KILL TONY - KILL TONY #342 - LA JOLLA #2

Episode Date: May 2, 2019

William Montgomery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 04/28/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There we have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to all the shows. You can click on tour dates. Not only are we doing Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store, but we're on the road. We're about to start this huge world tour. The next one is Phoenix, Arizona. That's right.

We're returning to Phoenix. Also, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Utah, Boise, Idaho, Spokane, Washington, Portland, Oregon, Vancouver, and Seattle, Washington. Go to DeathSquad.tv. Click on tour dates to find the entire list of this world tour. Again, that's DeathSquad.TV, click on Tour Dates. Also, you can check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony. And Ryan J. Ebelt, he draws every episode.

He drew the Kill Tony book and the new poster. Go to Ryanjebelt.com and last but not least shopsquad.tv that's the official merchandise of the death squad universe you have the kill tony shirt well there's only a couple left and you also have death squad hats and thermals and mugs go to shopsquad.tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman. Come to you live from the comedy store.

La Jolla for a brand new episode of kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe. La Jolla. we're here. Make some fucking noise. Come on. Wow. Here we are. Show number two, the final show of the night.

Brian Redband's here, ladies and gentlemen. What is up, guys? Wow. Look at this. We are live from beautiful La Jolla, California. The great and powerful Ryan J. Ebelt is sitting right over there all the way from Los Angeles. He draws every single episode

of the show, and he is here live on the road with us in La Jolla. You guys excited for this? This is great. It's one of the first places where Kill Tony ever went on the road. Yeah. Who here was at the first show also?

Just a few people. That's crazy. Look at that. Sometimes people get tickets for both shows. Sometimes it's fucking new blood. Here we go. Some real fucking creepers over there. Speaking of blood,

we're about to go on the road. Yeah, speaking of blood, we're about to go on the road. Yes, speaking of blood, we're about to go on the road. Wow. Clearly that California burrito's hitting you pretty hard that we had in between shows. Don Carlos! My goodness, yes. Speaking of blood, we are going to continue our crazy

tour. It goes through Phoenix, Arizona, Las Vegas, Nevada, Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Arizona, Las Vegas, Nevada, Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, and New York City. A lot of blood. All the way through Sacramento and San Francisco in October. There are rumors circulating as of this evening. In between shows, I started hearing rumors of a new San Diego

Kill Tony quarterly perhaps? Every few months? Oh yeah. For La Jolla? Could it be possible that once every three months Kill Tony could

come to San Diego every Sunday once every three months? Just rumors at this point. Make sure you listen to the beginnings not? Kill Tony could come to San Diego every Sunday, once every three months. Just rumors at this point. Make sure you listen to the beginnings of every Kill Tony so you don't miss big announcements when they happen. Every Monday, we're back at the Comedy Store. No matter how much we go on the road, we make a trip back on Mondays.

Like this Monday, we have the great Nick Swartzen on the show for the first time ever. Yeah, but on these road episodes, we go no guess. Let there be no confusion about it. However, some cities are lucky enough sometimes to be privileged by getting the actual band. The band, every single episode Commits to being in And staying in different characters Sometimes it's the return of famous

Kill Tony band characters Like the Prisoner And you never know what it is And I usually have a guest Because they always send me a song To play them out You know, they didn't tonight So I'm just going to choose a song

to see if it goes with it. Oh, wow. This is very exciting. Wow. Okie dokie. That's very exciting. And we're going to all find out together. They stay in character.

Maybe it's the famous prisoners. Maybe it's the nerds. Maybe it's a brand new character that we've never seen before. They are the best damn band in the land. And San Diego, you got the whole fucking band. It's the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Walken, Stolberg, Joel Jimenez,

and Chroma Chris. Here we go. Here we go. Anything can happen. Who's it going to be? Whoa! Wow. Wow It's Jeff Foxworthy doing it Wow, oh boy We have seen these guys on the show before

They are clearly The billionaires Some of the most famous characters In Kill Tony's history I believe they've only been on Perhaps one or two episodes. One episode ever. That was somewhere.

On the road somewhere. I believe it was Michigan. Lansing. The billionaires are back. This is incredible. How fitting that three billionaires are in La Jolla right now.

We have Jeremiah, who, oh, he has a real monocle. Clearly, if the Monopoly man fucked Jeff Foxworthy, this is what it would look like. And over here, we have Chroma Chris, who appears to be a porn star whose dick no longer works. have Chroma Chris, who appears to be a porn star whose dick no longer works. And then right back here, we have what appears to be Sunburnt Bill Clinton or something like that.

Not sure, what are you, the governor of Sesame Street? Sunburnt Bill Clinton is my nickname on the golf course. Wow. I'm excited. What is your name, lead billionaire? Reginald Fontaine III. Reginald what?

What's that last name? Fontaine. Reginald Fontaine? Fontaine. Reginald Fontaine. My cell phone is going off. Excuse me. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Three million, not enough. Wow. That is exciting. And what's your name? I also see a text that says, what song would you like? Oh, yeah. I think you also got about 100 of those texts, Joel.

Wow. Wow. Incredible. Wow, incredible. What was that? Was that hood rat music you were playing? Hood. Pop the pussy. Hood rat music. Oh, classic.

What's your name, young Mexican billionaire? Timothy Burgington. Timothy Burgington? Yes. Yes. Burmington? Burgington, as in Joel Burgington. Oh. Yes. Burmington? Burgington, as in Joel Burgington. Oh, okay, gotcha.

Similar to the Coat Factory, yes. Burgington Coat Factory. Timothy Burgington. Reginald Fontaine. And what's this young cowboy that talked to the Big Lebowski at the bar? What's your name? Roger McWatters. Walter McWatters. Alright, well we have... It's Roger McWatters.

Oh, Roger McWatters. Roger McWatters. Did you roll the R on that? Roger McWatters. Alright, Roger McWatters. All right, Roger McWaters. Yes, Joel Berg. I may or may not have borrowed that fake cash from a friend and may need it back at the end of the show. That's crazy.

Even fake cash. You silly imbecile. Wow, this is incredible. The band is very, very rich tonight. So we have the band. We have a red band. And here I have a bucket filled with people that are in this building. San Diego names.

If I pull your name out of the bucket, that means you get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry Pacific Beach Bear. Wow. Listen to that. All right. There you go. You guys ready to start this thing tonight or what?

Huh? Let's fucking do it. Get it started with a goddamn bang. Is Pacific Beach gay? Is that the gay area? No, it's not, but that's why this one's funny. It's a bunch of douchebags, so calling them gay, it's funny.

Ah. All right, pull the name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your first comedian of the night, Sean McNatt, everyone. Here we go. Here he comes. One more time for Sean McNatt. How's it going, guys?

How do you guys feel about abortion? Alright, well... I just had a kid recently, and... It's because of the inconvenience of abortion. I thought it was more of like a drive-thru situation. So you kind of drive in, and your life isn't fucked up anymore. But it turns out I was wrong. You have to make an appointment.

So the reason I have a kid now is because we felt inconvenienced with having to make the appointment. So we go in, and we're like, ah, like, we have to come back and make an appointment? They're like, yeah. And I said, I would just have the kid. Fuck it, you know? So. I'm Sean McNatt. All right. There you go. 53 seconds of thunder. Sean McNatt. Very good. So, Sean, how old is your kid? Nine months. Nine months. How old are you? Nine months.

24. Wow. That was some of that wacky La Jolla improv there for a second. The weirdest part was that it worked on the audience. I literally respect you guys a little bit less than I did two minutes ago. Whoa, whoa, whoa. He said he's nine months old. I'm just here to have fun, Tony. Fuck you.

Doesn't even need to be good to make me laugh. Whoa. Yeah, nine months. What do you think, baby? Who's the big baby? Who's the big baby? All right. You're 24.

You have a nine-month-old baby. How old is your girlfriend, wife? She's a girlfriend. 25. Girlfriend. 25. How long have you two known each other? Nine months. What? We dated in high school, and I broke up with her. Whoa. Badass. You know what I mean?

You had to show her who's boss. And then we met up like two years ago. We've been dating. Wow, and then you put a fucking baby in her, huh? I did. Jesus. Was it an accident? Yeah.

Well, it was... I thought it was her butt. Red band. We didn't mean to have a baby, obviously. You didn't mean to have a baby, but you wanted to come inside her that time that you did. Absolutely. Did you always come inside of her?

Did you tell her that time? Like, oh, I'm going to come inside you? Was it like that? Or did you just always do it back then? You just fucking dumped loads in her? I was just dumping loads. Wow, look at you. And now you're a padre, dude.

Hell yeah. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. Sports. It's true. It's true.

Should have been a Dodger, dude. Yeah. More sports. Let's face it, though. If he was a real padre, he would have lost the baby at some point. You fucking motherfuckers. So, Sean, you're a big baseball fan.

What do you do for work? I install car alarms. Install car alarms? Really? Yeah. What kind of cars don't come with car alarms now? That's a good... It makes a lot of sense. I never thought about that.

Right. All the Blockbuster employees buy them? Wait a second. Joel, what are you laughing at like that? Nothing. Never mind. Did Jeremiah have a car alarm put into his car? No. Okay, okay.

What is that? Is that what you do, dude? Is that what you fucking do, bro? I make him make that sound. Wow, that's incredible. My goodness. They still make the one that goes...

Like that one that lasts forever? Do people ask for that one? Are they like, can I have that... You have to put a siren in it. Otherwise, it only works with the horn. My God. How long have you been installing car alarms? Nine months.

Whoa! Two years. Two years. Fuck yes. I have a horn question. This is a legit question. I have a Honda Civic. It's like the dumbest horn ever.

It's like a baby horn. Is it easy to take out that horn and put a new horn in or is that complicated? I think you'd have to get a new car. It's a fucking question. You don't have to be a dick about it. Spoken like a true imbecile

Don't replace the alarm Replace the car Because I'm a billionaire Let's get Let's get back to the Let's get back to you Sean Whatever Let's get back to you Sean

So You seem like you would be Okie dokie Brian You okay over here? Is everything alright? I just want to Alright so Sean you seem like you would be, okie dokie. Brian, you okay over here? Is everything all right? I just want to. All right.

So, Sean, you seem like you'd be a horrible father. Uh, so let's talk about it. What, uh, what are some of the things, uh, that you're bad at that surprise you about the baby? Some things you will do, won't do. You won't change a diaper. Well, I didn't have a dad. Uh-huh.

So I think I'm doing pretty good. That's impossible dude Jesus By the way just because you didn't pull out Doesn't make you a dad You have to earn it So does the baby live with you You live with the girl

You're all together And so what's your least favorite part of being a dad? Probably having a baby. Well, just like time constraints, you know? Don't you have a dog? It's like that responsibility, but like obviously more. So you can't do certain things.

Like what? Like I used to surf a lot. Every day. You ever think about surfing with your baby and it accidentally drowns? Ever think about that? Having a baby is like having a dog where you can't smoke bowls around it. Am I right? It's a real big damper on my surf life here in San Diego. My goodness.

So, Sean, now that you're a dad, you can't surf anymore. Is there anything else you can't do or that you miss doing? Like, you know, you still hook up with other chicks or you stay loyal to the soil? Does she get it sewed up okay? Like, does she get the daddy stitch? Oh, yeah. Is it kind of weird to you? Like you don't like to look at it anymore? No, she's good.

She used to be a stripper. Wow, is that true? My goodness. What was her stripper name? Her stripper name? Yeah. Was Genevieve. Wow, Genevieve. There you go. My goodness. Seriously, drop those off at the front door on your way out.

Genevieve might be one of the saddest stripper names I've ever heard in my entire life. Was that his stage name, Genevieve? Hey, who's having a good time out there? Get ready. We have Ethel coming to the stage. Ethel coming up. Genevieve is up next. Wow.

Very impressive. Well, Sean, was this your first time ever doing stand-up? It was. It was. I could tell. Very good. And you know what? You fucking did it, dude.

You got us started. Good fucking interview. Thanks for being first tonight. There you go. Sean McNabb, everybody. You know when a woman gives birth to a baby, after that, a lot of times, like at comedy shows, they pee themselves.

Did you know that? Yes, yes, I did know that. Did you know that? Did you just find that out or something? Like right now, did you just Google that? I recently found out about that. Yeah, no, that's a common thing. They also poop sometimes when they're making babies too.

It's a big deal. No, I mean like later, Like months, years later, if they laugh, sometimes pee just comes out. Like the muscles that used to hold that in just... Very good. Very good. You've worked the crowd up into a frenzy with their scientific fun facts. Did you roofie

yourself in between shows? Did you get a little drinky poo, Bri Bri? Yep. Wow. Alright, let's keep the fun train moving along. This is bad handwriting, but I think it might be Shawnee Boy. Is that a real thing? Shawnee Boy or Johnny Boy? Here we go.

Here he comes. Here comes Matt Edgar and Kirk Fox mixed together. Oh, my God. Wow. You are. Shawnee Boy, everyone. What's up, La Jolla? Shout out to my fellow gringos.

I don't know about you, but I can't pronounce half the names of the cities down here. But I've always had a philosophy to not commit to one porn category because I didn't want to, like, program myself to only be attracted to MILFs or something. So I would just bounce around from category to category week to week. And then when I finally got into animated, I was mind-blown slash frustrated. My boy

Inspector Gadget is not featured in the animated category. They don't see the potential and money to be made through that. Like, he's a one-man band. Like, go-go, gadget, right arm, triple-sided dildo. Go-go, gadget, left leg, tentacles.

He could be fucking at least seven to ten girls by himself, and I think a lot of people would get off to that. Or at least I would, so maybe I'm selfish, but that's just me. And, uh... Yeah, so if you can would get off to that. Or at least I would, so maybe I'm selfish. But that's just me. And, yeah.

So if you can help me out with that. There you go. All right. Shawnee boys. Oh, Shawnee boys. So what did we do here tonight? We came up here. We talked about what kind of porn we watch and what kind of porn we don't watch.

And then that's pretty much fucking it. That's really it? That's all I had for you. Well, I'll tell you what. There will be blood. I am not happy about this whatsoever. You fucking beach bum Daniel Day-Lewis. This is incredible.

Why are you so upset? Some type of... What are you? You look like a 1970s airline pilot of some kind. Why are you so upset? Some type of, what are you? Look like a 1970s airline pilot of some kind. Like, it's like, my goodness. So let's talk about it, Shawnee. First time ever doing stand-up, please?

Indeed. Okay, thank you, God. Oh, thank you. Wow, that's great. How old are you, Shawnee boy? 25. 25? Wow, almost Shawnee man How old are you, Shawnee boy? 25. 25? Wow, almost Shawnee man.

What do you do for a living? I work for my father in Northern California. Okie dokie. Oh, so the weed business. Is that... Can you give us more of an answer than for your father? What are you, fucking Luke Skywalker? I pick up and deliver parts. Oh, what kind of parts?

Car parts? Heavy machinery. Are you one of the Pep Boys? No. Heavy machinery. Yeah, it's an Irish rock crushing business. Irish rock crushing business. It's called crack cocaine.

Irish rock crushing business. Irish rock crushing business. It's called crack cocaine. Irish rock crushing business. You're crushing Irish rocks? No, the machines come from Ireland. And you crush rocks. And what do they do with the rocks then? We sell and rent the machines to

companies that actually crush the rocks and sell them. What do they do after they crush the rocks? What do they do then? They feed them to the people in Neverending Story? No. It's the gravel business, Tony. Yeah, like making concrete or landscaping. Blarney stones.

Yeah. Very good. Wow. So that's interesting. 25? yep you don't look a day over 43

it's incredible you live around here Southern California? I live in Napa Valley Napa Valley geez oh man that's a wine country

up there huh? very familiar did you oh my goodness. The billionaire is very excited. He's taking a phone call. He's clearly on the phone. Oh, it's your father.

He's disappointed in you. My goodness. Shawnee Boy, is stand-up something you've always wanted to do? It's something I've always fathomed, mainly once I started listening to this podcast. Ooh, fathom a boozy bitches up here. This gravel guy. My goodness.

So, well, you've done it. What else are you into? What else do you like to do? What does a guy like you with a mustache like yours like to do for fun? I dabble with basketball and video games. Basketball and video games? Yeah.

Or basketball video games? Is this like Irish rock crushing? What is this? What exact words are we talking about here? Yeah, I just go to an open gym every Sunday, but I'm definitely not the best. You should go to open mics. Go to open gym.

Hell yeah, you seem like you'd probably be good if you go every Sunday. Some type of like, right? Some type of like, you have some creepy Steve Nash shit going on with your face, right? Yeah. How about your love life? What are we talking about here? Are you crushing those fucking Irish rocks with your heavy machinery, or what are we doing? I'm doing all right.

Well, that's why I'm down here. My girlfriend's from Napa, but she's going to school here in San Diego. What is she studying? Getting a master's in biology. Wow. Look at you. Just heavy machinery. She's the brains of the operation.

What is she into? Does she have any weird hobbies? Is she into anything fun? Is there something that she does that you can't stand? Like black guys? No, she works at a camp every summer in Catalina, and she's just really good with kids and being fun. I know a nine month old kid that's probably going to need a foster

home soon. Alright. Well, Shawnee boy. Shawnee boy, Shawnee boy. I feel like there's something that I haven't asked you that I wish that I knew that had I known it about you, I would have asked you now. I feel like there's something

you're going to be like, well, you know what I should have brought up was something fucking crazy. Am I missing something here? You have some fun fact about you or your family? You've been arrested? I've not been arrested. Some type of fun fact that you own, like you once ate the most shrimp cocktail at a restaurant

or something like that? In the summer of... Talking to the microphone. The summer of 2014, I lived in a Buddhist monastery in China for a month. In a what? A Buddhist monastery. A Buddhist monastery? Yeah.

Oh, for a month? For a month. Were you quiet for that whole month? For the last week, yes. Wow. What were you doing the first three weeks? Just like... The last week? week, yes. Wow. What were you doing the first three weeks? Just like, ah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The last week... There you go. The last week, you were just blowing all the monks. Wow. I love that. What was the plan when you went out there to hang out with the monks? What were you doing? I took an Asian studies class, and it was a free program. All you had to do was pay for the flight,

and once you were there, free room and board, free food. And I figured, why not take the opportunity? Free food, huh? Oh, I think you got Brian sold, huh? You had Brian at Asian Studies. My goodness. Alright, Shawnee boy. Well, you had

your first time on stage and you talked about porn and that's what a lot of people do their first time. You talk about fucking porn and you gotta, you know, if this is something you want to do again, get out there again, punch it up trim the extra words fucking talk about some actual shit.

You know what I mean? Like you said, I didn't think it was that crazy bad. It was just as bad as it gets. It's just what he talked about. Because when you talk about porn it is such a subject where there's so many home runs to be hit that if you don't like like it's not an original topic right either is anything either it's talking about trump

or whatever right i i would agree with that very good we could also rattle off a few more hacky subjects one is trump one's porn everything airplane not everything airplane food's a good one uh not even airplane food anymore, now that's like reborn again. I think that's fresh. Women be like, he has a new airplane joke. Black people be different than white people. Nobody's talking about it. But yeah, porn is just porn.

I mean, and you didn't really have any punchlines, but you covered some honest moments. But my point is that's good for a first set. But now you have to get out there if you want to do it again and punch it up and extend and talk more about really you or take a stand on something. You know what I mean? Commit to an angle or a stance or something like that. Billionaire guy, you thinking over there? Oh, I

watch a very specific kind of porn that's a little no. No. Not whatsoever. What type of porn do you watch? Fucking

Reginald Fontaine. Reginald Fontaine. Yes, I got it. You know, a tiny Asian girl poops on a suitcase full of money and rubs it in poor people's faces. Yes! There you go.

All the way through it without being interrupted. There it is, Reginald Fontaine. And there's Shawnee Boy, everybody. There he goes. Shawnee Boy. Oh, everybody. There he goes. Shawnee Boy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. I fucking love it.

Let's keep this fun train moving. I thought his name was Earl. Let's keep it moving on. Hey, there you go. It's a little something. I remember that show. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Patrick Allen. Here we fucking go.

Wow. Yes. Here we go. Oh, my God. This guy looks like William. Patrick Allen, everybody. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Anal bleaching, much like the struggle, is real.

People do this, and they pay for it, which is why I am trying to start my own anal bleaching business. It's hard to get a solid reputation, though. Right now, all I do is pass out a card. Someone will give me a, you know, they'll set up an appointment. I drive up in a van with nothing but a bottle of Clorox and a toothbrush. That's a clean asshole.

I never understood the appeal of anal sex until I started bleaching anuses. Farts smell like shit, ladies and gentlemen. But sometimes they smell like popcorn. And while I've never wanted to put my wiener in a booty, I have given serious consideration to dipping my nuts into a delicious bowl of hot buttered popcorn, you know what I mean?

Just me on that one. Patrick Allen. Fuck yeah, look at you. You goddamn fucking San Diego Bray Wyatt looking motherfucker. I love this shit. Look at you. What kind of cult are you the leader of? I want to join.

I was going to go home after this. Now you're my new fucking leader, dude. You are the funniest cast away we ever had on the show. Stand-up comedy. So easy a caveman can do it. My goodness. I mean, you are just a little bundle of charisma, huh? Did somebody, like, rub a fucking

lamp in an 18-wheeler and you come out and grant three wishes or something? They rubbed a magic bong and he came out. My goodness. This is the only guy to come here tonight via a pirate ship. Patrick, very good.

You've done stand-up comedy before, correct? Yeah, I've been doing it a few months. Yeah, very, very good. You have a good look. You have a good delivery. Everything's good. You live here in San Diego? Yeah, I live in Chula Vista near the border.

Chula Vista by the border. Wow, a lot of Mexicans excited about that. What is it like to be the last man on Earth? excited about that. What is it like to be the last man on earth? Tell us about you, Patrick. What is it? What do you do?

Right now, I wash dishes. Really? Wow, that's a competitive market here in San Diego. I'm surprised. Did he just flip a coin at him? Yes, he needs it. It landed perfectly smack dab In the middle of that Comedy Store logo I know where the framing is My goodness

So you are the white dishwasher Of San Diego This is incredible They are taking all our jobs, Tony My goodness. How long have you been washing dishes for? About two years now. Two years. My goodness. I have very little

ambition. No, I love it, which means that you have a lot of spare time to have fun and do other things. What do you do other than wash dishes and do stand-up? I'm actually just finishing up my DUI class tomorrow. Yeah! I love it.

Very good. And guess what? He's graduating at the top of his class. He's either graduating at the top or the ZZ bottom. I'm not sure. But very incredible. When you got your DUI, how much had you had to drink? What were you driving?

I was driving a truck. I don't remember how much I had to drink. I was blacked out for sure. That's a good enough amount. I understand now that it was a lot. Was it pretty blatant? Did he make you blow? Did he make you walk the line?

Yeah, all that. I admitted immediately. All albums that I feel like you listen to a lot. Walk the line and blow, the soundtrack from the movie. Yeah, I admitted immediately that I was drunk, but he still made me jump through the hoops and stuff. Really? He made you jump through a hoop?

Literally. My goodness. Did you get pulled over at a circus? Here you go, boy. Jump through this fucking hoop, boy. We're going to light it on fire first. Watch your whiskers.

You know, I got a DUI the other day. Cop made me recite the alphabet, shoot myself out of a cannon, the whole thing. Did this happen to be on the yellow brick road? You trying to get your courage? Fuck yeah. My goodness. DUI class. So, uh, you're, uh, on the yellow brick road. You trying to get your courage? Fuck. Yeah.

My goodness. DUI class. So you're free to drive again? You've been driving? No, I have to wait until I complete it because I actually ran from the warrant.

You ran from? I went to, like I bailed myself out or I had someone bail me out and if you don't go to court then they're allowed to hunt you down. So I went to the first one

but then I never went to another one after that. Oh, my goodness. But they caught me now. Wow. What kind of dog the bounty hunter had to find you? He must have thought he looked in the mirror or something like that. I actually got pulled over right in my bicycle without a headlight. I was just about to say you got it on a unicycle, so that is unbelievable.

You really got a DUI on a fucking bicycle? I got the DUI in a truck, but I ran from the warrant for three years, and I got caught for running from the warrant because I had no headlight on the bicycle. Oh my god. Wow. That's fucking incredible. That is incredible. So Patrick, what else? What else are you into into you seem like a guy that has a few hobbies

you do anything in the water you seem like you'd sit around in a raft all day or perhaps perhaps you know swim your way from Westeros over to the King's Landing or something like that no I'm what the kids call an incel so that takes a lot of time.

Now, that is all sort of new to me. I've read this in descriptions. Yeah, I don't really know much about this. So it's people that just fucking don't want to have sex with anything. No, I try. I'm involuntarily celibate, so I was trying to get laid and I couldn't. And then a couple years ago, I just dropped the involuntary and became voluntarily celibate. So what does that mean?

What do you do to go out of your way? I was reading books, and I'd give my friend $100 in 20s, and I'd say, every time I talk to a girl, give me $20 back. And now I'm about $3,000 in debt. Well, he can't drive the creepy van anymore, so he can't pick up women. So when was the last time you've been with another... Probably like six years ago.

Wow. I got sad. Like nothing? You haven't made out with anybody or anything like that? Not with this going on. Right. You're not into it at all. No.

How much money would it take for you to kiss a woman right now on stage? What do you got on you? I don't know. I'm going to need them back. It appears to be an entire rack of fake $100 bills. That'll do it.

Wow. Is there a woman out there that'd be willing to kiss this man for the sake of this one right there? Bill Tony history. That's a waitress, I do believe. We are taking trans applications as well.

Well, I guess... It looks like involuntary is not the only N-word that you drop. You know what? Why don't we do something fun? Here to give you your first kiss and to do a one-minute set, you know her as the former regular of Kill Tony, it's Ally Makovsky, everybody!

Wow. Wow. Wow, Wow. Wow. Yeah. Wow. There he goes. There's Pat.

One more time for Patrick Allen, everybody. His first kiss in six years. And now, Allie Makovsky. That was actually a really nice kiss. Man, the things I do for stage time. Porn has fucked me up. I've learned how to have sex from watching porn. You know, my parents never taught me

I'm glad I'm not bummed about that I'm very happy I would never fuck a man named Larry that's my father's name Larry it's not even short for Lawrence that man has never made my mom cum for sure she passed that down to me

I can't have an orgasm I always fake orgasms people get upset when they find that out. They're like, why would you let men believe that they made you cum? And I'm like, there's no other way of making it stop. I can't just be like, ooh, yeah, stop. Ooh, yeah, you're not doing it for me, daddy.

Sometimes I forget to turn my porn voice off. I work at a restaurant. I watch so much porn that sometimes I'll go up to tables and be like, oh, you got everything you need over here? Booyah, still got it. That was a minute, three seconds ago. That's Ali Makovsky, everybody. Boom.

Five big laughs, at least in 60 seconds. Now that's what I'm talking about. The porn framework, but with punchlines. That's the exact, what a difference jokes make. A fun set. Allie just spent the entire weekend down here. Killed it for four stand-up shows with me here at the La Jolla Comedy Store this whole weekend.

How's life other than that? She's been opening up for Joe Rogan, one of the more accomplished former Kill Tony regulars. What else is going on in life, Allie Makowski? What else, man? Allie started when she was 19 on this show.

18. 18 on Kill Tony? Yeah. Yep. 18 years old her first time. We had to let her not come on the show for a while because it became 21 and over the club did. And you had to take a year or two off. And then you came back. Came right back.

Yeah. It's weird to be back. It feels very strange. I got the nerves. It was fun. But then I made out with that wood and I kissed him. What did it taste like? It was actually really nice.

He seems like he had was actually really nice. He's a gentle kiss. Is there a flavor that you could describe? That beard or anything? Did you breathe in? Did you hold your breath? Yes, one word, poor. These billionaires are ruthless tonight amongst us peasants. Tasted like Wilson the volleyball.

I think he's throwing up in the porta-potties. He immediately left. Yeah, that is impressive. I think he might truly not in the porta potty. He like immediately left. Yeah, that is impressive. I think he might truly not be into other people anymore. He was shaking the whole time up here. Yeah, it seems like something you'd have to really convince yourself. Like I'm never going to hook up with anybody ever again. Like that's really, I really don't even know.

I don't know if I believe that those guys believe that they believe that. Like I don't really believe any of that. I'm like, oh, what's that again? I don't know about that. Just like a fucking, yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't believe it. Yeah, like Dean Del Rey, he's a comedian, and he's like, I just don't want to do it. I want to spend my time on comedy. Yeah, that's crazy.

It's like, does he have a secret life that he doesn't want us to know? Yes. Okay. Yeah, these guys are all jerking off to the weirdest of things. That's what it is. They're just not into humans anymore. They're into, like, fucking pig butts and shit. You know what I mean? So, Allie, life is good.

You're doing great. I always say you're one of my favorite comedians anywhere. Anything else? What did you think about your first time in La Jolla, Pacific Beach? Man, it was nice. I dropped out of school in San Diego, so it's nice to be

here doing what I dropped out of school for. It's nice. Listen to all those fellow idiots clapping for you. Well, Allie, we're super proud of you. We fucking love you. You're absolutely killing it continuously all the time, and we fucking love you. How about one more time for the great Allie, we're super proud of you. We fucking love you. You're absolutely killing it continuously all the time,

and we fucking love you. How about one more time for the great Allie Makovsky, everybody? There she goes. Fuck yeah. Back to the bucket we go. Everything's good. You guys having fun out there? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. You guys are not the nicest people in the world. You guys are mean. All right. Pull the name out. Ooh, one word name. Look out. Make some noise for Jordan, everyone name out. Ooh, one word name. Look out.

Make some noise for Jordan, everyone. Jordan. Oh, here comes Jordan. Hello. I get hit on for my big boobs a lot, and any time that happens, I want to tell guys the truth, all right? And it's that I'm very lopsided. lopsided all the ladies in the crowd are like oh that's fun sweetie that's normal right that's fine no you have not seen my tits

okay holding the mic like this so you can't tell I don't know what happened at a certain age one of my boobs just checked out dude it was just like I can't just keep going without me. I'm just going to rest on this roll here for a second, I think, and just catch up at the end. Like, if I'm naked and leaning over my boobs, it looks like a bar graph of a company that just had a very successful quarter. It was just Q1 and Q2, dude. It was fucked up. Someone's getting promoted, though, so that's cool.

Like if I ever have kids, they will for sure be breastfed, but for the sole purpose of sucking me even. Right? That's it. Alright, I'm a Jordan Colbert. Booyah! Wow. Powerful. Very impressive,

Jordan. Very, very great set. Is it very great set. Thank you. Is it true? Yes. These are the big boobs that you were talking about? Yeah, I like bind them in very small sports bras, so it's hard to tell now, but... Oh, you got some fucking hangers on.

Yeah, dude. Yeah, it's just fucking... They're like... Wow. It's true, yeah. My goodness. This is very impressive. He's busting out his monocle there.

Do you have big areolas or small ones? Brian is interested in the size of your areolas. Big areolas or small ones? Big areolas or small ones? Well, compared to those big things, everything's... They're like medium areolas, but I'm ginger, so it's like... Puffy. Translucent or puffy.

I don't know, dude. I don't look that. My goodness. Yeah, I feel like I'm selling out my gender here. Are we just glazing off? Selling out your gender? Wow, you hang out with too many bad female comedians, my friend. Whoa, the fact that you even said that right there is very scary.

I feel like I'm selling out my gender. Don't want to hurt the ladies. It's like, it's alright. You guys just don't worry about them. How much? I would like to buy your gender. I feel like I'm selling out my gender. Do women

bust your balls a lot about being too female or something like that? No. I just went to a very liberal college, and that really gets drilled into your brain. Right, of course. But I'm getting out of it, doing comedy, becoming like a real person. I love that.

How long have you been doing stand-up? It's good. Two years. Two years. What do you do for work? I do a podcast. For work. Let me ask you again.

What do you do for a living? Yeah. I do the podcast. It makes me. Wow. What do you do for a living? Yeah, I do the podcast. Wow. What podcast? It's called Muller, She Wrote. It's about the Muller investigation and everything. Oh, cool. Oh. Now I get everything that's happened here.

You don't want to sell out your gender. You're a fucking Hillary supporter, you weirdo. sell out your gender. You're a fucking Hillary supporter, you weirdo. That's your problem. You're still not over that shit? Yeah. You make money off a podcast about the Mueller investigation.

Where do you think those podcast listeners are going to go? Yeah. Now? Yeah. What do you talk about now? There's still so much going on. You have a podcast built around one conspiracy, sweetheart. Oh, wait.

I heard you have Trump socks. Yeah. I don't know if you're real or not, though. Oh, my God. Like, about the Trump stuff. You are hilarious. Okay, so... See...

Yeah, Chroma Chris? Nope. Let's get back... I was just gonna say, your podcast sounds lopsided too Mueller investigation That is so interesting to me How long have you been doing this podcast? We did it when the first indictments dropped.

Right. So like the end of... The indictments for the people that sort of had something to do with the campaign at one point, but really nothing ever came to it. And everybody said that this and that was going to happen when all the winners in life were saying nothing's going to happen. And then nothing happened. I'm going to say yes.

Right, exactly. Just to keep it moving. This isn't a fun conversation. Just out of curiosity though, because you have an entire podcast about the Mueller investigation. Normally, I don't get political on this show, but you just said you have an entire podcast. You're upset about this.

But a podcast that you make money off of that's based completely off the Mueller investigation. So I'm curious. Now, you must know a lot. You must be educated on the subject. What do you think is going to happen next? Do you think President Trump's going to need to get impeached? No, I don't think Democrats are going to do that because I think

the establishment Dems will think it'll hurt Democrats' chances in the elections to do that. Are you moaning at the Democrats or me? There's just one lady that doesn't know what's going on at all in the world. It's okay. She watches The Simpsons instead of the news.

It's all right. It's okay. She has no idea what we're talking about. Yes. But yeah, no, I don't think that they're actually going to move to impeach him. I don't think they're going to. Me neither. Because they can't.

Because he's just a good president. The economy's booming. Anyway. can't because he's just a good president and the economy is booming. Anyway, you billionaires should be right on my side on this one. I don't know if you guys pay attention to your

taxes at all. I do. And I hate the Mexicans. Reginald. Yes. Reginald Fontaine. Yes. I was going to support you,

and then you got very venomous with me all of a sudden. And I don't take that. You talking to me? From anybody.. You talking to me? From anybody. Are you talking to me? All right. Well, Jordan, I have no idea. I don't know what happened.

I think Reginald thinks I may have said something that I didn't. No, no. I won a lot of money when Hillary lost. I'm very up for this. You won a lot of money? Oh, I bet against her very hard. I'm going to for this You won a lot of money? Oh I bet against it very hard I'm going to need that money back Actually I let a friend

So Jordan one last question for you Since we got political here Who are you going for in this next election? There's an entire field of Democrats I've noticed that one of the things That I find interesting is that a lot of the Major Hillary supporters Hate Bernie Sanders for some reason

Which is the only person who has an actual chance of winning at all. So do you stand with him or are you with one of these people that are going to get smashed if they try? Yeah, I think because it's like a populist era, Bernie is the best chance. No, he was the first time

before the Democratic National Committee that you probably support ruined him. I would love to have a more nuanced conversation about this. I know you want me on your podcast. It's not happening. I'm getting out of here. There goes Jordan, everybody. Jordan.

Jordan. There we go. Yes. Back we go. Let's talk about sports next. Yeah. No, I know. There was no peep or poop in that segment.

Red Band's losing its mind, everybody. For you five-year-olds listening to the show. Yeah. Okay, pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Noah Dean Tidwell. Wow, the crowd goes crazy. Here comes the Noah Dean. Awesome. What's up, guys? I know I look like an off-brand kid rock. I told one of my friends that and he was like, Noah, I think the word you're looking for is autistic.

I know I look like I'm from California, but actually I'm from Texas. Which in simpler terms means, I'm living like a king here, but I was living like a prom queen over there. Any other Texans in the house tonight? I'm from a little town in Texas where you dip snuff, you drive your daddy's pickup truck, and you wear your ankle bracelet to your job interviews. Or stick your pecker in your cousin's butt. It just depends what side of the freeway you're on.

I was on the ankle bracelet side. Just so you guys know I'm cool. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Noah. Dean. Tidwell. Yes. I would like to buy you as

my manservant. Heck yes. I'm gonna need those back. Noah Dean. And out of all the things you said you could have looked like, you do not look like the Kid Rock thing. Perhaps Crack Rock is what he meant to say

Noah Dean Tidwell looks like Sean Penn If he fell asleep at the beach Maybe you could have gone with garbage pail kid rock Wow Chroma Chris nailing it You do look like garbage pail kid rock That is very impressive For those of you listening to the podcast That was Chroma Chris nailing it. You do look like Garbage Pail Kid Rock. That is very impressive. For those of you listening to the podcast, that was Chroma Chris.

And that's what he fucking looks like. Somebody yelled out Spicoli or whatever. He kind of looks like the guy. Yeah, there's a little bit of Spicoli in there. If someone had an ECW match on his face or something, fucking like a cheese grater or something. So Noah Dean Tidwell, how you doing, man? How do you feel?

I'm pretty great. It's my second time on the Kill Tony. Were you back in L.A.? Yeah, it was like over a year ago in January of last year. Hell yeah. Who was the guest on that episode? He's some black dude. Wow.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Oh my god. I will give you ten million dollars to be my man servant. Oh my god. Wow. That is incredible.

Noah, do you not like black guys or something like that? No, I have a black roommate. You have a black... Oh, God. You say you have a black roommate? $50 million! You have a black roommate. How long have you lived with a black guy?

Are you sure this is not your cellmate? What are we talking about here? In cellmate. It's been a good year and a half. Do you trust him? Yes. You have a safe or a vault or something in your room under your bed? The thing is, I don't know if he trusts me.

Is that true? Did you ever steal anything from him? I smoked his weed a few times, but he doesn't know. Wow. I don't believe it. My goodness. Afterwards, I reimbursed him with weed, but without telling him.

I was like, hey, bro, you want to smoke a blunt? He was like, yeah, bro, boop. Wow. Fuck yeah. Has anyone ever told you you look like if Rocky Dennis was a surf instructor? Noah Deaton did well.

It's a deep cut. Look it up on the internet and you'll thank me later. So you're originally from Texas. How long have you lived in California? For about almost two years. About two years. What do you do out here?

I work at Lowe's. You work at what? Lowe's. L two years. What do you do out here? Um, I work at Lowe's. You work at what? Lowe's. Lowe's. What do you do there? I help customers and bullcrap them and stuff. You help customers and what? I bullcrap them.

I'm like... Bullcrap them? Yeah, bullcrap them. Wow. You are officially from Texas. Uh... I help customers and I bull crap them. One or the other. Nowhere in between.

I like, if they want like, we have like a 2 for 12 deal. Anyone? 2 for 12. And if they want that, they're like, what kind of soil is this good for? I'm like, well you need this. And honestly, I don't know, but I'm acting like I do. Right, right. No. For sure. I fucking't know about Mackin like I do. Right, right.

No, for sure. I fucking get it. Loyal to the soil, man. You gotta fucking sell that shit. Are you from southern Texas, like Houston, Galveston area? More Fort Worth. Wow, alright. There you go. I think your roommate

responded to that. You look like a melted Hulk Hogan action figure. Yes, that is true. That is another correct analysis. You're welcome. Yes, the penultimate warrior. Noah, what do you do when you're not working or doing stand-up? Any hobbies or anything like that?

You look like the kind of guy that collects snakes, perhaps, or something? Believe it or not... Believe it or not... Believe it or not... What is this, fucking Ripley's? I honestly... I'm gonna learn how to surf,

so that's pretty cool. Wait a second, wait a second, Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. $500 million. There we go. There we go. All right.

Okay. So you just said something. I asked you what you do when you're not, right? And then you said, here's something I'm going to do. I'm asking you what you do when you're not, right? And then you said, here's something I'm going to do. I'm asking you what you do-do. Well... And don't go bull-crapping me. I may bull-crap you a little bit.

All right. Okay. I write. I don't want to say do comedy, because that's... No, other than comedy. I write. And loads. I write, I read. What to say do comedy because that's... Other than comedy. I write. And loads. I write.

I read. What do you write? Manifestos? Why do I feel like you don't know how to read or write now? I feel like you're just lying. You said write first. I write. I read.

I... Bull crap. I'm a very uninteresting person. I'm not very interesting at all. I know that. But I want to know what you do when'm a very uninteresting person. I'm not very interesting at all. I know that, but I want to know what you do when you're being uninteresting. Do you ever kayak?

I skateboard. Yeah, you do? Where the fuck do you skateboard to? No way. Where do you go? What do you do? On your mom. Whoa! Ten billion dollars! This guy fucking skateboards

on my 73-year-old mother back in Ohio. Originally from Texas, lives in California, makes a trip back to Ohio on a skateboard to skateboard on a 73-year-old woman. That's what this guy does. Do you do anything

that does not apply stereotypically to your look? Like, so far, you're like, I scan more than I serve. I eat bugles off of my fingers individually. I also play hacky sack. One time,

I ate a girl out and I left Cheeto dust around her vagina. It's actually a really good question. Is there a fun fact about you that would defy the stereotypes that we have for your appearance? Our last question for you. Like, that fits my look?

Something we would be surprised to know about you. Like, perhaps you won a spelling bee when you were a child or something like that. I was actually in the fourth grade. Me too. Finish your answer, dude. I was waiting for you guys to stop.

In the fourth grade, Noah, are you retarded, dude? You were in the middle of a fucking answer. Go. Joel got a laugh for something else. You go. Answer the fucking question. In the fourth grade, I was MVP at dodgeball because I cried that I lost. Okay, okay.

There he goes. Noah Dean Tidwell, everybody. There he goes. Noah Dean Tidwell. Noah Dean. Good job. He was good. It's a good set.

Second time ever on the show. I interviewed him for way too long. Way too long. Fuck yeah. Back to the bucket we go. Was that guy a real person? It doesn't seem real. Or was he just a 90s cartoon that showed up on the stage?

It's an interesting name. I feel like... I don't know what the hell this is. Per Jessner? Ver Jessner? P-A-V-I-E-S-N-E-R or N-E-V of some kind. I highly recommend you improve your handwriting. Let's go Per Eisner. Here he comes. Per Eisner.

Here we are. Hell yeah. Per Eisner. Fuck yeah. are. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. So have you ever noticed that at Asian restaurants that everybody's Asian? And I feel like it's bullshit, you know, because I applied for a job at an Asian restaurant kind of recently and she used roller coaster sign logic to kind of deny me the job. She came at me and she was like, no, no, your eyes. They're too narrow to work here. She pulled out a yellow card like it was fucking soccer practice.

And she was like, this color. This is what you need to look like to work here. No match. No match. No job. It's fucking bullshit. So, you know, it's hard being white. You know,

I know a lot of people don't think that. You know, you probably say, oh yeah, you know, you're white and you probably get everything handed to you. And I know, but yeah, you're white and you probably get everything handed to you. I know, but... Yeah, that's it. Was there an end to that? Oh my God. Hello.

All right, what's your name? Perry Eisner. Perry Eisner. Yeah, my friend put the name in the card. She has terrible handwriting. She's not from this country, though, so, yeah. Why would you have the friend that isn't from the country sign you up for this show? Why would you do that?

Well, we kind of cheated, and we put my name in three times. Oh. What? Why would you do such a thing? Why would you do that? I don't know. Maybe I'm just not a good person. Wow. You suck. Why would you do such a thing? Why would you do that? I don't know. Maybe I'm just not a good person.

Wow. You suck. You know we're just going to edit you out of the show now. Yeah. I know. I mean, you know. Well, that's what they're here for. It's just a bad thing to do,

especially for the fucking set that you just did. You know what I mean? Have you been doing stand-up for a while? No, this is my first time. First time. And it was worth it to you to cheat the You know what I mean? Have you been doing stand-up for a while? No, this is my first time. First time, and it was worth it to you to cheat the system and be dishonest? Well, no. Maybe not now that I'm here.

So what did you think was going to happen? I didn't think I was going to get called. Oh, my goodness. I mean, why would you think that you wouldn't get called when you have triple the advantage that everybody else that signed up? If you think you weren't going to get called, imagine how they must feel, right? And how do you think my Asian girlfriend feels in the back of the room, you cunt?

Can I just say I personally love this guy's work ethic. I loved his material, and I really think he has a bright future ahead of him. But to set an example, we're not going to keep you up here. You know, you got to keep going, man. You cheated the system, and that's not cool. And boo this man! There he goes!

Perry Eisenhardt. There he goes. There he goes. There he goes. Get off the stage. There he goes. There he goes. There he goes. Get off the stage. There he goes. So, you know, that brought the mood down a little bit. You know, it's a negative energy in the room.

I think we could all admit that, right? But what if I told you that I made sure that a special treat came down here today just in case. you that I made sure that a special treat came down here today just in case just in case something happened like that that I wanted to have somebody here to do a brand new minute of stand up comedy

for you an icon on the show no no no no no no no no unbelievable No, no, no, no, no, no. Unbelievable.

Get in there, get in there, get in there, get in there. Don't look this way. Get in there. Get in that room. Go in that fucking room. You're really fucked up, dude. Jesus. Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from Los Angeles, California,

giving you a brand new minute of stand-up comedy. She is an icon in the history of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great and powerful Aphrodite. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Wow. Wow. Come on, people. Make some fucking noise. Oh, thank you so much. I love you so much. I'm having several orgasms right now. Believe me when I tell you, old people do have orgasms.

You young motherfuckers are not going to get all the orgasms in the microphone, too. Fuck you. Okay, I was in the back just gently peeing on myself. It's refreshing. I had to go. Thank God I keep a lot of napkins with me. Because the room would not be so pleasant right now. Tony can tell you I keep Lysol, all kind of shit.

Because see, when you get in your 60s, that shit can happen with no notice, okay? But anyway, I'm not up here to talk about it. Well, I should tell you about the time I shitted on myself. You look like you want to hear about it, right? Yeah, I was at the store and all of a sudden that shit hit. Keep going, Aphrodite. Was that it? We'll let you finish if you want.

Okay, okay. I had a ball of napkins. Keep napkins. I'm 63. Keep fucking napkins. I'm telling you they'll save the fuck out of you. So anyway, I ran behind a trash can across the street from the store. It's hard to run fast when you got a big ass, okay? I got over there.

I dug down behind the damn trash can. This motherfucker come by staring at me. I'm like, will you get the fuck off? I'm trying to shit here. So anyway, I had a good shit. I had a lot of napkins I was cool Bye Wow Aphrodite

Wow Thank you My goodness clearly with a set ghost written By Brian Redband Yeah you did a good job you forgot the queefing part I'm sorry My goodness He is the chief ambassador of all

poop and peeing on yourself material. Hell yeah. Aphrodite, you fucking did it. I especially love the beginning of your set, which just felt real and felt sort of frightening and exciting. I loved it. Isn't

she an amazing spirit? What are you, 72? Aphrodite? Thank you, thank you. Aphrodite's trip here today from Los Angeles brought to you by the fine people over at Amtrak. Yes. How was your... They real cool at Amtrak. I get to smoke weed with the security guards and shit.

Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. You're the only person, you show up at the Amtrak station They all stare at your caboose Look at that fucking thing Jingle bells You have more junk in your trunk

Than a Mexican family I got all the Laquia's gifts in my ass You know My god, look at this La Jolla, yes, go ahead I was going to say she took Amtrak But she should have taken Soul Train That's alright You got to go home

It's all good Look at that Aphrodite is a real True African American powerful woman. You don't really see many of those around these parts in La Jolla. Seeing a woman like Aphrodite

in La Jolla is like seeing a polar bear in La Jolla. Hey, what are you talking about, Willis? What are you talking about? They don't have real black women like you around here, Aphrodite. And if they do, they tell you, hey, move to another town. Oh, oh, oh, oh. I got to watch it certain parts because I had a policeman stop me in fucking Orange County talking about they was having a problem with black prostitutes.

Oh, shit. I don't even know what the fuck you just said, but I liked it anyway. Yes, I'm going to go with Reginald Fontaine. To be quite honest, this is the closest I've ever been to a black person before. Reginald, let me ask you, Reginald, how do you

Reginald, how do you feel right now? Reginald, how do you feel right now? I have no idea what just happened. What? Wait. But I believe his monocle is now broken. Shit broke my monocle. Her tit, Reginald's monocle,

has been broken in the tit landscape of Aphrodite. Yeah, he got hit with them plantation titties. Oh. Well, I did pay for them. Wow. Wow. Oh, shit. This is how we do it on a Sunday night in motherfucking La Jolla.

It's not my fault. It's happening. How about another hand for the great, you good? The great and powerful Aphrodite, everybody. Oh, love you. You know, it's one of those things that I just like to hope that when I'm that age... You have a body like that? The queen, Aphrodite.

Man, getting to see how excited... You should see the looks on this fucking audience's faces when I just brought her up. So exciting. You know, I hope that I have that kind of spirit and happiness when I'm that age. You know what I mean? I hope that I have that kind of spirit and happiness when I'm that age. You know what I mean? And in order to keep myself feeling young and staying healthy, I love to use Infinite CBD.

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How about that, huh? Put some InfiniteCBD lotion on her butt, Aphrodite's butt. Whoa, lotion on the butt. Hey. What happened to your face? Did she put her tit on you? What do you mean? He's got a...

We couldn't see it. A pipe. Oh yeah, what did happen when your face was on the other side of Aphrodite's... We had a bad angle over here. We were in the book depository. We couldn't see shit. What happened? I saw the future. Repository. We couldn't see shit. What happened?

I saw the future. Little mulatto children running around. Me disowning all of them. It was beautiful. Wow. I love it. Do you have any more ads to read? Make your money, boy.

No, we're good, buddy. Thank you. You get it. You get it. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This is a one-word name. It's going to be interesting to see how real this is. Make some noise for Andrew, everybody.

Just one word. Wow. There he is. Come on, everybody, one more time for Andrew. Hey, guys, thanks a lot. Scared as shit right now. I wanted to hear Blacklisted, but I figured I had to come up here and give it a shot at least. I was in the john earlier.

This guy fucking had a huge fucking cock. Fucking arms are up, laid out, and fucking thing's just pissing straight. I'm like, what the fuck? Is there an anchor at the end of that thing or what? Telling myself, shit, let's give it a shot. A little pressure behind it, fucking like a propeller. Jesus Christ. Thinking about getting my first tattoo.

I was thinking about getting some hair tattooed on my ass. Just for when I shave it. You know, it's still there. Wax it. That's all I got, guys. Thank you so much. I get it. I know what's up.

Fuck yeah. How you doing? So that's the first ever comedy set, correct? First ever, buddy. There you go. His first set, everybody. The sheep of the first time. There's your minute, and there is your sheep.

Welcome to stand-up comedy. Thank you. You fucking did it. I did it. Scared as shit still. So when did you decide that you were going to sign up for tonight? About a month ago. About a month ago.

And you said, I'm not going to write anything until I get there. Exactly. And then you got here and you went pee. Next to me. Reginald Fontaine. Yes, when did you decide to write about your tiny penis and hairy butt? Right when we got here. There you go.

Spoken like a true loser. It's interesting, you know what I mean? Like, you went with it. Did you, I mean, that's not really true, right? You didn't pee everywhere, right? Didn't go crazy. Let me give you, let's just cut to it. The piece of advice, I rarely give advice anymore, but since it's your first time and there's probably a lot of people listening that would be interested in knowing where that went wrong because it did go wrong at one point. But you know, you did a, you did a little thing

with your arm. You went to explain what your penis did compared to what the guy in the setup, the huge cock, the anchor cock or whatever, what he did. But you just have to describe that with words. You have to figure out what is that, right? So it's like a garden hose with no fucking thing on it or a snake being charmed by an Egyptian guy. You have to try to figure out in words what that spraying thing looks like and say it. Candy cane. You can't just, you know what I mean? I thought a propeller.

Yeah, that would have been fine. It looked like a fucking propeller. My piss looked like a fucking propeller if you really believe it and you say it like that. Yeah. You know what I mean? You gotta figure it out. Now, let me just describe you to the podcast listeners here. This is what the ultimate warrior looked like right before he died.

You seem like you used to do some bodybuilding or some real man shit or something like that. You have a fucking man head. Just work. What kind of work? You work with wood. You work with lumber. You build houses. Painter. Pain kind of work? You work with wood. You work with lumber. You build houses. Painter.

Painter. Really? Not an artist. You just paint houses? Yes, sir. You paint businesses, too? I can, yeah. Wow.

Interesting. You run your own business? Yes. Huh. They're taking all our jobs. They really are. It's incredible. Painter, dishwasher.

White painter. That is incredible. Painter, dishwasher. White painter. That is incredible. You've been painting your whole life? I have. Has anyone ever told you that you look like the guy that rapes the comatose Uma Thurman in the movie Kill Bill? Buck? I've never been told that. Your name's Buck and you like to fuck, is that correct?

I do like to fuck. No, it's not really Buck. No, Buck's the nurse that lets this guy in. And he throws him the Vaseline and he's like... You know what I'm talking about? Look at this audience. Show them your fucking face. There you go.

See, it's him. It looks just like him. My name's Taint and I'm here to paint. All right. I love it, man. Who's this harem of La Jolla chicks that you came here with? This is like a cast of Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

Sea lions. We got my girlfriend and my sister, brother-in-law. Looks like your lady's been huffing some of the paint that you got at the house. Oh, that's his wife? Oh, that's his sister, and you're his wife. Your sister's your wife? Oh, that's his sister, and you're his wife. Hey, your sister's your wife?

Future fiance. Wow. Damn, look at that. A bunch of hoes talking over there. Crazy. Wow. Damn. Your wife's got big tits, dude.

She does. How long have you two been together? Three years. Three years. Where'd you guys meet at? We met 25 years ago. We met 25 years ago. You met 25 years ago. Yes. But you've only been together for three

years. Yes. Let me guess. You guys were in other relationships. Things weren't ready at the time. Correct. And then three years ago it's just fucking... Yeah. She saw it. She wanted to have it. Hell yeah. I love it. When you guys first hooked up was it in your place, her place?

Was it in Rowley's parking lot? What are we talking about here? I think it was in a camper. It was what? It was in a camper? In a camper. Whoa. Fuck yeah.

Is that when you guys went on a date to one of the San Diego lakes or something like that? No. It was in our friend's front yard. Whoa. This is very good. this is very good. This is very good. This is a true story, right? Friend's front yard in the camper,

and you fucking went from the camper to the fucking pamper. It wasn't a pop-up until you were inside. Yeah. Hell yeah. More like a winner, bago. You know what I'm talking about? My goodness. How many coats did you put on? You know what I'm talking about? My goodness. How many coats did you put on?

Glove box. Glove box? Nothing. How's the glove box? Tight. Glove box. More like love box. Am I right?

Camper jokes. Speaking of canopy, you know what I'm saying? Hello. Anyway. So camper sex. Was that fun for you? All sex is fun. Yeah. I like your fucking style, buddy. That's exactly what

the guy that raped Uma Thurman and killed Bill would say. Exactly what I would expect out of you. Well, Andrew, I'll tell you this, man. You seem really comfortable up there. Even the hilarious dude that kissed Ali Mikovsky earlier, even though he had a great set and everything, but he's fucking, you guys probably couldn't tell,

but he was shaking vigorously the entire time he was up there. I am too. Oh, okay. There you go. I like it. Hell yeah, those women like his softer side. I love you, man. You fucking did it.

If this is something that you got a little rush from, I encourage you to go to more open mics, keep doing it, have fun with it, write a lot, get it all out there, and remember to fucking write out what you're trying to describe to the audience. You can't always depend on showing them. Sometimes you got to fucking let them know. There you go. Paint the picture. There can't always depend on showing them. Sometimes you gotta fucking let them know.

There you go. Paint the picture. There goes Andrew, everybody. Alright. This place is in chaos right now. Whoa, look at that. A real standing kiss. Damn, he just kissed his sister, too. look at that. A real standing kiss. Fuck yeah. Oh, damn. He just kissed his sister, too. Look at that.

Holy shit. You podcast listeners. This is fucking... Wow. My goodness. I want to put a fucking... I want to put a hidden camera on their camper. You know what I'm talking about? I would like to pay to watch you two have sex later.

Alright, well, how many of you are fans of Kill Tony? How many of you guys have to watch? Well, you'll never believe it, but we have another massive surprise for you. I know

that you have no idea what it could possibly be. There's no chance that you have no idea what it could possibly be. There's no chance that you, I mean, your minds are about to be fucking blown because I present to you the regular of Kill Tony, William Montgomery! Come on, one more time. It's the real William Montgomery, everybody. It's so weird.

I was actually the actor. I was the only male actor in an all-female soccer team movie. It was called Ladybugs. I don't know if... Last time I got a response like that, it was at the Oscar

screening for Ladybugs. At the time, I was heavily addicted to a drug called ephedrine. So I had to stop doing cocaine with Ja Rule because every time we'd do it, he wouldn't stop saying,

Holla! Holla! I'd be like, Ja Rule, we're at the Applebee's bathroom. Are you sure you're going to do it? Keep it down, man. And he'd be like, Holla! Holla! Gonna do it, keep it down, man. And he'd be like, holla, holla. Job rule, it's Easter, we're at my Episcopal church.

There you go, William Mott Gummer. Wow. It's so nice to be here. Who in the fuck just put their head back when I said that? I'm trying to have fun tonight. It's my Thursday. I open up with something like that, and I see some motherfucker in the back putting their head... What's going on? William, William, it's okay.

It's all right. I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it. But that reminds me, have you had any trouble on the Internet lately? Any of those people bothering you? I had trouble with a phone number on my phone last Monday. I was on some ephedrine. It was late night.

I was calling old buddies in my cell phone, and I called a guy named Norman Brown, who I thought was a comic friend from Boulder, Colorado. Turned out it was a narc from Texas. He answered the phone. I was like was like hey please take this number down 901-489-2987 it's my aunt tell her I love her I'm stuck in an underwater cabin system

probably a mile and a half in just Tennessee I don't know where my buddy Tony Chin is. My glow sticks are going out. Wow. And literally 30 minutes later, I'm getting calls from my mother, her cell phone. I pick it up.

It is an African-American lady police officer from Memphis asking me if I was in a cavern. Alright, William. Straighten it out over here. Crowd goes wild.

They love you. They get it. We all love seeing how far you can take this crazy shit. I like how William blew his cover earlier. He's like, he heard Icon. He's like, yep, let's do this. And then Tony's like, no, the other Icon. Get out of here later, William.

You're ruining the surprise. I have Legionnaire's disease. Get out of here later, William. You're ruining the surprise. I have lesionary disease. I have four years left to live. I can't swim. I can't open up my eyes in a pool. I have four years left. I have four years left! You have four years left of life?

I, I... The one thing that concerned me the most was that there at the end when you said you have four years left. What do you mean? We have four years left of what? I had a... Hold on, the world's largest busboy has to come in and grab a few glasses. We'll grab the glasses after the show, buddy. Thank you. Get the fuck out of here!

Jesus fucking Christ, dude. Come on! Do we really need to bus a few glasses right down the middle right now? The fuck's going on? We'll all help you with the glasses after the show, Comedy Store. We will go back there and watch them ourselves. Jesus fucking Christ. This is a live podcast.

Where am I? Hey! Oh, I love it. This might be my favorite appearance of you on this show ever. If y'all don't mind, if y'all don't mind just every time there's a stage with something like this, let me give y'all probably my best joke.

Oh, wow, This is very exciting. This is going to be something physical. I told him it was his best performance so far, and then he decided to push it to the limit. Let's see what happens here. All right, William, it's all yours, dude. This is an impression of my father during all of my third-grade soccer games.

Nailed it. Nailed it. Nailed it. He went behind the curtain for you podcast listeners. He disappeared. All right. I mean, what can I say? There he is, the real fucking deal. William Montgomery, everybody.

All the way from beautiful Los Angeles, California. Crowd's going crazy. I don't know how we can top anything that's happened, but, I mean, maybe we should try. Should we go to the bucket one more time, huh? All right, let's do it. Why not?

I mean, any time I've ever asked that, I've done it. So, I mean, who would have guessed? We're going to the bucket one more time. All right. Looks like an interesting name. Put your hands together for Caroline B. Caroline B. Oh, wow, here she comes.

From the real audience, everybody, from row number three. Hello. From the real audience, everybody, from row number three. Hello, hello, thank you. I was hoping that I would be the first lady of the night because that makes it sound like I married the president of hookers. Instead, I'd like to first take this opportunity to let you all know how perfectly symmetrical and even my breasts are. No difference there, no difference. It may come as no surprise to you that, like many people who get on a stage and tell jokes into a microphone for validation,

I've suffered from mental health issues in my past. I've even been briefly hospitalized because it turns out that preferring a nice cozy dirt nap to all of this bullshit is problematic. But I've learned to cheer up. I'm better now. I've even written some jokes that I'd like to share with you guys. Here we go. Why is everyone in hell black? Nobody, nobody, why? It's all the soot from the eternal hellfire That's all it is, you guys That's all it is Thank you, thank you

There you go, sure Wow, I mean, that's incredible you got up from the actual audience is that your first time doing stand up it is wow that is that is extremely extremely impressive

you did absolutely everything right very very smart improvised joke right from the top. First Lady of the Night, President of Hookers. I mean, that's just fucking hilarious. Great gap. The whole cast of this show all sort of looked at each other like, oh, that's funny.

Because we haven't heard anything like that before, First Lady of the Night. And very smart stuff. And then you even rolled with something that happened earlier in the night. The lady talking about her lopsided boobs. You acknowledge that. And then you did an edgy joke to close it out.

I can't believe that's your first time. Did you write more jokes in preparation for this? I wrote a single follow-up joke. Right. Go ahead. Why are all black people, not soot-covered individuals, but actual people

of color, black people, why are they all so afraid of Satan's lake of fire? Why? It's eternal damnation, you guys. That's scary. I thought it was going to be because they can't swim. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha.

So you could do that, and you could tag it with that. You could be like, I know you all thought it's because they can't swim. Gotcha. You could say that part, and you get the same laugh that I just got. I can confirm they are symmetrical. Indeed. Caroline is a beautiful young woman. You seem like a happy California girl.

You have a happy fucking guy over there. Looks like he's got a black belt in jujitsu, so I'm going to be really nice. I'm going to be nice. And by black, he means a fiery burning belt around his waist. A little soot-covered belt. Caroline, this is your first time doing stand-up. Really great stuff.

What do you do? What do you do for work? What doup. Really great stuff. What do you do? What do you do for work? What do you do for a living? What do you do to have fun? Tell us all about you. I'm a registered patent agent. Wow. Interesting.

If you have an idea, call me. I can tell you that it's not novel or unobvious. I have this great idea. I think we should do something where you can buy other people and you can have them we do auctions it's a whole thing I think it's a groundbreaking idea we should instate

I think that's problematic so patent lawyer how long have you been doing that for? about two years how about for fun? You seem like the type of girl that goes and just picks flowers while rollerblading and shit, right? Am I close to right? Get super blazed, just enjoy the flowers.

Is that what you do? Yes. What else? Can you give us some other examples? Perhaps you fly kites while kayaking at the same time. I do not. I do yoga. Red Band actually does yoga as well

Yeah Yes, he has one pose It's called trying to suck his own dick And pretty soon it will just be sucking his own dick Redman does frozen yoga How long have you been doing yoga for a long time a few years yeah you seem so peaceful and alive and happy and positive is there any crazy yoga pose you

could show us is that you know when you learn have you learned any cool ones anything uh amazing can you like almost do a split the splits? Can you almost suck the tip of your labia or something? What else other than yoga? Is there anything else that you're into? You ever go beach paintballing or something like that?

You ever ride the whales or dolphins or anything? You ever commit a hate crime? No. I have two mini long-hair wiener dogs that take up a lot of my time. Whoa, Red Band only has one mini long-hair wiener. Just kidding. We know he's got an above-average-sized penis

that he can suck on, so... He can do it. We've seen it before. That's so rude, dude. So how old are your dogs? 10 and 11. Wow. How long have you been with that dude over there, that fucking guy?

We've been together about six years, married about two. We were married by Elvis in Vegas. Wow, that's very cool. Is he ever jealous of the dogs that you have a longer relationship with them than he? It's very cool. Fuck yeah.

What does he do? I'm just the ghost of a former billionaire over here in the corner. What does he do? I'm just the ghost of a former billionaire over here in the corner. What does he do? He's a transportation engineer. Transportation engineer? Is that an Uber driver? What the fuck are we talking about here?

The fuck are we talking about? He designed that rail expansion that's being built along the five. Maybe you've seen it. Oh, wow. What seen it. Very exciting. What a nerd. Hell yeah. I like it. Do your two wiener dogs sleep in bed with you? They do, yes.

Wow. Look at that. Incredible. Do they sleep in between you two? No, they sleep at our feet. Oh, hell yeah. You guys seem like such a happy couple. Look at the smile on this fucking guy. He's just ear to ear.

He's like Asian eyes. He's so happy. Did he buy you those? He did not. No, those are natural. Come on. What? Proving.

Whoa, red band. Red band. Now you look at me. I did not say that. Alright, Caroline. Well, I mean, you were fucking just so great for a first time set and really for any set. I mean, very, very impressive.

You rolled with the punches. You wrote through it. Way to close the night. First time for Caroline B., everybody. And there you have it. How about a hand for Ryan J. Ebelt, everybody? Look at this drawing. Hello.

There it is. He drew that while you all sat there and did absolutely nothing. He drew that. We have new Kill Tony posters that made for the road, especially that will be being sold right out there in that lobby, right after this show.

If you get one, we'll sign them for you. We'll take a picture with you if you want. And we'll see you out there. But we will be moving quickly. So if there's a message that you want to tell us, write it to us via social media or something like that. Don't tell us in person now because we want to get home. How about another hand for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, everybody? Jeremiah's got a new album coming out June 7th, available on all platforms,

as is his podcast, Jeremiah Wonders. It's all great. Anything else, Jeremiah? Follow me on social media, at JeremiahStandUp, and then also I'll be back here at the La Jolla Comedy Store May 24th through 26th, featuring Ben Gleib. I'm going to. How about another hand for the great and powerful Chroma Chris? Chroma, what did you think of tonight's episode?

It was rich, Tony. How about another hand for the great and powerful Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, huh? Joel Berg, is that mostly sorry on all social media platforms? Anything else, Joel? I love you guys. Peace. La Jolla, thank you so, so, so, so, so fucking much. Thank you for coming out. We love you.

We're going to see you again soon. Thanks, guys. Good night. Good night.ご視聴ありがとうございました I should be