KILL TONY - KILL TONY #343

Episode Date: May 6, 2019

Jim Gaffigan, Nick Swardson, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 04/29/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to all the shows. You can click on tour dates. Not only are we doing Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store, but we're on the road. We're about to start this huge world tour. The next one is Phoenix, Arizona. That's right.

We're returning to Phoenix. Also, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Utah, Boise, Idaho, Spokane, Washington, Portland, Oregon, Vancouver, and Seattle, Washington. Go to DeathSquad.tv. Click on tour dates to find the entire list of this world tour. Again, that's DeathSquad.TV, click on Tour Dates. Also, you can check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony. And Ryan J. Ebelt, he draws every episode.

He drew the Kill Tony book and the new poster. Go to Ryanjebelt.com and last but not least shopsquad.tv that's the official merchandise of the death squad universe you have the kill tony shirt well there's only a couple left and you also have death squad hats and thermals and mugs go to shopsquad.tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is red band coming to you live from the road, famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Henscliffe. Wow. Hi, everyone. Come on. Make some noise. We're here on a Monday. Live. Kill Tony. The number one live podcast in the world. Make some noise for the great Red Band. Hey, guys. Hey, everyone. We have Ryan

J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode. We're coming fresh off of two huge shows in La Jolla last night. Hello to the thousands watching around the world on lovely YouTube. By the way, if you ever go to San Diego and you like the Comedy Store, check out the La Jolla Comedy Store. It's the coolest thing. It's like a different version of the Comedy Store. It's really neat. True.

I love that place. It's unbelievable. We had so much fun there. Rumors are circulating that it might be a new coolest thing. It's like a different version of the Comedy Store. It's really neat. True. I love that place. It's unbelievable. We had so much fun there. Rumors are circulating that it might be a new quarterly thing. Yeah, we should definitely do it. Kill Tony La Jolla once every three months. Two sold-out shows on a Sunday. That's ridiculous.

What better way to enjoy a Sunday than making a nice drive down to the ocean and doing a couple shows coming back? And the tour never ends for us. Hard for us to find a free Sunday anymore, including in two weeks, Phoenix, Arizona, Las Vegas, Nevada, Salt Lake City, Boise, Idaho, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Chicago, Illinois, Madison, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Poughkeepsie, New York, and the Gramercy Theater in New York, New York, which just sold out, so we added another show and the Gramercy Theater in New York, New York, which just sold out. So we added another show at the Gramercy Theater on a Thursday.

And that's a big-ass place. Selling out a massive theater on a Thursday. No big deal for a podcast, right? Fuck yeah. Life is good. All the prints from Ryan J. E. Belt, including the Kill Tony posters, are available at ryanjebelt.com. A lot of fun stuff happening. Great guests every single week on this show.

And you guys are in for a treat tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. You know him from all his hit movies. It's his first time ever on Kill Tony. Make some noise for the great and powerful Nick Swartzen, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, it's perfect. Come on, it's Nick Swartzen, everyone.

Hi, everybody. It's Nick's first time on the show. Oh, my God. How's everybody doing? Yeah, we're giving away scissors. Yeah, you get to do whatever you want with those throughout the show. If anyone talks smart-alecky to you, you give them a little cut-cut in their butt-butt. A little snip.

I'm excited to have you on the show. Thank you. I love you, Tony. How great is Tony? So many blessings. Thank you very much. So many blessings. It's his first goatee.

It's my first goatee and your first kill, Tony. Basically the same thing. We're having the same feelings right now. It's a little bit unnatural to us. Perhaps we're not exactly built for the goatee. You know what I mean? A lot of people say that my goatee is weird because my mustache is split in the middle. That's the new thing.

Someone on the sidewalk asked me today, they're like, hey, what do you do, laying a plane in the middle of your mustache? I'm like, who the fuck are you? Oh, that guy's coming in hot, dude. He's coming in, I didn't even realize that I have a weird middle thing in my mustache. Redband pointed it out yesterday, ever since then. It's coming in hot. I didn't even realize that I have a weird middle thing in my mustache. Red Band pointed it out yesterday. Ever since then,

it's been a conspiracy. People on sidewalks. It's just weird. It doesn't grow right here. It doesn't grow at all right there. People are like, what's up with the middle

of your mustache, you idiot? They're always Italian and on a sidewalk for some reason. It's crazy to me. Yeah. So we're going to get

the show going. I don't know if you know this, Nick, since it's your first time, So we're going to get the show going. I don't know if you know this, Nick, since it's your first time, but we have a band on this show. The band is the best damn band in the land. Oh, my God. Every single week they commit to being different characters. They stay in character throughout the show. Sometimes it's a brand-new character.

Sometimes it's the return of legendary characters. Is it Coldplay? It could be. They could be Coldplay tonight. They haven't done that one before. It could be a first. Let's all find out what they are together. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the best stamp band in the Land That Killed Tony band.

Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, we know these guys. Oh, we know these guys for sure. These are the emos, everybody. We've had them on before, some of the most famous characters in the history of Kill Tony. They are emotional. Am I correct? Do I have that right? Oh, my God.

I'm going to kill myself, Tony. Oh, my goodness. My name's Darwin. Wow. That's awesome. Jeremiah in his iconic emo character. He's got a lot of stuff in his hoodie pockets for some reason. What's going on down there?

What's in that? Whoa. Whoa, that's a little baby. Wow. Someone came ready to party. Look at that. Even your saxophone's emotional tonight. I sold my soul for this.

Wow. Whoa, that was deep. And then we have, oh, there goes Chroma Chris, everybody. He's done tonight. His job here is done. And then back here on drums, clearly we have what appears to be some type of, I don't know, transgender gardener or something like that. Oh, really funny, Tony. I already got beat up eight times, so nothing that you say is going to hurt me.

Don't make fun of my friend. He's on suicide watch. Ah, idiot. Fucking Winona Ryder. Should be a fun show, I guess. Goodness. Then we have Chroma Chris over there who clearly is a homeless emo.

Very rarely do you see an emo standing next to a barrel fire. They're called homos. Wow. Alright. Well, I love it. I'll tell you, we have the emos, we have

Nick Swartzen, Red Bands here. And right here I have a bucket filled with comedians' names who signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds on this stage. If I pull your name out of the bucket, that means you get to go up to that microphone and do your version of stand-up for 60 seconds. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then,

or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Right. There you go. Wow. Okay. There's a moose there at the end. A very long, loud moose. And a rat, it appears, as well.

So, you guys ready to start this thing? It's Kill Tony, live from the main room of the Comedy Store Here we go Excited about this Anything can happen here tonight So let's see Foreshadowing

The show will start with 60 uninterrupted seconds By Andrew Pupa Andrew Pupa Pupa Andrew Pupa. Andrew Pupa. Ah, Pupa. Pupa. Andrew Pupa. One more time for Andrew Pupa, everybody.

Thanks. So a lot of people give shit to people who are, like, jacked. You try to stay in shape. They're like, oh, that guy's so into himself. No, that guy's so sad. No one's ever put up 400 pounds and been like, my dad loved me so much. That's never happened.

It's always like, I told you I'm not gay, Dad. And if I am, it's 2019. Get over it. And how come I drink so many protein shakes and I still feel so empty inside? It's crazy, like, do you have any idea what type of, like, serious depression it takes to look at yourself in the mirror

and hate that person enough that you build an exoskeleton of muscle so no one ever sees that person again? Recently, I started taking CBD for my back. They got to be more specific about those side effects, because yesterday I woke up with the Joe Rogan tattoo. It was weird. It's weird. You ever see pubic hair on a toilet seat?

That's disgusting. But don't leave that toilet. Get down low and blow those hairs off. Those are wishes. Don't waste wishes. Thank you so much. I'm Andrew Pupa. There you go.

Andrew Pupa. Heck yeah. Clearly, this is your first time on the show? Yeah. Very good. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. Five years.

Man, is that true? If that's true about the CBD that made you have a Joe Rogan tattoo the next morning, may I recommend Infinite CBD? They offer the cleanest, healthiest, and purest forms of CBD available. It's the month of April. We use the freezing point topical cream. Me and Tony use it together. Yeah, it's great for injuries and insomnia.

I use the CBD gummies that help you fall asleep. They're very calming. And you might hear about CBD a lot, but there's a lot of different CBD companies popping up. A lot of them are bullshit. That's why this is the purest CBD you can find. And they actually have a third party that tests it for its purity. It's very pure.

Other companies just throw together some creams and call it CBD, but not Infinite CBD. It's true. Go to InfiniteCBD.com. You can see which one of their products is going to help you live a healthier life. Go to InfiniteCBD.com and use the promo code Tony15, and they will give you 15% off. That's right. Infinite CBD, Tony15, 15% off. I'm on it right now.

Yes, Emotional Jeremiah. Yeah, it's Darwin. You know what else is infinite? Death. Wow. All right. Wow. You know what's not infinite?

My parents' marriage. That was Chroma Chris. That was silent but deadly Chroma Chris over there. Andrew Pupa. It's Travi. What a cute little last name you got. What's Pupa?

What ethnicity is that? It's Pupa, but it's Italian. Pupa. You're Italian. There you go. There's some Italian music for you. The shirt that you're wearing says OC Burrito Project. What does that mean to you?

I hosted a charity function at this homeless shelter function, and they give out free burritos in Anaheim to homeless veterans and stuff. Hilarious. Yeah, why'd you laugh about that? What the fuck? Why were you laughing? Because the guy who runs it was a really insane guy. He was really zany and it was weird.

And he wants to eat. When you say zany, what do you mean? Can you give us an impression of him? I think he called himself Jim the Bucket Man or something. The guy who ran it called himself that. Jim the Bucket Man? Yeah, he was a weird guy. They canceled this since.

It's been canceled. The city didn't allow them to give out burritos anymore. It's over. Wow. That was nice of them. Where are you from, Andrew? Boston. Boston. How long have you been in LA? Six years now. Six years. What do you do for a living? This is boring.

I work for a nephrology corporation like DaVita Dialysis. What? People with failed kidneys. I do medical What? It's people with failed kidneys. I do medical stuff. Oh, you help people with failed kidneys. Yes. What do you do? You like plug two...

So you like help them with like catheters and things like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. More like needle, like putting in needles and cleaning their blood and all that stuff. Where do you put the needles into? Describe it for us. Like their veins, like they basically take a vein and make it gigantic, and then they put giant needles in it. I thought it was going to be like penis or balls or something like that.

What? A needle penis? Well, that's all really fucking awesome, dude. Yeah. It's great. It's a lot of fun. Holy shit, dude. But great job.

I mean, you have good stage presence for sure. Thanks. Yeah. That wasn't a diss. That you have good stage presence for sure. Thanks. Yeah. That wasn't a diss. That was actually a nice thing to say. I have a fashion question. I always notice people that have their pants rolled up like that. Do you always buy the pants longer and then you roll them up on purpose?

Or do you just like, you know, these pants are a little long, I may roll them up. Yeah, between your jeans and the burrito on your shirt, everything's rolled up. You know what I'm saying? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Is that a phone or a burrito in your pants? I mean, hey, what's going on here?

Whoa! Looks like that fundraiser's been canceled. Oh, my God. All right. Oh, yeah. Good question. Good question, Brian. How many rolls you got there?

Yeah, two rolls. Two rolls. So you buy them longer on purpose? No, I just did it because they were long. Got two rolls and a burrito. What is this, a buffet? Whoa! What am I, the 80s comedian tonight?

Whoa! All right. Andrew, tell us something that we'd be surprised to know about. You seem like a good kid. You seem to have your life together. You look like the fucking guy from A Bronx Tale. Everything's good for you. You know what I mean?

I run ultra marathons. That's like a different thing. Wow. What are ultra marathons? Like long distance, like really long distance races, like 100 mile races and stuff. Oh my god. What's a normal marathon? I don't know. 26.2 miles.

What's the longest you've ever run? 100. A fucking 100 miles? Miles. Where did you run to? What are you? Alright, Forrest Gump. Alright, what the fuck? Where do you start and end? Like what is that? In Colorado, I was like on a mountain.

You were in Colorado? Where'd you run to? It's basically off the plateau and then back over the mountain and then you finish. At a fish concert? Yeah. That's where you finish? I got a question. What are you running from? Everything.

My past! I love it. So what are you running from? During that race, I ran from a bear. At like 4 a.m., I got chased by a giant brown bear. Never mind. Holy shit. Is that true?

Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. 86 miles into the race, it just, like, was across a playing field, and it was, like, a 1,000-pound brown bear. It just, like, growled at me, stood up, and I just ran. Wow. Did it chase after you, or were you just running anyway?

You're like, fuck, might as well just keep running. At first, I was kind of frozen there because it had its, like, cub, so I knew it would, like, attack me if I went near it. But after, like, five seconds, I was like, I'm probably going to die anyway. So I just took off. If you really had a Rogan tattoo, you would have shot it and ate it, dude. Do you have any tattoos?

Yeah. What is that? I went to Thailand when I was 16, and I just got a tattoo while I was there. It's nothing fantastic. Ziggy or something? What is it? You went to Thailand when I was 16, and I just got a tattoo while I was there. It's nothing fantastic. Ziggy or something? What is it? You're right.

It's definitely nothing fantastic. Any other fun facts about you, Andrew, that we'd be surprised to know? You in love? Yeah, I've been with my girlfriend for six years. You've been with a, wait, what? My girlfriend for six years. Must be nice!

Wow, where'd you meet her at? We actually, this is lame, we met at the gym six years. Must be nice! Wow, where'd you meet her at? We actually, this is lame, we met at the gym six years ago. Jesus Christ, Andrew. Oh my god. What were you, what workout were you doing? Oh, I'm just doing my pant rolls, you know what I mean? This is like ten sets

for me today, just rolling pants, dude. Takes concentration. You guys met at the gym? Yeah. She's today, just rolling pants, dude. Takes concentration. You guys met at the gym? Yeah. She's like, oh my God, I noticed you were on the treadmill for like seven hours today. Dude, you must run like ultra marathons or something.

Pretty much. That's pretty spot on, actually. Wow. Why is there a bear behind you? Well, Andrew, it was nice to meet you, dude. You got the show kick-started tonight. Yeah, man. Great job, Andrew. There he goes, Andrew Pupa, everyone.

Great job, dude. Because you kill me. You know you do. You kill me well. Can I just say, Darwin, I have never seen a stronger hairline in my entire life than what you are rocking. I mean, that thing basically really starts at your eyebrows.

Yeah, that's low, dude. Just a compliment. Look how pouty he looks. Yeah, you don't seem like you take compliments well at all. This is my first one. Back to the bucket we go. You guys get the show? You having fun?

We're meeting people. It could have been you that signed up. Who knows? You could be next. Make some noise for Forrest Kelly, everybody. Forrest Kelly. Here he is. That's right.

My name is Forrest Kelly. That's two shades of green. I like to smoke a lot of weed. Sometimes I get so high, I get in the auto zone. Start doing shit, I don't even realize I'm doing it. Like, tried to unlock my apartment with my car keys the other day. Not even the key part, but the key fob. Trying to beep open my apartment with my car keys the other day. Not even the key part, but the key fob. Just trying to beep open my apartment.

I've been smoking weed for a long time. I got caught smoking weed in sixth grade. Parents caught me smoking weed in sixth grade. They were super pissed off about it. Mainly because it was their weed. I had a really strange drug talk with my dad. He was like, Forrest,

you're fucking smoking weed in sixth grade, man. He's like, if you're going to be smoking weed in sixth grade, you should be smoking weed with me. And then he offered me acid. There you go, Forrest Kelly. Hi, Forrest Kelly. Hi, Forrest. How's it going? How's it going?

So you smoke pot? Smoke a little bit of pot. Are all your jokes about pot? Yeah, another Forrest. It's incredible. We went from a guy that can't stop running to a guy named Forrest. Who am I going to pull out next? A box of chocolates?

What? All right. I'm in a silly mood today. That caveman coffee's got me cranked up. I'm telling you, dude. Use the promo code KILLTONY. Save 15% on that. Anyway, Forrest, tell us more about yourself.

What else? How long have you been doing stand-up? For about three years. Three years. All here in Los Angeles? Yeah, mainly in Orange County. Oh, okay. You come to the Comedy Store often?

This is actually my first time. First time ever at the Comedy Store and you're already on the main stage. On stage, first time at the store. Wow. How old are you? 29. What do you do for a living?

Uber or Lyft? And besides solving mysteries with Scooby-Doo. You look like if one of Trump's sons gave up. Fuck my dad, dude. I'm fucking done with this bullshit Wow, look at that Very fast on the soundboard tonight Somebody's been drinking vodka Red Bull

It's an infinite CBD Focus, calm, alert You help what? I help drug rehabs get clients Like I do all their online marketing You help drug rehabs get clients. I do all their online marketing. You help drug rehabs get clients? Is that true? Yeah.

Really? That's true? Yeah. And when you're not doing that, you're talking about doing drugs on stage? Pretty much. That's incredible. My mind is completely... Do you get drug tested for that or no?

No. No. They don't drug test at drug rehab places? Well, I mean, I'm a, I mean, I'm usually an independent contractor, so I don't actually work. And you just do online? Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah. I just do like the online market. Most of the people in rehab are on lines too. Yeah. It's a cocaine joke. They do lines of cocaine. For you confused podcast listeners around the world. There you go.

Tell us more about yourself, Forrest. What else? You ever go to rehab yourself? No. You ever been like, I think I need this shit. No, I've never been to rehab. I really like to play disc golf. Wow, really? My goodness, I never in one guess

would have guessed that. It's incredible. Oh wow, I? Yeah. My goodness. I never in one guess would have guessed that. It's incredible. Oh, wow. I like football. Wait, you do? Who's your team? It was a joke. Oh.

Jesus. Sensitive. My goodness. I like sports. Yeah. Oh my goodness. I like sports! All right.

Okay, well, fuck, man. Disc golf? You disc golf a lot around here? Yeah, there's a bunch of courses in Orange County. What else do you do? Is there anything else you do, like hacky sack or watch TV a lot. Sitting down. Go through drive-thrus. Go through a lot of drive-thrus.

Yeah. I like jujitsu. You like jujitsu? Yeah. Really? Let's have a jujitsu off. Oh, wait a second. We've done this before.

That's a crazy thing. Is that you, Chroma? I guess Chroma Chris wants to do it. No, no, no. Joel takes jujitsu. Wow. Chroma Chris. Joel, what's happening here?

It looks like these emos want to roll around with this guy, huh? My name's Jeremy, and I'm wrestling with my sexuality. So, yeah, sure. Put me in a triangle. What type of jujitsu do you know? How long have you been doing jujitsu? What level are you at? I just got my blue belt and I've been doing it for about three years.

Wow. Where are you at, Joel? Not there. Hey, quick question. Have you ever killed a man? No. Wow. Would you like to?

My goodness. Do you want to put Joel in a jujitsu move? The crowd will probably go crazy. You guys want to see that, huh? Here we go. A little bit of jujitsu off. This is a blue belt versus brown face live from the comedy store. They're planning it out. This is very pro

wrestling. Wow. Oh my god. This is incredible. This is perhaps some of the Wow. This is incredible. This show is...

This show gets a little bit sillier every week, doesn't it? So they ended up basically butt-fucking just then. Tony, I've never came harder, dude. All right, well. I've never seen jujitsu. Is that jujitsu? Yeah, it pretty much is. It's goo-jitsu, dude.

Usually there's less clothes. No gi, right? Do you do gi or no gi? Gi or no gi? No gi. I see. So you're a stoner. You do disc golf.

You do jujitsu. Is there anything that we'd be surprised to know about you? Like is there something that you – other than the fact that you work at a drug rehab facility as a freelancer. Is there something that we'd be surprised to know about you? Like something that you do that's – I went to prison. Oh, wow, okay. Different answer, but I'll roll with it. That escalated.

Should have been more comfortable with those moves then, dude. It's true. Joel Berg. Yeah. Wow. Life is my prison. I love it, Forrest. Well, congratulations.

Why'd you go to prison for? Why were you going over that? I'm guessing, my guess is two grams a pot in Orange County, right? That's exactly it. Really? No, no. It was dumb. No. It was my first DUI. I got into an accident. Somebody got hurt. No one died.

Are they in a wheelchair now though? He's fine. Is he really fine? I don't know if I believe this at all. Tell us more. How much did you have to drink? I don't even remember. That's bad. Pretty solid answer. What were you driving? What drink? You know, I don't even remember. Wow. That's bad.

Pretty solid answer. What were you driving? What kind of car? It was an old, like, shitty Civic. Whoa. What were they driving? They were driving, like, a Durango. Oh, wow.

Bicycle. My guess is the Civic shouldn't have done that much damage. You know, I don't remember. Wow. Were you at fault? You don't even remember? Yeah, totally. I was totally at fault. I like sideswiped someone in Huntington Beach. I ran through this red light, apparently. Like I said, I don't remember it.

Apparently? What do you mean? Were you drunk when you went to court and read the reports afterwards, too? I gotta get drunk for this shit. I didn't hear a prison afterwards. I didn't pay attention to the court report of actually what happened. Wow. They didn't?

My God. This is frightening. What court is that? Do you still drink and drive sometimes? No, no. Learned my lesson. Was it a food court? My God.

It's unbelievable. All right. Well, I mean, for... Wait, how much time did you serve? That was a year. Oh, fuck. In actual prison. In actual prison.

Yeah. A year. You. Corcoran. Corcoran. Yeah, I don't know the different prisons, bro. I'm not that up to it. Charles Manson's there.

It's like in the middle of California. He was there? He thinks he's still there. This guy doesn't know shit. This guy's so stoned he doesn't even know he killed somebody in a DUI accident. He's still riding, Manson. Yeah, the other guy's

fine. He's highly functional. Alright, there you go. Alright's highly functional. All right. There you go. All right, Forrest. Well, congratulations on being on this show. Congratulations on not being in prison anymore. Hopefully some of these memories come back to you. Hopefully you remember this. Welcome back, dude.

Hopefully you remember this tomorrow. All right. You guys having fun out there? Who likes it? Let me ask you guys this. Who likes it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow, there you go.

It's definitely suede on this one. It's a dark crowd tonight. Wait, can I just plug this really quick? Forrest's Twitter handle is at 4Loco. Oh, yeah, that's right. Wow, it is. Is that really your Twitter handle? You got 4Loco?

You really are an online marketing genius. And you went to prison for TTY, and you helped drug kids out. That's insane. To be honest with you, dude, I didn't even remember my Twitter handle was 4Loco until you just fucking told me. Dude, that was your nickname in prison, 4Loco?

You're like, Forrest 4Loco? Four-finger Loco. All right. Back to the bucket we go. Who knows what will happen next? Oh, this is good. This is a one-word name. We like one-word names on the show.

Put your hands together for Islam. Islam. Wow, here he comes. Oh, there he goes. The guy using the restroom. Here comes Islam. Here's from the back. One more time for Islam, everybody.

Hi, how are you tonight? Good, good, good, good. My name is Islam. I'm from France. I'm here in January, okay? I'm single, but it's okay. It's okay. I'm fine to be single, okay?

It's okay. Because it's cheaper, okay? I'm not a shipskate I'm just poor already it's not a choice, it's just survival instincts, you know I'm always afraid when it comes to pay because I'm freaking about the declining payment

you know what I mean? Declining payment, okay I'm afraid of it because I never check my bank account, okay, I don't know how it because I never check my bank account. I don't know how much money I have in my bank account. I just throw my card and God decides. And you know what? God doesn't love me.

I'm always afraid of it and I know you are afraid of it because we are all the same. We are all poor. You know when you put your card in the reader's and that's it's that authorizing moment. Author all poor. You know when you put your card in the readers, it's that authorizing moment. Authorizing moment, you're freaking out. And that, when finally the payment is declined,

we all have the same reaction, we all become great actors and perform. What? How is that possible? I didn't realize how funny you were until the set was over. I was waiting for something, and then I realized the funny in you is that it's not funny at all. It's beautifully unfunny, but you have so much charisma,

like you're all put together. Everything. Like I love everything. You're like the, that could be like your thing is like the no punchline guy. Like I like it. I was hypnotized the entire time. It was amazing.

Joel Berg. Oh, he's the funniest deaf person we've ever had on the show. You know what? Why don't we, why don't we turn this thing up a notch? Why don't we add a second guest? Make some noise for

Jim Gaffigan, everybody. Here we go. Wow. Hello. Jim Gaffigan, everyone. Oh my gosh, thanks. You guys really like me. I just wanted to be here

so that I could look fatter than Nick. And you lost. Welcome to the show, Jim. Did you happen to catch any of Islam's set? I did not. I'm sorry. That's one of the greatest accomplishments of your life, Jim. Running a few minutes

of all the great things you've done. Running a couple minutes late for Islam. He's from France. Oh, bonjour. Really? You're French? Yeah, I'm French. Oh, wow. How long have you been visiting America for? I don't know. He's from Pasadena. I don't know. Islam.

You asked me. My mother was born in Algeria. Oh, okay. Well, now he's speaking French. So how long have you been visiting America for? I'm here since January. Oh, okay. So you had nothing to do with the cathedral thing, right? Very good.

I'm glad that you were there. What is Islam? Islam is like the religion. Islam. Don't be afraid. No, I think that's a different country, Brian. It's equally offensive. This is racist.

Wow. How long have you been doing stand-up? In French since one year. In French, one year. So you learned English and you came here in January? So basically you started doing American English stand-up in January.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Right. Excuse my French. Can you give us an example of what a one-liner in French would sound like? Can you just do it? Just pretend like we all know French. A sentence in French. Can you give us an example of what a one-liner in French would sound like? Can you just do it? Just pretend like we all know French. A sentence in French? Huh?

What? Yes. Do like a one-line joke in French. A joke in French? Do a short joke. Okay. Qu'est-ce qui est jaune et qui attend? Jonathan!

Oh, wow. Oui. Wow. Oui. Ah, this is my best joke in French. I'm very funny in France, but if I'm not funny in America, just take a fucking plane and go back in France. Darwin, you look like you have something on your mind over there.

Yeah, I just want to say I really like this guy and I can relate to him because no one understands me either! Wow. What are some of your favorite things that you've seen or that have happened to you since coming to America, Islam? Maybe the people. Yeah, the people. Like what? What's different about us? They're warmer. War what? What's different about us? They are warmer.

Warmer. Nicer. Are they really? Yeah, because I'm from Paris. In Paris, people are mean. What do they say to you in Paris? What? What do they say to you that's mean in Paris?

I don't understand. I'm sorry. What's a mean thing they say in Paris? Mean thing? Like something that's not nice. What's nasty or bad? Something not nice. Something bad. nasty or bad. Something not nice. Something bad. Sorry, sorry.

Something not as warm. Merde. Merde. You know, like... They say something merde to you. Something merde for me in Paris.

Temperature? What is that? Wither. Wither. They call you that. They say that you wither. That's fucking harsh, man. I'm not going to France now, dude.

Fuck. Just out of curiosity, that one-liner you did in French, how does that translate to English? What was that joke? What was that? Okay, it's a famous joke in French because it's not funny. A little bit slower, a little bit slower.

Okay, it's a famous joke in French because, you know, the yellow jacket. Uh-huh. What thing yellow is wearing is Jonathan. But it's a pun. You can understand you're not French. Holy shit. So wait a minute. The yellow jacket, does it have to...

So the people that protest in the yellow jackets, that's what it's about. But we're human. We can understand. What is the idea of the... The yellow jacket. The yellow jacket. Are they making fun of the yellow jackets?

Yeah. Are they saying that they look like they've been peed on? What are they saying? Are they anti-mustard? Are they a bunch of vaccy bananas? A banana, how do you say? A banana. Banana.

Banana. Banana? You know the banana? Yeah, I know banana. You. Banana? Banana. You know the banana? Yeah, I know banana. You do know? Yeah, yes, I do. Banana.

Banana. French banana. French banana. How do you eat a banana? What would be the first thing that you would do? With a fork? What? How do you eat banana?

He's not from Mars. What the fuck? I'm still going to wait for an answer here. I don't know if we're on the same page. Did you just ask this guy if he eats bananas with forks? Is that how you eat bananas with forks? That's how you'll get them. I'm convinced he still doesn't know what I'm talking about.

How do you eat a banana? I'm going to wait for an answer here. Oh do you eat a banana? I'm going to wait for an answer here. Yeah. How? He's not fucking saying it. You guys think he knows?

There's no fucking way. Oh, I eat a banana. He just got it right now. What is it? How would you eat a banana? What? How do you eat a banana? Like a what? Yeah, how do you eat a...

Show us. Act like that microphone's a banana. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll tell you how I eat a banana until you tell me how you eat a banana. Okay, I'm a guest in your country, so show me first. No, come on, please. I'm begging you here. You can do no wrong. Look at these.

You guys want him to show you how he eats a banana. You cannot fail right now. Show us how you would eat a banana. Come on. Come on. Islam, you will be a legend right now if you do anything. What is legend? Islam, how do you eat a banana? Okay.

It's not easy. No. No. How would you do it? So, I take the banana. Banana? Okay. It will be fine. What's the English for this? Oh, I didn't know how to eat a fucking banana. Very good. It will be fine. What's the English for this?

I didn't know how to eat a fucking banana. Very good. There you go. You did it, Islam. But he didn't know the word for peel. He didn't know the word for peel at all. Okay, I peel the banana. There we go. Very good. Then what?

I love women. Whoa, whoa. Then what? That was more... I love woman. I prefer woman. All right. Darwin over there. Emotional. Can I tell you how I eat a banana? Yeah. I slowly squeeze the life out of it.

How? Until all the potassium is running down its skin, and I look inside its soul, and I say, I wish I was you! Islam, you are one of the finest Frenchmen we've ever pulled out of the bucket on this show. Thank you so much for signing up. Très bien, très bien. 60 seconds from Islam.

Très bien. Jim, we're so excited that you're joining us. I'm so excited, too. Thank you. Thank you for letting me come on. Anything fun? Do you have anything crazy coming up or coming out? Well, I eat a banana. I actually sit on it.

Is that weird? Jim, you tour a lot. Have you ever performed in France or no? I have in Paris. You notice anything different over there? Different language. Yeah. Very different.

No, there's a lot of... That's what's great about international shows is things are different. And it makes you appreciate America. That guy was confident. He had that European confidence. He was fun, man. He fucking Texas Hold'em style bluffed me

on that banana thing all the way to the finish line. He just didn't know the word peel. But when he went like that, my heart broke. I'm going to be honest with you. I was really hoping he was going to fucking... I eat a banana like you American eat banana. I was dying for him to pull out the imaginary fork and knife.

So brave to... I didn't see a set. I was busy making love to someone. To a banana. But so brave to do stand-up in a language he obviously doesn't know. Yeah. Yeah, we didn't know his set, but I was laughing. It really is.

Well, let's meet somebody else, shall we? We're going to get through it. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted, and you have the band. They're emo tonight. This is Darwin and... Jeremy Tony. All Darwin and Jeremy Tony. Alright, Jeremy Tony and Travi Tony. Sure for Travis, dude.

Jeremiah, you alright? They're very angry. Are you quivering? It's not Jeremiah, that's Darwin tonight. No, I know. Jeremiah's in the back. It's a different Jeremiah. It's a different Jeremiah. It's my first time on the show. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Stephen Belkowski. Stephen Belkowski. Oh, here he comes. Wow, here he comes. Stephen Belkowski. Stephen Belkowski. One more time for Stephen, everybody.

What's up, guys? So I'm going to say something a little unpopular. I don't hate cops. I don't. I do hate doing drugs around cops, though. And I don't mean, like, out in the real world where they're, like, you know, supposed to be. Like, I hate when I'm at a party where it's known that there are going to be drugs

and somebody rolls through with their state trooper cousin and they're like, oh, don't worry, he's cool. Uh, the fuck? No, he isn't. Like, by definition nowadays, all cool means anymore is he is not a cop. Just because the dog is not currently biting you, does not

mean the dog does not bite. You know? I love smoking weed the most of all the drugs, you know? I hate when people are like, smoking weed isn't gonna solve all your problems. Bullshit. This time last year, I was debating whether or not I wanted to major in business econ or business

administration. So I smoked some pot about it, and I dropped out of school. Wow. Look at that. Tight set. Heck yeah. That was good, dude. That's a good 60-second stoner set. You nailed the timing.

You fucking wrapped up like a blunt there right on the point. Can I ask a quick question? Yeah. Have you ever done drugs? No, actually, I haven't. This is a character that I do. Okay. What part of Colorado are you from?

Originally, the northern part near the Dakotas. My goodness. You're like if Robert Plant was an actual weed plant. Who's Robert Plant? Heck yeah. Now let me get this right. You're not the guy that killed a guy in a Dodge Durango

with your Honda Civic, right? That was someone else. When I was sitting down there and he came up and he was like, I love smoking pot, and then his whole thing was about pot, I was like, fuck me. I'm so glad that I wasn't the next person.

It was like that nice French dude. No, you did good, man. Yeah, that was great. The other guy forgot punchlines. I got a DUI too, so I was like, fuck me. Wow. Damn. But my parents paid for the lawyer you know

that dude obviously got the fucking state whatever right hell yeah your parents paid for the lawyer you from uh Connecticut uh am I no Virginia Virginia that's close you see that I know what kind of parents pay for DUI lawyers you know what what I'm talking about? It's a certain pocket. Other places, the parents are like, no, you're going to fucking make this happen yourself. Can I... I guess all I can think is I wish you were my son. You know, if you met my dad,

it would probably be pretty scary. Is he good-looking like me? I don't know. I feel like your first words as a baby were whatever. Like you came out of the womb and were just like, yeah, whatever. So Stephen,

how long have you been doing stand-up? Five years in March. Darwin, you got something you want to say over there? Yeah, I just want to make a request. Jim, could you tell me what you just told him? Don't do it, Jim. Don't do it. I can't.

I'm not running. What? Darwin, I wish you were my brother. Oh, you're not famous. So, Steven, you've been doing stand-up for five years. You from Los Angeles? Or what are we talking? No, I was born in North Dakota, but I grew up in Virginia.

Virginia all the way. And you've been, how long have you been in L.A. for? Since July. Since July. Yeah. How do you make a living? What dispensary do you work at? Dude, yo, all right.

First of all, I've had the hardest time getting a job at a dispensary since I moved out here. You'd think I would just walk in and they would be like, yo, do you want a job? But, like, you need to know someone or be a chick everywhere. So what you're saying... I don't know if you'd be a chick everywhere.

Most of the places. Anyways. You ever think about pulling the old Juana man I don't know if you'd be a chick everywhere. You ever think about pulling the old Juana man? That's what I'm saying. I feel like with me, you get the best of both worlds. You see me from the back and you're like, all right. And then I turn around and you're like, no. If I saw you from the front, you're still on board. That'd be a great pot comedy.

The guy that becomes a woman to work at a dispensary. I was almost there. I actually got a call earlier today for an interview tomorrow. You have an interview tomorrow? Yeah. For what? For a fucking, I don't know, some weed shop. Really?

So you really have an interview tomorrow at a dispensary? How do you prepare for a weed job? I guess my guess is the first step, not putting it in your appointment calendar. First step is you gotta sleep through the interview, dude. Second step is apologize your ass off. I'm really serious about weed.

Third step is come in with a box of cookies. I immediately set my alarm for tomorrow at noon and I was like, I'm not fucking sleeping through this one. What time is the alarm? He set his alarm for noon. The interview is probably at 10 a.m. The interview is at midnight.

It's the wrong 12. It's like 12.30. I want to be fresh. Oh, dude, what's my alarm going off at midnight for? I got to shut this shit off. Fuck you, midnight. Whatever. What do you wear to an interview like that?

Dude, my nice is tie-dye. interview like that? My nicest tie-dye. I have a button-up tie-dye. I have a polo tie-dye for kind of casual outdoor. For like weddings. Your nicest... The button-up for weddings, obviously. Your nicest tie is probably a railroad tie. That's a tie.

The fuck? Is it tied? Okay, how about this? You sound like... How about this? How about this? How about this one? road tie. That's a tide. Is it tied? Okay, how about this? You sound like, how about this? How about this? How about this one? Let me get another chance. Hold on.

How about this? You sound like Nick Swartz and you look like Ted Nugent. How about that? Oh, jeez. Joel Berg is broken, ladies and gentlemen. I'm kidding. Oh my goodness. Alright. Great job though, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, how about that? No, I'm kidding. Oh, my goodness. All right. Great job, though, dude. Thanks. Steven, you are really something else.

I mean, you are a fucking real stoner. Yeah, man. Yeah. I mean, you know, I try. It's tough sometimes. Try die. You get down to the end of the jar, and then, you know, you just got to kind of hit up bums who want to talk to somebody, but have some clean-smelling weed.

All right, that was enough. There he goes, Stephen Belkowski, everybody. A new minute of stand-up comedy. Holy shit. He was funny, man. He was funny. Yeah, he's a funny guy. He's got that stoner confidence.

Tony, you're making dreams happen here. It's wild, right? You got to come hang out with us more often. There are dreams. I never come to LA. I'm not allowed. Yeah. Not good looking enough.

He looked like every member of Pearl Jam. Like he could just say it was anybody in Pearl Jam. Him or me? I don't know what Pearl Jam looks like. I'm from a different class or age group. That's his way of saying Nick, you're old. I'm an elder. Yeah.

When I met Nick, he was 16. Are you serious? I think so. I think I was like 16, 17, yeah. 16, 17. He was working on Hollywood Boulevard. Still do. Sounds like an excerpt

from the Michael Jackson HBO documentary. Oh, that was Pearl Jam. Really? Is that really true? Were you doing stand-up at 16? I started when I was

like 17, yeah. One question I used to always ask first-time guests, and we have two of them here, i'll do it again is i'll ask you guys you know we're seeing a lot of brand new comedians people that have been doing it a few months is there something that you remember doing when you very first started stand-up comedy that you can't believe that you did or like some crazy risk that you took or some weird joke that you had or some prop or something silly or goofy that you can't believe that you took that chance

early on in your career? No. No, I was terrified I think for like the first eight years I did it. So, I mean, granted that was 60 years ago, but I was terrified. I used to memorize and kind of

recite my material because I was so terrified on stage. Would you recite it like in a mirror or like just anywhere? Not necessarily a mirror memorize and kind of recite my material because I was so terrified on stage. Would you recite it like in a mirror or like just anywhere? Not necessarily a mirror, but kind of just so concerned about blanking on stage. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I don't know.

How about you, Nick? You remember doing anything weird when you first started out? You ever like take a weird chance, like wear a luchador mask or anything like that? Yeah. No? I would do, yeah, just medieval weapons demonstrations on stage. No, yeah. I used to, and this is literal.

I don't know if this happened to you. I would vomit right before I went on stage. Really? I was so scared. And I started in the Mall of America, which is vomiting enough as it is. Not comedy. He started the mall. Yeah, I built it and then started stand-up in it. But yeah, so I would vomit.

I would stand over the trash can and they'd be calling my name to MC and I would be vomiting. Wow. And I did that for like the first year. It was fucking horrible. Oh my god. The House of Comedy, right? No, it was called Knuckleheads. And it was just Midwest people with bags from shopping all day

just tired. And they would just stare at you like, alright. Little did they know that you were vomiting your guts out before performing in front of them. They had no idea that I would be, later on in life, I would be vomiting after the show. Well, who knows? Alcohol poisoning. Whoever we pull out next may be

so excited that they vomit. Let's see some vomitors. You guys ready to get back to the show. Well, who knows? Alcohol poisoning. Whoever we pull out next may be so excited that they vomit. Let's see some vomiters. You guys ready to get back to the show? Huh? 60 seconds. Uninterrupted. Going to your next comedian who goes by the name of Dexter St. Jock, ladies and gentlemen. Dexter

St. Jock. Here we go. Here he comes. Here he is. Come on, one more time for Dexter St. Jacques. So I haven't had sex in over five years. But back in October of 2018, I did accidentally get high on meth from making out with a hot Asian.

This is a true story. I kissed her, my lips started to burn, I experienced a sudden loss of appetite. I asked her what was going on, ends up she had been eating meth. I didn't even know that was an option. You can't just make out with hot Asian girls anymore. You have to check them for meth first.

Yeah, the struggle is real. It's hard being single. There's Instagram. No, wait, not Instagram. Tinder, that's the one. There's Tinder. But being on Tinder is kind of like going to an animal shelter where you know they're going to put all the animals down the next day.

Wow. Dexter St. Jock. Wow. For those of you just listening to the podcast, let me tell you something. Dexter St. Jock looks like 10 million fucking bucks right now. Holy shit. That's Steve Martin from the 70s. Sick, dude.

If Gandalf were on Miami Vice. Holy fuck. Wow. And he has his eyes tattooed black. Yes, his eyeballs are completely tattooed Completely black How long ago did you do that, Dexter? How long have you...

Two years And that's permanent tattoo, is that correct? No, that's not a tattoo That's fucking a tattoo Yeah, yeah They use a hypodermic needle And they inject ink into the whites of your eyes And it spreads out.

So it's not like a tattoo where they're running a machine over it. Right. Oh, they did it the easier way. Can... Oh my god. Can I just say that you look like the least approachable BG of the group?

I like how you're freaked out by the Asian girl Oh my god, who's that? Did your girlfriend go, I said I like black guys Not black eyes There he is Wow Good lord Yeah I mean you do have black eyes As they are in your skull

So it can't hurt your vision at all Like there was any risk To getting that done It is risky if you don't go to a good artist Right I go to artists for my surgery So someone who injects ink To cover up all the white of your eye

is an artist? Or a surgeon. Or they're a surgeon. Body modification artist. Is that the same guy that trims down the horns when they grow out of the top of your head? Is this doctor's office in a haunted house?

Wait a fucking minute. You at what point do you sit there and go, you know what? What if I just made my eyes completely black? Like, like, I mean, you make it sound like, you know, some people get piercing, some people get their eyes completely black. How often have you, I've never met anyone who would and by the way i i'm frightened of you but like but like so do you have friends they're like oh another fellow person that died their eyes black right no no there are there can only be one, Jim. Like, do you just walk into churches and freak people out?

No, if anyone asks, I just tell them it's an allergic reaction to shellfish and run. Wow, that's incredible. Oh, my God. Dexter. He looks like zombie Dave Grohl on prom night. Dexter, where are you from? Galveston. Galveston, Texas.

And your eyeball is clearly from Compton. So you are in Galveston, Texas, and you're the guy with the tattooed eyeballs there. Yeah, and I'm a glassblower, and one of the items that I make a lot of are eyeballs. Wow. People look in your eyes, they're like, I want to go bowling, I don't know why. There are people that, like, are there women that are like, oh my gosh, I love his eyes.

Oh, yeah. That happens? Yeah. Okay. Oh my goodness. No. They usually have cauldrons with them, and broomsticks and bats and they're like yeah

can you put like contacts like say contacts that look like real eyes on those eyes to make it look like you have real eyes because then you can look like a robot or something really good question have you ever had a conversation with someone that wasn't about your eyes

my goodness Have you ever had a conversation with someone that wasn't about your eyes? My goodness. Wow. Welcome to Yogurtland. How can I serve you? Oh, my God. What are those eyes? So you flew here on an airplane or using the wings that you have tucked underneath your jacket.

I flew to Vegas and then I took a bus from Vegas. Well, there you go. You really crossed your T's and dotted your I's on that one. Oh, that's the one, you fucking weirdos. What the fuck? The old dot the I's. Oh, I've heard that before on a guy with black eyes. Tony's being a real hack. All right, Dexter, tell us something more about you.

Tell us what a guy with black eyes. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. Wow, incredible. Dexter St. Jacques debuting. Heck yeah. How did it feel? Did you feel good about it?

No, I was very nervous. Well, yeah. How could you be nervous about doing stand-up after you changed your eyes to complete black? What would freak you out after that? Like talking... I don't know. Do you have regrets about it?

I mean, do you ever think like... No, not at all. And I made sure that I could put on contacts to look like a normal person. Do you have an iPhone? Does it work with the eye scanning thing? It's a black iPhone. It does work with the iPhone?

Like the eye scanner to unlock it? No idea. When you say you have contacts to put in to make you look normal, does that mean that they go around the... No, I don't have them, but they would be large, scaler contacts. Large, tailored... Scalar. Scalered.

Yeah. That's a word. That's the part of the eye it would be covering up, I think. Wow. That was the question that Redbin actually asked earlier, and you got upset at him for. Can we just start a podcast where we talk to him? Yeah, his podcast is called White Suit, Black Eyes.

This is it. This is going to be the rest of the show. Dexter, is there anything that we'd be surprised to know about you in which you have it all together? Is there something in which... Please be a minister. Please be a minister. Please be a minister. Perhaps you're a... Have you accepted Satan into your heart?

That question I asked you a minute ago. What was the question? Is there something that we'd be surprised to know about you that's not dark and evil? I mean like... Just walk into a church you that's not, you know, that's not dark and evil. Like, I mean, like, yeah. Just walk into a church and go up to the holy water and just go like that. Oh, fuck!

And just scream. And just start screaming. Sorry. Yeah! This is amazing Black eyes on this show We just love it What other modification do you think about Or are you going to do next

Is there anything else Are you thinking about tattooing your butthole white Perhaps translucent A split tongue would be neat A split tongue Is that what's next Are you really thinking about doing it A split tongue would be neat. What? A split tongue. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Is that what's next? Are you really thinking about doing it?

No. No. Prince Albert? Prince Albert? Would you ever get a Prince Albert? No. No, weirdo. That was painful enough.

Right. How much would I have to pay you to become a eunuch? Wow, look how big his eyes got when you said that. He got very excited He's got the money for it, so answer accordingly Alright, well Dexter I feel like we could talk with you absolutely forever I mean, amazing

You have so much charisma and darkness I'd want to hear more of what you'd have to say in the future Well, I'll be back in October for Halloween. Is that true that you made out with a hot Asian chick and you got high on meth? It was like microdosing meth.

Like I said, my lips started burning, sudden loss of appetite. I was like, what's going on? Dude, think about what her lips felt like, dude. Asian girl doing meth. That's rare. So the Asian part had nothing to do with this story.

It's a mess. Alright, man. Were you baptized? Were you baptized? No. Alright. Father? All right. All right. Okay. Father?

Dexter, you're such an interesting character. Thank you so much for signing up and coming on the show. Yeah, man. Much fun. How about one more time for Dexter St. Jacques, everybody? Woo! He's on Twitter at Dead Air Network. That's incredible.

Oh, he's still here. Holy shit, everybody. Wait a minute. Do not. He's going to make the whole stage start on fire. I know he is. There he is. Fight him back.

This is incredible. Okay. I just want everyone to tune into the Real Ass Podcast May 27. There you go. Dexter St. Jacques with a plug. There he is. He just turned into a bat. I don't know what he said, but I'm definitely listening

to that podcast that he just plugged. I love the fact that he lives in Texas. If you know Texas, they're probably like, oh, there's that demon again. Mama, I saw someone with black eyes, really. Honey, you were just imagining it. The people that don't get on board with Texas go the extreme opposite way. If they don't fit in, they're just like, fuck it, put a needle in my fucking eye.

I'm going hard. Hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. He literally did that put your hands together for Marko Vucetich here we go sounds like some type of power forward perhaps

here he is Marko Vucetich come on one more time for Marko everyone thank you thank you Come on, one more time for Marco, everyone. Thank you, thank you. My name is Marco Vucicic, and speaking of ethnic names,

any immigrants in the house tonight? Wow, just a few. Do the white people that didn't clap think they're Native American, or... It's a pretty good turnout for a Keech tribe meetup. That's pretty nice. I am an immigrant. I was born in Bosnia. I came to the States when I was seven years old.

Now, what a lot of people don't know about young immigrant kids is they speak better English than their immigrant parents. So they have a lot of additional job responsibilities. So, for example, while I was learning how to write my name, I was also learning how to fill out my parents' criminal history on their job applications. You know how awkward it is for a seven-year-old to ask his dad if he ever committed a crime?

My dad was like, do war crimes count? I was like, no. I don't think so. I had a hard time connecting with my peers, too. They would come up to me on recess and be like, hey, did you see what Uncle Jesse did to Topanga last night? No, I was doing my dad's taxes last night. Sorry.

Would that joke be... Wait, to Topanga last night? No, I was doing my dad's taxes last night. Sorry. Would that joke be... Wait, was Topanga on Full House? 22 years I've spent in this country. I don't know. I still don't figure it out. All right. It wasn't. Thank you.

Good to know. All right. My name is Marco. Thank you so much. There you go. How many roll-ups do you have on your pants there? How many is that? Also two.

Also two. Also two. Very good. Are you really wondering if Topanga was on Full House? This is the most un-American question I've ever heard asked. I literally had to Google 90 sitcom stars, and I picked the two top search results to make that joke. Topanga and Full House.

So you just went to Google to make that joke and then you found out how well that works. Yeah. White people got visibly angry in here. It's true. How dare you! It's boy meets world! Marco, how long have you been in America?

22 years. 22 years from Bosnia. A lot of war over there, right? A little bit, yeah. How long have you been in America? 22 years. 22 years from Bosnia. From Bosnia. A lot of war over there, right? A little bit, yeah. A little bit, yeah. How did you get lucky enough to get to come here to the greatest country on the planet? How'd you get to pull that off? My mom cried in front of the immigration embassy and it felt bad for her.

So they gave her paperwork to get me to is it just you you come with brothers and sisters i'm an only child so it was just me and my mom at first and then my dad came later because he was serbian my mom was catholic so those who didn't get along quite so your your mom's croat look at that i didn't realize we were dealing with all she had to do is cry in front of the immigration people. I got a bunch of relatives I gotta call and let them know. As long as they're white women.

How would a guy with jet black eyes be received in Croatia? What was that? The guy with black eyes, how would he be received in Croatia if you walked around like that? What do you think would happen to him? He's our god, actually. We worship him. Oh my god. It is a tough...

How do you follow Satan? Oh, he's coming back. With a crucifix. It's hard to follow that. I literally mouthed that for the first time in our history of this show. I mouthed those words to Jeremiah when this guy came up.

I literally thought, it's going to be hard to follow that. And I mouthed back, it's hard to follow a guy with black eyes. And then Tony nodded and we're like, yeah. Exactly. And here you are following a guy with black eyes. Do you have anything miscolored about you? Perhaps orange testicles or anything like that. Perhaps a purple

belly button? Nothing like that, no. So, your dad made it over, and where'd you guys go? Where was the first spot in America that you guys went to? They put us in Colorado. They actually, we got on the wrong plane in JFK, so we

ended up in Denver. Wait, wait. How do you get on a wrong plane in JFK. So we ended up in Denver. Wait, wait. How do you get on a wrong plane? That seems impossible. They check your tickets. This is the mid-90s. I don't know. It was different.

But we ended up in Denver. We were supposed to go to Colorado Springs. And me and my mom, we spoke zero English. We were literally just sitting in the terminal for hours until somebody came through with a sign that was saying welcome in both Serbian and Croatian. Oh my God. And then my mom was like, holy shit. And then she drove us to Colorado Springs.

How old were you during that? I was seven. Seven years old. Seven. So you ended up staying in Denver. You just sort of just parked it there. No, we came down to Colorado Springs. You're like better than Bosnia.

It's fucking good. Only slightly. That's incredible. So how long have you been doing stand-up? Four months. Four months. And how old are you? 30.

30 years old. What have you been doing in life up until this point? Any fun hobbies before starting stand-up? You seem like the kind of guy that would read books backwards or something like that. Mostly just underachieving in life, you know? What else? Well, I worked at Microsoft before this. at Microsoft before this What did you do there? I was a data analyst

I saw the signs that they were going to fire me So I quit instead Were the signs in Croatian and Serbian? How long ago is this? Like Windows ME days? December. December you quit Microsoft. But why quit?

If they fired you, then you'd get a package, right? Yeah, you'd get a severance package. I got a mini severance package, but I kind of wanted to go out of my own way. That's what she said. You know what I'm talking about? You got a mini severance package. What does that mean?

I negotiated some stuff, and it wasn't... You know what I'm talking about? You got a mini severance package. What does that mean? I negotiated some stuff, and it wasn't... It makes it better for me to tell a story. Like, I quit instead of I was fired. I just did it to the world, so blew that. Yeah, that was a powerful story. Oh, that was incredible. So that was in Seattle, right? And you decided, I'm going to go to Los Angeles.

I'm going to start stand-up comedy. I'm going to live my dreams. No, this is my third day in LA. I'm visiting. I'm flying through. Oh, you're just visiting LA. Third day? How much longer are you here for?

Tonight. I'm leaving tonight. You're leaving tonight. What time is your flight? Are you sure you're going to get on the right flight? Yeah, you can't just walk on. What time is your flight? 6 a.m. 6 a.m. You call that tonight because you're going to get on the right flight? Yeah, you can't just walk on. What time's your flight? 6 a.m.

6 a.m. You call that tonight because you're Bosnian. Your clock is on the other side of the world. It's tomorrow morning here in America. That would be so great. How are you getting there? He goes, I'm flying on the guy with the black eye. Air Satan?

Air Spiritless Welcome to Jet Black Eyes Jet Black Yeah that was me So Marco Man so you're going back to Seattle Isn't it sort of depressing now Living in Seattle

Post Microsoft Like isn't it like something that will just living in Seattle post-Microsoft? Like, isn't it like something that'll just haunt you, like the biggest computer company just everywhere around you, everywhere, all the time? Now it is, yeah, for sure. I didn't think of it that way, but yeah. Oh, wow.

Thank you. Now it will be. Also, I got to give you props for pronouncing my last name correctly. Vucetich? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a really smart guy. Been in the Writers Guild for like a decade now. It's all good.

You know what I mean? I just know words, enunciations. I did a little bit of the math. I'm a fan of the NBA. So I even said on your way up, I said this guy has a name like a power forward. Am I correct? There's famous Bosnian. Nikola Jokic.

What is it? There you go. There's Brian with a big dent in the show with his wacky sense of humor. There you go. Get rid of it. Get rid of the board. Famous basketball player? Yeah, on the magic. Vucevic. Say his name again? Vucevic.

I was pretty much spot on because you're Vucevic. Anyway, enough about my big fucking brain. Is there anything else that we'd be I was pretty much spot on because you're Bucetich. There you go. All right. Well, anyway. Enough about my big fucking brain. Is there anything else that we'd be surprised to know about you, Marco? You do anything for fun? Like Seattle, you seem like the kind of guy, you know? What do we do?

What do we do? Play Magic the Gathering. Oh, yes. Are you good at it? You'll love that. I'm okay. I do well in tournaments. Is there any truth to the rumors that you get all the pussy?

After this, for sure, yeah. I'm gonna send him this clip. Do you have a pet bat? No. Are you still talking to the last comedian? I was gonna say Magic the Gathering is what Dexter St. Jock calls lunch.

I'm sorry, Black Magic the Gathering. Yeah! Alright, alright. Okay, Marco, well, what's going on over there, Darwin? You okay? Oh, yeah.

Wait a minute, did that last guy put a spell on him? I think so. Now you're his, yeah. Wait a minute. Did that last guy put a spell on him? I think so. Now you're his, dude. Okay. Well, Marco, we don't want you to miss your flight. It's coming up any second now. It's happening tonight. Marco Bucetich, everyone.

Marco Bucetich, everyone. Marco Vucetich. That is tough to follow, Ice Guy. I'm alone with you. How about a hand for the band tonight? They're fucking jamming. New songs. New songs every week from the band.

Why don't we do something fun? We have a regular on this show. It's a little bit different. We're going to go back to the bucket right after this. We have a regular. He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. Really, really wacky style. He's the first ever straight white male regular. We normally try to offset the balance of the bucket

by having women, and we had Malcolm Hatchett for a while, and now we have this wacky little goofball that we love so much. Enjoy the comedic styling. 60 seconds uninterrupted from William Montgomery, everybody. Here he is in the flesh. I think I can speak for all of us up here right now.

Jell-O shots. I prefer Jell-O. Y'all might recognize me. I was in the penultimate recollection of the movie Jaws. I'm talking about Jaws the Revenge. I was the sailor in that. I had a couple of big quotes in that. Let me give you all one of my quotes. Hold on, Steven! Get off the back of the truck!

Where's Steven? Where's the short? So I recently got fired from the circus. I was pretty good at guessing people's ages, but in regards to their weights, I couldn't do it. Let me give you a, Jim Javelin, I think you will enjoy the statement. Just picture me working for the circus, just trying to guess some lady's weight, and I just pull this number. Hold on, bitch! You don't weigh 200!

200! Oh, wow. I worked for the circus for five years. It was down in a place called Biloxi, Mississippi. It's on the borders of Mississippi and an ocean called... William, William, what's going on over here? You all right? You still going, buddy?

Wow. This was a very unorthodox set. I loved it. My favorite part was that you kept delivering your punchlines to these two guys right here. Well, there was a look that felt intimidating and also flirtatious, which was interesting. Hey, Jim, I didn't want to tell anyone this tonight,

but in one of my fantasy worlds, I have a bunch of dreams at night, and there was a dream I had where you and I were at... It's a place called Biloxi, Mississippi. It's by the Gulf of Mexico. Just picture you and I out on boogie boards wondering where Tony Chin is. That's the guy who went to school with Tony Chin's missing. Jim and I.

William, William, William. What's going on? Stop. Can you stop staring at me? You know it's freaky when you scare the guests after they look directly into a man's cold black eyes. Do you know what happened last week? Oh, you just talk whenever you want, William. Yes, go ahead. Anything goes here.

Last week, y'all don't repeat me on this uh i was down in biloxi mississippi i called my mother francis at probably three in the morning i was high on a drug called ephedrine i called up francis i let her know i was down in an underwater cave system in middle Tennessee, probably a mile and a half in. My buddy Tony Chin's missing. Oh, my goodness. William, William, over here. What is going on? What happened to you in Biloxi with Tony Chin this week?

How many times do you have your pant legs rolled up? What's going on, Tony? Wait a second. Everyone is doing that. Now, do you buy them longer? Tony? Yes. Weirdly enough, I was with an old friend, Tony Chen, in Biloxi, Mississippi.

Oh, my God. This is incredible. And he was a big fan of purple Krylon. Can you look at someone else? Purple Krylon. Can you look at someone else? How is William making Jim more uncomfortable than Dexter St. Jock right now? William, have you ever really been to Biloxi, Mississippi before? I have really been to the circus in Biloxi, Mississippi. Weirdly enough,

I literally... Who's talking shit over there? Uh-oh. Get her! The fuck is happening? Wouldn't it be ironic if it was Tony Chin? William, is there anything you'd like to say to the...

Hold on, where's Tony Chin? Can you do the Jaws music? Oh, you want some accompaniment? You're asking for it now. Tony Chin was good at math. He was bad at meeting people in the lunchroom. William. He is so desperate for Nick and Jim's approval, people.

I cannot describe to you the look that he reveals. I'll be quite frank with you all. I was not going to bring this up. I was actually an actor in the movie Ghost, early 90s, sort of Satanist movie Ghost. What role were you in that movie? I don't remember you. I've seen that movie a few times.

You tell us what the fuck role you were. There is a scene with Whoopi Goldberg when she is talking to the ghost. I am actually in her... Is the ghost's name Tony Chin? Is this where we're going? No, go ahead, William.

I am in her apartment. There is a point in time I look at Whoopi Goldberg and I'm like, hey, Whoopi Goldberg and I'm like, Hey, Whoopi, I apologize. I have probably four years left to live on this earth. I have a disease called diverticulitis. I work at the Memphis Zoo.

I inhaled a bunch of bird droppings. I literally have something called diverticulitis. When I go into the mall, I steal things. When I go camping, I'm worried that lightning will hit me. When I go in Kmart, I look for my mother. William, William. There you go. Got it.

I like the, thanks for that last creepy look over the shoulder. Just picture me being Tony Chin in the scene with that song playing. Okay, William, William, William. There you go. Everything else is good with you, William? You did two shows last night with us in La Jolla. Everything good in life? Let me give y'all my best joke of last night.

Sure. And then we'll end with that. So I've started doing a bunch of drugs with Ja Rule. It's thrown me off because every time we're in the bathroom, he will not stop saying, Holla, holla. we're in the bathroom, he will not stop saying, Holla! Holla!

Hey, William, why don't you do your best joke from last night? I have a really hard upbringing. I had a man named Larry Montgomery who was my father. He taught me how to steal in the mall.

He taught me how to steal people's bags in the airport. My point is, I just have these specific memories of going up into my parents' bedroom and my dad just being like, Hey, come on, y'all hold... Okay, all right, William. We lost him. There he is, William Montgomery, everybody.

There he goes. What do you... What do you guys think? Should we go back to the bucket one more time, huh? All right. Let's do it. you guys sing. Should we go back to the bucket one more time? Huh? Alright. Let's do it. How about another hand for Nick and Jim hanging out with us tonight. Two of the great comedians

in the world. So exciting. In the universe for that matter. How about a hand this looks like a new name. Put your hands together for V. Bentley. V. Bentley. Here she comes. Our first female of the night.

V. Bentley. One more time for V. Bentley. I know most of you have probably either at this point sent or received photos of genitals. I received really interesting ones pretty recently. I received just a photo of testicles. No explanation, only testicles. They were really big. I was like, I get why you're proud.

I could wrap myself up like a burrito in those things. Keep me warm in the winter. I like a guy that can provide. He decided to get interesting with it, and he sent me a photo of a bat wing. Do you guys know what that is? It's where you take your testicles and you stretch them out like this. And I was like, you need two hands for that. Who

helped you with the photo? Yeah. And then the next photo that he sent me was like even more interesting. He sent me a bat, a bat signal. Do you guys know what that is? It's where you make a bat wing and you flash a flashlight up through it and it looks like you can see all of his veins on the wall. I was like, you have a blood clot, you're going to die, and I saved his life. There you go, V. Bentley. I probably still need this.

What? I said I probably, I just like put it back like I'm going to go now. No. Yeah, I'm so nervous. No, it's all good. No need to be nervous. We're not going to send you a picture of our balls or anything like that. Relax, our part's over.

Darwin. Yeah, that was me in the joke. It's me. Oh, you sent a ball pit. Yeah. All right. And I was the one that helped him with the picture. Wow.

My goodness. The joke was already taken. I was going to ask if your dad sent the text. But, oh, that was inappropriate. Suddenly I'm too edgy. Okay. So, V, that really happened someone sent you a fucking

testicle picture what would that even be called there's dick pics and then there's what fucking like some type of fucking like there's some like a scroto photo Nick Swartzen ladies and gentlemen

very impressive scroto photo? A scroto photo! Nick Swartzen, ladies and gentlemen. Very impressive. Is it scroto photo? So this person who sent these, do you know them? Or is it just someone? Did you say that you knew the person? No, I didn't know it. And they keep sending them? Do you reply?

No. Do you say more? No. Did you send them a weird picture back, like an armpit pic? Extended baby a pic? He's like, don't leave me hanging. No, I wasn't on dating sites for very long. And he sent me a photo.

Well, first he just sent me, bitch, what that mouth do. Wow. Jesus. My goodness. So then he just sent. You should send him the clip of your minute here tonight. By the way, Tony, look at her jeans. They're rolled up.

Wow. This is incredible. I'm Mexican in shorts. Episode roll up. The balls in the sack. Were they dyed black by chance? My goodness. So how far did it get?

What that mouth do, then a ball pick. Is that the right order of events? Yeah, and I just didn't respond, and he's just like, you're a stuck-up bitch. And I'm like, okay. Wow, you turned up. I was having a rough day, all right? My goodness.

I'm sure it'll be fine. V, you're extremely nervous. How long have you been doing stand-up for? About three years. Three years. Where at? All here in Los Angeles? Yeah, I've actually hosted a show that you've been on before.

You've hosted a show that I've been on before? At the Improv. There you go. Fuck yeah. That makes sense. Thank you. I remember. I remember very clearly.

I remember you bringing me up. I don't get it confused with the every other night of the year in which I perform stand-up. I remember you. Seriously. It was nice for me. I was excited to do that. I remember seeing you and being like, I wonder what that mouth do. Oh, back to work.

So, V, you've been doing it a few years. What do you do for a living? How do you make money? I am a rep for a cosmetic and skin care brand. Ah, cosmetic skin care. Could you give me a discount on, like, eyeliner or anything like that? Yeah, for sure. I love that.

How long have you been doing that for? I've been in the industry for probably about five years, but just this specific job about a year. Wow, cosmetics. Have you ever seen anybody with tattooed eyeballs? No, that was a first. It scared me a little. It did. So, V, you have two options.

Is my microphone fucking on? Yeah, I guess it went out. Did they get a scroto photo when I said that? Something happened. I was really excited about that. I don't know what happened. Okay, you have two options. Right now, two guys proposed to you. Ball sack, guy, who's a fucking asshole, or black eyes, forever guy.

They propose to you right now. Which one do you pick? They might be the same guy. Well, that's what we're hoping. That's what we're hoping. In a perfect world. I'll just kill myself. Do you take your own life?

That's the right answer. I figured. You guys fixed your tech. We think we fixed it. It came unplugged. It was unplugged. V Bentley, tell us, what do you do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that?

You go whitewater rafting or something like that? All the time. No, I actually run three comedy shows in Orange County. Three comedy shows in Orange County? Yeah. Huh. Yeah. I'm trying.

I spend a lot of my time doing that. We do roast battles and things on YouTube. Oh, wow. Very good. Trying. Indeed. How about non-comedy-wise? Any fun hobbies or anything like that?

You seem like a pretty fun lady. You seem like you'd be into some wild stuff. I own every season of Buffy on DVD. That, too. No, I'm at the beach a lot, I guess. I take my dogs places. Oh, wow. I live in Orange County, so I spend most of my time driving up here.

It's not a shit ton of time for everything. What kind of dogs do you have? I have a Pomeranian and a Chihuahua. Oh, wow. They seem like they'd be pretty yappy, huh? They won't shut the fuck up. Really? Oh, shit. We have them. They're actually calling into the show right now. We have them live from Orange County.

Oh, one of them sounds like it's in pain a little bit. There you go. Very good. Dexter St. Jock looked at him. Dexter St. Jock is flying outside of the window right now. Your fourth floor apartment. I feel like if we keep saying his name, he's going to appear.

I think he's still here. We're hoping he'll disappear. I can feel his presence. I'm going to get in the car and he's going to be in the passenger seat. Just hovering. Even if it's just a cool breeze, it might be him. Possibly. We're going to get married after.

I don't know what was blacker. I don't know what was blacker, his eyeballs or the style of suit he was wearing. It was very Steve Harvey family feud on a Friday. You know what I mean? The Apollo 13 agrees, you weirdos. Thank you. Survey says that guy is scary. All right, V.

Well, you have a boyfriend right now? Yes. How long have you two been together it's a very long time almost 14 years 14 years wow are you guys getting married anytime soon you want to get married anything like that I don't know right now

why do you laugh at that because I don't know we got together when we were super young. Wait a second. Hold on. This just hit me. You've been with him 14 years and you're getting ball pics online.

We've had breaks. You've had breaks? You have ball breaks? I'm fucking... Ball breaks? We have one week for genital recreation. Just balls though. No shaft, babe. All right? I'll see balls, though. No shaft, babe, all right?

I'll see you next week. No shaft. What does your boyfriend think of the ball picks? I mean, he wasn't... He's not nuts about it, but... They don't... What is that? What is that?

What is that? That's great. All right, V. Well, thank you so much for coming to the show, and thanks for being on it. Good luck and congratulations. Yeah, V, good luck. Let me have another hand for V Bentley, everyone.

V motherfucking Bentley. There you go. And that's tonight's episode. So we did it. How about another hand for Nick and Jim, huh? And that's tonight's episode. We did it. How about another hand for Nick and Jim, huh?

Anything you guys want to promote or plug or anything like that? There's literally thousands and thousands of people listening and watching. Tomorrow night, me and Brian Callen are doing the Hong Kong Inn Adventure. Really? Is that true? We just did a Keltoni up there. It's actually really fun. Me and Callen are doing two shows tomorrow. It's a beautiful venue. Great food. Me and Callen.

I love it. Go see Nick Swartzen and Brian Callen. I guarantee a lot of the Ventura guys will be out there. I'm always touring. JimG always touring. Yeah. JimGaffigan.com. JimGaffigan.com. He's the man.

How about that? Nick Swartzen and Jim Gaffigan, ladies and gentlemen. How about one more time for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins over there, huh? There he is. Darwin. He has Jeremiah Wonders. He's on all social media. Jeremiah Stand Up.

Listen to his podcast. His album release is June 7th.th available everywhere just like his podcast follow him on social media anything else jeremiah yeah i want to thank uh very much uh rich young and david knolls over at minchi music for hooking me up with this uh curve soprano saxophone thank you so much music is incredible they are the best. They've been a great help on the horns on this show. That sax is adorable. It really is super cool. How about another hand for Chroma Chris over there?

Two for two tonight. Chroma Chris always on fire. What do you think about tonight's episode, Chris? You're really taking back Monday, Tony. Whoa. How about another hand one more time for Joelberg Joel Jimenez, huh? Joelberg's mostly sorry on social media, and be sure to follow him. Anything else?

Thank you to Ludwig Drums, as always. Ludwig Drums. He's an official Ludwig artist, ladies and gentlemen. That's a really big deal. Look at this drawing from Ryan Shea-Ebel. While you all sat there doing nothing, Ryan Shea-Ebel drew this live. Look at that. That's a really big deal. Look at this drawing from Ryan Shea-Ebel. While you all sat there doing nothing, Ryan Shea-Ebel drew this live. Look at that. That's fucking incredible. That's

Jim Gaffigan. That's Nick Swartzen. He even gave you the Vikings helmet. Also, shout out to Lambden Guitars. Yes, indeed. And thank you so much to the live audience for coming out tonight. You guys have fun.

We'll be back next week, 8 p.m., right here at the World Famous Comedy Store. Another shout-out, thank you to La Jolla and the people that came. So much fun. And make sure you check out the tour dates. They're TonyHinchcliffe.com, DeathSquad.tv. And go watch past episodes. Rate, review, subscribe, tell your friends, have viewing parties. Red Band, see you guys later. Thank you so episodes. Great review. Subscribe. Tell your friends, have viewing parties,

red band. See you guys later. Thank you so much. Good night, everyone.ご視聴ありがとうございましたななななななななな塊だましななななななななな 塊だまし ななななななななな 塊だまし

ななななななななな 塊だまし ななななななななな塊だまし Thank you.魂