KILL TONY - KILL TONY #350 - SPOKANE

Episode Date: May 22, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 05/17/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. We are back in Los Angeles, so go to deathsquad.tv and click on Tour Dates if you want to see us live at

the Comedy Store every Monday at 8pm, but we're also about to go back on tour starting on June 7th. We'll be in Lawrence, Kansas. Then we're going to be in Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, New York,

and finishing at Skankfest in Brooklyn. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Don't forget ShopSquad.tv. That's tour dates. Don't forget ShopSquad.TV. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. There's a couple Kill Tony shirts left, I think, and Death Squad hats and T-shirts and mugs. Go to ShopSquad.TV.

Everything Golden Pony is TonyHinchcliffe.com. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for all his other dates that he does and everything Golden Pony. And last but not least, RyanJEBelt.com. That's the house artist. There you can buy all the posters and stuff. So go to RyanJEBelt.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Spokane, Washington at the Spokane Comedy Club for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get up for Tony Hitchcliff. Spokane, Washington, we have arrived. Brian, Red Band's here, everybody. What is up, everyone? You guys excited? You're at the number one live fucking podcast in the world. It even stops through Spokane. That's how big of a fucking tour this is.

This is a micro-Kill Tony episode. We're on a very small stage. Very tiny stage. Everybody's going to be very tight up here. If you're wondering how much I like it, not at all. You know, of all the stages, to be small, of all the cities that we go to on this crazy tour,

I didn't realize that I would be within a spittoon's reach of a Spokane resident. You know what I mean? Might get a little chewing tobacco. That's what we call tobacco for short. It's such a big club in such a really small state. It's adorable. Look at it.

It really is. It's one of those things to where, you know what they say in Spokane, fucking pack it in tight. Look at this fucking guy. Oh, it's the security guard. Hey, man, how are you? How's it going? I thought you were an intruder.

It was the opposite. Here to keep us safe. We got fucking big tough fucking truckers around here. I'm excited about this. We are in Spokane. For those of you listening to the podcast, the tour continues. It goes on and on.

The rest of these dates are pretty much sold out. Yep. Tomorrow, Portland, Vancouver, and two shows in Seattle on Sunday. Then we go back. We're at the Comedy Store every single Monday. The guest this Monday is going to be Doug Benson at the Comedy Store. And June 10th, we have Jeffrey Ross.

And I'll announce it right now. June 17th, for the very first time ever in the history of the show, do your research if you don't know the name. The great and powerful Brian Holtzman will be a guest on Kill Tony for the first time. This is huge. One of the kings of late night at the Comedy Store.

A monster comedian, highly respected by everybody. A comics comic. The type of guest that Kill Tony fans will love as a guest. I've been trying for almost six years to get him. We finally got him. He's going to be an instant classic for Kill Tony. You love is a guest. I've been trying for almost six years to get him. We finally got him. He's going to be an instant classic for Kill Tony. You guys are going to know his name. And he'll be back again soon.

And then we go back on the rest of the tour. Lawrence, Kansas at the Granada Theater. Omaha at the Waiting Room. Des Moines, Iowa at Woolies. Appleton at Skyline Comedy. Milwaukee at Turner Hall Ballroom. Chicago at Thalia Hall. Madison at the Majestic Theater.

Minneapolis at the Cedar Cultural Center, Poughkeepsie, and then New York, New York. Two shows at the Gramercy Theater. A second show has been added to the already sold out New York City motherfucking Gramercy Theater, and that is the Summer Tour. Make sure you drink Caveman Coffee. Save 15% by using the promo code KILTONI.

And after the show, I'll let you know right now that we have amazing Ryan J. Ebelt prints prints of the summer tour. Your city's name is on it. The name of this comedy club is on it. And we even have pins. Me and you, you have a pin, and I have a pin from rockingpins.com. From our friends over at Rockin' Pins.

You can get an official Tony Hinchcliffe pin, or you can get an awesome Death Squad pin. They glow in the dark. Those are only $10. The posters are only $20. We're going to be selling those after the show. We'll sign them. We'll take a picture with you, whatever you want. If you have the energy. This is a late show. We're getting started off late here. This is one of the latest shows we've ever started in Kill Tony history, 1033. The cool thing is, I'll say this on the air, is that, you know, I think this date was added a little bit maybe late in the schedule, and they put it on top of another show.

The guy that was headlining here before us, how cool is this, Drew Lynch from America's Got Talent fame, was on, pulled out of the bucket on this show five years ago. Yeah, yeah. Before ever being on AGT. We told him he's a killer. We told him he's got the fucking talent first, and look at him now.

He's fucking filling up. He has six sold-out shows at this fucking club. Unbelievable. How cool is that? So this and that, and we are live. It's very exciting to be here. We bared through the rain, and we got it. We even have the, we have everything we need. It's going to be tight tonight, but I will let you know that we

did bring a band, ladies and gentlemen. I know. Highly controversial for this date specifically. Normally we would send Joel home and have him rejoin us because there's simply not enough room, but we're all going to be up here together in this fucking toy box just for you.

They are the best damn band in the land. Every single episode of this show, they commit to being different characters. You know, sometimes it's your local milkman or they just broke out of prison. You guys know what the fuck's going on. Sometimes it's something brand new

that we've never seen before. So let's see what happens tonight all together, shall we? They're my favorite thing in all of comedy. They're two of my funniest friends on the planet and great musicians too. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Let's see what they are tonight. This should be exciting. Feels good in here. It's a good energy. I thought you guys were going to be tired But I think this is a great crowd tonight

In Spokane, Washington Whoa This is a first Wow I've never These look like new characters to me What are you guys, guys from Eastern Washington? No, we're just a couple of Canucks.

Oh! Canadians, huh? Yeah, getting ready for our Vancouver trip. Wow! We've never had Canadians on this show. Is that correct? It's a darn shame there. Wow, look at that, Spokane. You got a debuted character. The first ever

time we're joined by Canadians. Clearly we have Jeremiah who looks more like a grumpy young man instead of the grumpy old man. All right. And back here we have a cute little fucking Eskimo in transition. This is exciting.

Yeah, my name is Deanie and what's your name, pal, there? Timothy Poutine. Timothy Poutine. And one more time, your name? Deanie. Deanie. That'll your name, pal, there? Timothy Poutine. Timothy Poutine. And one more time your name? Deanie. Deanie. That'll be easy to remember. Like Jimmy Dean, the sausage, but Deanie.

Deanie. Deanie. Okay. And Tim Poutine. All right. Well, we got Deanie. We got Tim Poutine. We got Red Band.

We got the soundboard. And I have this right here The Pitcher of Destiny Here in Spokane You get a cloudy pitcher A bunch of people signed their names earlier In this, on pieces of paper And they have the chance to perform tonight Reminder, no heckling

During any of the people's 60 second sets We don't interrupt them, neither should you They signed up for this opportunity At the end of their 60 seconds, feel free to call them a piece of shit if you want. We'll probably already beat you to it. But given that time, they get 60 seconds on this stage

uninterrupted. You know your time's up if you signed up and you get pulled up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Isn't that adorable? You can barely hear the damn thing. Yeah, that's what it sounds like, except that's not actually the noise, so don't listen for that noise. Listen for that noise. There you go. And then wrap it up then, or she's going to bring out the angry

West Hollywood bear. I got that wrong, by the way. It's the angry nine-bar bear. Hey! Did my research. Ask the Uber driver what's the gayest part of Spokane Just for you Do you think it's easy for a guy like me

In a car full of dudes To ask the Uber driver What's the gayest gay bar That's famous around here She's like would you like to change your destination They have a great happy hour by the way Tony told me all about it That's what happens when Red Band tries to make a joke

And we're off and running You guys ready for this by the way. Tony told me all about it. Hey, that's what happens when Red Band tries to make a joke. And we're off and running. You guys ready for this? You guys excited? We're live. Spokane, Washington. How would I know they have a good happy hour? We got here today. You told me. Oh, you silly guy. Oh, thank you. Look at you. What a gentleman.

People are so nice here. You would think they're Canadian. Guy picked up my Sharpie marker for me. What a gentleman. People are so nice here. You would think they're Canadian. I picked up my Sharpie marker for me. What a gentleman. You guys ready to get this party started? I'm calling a name. Anything can happen. We got Canadians, Red Band. Let's fucking do it. Your first comedian going up tonight, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds, goes by the name

of... Oh, yes. Very important. The only way to enter is this way. Hey, where'd that security guy go? Security guy, you got a flashlight or something? Is there anybody here? Is there anybody working here right now? The entranceway is that way. Good luck finding it, really.

I mean, this club's built like a fucking, like an old blockbuster video or something like that. It's Circuit City. Don't know exactly what this used to be. But for some reason, the only entrance way is all the way that way. So just picture it in your imagination. Don't fall. Look down. Don't trip.

Don't hurt yourself. Put your hands together for your first comedian. He goes by the name of Robbie Cooper. Here we go. Maybe it's his first time. Maybe it's a comedy veteran that we should all know about from Spokane. Can't leave. Let's see what happens here.

Here we go. Any second now, someone's going to fucking walk this way. Hey, there we go. Hey, here he comes. This is exciting. And the show has begun. This is Robbie Cooper. Spokane, how we doing?

All right. So I'm a parent. Any parents in the crowd? Alright, congratulations, you didn't pull out. So one of the first things I learned as a parent is that babies, when they get cold, they pee. And if it's a baby boy, they pee everywhere. In the first three days of my child's life he peed on seven people i said son i'm so proud of you i know people with specific fetishes that would kill for those numbers now i'm pretty sure tony's about to say that he doesn't believe anyone would fuck me and Joke's on you, Tony. My son's adopted. My wife and I are not the same age,

but I believe in the rule that it's okay to be with somebody who is half your age plus seven, and that's why I told my son it's okay for him to fuck eight-year-olds. Okay, a little twist there at the end a lot of math there never been quite the algebra guy can I just say I thought this stage was small before you got up here and now I can feel the condensation booming off

of you like the temperature over here went up very humid you're very hot for a guy built like a snowman Sensation booming off of you. Like the temperature over here went up. Very humid. Very humid. You're very hot for a guy built like a snowman. It wasn't raining today. He was just sweating. This stage ain't big enough for the five of us, eh?

Oh, you. So let's talk about it. How old is your adopted son? He's two. He's two. Yeah. And how long ago did you adopt him? Brand new or did you get it used? Or like, is it adopted son? He's two. He's two. Yeah. And how long ago did you adopt him?

Brand new or did you get him used or like, was it a lease? What is that? What are we talking about? Brand spanking new. Brand spanking new.

Did you get a white baby? We did. Yeah. Did you get to pick? Was there like a thing? Was there like a, was there any black babies available?

Were they more expensive? A little bit cheaper? See, I had to say expensive first or else I'm a racist. They said, oh, no, Brad Pitt got the last one. What? Brad Pitt got the last black one. That's it.

I know Brad Pitt comes all the way up to Spokane to get his babies, for sure. I would. So, yeah, how does that work? How long have you been with the lady that you're with? Seven years. Seven years. Seven years. Married for seven years together. Married for seven years together.

And it is something, I mean, I know it's a personal question, but you couldn't make a baby? We couldn't. Have you ever tried forhims.com? Yeah. I don't think they were around back then. I don't think you were sponsoring. Okay. Have you ever tried it?

Have not. I mean, the medicine. Are you ever tried it? Have not. I mean, the medicine. Are you having a problem with the sperm count or getting it up? What's your biggest problem? Is it you? They couldn't tell us. Is it her eggs? Did you eat all of them?

Good-hearted breakfast joke. A good, honest meal, you know what I mean? Did you drink too much Surge back in the day? Surge? I remember Surge. Yeah, we just got it in Canada. Was it a problem getting it inside of her? Because you could have just taped it in there, you know, so it wouldn't fall out when he moved or something. Are you talking about his penis?

Yeah. Yeah, you've never done the old penis tape? Everybody knows about penis tape. Yeah, duh. So what was the deal? What is it? Is it you? No, they couldn't tell us.

They couldn't tell you? Yeah, the doctor said that one-third of the time it's the man, one-third it's the woman, and one-third of the time they don't understand what it is, but it still works. So it's like the science is not great. And she's Asian? She's not. She's a white lady. Oh, she's a white lady.

Oh. Was that math joke? No, I don't lady. Oh, she's a white lady. Oh. Was that math joke? No, I don't know. I thought I heard something about Asian. Oh, half age. Half your age. I thought you said half Asian. Before you adopted, were they like, will you be able to feed this family? Oh, never mind. You can have the baby.

Yeah, so you have a brand new baby. You ever worried that it's like, you ever watch those scary movies where the baby has like a fucking, like it's a demon or something like that? You ever hear that when you're sleeping at night? No, I don't worry about it.

He's the best boy. He's the best boy. Wow, isn't that nice? Aren't you a sweet guy? The women's vaginas are soaking wet like you are right now. Have you seen The Streets? What? Have't you a sweet guy? The women's vaginas are soaking wet like you are right now. Have you seen the streets? What? Have you seen the streets?

The streets? Yes, the streets are wet. What are you, the fucking weather guy? No shit. We're in eastern Washington. It rains here a lot, right? Not really. Really? No? It's a Seattle thing? You guys have different clouds over here? Is the winters really bad here?

No. Yeah, they are. I've spent a couple weekends here in the winter. Yeah, they're not bad for you. Look at you. You're a fucking one of those room heaters. You are one. I run hot. You're a furnace. You're a human furnace. Has anyone ever called you that before?

That should be your new nickname. No, but I'll take it. The human furnace. That's badass. You look like before? That should be your new nickname. No, but I'll take it. The human furnace. That's badass. You look like before pictures of Tom and Bert Kreischer. You look like something that they would send to each other to make fun of one another. Just like, hey, this is you, dude. Look at this one.

This is you. I don't know what you're talking about. This guy's a model in Canada. So, Robbie, what else? How long have you been doing stand-up? 60 seconds. 60 seconds. Are you serious?

First time ever, everybody. How exciting is that? Wow. In his 60 seconds, he talked about his real life, real things, his adopted son, having a girlfriend, all the stuff. I didn't see that one coming. Did you, Tony? I really thought that you were a seasoned comic. Those were really good jokes. Adopted son, having a girlfriend, all the stuff. I didn't see that one coming, did you, Tony? I really thought that you were a seasoned comic.

Those were really good jokes. I'm so nervous. Really? Yeah, I'm shaking. Yeah, the seasoning that you felt was just everything he's eaten lately. This set brought to you by Lowry's. Look at you. Big bear.

Hey, there it is. There she is. So, Robbie, tell us something else interesting about you. You have any fun facts about Robbie that we'd be excited to know? You seem like, what do you do? You ever do a little fucking ice cream eating competition or something like that? What are you talking about? No, I'm lactose intolerant. Okay. What is a fun fact about you? You ever go ice fishing or anything like that? What are you talking about? No, I'm lactose intolerant.

Okay. What is a fun fact about you? You ever go ice fishing or anything like that? I have. As a child in Missouri, near Kansas City. Oh, very nice. What's it like being lactose intolerant and also having breast milk? Oh, shit.

That Canadian's getting hot. It's Robbie. How about an answer for me? What do you got? What do you do? What do you like to do? What do you do for work? I'm a teacher. College professor. College professor? Holy shit. What do you teach? I know it's not nutrition.

Human development. Human development. Yes, I can develop you from a medium to a triple X in no time. Wow. That's incredible. What is human development? It's something he can't do, obviously. That's why he had to adopt a kid. Yeah.

Ooh. Red man. You're gonna hurt his big heart. You're gonna break his enlarged heart. His baboon heart. My goodness, human development at college. So what is that? What is human development?

It's the study of how humans develop. Oh, okay. Like, I mean, like, evolve or just grow? Like, what do you mean? Through the lifespan from prenatal development all the way until death, how people develop, the way they learn and learn social skills. Can you give us a little fun fact that probably none of us know

that sort of is like really interesting that you teach in a course throughout a year like one little fun fact like you know when you're 75 your fucking like veins turn yellow or something like that. So one thing is the majority of older adults like 70 plus still have sex of older adults, like 70 plus,

still have sex. And older adults who still have sex live longer. So I always tell my students that if they love their grandparents to call them

and tell them to have sex. Hell yeah. Wow. That's interesting. That's a good little fun fact. You're never going to be elderly, Robbie, so you're never going to

have to worry about that. Have all the sex you can now. Anyway. Robbie, incredible set, especially for your first time, man. You did it all right. You're talking about real shit that only you can talk about. Incredible.

Way to get the party started tonight, Robbie. Thank you so much. There he goes. Robbie Cooper, everyone. We're off and running. Amazing. So cool. It's amazing because he was better than everybody on last night's show in Idaho. Every single person put together was not as good as him.

So far, every city we go to, you shit on the city that we were at before. Do you think those people aren't going to listen to the podcast that they came to see? All these cities are going to be like, well, fuck you guys. Alright. Somehow this name looks familiar. We're going to see what happens here, though.

I can't imagine us seeing this guy before. Maybe it's someone with the same name of someone that we've seen before. Put your hands together for Graham Cox, everyone. Graham Cox. Maybe just a porno guy. I kiss a girl and I like it. Here he comes. Wow, this is exciting.

One more time for Graham Cox, everybody. Yeah. Wow, this is exciting. One more time for Graham Cox, everybody. Woo! Yeah, like Tony said, my name is Graham Cox. Not C-O-C-K-S, but C-O-X. My mom's maiden name is Dixon, and my middle name is Richard. So we got a whole bunch of dicks and cocks My name is Dixon and my middle name is Richard. So we got a whole bunch of dicks and cocks and dicks and cocks.

So if you happen to have a last name like mine, Cox, you have to think hard about what you're gonna name your kid. So you don't wanna name your kid. So you don't want to name your kid Juanita. Isaac. Okay. So they say it takes a lot of balls to get up here. Really? That was a minute? They say it takes a lot of balls to get up here.

And, yeah, man. One of my balls got twisted around. It's like testicle torsion. My grandfather gave me the nickname... One Hung Lo. my grandfather gave me the nickname one hung low wow fuck yeah I mean pretty exciting

Graham first time doing stand up wow that's so cool this is very exciting I've always wondered what it would look like if Chuck Norris fucked Pocahontas so this is all... Can you turn around real quick? I just want to know what I'm about to make fun of.

All right, cool. All right, face that way. I'll just tell you everything. He looks like the father of the Wendy's girl. You mean Dave Thomas. There you go. Let the laughs breathe, everybody. He looks like Dog the Bounty Hunter's lawyer.

He looks like Willie Nelson went to Vietnam instead of producing hits. He looks like what the spin doctors were based off of. He looks like Willie Smelson. My friends call me Gramma Green Gables. That's a nickname given to me because I'm from Prince Edward Island, Canada, on the East Coast. Did anyone ever tell you you look like if Kid Rock was trying to be an undercover cop? You look like...

Like now? You look like I fuck kids, Rock. There you go. See, that's how you do it. Woo! So let's talk about it, Graham. This is clearly your first time. Yes. Yes, just wondering, how long have you had full-blown braids?

I tell you, I'd ask people to braid my hair, and it was a really hard thing to do. And then eventually I'm like, I've got to teach myself how to braid my own hair. So I sit there in the mirror like, trying to. The fuck are you talking about? Braiding my own hair. Graham, let's just tell the truth.

You let children dress you before you go out at night. What do you kids want daddy to wear? I'm going to braid your hair. Oh, look at this stupid hat. All right. Let's talk about it. Oh, put it back on. All right. I'm gonna braid your hair Oh look at this stupid hat Alright Let's talk about it Oh put it back on Catch the Kill Tony tour featuring Lice

Everybody this is very exciting From the Ice House to the Lice House So Graham let's talk about it That was your first time ever doing stand up right Very good the goat of the first time. It popped his cherry. There you go. Hell yeah.

This is very exciting. Tell us about you, Graham. This look, this has to match some interesting fucking life shit. Well, I live in Nelson, British Columbia. Nelson, British Columbia. We don't know what that is. Can you describe that a little bit? What is Nelson, British Columbia. Nelson, British Columbia. We don't know what that is. Can you describe that a little bit?

What is Nelson, British Columbia? A beautiful haven. Uh-huh. Yeah, in the mountains, skiing, mountain biking, not too far from here. Do you go skiing? Oh, yeah. Really? You go skiing?

Yeah. And snowboarding? Yeah. Fuck, yeah, dude. I can't even picture that. Well, let me tell you, looking like this, getting across the border was its own story today. We thought they were bringing in the dogs. They just pulled over, and my girlfriend and I are looking at each other like, oh, fuck.

Right. Both of your braids flopping in the air. I don't know, man. Hitting each other in the face. And then they came back, and they're like, you guys, have fun tonight. And we're just like, woo, so stoked to be here. What kind of car do you drive? Like a PF Cruiser?

Like what are we looking at? PF Cruiser. Redband is thinking of PF Changs, and he picks PF Changs with PT Cruiser. Just to let you know where Redband's head is at. He's hungry. Can I take a guess at this? I'm going to take a two-pronged guess. I'm going to say it's either an old school sort of minivan.

I'm picturing a minivan or it's a Honda Accord. It's a Honda Element. Element. That's the PF Cruiser of Honda. It is. One of your best – your girlfriend drive a minivan? No, she doesn't. She does not.

I see a minivan in your past. I really want a motorbike so bad. I'm just like, I love motorbikes. Yeah. I want one so bad. So how does it feel being up here with fellow Canadians? When I saw you guys, I was like, yes, stoked. We saw your set and we were like, oh, no.

That's okay. You're okay. That's okay. You're okay, Graham Cox. So what does a guy like you do for work? That's a hard question. I don't get along too well with other people, Tony. It's like...

What do you do for work, Graham? I'm unemployed at the moment. Really? What's the last job that you had? Are you thinking that hard of the last job you had? Yeah. Whatever that is. I don't know what's going on there.

Pretty much. What's the last job that you had, Graham? I'm going to keep asking you until you give a fucking answer. The last job I had didn't last too long. I was working. It was the worst. I was working for a CO2 extraction company building CO2 extraction machines. Do you make meth?

Definitely not. I have nothing to do along that line. Really? Fuck yeah. No. Wow. So how do you earn money, Graham? How do you survive

in that wacky Canadian economy? Very, very... You know, life is good. I get by. How? I get by.

I'm going to keep asking you. So start thinking of answers. I mean, how many loonies or toonies did you make on your last job there? Not too much. Not too much? Not too much. This is what I was, how has this come up? I was like, no, don't ask me this.

How do you make money? Can you give us a hint? Right now, I got a call today for working for a low voltage, putting in security cameras. Security cameras. You're the voltage, putting in security cameras. Security cameras. I was supposed to work tomorrow. You're the guy putting in the security cameras? Yeah. Where are you putting...

You know that, what is it, Wells Fargo story, those guys? Yeah, it's like, yeah. Where are you putting the cameras? In the toilets? Yeah. You put cameras in at Wells Fargo? No, no. I was just listening to a podcast, and they're talking about those guys who did that whole job on the inside.

The fuck are you talking about again? What's going on here? Sometimes you just answer questions we didn't even ask. Yeah, Jeremiah. Yeah, Beanie over here. Yeah, so you had one part of your set where I really tried to understand what the joke was, but you said Isaac Cox, and I still can't figure out what that means. Isaac sounds like I suck. Isaac Cox.

Oh, it's even worse than I thought it would be. It was really bad. Okay, I just need a clarification on if that's what it was. Okay, got it. Good. Yeah. Isaac Cox. a clarification on it that's what it was okay got it yeah so my friend today he's he's the one who told me about wanna eat like wanna eat a cock no no I like that one yeah yeah that's good but but it's all about how you say it right like and

just how you pronounce it right cuz yeah you know if a guy name is isaac and you go isaac you know isaac it's a different way of inflection of saying it you know different territories pronounce it different ways i understand true story so my cousin named his kid isaac and my uncle was like what's your name your kid and my cousin said isaac and my uncle was like are you fucking serious he's like yeah isaac like wow you're just thinking of any way to suck dicks is what it sounds like like isaac i'll suck it like what how do you get i i've never heard every anytime i've ever heard isaac i've never thought i suck but you have all right whatever drug you were on, I'm sure it all made sense then. Tell us

about you, dude. What do you do for fun? You won't tell us what you do for work. Other than skiing and snowboarding, what makes you... I started skateboarding again. So I go to the skateboard park in the mornings. You live the life of a 12-year-old.

Yeah, it's like hiking. Uh-huh. Yeah. Can I just say, as a skateboarder, my biggest fear is being this guy. Yeah. What does your girlfriend do for work? Does she make money? Does she contribute to this fund of nothingness? She works at

a bakery, an organic bakery. Oh, where you guys make meth. I'm not giving up on you. I think we'll break you at some point. And we run the car wash business in town. All right. Well, I think you're lying about every way that you survive.

I feel like you're afraid to say, and I feel like after the show, you're going to tell me, and I'm going to be like, you should have fucking said it. Oh, yeah. I've been doing this for a long time, man. I can feel your energies up here. I know that you're

holding something back. He's just a grower. You grow pot. You grow pot. You have a pot farm. It's BC. Yeah, so you grow pot. You have a pot farm. No. It's B.C. B.C. Buzz. Yeah, it's B.C. Yeah, so you grow pie. No. Okay. You think we're the weirdest undercover cops of all time?

We got him, you idiot. Get down on the floor. Put your braids behind your head. All right, there he goes. Graham Cox, everybody. Let's move it along. I like this guy. I like you, Graham.

Congratulations. This is the first time ever on stage. Hell yeah. That guy's up to something. He's definitely up to something. If it was growing pot, why not say it? But I guess he's Canadian, so that's like being a sinner or something like that in Canada. What's that thing they always raid the houses?

They're making the butter. It's almost like a meth place, but it's honey hash or something like that. That guy makes meth. That guy is a meth cook, and the name I just pulled out of the bucket is Alexander Cook. Here we

go. On to the the bucket is Alexander Cook. Here we go. On to the next one. Alexander Cook. Right in the middle. Hell yeah. We got movement. How many of you like to see comedians do good on this show? How many of you like to see comedians bomb?

Wow. There we go. A little bit of evil from Spokane, Washington. A little bit darker than light. Here he comes, your third comedian of the night. You guys having fun out there? Alexander Cook. Hello. So I'm 22. I'm pretty young to most of you, but I feel like I'm growing up in a lot of ways. And part of growing up is having to deal with your parents in a different way, and that includes Christmas.

And this Christmas was no different than the last five Christmases in which my siblings and I didn't get any presents, which is fine. I just shouldn't expect any presents. But the worst part is having to watch my dad open presents for himself that he got. And for the last two years in a row, he got himself an RC drone. He's really into that, so I had to watch him all day fly a drone around the yard

and terrorize the dog. He just had this big smile on his face. It was the happiest I'd seen him since he quit drinking, you know. So, uh... Yeah, so he's hanging out in the yard just all day ignoring the family on Christmas, playing with the dog, terrorizing it,

and finally comes back into the house, and the dog is really scared and looking up and really, really scared, and it reminded me of, like, those CNN images you see of, like, the Syrian children. It's like, when am I going to see a drone again, you know? Like, I don't know, so... Fuck yeah. All right, he's done. Alexander Cook. see a drone again, you know? Like, I don't know.

Fuck yeah. All right. He's done. Alexander Cook. Fucking adorable. Look at you. What are you? What are you?

Step up to the microphone. Look at you, you little fucking Spokane little bulldike. I'm not a Spokaneite. What are you? Where are you from? I'm from Montana. I'm from Missoula. Ooh, Missoula. That's a little bit of a drive, isn't it? Oh, tropical. Only three hours, actually. Three hours. And you came here

for this? You're in Spokane one night only? We're staying a couple nights because we've got a buddy who lives here. Oh, okay. That's fun. You've been doing stand-up in Montana? Nope. My first time. This is your first time. All first-timers so far. That's fucking fun.

Is that true? How old are you? I'm 22. 22 years old. So do you still expect presents at Christmas? Do you still live with your parents? No, I've accepted that. Like I said, it's been like five years since I got presents.

Right, right, right. But I go to their house for Christmas. But you live by yourself? I live with my girlfriend who's here to travel with me. Very cool. A happy lesbian couple indeed. That is so exciting. That is so cool. You guys ever scissor?

It's the only thing we can do. How long have you been with your girlfriend? What is it? Three years? I don't know. Seven years? Wow, good response. Great boyfriend. Oh my goodness. Is that her? Wow.

She's annoying as fuck. My goodness. You should break up with her. We should have our first ever on-stage breakup of a girlfriend right now. It's going to be an awkward drive home. No, I'm kidding, guys. I'm kidding. I'm just joking.

So tell us about you. What's your story, Alexander? What you been doing with your life? 22? Did you go to school? I did for a little bit. You went to Montana school. Did you master in bear fighting?

I didn't get my master. What did you learn? I went to music school for a little bit. Would you study musically? I was a singer. Really? Opera performer. Can you sing us a little opera right now?

Just acapella style? You have to. If you sing us a little opera right now? Just acapella style? You have to. If you're wondering, you have to. Yeah, yeah. No one gives a fuck. Yep, this is it. This is what you do when you're in front of an audience. You fucking sing it. You don't need a beat

for opera. Come on. Are you kidding? Like German leader? That's like what I was singing in the car today. Whatever the fuck you want to sing, dude. Absolutely. German, African, I don't give a fuck. All right. Give me the Ridge Against the Machine.

Oh, wow. Look at this. He actually did get a degree in music. All of a sudden, fuck. Hey, you shouldn't be. Give him a little more. Why are you teasing us? That was very small. I like red bands more, yeah.

I mean, all right. Clearly this is your first time in front of an audience or in show business or anything like that. These people wanted you to fucking belt out something. You just got buried by Red Band. I don't know if you know what just happened here. I think he's a natural. That means basically anybody here can sing better than you.

We can all do that. Isn't there something amazing that you could do that would bring this crowd to a fucking frenzy right now? I don't know. I can show my butt or something. What? Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't know.

Unless you have a better opera singer up your asshole, that's not going to work. Oh, Canada. There you go. There you go. All right. Canada. There you go. There you go. All right. Yeah.

You see that? Listen to that crowd. You see how they're happy? Yeah, they're satisfied, yeah. There you go. What did we learn here tonight? I didn't even have to show them my butt. So Alexander, what do you do now?

What do you do for work? I work in a cafe. I serve tables. You serve tables at a cafe in Missoula. Do you serve food there? I serve food. Yep, A. Uh-huh.

How long have you been doing that for? Just a couple weeks. It's a newer job, so. Yeah. What did you do before that? Same kind of shit. Same kind of shit. So what's the goal? You have a music degree?

You're waiting tables? Yeah, probably gonna move out of town and finish my degree somewhere else. Yeah, where you gonna go? Hopefully down south somewhere.

We'll see. Down south. Isn't like everywhere south of Montana? Unless you're going to hang out with these fucking guys and the goddamn meth head.

By the way, by the way, I've never heard anybody say hopefully down south. I guess that doesn't sound so great. You just want to move anywhere south of here. Yeah, I've got a few cities. New Orleans, Nashville, something like that. Why New Orleans, just out of curiosity?

It's like where the music jobs are somewhere. Like a big city with music. Nashville is amazing. I love Nashville It's a great show there. Yeah. Yeah, it's a lot of fun there. Everything's good in Nashville You should have you ever been there? I never have my sister lived there for a little bit But what's your sister like what does she do? You look like a girl does she look like a boy? She looks like me. She looks like you Yeah, I get stopped and asked if I'm her or something. Really?

I can't never tell when you're kidding or not. No, I don't really have much of a sense of humor. It's okay. Oh, welcome to stand-up comedy. All right. What does your girlfriend do for work? She's an elementary school teacher, and she also serves tables. Oh, wow. Elementary school table and serves tables. She's the bread school teacher, and she also serves tables. Oh, wow.

Elementary school table and serves tables. She's the breadwinner, for sure. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Well, she's doing it. You're the bread server, so someone's got to do it. Yeah, because you look like Jared from Subway.

Do I really? Do I actually look like Jared from Subway? If he was young, yeah, maybe. You look like someone that Jared from Subway would like a lot? Maybe. Moving on. Back to you, Tony. Okie dokie. Yeah, man. So, Alexander, any other fun facts about you that we'd be surprised to know? Opera singing,

but you didn't even fucking really do it. Yeah, sorry. I told you my voice is a little rash. What else? Any other fun facts about you? Not really. I'm pretty boring. Yeah. What do your parents do in Missouri?

Missouri? Montana. Montana, yeah. It's all the same bullshit to me. It's like... It's called uncharted land. It's one state away, just about. Yeah, okay.

What do your parents do in Montana? My dad works for an environmental cleanup company, which there's a lot of here. There's a bunch of fucked up mine, pollution, and stuff like that. So I've got work to do. My mom just kind of hangs out. We got a new house recently.

Your mom hangs out. Your mom just hangs out? She doesn't work? She cleans houses occasionally. Does your mom ever have pigtails? I don't think so, no. Why do you ask? She sounds a lot like Graham Cox to me, and I'm trying to figure out.

Doesn't seem like she does much. Sounds a little suspicious. Yeah, he does sound suspicious. My mom's cool, though. My mom's definitely cool. I bet she is. Well, Alexander, it was nice to meet you. Congratulations on your first time doing stand-up.

There he is. There he goes. Alexander Cook. Hey, hell yeah. There you go. His hand's sweaty. He's very excited to be here. It's exciting stuff.

You guys enjoying yourself, Spokane? We having fun? I know it's late, but we're doing this shit here tonight. This is it. We're living that good life, you know what I mean? That good fucking Spokane, god damn. Is there any black people here?

Oh, wow. Oh, there is one. It's a real life. Wow, I've never seen one of them before. That is one more than we saw in Boise. And Salt Lake City.

But to all of our black listeners, every other city has a lot of black people. It's just this part of the country. Still come out to live shows. Yeah, please. All right. Put your hands together for your next comedian philip kopsinski wow seems like this audience recognized that name when i said it i'll show you everything with arms wide open here he is ph, Philip Kotsinski. All right. So yeah, I had kids young, man, super

young, but I grew up when my wife brought home that breast pump. That is a lot of life coming at a young man, you know, like a little funnel on a bottle, just right there, you know, a little tube goes like a car battery. Whole thing sounds like emphysema. Just... We had like an old school model that looked like a defibrillator, you know? We'd plug it into the wall. The lights would just start dimming. My buddies don't have kids.

They're coming over just like, what's happening at your house? They're like, oh, it's just my wife in the next room milking herself. But one time she left it at my mom's house, and she's just like, oh, oh, the kids are in bed. Will you suck some out? I'm like, bleh.

But I did it, you know. I'm a good husband. You know I'm a good husband I did it because She used my language against me She was like well maybe just put the tip in your mouth And see what happens Fuck yeah

Philip Kopsinski Hell yeah dude I like your style man You're very like physical and wacky. You've been doing stand-up for a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bit. Hell yeah.

How long? A couple years? Five years. Five years here in Spokane? Well, I'm a road comic, so I'm on the road about twice a month. Oh, very cool. But you're based out of here? Yeah, man.

Yeah, there's not a lot. I'm like a regional headliner for Washington, I would say. Brand new. Right. I love that. But I'm trying to get out more. Yeah, man. Yeah, there's not a lot. I'm like a regional headliner for Washington, I would say. Brand new. Right. I love that. But I'm trying to get out more. Yeah, of course. That's beautiful.

You been in the military? No, but thank you. I have been working out. You remind me very much of like Rob Riggle. Like there's just this very Rob Riggle, like just fucking. Mixed with John Heffron or something. Yeah. Dude, I'm trying to keep it off a little more than John Riggle, man. I feel like Heffron or something. Yeah, dude, I'm trying to keep it off

a little more than John Riggle, man. I feel like his suits just keep getting bigger, you know? You son of a bitch. Tell us more about you, Phillip. You do this for a living? Stand-up comedy?

Full-time? I mean, it is a second income, but I'm not crazy. You know what I mean? I gotta feed the children. How many children do you have? My wife keeps track of this stuff, dude.

I like this guy. It's very good. I like that. Two kids, 14 and 12. Two boys. 14 and 12. They're still getting breastfed? These fucking kids? This is incredible. They must be ripped. Yeah, man. I breastfed

until I was 19 years old. Actually, that first guy is the one that breastfeeds now, my wife said. Wow. Oh, shots fired. Yeah, 14 and 12. So I waited until they were older to hit the road. My goodness. You seem like a pretty young guy. How old were

you when you had your first kid? 23 wow yeah planned you still with the baby mama yeah yeah 16 years you guys are happy yeah very happy wow what do you think the secret to a happy 16 year marriage is uh dude just just eat that puss dude every morning, noon, and night, dude. Just keep cleaning it up. Just fucking do it, man. You know? Even if you don't want to fuck, fuck, dude. Yeah, like, just definitely keep fucking. That's so cool. Where'd you meet your wife?

We met when we were 19, so we met in college. Uh-huh, yes. Yeah, the way you said that, like, is like you hit a wall after a point, and then you just, you just had to keep going back to this well that you didn't want to get water out of. Is that what marriage is like long term? No, man. I mean, if you're going to go back to the well,

are you saying it's drying out? Are you saying my wife's pussy is dry? What are you saying, dude? It's kind of mean, dude. I sauce a puss. I'm a gentleman. I mean, I'm a gentleman I'm a Canadian I'm not going to say another man's wife's pussy is dry That's something that you're projecting on me

So it's definitely a dry pussy Might be dry to you Might be Canada dry That's ridiculous. So, Phillip, you seem like a guy that has hobbies. What do you do? Like canoe up rivers? What are we talking about here?

Yeah, I ski and snowboard a lot. Mount Spokane, regular. And then I have a skate ramp in my backyard. So, yeah, that's... Wow. Do you need another kid? yeah you want to come over? sure I'll be there tomorrow man

so 14 and 17? 14 and 12 14 and 12 14 year old boy or girl? no two boys 14 year old boy, 12 year old boy they're like boy scouts, Dungeons and Dragons Magic the Gathering. I love that.

Oh, they're gay. Yeah, yeah. You ever catch them jerking off? No, not yet. You ever catch them jerking each other off? No. You ever catch yourself jerking them off? I am.

I'm just trying not to get caught jerking off. That's right. That's a big part of it. It's a war zone out there. A bunch of dudes running around a house. Everybody's jerking off. You don't know when and where. Why did Billy lock himself in the laundry room?

Why would he do that? Get some alone time. It's got a lock on the door. Yeah, we have a lot of locks in our house. Hell yeah. Oh, Jewish household. a lot of locks in our house. Hell yeah. Oh, Jewish household.

It's so funny. They don't get it. I don't think they have Jewish people here. I don't think Jewish people really, I don't think Eastern Washington is one of their meccas.

We were at Einstein's Bagels earlier. That's where that joke came from. Yeah, that's right. That's true. See how the laughter stopped when we brought up Einstein. They say, Stein, fuck this.

Anyway, man, so what else, Phillip, any other fun facts about you that we'd be surprised to know? I used to be a small-town news reporter. Whoa! Okay, can we do something fun? Can you take that mic out of the mic stand and can you give us like an impression of just you honestly how you were like as a news reporter like right down the barrel like i mean you just pretend like you're doing like a field piece at

live at kill tony like and you are uh live at the scene and they're just shooting a little they're about to toss you no no i was a i a newspaper reporter, so I had to interview people. But I can do this, too. This is weird. Okay, let's try it anyway. Okay, and now on the scene, live at this big comedy podcast takeover, it's our special correspondent here at ABC News,

Philip Kostinski. Hi, I'm Philip Kostinski. I'm here at Kill Tony. We're just here for failure tonight. We've seen a lot of it so far, and we're going to probably see a lot more. Thank you. Back to you, Tony. Wow, very good, and that was Philip Kostasinski.

Thanks a lot, man. Live on the scene on the ones and twos. There he goes. Yeah, sure, one more time for Philip, everybody. Thank you, Philip, for coming. Great set. Come on. One more time for him.

That's a five-year comedy vet right there coming up here, showing you how it's done. Funny during his set. Funny during the interview. Not funny enough for this guy, obviously. Get the fuck out of here. Just flick us off.

All right, well. With arms wide open. Okay. It just says one word name. Is somebody going to come to the stage? One word name? Here he comes. You signed up one word name.

Fuck yeah, one word name. Here he comes. Oh, the name is one word name. Yeah. He listens to the show a lot. Here he comes. Oh, the name is one word name. Yeah. Oh. He listens to the show a lot. I always say one word names are always interesting. One more time for one word name.

So, the term active shooter has me a bit confused. Like, if you don't do CrossFit, you're not dangerous with a gun. I can imagine the guy busting into the office with his hands. He's like, get down, get down. Call 911. Yeah, the guy come in with a gun. Okay, sir, what's he wearing on his feet? What?

What's he got on his feet? It looks like flip-flops. Okay. Very good, sir. What's he got up top? What's he got up top? What's he wearing? I think it's a Marlboro NASCAR jacket. Oh, that's actually very

good, sir. And what's he like? 5'8", 320? Actually, yeah. Yeah, he looks about like that. Very good news, sir. Not an active shooter. He's very lazy, so you're safe. Hey, we're safe, y'all.

Let's get up and we're good. He's not active. Thank you. Hell yeah. One word name. One word name. Hell yeah. I know you like those.

Hell yeah, I do. That's an interesting method. Hey, it works. What's your actual name? Kerry. Kerry, fuck yeah. Nice to meet you, dude. I'll just call you Coked Up Josh Brolin.

Hey, you can call me whatever you want, you guys. I like that, man. I like that. Fuck yeah. I'm so glad you're here, bro. Hell yeah, I love this guy. Is that Joe Rogan on your shirt? Yes, sir.

Birthday present. That's pretty fucking sweet. My wife got it for me. That's so cool. Tell us more about you, Carrie. What the fuck's going on in the world? We know your thoughts on active shooters. It's weird, though, right?

Is this your first time doing stand-up? First time, yeah. There you go. First time for Carrie. There you go. First time for Kerry. My son bought me tickets. Hell yeah. He signed up. Look at that fucking stud right there.

Look at that badass motherfucker. Look at his ears. They're nasty. Yeah? He's a wrestler? Yeah, MMA fighter. I'm his coach. Oh, fuck yeah.

Yep. Wow, all right. No more mean jokes about you. I came right from MMA practice tonight. I was going to say but I decided not to because I feel like the reference wasn't going to work.

I was going to say you look like almost a fucking dinosaur version of Matt Brown. You get Matt Brown a lot? Your son loves it. See, he's the actual MMA fighter and he's fucking dying right now. I'm his co-star, so watch out.

It's a good reference. It's a dinosaur version of Matt Brown. You'll Google it later. You'll see. I get it. We get it. Remember I asked you if Kill Tony had ever come here?

When I was doing stand-up here? I asked you that. And here you are. I love you guys. Sure. Fuck yeah. You know we're still on the show? Yep, I asked you that. I loved it. And here you are. I love you guys. Sure, fuck yeah. You know, we're still on the show right now, live. I know.

So, Kerry, tell me more about you. Are you for a day job? Are you a roofer? Commercial irrigation. Commercial irrigation. Yeah. So, okay. Construction.

No, you're close. Yep. Yep, pretty close. So, and you're outdoors a lot. All day, every day. All day. How long have you been doing that for? Ten years.

Wow. Ten fucking years. You ever, you do like the digging or is it more like what? Running machines. Yep. Running machines. What kind of machines? Excavators, bobcats, skid sears.

Hell yeah. My God. You've, you've, you work with bobcats Fuck yeah Skid Sears Hell yeah My god You've You've You work with Bobcats That's like a That's like a Fucking bulldozer right Yeah kinda yeah

Interesting Mini version yeah That's so fucking like manly You have like a Lunch box Like one of those Hard shell lunch boxes You take it to work

I do intermittent fasting So I don't take lunch to work Whoa That's so badass. I learned it from this guy. Hell yeah. Absolutely. That's so fucking cool. We're going to check in with the Canadian Dini over here.

I've never met a person that I liked more and been more terrified of at the same time. You ever have to use any of your I mean, for you podcast listeners, like I said, this is a real fucking man right here. This guy's got a man head.

I'm a pastry chef too, though, so watch out. Really? I make wedding cakes, yeah. Wow, you make fucking wedding cakes? Yeah. Holy shit. With like rifles and rear naked chokeholds. And I do the national anthem

for all of the local amateur teams. You sing it? Yeah, and all the cage fights, I sing the anthem before. Can you give us an example of your final, your big part of this song, the land of the free

and the home of the brave, the big part of it? I don't know about that. Come on. I'll just sing a little bit. Yeah. Oh, say can you see

by the dawn's early light Fuck yeah! I'm ready to fight right now. That's how you fucking do it. You just go into the damn shit. Is that 22-year-old

opera singer watching this motherfucker? I'm over here. Little fucking kid thinks he's a little smarty pants. You just got out-thought by an irrigation MMA coach. Fuck yeah.

What else about you, Kerry? How old's your son over there? He seems like a grown ass man. He just turned 22, but he thinks he has a minute that's better than my minute. Really?

Is that true? Really? That's what he said. Wow. You guys want to see a father-son battle? What's his, what's Oh! What's his name? Bear. Bear?

Yeah. His fucking... His name's Elijah Ross, but since he's been two... You named your son Bear? Since he's been two, his name is Bear. All right. Well, does he have a last name? Can I bring him up by his last name?

Grills. Ross. Bear Ross. Yeah. Bear Grills. For real, though. Look at his ears. He's no joke.

Yeah, for real though Look at his ears, he's no joke Now if your son loses As an MMA coach You have the right to choke him out on stage here Alright, let's see what happens You guys ready for this? You want to just stand in the background here With Joel Berg, put that thing back in the mic stand

Ladies and gentlemen For the first time in Kill Tony history I'm about to bring up I'm going to bring up another comedian. Put your hands together. Father-son battle. The one and only Bear Ross. Wow.

Let's see what happens. He signed up. The crowd wanted it. We're going to get back to the bucket in a second here. I'm excited to see what happens here. He got greeted by his father, Octagon style. One more time for Bear Ross, everybody.

Let's go, boys! Hey, I'm Elijah. How y'all doing? Shit. Cool. So the great thing about CTE is when I finally watch Game of Thrones, I'll have no idea what the fuck is going on. Yeah, holy shit.

Stevie Wonder would have a lot better luck doing this. He'd have no stage fright. I think Stephen Hawking's last words were, low battery. Me and my girlfriend were having an argument the other day. It was which licorice we like better. She said red vine, I said Twizzler. After different fucking flavor and textures and shit. The only thing we could come to a conclusion on was

no blacks. Wow. Look at that. Holy shit. How cool is this? That was great. That was unbelievable. That's one of the most heartfelt moments in the history of this show. Normally, when a son buries his father, it's because he died before him.

Holy shit. Bear Ross. One of my favorite parts of that, though, that was incredible, was you had the crowd eating out of the palm of your hand. That's your first time doing stand-up? Jesus fucking Christ, man. Great set. You rolled with the format of the show

and did your own style of short fucking jokes. One of the coolest things for me was you had the whole crowd laughing at the jokes, but no one was laughing harder than fucking Pops back here. He's never heard that. I had a whole different set until on the way here.

I fucking love it. Look at that. What type of pickup truck did you guys drive up here? Ford F-150? Chevy. Hey! Silverado. That's so cool.

I like how his last joke was like a no blacks joke, but yet Yay, Silverado. That's so cool. Deanie? I like how his last joke was like a no blacks joke, but yet his father the whole time was reacting like a black guy to his jokes. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. That's my son right there. Oh, shit. That's funny right there.

He even ran away at one point. Yeah. Oh, hell no! Oh! He pulled a sweat towel out of nowhere, started dabbing his forehead. Oh! You guys didn't see him.

He started fucking the stool. I love it. So, Bear, that's awesome. This is your first time on stage. Was it scarier than being in the octagon? What are we talking about here? Yeah, my heart's still racing. Usually once you get in the cage, the door shuts.

Nobody else is there, but everybody's still fucking here. Yeah, they're all still out there. They fucking loved you, though. This is great. So how long have you been fighting in the MMA? I'm done now. Actually, my last fight was about a year ago. I was at your show the day I was cutting weight, so I was down about 17 pounds.

Oh, shit. It was a two-drink minimum, but I couldn't fucking drink anything. Right. So I gave up all my drinks. Damn, that had to be hard, man. Weight cutting is extremely difficult. Your fight was the next night or weigh-in was the next day? Yeah, weigh-ins were out in Seattle the next day.

Oh, man. Took my first fight when I was 15. That's brutal. I'm 22 now. Did you have fun that night? It seems like almost impossible to enjoy a comedy show when you're cutting that much weight. No, best thing to do is cut weight.

I guess so. Don't laugh. You're not thinking about it. You've got to pass the time, right? I've got a question. Yeah. Which of the mixed martial arts is your favorite? I grew up wrestling, so wrestling. Yeah. It's a good one. It seems to be the best one. Yeah. Which of the mixed martial arts is your favorite? I grew up wrestling, so wrestling.

Yeah. Good one. Seems to be the best one. Yeah, that makes sense. So you're out of the game now. He could have said anything right now. No, wrestling, jiu-jitsu probably the top. He's so scary.

He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's the best one. Yeah, yeah. Karate. No, wrestling. Oh, karate. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, tai chi.

Yeah, I love that. I love that. Yeah. The dad says I'm right What were you going to say there Bear? Speaking of wrestling Do you think you could sign a wrestling card for me? Sure I was going to wait until after I thought you were going to do

Wow John Cena I thought he was going to do the I thought he was going to do the old penis in the fanny pack joke. He's like, yeah, just sign it right here. Sign this cock. Wow. Bear, so now that you're out of MMA, what are you going to do to survive?

What are you going to do? Just fucking jump people, beat them up? No, no, no. I coach a little bit. I help out at the gym with my dad. I've been working with him since I was in high school. At 16, I could work. I started doing some house remodeling stuff on my off season.

Fuck yeah. I love it, man. Unbelievable performance up here. You stayed in the pocket and you fucking did it. Now, the one thing that you know, Deanie over there had a great idea.

Whoever has the best set should choke the other one out. So what do you say? You guys want to see this son choke out his dad? Hey, it's nothing new. He chokes me out all the fucking time. But not with his cock, though. All right. I don't know.

We don't want to do that. Maybe it's not a good idea, right? Really? You want him to choke you out? He's saying no. Bear, you're saying no. Don't do it. Bear doesn't want to do it. Real quick, what happens when you get choked out?

You wake up like five seconds later. It's like you wake up super baked and everything's kind of spinning. Tony, not out, but let's let him get his dad to tap. Can you just do it till he taps? Yeah, not out. Yeah, that he could do. Put the mic back in the mic stand.

This is our first ever rear naked choke. We'll call it a rear naked choke since it's on Kill Tony. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh shit. Okay, okay. That's so scary. Let's see how loud this place

can get for this father and son duo. I mean, just incredible. Bear, you fucking killed it. Congratulations. Something else you want to say? I've been wanting to do this for like a year, and I told everybody the first time I wanted to do stand-up was on Kill Tony,

and I was planning to go out to California, but y'all came here and I got called up, so fucking thanks, you guys. I love that. Congratulations, Bear. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, and anybody that's here interested in training with these badasses, go to 823 MMA here in Spokane, Washington. There's a little plug.

There they go, the fucking Rosses, ladies and gentlemen. One more time. That was great. Heartwarming. That was amazing. That was fucking scary yet heartfelt at the same time. There's a range of emotions going on there. Have you ever been choked out before? You trained jiu-jitsu.

Not fully out, but it's scary, yeah. Yeah, it was... I don't want anybody to pass out on stage. We don't have the medical attention for that. One of my favorite things back in the day was when the great, late, great Rowdy Roddy Piper would hang out at the comedy store a few years back

before he passed away. And his finishing move was the sleeper hold. But he was a WWE guy but he's still fucking. It's the same thing. The sleeper hold is a rear naked choke. And one of the comedians one night asked if he could get choked out by Rowdy Roddy Piper. And we were all sort of sitting in the back. It was late at night.

And we're wondering if Rowdy Roddy Piper was actually going to choke him all the way out. And not only did he choke him out, but when he went out and they were both standing, he just dropped him and then walked over his body like that. It was amazing. It was literally the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life. And the other dude got up like six seconds later like, what the fuck, man? What happened? Didn't you do it? He didn't even realize that it already happened. It was crazy.

Put your hands together for your next comedian. Shmar Mameni Shmikshmala. Shmar Mameni Shmikshmala. Shmar Mameni Shmikshmala. No way, right? I can't be a real person. That's not a real person.

Somebody just wanted to check and see if it really happens. He's coming? Where is he coming from? What? Oh, here we go. It's a female. Put your hands together for Schmur Mini McShmala. Hi.

Up in there. Hi, guys. I'm so happy that you could all be here on a Thursday night. It's Mocan. I know. I didn't think I was going to get called up, so I'm very nervous. But I also want to say that I hate PT cruisers. So your comment earlier was very, it hit me real hard. So in the winter, I am super depressed here.

I feel terrible. And I hate everything. And then in the springtime, I'm just kind here. I feel terrible, and I hate everything. And then in the springtime, I'm just kind of like, oh, my God. Life is a musical. It's wonderful, and I can't believe it. And I don't know. It's been raining all day, and I just can't get over it. Woo! And, yeah.

Okay. Okay. And, yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. Here we are. Shmarmini. Am I saying that right?

Shmarmini, yes. Shmarmini. In the microphone. Shmarmini. Yeah. Shmulla. So, Shmarmini, when you signed up here. Wait, that's a real name?

Sharmony. Sharmony, when you signed up here tonight. Sharmony, yes. Okay, yes. Is that it? Are we going to commit to it? Are you going to change it again? Sharmony?

Shmarmony. Is that what you want it to be? Shmarmony? Yes. Okay, Shmarmony. Okay, let's check in with Deanie real quick. Yeah, I think we should get the father and son back up here and choke her out. Yeah. Yeah.

So let's talk about it, Shmarmini. When you signed up tonight, what did you think was going to happen? I didn't think that I was going to get called. And, like, I know that's an excuse all the time. But what if you did get called? What was going to happen? I was going to talk about PT Cruisers, but then I was kind of, like, I know that's an excuse. So, but what if you did get called? What was going to happen? I was going to talk about PT cruisers, but then I was kind of like running up here

and I was like, I was so depressed this winter. And like, I felt like that was really funny. And then... Shmarmini, have you ever seen a therapist before? Yes, I have. Definitely. Do you talk with them about these things or do you go to the therapist and do 60 seconds of jokes? No, I usually...

This is incredible. It's been a very depressed winter. or do you go to the therapist and do 60 seconds of jokes? No, I usually... This is incredible. It's been a very depressed winter. I hate PT Cruisers. I don't know what's wrong with me, Doc. Help. Yes. By the way, it's PF Cruisers, just so you know.

PT, PT, poor taste cruisers. Poor taste cruisers. Wow. Jesus. I would rather be choked out than what's happening right now. I offer myself as tribute. If she leaves the stage, I'll let one of them choke me out right now. No, come on.

No, stop. Beat Dini. Nobody's choking anybody out Jesus Christ the things that these alright stick with me over here no one's gonna choke you out

no one's choking anybody out no one told you to fucking leave shut up shut your mouth anyway so tell us first of all are you Graham Cox's girlfriend? Did you come here with him?

Did you come here solo tonight? I came here with my family and some friends. Your family? Yeah. You brought your whole family to see you do this? We just thought it'd be fun. Where's your family at? I think they left.

They're gone. No, they're gone. No. Wow. Look at that. No, they're gone. Wow. Look at that. Fucking look at them. This was a bad example of my personality. I'm very sorry. Oh, stop it.

What's a good example of your personality? It's still happening. You can save it still. It's a race to the end of it. It's like terrible. I'm sorry. Oh, my God. Stop apologizing.

You're giving me heart palpitations. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry. Stop saying I'm sorry, Oh, my God. Stop apologizing. You're giving me heart palpitations. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry. Stop saying I'm sorry, Shmarmini. My lights are very bright. I'm not your abusive boyfriend. Stop apologizing to me. Shmarmini, tell us about your life.

We'll figure out things you could talk about next time. This is your first time doing stand-up, right? Yes, of course. Thank fucking God. It was terrible. It was bullshit. I'm sorry. Stop saying I'm sorry.

Do you know Josh Meyerowitz? Do you have no self-control? Anybody ever tell you you have a little fucking touch of autism, huh? Yes. They have? Yes. Are you autistic? No, but I just, I don't know why.

I don't know why I hate PT Cruisers so much. I think about it a lot. It's very, it's fucked up. Oh, my God. Listen, I'm a Canadian, and this has already been way too many stories up here. So, Shmarmini, let's talk about your life, okay? You came here with your family, blah, blah, blah, blah. What does a day in the life of Shmarmini look like?

I work. Yeah, where do you work? In the tip of the microphone, Shmarmini look like? I work. Yeah, where do you work? In the tip of the microphone, Shmarmini. There's two things to remember. In the microphone and no, I'm sorry. I work up the hill at a medical laboratory. Are you one of the patients? No.

Did you escape from an asylum and came down here? I feel like I'm trapped in the Matrix, but no. No. Did you escape from an asylum and came down here? I feel like I'm trapped in the Matrix, but no. No. Are you talking about you're trapped in, what, a straitjacket many days of the week? No. Just the thought that we all have to work all the time. Do you smoke pot? You do.

A little bit. A little bit? Sometimes. Sometimes. Not enough. Have you ever done mushrooms before uh no actually just on a pizza i can tell shmarmini you seem very high strung what do you do for uh what do you do like to relax what do you do to be zen um i guess i should look into that. I don't know.

I don't do much to relax. And that's probably why. What do you do for fun? I'm about to go to Santa Barbara and hang out with family. What are you going to do in Santa Barbara? Jump in the ocean. Yeah? Yeah.

Shmarmony, do you have any cats? What? Do you have any cats? What? Do you have any cats? No. You have walks your cat on a leash face. Do you have a dog? I have three dogs. Three dogs.

Three dogs. Three dog night. Okay. I know, this is painful. So, Shmarmony. Three dogs Three dog night Okay So Shmarmini Tony Yes Real quick It just got pointed out

She actually She walks her cat On a leash This lady right here Sweet No the one that's Pointing and acting What in the world

Are we paying attention to Right now I got a question In the darkness Of a Spokane audience during a live show. I mean, I cannot even fathom what's going on over there. Joelbert. So you seem very sort of like closed off from your emotions, but what's like the dirtiest thing you've ever done in your life?

Like, are you into sex? Like, what kind of crazy shit are you into? I like that. Good question. Shmarmini, right into the tip of that microphone. You like butt stuff or like other things, spit, you know, feet. I feel like I'm just like into monogamy and there's... Yeah, but when you're monogamous, how dirty do you get?

Yeah. I'm not dirty at all. What's something wild about you? What's something that would fucking surprise us, Shmarmini? You ever been titty fucked? Oh, God. Joel, so random. Joel, were you gone when she said

that her family was here? Yeah, I was. That's why it was awesome. Have you ever? By the way, just to paint a picture for the audio listeners, she's wearing a shirt that says, Plinko no Stinko. Yeah, because I went on The Price is Right a long time ago,

and I love this shirt because it was a great day. You got on The Price is Right, or you went to a taping of The Price is Right? I went to a taping, and that was just really fun. Yeah, yeah. They do pre-show interviews for that. There's no way. Unlike us on Kill Tony, that's truly random.

Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What members of your family are present tonight? My brother and a couple of cousins and a friend from work. Who's the leader out of that group? Who brought everybody here? So I actually messaged my friend, my cousin Seth and I was like, I got tickets to kill

Tony and he was like, so did I. And he bought four and I bought five and then we couldn't find, well we found people to come but like no one wanted to fucking come out on a Thursday night at 10pm. Sure, right. We know. That's why we did it at this venue. Right? Right? Yeah.

And so we were just haranguing people to like come to this and we finally all just came here and I put Shmarmony McShmola. Right. Oh, what a goof.

Yeah. You really. That's not a goof. Hilarious. All right. We're going to keep it moving along, Shmarmony. We're not really

getting much out of you, but we love you, Shmarmony. You had the balls to sign up. You had the balls to do whatever the fuck you just did up here. I mean, that we love you, Shmarmini. You had the balls to sign up. You had the balls to do whatever the fuck you just did up here. I mean, that was

just as... I know that... Anyway, let's just forget it. What? People don't want you to be mean, but... My God. Would have been better if she got titty-fucked. I mean, that's just really...

Hey, watch your mouth back there, all right? Boobie fucked. Thank you. I mean, it's always so interesting to me when the people that listen to the show and watch the show, and then they come here and they sign up, even if the 60 seconds goes bad.

Legends were born in the interview portion of this show. It almost says the 60 seconds is just us getting to sort of meet you and how you talk and sort of a little bit about you. To give up and self-destruct during the interview portion. Of course, she started

bombing the second she signed her name as Sharmony McShmulla. Not only did the interview go bad, her sign- Shmarmini McShmulla. Not only did the interview go bad, her sign-up went bad. That's very rare. Okay, pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys ready to cleanse your fucking palates or what, huh?

Put your hands together for Brian Hood. Here we go. Brian Hood. Hey! Hey! Hey! Here he is, Brian Hood, everybody. All right, so I'm sure most of you guys are very familiar with, like, the Purge movies, right? I had a different idea for the Purge. I wondered, like, what if it were possible for every male in the world to ejaculate at the exact same time?

Like, what if that were possible? Because you know that for the next six minutes to an hour, there'd be true peace in the world, right? Like, the sun would be shining, the birds would be chirping, there'd be calm across the universe. But then, of course, there'd be the cleanup. I mean, that's a lot of tissues, towels, and roommates t-shirts is all I'm saying. But on a different note, I'm sure a shared experience you guys have, you'll be driving down the road, right? And you look in your rearview mirror and you're like, oh shit. That's a cop. That's definitely a cop.

It's cool, you know, 10 and 2, go the speed limit, you know. And then it gets a little bit closer and you actually realize it's like a minivan or something. And you're actually pissed off. You're like, how dare you be a minivan? Are you serious? Alright, there was more to that. Is that the end of it? Go ahead. Finish it. And then you hear the screams from the trunk and you're like, you shut your mouth!

I will pull this car over right now and I will slit your throat! I am not kidding! I feel like you guys were with me until that last part. You're all right. You're all good, Brian. Don't panic. Everything's okay. Hi. Hey, what's up? Good. How long have you been doing stand-up?

About three years. Three years. Hell yeah. All here in Spokane, Washington? Mostly, yeah. For sure. Are you born and raised here? No, actually I'm from Tucson, Arizona. Tucson, Arizona. So how'd you end up here? I met my wife on the internet. Really?

Yeah. What website? A website that no longer exists called Stick'Em. Stick'Em? Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool. Or StickCam.

StickCam, yeah. It's like my free cams. It was like a webcam community, yeah. Really? Holy shit. So you're on your web. What are you doing? You just have it pointed at your bare cock and balls just out there?

That was actually not allowed on that website. It was supposed to be just for chatting with people and stuff. And you really were on it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So then you see her in one of the rooms or something. You're like, hey, you want to go to another chat room or something? How does that work?

Okay, so there you go. I mean, generally, I wasn't really looking for anything. I was just kind of talking to people and stuff, so I just went in there and tried to not be weird like the rest of the people that were in there. Can you give us an example of you trying to not be weird? Like, on a chat room? Like, let's say there's a chat camera pointed at you, like, straight from across you there.

I mean, for the most part, well, I wasn't on a webcam most of the time. Like, it would be hosted by, like, the person, and then everybody else would just be, like, in a text chat. Yeah. So I would just kind of shit on everybody else who was being weird, talking about how their cock was shaped like a banana or something weird. And there you are, Mr. Nice Guy, just the white knight in the chat room.

Like, yeah, I'm not like these other guys. I don't even have a webcam. I don't even have a dick. Well, I had both of those things. Eventually that came into play. Where'd you meet her for your first time? Like you went on a date? You met at somewhere?

Well, it was kind of weird, actually. She has like a brother that got given up for adoption. I think I know the guy that adopted him. You do? Yeah. Who was it? Two years old? All right.

Anyway, go ahead. I'm just kidding. Go ahead, Brian. I didn't mean to interrupt you. No, it's fine. And basically, she bought a ticket't mean to interrupt you. No, it's fine. And basically, she bought a ticket for him to come and visit her, and he just flaked on her. So then she only had a certain amount of time to use that ticket, you know, because airlines are shitty.

So she was like, hey, do you want to come and visit me and see how that'll go? So I flew up and was like, sure, I'll move here. That's fine. That'll go fine. So the first time you met her, you flew here. Yeah, yeah. And you saw her in person. Uh-huh. Right?

Yeah, yeah. And you guys have been chatting for how long? It was like five months, something like that. Five months. Yeah, yeah. And at this point, you're talking on the phone a lot, right? Or you still just, you guys stay in the chat room? We did all of it.

We did like the internet and the phone and everything. Wow. We webcammed all that fun stuff. That is so wild. So then you came here. She's like, what's up? You made sure her pussy didn't stink, and then you moved up here. That is an important step, yeah, for sure.

I mean, there's certain things that you can only do in person. You know what I mean? You can't smell through the internet. Until you can smell through the internet. We were pretty sure that we were in love, so we copulated. Yeah, you're in love until we like, you know, copulated. Yeah, you're in love until Smelly Pussy.

Anyway. What happened to you, Tony? No, nothing. I don't know why I'm committing to that. It's so weird. No, there was some weird stuff. I mean,

like it wasn't all roses for sure. Oh, so she did Smelly Pussy after. It wasn't all roses, Tony. It was more like a garbage truck. It smelled like a vagina smells, which I like that. It was more like a garbage truck.

It smelled like a vagina smells, which I like that. There you go. Well, you're used to a Tucson, Arizona vagina, which is a very humid, very warm, worked-up vagina. Unless you hit that right after a shower, that's the old drain the swamp, you know what I'm saying? For sure, for sure. So what else about you, Brian?

What do you do for work? I work for a health and wellness company, which basically just means I sell weight loss pills to people over the internet. So you're not getting high on your own supply? Uh, no. It's a fair assessment. I wouldn't really consider Brian fat. You gotta remember

we're in Spokane. This is like, he's like a featherweight in Spokane. Yeah, that's true. You're right. So, Brian, what's the big difference moving up here? Is there anything fun that you found here that you didn't do in Arizona? Well, there's snow up here

which is pretty different than the desert. What do you do with that? I shovel it begrudgingly for the most part. I don't really ski or anything like Phillip does. I'm not cool like that. What do you do for fun? Ah, shit.

Something on computers or something like that? I mean, I play games, like online games. A little bit of that. Anything else? Anything else fun that you do to get away? You have kids? Yes, I do have kids. How old are your kids?

Four, 14, and 17. Have you told them the romantic story about stickum.com? No, I'm saving that for when they're all over 18, I think. How long have you been with this new Spokane? Well, we've been married for almost 10 years, so I think we've been together for like 12 or something like that.

So the 17 and the 14 different baby mama. Father, yes. They have a different father I married into. Oh! Yeah, yeah. Yes. Very good, Red Band. Fucking nailed it.

Perfect. Absolutely perfect. Wow. They already existed. Let me ask you this. How long into your first chat session did she bring up having a 17 and a 14-year-old? The other one's hers, too? They were not 17 and 14 at the time,

so she never brought it up. She had a 7 and a 4-year-old. They were like 3 and 6, something like that. But the third one, that's you and her? Yes, for sure. And the 17-year-old? As far as I know. 17-year-old, is that a boy or a girl?

They're all boys. All three of them are boys. You close with the boys? The older boys? The ones that aren't yours? Or is it always like, fuck you, Brian. You're not even my real dad. You're just fucking my mom that you found on some dirty fucking chat site.

You mean nothing to me. Stop telling me what to do. You dress like a 12-year-old. Bear's dad trains him in MMA. Yeah. Why can't you be more like Bear's dad, dude? I'm going over there, you idiot. Luckily, they do not know Bear

or his dad. Luckily. I don't know if you see how close you are to getting your ass beat right now. They're looking at it. The dad's flexing. They like wrestling, actually. They probably would be into it, so it's cool. Have you ever gotten into a fight?

Very infrequently. No, not really. I get along with people. How about an argument? What's the last good argument you got into? You ever yell at... You said that airlines are assholes. You ever yell at someone?

I think the last good argument was with a 17-year-old, for sure. Oh, yeah? What was it about? Can you give us some good dirt here? I want to know what it's really like. I think it was something stupid, like he wanted to have his window open in the winter, and we didn't want to pay for the heating,

and he insisted upon having it open. So he smokes weed. Yeah, probably. His bedroom window. Nah, definitely cigarettes and vape and everything else that teenagers think are cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Does he vape? Have you found his vape yet? I have broken a couple vapes with a hammer, yeah. Why'd you break them? Send them my way. Because you're one of those dads. Yeah. Man, you're not even his real dad, dude.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Brian, I'm kidding. They get real hot when you smash them with a hammer. Let them vape. I love it. Well'm kidding, I'm kidding, Brian, I'm kidding. They get real hot when you smash them with a hammer. He's not, let him vape. I love it.

Well, Brian, congratulations. I love the fact that not only are, I mean, you know, anybody who's a real fucking dad is the highest type of hero in the world to me. So congratulations to you. Great set tonight. Thanks for signing up. Comedy vet. You guys want to go back to this bucket

one more time. You guys still having fun? You sure you're not too exhausted for this? Put your hands together for Dylan Swinford, everybody. Dylan Swinford, everybody. Dylan Swinford. Right over there. One more time for your final comedian of the night, Dylan Swinford. What's up everybody? So yesterday a doctor told me that I can't work any high impact

any impact jobs so I can't work any physical jobs anymore so if this doesn't work out I'm fucked and I'll probably just kill myself tonight. But anyways, a lot of little things piss me off, and they shouldn't. When I'm riding a plane and I see somebody praying on takeoff, it bugs me. You don't have faith in the pilot. That's scary that you would get on a plane and not have faith in the pilot. It's fucked up. And also, your method for takeoff and landing should not be the same as mine for my pull-out method.

It's really fucked up. Thanks, guys. All right. Dylan Swinford. First time on stage? First time. Fuck yeah. How about a hand for him, everybody?

He's signed up. It's not easy up here. I promise you that. So, Dylan, is that true that the doctor told you you can't work a high-impact job yesterday? Very true. What happened? What does that mean? I have a disc. Herniated disc?

Bad disc? It's degenerating. Right. Which means it's disappearing. Yeah. Which means by either 30 or 60, I'm going to have a vertebrae fused. Right. Which is bad.

Right. You're going to be fine. My mom went through that when I was a kid. Awesome. She survived. What did she do for a living? Well, it wasn't that. Her injury came because she got hit in a hit and run

from a guy that just stole a car at like 90 miles an hour. Her car rolled six times, and she survived. I was only one year old at the time. I wasn't in the car. I'm a bitch. I skipped that trip. Go fuck yourself, Mom. I'm not going to die with you.

My mom. Can I tell you a funny Go fuck yourself, mom. I'm not going to die with you. My mom... Can I tell you a funny story? Sure, absolutely. Now's a good time to start telling funny stories right now. My mom's real mom died when she was one year old in a car crash. It was a rollover and my mom was in it. Oh, that's hilarious. Real mom.

And it rolled over. That's not a funny story. Wow, this guy's a real mom. And it rolled over. That's not a funny story. Wow, this guy's a real goof up here. Trying to think of the funny part. A lot of goofs in Spokane. Your mom's real mom died when she was one? Yeah. In a car crash. How did your mom's mom die when

she was one? In a rollover crash. I know what you're saying, but how could she be one? How could she be one? How could she be one? My mom was one. Oh. I apologize. Okay.

All right. It's like I'm not a professional or something. Right. Oh. Okay. I get it now. It's way funnier, yeah. So Dylan, it's your first time doing this.

My mom was one. You literally found out yesterday that you can't work a high-impact job. So what was your job up until this point? I worked in a warehouse. You worked in a warehouse. What are you going to do, man? What's the plan? Talked about killing yourself. Let me tell you something. Only great comedians kill themselves.

So you can't do that. Can't do that. What are some options for you, Dylan? What are you thinking about? Do you have any ideas yet? Maybe sails? Yeah. Some sort of sails show?

Sure. You mean like boats? I seriously thought you were going to ask suicide options. If you were going to kill yourself, how would you do it, Dylan? Probably hanging. No, okay. Let's stop. Let's stop right now.

Don't kill yourself. Whatever you do, you're going to be fine. You're going to be fine. Don't be a degenerate like a disc in your back so sales what do you think you could sell what do you think you'd be good at selling what's something that you like what's something that you know stuff about I could ever imagine doing selling or anything like that would be stage time for music or comedy or something. Stage time for music or comedy.

What do you mean? Like a booker or something like that? Like a booker of sorts. Do you have any experience in that field? Absolutely none. You know what? After this show, I'm going to ask the owner of the Spokane Comedy Club if he wants you to start booking the comedy club. Let's see what happens.

He's never going to hire you in a million years. But I'm going to ask anyway just so that he can be like, pfft. All I'm good for is driving a forklift, so it's good. No, you're going to be fine, Dylan. You've got to look at this as a new beginning. Clearly with all these fucking names in this bucket, you're very, hey, Mr. Nice Guy, can you help me out? Yeah, I'm going back to you. going back to you. Clearly with all these names in the bucket, you know,

you're and you finding out yesterday that you literally can't work in the only thing that you know about that field anymore. I would take it as sort of a sign that like it's the start of new beginnings. You know, this set was fucking hot diggity dog shit tonight, but 98%

of everybody's favorite comedians first sets were hot diggity dog shit. So it could be this. It could be something else. But please, Dylan, keep a fucking open mind. Have fun. Have fun with life. Enjoy it. Don't let this fucking news that... I've never imagined seeing anyone so

sad that they won't be allowed to work in a warehouse ever again. Look at the positives of this thing and have fun with it. The picture of destiny picked you tonight. Alright, there he goes, Dylan Swinford. What do you guys think? Should we go back to this pitcher one more fucking time?

But this is it. I swear to God, this is it. Are you sure you want to do this? There goes Dylan, everybody. Oh, my God, he just shot himself. Oh, twice. He shot himself three times. Alright, we could end it with that, with that heartfelt ending. Are you guys sure

you want to do this one more time? Alright. This is it. Mr. Nice Guy, you want to fucking do it? This is what you get for being a nice guy. The first ever audience member to pick a name out of the bucket in the history of the show. And the name that he selected is your final comedian of the night, who is Phil Husted, everybody. Phil Husted from right here. There he is. The Pitcher of Destiny sends us home with Phil Husted,

live from the first ever Kill Tony in Spokane, Washington. So I suffer from depression clinically which actually if you think about it depression is like the shittiest of the mental health issues it really is look at the schizophrenics at least they got someone to talk to get advice from

you got the bipolar folks sure they get a little down sometimes but they get those cool, euphoric highs. They don't have to smoke nearly as much weed as I do. I mean, even psychopaths. Sure, they get a little violent and murdery at times, but, you know, at least they're focused. Driven.

No, I think my depression, maybe it comes from my childhood. You know, when I was like 11 years old, my brother died in a terrible accident. Yeah. Thank you. No, yeah, he fell asleep behind the wheel of his car.

Now, fortunately at the time, the car wasn't moving, but unfortunately the hose from the exhaust pipe to his window didn't help his situation at all. No. Well, can I say, mental health issues in my family are about as rare as three-leaf clovers. Alright, alright. Alright, I love it, Phil.

True set there. You started with depression joke and ended with a suicide joke. That's the full... There was a theme, I thought. Hell yeah. Phil, do I know you? How do I fucking know you?

We hung out the last time you were here a couple times. Really? Were you in the audience? What was it? I was right up here. You roasted me. That's what it was. And then we hung out outside.

Fuck yeah. What did I call you? Like Walter Whitecake or something like that? Look at you. There was a Burt Kreischer reference in there. Burt Kreischer? Burt Kreischer's rotting corpse or something? I can't even imagine. I lost a little weight since then.

You did? I barely recognized you. That's alright. Mythbusters on a golf course? Mythbusters on a golf course I missed that Fuck yeah Mythbusters on a golf course So Phil Tell us more about you

Do you do stand up? Yeah Well when I met you I hadn't done stand up I told you that if you did come here, I would sign up for sure. But Kill Tony is what got me into it. I did my first stand-up last summer, and then since January, I've been hitting it hard. Very fucking cool. I love it.

Is all your material based on depression? No. Most of it's really perverted gross, actually. Can you give us a short perverted joke that you've written? Oh, shit. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

So... On the spot. No. Okay. What if it's my pursuit of happiness is missionary style? And, of course, by missionary style, I mean going door-to-door preaching the benefits of autoerotic asphyxiation. Excuse me, I was doing something earlier. I was a little lightheaded.

What, cocaine? Oh, I see. You choked because you were choking yourself earlier. If you were choking... Anyway, okay. Yeah, why does this guy look like the assistant manager of a haunted bowling alley? He does. Maybe bowl...

All right. So, Phil, tell us more about you. What do you do for work? Well, for 18 years, I was a software engineer. Software engineer. Yeah. And then a couple years ago, I basically actually did have kind of a mental health crisis, and I took the last couple years off, and now I'm just kind of getting back into things. I love it.

Are you willing to talk a little bit about your mental health crisis? Sure. What happened exactly? I was just living a life that was just miserable. I didn't like myself or my life very much, so I decided to make a change and make my life better. And you're happy now. Yeah. I love that. And you're happy now. Yeah.

I love that. Fucking love this shit. What are some of the things that bring you joy in life, Phil? Stand-up is a big one. Of course. Obviously. Yeah. I just do stuff that makes me happy.

I started to learn how to play the guitar. Actually, doing the mixed open mics and stuff, I actually perform music, too. Really? You do a little musical comedy? I haven't done musical comedy yet. Oh, you just perform a little bit of music and sometimes comedy. Yeah, I'm learning the guitar, so I get up there and play a little bit. Look at you.

Oh, yeah, I remember you doing music when you were the lead singer of Blues Traveler. Suck it in, suck it in, suck it in. If only I could play the harmonica that good. Yeah. That's fun, Phil. What a fun, compelling story. You have a girlfriend? I do not. Last date you were on, what's the situation there?

Oh, that was last... Shit, that was last summer. Last summer. I wish I could say I know what you did last summer, but... You know what I didn't do? What? Go to the gym? That too. You're adorable, Phil. You're such a

likable fucking guy. I mean, look at you. I can't even figure it out. You look like you do taxes under bridges. I mean, it's just incredible. It's interesting, though. You're just an interesting guy. What happened with the date? Where did you meet her?

That was... I think I met her online, and then we went out. She's still kind of a friend. What? Dini? Stickum.com? No, I wasn't aware, but now I know what I'm doing later tonight. Oh, look out. Instead, you could have finished writing all the Game of Thrones books,

but now you're going to get distracted. you could have finished writing all the Game of Thrones books but now you're going to get distracted Phil I find your story so fucking cool and interesting man I think and you talked about having a mental breakdown and I think a lot more people have those and are

a little bit more sad and a little bit more fucked up than they admit quite often and it's something that I think people are really afraid to talk about but you mention that and you mention pulling yourself out of the deep end and that is so

fucking cool dude that's incredible one thing I learned is for a guy as heavy as you to pull yourself out of the deep end of anything is incredible it's like pulled pork. And, yeah, to think at all that the whole way that that started for you, that your life began to change once you met me and hung out with me after seeing me do stand-up. You know what I mean?

I think it just goes to show that anybody who I hang out with turns into a fucking winner. It was all you guys. Kill Tony is what got me into doing stand-up. There you go. 100%. Absolutely. Well, we love you, Phil. Thanks for sharing your story. Thanks for closing out tonight's episode. Bill Husted, everybody. How fucking cool

is that? Good pool, dude. Very good. And that is Kill Tony live from Spokane, Washington. We're going to be signing posters right over there on that fucking side. Right there in just a few minutes. Signing posters, taking pictures, shaking hands. We're doing it all with you and for you because we love you, Spokane. I've done stand-up here a great many times, and I had to bring Kill Tony here.

I'm so glad that we had this kind of fun. Thanks for coming late on a Thursday. Very late show. Let's talk about it. How about one more time for the great Jeremiah Watkins, Dini, ladies and gentlemen. He's got Jeremiah

Wonders, a new episode out with Jason Tebow and new episodes coming out with the whole crew of Kill Tony. We do interviews on the road. Follow his YouTube page at Jeremiah Watkins. Follow him on social media at Jeremiah's Stand Up. Listen to his podcast, Jeremiah Wonders. Buy the album on pre-sale for Reagan and Watkins.

It comes out June 7th, but you can pre-order it now on iTunes. And if you're listening from Los Angeles, come to the album release party on June 6th at the Comedy Store. Anything else, Jeremiah? I just want to say I love you guys. Thanks for coming out. He loves you. He fucking loves you. Spokane.

How about one more time for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody? An artist that is officially sponsored by Ludwig Drums. He's on social media at mostly. Sorry. Anything you want to tell these people is Spokane is first time ever in Spokane, Washington. We love you.

Thanks so much for coming out. Peace out. How about one more time for the great Brian red band, everybody. Thanks a lot guys. Hey, and how about one more round of applause for the host, Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, wow, that's so nice of you.

That's so nice. Thank you, Spokane. We love you. Take care of yourselves, and we'll see you over there, and if not, we'll see you next time. We love you. Good night. Good night.

Good night.ご視聴ありがとうございましたmememe me me me me me me me

me me me me me me me me

me me me mememememe Thank you.