Lions Led By Donkeys Podcast - Episode 79 - Philippine American War Part 1: Thanks a lot Nebraska

Episode Date: November 18, 2019

On this episode we dive into America's first overseas war of Empire and how two racists from Nebraska started a war. **Corrections** Andres Bonifacio did not receive an education in spain and was not summerly executed. He was tried for a plot to overthrow the government and executed. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/lionsledbydonkeys Follow us @lions_by Sources: https://timesmachine.nytimes.com/timesmachine/1899/01/06/102497181.pdf https://cdnc.ucr.edu/cgi-bin/cdnc?a=d&d=SFC18990801.2.111&e=-------en--20--1--txt-txIN--------1 https://books.google.com/books?id=fW_aeCJJ9J0C&pg=PA116#v=onepage&q&f=false https://books.google.com/books?id=N6nkB_PDdXcC

What's the matter with you people, you soldiers? At ease, men! I'm standing up! You're not civilians anymore! It ain't too long to act like this! You're going to Cuba to kill Spaniards! Hello, and welcome to yet another episode of the Lions Led by Donkeys podcast, and Laika just ruined my intro.

Yeah, I'm Joe, and with me today, always for the most part is nick and uh you all know like the podcast dog who just ruined my intro hello like uh now uh so we have wanted to do some earlier american episodes for quite some time like we've we've dicked around the civil war a few times uh we've talked about the war of 1812 which is our first series but there's like that weird interim period between like america being nothing on the global stage and then like world war ii yeah um obviously world war one's in there but we kind of get a participation trophy for that ward because it was mostly already over but uh so we thought we would talk about America's first overseas war of empire,

and that is the Philippines-American War. Are you familiar with this war at all? Not really, honestly. And this is where I say, either was I, because before we start, I have to thank Robert Chang. So Robert was the lead researcher in this episode, meaning it's the first episode where that was not me, which means it's probably going to be the best one.

He's a history grad, and he's an activist with the International Coalition on Human Rights in the Philippines. He did virtually all the legwork for this series. And he also provided me with a pronunciation guide for the Tagalog language, which I will still fuck up. We're damn near 100 episodes into this podcast, and everybody knows that I can't pronounce a goddamn thing correctly.

It's well known. Thank you for giving me a pronunciation guide, but I'm so sorry for what I'm about to do to your language. Is it like the ones for the dictionary? Yes. It's awesome. It is the most dumb proof thing I think I've ever read, and I will still ruin it. Sweet.

Yeah. And I mean, I'm guilty of being very, very, very ignorant when it comes to Philippine names, naming conventions, anything. I'm not familiar with them at all. I know a lot of, I have a lot of Filipino friends. Their names, dude. Oh my God. Insane for me.

I mean, I can't really shit talk anybody when it comes to having hard to pronounce names. I grew up with the exception that no one was going to pronounce my name correctly, ever. And I've been mostly correct. So like, I kind of feel everybody's pain name correctly ever uh and i've been mostly correct so like it's pretty easy i can't i kind of feel everybody's pain when they listen to me uh say whatever their national hero is and i fuck their name up like i'm sorry but like i'm just so sorry uh so you know this war is really

interesting because um one for reasons that will quickly become apparent it's very very clear that america has never learned a fucking thing no when it comes to anything you don't need to uh yeah the american exceptionalism is being able to be at war at uh somewhere for 20 years and no one being able to find it in a map yeah uh you know there's there was a saying i do not remember who said it's like the easiest way to teach americans geography is just like invade it but like that's also not true because i know like dozens of soldiers who think afghanistan's in the middle east oh yeah for sure like i remember when i was in afghanistan people who had done tours in iraq were attempting to speak arabic to people oh like bro you are thousands of miles off really yeah it was real bad oh my god yeah

uh well our cultural sensitivity class or whatever it is that they called it uh before we deployed was given by a white guy from montana so it's probably not a good prelude there. But I think that's why this war ended up being, I think, my favorite series that we've done. And that includes the Soviet-Afghan War and Iran-Iraq. Maybe for different reasons. My opinions on it are skewed because I researched the Soviet-Afghan War for fucking months. Right. So, of course, I have to say, yeah, it's great. But this one will absolutely lay a ground map or the groundwork, whatever you want to call it, to just how the fuck we ended up where we are today to a frightening degree.

You're making this sound really good. And a lot of familiar names are going to pop up. sound really good and a lot of familiar names are gonna pop up uh so before we talk about the american philippines war we have to explain exactly how they end up uh at that point so that means diving into a little bit of uh pre-spanish uh philippines history uh so the history of the philippines um is well it's not like a country until Spain shows up. It's an archipelago made up of around 7,000 islands, 175 different ethnic groups in 120 different languages. Oui.

And there's like 100 different ethnic groups. And all of a sudden, a landmass that's about the same size as Arizona. So it's the Philippines, a land of contracts. Now, before the intervention of the Spanish, like I said, the nation state that we know and conceptualize today simply did not exist. Instead, the islands were populated with dozens, if not hundreds, of different tribes, each a little different from each other. Some were communes while others were fiefs who would enslave their neighbors when they'd defeat them in war. Some of these areas were feudal nations in their own

right, ruled by rajas, and their fiefs ruled by lords or chiefs known as datus. Many of these datus actually had soothsayers known as babylons, who were something of a spiritual advisor. These babylons were almost always women. And in many cases were trans.

So like that is significantly more progressive than I ever expected. A feudalist society. I wasn't expecting that to be honest. Yeah. Like what now I, of course I'm, I'm whitewashing our history, but here,

when I say like, when I think of feudalism, I think of like Western European feudalism which is obviously much different but yeah I didn't expect that though this way of life was doomed once the Spaniards showed up which can be said for a lot of different countries

oh yeah while the Datus and the Rajas fought back one Datu named Lapu Lapu speared famous explorer Fernand Magellan right in the asshole quite literally uh hoisted him up like a fucking piece of game uh and kept the iwo jima flag god damn it could it be as could that be a fucking design it's just some dude flailing i want the iwo jima like we've already done that with the emu war now i want to see fernan magellan just fucking spit roasted on a mountain top uh now once he kept his body as a war trophy it was all but

certain that their homelands would eventually fall like so many others to the spanish crown uh the spaniards named their new captured uh group of islands the philippines named after king philip ii So, fuck that guy. No good kings. Only one good emperor. We all know who he is. Once in charge, the Spaniards did what they tended to do. Horribly press the native population. They instituted things like

Pollo y Servizo, which is where all the men of the nation, starting from age 12, uh, were forced into 40 consecutive days of brutally hard labor. They did things like clay roads, cut trees,

construction, and farming for 40 days. Yeah. Uh, like nonstop once a year. Oh, uh, sucks because this was effectively child slavery,

uh, on a temporary scale. Uh, many people just died during those 40 days. That's how they got around it. Yeah. It's temporary. You only have to do it once a year. Yeah.

Or just once ever, probably. Once ever. Yeah. And this is actually really, really common. It was called the Corvier system in Europe. And other nations still kind of do the same thing. I think it's Tajikistan that still forces people to go work the fields. I think Uzbekistan, they have to go to the fields and pick cotton for like, I think it's like two months every year, like doctors and shit.

Yeah, wow. And like, it's fucking stupid. Yeah, this one is a little bit worse because it effectively turned into a bit of a child genocide on accident or on purpose. It's the Spaniards. It could go either way. Just when 40 days of slavery was not enough, the Spaniards simply enslaved people forever so they could work on giant plantations known as haciendas,

which is, yeah, that's where actually where that term comes from. It's not good. Yeah. Yeah. I think I've eaten at some place. Yeah.

That's like eating. I don't know, like country. What's it called? Soul food. That's like eating country soul food. It's like eating soul food called Uncle Billy's Slave Plantation. I don't want to eat there. But it's soul food.

I'm not a huge fan, which is why I had to think of that for a second. Yeah. You're not a huge fan of soul food? No, I'm not. which is why I had to think of that for a second. Yeah. So they would... You're not a huge fan of soul food? No, I'm not. It's a lot like I'm too white for a lot of spicy food. I'm too white to appreciate soul food.

And I'll accept that. I actually saw that today, like how weird people react to like Takis. Really? Yeah, I enjoy Takis. They taste fucking delicious. They're too spicy for me. Because I'm the whitest man to ever walk here.

So I was watching this show on YouTube where they try to make it gourmet style, like homemade. And all these people, all these chefs are trying it. And they try one chip and they're just like, ah, it's, ah. I was just like, fucking really? I smashed those bags, dude. Like, it's awesome. It's almost like i'm above people sometimes yeah the the the line for superiority is takis yeah which means i am definitely uh subpar which

i already but then you can come up to some other shit and i just be fucking under somebody's boot yeah it's fair they have that uh death chip or whatever that's made with like ghost peppers and shit it's like one chip that comes in like a mylar sealing thing it's not good of course it's not just tastes like a terrible i mean that's those aren't it's not about flavor at that point it's about physical punishment you just don't like your asshole at that point yeah yeah um so it should come as a surprise to absolutely nobody that during their time as the island's colonial masters, the Spanish had to deal with around 200 different rebellions and various uprisings of different shapes and colors, all of which they handled in one very specific way. Kill everything with a pulse. Oh.

Yeah. I'm always down for rebellion. I love rampages. I love rampages. Yeah. And in one instance, the local populace now having been no, one of the things that happens through most colonial periods,

especially whenever the Spaniards colonize anybody is they would try to win them over through their religion. It was one of the ways that they colonialize or civilize the masses. It's the same reason why it's really strange that someone in a really far away Island is just like really dedicated to the Pope, which is exactly how it filled the Philippines ended up that way. So the Spanish, um, bastards,

uh, and they bought into the Catholic religion, but eventually they're like, wait, why can't we be priests? And, uh, when,

so eventually the church caved and allowed, uh, Filipinos to become priests. Uh, once they did the newly ordained Filipino priests helped a group of Spanish trained Filipino soldiers launch an uprising. Yeah. Because, I mean, like, if you really are like a godly person, you'd be like, this is kind of fucked. Yeah, right.

Because, you know, like, I remember vividly because I had to read the Bible growing up. Jesus, who's. Did you? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, it was a meaning orthodox, but, you know like i remember vividly because i had to read the bible growing up jesus who's did you yeah oh yeah uh i mean it was a median orthodox but you know same same it's all the same shit different hats um you know there's there's a part of the bible where everyone's like well jesus always turned the other cheek well there's also a part where he whips a motherfucker so like yeah uh yeah eventually, this rebellion was crushed, and the Filipinos were once again banned from the priesthood. Just to underline how the Spanish felt about the entire situation, they had three priests executed by garrote.

Oh, God. Oh, garrote? Are you familiar with the garrote? Yes. So for people who are not familiar with the garrote. It's my secondary weapon. So that would actually be better than the one that they used back then now um they use the grot was a metal collar that was attached to a wooden board and something that

was akin to like a giant corkscrew system and it would slowly be tightened down by a crank slowly strangling somebody with a giant handheld one. See, I'm thinking of the handheld one, like the mafia-style garrotte. I feel like that would be much faster. I don't know. If you think this is some medieval shit, well, you would be correct. But you should also note the Spanish carried out capital punishment via garrotte

until the 1950s. Really? Yeah, thanks, Franco. Yeah. Wow. If the dude was anything like us, like the executioner, he'd be saying, go to Thanks, Franco. Yeah. Wow. If the dude was anything like us, like the executioner, he'd be saying go to sleep, bitch. Probably. Probably more than that, though. More than sleep. When you see a picture,

it's like a chair. It looks like an electric chair, whereas the person's strapped down, like your arm's strapped down, but instead of having an electric hat. I'm not a death penalty. It's an electric wire. Yeah.

It's like the collar is clamped to the chair and there's just a giant corkscrew behind it that slowly tightens it down. Yeah. And because it's a metal collar, there's like no fast way to die from this. It's awful. Ugh.

But slowly liberal European ideals began to trickle into the islands, and the newly elevated middle class of the Philippines began to send their children to European schools. One of those men

was Andreas Bonapacio, and he returned to the Philippines in 1892 and found the most honorable society of the country's sons and daughters, which, I mean,

that is what it says in English. Hilariously enough, in the native Tagalog language, it's abbreviated to KKK, and I cannot pronounce those words, but I did have Robert pronounce them for me. Hey, this is Rob, the research assistant for the episode, and it's pronounced Kataas Taasang Kagalagalanggang Katipunan Namaga Anak Lang Dayan, or Katipunan for short. It's pronounced, So, yeah, KKK. They also had a pretty bitchin' initiation ritual for the new members. Oh, fuck yeah, they do?

Now, the new members of the KKK. This sounds so bad. I know I shouldn't find this so funny, but I do. This sounds so bad. I know I shouldn't find this so funny, but I do. It's so bad. Now, they blindfolded men and led them into a dimly lit room

that had a skull, revolver, and cutlass in it. What? Yeah, yeah. If the applicant responded satisfactory to questions put to him, he was initiated into the secret society by the means of a blood compact from an incision on his arm

made with a sword. The initiate drew blood so he'd be bleedingision on his arm made with the sword. The initiate drew blood so he'd be bleeding out of his arm, dip his fingers in the blood, then he'd write his name. Oh, I'd be so fucked because I'm so bad under pressure with questions. I'll come up with random shit. Like for boards? Oh, man.

Initiate Nick. Why do you want to serve the freedom of the Philippines? Fuck. My asshole! I plead the fifth. the Philippines? Fuck. My asshole. I plead the fifth. God damn it, just shoot him. Yeah. You'd also have to take a new name, like a revolutionary name.

Yeah. Yeah, it's like a codename. Oh, a codename. Yeah, cool guys get codenames. Fuck yeah, dude. What would be your codename? Platypus. No one ever suspects the platypus. Okay.

Also because I have toes growing on the back of my feet which inject venom it's a very specific birth defect that I have now with any society with a blood oath the KKK I'm so sorry dedicated itself

to the violent overthrow of Spanish rule on the islands now Bonapasio and the kkk now if you haven't noticed i made sure to write kkk as much as possible because it's never not funny it almost sounds like the south is trying to fight the spanish the south will rise again oh fuck we're lost i really don't want to compare the two, but like, cause this is the only time in human history that KKK has been cool. And it has to be, it has to be 10,000 miles away from the American South.

And then he still has fucking idiots like us giggling at its name. We're going to be haunted by Bonapartio in our sleep tonight. Yeah. They dedicate themselves to the violent overthrow of the spanish government or the the spanish philippines government because they knew that like talking to him wasn't gonna work um talking never works no i mean it's only time for action yeah i mean there's definitely something to be like i won't speak too much on on that but there's definitely something to be said uh to direct action because like you can't negotiate some way with people that want

you dead there's no point right now uh bonapasio and his group um would form something of a shadow insurgent government uh like they they started uh appointing people to positions in which government that would exist if they won um but this is where bonapartio kind of pisses a lot of people off he knew for this new government if they were to win was gonna need the support of that enlightened so to speak middle class that had been educated in europe unfortunately most of the wealth that was in filipina hands was centralized in those people's pockets. So he was effectively getting rid of one colonial master for the

bourgeoisie of the Filipino society, which had been elevated by the Spanish. You can see how that could piss a lot of people off. I mean, that I liked him up until now. Most of them also happen to be his friends really yeah he's not looking too good no no you either die a hero live long enough to see yourself become the villain wow yeah you

either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become a class traitor that's generally how that works um eventually his own comrades would hack him to death with the machetes. What the fuck? Well, is it because of that? Someone drew Bonapasio in close and was like, no war, but class war. They started hacking him to death with machetes. I thought it could have been over something like simple. That'd be great.

There is not a problem too big that cannot be solved with hacking someone to death with a machete. That's just the way the world works. I mean, the bigger the problem, the bigger the machete. Wait, my last lumpia. Oh, my bad, I did. Global warming? We need a really big machete. And it'll fix everything. Global war on terror? Machete.

Drug war? Machete. What else have we got here? Well, I mean, I would say wealth inequality, but we need a guillotine for that. LeMay. Which, I mean, what is a guillotine but a machete in a frame? See? It all comes back to machetes.

Now, the problem was when the comrades hacked them to death, the insurgent government kind of became unstable now remember they're still fighting the spanish uh they knew that they no longer had the power to win so they decided to accept the deal that the spanish had offered them uh to be sent into exile in the hong kong along with about four thousand dollars in uh 1897 so that'd be a over a million dollars for sure wow yeah i mean it's like it's of a shitty deal because like only the leadership could fuck off to Hong Kong. Yeah. So like all the rank and file, the people were just kind of fucking left in the Philippines to die. It's like, God damn, these guys all suck.

Now, if you paid attention to the date of that exile, you would see it's only one year away from the beginning of the Spanish-American War. Eventually, the Cuban revolutionaries had erupted in a revolt against Spain. At the time, U.S. President William McKinley had actively been trying to find ways to end that revolt. Not because he cared about the Cubans, or the liberation of the

island, of course, but because it was hurting U.S. corporations, which had a stake in Spanish-dominated Cuba. We are nothing if not consistent. God damn it. As the revolt grew and grew, the U.S. corporations, which had a stake in Spanish-dominated Cuba. We are nothing if not consistent. God damn it. As the revolt grew and grew, the USS Maine was dispatched as something of a show of force. No!

Showing Spain that the U.S. was watching the situation, and they strongly disapproved of their bullshit. It did not exactly work out. On February 15, 1898, the USS Maine exploded off the coast of Havana, Cuba killing 266 sailors. Now, today we know this was almost certainly due to

some kind of mechanical failure. No evidence has ever been proved of sabotage. Now, the press at the time blamed the Spanish and demanded war. This so-called yellow journalism uh now you would know that as like tabloid journalism or fox news um pretty much created an american cause for the war out of thin air they coined slogans like to hell with spain remember the main. It's not good. And ran headlines.

I mean, I'll give them credit. It's catchy. Yeah. It's not even that catchy. I mean, if I'm going to pick soulless propaganda for war, you could do worse. And ran headlines with, who destroyed the main? $50,000 reward and Spanish treachery.

That one's terrible. And every single time these are like headlines that take up like half the fucking page. Oh yeah, I see that shit. They also openly talked about Spanish atrocities against the Cuban population,

which should be pointed out were absolutely true and terrible. But before then, nobody gave a shit. Pretty much. They were only trying to, it was like, now that,

actually it's not a good example. I was going to point out to the crimes that people point out to um uh the crimes that people point out that saddam hussein committed before the gulf war in kuwait those did not happen uh for the most part uh but the the spanish really were awful to to the cubans um i'm not saying they lied about that. It's like, um, actually a good example is when ISIS, uh, was slaughtering their way through the Yazidi population.

And you saw that everywhere. Yeah. But like, then it just stopped. It's because nobody gave a shit about the Yazidis. They just needed to hold up a tragedy play thing. It's like, uh,

and you see the opposite of that going on now with the mainstream, uh, narrative where everybody's really mad that we pulled out from northern Syria and Rojava and allowed the Turks to kill the Rojavan revolution. But you really only

see certain people be like, they're definitely going to commit genocide, guys. We don't really... Because it's not beneficial to the government's tagline of like, yes, we caused a really... Yeah. You know, it's like, because it's not beneficial to the government's tagline of like, yes, we caused a genocide. They only trot out these trauma figures

to start wars. Yeah, and they did that to the Cubans. Obviously, America didn't care about Cuba for obvious reasons, which we'll talk about when the war is over. Furthermore, the Cuba Libre movement or the Cuban Liberation Movement had a pretty strong

foothold in the United States including several offices in Florida. Legitimate offices. They leased out a fucking nice little, almost like a mall. A strip mall. There's definitely someone trying to sell you salt from a cart out front of it. Just wash your hands oh there's a lot of those yeah oh my god have you ever done

it yeah yeah i did once they almost they almost sold it to me until like yeah it's 80 bro this is salt really yeah i never got to the point where they told me how much it costs definitely did have it done to my hands though it was nice yeah uh now it should be said and i would be remiss as the not real historian that i am if i blame the media for the war entirely that's not true but what it did do is put the public narrative behind the war which is pretty important if you live in a semi-free democracy like the united states where people can vote you the fuck out for starting bad wars now remember this is hypothetical because that doesn't happen but people don't get voted out for doing that shit anymore um but what

it did is everybody's like yeah maybe we should fight spain because like spain hasn't been a traditional enemy of the united states fucking ever but it gives you the idea yeah yeah I mean thank God that never fucking happened again right so it should be pointed out that not a lot of pushing was needed for America to get into the Empire game

this is something that America had been thinking about for quite some time and a lot of it can be traced back to US Navy Captain Alfred Mahan when he published a book called The Influence of Sea Power Upon History. It kind of just overtly called for an American overseas empire. Really? As something of like

an outpost system for the United States Navy. To expand our sphere of influence. I mean, America had at least designs on the Western hemisphere, uh, for an empire for a long time. Hence why the Monroe doctrine was like that whole thing was expanding sphere of influence,

expanding American power. They want to keep other powers away while expanding, while expanding their own. That's the only reason why I existed. Mahan himself really bought into this idea as well as the expansion of American power into Central America to establish a canal system to facilitate faster travel. Now, anybody listening today now knows that happened,

and that's the only reason why the country of Panama exists. We literally stole it to build a canal. One of Mahan's biggest fans was none other than future U.S. President and currently Assistant Secretary of the Navy, Teddy Roosevelt. Once Teddy rose to power in the U.S. Navy, he used Mahan's

book as something of a blueprint for the modernization that it would need for his dream to become possible. Teddy had been cheering for a war against Spain to liberate cuba for a really long time now this isn't because teddy really cared about the cubans he just really enjoyed war and like he he was a person that was very clearly some kind of psychopath while doing incredibly cool things um what do you mean by cool like um one time he was written a letter

by a u. US cavalry trooper that complained, because this is back when you could just write a letter to the president. And he'll actually read it? Yeah. And not only did he read it, he answered it. The trooper complained about how long he was forced to

ride during training. It was like 20, 30 miles, something like that. I don't know exactly how long the distance was. So Teddy jumped on his horse and rode fucking two times that just to prove him wrong. How the fuck is he going to prove that? What? That he did it? Yeah. Because he's Teddy Roosevelt

and I could tell you something that Teddy Roosevelt did and most people probably believe that he did it. There's a reason why there's a picture of him riding a moose. It didn't actually happen. It's photoshopped, very obviously, but it's Teddy Roosevelt, so he's like, yeah, he probably did that. You don't fucking ride moose.

He might have. He fucked a moose. Ooh. He pinned a moose down and made it his lover. Oh, God. Yeah, I mean, he's someone, he had a fake frontier spirit, too. He was the most successful

propaganda president on Earth. It was like, yeah, he's this, I mean, he commanded the Rough Riders. He's this guy, you know? But, like, when he did go out west to, like, be a badass, he was, like, brought to ruins. All of his farm animals died,

and he couldn't farm for shit. But, like, nobody ever hears about that. That's true. He just about froze to death. And, like and like i think it's like a dakota or something like that but like that's what he gets for going out to go to but this is a guy who never saw a war he didn't like he is tom cotton if tom cotton became president which he will in like 10 years and in which case we are both going to be executed like if you brought up a war to teddy roosevelt he's like yeah sure but, let's do it. Like, the Spanish Empire

was literally just off the coast of Florida. Like, those goddamn America, close to America touchers, we'll show them. They said I didn't ride that moose, those fuckers. Now, once the war started, the majority of the ground fighting would happen

in Cuba, in places most people have heard of Like San Juan Hill There was also an incident where US soldiers Were sent to capture Guam only to find out The Spanish troop station had no idea they were at war I mean this is the 1800s It's not like they didn't call them So when America opened fire

They thought it was a salute. Did they do a fucking salute? Yeah. Afterwards, the Spanish surrendered. It was kind of a dumb war. Anyway, the U.S. fleet, under the command of Commodore James Dewey, attacked Manila Bay in the first action of the war. Overall, 11 days after the war was declared,

because they were already on their way there. The U.S. fleet destroyed the Spanish fleet so completely it all but crushed the overseas colonial period for the Spanish Empire. The only sailor the U.S. lost in the battle was one man who died of heat stroke. Was he down in the boiler room or some shit? I don't fucking know. Just imagine like you have have a historic victory. Everybody's like, we did it. Oh, fuck, Pete died.

He's just on the deck, but he has that fucking suntan mirror. The entire Pacific Spanish squadron was destroyed. One guy named Frank keeled over and died from heat stroke. The Americans contacted. I wonder how that letter went to his family. I think they just kicked him overboard. killed over and died from heat stroke. The Americans contacted... I wonder how that letter went to his family. I think they just kicked him overboard. Nobody ever talked about it.

Cool him off. Yeet that motherfucker into the sea. We can't have any blemishes on this victory. I think this is how we cure his heat stroke. Give him the Bin Laden treatment. Dump him in the sea. Later, Megatron. The Americans contacted the former rebel government of Panapasio, who had run to Hong Kong for $400,000 and a free house.

And so the U.S. gave them the impression that they would aid the Philippine struggle for independence if they in turn supported the american effort to defeat the spanish on the philippines the former head of the rebel government uh who was now in charge of it though in exile was named emilio aginaldo uh i probably butchered that uh immediately agreed and said he could bring about 30 000 loyal troops back with him nice i don't know if that's true or not but that's what he said hey, it is important to point out here that they had a verbal agreement. Agreeing upon, so the agreement was between

Emilio and Commodore Dewey, along with a U.S. consul named Spencer Pratt. And like anybody with the first name Spencer, you just can't trust them. No. It was a said that- Preston, Spencer. Yeah.

Yeah. Anybody named after a truck or a gun. That too. Or Harley. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anybody named after a truck or a gun. That too. Or Harley. Ooh. Yeah. So it was decided that no written agreement of any kind would be needed. Pratt pointed out to Emilio that the U.S. could be trusted.

And his word was as good as the U.S. government and the word of the President of the United States. All those things are meaningless, but yeah. Emilio later pointed all this out. And Pratt said he was lying, and no discussions of a political nature had occurred at all. This is kind of strange, because remember, he was speaking to the former head of a rebel government who was striving for an independent nation for years.

Literally the only discussion they were ever going to have would be political in nature. I think Pratt might be lying. Yeah. Is there more hatcheting coming up? Oh, yeah. Sweet. Whole lot of that.

Now, if anybody in this... I feel it coming. I don't know why. There's quite a few people in this series that require good macheting. Pratt's one of them, for sure. It sounds like it. So, the U.S. sent a steamer to pick Emilio up and bring him back home. Steamer.

Just a duke floating in the ocean? We're on the safe way like what I heard. When I wrote the script, I knew you were going to giggle at steamer and I would immediately laugh too

because I'm a simple, simple man. Emilio pretty much began putting together a government as soon as he hit the ground for what he thought would soon be

an independent country. Emilio would be wrong. At this point, American forces with Filipino support had all but defeated the Spanish soldiers stationed on the island, which was made easier by the fact that the islands were thinly garrisoned by the Spanish army, leaving little more

something of akin to a mop-up exercise wherever they went. The only place that was not really the case was the capital of Manila, which, unlike the others, the Spanish actually dug in and prepared for a siege. Mostly because their backs were against the wall and they had nowhere else to go. Yeah. Because their entire navy had gotten nuked.

Their navy was fucking gone. The Americans settled in for a siege while their Filipino allies wanted to go in for an attack. The Spanish had their backs against the wall and they were really not fighting anymore. They were more like just shooting enough to let you know that they were going to defend themselves and not be overran. That was pretty much it. They didn't want to fight anymore. I wouldn't either. The Filipinos knew

this and were rearing to go, but the Americans wanted to stall for time. They told their allies that they needed more time so more soldiers could show up and a protracted siege was better for their tactics. It quickly became apparent to the Filipinos who were fighting alongside the Americans that the Americans did not see them as equals or even allies. The U.S. did its best to keep the Filipino troops at arm's length and made sure not to overtly fight alongside them.

Commodore Dewey said of the matter, quote, it's my policy to avoid any alliances with the insurgents While I appreciate that pending the arrival of our troops They may be of use Now if you can't Pick up the old timey burn there That meant that Filipino troops Were only useful a throw against the Spanish To stall them

Jesus Christ Turns out Dewey's kind of an asshole Yeah Eventually 19,000 Americans would arrive To the island still Jesus Christ. Turns out Dewey's kind of an asshole. Yeah. Eventually, 19,000 Americans would arrive to the island. Still, the Allied armies sat around and waited. Nice. For some reason, the Americans were just not pressing the attack.

Well, that was because Commodore Dewey had been locked in secret negotiations with Spanish General Fermin Uandes, commander of the Manila Garrison. They'd come up with a plan to fake a battle. How the fuck were they going to do that? Now, no real resistance would be given, and no real attack would be launched, but it would allow the general to surrender with his troops

with honor, as the Spanish parliament had previously rejected his idea of surrender. I'm just seeing bang, bang, bang, bang. I got you! You're dead! Lay down, bitch! So it allowed the Spanish to surrender to American troops. In the mind of a racist imperialist,

it was considered much more respectful as no real gentleman would ever be caught surrendering to the natives. I really wish I was making that up. Is somebody getting hatcheted? Close. Okay. Somebody needs to.

But the most strategically important part is to let the Americans win the battle and keep the Philippine revolutionaries out of the center of the city, an area known as the Inter-Euros, thus claiming the victory for themselves and the city for America. Now, the fake battle was a lot of maneuvering with like naval ships and infantry

formations um and then the philippines are the spanish troops surrendered despite the fact it was really the only fake battle i've ever heard of 46 spanish soldiers still died as well as six americans which means in a battle that they were supposed to fake spain managed to kill more soldiers than they did when their entire navy in the area was wiped out yeah how do you think those six soldiers died uh it was all friendly fire incidents and i and i think one can exploded holy fuck yeah yeah i thought one was gonna be one maybe one more heat stroke. Now, probably. One fell. One of the people in charge of this fake battle was none other than General Arthur MacArthur Jr.

God damn it. Father of future general and renowned asshole of Douglas MacArthur and holder of a fucking stupid name. Do you think Arthur MacArthur is fucking so bad? Who names their son that? Hey, that's kind of catchy. Let's name Arthur MacArthur is fucking so bad. Who names their son that? Hey, that's kind of catchy. Let's do Martha MacArthur. This is what happens when you have like severe brain damage and have to name your son. I can't fucking forget it. Yeah.

So do you think he looked at all the other soldiers like, don't worry, my son will return. The fuck is he talking about? Yeah, my son will return after he's done rolling tanks over his other soldiers that he fought with. Now, you might remember Douglas MacArthur from such things as World War II, but you should instead remember him for the time he personally crushed the Bonus Army March in Washington, D.C. Fuck him. Also, for the time that he launched the invasion of the Philippines during World War II that did not need to happen. He said he would return. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

It was like a fucking no balls. Yeah. Yeah. Also... With a stupid fucking hat and his pants to his nipples. And his big fucking quincob pipe. Yeah. He did...

He has tits tucked into his pants. Yeah. He dressed like a pregnant woman. He did. At least they have an excuse because they have to have waistbands that stretch along them. He was just dumb. Yeah.

So all this actually happened after the US and Spain agreed on peace terms to end the Spanish-American War. But because this is the 1800s, nobody had gotten word yet again. Once in control of the center of the city, the Americans barred the Filipino troops from entering it. Their own city. What the fuck? Yeah. Good thing we barred the Filipino troops from entering it. Their own city. What the fuck? Yeah. Good thing we didn't do that again. Green zone.

Now, their excuse was the loose coalition of militias that made up the Filipino army would conduct some kind of

mass slaughter of Spanish troops and civilians in some kind of crazed celebration of revenge. Despite the fact I mean,

one, I don't blame them and two, that had not happened yet. Rampage! Even though Spanish civilians were in plentiful supply all along the Filipino archipelago, they did not do that. So, yeah, they're just Americans being

Americans. This caused fierce condemnation from Filipino General Antonio Luna, who is an OG revolutionary and a certified fucking badass insane person. He was one of the few Filipinos who had European military training conducted at the Spanish Military Academy. He had been fighting the Spanish for years, and he was not about to put up with America's shit. That may have been because he had never once seen a problem he could not kill his way out of. Luna was a man known for being a drunken psychopath he would so regularly get drunk and challenge people at duels only to wake up in the morning and apologize for it

it was considered normal behavior for him wow what the fuck was he doing with machetes he was now remember that when he when i tell you that he has a he's well known uh just almost more than what i just told you for being a crazy strict disciplinarian in the ranks so he was a drunken mess but like if his soldiers followed his suit they would get whipped nice and explosive temper and routinely fly off the handle for little to no reason at all. Have you ever heard of being promoted out of a role? Yeah. Yeah, that's what happened to him.

So he got promoted to Chief of War Operations simply so he wouldn't actually be in direct command of anybody anymore because he kept punching people. That's awesome. While America continued being a bunch of assholes, Luna went to work opening the academy militar or the philippine version of west point as well as designing a new standing army for his new nation based on traditional model rather than the fractious tribal groups that he was

currently dealing with and because he hadn't done quite enough he started a newspaper seriously this guy did more in about six months than anybody has ever done in their fucking lives. In the last six months, I have done none of those things. He's got a whole school going. Yeah, I tried to start a military academy and it turns out that's actually called a terrorist group. My dog is the only person to show up. Yeah, yeah. And the explosive vest is very

heavy. She can't quite carry it. So while the shooting war ended between America and Spain in August of 1898, the actual peace treaty was not signed until December, when the U.S. and Spanish delegations officially signed the Treaty of Paris ending the war. The treaty destroyed the Spanish overseas empire. They were forced to cede their claims and title to Cuba, which meant the US would go on to indirectly

control Cuba through the Platt Amendment. Are you familiar with the Platt Amendment? No. It is one of the more gold standard of American diplomatic fuckery. So Cuba would technically be Cuba. It would not be a territory of the United States. But the Platt Amendment said we could effectively do punitive expeditions

into Cuba if they ever did anything that pissed us off. We were Rome. What? We literally just talked about this. Yeah. So like if they installed a government that the U.S. didn't like, we'd invade them. I think we did like four times. Wow. Spain would also hand over Puerto Rico, the West Indies and the marianas islands guam and the philippines to the u.s directly though technically due to language of the treaty the u.s kind of bought the entire philippines archipelago for 20 million dollars for those curious that's about a half a billion dollars in today dollars which is still a pretty fucking

solid deal if you're gonna buy 700 islands or whatever it's a solid price for it now this led to a weird question that began to ask around like what exactly the u.s was going to do with the philippines now the same questions were asked about guam and puerto rico but those were much closer to the united states so people like well those are kind of america the philippines was thousands of miles away yeah it's far yeah and everybody's like are we gonna have an empire guys i just was hoping they get lumpia because remember like even though we had definitely went balls deep in imperialism taking over the united states which was then you know the united states from the native americans we never saw it that way

because of manifest destiny and all that stupid white people shit we all consider that our land yeah this was somehow different because of the mental gymnastics required and the the ethics and morals that our our great grandparents simply did not have um now and there's a lot of really racist newspaper clippings about this like people like that they simply can't rule themselves. They're not developed enough. Jesus. Yeah, yeah. And that is like a super common imperial tagline.

Like Britain, France, and Belgium did the same shit throughout Africa. See, we have to rule them. Yeah, they can't rule themselves. They're not white. Yeah. Yeah, and yeah. Fuck it, yeah.

That tagline literally comes up whenever you research any imperial history of any colonized people. It's like guys who've literally been ruling ourselves long and you've been in country. Um, now America was a new to this overseas empire game and they weren't entirely sure if they were going to annex the entire thing yet or not. It was like, okay, they were if they were going to annex the entire thing yet or not. They were good kids on the block.

They were attempting to do just the tip of Empire. It should be pointed out, however, that a fair amount of people were strongly against this. Obviously pointing out how the hell are we going to fight a war of liberation and then steal the country. This included Mark Twain, actually,

who just continues to be cool as hell. But unfortunately, there are way, way more voices, including the majority of the United States government who are cheering on the idea of establishing an overseas empire center. Albert Breverage of Indiana of all places. Nothing good comes from Indiana.

No said quote, the commercial supremacy of the republic means that this nation is to be a sovereign factor in the peace of the world the conflict of the future are to be conflicts of trade struggles for markets commercial wars for existence you know noted harbinger of peace unfettered imperial capitalism he literally said like he did the the libertarian thing of the freer the markets the free of the people but through colonialism somehow he's from indiana you'll have to excuse him and i say that our producer is from indiana we love you nate this is why he moved to england it is

eventually president mckinley found finally announced the American policy for the Philippines on 21 December 1898. And now this has to be one of the most hilarious things that we've ever named in American history. More than like Operation Iraqi Freedom. He called it benevolent assimilation. In McKinley's announcement, he promised the Philippine people full rights that any Americans would receive. But at the same time forcing the people of the Philippines to accept American supremacy and domination. Those were the

exact words. What? You will have all this cool shit, but we will dominate you. But you have to accept you're subhuman. Yeah. Now, the American authorities knew this would piss off Emilio, so they actually sent him a doctored version. Instead of American

supremacy, it said free people. And the phrase to exercise American domination was removed entirely. Do you think it was just like fucking scribbled over just lightly? Just like, and just put over it? When you fuck up a sworn statement, they just drew a single line through it, like, I can still read

this! Yeah, so they're just like, ugh, yeah, yeah fixed but because the united states military is really really dumb or maybe they redacted it with like a highlighter or some shit another officer who had received an unaltered copy gave it to his to his friend who happened to be an officer in the philippine military who immediately ran and brought to check this out like Bro, who is not fucking happy? While all this was going on, the Philippine people

were still trying to get along with their lives. I mean, they had been through a lot of shit. Well, alright, the Spanish are gone. And the Americans are here. What does that really change? We don't have to go out and be slaves in the field for 40 days. Yeah. This included being able to set up a government.

Because remember, they thought they were going to be an independent country any second. They got a cool new West Point. They already have one of those. Now they have to set up a parliament. They got to get a president. All that sort of shit. Our boy Emilio is hard at work drafting up a constitution with his cabinet.

Doing the things you expect a new government to do. So they declared the existence of the Philippine Republic on January 23rd, 1899. And it should become a surprise to absolutely nobody that the U.S. did not accept this new republic. Now, the war between America and its benevolent colony of Supreme Brotherhood would

sort of kind of begin on February 4th, 1899. Two soldiers, Willie Grayson and Orville Miller, of the 1st Nebraska Volunteers Regiment. Oh, I love his popcorn. Because remember, this is like that weird interim part of American military history where we haven't quite accepted a full-standing army,

so we have people deployed 10,000 miles away, but they're like the first ohio whatever yeah yeah so those two guys are manning a checkpoint eventually some filipino soldiers came walking towards them and the two soldiers began screaming at them telling them they were coming too close to american lines the problem of course was the filipino soldiers did not speak english because of course they fucking didn't and those two white boys didn't speak spanish or tagalog so they might as well that's their first thing to do too i bet you they even have you tried talking slower yeah yeah where they go hey are you like stop coming over here yeah they probably they probably definitely did that

why are you telling them ovaries? That's actually just how people talk to another Nebraska. Yeah. Hi. Yeah, so these two corn fucking idiots from Nebraska opened fire on the Filipino officers. Killing one and wounding the other one. It should be noted that both of them were unarmed.

Way to go, Nebraska. This is where things... Yeah, Nebraska started the war. Bet you never thought you'd fucking hear that one. Grayson ran back to find more soldiers, and I'm going to say a quote here from his journal, but edit it a little bit for obvious reasons. He said, quote,

Line up, fellas. The N-words are here. Oh, my God. What? Yeah, yeah, because America's really racist, but we're not creative enough to think of different racial slurs. Good job, Nebraska. This actually isn't only Nebraska in this one.

Almost every account, first-hand account from soldiers, like enlisted men, this kind of sort of gets edited out when their officers call Filipinos N-words. Oh, gotcha. A truewords. Oh, yeah. Gotcha. A true cultured people that America. Yeah. So these two idiots...

We gotta protect our corn! Protect Western culture, which is invading other people's country, calling up racial slurs. These two idiots not only sparked war, but started the first

and largest battle of the entire war, the Battle of Manila. Ooh. And that is where we'll pick up next week! That's a cliffhanger. I do my best. Do you? I mean, I try.

I like to end it in a cliffhanger. I really like to figure out where this whole thing is going, even if they don't like us. Well, I already gave an hour to them, so now I have to figure out where this is going next time I'm gonna be like yeah and these two guys named Pete and Frank from Nebraska and

we'll talk to you next week now uh that that is our cliffhanger uh so tune in next week for part two that'd be a shit cliffhanger god yeah yeah yeah uh so again thank you to I originally called him a research assistant but that isn't fair.

Our researcher, Robert, for all of this information. He's fucking awesome. Yeah, he's pretty great. Can I say... We used to have this thing in San Pedro. It's in LA. It was called Fort MacArthur Day. Old Fort MacArthur Days. All these different eras and different fucking armies.

Yeah, yeah. Past reenacting. There was a shit ton of dudes who did the Spanish-American War. Who used to do the Teddy's Rough Riders and shit. Yeah. God, those guys were assholes.

Now they're even more assholes. It turns out they're just really good at reenacting. It was weird. They just walked around calling me the N-word. They were just really committed to the part. They were having a heated gamer moment. Oh yeah. So speaking of which we got to play.

Oh yeah. So if you have the new call of duty, we do as well. And you can go on our Twitter and, uh, find our usernames and come lose with us. Cause we're not good. Uh,

if you think what we do is worth a dollar, good. If you think what we do is worth a dollar, you can throw us one in patron where you get access to our discord. You get bonus episodes. If you think what we do is worth a dollar, you can throw us one on Patreon where you get access to our Discord. You get bonus episodes. If you donate more, you get two bonus episodes a month. You get copies of the book.

You get stickers, all sorts of other stuff. Our new lingerie calendar coming out. Only Nick. I got pressure. If you don't want to give us money, that is fine. Our show will always be free.

Rate, review, and share us on the iTunes or whatever other platform you use to listen to fine podcasts. I just recently started doing the YouTube. Yeah. I actually like it. We have a YouTube account as well because for some reason YouTube is the most used podcast platform. That's also really interesting.

I think it's because most people can access youtube at work that's true um and like it looks really weird if you're glued to your phone if you're at work but if you have your laptop open or you're on your computer it just looks like you're working in reality you're hearing us talk about Nebraska racists. So that is part one. We will see you next week for part two. Until then, don't shoot any unarmed people, Filipinos. Later.