KILL TONY - KILL TONY #353 - SEATTLE #1

Episode Date: May 26, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 05/20/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website deathsquad.tv There you have every past episode including video portions to the show.

If you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. We're at the Comedy Store every Monday in the main room at the World Famous Comedy Store. And we're on the road. We're about to finish our summer tour. We have a bunch of dates still left. And we're going to be starting on June 7th in Lawrence, Kansas. Then we're in Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, New York

and we finish in Brooklyn at the Skank Fest. If you want tickets go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates Also, Ryan J. Ebelt the house artist, he has a website, he draws all the posters, go to RyanJEbelt.com Tony Hinchcliffe has

his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com there you can follow everything Golden Pony. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There you have a couple of the Kill Tony t-shirts left, a bunch of Death Squad hats and shirts and mugs. Go to ShopSquad.tv. And now here's

a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from Chop Suey in Seattle, Washington for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcliffe. Seattle, we're here. Make some fucking noise. Good evening. Welcome. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. It's Brian Redman, everybody. Hey, everybody. We are live here from Chop Suey. This is very exciting for the first ever Kill Tony from Seattle, Washington.

How exciting is this? As live as it gets. Got a tiny table, tiny stage. We're all cozy. You guys cozy out there too, huh? I'm excited about this episode. This is our final city on the first leg of our summer tour. We have had a busy, busy, busy fucking week.

We've been all around the Pacific Northwest, and we're closing it out with you. Two sold out shows here in Seattle, Washington before we go on to the fucking next one. It's incredible how busy we've been. So much fun.

And it continues the first week in June. It goes on and on. We go to Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Nebraska, Des Moines, Iowa, Chicago, Illinois, Poughkeepsie, and it closes out in New York City. A bunch of other places, too. Go to DeathSquad.TV, TonyHinchcliffe.com. You can basically go to Google. You can go fucking anywhere

and get tickets for those shows. But then the new Reagan and Watkins album comes out June 7th. That's very exciting. You could pre-order that now at ReaganandWatkins.com. A band that was born and bred right here on this show. Right out of Kill Tony. Those guys met

each other and started working with each other. Very exciting stuff. Yeah. We go guest list on these shows. There's a staircase right down the... Actually, no. You have to... Just a heads up. If you get pulled out at any point, you have to go that way

and all the way that way. So no matter where, do not climb on the front of the stage. You have to go that way and a guy will show you how to get back here. Anyway, we go guest list on these shows. However, we did just so happen to bring a band with us, everyone.

It's very exciting stuff. You know them, you love them. They're the best damn band in the land. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. I never know what they're going to be. They had a different dressing room tonight and started getting ready. And sometimes it's the return of some of their great characters that we all know and love. Sometimes it's a brand new character,

like we saw referees this week, puppeteers in Vegas. Could be anything. Maybe they debut a new character here. Maybe it's the return of one of our favorites. You never know what they're going to be, what they're going to do, but they're my favorite thing in all of comedy. Two of my funniest friends. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you.

You guys like bands here in Seattle? I think I've heard that before. Put your hands together for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band, Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody. Let's see what they are tonight. This is exciting. Whoa.

Whoa. Wait, what? What in the world? Whoa. What in the world? Oh, my goodness. I don't think we've ever seen these characters before. But I have a feeling I might know what this is. Are you Southern Bells? We just go to Southern Bells.

Oh, wow. Seattle, you get a brand new debut of characters. We have Jeremiah, who, wow. Oh, God. Oh, my God. That is wild. This is some kind of like hillbilly Khaleesi here. And then back here, we have the Wicked Witch of Mexico, it appears.

My goodness. Hello. Hello, band. What's your name, young beautiful woman? Oh, my name's Annabelle, Tony. Annabelle. And how about you? Were you Taco Bell?

Tony. Sorry, Tony Chance. I love that kind of humor You gonna let a lady talk? Annabelle Ann what's your name sweetheart? You're not gonna believe this It's Taco Bell Taco Bell Jezebel It's my full name

Taco Bell I love it Taco Isn't that. I love it, Taco. Isn't that sweet? I love it. These are... I can already... Every once in a while, I know when I instantly fall in love with characters,

and this is one of those times already. Right now. Joel just looks like a transgender fisherman right now. I can't really... Fucking incredible. I'm excited about now. I can't really. Fucking incredible. I'm excited about this. We have the band. We have Red Band.

And we have right here what was a custom-made Seattle Bucket of Destiny. Hell yeah. This was made by Kill Tony fan Colleen Callahan here in Seattle. Thank you, Colleen. There she is right there. Fucking awesome. We appreciate it. In all these different cities, people have been making us buckets.

This is amazing. And we had a lot of people sign up tonight on numerous different sign-up sheets. I had to cut all around a bunch of fucking names to get them in there. And you guys know how it works. Like I said, the only entrance possible. So if you're all the way over there, you have to come up and across and then go around. You'll see. There's a cool guy over there helping us out. How about a shout out to the

amazing staff here at Chop Suey. Having us come here, keeping us safe. Cool people. And you know how it works. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds and then we talk to you about anything in the world. We find out more about you and what makes you interesting. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Aw, isn't that cute? That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out

the angry Capitol Hill bear. A.K.A. the diesel bar bear. I was told that... Oh, you guys do know that reference, huh? It's unbelievable. The pony bar bear. The manager here actually told me I was told that, oh, you guys do know that reference, huh? It's unbelievable. The pony bar bear. The manager here actually told me that connected to us,

this place literally connected is a bear bar. Did you guys know that? Is it open? Literally, yes. The place literally connected here. It's just a bunch of dudes that look like you, Red Band, all fucking each other. All butt fucking. And by the way,

this hit me a little bit ago that's really crazy, but I have to say before even the start of the show, this is very special to have two sold-out shows here, not only because, whatever, because we're here, but also because we're going up against probably the most watched television show of all time tonight, the Game of Thrones finale, so I just want to let

you know how much we fucking appreciate you being here while the because it's basically fucking nerd Super Bowl out there. So we just appreciate you being here. Don't worry. I'll give you guys spoilers throughout the whole entire show. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. All right. Let's fucking do this shit.

You guys ready to start the show it's the first ever kill tony seattle washington with southern bells brian redband and fucking seattle people let's get this goddamn show started we've had some crazy ones this week portland was out of fucking control vancouver was insane and they they both said, there's no way Seattle's gonna be better than us. Can you believe that? These motherfuckers. Well, let's find out. Let's get it going with a good start here. Put your hands together for your

first comedian. One word name. Travis, everybody. Wow, here he comes. Oh, yeah, right in the front row. Hey. One, two, three. Jeremy Slogan. Hey. Hey, one, two, three Jeremy Spogan Hey Yeah, here he is, Travis, everybody.

What's up, Travis? I really hope this goes better than the last time. I teach kindergarten. I know I look like I shouldn't. I'm fielding crazy questions all day long. The other day, a group of kids came up to my desk, and they were all like, can you email God for us?

And I was like, ask your parents. That's usually my go-to, but sometimes they just don't buy into my bullshit. The other day, this teacher, Miss McKibbins, was in my room, and picture Aphrodite from the show, but Caucasian. So she's meandering about because she's on her planning period, and this boy walks up to my desk, and he's like, David won't stop talking about how big Miss McKibbin's butt is.

And I go over, and I'm like, David, you've got to stop. And he just looks at me, and he's like, David won't stop talking about how big Miss McKibbin's butt is. And I go over and I'm like, David, you gotta stop. And he just looks at me and he's like, her butt is huge. And he walks over and he stands next to it and he's like... Fuck yeah. Travis.

Did it go better than last time? Yeah. It did? Man, last time must have been god fucking awful. What just happened here? Did somebody die? You just told us a half of some fucking little kid's story? We had to know Miss McKibbin is named Miss McKibbin?

What the fuck did that have to do with the story? What the hell are you talking about, Travis? Why are you dressed like an off-duty relief pitcher? You've been on this show before? Yeah, last summer I got up in LA. Ah. Jeez, what the fuck happened there?

Remind us of what happened. I basically couldn't get any words out. I just went as fast as I could. And actually, before my set, you know, I took a minute and I was standing here and afterwards you guys were like, were you praying? But when I was walking up, my left arm started getting numb and I started getting tunnel

vision. And I started talking to my friend who's a nurse after and he was like, yeah, I think you had a mild heart attack. Wow. Man. He was like, take some aspirin before you get up again. It would have been probably a better set if you had an all-out heart attack. That probably would have, we would have remembered you. I had no idea you've even been on the show before.

Had I known that, I would have been like, oh, there's the guy with the fucking heart attack. How about Annabelle over there? What do you got for this guy? Yeah, you want a mild heart attack, just try a piece of my peach pie. Oh, look at that. Yeah, I bet. My vagina. I think she wants you to butter her breakfast.

What would you do with Annabelle? What would be your first move with a beautiful woman like that? What's your go-to? Would you suck on her Adam's apple or what? What would you do there? I got apple pie too. Oh shit. She doesn't wear shoes either. Look at that. Look at those beautiful feet.

Do you have a foot? Show them. Put those feet up in the air for him. Oh god. Travis, you like sucking on toes, huh? Size 19 and women. What would be your go-to move?

What's your first move with a woman like that? It's got to be all class. Yeah? So what, you take her back to your school room or something like that? What do you mean class? The fuck? It all goes back to kids with you. Who are you teaching, by the way?

Kindergarteners? Is that what you said? That's true, yeah. Really? I'll teach him a lesson or two. Wow. How long have you been teaching kindergarten? From the Lord, the book of the Bible.

That's how I'll teach him. He needs to get right with the Lord. This is my first year. It's your first time teaching kindergarten, so you're just as fucking new as they are. Yeah, yeah. You're all just like, Hey, fuck you, Mr. Fucking Travis.

What were you doing before teaching kindergarten? I taught special education, and before that I taught university. How do you go from university to special education to kindergarten? Like, what did you do to get put on fucking academic probation? You're not really cut out for university. We're going to send you down to the, yeah, those ones. Can you please stop moving? You're making me nervous.

Yeah. It's too much aspirin in you. Did you teach them or did special education teach you? So what? How long did you work with special ed? I did special ed last year and for like a half a year before that. Yeah. So about a year and a half.

Bless your heart. And what were you doing with them exactly? How do you teach special ed? Like what the fuck do you do? Like don't drool, Tom. It's like a lot of teaching people how to calm down or like if they have too much energy. You need to calm down. What the fuck?

What are we talking about here? Like why are you doing that? Just stand still. Can I try something? Breathe. Yes, Annabelle. Oh, shit. Oh, my goodness.

What's happening here? Whoa. Oh, a little southern comfort for you there. Look at that. Hell, yeah. That'll make you ride as rain and hard as rocks. Oh, my goodness. Look at that. Hell yeah. That'll make you ride as rain and hard as rocks. Oh my goodness. Look at that. Have you ever been touched like that

from a woman that looks like Thor? Have you, Travis? Have you ever been touched by a woman? Yeah. Yeah, you have? Really? You have a girlfriend now? No. No, no, no. What? Stop. How long you have? Really? You have a girlfriend now? No, not yet. I'm single. What? Stop.

How long have you been single for? I mean, I was seeing a girl on and off a little bit. We were watching Game of Thrones together, but we didn't make it through episode four. Wow. Jeez Louise. My goodness. What happened?

Where did things go wrong? Stop. I have commitment issues. You do? So What happened? Where did things go wrong? Stop. I have commitment issues. You do? So what happened? I got divorced last year in March. So I've been like not really dating. Wow.

How long were you married for? Almost two years. Uh-huh. Yeah. So what happened there? She promised when we first got married that she wouldn't try to make me move back to Korea with her. And then she was like, we have to move back to Korea. Oh, my God.

She's 100% Korean? 100%. And she was, man, even she does take out, huh? She wanted to take you to go. You come back to Korea with me. I can't stay with you here. All you do is wobble back and forth in kitchen floor. You never stay still.

I can't stand it anymore. You're like the worst vibrator ever. Actually, yeah, in Korea, it's considered bad luck if you can't stop moving. Yeah, it's annoying as fuck. Travis, you are my son-in-law. We teach you how to meditate. The way you move,

very bad rock. Tell us more, Travis, about this Korean chick. How'd you get married? How long did you know her before you got married? We met in grad school, and I knew her for maybe two years before we got married. You knew her for two years, you just said. What does that mean? Were you

dating the whole time? No, we were dating the whole time. We dated for about a year. And then, why'd you get married so fast? mean were you dating the whole time no we were dating the whole time we did it for about a year we about a year and then uh how'd uh why'd you get married so fast what made you want to do that i saw that trump was for sure gonna get elected and i was like uh before immigration laws start getting really crazy we should try and get out ahead of this yes you saw that trump was gonna get elected so you married her. Now that is a good, strong man right there. I'm so confused. So you wanted to keep her... You were afraid that she was going to get kicked out of America.

Right, because you know Trump hates those Koreans. He talks about it all the time. He's talking about the Koreans. The rapists. I'm looking for a husband right now if you want to keep me in this country. Uh-oh. Heck yeah. If you want to keep me in this country. Uh-oh. Heck yeah.

If you want to think outside the bun, visit my girl Taco Bell. I'll make you run for the border, sweet thing. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. I think I see a gordita hanging out of her dress right now. Oh, my God. Wow. So how did you know it was over? What happened? Oh, my God.

Wow. So how did you know it was over? What happened? I mean, we tried to make it work, but I wasn't going to live in Korea. I mean, they work six-day weeks, and she works 12-hour days. It's nuts. What does she do for 12 hours a day? She teaches, too.

Wow. What does she teach? English. English? A Korean that teaches English? Two other Koreans. Yeah. It helps. That just sounds wrong.

Oh my god. I don't know if I can take this guy rocking around anymore, Tony. He's driving me fucking crazy. It seems to really be bothering you. The podcast listeners are going to be listening to this asking what the hell is Red Band talking about the entire time. He's definitely wobbling. He can't stop moving.

He's trying his hardest right now. He's really, he's focused on one thing and one thing only, and it's not moving. Have you ever been tied up? Like, seriously. Like, have you ever been tied up? No, usually I tie people up. Yeah, who do you tie up?

Uh, what? No one now. Oh. Oh. Wow, wow. Geez, I think we have another Green River killer up here. Is that a Seattle reference? Is that close?

Hey, booyah. Fuck yeah. He looks like he's constantly playing soccer with an imaginary friend. Or Pilates or something. My God. All right, Travis. Well, I'm glad it went better than last time. But fuck yeah, maybe we'll see again. There he goes.

Travis, everybody. Yeah. There he goes. He can go right home and go to sleep without even having to change his clothes. Straight into... He's got his little Adidas jogging pants on and his fucking

Alcatraz breakout shirt. Fuck yeah, there he goes. Right back to obscurity. I love it. Does he move when he sits down, I wonder? Yeah, his shoulders keep wobbling and shit. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Ashton Surmack.

Ashton Surmack. Oh, here he comes from right here. Heck yeah. Oh, there's a little middle aisle way there, huh? Oh, that's cool. That's a little walkway. Hey, hey, hey, hey. One more time for Ashton Surmack.

I can have this up here, right? Okay, fair enough. If a tree falls in the woods on a deaf guy, does it make a sound? Turns out it does. It kind of goes, and then there's like a splattering, crunching kind of noise.

It's really unpleasant. I'm a little old fashioned, like as a dude, like I like analog shit. I'm from Seattle, I buy records and stuff, and I write on a typewriter. I actually put some of my jokes on a typewriter, and my girlfriend was like staring at me, like really lovingly, like while I was writing

on this typewriter, like giving me those bedroom eyes, and I couldn't figure out why. It was like, and it occurred to me, and I couldn't figure out why. And it occurred to me, oh, it's the one device where she knows for 100% fact I'm not talking to other women. I went to college to be a journalist because I took too much acid in community college and thought I was going to be the next Hunter S. Thompson.

That didn't pan out well. But I really believed in the power of ideas and spreading the truth. And besides, what the fuck else am I going to use to start my barbecue? How will I bring meat home from the butcher shop? Fuck yeah. All right.

Ashton Sermon. You are saying that correctly. Thank you. Hell yeah. I'm in the writer's guild. So Ashton, let's talk about it. You've done stand-up comedy before, right? Like eight or nine years ago.

Seven or eight years ago when I was in college, I did a lot of open mics, but I've been dormant and busy figuring out life and jobs and employment and being in bands and shit since then. Wow, that's a lot. This is like my welcome back, I guess. Heck yes. This is your first time in like eight years doing it. Seven or eight years, yeah.

Wow. And then so what did you just say you went through? All that work? Like work, jobs, employment, band. What did you do in a band? I played in a band around Seattle called Red Roulette for a little while. It's okay. No one's heard of them.

Don't worry. What did you do in the band? I'm a drummer. Really? Oh, shit. Yikes. Wow. Like that guy.

Let's talk a little bit more. Like the lovely Miss Taco Bell back here. Let's just talk a little bit more. What do you do for work now? I'm an electrician. You're an electrician? Yeah. Wow.

A lot of proud electricians out there. My main man, Mike Pelias, is here in the second or third row who got me the job. What is this, an R&B radio station? Are you giving shout-outs right now? The fuck? Annabelle. Yes, I like how he's known more in Seattle as an electrician than as a drummer.

Red Roulette, I got nothing. Electrician, half the place went fucking ape shit. Wow. My goodness. I liked your jokes, man. I like the way you did it. You stayed comfortable. You seem extremely comfortable. I mean, look how you're standing there, just being calm.

Look at that. I love it. You have your drink up here. If the other guy came up here with a drink, it would be all over the floor right now. Annabelle? Yes, anybody ever told you you look like Theon Greyjoy with the palsy? I have never heard that, but thank you. He also looks like Trevor from the latest Grand Theft Auto. Thank you.

Holy shit. Like as he goes through the game. I love selling meth. Wow, look at that. I'm just kidding. I don't do that but I do like that game I have no idea what you nerds are talking about

you don't have a PS4 down there in the south I have a typewriter still there's nothing wrong with that any chance either one of you Southern Bells is from Alabama? I want to know your thoughts on the abortion situation. By abortion, I don't mean the first comedian tonight's set.

Oh, look at him. He's laughing. Oh, no, he's just convulsing. Anyway. What else, Ashton? What else about you? You have a girlfriend? How long have you been with her?

I do. I have a girlfriend. I've been with her probably coming up on a year now. Yeah. Actually, not probably. It's going to be like June or July 3rd. July 3rd. She's here right now, so I'm really blowing it by saying this.

By saying what? What do you think she'd be mad about? By being June or July 3rd for our first date. I think she's going to be okay. I mean, I know you Seattle people can get a little emotional, but I think she's going to be just fine. I think she'll toughen up. And how long has it been?

June, July? But for how long? For about a year. Oh, okay. Where'd you guys meet? June, July, but for how long? For about a year. Oh, okay.

Where'd you guys meet? We met like eight or nine or ten years ago at Folklife, which is like a kind of hippie fest type thing here in Seattle. Yeah, absolutely. We met back in like 2008. Wait, wait, wait. A hippie thing here in Seattle? Oh, yeah. No, I know this is a radical idea to you, but it does happen.

Wow. Yeah. Monday through Sunday? Is that what the fuck you're talking about? No, just weeknights after seven. Hell yeah. So what, do people wear more flannel on those days? They bust out the rainbow shit.

So it's been years since you've done stand-up, and I find you to be so calm and interesting. You know, you had a fun set tonight. What do you say we have a little Mexican drum off? This is the first Joel goes backstage until I bring him back out. This is the first Mexican

drum off on the Pacific Northwest entire tour. We haven't had one. I feel like it's been weeks since our last Mexican drum off. If you guys don't know, maybe it's your first time seeing or being at a Kill Tony, but here's

how it works. This is a part of the show where someone with experience in drumming takes on the drummer, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez in a competition. It's isolated drum solos for as long as they want to go and any way they want to do it. And if they win,

if our friend Ashton Cermak here wins, by the way, he becomes the new drummer of Kill Tony. That means he plays drums on the second show tonight, tomorrow night at the Comedy Store with guest Doug Benson. He's the full-time drummer. And Joel has to fuck his girlfriend.

He has to stay here in Seattle and fuck his girlfriend. And let me remind you that it's all about comedy and drumming. It's about overall performance. It's about showmanship. It's about going out there. It's about overall performance. It's about showmanship. It's about going out there. It's about taking chances. And it's about the actual drum competition itself. Joel is very defensive.

He has said many times he will die up here defending his throne. So are you ready to go for it? Ladies and gentlemen, doing the Mexican drum off, having a chance at becoming the new Kill Tony drummer, I present to you Ashton Sermak, everyone. Here we go. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Oh, wow. All right. Wow. There's his performance, Ashton Sermak. All right, Ashton, come back up here and stand next to that stool. That was pretty good. Stand right between that stool and that far symbol.

Oh, they were a little bit more that way. Right there, a little bit that way. That way, that way, that way. Yep, right there. And now, ladies and gentlemen gentlemen i present to you defending his throne undefeated all times in mexican drum offs the drummer of the kill tony band the one and only joelberg joel jimenez Wow, he's got a devil's mask and women's underwear on. This is incredible. Joel, just sit down.

Come on, just sit down when you do that. Joel, sit down. Sit behind the truck. What the fuck are you doing? Don't worry about it. Ladies and gentlemen, defending his throne, the one and only Joel Birchall. worry about it. Ladies and gentlemen, defending his throne, the one and only Joel Berg.

Joel. Uh-oh. He turned my snare off. This guy's trying to sabotage me. He's turned off his snare. Wow. For those of you listening to the podcast, Joel Berg's space needle is sticking out right now. ¶¶

¶¶ I just saw his asshole. Wow! Holy shit! For those of you listening, he somersaulted over the drums, ripped off his luchador mask, literally went balls to the walls here. That is incredible. Maybe a larger size of women's underwear next time, Shawl.

Yeah. Wow, that was incredible. Who has Ashton Sermak winning that Mexican drum off? A round of applause out there. Ooh, Ashton, I got bad news for you. Who's got Joel Berg winning that one? Wow. And still the reigning defending Kill Tony drummer Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

I am not worthy. But I'll tell you this, Ashton, you had some fun jokes up here, and for a guy that took a seven, eight year long break, fucking great performance. Welcome back. Keep on doing it, man. Keep doing it, man. Work it out. Ashton Cermak, everybody. He's on Twitter at Ashton Cermak.

Hell yeah. That's how you fucking do it right there, huh? I had a ball. Yeah, I saw it. That's incredible. I got them hangers, dude. You shave your balls pretty decently, too. You're welcome. Yeah.

My God. As a good lady in the South should. Jesus. Taco Bell, I saw your fucking burrito bowl. I saw a couple of cinnatoys. And a chalupa. Let's make it a supreme, dude. You guys having fun out there?

All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Very good handwriting on this. I appreciate great handwriting. Put your hands together for Jerry Wheeler, everyone. Here we go. Hey! Hey!

Watch them go. Watch them go. Superman that hoe. There he is. Jerry Wheeler, everyone. Watch them go, watch them go. That's Superman. Superman, that hoe. Hey. There he is. Jerry Wheeler, everyone. He knew I was coming up. He set the microphone just my height.

That's good. So I'm a germaphobe. People think it's weird. But I just think it's weird when people don't wash their hands after they use the bathroom. If you come to my house to use the bathroom and you grab the lid, lift it up, you touch your private parts to do your business, you close the lid, hit the handle to flush, turn around and walk right past the sink without washing your hands, don't walk directly in the living room and stick your hand in my bag of gummy bears. Call me weird. Call me weird.

Call me weird. They say when you have unprotected sex with somebody, it's just like sleeping with every single person that they've had unprotected sex with. So, after you manhandle your meat and you stick your hand in my bag and finger fuck all my little gummy bears, when I go to enjoy the gummy flavor,

it's kind of like I just sucked your dick. I don't know about you guys, but I don't like cock-flavored gummy bears. Call me weird. I'm Jerry Wheeler. That's my time. Hell yeah. Bump, bump, bump.

Fuck yeah. Hi, Jerry Wheeler. How's it going? How are you? Your handwriting doesn't match your appearance at all. You have great all-block capital letters. Did you write this? I wrote that. I swear to God, when you said,

I appreciate this handwriting. I knew it was going to be me. Wow, that's incredible. Look at you, little fucking midget Jesus up here. He's pocket-sized Dave Grohl. My God, you're just a tiny little thing. How tall are you? What kind of... He's pocket-sized Dave Grohl. Yeah. Oh, my God. You're just a tiny little thing, huh? How tall are you?

What was that last guy? I'm 5'9". 5'9"? Yeah, no, you're not. How tall are you? 5'2"? 5'4". 5'4"?

2 inches. Come on, man. What do you got, lifts and those fucking things? You seem tiny, dude. That's all right. Big things come in small packages. Okay. Jerry, let's talk about it.

You ever done stand-up before? First time ever. Wow. First time. Is it true that you have a giant bag of gummy bears? Not all the time. But that was a true story, though. Yeah.

One time I did come home from Winco with a big bag of gummy bears. What's Winco? Wow. Jeez. It's like a Northwest staple. It's a grocery store? Yeah, grocery store. Like Costco for, you don't have to have a membership to go.

Costco for poor people. Oh, wow. Costco for poor people. Yeah, wow. Costco for poor people. Yeah, yeah. Costco for poor people. That's interesting. And you were able to reach the gummy bears on the shelf? Or did you have to have someone help you?

What do you do for work, Jerry? I was in Walmart one time, and I saw a Costco stepstool. I just, sorry. Sorry. I work at Green Collar Cannabis in Parkland, Washington. Ah. Awesome. Bud. Awesome. Bud Tinder.

Really? You can see over the counter? That's incredible. They give me a step stool when I work. We have ladders and such. Just a little nug yourself. My goodness. So what's your specialty?

You sell people directly pot? Sell pot, yeah. Yeah, sell them weed. Uh-huh. It's not like in California where they have jars and you weigh it out and stuff. It comes prepackaged like it's from Winco. And you can package it at the store.

Interestingly, you sell pot. You look more like you grow it. Do you do both? No, never. I know about growing, but I never have. Tony, you stopped pot. You look more like you grow it. Do you do both? No, never. I know about growing, but I never have. Tony, he stopped growing years ago. Joelberg is lit up right now. It's happening.

He's coming fresh off Mexican drum off confidence back there. He's chewing his ball underwear. He's eating his women's underwear. Oh back there. He's chewing his ball underwear. He's eating his women's underwear. Now that's dirty right there. Wow, that is incredible. Oh, look at this guy. So you're not a germaphobe for real?

No, no, I am. Actually, I told my girlfriend I forgot the bottle of hand sanitizer. I was playing it the whole time. My God. Do you think you're a germaphobe because you're always so close to the floor? I can see how much dirt is around. I can see how much dirt. Yeah, that's the joke I just made.

Yeah. Yeah. I was agreeing with you. I love it. I love it. Jerry, has anyone told you you look like Forrest Gump after his long run? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yes. Yes.

The only one I haven't heard is pocket-sized Dave Grohl. I've never heard that. That's the only one I haven't heard. Yeah. Have you always had the beard? Are you covering a weak chin or something like that? No. No. My chin is like my handwriting.

Oh. Nice. Strong. Like a girl? No. It's new. It's new, but not new. I don't You look strong. That didn't work. Like a girl? Yeah. No, it's new. It's new, but not new. I don't normally do this. I don't know. It came with the job at the Wii Shop.

Annabelle. Yeah, he looks like Charles Manson at the Fantasy Factory. Hell yeah. Anything else? That'll get more on the audio. You guys didn't give that what it deserved. Jerry, tell us more about you. What do you like to do for fun?

I like to entertain people, do videos and stuff. I actually do a weekly, I'm part of a weekly show called Bud Stars every week live on Facebook. Other than that, what do you like to do to enjoy yourself? Other than making content and doing things like other than things you want to plug no no that's really that's what i do i sure but i mean to take your mind off of all the work and all the creative stuff when you want to absorb something what do you like to do like said there must be something that uh physical perhaps you look like you've won all the disc golf competitions am i close to right about that, I have terrible hand-eye coordination.

I'm not good at sports, obviously, because of my height. But also, I have bad hand-eye coordination. So I'm clumsy. I was clumsy my whole life. So I don't know. Is there something that you like to do that takes you to a peaceful place in your mind? Something to relax yourself? Are you into a...

Other than just watching Game of Thrones? No, seriously, the only time when I'm just comfortable is doing content. Just creating content, being in front of people, the crowd. Yeah, you sound like one of the promoters of the Fyre Festival right now. I'm not really buying it. All I like to do is create content, make content.

We have a lot of investors already. If you want to give just a couple million dollars, we could double that in no time at all whatsoever. create content, make content. We have a lot of investors already. If you want to give just a couple million dollars, we could double that in no time at all whatsoever. I just like making content. We already have Ja Rule signed on. We have a contract with Pup Daddy. I mean, it's a no-brainer. Your return is huge.

Jerry Wheeler. Music, weaves. Unicycling. You ever unicycle before? You look like you'd make a hilarious unicycler. What kind of car do you drive? Bad hand-eye coordination, so no unicycle suspended license.

I was gonna say, I was gonna say, I was gonna interrupt you. I was gonna say, I can only picture you on a bicycle. Am I correct? No, my bicycle got stolen. I work in Parkland. Fucking tweakers on a bicycle. Am I correct? No, my bicycle got stolen. I work in Parkland. Fucking tweakers stole my bicycle. My goodness.

Fucking tweakers. But speeding tickets. Speeding tickets. That's why my license is suspended. How many did you have? Two. Wow, that's crazy because you should be able to control that because you're so close to the gas and brake pedals that you'd think you'd have more control over it.

Like, a tall guy at least maybe, like, loses focus of his foot or something like that. Like Annabelle, I'm sure, a little bit lankier of a lady down there. Look at those giant feet. Like them, I understand, but you got these little fucking, you got these little fucking little peggy

legs over here. You got little fucking, like, doll feet. A little seven and a half. You got little fucking doll feet. Little seven and a half. Really? Seven and a half. I've had bigger menstrual cycles than you. Alright, Jerry. It was fun to have you on. Congratulations on your first time ever.

Thank you. Keep having fun, buddy. Jerry Wheeler. He just likes making content, people. Tacoma P-Hop on Instagram. Hip hop. Okay. Very good. Wow, I almost stuck my hand in my drink. Look at that. That was crazy.

Jack Daniels to the stage. Heck yeah. Can I have a... Can somebody make me a Jack Daniels and Alpha Brain, please? I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. It sounds like a Brody Stevens joke.

Shout out to Seattle for being one of the great places where our old late friend Brody Stevens lived for many years. Had a local show, Brody and Tana. That's right, motherfuckers. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Austin Dobbins, everyone. Here we go, Austin Dobbins. Hey, wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Is that what that is?

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. From that ledge, my friend. From that ledge, my friend. Here he comes, Austin Dobbins. Hey, how's it going, everybody? All right, so I just want to start off by saying I had a really interesting kind of upbringing, right? I grew up in a really interesting home. Me, my mom, grandma, and great-grandma.

So I was raised by three old women. I like to joke that I'm like the fourth golden girl, right? But so that's kind of enough family for me, right? I don't need to go out and talk to my extended family. Perfect case in point would be I have an aunt who married a cousin. They were together for a very long time. She likes to ad-lib gospel songs. They had a pet chimpanzee. I'm not making that shit up. They had a weird family photo.

Best part about her, though, is she's got a weird arm, man. She can't control it. So, like, watching her strap in into, like, a car going for, like, a ride, you know? And all of her ad-lib gospel songs are like, oh, you know, like, the Lord and Savior, the love. I'm like, obviously didn't love you that much. You know what I mean? Like, got you with that fucked up arm and shit. But, yeah, so, I mean, I'm hoping the meow is coming up, because I'm kind of at the end of what I had. Bada bing, bada boom. There we go, guys.

Thank you so much. All right. Hell yeah. Austin Dobbin. That's me. So, there was a lot of other information there, but I think the meat and potatoes was you have an aunt that believes in God and she's got a wonky arm?

Super wonky arm. That's the main frame of that joke, right? Yeah. Also, you know, I just think it's interesting that they had, like, you know, Marion Cousins. That's kind of weird. It's pretty Game of Thrones-y. It's pretty on point for today.

Yeah, yeah. And then the chimpanzee. I mean, how often do you have one of those, right? Okay. I just don't see the problem with that. Of course, of course you don't, right? So, Austin, do you know what's wrong with her arm? Did something happen to her?

This is your aunt? So, it's my great-grandma's sister, so I guess great-great-aunt? So, it's in your jeans. You could have a kid with a crazy arm. Well, I don't know. Maybe it's like late on set, right? Like, I'm going to wake up one day and be like, oh, shit.

Is that what her arm does? It's like that? Well, it varies, bro. Like, if she gets kind of worked up. I mean, like, the hand's always kind of like this. Whoa, look at that. Like a hand puppet, like a vector raptor or something. This is exactly what I saw hanging out of Joel Berg's underwear but yeah I don't know I don't exactly know I think she

was you know pretty normal as a child and then at some point I think there was maybe an accident who knows yeah so you think there was an accident all right Austin let's talk about more enough about your aunt in her wonky arm how long you been doing stand-up? First time. Wow, there you go. Give him a hand. Thank you, thank you.

While you're at it, give his aunt a hand, too, the one that operates properly. So, Austin, first time ever. How old are you? 26. 26. You don't look a day over Walter White. Thanks, man.

What have you been doing with your life up until this point? For a while, I was doing some whitewater raft guiding. I was doing some backpack trip guiding and stuff. Very on point. Very on brand for the Northwest. Wow. That's all the answers I thought the last guy was going to give me. I had higher expectations for you.

But most currently, I travel around Canada in the u.s Training people in a software program Just in a layover in Vancouver last night I kind of wished my plane got delayed or like canceled so I could come and see you guys in Vancouver Yeah, yeah, that would be nice, but this is where you live. This is your headquarters, Washington like 15 hours a week Yeah, 15 hours a week born and raised Tacoma yeah Headquarters, Seattle, Washington. I'm here about 15 hours a week. Yeah, 15 hours a week. Born and raised? Tacoma, yeah.

Hey, thank you, guys. Look at that. Look at that little patch of billy goats we have here from Tacoma. Hey, I'll take it. I'll take it. Hell yeah. Any support I can get. So whitewater rafting guide.

Yeah, that's cool. That's an interesting job, huh? Yeah, it was fun. I came really late on the season and didn't get the actual trips. What level river were you working at? Level 3 up in Leavenworth, Washington, the Wenatchee. Level 3s are fun. Nice and chill. Enjoy yourself. How long

is that ride? Sorry, what was that? How long is that ride from start to end on an average time? Depending on where you put in. An hour and a half. Is there like one major rapid that's extra hard? Is there a place where they would often spill or over? My favorite one, you're coming through,

and I'm blanking on the name of the actual rapid. It doesn't matter the name of it. You're right. Was there an area on the Leavenworth River where people flip a lot? So you would flip a lot? On purpose, yeah. It's fun to toss the people out.

Right. You got to go grab them. Did you ever have any accidents happen in whitewater raf lot? On purpose, yeah. It's fun to, you know, toss the people out. Right. You gotta go grab them. Did you ever have any accidents happen in whitewater rafting? Never, not once. No. I mean, like, you know,

people get hit in the head with, you know, like a paddle or something, but... Uh-huh. C'est la vie, right? Your head don't matter. Yeah, you got a helmet on.

You're good. You ever take your aunt whitewater rafting? I think she'd be good at it with the whole fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd have to be really You could put her

on the right side of that boat just fucking... Yeah, Betty, you're killing it. Keep going, baby. You'd have to keep switching her sides otherwise you'd start going in circles. Like a Finding Nemo situation. Heck yeah.

So, Austin, now you travel doing the software stuff. You said 15 hours a week, basically, you're in town. So, I mean, you go to like a different city every day. What's the travel schedule like? So, fly out on Sundays so I can be there for Monday, Tuesday, like a training. They're two-day trainings, and Wednesday is generally a travel day.

And then Thursday, Friday, and then I come home Saturday so that I can leave again Sunday. You have a girlfriend or a wife or something? Nope. Hell no. That's exactly why I took this job. You ever hook up with chicks when you're on the road? Nah, I'm not the most smooth with the ladies.

Do you ever go out at night when you're in these other cities? Yeah, my biggest hobby now is just smoke some weed, get a little drunk, and then just kind of go walk around and see what I can see. Do you travel with pot on you?

Like when you travel domestically? Yeah, domestically. In Canada? Well, when I'm in Canada, I just don of go walk around and do you travel do you travel with pot on you like when you travel domestically yeah domestically in canada well when i'm in canada i just don't go across the border just buy it when i'm there and i can fly wherever i want with right and vancouver airport i was smoking there yesterday yeah just out front uh-huh all right jesus christ well they have designated areas so it's pretty rad wow uh so um what else what do you like to do what do you like What can you say Is one of your favorite things About Seattle You were born here

You were raised here What do you love about this city I really like walking around And just kind of like Getting into conversations With the homeless people They're very What

They're very like A collective group If you get some good ones You can have some like Good long Very interesting So what You just

Kind of sift through the bullshit But like it's kind of fun So on a nice Friday night You just like to go over to White Center and just fucking chat it out I don't know about White Center I don't know

that's he what what he just said what he just said was either the nicest thing I've ever heard or the loneliest thing I've ever heard

yeah that's that's what you do for fun is talk to homeless people. Can you give us an example of a... I don't spend too much time up here. Can you give us an example of a time that talking to a homeless person paid off or that you learned something?

Yeah, I was running around kind of down by the Safeco field and all that, right? And I was taking some pictures, doing whatever, and this guy came up and was like, hey man, you let me use your camera, I'll take your picture for a dollar. And I was like like you can just have a dollar because i don't really feel like giving you my camera so you can run away with it uh here's your dollar man i really appreciate the offer and then he was like hey my name's alaska man and i was like all right that's cool his name's alaska that's what he said he had one god it was pretty interesting wow and uh were you

like my name's austin we're both from shitty places i don't know it doesn't we're both named after shitty i fucked that up, that's all good. But yeah, and then, you know, he just told me about, you know, going to like a KKK meeting. I should add

that he is a black guy. And he said that he like won over the meeting. They had a big potluck. They let him in and I was like, I don't know what to believe from you, Alaska.

They had a big potluck? I hope that's true. How long ago did he eat the food that they served him at the potluck at the KKK meeting? I don't know if I could say. Again, this was probably years ago.

I was probably like 16. Oh, wow. It's been a long time. This had a license. I was coming up here just kind of walking around. And he started talking to me. So I just kept talking back. And then he peed on me.

We talked for like an hour and a half. My goodness. An hour and a half. Fuck yeah. Jesus, that sucks. I feel bad. Honestly, I feel bad for that homeless guy. I know.

He's probably looking at his fake watch like, I'm already eight minutes in, and I can't find anything interesting about you, Austin. I mean, poor homeless guy, probably with his much more malnutrition brain than mine, you know what I mean? Just really struggling to find out what. He probably ate some cat food that day trying to figure out.

I love it. Wow. What's the, uh, what's the coolest thing about you, Austin, before I let you go, what would you say? My final thing, coolest thing about Austin Dobbins is there's one fun fact that all of Seattle would have to know. What would it be? Whoa, that's a lot of pressure.

Um, I don't know. I really like, uh, practicing like outdoor, like survival stuff. I don't know. I really like practicing outdoor survival stuff. So go out, minimal amount of stuff and try to make it from point A to point B. I can tell by the material that you brought to the show tonight. You like to go out with minimal amount of stuff. Alright, Austin. But I'll tell you this. For a first time, again,

not that bad. You're in it now. So if you want to keep doing it, find open mics around town. And find open mics in these cities that you go to. You already do a lot of traveling. By the time you're done doing software shit while the sun's out, there's probably an open mic in every city that you're in.

I always check your guys' like where you guys are traveling because I always want to try and like. We purposefully also check your schedule and make sure we're never in the same place. There he goes, Austin Dobbins, everybody. Hell yeah. What song was that? Ain't No Sunshine.

Oh, the great Bill Withers. He's from somewhere in the south, I do believe. Oh, you know it. Okay. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

It's pretty good. It's pretty good. How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? That's pretty good. That's pretty good. That's about par.

Put your hands together for your next comedian, Mike Mason, everyone. Mike Mason. Oh. Mike Mason. Oh. Put a little makeup. Hide the skull. Why'd you leave the kids up on the table?

Here you go, create another fable. You wanted to. Grab a bunch of little makeup. You wanted to. Put a little makeup. You wanted to. A little makeup. One more time for Mike Mason, everyone.

Hello. I used to be on meth. Fuck yeah, I was on that shit. And I'd probably still be if everyone wasn't so fucking judgy. Now, I haven't smoked a rock or touched a needle in almost ten years. Do not fucking clap for that. I did pop an Adderall to make it through Endgame.

It's true. It's true. Actually, it was easy quitting. You know, I had help. I found God. Leet amounts of junk food i went from life in the fast lane to life in the drive-thru and i'm lucky though i'm lucky i made it out of that dark disgusting life because i made it out without having to suck a single dick for drugs. Not one! All the dicks I did suck though? 100% for fun. I was

high as hell. Thank God that's over. Fuck yeah. Mike Mason. Oh my God. Wow. This is incredible. You know what, Mike? I believe what you said there at the end.

I truly believe that the only dicks that have been in your mouth is at the drive-in. Yeah. Dicks drive-in? No? No points for that? Wow. Yeah, you look like you fucking, you look like you pick up everyone's seconds

at Molly Moos. Yeah. Are you Mikey Moose? Are you Mike and Molly Moose? No. Fuck yeah. Look at you. I could be whatever you want me to be. Big fucking baby gorilla. Jesus Christ. Wow. Go to the pony bar after. No, it's

not that one. Did you just come over from Diesel Bar, dude? What the fuck, bro? I did. I passed by the sign. Heck yeah. Wow. So you got off meth and switched to junk food. Yeah. My goodness. How long did you do meth for? About 10 years. I started 14. Really? Wow. Look at these two

mirror images having a conversation with one another. You guys look like a before and a before. What attracted you to meth, though? I mean, what did it make you feel? I was a skater kid, and all the older kids were doing it. You used to what? Skateboard?

Yeah. Oh, my God. Have you tried skateboarding since fucking up your center of gravity? I look like I do cardio. Oh, my God. Oh. Wow. center of gravity? I look like I do cardio. Oh my god. What was that? It was Skate-A-Boy.

Ah, hell yeah. Bless your heart. Wow, so how long were you hooked on meth? For about ten years. Wow, ten years. What was your way of consuming it? Were you doing everything? I started off smoking it and then it went to the needle. Needle? You didn't even go to snorting?

Needle for two years and then I was like, fuck that. Needle for two years, just shooting up meth. Were you one of those crazy guys that just walked the streets and started screaming at people and itching your face? It was close. It was close. That was like I was getting out of it. You went from breaking bad to baking

bad. You went from Walter White to Walter White Cake. I don't know. All right, fuck it. Who gives a fuck? From junkie to junk food. Yeah, you went from fucking... That's the joke I made.

You went from fucking stinky to the twinkie. Anyway. What? So, Mike, what else have you been doing to distract yourself from doing math? I mostly just play video games. I'm married. How long have you been married for?

Four years. Four years? How long have you been off math? Ten years. Oh, wow. So, wow. It was a long time ago. Do you ever miss it? Do you ever feel like, oh, I might accidentally do it again No I actually have nightmares that I'm on it Like I'm terrified of it now Yeah you're scared

Terrified in the way that you relapse I'm relapsing and I'm fucking up everything I've built on Right right right What do you do for work I work at a soap making supply company We pretty much just sell all the products to make soap You make soap No I don't make soap I just sell the shit that makes it

You sell it I portion it out and I put just sell the shit that makes it. You sell it. You sell the shit that makes it. I portion it out and I put it in a box and send it off. Wow. All right. You look like you're not good at portioning anything. Incredible. Taco Bell, you have some midriff showing.

Pull your shirt down. Wow, yeah. Look at those brown nipples. Look at those fucking quesadillas sticking out up there. Those big purples. Wow, Mike. What does your wife do? She works at a licensing insurance.

I don't know. I've been with her for eight years. I still don't know what she does. Geez, wow. What do you know about your wife? What can you say about her? She's blonde. She sleeps next to me sometimes.

Sometimes? Are you sure you guys are married? Are you taking applications? Oh, hello. There she is, huh? Fuck yeah. What are you guys' sleep numbers? I think I'm a seven.

She's a cool 14. Wow, a cool 14. All right. Well, Mike, you said this is your first time doing stand-up, or you've been doing it, or what is it? It was a year in January, but I haven't done it since. A year in January, but you haven't done it since. What happened?

Why'd you stop doing it i went to the 6 a.m shift and like seven o'clock shows are still so hard to hit a 6 a.m shift at a at a soap making supplies so wow interesting soap making supplies do you use a lot of the soap that you use the soap that you make i try not to it's like that. It's like that super hippie soap. You feel oily afterwards. Oh, hell yeah.

Wow. It's like, what's that shit called? The one that has corn and stuff in the middle of it. You're like, I don't want this. Yeah, the one with corn in the middle. That's what I'm talking about. I hate that shit. Why is there corn in the middle of my soap?

Mike, what's something really interesting about you that you think makes you different? Something else that maybe you could talk about that you haven't written a joke about yet. Something that makes me different. Something interesting about you? You have wacky parents? I was.

I am an ex-Methead, but I'm also kind of an ex-Juggalo. Oh. I could see that. I've been to-Metthead, but I'm also kind of an ex-Juggalo. Oh. I could see that. I've been to the Gathering of the Juggalo. Yeah, yeah. Is that true? It's true. How many times have you seen the Insane Clown Posse? A couple times through shows, and I went to that Gathering one time just to

really feel it out. What happened at the Gathering? Lots of drugs. Ah. And then there's you just chugging Faygo in the corner, huh? Just trying to stay away from all of it. Exactly.

You're like, I'm a big fan, and they're like, we can see. Did you have any of the insane clown pizza when you were there? All right.

Well, I mean, anyway. Yeah. All right, Mike. Well,, anyway. All right, Mike. Well, congratulations on getting back in the game. There he goes. One more time for Mike Mason, everybody. He's on Instagram at MikeDubsDUBZ86. Makeup.

I just got the baby to wear the shakeup. Why'd you leave the kids up on the table? Here you go, great, another fable. Grab a bunch of little makeup. I just got the baby to wear the shake up. Why'd you leave the kids up on the table? I don't think it would drive. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Self-righteous suicide.

I, I, an angel's desire. Self-righteous suicide. Die. Die. When angels die. I pulled this name out, but we're actually going to... I'm going to bring this guy up as a special treat later. We're going to just do that. We're going to save

that. So I'm going to pull another name out of the bucket and see what happens here. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Zach W. Collins. What song is that? You don't even know what song that is. what song is that you don't even know what song that is guys give it one more time how you doing so a few years ago I broke my neck had a really bad fall I woke up in the hospital I was a little loopy and the nurse told me

that I had a cervical fracture I told her that was impossible because I was a boy and she she insisted it was true so I know we're in Seattle you guys like pot? weed?

it's been legal for a while now I call it the devil's lettuce. I can't handle that shit. Last time I smoked weed, I got, like, super paranoid. I got really peer pressured into it. I got really paranoid. I got, like, super self-conscious. I thought I was laughing like a donkey every time, you know.

And I couldn't look nobody in the face. Like, the whole rest of the night, I could barely look my heroin dealer in the face. It was awful. Oh, there it is. Thanks. Fuck yeah, Zach Collins. Heck yeah. How are you, buddy?

I'm trying to stand still. Okay, very good. You're doing good so far. Did you really break your neck? Yes. How'd you break your? I'm trying to stand still. Okay, very good. You're doing good so far. Did you really break your neck? Yes. How'd you break your neck? In jail. Wow.

All right. Looks like we have a fucking decent interview ahead of us for a change. Let's fucking get to talking. All I had to do was pee real quick to change the momentum of these interviews. That's strong of a blowjob? Like, what happened? Yo, break your neck, bitch! Break your neck up on this dick!

Motherfucking quattroof! Anyway, uh... Little Easter eggs. Anyway, uh... Zach W. Collin. So, uh, you broke your neck in jail. Let's talk about first stop before we get to the neck break.

How did you get in jail? What were you doing? I was caught selling drugs. Ooh, what kind of drugs? I know it wasn't weight loss medicine. No, it wasn't. It was heroin. Wow, heroin. My goodness. Did you used to do heroin also? What's that? Did you do heroin

also? I did. Oh, wow. Yeah, my goodness. And now you're off. I am. How long have you been? Coming up on five years. Wow, how's that? Did you do heroin also? I did. Oh, wow. Yeah. My goodness. And now you're off. I am. How long have you been? Coming up on five years. Wow. How about that? Five years off heroin. That's incredible. Yeah. And much like the last guy, now you just use your spoons for ice cream and whatnot. I do.

That's great. I put down the spoon, picked up the fork. There you go. Hey, I like that. Very good. So you're in jail for selling drugs. How long were you in jail for? About 90 go. Hey, I like that. Very good. You're in jail for selling jail. How long were you in jail for? About 90 days. Oh, 90 days. Okay. I was scared for a second. I thought you did nine years the way you

started that. So 90 days. How do you break your neck in jail? You have 90 days to just survive. I fell off the top bunk. You fell off the top bunk? That's some strong butt fucking. That is like the most childish way to break your neck in prison.

It's like I was expecting something so epic. You're like, oh, I did it like a five-year-old. I fell off top bunk. I accidentally slipped in the shower. Whoa! Whoa! Just! Whoa! Just wake up. You have nightmares about that sometimes?

Any of our flashbacks? I don't really remember it. Nightmares was his cellmate's name. Hey, yo, bitch, stop falling off the bed. You're waking me up. All right. Yeah. Yeah.

Ha-ha. Oh, wow. So did you have a cellmate during that time? There was someone on the bottom bunk, right? Yeah. Were you always the top or were you the bottom sometimes in jail? I was, when you first get in there, they put you on the top. Heck yeah.

Did you ever drop the soap? The last guy made it. Did you ever drop it? It was powdered soap. Powdered soap. Hell yeah. Did you ever try to snort the soap? The last guy made it. Did you ever drop it? Powdered soap. Powdered soap. Hell yeah. Did you ever try to snort the soap? No.

All right. So what did your, what did you, do you remember your, you don't, you remember the aftermath of the fall off the bunk? I remember waking up in the hospital.

Oh my God. So they just told you, you're like, they're like, hey, you know, Zach, you fell out of bed.

Were you and your cellmate having any disagreements at the time, perhaps? He wasn't in there. It was the day after I got in there, so I was trying to sleep it off. This sounds like some Freddy Krueger shit to me. It was fucking, you're sleeping. Did they just find you with your neck,

the bones sticking out of it? What happened? It was just like a crack, but I broke my nose and my eye socket and a bunch of teeth. Oh, Jesus. How high is his bunk? 20 feet bunk.

My God. You sure you didn't urinate on the security guards that day or anything like that? Just like, yeah, he fell out of his bunk hospital. There you go. Don't know what happened. He broke his neck and his eyes. It's on both sides of his. Yeah, I don't know.

He's an asshole. There you go. Take him. Were you always cool with the security guards there? Yeah, the guards were... Yeah, the guards. So I have an older sister that came to visit me who happens to be attractive.

So they were... Yeah. Is she here tonight? No. No. How long you been fucking your hot sister? Again, I don't see the problem. So your hot sister would come and visit you, so they liked you because they're like,

Hey, that's fucking Zach with the hot sister. Yeah, pretty much. They'd talk a lot of shit to me about it. Yeah, like Zach, the things I would do to you, I would break your fucking sister's neck over the top bunk of one of these fucking beds. What does your hot sister do? She sells keto supplements. Red Band's Dream Go.

Yeah, keto. It's a pyramid scheme. Wow. It's her fourth or fifth one. So have you ever taken on the keto diet that your sister sells? I have tried. Yeah, how'd that go for you? I lost like 80 pounds on it a couple years ago.

Wow. Was that of heroin? And then you just stopped doing it? Yeah, well, it's boring. The holidays happened. Right, right. And you had the holidays, your favorite holiday, We're talking St. Patrick's Day, right? Clearly?

No? You are redheaded, though, correct? I did have a joke about that. Oh, really? What is it? I did the ancestry thing and found out I was Russian. Wow. Barely Irish.

Barely Irish. Really? That's interesting to me because I thought you were the child Of Andrew Santino and the Pillsbury Doughboy So That's what I had it pegged for My goodness Well, anything else interesting about you, Zach? What else is going on in this crazy world?

Was that your first time doing stand-up? Wow, look at that Very cool Look at your neck I gotcha Is this something you've always wanted to do? I've been told I was funny by friends Very cool. Work your neck. I gotcha. Is this something you've always wanted to do? I've been told I was funny by friends. Who told you that?

Really good friends. Heroin addicts. Yeah, the people in jail. You're cellmate or you're soulmate? Wow. So, Zach, how old are you? I'm 34. 34 years old.

Did I ask you what you do? No. What do you do? I'm a metal fabricator. A metal fabricator. Huh. So, what type of just... I bend metal.

Really? Yeah. My goodness. Look at you, you fucking world's strongest man. That's incredible. I can bend this mic stand. What is that tattoo of right there? Which one?

You have a lot of, what's the human being one? What's that one? That's Casey Jones from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Ah. Oh, my God. The other guy had the turtle pants on earlier. Now, he said he could bend that mic stand. No, no, no, no.

We can ask the venue. That looks like about a $20, $30 mic stand. I'm willing to put my money on the line to see him break that mic stand. The thing's gonna break right down the middle. There's a joint in the middle. I could probably bend that microphone.

No, he's saying in the middle of that. Can we take donations for the mic stand? Stop. We need a microphone stand. We're not gonna break the venue of that. Can we take donations for the mic? Stop. We're not going to break the venue's shit. It's not going to break it. We're going to bend it. So do you think you're going to do comedy again? Is this something that you actually want to do? Or are you just doing it for Kill Time? I'm really busy a lot.

Like the last guy said, 6am comes early. I know there's open mics in Tacoma down by where I live. Yeah, there's a great comedy club, Tacoma Comedy Club. And a shitty guitar center, awesome. Yeah, that's true. That guitar center fucked us up last night. Yeah, fuck them.

Well, Zach... It's kind of like you have a guitar center hangover. I love it. So, uh, so Zach, uh, you had fun tonight.

You went up, you did stand up for the first time ever. There you go. You popped your cherry. There he is. Zach W. Collins. He's on Twitter.

It's Zachary W. Collins. One, all one word. Oh yeah. Fucking Seattle, Washington. So far, it's just a, uh, it seems to be a lot of fat guys with beards and backwards hats.

It seems to be almost the entire city has given up. Tony, can I give a shout out to Bhagwan from Wild Wild Countries right here in the second row if you would like to stand up. Oh, wow. That's incredible. Hello, Bhagwan. How are you? He's here. Wild Wild Country.

Heck yeah. Stand up. Take a bow. Say hi to these people. Fuck yeah. There he is. Holy shit. Look at you. Did you sign up tonight? No. You're just a fan of the show? Fuck yeah. I like your style, dude. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Jeffrey

Hennings, everyone. Jeffrey Hennings. Where's Jeffrey at? Is he coming? Is that Jeffrey there? Oh, there he goes. Alright. Somebody just took his drink. Spoon man. Right? Spoon man?

How about this Seattle playlist that the band's playing tonight, huh? One more time. One more time for Jeffrey Hennings. So, I look like Seth Rogen and Mario Lopez had a baby with an eating disorder. I had a less than ideal childhood. You know, most kids were watching Blue's Clues, trying to find the clues.

I was just trying to find my mom most mornings. They were singing the Blue's Clues male time song. I was just hoping for a strong male figure. A lot of children were being coached to dial 911 if there was an emergency. I knew the number to the local precinct at the age of eight. I'd call and say, hey, do you guys have my mom again? Yeah, Jeffrey, we got her.

She's about to be released. You know, some kids played games like pick up sticks. I played pick up mom with a stick shift. It was nice, though, because those drives were kind of the only time we could spend together where she wasn't yelling because her voice was hoarse from screaming all night

in the jail cell. That's me. Thank you, Jeffrey Hennings. Jeffrey Hennings, everyone. Fuck yeah. Holy shit. You did it. This is a good break for us

from fat guys with beards to you, Jeffrey Hennings. Very exciting. Oh, man. This is fucking exciting break for us from fat guys with beards to you, Jeffrey Hennings. Very exciting. Oh, man. This is fucking exciting for me, dude. I bet. I did not think this was going to happen. I know everyone says that shit, but this, this.

Okay, Jeffrey. I feel like I'm like, this is surreal. Jeffrey, relax. I'm a huge fan. I'm a higher patriot. I'm just, listen, I'm going to have a mild heart attack. Okay, very good. From Panda Express to Panda a mild heart attack. Okay, very good. From Panda Express to Pander Express.

There he is, Jeffrey Hennings. Thank God. Hell yes, Beijing beef. That's my shit. Which one? Beijing beef. You got to get that orange chicken, bro. The orange chicken is overrated.

Look at you guys having a fat off right now. I love it. You both need to come to Annabelle's abode and I'll make you an honest now. I love it. You both need to come to Annabelle's abode and I'll make you an honest male. Jeffrey, let's talk about it. You ever done stand-up before? I have done stand-up sporadically for like

seven years. I've done it like ten times. Seven years, you've done it ten times. Wow. Fuck yeah. I did it once last week to prepare if i were to get called up how'd it go last week how long did you have to do last week i did three minutes i i didn't do any of those jokes so actually i had some jokes that i like but i took your advice more pandering was talking about myself and so that's not pandering that's doing comedy well i

i'm just saying like i so this is the first time doing that bit. I didn't do it last week. And it worked. I think it did okay. I mean, the first part did when you made fun of yourself. I don't think anybody knew what you were really – can you try to describe what you were talking about? You had a tough childhood. Yeah.

Tell us about it. Yeah. I just had, like, a fucking crazy person for a mom. Really? Was the dad around? So I don't know my real father, and she married a guy in the Navy, and then he was gone for six months at a time, all the time.

Wow, yeah, you had a Navy dad, and he had a gravy son. Have you always been a big boy, Jeffrey? You know, I fluctuated, man. I fluctuated. I also did keto. I lost about 100 pounds. Oh my God. Gained about 80 of them back, so we're doing it. Wow. How did you gain the 80 back? Where did you go wrong?

What's your vice? I stopped smoking weed. And somehow you got the more munchies? No, I just... Tony, I'll be vulnerable with you. Don't call me Tony. Just say it. Call him Daddy.

Call him Master Hinchcliffe. I have a compulsive food habit. I love eating a shit ton of food. What type of food? What are your biggest, like, what's your regular guilt stuff? Curry, bro. Curry? Curry.

Curry. Wow. Yellow curry, green curry. What kind of curry are you? Well, I like Penang and? Thai curry. Wow. Yellow curry, green curry. What kind of curry? Well, I like penang and mussel mun. Wow. Oh, my goodness. I make some very good penang.

Oh, shit. And I think Taco back here makes some really good mussel mun. We all saw a little bit of that. What? I don't know. I was trying to reference your genitalia that was out earlier but it didn't really work so what did

your mom let's talk about it did she go to jail a lot? what was she in jail for? oh man she was in jail for all she did all kinds of crazy stuff like schizophrenic? so she actually had like, she said that she had a disassociative fugue

where she like didn't remember two years of her life. Conveniently two years where she was just being like a total fucking piece of shit. Right. Like she, there was one point where she like told her new boyfriend they were like robbing our house. Oh, so meth.

She was a meth addict. She perhaps, we don't know. We don't know. We don't know, but she told him to run me over with the car. It was great. So she came in... I hope they had an SUV. Sure.

Sure. Oh. Let him talk. I'm sorry. SUV. It looks like he got run over by an ice cream truck This fucking guy All terrain vehicle This show is the king of fat jokes

I swear to god Every second She was in our house taking our shit And then I called 911 and I was like My mom's here, she's not supposed to be here She's taking all of our stuff, what do I do? And then she's in the background and she's like Jeffrey, get off me, ow, you're hurting me get off of me like just you know crazy shit like pretending

to you know that i'm assaulting her right she did like uh fucking she wrote a bunch of crazy checks like she put her hair down and wrote these checks with a different signature and bought like thousands of dollars worth of stuff and then i was like mom i was like 16 i was like mom are you sure we should be doing this and she's like, Jeffrey, I quit being a baby. I've done this before. How about now? What is she up to now? She died of cancer. Straight up. Four years ago.

She lived hard. Thank you. That's right. Burned out quick. Let's check in with Annabelle over there. After hearing your story, I can just say that I hope you know that your mother loved you and she did the best she could.

Wow, look at that. Little words of wisdom from Annabelle, everybody, with her foot hanging out. It means a lot, Annabelle. Thank you. Alright, tell us more about you, Jeffrey. What's some fun things about you? What's some positive stuff? What are you into? What are your hobbies or anything?

Any fun facts about you we need to know? I play in a band, two-piece. Oh, yeah? I'm a drummer. Yeah, you and a drummer. What do you do in the band? Musical theater. I sing and play guitar, and we do a little bit of, you know.

Can you give us a little example of what your singing sounds like? Can you just go right into it, sing us a little something? Belt it out for us so we can hear you nice and clear, Jeffrey. And I can hardly take it. This whole talk is so frustrating. Never try, you'll never fail. Seize the stage, seal yourself. Grow old with croaked ambition.

The shit ain't pure if there's conditions. Think there's always time for one more shot. Wow. Thank you. Yeah. Let's check in with... Laughing is usually not a good sign, but... There you go.

Let's check in with Annabelle over there. Shut the fuck up, Jeffrey. Annabelle. Yeah, I was just curious if you did the vocals for the 90s commercial Crossfire. Don't get caught in the crossfire. Listen, I've had a few. I don't drink very much.

The lights. You've had a few. I've had a few. What did you drink? I drank a couple ciders and a tequila pineapple. But this is my first time drinking in like a while. I took like a year and a half off of drinking. Man, you really do have that Seth Rogen.

Dog, everybody tells me that. It's that mouth, man. It's fucking crazy. You have something with your eye. I noticed that you twitch your eye, your left eye a lot. I do do that. In fact, I recorded last week and i twitched my yeah i twitched my eye do you know what it's from is it it's just like a tick i don't know i don't know

i just like i it just happens wow it's from having a fucked up life jeffrey that's what that is that's all that is that's your mom's fault now can you fault. That's your dead mother's fault. Now, can you control the tick? I can actually a little bit. So it's like... Oh my God. Jesus Christ. What are you, the three-eyed raven? This is what the people want.

And I can actually do that too. Wow. There you go. You've been doing that all night. Anything you can do, she can do better Oh, clearly Alright, Jeffrey, well congratulations on getting up here You're a big, adorable baby Get back over to the diesel bar

And go have some fun There he goes, Jeffrey Hennings, everybody Thank you, Tony Well, let's do something a little bit fun. I pulled this guy out of the bucket earlier, but I had planned on just giving him a spot. He has been on the Los Angeles version of this show, Out of the Bucket, quite a few times. He's originally, I believe, from Seattle, lives here.

I think he's back living here again. We've had a lot of fun with him on this show. You're going to end up knowing it after his set when we talk about it. Put your hands together for Seattle's own, ladies and gentlemen, Levi Maness, everybody. Levi Maness. Yeah. Bow. Yeah. Bow.

Yeah. Hey, now. Levi Maness. Hey, here he is, everybody. Come on, one more time for Levi Maness. I went to Walmart. I went to Walmart and I asked where they keep me an application. I want to try something weird with you guys.

Real quick. I need your help. Somebody once told me that. Wow. There you go. Levi Maness. Now, Levi, you became popular on the Los Angeles version of Kill Tony. People love your rock star style delivery and commitment to your physical demeanor. Everyone knows, you might recognize him as the Crypt Keeper's grandson. Everyone. You might recognize him as the Crypt Keeper's grandson, everyone. So, Levi, you are a legend on this show because, first of all, great set. One more time for Levi Maness.

Now, you are from Seattle? Yes. And now you're back here again. Yeah, I'm here for the summer, and then I'm planning to go to New York in the fall. Very cool. Awesome. Now you might recognize Levi from Kill Tony in Los Angeles as the guy that was a virgin who had his first kiss ever

on the main stage. The great Jen Murphy came up and gave him a big wet smooch. We all watched it. That whore Jen Murphy. One of the highlights of your life. By the way, he looks like the end of Grand Theft Auto, Trevor. The very last scenes of the video game.

It's the full evolution here. Yeah, it was my first make-up. You are one of the more famous virgins in the history of the show. However, I got I heard from a little birdie that Yeah, I lost my virginity

last week. Wow! Look at that! Congratulations, buddy. So, if you don't mind, take it take us through it, Levi. So what happened? How did this happen?

I don't know. A friend of mine was talking to her friend about how weird I am. A friend of yours was talking to her friend about how weird you are. Go ahead. Yeah, and then she wanted to see a picture of me and thought I was cute for some reason. Yeah, she's into fucking freaky shit. Yeah. And then she just sent me a picture of her

and her phone number saying she wants to hang out. Wow, damn. A chick that's into guys that look like all the devil's rejects. I look like I got rejected from the devil's rejects. Yeah, you do. You look like Slob Zombie. He looks like he's in a Nickelback cover band called Pennyback. I just said that!

So it turns out she's in a Freaky Dudes. So then what happens? She hits you up? Yeah, the first thing... She called the payphone that you live next to? No, the first thing she starts talking about when we're texting was suicide, masturbation, grunge music, and how she hates being around people. And you're just seeing hearts all over your eyes when that happens.

Ha, ha, ha. It was kismet. How about Walmart? You like Walmart too? And then what? Where'd you guys – oh, go ahead, Annabelle. Yeah, has anybody ever told you your laugh doesn't match your body? Has anyone ever told you your body doesn't match your body. Has anyone ever told you

your body doesn't match your body? So Levi, she hits you up and then what happens? We meet up a few days later at the Comet down the street. The Comet's a bar? Yeah. And what'd you guys do? You had a couple Pabst Blue Ribbons?

Yeah, we had some Rainiers. What does she look like? Does she look like you? I feel like she looks exactly like you. She looks like a past blue smear. She's way out of my league. She was way out of your league? Yeah, totally.

Like a describer, like white girl or Asian? She's white, right ahead about this tall. She's got nice curves. Wow, damn, look at you. So you go to Comet, and then what happens? We hit it off, and then she tells me she just adopted this dog recently And wants me to go to her apartment and visit her dog Heck yeah, everyone wants her dog

To meet Wolfman You guys are closely related So you go over And what kind of dog is it? Or was it her pussy? You know what I'm saying? Go ahead, what kind of dog was it? It was like a little small mixed dog.

Heck yeah. You were about to show her your wiener, right? I was fucking nervous as shit. Is it just me or I just don't like anything mixed? Wow. So she showed you her little dog and then what happens? You're standing there playing it cool, nibbling on some of the dog food,

just playing it cool and hanging out. No, so the dog was in the kennel and then she was wearing a little black dress and when she went to bent over, she wasn't wearing any underwear. Oh, that's so funny, right? Shaved or did she have a little orphan Annie down there? She was a little bit of an orphan.

Heck yeah. Her carpet matches your drapes. Wow, so she bent over, there was nothing there, and then what, you came in your pants, that's it, you're not a virgin anymore. Popped your cherry. Yeah, a little bit.

So she bends over, and then what? The dog comes out, and we're on the floor. Is that what you call your dick? Do you have a red rocket as well? Yeah, so how did it get to the sexy part? What happened? The dog comes out.

Yeah, so we're on the floor just trying to get to know the dog. He's really fucking intense. He's just barking at me. Wow, yeah, I wonder why They can sense evil And boners and fear and everything that was probably going on But then then like she leans in closer I was on the floor she's looking at me she goes you're nervous as shit Aren't you I'm like yeah, and then she just starts making out with you.

Yeah, exactly. She took control and basically raped you. Am I right? I mean, it was consensual. Of course it was consensual. Yes. I would love if it came out right here, right now on the podcast. And then she raped me.

So did it go right into sex? And how long did you last? Yeah, keep taking us through it. Let's just take it right through the story. We moved to the bed and we're sitting on the side of it. And then we start making out a bit. And then she takes my hand and puts it in her business. She took your hand and put it in her vagina?

The whole hand? It was this finger. Wow. He hasn't washed it since Yeah He also hasn't washed it before Now is her business a startup? Is it corporate? What is it?

So you Is there a for sale sign in the front? She's now put your hand inside of her and then what happens? Then the dog like Wow, I like this shit The dog is still on the loose? Yeah

This dog's a fucking asshole It just fucking It starts barking at her vagina while my finger's inside of it Oh yeah Absolutely Then you put the dog inside of it, right? Alright, red band.

Keep going with the story, Levi. You gotta push forward for me. So the dog's trying to cock block you. He's really good at it still. So then what happens? We eventually try to calm it down. We just lock it in the bathroom. Are you still just rock hard

during all of this? You're like, I don't know what to do. What do I do with the dog? It's a bargain. You're a pussy. Just standing there with some weird boner

and all the pubes in the world. Yeah, you probably weren't trimmed up at all. Yeah, I didn't expect my first threesome to have a dog in it so it was kind of weird.

So then what happens? Did you wear a condom? No condom? There was a condom and she had it. Yeah had it yeah she was prepared right and uh i learned like immediately like condoms kind of suck yeah it was your was it your first time putting on a condom yeah it was and uh so uh what you remember the type of condom that it was it was a trojan like basic trojan basic trojan. And there's the dog. The dog's chewing on the condom.

Bit into it. You're still trying to put it on, just pretending like nothing happened because you're afraid she doesn't have another condom. Then what happens? So eventually she lays on the bed and spreads her legs. So I get off top of her and she, you know. She put it in too? She put your dick in her too?

Yeah. She was very hands-on. I love it, dude. She fucking really was... This sounds like a good person to lose your virginity to. It was awesome, yeah. And how long would you say? Almost 10 to 15 minutes.

Oh. Well, that's really good, man. Wow, really? You probably had a lot of cork or whatever. It was a full moon that night. Wow. Annab night. Wow. Annabelle. Yeah.

How did you feel to be used like a Leonard Skinner dildo? Did you feel as free as a bird now? A little bit, yeah. All right. Well, 10, 15 minutes. That's very impressive. And then what? You finish inside the condom inside of her,

or did you pull it out and come on your own beard? No, I feel so... Because then, like, while we're getting drinks, I told her, like, my favorite thing in the world was the smash mouth joke I just did. Then she asked me afterwards, saying, hey, was that better than the smash mouth joke?

Wow. I didn't really have an answer. Yeah, because the answer is no. You enjoyed the smash mouth joke better than coming inside of a condom. A little bit. All right, Levi. When you came,

were you looking like in a mirror above the bed and you're like, I know you're an old boy. Get your game on, go play. Have you hooked up with her since, Levi? Yeah.

Are you dating now? Yeah. Oh, that's great. Is she here in the audience? No. So you've been hooking up since then. Right, you've been hooking up since then. Wow.

Very good, Jeremy. Nope, nope, nope, nope. Nope, stop. So annoying. Wow, let's have three sing-alongs in a fucking episode. Bafoonery. So, Levi, everything else has been good? You're hanging out doing spots in Seattle?

You're comfortable, cozy? Yeah, man, this is my home. I love it here. Well, we're happy that we were able to get you up here tonight. The great and powerful Levi Maness, everybody. He's on Twitter, at Levi Maness, M-A-N-I-S. What do you guys think? Go back to the bucket one more time, huh?

We're running out of time, but I guess we could maybe squeeze one more up here. All right. Put your hands together for your final comedian of the night, Dillam Kinsler, everyone. Dillam Kinsler, everyone. Dillam Kinsler. Here we go.

Hey, hey, hey. And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson. You will know. Hey, hey, hey. You guys having fun out there or what? This is your final comedian of the night. Here he is, Dillam Kinsler, everyone. What's going on, guys?

So, two reasons I don't like going to the gym anymore. Well, also having the pain the next day, but one day going to the gym, get this rash on my neck, go to the doctor's. Doctor says, Dylan, you're going to freak out. Don't freak out. You got herpes. Yeah, so I don't go to the gym anymore.

And then also, every time I walk in, there's an 80-year-old guy just wiping his balls right next to the entrance to the guy's locker room. And he's like, that guy's not even in shape. He's just here wiping his balls in front of all of us. Every time I come in here, it's just like, there's an old guy just gets off wiping his balls in front of me, and I think I'm going to turn into that guy just to fuck with people. Like, 60, 70 years old, just be like, yeah, I'm going to fucking spread this shit all the way until this is,

like, every kid comes in here thinking he's just going to wreck himself on the bench press. Show me up. Wipe my old wrinkly balls in front of him. That's all I got. Sorry, guys. There you go. Dillam Kinsler, everybody. Fuck yeah. Jesus loves you more than you will know.

So, Dillam, this is incredible. How did you get herpes from only masturbating? Doing squats at the bar. The doctor said the bar was dirty. He literally just said, let me guess, you're working out. This happened. I was like, I guess.

Really? You got it from working out? Yeah, I guess the bar. That's fucking hilarious. I was right. You actually didn't get it from sex. Are you fucking with me? Yeah, and when you tell your girlfriend

you get herpes from something else, it's a little weird. Yeah, that seems like a lie. You know, like, yo, I went to a tanning bed and got herpes, you know. My God, how long have you had a girlfriend for? This was way before. And actually, multiple girlfriends since then. Don't even ask.

Geez, all right, player. Yeah. My God. Yeah, I don't think you got it from working out. How old are you? I'm 27 years old. 27 years old. How have you plowed through a bunch of different girls? I don't think you got it from working out. How old are you? I'm 27 years old. 27 years old. How have you plowed through a bunch of different girls?

I don't understand. Hey, them high school girls. What? I'm just kidding. There really is. The mic's getting too close to your mouth, dude. Please. Dillum, stick with me over here.

She's freaking me out. So, wow. I mean, incredible that – what's your trick? I mean, you made a joke there about high school girls, but I want to know. Like you said, you've had multiple girlfriends lately, right? Oh, no. I'm married now, actually. Oh, really?

How long have you been married for? I've been married a year, actually, this month, next week. My goodness. So, what made you want to settle down and get married? You were living this lavish sex life. I'm a romantic, and she just settled me down. Yeah. Did you give her herpes yet?

We've talked about this a couple times. She has an outbroke recently, so I think we're okay. She has an outbroke. Outbroke. Dillam, what do you do for work? I work in the cannabis industry, actually. Cannabis industry. Yeah. Interesting. What do you do in the? I work in the cannabis industry, actually. Cannabis industry. Yeah.

Interesting. What do you do in the industry? Do you do packaging or something like that? Yeah, so I do packaging, quality assurance. I had a feeling. Because he doesn't really, you don't really, you're too innocent to be a grower, and no one would buy pot off an undercover cop like you. So I could just tell.

I did the math on it. First time I've ever guessed packaging. And by the way, all this weed will give you herpes, too. So I could just tell. I did the math on it. First time I've ever guessed packaging. By the way, all this weed will give you herpes, too. So why don't you name the company? Luckily, if you do get herpes from the weed, you could use some Infinite CBD to calm it down. You know what I mean?

Because stress can cause outbreaks. You know this, right, Dylan? I don't know at all. Well, there you go. You're an uneducated herpes person out there just probably spreading it, stressed out, going wild. And, yeah, you can go to InfiniteCBD.com, use the code KILTONI and save 15% any time. It's the best CBD.

All my friends, family, neighbors, everybody uses it now. So check it out. So, Dylan, anything else interesting about you? What's your wife do? My wife does marketing, and then I just do a lot of snowboarding. Wow. Wow, it's crazy you do a lot of snowboarding because you look like a skier. Wow.

What's that mean? White as hell. He's just like, I don't know. He's some type of- As well he should be. Looks one of like the- Oh, now Jeremiah has herpes. Yes.

Yes, now. Anybody everpes. Yes. Now. Anybody ever told you you look like Pete Holmes with lupus? I guess I see it a little bit. What else, Dylan? Any other fun facts that we should know about? You come from a privileged family. Both of your parents are still together, correct? Broken home from smaller city Tacoma in, and it's a little dirtier.

Oh, wow. Really? How broken was your home? I don't know. Are you talking about like a dollhouse or something like that? What do we mean broken? We grew up in a duplex, a rental house. She finally got married.

Wow. A duplex in Tacoma. That's in Tacoma that you're basically Bill Gates. Yeah. It's a good one. Wow. Duplex. All right, Dylanoma that you're basically Bill Gates. It's a good one. Wow. Duplex. Alright, Dylan. Well, you got up here.

It was fun to meet you. You have a little baby face. I mean, it's incredible to me that you're 27 and married and all that. Have you ever done stand-up before? No, this is actually my first time. First time ever. There you go. The goat of the first time for Dylan Kinsler.

And there you go, Dylan Kinsler. He's on Twitter. It's 710Northwest. How about that? Okay, sure. There you go. I said that was going to be the last one, but we realized we didn't get a woman up here tonight. Should we go through the bucket

until we pull a woman, huh? Hopefully there's a woman in the bucket. Absolutely. Sure there is. Absolutely. Sure there is. The Southern Bells are fans of that idea. It's not going to be Max. It's going to be... Is Cat? Cat must be a woman, huh? Cat Randall?

Cat? Is there a cat out there? Yes, it is a woman. Here she comes. Cat Randall, everybody. One, two, three. Oh. Grab a bunch of baby baby. There you go. Hide this girl's baby baby.

Hide this girl's baby baby. Why'd you leave the kids up on the table? Here you go, create another fable. You want to do grab a bunch of baby little makeup. Hide this girl's baby baby. Shake up. Why'd you leave the kids up on the table? One more time for Cat Randall, your final comedian of the night.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. You guys are so nice. I'm very nervous. This is my first time. Haven't been able to say that since I was 12 years old. Come from a small town, Skagit Valley. Wasn't much to do.

The Skagit. Not much to do. Skagit! The Skagit! Not much to do after grade school, really, besides get drunk outside. And I have unprotected sex, which I did a lot of, which led me to being a teen mom. Me and all my friends. One advantage to being a teen mom is that you're reminded often and for a long long time how young you are people tell you oh my god I can't believe you have a 10 year old you're so young until the other day someone asked me how old my daughter was

I told her um she's turning 21 next month, pretty excited, and their face immediately registered acceptance, and no surprise at all. Fuck yeah. Grab a bunch of little makeup. Hush with the baby with the Jacob. Roger, leave the keys up on the table. Here you go, great, another fable.

Grab a bunch of little makeup. Cat. You did it. You just popped your cherry again. Yeah. Congratulations. First time ever doing stand-up and you're already funnier than Amy Schumer. That is incredible. Yes. I just have to say, it's amazing. Let's check in with Annabelle over there.

Yeah, she looks like me if I was a manager at Hot Topic. Hey. Heck yeah. So Kat, congratulations. How many kids do you have? Just the one. Just the one. How old is he, she? She will be 21 in July. Wow. How old were you when you had her? 18. Wow. That's incredible.

That's so fun. You must be proud. What is she up to? She's a 21-year-old. It's a crazy age, right? It is. Yeah, she's actually doing all right. She works with kids, works for this after-school program through the Seattle School District. Oh, that's great. Is she single? No. She just got a new boyfriend.

Uh-oh. New boyfriend. Bad, bad. She's not Asian. No. Did you get your tubes tied right after it? Were you like, fuck this. I'm 18, I'm never doing this again? Nope, I just winged it for a while and got lucky. One of my favorite questions in the history of the show, did you get your tubes tied after that?

Well, I mean, because she was so young after that, that has to be traumatic as an 18-year-old. That's hard as fuck. Yeah, of course it is. Hard as fuck, which apparently shows now. No, I wouldn't say that. You have a cool Daryl Hannah vibe going on. It's a good thing.

Daryl Hannah's a badass. I'll get a little eye patch for you. So tell us, what else have you been up to? How'd you support a baby at 18? What did you do? Restaurants. So yeah, I waited tables. I cooked. I did managerial stuff. yeah where would you

where'd you keep the kid when you were making money how does that work my mind's always blown at the amazing power i think the most i think the most wonderful thing in this world is obvious i think we all do is fucking single moms grinding and doing whatever it takes to give their kid a fucking i mean we saw from a lot of the comedians you saw up here tonight, you see what it's like when they don't have a mother in their lives, right? That's how they end up. So, like, who watches the kid? Just fucking Barney and Power Rangers and shit? I mean, with restaurants, you know, you work nights,

so she's, you know, in school, and then you have a friend. I did have a... Like I said, all my friends had kids, too, so we did a lot of, like, flip-flop. I love it. Where were you, what were some of the restaurants you worked at? Would we recognize any of them? Denny's?

I feel like I'm getting a little bit of a Denny's vibe from you. Am I right? My mother was a Denny's waitress. Whoa, look at that. No, I worked at Cafe Minnie's, which is long closed. If any old school Seattle, Cafe Minis, 24-hour joint. I worked at Roxy's Diner in Fremont. Oh, all right.

Some fans. These people love food. Mostly mom and pop places. Right. How about now? What do you do now? Now I am a dog walker. I have a little business of my own.

Nice. Very fucking cool. Maybe Levi can hit you up so you could walk the cock-blocking dog that stops him from having sex all the time. For only 12 minutes at a time. Love it. Well, that's so fucking cool. Anything else on your... This is your first time doing

this. Is this something that you've always been interested in doing? Kind of. I mean, I've never really done much performance. I did a little like... I joined an improv class recently. Yeah. With the kids out of house, so I'm sort of like exploring. I love it. Yeah. What else is on your bucket list? What else do you want to

do? I'd like to travel somewhere outside of the continental U.S. would be nice. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't really gone anywhere. You ever been to Canada? I've been to Canada. I used to live in Bellingham, which is like just a hop over. Yeah. We actually, we went through Bellingham today. Yeah. We actually, we went through,

we went through Bellingham today. Yeah. That is interesting because you know, you didn't have like your 18 and up age and now you're kind of living life for your first time.

Wow. Empty nesting at like 38, you know, 39. Anyway, how about now that the's out of your house, you're getting some new

stepdads rolling in, you know what I mean? You're fucking rotating in some Daryl Manas for your Daryl Hannah, you know what I mean? Yeah, I do alright. I have a boyfriend. How long have you been with him? 12 years. 12 years? Wow, that's a long time

what does this guy do he's an electrician oh wow so many yeah he loves plugging you electrician wow that's incredible do you notice that he has any like special moves that he does in the bedroom does he do like uh because he's an electrician and he thinks crazy? Is that where you're going? Pretty good. There you go. Does he? Yeah, he does them all. Wow. That's very interesting. Look at that.

Isn't that fun? Your bedroom must smell like Pike Place 24-7. There's the low hanging fruit for you guys. Eve and I have to take a nibble every once in a while. He does all of them. He does, you know, the shocker.

He does the rocker. He does the spocker. And he does the clocker. Thank goodness. And he does the mocker where he just looks at it and is like, I'm not doing anything to you. Has he ever done the old Kurt Cobain and fucked a hole into your skull?

Oh my god. You guys still like these local references? Anyway. Before I let you go, you think you're ever going to do stand-up comedy again? I don't know. Maybe. I mean, I have written a lot of stuff over time, but the stage portion is, you know.

Let me tell you something. I'm going to tell you this. I don't know much. I mean, I just know what I've learned about you from the last few minutes, but I think you should fucking go for it. Your daughter's out of the house. You spent your entire life focused around that one

solitary goal. You've accomplished it. Now it's time to fucking have some fun and let it rip. You do stand-up comedy. You go to open mics. You're going to meet a lot of cool people that you can relate to, that you can hang out with, have fun with, and I think it's going to be good for you so nice thank you there she goes and we did it live from the first time ever in seattle

washington fuck i lost that name the fuck did that go god damn it one more time for Kat, everybody. I lost a fucking piece of paper. So much fun. First ever Kill Tony in Seattle. Did you guys enjoy yourselves? One more little bonus surprise that we have for you that I didn't mention earlier is that we have Ryan J. E, customized, limited edition posters that we brought with us that we're going to be signing and selling for only $20

on your way out. We'll sign them for you. We'll take a picture with you, shake your hand. You can say hello. You can meet us. We also have pins for sale. I do. I have Tony Hinchcliffe pins available with my fucking face on them.

And if you want, they don't have the facial hair, though. But if you want, I can take a black Sharpie and draw in the mustache for you. Leave a little space under the nose the way you like it. Or you'll tape a single blade of hair to it. Yes, there you go. Very good. Fuck yeah. Shoehorn that in.

Anyway, how about another hand for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, huh? Sweet, sweet Annabelle. What a lovely southern belle indeed. Polite. The manners on this one. Jeremiah wonders. This is his podcast. Follow him on YouTube at Jeremiah Watkins.

The new Reagan and Watkins album comes out June 7th. Their debut album, self-titled Reagan and Watkins. You can preorder it now at ReaganandWatkins. The new Reagan and Watkins album comes out June 7th. Their debut album, self-titled Reagan and Watkins. You can pre-order it now at ReaganandWatkins.com. You can come to the viewing party at the Comedy Store June 6th where he's going to have a lot of the friends of Reagan and Watkins, me, Red Band, a bunch of other amazing people, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez will be there. Anything else, Jeremiah?

We've got also some band posters for sale that Ryan J.E. Bell made as well. That's right. Available for $20. You can buy those if you want. How about another hand for the one and only Joelberg Joel Jimenez. Motherfucking Taco Bell. She did it tonight. Joelberg's on social media at Mostly Sorry.

Anything else, Joel? First time in Seattle. Yep. Hell yeah. We love you guys. Peace. Absolutely. Make sure you follow Kill Tony show on Instagram so you can get updated follow ups on everything that's happening through the crazy tour and Kill Tony on Twitter as well how about

a hand for the great and powerful Brian Redband everyone thanks a lot guys see you later you guys were amazing we'll definitely be back we love you Thank you so much Good night Thank you.