KILL TONY - KILL TONY #348 - SALT LAKE CITY

Episode Date: May 16, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 05/14/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly hey this is red band and we are in the middle of our summer tour right now i'm in uh spokane washington uh we have a show tonight tomorrow we're in portland oregon it's sold out and then the following day vanc. And then following that, we are in Seattle. Both shows are sold out there, though. And then we're going to Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Nebraska, Des Moines, Iowa, Appleton, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, New York, Brooklyn, Skankfest. Every one of these dates can be found at Death squad.tv just click on tour dates go to ryanjebelt.com he's the house artist for all his posters and all the stuff he does there he's

ryanjebelt.com tonyhingecliff.com that's for everything golden pony and last but not least shop squad.tv there you can get all the official Death Squad merchandise, and there might be a couple Kill Tony shirts left. Go to shopsquad.tv. So join us on our tour, guys. Don't wait, because these are selling out all the time. So don't forget to go to deathsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the State Room in Salt Lake City, Utah for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up on Tony Hedgeman. Salt Lake City, we have arrived. Wow.

Look, everybody. It's the great and powerful Brian Redman. What is up, guys? Wow. Kill Tony has come to Mormon country, ladies and gentlemen. All these good, good religious people have put their problems aside for a little while to come hang out with us. How exciting is this, Red Band? It's so fucking great. Beautiful fucking Salt Lake City.

We've been wanting to bring this show here for a long time, and we fucking made it. You guys pumped about this or what? Holy shit. Wow. Hello. We like that. You are stop number three on our big, fat fucking summer tour. The fun continues.

We go to Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, two shows in Seattle all this week, back at the Comedy Store every single Monday. And then in June, it kicks off again. Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Nebraska, Des Moines, Appleton, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, and a second show has been added to the already sold- Des Moines, Appleton, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, and a second show has been added to the already sold out New York, New York Gramercy Theater. Incredible. The tour goes on and on, slipping and falling everywhere we go.

Caveman Coffee's delicious. Go to cavemancoffee.com, use the promo code KILTONI, save 15%, and the new Reagan and Watkins album is out June 7th. Can you believe that? Yeah. A band basically created and incubated through KILTONI family and friendships. And they have a real album. You can preorder it right now, actually.

Right now on iTunes. It's a really big deal. The album release party is June 6th in the main room at the Comedy Store. Red Band and I will both be performing on that show. June 6th in the main room at the Comedy Store. Red Band and I will both be performing on that show. And super cool thing about this tour is that we have Ryan J. Ebelt, official

house artist of Kill Tony. We have official Kill Tony prints available for $20 that we will all sign. We'll take a picture with you. You just got to wait in a little bit of a line and we'll plow through it. Those are official tour posters. They have the words

Salt Lake City and Kill Tony on them. It's special. As always on the road shows of this show, we do not have a guest tonight. That is very custom. Some lucky

cities, however, are lucky enough to be able to be gifted with the Kill Tony band that we have. Good save. Good save. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. You never know what they're going to be or what they're going to do. Sometimes it's a brand new character like fucking puppeteers or something like that. You know,

something that we're only probably going to see once. You know what I mean? We could only hope. Or, or sometimes it's some of the legendary characters that we've seen before that we absolutely love. They're my favorite thing in all the comedy, truly two of my funniest friends.

And it's such an honor to always get to work with them. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land. It is the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Bird, Joel Jimenez. Let's see Whoa! Wow! Oh my God! Vampires! For the first time ever! No? That you guys have been on before? Wow! My goodness, I didn't even know that. Am I correct? You are vampires.

Hey, it's Vampire Elvis. How y'all doing? Now I remember you, Vampire Elvis. Hey, good to be back. This is very exciting. Vampire Elvis. And clearly over here we have Danny Trejo from all of your favorite movies. Fresh out of... Fresh out of... Fresh out of... How are you, buddy?

What do you got there? Some salsa dripping from your mouth. You better watch... You better watch your mouth, Tony. Wow. I am Vladimir Bushcock. Vladimir Bushcock? Wow.

Yes, in the flesh. All right. We have Vampire Elvis and Vladimir Bushcock. I'm excited about this. Vampire Elvis, anybody ever tell you you look a lot like Mitt Romney? Never heard of him. So let me get this right. I can't tell.

Perhaps you're more one than the other. How do you even become a vampire Elvis? I got bit by another vampire, and the story pretty much tells itself. Wow. So you were originally Elvis. Now you're vampire Elvis. I'm excited about this. We got vampires.

We got Red Band. I'm here. We have our official tablecloth. And right here, my friends, just to keep things crystal clear here tonight, we have a clear Salt Lake City bucket of destiny here. You know. We like to keep things transparent here in Salt Lake City. So anything can happen. We had a bunch of people sign up before the show in the lobby area, just like with every Kill Tony. And who knows?

Maybe it's a local comedian that's been doing it for years that's stuck in Salt Lake City with like 11 wives or whatever the fuck. Or maybe it's somebody, you know, often on these road shows, it's somebody who it's their first time. They listen to the show a lot. They're excited. It's a lot of pressure. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start this fucking thing or what? It's the first ever Kill Tony live Salt Lake City.

That's right. How could I forget? If I pull your name out of the jar, you get 60 seconds. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Oh, that's so quiet. There it is. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the big gay Mormon bear.

Wow. Anything can happen. You guys ready for this shit or what? My hand goes in the jar. I'm fucking excited about this. There's some interesting charisma in the audience. I can just feel it. Lots of energy.

Just to let you guys know, the stairs, no matter where you're sitting... Oh, my God. That flashlight's already annoying the shit out of me, if you're wondering. Yes, that makes it better. Yes, always delve deeper. It's on that side of the room. I could easily point to them with my hand, Brian. It's on that side of the room. So even if you're on this side of the

room, do not jump up on this stage. You have to go to that side and then come up and then come up a stairway. Perhaps even maybe the lighting guy. Is there a way to turn on a light over there? Huh? No? No? We should have thought about that beforehand, huh?

As long as you don't turn on sunlight, we're okay. Hey, so just be careful coming up the stairs. Do your best, and let's get this fucking thing started. I pulled a name out of the jar. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Steve Utley. Here we go. Steve Utley.

Wow, right from the front row. I mean, here he comes all the way around. This is a well-mannered guy. He got up from that spot. Very tempting to jump on stage from there, but he listened to the instructions. He walked all the way around. And now he's going to trip on Jeremiah's sax case.

Hell yeah. Here he is, your first comedian. Make some noise for Steve Utley. What's up, everybody? Went ice fishing the other day, but I didn't catch a single cube. I recently took a vacation to a remote island. Now if I can find a TV to a remote island. Now if I can find a TV island, I'll be all set.

Brought my dog to a vet. He didn't fix my dog, but he told us a lot of war stories. He even gave me a prescription. It was just a big piece of cardboard that said, anything helps. He even gave me a prescription. It was just a big piece of cardboard that said, Anything helps. I'm pretty sure the first sweater was named on a hot day. I used to climb trees when I was a kid, but I don't anymore.

I tried it the other day and people got mad. They said, what are you doing in our living room? It's Christmas. I can't believe nobody's taken a helicopter skiing yet. Hell yeah. There you go. Steve Utley. Hi, Steve.

How are you? I'm frigging good, man. Good. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. First time ever. How about that? I'm frigging good, man. Good. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. First time ever. How about that? There it is.

The goat of the first time. Hell yeah, dude. Congratulations. You are the funniest version of TJ Dillashaw we've ever seen on this show. I would have loved to have seen how that performance would have gone had you unbuttoned your top button. Yeah, you're really choking yourself out there. I was debating. Sometimes, you know, I don't know.

It's there. So let's get right into it. You're the first person pulled out of the bucket here tonight. Are you Mormon? Because you look like what we've been trained to expect. You look like a cast member of the playbook of Mormon. That's what it looks like. Well, you see, I was debating

between a different shirt and this one, but this one doesn't show my fucking sweaty armpits, so I went with this one. Hell yeah, you went with the old fucking Beetlejuice shirt. I like it. Heck yeah, the old beautiful Salt Lake City picnic table.

That's right. Hell yeah. Vampire Elvis. Oh, just admiring this guy's biceps, baby. You are a pretty ripped guy. You work out a lot? No. No?

And yet, still, you're wearing a boy's extra small for some reason. Yeah. Just showing it off. Maybe his muscles aren't even that big. I just think the shirt is so small that it makes the muscles look big in comparison. Is that an Oshkosh? Is that the brand?

You fake it till you make it. It looks like you bought this shirt at a store called Whites Only. And did you park your time machine outside? I thought I was from the past. Look at you. How old are you, Vladimir Bushcock? You thought his name was Vladimir Bushcock for a second?

Yes, that's my name. I'm sorry I've lapsed in mental capacity. We just celebrated his 423rd birthday. Wow. Geez. Yeah, I look pretty fucking good, don't I? Yeah, you do, but I'm worried about your memory. Whose blood did you suck?

Freddie Mercury's? I know this guy. I know this guy. So, Steve, tell us more about you. You're born and raised here in Salt Lake City? No. I'm originally from Minnesota. Minnesota.

How'd you end up here? Well, I had a small year in Colorado, and then I knew some friends out here, and I was close, so I came to visit, and I loved it so much, I just moved out. Yeah, what'd you fall in love with here in Salt Lake City? What was it? What was the main thing that did it to you, that everybody looks like you? Just rolled right into old Pleasantville.

When you moved here, did they start chanting, one of us, one of us? I fucking wish. No, I just love how the mountains are super close. You've got the big city. You've got the suburbs, the lake. You've got everything kind of all in the same place. It's great.

Hell yeah. Look at you. You're a little fucking tour guide. Fuck yeah. What do you do for work, Steve? Well, I actually moved out here to start a guitar lesson studio and recording studio. Wow. How's that going for you? Well, I actually moved out here to start a guitar lesson studio and recording studio. Wow.

How's that going for you? Well, I have another job. Yeah, what's the other job? I work for AT&T. AT&T? Hell yeah. What do you do for them? I'm an event expert, so...

You're an expert of events. An expert, yeah. AT&T. Yeah, so I go to different events around the state and go to home appointments. I pretty much do everything like a mobile team. So it's like a store on wheels. My goodness. Wow, that's interesting.

Hey, did you get that? I hope my bosses are watching because I made that sound pretty all right. The fuck did you just say to me? I said I hope my bosses are watching because I made that sound all right. Yeah, no, we got AT&T. That's them calling right now. I'm fired. Wow, Steve, what do you do for fun when you're not working?

Tell us about you. I mean, what do you, you seem like the kind of guy that likes to take a canoe down the mountain or something like that, right? I got one better. He looks like he shops at the clothing store Hitler Youth. No, I was hoping I could get to this joke, but I didn't.

But I actually, I recently started ant keeping. You started what? Ant keeping. Ant keeping, is that true? It is true. I mean, I got uncles and stuff, what do you mean? Is that why your hand's in your pocket? You got some ants in?

I do, ants in my pants. That's funny. I had the list of jokes, but I don't know. Ants in my pants. That's funny. I had the list of jokes. Ants in the pants, uncles in the attic. You know what they say. There you go. This thing he's talking about, the bug, the ants. Oh, I'm all shook up. Tony, I recently started cryptkeeping.

Really? Yes. How long ago did you start that? 200 years. There you go. You're right there on that one, Vladimir Quick return So Steve Utley Is that true? Do you really have ant farms? Fucking right

Man, so you get all the pussy in town? Is that true? Yes That's huge technology out here, isn't it? You put the ants in the refrigerator, right? You put them to sleep and then you put them in the ant farm? No, it's, well How do isn't it? You put the ants in the refrigerator, right? You put them to sleep and then you put them in the ant farm? How do you do it? No, I mean, the whole thing is

you find the queen ant and then you basically wait for it to lay eggs and make a... How do you find a queen ant? You go out there with a magnifying glass and shit? You play Bohemian Rhapsody and they just start showing up? Oh, shit.

Vladimir is warming up over there. Listen to the audience go. I don't know how to tell you this, man, but your aunt has AIDS. Shoot. Should have known. My goodness. And how many times have you found a queen ant?

Oh, well, I actually sell them, too. You sell them? You're an ant dealer? Fucking right. Dude. Oh, my God. How much for a fucking... It's just such a silly thing.

That's why... I don't know. Do you have any gay ants? And they're like, Yas, queen ants. Vampire Elvis, I love you. I can't believe

we're lucky enough to have him here tonight. I mean, really though, mostly I do music so I record and write music. You record and write it. You don't sing it, you don't play it. I do play it. I do play it. You do play it?

What do you play? I play guitar. I play everything. You play only acoustic guitar though, right? Electric guitar. Really? You have like a pedal that you hit or you just keep it acoustic sounding? No.

You seem like a soft rock kind of guy. I actually play metal, so you can look it up. Really? Yeah. You play hard rock? Metal. Metal? Yeah.

You? Look it up my god how would we find it Apple Music yeah iTunes Amazon

Spotify what's it called just look for Steve Utley my name Steve Utley there you go that should be interesting that's a metal band

if I've ever heard it yeah that's definitely a metal band there's definitely not 45 country stars named Steve Utley well metal a metal band. There's definitely not 45 country stars named Steve Utley. Well.

Metal. What's like the darkest song that you have? Here's a song that he did called Backslider. Is that yours? Do a... That one's a really heavy one, so if you want a really heavy one, do that one. I mean, what would be a better one? Do you have a better one?

Ah, fuck it. Do a Back one? All right, here we go. This is what Steve Utley backslider. Oh my god. That's you? You even got the lights going. Look at that. Vladimir Bushcock seems to like it

He's gargoyling out I love it Wow Are there lyrics to this song at all? Does anything happen? No, it's instrumental Instrumental Wow

It's an instrumental album I've never heard anything like that Unless you count everything I've ever heard before Hey, well there you go Yeah, that sounded like a motorcycle just idling. You don't sing in any of your songs? Well, I'm making a new album right now. Yeah?

Can you give us a line of one of your... Come on. Yeah, you can. How many of you want to hear Steve sing a line right now? No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't say no to me. Look at them. Look at them. I'm trying to think here now.

You're an all-star. You can do this. I'm trying to think of some lyrics. I thought you were the writer. I am the writer, but I'm still working on it, man. Well, I am, Tony. You're really barking up the wrong tree. It's progress, man. I really am the writer. Don You're really barking up the wrong tree. True progress, man. I really am a writer.

Don't you do that to me in front of all these people. Ay-yi-yi-da. Fuck's sakes. Sing us a line. Just one fucking sentence from one of your songs. Come on. You got this shit. All right.

Ryan, let him sing. Here you go. Here he is singing one fucking line from one of his songs. One line is hard, man. Steve Utley. Hold on. Stop. Brian, that might not match the tone.

You're giving him an excuse to stall here, this fucking guy. Yeah. No, don't. Don't. He's lying to you, Brian. How are you? All right. This is like the new form of this show. It's called

Ignore the Host. Very good. Just keep playing guitar, Brian. Just keep strumming a nothing chord. Steve, if you don't start singing, I'm gonna fucking murder you from behind. I'm going to murder you. We were given our minds

to think! Not to play a play with lords on a lake! That you're dating behind colored screens! All right, all right. I can't believe I waited 45 seconds for that. That's all I can do on short notice, man. Sorry. Oh, my God.

You're going to have to confess on Sunday for whatever you just said into that microphone. Well, Steve, you know, you popped your cherry here tonight. You had the balls to eventually sing a line. There it is, the dolphin of the first time. And you did it. There you go, Steve Utley, everybody. Isn't he adorable?

The long walk back to the front row. Who's that? Are you Steve's wife? No, I'm his friend. Just his friend? How do you guys know each other? AT&T? That's his aunt.

Ooh, is this a motherfucking Tinder date I'm seeing right here? Steve, how do you know this young lady next to you? I know her from a show that I play music at. Yeah, that's Tinder. You guys are on a Tinder date. You're not going to fool me, dude. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Matthew Bennett.

Matthew Bennett. Oh, there he is. Quick. Here he is. Watch out for the case. Yeah. One more time for Matthew, everybody. What's up?

I'm from Alaska, born and raised in Eagle River, Alaska. And it's kind of cool being here in Utah from Alaska because everybody asks a bunch of questions and one of the questions I got recently was what are the girls like in Alaska? But because guys are curious about what girls are like in different regions and ladies if you think dudes are going to Miami for the beach, you're dumb.

If you think your boyfriend's going to Scottsdale, Arizona for a golfing tournament, he's cheating on you. It's geography, okay? But it's an interesting question about what the girls are like in Alaska because they're like boys. The girls are boys. I was telling my friend what the girls were like in Alaska, and I ended up just describing a dude from Provo.

Yeah, it's weird. They act like boys, they talk. Last time I was in Alaska, I think I saw a girl scratch her balls. I was like, mm. Heck yeah, those Alaskan women. Those goddamn Alaskan women are all like a bunch of boys.

What's probo? That's a local reference that hit hard. What did you say there? Probo? Probo, it's like where the Mormons hang out. Prolo? Provo, yeah. That's where BYU is and stuff. BYU, okay.

The Mormon school, yeah. And that's what? BYU is and stuff. BYU. Yeah, yeah. The Mormon school, yeah. And that's what, what? That's where the Mormons go.

But yeah, but in your joke, you said the women look like what from Provo? The dudes from Provo. The dudes from Provo. Now, let me ask you this. Do the dudes from Provo

look differently than dudes other places? Yeah. Yeah, they do. What do they look like? Do they all look like Steve Utley? Yeah, I had a feeling. I think I already have this whole city figured out.

I've only been here a few hours. I thought they were going to say black. No, I found out about Salt Lake City's black neighborhood before the show. It's called State Prison. Anyway, back to Anthony Jeselnik's baby cousin over here. So, Matthew, how long have you been doing stand-up? First time. Damn right.

Absolutely. Nah. Absolutely. Okay. First time ever. How old are you? 23. 23. Now, I noticed at the beginning of your set, it seemed to have a lot to do with cheating, right? Cheating, men cheating on women. The first reference

was what? Women cheating on men, right? So, have you ever been cheated on? How many times? Because we tend to, I feel like sometimes as comedians, we tend to talk about things therapeutically that have affected us in our lives. So, am I right? A little bit.

Yeah, you've been 100% right. By a little bit, you mean a lot of bit. A lot of bit, yeah. So was your high school sweetheart the love of your life? Wow, yeah. Yeah. And how long were you guys together? Four years?

Oh, my God. What? Billy! Weird. And then you guys went to college together? Or no, after high school, what happened? You guys went... Here's in high school, one college.

One in college, yep. And the college, you went to the same college, or you tried to make it work separately? Tried to make it work separately. You tried to make it work. And how far away were your guys' two colleges? I was in Alaska and she came to Utah. Wow.

And now you're in Utah chasing the dream. Chasing the dream, yeah. And by the dream, I mean her. No, she's back home. She's back home in Alaska. My goodness. And you stayed. Yeah.

Look at you. She's up there looking like a fucking dude from Provo and here you are 23 years old you got the fucking boyish good looks you look like Zac Efron's version of Ted Bundy you're killing it nothing can stop you

I'm on your side in this thing fuck her who did she cheat on you with was it a personal trainer perhaps or You're killing it. Nothing can stop you. I'm on your side in this thing. Fuck her. Who did she cheat on you with? Was it a personal trainer, perhaps? I didn't ask details. You didn't ask details? Oh, my God. Brian seems to think it was the black guy in town.

You think there's a chance that it could have been a black guy? Yeah, very high. Really? I'm not kidding. You're not kidding? I don't know how you're doing this. How the fuck is there a wolf in this? What does a wolf have to do with a black guy fucking his girlfriend? That's a moose, like a moose cock that destroyed his girl from high school.

Wow. All right. If you can explain it, I'll allow it. So when you say you're not kidding, you seriously think it was a black guy. What makes you say that? What makes you think that? Just be honest. She was hanging out with the basketball team. Wow. Really? God damn. Are we talking about the mailman, Carl Malone?

What are we talking about here? Which basketball team? the mailman, Carl Malone? What are we talking about here? Which basketball team? It's not the first time someone's left John Stockton for a Carl Malone type. Boom! That's a fucking real Utah Jazz reference right there. Little white guy, big black guy guy I love it is that true wow that's incredible so uh what basketball team are you talking about Dixie Dixie oh yeah that sounds about right I I definitely wouldn't want anyone I love near the Dixie basketball team the word Dix is in the name I should have known Wow My goodness Dixie my god

What's the mascot name of Dixie The Dixie The Rebels holy shit Oh my god Yeah her little pussy got what we would call Tore the fuck up She moved back to Alaska just so she could put that thing on ice. She's from Alaska,

but that basketball player is the one that went deep sea fishing. I love this. For those of you listening, Matthew's taking this like a champ. He's laughing, which is fucking, that's a good fucking sign. So clearly you're over it. How long ago did this end? Two years ago, one year ago.

It's been a while. Yeah. Three years, four years. Okay. Four or five, yeah. Okay, we'll allow it. It doesn't really match up with the timeline, but I'll allow it. Okay, no, it does.

It does. So what do you do for work, Matthew? I go to school right now. Really? What are you studying? Dental hygiene. Dental hygiene? Yeah, yeah.

Fuck, yeah. That's interesting. What do you want to do with that? I wanted to be a dentist, but... Yeah, now we're dealing with that. I love this part of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. This is one of my favorite parts. The little kid that looks just like you wants to be a dentist,

but shit doesn't go the way he plans, right? He ends up having to save Christmas and shit like that. Alright. So you wanted to be a dentist. Where did things go wrong? I still might, but... Uh-oh. I know how it ends. It ends with you being a dentist,

dude. Oh, nice. Do you want to take a look at my mouth real quick? What would we do? Saw those down a little bit? What makes you want to be a dentist? Is it because you miss your ex-girlfriend's mouth so much that Oh, wow. I'm kidding, I'm kidding,

Matthew. There you go. Now, what is it about dentistry that you like? The money, I guess. Ah, look at that. Do you ever workshop jokes and put laughing gas on people? I should have done that.

My goodness. How about your family? You close with your family? What do they do? They're up in Alaska still? Yeah, all of them. What's going on up there? Yes, Vampire Elvis. Yeah, you mentioned on your set, you called a woman dumb. How comfortable are you calling women dumb to their face?

Vampire Elvis is from a different time. You just got to answer the question as it comes. I don't know. Good. You would do that? You're good at calling women dumb to their face? Jokingly, hopefully. Aw, you're so adorable, Matthew. He answered

my question like a foreigner. Like, he just took it in and then he just said, good. Good. So let's talk about it. Family in Alaska. What are they up to? Are you raised in a... I can't even picture what a fucking neighborhood up there even looks like.

What are we talking about here? You were raised in an igloo? No, just normal houses. I got a creek in my backyard. Creek? Yeah. That's cool. That is normal to you?

Huh? He said the creek in backyard is normal. I grew up in castle made of stone. With severed heads on stakes in front yard. A creek is like a moat if it was in the back. Oh, it's normal then. Yeah. What do your parents do?

What do they do? They're Alaskan truck drivers? My mom's an artist and my dad just works for a hospital. I'm not sure really what he does. You don't know what he does at a hospital? He hires and fires. He's like project manager but can't ask too many questions. Yeah, I know what that's like. That's like being an event expert. Yeah.

I know all about that. Well, Matthew, you know, for a first time, you know, you're doing it, dude. You're doing fucking, you're in the pocket. You're trying your best. It's not easy. Every time you do it, it're going to have highs and lows, but you popped your cherry here tonight.

Anything else from Matthew, guys? There he goes, Matthew Bennett, ladies and gentlemen. Onward and upward. There he goes. Fuck yeah. Look at this audience. So clean cut out here. I know.

I love it. Some of them are clean cut. A lot of them look like they woke up in Pioneer Park this morning. What? Oh, hello. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. Did you go to the Utah Wikipedia page or something? Yeah, right.

There's no name on that one. Sometimes no names make it in. Okay, this is a one-word name. Put your hands together for Reynolds, everybody. Let's get those house lights up for a second. Let me see if he's coming. We got a Reynolds. Here he comes from deep in the back.

He's going the right way. Here he goes. He looks like he's running, but he's moving extremely slow. Here he comes. There you go. From that ledge, my friend. From that ledge, my friend. One more time for Reynolds, everybody.

Hi, Utah likes to party. I just like to preface that. So, I've been working on a joke all week, but it sucked dick. So I, uh, the one time I tried to see Kill Tony, it was in Thanksgiving. It was like a time-offs. They do a death squad show, something like that.

And I, uh, as a preference, uh, partyingings kind of a hobby of mine and I quartered Jeremiah the nicest guy in the whole world and Joel wasn't there and I made Jeremiah name off Mexican comedians to explain who he looked like. He was, uh, Felipe Esparza? I made him... Yeah, he, uh, there was more than that, but that was the last one he landed on, and I was like, yes, sir, that's the one. Uh, yes, thank you.

Wow. Reynolds, hell yeah You definitely like to party What the fuck? Utah parties Let's check in with Vampire Elvis Yeah, can I just say, please don't bring me into your bomb, brother Vladimir? You'll have to excuse him, he's missing some blood from earlier

My goodness, wow So let's just get into it Your opening line and basically your theme throughout Is that Utah parties, you like to party I've been there once I didn't realize they had real life pirates here in Salt Lake City I don't know what river you took to get here. So what are we talking about?

What type of partying do you do, Reynolds? I don't know. Like AT&T event? I used to travel all over the country and do music festivals. That was my big thing. Yeah? What are some of the big ones that you've been to? EDC, Tomorrow World, fucking...

Yeah, I don't know any of these. So what's the craziest drug you've ever done? And did you do it 20 minutes ago? No. Maybe it's a stroke. I was trying to be sober for Kill Tony. Yeah? That's the one thing.

Try harder. I feel like you snorted more lines than you wrote for the show. I just think. Hilarious. Ha, ha, ha. Cocaine. Hey, Elvis is excited. Ha, ha, ha.

Died on the pooper. So now that you're from Salt Lake City Born and raised I am born and raised It's called Taylorsville It's like outside of Salt Lake If you weren't from Taylorsville You'd say Salt Lake

Okay What are you How old are you? I am 32 32 What do you do for work? I'm a bartender across the street I tried to

The only time I met Jeremiah In a hallway I was like Man if you ever come to Salt Lake, come to my hotel. I'll take care of you. Wow. Where did you, this is so crazy. You keep referencing this meeting with Jeremiah.

Because he's the nicest guy in the fucking world. How do you know that? I mean, I agree. I'm friends with him. But where was this that you met Jeremiah Watkins? And by the way, that's Vampire Elvis. I don't know who you're talking about. Vampire Elvis. Sorry, Vampire Elvis. Yeah, but where that you met Jeremiah Watkins? And by the way, that's Vampire Elvis. I don't know who you're talking about. Vampire Elvis.

Sorry, Vampire Elvis. Yeah, but where did you meet Jeremiah? We tried to go to Kill Tony on Thanksgiving. You were out of town, so Brian had a show. Where was this? It was at the Comedy Store. The Comedy Store sucks, by the way. It's just a dark room.

It's not bad. You are the first person in the history of comedy to ever say that. No, it's just a dark room. No audience member nor comedian has ever said those words before. Do you know that? There's some things that are arguable in this world.

The Comedy Store sucking is not even one of them. You got thrown out. There are some things that are arguable in this world. The Comedy Store sucking is not even one of them. No, it's cool. It's just like... You got thrown out. What happened? I actually tried to shake your hand, and you weren't having any of it. Yeah, because you're probably more wasted than you are now,

and I couldn't understand a word you were saying. And when you say it was just a dark room, are you talking about like this room is? Or any showroom in which live performances happen. Yeah, dude. It was fucking the place must have not paid their Powerball. There was only one light on. Tony. Tony, any room

is dark when you black out. Hey, there you go. He has arrived. Joel Berg is here, ladies and gentlemen. Joelberg. My goodness. Reynolds, what are other undeniably awesome things that you hate? Awesome things that I hate?

What else? Do you hate hamburgers, too? No, I don't. How about air? No, I don't hate that place. It's just, you guys, like, I listen to you all the time, and you guys built it up to be this great place. I walked there.

Did you only go in one room? The main room. You saw a stand-up comedy show. You guys killed it. You guys did great. You just said I wasn't there. That's why I wasn't going to kill Tony. Tony, don't put words in my mouth.

I'm not. I'm repeating your words back to you. Wow, you're fucked Tony, don't put words in my mouth. I'm not. I'm repeating your words back to you. Wow, you're fucked up. I like it. You're sober now, but whatever you've done to your brain before this, clearly... That's a real question.

There's some fucking residue going on. All right, Reynolds. Well, you might be one of the most hated men in Salt Lake City right now at this moment. I've worked on that for a long time. Is there anything... Is there a redeeming quality that perhaps you can tell us that will make this room like you or something like that? This isn't for you guys because you guys don't like Mormons, but I'm the youngest of 10 children. So I have, I live that life guys. I'm a good Mormon. I'm a good Mormon. Wow. these people hate you, dude. Jesus will debate that.

Jesus will debate that. Let's check in with Vampire Elvis. So just like within your family, this set was also a mistake. I'm the youngest of ten children, but the closest one to me is nine years older than me. So I was a surprise. I was a surprise. I was a surprise. Wow. Okay.

Why does this guy look like he just got the rim stolen off his unicycle? Yeah, did you come here alone or did the other two musketeers join you? Alright. Alright, so, uh, Did you come here alone or did the other two musketeers join you? All right. So, uh, Ranald, the redeeming quality that you pitched for yourself is that you're the youngest of ten children.

Because I'm a good Mormon. Oh, man. Wait, so you are a Mormon, okay? How many of you want to kill this guy right now? Hey, hey, hey. Ranald. Ranald, I. Hey, hey, hey. I'll tell you this, dude, is that you gave it a shot. You did just about everything

wrong. I mean, through and through. Really, I don't think there's much you could have done worse. Insulting the comedy story is a low I haven't even thought of. I've never even prepared for that. Like, wow, what if somebody does this or that? What would I do low I haven't even thought of. I've never even prepared for that. Like, wow, what if somebody does this or that?

Like, what would I do? Like, I don't even know how to handle that. I'm sorry. I'm getting married in two weeks, and my wife's been trying to get me to cut this mustache off, and I was like, no, because Kill Tony's going to call me the fuck up, and they need something to call me a pirate or homeless or...

Well, no, we would have had other things. We would have had other things to call you. We're going to keep it moving along. There goes Reynolds, everybody. Put that back in the mic stand. It's okay. I know. Oh, shit.

Almost fell off the stage. We were almost that lucky right there. Wow. How about one more good boo for Reynolds, everybody? Yeah. Salt Lake City's a good place. Okay, Ryan. It's just his own little show over here sometimes.

Little. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Jessica Wren. Jessica Wren. Wow, big pop from the middle of the crowd. Here comes Jessica, everybody. How about one more time for Jessica Wren? Hi, guys.

Okay, so a lot of women are really into super manly guys, but I'm not. I like a more sensitive guy. Like, I want to be able to look at a guy and know that at some point he's going to cry during sex. I just need that. If I had to pick a word to describe my perfect guy, it would probably be hetero-light. Like, I don't want him to be so gay that he would invite the DoorDash guy into bed with us, but I want him to be gay enough to be just a little bit obsessed with Ryan Reynolds' bone structure. It's a sweet spot.

Lucky for me, I did, he's right over there, I did find someone who's just straight enough. Yep. It's pretty great because he likes to watch musicals and eat pussy. It's pretty good. Anyway, that's it for me. There you go. Absolutely.

56 seconds from Jessica Rins. Definitely. Perfect. That's incredible. How long have you been doing stand-up? Seven months. Seven months. Good for you. It's a good set.

Thank you. Started strong. Kept it there the whole time. Yes, Vampire Elvis. Yeah, I feel like the man she was describing in her set is Tony Hinchcliffe. I was going to say that. Yes. Yes.iffe. I was going to say that! Yes! Yes! Totally! I was going to get there. I was planning that

if I would, yeah. That's me all the way. I love eating pussy and listening to musicals. That's what I do. Two of my favorite things. So let's talk about it. Have you always been into guys like that? Always.

And why do you think that is? Uh, so let's talk about it. Have you always been into guys like that? Always. Always. Um, and why do you think that is? What, what's your dad like? Big tough guy. He loves musicals. Really? Yeah. So he's a big softy too? That's the kind of guy that you're into?

Yeah. But let's not bring my dad into it. Does he have a push lawnmower or a riding lawnmower? I don't think he mows. He doesn't mow the lawn. He doesn't mow the lawn at all? He has a, he has a Vladimir Bushcock for that? Yeah.

Yeah. What does your dad do for work? He is a delivery driver. Wow. So that's a pretty manly job, actually. So just don't bring my dad into it. It's not about my dad. A delivery driver? Manly job? That's interesting. You keep trying to make this some Freudian thing.

Yeah, no, I am. No, and it is. What does your boyfriend do for work? What does he deliver, though? He is a corporate sales trainer. Corporate sales trainer. So he drives around from city to city training different people, right? Drives around a lot like a delivery driver.

Yeah. This is all Freudian, my little friend. Just out of curiosity, Elvis had a good question. Vampire Elvis. What does your dad deliver? Bread. Wow, look at that. Fuck yeah.

That's actually pretty womanly because yeast, yeast infections, you know. How long have you been with this new boyfriend that you got? Almost two years. Almost two years. Where'd you guys meet? Tinder. Tinder? Oh, my goodness.

Wow. What was your first date? Anywhere crazy? We went to a quiz night at a pub. Wow. Man, this guy is gay. Did you guys hook up that night? No. No? Wow, you're so quick to answer that.

Did he try or what? No. Did he kiss you on the cheek? No. Did he hug you? Yes. If he tried, would you have been okay with it? Yeah, how far do you think you would have gone, honestly? First night. It's probably the hardest question you've been asked since quiz night.

I had made some rules for myself that I wasn't going to do that right away. Like what? No, like I put it in my phone. You were going to stop him at one finger. I was going to, yeah. So usually in Elvis' experience Women who make lists That say that they're not going to do things

They used to be former sluts Is that true? Now we're getting somewhere Tony My goodness You have any What do you do for work? I ask you that? well I'm a mom

and I'm trying to start a child care business but don't worry about the kids I don't talk like that you're a mom? yeah I'm a mom how old's your kid? 7 and 4

7 and 4? yeah oh okay so that's why that's why the guy's so soft now I get it like he's like he's gotta like He had to inherit kids and shit. He has four.

He has four kids? Wow. Man, even the non-Mormons can't stop reproducing in this fucking city. Even Joel is like, calm down. Yeah, Mexicans got nothing on these fucking Salt Lake City people. What happened to the old guy? Yeah, baby daddy. Ex-husband.

Uh-huh. Right. That guy just moved out. Now, was that guy a manly man? No. No? He was a softy, too? Not really.

Yeah. All right. Okay. All right. And this new guy, what does he do for work? Yeah. All right. Okay. All right. And this new guy, what does he do for work? He's the corporate sales trainer. Oh, that's right. That's right.

And he does stand up too. Oh, interesting. So do the six kids all live together? We are moving in together this weekend, actually. Wow. Look at that. And what are the... In the ghetto.

In the ghetto. In the ghetto. Yeah, this sounds like the heartbreak hotel that they're going to be living in. So yours are seven and four. What are his four kids? Ballpark. 15, 13, 11, and nine. They're all boys.

13 and 11 and a half. How about yours? Seven and four. Are they girls? One girl and a boy. The seven-year-old's a girl? Yeah. Oh, shit.

This sounds like some dirty porno about to get started over here. Oh, come on. You haven't Googled 11-year-old fuck seven-year-old girl. Shut up. Shut up. I love it. Red Band's

disappointed in me for a change. Red Band's upset. I look over. I saw his head shaking. What the fuck? I love it. Red Band looked upset. I look over, I saw his head shaking. What the fuck? I love it. Red Band looked at Tony, he's like, Tony. Tony. Tony. All right.

Well, what do you like to do for fun? You have all these fucking rugrats running around your house. I know. I have time for fun. Yeah, I don't really a lot, but hiking. We love to hike here in Utah. Oh, you like the mountains? Yeah.

Wow, for someone whose chest is so flat, I find that surprising. Oh, I'm just kidding. That got a double head shake from Red Band. Tony. Tony. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, Jessica. You're stunning. You're stunning. Is your boyfriend out there? The boyfriend with four I'm kidding. I'm kidding, Jessica. You're stunning.

You're stunning. Is your boyfriend out there? The boyfriend with four kids? Yeah. Wow. Did he sign up tonight? Yeah. Wow, that's very exciting.

Well, maybe he'll get pulled out later, huh? Yeah, because he didn't pull out before. You're absolutely right. you're absolutely right but Jessica I'll tell you this is you know a lot of other people have so far tonight done a lot more sort of like one liners like bing bing boom I think you're

the first person to really connect with this audience tonight and sort of really your energy flowed through the room. And for seven months in Salt Lake city, I'm fucking amazed at what you were able to do. So congratulations. Great set.

There she goes. Jessica Rin, everybody. Rin underscore Jessica for that Twitter. Everyone's so like clean cut and nice out here. Everyone's so proper and well behaved. There's none of that weird... It's like the opposite of Vegas.

Yeah, that is true. All these people are healthy too. There's no herpes out here, is there? Vegas, we had I think three cancer survivors on this show. I'm serious. And they're all like 25, by the way. Everybody's smoking indoors and talking about how they've survived cancer.

I mean, it's literally fucking crazy. All right. Put your hands together for Ethan Labrenz. Ethan Labrenz is your next comedian. Live on Kill Tony. Here he is. Ethan Labrenz.

One more time for Ethan, everyone. So my name's Ethan Labrenz, but not everybody gets my last name correctly. I was at an open mic last night and the MC said, everybody welcome to the stage, Ethan LaRuns. And I was like, fucking incredible.

Everyone's gonna think my last name is the French word for diarrhea. I'm really into this new thing, it's called helium porn. Helium porn is like all the joy of watching white girl porn but they sound like Asians. But no, I don't, I'm not, I'm not really into porn. Like, I just can't get into porn.

They won't let me audition, my penis is too small. I'll leave you with one more joke. What is a millennial Hitler's favorite thing to smoke? Jewel pods. Thank you very much Ethan LeBrens. That's my time. Wow. I've never seen

anyone do the Tiger Woods fist pump after messing up. It's like that joke fell flat. Jule-da! You really were hoping I was gonna be the fucking banger here, huh?

You look like the very first comedian of the night if he let himself go. Look at you, you big fucking... That's pretty cute coming from Diet Daniel Tosh. There you go. You tried your best. Unfortunately, I get called crazier things by myself when I wake up in the morning.

Go ahead, Jeremiah. Yeah, he looks like Mormon James Corden. So, Ethan, let's talk about it. Stand-up, how long you been doing it? Four months. Four months. Wow, all here in Salt Lake? Yes, sir. So, like, where up. How long have you been doing it? Four months. Four months. Wow. All here in Salt Lake?

Yes, sir. So where do you go up in a city like this? So the Funkin' Dive in Ogden. And then sometimes Wise Guys if they let me on. You'll do Wise Guys like the open mic? Yes. How do those sets go for you? Good?

I've only done it once. They've changed it to where you have to email in advance to go up. And you don't have email. It's against your religion. No, but I did it the first time and it was alright. I thought it went well. How old are you?

I'm 21. What do you do for a job? I work for a recycling center. You work for a recycling center. Wow, what do you do? Eat the trash? No, I crush cans and sort metal. What are you crushing with your foot? Yeah.

Crush cans. Okay. How long have you been doing that for? Like three weeks. Three weeks? Yeah. What did you do before that? I was, so I'm working for a temp agency.

So before that I was with another metal company. Oh, okay. So. Hell yeah. Heavy metal? No, no. Sheet metal. Like sheet pizza metal?

Absolutely. I'm turning everything into a fat joke, if you can't tell. I got you. I got you. So Ethan, you're 21 years old. What'd you go to school for? You've been working at a temp agency for a while now. So, actually, I didn't

go to college. It's like, I got let go from my plumbing job, so I just didn't want to be unemployed. Wait a second. You didn't go to college, and you ended up crushing cans? That's wild. How do you get let go from a plumbing company? What type of, literally, like, how did they flush your career down the toilet?

I was just a laborer and it was wintertime, so they just let me go. And then they just never had you back? No. Were you bad at it? Yes, absolutely. Yeah? It's like the worst thing that ever happened. You ever flood a place or anything like that?

No, I only worked on like a school from the ground up. School from the ground up. Well, I guess if you're going to spend any time in a school, you might as well do the plumbing. You don't want to go to college, you still want to be in a school. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about right now.

Ethan, tell us something fun about you. You're 21, you're young. Tell us, we're all old men up here. Tell us how to be hip and cool like you. What are the 21-year-olds up to nowadays? Well, they're all in college, so I don't know. But I do like a lot of improv

comedy and musicals and plays, stuff like that. Oh, you do? do trying to fuck the last guy's girlfriend Wow Would you say that you look like someone from Provo They're not allowed to grow beards down there. So really how long have you had the beard for? Since like 2017. I just keep it short. 2017. Just keep it short.

Wow. These people are furiously angry that the fact that I called that a beard. A lot of proud facial hair owners here in Salt Lake City. Hell yeah. There you go. Very good. So, Ethan, tell us something else interesting about you. I, for a white guy, really only listen to rap.

Really? Do you do any rapping yourself? Yeah. Can you give us a little example of what that might sound like? All right. Yeah, yeah. Up here, standing on the stage. Open up the mic and I'm turning the page.

I'm telling stories because I'm a comedian. Listen to me because this is the motherfucking end. Oh. Instead of going like that, I wish you would have just sliced your own head off at the end. Absolutely. Then I would have drank his blood and got diabetes. Hey.

Hey. Are your parents happy for you getting into the stand-up? Do they know you started stand-up comedy? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, my mom knows. My dad's a pastor and lives down south, so I don't really... When you say down south,

what do you mean? He lives in Tennessee. Tennessee. Wouldn't we consider that more east than south? Well, if you're in Tennessee, you think it's the south. Hell yeah. Alright. Okay. I'm from the south too.

Canada. I don't know. Okay. I'm from the south, too. Canada. I don't know. All right. So, interesting. He's a real pastor? Has he been that your whole life? No. After him and my mom divorced, he became a pastor.

Why do you think that is? Why do you think he became a pastor after your mom got divorced? Just because. Did she cheat on him? No, he cheated on her, actually. Was it with a little boy? Why did he become a pastor? No, he was really involved with the Seventh-day Adventist church.

I don't know if you're familiar. It's really deep in you. This lady once clearly got dropped in the baptism chamber of a Seventh-day Adventist church. I don't even know what I'm talking about. the baptism chamber of a Seventh Day Adventist church. I don't even know what I'm talking about. A baptism chamber? The fuck am I talking about?

It's like a microwave. Yeah. So, who did your dad cheat on your mom with? I don't know. They won't tell me. Thank you, Sora!

Wow. Do you think it's perhaps a black woman? A black woman? Is he a pastor at an all-black church now? No. No. It's all white. Vladimir? When he preaches, does he wear Steve Harvey suits? He does.

Wow. There's one guy who chanted on that one Just super That's Reynolds debating on whether or not To kill himself Joel Berg This guy looks like a racist Matthew McConaughey

He does All white, all white, all white He does You look like you hike the mountains around here Just so that you can make a snow cone at the top What? Because there's snow on the top of the mountains He hikes just for the trail mix

There you go All right, Ethan Well, I mean, we got to meet you here Trail mix. Yeah. There you go. All right, Ethan. Well, I mean, we got to meet you here. You got to go up. You're four months into the game. You're 21. You have a huge jump start on most people that ever even start doing stand-up comedy.

So maybe you'll look back on this one day and have a good laugh about it. There he goes, Ethan LeBrens. You guys having fun out there? How many of you here in Salt Lake City like it when a comedian does good on stage? That's pretty good. How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this stage? Yeah. I had a feeling, I had a feeling. I had a feeling.

Salt Lake City's reputation is a bunch of bullshit. Who believes in Satan? Wow. Look at that. This is incredible. I just came a little bit. Pull the name out of the bucket. Let's keep it moving along.

Adolfo Valdez, everyone. Adolfo Valdez. Here we go. He's ready to go, this guy. One more time, good and loud for Adolfo Valdez. So how's everybody doing tonight?

Hope everybody's having a good time. So I'm a little sick today, so don't mind me sniffling. But when I get sick, I get it really bad. I get headaches, sore throat, everything. You name it, I get it. But I can't do all the symptoms except stuffy nose. Not because I can't breathe. Because what am I supposed to do this weekend? Eat the Coke?

So I met this new girl. Well, she isn't so new. I've known her for a while. And I took her out the other day and we were talking about sex positions she would try. And she was telling me I wouldn't try reverse cowgirl. I'm like, reverse cowgirl? Why not? And then she's like, like uh i wouldn't try reverse cowgirl i'm like reverse cowgirl why not and then she's like well i don't believe we should turn her back on family and i was like yo you're right

that's it for me. Adolfo Valdez. Hell yeah. Welcome to the show, my friend. How are you? Nervous. Wow, really? You did great up there.

How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my third time on stage. Third time ever on stage. Look at you. Up there crushing. Get up in that mic, man. You're really quiet. Just one.

That's one thing. That's one thing you got to get. I can't really put my fangs on it, but for some reason, I really love this guy. Yeah. No, he is. He's very likable. He's got one of those big likable smushy heads that everybody just loves very much, like a some type of Latino Andy Milonakis

type of vibe I'm getting from him. And you shake your head kind of like Stevie Wonder when you talk. You seem like the kind of young buck that would hang out with a guy like, I don't know, Lil Pump or something like that. You ever hang out with Lil Pump?

That's the music I listen to. Fuck yeah. There you go. There's the flashlight of what the fuck is happening. Checking in for Tom. Let's get everybody's attention for no reason, for nothing at all. You're such a freaky girl. I love this.

Adolfo, third time ever on stage. It's here. You're from Salt Lake City, born and raised? Born in Mexico, then came here. Wow, born in Mexico. That's why I love him. I couldn't tell. How did you end up here?

How does that happen? Long walk. Look at him. He definitely did not walk. This fucking guy. He's carried on one of those backpacks like the Indian state, you know, the little baby.

How'd you get here? So just for legal reasons, allegedly, I basically came on... You're not gonna get... You're not gonna get... You're not gonna get in trouble from anything that happens here. I promise you that. There's a little bit more salt in Salt Lake City now.

I basically got here using someone else's papers. Very good. Hell yeah. My goodness. They came here because they heard salt and they want to put it on the top of a Corona. So you got here using somebody's papers.

You came with your family? Actually, my dad came over first. Went back to Mexico, brought my mom. And then my mom was like, if you don't bring him, I'm going to go back to Mexico. So then they had to go back and get you. Yeah, they got to go back and get me. Yeah, I love it.

So there was a while where your dad tried to convince your mom, like, no, come on. We don't need to go back. Come on. We're already on the other side. Forget about Adolfo. He's good. He's got a likable smooshy head. He'll be fine.

He'll find his own way. It's like a game of thrones. Come on. He'll find his way. We have losers. We have losers. There you go. There you go. How does that feel, buddy? I'll just let the

crowd turn on you. I don't even have to say shit anymore. Jesus. You are wacky. That was me, yes. Yes, it was. You have the soundboard, buddy. Yep.

So, Adolfo, let's talk about it. How old were you when you made the big move? I was like five, I think. Five years old. And it was like via a car or you just had fake paperwork, so you sort of just went through the border? Through the airport. Through the airport? You flew.

You flew. Yeah. So you took a flight from where? From Mexico City to here. To Salt Lake City? Salt Lake. Oh, my God. That's unbelievable.

I fucking love it. Tony's dying to ask you, do you remember what kind of airplane it was? Yes. Yes. Espiritu. Very good. And Brian's dying to ask you, what are all your favorite places to eat in Salt Lake City?

But just ignore both of those questions and we'll stick with the comedy part of the show. So Adolfo, how old were you, five? Do you remember it? No, I only have like a few memories from Mexico, but then I recently went back and I came back again. Oh, when I got back, I almost got deported.

Yeah, I bet, because you're not a fucking resident, bro. Yeah. I'm taking all these notes down right now. I lied to you when you said you won't get in trouble here. I have ICE agents on their way. No, I'm kidding. Vampire Elvis.

Yeah, so do you have, like, a driver's license and stuff like that? Yeah. How do you get one of those without a social security card? Well, basically, like, I don't know if you guys heard about that one thing Trump was trying to take away, like DACA. I basically have that. Oh, okay. Hell yeah.

Once you get DACA, you don't have to go back. That's what we always say. That's very exciting, Adolfo. So, you have a J-O-B out here? You working? A job?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it? I work at a cabinet shop. A what? A cabinet. A cabinet? Yeah, a cabinet shop. Like you specialize in cabinets?

Yeah, for like kitchens, bathrooms. Yeah, okay. You're Mexican. That makes it official. How long have you worked in the cabinet business? Like two years. I've just been there. Yeah?

Very good. What do you like to do for fun? Put cabinets in cabinets. So I play video games. I smoke. You smoke weed? Yeah. You smoke fucking marijuana?

We got you on two charges so far. The charges are racking up against you. We got a marijuana-smoking illegal immigrant on this stage right now. I'm kidding. We love you. You've been doing stand-up a few months, you said, right? Basically started as a New Year's resolution. Because I just listened to your guys' podcast, like Bobby Lee's and all that.

Yeah, dude, you got to just keep doing it. You got to do a lot of spots and fucking rock and roll with it. Anything else about you crazy that might be a fun fact for us to find out about you? Anything else that we'd be interested to know? My dad used to own like three peacocks. Your dad used to own three peacocks? Yeah. Man, I love that.

Wow. What did he do with the peacocks? This fucking guy almost left you in Mexico, but he has three peacocks to take care of. That's how much he thinks of you. What did he do with the peacocks? I didn't know you could fuck peacocks. What did he do with the peacocks to take care of. That's how much he thinks of you. What did he do with the... I didn't know you could fuck peacocks. What did he do with the peacocks? Well, basically, we had three of them,

and then they would get out, so they ended up killing him and eating him. You'd kill him and eat him? Peacock's not good meat. That's not even... Man, I thought that chicken burrito tasted funky. Have you ever eaten peacock? I don't think I ate it, but we have the feathers that they had displayed.

Oh, shit, man. You guys have more peacock around your place than R. Kelly does. Oh. It's a peacock joke. Because he pees on people with his cock. Adolfo, you are fucking adorable. Nothing can stop you. Just keep doing the work.

Adolfo Valdez, Salt Lake City's very own. From Mexico City to Salt Lake City. Maybe not travel Mexico anymore. Yeah, don't go back, Adolfo. Don't go back to Mexico. Just stay here. Yeah, don't go back. Don't go back to Mexico. Just stay here. Yeah. Oh, Shawn Mendes in my blood.

Because you know I'm a vampire. One door closes, another one opens. Who's that? But of course Adolfo knows that he works in the cabinet business. Got another blank. I had to cut these up myself right before the show in a hurry.

Forgot to do it. Oh, no. Oh, wow. This one's just an Instagram handle. Anybody Kadia8? At Kadia8? Is that you? What's your name? What's your name?

Gabe? Dave? Put your hands together for Dave, everybody. Here he comes. One more time for Dave. So my name's Kade. That's close enough. I just turned 29, and I realized, looking back at the ages of like 20 to 30,

I really haven't done anything other than move out of my mom's basement. She lives in a single level now, so it's kind of ironic. But I was thinking, like, it's important to pay homage to the people who have, like, influenced your life. And I oftentimes think of a time when I had, like, mustard stains on my shirt and, like, memorized the Girls Gone Wild, the infomercial schedule. And I think back to my friend Tyrelli

comes up to me one day, and he's like, hey, man, how's the dating going? And I was like, I shrug to my friend Tyrelli comes up to me one day and he's like, hey, man, how's the dating going? And I was like, I shrugged my shoulders like, it's shitty, man. And he looks at me like, can I tell you something? I was like, sure. And he's like, nobody wants to fuck a fat dude. And that's all I got. All right. That's a minute there.

So what happened there? What exactly just happened? What were you trying to say there, Cade? Not sure. Really? Yeah. Your name is Cade, C-A-D-E? Yeah, C-A-D-E.

Short for arcade or what? I've actually got that before. So, Cade, you're 29 years old. Yeah. Well, sorry, mister. Okay. You seem very robotic. Is your mom Alexa?

Like, you're like... I wish. Good question. I wish. So, what do you do, Kate? You look like Tony Stark if he just got beat up. I was going to call him Robert Downsie Jr. You just did.

You just fucking did, my friend. I work at a place that makes Jeep parts. Jeep parts? Yeah. Parts for the car known as a Jeep. This is a very white city. Yeah. Indeed.

They make suspension parts if you want to make your Jeep really cool. Uh-huh. Teraflex, I don't know if you guys have heard of it. Oh, definitely. There's a lot of Teraflex fans here. That's your first time trying stand-up comedy? Yes.

Uh-huh. You're 29. What have you been doing for fun this whole time? What have you been doing? You're 29 years old. I like to hike a lot. I like to go fishing. Uh-huh.

Hunt birds. You like walks on the beach. Hunt birds. There's really no beach, but I would probably be into that for sure. Right. Yeah.

What's your favorite place to hike? And have you ever thought about jumping off the top? Yeah, sure. Yeah. What's your favorite place to hike? And have you ever thought about jumping off the top? Yeah, sure. Yeah. No, probably, I don't know, probably like Logan Canyon. It's like north of here.

All right. I really like it up there. Heck yeah. Yeah. What else other than hiking and the rest of your Tinder profile bio? How about when you were younger? Is there anything you used to do that you don't do anymore? Well, I used to, like in first grade, I used to sit on this rock and hold my poops in because it gave me like...

There you go. I'm going to hand you over to our senior going to hand you over now to our senior poop correspondent, Brian Redband. So you like to hold your poops in because it felt good? You like the harder turd? Brian also wants the exact coordinates of this poop rock that you speak of.

A magical rock that just by sitting on it, you can hold in your poop. It was a very nice rock. It was up in Richmond, Utah. It's like the border of Utah and Idaho. But I used to sit on it and I would get some of the best first grade thoughts ever.

It was like before I drank coffee. It was like a really cool thing. So it's like backwards anal, kind of. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Is Cade's origin story he got bit by a red band in the woods or something? Yeah. Have you ever gone back to the rock to see it or smell it or anything like that?

Yeah. I've been back to it. I haven't smelled it. Maybe I should do that. Oh. Okay. So you used to sit on the rock and hold in your poop. That's it.

I asked you what you've done your entire life. That just came to you. Your answer was there used to be a rock that I used to hold in my poop. You would be impressed by the rock, I think. Was the rock very long like a sub? Yeah. No, it had a few nice ridges, though. Oh, my goodness.

Was this the wrestler, the rock, that you used to sit on? He used to hold your poops in for you? You know, he wasn't that big back then. Yeah. Okay, do you seem like a... There you go. Right by him. There you go.

You seem like a strong guy, right? You work out? Every now and then, yeah. Yeah? What do you do? What do you do for exercise other than hiking? Because your arms seem... This might be another case of small shirt, big arms, though.

I'm not exactly sure. I don't usually like to take this to everyone who makes fun of me, but I like to CrossFit. Oh, there you go. All right. Can you perhaps give us maybe a little example of why? Why not, Cade? Is there a reason why you won't show this audience any of your CrossFit moves?

Well, because honestly, it's like you only do it so you can talk about it, so. But you can't do anything? Can you at least do like a few push-ups or something? Maybe a few push-ups. I think this crowd wants it, man. Here, we can do it. Wow. Wow. Wow.

I think we finally found the most interesting thing about Cade. There we go. He can do push-ups. You ever done push-ups on a rock while holding in a poop? Hey, good question, Brian. That could be a new high. That's true. Or a new low.

Whatever. Have you ever done sit-ups before? question, Brian. That could be a new high. That's true. Or a new low. Have you ever done sit-ups before? No. Just sit-downs on rocks. I just kind of want to see this guy work out while Redman plays that really high-tempo

music for no reason. I think we're good. Let's keep it moving along. There goes Cade, ladies and gentlemen. Cade. 29-year-old Cade. First time ever on this stage. Son of Alexa and Elon Musk.

Vladimir, how you doing over there? Good. There you go. How are you, Tony? I'm good. Just listening to the band. Wow, I kind of sell me. I'm holding in my poop right now.

That guy had a point. Pulled another name. Put your hands together for Matt Evans, everybody. Matt Evans. Another human being. the name. Put your hands together for Matt Evans, everybody. Matt Evans. Another human being. Selected by the Salt Lake City Bucket of Destiny.

Is that Matt Evans? Are you Matt Evans coming out of this? Here he comes. From the very back row. Here he comes, everybody. He's walking towards the stage. He's going to the stairway this is very exciting come on one more time for matt evans all right i'm going to pretend the heart attack i'm having right now is due to the nervousness not the quarter pounder I just wolfed down.

And unlike the last guy, here's your final chance to look at a real fat guy instead of a guy who does CrossFit. I too signed up for a CrossFit gym about three years ago. Eventually I will show up. But I have not yet. That's the longest 60 seconds of my life and three seconds of comedy did not last as long as I thought it would.

I got might as well lay it on me. I got nothing left. Matt, you have so much time left. Is there a joke that you forgot or are you like blanking out right now? I had a couple jokes prepared, but... Talk into the microphone, Matt.

Hey, shut the fuck up out there. You say one more fucking word, you're getting kicked out. Piece of shit. I'll take my four seconds back. To be fair, I've been holding in my shit since 2006, and as you can see, the result is... Wow, you took the fucking heckler's bait and you ate it up, didn't you? You just took it and ate it.

You let him decide your destiny. So Matt, let's talk about it. You went 27 seconds there. You had everybody. You made fun of yourself. It was great. You did self-deprecation. I've never even heard that version of not going to the gym joke before.

And then you fucking just said, wow, that was 60 seconds. But it wasn't. Your first 10 seconds was just talking about walking down the stairs. So you had 10 seconds of material. Well, he had a joke there. You were done at 27. What went wrong, Matt? That's not the first time I've been done at 20 seconds either.

No, I know. There you go. You're very good at making fun of yourself. That's why I'm wondering why that wasn't part of your set. Like when you timed it out, when you thought like,

oh, I'm going to sign up for the show, like and you just had that or was there something that you forgot? There was a lot that I forgot the second I got it. Is it coming back to you at all?

Not quite. Did you write it down anywhere? Did not. You just decided to fucking memorize it for your first time? This is your first time on stage, right? First time. And you didn't write it down anywhere. You didn't even write it down.

Not on a notebook, not on your phone, nowhere. There's no one else that can even help you. You can't even phone a friend to be like, hey, look at the notebook on my desk, mom. Tell's no one else that can even help you. You can't even phone a friend to be like, hey, look at the notebook on my desk, Mom. Tell me what the fuck that says. Nothing. Nothing. Okay.

Well, this is your first time, right? And you are how old? I am 26. 26 years old. That's great. And what do you do for a living? I work for a solar company. A solar company.

Oh, I hate that company. Ah. I work for a solar company. A solar company. Oh, I hate that company. I'm surprised you work in solar. You seem like you have gas for sure. How long have you worked in solar? Going on three years. Three years. Wow.

And you're getting a lot of work? Are things going good with that? So far, nationwide, yeah, we're doing fine. Nationwide is on your side. Really kicking me in the ass. You have a girlfriend, a wife? What are we talking about here? I am married. You are married. How long have you been married for? Going on five years. Five years. What does the wife do?

She's a dental assistant. Ooh, I know a little 21-year-old that might be fucking your wife one day. Dental assistant. Heck yeah. I could see why she liked you. Watching you do stand-up up here was like pulling teeth.

You can't... You can't spell root canal without anal. All right. What? You can't spell root canal without anal. All right. What? You can't. Try it. I know.

It's true. You can only get root-ca. That's what I mean. Root-ca. Okay. So what else about you then, Matt? Tell us more things about you. I'm a very uninteresting person.

I don't do a whole lot. So you go on stage, and you didn't have anything really to say. You're not that interesting, and you don't really want to talk to us. What was the whole point of signing up? Is this something that you want to do? Do you want to be a comedian, or do you just like standing? I'm a big fan of standing, and this was just bitch to me to me sounded like fun. We thought we'd give it a try. Who's we?

I'm here with my brothers tonight. With your brothers? How many brothers? There are black people in Utah. Okay. How many brothers did you come with? I got two. Did all three of you sign up? Sure did. Are you the least interesting out of the three of with? I got two. And did all three of you sign up? Sure did. Are you the least interesting out of the three of you?

I hope not. Wow. Well, that's not a fucking good answer at all. I'm excited about this bucket. They were probably the blank names. My God. Yeah. All right.

Well, I mean, Matt, I don't know what the fuck to say to you, dude. Have you ever listened to the show before? I have not. So how did you end up? It's okay. Guys, it's okay. Relax, you fucking animals. So one of your brothers brought you here and signed you up?

No, I signed up. So why would you sign up for a show that you don't know what the fuck is going on? I knew what the issues was. I just was not expecting it. What the issues? You think this is a magazine? Wait. So you've never seen the show before, and you prepared that when you were in the audience?

On the drive down. Drive down from where? How far was the drive? From Harriman, about 30, 40 minutes. 30, 40 minutes. You did 30, 40 minutes of writing in your head because you didn't write shit down. Do you have a smartphone?

Yes, I do. All right. Okay. Well, this is very exciting. This is what a suburban Salt Lake City person is like. This is what people are like 40 minutes away. I didn't know what was going to happen. I thought that I was going to come up here and just Jesus was going to be my co-pilot.

You know what I mean? I thought Jesus was going to write and perform for me. I prayed before this. I prayed. I don't know where he was. I'm always surprised when he's never there. Ever, ever, ever, ever. Because he's a totally made up imaginary person

that never existed. There goes Matt Evans, everybody. There goes Matt. I feel like the only two people that really enjoyed that set were his brothers. It's probably in the audience dying of laughter. All right, let's do something fun. Let's take a break from the bucket for a second. We actually have a special treat for you guys.

It's not what you think. Stop. It's not what you think. Stop. It's not what you think. William Montgomery is stuck in a self-storage unit right now in Los Angeles, California. I know. He's got diverticulitis. Yes, indeed. He's in there with his good friend, Tony Chin.

However, you guys do have something special coming your way. There was a young man that was on one of the episodes back on our home field. You know it as the Comedy Store in Los Angeles. Just a couple weeks ago that really shook up the Kill Tony universe. There was a guy that came on the show that we sort of just, in a weird way, fell in love with, kind of. He has all black eyeballs, ladies and gentlemen. And he's from Texas.

He's a very interesting guy, and he's here for his second ever time on Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Dexter Saint. Jock. Salt Lake City. Finally somewhere where I fit in. And I know what you're all thinking. When did the puppet

from Saw become a real boy? Like, good for him, right? I wonder what's next. The last time I was on this show, I touched on an experience that left me with a taste for bad bitches. Yeah.

And although this is unconventional for a Kill Tony appearance, I want to give a romantic shout-out to a bad bitch who recently caught my eye. So to the cute punk chick with the face tattoo who was arrested on cops, season 31, episode 14, I just want to say what's good girl why don't you slide on into my DMs and I'll put some ends on your commissary

once you are released from your incarceration I would like to take you on a romantic night out now you don't strike me as a wine and candles kind of girl more like a flaming hot cheetos and Four Locos type bitch Hit me up Wow, alright, there you go

A new minute and some change from Dexter St. Jock Now Dexter, let's get this correct This is your second ever time on this show, right? Second time on stage Second time ever on a stage performing anything ever. There you go. And I can tell you right now, it went better than, right? The set-wise, you feel like it went better, right?

More laughs per minute, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Vampire Elvis. Can I just speak on behalf of Vladimir and myself? I think that Master did a great job tonight. Yeah.

Now, just so that everybody understands the degree of interest that we have in Dexter, he literally tattooed his eyeballs black. Now, that is not removable dye. This is permanent. Dexter, how long have you had black eyeballs for? Two years. Two years. There you go. Canxter, how long have you had black eyeballs for? Two years. Two years. There you go. Can you guys see that from there? Can you see that in the back? So two years and

you did that. Can you do it again real quick? You did that in Texas? Oh, okay. You did that in Texas? I went to Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh. They do that there? Is that like a special thing very popular in Pittsburgh

yes and so how did life change after you dyed your eyeballs black more black women hit on me than before really wow my goodness well because now you're part black like what where have you been hit on by a black woman Goodness. Well, because now you're part black.

Like, where have you been hit on by a black woman? I'm interested to find out, like, where you were roaming around and someone was like, oh, hell no, you come over here, baby boy. You get your creepy ass. This is my Laquisha impression. Well, I live in Galveston, but it seems like every time I try and buy food at an airport... Uh-huh. Yeah.

What's to say his flight gets delayed? Wow. So, Dexter, are you a religious guy? No, no. No. And your parents, do they know about your black eyeballs?

The remaining ones, yes. Say that again? Yes. Yes, they do. He said the remaining ones. It's hard to tell dead guys, right? Or dead people. It's hard to tell them about your eyeballs.

Yeah. Yeah. So my dad knows. Right. But your mom doesn't. Okay. So you're so confused what's happening here. It's good. It's good to be confused. So

both, I don't understand what the fuck you're saying. Both of your parents know or they don't know? My mom has passed away. Oh, how'd she die? How long ago? She died from lupus. Lupus. Nine years ago.

Nine years ago. Huh. All right. Now I get it. If my mom died nine years ago, I might have black eyes too. Yeah, fuck it. Died from lupus. Damn werewolves.

Hate those guys. So lupus. And what did your dad say when you told him that you got black eyeballs? It's expected with me. Really? Yeah. What else have you done since you were a child to set the expectations of black eyeballs? Are there other things?

You ever get wings implanted onto your back or anything like that? You ever sit on rocks and hold in your poop? Only once. You ever hang by your skin on hooks or anything like that? No. What else? You said that they expected it of you. Can you give us another example of why they might expect that of you?

Were you sort of like a bad student in school growing up? Not really. I didn't really go to school. Why would he say that? You didn't go to school? What? No. When did you drop out?

The second I turned 17. The second? Yeah. Like, were you sitting there with a watch? Yeah. The second you turned 17, which would have been at midnight. That's a hard time to drop out of school, exactly. The clock struck 12.

My life decided I was going to change that night. I went to the local tattoo artist in Pittsburgh. Yeah, what made you go to Pittsburgh for it? Faith in that artist. Faith in that artist. You found him online? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And my goodness. What Tony's trying to say is, what were the events leading up to the black eyes? Because you're acting really normal and it's freaking everybody out. Yeah, it's true. You're acting like you don't have black eyes. Well, I saw people doing it online

about 12 years ago. And I was like, I better wait 10 years and see how it works out for everyone. And then, yeah, I went for it. You're an interesting guy, Dexter. Is there anything that might surprise us about you? You have such a cool style, all black and red. You have the Death Squad pin. You have long black hair, a full black beard, black fucking eyeballs.

Is there anything that might surprise us about you? Like you love vanilla cupcakes or something like that? I'm a family entertainer. Wow. What does that mean, a family entertainer? I do demonstrations for like grandma when she gets off

the cruise ship. Not my grandma, brother. What do you mean you do demonstrations for grandma when she gets off the cruise ship? I'm a full-time glassblower, self-employed. Uh-huh. So I do demonstrations right there in Galveston where the cruise ships come in. So grandma gets off the cruise ship. I'm wearing sunglasses. She can't tell I'm a demon.

Ah, sunglasses. Like the googly eye ones with the springs. And with the balls for the eyeballs to pop out. We work a lot of family friendly events. So you are a full-time

glass brawler and part-time fire breather? No, I do a blindfolded fire poi show where I spin fire poi blindfolded. Oh, my God. Man, I wish you would have brought some of that shit with you tonight. I'd watch you spin fire. If he likes anime,

then I just got weird guy bingo. No. I'd watch you spit in fire. If he likes anime, then I just got weird guy bingo. Oh, no. People often assume that I do, but I don't. I'm a patriot when it comes to animation. New York style 1930s shit. I fucking love it. Oh, God. I have no idea what just happened there. I like Betty Boop. You like Betty Boop?

There you go. There's a little something for your weird guy bingo card. What we're finding out is the audience has trouble laughing when they're terrified. Do you have any tattoos? Yes. What are some of your tattoos? Anything weird? Do you have like your butthole tattooed white

or something like that? No. I have an arm full of Camille Rose Garcia characters. I have the skeleton of Betty Boop over here. Wow. I got to check in with Vladimir Bushcock. Seems like he has something he wants to say. Red man goes, do you have any tattoos anything weird

His freaking eyes Vladimir I have a pink skull tattoo I guess we learned that when you turn 465 Your mustache falls off out of nowhere Alright well Dexter St. Jock. Dexter, by the way, Dexter flew in here on his

own dime and stayed in Salt Lake City for the first time ever tonight just to come here, just to be part of the show. And there's something that you want to plug. Go ahead, Dexter. Yes. Everybody tune in to the Real Ass Podcast, May 27th. Yes, there you go. One more time for Dexter St. J ahead, Dexter. Yes. Everybody, tune in to the Real Ass Podcast May 27th. Yes, there you go. One more time

for Dexter St. Jock, everybody. Real Ass Podcast. Louis J. Gomez. Our friend, good friend Louis J. Gomez. We're gonna be hanging out with him at the end of June in New York City. What do you guys think? Back to the bucket we go, huh? Should we fucking do it?

Should we find out who the fucking real killer here is in Salt Lake City? I thought he was going to say he had a Japanese tattoo that roughly translates to... All right. Let's get back to someone that doesn't have black eyeballs. I guarantee you that. Put your hands together for Brian Higgins, everyone. Everybody. Everybody.

I wish you would step back from. Here he is one more time for Brian Higgins. So a lot of people are vaping nowadays. I don't really like vaping that much. You know, say what you will about smoking, at least it's kind of badass. You know, like if your dad walks out on your family from now on, you're not going to sound cool talking about it. You know, it's like, oh, my old man. He left us when we were just five.

He went out to get coconut marigold vape oil and he never came back. That son of a bitch. Well, I remember Pops, he came home in one of his moods and he took that e-cig and gently turned it off on my face. I still have the mild rash to prove it. This is my impression of an old prospector

commentating a soccer match. It's kind of weird. Here, goal! Wow, there you go. Goal! Wow. There you go. That's how it's done right there. Brian Higgins, you've been doing this a couple years. Am I correct?

Like four and a half. Four and a half years. Very fucking good. It shows. That's by far the crystal clear performance of the night right there. Four and a half years all here in Salt Lake City? No, Connecticut, Boston, and then here. Wow.

What part of Connecticut? Cheshire, Connecticut. How did you fucking start in Connecticut? I did improv in college, and there was just like college open mics. Good for you, dude. You fucking. So how do you go from Boston to, it seems like the common

course would either be New York or Los Angeles. How do you end up in Salt Lake City? Well, I was kind of like super depressed in Boston and didn't do it that much. Right. Yeah. Well, it's Boston. Yeah, Boston sucks. Super depressed because high school

sweetheart cheated on you. Nope. I know, you don't have to talk about it. With a black basketball player, right? Yeah, it was Kyrie Irving. Yeah. But no, I moved back home. You were just chemical depression?

Regular old? No, just like I graduated college and then just had a shitty retail job and then did like two open mics and did real bad and then i was like well fuck yeah let's get the fuck out of here yeah and you clearly you threw a dart on a map of america and you're like salt lake city it is yeah i was like what's wider than connect Yeah. You found it. What was the main reasons, though, you know? I moved out here to ski. You love skiing.

I do, yeah. Oh, yeah. Wow. That's cool. That's incredible. You do it a lot? Yeah. How long have you been here?

Since last November. Last November. So 2017. Right. And you have your own little place and everything? Yeah. I moved out here with a buddy from high school. Very cool.

And what do you do for work now? You're not in the same retail job you were in Boston. No, I'm a copywriter. Copywriter. Yeah. So people come to you sort of like with ideas and whatnot, and you? No, I work for an outdoor retailer site so I just describe products interesting all right so you describe products for a living yes okay could you uh tell me about

that water bottle over there yeah how would you describe that um it's not very breathable. Man, you must be one of the best goddamn copywriters I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. Very funny set tonight. You get spots over at Wise Guys? Sometimes. Has Keith ever seen you before? Yeah.

Keith there, right? Yeah, Keith. He's a fucking awesome dude. Yeah, he really is. He's amazing. It's a there, right? Yeah, Keith. He's a fucking awesome dude. Yeah, he really is. He's amazing. It's a great place. One of the best comedy clubs in the country. I go there at least once a year.

Tony, I heard there was just a dark room. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, it is. Yeah, it's a real hunk of shit. They've only got one light. Just put all the lights on there. We heard the complaints about the comedy store. I love it. So, Brian, you's a real hunk of shit. They've only got one light. Just put all the lights on there. We heard the complaints about the comedy store.

I love it. So, Brian, you have a girlfriend? No. When's the last date you went on? What was that? I went just to a brewery. Uh-huh. Yeah.

How'd that go for you? It was good. Yeah? I ordered aioli sauce with my fries and I accidentally said areoli sauce. Whoa. Hell yeah. A little fucking Freudian slip there,

huh? Aioli sauce. Areoli. Did she have big nips? Is that why? Did she have brown ones? You wanted to see those fucking nip nips, dude? Tony. You wanted to see those fucking... Puffy babies. You wanted to see those fucking nip nips, dude? Tony. You wanted to see those fucking... Puffy babies.

You wanted to see those fucking Salt Lake titties? You know what I mean? Those fucking... That's what I said. I said, sorry, I'm trying to see those Salt Lake titties. Hey, you know what? Roll that beautiful bean footage. Exactly.

You wanted to see those old snow-capped mountains, huh? Last time I went on a date, the girl wanted to go out for steaks, and I was like, no, thank you. So you said Arioli. Did she notice? Did you guys have a laugh about that, or did it sort of make it awkward?

We had a laugh about it. Okay, well, that's good. How did the date end? You took her back to your place and fucking showed her the old fucking ski pole down there? No, we went

to her place. Whoa, went to her place. But it was a while ago. Yeah, no, I know. Copy that. Why did I say that? So what did you do when you went back to her place? What happened there? The sex stuff When it happens with you

Hold on, let's check in with Vampire Elvis Yeah, this guy does product description And you call it the sex stuff? Come on man, we need details brother So how did it start? You guys are sitting on a couch. You're watching fucking old episodes of House of Cards, laughing about how Kevin Spacey ruined his life. And then what happens?

Tell us about it. Come on. Literally describe after the brewery. How many drinks do you think you had? First of all, let's start there. Two and a half. Sir, there's a.05 legal limit here in Salt Lake City.

How dare you? And you know what? I'm going to cancel. I was going to call the cops on the fucking marijuana Mexican, but you know what? Now I got you on drunk driving. Two and a half. You couldn't finish that third one? It was just too much for you? There were like big ones

and we split two of them. Ooh, splitting beers on the first date. Look at you. Fuck yeah. Poor man's poor man. So you go back to, it's her idea? Hey, you want to come back to my place? Yeah, it was kind of mutual.

Yeah, well, that's how it went. Okay, so then you're at her place. What are you guys doing? She had to pack for a trip, and then she packed for the trip. Oh, yeah. You packed her fucking baggies, dude. You fucking threw a goddamn tube sock in there, bro. You went from splitting beers to fucking splitting rears.

Those legs, man. Did you come fast? Oh, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. How fast are we talking about? How long until you heard the sound of a kitty? I guess like this.

45 seconds about. Yeah. Wow. Did you wear a condom with her? No. You definitely didn't. Wow. You definitely didn't.

You ain't none but a hound dog. It's a raw dog. And you pulled out, and where'd you finish at? I don't remember. Oh, come on. I don't believe that for a fucking second. It was that two and a half beers. Yeah.

I don't believe that for a fucking second, Brian. Anyone who says they can't remember where they came, that means you came somewhere weird, like on the television screen or something like that. Because I can't tell. Her feet. Coming inside of you. You think there's a chance you came inside of her?

No. You could be one of the newest baby makers here in Salt Lake City. I was trying to fit in. Yeah. Well, Brian, I fucking I like you, man. You had a great goddamn set here tonight.

Really, really fun. Thanks, man. Great job. There he goes, Brian Higgins. Yeah. Good job. There he goes, Brian Higgins. Thank you. It's chaos here.

What do you guys think? Should we go one more time? We could end it. Look, it's always good to end an episode on a high note. Brian was the comedian of the night. You guys sure you want to go back one more time? All right. Came all this way.

We might as well give the people sort of what they want, right? Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Kevin Dottie. Kevin Dottie. Wow. The crowd goes crazy. name of Kevin Dottie. Kevin Dottie. Wow. Crowd goes crazy.

Here comes Kevin. Hell yeah. One more time for your final comedian of the night, Kevin Dottie, everybody. All right, I got to tell you guys real quick why computers are going to take over the world. I got my own theory about this. Now, first, you got to put yourself into the shoes of your everyday laptop and think about how they would look at us.

Probably the same way that I look at a hairless cat. Fucking gross. The skin and stuff. Fucking gross. The skin and stuff. And then imagine that same hairless cat sat in front of you and started jerking off. Not everybody jerks off responsibly.

People come on computers. Not all those computers survive. That's biological warfare. And the computers of the future are going to look back to the computers of the past, and they're going to look at those laptops of today like they're great ancestors. And all I'm saying is, how would you feel

if someone came on your grandma? Very good. Thank you. My goodness. Kevin Dottie. It's fucking incredible. You work this crowd to a frenzy. Look at you. You been doing this a little while? A year and a half. A year and a half. Hell frenzy Look at you You been doing this a little while?

A year and a half Hell yeah Look at you Very good set You fucking did it I didn't really get it I didn't understand a word you said But Salt Lake City lost their fucking mind

They absolutely loved it Coming on computers Maybe I guess, maybe I was just like on the wrong, maybe being back here, like maybe I was just like, it just wasn't hitting me. But I mean, I love it. Anybody who gets a reaction got a fucking reaction. That's what it's all about. You got fucking good hard laughs

up here. This is great. You look like the entire cast of Forrest Gump mushed together. Mostly Lieutenant Dan, like. Mostly Lieutenant Dan. Like 80% Lieutenant Dan. Operational legs. No wheelchair necessary. But you were on a roll with your jokes here

tonight. Kevin, tell us more about you. What should we know about you? You were going to be a pro wrestler and then you hurt your ACL. I was in the Navy for a while. Got out about three years ago. You were in the Navy, an American hero, ladies and gentlemen. Put your hands together for him.

What did you do in the Navy? I was a bosun's mate. So we did basic ship stuff. Post mate? What? What'd you say? A bosun's mate. Oh, okay.

It's the name of the job in the Navy. Drive ships, throw ropes to moor up to piers. Real exciting stuff. Yes, the old famous sailing noise of a... So you were in the Navy. I was in the Navy. So you're even more like Lieutenant Dan that I thought originally. That's true.

Never got your legs blown off, though. No, I didn't really. But you did go overseas? I did, yeah. It's like we do squares off the coast of places that people are doing more than I did. Where have you been? Like off the coast of the Middle East. Yeah.

My goodness. Well, at least you're out there on the water, right? Is the water better than being in the middle of the desert? Yeah, no, it's nice. You get to stand outside a lot and watch planes take off. I was on an aircraft carrier. Very cool. That sounds awesome. How long were you in the Navy? Eight years.

Wow, that's a lot. What do you do? Hell yeah. I have a question. How do you deal with sexual frustration when you're in the Navy? Very good question. That is a good question. There's a lot of women on aircraft carriers, and believe it or not, I was honorably discharged.

I like that. Yeah, I like this guy. So you literally get laid. Would you have to sneak it back then? Yeah, it's kind of weird. You got the racks or racks of the beds or whatever. Yeah, they got racks on racks on racks. It works for me.

I can have a small deck, so I don't need a long push. Wow, look at that. So I can do it in the middle rack, bottom rack, top racks on racks on racks. So you kind of got, it works for me. I can like a small deck, so I don't need like a long push. Wow, look at that. So I can do it in the middle rack, bottom rack, top racks for the big guys. Give her that down periscope. My goodness. So, sure, I guess so. So you would, was it basically the same girl or were you sort of a player?

Would you go around? No, I only got laid once. In eight years? It was five years on a ship. On the ship once. I don't get laid a lot. So what do you do now now that you've been out of the Navy for a couple few years?

Do a lot of traveling, do a lot of climbing and stuff. I work part time. I was like a rock climbing guide in the summer and just milking that GI Bill. Wow, really? You ever climb a rock and someone on top is holding in shit? No, but I have shit on a rock.

You have? You pooped your pants accidentally? I don't hold. I shit. Wow. When you were climbing? I shit. Huh?

When you were climbing? Yeah, sometimes you do long climbs and you gotta just shit. Yeah, you. I shit. When you were climbing? When you were climbing? Yeah, sometimes you do long climbs and you gotta just shit. Yeah, you gotta just shit and you might as well go in your pants. You didn't pull your pants down a little bit and just drop it over the mountaintop? No, that's what you do. Oh, you did do that. You just wipe it on rocks. Or wipe it on a rock.

Depending on where you are. The person climbing beneath you is like, what the fuck? Yeah. Man. So you work, that's what you do for a living. You help people climb mountains and shit. Yeah, milk the GI Bill. You ever have a serious accident on your watch?

No, no. Really? There was a little pause there. No, no, no. Real simple stuff. Real safe. Is it really? Yeah, what I do, it's basic stuff.

Nothing impressive. That's interesting. That's fucking it. What else? What do you do for fun? I mean, you already climb rocks for work. Well, for fun, I do drink a lot here in Salt Lake. Yeah?

This is a big drinking town, is it? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is. Bars close at 2? It's very controversial. They make you guys have... The bars stop serving at 1, right? And they have beer that has less alcohol in it, right?

Oh, wow. Party animals. And they just lowered, on top of all that, on top of having... Like, every beer company has to make beer special for Salt Lake City, correct? I don't know. I just moved here. Is that true?

You know, when you all talk at once, I can understand all of you. But yeah, they make special beers. Basically, Budweiser has a special Salt Lake City brew that has, like, what, half the alcohol? This girl's raising her hand. Sure. What?

Has to be 3.2. Wow. Oh, that's interesting. But the liquor's still the same, right? Take shots in Utah. Hell yeah. Oh, so liquor's liquor, but beer's just lower. That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life.

Yeah, no, the whole thing. Everything here is backwards. You go to Johnny's on second, a beer and a shot for $4. And on top of all that, they controversially lowered the legal drinking limit, drinking and driving, to.05, which is basically one normal drink.

Or a six-pack of your beer. Yeah. Wow. Kevin, what's your love life like? Not good. But I did fuck a fat chick last weekend. You fucked a fat chick? So, Kevin, what's your love life like? Not good. Really? But I did fuck a fat chick last weekend.

You fucked a fat chick? Hey! Hell yeah. Hell yeah. You really are a heavy drinker. How'd you end up with this fat chick? You were getting drunk? Getting drunk and doing cocaine.

Oh, yeah. Doing cocaine. Hell yeah. Is the cocaine the same strength? Somebody say cocaine. No, it's shit out here. No, it is? No, they have special cocaine that's brought in from little Mexican immigrant boys that

fly here directly from Mexico City. They smuggle it in inside of peacocks. So you fucked a fat chick. That's pretty... It feels great, doesn't it? Pussy is pussy. Yeah. Pussy is pussy, I guess.

I always, I have a saying like that too. Skinny pussy is better than fat pussy. I don't know, man. That is true. Fat pussy is pretty awesome. It feels like there's more boobs and stuff. Like it's just, oh God. I didn't like, I wouldn't want to do it again.

And I think I'm actually going to take a break from drinking after last weekend. Isn't it amazing what fat chicks can do for people's health? I needed it. I needed the help. So, okay. So let's talk about this hookup. So you're at a bar. Did you already know her?

Is this like an old friend of yours? Yeah, I ran into her. I do open mics. I know you didn't meet her climbing rocks. No, I absolutely not. No. I do an open mic. I know you didn't meet her climbing rocks. No, I... Absolutely not. No, I host an open mic here and she works at that bar, so I've seen her over

and over for a while. Uh-huh. And then you guys got drunk together. You were doing some cocaine, right? She didn't do the cocaine. I didn't do the cocaine. She was drunk. Right, right. She was gonna fuck you regardless. She didn't need to do cocaine. Exactly. She's been trying to fuck me for a while. And I just had the right enough in me.

So were you at her place or was she at your place? She came to my place. Right. She's at your place. You guys are drinking, right? And then what happens? And we played a game of pool. I have a pool table at my house.

Hell yeah. And she was like, what's the wage on this game? And I was like, a fucking blowjob. Wow. I love that. And then you beat the shit out of her in pool, right? Absolutely. And then you pulled your balls out of your pockets and...

Correct. And did she just blow you? She blew me. It started as a blowjob, and then you're like, you know what, take your fucking... No, we did a blowjob, played another game or two, and then I fucked her. Woo! Wow. Look at you.

You had time to recharge and come again. Yeah. I'm a superhero. Good idea, man. Damn. That would have been so... What would have happened if she would have won the game of pool? Oh, good.

I would have had to go down on her. Whoa. Then all of a sudden, all of a sudden the game starts and just Rocky's music hits. Just his pure, pure focus. I can't lose this fucking game. Just see all your coaches from the past,

all your naval sergeants like, don't you fucking give up on me, Kevin. I will not let you drop down and eat this bitch's pussy. Eight years in the Middle East, you're going to have traumatic flashbacks. After all that you've seen eight years in the Middle East, I will not let you eat this chick's pussy, Kevin.

Save yourself, boy. Make that eight ball. Put that one guy's eyeballs into the pocket. So you beat her in every game of pool. And then you fucked her. Yep. Now, did she sleep over your place? Fat chicks are hard to get out.

We all know that in more ways than one. No, they're not. You just roll them. She stayed. We woke up the next morning and started day drinking. She woke up the next morning and you guys started day drinking? And then what happened? Fucked her again.

Whoa! Damn. Yeah. Of course she went back for seconds. My God. Fuck yeah, dude. Well, you know what? We had a lot of fun with you here tonight.

I hope you get to fuck a fat chick again tonight. I hope not. Thank you, Tony. How about one more time for Kevin Dottie, ladies and gentlemen? And that's it. Anybody who wants a signed poster or pictures or whatever, a handshake or

whatever you want, meet us in the front lobby in just a couple minutes. This has been the first ever Salt Lake City Kill Tony Live. We did it. Look at that. That's a goddamn standing ovation right there. That Tony Live. We did it. Look at that. That's a goddamn standing ovation right there. That's respect.

That's love. And that is how you get us to come back. How about one more time for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, Vampire Elvis. He's on social media at Jeremiah Stand Up. He's got Jeremiah Wonders. Reagan and Watkins, the new album coming out June 7th. You can pre-order it now. I pretty much just said everything.

Is there anything else you want to say? Subscribe to my YouTube channel, youtube.com slash Jeremiah Wonders. There you go, YouTube channel. Everybody's got one. How about one more time for Joel Berg? Joel Jimenez. Joel Berg's on social media at Mostly Sorry. I'll bet you anything he's going to be at that Reagan and Watkins pre-release party on June 6th at the Comedy Store album comes out June 7th.

He's Mostly Sorry on social media. Anything else, Joel? Thanks for coming out. We love you guys. This was Joel's first time ever in Salt Lake City. I love Salt Lake City. I come back at least once a year, every time to headline the amazing Wise Guys Comedy Club.

I recognize a lot of your beautiful faces out in the audience. And the tour continues. You know what it is, all of you around the country. So make the drive. Get tickets. We'll see you out there on the road. Brian Redband. Hey, I'm going to have some Death Squad pins with the poster and everything out there in the lobby.

That's true. And I have Tony Hinchcliffe pins. I forgot to say. Pins with my face on them, everybody. Who doesn't want one of those for $10? You can't beat that. Jeremiah. And there's posters, T-shirts, and stickers and stuff. So come

get some, guys. We'll be out there in a bit. How about one more time for Brian Redband, everybody? Thanks, guys. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night.ご視聴ありがとうございました固まってたまに魂