KILL TONY - KILL TONY #341

Episode Date: May 1, 2019

William Montgomery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 04/28/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to all the shows. You can click on tour dates. Not only are we doing Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store, but we're on the road. We're about to start this huge world tour. The next one is Phoenix, Arizona. That's right.

We're returning to Phoenix. Also, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Utah, Boise, Idaho, Spokane, Washington, Portland, Oregon, Vancouver, and Seattle, Washington. Go to DeathSquad.tv. Click on tour dates to find the entire list of this world tour. Again, that's DeathSquad.tv, click on Tour Dates. Also, you can check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony. And Ryan J. Ebelt, he draws every episode.

He drew the Kill Tony book and the new poster. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he draws every episode. He drew the Kill Tony book and the new poster. Go to ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. You have the Kill Tony shirt. Well, there's only a couple left. And you also have Death Squad hats and thermals and mugs.

Go to shopsquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony Hey this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Store La Jolla for a brand new episode of Kill Tony give it up for Tony it's Clint. La Jolla makes some fucking noise. We're live.

Here we are. Brian Redband's here, everybody. We're back in La Jolla. The first place we ever took Kill Tony on the road about five and a half years ago. And we are back, finally. How many of you were at that show years ago, huh? Look at that. We're not very good at retaining fans on this show.

Normally people only like us for about a month and then they're done. No, just kidding. You know, fun fact about that episode is Jeremiah was a guest. He wasn't even on the show at that point. He was just a special guest. I remember specifically he wasn't even that happy with his appearance on the show that night. He's like, oh, I couldn't really find my hoodie.

I couldn't really like, you know, look at him fucking now, right? Jeremiah, one of the stars on the show that night. He's like, oh, I couldn't really find my hoodie. I couldn't really, like, you know, and look at him fucking now, right? Jeremiah, one of the stars of this show. Exciting to be back here. We fucking love La Jolla. It's nice to be able to, you know, make a nice little couple-hour drive from where we are based out of Los Angeles. You guys excited about this, La Jolla, California?

This is a special place. This is different than a lot of places. This is going to be a fun show for those of you listening from around the world. La Jolla is famously a very rich, successful city. You would not know it by looking at this audience that is

here tonight. This looks like some type of fire festival airport holding tank or something like that. We have an angry lady over here refusing to smile. There you go, sweetheart. Let it out.

Hey, the great Ryan J. Ebelt is here, ladies and gentlemen. there he is. Wow. Isn't that a special treat? He draws every single episode of this show while you guys all sit there enjoying yourself.

He's there and he actually has amazing prints available for sale, uh, right after the show. So if anybody's interested in that, you can get sit there enjoying yourself. He's there, and he actually has amazing prints available for sale right after the show. If anybody's interested in that, you can get it. You can get it signed. I also brought a bunch of Death Squad shirts, which I never do. Ooh, la la, Death Squad shirts. We got Kill Tony shirts. Jeremiah has some merch, and we're going to be selling this stuff

all around the country, too, because the world tour continues. A couple weeks, we're in Phoenix, Arizona, Las Vegas, Nevada, Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Nebraska, Des Moines, Iowa, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, New York, and then New York, New York, which, little breaking news for you. Guess what, New York? We absolutely, positively sold out of the New York show. Wow. Oh, my God. And we've added another show there. So we're going to be doing two shows that night at the Gramercy Theater. That is, ka-ting, breaking news. There you go. Very good. Yes. Oh, we're starting strong here tonight. I'm excited about all these world travels that we're doing.

And this Monday, we're back in L.A. with, of course, Nick Swartzen. And we're doing two shows here tonight, live from La Jolla. And that's a really big deal. And I'm excited about it. Of course, as always, with all of our road episodes, there's never a guest. You're always lucky if you get a bandmate or two on the road, you know what I mean? Maybe if you're lucky. But you know what? Who's luckier than beautiful La Jolla, California? 72 degrees and sunny every single day and uh and we have a band we have a band that has

come with us here tonight and uh you know them as the best damn band in the land every single episode they get into a different character maybe it's a brand new character that we've never seen before maybe it's the return of some of the legendary characters shanks the prisoner feminist stacy and crew anything can. Let's see what they are tonight, shall we? Ladies and gentlemen, it is the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Wow. Wow. Oh, look at this. Wow. Wow. Oh, look at this.

Wow. Holy shit. Chroma Chris is here drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon. They are the white trash guys. We've seen this before. This is incredible. Wow. Jeremiah Watkins looking like Theo Vaughn on steroids.

This is mind-blowing. My goodness. Did I mention we're going to be in Lawrence, Kansas, in Omaha, Nebraska on this tour? Because, wow. That's God's country, man. Wow. Look at this. We have Jeremiah Watkins looking great.

We have Chroma Chris, who looks like some type of transgender Harley Davidson. The name's Jesse? Jesse Mollett. Jesse Mollett. Oh, wow. And who are you, band leader? I'm Dave Gunther with Sylvia. Wait, what?

What was that name? Dave Gunther. Dave Gunther. I don't want to forget that. And what is this little... What's up with your bangs? My goodness. I feel like this is what JonBenet looked like while she was being strangled.

It's all red in my face. Got that Terry Shivo haircut. I don't get the references. Did you cut that? I guess... Alright, forget it. My mama cut that hair I mean, well, I guess, all right, forget it. My mama cut that hair, so you better shut your mouth, boy. What is your name, you sweet little thing?

My name is Travis Plow. Travis Plow? That's right. All right, Travis Plow. They locked me out of the motorhome. I got a bit of a tan. Wow, yeah. You look sunburnt as fuck yeah it's incredible little reminder uh uh

they uh the comedy store emergency exits are on both sides the back left and the back right and your entrance point tonight there's only one of them don't try to be funny by jumping on stage over somebody's fucking table uh come right over here on the right-hand side, right behind, right in the middle of between the band. And then you're on stage. If your name gets pulled out of the bucket, then you have 60 seconds on this stage. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

Wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry Pacific Beach Bear. Heck yeah. And don't forget the new Reagan and Watkins album is out June 7th. Available everywhere. It's a really big deal. Can't wait for that. Both of them two Kill Tony favorites.

And so yeah. You know how the show works. You get 60 uninterrupted seconds to do stand-up. Maybe it's somebody's first time. Maybe it's the return of someone... Maybe it's the return of someone that... Man, are we having a stroke up here? What the hell is going on right now?

Tony, can I give a shout-out to my brother right here? He's right here sitting with the long hair in the middle. Go ahead, stand on up. That's my brother right there. Oh, that guy right there. Oh, wow. Look at that. Wow.

Look at that pile of trash. That's incredible. Is that the guy that shot up the Jewish synagogue last night? Who is this guy? You had to be here. It's a San Diego reference. Only one dead, two injured. Come on, people.

Are you guys in this? Is it too early to make jokes like this? San Diego, I love you so much. You know, this is actually the place where I did my first ever paid comedy gig, doing a five-minute spot almost 12 years ago, and this place is very special to me. So when I found out we were bringing Kill Tony back here, I figured, why not make it super special? So before we actually start tonight's show, why don't we, as true patriots and good Americans, have a little rendition of the national anthem from one of my favorite human beings

who was able to physically make it here today. You know her as an icon on this show. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and only Aphrodite! Wow, look at this. Look at this. Wow. In the flesh, ladies and gentlemen.

Come on, one more time. It's the real Aphrodite. Hello, hello. There we go. There we go. Hello, you sweet fuckers. All right, let me hear that, Chris. Oh, say can you see By the dawn's early light, what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?

Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight. Oh, the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming. And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there Oh, say does and all the free And the home of the brave the parade yeah let's fucking go thank you showtime

ladies and gentlemen yeah there she is the queen bee afro motherfucking dighty everybody come on she got on a motherfucking Amtrak to be here with you today.

All right. Here we go. Enough said. Your first comedian going up tonight. You guys ready to start this fucking bitch? Oopsie. 60 seconds. Uninterrupted. Goes to Giovanni Pena, everybody. Giovanni.

Giovanni. Giovanni. Here he comes, Giovanni Pena. Uh-oh. Nope. One more time for Giovanni Pena, everyone. How you guys doing? I signed up as a joke, really, but here I am.

So I'm from San Diego, L.A., actually. I signed up as a joke really, but here I am. I'm from LA actually, and I live in San Diego now. I grew up in LA most of my life. I tried living in Tijuana just because of the cheaper rent, But I don't know Spanish. I know I look like I know Spanish, but I never learned. So how I dealed with living over there is I basically just put on a hearing aid and pretended I was deaf. So when people just talk Spanish to me,

they would be mad most of the time because I didn't know Spanish, and they thought I was lying to them. So I just came up with this idea. So this really helped. So they felt sympathetic to me. There you go, Giovanni. There you go. Giovanni, get your ass back up here.

Get your ass back up here. Get your ass back up here. So, Giovanni, do you know this show at all? Have you ever seen it? Have you ever heard it? My friend over here, he brought me. But I saw you at Joe Rogan on 420. Right.

Fuck yeah, you did. So, you saw me do stand-up. You came to a different show that I host. You were here, man. So I heard. I was like, all right. All right. You're in.

And then you get here, and they're like, oh, if you want to sign up, it's over there. And you're just like, okay. Yeah? Was that bad? Well, I don't know. Honestly, my guess is that you'll probably have one of the best sets of the night when the smoke clears. You got a couple laughs in there. It was pretty good.

What the fuck are you doing with that microphone? Giovanni, this is the problem that you're going to find in life when you sign up for shit that you don't know what the fuck you're signing up for. Let's check in with Dave Gunther over here. Yeah, can I just say there's something I don't like about this guy, and I don't think it's his comedy. Come on, man. Yeah, Tony. Can't put my finger on him, man. I was going to say, judging by the way you look,

this isn't the first time you've been randomly selected. There you go. There you go. Yeah, dude. Woo! Motherfucking Joel Berg is already warmed up. Holy shit. That little Steph Curry from the deep spot.

Goddamn, goddamn. Come on, Larry Bird, man. Larry Bird. Wow. So, Yovani, let's talk about, Come on, Larry Bird, man. Larry Bird. Wow. So, Yovani, let's talk about, since you don't know anything about this show, I got bad news for you. We're going to talk about your personal life now.

Yovani, what do you do for work? I'm a welder. A router? A welder. A welder? Wow, you don't speak Spanish or English. That's incredible. Soladura. A welder. Soladuraer? Wow, you don't speak Spanish or English. That's incredible. Soladura. A welder.

Soladura. I learned that. Okie dokie, whatever the fuck. Alright. Yeah, I'll take two California burritos, please. What the fuck are you talking about? How long have you been a welder your whole life? Two years. Two years. What'd you do before that?

I worked in retail. Yeah? What were you selling in retail? I sold washers, dryers at Sears. Wow. Washers and dryers at Sears. I moved up from

the shoe department up to selling washers and dryers. Wow, look at you. You hear that, kids? Moving on up to a deluxe apartment in America.

I love it. So, Yovani, what's your love life like, man? You got a girl. You got the, Yovani looks like someone that was told that the only true American is DJ Khaled or something like that. Man. Like posters, yes. Man, he looks like if ISIS had a boy band.

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, exactly. The Brown Street Boys, perhaps. Bye, bye, bye. See you later, man. What would that boy band be called? 9-11 Degrees or something like that? It's the beard. If I shave, I'll look more Mexican.

It's also your skin color. Yeah. The beard and the skin color. Very good observation. Well, Yovani, I mean, I'm going to tell you something. You didn't know what the fuck you were getting into, but instead of just... A lot of people do that.

You know, we've had a lot of bozos lately. They're like, I didn't even know what I was here for. And then they're fucking up here. But they don't have the right positive attitude to fucking get through the motions, and it's just annoying for us and the show, but there's something about you. You know, you stayed in the pocket. You ended up

getting fucking real jokes out there at some point. It was sort of honest. Yeah, he was being honest about talking about, you know, not being able to fucking talk, and it made sense. You got laughs. And then in the interview part, even though you wanted to get the fuck out of here for your life,

you stayed up there with a smile on your face and you took it like a fucking whatever you are. So I'm going to get you out of here. There he goes. Giovanni Pena, everybody. Maybe we should talk more about not signing your friends up. And if you don't know the show, don't sign up. Well, I mean, it's interesting to me because it's an anomaly.

I feel like when the more recent episodes come out, more people hear them, it's like people will be like, oh, I get it. I'm a big enough fan to sign my friends up, but I'm such a big fan that I also know that that's a horrible idea. It's like a fine line. It barely works. Also, if you're sitting next to him, please report any unattended packages. Yeah.

It definitely doesn't work. That is a good point. For those of you listening that think that when you get here, oh, some dude signed his wife up the other night and I stole her soul from her. So just don't do it. Yeah. This looks like an interesting name. It seems like it could be like a real comedian.

It's a comedy name. Put your hands together for Ron Ripley, everyone. Ron Ripley. Wow, that is. Wow, look at this. He looks like a Ron Ripley. Here he is, Ron Ripley. Hello?

Hello? Ron Ripley. Hello? Let's start. All right. Hey, how you guys doing? My name's Ron fucking Ripley. And let me see.

Spent Easter with my family, and my father gave me some fatherly advice, pulled me aside, said, Son, let me tell you something. If you give a man a fish, you only feed him for a day. But if you teach that man to fish son then you can fuck that man's wife while he's out fishing remember that nobody liked my dad but he had a lot of fishing buddies you know went to Legoland recently to return some toys and found out the hard way that if you're a 37-year-old man

walking around Legoland with a big smile on your face but no child with you, people get fucking judgy. It's really bad. I don't like it. It made me uncomfortable, too, so I beat Legoland at their own game. Next time I went down there, I just brought a child I was molesting with me. They let me ride inside, no questions asked. That it? I think that's about my time. Thank you guys so much. I've been Ron Ripley.

There you go. Back from that ledge, my friend. So, Ron, let's talk about it. This is a big transition for us. We went from 9-11 to Fahrenheit 9-11. The great

young Michael Moore is here, everybody. Either that or Hannah Gadsby from the Netflix special Nanette. This is incredible. You look like a giant lesbian. I've said that to a great many people. Probably my most used line in the show's history. But you, my friend,

with even that new facial hair, because they have medicine for that. You know what I mean? It's coming in. Lesbians have... Jesus, shut the fuck up. What the hell was that? Hello, Ron. Hello.

You work here at the Comedy Store. I do. You're a Comedy Store employee. I do. And your real name is Ron Ripley? Absolutely, 100%. Believe it or not, I love that. Shut up, Joel.

Take it easy back there, hairdo. Stupid. Ron, how long have you worked here at the Comedy Store La Jolla? I've been here just over a year and I've been doing comedy about three and a half years. Comedy about three and a half years. And how long have you been a softball coach?

My whole life. Wow. Ron, what do you do for fun when you're not working here at the comedy store doing stand-up? What else? What are some fun hobbies for you? I coach a lot of softball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no. Tell the truth. No, but I just

go to school, go to SDSU, so that takes up a lot of my time. You what? San Diego State. Oh, yeah? What are you studying there? I study meeting and event management. Meeting and event management. Meeting and event management. Couldn't you just get a job at like Holiday Inn and do that for free?

You don't have to. You can, actually. That's what you're supposed to do. The program gets 20-year-old girls to sell ballroom space at the Radisson to pharmaceutical conventions all over their country.

It's not really my gig, but hey, you know, you meet a lot of lesbians. I'm going to introduce you to a website called Craigslist. It's not really my gig, but hey, you meet a lot of lesbians. I'm going to introduce you to a website called Craigslist. It's going to change your life. You don't need no calls for that, man. Meeting and event management. Yeah, yeah.

You have a girlfriend? Married. Married? Married, man. Wow. Geez. Yeah, I'm not happy about it either. Yeah, you seem really sad.

Oh, it's... Can you tell us more about this marriage? How long have you known her for? We've been together for 10 years. Whoa. Oh, God. She thinks it's like the notebook. How old are you?

How old do you think I am? Oh, are you a 21-year-old girl? Because that's who... If I am, I'm killing it. 21 and a half, Tony. Now that you ask like that question. If I am, I'm killing it. 21 and a half, Tony. Now that you ask like that, yeah, I'm pretty sure. I'm legal. No, I'm 37.

37. You've been with this girl for 10 years. 10 years. Where did you meet her at? Right here. She's from Bird Rock. She grew up here. Went to La Jolla High School.

She's from where? Bird Rock. The circle's right over there. You've got to drive through it. You speak fucking better than the Mexican kid? I mean worse than the Mexican kid that was up here earlier. I can barely understand anything you're saying, Ron. So you met in Palo Alto.

Met in Palo Alto. Burbank, right. No, it's from Bird Rock, which is right there. Bird Rock. Bird Box. Very good. Sandra Bullock. Your wife is Sandra Bullock from the hit movie Bird Box.

I got it now. What does she do for work? She works at the zoo. She works at the zoo? Wow, what is she, one of the pigs? Nope. Oh. I don't know.

I'm just trying to have some fun here. What does she do at the zoo? She. Dave, where do at the zoo? She... Dave, where do you want none of that mic going? Man, call another man's wife a pig, man. That ain't right, man. Man, that's our N-word, man. You don't say that, dude.

Also, the N-word is our N-word. What are we doing? Woo! La Jolla goes crazy at any joke about the N-word. That is their bread and butter right there. What do you want me to say to that? I like, you know, call my wife a pig. I like working, so you can't ask a man.

Right. So what does she do at the zoo, Ron? She asks rich people for money. She asks rich people for money. People that can donate like $5 million. Hey, if you donate $5 million, I'll make sure you get to see the tiger trail when it opens up. She gets donations. This is a non-profit.

I got a question. Yeah. Is there any reason why you don't wear a wedding ring? Ooh. Oh, shit. It's a very good question. It's a good question. I get hit on a lot less when I wear a wedding ring, so that's my thing.

Wait a second. Hold on. Wow, Joel. You've just found gold, my friend. What? I like, you know. Stop, stop. Relax.

Listen to me. And that gold is not around his finger. So you're saying that you get hit on less when you have when you have it off. Right, because if women know that this is available, they stay the fuck

away from it. Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. How many women have hit on you with a wedding ring on? Like, total. Like, on one hand, show me how many women have hit on you with a wedding ring on? Like, total. Like, on one hand, show me how many women have hit on you with a wedding ring on. What?

I don't know. If you had to guess. If you had to throw a number out here for these people. Let's say we were on a live fucking show right now. For the sake of the live show, 38. 38 women have hit on you in the past 10 years. Yeah, I like to keep trying. With a wedding ring on.

Lady, can you say that one more time? There's women yelling bullshit, for those of you listening to the podcast. 38 women. Wow. You really think that? So about one every couple months or so? Yeah, it's got breaking hearts. Do you have the wedding ring on you by any chance?

No. I want to see what happens. I want to see if you put like some Lord of the Rings shit where he just puts the ring on and just went... What's your name? Wow, Ron Ripley. So cool. Ron Ripley.

The real story is I rolled an ATV and I shattered my hand and they had to cut the wedding ring off because like a dumbass I was out there in an off-roading vehicle and it pinched it. It was the size of a grapefruit. You haven't gotten a new one. Oh, how convenient. The real answer is...

It's boring. For the rest of the show, just give us the real answer as the first answer. Some people try to second city this shit up here and Red Band, what do you think about this guy? Anything about this guy? I don't fucking know.

I don't know what's going on. I'm pretty sure he's the guy that sat everybody here tonight. Everybody like your seats, huh? There you go. Ron, they fucking love you. They love you. There he is, Ron Ripley, everybody. Wow.

Don't jump off that ledge, my friend. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian. Colton Harpy. Colton Harpy. Colton Harpy. Here he comes. Wow. Wow.

Wow, we're just doing the whole staff of the comedy store. All right. Colton Harpy. Anyone here like Jackanoff? Any big J.O. fans of that? Yeah, I recently got into a relationship, so those days are over. And my girlfriend, she is Mexican.

Thank you. Which means I'm a stepfather now. Mexican. Thank you. Which means I'm a stepfather now. Kind of comes as a package deal. And, you know, I wouldn't mind her son so much, but he's always

asking for rides places and for money and for food, and it's like, Jesus Christ, I know he's only five years old, but when are you going to get your shit together, man, you know? Like, we've all been down to the border, okay? We know what kids are capable of at five years old. Am I right?

So, yeah, as you can tell by now, I work with children at an elementary school. And I'm thinking about writing my own book. It's going to be called The Things You'll Do for Pussy. It's going to be a pop-up book. The middle might be Scratch and Sniff. Who knows? Alright, that's my time. Thank you, guys.

There you go. Colton Harpy. Alright. Colton, your head does not match your body. I know. There's something going on here. There's something weird. I mean, what is going on?

What is that? How do you do that? Did you like figure out, did you like fucking Tony Stark this shit and just figure out like a chemical requirement so that you could just fucking do math and get buff at the same time? I've been trying to figure something.

There's no even balance. So you work out a lot? I try to, yes. My goodness. What, you skip neck and head day? Oh, wow. A little delayed Joelberg there. Yes, I'm going to check in with Dave Gunther.

Yeah, does it bother you how much you work out and your eyes will always be weak? Heck yeah. I like the Mexican stuff. Keep it up. Thank you, thank you. Why don't you wear contacts? I always forget they're in.

I used to wear them and I'd rub my eye, and they just... That's what your girlfriend says. There's a place across the street called Mathnasium, and you look like you run the entire thing. Can I tell you that? It's like a gymnasium for math. I just can't get over it. I mean, your head is so nerdy.

You have the face, pure nerd face. I know, I know. I'm trying to find... I mean, I want to know nerdy. You have the face, pure nerd face. I know, I know. I want to know, how many times did you get bullied until you decided you're going to become the bully? Did you get the girl at the end of the movie? I'm still writing the movie. Oh, I love it, I love it.

You keep breaking typewriters with those hands? Do you keep breaking typewriters with those hands? Is it true? Do you break typewriters with those hands? I just try to type with my fist. You are a Comedy Store employee, clearly. You are on the other post, the other back door. I still got the guy that didn't know what the fuck the show was out ahead by a little bit so far in this show.

Just by a touch. Colton Ed Jokes, how long have you worked here at the Comedy Store? I've been here about three months now. Three months. What were you doing before that? I actually did work with kids. I worked at an elementary school and then I worked with, I was a behavioral therapist

working with kids of special needs. Jesus. Behavioral therapist. Special needs. What are we... Whoa, put a wedding ring on this guy. This guy's going to get some pussy tonight. What kind of special needs did they have?

What was some of their... Learning behavior issues. Red their... Learning behavior issues. Red band. Learning behavior issues? What does that mean? Like, on a scale from one to derp, what are we talking about here? Just, uh...

Some of them were pretty derp. Some of them were pretty, uh... I'm not the one who said it. Wow, they don't like it when you say it. I can say it. Yeah, dude. You're coming off like a real derp bag right now, man. Fucking Joe Derp over here.

So, Colton... I keep thinking he's going to unzip his body into a skinnier version of himself. So Colton, you've been working at the comedy store for three months. Have you been doing stand-up for longer? Yeah, I actually... You've been doing push-ups way longer than that, man. I started... I'm originally from Connecticut.

I started a few years ago. I did a workshop in New York at Gotham, which kind of got my confidence going and everything, which still isn't there much, but... Wow, geez, wow. Tough on the outside. We're working on it, you know. Soft on the inside.

We're working on it. Be honest with you, at the gym, I'm the man, but here, not so confident. My goodness, Colton. And is there any proper explanation for why you're so huge in the arms? Yeah. What happened? Do you only have a chin-up bar or something like that?

No. Growing up, I was a huge wrestling fan, and it motivated me to start working. I actually wanted to be a wrestler growing up. Wow. And then like uh you know what i'm just gonna try to be funny if you were going to uh have a wrestling character do you ever picture what yours would be like what your angle would be good guy bad guy what would you think i'd be a bad guy yeah yeah you have any idea what like you would you would create a character like what would it what it would be like the fucking i'd focus on my head Like the mean substitute teacher or something like that? Yeah, I would just be like...

You fuckers ready to learn? Pick up your smart bells. Did you ever think of anything, Colton? Did you ever have any ideas? No, it never got to that. I just made a genius joke, you retards. Pick up your smart bells? Smart bells instead of dumbbell, retard.

Oh, smart bells. Very good. Very good. Very good. Smart bells. Yes. There you go. Brilliant. Brilliant.

Brilliant, Dave Gunther. Very good. I can't believe I missed that. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Oh, God, that's a dumb one. All right. Well, Colton, congrats on working here. You know, working

at the comedy store is a fucking big deal. It opens up the possibility of one day getting transferred up to the comedy store up in Hollywood. And there's a lot of tradition and everything involved with that. So I'm excited to see you down the road. We'll always have this to laugh about. Colton Harpy, everyone. There he goes. There you go.

There he goes. You guys having fun out there? That is true, right? That's what all those guys that work here, they all try to make it into Hollywood. They never go the other way. No, there's some greats up there. A lot of greats have come from down here.

Bobby Lee was originally a La Jolla Comedy Store employee. Brian Moses. Brian Moses, the creator of the hit show Rose Battle, is from right here. He was an employee here when I. And Rene. Yeah, Rene Lancaster. All right. Alberto David Mercado, you have been chosen.

Alberto David Mercado, everybody. One more time. What's up, everybody? Hell yeah, hell yeah. My parents are immigrants from Mexico, and when they got to this country, they worked their asses off, they became American citizens,

and now they're living the American dream, guys. They hired a Mexican cleaning lady. We made it, y'all! And I don't really understand why some people want to deport the Mexicans. If we deport the Mexicans, who the fuck's gonna cook all the Chinese food? And growing up Latino, I feel like that makes me more accepting of people that are transgender. Yeah, because my mom has a thicker mustache than my dad. I get it, guys. I do. And the older I get, the more Mexican I become, I swear.

I got to put hot sauce or salsa on everything that I eat, especially white women. Thank you, guys. Booyah. That's how you do it in the pros right there. Beautiful, perfect set by Alberto David Mercado. Absolutely nailing it. You've been doing this a few years, huh? Eight months.

Eight months? Wow. Jesus fucking Christ. Look at you. But I'm a nerd, and I did speech and debate and shit like that. Say that again? I'm a nerd, and I did speech and debate in high school and in college. I feel like it helps a little bit.

Wow. Fuck yeah. That's incredible. Thank you. You're like if the guy that went on first got his life together. Ha. Look, Tony, I shaved the beard, I took speech classes, and now I'm serious about this.

Fuck yeah! You remember me from my first time when I was in La Jolla with you. No bullshit, I was super nervous, man. And I was like, I got to be prepared. Just now you were super nervous. No, the whole fucking day it was like... Wow, look at you. Look at that.

And you fucking... Look at you. Hell at that. And you fucking look at you. Hell yeah. If you ever need another Mexican, I mean, let me know, man. You don't know how to play drums,

do you? No, no, no. But I can help with sound and video and all that bullshit. No, he just looks like one. I work for free, too. Wow.

I'll have a Spanish off with him, though. Whoa. What's a Spanish? Whoa. Nobody wants to hear it. V with him, though. Whoa. What's a Spanish? Whoa. Nobody wants to hear it. Vamanos. Sorry.

Wow. Man, you were the wrong show, brother. Wow. So Alberto David Mercado. Am I saying that correctly? What do you do for a living? I'm a substitute teacher. Substitute teacher?

Wow. On a level. Ah, caramba. I'm a substitute teacher. Substitute teacher? Wow. On a level... Ah, caramba. Do you specialize in anything in particular when you're substitute teaching?

No, right now just subbing to pay the bills. I do anything from kindergarten to high school. Heck yeah, you're just fucking substitute slut. You'll just fucking... You'll take on anything just fucking at any point. Seriously. Right? I like it

What do you have a preference? Do you like the older kids or the younger kids? Like what are we talking about? Like what's your favorite age to substitute teach? You could tell us by the number Or you could tell us which part in the Michael Jackson HBO documentary Or just say Los Chiquitos Oh shit

I don't know how to navigate this one. This is a very Spanish-friendly episode of Kill Tony. We are miles away from Tijuana, and it shows. Fuck. I don't have a preference, but I do realize I've been doing it for a while. Yeah, tell us more, you big fucking baby. Fuck! I don't like kindergartners, man.

You don't? I don't. Why? Tell us why. Their teeth get in the way? Hopefully I don't get my... They're not developed yet? Dude, little kindergartner, I can't even fit this in your butthole, dude.

This thing's so goddamn tight, I can only get my pinky in there. I don't know why I make you so... If anyone's tiring after this, I'll be looking for a job, guys. Oh, there you go. There you go. You look like you also like subs at the sandwich shop as well. I do. Is that what you mean by a sub?

All right. Why don't you like kindergarteners? They're like little humans with no brains at all and they're operating and running around. Aren't they fun

and adorable and cute to play with? You don't have to worry about getting stabbed or something? It gets old real quick. And it's just like they're mindless.

You gotta do everything for them and you gotta watch them and keep them safe because they'll just You have to wash them. You got to do everything for them. And you got to watch them, keep them safe. You have to wash them? You sure about that? Watch them.

Because they'll do gnarly shit. They'll just grab scissors and fucking poke that kid. Wow. Oh, dude. Wow. So that's what you do. You're a substitute teacher. Do you wait to get the call that day? Do they usually give you a little warning?

How does that work? It depends. Sometimes they'll literally give you like a day's notice. Sometimes it's a longterm thing. So you'll have like three days, you know? So let's say, cause I used to be fucking,

I mean, I know you guys have a tough job and I was one of those guys. I mean, I just fuck. I was, Oh, substitute teachers were just the Joker to my Batman. And,

uh, and, uh, so can you give us an example of a time that you had some older kids and they were real assholes to you? You come in with the TV

and the VCR just like, all right, hey, look at me, I'm a fucking, look at me, I'm a chubby douchebag. Come on, kids,

you're gonna fucking love me. Right? What happened? Believe it or not, it sounds fucking bullshit, but I do try to use humor and comedy to break up the tension.

Can you give us an example of that? How can I reach these kids? Stand and deliver, fool. Hey, Mr. Mercado, you're fat, eh? That's exactly what happens. What would you say to me if I was, hey, Mr. Mercado, you're fat? I'm like, yeah. You look like Peter Griffin.

Like, I am fat, and you better watch out, because you'll be just like me. I don't know, man. Oh. Is there a time that you ever had to own a kid in the classroom or something? You know what I mean? Any time where they didn't want to play with your sense of humor, that they went a little bit harder,

they get in trouble or something? Meanest thing anybody's ever said to you while you were substitute teaching? You're fat. Really? That's it? Yeah, it's easy. They didn't call you like a fat bitch or anything? They just said you're fat? Mr. Mercado, nice tits. The meanest thing

someone said to me was a kid in special ed, he's like, yo, Mr. Mercado, you got some man titties. Wait, this kid was in special ed? Damn. Where is this kid? Let's sign him up for the show. He went first. And this little kid in special ed, he sounds like a rapper or something.

Yo, Mr. Mercado, you You goddamn man titties, though. Loki, might as well have been. Wow, I mean, dude, you had such a fucking great set. You seem like a really smart dude, and you're putting it together. You ever come here? You come here often to the open mics and whatnot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You live close to here?

Sort of. Lemon Grove's like 45 minutes away. You live in a place called Lemon Grove? Yeah. That is the most Mexican shit I've ever heard in my life. Fuck yeah! Wow. Wow. Oh!

The stage is gonna break! Wow. This guy's fucking representing. This guy just did a full Mexican dance. I think, honestly, we need to build that wall. That was... We got to contain this man right here. Oh, my God.

This guy's having the fucking time of his life. I love it. I don't think we've ever had anybody just get right into the Mexican hat dance like that. I've never seen that. You got to be ready, though. I love your spirit, dude. I love it. You have the

spirit of a guy much, much lighter than you. And you fucking crushed it here tonight, dude. I'm rooting for you. I'm going to remember you. It's Alberto David Mercado, everyone. Alberto David Mercado.

Catch fever. Boink. This is fun. This is exciting. There's a lot of names in there. Yeah, there's a lot of names. If you get pulled out of this one, you can't do the second show.

I've already decided. There's an outrageous number of door guys that have already gotten pulled out of this bucket. And if those guys get pulled up again, I'm going to fucking kill myself. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Derek Mann. Derek Mann.

Derek. Uh-oh. He's got your mustache. Hell yeah. Come on. Uh-oh. Oh, he's got your mustache. Hell yeah. Come on. Good and loud for Derek Mann, everybody. Thank you. So, this mustache says a lot for me. I often think what people think when they see this.

This mustache says, I enjoy working with pallet. but specifically specifically pallet with reclaimed barn door hardware that's what gets me off this mustache no no no no wait wait wait

you keep going Derek man you keep going you fucking go until you're done these fucking this table of fucking dog the bounty hunter's cousins over here. Shut the fuck up. Alright? You guys probably didn't have the fucking balls to sign up and now you want to make fun of this guy just because of the way

he looks, so shut the fuck up. Ladies and gentlemen, Derek Mann. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This mustache says everything that I can't say. Okay? So this mustache tells you that I'm probably going to talk to your girlfriend

when you're not looking. But it's not my fault. It's your fault for not being able to grow the mustache. But real quick, real quick. I know we only have 60 seconds. I did want to do some jokes from before I had the mustache. So real quick. One day I hope to grow a mustache to win my father's approval. I hope to grow a mustache to win my father's approval.

But I know I can't because my girlfriend fucking hates mustaches. So single life is great. There you go, Derek Mann, everybody. I can't go on about. All right. Fuck yeah, dude. I like the way you look. I like the way your energy.

I like everything about you. I don't. Oh, okay. Yeah, go ahead. He looks like the final stage of the Tony Hinchcliffe evolutionary chart. That's great. That's after like two more years of growing it. It's so funny you say that because he literally, and I've never said this about anybody,

he literally looks exactly like my older brother who's exactly 12 years older than me. So it's a true thing. You look like, from the man bun to the mustache. That is exactly what my older brother looks like. Very impressive. So how long have you been a douchebag for? By the way, great set.

Now that I got that out of the way, let's get to your douchebaggery. First time doing stand-up? You've been doing it a little while? It's first time. Really? Incredible. Really, really good. Same advice I'd give to somebody that's

done it for ten years. Fucking tighten that shit up. You don't need all the extra words. What is the reasoning for that kind of mustache? I've never thought once to ever grow something like that. Do you tie balloons to it? What is it for?

It's for being cool, Brian. Clearly you've made a lot of fashion decisions that you've stayed committed to. Guy's having fun. Look at him. That's it. Just having fun. Look how happy he is.

He looks like a Banana Republic Johnny Depp mannequin. He looks like a Banana Republic Johnny Depp mannequin. I think we're a couple scarfs and bracelets short, but close. How long you been tying women to train tracks? Now, if you're here, then where are the other three guys in your barbershop quartet? What do you do for a living? I actually do software sales now.

Software sales? What kind of software are we talking about here? To auto body shops. So I'm always over the phone all day long. Oh, okay. They wouldn't buy it if they saw you, huh? I mean, we're talking about guys that turn wrenches. That's like me.

That turn what? Turn wrenches. People that work in garages on cars. You know a lot about cars? You really are a, like a, you know a lot about cars? Yeah, I know a good amount about cars. Is that your thing? So you had a dad growing up? You really did? I did. I did have a dad. Yeah, guys that don't have about cars. Is that your thing? So you had a dad growing up? You really did? I did. I did have a dad. Yeah, guys that don't have dads

growing up get into cars later in life. A little fun fact for you. So, do you have a mom in the picture, too, that you're together? Yeah, divorced when I was two. Divorced when you were two? Yeah. That explains you doing stand-up. That's how that

works. And so you've been doing that for a while. So let's talk about the pussy intake. You got a scarf on. For those of you listening to the podcast, man bun. Get your Kill Tony bingo card out. Man bun, all right? We got the curled up mustache. We got a fucking sunglasses hanging from the deep shirt.

We got fucking cowboy boots, a scarf, a denim jacket, and way too much confidence. What do you see over there? You got another angle over there, Dave Gunther. What do you got? I'm just upset that those cowboy boots have never seen the likes of cow shit in their lives. Guys, those cowboy boots have never touched cement before.

He just steps right into his fucking car. Hey, when you're having group sex with women, do you... Group sex? Yeah. When you come, do you go, all for one, one for all? Yes.

It is true. I do now. It is true. I do now. It is true. After this show tonight, me, Derek, and the other musketeer are going out for drinks. He named his digging balls Porto's, Athos, and Ramos. Yeah, I read one book in high school, okay? One book. So, Derek, I want to stay on point here. I'm going to try my best to get through this with you.

Like his mustache? So, pussy intake. Let's talk about it. What's some of your greatest accomplishments? Just be honest. You don't have to be funny. We want to know the real deal. Come on, Derek.

What's the most you've ever taken down in a period of time? What are we talking about here? We talking knee highhigh, waist-high? Wait, you guys think girls like that? You think he's getting tons of pussy because of this mustache? It's the overall look, Brian. If you're comparing...

No, I look at that mustache and it just drives me nuts. He looks like he has a bike with a really big front tire or something like that. Luckily for us all, I'm pretty sure Derek isn't into banging chicks that look like you,

Red Band. Yeah, because that's what I was talking about. What are you talking about? Red Band has the most fire pussy in this club. You really think girls like that? I wouldn't fuck this in a heartbeat. What are you talking about? Yes, girls like that.

You think girls go, wow, look at that mustache. That's so hot. That's sexy. It's not about the mustache. It's about the overall thing. Yeah, but you stop at the mustache. You're like, what the fuck? And then you run away. You're absolutely wrong. You know how a mustache gets like that? And then you run away. You're absolutely wrong. This guy, you know how a mustache gets like that? It's from pussy juice.

It's just fucking... That's the only way to get the mustache to defy gravity like that. How long have you had the mustache? Have you had it your whole life or is it something new? I was not born with it, but I had it a few years ago. Okay, let's get off the mustache.

I'm going to go back to the question I've been trying to get an answer to for five minutes here. Can I get in one more? Oh, okay, Dave Gunther. Yes, one more. I'm sure it'll be worth it. Does your pubic hair match your mustache? There you go. Yes.

Oh, God. It looks like a tattoo of a bull. Very good. Okay, up here. Now, the last time I asked you, I still wasn't able to get an answer out of you because the question blew your mind. You actually overheated and weren't able to answer it.

So your greatest sexual accomplishment. Yes. I'm sure you have the fucking answer in your head by now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably being super young And then going super old Not super old Do you have a girlfriend?

Not now So what have you been doing? Like what have you been fucking? Well, I mean, to Brian's point, not much So Have you tried shaving the mustache? Let's get off the fucking mustache for a second You seem really shy When it comes to talking about women I tried shaving the mustache. Let's get off the fucking mustache for a second.

You seem really shy when it comes to talking about women. Like, I mean, I don't know what's going on here. Can you give us an example of why you haven't been dating? Like, why do you try so hard if you're not getting pussy? No, I had a relationship for a few years, and then I got out of it. And then I was like, oh, fuck it,'m gonna grow a mustache back How long ago was that? How long ago did it end? It was a year and a half

A year and a half ago Did she break your heart a little bit? Is that a yes? No, yeah, but it's Yes, so the answer is yes It's okay, you have nothing to be afraid of. You had a great fucking set here. We're talking about your real life.

No, I'm good. It's more of realizing how much control you do have over yourself and life. Give us an example of what you're talking about. Did you just spout a fortune cookie at us? What was that? Dude, this mustache, man. What the hell was that? Why do you look like a hipster

top of teal bottle, man? That was good. Yes. You're my hero. What do you mean by that? What did you learn about yourself or whatever the fuck you just said uh no uh did you cheat on her no no there was no cheating okay it uh you just realize how stupid you are and i I was like, yeah, it wasn't working out. What the fuck was I doing?

Why wasn't it working out? Oh, when two people want different things. Right. You take off that scarf and you wouldn't. How did she... I'm just confused how she broke your heart. No, no. It seems like you didn't really want to be in it,

but you did, but she didn't. Yeah, I did. I really wanted it, but it's fucking hard. And you realize that, and you get in habits or ignoring the other person. Like what? I don't know, man. When it gets to a point where you're like, I don't... Everything else, you had fucking answers like that.

We started talking about chicks. You're like, I don't know. You know how it is. You know what happened. You know. Look at me. You know what it is. Come on. You know already. Why are you asking? You know. It's like, the fuck is happening here? I have no idea. What happened?

It didn't work out. So you left her. You got in your hot air balloon and took off. Alright. We're spending. You're too interesting of a character. I got to get you out of here. Derek Mann, everybody. There he goes.

Pretty good set. He's good. That guy's good. For his first time. For his first time. That's one of the better sets we may have ever had for a first timer on this show. You may hate his mustache, but...

You were growing that out for a while. Not really. I was just seeing what the fuck it's like having facial hair. I just sometimes just let it go to the limits. This is my first time ever having facial hair, so I'm excited about it. But now I keep it trimmed up. But before, yeah, I just let the whole thing go out because I'm like, whoa, that's what I would look like if I gave up.

Do you shave the middle part or is that just grown like that? No, that's all natural. That's crazy. All fucking natural right there. There's a natural split. All right. We've lost Jeremiah for some reason. He's making a real point.

Something about the middle of my mustache, perhaps? I've been wanting to ask that question for months. What? There you go. I don't know why you wouldn't just ask. Turns out my friends are extremely, obviously intimidated by me or something like that. Pulled another name out of the bucket.

Make some noise for me. All right, there we go. Red Band's got the timing of a fucking gorilla zoo. Gorilla glue? Put your hands together for Tim Hill, everybody. Tim Hill. Onward. Hello.

I drove past a TGI Fridays on the way here And the sign out front of the TGI Fridays said If you smell like marijuana, our wait staff won't help you I was like, gee, that's funny, you want a bunch of sober people at your TGI Fridays That sounds a hell of a lot like a TGI Thursdays, if you ask me There we go Self-deprecating humor, everybody loves a little self-deprecating humor.

You know, making fun of yourself, but me? I'm more of a fan of self-defecating humor, you know? It's jokes about pooping yourself, folks. My girlfriend thinks I'm the son of Satan. Yeah, she really hates my mom. Yeah! I'm a hard worker. I like to go the extra mile.

Put my pickles in their place, you know, make sure my T's are crossed, I's are dotted, and my Q's are fucked up the ass by lowercase L's. There you go. Fuck yeah. Tim Hill. Fuck yeah. Tim Hill. Hell yeah.

Welcome to the fucking show, Tim Hill. I mean, look at this. This is like Timothy McVeigh if he blew that place up with Napoleon Dynamite. This is very incredible. You have an awesome look. Everybody tonight has been so charismatic. I've loved your work ever since you wrote all the Harry Potter books. Oh, yeah.

Thanks. Look at you, Tim. Great fucking set, by the way. Unbelievable. How long have you been doing stand-up for? Three years. Three years. What do you do for a living?

Marijuana stuff. Marijuana stuff. My goodness gracious yeah clearly you came straight from work tonight what are you indica sativa guy something like that

I like indica because sativas don't do much at the point when you smoke so much how about CBD what do you think about CBD? CBD works when it's real. No, yeah, and of course it is. And that's why we found our favorite CBD place. It's Infinite CBD.

They offer the cleanest, healthiest, and purest forms of CBD available. And it was just 420 season, and I love this new April deal that they have going on. I use it a lot. I use the CBD gummies. They're very calming. They're great for insomnia. We've been on the road a lot, so it's good. And then in the mornings, they have the CBD AM pills with caffeine.

Great for when you need to focus, be calm, and get stuff done. And you're right, man. There's a lot of bullshit CBD out there. You've got to find the purest CBD you can find. You know, Infinite CBD is also tested by a third party for its purity. It's true. It's true. And it works for us.

And research has shown that it has helped people for a variety of different ailments, including pain management, anxiety, insomnia, and more. So why not head over to InfiniteCBD.com and if you use the promo code Tony15 for April only, they'll give you 20% off. That's right. It's a 420 special. Use the promo code Tony15 for 20%

off orders in April. Thanks, everybody. That's my time. Have a good night. No, you stay up here, Tim. You stay up here. So let's talk about it. What else are you into? Why do you look like you take skateboards to go bird scootering?

I just always liked having the long hair. I got a really weird face. Really? Is that true? It's long if you look at it That's never stopped me I just always grew the hair out long Is that a way to

Unlong your face? It seems like that makes it longer I guess maybe I've always wondered that It doesn't really counteract. If you look at, I can't remember whether it's Bert or Ernie, whichever one has the long head. He has this weird mohawk hairdo.

I'm like, why are you doing that to yourself, dude? You already have a long head. You're like Bert. No. At least you're the top. You're not the bottom. I'll start sticking it on up. What?

I'll start sticking it up. I feel like it's connected to the beanie, man. What do you do for hobbies? I play a lot of video games, but other than that, I just work most days of the week all day, and then afterwards I just

do video games until I can go to comedy. Right, right. Interesting. Nothing else? Nothing physical? No disc golf or anything like that? You ever go to Morley Park and just let it rip, you know what I mean? I don't do a whole lot, no.

I moved out to San Diego to work marijuana and do comedy. That's interesting. Other than that, just video games. Marijuana and comedy and avoid the sun. Yes. I don't like it here. How much do you weigh, man? 135. Wow, really?

Holy shit. Wow. That's how much I weigh. You're a little bit taller than me. Wow, look at you. You guys. Both of you together is what I weigh. Look at that.

Look at that. Those infinite CBD gummies they put on the pads. Hell yeah. My goodness. How do you keep such a thin frame? Is it just natural? You have fast metabolism? Hyperactive thyroid.

Oh, lucky. I shit a lot. My food just goes all the way through. I eat and I shit. You see how beautiful honest dancers are when they just answer without overthinking it? Why are you so thin? Hyperactive thyroid.

I shit all the time. It's beautiful. No hesitation there. Not like the fucking mustache man pondering his brilliant thoughts. So Tim, let's talk about it. How big's your dick? Normal, I think

We're curious You're long, you're thin We're wondering Does the dick match the everything else? Yeah, you got big ass feet, man Close to Close to this Oh, okay

I wasn't expecting a real answer But the crowd went crazy They loved it That's average Like nine inches. Yeah, ten inches. No, no, no. I shrunk it.

Can you suck your own dick? I don't. No? Boy, oh boy, do I wish. Have you tried? Have you, like, been? Not in years. Really?

Do you have a girlfriend? Yeah. You do? Yeah. Does she look like you? No, she's, like, this tall. She's a little person. Oh.

Really? Yeah. She's a little person or she's 12? She's 4'6". No, she's a 21-year-old who is 4'6". You're dating a 21-year-old that's 4'6"? Yeah. My goodness. Wow. So the pedophile head is all making sense now.

She's like a little fleshlight. Get them when they're young. Is she here tonight? No, she's not. My goodness. Tiny little one. Four foot six. You guys ever do any weird sexual positions? You ever put the old bread in the toaster?

You know what I mean? No. Yeah. No. No, nothing too wild. It's really easy to roll a lot, actually, though, to change positions. Oh, the old bowling ball down the gutter. You know what I mean?

Easy to roll. Pick her up like a bowling ball down the gutter. You know what I mean? Easy to roll. Pick her up like a bowling ball. That's right. How long have you two been together? Like five years. Where'd you meet her? High school. Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second.

What high school did you go to? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You guys, how old are you? 22. 22. She's 21. You met five years ago. Hold on a second here.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. How long were you guys fucking illegally for? A year. Whoa. Rapist, rapist, rapist, rapist. Wow. I'll do it again. I don't care.

Come on, look at him. Would anybody have guessed walking down the street that this guy would ever rape anybody? Come on. He looks like if Jeffrey Dahmer took up professional skateboarding. It is true. Well, Tim, I mean,

fucking great stuff. How long have you been doing this again? Three years. Three fucking years. It shows you came up guns a blazing. I mean, you're right up there with a lot of great sets that we've had on this show. So thank you so fucking much. Tim Hill, everybody.

Follow him on Twitter. Tim Hill Boy. All one word. Ron Ripley, Riot. It's all happening. Back to the old bucket. How many of you like it Ripley Riot. It's all happening. Back to the old bucket. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? A bunch of animals down here in La Jolla. People are evil. All right. Put your hands together for A.C. Smith. Here we go.

Here comes A.C. Wow. A.C. Smith, ladies and gentlemen. Good Lord, I hate women. And women hate me. What? I approached a woman the other day, and this is a true story. I approached her.

She had a ring in her left hand. I asked her, are you married? She said, no. I said, you wear that ring to in her left hand. I asked her, are you married? She said, no. I said, you wear that ring to keep all the losers from hitting on you, right? She said, yeah. Is it working? Said it hasn't until now. That's a true story. Fuck you people. I hate women. I walked into the bank the other day. I got my paycheck, my pathetic paycheck. I'm going to deposit it,

and I see this gorgeous bank teller. Gorgeous. What can I say to this girl to impress her? I realize there's nothing I can say to this girl to impress her. She has access to my account. She knows how fucking broke I am. So sick of this shit. AC Smith, everybody.

Fuck yeah. Wow. You stay right here. Put that microphone in front of you. Face out that way. Face that way. I don't want you within punching distance of me. Take a half a step forward. Hey, Chroma Crystal. It's been years

since we've seen Coach. What you been up to, buddy? Out of the slammer? AC Smith, you are a serious man. For those of you listening to the podcast, this guy looks like he holds the record for most domestic violence. Fighting out of the red corner. And he's standing way too close to us.

Step away from the talent. He literally looks like the Hall of Fame of beating women, perhaps. There is a statue of him outside of the woman beating Hall of Fame of beating women, perhaps. Like there is a statue of him outside of the woman beating Hall of Fame. Yeah. We call that the Statue of Liberty. Chroma Chris! Chroma Chris!

That is, don't get it twisted, listeners. That is Chroma Chris. I't get it twisted, listeners. That is Chroma Chris. I know a lot of people here at the store, a lot of people watching live think it's if Meg Ryan played Forrest Gump, but no, it's Chroma Chris. Chroma Chris. But let's keep it on AC Smith over here.

Have you had bad experiences with women? Like ex-wife or something? Do you really hate women? Yeah, I hate you, Ioana and Jayshack. Wow. Okay, okay. Relax. AC.

Wait. What was the last word you said? It was a UFC joke. He gets it. It's okay. I get it. Yeah, it's okay, guys. Everybody take it easy. I just didn't understand what you were it. It's okay. I get it. Yeah, it's okay, guys. Everybody take it easy.

I just didn't understand what you were saying. I don't want to bully AC. I don't want to get him mad. You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean he might smother you with a pillow like he does his women later at night. Shush! AC, you seem like a very... He's a very

passionate man. You made me genuinely laugh really hard when you said, you know, I got my paycheck, my pathetic paycheck. Like, that was... There's little natural moments where at some points, twice for, like, a half a second each, you were the funniest person on stage all night. But other than that, you seem genuinely angry.

Now, you have this earbud contraption around your neck. Is that to monitor your blood pressure or something like that? Just earbuds? Is that a question? Is this your first time doing stand-up? Yes, it is. Hey, AC Smith. There you go.

Here comes the goat of the first time. Little first-time sheep. Don't sheep on him. Thank you for dressing up for us tonight. AC, what type of heating and cooling equipment do you do for a living? What do you do for work? What's your real job, AC? If you care, I'm actually very successful.

Okay, what are you successful in? Yes, I do care. I just asked you what you do for a living. And that's why... And then I would ask you why you dress like a guy that works in heating and cooling if we find out that you're really successful. It's a win-win for me, you see. I'm very successful at what I do.

I beat up at least three or four women a week. You don't want to talk about what you do for work? Absolutely. I work as a civil engineer in Las Vegas. And what was the last thing? Law service? Las Vegas. Las Vegas.

I flew out here to see you, Hinchcliffe. Wow, very good. Open your fucking ears, Tony. Again, again, he's so nice and so mean at the same time. I fucking flew out here to see you. I flew out here to see you because I love you with all my heart. Just a friendly reminder, we are in Las Vegas, Nevada, Saturday, May 11th, making our return to the dive bar. You're going to be there for that?

I have tickets. You already got tickets. I love it. You got one ticket for you and one for the one you're going to beat the shit out of that night. My goodness. AC, what else are you into? My goodness. AC, what else are you into? What else should we know about a guy that dresses like he's about to go

umpire home plate for the Padres? Through my teens and through my twenties, I was an amazing drummer for a band. Whoa! The crowd is going ballistic. Hands are in the air.

Ladies and gentlemen. Well, that only... Yes, Joel Berg, is there something that you want to say? I was going to say that was at least 60 years ago. Well, let me tell you something, AC. The passion that you have, you seem like a very serious man, and my guess, you said teens and 20s.

There's no doubt about it, ladies and gentlemen. There will be a Mexican drum-off here tonight. We are just minutes away from Tijuana. En la Mexico. Right here. No better than San Diego. As close to a true Mexican drum-off as we could possibly have. AC, why don't you take a step right behind here.

One request, Tony, is I see the hometown crowd gets behind your boy over here. I want to go second. Whoa. Whoa. Oh, no. No, no, no. That's never been requested before. Unfortunately, unfortunately, AC, you want to keep these people on your side.

There is a formula to this show. Let me remind you. Let me keep it fair and remind you. You can do anything you want. It's about showmanship. It's about comedy. It's about beating on those fucking drums. It's about putting on a real show.

So you can do whatever you want. Even to make it fair, since this is a tight stage, a tight setup tonight during your performance, I'll have the band sort of stand over next to Ryan J. So that everybody can see you. We'll keep it fair. You know what I mean? This is how to do it. So come on back here.

All right. Also, we need one woman to be volunteered to come up here and get beat up while he's playing the drums. Yes. We need a woman to be the bass drum here tonight. Yes. Hold on. Hold on. Joel Berg wants to say something. I can't believe this guy's good at

hitting things. There you go. Joel Berg can't even help himself, even when he's getting ready. You ready for this, AC? Will you sit on the throne? I don't think you people are ready. I'm phenomenal. Okay, AC. AC, come on. Let's do it. Alright, be careful.

Alright, there we go. It's a real hazard up here. I was really excited about this until he just said he was phenomenal. Now I feel like he might be fucking with us, but we're going to know real quick. Ladies and gentlemen, you ready for this? Mexican drum off. Are you in position?

Your foot's not even on the bass pedal. You sure you know what you're doing? You sure? Ladies and gentlemen, AC Smith. Here we go. Two, three, four. Here we go Oh no Oh no, that's one of the worst things ever Here he goes, come on out

AC AC. There he goes. I just showed him my butthole, y'all. There he goes. AC Smith, everybody. There he goes. That way. That way.

AC. All the way. All the way. All the way. All the way. All the way. All the way. All the way.

You know what sure that may have sucked and that may have been one of the worst moves in the sportsmanship of kill tony history do them one more time ac smith but you know what i'm let's face. We know who was going to win this thing and still here to give you a drum solo. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody! Old school. Deep camera. The full tube sock. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everyone! Thank you. Joel Byrne.

Joel Jimenez. Wow. Standing ovation. Just incredible. Fuck yeah. This place is in complete chaos right now. I like it like this. So let's keep this fun train moving along, shall we? Place is in chaos. Everybody's fucking hyped up.

These fucking idiots want my job. They got Aphrodite. They got a Mexican drum off. Everything's crazy. How about one more surprise, huh? Let's fucking do it, shall we? Could you guys possibly be having any more fun? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the current and standing regular of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen

William Montgomery wow here he is in the flesh ready for San Diego for his very first time this is the real William Montgomery, everybody. I don't know who's running this place, but I was trapped in the port-a-potty

for 45 fucking minutes. I have diverticulitis. But seriously, don't mistake me for the pilot. I only operate the flight simulator. Who's winning the game? God damn it! That's an impression of my father whenever

we watch sports at my house. He's a horrible gambler. He's a fan of the New York Enigmas. They are a hockey team now defunct. But seriously, I work at the Lexus Tustin up north. I sell hatchbacks and SUVs. Wow. There you go.

William motherfucking Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. This is William's first time ever performing at the La Jolla Comedy Store, everyone. There you go. William motherfucking Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. This is William's first time ever performing at the La Jolla Comedy Store, everyone. I actually, two years ago, I was roofied out back. Ended up in a garbage can. I had frostbite on my fingers. It was freezing cold. Yeah, and this is what William looks like, everybody. For those of you wondering,

he looks like a guy that's been in line waiting to see Caddyshack at a theater for 30 years. This is his thing. Also, the Lion King. I wore the same thing for the Lion King premiere. He looks like if a wildling got cataract surgery.

It's true. Where do you even find those shorts? Those are jams, right? They're jams. That is with two Zs. It's a pretty prolific company. I sponsor some of their sales on eBay. You can look us up.

We are New York Enigma fan. Okie dokie. Wow. This is mind-boggling. You do look like what it would look like if that big guy on Game of Thrones finally got to fuck that new female knight that he's always wanted

to bang. Little fucking red-headed chubby little bitch baby boy. Brienne Tarth. You wanted to give us some Avengers spoilers, right? You wanted to give us some spoilers from the new Avengers movie? Yes, I did.

I don't know anything about this. I don't know what this is. Basically, I don't know if y'all are fans of Swamp Thing. I can't believe he made an appearance in that movie. Swamp Thing ends up getting dried believe he made an appearance in that movie. Swamp Thing ends up getting dried up out of the swamps. It is a

very strange part of the movie. Alright, I'm going to cut you off again there. William, what is that that you're drinking here? You're drinking... For those of you listening to the podcast, William, I mean, this is going to you're drinking here? You're drinking... For those of you listening to the podcast,

William, I mean, this is going to take a while, but he's wearing a golf hat, a tiny backpack, a bathing suit, flip-flops. He's got the shirt of a Florida Gators football coach, and it appears as though since the last time he was on the show, he's gone completely blind. Since we saw him on Monday. What is that in the cup, William?

It's one of my favorite drinks. It's a Yoo-Hoo mixed with ephedrine. Just a real hell of a beverage. I think the night I was freezing in the dumpster out back, I had been drinking a bunch of these, and word to the wise, if you drink too much ephedrine, it really messes with your circulatory system. Wow, that's so educational.

Fuck yeah. Well, William, have you gone to a doctor to treat this diverticulitis you have? Last night, I had this dream where I visited our old neighbor back in Memphis, Dr. Asghar Kalani. He was a plastic surgeon. I dreamt I visited him.

Pretty soon into our meeting, I realized it was the wrong kind of doctor. I have a disease called diverticulitis. I can't breathe when I go in airplanes. I can't see under the ocean. You can't see near the ocean? Is that what you said? You can't see? You can't see when you're near the ocean?

You go blind when you're near the ocean? Like right now? 100 feet to the ocean, I can't see. My sense of smell goes into hyperdrive. Wow. I mean, what can I say? There he is for you. This is what it looks like,

the great and powerful William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. You guys want to go back to the bucket one more time? What was that? Okay. Let's try. This looks like an interesting name. Make some noise for Pretty Ricky, everyone.

Pretty Ricky. Oh, look who it is. Wow. Wow. Pretty Ricky, everyone. Thank you. So I grew up in Boston and I like football. I like the New England Patriots. How many of you guys like them?

So every time I hear this, I have a little poem for you guys. Ready? All you pad haters make me sick. And all us pad fans say is suck our dicks. And while y'all're at it, fuck Roger Goodell. I hope that motherfucker burns in hell.

We all know that the NFL is shady. Just ask our quarterback, Mr. Tom Brady. If you had a million dollars and you bet it all, are you worried about the fucking ear or the fucking back holes? There's one thing that we won't tell.

Without gambling, there's no NFL. All the fans are gamblers and drunks. No church on Sunday. Who would have thought? Because we don't care if they beat their wife

as long as our fantasy team comes to life. I wish all you would learn to cheat. Then you wouldn't be so fucking easy to beat. I wish all you would learn to cheat. Then you wouldn't be so fucking easy to beat. Wow. All night long. Yeah. Pretty Ricky.

Wow. That must make me tall Paul. My goodness. you are a scary-looking dude. I like your fucking style. You look like you crawled out of the sand here in La Jolla and just started fucking living, but I guess you're originally from Boston. I don't know, you sort of look like a brain-damaged Howard Stern to me.

I can't quite put my finger on it. Yes, Paul. Yeah, how come your shirt looks like mac and cheese and your hair my finger on it. Yes, Paul? Yeah, how come your shirt looks like mac and cheese and your hair looks like fettuccine, huh? It's true. You look like a retired... Because I got it from you, my brother.

You're my twin. Don't touch the talent. 0 for 32 here, Pretty Ricky. It's not going good for you. It looks like he spent one too many nights at Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory. My goodness. Just a big old NFL ramble, huh? That was your thing?

You're the NFL guy? Not really, Tony. No. No, you just tried it tonight. Heck yeah. What's your story, Ricky? This is your first time ever doing comedy, right? You signed up.

You decided to take a chance. You were with the table of hecklers from earlier. He just wanted to sign up. He's the heckler. He's the heckler. No, I know. That's exactly it. So, yeah, Tony, you said right away.

You go, oh, yeah, you're heckling, and, you know, you didn't even have the balls to sign up. So I did have the balls to sign up. Uh-huh. And that's what you did. So that was you that was heckling earlier. And then that just happened. Well, I was trying not to heckle.

But, you know, it fucking happened. You know, it happens. You seem like a guy that day drinks, right? Well, Tony, on that note, on that note, I absolutely day drank. Because as Frank Sinatra says, I feel sorry for people who don't drink. For the people who wake up and that's as good as they feel all day. All right. There he goes.

Pretty Ricky, everybody. Pretty Ricky. Woo! All right. It's good. It's good. We only had one of those this episode. That's good. Let's get a of those this episode. That's good.

Let's get a female up. Yeah, what do you say we keep pulling until we get a woman up here, huh? Very good. Just going to keep pulling names until we get a woman. Oh, that's interesting. Look at that, won't you?

Huh. That's an interesting one. Yeah. Now that would be weird. Sean. James. Wow. AC Smith is a garbage human.

That's incredible. AC Smith. Where the fuck is this guy? Get him out of here. Good, good. There you go. I went in. That's how powerful I am. I kicked him out after he left. So we're talking about Lonnie's probably a dude, right?

Yeah. Is Lonnie a woman? Where's Lonnie at? It's a guy. Lonnie's a guy. Damien's a guy. Man, comedians are getting so desperate. Alright, here we go. We got it. Make some noise for your final comedian of the night,

your first lady of the night. Put your hands together for San Diego's own Lauren Jameson. Lauren Jameson. Here she comes. Woo! Greatens, y'all. I am Lauren of House Jameson.

GOT freak. Anybody else out there? We're missing it. We're missing it right now for this. So this better be good. So much show that I'm a GOT freak that I just had anal for the first time. It's Sharon Tell Sunday, or sodomy Sunday in this case for me. I mean, I felt like this was a safe space to talk about this.

I'm amongst, what, a hundred of my closest friends Well anyway It's a big accomplishment This milestone in my life So I did what any girl would do I called my dad the next day To tell him about it Either to brag Or maybe to blame him

I don't know Oh man Any women out there? Gays? Hush yourselves. Oh, damn. Go ahead. Finish it.

Yeah, go ahead. I wanted to know if any ladies out there have been a successful recipient of the butt sex. Don't all volunteer at once. That's right, because it's never been fucking successful. All right, y'all. My name is Lauren. How's Jameson? Thanks so much. There you go. There it's never been fucking successful. All right, y'all. My name is Lauren. How's Jameson? Thanks so much.

There it is. Lauren Jameson. Lauren Jameson, Game of Thrones fan that had anal recently. I did. My goodness. I love how those two things come together. How long does it take to pop back out? The show has inspired me to go to lengths and depths.

That man made it beyond the wall. Yeah. True. My brain was rather lubricated with God knows what booze. I honestly can't be certain that my asshole was. Wow. Yes. The watch has ended, I guess, when it comes to your bubble.

Winter is coming. You should have tried to hold the door. Wow. What the fuck? Okay. It's hold the door, not hold the door. Wow. What the fuck? Okay. It's hold the door, not close the door. Okay, let's all reset here. Let's all take a breath all at once, everybody.

Brian's been holding his breath for a second here. He loves this. Okay, so when did this happen exactly? When did you have something in your butt? 48 hours ago? 48 hours ago. Wow. Didn't you see me walking wearing up here?

Little fucking... There you go. There's a fart noise, everybody. Get off of your horse and head on into the saloon. Second question. Can Red Band smell it? Yeah.

Does it stink? Stink? Did anything come out? Okay. Very good. There we go. Very good, Ryan. 24 hours ago, yes.

Very good. Didn't, didn't, didn't. They got him as a screaming child. Okay. I guess you didn't understand the question. Did anything come out when you had sex? You know, sometimes. Again, very inebriated situation.

So you didn't even check. That's good. How many drinks? How many? It kind of just the pain is probably so morbid. You just kind of fall asleep. Lauren, stick with me over here. Over here.

Mostly just me. Just ignore everybody else. How many drinks did you have before you decided that you would have anal sex? If you had to guess how many drinks you had that night. Very good. Give or take a distillery, I don't know, a half dozen cocktails maybe. A half dozen.

Can I order a half dozen drinks in the bar real quick? Can we get six mudslides? There you go. Hey, there you go. Look at that. Rip, man. No rim chops. No rim chops. Look at that. Rip, man. No rim chops. Look at that.

So why do you think now? Why do you think now is the time? Why do you think that today? I don't know. Did he go for it? Did he shove it in there? Did he ask you? You know, he actually moved away,

so I feel like it was kind of like a parting gift. Really? So two days ago, the guy left. He fucked your butt and then left. And now here I am. Is this true? No. The old shaky hand.

Tony, the guy in the front row goes, farting gift. What? The guy in the front row said farting gift because she said partying. Oh, very good. Never mind. Next time, just say it.

Don't say the guy. I wanted to give credit. No, I sure, okay. Good party. Oh, very good. Never mind. Next time, just say it. Don't say the guy I wanted to give credit. No, I sure okay. Good job. Anyway, fucking great. What do you tweet at him or something, Joel? So what parts aren't real of the story? What parts are made up? That he left? That it was two days

ago? What the fuck are we talking about here? Well, okay, the two days ago thing. It actually, it's my year anniversary. This happened a year ago. Wow. Yeah. What anniversary? But I'm still left with the memory. What anniversary is it? The one year butt stuff anniversary, right? It's something to celebrate. I think it's a big deal.

I mean, I've never done it in my life. You just talk through all the quiet spots, huh? You just keep rambling, huh? He should have shoved it in your fucking mouth instead of your ass. Jesus Christ. You're a bumbling little one. You just got Hinchcliffe'd. What?

What? Is that a new thing? Hell yeah, you just got Hinchcliffe'd. No idea. You did. What do you do for work? Lauren Jameson. For work?

By day, I'm a realtor. I hate that word. Realtor. I'll give you a realtor in the back closet of this place. You know what I'm saying? Just kidding. Just kidding. All right.

Say my baby's name. Just kidding. Just kidding. So you sell houses. Basically, yes. I work for free trying to make other people's dreams come true. And you sell houses basically yes I work for free trying to make other people's dreams come true and you sell them yourselves you show everybody everything all the way to the back door

I mean whatever it takes to sell this is a number two bedroom over here wait till you see the basement you might like to look back at the shed there might be a little Wait till you see the basement. Yeah. You might like to look back at the shed. There might be a little hoe in the backyard.

You know what I mean? Oh, man. Right now the plumbing's a little clogged up. Fuck. Yeah. Wow. So did you enjoy it? Do you remember?

It was just the one-time thing? You were drunk? I mean I mean Yeah a little bit it was like You know he wasn't even that big That's the thing like he's But just I guess up there like everything Can feel big I guess so Are you giving a pep talk for small dick guys

Around the country right now Anything can feel big Up in a butthole. Yes. Now here's the next slide on my TED Talk. That's true. Y'all are getting the preview back here. Unless, of course, you have a giant butthole. Do you have a big butthole?

Do you have a big asshole? It's a very small set. Like on a scale from one to this bucket. How big is your butthole exactly? A thimble. All right, all right. Does your poop come out sideways? Oh, red band.

I don't do that. I don't do that. Red band red bands all the way up when someone does 40, when a girl does 40 seconds on anal sex. Yes. It's like the Incredible Hulk over here. Does your poop come out sideways? Yes, it's a superpower.

Speaking of Avengers, I'm the last one. Very good. Lauren, tell us something fun about yourself that we'd be surprised to know. I didn't just share all, bear all, just a minute ago. If that's the biggest part of your personality, that's sad. I don't know. Let's see. One year ago, I tried anal sex once.

The end. Goodbye, everybody. That's a wrap. You into anything? Any hobbies? Hobbies. What would be any life accomplishments? You know, like you once beat JonBenet in a beauty pageant or something like that?

That would be a night. Oh, man. I am from the south, actually. I'm from Houston, Texas. Hell yeah. A little disappointed. I know phones aren't allowed in here, but I did check the score and the Rockets lost. Oh, boy.

A little bit devastating. Oh, boy. If you want to talk sports, go hang out with Pretty Ricky in the corner over there. I can't believe Houston lost. Yeah, that Roger Goodale's a real asshole. Die hard fan. I love it.

I'm a proud Texan. Well, we're going to bring it on home here. You sure there's nothing else about you? Anything in your entire life that we'd be surprised to know one time? I have been on this stage once before. Oh, yeah? Only once. What'd you do? I didn't know they had a pole here before.

It was on. Whoa. Oh. Wow. Look at you. You're a wild little one aren't you It's been a long day People in San Diego are good at improvising

She did the same thing with that That the guy did with the Mexican hat dance earlier When she bent over a turd came out Wow Red band You just got red band Man I'm just getting rocked up here Yo bitch you got his gl just got red band. Man, I'm just getting rocked up here.

Yo, bitch, you got Hitchcliff and red band. I have cowboy boots on that have seen cement. I heard you giving someone shit about his boots. Wow, I bet. Oh, yes. Fuck yeah. The man with the palette over there. Our burritos are cold. We're going to fucking do it, dude.

How about one more hand for Lauren Jamison, everybody? Fuck yeah. And we did it. fucking do it, dude. How about one more hand for Lauren Jamison, everybody. Yeah. And we did it. Ryan J. E-Belt drew tonight's episode. Ryan J., why don't you come on up here. The great Ryan J. E-Belt drew that while you all sat there doing nothing. Look at that.

Now, a big reminder that we are selling Ryan J. E-Belt road posters right in the lobby after the show. Jeremiah's got a little bit of merch. There is some Death Squad shirts, some official Kill Tony shirts. Jeremiah, how about another hand for Jeremiah Watkins here tonight, everybody? The band Lida. Jeremiah's got the new Reagan & Watkins

album coming out June 7th. There's a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders. Yeah. Jeremiah Wonders. Check out my podcast on all platforms. Follow me on social media at JeremiahStandup. Thanks for the love and support, guys. How about another hand for the great Chroma Chris, everybody. Look

at him over there. Two for two tonight, y'all. Two for two. Big two for two. He cranked it out of the park. Chroma Chris, what do you think of tonight's episode? I ain't even got to mull it over, Tony. It was awesome. There you go. Still

two for two. Two for two. How about one more time, good and loud for Joel Jimenez, everybody. Wow. Mostly sorry on all social media. Shout out to the guy in the front row. Anything else? Thank you to Ludwig, and I love you guys.

Peace. I love it. Don't forget Caveman Coffee. Why don't you save 15% by using the password KillTony for that and use Tony15 over at InfiniteCBD.com. If you have any ailments, try it. They'll give you 20% off your orders in April. We'll see what the deal is in May.

And that's it. We'll see you out in the lobby. We're going to keep it moving quick. Thank you guys so much. Good night. Good night. Bye-bye. It's my way. It's my way.