Leah on the Line - 82: He's been messaging his ex "about their pets" & my best friend kissed my ex!!!

Episode Date: September 4, 2023

Hey babes! Welcome back to another episode of Leah on the Line. Thank you so much for all of your love and support on the podcast, it honestly means the world to me. I hope you love this one!Head to leahontheline.com to send in your dilemmas and confessions. Love you! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello hi everyone welcome back to a brand new episode of leah on the line happy tuesday happy tuesday everybody how are you how's your weekend hope you're all feeling really really good well i don't think i need to say it but but I'm going to say it. You all know what I'm going to say. The sun is out. The sun is shining for probably one week only, but who knows? I know there's loads of you that as soon as it struck September 1st, the pumpkin decorations were out. The autumnal bed throw made its way on you know the the whole aesthetic of your life it changed you might be disappointed by this me however i'm buzzing oh i just feel like i don't know what i did to deserve this like it's just the best

ever nothing makes me happier than a hot sweaty day i say that and then I go out and I'm like bit hot bit bit hot couple of degrees lower it'll be perfect but 27 bit hot bit hot do you know what I mean but you you know what I'm just buzzing with it I'm going to the beach tonight to watch the sunset so it's a clear sky today we're gonna to go to chesil beach beautiful beach if you're near sunset highly recommend absolutely gorgeous especially if you can get a good sunset pebble beach though and i tell you what right the water's fucking deep i'm not a water girl as we've discovered maybe that's because i'm a fire sign maybe it's because i'm a massive pussy, but I don't do well with water. Okay. All reasons, all of them swimming.

Why do I have to learn? Why can I not just do it? Because I'm not supposed to be in the water. Correct. You know why? You know, fish don't have to let, they can just swim because they belong in the water. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

So that's number one. I can swim. It's not my strong point point I can only do breaststroke I can't do the front crawl wait which one's which yeah I can only do the little froggy one nice relaxing swim when I was a kid I used to like the goggles where they would cover your nose and I'd throw my hair bands at the bottom of the swimming pool on holiday and swim like a mermaid and catch it and come up and be like Cleo you know that was me but as I've gotten older I've got more scared and the thing is another thing I don't like about the sea fish I know what you're thinking they

literally live there it's literally their home I know that that's why I'll leave them to it as soon as I step foot in the water and it could be a tiny fish it could be one centimeter big right i'll scream i'll run run run run when we're in portugal i would be like feet in the water jamie would be like wasting right just so i he wasn't too far away from me and there'd be fish all around him i was like babes you're surrounded by actual sharks mate and he'll be like this is literally just a tiny fish it's not gonna hurt you like just come over no i did actually get in quite deep. I was feeling a bit of a crazy girl. And you know what's funny, right? I'm going to Tenerife in October. I went last October. I will go to the water park again. Why? Not sure. Will I be going on slides that your head goes

underwater? Positively not, no. And do you know what's funny right we let me know actually if anyone else gets this right i choke on the air just in general like i can be in the back seat of a car even in the passenger seat of a car windows down i'm like that i can't breathe i'm the only person i've ever met in my life all the people have and whoa I just got stuck I was glitching for ages then the only people I've ever met in my life that get this is my sister and my auntie and anyone else I get I'm like do you like choke on the wind they're like no like what are you talking about I can't even breathe right like that's how malfunctioned I am and when I went down the water slides in Tenerife I will only go

on the ones where you don't plunge into water at the end right I will only go on the ones where I'm in a ring nice and safe I have to watch about 10 people do it first and make sure not one of them falls out of the ring because if one falls out not doing it that means there's a chance that could be me and no thank you I tell you let me pause interject that with another story when I was in portugal as a child we went to the water park right and i went on one of them slides my fear hadn't fully developed then i truly believe it started on this holiday first one being another story in my story in a story i was stood at the deep end of a swimming pool watching my brother and sister who are brave

that actually go in the deep end of a swimming pool and some random guy i don't even know him he must have been about my age now when i was nine picks me up launches me in the pool just launches me in deep end drowning literally got some him got some drowning i didn't drown i'm being really dramatic but yeah he did then jump in after me and help me out and i thought what a twat and i didn't get in the pool for the rest of that day I did get in the next day but it was really traumatizing anyway so back to the other story I'm at the water park in Portugal I'm nine years old I go on one of these slides where you plunge into water at the bottom yeah someone tell me why I was acting like it was 10 meters deep it was probably a meter deep not even no no no half a meter deep max right i plunge in slide on my back underwater i'm under the water yeah i'm panicking wailing around and everyone all my family's standing again just stand

up just stand up i was like i'm drowning i'm drowning and then some i clocked what they were telling me just stand up and i was like oh let me let me give that a go put my feet onto the floor and just stand up literally up lower than my waist when i stood up lower than my waist and i was nine so that's how shallow it was right before i was drowning so just because of the trauma of that i'm so scared so anyway back to now i'm a tenner reef last year going down these water slides only going on one to the rubber rings yeah and when i tell you it's like somebody put a tube in my mouth and was just blowing down my lungs like that i couldn't breathe hon i was literally like my mum was in the same ring as me i'm going mum i think i'm gonna have a panic attack

like that dead serious really trying to calm myself down trying not to have a panic attack i was like pitch black in this tunnel so i can't even see anyone i'm just telling myself you're fine there's gonna be a light in a minute you're gonna see a light and you're gonna just hover on the water and you're gonna be safe and i was like mum i think i'm gonna have a panic attack do you know what she said she said this i don't know what you're laughing at that's it she's so scared anyway yeah so why am i talking about that so yeah i'm going to the beach tonight i just told about four stories yeah i'm going to the beach tonight but it's going to be a nice sunset beach i'm going to bring a nice sweatshirt although i probably won't need it because it's that hot

and we're going to get a pizza because there's a van it's not like a van it's like a food van not like a like a dodgy white van right there's a truck that sells pizza and they smell so good and last time we went they ran out of pizza i was like well close fucking close up shop then hon i got well excited. Anyway, I'm going to get pizza. We're going to sit on the stones, on the pebbles. I might dip my feet in. Who knows?

Might get a pic in the water. So if you see me on Instagram looking all aesthetic in the water, just know it didn't go down like that. To be fair, I probably won't. I tried last time. Couldn't make it work. I can't be aesthetic. I can't be aesthetic full full stop let alone in water like fighting all those fears and intrusive thoughts about what is around me whether it's

gonna hurt me is is literally so irrelevant i'm so uninterested in the in in the danger of it it's the get a slimy little fish get off me i literally don't want it anywhere near me but anyway how are you guys what are you guys doing today i hope you're enjoying the sunshine to be fair i can imagine i i started to get a little bit like well you know summer's over let's just look forward to the to the autumn season the winter the highlights of it you know we've got halloween going to hall of screen this year went last year it was sick but we'll be going there again this year and then you've got the christmas period fucking stunning and i started to just think about the positives of it and then i checked the weather app she said

whoa honey get them summer shorts out from under the bed it's not time for the wardrobe changeover just yet get them out whack them on yeah so I'm really looking forward to it anyway we've got a gorgeous episode today guys a nice long one the weekly debate I did actually spoil it last week by telling you because I couldn't cope I couldn't wait I just couldn't cope with it and I'm really excited it's a really good one so yeah I hope you're all feeling really good. Thank you for being in my company today. Thank you so much for having me in yours. Let's get into the episode. Thank you so much for listening to Lear on the Line. Head to learontheline.com to send in your

dilemmas and confessions. Remember to follow on socials to see visual clips and get involved with the weekly debates. Enjoy the episode. Love you. visual clips and get involved with the weekly debates. Enjoy the episode. Love you. Okay, everyone. Actually, something just come to my mind, right? I don't think I've ever mentioned this on the pod. So I have this thing. It is self-diagnosed, but it's called Alice in Wonderland syndrome. It 100% is it, right? Okay, because me and my sister sister I want to know if any one of my listeners has ever experienced this it was way worse when we was kids right and basically my mum her twin sister and me and my sister were the only people I've ever met in my whole life that have had this right you just feel like everything's going really quick but you know it ain't it feels like everyone's

talking to you like this like everything's like 100 miles an hour but you know it ain't and then the only way i could ever get rid of it was to put music on or i'd feel like actually i feel like i have told this story i don't know anyway sometimes i'd feel like i was sat on my computer playing sims when i was a teenager and i'd feel like a giant i feel like a giant on this keyboard like a big giant i'm really tall and my sister would go she feels like tiny like she's so tiny and it's like this weird distortion of reality around you and it's so fucking trippy and weird it's literally like you're tripping out and it lasts anywhere between a minute to like three minutes long for us and it was really weird and it's so bizarre and we'd always say to each

other like oh my god i've got that fucking thing where everything's going really fast or like oh i've got that thing where i feel really big and or feel really tiny and like a little mouse anyway i was googling it for years literally all my life i was like what is this what is this what is this it's not like scary or nothing like it's just really weird and trippy and i would google it and i never ever found anything i never found anything that even was describing it a little bit and then one day i came across this whole article about alice in wonderland syndrome and i thought well if there's a title for it it's fucking that do you know what i mean it makes sense was reading into it i was like that's me hun that's literally it so i want to know if anyone in the listeners what anyone anyone listening what has ever had it it's worse when

you're younger it tends to wear off when you're when you're older and you don't really get it much and probably get it once every five years to be honest now but i'd get it like a couple of times a week when i was young anyway just we just needed to put that out there i'm dying to ask okay weekly debate next thing i'm dying to ask okay weekly debate next thing i'm dying to ask can you be friends with someone you know has a crush on you whilst you're in a relationship is that fucking good question or what shout out to the absolute babe that sent that in we do have a dilemma from her as well so we will get to that but i'm so intrigued to know what you guys think about this so let's have a little look no it would make partner uncomfortable absolutely not is it's disrespectful to your partner

I think out of respect for your partner you shouldn't be even if you don't fancy them if my boyfriend was friends with a girl who liked him I'd be pissed off so probably no no it's not fair on them and your partner and it's misleading. This is so tough. I wouldn't want to lose a friend, but wouldn't want to disrespect my boyfriend either. Yes, as long as you set some boundaries. I think it's okay if there's boundaries that aren't crossed. No, it's selfish. It's not fair on literally anyone involved and there is no way anyone wins. Oh my God, that's so true to be fair.

If you're a woman with decent morals yes if you're a man no tried and tested um if you keep them at arm's length and it's respected you can but this is definitely a time to establish appropriate boundaries tried it ended up causing so many arguments between me and my partner so i'm gonna go with no no you need distance it's disrespectful to your partner yes no fucking way as long as you're sorry as long as there's no history and you've never been interested in them then yeah um been there doesn't work he got so jealous of my boyfriend tried to make us split and went to kiss me in front of my boyfriend on a night out oh my god i would hate my boyfriend

being friends with a girl who liked him so no but be nice and civil as much as it's a shame i don't think so personally i think when you have feelings for someone you're vulnerable and if those feelings aren't reciprocated you're in danger of leading them on unintentionally it is true to be fair yes but you need to make sure they respect your relationship a hundred percent it brings me back to the debate i did with talia when i had talia on she went on i think she was live streaming and she said like has anyone got any weekly debate ideas and one of her followers suggested is it appropriate to tell someone in a relationship that you have feelings for them so it kind of brings me to this because if they've told you they like you and you have a boyfriend or girlfriend they they've

already showed a lack of respect however if if you've known beforehand and then you get into a relationship then what you know um it depends on them if they're respectful of your relationship and your boundaries as long as they're respectful of the relationship and don't act upon it you can't choose who you fall for i mean you can it's just not fair to your person or to oh to that person or to your partner as long as your partner is okay with it this is where trust comes in there has to be no chance of you and the person becoming an item regardless of your relationship yeah i feel like that's a good point. Like we can go to our boyfriend or girlfriend and say like, you know, are you comfortable with me continuing a friendship with this person now that we know this information, you know? I'll tell you what I think. I think it's actually more complicated than we think.

Because imagine it's like a family friend, someone you've known for years, literally to you always felt like a cousin or something, you know, know those family friends like your mum's the best friends or whatever and they're like I've got feelings for you then I can't cut you up my life we've grown up together you know we're basically family what we're supposed to do here then we set boundaries and we creates a level of distance I think inappropriate to hang out one-on-one after this point. But at the same time, you know, if the shoe was on the other foot, it's a difficult one.

Because I say this when it comes to male-female friendships, or this is for heterosexual relationships, friendships, whatever. If I'm a straight girl and I'm friends with a straight guy, right? And he tells me he's got feelings for me i always say that i don't believe a guy and a girl a heterosexual guy and a girl can be just friends best best friends i'm talking like really really good friends

you can be friends but best friends i find it's never happened for me i know loads i'm not going to get into it again because we've already done the debate and loads of you have an argument on that because you have a friendship, which to be honest, I'm happy to be wrong, to be fair. But it's just in my experience, right? And I felt like I've got a really good friendship with a guy and as soon as they try it or they start flirting or they, you know, they get a bit pissed

and they want to kiss you or they tell you they like you, blah, blah, blah. or they start slagging off your boyfriend blah blah blah that's when I don't see you as a friend anymore because I feel like your intentions with me aren't right and I feel like you're trying to take advantage of me by pretending you're my friend you know this is in my experience I've been friends with a guy and I felt like I can trust you talk to you about relationships about dating issues that I've got lean on your shoulder when I'm upset and blah blah blah and then I feel like it was all bullshit and I'm like oh you didn't actually care about me as a friend like you just wanted to fucking get with me once you know that

so I think regardless of like the relationship situation I think it's hard to be friends with someone when you know they've got feelings for you because for me personally I just feel like well you don't actually view me as a friend then like all this friendship stuff we've been doing like you actually have different intentions and for me that sort of ruins it regardless does that make sense to anyone right because it's like if if i have got a boyfriend and you've told me knowing i've got a boyfriend you don't respect my partner you also have a lack of respect for me i feel like because it's like you think that i'm gonna what you think i'm gonna do something with you now when i'm in a relationship like what I don't know but then

going back to the Talia episode debate sometimes you've just got to get it off your chest and shoot your shot because you never know they could actually feel the same so you could tell them with the intention of like look if you don't feel the same tell me shut me down and I'll do everything I can to let go of this crash I've got but I don't think I could move on with my life without telling you if it's that deep you know because there is a chance that you might feel the same yeah you're in a relationship but there is a chance because it does happen so I had to tell you in case so I get it I get why somebody would tell you but can you be friends with them past that point?

It's fucking hard. I think the only way you could is if, like I said, it was like a long, long term friendship. You grew up together. You see them as like a family member. That's when it's difficult. But regardless, I think boundaries still need to be set in place. You know, you still need to, to you know I have a boyfriend or girlfriend I don't see you like that this I understand why you've told me but it has changed things and it is going to be difficult to go back to a friendship the way it was before because now I know we're not on the same page one I don't want to lead you on two I don't want to disrespect anybody I don't want to hurt anybody so now it's

difficult and what are your intentions with me when i'm coming to you for support and emotional support are you actually sat there like yeah break up with him break up with him you know so yeah it's so difficult let's see what else we've got um my boyfriend experienced this when he and i started dating at work and his work bestie began really getting really jealous of our relationship and he felt conflicted about who to spend his break time with, etc. He wanted to make us both happy. But at the end of the day, he chose being with me over his friendship with her

and she's now out of the picture. We're six years strong now and happy. Yeah, I mean, sometimes it's like, well, you're going to disrespect me out of fear of hurting her feelings like what you know she wasn't scared to hurt my feelings when she decided so that she you know um i would say yes but then if my boyfriend had a friend that had a crush on him i would scream yeah as long as you're not the one with the crush as long as you set boundaries and your partner is aware yeah 100 i actually agree long as you set boundaries and your partner is

aware yeah 100% I actually agree that it's really important that your partner is aware like I don't think it's appropriate to continue a friendship with somebody keeping that secret from them I do think it would be a case of like look Billy spoke to me today he told me that he likes me I feel really awkward I obviously told him straight away that I don't see him like that how do you feel about this because I'm sure a lot of people will be really chill and be like oh it's fine like people are gonna fancy you aren't they like as long as you've made it clear that you're not into him whatever people are gonna have a crush on you just life but a lot of people be like we better fucking back off mate back off so yeah uh great weekly debate i thoroughly enjoyed that one really like those

kind of questions so if you have weekly debate ideas send them in babes i love hearing your ideas so yeah leerontheline.com okay guys let's get into some dilemmas okay guys who is ready we're gonna kick it off with the weekly debate inspired dilemma let's go let's dive straight in everybody hey leah loving the podcast as always thank you i love you i have a weekly debate question based off my current situation the question is can you be friends with someone you know has a crush on you whilst you're in a relationship for context i've been in a relationship for three years with my boyfriend and we are very, very happy. However, a few weeks ago, I made friends with a couple of guys through the sport we play and we got on super well. One of them followed me on Instagram and started

messaging me. I was with my boyfriend at the time and was like, should I reply to this? My boyfriend is super chill and trusts me a thousand percent and was like he's just being nice so just reply we've been texting for the past few weeks but he always tries to be flirty and i always shut him down by bringing up my boyfriend ignoring the message etc great fantastic work on a night out he admitted he was really attracted to me and i just laughed out of awkwardness and talked about something else he is someone I see on a regular basis and he's a really lovely guy outside of the flirting etc. I just can't help but feel guilty when I speak to him knowing he fancies me. Do I just keep resetting the boundaries and reminding him I'm not interested or is this a I should cut him off out of respect for my boyfriend? Okay so I think we tell the bf what's gone down you know this is what he

said to me how do you feel and we need to come to some some sort of agreement because obviously like you say you play sport I don't know if you play sport with them or you're just around each other because you play the same sport whatever so you said you're going to be seeing this guy a lot so i don't think we need to have a big we can't be friends anymore you know but if you can talk to your partner which you said he's like really really chill see what he wants from you and then i think if your boyfriend's like look whatever you want to do it's fine i trust you 100 then it just comes down to what you're comfortable with and if being around him and him flirting with you makes you really uncomfortable then we pull back and you can say that to him if

you feel like you need to if you feel like he needs an explanation or if he asks for an explanation then you can just be like look obviously I'm in a relationship and like you've said you fancy me you're quite flirt with me it's not that's not my vibe that's not my intentions with you we're obviously on different pages i find it a bit inappropriate and maybe he'll be like okay cool i'll stop like sorry i don't realize it's making you uncomfortable i'll stop because at the end of the day it's probably not that deep probably just thinks you're sexy which you are and maybe we can come to an agreement all right i'll stop that i understand it's inappropriate or if it's not really bothering you

that much and and the only reason it's making you uncomfortable is because of how it might be affecting your boyfriend and then your boyfriend says oh don't bother me babe people fancy you i trust you then you might just feel a lot more chill and you might be able to just feel more relaxed about the situation so next time he is flirting i just joke like can you stop flirting with me mate you're literally possessing me stop flirting with me i've got boyfriend stop flirting with me do you know what i mean why you flirting with me i've got boyfriend okay i'll tell my boyfriend i'll get my boyfriend on you and it doesn't have to be that deep because it's not that deep yet but obviously the more you sort of allow he might see it as like a green flag and be like all right green light we got the go ahead she

doesn't mind me flirting with her she's into it she's into it and then we might have to get to the point where we're like can we stop you know so yeah i think talk to your partner let's have a little chat make sure everyone's on the same page and then come to an agreement together what you're going to do about the situation because that's what's important how you're both feeling and what makes you both comfortable you know but i love you thank you so much for this dilemma and the weekly debate was fucking fantastic all right good luck keep us updated with that one let me know how the chat with the bf goes or if you've already had it well yeah then just do do what makes you both comfortable love you babe next dilemma hey leah

i love your podcast so much it's so helpful oh i love you thank you i'm so glad it's helpful here's my dilemma so my boyfriend of almost two years is currently on a lad's holiday in brackets yawn i know but for the last few months he's been giving me such mixed signals on how he feels towards me okay almost two years i was just thinking how long we've been together almost two years okay and we're getting mixed signals now brilliant one minute he's telling me how beautiful i am and how much he loves me next minute he acts like he doesn't even want to know me like we'll be having a cuddle on the sofa and he'll be telling me how lucky he is to have me but suddenly two minutes later he'll tell me

he to literally just leave him alone two minutes fucking hell i've just got comfortable i've expressed this to him and told him how i felt loads but he doesn't seem to even know he's doing it or understand why i'm upset well it's a fucking lost cause you know i've tried he's the same over text on his holiday and it's keeping me up at night no joke i had three hours of sleep last night no it's the worst feeling in the world babes also whenever i express that i'm not in a good place mentally about anything it seems he just closes up gives no empathy and doesn't want to hear about it like i'm some kind of liability ew sorry this is a long

one any advice would be amazing love you girl love you first of all i'm so sorry you're feeling like this i'm so sorry you don't feel like your boyfriend is emotionally supportive that is fucking shit right but the mixed signals what the hell you've said you've tried to express it to him loads and he just not only is he going i mean he's not even going okay yeah i get it i get i can see that i'm gonna try not to he's not he can't even see it he's just going well i don't really get i don't get me so upset about it's the lost cause how can i work with that you don't even see the problem let alone have the capability to work on it you don't even see it you don't even acknowledge it you don't even recognize it so what do you want me to do with that hun you know what do you want

me to do with this babe you're looking me in the eye and telling me i don't get it what am i supposed to do with you so he honestly doesn't get it that's what you're saying and what are you supposed to do with that like you don't get it i can't bang you in the head with a hammer and say look what you're doing like it's pretty obvious i don't know if i believe that he doesn't see it it kind of feels like he doesn't give a fuck or he doesn't have the emotional intelligence to process it and put himself in your position it seems like like you said he lacks empathy doesn't have the ability to put himself in someone else's shoes that is a bad trait in a partner from off the bat as a bestie i'm going to tell you you deserve better someone better than that at the very minimum we deserve somebody that can listen to our feelings and try to understand it at the below the barrel minimum right if he

was turning around and saying to you i get it you know i've just got some shit going on sometimes my mood just changes i know it's a problem i recognize it it's not fair on you i'm sorry we then we can that's easy to make excuses to stay then you know he's working on he knows what he's doing he's trying but how how can i make an excuse for you how can i make an excuse for your behavior towards me when you just say I don't know what you're about because when we're in this situation that you're in we try and make excuses for it because we don't want to leave obviously and we don't want to believe someone just doesn't care so we make excuses how can how can I make excuses for that you know so

it's really hard because obviously you don't want to not be with him. You just want him to show up for you and give a fuck. But I'm just getting the feeling that it's only going to get worse because it's been two years. And it's like, what is this mixed signals about now? You know, I don't know how long he's been giving you mixed signals. I think you just said recently. So, it sounds like it's kind of a new feeling that we've got, which is shit after two years.

Now you don't want me to cuddle you. And then you do, and then you don't. And that makes me feel so disposable, so rejected, so unloved, so unwanted, so unheard. And I deserve better than that. That's the mentality, babe And I deserve better than that. That's the mentality, babe. You deserve better than that. And I think, I think we're given ultimatum, to be honest. I think it's, look, I've tried to explain this to you, that one minute it's, I'm so lucky, you're so beautiful,

I don't know how I got so lucky, you're my whole world. And then it's, can you get off me? Can you just get off me? Can you just leave me alone? should leave me alone and you you have you have the right to say to him that is not good enough for me like i deserve better treatment than that don't speak to me like that don't tell me to get off you you can say sorry i'm just getting a bit claustrophobic one minute you know i'm sorry i'm just getting a bit hot sorry babe you know not can you just get off me you just get off me and then ignoring you and treating you like shit and you're up all night you have the right to say that I do not deserve that that is not good enough and if you can't at the very least acknowledge it right here or right now if you can't even acknowledge it i'm leaving because i

that that to me says you're not going to change it you're not going to be different you're not going to you're not you're never going to make this feeling that i'm feeling go away because you don't even realize what you're doing you don't see it as an issue so if you're sitting here telling me you don't see it as an issue that is you sitting here telling me i'm going to feel like this forever and that is not what i want so if that's what you're telling me say it with your chest babe and I'll walk away right now that's what I think but obviously easier said than done but I I would say this I truly believe the only time someone will ever change is if they are they feel on the floor rock bottom that they have lost you and if talking to him isn't helping and you know trying

to communicate with him is fucking is a fucking waste of time where does that leave you what are your options then you know so have a little think about that just remember no matter what i'm here for you babe no matter how it goes you've got all of us to drag you through it you're strong enough pretty enough amazing enough smart, amazing enough, smart enough, funny enough to stand there with your head held high and say, this is shit behavior. And I actually want more from you. And if you're not going to give me more, I'm out of here. I'll give myself to someone that deserves it and appreciates it. You know what I'm saying? All right. I love you. Next dilemma love you next dilemma hi babe firstly I absolutely

adore you and the podcast I've listened to every single episode it's my safe space oh my god that means so much to me I love it sorry this might be a long one it's okay we love the long ones so a little bit of context I have this absolute best friend. Let's call her Sally. She's more of a sister than a friend. We've been friends for 15 plus years. So we've been through everything together. At one point, she was even going to move into my family home due to issues with her parents. She came to my dad's wedding, my sister's 21st birthday. So we are very close and know everything about each other. I was with my ex-boyfriend for nearly seven years. He cheated on me multiple times, which Sally was always the person I would go to. I've even watched her throw

a drink over my ex-boyfriend sticking up for me. Fucking love that from Sally. She has always been that one person that I would say is a good friend above anything else. Someone who would always have my back, even when I'm not there. Love that. That's a fucking friend. Over the bank holiday, I received a text from Sally, asking if she could give me a call. It was very vague,

but obviously I said she could. She called me saying she had something to tell me. Oh, and that it would probably be the end of our friendship. So obviously I immediately panicked oh fuck i know where this is fucking going she told me that she was out at the weekend and she bumped into my ex-boyfriend and kissed him guys could you imagine i'm shaking with rage i couldn't speak to her at the time as i was so shocked and upset i still haven't spoken to her but i am so upset by this whole thing it's not

that she kissed him specifically as i don't care about him at all anymore it's just that i would never expect her to do anything like that to me it just hurts a lot am i overreacting no no you're not should i forgive her not sure do i have the right to be upset yes do i have the right to be upset yes my head is all over the place it feels as if my sister has done this to me and she's the one person i always thought i had my back i hope this all makes sense i'm a bit all over the place I love you bye oh babes you absolutely have the right to be upset no you are not overreacting fucking hell you know what makes it worth the fact she was there for you every time she threw a drink over him she was team you she was team besties for life and she just fucking kissed him first of all him what a prick i nearly said c word then but back to her what a prick that is a dick move

i don't know if that's forgivable that it that, a lot of people would say no. I think most people would say no fucking way is that forgivable. But I think it's a case of how sorry is she? You know, is she, the fact she's told you, I'm glad. I'm glad she's told you because if you found out from someone else, fuck no, she'd be dead to me. Like, fuck that. You are out of my life forever if I found out from someone else. The fact she's told you makes it 0.5% more forgivable. I think it depends on your friendship, on how much she means to you, how sorry she is and how much you believe she would never hurt you again. Because not only is that a betrayal of loyalty to you, it's you've made me look like a fucking prick, mate. He will be eating that up. Yeah,

kiss their best mate as well. That's what make me so livid that he gets to say that you know so there is wrong on so many levels the fact that i don't know when this happened to be fair you said she said i went out on the weekend so i'm hoping this was the following week and she's told you pretty soon which makes it 0.5% more forgivable so we're on 1% forgivable at the moment but is she I'm so sorry I can't forgive myself I fucking hate myself for it I can't believe I've done this I'm such an idiot I'm so disappointed in myself I'm disgusted in myself because nothing could ever make me do that to my friend. And the thing is, I'm the same as you, right? It's not about the, it's not about the guy. You know, I don't care

that he's getting with people. I don't fucking care. I don't care. You kissed my ex-boyfriend. is betrayal it's betrayal and if that was me if i was in your shoes my biggest issue would be the anger of like you selfish bitch you know it's so selfish like you was loving the attention that much that you didn't give a shit about my feelings I'm swearing a lot sorry but you were that selfish you were eating up all this attention he's giving you you was obviously flirting for a bit as well and I became so irrelevant in that moment so unimportant in that moment that the attention you were getting from my ex-boyfriend meant more to you in that moment than our friendship and that's fucked so that is what would hurt me is the fact that it's selfish and you didn't care about my feelings in that moment it's not about him he could kiss a million

girls i don't give a fuck you're my best friend you are my best friend and I I couldn't forgive it personally thinking about it no oh next week's weekly debate maybe it's fucking good isn't it I couldn't forgive it and I'll tell you why because I'd look at them completely different. You said, you know, I thought she'd be the one person that would never let me down. You would never hurt me. And you've hurt me. I look at you totally different. You're not who I thought you were. Our friendship isn't what I thought it was. I couldn't forgive it. It's not about the ex. It's about the friendship. It's about the fact that I will look at you totally different. I don't trust you now. I can't depend on you now. I don't care about me when you're sat there giving me emotional support advice guidance shoulder means it means nothing now so i personally can't forgive it but

it's just up to you that's no one else's opinion or decision if you can genuinely look past it that's a good thing if you can forgive her that is a good thing because you you don't want to lose your friendship you obviously don't but oh to be fair i'm thinking if she was on the floor crying her eyes out could i forgive it oh i want you to show me that you're so sorry, to be honest, if that's my best friend. I'd want to know that you're so sorry for that and that it's hurt you doing it. I want to know that you're hurt and not selfishly. I don't want to think that you're in pain because now you're a bad person for what you've done. I don't want you to feel upset because of how you feel about yourself. I want you to be upset because of how you feel about yourself I want you to be upset

because of how you've affected me and our friendship I want that to be what's important to you right now you know um if they're so so so so so sorry and you can feel that to your core that they regret it and they are so sorry for the right reasons. It's forgivable, but it's hard to forgive. It is hard to forgive that, to be quite honest, in my personal opinion. I will do that as a weekly debate, though, because I'm sure there are loads of people that can forgive it and be like, look, we ain't together no more. She's just a dick for it, you know, but we can we can move past this it's whatever it's just a kiss whatever she's sorry it's fine but for me friendship if this is my best friend you've been friends with this girl for 15 years right friendship is so important to me that I'd find it really hard to move on because I find betrayal one of the most painful feelings in the world so yeah that's just because of how I feel

about friendships best friendships it would be really hard to look at them the same but I can imagine I could probably forgive one day it would take me a long time to move past it and I could probably forgive I reckon I'd have to not talk to you for a year like it would take me a long time I'd have to not care anymore and then I'd forgive you but I don't think our friendship would ever be the same again I think I'd hold you at more of an arm's length and I wouldn't let you in as much and that's just really sad I'm really sorry that she did this to you to be honest like I am but because you've been friends for so many years if she's really sorry I think you can forgive her if you feel like you can you know um but yeah just make sure she's sorry because if she's not you don't need a friend like that anyway like if somebody can hurt you and

they're not sorry about it ask yourself why you want to be friends with them you know but yeah oh babes I love you so much i just i hope she feels really bad for it and i hope she is telling you you're my best friend in the whole world i hate myself for what i did and you can forgive her you can learn to forgive her together you know hopefully she's like oh i can't forgive myself you know i want you in turmoil over what you've done to be fair i know those people listen like fucking only a bit dramatic it's only a kiss but friendships friendship is very important to me okay all right next dilemma oh help i'm falling for my friend's brother hey gorgeous girl i love

your podcast and your energy so much i listen religiously every week i love you so much so i have a dilemma there's a couple of layers to this story so sorry if it's long for context we are all in our mid-20s i made friends with a girl at work let's call her sophie and have since quit my job however we have recently become much closer she's even one of my best friends now and we went on a night out together about a month ago. Her brother, let's call him Jack, ended up coming along with us and I'd never met him properly but we hit it off. Sophie wingmaned us. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him. I wasn't expecting much after but he reached out the following day and we ended up going on a few dates to fancy

restaurants and even having dinner with his parents. However I already knew the parents through Sophie so it's not as deep as it sounds. He's funny, ambitious and awkward but in a cute way. Sophie and the family are encouraging us to get together and I've caught feelings hard but I'm not so sure he has. He's never had a girlfriend and his friends and Sophie are constantly making jokes about how terrible he is with girls and how he has no game. We see each other about once a week but he's not a texter and I only hear from him like once or twice a day and his chat is dry. Sometimes he'll even view my stories but not text me back for a while. To me this makes me feel like he's not that interested.

Maybe I'm being silly because I know everyone shows affection in different ways, but in all my previous relationships, the guy seemed a lot more chatty when we weren't together. We do have a fourth dinner date planned for in two days' time though. I'm wondering if maybe because he's so inexperienced with girls, I need to take the lead a bit more. I'm not sure how to do this. I'm quite shy with making the moves. I get a little anxious and generally prefer them to take the lead. But I do like this boy and he has a lot of qualities I'm looking for in a man. He's just a bit bad at communicating and I can't really tell where his head's at. It's only been a couple of

months. Oh no, sorry. It's only been a month. Why? I literally just added words. It's only been a month. So I'm not in a place where I feel we can openly chat about these things yet and i don't want to put any pressure on him he was blackout drunk the other day and kept calling me his missus so honestly he needs to stop feeding my delusions if he's not feeling it so my questions are how do i take the lead more and initiate us to build a deeper connection i don't think i've ever told a boy i like him without them saying it first because i'm so scared of getting hurt and two how do i make sure it doesn't turn sour between me and sophie if it doesn't work out i really value her as a friend he doesn't live with the family so i'm hoping the damage wouldn't be bad thank you in advance girl

oh it's a tricky one it's tricky this has layers it's tricky on a couple of levels it's tricky because of the friendship you know if it if it ends in a breakup or someone gets hurt whose side is sophie gonna take because naturally she's gonna have an opinion on who's in the right or what if he what if he is just i don't know because you said that is he just playing hard to get where's the game babes maybe he's not that into you or maybe like you say he's just not quite sure how to navigate the situation and maybe he is waiting for you to take the lead maybe he's intimidated by you i think this is where sophie comes into the mix i think this is where we go soph i need you to have a word with the bro because i need you to do some digging and find out if he likes me because i i'm actually starting to like

him and can you find out if he likes me and hopefully sophie can say bro do you like her he doesn't have she doesn't have to say she's got feelings for you blah blah just how do you feel about her then do you like her blah blah blah and if he's like yeah yeah i do like her to be fair if he's kind of awkward like you say he might be like i don't know i don't know i don't know because he might be uncomfortable talking about it but there is a chance that he could open up to sophie so i think we give that a go and he might go yeah yeah i really like her i'm really liking where it's going and then sophie can go well why don't you tell her i think you should tell her no i really think you should tell her and i really think you should tell her or if he's like oh no it's just chill i'm not really that into it so if you can feed back friendly and say i don't think he's like that like looking for a

relationship like i don't think he's you know and then we okay got it pull back pull back i think this is where it's a good thing that sophie is the friend and if it does develop hopefully it does if it ever hopefully it doesn't turn turns bad then we we think about sophie in the situation as we navigate how to move how to go about this if we lose feelings and or you get the ick or something that might hurt him we we let him down gently we look it's not you it's me i'm just i don't know if i'm ready i've got some things going on right now maybe we can revisit this one day in the future but right now focus on yourself you, and we keep things sweet with everyone. But if he hurts you, then it's a tricky one because every time you see Sophie, it's going to make you think of him.

But that is the risk we take. If he's worth it, we take the risk. That's what I think. Let's get Sophie in the mix. this one you definitely need to keep us updated on that is a must okay bestie let us all know good luck oh i'm happy for you i'm excited for you i love you next dilemma hey girl love your podcast i feel like we're besties we are besties any advice please because i don't know if i'm crazy i listened to your recent pod about exes which recently helped oh my god i'm making up words which really helped but what's your view on the below so me and my boyfriend have been together two and a half years he had a very serious relationship before which ended like one and a half years before we met we also oh he also had

slash has the pets from his from this relationship now obviously you do the usual stalking the ex on socials as you do now at the beginning of our relationship she was very much still involved with him not in a bad way i guess just finishing up breakup admin i don't know breakup admin i fucking love that i've never heard that. Breakup admin. I love it. Sorting the pets, house, et cetera. However, I was unaware of it and it was sprung upon me as I was told they were not in contact anymore. That's dodgy. That is some dodgy business. Why? Oh, sorry. Why? Why was I not aware? Why was that not communicated with me? You know, if it's innocent, just let me know. We're just sorting this by the way, babe. Sorry. I know it's awkward. I know it's not nice, but you know, it's got to be done. Why are you keeping it from me? I don't like that at all.

Okay. For the first year of the relationship, there was always something happening or stuff that I found that was from his last relationship. There's also been a couple of times this year he has messaged her about the pets without me knowing. He says he didn't do it maliciously he just wasn't thinking and was missing the pets. Of I wasn't happy about it but he apologized so what more can I do? There's a couple of times he's messaged her about the pets without me knowing said he didn't do it maliciously wasn't thinking and was missing the pets i don't know about that i don't know about that guys okay now everything has finally come to an end with it and she's been blocked on everything as far as i'm aware however i can't seem to get over the fact that he planned a life

with someone else I don't know what's wrong with me I don't know how to get over it because it's eating me alive and I'm really struggling I just think I'm struggling because there's always been involvement from his previous relationship in ours I hope this makes sense also this is my first relationship so I have no past which probably doesn't help thanks girl love you love you that's that's hard it's hard because I've not been with someone where we have broken up and there's like pets and a house and things you stay in contact about to know if it's appropriate for me I just think why are you keeping it from me? That's what I don't like. If it is just about the pets, it should be completely open, completely transparent.

Surely you just let go of the pet. Listen, my dog is my whole world, okay? So don't say that lightly. I would take the dog, to be honest honest so that's why it's probably easy for me to say there's no fucking way you're taking that dog that dog's mine i don't care if you pay for it so i just feel like in breakups i've never heard of somebody like oh i'm popping on my exes to go and see fluffy you know i've never ever heard of people staying in contact over a pet I just haven't I don't know if it's common I don't know if I've just never come across

it and that's just unusual but I just personally haven't it okay I don't want to put ideas in your head it feels like an excuse it does feel like an excuse to stay in contact and it's an easy excuse i'll tell you why it feels like an excuse because you kept it from me if it was a case of babe um i've just been i've just been messaging hannah because i'm i'm just you know i'm just checking in on on on fluffy i don't know why the dog's called fluffy but it is just check i'm just checking in on fluffy because i saw a picture on on instagram where he he didn't look very well no well why why are you looking at her instagram um no i'm just checking in i'm just checking in oh okay well how often how often we checking in these days well i'm just you know i checked in the last time i told you i'm gonna tell you every

time babe i'm not gonna go behind your back like that. It's my ex-girlfriend at the end of the day. You know, I'm not trying to disrespect you, baby girl. You know? Oh, okay, cool. Am I right to see these messages? Am I right to have a little look at these messages? Because like you said, it is your ex-girlfriend at the end of the day.

That's what I'd imagine. If you're that attached to the house and the pets, can I be involved? I'm your girlfriend. That's your ex-girlfriend. It's fucking weird. It's an awkward situation. Don't make me feel like I've got something to worry about. Do whatever it takes to reassure me. And if that is showing me the messages and showing me that they are purely solely about the pets that's what you've got to do if you can't do that stop talking to her am i am i crazy for that i don't think so that's just what i'd expect so whatever you expect is what you can say to him you know it doesn't have to be anything out of this world. You know, well, I expect you to cut all fucking contact and I don't care how much you love that dog. Fuck it off. We can't do that.

If this guy is so attached to the pet still, even though, how long have you been together? Hold on, hold on a damn minute. You've been together two and and a half years they broke up a year and a half before that's four years it's been four years surely we've let go by now surely we've let go of the pet by now surely you know i don't know it feels like an excuse babe have you seen the messages i want to know that because i'd want to see the messages it's been four years it's been four years i want to see these messages i'm sorry i'm gonna need to see them it's been four years am i inappropriate is that completely unnecessary from me to expect that because that's just that's my opinion on that guys um listen i don't know what advice to give i say your feelings are valid i wouldn't like it either i wouldn't like it at all actually um

and look personally i say this is a joke at this point it's a joke it's been four years and you're telling me you're messaging her in private about pets i'm not being funny all signs are pointing to bullshit you know they just are like let's say sorry to make you feel stressed but we've got to think about this let's say you found out they were having like they were sending inappropriate messages you, borderline cheating or cheating, whatever. And you said to somebody, yeah, he was cheating on me. He was messaging his ex. Sorry, I felt that hiccup coming. He was messaging his ex behind my back. He just told me that it was about the pets. Everybody would go, really? Like, did you not know? But the annoying thing is, is you believe it because there's a chance it could

literally be true there's a chance it could literally be totally innocent and purely about the pets so that's why we end up forgiving them because we can make it make sense when we want to you know but if you told somebody they could just be like uh duh, hello. But we make it make sense because we want it to be true that it is innocent. But why are you keeping it from me? That is some bullshit. That is not acceptable. You're messing your ex behind my back. I don't care if it's about the pets.

I don't, well, I do care if it's you saying I still love you or something, but regardless of what it's about, you've done wrong there. And you know, he said he's sorry, blah, blah, blah. Of course you are. But it's just fucking just fucking weird like why are you doing that it's absolutely not okay you're messing your ex behind my back full stop so listen i just think listen to what your gut is telling you that's a difficult one take that with a pinch of salt because sometimes it's hard to differentiate our gut with you know like intrusive thoughts and anxiety and catastrophize

in a situation but if you feel to your core that it is an innocent ask to see the messages look you've got to understand me that you've been messaging your ex behind my back you're telling me it's about the pets you've got to understand that i'm not just going to believe the words i'm going to want to see it to feel better about it and if that is all it is you'll have no problem showing me because if that was me i'll go of course babe you know what i was out of order doing it behind you oh i wouldn't it wouldn't be me but i was out of order doing it behind your back scroll through goes far back as you want there's nothing you need to worry about i'm sorry for doing it behind your back. Scroll through, go as far back as you want. There's nothing you need to worry about. I'm sorry for doing it behind your back. Have a look.

I, you know, hopefully it makes you feel better about the situation. I won't do it ever again, but because I think that's what he said, right? He's not going to do it again. But, oh yeah, he said she's blocked on everything. How do we go from, we're on good terms we talk about pets to blocked if it's innocent if it's innocent it's hey i don't think you know we need to be in contact anymore blah blah blah i'm happy the pets are happy i'm glad you're taking care of them have a nice life if it's blocked it's like well what are you trying to prove what point are you trying to prove, what are you trying to prove? What point are you trying to prove here? What are you trying to undo there? I want to see the messages. I'm sorry.

And if he's deleted them, if he's deleted them, I say no more, to be honest. Why? What have you got to delete? Why delete it? Why delete it? So, yeah, I think if he doesn't let you see the messages or if he's deleted them you've got you've got to look at the signs there babe and say it was probably inappropriate um and then then you make a decision on that but yeah i love you babe i'm really sorry that this is happening because that

is shit and that's gonna fuck your trust issues all up in into the air and you know it's your first relationship so you're like struggling to navigate it but listen to what you feel is right and wrong and if something makes you feel shit it's that's full stop I don't like that you've done this it's upset me i've spoken to people they they agree that they they would be hurt as well so show me show me the messages show me the messages you know all right babe i love you oh guys oh there were some good dilemmas this week weren't they really juicy interesting dilemmas guys a vast range as well which we love to see send them in leerontheline.com okay babes let's wrap up the episode okay everyone thank you so much for listening to this episode if you made it to the

end you are my favorite i love you so much thank you for getting all the way here it was a bit of a longer one today i really enjoyed it i feel like we should do more long ones i feel like i can just add more dilemmas every tuesday you know just doesn't hurt does it let me know if you listened to this all in one or if you came back to it or if you're not listening to this well there's no point me saying anything you're not listening oh anyway i hope you guys all have an amazing week this week enjoy the sunshine to my uk babes and yeah have an amazing week whatever it is that you're doing whatever it's that you're getting up to and i'll speak on friday for a brand new episode all right i love you Bye.