I played was against Ohio State. It was. They fucking took you out on a stretcher, didn't they? Fucking Hurts. What year was that? played was against Ohio State. It was. They fucking took you out on a stretcher, didn't they? Fucking hurts. What year was that?

2014? 2014. That's a good team. That's a good Buckeye team. He could have said any year. He played against Joey Bosa? And he was on the other side of you? You had to go against him? No, they wouldn't put him against me. The other side was really bad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck that other side. Isn't it crazy how men can bond over sports no matter what? No, it's interesting. No matter where, no matter how, no matter why. Even if they're opposing teams, they still bond over that bullshit. It's bullshit! Okay, Tiffany.

It's not real. Bond over something else, motherfucker. If it doesn't work the first time, just repeat it louder two more times, and then I'll get it. Illinois is one of those teams that has to play Ohio State every year, and we smash them,

so that's why I'm asking. I smashed them, too, but don't nobody talk about that. So, Simon, why won't you... So all your money came from the settlement? That you're pretty much still surviving off that? Or what? I did well with Bitcoin.

He's surviving off his wife. How are you doing well with Bitcoin? Aren't they like $4 right now or something like that? For people who kept it, yes. Oh, so you sold it right before. I want to know why you got married. That's a good question. She was with me through all that falling out with the team.

It was very public on Twitter. I was on HBO Real Sports. Oh, wow. Yeah. So she thought she was going to get something off of this? Can you give us the cliff notes? I want to know the truth. Tell the truth, Shane.

She's always had a great job. Can you give us the cliff notes of your Real Sports episode? What was the two or three liner of the story, Simon? If you could describe the fucking shit that happened to you in college right now. Let's say there was a fucking sold-out crowd on the other side of you, and people wanted to know the short version of your story. What would it sound like? It's a manipulation of everything that men have going for them.

I don't know. You don't know. You don't fucking know, Simon. What's happening right now? The settlement was a quarter million. Quarter million. All right. There you go.

That's it. Way to stretch it out. That's like two Tesla's. That's good. Yeah. That's pretty fucking good. The coach I got fired got the same amount. Wow.

Except you got stuck with the concussions and he didn't. Correct. This is the saddest part of this episode. This is the part where he's talking about the handcuffing. Because he basically wakes up like probably you have night terrors. Me too. But my shit ain't from football. Sweats.

My shit from these streets. So that's what I don't even sleep in a handcuff situation. I use weighted blankets. Hold me down. I sleep in handcuffs. That's why I don't have no man. Jesus. Oh, wow.

Sorry for the podcast listeners. There you go. A little mic drop from Tiffany. You say your wife's very successful. What does she do? You don't want to answer that? Does she work at Spearmint Rhino? What is it, Simon?

She works for a tech company, but she also does stand-up. She's really funny, too. She actually did a show of flappers really well. It's Ali Wong. She's the best. He's been a show of flappers really well. It's Ali Wong.

She's the best. Alright, Simon. Your first time was here on Kill Tony. Congrats to you. You popped your cherry. We'll see you again next time. There he goes. Simon Sajanovic. His hands is wet.

His hands was so wet. It was? Oh, my God. You know what they say about men with wet hands. All right. You know what? We have a regular on this show, and every single week he performs a brand new minute. He doesn't get pulled out of the bucket.

He's the current regular. Very, very funny man. Everybody loves him. Everybody knows him. Make some noise for the great and powerful William Montgomery, everyone. I'm crazy for feeling. Oh, no, no, no. Shout out to Malcolm Hatchet, former regular in the back of the room right now.

There he is back there. Oh, yeah. Come on, one more time for William, everyone. Make some noise. So I was recently diagnosed with a disease called turtle dysmorphia. I knew I had it when I was in the bathroom and I saw my reflection and it was just a turtle's head. Who all we got

vote for Mike Huckabee! So when you get home, just breathe into a paper sack and drink a glass of Tang. That is the doctor that gives really bad advice. But seriously, after the joke battle last week that I lost, I got really drunk, I ate some mushrooms, I got in my car, and I slammed into a bunch of people and hurt my neck really drunk. I ate some mushrooms. I got in my car and I slammed into a bunch of people and hurt my neck

really bad. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. I mean, I just fall in love with you more and more every single fucking week. And somehow every week you age three years. I don't know what exactly is happening. You're turning into your grandfather, William.

You did it again. Another very funny minute. I love your impression first, explanation later. One of my favorite things in comedy, you and Steve Lee at a fucking Mexican standoff here last week. I know. That really, really killed me when the audience was clapping way louder for him. When he told that joke, I knew I was done for.

Yeah, so did I. You should have worn the neck brace last week, fool. Disabled against disabled. Who said that? I said that. That was me right here, William. Wow. So, William, you got the neck brace on.

We love that here. We love the neck brace. It comes out every once in a while. It's one of our favorite things. How long have you been wearing that today? It's been five days I've been wearing it. I was in Bethesda, Maryland five

days ago at their mall. They have a really nice mall. I decided to run down the escalator. I ended up tripping towards the top. I took a really bad spill. I ended up landing on my arm and my neck at the top. I took a really bad spill. I ended up landing on my arm and my neck at the bottom.

And then you put that on. What? You had that with you? You took it with you to Bethesda? I did. I'm a big klutz. I was worried something like that might happen. Weirdly enough, it did. To think that you survived that yet that one kid's mom died from a fall is just incredible.

You know what I mean? I notice you've been wearing shorts a lot lately and flip-flops. Is that something that you've always done your whole life? Are you one of those guys that when it's 20 degrees, that's wearing the shorts? One of those guys that like when it's 20 degrees that's you know wearing the shorts one of those guys and let me also throw in the fact that freckles to blend so he could be a black man on the cover and I

am a I am a staunch old school believer in no shorts and no flip flops on the stage and you and I've seen you know thousands of comedians try it and every time I think to myself that's a huge mistake. But again, William, there's something about you.

I think you can pull the fucking shit off. You literally look like an angry single father that has custody of the kids for the weekend. He doesn't really want the kids, but he's taking them. These are my kids! Yeah, hold on. Where in the fuck is Larry? Who's Larry? Just my child.

Just if he were to go in the house. Hold on. Where the fuck is Larry? He's my kid! Where the fuck is he? Keep going, William. Keep going. Come on. I've been looking for him for two weeks!

I can't find him! You see how much he turns his head while wearing the neck brace? It's incredible. That shit is some bullshit. Has your troll backed off of you lately? Any updates on your troll? Yeah, what was that guy's name? Don't repeat this.

I have a distant cousin, really good at physics, really good at bomb making. And I was able to find out where Franklin Dracula lived. Really weird name. His name was Franklin Dracula. But yeah, I found out where Franklin lived, and my relative sent him a pipe bomb. Sadly enough

his kid went to the mailbox first. I'm kidding I just saw butterfly effect. I messed that up. What the fuck was that? That's a good movie dog. I'm sorry. This is really bothering me because I've been trying to watch TV lately.

And I've been watching this Lemony Slicket series of unfortunate events. And I feel like you a knockoff redhead version of Neil Patrick Harris' character. I feel like you still foster kids. Where the fuck is Larry? Just walking into the foster home. Any updates on the storage unit? You work at a storage unit. He don't have no ass.

It's just all straight back. He pushes it into his stomach. He might be a conehead, y'all. He might not have no ass crack. I'm actually a swimmer. That's why I have such a tight body right now. But your whole back, it's not even an indentation

in your back. Like, you don't have no ass at all. It really is flat. Why don't you show the audience? Why don't you pull a little reverse Aphrodite and show the audience the... I feel like...

No ifs, ands, or buts there, William. I feel like you got a stomach just to balance out. That you have no ass. That's actually where his butt is. Those are his butt cheeks right there. He shits out his belly button. I knew he was an alien. I'm sorry, I'm tipsy. William, you know I'm a huge fan of you.

I've loved you ever since you were the bad guy in Billy Madison. Do he have a nose job? Yeah, I did. You got your nose did. Have you had a nose? It's so little. I never seen

no nose that little except for Yeah, me neither. Jeremiah. Shanks. I feel like you can't breathe. Do you have trouble breathing? Does the sleep apnea match the drapes? Does the mask?

I do. I realize I have to sleep on my stomach. If I sleep on my back, I quit breathing throughout the night. I wear goggles. They start fogging up. I start perspiring a bunch when I can tell I'm not breathing. Man, it turns into a big ordeal.

You're like the perfect cellmate, dude. All right, William. Well, you did it again. You knocked out another killer minute. Tiffany? I'm proud of you, William. I look forward to working with you one day and asking you more questions about your hair.

Yeah. I'm going to ask you a lot of personal questions that you're not going to want to answer. Only at the Comedy Store. I don't want to touch it. I want to grow it. You go to 4hims.com slash kill Tony. Yeah, I mean, I'm going bald.

It is a... But I can save you from that. Baby don't go bald? Remember that? Yeah, with the monostat, mix that together. Oh, yeah. But I just want to sit on this head. I feel like if I put my pussy on this scalp...

Oh, heck yeah. Oh, my God. If I do a snail trail on the top of your head, I feel like it'll grow back. I have a receding hairline, too, just so you know. Your hairline just needs some nutrients. William, would you ever let that happen? Would you let Tiffany sit on your head,

or as we call it, breakfast at Tiffany's? You see, you're looking. Just at the Motel 8, remember we met there on Craigslist? I never met you at nobody's motel. Let's keep it 100. I met you in the back of the Geo Metro. Hey. You're not worth a motel.

I'm ready for breakfast, lunch, and dinner at Tiffany's. How about that? All right. Hell no, Red Band. Okay. I'm ready for breakfast, lunch, and dinner at Tiffany's. How about that? All right. Hell no, Red Band. Okay. I love, I love, wait, can I just say, I love William and Tiffany's chemistry.

Only at the Comedy Store do you see this much black and red getting along. Black and red, black and red. You can't sing it all together. There he goes, William Montgomery, everybody. Peer, peer, peer, peer. You want to go up back there, MH? Want to do something? Ladies and gentlemen, making his return.

It's been a long time. You know him, you love him. It's Malcolm Hatchett! You know him, you love him It's Malcolm Hatchet The former regular of Kill Tony Turned superstar Come on, make some noise people What are we doing?

It's Malcolm Hatchet I feel like this is my first time When I was really nervous I hope y'all didn't think I was going to say something funny. Nah, I miss it. It's nice. It's real cool. Damn, it's crazy.

Because as soon as I walked back there, I don't know, Tony's psychic or some shit. Because he's... I was like, this nigga see me. I wear glasses so I can see him. I was just in D.C. I was doing shows in D.C. But my hotel was in Virginia. And the weed... They got the nigga out of D.C. I was doing shows in D.C. But my hotel was in Virginia And the weed

They got the nigga out of D.C. And the weed is legal in D.C. But I went to Virginia Because the hotel was real nice And my brother got weed and shit from D.C. And they smoked it in the Virginia hotel And they threw me out It was really nice

They said we're going to fine you $250 Or you leave I'm not even getting paid $250 for the show I'm out of here And they threw me out, yeah. They said, we're going to fine you $250 or you leave. I was like, I'm not even getting paid $250 for the show, nigga. I'm out of here. You just driven. And they threw me out. A lot of smoke. And it's legal in D.C., but my cousins and brothers, they smoking this shit the wrong way.

Like, my cousin was driving in front of all these Republicans and shit. White people with good hair. And he had all these blunts in his ear and he was smoking and driving. I was like, it's legal, bro, but I don't think you can smoke like that. You're like a chimney or some shit, motherfucker. Somebody get some water. Oh, I remember that thing. You can keep going. If you want, you can keep going.

Oh, no, I didn't have nothing to say. Malcolm Hatchet, everybody! Malcolm, we miss you! Malcolm Hatchet! I miss you. Malcolm Hatchet. I missed you, Malcolm. He's back, everybody. How you doing, man? Representing the Death Squad

with the hat still. I love your Make America Great Again. They gave you a hat. They never gave me a hat and I helped launch this motherfucker. What the fuck?

I've given you a hat. You ain't never gave me no motherfucking hat. I have every hat that I ever been given and it's no Death Squad hat but I do got a t-shirt that I wear given you hats. You ain't never gave me no motherfucking hat. I have every hat that I've ever been given. And it's no Death Squad hat, but I do got a t-shirt. Yeah, okay. That I wear with no panties. Keep going.

I ain't give no t-shirt. Dana, give me no t-shirt. You give her a t-shirt. Jesus Christ. My goodness. So Malcolm, how's life been? It's been a long time since we've seen you. Yeah, man. It's crazy. Oh, it's good. I'll be chilling and shit. It's so good to see you talking finally. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah.'ll be chilling and shit. It's so good to see you talking finally.

Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, you had your jaw wired for a while. I got to get my wisdom teeth out now. My mouth's fucked up. You feel me? Damn, can someone help that poor lady in the back of the room that clearly needs her teeth pulled ASAP? Somebody just put their hand in her foot.

Be careful. Haven't y'all seen the documentary that was on Netflix? The John Cena documentary? No, the one about teeth. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucked up. That's not about wisdom teeth. That's about, what do you call it?

Cavities and root canals. Root canals, yeah. Yeah. And how they all connected to breast cancer. Yeah. That's why I got all the teeth in the back of my mouth pulled out. Hell yeah. So I'm a beast at the back.

Wow. Damn. Holy shit. I need a permission slip for this shit. Damn. So yeah, you had your teeth wired shut for like seven weeks. You released a special that's on iTunes right now with your mouth wired shut. It was really cheap.

I just did, like, mics and shows and shit. And I wanted to do, like, a real shit. We know I be fucking money up. So I was like, I'm going to just do this shit. People always asking. And I was like, yo, if I die, I got to have something else. So I just dropped it. Wait a minute.

So that's how you lost the weight? Should I get my jaw wired? Oh, yeah. Yeah, a lot of my fat fans are trying to get their jaw wired. Oh, yeah, yeah. I got really, really skinny just drinking liquids and shit. Yeah, a lot of my fat fans are trying to get it done with wire. Oh, yeah, yeah. I got really, really skinny just drinking liquors and shit. Yeah. I'll try, but then these dudes, they never mind.

Malcolm, anything else going on in your personal life that's crazy or that we would find interesting? Any updates on anything? What's your living situation? Still in the car? Yeah, I still be in that shit, and I do what's crazy. It's nice living in the car, though. I was going to say.

Stay mobile, baby. Stay mobile. Nobody hold you down. They can never find you. They got to find you. They got to track your shit. They can find me. They going to find me.

They be telling me. I'm about to be in my Tesla. It really is. The mobile Tesla living. The three of us all lived in our car at one point. Malcolm still does. It really is. And people, I feel like people really don't believe it.

My best sleep is in the car still to this day. Like sometimes I'll be in my driveway, sleep as fuck. My neighbor's like, oh my God, are you okay? And I'm like, get your ass away from my car, bitch. And I pull the gun out. They're like, oh shit. That's so crazy. I told my friend, I said And I pulled the gun out. They're like, oh, shit. That's so crazy. I told my friend, I said, if I ever make it really, really big,

I want to sleep in a nice car in front of my house. That's right. That's what the fuck I do. I don't even do it in front of my house. I do it next to the house. In someone else's driveway. No, my driveway is next to my house. It's not in front of it.

The car drives itself. I'm still in a hood. Heck, yeah. Because when you reach your driveway in front of the. The car drives itself. I'm still in the hood. Heck yeah. Because when you reach your driveway in front of the house. Malcolm is... When you middle class is next to the house. Anything

else you want to plug, Malcolm? What's the name of your album on iTunes? Oh, it's called Wire Talk. Wire Talk. So there you go. He's back. Malcolm is the ex-regular. With those glasses on, though, I guess you's back. Malcolm is the ex-regular. With those glasses on, though, I guess you could say you're the Malcolm ex-regular.

I look like Arthur. Arthur? Yeah. Arthur. The little Arthur. Arthur Ashe? No, no. The cartoon, man.

Come on. DW? Come on, dog. Forget about it. Come on with the elephant. Does that have an elephant in it? He's an aardvark, you idiot. Wow. A lot of weird names

being called to me from Shanks over there tonight. Yeah, man, watch yourself with that altar talk. Jesus. All right. Well, Malcolm,

thanks so much for popping in. Great seeing you, buddy. It's a brand new minute from one of our favorite alumni, the great Malcolm Hatchet. Yeah, buddy. Red Band. You know, I've been investing in myself

lately. I just texted you my song. It's not mixed yet, but it's a song that I had made it. I texted it to you. You got it? That's my jam. This is a song I made. But the first 32 This is a song I made.

But the first 32 seconds is just this. Wow. This get you in. Yeah. Hit the ground. Rock it out. Somebody better call the cops here. It's a 911. You You gon' need a what?

Better get it on I'm about to blow up And I'm out Wow I got a folder full of evidence, yeah Tiffany, if you ever need a live drummer We spend the shit dead presidents, yeah My goodness

One flick with me, he relevant, yeah I'ma let the whip talk for me I'ma say let's turn up Let the pick a phone up Bad presidents, yeah. My goodness. One flick with me, he relevant, yeah. I'ma let the whip talk for me. I'ma say let's turn up. Let the pick a phone up. You know, you know. Okay, stop. Because that drum wasn't ready for me.

My goodness. Yeah. I didn't hear what I was saying. It was the drum. I want to share everything with y'all, but y'all not ready for everything I just shared. No, we are. We are ready. That's great. I just feel like Beer Gang right here in the front is ready.

Looking like an old Spice commercial. I just want to take you to 1989 real fast. This is the thing you're going to be doing? You're going to be making some more music coming up, you think? Well, I'm making, I already made like four songs, but all my songs, this is what I want to do. I'm going to tell just y'all, don't tell nobody, okay? I'm making all music to go in every single movie,

TV show, commercial I'm doing. And then I'm going to do like, I'm going to collaborate with like certain people like Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon, just basically talk show people because they got a lot of followers and we're going to make songs too. And then me and Card Fallon. Just basically talk show people because they got a lot of followers and we gonna make songs too. And then me and Cardi B

gonna make a song. Nobody has better fans than Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel. You're right, yeah. Those are real numbers. Those aren't network bot trolls at all, Tiffany. No, they got the old people numbers. I need old money, nigga.

I guess so. I guess so. Tiffany, if you have any drama. That's why I just said nigga four times on this program. Because I know old people don't like it more than four times. Wow. I did my research. I'm very smart.

I just play stupid. When I go on my tour, my musical tour, I'll take you guys to open up for me. Yeah. No, we will. Absolutely. I'll be your I'll be Cardi T. I'm gonna need you to do a little bit more than just tell jokes.

Alright, that's fine. I can fucking rap. I want to test this so bad. I will play drums for you anytime, Tiffany. You'll be my drummer? Can we see if he can keep up with this beat?

Play it again. Let's see if he can keep up with this beat? Uh-oh. Play it again. Play it again. Let's see if he can keep up. Here we go. Let's see what happens. Play the song. We are live.

It's not mixing. It's not mixing. Uh-oh. It's going down. Drop it. Come on, drums. Come on, drums. Come on, drums. Drop it low.

Hit the ground. Turn around. Walk it out. Drop it low Hit the ground Turn around Walk it out Drop it low Hit the ground Turn around Walk it out Okay, we getting the saxophone in it Oh, look at these men wanting a job.

Wow. Well, looks like I got my band. I love it. Let me let my lawyer know. Heck yeah. Hey, Gordon Bob. I can't wait to have a tiff show. I want to hire these inmates.

Hey. I think you found a band. What do you think, Tiff? Should we go back to the bucket one more time? What do you guys think, huh? All right. I could listen to your instrumental rap song forever, but I think we should check out this one more name out of the bucket.

All right. It's a one-word more name out of the bucket. All right. I pulled it. It's a one-word name. Here goes the thing. When that song is the number one on the charts, and everybody's going to be like, oh, shit, she the Beyonce of comedy. Yeah.

You're going to be begging me to come back to this motherfucker, and I'm going to be like, who's eating my ass? You're right. Absolutely. It's going to be Shanks. Yep. Ah, ah, you married. Sit your married ass down.

I'm not. Double stuff. Shanks is married to the game, dog. Yeah. No. Shanks will eat ass. He's used to prison food. He'll eat ass. All right.

I pulled a name out of the bucket. Your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Looch. Looch. L-U-C-C. Looch. Looch. Looch. Looch. Looch. Looks just like a Looch. Looch. Looch. Looch. Looch. Looch.

Looch. Looch. Give it. Looch. Looch. Looch. Looch. Looch. Here it is. One more time for Looch, Looch Give it Looch, Looch Looch, Looch Here it is. One more time for Looch, everybody. Thank you, guys. Whoa. Never been here before, and I am new to this. So I went on an audition the other day

because I'm brand new to town, and I know two people. One of them is named Matt, and the other day, because I'm brand new to town, and I know two people. One of them is named Matt, and the other one is named Brax, and I went on this audition, and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, because I'm not an actor at all, but they're like, yo, you need to say yes to everything, so just take it, just whatever comes to you. All right, cool, so like I get into the room, and she's like, you're auditioning for this disease, and you're going to be at the top of the rock, and your wife is going to be climbing, and she gets to the top of the rock and your wife is going to be climbing and she gets to the top of the rock and when she gets there you have to congratulate her like yes she made it you ready I was like yeah yeah okay okay go action I was like

baby you made it like I don't know what I'm doing this is all new to me and I'm very scared and if you've ever been out here you've've been on an audition before, it's fucking scary. So when you get out of there, they don't tell you how you did. They're just like, see ya. I called my buddies and they're like, you've been pranked, motherfucker. That was my roommate calling you. You didn't even have an audition at all.

Wow, there you go. Gasps from the audience. True story. That felt like bad sex. Yeah. Step away from the talent. Okay, Looch. So let's talk about it. That's your first time

doing stand-up or right around. You've just been doing it a short while. Third time. Third time ever. You're 37 years old. 36. 36. And you're a waiter at, or a bartender at a restaurant. Am I correct? I'm a wedding DJ.

Wedding DJ. Fucking close. What the fuck? Look. Okay. Real shit. You supposed to bring full energy. Look, I used to work for Enterprise Entertainment 110%.

She ready. I was an energy producer. Did weddings, executive parties, bar mitzvahs, all this shit. You supposed to bring energy to the stage. You know better. I feel like I scared you all. No, you didn't scare me. You disappointed me.

No, you were scared. You were scared, Looch. You came up. You said, I'm scared. I'm new at this. I'm new at this. I'm new at this. I did audition.

I'm new at that. I'm new at this. I'm new at this. I did audition, I'm new at that, I'm new at this. I got scared in the audition, I'm scared right now. This isn't going good. Virgin, you dead. It's like a virgin with stinky pussy. A virgin with what? I don't know. I just assume if you a virgin and your pussy's stinking, nobody wants it.

Oh, my God. That's actually a perfect analogy you are a virgin with a stinky pussy luch so my my my cousin matt is actually here and he said my stand-up is like watching porn but right before the guy's about to come on her face it just cuts out right right right your cousins as funny as you are not at all so l, let's talk about it. You're 36. You don't look a day over 52. Thank you. What made you want to start standing? All that hair coming out the back of your shirt is fucking with my spirit.

It really is. Not on his head, but a lot coming out the back of the shirt. This is shit you should talk about, because I want to shave that and make bangs. He does have a lot of hair on the back of his neck, or as Shanks calls it, a love handle. I haven't heard of Shanks. So, Looch, let's talk about your real life. I'll ask you some questions. You answer honestly.

All right. What the fuck? You're a wedding DJ. You're 36. How did we get here? What's the deal with you? What do you do? And have you ever been married?

No. No. I just, man, I feel alive when I'm on stage. You look like you sing for the band live. That's a deep cut. You Lightning Crashes fans out there. Dolphins Cry. Anyone?

Can we hear your wedding DJ voice? Ladies and gentlemen. Can you give us an example of if you were DJing this wedding, what would you say? Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the bride and groom, the newlyweds. They are James and Jamie. Wow.

There you go. Can I show you what I would do? Yeah. Can I see it? Let's see it, Tiffany. I need some help. Yeah. James and Jamie, right?

Ladies and gentlemen, we've been waiting all this time. We've been having cocktails, talking to each other, getting to know who each other is. But guess what? Why are we really here? Why are we here? For the bride and the groom, please make a whole lot of noise. I want to hear you make a whole lot of noise for James and Jamie. Oh, she worked out for this. Look at Jamie.

She ready. She ready. She ready. She ready. Go James. Go James. She ready. She ready. She ready. Go, James. Go, James. Go, James. Go, James. She ready. She ready. She ready.

She ready. Come on, Grandpa. Get your ass on the floor. Get your ass on the floor. Come on, Grandma. Get your ass on the floor. Get your ass on the floor. Come on, Grandpa.

Get your ass on the floor. Get your ass on the floor. That is the your ass on the floor Get your ass on the floor That is the whitest thing I've ever seen in my life Is his dancing And this is why they paid me $2500 A fucking party Wow look at that That's incredible

Not no more than that was $250,000 But at that time Can you get a Groupon for that Fuck you yeah you could Actually I went get a Groupon for that? Yeah. Fuck you. Yeah, you could. Actually, I went on a Groupon the other day, parasailing. That was fucking amazing. Oh, yeah.

Groupon's the great. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Back to you. Looch. No, no. Keep it on you. This is great.

Looch. No, no. Back to you. Looch. Because we got to make you the best. Looch over here. So tell us fun facts about your life, things we would find interesting about you. Give us something to work with here.

Prennally single, beatbox, and hum at the same time. Can you give us an example of some of your beatbox and humming? No, we wouldn't need music for beatboxing, Brian. He would just do it into a microphone. Go ahead. Go ahead, Looch. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Wow, I think I spent years to learn how to play drums. I could have just... She was more like a Dairy Queen. With my mouth. Wow. That sounded like a... I would like if he did it again. Wait, what?

I want him to do it again, but I want to just actually listen this time. Yeah, just go. Do it. Do it. She was more like a Dairy Queen in a movie scene. When I come into the room, you take all your clothes off to see.

That I'm the bad bitch you ever been. This sounds like all the noises that would come out of Michael Jackson's bedroom back in the day. I'm pretty sure he used to beat their boxes, too, or eat them or something. Eat box, beat box. I'm sorry. I watched that shit shit and I think it's fake. Really? I do too. Did you watch the second part? The reason I think it's fake is because I also did

background research because I've dated a lot of... You know what? Never mind. Kids? No. I've never dated any kids. I'm a grown ass woman that needs her bills paid. I've never dated any kids. Look, I'm a grown-ass woman that needs her bills paid. I've never dated never, never, never, never child.

But I have dated lawyers and judges, and I've read things, and I've seen things. And sometimes people lie on you to get money from you, i.e., my first and second marriage. Wow, that's incredible. You got one applause from one of the Apollo 13 members out there. Not only do you two believe in... No, everybody don't know my story, but this don't have shit to do with your shit. It's okay, I'm digging it.

I'm proud of you. It's better than what I'm doing up here. Yeah, it is. So at the end of the day... Yeah, for sure. Absolutely. Sometimes people say things about you and if you can't defend yourself,

this is the best time to get to. Do you still think OJ was innocent too? I never said he was innocent. You never heard me say that. All right, good. I know, I know. Anyway, so at the end of the day, you know,

people can only lie so much and they can tell the truth so much. But when all the facts line up, you've got to do full research. And sometimes things are heavily weighted against you and they don't do both sides. They only do one side of the story. It's like your homegirl be like, bitch, I'm telling you he's this, he that, he that. And then when you finally look at the, when you, like, you stop being her friend, then four years later you run in and he tell you the other side, you be like, oh, shit.

Every female in here know what the fuck I'm talking about. Because you only hear one side of the story for so long, and then you hear the other side of the story, and then you put two and two together. Like, it makes sense. Yo, have you seen that documentary, though? Yep, yep. But you know what? Yeah, I did see.

I finally sat down and watched it, but you know what? Also, like, if you, you're not from where I'm from, so I can't even say shit else. I'm not, I'm gonna just shut up. No, I'm gonna just shut up.

The defense rests, please. No, because you can paint any kind of picture you want to paint. You have to really look at all the facts. Look at every single fact. Really do your fucking research. Do your fucking research, because people can sell you a movie. I can make a movie about anything. I can make a movie about Tiffany Haddish and make you think Tiffany Haddish had the best fucking life ever of all time you'd be like

Tiffany made it cuz she had the best life ever but if you read my book like you would be like oh I know what kind of life she really has so like really pay attention to cuz they you know let me ask you this I'm just oh I can't even explain to y'all only the black people know what the fuck I'm talking about. And the Mexicans. The blacks and the Mexicans. We the only ones that know. No, but real shit.

Real shit. No, neither one. Real shit. Sorry, sir. I did this. I'm sorry. Fuck your story, sir. Real up.

My story. R. Kelly is innocent. Hey, no. No. No. No. Hey, no. No. No. No. I said it right here. Shay said it right here.

R. Kelly innocent. No. No. Did nobody say shit about R. Kelly? R. Kelly innocent. Did nobody say shit about? No. I did not say nothing about manipulating young people's minds. I never said nothing about that.

I don't see nothing wrong. Nope. That motherfucker all right. He fucked all our minds. He fucked the little girls and us. Fuck. There goes Looch. Looch, you're done.

One more time for Looch, everybodyooch, you're done. One more time for Looch, everybody. Tiffany, Tiffany. Tiffany. Come here, come here. How about one more time for the great and powerful Tiffany Haddish, ladies and gentlemen. Tiffany has some new stuff coming up. There are certain things I'll stand for and certain things I will not.

Okay, you know what? You convinced us. Michael Jackson never did a goddamn thing to anybody. I never said. Sweet Life of Pets is out June 7th. It's Secret Life of Pets. Secret Life of Pets. Tuca and Birdie on it in May on Netflix.

How loud can this place get for the great Tiffany Haddish, huh? We love her. That's your drawing. That's the best picture he's ever drawn of me. Yeah, that's a good one of you, Tiffany. That's the best one he's ever done. He's got that little beauty mark and everything. Yeah, the other one he did, I was like, who the fuck is this bitch?

How about another hand for the great and powerful Shanks Jeremiah Watkins everybody is here. Jeremiah Watkins, everybody? Shanks Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah's got a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders Out. What's going on? Yeah, new episode of Jeremiah Wonders Out with Tim Dillon. Get that Feminist Stacy shirt only this week available on presale.

Yeah, Jeremiah. Then they go away. So go to JeremiahWatkins.com. Follow on social media. But Jeremiah. Jeremiah, stand up. And come to JeremiahWatkins.com. Follow on social media. But Jeremiah. Stand up. And come to stand up on the spot tomorrow. Jeff Ross, Brendan Sharp, and more.

Come on, motion capture. Come on, man. Yes. Eric Griffin. But Jeremiah. Surprise guest. You going to tell them about what we did together? Oh, we shot a pilot that never came out a long time ago. I know.

But you was Roscoe. Yeah, I played a mentally disabled boyfriend of Tiffany. And for whatever reason, her people didn't want it coming out. Wow. Chroma Chris was here tonight. Silent but deadly. Chroma, what did you think about tonight's episode? Another breakout performance, Tony.

Good job. Wow, thank you. Good job. Wow, thank you. All right. Okay, how about another hand for Joel Berg, everybody? Joel Jimenez. Hey! Hey, doesn't someone usually challenge him for his job?

If there's someone that knows how to drum that gets pulled out of the bucket. Can I challenge? You want to challenge? You want to challenge? You want to have a Mexican drum on? No, I ain't coming here every week. Fuck that. I would take your job, though. Probably.

I've been practicing. Joel's on social media mostly. Sorry. Anything else, Joel? Yeah, shout out to Ludwig Drums, Caveman Coffee, Tay Fletcher, Speedweed, Luca Clothing, Addicted to Chaos. They went to Jared's on the Volley Apparel. I'm so sponsored. He's sponsored by Ludwig. Look at that drum. That's a real deal. They put him up. He's up there with

rock stars. Can we freestyle our way out of here? Is that what you want to do? I came here because that's what I wanted to do. That's why you came here? So you could freestyle with me? I want to give a shout out to Sean Evans of Hot Ones. Check out Tiffany there. Phoenix, Las Vegas,

Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, New York, La Jolla, and West Nyack this Thursday. Four stand-up shows this Friday and Saturday with me, Red Band, and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. And maybe, just maybe, we're

going to have a secret surprise guest up there in West Nyack for you die-hard fans. You're in for a special motherfucking treat. So how about one last time for the great Tiffany Haddish, everybody? Come on. I want to freestyle out of you. All right.

Tiffany's going to freestyle our way out of this episode. Here we go. Tiffany Haddish. Uh-oh. Had a really good time tonight. Almost had a fucking fight. Hey. Had the inmates up tight.

They're playing the sax and all right. Guitar, drums in the building. And we They playing the sax and all right. Guitar, drums, in the building. And we filling up the ceiling. Wearing my suit and shit. Guess what? Let's talk about these digs. It was a lot

of people that came up. A lot of them didn't have what it took. But they had a dream and I believe in them. If they can focus, they can get it in. Hey, bruh, all the way from the middle of America, you can do things with your life, but first you got to stop making your sister your wife.

Also, you got to move up. Got to move it up to the next level, bruh. Tall-ass dude who look real weird, but look like he can make some pretty kids. Breathstain. That's my girl Nefertiti way. Booty so

big, made a mirror ball. Made a bitch wanna turn out a ball. All out, all night. Gave her $100 cause I know she needed it right. all night, gave her a hundred dollars cause I know she needed it right Jeremiah been my friend a long time

played in saxophone and he look real fine nose too big ain't good for me but I fucks with the niggas see what it do get me earrings, love you Tiffany I'ma wear these up out in the streets bitch if they tell my ears green I'm going to wear these up out in the streets.

Bitch, if they tell my ears green, I'm suing your ass and your friend. That's a C. Beer gang, beer gang, beer gang. I'm on your dang line. I see you, see you, friend. What's up? Fuck your friends. I like you, boo.

Do you got a job? Can I fuck with you? You got nice nails, nice shoes, nice hair. Ooh, no bail. I'm fucking with it. I like you. I want my thighs on it. Beer gang, beer gang.

Let's turn up. Let's sing the ring. Ooh, right here, yo. Black session turned up. Let's sing the ring. Ooh, right here, yo. Black session turned up. That's right, yo. Y'all know what the fuck's up. You're wearing Tiffany Haddish shirts and that's what's up. We ready. We ready.

We ready. Yeah, we ready. We ready. We ready. Yeah, we ready. We ready. We ready. We ready. Yeah, we ready. We ready. We ready. We ready.

Yeah, we ready. Go home. Go home. Hope you don't go home alone. Yeah. But if you do think about me and when you rubbing that shit, I'll say, ooh, we. Make a wish, make a wish, make a wish. That's when it come true, bitch.

Hey, Tiffany Haddish, ladies and gentlemen. The queen. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you guys so much. We love you. Good night, everybody.

See you later. See you later. It's time real fast. Outro Music