Lions Led By Donkeys Podcast - Episode 70 - Anglo-Zulu War Part 1: Don't Forget to Wash Your Spears

Episode Date: September 30, 2019

Sources for all related episodes: https://www.nam.ac.uk/explore/zulu-war https://www.sahistory.org.za/article/anglo-zulu-wars-1879-1896 https://www.history.co.uk/article/the-battle-of-isandlwana-and-the-anglo-zulu-war-of-1879 https://www.jstor.org/stable/24453317

Hello and welcome to yet another episode of the Lions Led by Donkeys podcast. I'm Joe and with me is the metal legged wonder Nick, hi, hello scarer of dogs that's right, one step closer to Terminator you're like the Walmart version of a Terminator I'm a T1 right now

it's a few metal parts no you don't melt back together, you're not an old Schwarzenegger but you're mostly metal so they have you back at work now yes how's that been going? terrible no, you don't melt back together. You're not an old Schwarzenegger, but you're mostly metal. So they have you back at work now. Yes. How's that been going? Terrible.

I still do stuff. It's weird that someone that does not have full functioning legs is still forced to go back to work at the full capacity they expect anybody else to do. It's almost like the army doesn't care about you. You don't have to comment on that i believe that's illegal but uh today we are talking about part one oh yeah of the anglo zulu war now this was not originally going to be a two-parter which it

will be a two-parter it It was originally going to be an episode on two major battles of the war. We have a dry erase board, which I think we've had since day one of this podcast, where we listed countless battles that we plan on covering. A lot

of those we've covered. Some of them we haven't, but the first one on there is a battle involved in this war the battle of uh ice and awana isla wanda whichever i've heard it pronounced both ways i believe this law one is correct uh and works drift we'll be covering both of those um but as we've gotten better at this whole thing we've learned that um like you kind of have to tell why the fuck this battle happened yeah I don't know anything which in turn led us

I've seen Zulu we will be talking a lot about Zulu and the reason for that is if you ask anybody about these battles they almost will within 10 minutes talk about Zulu

it's not a bad movie. It's not an accurate movie. It worked. It's a good movie for its time. It's like watching a movie from the 50s and expecting it to be accurate about World War II. Or expecting any movie about white people invading Africa being accurate at all.

expecting any movie about white people invading Africa being accurate at all. Now, if there's one thing that we love about this show, it is roasting the British Empire. I think the last episode that we did was a full-on British roast battle. Was there a magnificent retreat from Kabul during the Anglo-Afghan War? You know what? We've been on this Soviet train for a while. We really have.

It's been a couple months. So you know what? Good. Yeah, I mean... I like this. If there's a punching bag that history has of fuck-ups, it's... Well, modern day would be America, but 1800s and prior would be the British Empire,

the Spanish, the French. We're just new to the game. We got literally decades left of this before we can even compare. Right. So hold on to your butts, y'all. It's going to get worse. I look forward to the day that we're podcasting

about the failed 2035 American invasion of Canada, as you can hear the microphone shake from artillery strikes. The South Park movie. Yeah. Just comes into my head. Go ahead, Team Human Shield. What the fuck? Now, if anybody remembers correctly,

I feel like it should be pointed out that one of the reasons from the British blunder in Kabul was because they would simply not wash their dicks after fucking the local sex workers. You don't need to. I don't really need. There's no reason for me to bring that up other than I like to talk about it because it's fucking hilarious. Self-cleaning. Yeah. No. No, it's not self-cleaning it's not uh it's like you pull your foreskin back and it sounds like velcro oh it's so oh it sounds terrible all right uh that's actually a pretty good analogy somebody wash it after the field like after a good rotation i generally don't

watch people wash their dicks but it was probably the weirdest thing i ever seen somebody wash it after the field? Like after a good rotation? I generally don't watch people wash their dicks. So it was on accident, but it was probably the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life. Please tell me more about the time you watched a man wash his foreskin. It was on accident, but it happened. So I guess we're here. So he had it by two fingers, just holding it like disgusted, but he was like washing it and scrubbing. It was the weirdest thing i've

seen in my life i've never touched my dick like that i don't have a rebuttal to that i i have you no i'm circumcised if in case anybody's wondering about my dick um so no i've never had to rinse out my foreskin like it was a disgusting piece of underwear. But if there was a good analogy to find any of that, it is the British Empire upon the world is like un-Velcroing a rotten foreskin. Feel free to ignore everything we just said. But a few decades after the retreat from Kabul,

the British mechanisms of empire would bring them to what we now know today as South Africa. The British had multiple settlements throughout South Africa, many of them bordered Boer settlements or republics, which were and are

white South Africans. You actually don't have to look much more into the Boer history. It's all bad. It's all bad. Really? Oh, yeah.

How bad? Apartheid bad. Oh. Oh. So for people who are unaware, the Boer or Boer or whatever, or Afrikaner were Dutch white colonialists who settled in South Africa and would eventually just bring horrible, horrible things to the people of South Africa. One of those things is, of course, the band Dianford. Completely unforgivable stuff.

Now, you have repeatedly made fun of me for liking the movie Chappie. Yes. Dianford's in that movie. Oh, yeah, she is. Both of them. Ninja? Ninja. He goes by the name Ninja.

That is important. I've heard their music, seen their music videos. Their music sounds like two fax machines fucking. Oh, God. Yeah, it's not good. And you like the movie. I overlook some things. Oh, my God.

Isn't Hugh Jackman in it? Yeah. That's like the best part of the whole movie. Oh my god. Isn't Hugh Jackman in it? Yeah. That's like the best part of the whole movie. That's it. Yeah, Hugh Jackman in Robots, you really can't go wrong. That's why Real Steel still works. God, that movie. I don't mean it's good.

I meant like when I watched it, like, it's a good airplane movie. Even then I'll skip over it. I'll watch the airplane go over around the world on the screen. I'd rather watch this airplane just crash and then watch this movie. Uh, now as most empires, their British settlements and their native Zulu neighbors did not exactly get along.

This is mostly due to the growing white population and the steady encroach, their steady encroachment into native Zulu lands. Bastards. As white people are wont to do. Things were only made worse in 1867 when diamonds were discovered around the Val River near the town of Kimberley, a town that is now steeped in the cultural blood diamonds.

The small town became the target of a diamond rush that attracted people from all over the world and ballooned to the population of around 50,000, which is an increase of around 100%. This, of course, drew the eye of the watching British

imperial interests who were nearby. Three years later, the British simply just annexed the entire fucking area, because that is just what they do. This brings us to the incredibly British-named British simply just annex the entire fucking area because that is just what they do. Uh, this brings us to the incredibly British named, and I'm going to try this one without laughing.

Oh, good. Try to hold off. Henry Howard, Montaloo, Herbert, fourth Earl of Chevron. That Chevron came out of nowhere.

Formerly known as the Lord of Porchester I swear to god half these people are just Walking top hats and monocles With that fucking Monopoly mustache I could pull a name out of my ass And there's a 50% chance that he's in the House of Lords Right now arguing about Brexit I'm pretty sure we were doing that Just 10 minutes ago I could pull a name out of my ass and there's a 50% chance that he's in the house of Lords right now,

arguing about Brexit. I'm pretty sure we're doing that just 10 minutes ago. Uh, we actually did that for an episode. I said like five names of the house of Lords and then I made two of them up and I made you guess nobody got it right. Anyway, he was the secretary of state for the colonies,

which again is the most British office to ever exist. Lord Fuckface had brought about the creation of modern Canada in 1867, and he wanted to do much of the same thing with the various British settlements of South Africa. His plan called for a white ruling class to take control over the black majority population. It's not starting out so good. Yeah. This is something that the Brits did all the time. Ever heard of a little place known as Rhodesia? Yeah.

Jesus Christ. Now, this would, of course, produce a cheap pool of labor for the plantations and the mines that the British wanted to control and the whole purpose of them owning it. He even extended a plan to the Boer settlements for them to join the new British Federation. Now,

all the Boers or Boers, I'm going to get yelled at for that either way, uh, we're way ahead of the British when it came to exploit the later of the local population. And that is something that go on to excel at over the next several generations, uh, uh, to include the present day for the most part. Uh, of the local population, and that is something they'd go on to excel at over the next several generations,

to include the present day for the most part. They did not want to give up their freedom to the British crown. If anybody's going to do racism in this neck of the woods, it's going to be us, said the Boer. They sound like they mastered it. Oh, they excel at it. They took...

My knowledge of Boer institutional racism is mostly modern day and apartheid, but they took full-on founding fathers-type racism energy and just rode that motherfucker into the 1990s. Oh, that's... Oh. Yeah. Yeah. So in 1877, the secretary tossed his hands up

and decided to give his job to somebody else. He appointed Sir Henry Bartle Edward Ferrer, the High Commissioner of South Africa. This whole episode is full of these names. Super great names. Yeah. The secretary gave old Bartle a sweet deal. If he could figure out a way

to make the secretary's confederation plan work, he would be appointed the first governor of the Southern African Dominion. Bartle had two obstacles standing in his way. One was the Boers, who were actually an internationally recognized nation as of 1852, and was even recognized by the British themselves in the Sand River Convention. If there was something that the British didn't care about, it was agreements, so it really didn't matter.

So, muscling into them would be kind of hard to pull off. The other obstacle was the Zulu Kingdom, now under the rule of young King Kachueho, a dude who killed his own brother to get the job. I mean, I'm kind of not surprised about that. I mean, yeah, don't fuck with somebody who's

willing to give it a little bit of regicide. Now, Ketsueho had worked with Europeans before, and there is some evidence that he plotted with them so he could take the Zulu throne. He was not a weak king, and he had no intention of giving up his kingdom. Once

in power, he saw the writing on the wall as in a whole bunch of white dudes moving in next door. It's like that Dave Chappelle skit where he goes up to the shores like, hey, a whole bunch of white people, let's go say hi to them. Yeah, King Quetzalcoatl didn't do that. He didn't? As anyone would

have been in the same situation. He began to prepare for a conflict. he decided to adopt the expansionist ideas of legendary king shaka as everybody knows is shaka zulu yeah uh which he was related to really yes he began to reinforce and train his impis or the Zulu word for anybody of armed men. Now... Anybody of armed men? Yes, as an impie. So just regular dudes because they have arms.

Well, they had spears, so yeah. Okay. Now, it is important to point out that the native army of the Zulu was heavily evolved from what most people think of as a native army. They ran off levies and call-ups, kind of like a militia, but it was very, very, very organized. They were by far the most

powerful native army in all of Africa. The Zulu kingdom only existed because it took over all of its neighbors and challenged the British. And we will go on to, you're going to go on and listen to these next two episodes and you're going to come out of it

thinking the same thing I did, that the Zulus were a much better army than the British. Really? With one big difference. And it's going to be kind of important. Now, as I kind of already said, the Zulu historically fought only with a spear and a cowhide shield. So it's a shield made of leather.

They were culturally unfavorable towards firearms. They thought firearms were the tool of a coward. Kind of like if I was to compare them to something people are similar to, it's them using a spear is the same as counting coup for a Native American. It was considered to be a true warrior, you killed them with your hands, or at least you touched them with your hands before you killed them. So they didn't have guns. They did start to pick up some muskets.

They weren't very modern. And they didn't like using them. Like they thought it. They literally said that like a musket requires no skill. You can kill a warrior without even touching him. I wouldn't like a musket either. I mean, it's better than a spear. It is.

I mean, I know me. If you're going to put me in a line mean it's better than a spear it is i i mean i know me if you're gonna put me in a line with a fucking shield and a spear i'd much rather have a gun i've seen me use one i don't think i'll be that good the spear you you see yourself use a spear i'm not a very brave man like i don't know what the what the zulu version of like a national guard admin assistant would be that I wonder what that guy. Do they qualify with spears? Oh, definitely. They train a lot.

I don't know if they, I mean, they didn't wear shirts or anything, so they probably didn't have patches. Like maybe go to a spear range. They weren't for throwing. They were almost specifically for stabbing. They call them Asagi. Or Asagi.

Yeah. Very, very short. A pike is for fighting in a formation. Right. P call them Asagi. Very, very short. A pike is for fighting in a formation. Right. Pikes were the shit. Zulus did not fight in a formation.

Oh, they didn't. They, I mean, they fought in a military group, which we will definitely talk about because it's something they rope-a-doped

the British into about twice and ended up being one of the most legendary defeats in British history all the way up until World War I.

Ooh. But they definitely weren't like a phalanx. Which would have been easier for them to lose if they were a phalanx because you just shoot into the phalanx. That's true. Now, there's a problem with this. That doesn't exactly sound threatening if you're the British Empire. sound threatening if you're the British Empire. So you can't be like, yeah, the

unwashed hordes of the Zulu are going to storm over the border and attack us. Because, dude, they have spears. Does that sound threatening to the British Empire? No. Well, it's good. That's exactly how they thought it. Well, King Kisweho had no plans

to expand into British land. But they did not stop the Brits from lying about it. Oh. In order to make the spear-wielding Zulu army seem like a threat, the British did what came natural and just decided to make shit up. Bardol simply lied his fucking ass off about constant cross-border raids

which simply did not happen. He spun so many lies about the Zulu that when the British simply annexed the Borg Transvaal Republic in 1877, the Boers themselves bought the lies. They were so worried about the encroaching Zulu Empire that they didn't fight the British annexation because they feared they'd have to stand on their own against the invading Zulu army, which did not exist. So loudly were they beating the war drums against the Zulu. The British government had to come out against it.

Now, Bartle, remember, is on his own with the British machinations of empire in South Africa. It's the British government in London. Had to come back. We don't want to fight the Zulus. Not only did they not want to fight the Zulus, but they had other colonial problems in India and East Asia at the time.

And they kind of had their fucking hands full. Right? So with his own government against him, Bartle stopped itching for war. And that's, that's the end of the series. Thank you for tuning in. Of course he fucking didn't.

He just would force the Zulu to go to war against him whether they liked it or not what do you fucking do so there was a series of minor incidents across the border where a few Zulu crossed the border to capture the fleeing wife of another Zulu and they killed her

while this is a really shitty thing to do it was in accordance with the Zulu law. Now, I only dabble in Zulu law. Yeah. But, I mean, this is probably all on the level. And King Quetzalcootl said as much. He said, I apologize for crossing the border,

but we are enforcing Zulu law. Had to be done. Yeah. Yeah, don't kill wives. Did they kill her with a spear? Yeah. Oh, totally on brand. That's cool.

At least they stick to it. Now, Bartle acted like this is an absolute outrage, despite the fact that the British government never cared for the plight of an African refugee before or since. It was just his excuse. This includes up to the present day. That's true.

They deported multiple British subjects who happened to be of African descent like 10 years ago. Oh. Yeah. And also Jamaican. So, yeah. Racism Island. who happen to be of African descent like 10 years ago. Yeah. And also Jamaican. So yeah. Racism Island.

Yeah. Fuck. Now, Ketsueho apologized for the cross-border incident, said it would not happen again. The British Lieutenant Governor penned a letter to him in the form of a request that the Zulus surrender the culprits that had crossed the border to kill the wife. Now, I will say this sounds kind of okay. Like, if

you're attempting to save your empire from war, like, am I going to give up these four dudes or am I going to go to war against the British Empire? It's not right, but, like, it's a decent cop-out. Give up the shitty dudes? Yeah, like, give up the guy who spear-stabbed their wives to death?

Yeah, I mean. Now, Bardot changed the wording of the letter to read as a strongly worded demand while simultaneously asking for more soldiers to deploy to South Africa. Of course, that was to protect them from the coming Zulu invasion, not to attack anybody with. Defense. Yeah. Now, it should be noted that the lieutenant Governor, the letter to Ketsueho was little more of a suggestion. Bartle reworded it as a

demand. That's pretty important. The Lieutenant Governor was like, you know, things would be square with us if you gave these dudes up. Bartle's like, give these motherfuckers up, or you're gonna have problems. And dispatches sent to bartle over the course the next three months the governor gave bartle everything he wanted while reminding him

the soldiers were only for self-defense and quote it is not for the desire of her majesty's government to furnish the means of a campaign of invasion and conquest about that yeah now remember i said bartle was going to force Ketsueho into war. Right. With that in mind, Bartle called a meeting between the regional British leadership and representatives of the Zulu king. Once at the meeting,

Bartle issued the Zulu government with a 13 point ultimatum. Now, number one. Oh, you have all 13. Oh, I do. They're all bad.

Surrender of Sihayowo's three sons and the brother that they tried in the Natal courts. That was his cousin. That's the king's cousin. He's asking for him to give up his extended family to probably be executed. Right. Number two, payment of the fine of 500 head of kettle

for the outrageous commitment by the above and for Ketsueho's delay in complying with the request of the Natal government and the center of the offenders. Now, the Natal government is the government of British South Africa. Okay. Number three, payment

in the head of 300 cattle for the offense committed against Messers, Smith, and Dighton, which was a cross-border raid, which did not happen. They were a group of traitors that was attacked by African bandits, and they just blamed on the Zulus. There's no proof that the Zulus did it.

Got it. They're black. They must be Zulus. Number four, surrender of the Swazi chief, Mbalini, and others named hereafter to be tried in the Transvaal courts.

Now, the Swazis and the Boers did have problems, mostly for the Boers encroaching it on their land. They wanted a sovereign leader to be given up to a foreign court. Number five, observance of the coronation promises. Number six, that the Zulu army be disbanded and the men allowed to go home. They had no standing army. They were a militia. Men always went home. The problem was they wanted them to disbanded and the men allowed to go home. They had no standing army. They were a militia. Men always went home.

The problem was they wanted them to disband so the British could invade. Number seven. That the Zulu military system be discontinued and other military regulations adopted to be decided upon after the consultation with the Great Council and British representatives. They wanted to put their army in control of the British government. Number eight. That every man, when he comes to a man's estate, be free to marry. They wanted to breed the Zulu out of them. Number nine, all missionaries and their converts, who, until 1877, lived in Zululand, shall be allowed to return and reoccupy their stations. It was conquest by religion.

This is something that is really, really common. it was conquest by religion. This is something that is really, really common. Um, some governments who do not want to just send boats full of soldiers, places, places would simply send missionaries. This is how the French took over Vietnam.

They sent in tons of missionaries. The missionaries eventually get attacked, um, for, you know, spouting heresy against the local religion, the government, those missionaries would come from like, you're attacking our citizens.

We're sending soldiers. Yeah, that's how colonialism happens, guys. That was Catholicism and Vietnam. Number 10, all such missionaries shall be allowed to teach any Zulu, if he chooses, and any Zulu shall be free to listen to their teaching. You will allow yourselves to be taken over. Number 11. A British agent shall

be allowed to reside within Zulu land who will see that the above provisions are carried out and will be known as a resident. You're going to allow Brits to move into your kingdom and take it over. Number 12. All disputes which a European is concerned shall be heard by the king

in public and in the presence of that resident. They effectively give him diplomatic immunity. Number 13. No sentence of expulsion from Juvoulin will be carried out until it's been approved by the resident. Now he's in charge. That one British guy is now in charge. Now, that was a lot of words for we're going to war. Yeah. now that was a lot of words for we're going to war yeah accepting this ultimatum would make katsueho little more than a british puppet with no military at his disposal to protect himself

it's very clear from the second it was issued it would never be accepted bardell knew this because he already had the army under his command of lorden clemsford to march for the Zulu border. While this is all going on, the army is already being dispatched. Now, I've heard this pronounced Clemsford and Shelmsford, so I'm going to go with Clemsford because I'm American and I'm dumb. I wouldn't even go for Shelmsford.

Now, on January 11th, 1879, Clemsford's army of 5,000 men invaded the Zulu Empire. Clemsford thought virtually nothing of his enemies. Saying, quote, I shall strive to be in a position to show them how hopelessly inferior

they are to us as a fighting power. He was so sure of his victory that he was worried that the Zulu armies would not stand up and fight him. Really? Yeah. Why would you think that a army full of black people with spears is your equal? If you're

literally a lord of the British Empire? If you're that much of an asshole, I guess. Now, while these were redcoats, because that had not yet passed, these are not the musket-wielding legions that most people think they are

as the British Imperial system. Like, they're not the shitty brown-bass-wielding redcoats that we think of. Right. They were armed with modern cannons and Martini-Henry trapdoor rifles. Oh, those aren't the ones from the Patriot. While a single-shot rifle,

it would allow the soldier to fire as fast as he could put an individual rounds into the rifle to the tune of about 10 to 12 rounds per minute. I would totally buy a martini Henry. Now, I don't know a lot about that rifle except the research I had to do for this episode and Battlefield 1.

That was most of the research. Now, if Battlefield 1 is to be trusted, this motherfucker is the best rifle in the world. Now, compare that with having to run up to someone and shank them with a spear. It's pretty goddamn revolutionary. So, full of self-confidence, the British Army moved on and quickly realized

they had underestimated everything. They got spear bayonets, too. A knife under the bottom of their bayonet. The British had no good maps of the area and said they relied on native members of their army which of which they had about 2500 now these are natives from natal not zulu land the problem of course was these guys have were not from the area yeah the brits went full racist. You look like them. Yeah. They went full racist just like, well, you're African. I don't see the difference. Yeah. So they made their march over

incredibly rough terrain that slowed them down to a crawl. But none of that mattered. The Brits were dumb, but they were used to fighting natives who relied on levied armies. They planned their invasion for the harvest season. So the vast majority of military-age males

would be off working the land. That would be true. If the Brits knew anything about Zulu culture or customs. Oh, fucking idiots. Many African cultures called their warriors home for harvests, but the Zulus did not. Really? The first fruit ceremony

held in the Zulu capital of Yolundi was actually the exact opposite of what the Brits thought it was. It was required for all warriors to report to their regimental barracks, not the fields, meaning the British invaded at literally the worst time

they possibly could. I see Admiral Ackbar. If I remember. I see Admiral Ackbar. If I remember correctly, the Admiral Ackbar saying it's a trap was the cover for the Kabul retreat episode. I think so. It applies. So when the Zulu king got word of the invasion, he

dispatched 24,000 of his warriors with the orders to march slowly, attack at dawn, and eat up the red soldiers. I should point out now... I should point out now that the Zulu version of a slow march was covering

50 fucking miles in five days. I'd hate to see their fast march. Cover it carrying no supplies with them. What's their fast march? I assume a dead sprint. Death. They did not carry any supplies with them other than like some

snacks. Very little water. They have cliff bars? What kind of snacks do they carry? Pop-Tarts and Rippets? It was like nuts and berries and shit. Water buffalo? In comparison, the British managed nine miles in 10 days oh fucking they finally said fuck it and decided to set up a camp at a little place known as isla wanda

and on january 20th once there they did not entrench or build any defensive works whatsoever don't need it why would they they? They're only fighting Zulu. Yeah. Even the smallest amount of defensive preparation, such as circling the wagons, which knows a logger was not done. That's what I take every morning. Clemsford didn't bother to do any of this,

despite the fact it was literally word for word out of the British regulation at the time. He simply thought it would take too long and they weren't going to be there long enough for it to matter. Once his camp was set up, Clemsford sent out two native battalions to scout up ahead of camp to just act as team human shield. Effectively like, if you see anything move, let us know. They quickly found elements of the Zulu unit and reporting back to camp. Clemsford thought this is a small group of Zulu. It had to be a vanguard of some kind of main enemy force and did the one thing you never do.

Split your army. Yes. Splitting your army to chase after someone is like running up the stairs away from a serial killer in a movie. When the front door is right there. I cannot help but scream, what the fuck are you doing? So, 2,500 soldiers were ordered to give chase to that small

unit of Zulus. Makes sense. Now, remember, Clemsford is worried that the Zulus would not fight him in open battle, so this detachment was meant to meet them in open battle. He left behind five companies of around 70 to 80 men apiece to guard the camp with two cannons between them.

Just keep trying to remember that the area they have to defend has no fighting positions whatsoever. It's just a group of fucking tents out in the sand. Clemsford left his camp in the charge of Brevet Lieutenant Colonel Henry Pauline.

Unfortunately for about 1,300 British and native soldiers, he happened to be a supply clerk with no frontline command experience. Don't need it against the Zulus. You ready for me to say it? Yeah. It gets worse. British scouts were reporting back to the camp

about a group of thousands of Zulu warriors being sighted literally sprinting towards them. How did he report it? They ran back. You can imagine... Just trying to outrun them? Imagine the time difference. Like, oh, I

found a group of 5,000 Zulu warriors two miles out. Okay, well you had to run two miles here to tell me that. Oh dear god, they're right outside it quickly became cleared that the Clemsford army had been totally and completely outmaneuvered as he split his forces

out from the camp the Zulu just moved in around him not wanting to fight him leaving Clemsford wandering around in circles just wondering where the fuck the Zulus were all while they were preparing to attack the camp behind him that he was supposed to be in command of. While the Zulu intend to wait a little bit longer before launching

their main attack, their hand was forced when a British scout stumbled upon their main force of 20,000 warriors. A British scout? A group. It was like 50 or 60. One dude found 20,000. They were only five

miles away from the camp. The scouts began a fighting retreat back to the camp where British forces, not having any defensive works to fight from, were deployed in a long thinly manned firing line, thanking their superior fire-powered fight back, the vastly

larger Zulu army. And it did kind of work for a little while. For the first full 20 minutes, Pauline didn't bother to change the formation much. Instead, he brought the lines closer to the camp, which is a good idea so he could make resupply easier. Despite overwhelming odds, the disciplined British ranks pinned down the center of the Zulu formation

for over an hour. The soldiers' morale was high, and the Zulu formation for over an hour. The soldiers' morale was high, and the Zulu center stalled as the cannons started firing and blowing the living shit out of them, and they were forced to take cover. Now, if you were charging a modernly armed

center in a frontal assault, it's probably like the layup to the Aliouoop, right? Sure. Like, you wouldn't just be like, we're gonna charge directly at you over and over again and get shot with cannons.

Yeah, let me just try to dunk. Unfortunately for the British, that was exactly what the Zulu wanted them to do. Oh. And using military tag named the horns in the chest of the buffalo, the Zulu center was about to be made a sacrifice. While the British changed their formation

and brought all of their fire to bear upon the center, this being the chest of the buffalo. The buffalo horns were working their way around the British flanks, completely and totally unseen. Good names. Finally, when the British did notice they were about to be completely encircled,

they began to withdraw back to the camp. You think any of the British did notice they were about to be completely encircled, they began to withdraw back to the camp. You think any of the British soldiers were like, look, it almost symbolizes like a buffalo and then the horns

coming around. It's an angry fucking cow, run! Finally, the British realized that, oh dear God, we're being encircled and beat

a hasty retreat back to the camp. The problem was this plan required each individual company to retreat perfectly to cover the. The problem was this plan required each individual company to retreat perfectly to cover the flanks of the other companies to ensure nobody

got left behind and exposed. From the oncoming buffalo fucking. This sounds terrible. That is not something that happened. Several units were left behind and overrun in minutes and slaughtered as others retreated in good order back to the camp. In the middle of all this, a solar fucking eclipse occurred.

What are the chances? A buffalo in a solar eclipse? I mean, that's not important, but I feel like I should bring it up because imagine in the middle of all this shit, the sun is just suddenly blot from the sky. Like, oh god! Oh bugger. Oh bugger!

The bloody eclipse. I'm getting buffalo fucked by the sun. That has to be either the best or worst omen in human history, depending on what side of this battle that you're on. Awesome. Like, someone's like, oh, dear God, the sun is gone. The Zulu's like, fuck yeah, we blotted out the sun. The soldiers' firing rate began to slow as the horns closed in on them and they burned through

their ammunition boxes of ammunition restored at the back of the camp with each company being in control of their own supply there was not a central resupply system if you were like an alpha company you had to go resupply alpha company problem being is most of your company's probably already dead so where do you go well i'm going to go to bravo company no sir this is only for bravo company yeah so i just have no ammo now cool now british army regulation at the time say that quartermasters could only issue out ammunition to their own units and each box box could only be opened after the one before it was used up completely i'll get the fuck out of here.

Ensuring that the kind of brittle ammunition that they used at the time was not left out to foul in the elements. So in the middle of all of this, designated runners were hauling ass back to the camp to get ammo only to be turned down because they were in the wrong company or because the quartermaster

forced runners to wait in neat orderly lines to issue out ammunition to one person at a time and took note on paperwork for administration purposes. Hold on, hold on. You need to sign here the right date. Yeah, imagine the sun is literally being burned from the sky. There's Zulus surrounding you like, Sir, please sign here.

Hold on, signature. Sir, you can't take that. Print your name, date. I need your last four, sir. Just to add a special extra layer of stupid to the whole situation, they couldn't even open many of the ammo boxes. You see, the British Army had become a practice

of using screws to secure when boxes were rather than nails. They also neglected to hand out screwdrivers. Use your rifles. Only a couple of the quartermasters had screwdrivers. Use your rifles. Only a couple of the quartermasters had screwdrivers, which left many tired soldiers to just start smashing these boxes open with rifle butts,

which is a slow process. Anybody who was... So everybody who was screaming at whatever they used to listen to their podcast just a second ago can take solace that pretty much all of these shitty paper-pushing quartermasters died a horribly violent, spear-related death shortly thereafter.

I hope they, like, required paperwork before death. As he's getting speared, Sir! Sir! I need your requisition form to gut me! Sign this! Sign this! Sir, I need your last four! The dude was like, fucking die, bitch! Why would you die? Die! Die!

That's my pin. You have to show up for the next formation at zero three. God damn it! It's almost like trying to open an MRE box that has super glue. It's like opening up an MRE box with your bare hands and you have no fingernails. Because for

some reason they decide to glue the shit out of the fucking... And they have like staples in them and plastic wrap. So it was around this time that the British began to fail at organized resistance. Command and control broke down completely, lines fell apart, and soldiers began to run out of ammunition. The disciplined orderly ranks of fire were gone as soldiers randomly grouped up to fight in desperate last stands all around the camp in small groups the most disciplined one there the quartermaster he's just sitting in the back of his fucking wagon screaming at people for signatures as he's lit on fire holding his ground these groups were as small as two or three people

and as large as an entire battalion fuck and just like knowing they're gonna die circle like forming a square battalion won't let the two or three people you're not in the right battalion you can't come in like imagine being the guy in the middle of the formation with the wagon like sorry this is delta troops ammunition uh this is just a random square of soldiers i simply cannot give you we're gonna die well you're not in what kind of extended bureaucracy school do you go to to be a quartermaster in the british army i don't know i think you just have to hate everybody yeah you like any other quartermaster you have you have to make everybody just feel miserable a zulu account talks about a company forming a square and fighting to the death.

Members of the colonial cavalry, who could have very easily ran for their lives as they had horses, were still alive, dismounted, and fought alongside Lieutenant Colonel Dernford in a last stand. Idiots. Yeah, they definitely should have ran. Some soldiers fought for their lives back-to-back, fending off thousands of Zulu warriors With rifle butt and bayonet Another Zulu account tells the story of a single Irish soldier Of the 24th regiment Fighting off waves of Zulu warriors

Dual wielding rifle mounted bayonets In an attempt to protect the general's Union jack flag What? These efforts were of course rewarded with Copious amounts of spear wounds and death Oh god Spear wounds sound terrible His efforts were, of course, rewarded with copious amounts of spear wounds and death. Oh, God. Spear wounds sound terrible.

It has to be. You're not going to die with one stab. Oh, got me again. Ha ha ha. Oh, fuck. That sucked. Fucker. I'm bleeding.

It's like the scene from Screamer. The guy stabs himself. I'm getting awfully fucking woozy here, man. I'm also imagining Ace Ventura as well. He gets his spears in the legs. He's like, throw me another. You speak like you do. Now just imagine a screaming,

probably drunk, Irish soldier, dual wielding what is amounted to a rifle spear, fighting hundreds of people all at once. You know he's calling them every name in the Irish dictionary, which is only the word cunt. He's just getting juiced with spears.

Two officers, a Lieutenant Melville and a Lieutenant Coghill, of course that's what their name was, attempted to protect the queen's color of their regiment. For people unsure of what that means. It is a flag. They grabbed a flag,

jumped on their horses and rode off before being killed while attempting to cross a nearby river. In case anybody was concerned, the flag washed up a few miles down river because the Zulu's didn't give a fuck about people's colors. Yeah. Cause why would they? It's a flag.

Uh, these two are made into heroes for giving their lives for a bit of stupid fucking cloth. Even though other officers questioned why the hell two officers were running away from battle to protect the flag while other soldiers are still fighting for their lives. Definitely. I have a good reason. Despite accusations of obvious cowardice,

the two are posthumously awarded the Victoria cross highest award. Their lovely queen could offer their bodies. Nice. Now, as we've talked about before, armies of this era had a large number of hangers-on. Civilians who sold goods or did services for the army, whatever. Well, this army is no different,

and the Zulus knew it. The Zulu warriors were ordered to ignore the people in black jackets. That was the normal wear and attire of a civilian in an army camp. Fuck, I'm keeping a black jacket on me. This had the side effect of allowing a few British officers to escape a full face of spears. Some officers' patrol uniforms were dark blue, and a quick glance would make them look black. And some warriors did not

notice the difference. This is how five officers managed to survive the massacre. I want to see, like, a thread count Zulu warrior that goes up to the jacket and does a real good inspection. Sir, there's only a thousand. Come here so I can spear you.

Get ready to get fucking speared. One of the last people to die was the with the back of his hand. Yeah. Sir, there's only a thousand. Come here so I can spear you. Yeah. Get ready to get fucking speared. One of the last people to die was the incredibly overweight native commander named... Oh, boy. Gabangoye. I did not pronounce that right. He was given up.

How was he the last one? So he was fat and did not fight while everybody else fought. so he's in the back of the wagon pretty much and after the fighting was over he quickly uh was given up by his carrier boys uh now they got to carry him yes quite literally yes uh now the carrier boys were trying to save their lives they were working for the the British and their native contingent and decided, well, if we give them the native officer, they'll let us live. They all died. They all

were immediately executed for being traitors. No quarter was given to anyone, and then when the smoke cleared, 1,300 of the 1,700 soldiers were dead. That's a lot. If you're wondering where Lord Clemsford was while his entire army

was being massacred, well, he was doing nothing. He's out doing maneuvers. Still out looking for what he swore to fucking God was the main Zulu army despite the fact that

20 goddamn thousand of them had been behind him the whole time. That's fucking terrible. While all this is going on, or while organized resistance was ongoing, he had received numerous messages from runners about the situation

back at the camp. These messages grew in desperation as the battle wore on, all the way up until George Hamilton sent Brown a message that read, quote, for God's sake, come back, the camp is surrounded. What do you think he did? I imagine he's still doing maneuvers going like, no. Yeah, he didn't go back to

the camp. I don't think. They're out here. At one point, a unit simply said, fuck it. I can't do this anymore. And immediately beat a retreat back towards the camp all on their own without orders. They were forced to stop when Clemsford demanded they return at once or their officers face the consequences.

You know, if he just would have kept going, he wouldn't have to worry about it because he just would have kept going, he wouldn't have had to worry about it because he just would have died. Yeah. There's no consequences to be had. They only made it about two miles, but somehow they were the closest any British unit would come to sending help.

That kind of blows. By the time he finally decided the situation called for him to act, it was 3.30 p.m., a full two hours after he received a letter begging for him to act it was 3 30 p.m a full two hours after he received a letter begging for him to return by the time he got off his ass the camp had been taken and all the men he left behind were dead rupert longsdale one of the five surviving surviving officers who happened to escape because the color of his jacket found clemsford and reported to him what had happened

a shot clemsford responded quote I left a thousand men to guard the camp yeah they're all dead they're all dead because you're fucking stupid I was left in Clemsford army camp nearby and what become a mass grave for thousands of people before withdrawing the next morning to Rourke's drift

and that is where we'll pick up next week what a cliffhanger first of all now uh it needs to be said uh because we would be not us if we didn't point out what people consider war crimes and that is um the disfigurement of british dead at islaanda. That is not what happened. Uh, now the British were, uh, let's say manhandled after death.

And there's a reason for that. There was a Zulu ceremony known as the washing of the spears. That was when they stabbed. They got bloody spears. Yeah. Now they stabbed the dead bodies of their fallen enemies in the stomach. Um, that was not to disfigure their corpses that was to release the gases that their stomachs held so they did not explode in the african heat because remember they fucking live there they don't want to smell that

shit yeah uh but when are they gonna wash their spears i mean that's what they washed them in this was the sweet sweet gut juice um now is it right i don't know i just there's a difference between you know carving shit into bodies which native americans did do uh they castrated men things like that but that was it had a lot to do with um afterlife if i take your dick from you your your manhood's been stolen in the afterlife um but it had nothing to do with that it was simply practical so they weren't disfiguring bodies and they weren't you know dishonoring the dead though i'm sure they cared very little for the for the dead because they executed wounded people. And that's something that the Brits did

as per SOP, or Standard Operating Procedure, throughout the Zulu War was execute every wounded Zulu person they found. But I'm not here to stick up for the Zulu kingdom as much as I am here to just tell an accurate story.

Right. Which brings us to our segment questions from the Legion. Now, I wish I had some fun theme music for that, but I do not. There should be.

I don't know. What would the theme music be? I feel like it'd be like a guitar riff and somebody like doing a devil's growl. Yes. It has to be sweet licks.

Yeah. So if you're a member of a thrash metal or death metal band i'll settle for an oi band like an oi punk band uh and you want to make us a intro grass it'd be fucking sweet uh now the uh question comes from a supporter named nadia question we all know nick did cosplay also known as reenactment what is the nerdiest thing that you have been slash are into uh did you ever do anything nerdier than that it was still within the realm but i got really into class a four pockets for the army in the 30s and 40s era

time frame so i collected a lot of those. Four pockets. So there are uniforms like the Ike jacket, which I'm sure you've heard of. And then there's a thing called the four pocket. It's basically four pockets. The main ASU jacket you see today. Huh. Yeah.

You're obsessed with that one uniform. That one jacket. One reason only is because of the stuff I usually would get on it when I buy it. How many of the jackets did you have? I had 10. You had 10 jackets? It's more jackets than I own, just like as a person.

Same-sies, because I never wore those. But they had different stuff on it, like the pinwheel for the Army Air Corps, not the Army Air Force. It's hard to find. Or different ranks that don't exist. Or different insignia, different patches that just don't exist anymore. It's super cool. I feel that that's less nerdy than when I did, because I used to be really

into Magic cards. I played Magic cards through elementary, middle, and the first two years of high school, I went to the local card store and competed. Which smelled as bad as you probably think it does and i was really into anime at the same time uh i mean i still watch anime from time to time but you know i

don't i'm like i don't qualify as a weeb i don't think but i gave you my crunchy roll yeah we share a crunchy roll subscription yeah that's how you know our relationship has reached the next level pretty much but yeah i i definitely had well over fuck i don't 500 magic cards at one point nice um i don't remember why i stopped except like all the people i played with moved away and i mean like it's magic cards is one of those things that like i don't think that the thing itself is necessarily geeky because like there's nothing more nerdy about playing magic cards is one of those things that like I don't think that the thing itself is necessarily geeky because like there's nothing more nerdy about playing magic cards is like playing Final Fantasy games which I absolutely love except

like the people which are gross like there's a stereotypical magic card guy at a game shop that smells like he has never owned a fucking deodorant stick in his life and his ass to crack is hanging out of his jeans like that's a stereotype for a reason uh and i was you know 10 through 14 15 at this time right and even then i was like this is kind of gross that's why i always say like whenever

somebody's better than me at video games, I just say they're sweaty. That just reminds me of that. Oh, the musty gamer. Now, um, thank you for tuning in for part one of the Anglo Zulu war. If you think what we do is worth a dollar,

you can throw it to us on Patreon where you get access to a lot of stuff. Now the list keeps growing. Actually, you could ask questions. Yeah. The hell of a way lines led by donkeys communal discord. You get access to episodes early. You get access to one more episode a month where we talk about pop culture, video games,

movies, comic books, anything to do with military history. Porn. Porn. Not that yet. Oh, boy. Now, if you give as little as $1,

you can ask a question on Patreon. As long as it is something I can at least answer within five minutes, I will answer it eventually. So, yeah, that's kind of cool. Actually, somebody said that would be um a fun thing to do one of the listeners because like the q a episode's really fun but you do one a year so like and not everybody wants to ask like deep historical questions that takes us 20 minutes to explain sometimes i just want to do a merry fuck kill i'm like okay yeah uh so and and that

could even be brought in during like some of the heavy topics where we have to do a little fucking ice break oh dude we throw a question in there yeah yeah like sometimes i feel like whenever we cover war crimes i want to be like so and and a baby platypus is known as a puggle which is true but like you gotta lighten it up a bit because otherwise you're just sad um but because i thought i want to do something for people who support the show because there's now over 200 of you and patreon shout outs are kind of lame um and i want to do something different because we're a different show we've always done different shit uh people those people just don't do what we do.

And I wanted to continue that. So if you think what we do is worth that, you can find us on Patreon. But for everybody else, our show will always be free. You'll get one episode a week of dubious quality. And for episodes like

these, where I used a varying amount of sources, you can check the show notes and all the sources will always be there. I cannot guarantee they'll be MLA compatible because I am not doing a term paper. But for everybody else, we will see you next week. Later.