KILL TONY - KILL TONY #339

Episode Date: April 19, 2019

Kirk Fox, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 04/15/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to all the shows. You also can click on tour dates. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the world famous comedy store, but we just started this huge tour. We're going to be at La Jolla, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Nebraska, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, so many places. And if you want the whole entire list, just go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates.

And there you can have all the information, all the entire list of our tour and tickets. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything, the Golden Pony, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. He draws the posters, the books, and everything. Go ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. You can get Kill Tony shirts there, Death Squad hats, Death Squad mugs, a bunch of stuff, all designed by me at ShopSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is red band coming to you live from the road, famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of kill Tony. Get up for Tony. It's clear. Wow. A brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. Let's go. Wow, how exciting. We're here on a Monday, guys.

Make some noise. There you go. Brian Redband is here. This is exciting. Nobody has more fun on a Monday than us. We got the great Ryan J.E. Belt over here drawing tonight's episode. Just like the Keltoni posters. The ones on the road and the ones

for the show. He makes all of them. All those are available at ryanjebelt.com and we're up and running. We're back from beautiful West Nyack, New York. Everyone check out West Nyack. Yeah, we had a blast. The great Palisade Center Super Mall there. The 13th largest mall in the country.

25-minute Uber. It takes about 25 minutes for an Uber out there. And, you know, that's just some places on the road. And we're going on the road even more and more. I just found out yesterday, a little fun fact for you, I don't even think you know this, that our two shows that we have next Sunday in beautiful La Jolla, California at the La Jolla Comedy Store have both sold out. So we added a show. Those are sold out now.

Wow. Both of them. Yep. Hello, La Jolla. Beautiful little Sunday. Beautiful little hour, 45 minute drive right down the fucking coast. Have some fun. Drive fast.

Yeah. I still burn gas like a gentleman. So the road continues, man. First week of May, we're in Phoenix, Arizona. It's Stand Up Live and then Las Vegas, Nevada. And then Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie.

And we ended all the summer part of the tour in New York, New York at the Gramercy Theater. That is almost sold out. And, yeah. And then, of course, there's Kill Tony Mania and the road to Kill Tony Mania in Sacramento and San Francisco in the month of October. An unprecedented eight Kill Tonys in one week that week. That will be a record for us. We're working a lot. You know what I mean? You work a lot. It's easier to save money and you don't just want to leave your money sitting around doing nothing for you. And that's why I love Robinhood. It's an investing app that lets you buy and sell

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build your portfolio. Sign up at ktshow.robinhood.com That's ktshow.robinhood.com And I have this amazing piece of paper. Have you seen this one yet? We have a huge announcement, ladies and gentlemen. Breaking news.

People have been wondering when the new Reagan and Watkins album will be released, and we are going to break the news right here, right now, on Kill Tony. This is huge. By the way, Reagan and Watkins, a little fun fact, we're talking about part of the True Kill Tony family.

Let's not forget, Patty Reagan was at one point the entire band. He's the guy that brought in Jeremiah Watkins, that brought in Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. I told Pat, do whatever you want with the band. So he gave us the band, and then he quit. This is a good deal for us. It's amazing. Worked out for everybody.

And him and Jeremiah became great friends and they're truly my favorite musical comedy duo in the world. And Comedy Dynamics has announced they will release Reagan and Watkins' debut self-titled album June 7th, 2019 on Sirius XM, iTunes, Spotify, Amazon, Unlimited Music, Pandora, Google Play, and more.

This is what it looks like. Look at his tits. It's the new Reagan and Watkins album called Reagan and Watkins. Great. So that's very, very exciting stuff. That's a real album. They went out. They got a record deal, and now they're successful.

I bet it's going to do good. Yeah, I believe it. I would bet it's going to do good. Yeah, I believe it. I would bet that it would definitely do good, which reminds me today's episode is brought to you by BetDSI.com. BetDSI has over 20 years in the business. They've built a reputation on fast, easy payment of winnings, and they have an easy-to-use and fast-playing interface. You can bet games as you go with live in-game wagering options

throughout the sports season. And a fun fact for you, for those of you that keep track of everything here on Kill Tony, we do a funny thing because Brian doesn't really like sports that much, but he has an unbelievable ability to psychic style predict. Like Tiger Woods. He said Tiger Woods was going to win the Masters. He predicted that when we were in West Nyack. Tiger didn't win a Masters for 12 years. He just did it.

You know who I also am picking on? I bet MasterChef this week. I bet that little 13-year-old Jaden's going home. Wow, you can bet on MasterChef. There's also a UFC fight night in 420. Who do you have in the Overeem vs. Olenek match? Oh, I definitely think Overeem.

And the NHL. I think the Capitals are going to beat the Hurricanes. The Capitals will beat the Hurricanes is what you said there. Yeah. And I think the Predators will beat the Stars. Uh-huh. Yep. And your pick to win the Stanley Cup?

Oh, the Tampa Bay Lightning. That's my favorite. The Tampa Bay Lightning. Go to BetDSI.com and use the promo code KILL120 so they know we sent you. You can deposit, cash out, and get paid. So, once again, that's BetDSsi.com, promo code Kill120. Again, betdsi.com, promo code Kill120. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what?

We're here. We're live. Anything can happen here on Kill Tony. How many of you are diehard fans of the show? You listen to it all the time. How many of you, this is your first time seeing or hearing a Kill Tony live? So many hand raises out there that I know you guys aren't used to going out in public. You clap your hands when you're at a show and people ask how many.

You don't actually, but very good. Some real fucking well-behaved nerds for their first time at the show tonight. Or some eighth graders. Yeah. How many of Or some eighth graders. Yeah. How many of you are eighth graders? Yeah. Still a guy raising his hand. I love it.

So we have an amazing, amazing guest just as we do every single week on this show. If you're a fan of this show, you know him and you love him. If you're a fan of Parks and Rec or stand-up comedy overall, you know him and love him. Make some noise for the great and powerful Kirk Fox, everybody. One of our favorite guests. Always hilarious. Always introspective. Here to help people.

One of our favorites. Some people say this show is built for a guest like Kirk Fox. Is this what the show is built for? Yeah, for you. I'm excited to be here, man. I feel the brain's engaged. I'm going to be open, present, vulnerable. Nice to see some things here that I'm promoting

that I'm not getting paid to be a part of. Oh, that's right. You actually reminded me. Delicious Nitro Cold Brew Coffee brought to you by Caveman Coffee Company. You go to cavemancoffeecode.com and use the promo code KILLTONY. You save 15%

on all your orders. How cool is that? I mean, and seriously, it's delicious. This is real Nitro. Watch this. Mmm. Oh, delicious. So I helped to promote that by just sitting down. Yeah. Amazing. Very incredible.

Heck yeah. Clearly it's a choking hazard if you have mental problems. Wow, you can't drink things or read right now. It's pretty impressive, Red Band. I'm sorry. Wow. All right, perfect. I think I nailed it.

I'm just taking it in, man. I love it. You're looking at me like you're ready for something. No, I'm enjoying it. I like your style. I'm excited to be here. Is this your style? Yeah, you're like a real fucking badass.

I'm just a human being trying to get through this night. Hey, you know what? I like that. We all are. All right. So as you know, Kirk, you've been on this show since its infancy, and I'm excited because we have a band on this show. A band.

A lot of people say, you forgot about this. I forgot about a lot of things. I try and block this out every time I do it. A lot of people say they're the best damn band in the land. I agree with that completely. Every single episode, they commit to staying in character. They're always something different. You never know what they're going to be.

Last week, the return of the famous characters, the prisoners with Shanks. You never know what they're going to do. Maybe it's a new character. Maybe it's the return of one of the greats there. One of my favorite things in all of comedy, Joey Diaz was just raving about him on the Church of What's Happening this week. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the

Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris on guitar. Here we go. Whoa, look at this. Wow, it's a biker gang. Very clearly a biker gang. Oh my God Wow This is incredible That is so crazy Jeremiah Watkins Clearly the leader of a biker gang Here tonight

Hey she's upset Yeah Is everything okay? Did you get a parking spot? He's okay he's got a mustache What about me? What about my mustache? I don't know what the hell that is. What?

It looks like yours. You got to shave that shit, boy. It looks exactly like yours. Man, I drew mine on. Mine looks better than that. I love my new mustache. How dare you? Man, that stuff's got to go, man.

You look like a dead gay magician's son. Ow. Ouch. That hurt. That was pretty aggressive. You know. I'm going to stand up for your mustache. It looks like it has potential.

Thank you. Thank you. That's coming from a guy with giant balls. Thank you. God did my mustache. That's all I got. Once you bring. Thank you. God did my mustache. That's all I got. Once you bring God into it, it gets pretty quiet. I'm excited.

We have Jeremiah Watkins here. Chroma Chris is over there looking like NWO Hulk Hogan with leukemia. I'm pretty excited about it. Which reminds me, I'd love to give a shout-out to somebody who's in the audience here tonight, a guy who I've been a fan of since I was a child, one of the great pro wrestlers of our time, former million-dollar champion, WWE Hall of Famer, ladies and gentlemen. If he isn't yet, then he should be.

That's for damn sure and definitely will be. Make some noise for the great and powerful Virgil is here. Look at that. It's him. The motherfucking former million-dollar champion of the WWF. We love you, Virgil. We're going to have fun tonight. You grab a seat.

And then clearly back here we have the Land O'Lakes girl with a beard. Name's Thunderbird, Tony. Thunderbird? Yeah, these boys were passing through the reservation. They said, you got a hog? I go, yeah, but I ain't talking about the motorcycle. Oh, boy. Alright, Thunderbird. I mean, my dick is so big.

I'm a little worried about him being directly behind me, Tony. Thunderbird's coming in hot with a pre-written joke. Thanks to David Deary. David wrote that for you? Yeah. Wow. Alright, Thunderbird. David Deary just did a vert challenge.

You gotta watch it on YouTube. Yeah, it's incredible. He just lived his dream. Our run-around producer, where's David Deary at? He just did a gigantic jump in front of Tony Hawk. Big deal in the skateboarding world. Yeah, it's pretty sweet. Check it out on YouTube. Alright, and with that said, everybody's happy. We got everything in place.

I have a bucket of destiny here, ladies and gentlemen. We did it. For some reason, the leader of the band, really curious whether I did the Reagan and Watkins plug here tonight. I have a bucket filled with comedians' names. They're all over here. Make some noise, guys. Show these people you're real humans. Some of them, you know, too cool

for school. They don't want to clap. Some of them extra excited. All different types of personalities. Maybe it's somebody's first time. Maybe somebody in the audience signed up. Who knows what can happen? If I pull your name out, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted live from the comedy store on the podcast and in front of us.

You know your time's up and you hear the sound of a kitten. Come on, you can barely hear that thing. What's up? There you go. There you go. Always gets funnier every time when we do this every single week. So it's that first meow. There you go. That means your time's up. And then wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out

the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go. There you go. And then wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go. There you go. And then we interview you and talk with you about life and who you are as a person. Maybe some other things you could talk about. Maybe some other interesting things.

You go from being a comedian to a guest on a podcast that fast. You guys excited to start the show? Shall we do this? Feels good. All right, here we go. Hand goes in the bucket. This is it.

Kill Tony live from the Comedy Store. Episode 300-something. We're doing it. Hello to the thousands and thousands watching around the world on YouTube right now. And your first comedian, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight, goes by the name of Walter Booth.

Here we go. Walter Booth. Here we go. Walter Booth. Here he comes from the back. Good job. Here he comes. Wow. Yeah. How about one more time for Walter Booth?

Hey, everybody. I'm Walter Booth, part-time comedian, full-time DJ. Yeah? My DJ name, DJ Booth, y'all. Yeah. Oh, ladies, the DJ Booth. Oh, I feel like I'm DJing up here. Okay. A lot of you are probably wondering, hey, what's the deal with this guy's voice? You know, sounds like an accident occurred. Well, what happened was my mom was addicted to helium while she was pregnant with me.

She offed a lot of loons, as they say. So much so that when she gave birth to me and they cut the cord, I kind of flew around the room for a little bit and just sort of landed. My... Got a lot on my mind. My ex-girlfriend, she kept giving birth to the spawn of Satan, so we had it checked out, obviously. Turns out she had deviled eggs, so...

That's the reason for that. Well, that's all I got. Thank you. Hell yeah, Walter Booth. Adorable. Wow. You don't sound like what you look like. I've heard that. I've heard that, yeah.

Yeah. You sound like a nerdy child, and you look like a Vietnam vet. And it's very impressive, the contrast between the two. Have you ever been dragged behind a motorcycle before? No, not that I can recall. All right, we're going to change that later. All right. Could be fun.

Heck yeah. So, Walter, how long have you been doing comedy? Like four years. Four years. Is it true that you're really a DJ? Well, you know, I'm working on it. What do you mean you're working on it? What are you doing to work on it?

Well, you know, I just don't really know where to start. So then the answer is no, you're not a DJ, right? Yeah, I guess so. So when you say part-time, you mean no time, correct? I guess you could say that. I guess you could say that. You don't have to come out and say you're a part-time comedian. We're going to know pretty quick. It's assumed.

What do you really do for work? Well, right now I'm working deliveries. Yeah, what kind of deliveries? I know it's not jokes. Deliveries? Yeah, what kind of deliveries? I know it's not jokes. It's definitely not DiGiorno either, I'll tell you that much.

That's true. You guys eat a lot of DiGiornos? Oh, yeah. Life on the road, you know, sometimes you just got to pop a frozen pizza in the oven. Wait, how do you keep a frozen pizza? You have a freezer on your motorcycle? I, you know, hook up with a chick on Craigslist, use her oven, then bounce.

He's got a sidecar. That's life on the road, baby. Life on the road. Just a sidecar with a minibar. I like your style. So, Walter, you from L.A.? No, I'm from Denver originally. Denver.

How long have you lived in Los Angeles? I moved here in October. October. How's it going for you? How's the landing? What's your living situation right now? I live with my mom and sister in Glendale. Did your mom and sister move with you from?

No, they'd already been out here for a while. You said, I'm going to stay in Colorado? Yeah, for a little bit. And what's it like living with your mom and sister? How old is your sister? She's like a couple years younger than me. Oh, perfect. Do you ever hook up with her or anything like that?

I don't know. But not sexually. I mean, do you guys just hold each other and talk it out? Seems like it'd be a fun person to cuddle with. A sister two years younger than you. Seems like a perfect little spoon. How old are you? I'm 27.

So she's 25. Okay. Yeah. It's not like Game of Thrones or anything at our place. Not yet, it's not. Topical. I think she's your sister. It could be your aunt.

Do you have more of those deviled egg jokes, or is that kind of just one and done? Because I like that. You should just open with that and just keep going with the food angle. Okay. I think specifically deviled eggs. I think every joke should be deviled eggs. Hey, why'd the chicken cross the road? Because there was fucking deviled eggs on the other side.

You never believe it. All right. Hey, there's David Deary, the guy that did the skate jump, everyone. There he goes. Looking a lot like Walter Booth. I thought Walter was walking off the stage for a second. Looking into my future.

There you go, Walter. So what's your dating life like? You live with your mom and your sister. You ever take a girl home and introduce her to the fam? I try to plan it out so they're gone if I ever take somebody home, which doesn't happen very often. You want to come over between 3 and 5 on Tuesday?

That's exactly, yeah, that's usually what I use. Have you ever thought about killing your parents and just taking over the house? That's a good question. It's crossed the mind I guess How would you do it if you were going to murder your family Stuff them with deviled eggs Yeah They'd probably know it was me at that point They'd probably be like

It doesn't matter if they know it's you If they're gone they're gone That's true If you kill them it doesn't matter who's doing it. They know it's happening. Just giving you that heads up. I'm just trying to nudge you. I mean, you're a part-time comedian, part-time DJ.

You should be a full-time killer. That's true. There you go. Yeah, that's... I'm here to help, man. It sounds kind of fun. Tony said come in and give these guys advice. I agree.

I agree. I agree. So what else in your life, Walter? What do you like to do for fun? It seems like you're not dating much, so you must have some spare time, right? You seem like the kind of guy that likes, what, laser tag and escape rooms and shit like that. Yeah, QZard. You seem like you go to escape rooms by yourself and just try to figure it all out. You know what I mean?

Real control freak. You look like you go to the Harley Davidson store just to suck on the mufflers. Just to suck on a what? Well, the sound effects really blew it. He's living with his mom and his sister. That's an escape room right there.

That's true. You gotta get out. What do you got for hobbies? What are we talking about? I don't really have any big-time hobbies. I did used to work for Planned Parenthood, so that's... Wow. Yeah, that's kind of interesting. There you go.

What'd you do at Planned Parenthood? Show them what could happen? Yeah. If you don't take care of this, you might have a son that could become a part comedian, part DJ. Yeah, yeah, and they're usually like, sign me up for the abortion now. I actually had lunch at a Planned Parenthood the other day. You know about this, right, Brian, at the mall?

I had lunch at a Planned Parenthood. It turns out there was a Chili's in the lobby. Yeah, there was a Chili's in the lobby of a Planned Parenthood. I ate there. Everyone everywhere was like, I want my baby back, baby back, baby back. All right, back to you,

Walter. Jesus Christ. That's the third time I've heard that joke. Can I do mine? Suddenly you're a part-time comedian. Yeah, I'm a full-time DJ.

Did you ever hook up with a girl that you met at Planned Parenthood? No, that's hard to pull off. Why? It seems like it would be easy. Well, a girl did give me her number once. All of it?

Believe it or not. Just a dash. I do not believe it. It seemed like you were going to say something else. You used to work at a Planned Parenthood. What else? What else about you? What do you do for fun? What do you actually do for fun? Did taking the trash out at Planned Parenthood? What else? What else about you? What do you do for fun? What do you actually do for fun? Did taking the trash out at Planned Parenthood suck?

I mean, yes it did. I mean, there were a lot of urine cups and stuff. A lot of leaks. Very good, Brian. When did your dad leave your family? When did my dad leave? No, he's still...

My parents got divorced,, he's still, well, my parents got divorced, so he's still around. Where is he around? He's living in Denver still. Yeah. What does he do? He's retired now.

He used to test firefighters and police. By lighting homes on fire? Yeah, and just say, you know, good luck. Well, good luck to you, Walter Booth. It was fun to meet you. You started off the show. There he goes.

Walter Booth, everybody. I like your... I wish you would step back from that ledge. How do you test firemen and cops? That's just... I like that part. You should open with that. With what? He said his dad, for a job, would test firemen and cops.

Oh, yeah. Did you not hear that? No, no, no. I was moving on a couple. And then I said something that was probably one of the best things that will be said today. Yeah, yeah. And that's when I moved on. Me as a natural host, I don't have to hear every single...

When you listen to this and hear it... I didn't even have to hear it. That's how smooth everything goes. It'll be an Easter egg for you. I just heard the words, good luck, and I go, good luck to you, Walter, and that was it. It was a segue. Some people call me the Sultan

of Segues. I don't know if you guys know this. Anyway, moving on. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Patrick Ramirez, everyone. Here we go. Patrick Ramirez. One more time for Patrick Ramirez.

Thank you. Hi, guys. I like living in L.A. It's a very difficult city. One of the biggest problems I have with L.A. is we have a difficult homeless problem here. I saw a homeless couple today. You ever see a homeless couple?

Yeah, I saw that. I was like, damn. What a kick in the ass to all the single people, right? Because I'm single. I saw that. I was like, that guy's doing something right. I got to ask that guy some questions. That guy should write a book.

Chapter one. Take it to a public place. Stay there. LA is tough. I like it, though. It's very difficult here, though. I've lived here five years. I moved here to see if I could make it in the big city. And it took a while, but I found out,

nope, can't do it. Gave it a shot. I do like it, though. I just moved neighborhoods. I was living in a predominantly Hispanic part of Los Angeles called Los Angeles. Thank you, everybody. There you go, Patrick Ramirez.

Hi, guys. Patrick. Let's talk about it, man. How's it going? How are you? Good. How are you guys? Good. Good to see you. This is your first time on the show, right? No, I've been here a couple times. Oh, really? About over a year ago, though. Oh, okay.

Hell yeah. You called me a weatherman. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, you keep it going for the funniest weatherman. Yeah. The prophet. I didn't call you a cancer-ridden Mark Cuban. No.

Like it. Successful man, Mark Cuban. Yes, indeed. But let's talk about you, Patrick. So you said you've been doing stand-up five years. Is that true? I've lived here five years. I've done it for six.

You've been doing stand-up for six? Correct. That's even worse. Worse than cancer. Where'd you do it the first year? I moved here from Salt Lake City. Ah, you started there. Sure did.

The Mormons were just eating you up, huh? And you're like, I'm moving to Los Angeles. These white people fucking love me. It was my test, yeah. And then here you are. Here now, yeah. How's life going for you, man? It's good. I like it here. You have a full-time job? I do, yeah. What do you do for a living? I'm a driver. Oh yeah? What kind? Like a... Uber. Just Uber X? Fancy. Uber X. I do Uber X. Pool if I need to. Wow. And

Uber Eats. I do it all. All the way across the board. You have a place to put your little DiGiorno pizza. Yeah, I do. Have you ever done Uber Eats while just doing an Uber? Is that like... It can be done. Is that illegal, though? I don't recommend it.

It's tough. But it's illegal? No, no. You can do it. Okay. That seems interesting. Have you ever ate a fry? Have you ever, you know, like one of those days?

It's tough now. The restaurants are smart. They'll put a sticker over the bag. One out of ten do it. Not all the restaurants. Yeah. No, they put a sticker. That way you can't break the seal so you can't eat the fries.

I get it. Postmates every day. You can go in through underneath. You just got to cut it and re-seal it, which is what I do. Thank you, Kurt Fox. I love it. Brian's an expert, right?

Yeah, he does. He literally Postmates every day from places that have drive-thrus. It's pretty impressive. Twice a day. And then he complains about it. Only 20% of the time does he complain. My fries pretty impressive. Twice a day. And then he complains about it only 20% of the time does he complain. My fries were cold.

Yeah. What? Anyway. So, Patrick, tell us more about you. How old are you, man? I'm 38. 38 years old. You've been doing stand-up for six years. You're driving an Uber full-time. What the fuck happened, dude?

What are we talking about say it that way it sounds bad yeah yeah yeah that's the only way to say it man i don't how do you say it how do you say like i'm driving it's like a better happier version i do like that better yeah uh so what what's going on man what were we what was the thing were you supposed to be like the president of the united states at one point, and then what? You got like fucking busted with hookers and blowers or something? Booger sugar, right? Took a turn.

No, I worked in the bicycle industry forever. The bicycle industry? Yeah, you asked me about this last time. Yeah, now I remember. You did your bicycle joke. Yeah, what was it? You said, why are bicycles always falling down? Uh-huh.

Because they're too tired. I said that? Yeah. Bullshit. Tony, what did you fucking say? No way. Let me tell you something. Everybody laugh at my ass.

I like that joke, but when you say it like that. Yeah, it's not delivery, it's the journal. Oh, bye. All right. Yeah, it's not delivery. It's DiGiorno. Oh, bye. So, question. Why did you get out of the bike game? I still do it. I do like athlete coaching, do training programs on the side. I worked at a million bike stores, but I wanted to do comedy full time, so I quit the bike store.

You ever been to Sturgis? No. No, not motorcycles. Bicycles like you pedal. Oh. Sorry. So Patrick, what else is being done? Is that part of the training you do? You just tell them

just pedal? Just go? That's step one. You always tell them to pedal. That's where you start. But then after that, you write them like you would be a personal trainer. You would ride them a program based off of whatever, heart rate, power output, perceived exertion. Shit, man. I'm glad you got out of the bicycle game. No, I'm still in it.

Oh, wow. Get out. You just can't help yourself. Get the fuck out as quick as you can. Patrick, what's your love life like? You ever throw anyone on the back of a tandem bicycle and take them for a trip? That'll be the dream. Yeah?

It's a dream to you to be with someone. Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Why? Why is that just a dream? You go on dates ever? That sounds good. That sounds really hot.

Stick with me here, Patrick. Okay. You ever go on dates or anything like that? Sure, yeah. Yeah? Last date, what was that like? Where'd you go? Went to... Oh, I went to... I met

a girl in West Covina. Oh, hell yeah. Rough. Uh-huh. Geographically desirable if you live in West Covina. Went to a mall. You went to the mall? Went to a mall, yeah. Did you pick her up? You picked her up? No, no, she picked it. Did you pick her up and take her to the mall?

We met at the mall. Wow, you met at the mall. So creepy. It is creepy. Yeah. Some Jackie Brown shit we're talking about here. I believe that was the mall. I think that mall may have been in West Covina.

Did she ask her mom kind of meat? How old was this girl? I think she was a year younger than me. She was 37. Wow, 37. You're 38. How long has she been driving Ubers? She was just going to start.

I sent her my recommendation code. Okay, Patrick, you took some weird improv course this week at Second City, and you're trying to flex on us here, but it's not really... Hey, man, take Second City and just name out of your mouth, brother. What? Never mind. So you're at the mall and then what happened? Did you guys eat,

did you guys have some Sbarro or something like that? We had a restaurant. Did you get an Orange Julius or Panda Express or did you go crazy and do both? I wish. It went bad from the start. You took her to the super dry store. Okay, it went bad from the start. Yeah, it went bad from the start. You took her to the super dry store. Okay, it went bad from the start. Yeah, it went bad from the start.

She talked the whole time, and she said she doesn't drive. She said she does not drive, and I said, why don't you drive? She says, oh, I don't have a license. I said, why don't you have a license? She said, I don't want to talk about it. So I figured she had like a DUI or something. Right. Yeah, and it went bad from there.

Are you against girls that have a DUI? Yeah, I had a problem with it. Really? Well, you're not going to get laid much. I was a little scared of her. So you don't drink at all,

do you? No, I do. So you've never had two beers or one beer and got in your car and drove? Never did.

It's happened. Well, you could have had a DUI, so why are you judging that? All right. Wow, there you go. You just got it handed to you from Red Banner right here.

Just one of your jokes. You drunk hypocrite. Do you talk about bicycles when you're on the date? I think it was brought up, yeah. I think it was brought up a little bit. How'd that go? Was she into that? Not good.

Not very responsive. What do you mean? That's weird. Usually when someone brings up bicycles, you fucking get wet. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's starting to make me think I was the problem this date. A chick without a license should love you. An Uber driver that works with bicycles.

Like, I mean, I don't understand. I know where I went wrong, man. That's a match made in heaven. You should have given her a bike. That's a match made in heaven, or as you call it, the West Covina Mall. It's a pretty good mall. Did you ever see her again? No, I didn't. Do you think about her? Uh-uh, no. I wanted to get out of there. It's a pretty good mall. Did you ever see her again? No, I didn't.

Do you think about her? Uh-uh, no. I wanted to get out of there. It was bad. Yeah, but you say it was bad. Why? Because she wouldn't tell you why she doesn't have a license?

I mean, she clearly ran over somebody and killed them, by the way. That's vehicular manslaughter. I had questions. You were like, we need to pump the... Maybe she was 15 years old.

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. West Covina, they're all young. That's why you met at a mall because she loves malls. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. West Covina, they're all young. That's why you met at a mall, because she loves malls. Yeah, maybe that was it. Her mom was probably waiting in the parking lot. Well, Patrick, good news for you.

You get to live on for another day, at least. You survived here on Kill Tony. I would never do the joke about uh plays with a bunch of mexicans uh in los angeles called los angeles i would never do that joke again oh no ever no for a six-year comedy vet that's crazy that's my only real piece of advice because that's like such it's just such like a i mean it'll get laughs when you're doing open mics and shit because

those people want to see you fail. You know what I mean? You got to remember that. You do a lot of open mics, right? You perform in front of a lot of comedians. You got to be careful what you're doing in front of these people because they want you to think that the jokes that are bad work. It's reverse shit.

You have to do shit that you've never heard anything like before and that really makes you laugh. You know what I mean? Don't try to make these fucking people laugh. It'll never work. No, okay. All right, Patrick Ramirez, everybody. Thank you. There you laugh. You know what I mean? Don't try to make these fucking people laugh. It'll never work. No. Okay.

All right. Patrick Ramirez, everybody. Thank you. There you go. Thank you. How about a hand for the band tonight, huh? Learning new songs every week. Always amazing.

All right. I feel like this name's been called on this show before. Let's all see the comedy stylings of Callahan Welsh. Ooh, got a big pop from the comedians. They're excited about Callahan Welsh. Oh, here he comes. Here he comes. Here about Callahan Welch. Here he comes. Here comes Callahan. Come on, one more time for Callahan Welch.

Aloha, everyone. First and foremost, much respect to all stand-up comedians or anybody that does this. Stand-up comedy is a very challenging task to write jokes without plagiarism and to be vulnerable and tell your life story the way that you see it as a byproduct of society. So I do have that with most respect. I'm not really a stand-up comedian. I'm not funny. I do this to practice public speaking.

Sorry for looking nervous, overweight, and white-privileged. I mean you no harm. I assure you I'm the nicest racist you'll ever meet With that being said, please start my time Fuck yeah, Callahan Welsh, everybody. That was fun. Great stuff, man. How's it going? Welcome to the show.

How are you? Did they start my time? Yeah, no. That was the whole thing, Callahan. Welcome to the show. This is your first time on, right? Yes, no, that was the whole thing, Callahan. Welcome to the show. This is your first time on, right? Yes, sir. I love it.

Clearly, you just got unfrozen from a block of ice somewhere in Antarctica, and you made it down here to where it's warm. Fresh off the Game of Thrones premiere. Yeah, he looks like a wildling went to Coachella. Callahan, you are clearly strategically a funny, awkward gentleman. How long have you been doing stand-up? Strategically. Flappers University. What?

Yeah. It all adds up. Oh, yes. Good old FU. I fucking love it, Callahan. You from here in Los Angeles? Thankfully not. Where are you originally from?

Born in Silverton, Oregon. Raised in Maui, Hawaii. All my life. Wow, Maui, Hawaii. Okay, that's why you look like the guy from Cast Away. Now I get it. That makes sense now. He also looks like he would die from dysentery. Got another one.

Wow. Callahan, you are... Man, I love the shit out of this guy. Yeah, you are a gem. You guys clearly have ridden motorcycles together. I remember you riding a motorcycle

in the hit movie Raising Arizona. There's a little bit of a deep reference, but if you remember this, this guy fucking gets it. Hell yeah, Callahan. Wow, this is so cool. Another genuinely funny human being on the show. This is really exciting. So anything else you could tell us about yourself, Callahan?

These people are interested to maybe know more about you. Just an open mic-er. With a dream? Yeah. How many newspapers do you sleep

on or under? It seems like you might need more than the average. No, I'm kidding. Callahan, what are we talking about? You live by the beach now? No, I live in the ghetto streets of North Hollywood. The ghetto streets of North Hollywood. All right.

What do you do during the day? What time do you get up? Oh, God. Usually 07. Don't overthink these. I know you got it. I know you got these answers. 0700.

Wow. Callahan Welsh. I'm out. That's all I had. What's your relationship with your parents like? Are you close to your parents? Oh. Oh. Oh, shit. April'm out. That's all I had. What's your relationship with your parents like? Are you close to your parents? Oh. Oh shit. April Fools.

Oh, still got it. Still rocking the April Fools. Man, this guy is entertaining as hell. Yeah. I don't know. This is a real live show. Anything can happen here. I thought you were really going to light that thing for a second. Settle down. Again, what did I just say? Comedians light that thing for a second. Settle down.

Again, what did I just say? Comedians want to see people fucking burn. That's what it is. If you lit that, you get tackled by a door girl. The only thing worse than getting tackled by a door guy is getting tackled by a door girl. Right? Noted.

That's sexist, Tony. It's just true. It hurts on the inside and out. So Callahan, anything else interesting about you before I let you go? Because you're one of the funny, silly guys, and it doesn't really work well during interview portions of this show. No. Just after high school, made a few wrong choices.

Then I joined the Marine Corps, did that for eight years, cleaning toilets with my tongue, and then got out, smoked meth, and then tried to be a wannabe stand-up comedian. Fucking perfect. You know what? I'll tell you this. That sounds like a perfect path to me, my friend.

Everybody's got a different path in this thing, and that sounds absolutely perfect. How long have you been doing it? Four and a half years. Four and a half years. Four and a half years. Callahan, you're an instant legend on this show. Thank you so much for coming on. Callahan Welsh, everybody.

There he goes. He did it. Did I get booked? What? There goes Callahan, everybody. Oh, wow, look. It's Cassandra Cass, everyone. Yum, yum.

Fan favorite here on... Awesome cooker, too. All right. Make some noise for Adam Martinez, everyone. Let's keep this fun train moving along. Adam Martinez. Hey. Hey, y'all.

He's stuck in traffic. In the house in New Orleans. They call the rising sun. One more time for Adam Martinez, everyone. Goddamn, you're good looking. This is weird. I'm from the south side of Chicago. Thank you. Yeah my inner child has a dad bod.

So this is really weird being out here. You guys are great looking. Jesus. I was a bouncer for 13 years but I'm a pussy. It's true. I look like I would listen to Metallica and like Rob Grandma's in my teens. I didn't. I didn't.

I definitely know this fits like eggs eat light. That's not me. I like musicals. I didn't. I definitely know this fits like, Exit light! That's not me. I like musicals. That's true. I just want to know if I was choking somebody out, it wasn't like, Let the body shake the pra- It was more like, 525,600 minutes! Um,

Let's see. Uh, yeah. Um, go with, uh... I look like Gregg at Ralphie broke through the internet. That's true. I look like Jesus if he was walking on water, he'd fall in and drown. I get it. I get it.

One day I'm gonna let it go, though, and I'm gonna gain weight like Violet and Willy Wonka. Like, I wanna get it at that rate. I wanna look like the only thing I haven't eaten is a bullet. I'm serious, guys. Thank you. Fuck yeah, Adam Martinez. Heck yeah.

Hello. Adam, are you having an allergic reaction to something right now? Yeah. No. Do you always have that you're always a little bit swollen? I'm fat. I'm chubby. Yeah.

No, it's... Brian says you're not fat. You know what that means. You're just a big guy. Like that guy from Lost. Or whatever that guy's name is. The guy from Lost. I've been called that before. The fat guy from Lost.

Not fat, just big. It's not really. And by the way, your body's not even that fat. It's not really that. It's like you sort of have a fat head just big. It's not really, and by the way, your body is not even that fat. It's not really that. It's like you sort of have a fat head. Definitely. But I like it, though. I think you're probably a great guy, right, Adam? It all matches. I have my moments.

You've been doing this a few months? No, a couple years. Okay. Alright. A couple years. Where at? I started in Chicago and then I came out here. Okay. How long have you lived in L.A.? I haven't lived in L.A. I live in Laguna, Laguna Niguel. Oh, Laguna. And then, yeah, I took, like, a two-year break in doing Second City.

So I didn't have, like, a lot of time for stand-up, and then I got back into stand-up. Hell, yeah. So doing it in OC, man, it's awesome. I love it. I love it. How did you end up in Laguna Niguel? My fiance got a job out there. We had to come out from Chicago.

What's that? What job? She's sales for Steelcase. That's a really big company. What do you do? I coach baseball. You watch baseball? No, coach baseball. Oh, you coach baseball. Yes, I coach like little kids. Really? Yeah. Sweet. Wow. Really? You look more like a softball coach than a baseball coach.

That's good. Did you play baseball in college? Yes. Where at? Robert Morris. I was a pitcher. You were a pitcher? Really? Can you move the mic, stand over, and show us a little proper form with a good pitch?

It's Adam Martinez here. He's winding up. Here he goes. Wow, and the whistle. If you didn't believe Red Band doesn't know about sports, there's a whistle after the pitch. That's awesome. The good old baseball whistle. You really gave up a home run. Did you make it to the minor leagues?

Did you want to pitch? What happened? No. I hurt my knee in college like every other fan athlete. How'd you hurt your knee? Covering a bunt. Covering a bunt? Yeah, just a step funny.

You shouldn't chase down bunts, man. Oh, my God. You tore an ACL? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yes. My goodness.

Did you throw them out? No, I actually threw the ball in the right field. I combined the problem Made it real bad And you just left the field and never came back Yeah, that was pretty much what I knew You started looking for kids to coach That's smart

How old are the kids that you're coaching? Any age from 8 to 14 right now Any age? The Michael Jackson range Absolutely, yes 8 to 14 Very good Did they ever give you any trouble? Any age? The Michael Jackson range. Absolutely, yes. The best range. 8 to 14.

Very good. They ever give you any trouble? They ever fuck with you? Like, Coach Martinez, you look like a giant lesbian. No, I haven't gotten that from the little kids. They're very nice. At what age do you recommend cups for children? And do you put them on them yourself? I'm not a hands-on coach like that.

Use your mouth. Yes. Hold my hair back. Do you tell them not to ever bunt? No, I don't tell them not to bunt. You're not anti-bunt. No, I haven't turned against the bunt. I'm okay with it.

I've come to my grips. You love working with the kids? Is it rewarding? Hell yeah, it's rewarding. Do you ever take them out for pizza or ice cream afterwards or anything like that? I work on a coach. No, you just do that yourself? Yeah, I do that.

Yes. Oh, well, that's cool. You're just booing. You got to. Whoa. You guys' chemistry is tight right now. Well, you know, he's usually in my sidecar, but he's behind me tonight, so it's a little off. Go ahead.

Never mind. All right. Wow. There you go. I was going to say you're the funniest Steven Seagal lookalike we've ever had on the net. That is what it looks like. I've been trying to put a finger on it. That's what you remind me of, Steven Seagal.

So do you coach a team or just kids individually? No, now I coach kids individually. It's like more money. Yeah, is that something you want to work up toward that? No, I've done teams. I did like teams. I did junior college. It was weird.

Do you have any jokes for the kids? Like the only jokes that you wrote for them to make them happy and laugh? Like little kid jokes? Yeah, yeah. In Chicago, I tell them like we get into soccer, but every time we go to see the Chicago Fire, they get rained out. That's a little kid joke. That works for me. I'm sorry.

Man, that's the cutest joke I've ever heard in my life. Your little kid jokes work as good as your grown-up jokes do, Adam. Thank you. What's your love life like? Are you going to make a little little leaguer of your own one of these days? Yeah, yeah. She's picking out a dress next Saturday. Say that again?

She's picking out a dress next Saturday. Picking out a wedding dress. Wow, look at that. Who's she marrying? A lucky guy, I hope. Shit, man. Some young baseball coach. My goodness. That's so exciting. Yeah, it's exciting.

What are you going to do? You going to rock the... What does a guy with hair like that do for a wedding? What do you do? Put it on a bun? No, I'm not going to put it on a bun. I'm going to leave it down. I like it better down. That? What do you do? Put it in a bun? No, I'm not going to put it in a bun. I'm going to leave it down. I like it better down. That's why I grew it out. I got a question. How did you propose? Oh, I picked her up from the airport. I had all her friends

in the house with her family. When I got there, I proposed to her. And then when she said yes, we went inside. We were living in Florida at the time. Her family wasn't there. So I wanted to surprise her and have all our friends there because celebrate. Right. That's cool. And then you got down on one knee, much like you did when you were covering a bunt. Absolutely.

Absolutely. Good call there. What? What is that? I don't know. I wasn't good at baseball. Good umpire call. Thunderfoot, you're out of control back there. Okay. Okay. All right.

Well, Adam, any other fun facts about you? You have any fun hobbies or anything like that? You seem like the kind of guy that would like to paintball in the early morning. Do? No, no, I don't paintball. I just like to hike. Out in California, this is gorgeous. It's true.

So it's definitely different from the Great Plains. The Great Plains is boring as shit. I'm definitely into that. Do you sing? Absolutely not. I try to in the car, but I'm horrible. Do you like plays or musicals? I love musicals. Alright, let's talk about it.

Let's do it. What do you love about musicals? I like the thought of it's such a departure from reality nobody sings in real life and to see that in a movie as a little kid it always tripped me out holy shit they're singing, do people really do that?

and then I realize as an adult nobody does Do you have any training in that or anything like that? No, not at all Your wife is lucky I think you're going to have a good life with her I hope so Don't fuck it up, I don I think you're going to have a good life with her. I hope so. Don't fuck it up.

I don't think you can find another one. Probably very true, yes. Just be good. I love it. Adam Martinez. Thank you so much. Thank you, guys. There he is, Adam Martinez. Hey!

They call the rising sun. You guys having fun out there, huh? We're here. We're live. It's a real Kill Tony show. I'm excited about things. This is fun. How many of you like it when comedians do good on the show, huh?

How many of you like watching people bomb up here? Wow. It's very 50-50. 50-50 right down the middle. This is like some kind of house of representatives or something like that. Very split down the middle. Okay.

Put your hands together for Jay Calderon. Jay Calderon. Oh, from the very back corner. Wow, from the lucky corner. That is the hot table. It is. Every week. That's weird.

It's the longest walk from this stage. Dead or alive. One more time for Jay Calderon. What's up, guys? What's up? I'm starting to get really pissed at homeless people. They think they can just say whatever the fuck they want. Like the other day, I had a homeless chick tell me that I look like the dude from the new Sprint commercials, but fatter. Yeah,

fuck that. First thing, fuck you. Second, how do you even know who that is? You have a TV in your dumpster? Like, what the fuck? Fuck her, dude. I used to be really afraid of bubbles when I was younger. Exactly, yeah, yeah. And I realized I have trypnophobia. You guys know what that is? It's like the fear of holes that are, like, really close together. That's probably why I'm a virgin, too, but I don't know. My ex-girlfriend has Down Syndrome. Thank you. Which is ironic because every time I asked her if she wanted to do something she always said, I'm down.

So I... Do you know her? Alright. Jesus. That's my time. Heck yeah, there you go. Sure, Jake Halder on everybody. There he is. There he goes. There we go. So wanted, wanted, dead or alive. Hell yeah. Dead or alive. Jay, how's it going man?

How are you? It's going great Why do you look like you're in a fake disguise right now? Are those glasses connected to the nose And connected to the mustache? What's going on here? I can't see without these Really?

Can you take off your glasses? Wow, look at that It's Superman, everybody. I don't know. Thank you. I'll take that as a compliment. Yeah, no, you don't really look like Superman with the glasses off. Superman is not afraid of bubbles.

Yeah, exactly. Superman doesn't work for Sprint. Yeah. It's a plane. It's an Uber driver. Please tell me your girlfriend really has Down syndrome, that you didn't just say that for that horrible joke, dude. No, you did it for the horrible joke.

Yeah. Are you kidding me? You think this guy could fuck a chick with Down syndrome? Well, I don't know. No way. No, she didn't have Down syndrome. She was on the spectrum, though. She...

Really? Like slight autism. Very different. Autism. But I just ran with it. What is slight autism? What the hell is that, man?

It sounds like you diagnosed her as that. I mean, I got slight autism. Dude, once a month my girlfriend, she starts bleeding and stuff. I don't know what's going on there. I think she's on the spectrum or something. She gets all angry and weird and agitated and stuff.

I'm like spectrum. How long were you with this girl for? Two years. Two years. How did it end? Why did it end? We just kind of grew apart. You know, she kept telling her she had Down syndrome.

No, she didn't have Down syndrome. Thunderfoot. She didn't. Well, come on. You got to give us something better than that. Grew apart. Come on. There must have been something that you found annoying or something like that.

She drew on you a lot. She didn't have Down syndrome, guys. Let's move on from that part. She didn't have it. It was a bad lie and a bad, bad, all for that joke. It's incredible. Like, it's one thing when we do it, when we goof around with something that we get to make fun of, but you strategically wrote that and executed it.

Okay, so why'd you guys break up? You know, I don't know. She just, she went off to college, and she was just. Oh, wow, There you go. How old are you? Do you think she tells her friends that she dated a guy with Down syndrome? She was in high school when you were dating?

Well, no. She went to a community college and then she got into... How old was she? She just turned 21. How old are you? I'm 23 Wait, she went to college, did you go to college? I did

You look 40 He really does I would have said 35, 40 I bet she was hot as fuck Dude, you fucked up, I bet Wow, look at this guy betting Why don't you go to BetDSI, use the promo code KILLTONY I will Get a free stock Wow, look at this guy betting. Why don't you go to BetDSI, use the promo code KILLTONY.

Yeah, I will. Get a free stock. Yeah. Oh, wait, no, no. KILL120. BetDSI. So you're 23, right? What do you do for work?

I teach a high school and a middle school. I teach music. Oh, yeah. That's where you pick up chicks, obviously. And then they're not even smart enough to get into real college. They have to go to community college first. What do you teach? I teach the drum line there. You teach, wait, wait, wait. Stop. Everybody just relax. Relax. Stop. All the way. Stop. What do you teach? The drum line.

So what exactly does that mean when you say you teach the drum line? That means that I teach these kids that don't know how to drum how to march. So you're telling me that for a living, you actually teach people how to play drums? Yes. Not drum set. Not drum set. Oh, he's backpedaling now. And can you

say you teach them or show them the right words? No, I teach them. Well, do you know that we have a little segment on this show? Have you heard of this before? Well, here we go, ladies and gentlemen. This is very exciting. Jake Calderon, you are

the newest contestant on Mexican Drum Off. Now, maybe this is your first time here at Kill Tony, and you don't know what's happening, but the great Joel Berg goes to the back and gets his mind right, and Jay Calderon right now actually has a chance. Jay, don't touch another fucking drum for a second. Jay actually has a chance right now, don't touch another fucking drum for a second. Jay actually has a chance

right now, live, on this show, to become the new full-time drummer on this show. He'd be part of Kill Tony every single week. He would travel with us on the road, and Joel would, it's always that they would have to switch jobs, so Joel would take your job as a

drumline instructor, and you would be on Keltoni. Does that sound exciting to you, Jay Calderon, to be on this show every week? Yeah. There you go. If it was really exciting, you'd say it into a microphone. You might be able to get your girl back if you're playing the drums. Now, we've had many Mexican drum-offs, I think maybe somewhere between 15 and 20 all time.

Every time, Joel has always defended his throne. Now, you got to remember, it's not just about hitting the drums and how you hit them. It's about giving a big performance, moving the crowd, finding a way to get the crowd hyped up. And so you guys decide, though,

at the end who gets to win. You guys excited about this? All right. This is the first time in the show's history in which the Mexican drum off has been against a drum instructor. This is the first time in the show's history in which the Mexican drum-off has been against a drum instructor. This is very exciting. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, going for the throne, Jay Calderon, everybody.

There you go, Jay. You can start. Wow, he's twisting the sticks, everybody. Whoa. Oh, he's flipping the sticks. He's hitting the stick with a stick. Wow. All right. Jay Calderon.

What the... All right. And now, yeah? I've never seen somebody make the drums not cool. Yeah, it was pretty amazing. I know, that was... What the fuck? I don't know what just happened, but my pussy just dried up. It's like those drums have down syndrome. Yeah, it was pretty amazing. I know, that was, what the fuck? I don't know what just happened, but my pussy just

dried up. It's like those drums have down syndrome. Yeah. Jay, I got bad news for you. You don't have a fucking snowflakes chance in hell in this. I have no idea how you're a professional drum instructor. Ladies and gentlemen, defending, trying to keep his job. You know him, you love him. It's Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

Hey! Hey! Wow. Did he eat a bite of a Rice Krispie treat? Whoa, what is happening? He's bleeding from the mouth, everybody. What the fuck? He's literally bleeding.

There's blood pouring from his mouth. He's bleeding on what appears to be some type of blood-chewing that is not working the way he thought it was going to. I also think he thought that the guy previously was going to be better, so he went the extra distance. Oh, my goodness.

Ladies and gentlemen, Chulbert Chul Jimenez. Thank you. Wow. Wow. Wow. The crowd goes absolutely crazy. There's no doubt about it. This one's going to be pretty easy. How many of you think Jake Calderon won that drum off? There you go.

People didn't even raise their hands on that one. How many of you got Joel Berg winning this thing, huh? And still the reigning defending drummer of Kill Tony, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Jake Halderon, thank you so much. There he goes, Jake Halderon, everybody. Wow, what a performance from Joel Berg. You know, a little fun fact, Joel every once in a while has some pretty wild anxiety that he suffers from and I actually brought him a little baggie

of some of the great amazing infinite CBD products that they've given us today and they offer the cleanest healthiest purest forms of CBD available and with the 420 season upon us let's celebrate the incredible benefits of CBD which is derived from hemp plants and

gives you all the benefits of marijuana without which is derived from hemp plants and gives you all the benefits of marijuana without getting high. Yeah, they actually, it works for me and research has shown that it's helped people from a variety of different ailments, including pain management, anxiety, insomnia, and more. Yeah, it's amazing. I absolutely love it. They have the freezing point topical cream, the CBD gummies, CBD AM, CBD pills with caffeine. Great when you need to focus, be calm, and get stuff done. You know, sometimes people that get amped up, we drink coffee, you start to have a panic attack, you don't even realize it. They have lotions and everything.

It's great. It's unbelievable. So for $4.20, pick up some Infinite CBD gummies and relax your ass off. Or Infinite CBD Absolute Zero and smoke up pure CBD isolate. InfiniteCBD.com, you can see which one of their products is going to help you live a healthier life. Go to InfiniteCBD.com, and if you use the promo code TONY15, for April only, they'll give you 20% off. It's a 420 special.

Use promo code TONY15 for 20% off orders in April. Tony, can you believe America is trusting their children with this idiot that I just beat on stage in front of an audience? Can we talk about what I really want to talk about is this blood chewable that I think the crowd wants to know. What was supposed to happen? You saw it happen here. Do we really have to talk about it? For those of you listening to the podcast, he came out chewing on something.

He appeared to be very uncomfortable. Right. And he swallowed all that fake blood. It either stayed in his mouth or he swallowed it. Yeah. I'm not exactly sure. There's just one little streak of blood. Is it really?

That's what happened? Yeah, just one little line. Well, I need to chalk that up with the costume shop tomorrow. Oh, yeah. They promised me a geyser, and all I had was a drip. And Thunderfoot, one more question. Why did you shave your beard and hair when you were backstage?

Oh, it's... Ain't nobody got time for that. Alright. Back to the show. You guys having fun out there? You just saw a Mexican drum off. Only on Keltoni can a man lose his job from Mexican drum off. Only on Keltoni can a man lose his job from a drum solo. It's an incredible

thing. I'm worried about those kids that he's teaching. Really? I know. Yeah, Joel Berg's giving lessons, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to DM me. I mean, you would think that someone would make sure that the drum teacher knows how to play the fucking drums. Was it elementary school? He said, what, 8 to 14? to play the fucking drums. Was it elementary school?

He said, what, 8 to 14? That was the baseball guy. Was it months? They should team up and just put together an academy, those two. Baseball and drumming. Be bad at everything. It's nice to know that I can always fall back

and I can teach drum lines if shit goes off track. Yeah. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Courtney Magleby, everyone. Courtney Magleby. That sounds like a new name to me. Oh, no. Hey.

Oh, it's the girl from Ghostbusters. Took me all night long. Hello. Jesus. Hi there. My name's Courtney Magleby. Tonight I'll be playing the role of lesbian Steve Bannon. Nice to meet you. I consider myself a flaming bisexual, right?

I got the boots, I got the short hair, but also full face of makeup. Because I know I'm not pretty enough to trap a man without it. Thank you. Oh, man. I'm an adult and at this point in my life I can accept a few things. Number one, I'm just not good at sex. It's not like a skill I have. For instance, dudes hate it when I give them oral thrush, which is a a yeast infection you get in your throat. I like that joke because it grosses you out, but you learn

a little something. Take that home. Put it in your pocket. Just enjoy it. Tell your friends. Spread the word. Oh my gosh. Wow. Hell yeah. Courtney Magleby.

Hello. Hello. This is awesome. I'm very excited about this. This is the first time we've ever had a lesbian mad scientist on this show before. Nice to meet you. Very exciting stuff. You just performed.

How long have you been doing stand-up? So I think I've been doing it two years. But I know people who said have you been doing stand-up? So I think I've been doing it two years, but I know people who said they've been doing it two years, and I'm like, bitch, I've been doing it for a year longer than you, so it might be two or three, you know. Wow. It's not that impressive. I can sense the

sarcasm. Wow. Do you remember when you started? It was a month before my 24th birthday. How old are you? 26. Okay. So you've been doing it three years.

Egon Spangler, ladies and gentlemen, is here. That's incredible. You know who Egon is? No, I don't. And also, you're a lesbian, so you get some Melissa Etheridge, too. I had a question. A little bit of everything for you. Etheridge too.

I had a question. A little bit of everything for you. I like it when Red Band plays music and people look at us like we're playing it from our saxophones and guitar in perfect stereo quality. You have a lot of keys on your belt buckle there. What are we dealing with there?

You have a lot of... Those are from all the kids she's taken to Neverland. My goodness. Like the Peter Pan one, not the Michael Jackson one. There you go. Nice distinction. There's your first big Joel Berg chant of the night.

He's warmed up now that he's won a battle here. Dude, just let him. Whoa, look at that. He had his period, everybody. Very exciting. Absolutely disgusting. Aphrodite just says, I got the same thing. Oh, shit.

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. I can't think of periods anymore. It's disgusting. Aphrodite looks like she uses a Tempur-Pedic mattress as a maxi pad. All right. Anyway. And it still ain't enough.

All this talk about periods is making Courtney hungry up here. up here. Courtney, you are the person, believe it or not, that is most dressed like a Vietnam veteran tonight. Again, I didn't think we could go any more deep into this, but we're here. So, Courtney,

let's talk about... But like a lesbian Vietnam War veteran, you don't know the carpet I munched over there. So, Courtney, how long have you been doing stand-up? Two years. Two years. And what do you do for work?

Nothing right now. Nothing right now? You're unemployed and you have that many keys? I know. It's a real accomplishment. How many gates does it take to get into your apartment? What kind of labyrinth are we talking about here? There's a riddle and everything to go with it.

What do you got on those keys? What is that? What's that gray box? What's that blueish gray? So this is the clicker to my friend's apartment in San Jose. Oh, shit. You fucking lesbian garage door opener. You didn't think maybe just to take it off Because that's so far away

And if you need it you can put it back on your keychain That just seems like a huge box I miss my friend Does it have a smell is that why She had it in her or something Oh Jesus You really had to throw in the last part For those of you that didn't get the joke because you're retarded,

he means was it in her? Oh, okay, perfect. There you go. That makes sense. Red red wine reference right there. So, Courtney, how long have you been a lesbian for? Have you always felt like you've loved women? Or are you saying that you're bye-bye, like 50-50?

I'm like about 50-50. Really? Yeah. I knew I was attracted to women, like middle of high school. Yeah, do you remember the moment that you realized that you were into women? Was there like something? When I watched the Nicki Minaj video for Stupid Ho. Oh, me too.

Damn. Shit. That's what did it to you? That's what did it. You were into Nicki Minaj. Are you into black women? Do you prefer black women over white women?

That's a loaded question. Well, it's loaded. I mean, in the way that... In that, are they generally hotter to me? Yes. But I don't want to like... They got that booty.

I don't know if you know this, but we have some Apollo TV members here. But if you make them feel good. I believe. Right? We have one, two. How many of you?

You're the resident Apollo 13 lesbian here. Mina, right? Would you ever, what do you think about hooking up with a nerd lesbian like this? You ever been with one of these before? We guys all three. It's fair. No, it's fair. Will you all three kiss on stage right now? No, okay, no. There's no

real chemistry here, even though she looks like a scientist. But you like guys also? Oh, yeah. Look, no one can resist the siren song of dick. So I'm kind of... It has an appeal is what I'm saying. I had a question, Tony. Do you is what I'm saying. My goodness.

I got a question, Tony. Do you like girls or boys more? Do you really think you're a lesbian or do you just think it's a good angle? Oh. No, I say I look like a lesbian because clearly I look like a lesbian. You definitely look like a lesbian.

Dude, a blind guy could see that. Oh, yeah. But are you really a lesbian or you just kind of say you are? No, I'm really bisexual. I really like both men and women. What's your favorite thing about hooking up with a woman? Do you like giving or receiving more?

Definitely giving. I feel like when I'm receiving, there's like this onus to perform enjoying it. And it's not that I'm not, but it's like... No, I hate that too. I don't like that. Sometimes I get a blowjob. I'm like, what it's like... No, I hate that too. I don't like that. Sometimes I get a blowjob. I'm like, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this? I don't know.

Fuck. It's so interesting, you know, sort of like the split like that. If you had to guess what your life will end up being like, do you ever see yourself getting married to someone? Like, can you commit to someone or one thing? Oh yeah, I could definitely commit. I'm desperate, so anyone who will give me unconditional love, I'm all about

it. Wow. So it sounds like you want to marry a puppy. Do you have any cats, Courtney? You have a cat? I don't have a cat. You have any pets? I don't have any pets. I have neighborhood cats that I act like are...

Very good. That's what I'm picking up. You're that lady. The neighborhood cat lady. The only thing scarier than the lady that owns her own cats are the ones that own the neighborhood cats. Feral cats. This is one of them. Right here. You're that crazy pussy.

So with that garage door opener, you're just kind of looking for a garage that that will open? Why do you have that with you? You only use that when you have to go take care of the Muppet babies, right? Right here. That's only good in San Jose.

I loved it, Tony. This is for a specific garage in San Jose. What else do we have there? What are the discount cards that you got on the keychain? Welcome to another segment we call Lesbian Keychains on Kill Tony. This card is connected to the key for my aunt's mobile home that I'm staying at right now. Whoa, aunt's mobile home. That's right.

Really bougie shit. Hell yeah. Where's the mobile home located? It's in Corona. Hell yeah. Yeah. That's right. Really bougie shit. Oh, my gosh. Where's the mobile home located? It's in Corona. Hell, yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I love Corona.

Yeah. I'm getting lukewarm on it so far. The beer? What? Oh, I'm coming to the city. It's okay. It's a fun joke I didn't get. Right.

And where are you originally from? San Jose. Very good. Next key okay. It's a fun joke I didn't get. Right. And where are you originally from? San Jose. Very good. Next key chain. Next key. Key to my car. Boring. Next one.

Key to the... What kind of car do you have? Subaru? Land Rover? Hyundai Accent. A what? Hyundai Accent. Hyundai Accent.

Yes. Absolutely. What's the action? Korean. Hashtag key to. It's not black, is it? What's the action? Hashtag key two. It's not black, is it? What's the next one? Key to the theater I used to perform at, also in San Jose.

What did you do in the theater? Improv. Improv? Yeah. You look more like a projectionist. So why do you still have that key if you don't work there anymore? I just never took it off. And in my mind, oh, this will be useful again. Right.

Okay next key. Okay this is the key to the gym at the mobile home park that my aunt has a mobile home at. There's a gym at the mobile home park? I did not know that fucking exists. People in mobile homes go

fucking work out? It's outside. You're just lifting furniture. You know, there's an above-ground kiddie pool that you can do laps in. You ever thought about just throwing that keychain in a drawer and starting your life? I'm thinking about it now. Let's keep this fun train moving along.

Courtney, I could talk with you all night. You're so interesting. Come back, sign up again sometime, will you? Courtney Bagelby, everybody. There she goes. C-Meow, G-L-E-V-Y. On to the next one we go. We have a regular on this show, everybody.

Yes, she shook us all night long. We have a regular on this show, everybody. Yes. She shook us all night long. We have a regular on this show, everyone. We always have had a regular on this show since its inception. He's a very, very exciting man. He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week, so he doesn't get pulled out of the bucket. He just gets it

given to him. We love him. You know him. You love him. Ladies and gentlemen, a modern day icon. A new minute from the great William Montgomery, everyone. Here he comes. Here he comes. A monster. The Brock Lesnar of Kill Tony.

William Montgomery. So I'm pretty excited. I recently found out I related to the 27th president of the United States of America, the man that got us into Vietnam, the man that got us out of the gold standard, the man that discovered the vaccine for rabies. I'm talking about Ralph Martinez.

So I've been playing a bunch of the board game Guess Who recently, and weirdly enough, I've discovered the two best questions to ask are what's your AOL password and is your aunt black? So who is this? Steely Dan or Lil Boosie? That is the curious music critic. Uh, but seriously, Ralph Martinez got us into Vietnam!

He got us off the gold standard! William motherfuckin' Montgomery. He got us off the gold standard. William motherfucking Montgomery. William, William, William. You did it again. I did not know that Ralph Martinez was the 27th president of the United States of America. Did I miss something there? He was, yeah. It was...

Oh, okay. Well, in that case, I believe you. In the late 1950s, Crazy Ralph Martinez, they called him. He was from Wisconsin, had a pretty crazy platform. He was against people learning how to read. He was for people people learning how to read. He was for people investing in their own McDonald's. He was a McDonald's magnate. Ah. A franchisor?

The 27th president of the United States. No, I was a history major. He's right. A lot of people don't know that. Yeah. Martinez, the McDonald's magnate, they used to call him. William, why do you look like you got kicked out of the Masters Golf Tournament and smoked pot for the first time while in the parking lot? Well, weirdly enough, I was with my buddy Cade Wallace in his 01 Green Tahoe.

We decided to try out salvia for the first time I ended up hitting the pipe in the front seat of his car had a really bad time ended up stumbling into the Masters screaming crying hold on where's Lying. Hold on. Where's Ralph Martinez again? I don't get it. Just having fun. Go Tiger Woods, y'all. Let's give it up. Wow. You look like a lot of white people that weekend told you to get off the grass.

Literally, get off the grass. You're not with your uncle, Ralph Martinez, tonight. Now he's your uncle? So, William. William. You're getting caught in your own lies over here, William. You sly dog, you.

So, how's everything been this week since the last time we talked to you? Kirk, you've seen William before, right? No. No? This is your first time? I'm taking it in, man. He's a wild one. He's a master improviser.

He just sort of keeps going. He lies continuously, but we just sort of take it in. He's a professional bullshitter. He's getting butt implants. Kirk, I'll be honest. I loved you in the movie The Living Dead. Is that what it was called? Wow. I don't know, man. This is the movie The Living Dead. Is that what it was called? I don't know, but this is your role.

Always a good way to end a joke. Is that what it's called? After you make up about the 27th president, now you want to be correct about things, William. Yeah, my apologies. I had a hell of a time at the Masters literally this past weekend.

No, you actually weren't at the Masters. That was a joke I made a couple minutes ago. So how's things been? For those of you that don't know, William actually works at a self-storage unit, one of the jobs that you might think that a guy that looks like that would...

Works at it or in it? I literally work inside of it. I work in a 5x10. That's where my computer is. It's a really small space. It's in Atwater Village. I get a bunch of phone calls every day. And I'm yelling at people most days out of the week.

Can you give us an example of what one of those phone calls goes like on your end? Hey, hold on. So what's your name? There you go. Now the phone's ringing. Hey, how's it going? So what are you storing? Do you want Jeremiah to do the other character?

Let's do it. I thought you were just sort of going to roll with it. Hello? Yeah. Hey, how's it going? Good, man. Hey, I'm looking to store some stuff. How much stuff do you have?

I got a lot of stuff. Well, I have a very nice 10 by 20. It doesn't have an air... Hey! Hey, I lost connection with you. I got cut off. I was driving through a tunnel. You were saying something? I have a very nice 10 by 20.

It goes for $3.49 a month. Are you interested? Wow, another. All right. I think we got that one. Hello. Hey, hey. Hey, there's Sugar Hog again.

Sorry about that, man. Sugar Hog. Yeah. Hold on. Is this Ralph? No. Who the hell is Ralph? You sounded a lot like Ralph Martinez. Yeah. Hold on. Is this Ralph? No. Who the hell is Ralph? You sounded a lot like Ralph Martinez.

Oh. That sounded like Ralph Martinez. Hey, sorry. My phone keeps cutting out. So you got a 20 by what? 10 by 20. We also have dogs running around, but it doesn't matter

because you discovered the vaccine for rabies. Are we talking guard dogs? What are we talking here? We're talking guard dogs. I hear them. Hot dogs, corn dogs. Are we talking all that? What's happened?

What is happening? Tony, I'm on my way here. All right, all right. Everybody relax for a second. Everybody relax. On my way here, I saw William on the street, and I offered to give him a ride to the store. And he goes, I literally just got off work right now.

I'm going to eat this Subway and have a beer or seven. Wow. What did you get from Subway? I got a baker's dozen. It's a new sandwich. Wait, you got a what? It's called a baker's dozen. It's a... They put 13 cookies

on a sub sandwich. Covered in mayonnaise, mustard, lettuce, cucumbers, pickles, pepperoncinis, black olives, tomatoes, and tell you you're going to lose weight if you eat one of them a day. Wow. Hey, Teresa, I just want a baker's dozen. Sugar Hog and William want a baker's dozen.

You got a problem with that? Wow, this show is off the rails right now. We still got calls coming in. This is like a goddamn telethon up here hey kill tony telethon hey i lost connection with you sugar hunger can't sorry about that man hey so i'm wanting to buy that sale that you were talking about yeah close the deal william we want to hear what it sounds like when you basically what it comes down to we do competition reports every week i do them specifically and i i'll be quite frank if

you get in a upper level 10 by 20 we're talking buck 99 we're talking that is a hell of a deal if normal places that's probably three four hundred dollars just please store your stuff with me all right i'm sold, brother. Wow, there you go. You sold a self-storage unit. There he is. And with another great minute, you know him, you love him. Make some noise one more time for William Montgomery, everybody.

What do you guys think? Should we go back to the bucket, huh? Let's meet another stranger, shall we? Wow, the phone is still ringing for some reason. I don't understand what's happening. There you go. Brian's amped up over here. He's got his first drink of the night next to him,

and he's pressing buttons like a crazy man. You can't do anything right. There you go. Very good. Very good. All right. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Stephen Stacks, everybody.

Stephen Stacks. There we go. Stephen Stacks. Yo! I'm in Hollywood, baby. How y'all doing? Y'all good? Let y'all know a few things right now. I got a lot of good things going for myself. I got my own cars paid off.

Got my own house, three bedrooms. Electric bill paid. Water bill paid. Cable bill paid. It's all paid for. Gotta love my mom, that's why. I love my mom. So, yeah, man, I'm 28, but my mom treated me like 28 subtracted by 18. Treated me like a little-ass kid.

On my wall, I still got the banner, it's a boy. I ain't even know they still make that shit. But, yeah, I don't know. They still make those. You know, it's a boy, it's a girl. Am I talking to myself or no? Now, see, I moved over to la right and i realized that la is like a it's like a replica grand theft auto grant of dollars like a replica la so i wanted to get granted follow right i go to the video game store i go to game

stop i asked her can i get granted thought she like explained it to me i'm like how you working at a video game store you don't know what the grand theft always so i gotta explain myself uh explain it to me. I'm like, how you working at a video game store you don't know where the Grand Theft Auto is? So now I gotta explain myself. I'm a black guy carrying around golf clubs, fresh scars and sex with hookers. She came back with Tiger Woods PGA Tour. Like, goddamn, thank y'all.

Wow. How you doing? Hell yeah. How's it going? What the fuck? I like that. I like that. I like that. And drift away. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, don't take this the wrong way, but I didn't understand a damn word you said. Man, I only had one minute, dog. I only had one minute, but I did what I could do.

Hell yeah. So you don't normally talk that fast? No, I mean, normally I never had a minute to tell the joke, you know? Can I tell you something? I have never seen anyone look so cool from the neck down. Your head. I'm going to take my glasses off, man. I guess so.

I guess it sort of works. You still look like you really need glasses. You look like the kind of guy that's so, like your head is molded around your glasses over all the years. I get, like, I look like Arsenio Hall. Sometimes I look like Nick Cannon with Chris Tucker. Wow. You look like Urkel and Urkel are still having that inside battle going on.

I got that, too. Y'all look like the fake vampires of the Caribbean, but it's all good. You're making fun of them. They're dressed as characters. You look like that fake male pirates of the Caribbean, but it's all good. You're making fun of them. They're dressed as characters. You look like that all the time, Steven. Brother, we're literally wearing the same thing right now. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Give it up. Give it up. Wow. You're both pirates of the Caribbean So I got my fake My bootleg pleather It's like a Forever 21 I love it, I love it Still don't understand what you're saying

We can hear you As well as you can read things Without those glasses on I'm farsighted. Heck yeah. Farsighted. That helps with the speech. Not far enough.

I tried to crumble everything within a minute. Like that's the first time for me doing it. I normally get like, the less I ever had was like three. So you know. The what? I had like three minutes before. So I had to crumble this all into like 60 seconds. Wow.

I mean imagine. Maybe next time, try to do more in the minute. Maybe that'll help. Maybe don't do less. Just do more, talk faster, and we'll catch up later. You know what I mean? We could play it back. The people listening to the podcast could play it back at a slower rate. Yeah, DJ Marbles.

So let's talk about it, Steven. How long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years. Eight years! Oh my God. How long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years Oh my god How long have you been talking? I started when I was 19, man So good But he squeezed it all into one year Wow

Steven, you from Los Angeles? No, I'm from the DMV, not the Department of Motor Vehicles But DC, Maryland, Virginia Can you just slow that down No I'm from the DMV not the Department of Motor Vehicles But DC, Maryland, Virginia Can you just slow that down so I can hear you You have lines for everything I am from Washington DC I moved over here a year and a half You close with your parents?

Huh? Close with your parents? My mom yeah I used to be close with my dad but it just fell off Who the fuck are you? What is happening? I just went pee for a second. I come back for this fucking shit.

Trying to get you out of my back story. When you say that it fell off with your dad, what do you mean? Do you think maybe he was trying to tell you that he loves you, but you just couldn't understand what he was saying? No, let me put it like this. He's like, I can't understand the words that are coming out of your mouth. You look like your vocabulary teacher told you to get out. I mean, we got to make it do what it do, you know?

But yeah, I'm close with my mom, though, my mom. Yeah, that's important. Family matters. Yeah. Family matters. I get the reference. I get the reference. I get it. They appear closer when you put your glasses on.

Say that again? What was that? They appear closer when you put your glasses on. It doesn't matter. Fuck, that was good, man. Steven, you've been doing stand-up for eight years. How long have you lived in LA? A year and a half. A year and a half. What part of town you live in? Well, now I live in Glendale.

Glendale. Yeah, it's quiet as shit. Hell yeah, quiet. Except for when you're around, right? When you're in a movie theater. When I first came over here, I lived in Crenshaw. Then I lived in North Hollywood. And they're like, yo, get your nerd ass out of here.

Yo, bitch. that I lived in North Hollywood. And they're like, yo, get your nerd ass out of here. Yo. Yo, bitch. Yo, you just a white dude with black skin and white glasses. Get the fuck up out of here. Look at you with a fake ass jacket. Nerds with attitude. Don't be on my jacket, man. NWA.

NWA. I make this jacket look good. You know, it's all about how you rock it. It's all about how you rock it. It's all about how you rock it. I guess so. All right. Jesus, you're scaring me over there. Belief is important.

Hell to the redskins. I only said that because you're the James. I don't know what you're saying. What the fuck? Jesus. Now you're getting some hand movement in there. It's really throwing me. Steven, did you ever get in any trouble when you were living in the Crenshaw area?

Did anybody ever try to get you to do a drive-by, but you ended up shooting everybody in the car with your bad eyesight? Nah. Nah, it never happened like that. I'm good wherever I go. Did you ever go to the Walmart on Crenshaw?

No. Actually, I haven't been to a Walmart in LA, period. Ugh. Really? Where do you get a jacket like that from? Do you listen? I said I got it from Forever 21. You got it from what? Forever 21. You got it from

Forever 21. You got it from Forever 21 Savage. Man, this shit was on sale, man. Joel or Joel Jimenez? Joel got it. The way he's answering these questions is ridiculous. Ask me where I got my jacket. He's doing this vocal thing. Where'd you get your jacket from?

Oh, where'd I get my jacket? Where'd I get my jacket? Where'd I get my jacket? I'ma do that thing. I'ma do that thing. Oh my goodness. How long I been doing this? I'ma do that thing. I'ma do that thing. Oh, my God. How long I been doing stand-up? I'ma do that thing.

Yo, that shit's pleather, my dude. I can tell. I know because I had to find a fake leather jacket today for these characters. You got to have someone with you who's holding up cue cards, man. How long I been doing stand-up? I'ma do that thing. I'ma do that thing. I'ma to have someone with you just holding up cue cards, man. How long have I been doing stand-up? Steven. You're like Kevin No Heart, dude.

You're fake. I'm like Kevin No Heart. Jeremiah Watkins. Sugar Hog. Never mind. Sugar Hog. Steven mind. Sugar Hog. Steven, tell us more about you. Is there anything that we might find interesting about you?

Any fun facts? You seem like you'd be into, like, what? Like, fucking some type of, like, archery? Yeah. What is it? What are you into? What do you like to do for fun? I like to draw. You draw?

Yeah, draw. Not from experience. You're a drone, draw. Not from experience. Draw? Draw! Like, draw. D-R-A-W. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, underwear. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been doing that since I was like three years old. Never no stick figures. Started out with like Looney Tunes. Think of Space Jam.

Like that. Sticker Face Jam. Yep. I said I never started off with stick figures I always drew like I would love to hear his voicemail messages the first 10 seconds what the fuck

is it you on your voicemail is it you or do you have an automated recording no when I got my new phone I didn't get a chance to make my I was so excited there because I was going to call him and just let it go hey I know you're trying to reach me but I'm busy right now Thank you. You have reached the number of... I was so excited there because I was going to call him and just let it go. Yeah. Hey, I know you're trying to reach me,

but I'm busy right now! I got to take a look! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you draw fast? You have reached... 9, 1, 6, 7, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! How fast does he draw? It's funny because you do it. Oh, man. Y'all are funny, man.

What else? So you've been drawing since you were a little kid. How about now? What do you do for fun now? Oh, well, I do stand-up, and I act. Yeah? What do you act? What, a fool?

Well, you know, I do like the... You know, when you move to L.A., you know, the main protocol is drawing central casting and shit. So, you know, I do like the background shit like that. Who the fuck are you? Can we do an acting scene again? Yeah, let's do that. Y'all wanna see that? I'm excited about this. Oh wow, he's getting the crowd hyped up.

Y'all wanna see that? Y'all wanna see that? Do some improv. Wow, this is very exciting. Sugar Hog, do you have any recommendations of what the role should be? Maybe he's coming in to buy a new motorcycle or something like that, or do you have an idea? Maybe it's a love scene, perhaps, some type of a – No, it's an emotional scene.

Yeah. He's my best friend, but he just ran over my dad with his motorcycle, and he's trying to console me. Red Band, pull up something emotional. All right, all right. No, no, no, no. Red Band. Who's soaring home? All right, all right.

Let's give him a little emotional music here. This is going to be a serious scene. We have the great Stephen Stacks, his debut on Kill Tony. I hope he's on every week after this, if you ask me from now on. And Jeremiah Watkins. Wait, no, that's not emotional music, Brian. Come on, give us something. We're going to do this acting scene.

We're going to do this acting scene. It's a real thing. What's the incredible world thing? It's the one. Okay. Let's try something brand new during a live show. Let's see how this goes. Here we go.

Yep. Chakra balancing sounds. He typed in emotional music. If you're wondering what Brian does while he's up here, he typed in the words emotional music and clicked on the first thing that popped up. Even though we have a classic song that is emotional

music that's part of the show. Oh shit. I think it's about to happen. You guys ready to see an emotional scene here? So just a reminder, Stephen ran over Sugar Hog's best friend, was it? It's my dad.

Oh, it was his dad on a motorcycle. How well do we know each other? Very well. Since childhood. Since childhood. You guys used to draw together. I got you. We bought jackets at the same place.

Right. All right. Here he goes. All right. And action. Hey, Sugar Hawk, man. Man, I don't even know how to tell you this, bro, because it's hurting me from the bottom of my heart, man.

Bro. I'm sensing some bad news is coming. Bro. Bruh I'm sensing some bad news is coming Bruh I don't know how to tell you man Every time your voice goes up Something bad is about to happen Alright I'm just Keeping a hundred with you When I borrowed your motorcycle

Your dad got in my way. And I hit him. I'm sorry, bro. He was like my father, too. Wait, wait, wait. How bad? How bad is this? He's gone, man.

Fuck! Fuck! He's gone, man. I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry, bro. I tell you, it's like my father, too, man. I'm sorry. I didn't know it was him. I didn't know it was him, dog. I didn't know it was him. I didn't know it was him, dog. I didn't know.

If this is real, you better tell this to my brother. Get in here. Wow. I have a feeling the brother already heard it but okay did you just hear what Stephen said I didn't hear nothing man

what happened you didn't hear anything you were really upset right outside my room just a second ago I thought you heard it through the wall or something. I could have swore that... Johnny. Johnny.

Johnny. I ran over your dad. What the fuck, man? I didn't know it was him, Johnny. Why the hell did you fuck, man? I didn't know it was him, man! I didn't know it was him, man! I didn't know it was him, man! I'm sorry! You upset Johnny!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, the cops! The 5-0! What the fuck? Let me tell you something. No, no, no, no, no, no. This motherfucker tried to run me over. Oh, fuck! I thought you were dead!

I ain't done with you! Take him the fuck out! I ain't done with you, man! Let's dump him out. There you go. And we did it. There you go. How about one more time for Stephen Stacks, everybody?

Some incredible acting, Stephen. Really, really talented. That's how you do it in the pros right there. That's an episode of Kill Tony Live. Did you guys have fun tonight? There he. That's an episode of Kill Tony Live. Did you guys have fun tonight? There he is, Stephen Stack's Kill Tony debut. Hey, look at this drawing from Ryan Shea Ebelt. That's incredible.

Look at that. How about a hand, ladies and gentlemen, for the great and powerful Kirk Fox? How about one more time for Sugar Hawk, the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. And don't forget, the new Reagan and Watkins album is coming out soon, June 7th. Comedy Dynamics, it's going to be available everywhere, all around everything where you can download music. Yeah, follow me on social media at JeremiahStandUp.

And I just want to say I'm super excited to embark on this Kill Tony summer tour with the crew. That's right. It's a really big deal. We're going everywhere. How about a... Oh, and Tony, on June 6th, June 6th, night of when this album comes out, the Reagan and Watkins album, we're doing an album release party here in the main room of the Comedy Store.

So come out to that June 6th, Thursday night. Oh, very cool. an album release party here in the main room of the Comedy Store. So come out to that June 6th Thursday night. Oh, very cool. Album release party. How about another hand for sitting to his right, the great Chroma Chris, everyone. We got to see some of those acting chops there at the end. Chroma, what do you think of tonight's episode?

I laughed so much I could hardly breathe. Nailed it. This guy sweated bullets earlier. Put his job up on the line for you people. How about another hand for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, huh? Joel Berg's on all social media sites at Mostly Sorry. Anything else, Joel? I'm going to shout out to Ludwig, as always. Thank you to all the sponsors. Thanks for the free stuff. Love you, Tate Fletcher.

Thanks for Cape Man Coffee. Love you guys. Amazing. We're all going to La Jolla next Sunday for two sold-out shows. Then we go to Phoenix, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, and New York, New York. This was a fun episode tonight. Brian Redband. Thanks a lot, guys.

See you later. Thank you so much, live audience. We'll see you guys next time. Good night. Thank you.みんな 高めてしまいましょうファンのスタイルバス ファンの秋は歌って踊ろう 最悪は僕だけの It's my day

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