Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - Anna Mathur

Episode Date: October 17, 2021

Do you find it hard to deal with mum guilt and taking part in some well needed self-care? Author, speaker, psychotherapist and mum of 3 Anna Mathur joins Ashley to empower, encourage and equip us with dealing with worry and anxiety. To find out more about the Mother Mindway go to @themothermindway on instagram. Have a question you want to ask us? Get in touch at [e-mail]--- A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

guys i've got a confession to make and i'm not proud of it this week i actually found myself getting really angry and frustrated and impatient with alf and i actually shouted at him like i said i'm not proud of it but i had this really awful actually I've had two really awful journeys with him this week so um one was a train journey and one was a car journey so on this particular car journey um it's the first time I've ever been like Alfie stop it stop it and I was as soon as it was coming out my mouth I was like oh my god I hate myself like it's not his fault and why am I saying it and the taxi driver probably thinks I'm this like awful monster but I basically had this work event and I you know I felt really lucky that they allowed after

calm which is obviously a really fortunate position to be in but as soon as I got there I felt really like a sense that he shouldn't be there and I don't know if this is like my own sort of internal judgments that you know you kind of I feel like you have a work hat and a mother hat and those hats don't go on together that's probably the worst overtired analogy I could have made these two hats don't fit on your head together but um I just got there and I was like oh my goodness I used to go to these um like work events all the time before lockdown and it was kind of like the first non-dj one back and the moment I arrived I almost felt not that I was wishing him away because I mean I love hanging out with him but that I was like oh god he because I mean, I love hanging out with him, but that I was like, oh God, he shouldn't be here. Everyone's going to be judging me. There was

like other mums there and none of them had their kids. And I was like, everyone's got a better grip on motherhood than me. And they've sorted out childcare better than me. And I had to do pictures that go out to press. So Alf went to my friend friend and then as soon as I got him back bear in mind there was like loads of people there doing their pictures he was trying to pull down my top uh to obviously feed and of course that's what he knows like he he's breastfed but I was like oh my god like I want the ground to swallow me up he's literally trying to get my boobs out and like he was like almost like headbutting where my nipples were and I was just like oh this is so awkward but anyway it was fine it was a good event and I was very lucky to get a taxi home but because it was a Friday night

the traffic was just horrific and as a lot of you know I moved to Essex and it was my first experience of getting out from London to Essex and what should have been a really quick journey ended up being a two and a half hour journey of standstill traffic, alf's teething, he's actually got his first two, his first two, his top two front teeth coming out which is really cute but understandably he's a little bit grisly and irritated and in pain. And normally I'm so good at being really understanding, but I was just getting so frustrated in the car, honestly. He was like crying and it was just awful. So like I said, I shouted at him,

but also I found myself like really bubbling up this resentment for Tommy, my partner. I hate the word partner. Why did I say that? Oh, sounds like I'm in my 70s. Like, oh, my life partner, Tommy. But I was thinking, it's not fair. He just gets to go to work. Like we decided to have a baby together.

But yet he just gets to go to work every day. And he doesn't have to bring Alf or think about Alf or deal with this and so by the time I got out of the taxi I felt guilty I felt angry I felt frustrated I was angry at Tommy I was angry at the fact I was a mum and like my life had changed so much and honestly it was it was awful and funnily enough that evening I shared it on Instagram and thank you by the way to everyone who reassured me but a friend messaged me saying oh well at least it's the weekend now so you get to have some rest and I was like rest obviously I didn't say this to her but I was like rest rest like oh my god I don't even get weekends anymore because Alf's there, which is horrible because obviously I love him and I love getting to do things with him on the weekend. And also Tommy was going to a wedding. So instead of it being just me on my own, Tommy's parents came to spend the weekend with me.

So, you know, I had help, which is really lucky, but gone are the days. I think it's that realization that like gone are the days where the weekend you can be you can do what you want to do you know like I would have loved to have like had a lion maybe like gone to get my nails done maybe even like gone to get drunk with friends and I was like I just have this like new responsibility and I guess it's not bad it's just that change isn't it I was like oh my god I don't even get weekends anymore and um and like even the week before the train journey of doom but luckily Tommy was on this train journey we were going up to my parents in the Lake District and um somebody had said oh at least you can sleep on the train and I'm not joking the train was so

packed like I've never seen so many people on the train and we were on a table but there were you know we were on one side and another couple were on the other side and Alf was so unruly and it was a three and a half hour journey and he was trying to grab everything grab everything of ours on the table grab everything of theirs on the table and but because it was so busy there was nowhere to go and I was thinking like oh my god days where I used to be on the train where I could like watch a box set or do people still say box sets I feel like it's not a box set anymore is it god I'm so in my 30s is it series yeah binge watch a series and sleep and anyway we got to my parents like, take him, take him from us.

But anyway, I just thought it was quite an interesting topic and a scary topic to talk about that kind of feeling of anger, resentment, mum guilt, the lack of self-care. So basically, I had to get on today's guest. So basically, I had to get on today's guest. So I thought with the theme of rage, resentment, mum guilt and the lack of self-care, today's guest, it just had to be author, speaker, psychotherapist and number three, Anna Martha. She is just so inspiring. I followed her on Instagram for a while she um has the books Mind Over Mother Know Your Worth um and she's just launched a platform called the Mother Mind Way uh to enjoy a happier motherhood which is definitely something that I need right now so Anna thank you so much for coming on and chatting to me thank you so much

for having me I can't wait I can't wait to get stuck in on these topics so important I know I thought we could begin by um kind of if you talk to us about I say us like I'm the queen uh if you could talk to one about uh about your own journey into motherhood yeah absolutely well that's a big question isn't it because having had three kids I've experienced a completely different journey with each of them. And I think that was part of the challenge itself. So my first child always knew that I wanted to be a mum. My first son, he was very textbook, which was great. But actually, I thought it was me. I thought I was doing a great job. I thought I'm loving this. I was doing all the usual, the stuff that actually mums haven't been able to do this last couple of years. I was going to the baby groups and sensory groups and I was going for

coffees and he slept fine and he kind of followed the rule book in a way. So I just had this confidence about doing it all over again. And I think it was Oscar's, my oldest, who's now nearly seven. It was his first birthday and I was pregnant with my second. And I kind of went into it, yeah, feeling quite confident, but it was an utterly different experience. Even the pregnancy was different. I was really sick and he was born and he just screamed the whole time. sick and he was born and he just screamed the whole time. Like really the whole time I was chronically sleep deprived. And actually I remember speaking to different health visitors and saying, he just cries all the time. They said, well, you obviously had an easy first baby, which I kind of did. So I think my response in the exhaustion was just to assume that I must

be doing something wrong this time. And being very much like, keep calm, carry on. I've got this covered. Don't worry about me. I've always been quite someone that just thrives on that feeling of being in control. So having a baby that just didn't kind of hadn't even read the same books that my first child had obviously been reading was just a complete challenge of identity and the exhaustion I got postnatal depression postnatal anxiety and as a therapist this really it really threw me I felt like an even bigger failure not only as a mother but as a professional like how can I be a therapist when I when I can't even use those tools on myself

and that began the journey of which all of my work now has kind of been born from that challenge. Do you know what that's so interesting that you say that because I mean slightly less experienced than you but during lockdown and during my pregnancy I actually trained to be a life coach and I felt so calm and serene during my pregnancy and you know I was learning all these amazing skills and doing all this breath work and I honestly felt like wow like I'm blessed by mother nature and I'm so serene and I'm so calm and even the first three months of Al's life I really just kind of I want to say sailed through it and I think it was partly to do with the fact we were in lockdown so even though people kept

saying oh I feel so sorry for you lockdown mums I really didn't know any different and I felt like I kind of like flourished with that one-on-one time with him and you know he was sleeping really well and he was a really good baby I mean he still is a good baby I hate that expression good good and bad but um but then it's almost like when the three month mark hit me and the world opened up again that it almost like dawned on me how I think how different my life was but also I started to kind of face challenges and interestingly as you're saying you kind of felt like you know you were failing as failing as a therapist, because you weren't applying your own tools. That's how I feel at the moment. Because, you know, I really, I had this experience last week where I had a work event. And they, you know know they basically to make it work they said Alf could come and

on the way back it was Friday night traffic and I basically found myself confined it sounds really like a terrible say but I was like confined to the back of a car with standstill rush hour traffic trying to get home and what should have been a 50 minute journey was a two and a half hour journey but it's a very very impatient screaming child and I found myself getting so stressed and I've never ever I've always been like I'll never take it I'll never take my anger out on my baby but I was like oh stop it stop it and obviously that doesn't help and I hated myself for doing it and then I was embarrassed for the I was like oh, oh my God, the taxi driver's going to think that I'm this like awful mom. And then I found myself getting really resentful of Tommy.

I was thinking like, he doesn't, all he has to do is get up and go to work. You know, like he's actually really like a really good dad. The simplicity of it, isn't it? It's just, you do one thing thing you focus on it and it gets done i was like it's not fair that we decided to have a child but yet he just gets to well he makes alf breakfast before he goes to work then he goes to work and that's it and then he comes you know he comes down if he's got breaks and and i was like it's not fair like i have to either bring alf with me or literally move mountains whether that's asking

Tommy's parents if they're around to look after Alf or um you know whatever whatever it is and I and I just got home and I was like so angry so bitter so resentful of Tommy but also thinking like I feel like I've made the wrong decision like having a baby which is a horrible thing to say because obviously I love after bits and it's so scary when you like vocalize things like this but we have to we always feel that we have to caveat it don't we like if we're gonna voice the challenges of motherhood then we have to then follow it up with this and like this whole cascade of but I love them and I appreciate it and this is and actually wouldn't it be amazing if we could just feel how we feel and not have to heap on it this whole kind of I don't know just almost

arguing our own emotions by yeah justifying the love as if you can't find something hard and challenging whilst also loving them as well. But isn't that just relationship? Like I don't always like my husband, you know, sometimes we argue, but there's always that love and I don't always have to follow up every moan at my friend or little rant with, but I do love him and I'm so glad that I married him, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's just, yeah, it's this kind of invalidation of the value of those two things that can sit side by side. And that's human emotion. Why do you think it is that we have to do it with children? Because you're right.

We always have to say, but I'm obviously really grateful for them or I really love them. And do you think it is because of the judgment that there is or that we feel as mums yeah and and the fear I think the fear of what other people think and I think as we've been more immersed in social media than ever over the last few years especially you know the number of hours I spent scrolling in the middle of the night kind of just feeding in the dark on my own and you know even though people seem to be kind of more

open and honest we still the overarching you know experience that we get of motherhood through the lens of social media is is generally the positive so then we feel alone and then we fear what what might people think if I talk about that without caveating it do you caveat still or have you made a point not to? I'm trying so hard to be more accepting of my own of the kind of the whole spectrum of my own emotions towards motherhood and I think I have this extra kind of special confidence because having worked with and spoken to so many mums over the last kind of 10 to 12 years of being a therapist I know I'm not alone in the overwhelm and the resentment and the rage and the frustration and the loneliness and sometimes the boredom I know I'm not alone in that so I can talk a lot more

confidently and my hope is always that if I'm talking confidently then other people will feel kind of less shame well I guess that you're you're definitely doing something right because um your book Mind Over Mother I love that it's like every mum's guide to worry anxiety and anxiety in the first years it just already makes me feel like I need I need this book but you obviously were onto something because it was time's bestseller I think it's just voicing things and seeing them in black and white. You know, I speak in there about the moments that in the chronic sleep deprivation of my middle child that I fantasized about having an accident, not like really bad,

but bad enough to put me in hospital for a few nights so that I could get some sleep. And I know. Yeah, that's wonderful. few nights so that I could get some sleep and I know but it's a common thought and how many times have do you hear people saying that but actually you know I get so many messages of mum saying oh my goodness I thought I was a terrible mother and then we heap on ourselves this criticism and this self-judgment and this feeling of failure and then no wonder we can't we feel guilty when we rest no wonder we find it hard to accept support emotionally or practically of a friend because we're constantly almost feeling like we need to punish ourselves for not being good enough and not loving hard enough it's really interesting what what tools like what do you recommend to mums who

like me you know are kind of like I guess overcome with that mum guilt or who find it hard to find time for self-care because you know like for me between trying to juggle a full-time job and full-time motherhood like and when everyone's like you should take time out for yourself or you know even when though yeah even the other day it was on again on Friday my my um my friend was like oh at least it's the weekend and you can relax now and I was like relax relax I think that's the thing that I found like the hardest not the hardest but the biggest life change is that your weekends are no longer for recharging or partying and then recharging or whatever it is you do it I almost wake up on a Monday and I'm like oh my

god I need a weekend but I need a weekend from my my child yeah yeah I mean I think it's hard you know when people say to rest and it and you're literally looking at your diary or you're looking at your day or you're looking at the baby that's going through the growth spurt and you're thinking, but when and how? And I think first of all is to change the way that we see rest and then second to change the way that we get it. So a thing that has really changed my life for someone who still sometimes launches out of the sofa if my husband walks in the room because I'm like, oh, I've got to look like I can't be, I don't want to think I'm lazy. I don't want to think I'm not doing anything. I don't, you know, and actually this constant need to be efficient

and to be doing. And actually, I think over the last couple of years, more than anything, I've learned that rest is an act of love to my kids because we need energy to rationalize anxious thoughts we need energy to laugh I don't know about you but when I'm exhausted I have my sense of humor goes out the window it's gone oh my god I always joke to tell me that I've got no personality anymore oh it's gone because when you're tired, how can you be patient? How can you rationalize some of those thoughts and those fears? And how can you even think to plan sometimes? And we need energy for so much more than just doing it because it feels good. I am a better mom when I have rested. You know, the knee jerk reactions, that frustration, that that frustration that resentment that oh my gosh will you all just be quiet that's normally coming from my depletion because I've got no buffer

against life against noise even I was I've got these karma like earplugs now that I put on put in sometimes when it's just hectic because when we're burnt out and we're tired we don't have we don't have as much buffer against the world you said you know especially with um you know your middle child that that was when you found the most difficult and that you weren't putting into practice your own sort of um skills as a therapist when when did you start to figure it out and then realize that you could help people I just remember on one of my birthdays can't remember how old I was it must have been like 31 and I had this kind of screamy baby I was just on my knees I didn't I couldn't even put on a happy face anymore I basically just cried my way through the days I remember lying on the table trying to

not literally on the table with my head on the table, trying to feed my toddler puree whilst crying because my baby was just screaming in the background. I think as someone who had found it so hard to be open and honest and vulnerable, it's just this peeling back of another layer of actually this is why it's important. And I remember going to the doctor and saying, I can't do this. I'm so unhappy. I'm just crying. And he asked how I was bonding with the baby, which then just made me cry even more. Then I think I thought, I can't do this on my own. I actually, and you know how everyone says, you've got this, you've got this, you've got this. Well, actually sometimes sometimes for me the game changer is those moments where I put my red my is it the

white flag of surrender up and I say you know what actually I haven't I have not got this on my own that moment on that birthday was just completely pivotal for me in acknowledging that sometimes we haven't got it and there's actually so much strength in getting to that place. Sometimes even better if we can get to that place before we're on our knees, where we realize that, you know, sometimes we're not enough. And this is all the Pinterest and the Instagram will say, you're enough, you're enough, you're enough. And actually, do you know what? Sometimes we simply, we will never be enough to fulfill the number of roles, the expectations that we place upon ourselves because we're just one person with limited energy and limited expectations. So actually, whilst everyone's like saying, you've got this,

you're enough. The game changer for me has been the times when I've said you know I haven't got this do you know what I am not one person enough to carry all of this and and I think yeah that's kind of the heart of what what came out of that time and the heart of what I'm always discovering layer by layer about myself again to another level when you came to that realization that you know you weren't enough and you needed the support who who did you go to and you know for anyone who thinks like you know then maybe this listening to this is their eureka moment of like oh my god I don't have to try and pretend that I'm doing it all on my own like what who you know was it that you know medically you realized that you needed extra help or friends and family you realized that you know you it that you know medically you realized that you needed extra help or

friends and family you realized that you know you kind of wrote them into help what what kind of there were people kind of waiting on the sidelines watching me floundering around knowing that every time they said do you need anything can i can i you know take the kids so you can sleep and i'll be like no i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine don worry about me. And it's really, you know, it was really hard for those friends and family members to kind of watch me just keep pushing them away and trying to carry on in my own strength. And so I spoke to my GP. I re-picked up my therapist that I'd had a break from. I just started being honest with friends about the reality of how I was feeling. just started being honest with friends about the reality of how I was feeling. And actually,

another thing was my husband had been sleeping in a separate room because there was no sleep to be found and he was working. And I just was ashamed. I was ashamed. I didn't want him to see the amount that I cried at night. I didn't want him to see my vulnerability. And I think one of the big things for me was to say, you need to come back. Like I need you to be there. I need you to take the baby sometimes. I need help. And it was pushing through that feeling of being a failure because everything in me, especially when you can't see the wood for the trees, we know we'd say differently to friends. We know we'd say you're not a failure this is just hard because it's hard but when you can't see the wood for the tree sometimes it's really hard to

have that clarity so I just started being honest and it's vulnerability isn't it and I think we see it as a weakness when actually if it was a weakness it wouldn't be so hard It's a strength. Hiya, we're here to tell you about the Loose Lips podcast. We being me, Georgie Porter. And me, Sharon Carpenter. We're all about honesty and not holding back, especially when it comes to what's in the news. Plus, we answer your questions and we give you advice whenever it's asked for. Even when it's not asked for. We're all about what you're really thinking and what you really want to know. You can expect to hear some of this. I have to say, come on people, we're getting a little too sensitive here. And also some of this. She is plugging her entire career in that one moment. That's the Lose Lips podcast out every Tuesday and not

forgetting Extra Lippy on Fridays. Find it wherever you found this podcast. We'll see you there. I think often our fear with vulnerability is that it'll push people away, but actually it does the absolute, you know, the opposite it it connects you because we're all underneath it all just trying our best did you find um obviously you were like a career woman and I hate saying this now because a career like now I've learned now that I am a mum I've realized that the two aren't opposites whereas I think for me I've always been someone that's like well I love my career I'm a career girl I'm this so motherhood has never almost like been on my radar so then when I became a mum it's

almost like but I'm still a career woman and I you know my friends sometimes um got uh I had a conversation with like a really good friend the other day and she was like I think the reason I haven't had kids is because I've like prioritized my career and And I honestly had to bite my tongue because I wanted to be like, I prioritise my career. I still prioritise my career. Obviously, my priorities have changed. But do you feel like, do you find that a lot of your fear of showing vulnerability is because you were so desperate to show that you were still the same you almost? Yeah, I think it depends where our identity lies isn't it it's we have it's almost like our comfort blanket it's how we understand ourselves to be and being a mum just shakes it up and I think for me part of my identity was being the together person that

being the helper person being the the person that people came to, being the person that kind of always had things in control. So for me, that was what got really shaken up in motherhood. I was so humbled by motherhood when my middle child came along and that was a love born through fire. It was a very different experience. And I think everything I knew about myself just it was like motherhood just shone a light on it and it was a challenge of identity and I think for many mums motherhood is that challenge of identity and it's not to say that we can that we lose our identity that we can't maintain some things about ourselves that we know and really hold on to as a part of who we are. It's just that it changes and changes, changes challenging and we have to find a new normal. And yeah, so it's that challenge of

identity. And I think for me, a huge part of how I saw myself was this strong kind of rational, grounded person that was neat and tidy in almost every way. And it's been a game changer actually to be messier in every sense of the way. And so freeing. And this is where the life has been for me. This is when life really started. This is when my relationships changed. Be myself more because there wasn't always that part of me that said, well, if you really knew, if you really knew what I was like behind the scenes, if you really knew how frustrated I got or how impatient I felt or how angry I feel at you or how resentful or, you know, all of that kind of the messier emotions that I kind of hid. I think so much about this actually is actually about respect it's about respecting yourself as someone with a whole human

array of emotions and needs and feelings and challenges and I think so much of of growth is just about self-respect how did you instill that self-respect into yourself because I feel like I I have a lot of self-respect but I find it hard to I guess yeah maybe it's similar to you that I find it hard to deal with the lack of control and I do find you know that rage that resentment and then after that sort of mum guilt because I feel like I'm never fully present because I'm either trying to work and be a mum or be a mum and you know and vice versa I feel like my attention span I'm trying to do too many things and not enough and ultimately I'm on a very flat battery so I feel like I'm

about everything and normally things that I would just let go I find myself like on a short fuse which is obviously the lack of self-care so how how did you manage to sort of um like deal with all of that and when you kind of came to that realization? I think it was starting, I think I just accepted guilt was a part of me. Guilt has always been a part of me. I don't feel good enough. I don't feel like if people really knew me, then they'd actually like me. I want to be friends. I feel like I'm failing everyone. I feel like I've, you know, and it was just guilt was just an undercurrent to my life. And I think it got so loud in motherhood because there were just so many more reasons to feel guilty. There were so many

more reasons not to hit my own high bar in the bar that, you know, the perfectionist bar that I had, that I had to address it because otherwise I was just going to drown in guilt. I was never going to allow myself any happiness because when we don't address guilt, we are, you know, our internal dialogue often is a lot crueler. We tend to then steer away from things that are nurturing for us because we don't have a lot of compassion. We have a lot more frustration or anger or those feelings of failure. So I had to find a way to address guilt. There had to be another way. I was like, I can't live like this for the rest of my life, just always feeling like a failure in and of a person. The

thing about guilt is that we make statements about the entirety of who we are. It's not like, oh, I could have done that differently. It's this statement about who we are and what we're worth. I'm rubbish. That's a massive statement to be making. So I think I started realizing that guilt was there. I had to use guilt to prompt me and not to be that kind of shaming emotion. And I developed this little kind of three-step technique that I use all the time and I share it all the time and it's ACT. And it's just going through this process with all kinds of guilt. So A is kind of acknowledge, what are you feeling guilty about? I'm feeling guilty because I felt resentful at ALF in the car and I've just got overwhelmed and frustrated and I feel really guilty about that. So C is compassion. frustrated. I feel really guilty about that. So C is compassion. Now, I always believe that we are deserving of compassion. You know, nothing we ever do or say doesn't come out of some place in us,

often of vulnerability. So the C for you might have been, you had a really full on day, you know, you're feeling depleted. It was a stressful situation. So therefore, it's completely understandable that you would have felt, you know, it would a stressful situation. So therefore it's completely understandable that you would have felt, you know, it would have been stressful for your body when you're in a car for two, you know, two and a half hours and your baby's unhappy and you just want to feed them and you can't and you don't know when you're going to get home. So have some compassion. What would you say to a friend? You know, and often I say it's hard because it's hard it was stressful because it was stressful and the frustration doesn't mean that the love doesn't exist what can can we chat

about your your new platform the mother mind way because all I know about it is it's a platform to enjoy a happier motherhood which I mean who doesn't want that who doesn't want more of that and I know it's a massive claim to make. And when I wrote that kind of six months ago, when we started kind of forming it, I thought, well, this is a massive claim to make. How can we actually, how can everyone have a happier motherhood? And I think if we think about what makes us unhappy in motherhood, it's often like that guilt, that feeling of being alone, you know, the feeling of

like we're not doing enough, like we're not doing well enough. And it's often the self-criticism and actually in the anxiety and the worry that all just feels so heavy and it takes so much and the exhaustion. And I think, you know, when we start to address the guilt and we start to address our how we're viewing self-care which I always say is actually an act of love for your children if you can't do it for you start doing it for them because it enables me to have a little bit more patience be less snappy you know less guilt and then we can have more headspace to actually sit there sometimes you know when the kids give me a hug and I think it's so easy for

me to think oh I don't deserve this but actually when we address the guilt we address the the anxiety we address you know how depleted we are then we can actually enjoy those things we can be a little bit more present um so it's a platform it's got a community we've got like over a hundred mums in there just sharing and being honest with each other. So we've got the hub, which it's got kind of lots of growing resources. So we have a different professional each week. They're doing a workshop for 45 minutes. So you can watch all this catalogue of professionals that are there, passionate just about the mum's well-being. passionate just about the mum's well-being because I've got a bookshelf full of stuff to do with the kids you know routine and weaning and sleeping and postnatal like physical health

but actually what about me in all of this so the mother mind way is basically just about the mum we've got a postnatal video course and it's like little 10 minute videos there are 30 you can listen to them when you're feeding and they're all just you know addressing all of the kind of mental health aspects and well-being aspects of motherhood listen to whilst you're out on a walk with a buggy and yeah just inputting back into the mum mothering the mum I love that because you're right we so I mean I sometimes feel like being a mum you're a bit invisible anyway because obviously you you're expected to do a lot with very little praise um unlike the dad who can literally pick them up and everyone's like

and then even like you know we almost become invisible to ourselves because we're so busy thinking about you're right like how to wean how to deal with tantrums, whatever it is, it's all about the child. And actually, I love the idea of, yeah, being able to take Alf for a walk, but then having that almost like thing for myself. Because I think you're right, like this week's definitely taught me that I do need to remember me more. Yeah, because your happiness is a gift to Alf. Like your happiness, our happiness is a gift to our children. Like if we are their anchors, if we are where they turn to when they're feeling wobbly or overwhelmed or even just want to share something, you know, it's really hard to give your child when you're not feeling grounded. It's really hard to create happiness when actually underneath it all, we're not feeling happy or to create presence when we're feeling anxious and our minds are in the future.

So our happiness is a gift to our kids, the biggest gift that we can give. I love that. How do we find platform, Anna? So it's the mother mind way you can find it on instagram you can find it on just the mother mind way.com so it's it's all there and just lots of different tools and downloadables and things that are just about mums just about us this week's question is actually kind of perfect I think for what we've been talking about and something that I would love for you to answer if you don't mind. So it's

Lindsay, who says, Hey, Ash, not really a question, but we'd love for you to do a podcast and holding on to relationships and juggling friendships and personal social life as a new mom. I found it so hard like you, how do you you find this I feel like that's quite similar to what you were saying of finding time for self-care and for yourself yeah and I think also acknowledging that you know we have different resources every time every day we wake up depending on how we sleep even what slept even what we've dreamt about what what's going on that day you know we we have different resources and I think sometimes it's so easy to put pressure on ourselves for I forgot that person's birthday or I forgot you know I forgot to message them back

we're always just kind of feeling a little bit on the back foot with keeping up with people but I think if we can just alleviate some of that pressure off ourselves and maybe just message you know some of those friends on the periphery that you feel like you've kind of almost like accidentally stepped away from, how might you just message them and say, oh my gosh, life just feels so intense, feel a bit out of touch at the moment. But, you know, I will be, I'll be back around soon when I've had some sleep. Or I think it's just managing your own expectations of what you're able to do when it comes to different relationships. And actually, sometimes your friendship circle can get really small for a while.

And I always say like, it's not forever. It's just for now, there will be times again, when you have more emotional capacity to invest in some of those wider relationships, but actually just take the pressure off yourself. It takes takes a lot to maintain relationships and we have more than ever we're in contact with more people than ever ever so it's a lot of pressure but just that acknowledgement that actually if your friendship circle feels quite small at the moment that's really normal and understandable and it's not necessarily forever but it's just for now do you know what I love. I'm so glad Lindsay asked because I actually feel emotional when you were talking there because I've had this.

I feel exactly that, that so many of my friendships have kind of, yeah, just kind of fallen away. But I still love them and I still kind of keep track of what they're doing on social media. And I've kind of felt this enormous guilt in the background. And one particular friend is, you know, one of my best guy friends. And we've been friends for years and years and years. And I just haven't had the time. He was also going through a breakup. And, you know, I've spent hours and hours and hours and hours and hours on the phone to him.

And then life just got busy where, you know, Alf wasn't a newborn anymore. I couldn't spend hours on the phone. And he'd call me and I kept thinking, I'm going to get back to him. I'm going to get back to him. And I actually messaged him, I think maybe last week or the week before saying like, Hey, miss you. Let's catch up soon. And in my head, I was genuinely like, yeah, let's catch up. And he'd built this whole narrative of, you know, he was like, Oh, nice to hear from you. And didn't think you wanted me around anymore. And I, it was was like almost made me

feel like but I'm going through all of this and it kind of it is advice probably just to message someone and say before it almost gets to that the story is that we create in our minds about yeah we fill in the blanks don't we so kind of just explaining it can kind of remove that and there can be a grief as well involved in the fact that relationships do shift and change in motherhood. And it's not saying you don't enjoy the stage of life that you're in. It's just saying, actually, I feel really sad that that relationship shifted. And that, you know, sometimes there is a grief to come when you have children and things do just shift and change. And it's OK to feel sad about that.

And I guess what's really important is you're right it isn't forever and maybe just like you know if I'd have checked in on him sooner because it's not that he wasn't on my mind I thought about him every day it'd be like I need to speak to this person I need to speak to this person and even what you were saying you know I've still got this to-do list of presents and flowers and all these good intentions I had of like you know whether it's people moving house or birthdays. And actually, if I'd have just taken the pressure off and just messaged being like, I was meant to do this and I haven't, but I miss you and I love you instead of just the constant like, oh my God.

But anyway, I love that question. And thank you for answering it, Anna. And also just thank you for being such an amazing guest. Hopefully, yeah, well, I've definitely taken lots from it. And I know lots of people listening will have as well. So just a reminder to everyone, if you have a question that you want me and my guest or me or my guest to answer,

just a reminder that you can get in touch either on Insta DM or I'll be more likely to see it if you email askmumsthewordpod at gmail.com or obviously you can leave it as a review on apple podcast i actually loved reading through the apple podcast reviews the other day i was having a bit of a low day and it was just so so nice so thank you for rating and following and listening as always and thank you so much anna, for being such an amazing guest. I feel like I've had a therapy session. Good. Well, thank you. Honestly, thank you so much for having me.

But also thank you for all that you share, because I know it's you know, it can feel like a big thing putting those emotions out there. But actually, you will be helping more people than you will ever be aware of as they sit there at home thinking oh my goodness I feel like that and it just allows us to yeah it just chips away at that shame and makes us feel less alone so thank you what a nice way to end I feel yeah amazing well I'll be back with another podcast same time next week so thanks for tuning in and I'll chat to you next week amazing