Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - Mummy to Triplets and Bro

Episode Date: September 19, 2021

This week Ashley updates us on her first time away from Alf, and the amazing Rebecca from Mummy to Triplets and Bro joins us to chat all about the highs and lows of being a lockdown mum, her battle with PTSD and her experience having premature children.---A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

well hello i have been so excited to do today's podcast because as you might have seen if you follow me on instagram you will see that i actually did it i left alf for a night so i went to the ntas which is of course the National Television Awards and thank you all so much to everyone who got in touch and encouraged me just to do it and of course it was really helpful to hear from last week's guest Ali Bastien on her experiences as well um so how I did it was that um we actually stayed in the hotel right next to the O2, which is the official hotel, which is great because I bumped into loads of people like friends, but also, you know, other moms. So I saw Lydia Bright and Louisa Zisman and Fahmy Khan, loads of people. So that was just really nice to get to like see other people that I haven't seen since becoming a mum um but I fed Alf I

expressed we bought loads of snacks uh he still wasn't taking the bottle but we did try we put some milk in a bottle and some in um it's like a shot glass I call it a shot glass but it's not a sippy cup but it looks like a shot glass that's what I'll be using it for when he doesn't need them anymore um and so I left the room at about 5 p.m and I didn't get back till about 11 p.m so that is one of the biggest well it is it's the biggest stint that we've ever done and um it's interesting isn't it because I was saying last week how Tom was as nervous as I was about it all. But I have to say, it was so nice to get dressed up. Obviously, I got my nails done. I got my tan done. By the way, living in Essex, obviously, I'm a new Essex girl. the best place to get your nails done back in southwest London there used to be one or two shades of nude for your nails now there's like 50 they were like what what tone of nude would you like so that was amazing as a side note love being an Essex girl um but yeah it just felt so nice to get dressed up and I kind of went with a bit of a Cinderella

theme because I felt like you know if I didn't get home by midnight I might not turn into a pumpkin but my boobs certainly would they were so big towards the end and um obviously I did go to the ball and my fairy godmother was Tommy for parenting for being uh in the hotel room with Alf. But you know what was like the nicest thing about it? It was kind of realizing almost like the freedom of doing it took away like the FOMO of not being able to do it. I don't know if that really makes sense. But what I mean is, you know, there's been so many nights out with friends, dinners, all of those things that I've missed out on because i felt like i haven't been able to because you know alf hasn't taken the

bottle i hasn't taken anything other than the boob but once i was there i was like this is amazing but i appreciated it so much more than i did before alf because it used to kind of just you know i'd always be out and about or i could always be out and about, not necessarily that I wanted to be. And I appreciated every moment, but I also thought, but I also love being at home with him. And I was so excited. I didn't go to the after party. I was just so excited to get back and seeing his little face light up. I actually put the video up on my Instagram so if you don't follow me it's at Ashley Louise James and seeing the joy in his little face when I got home it was kind of like worth more than all of it and after doing it loads of friends were like oh let's go for dinner let's do this now you can leave and I was like it was great I loved every moment, but I'm also

not in a hurry to be out and about all the time again. And I think that's really important because we're almost expected that once you can leave, you should leave. But I was like, I miss my baby. But the good thing is now I have something to talk about that isn't to do with Al because I can bring up going out and my outfit and the dress and all of that. But I do think it's taken away some of that feeling like I should be out because I'm like, you know what? It's great and I'm really pleased that I can do it, but it's not necessarily what I want to do all the time. So sometimes just having the freedom to do it kind of takes away the desire to do it doesn't it but like I said great to know that if I have work Alf isn't going to hold me back he didn't really take the bottle and Tom did say that there was um

you know like a half an hour of like a witching hour where he was like I just need my boobs for comfort not even me just my boobs Tommy was like hour where he was like, I just need my boobs for comfort. Not even me, just my boobs. Tommy was like, I wish I had boobs. Honestly, I wish I had boobs. But he took milk from the sippy cup and the only thing is he wouldn't go to sleep. But secretly, I kind of like that. So yeah, I feel like all in all, success for me,

success for Alf and success for Tommy. And I'm hoping really soon Tommymmy and i will be able to go on our first date because i think now we've done it we're a little bit more like confident to leave alf for a few hours with his grandparents um so yeah thank you all so so much for encouraging me to do that and for kind of following that journey. And today's guest is actually a pro at multitasking, at being a mum to not one child, but to four. And she just has the most amazing story and is also someone who is just really honest about the highs and lows. So really excited to talk to her and to see how she manages it all.

I am so happy and also really honoured to have today's guest on. It is Rebecca, aka Mummies to Triplets and Bro. So she has four children, triplet girls called Bertie, Emily and Etta, amazing names, and big brother Felix, also an amazing name actually. They share their daily adventures, chaos and parenting on Instagram, Facebook,

and of course your blog, which is mummietotripsandbro.com. And Rebecca, thank you so much for coming on because what I love about you apart from like the joy of parenting is that you share the highs and lows and you're really honest thank you I think that was really important to me when writing about parenting was that it was an honest place to connect with other parents um so that it would help people feel part of a community rather than feeling isolated how old are your um are your kids now so the girls are four

and felix is eight well because the reason i'm asking because i feel like as i'm a new mom alph's eight months i've've kind of, it's weird, isn't it? Before you're a mum, you're not really like paying attention to that world so much. But then when you become a mum, or obviously you think about having children, you kind of suddenly get like, get kind of catapulted into this world. Did you find when, particularly when Felix was born, that it was a very sort of polished, only sharing the highs of motherhood space? I think so, probably more even then, definitely.

And obviously that still exists now today, which I was very mindful not to be that parent. Because I feel like I remember Instagram in its early days and it was, do you remember, it was all like white backgrounds and very polished and everything was like looking perfect. So, yeah, I think it's amazing to show like the highs and lows, of course. So, yeah, I think it's just amazing because let's be honest, it's hard. Of course it is. Of course it is of course it is and every child is different so they all have their own little uh idiosyncrasies don't know that you have to manage sometimes managing four little people at the same time um can present different challenges as well but it can be really hard

do you know what the reason i'm so honored to have you on the podcast is because I find it hard to find this time to set aside for this hour how how on earth do you do it how do you do anything I mean there was a time when obviously there well there wasn't time literally but um you find your flow don't you and now I mean this is a new phase for me the girls started school so I'm like oh my goodness I have time in the day I can choose what I want to do um and that is to renovate our house I've thrown myself into another really busy project and don't have any time ever um but there were times in the very beginning when it was just survival and there wasn't time to do anything do you know what there's so much to dissect there because firstly congratulations

on every all the girls being at school that's amazing how's it how did it go and talk me through their emotions but also your emotions I think I'm probably a very it's very different with the girls because I've always got that comfort that they have each other for support um and we we are lucky that it's a small school there was never any discussion about them being separated they're going to be in the same class together and that brings me great comfort to know that they're always there for each other and the teacher has said back on that as well she said how beautiful it is to watch because they can be very independent and play with other people but they're always there for each other and imagine being a triplet and in your life never having to go into a place on your own if you you know starting school and all those things that are

really big in our lives they have each other um they've also got their big brother obviously at the same school which brings me comfort too uh I thought that I'd be okay um much more than I was with Felix but actually the first day was very emotional and I think because of everything they've experienced and been through they were born prematurely and and um Bertie and Amelie in particular have been um very poorly in in their time and think of everything they fought against and come through and to watch them walk into their first date reception the pride I felt and I was just completely overcome with emotion so it went very differently to how I expected it to um and there you are that's mothering isn't it at Ostendorff oh that's absolutely amazing do you know what I obviously

I was so far away from school but this is the first year that I've seen the kind of like back to school sort of content whether that's you know friends on Facebook or people I follow on Instagram and it's the first time that I've like kind of got it but also been a bit jealous because I'm like I can't wait for Alf to be able to go off to school and kind of get a bit more time back but I suppose it is very mixed emotions. Yeah it is and now now that's passed the next day they because they were quite tearful on the first day and I think that surprised me and I think Covid has a lot to do with that because obviously it's still impacting on the way schools run and operate so it's not parents can't

go into the school and they didn't want to leave me understandably this is a big big building they're walking into so that definitely made it a lot worse the logistics of the situation but then the next day they went in happy and I was like well hey I've got all this fun this is great go and do some painting that must have been such a relief because also you're so right like I hadn't even thought about the impact of Covid because obviously not only the restrictions but they will have been so used to spending probably more time at home than they would have, like, say, when Felix was younger. Have you found that it's, like, made a big difference around your peers, like, and other parents in general? And obviously, you had a child in the pre-COVID days.

Yeah, totally different. How do you think it's changed with the tots? Well, Felix, it was so much easier to get out and about, obviously, than it was with Triplet. And he was born a healthy baby, so we were able to access baby groups. We never had to question about, with girls, I was advised that they needed to be, we had a lockdown previous to the lockdown that we're all aware of because I had to keep them very safe because of their premature immune system so we weren't able to go out as much but with Felix I went out to lots of baby groups I made lots of new mummy friends

it was just this fabulous baby moon I enjoyed it so much and um and then with the girls it was we kind of had preparation in some ways because they had for the first two years of their life we were advised to keep them indoors during RSV season which is can be very dangerous to premature babies that's basically winter months and um so we've had that kind of preparation if you like and then we went into national lockdown so really the girls in their first four years have spent most of their life in lockdown which is very very strange and what's it been like for you as as mum because I mean I feel like a lot often we talk about the kids but we forget about mum ironically don't we?

Did you find that you felt very isolated kind of being in a new environment and not getting to do the baby clubs and especially with three babies? Yeah, I did. It was more difficult to go out. I was also getting, as I said, medical advice telling me not to go out. out I was also getting as I said medical advice telling me not to go out and when the summer months came and I felt more able to go out um I was very guarded as well about their safety I was very I didn't like people touching them which might on the face it sounds very strange but we'd had such difficult medical traumas that basically normal germs were too big for my babies so I had to I was really guarded against any germs that they came into contact with which is a dreadful way to live um and then just trying to manage when they started crawling we did go to uh baby sensory

and um it was just so comical some of the situations that I found myself in um when they were able to crawl and they would all go in different directions and then people but then people would help me and it was really sweet but as I say there was that was against this backdrop of oh please don't touch my baby if they look like they've got a cold or anything um and then just before lockdown we started ballet and it was so lovely the girls were old enough then to listen to the teacher and stay in one place and uh I was loving it and then lockdown happened so it's changed a lot of people's experiences hasn't it um see I don't know any differently really like people always say oh it must be so hard being a being a lockdown mom but I I literally got

pregnant at the beginning of lockdown so my whole experience of lockdown was kind of so in sync with pregnancy and then childbirth and then obviously now being a new mom and I think it's only coming out the other side of lockdown now that it kind of hit me how much life has changed how much I've changed and I and it's funny because I'm trying to still figure out how much of that is because of the trauma of like take away pregnancy babies all of it the trauma that we've all collectively been through with lockdown and continue to live through in you know like we're literally living through history aren't we it's such an uncertain time and and then so adding to that you know pregnancy birth being a new mom like you I've moved as well so it's really hard to know and that's one of the reasons I was

actually so excited to have you as a guest on the podcast because I know that you've talked really openly um and do continue to write so amazingly on your blog about um the PTSD you um kind of were diagnosed with and I'd love to know and learn more about that and hear your story um well that was one of the reasons that I started to write about our experience because I joined through having premature babies through having triplets I joined Facebook support groups where I was in daily contact with other mothers um there are father's groups but I was on the mother support group and I was so amazed that obviously there were a lot of people who'd had quite similar experiences to me but they weren't aware of the help that was available to them and

I think that I struck gold with my midwife my community midwife that came out because she referred me very quickly to a local charity and one of the things that I'm aware of and I don't know whether you've come across this at all but whenever there is trauma that's related around pregnancy or birth it's very quickly labeled the mother's very quickly labeled with postnatal depression and that's not actually I I knew that I had post-traumatic stress disorder because we've had a life-threatening birth for all of us and and then my girls I didn't meet the girls for two days because I was so poorly um but we all came out fit and survived which is amazing and then the girls spent the first 11 weeks of their life in hospital and that experience in itself of having a poorly baby in hospital and obviously

I had three poorly babies in hospital um and the various things the ups and downs that happen in hospital the sadness that you see you also see tremendous kindness um but that experience in itself is traumatic clearly um i mean as a mom yourself you can imagine leaving your baby in the care of others to go home at night um other people being in charge of your baby's care uh you know how important it is to make decisions about your baby and when that bears and all those things that as a mother you enjoy doing dressing them for the first time all those things that happened without you making those decisions and obviously it's very important that I wasn't making some of those decisions because they're medical decisions and they were keeping my babies alive and well you come out of that experience and

you know as mothers of premature children we really need to look after our mental health to be the best mothers that we can be going forward unfortunately for us when we got home we had extremely traumatic experiences thereafter too amelie blessed us she came home she was the last to come home and she spent the last six days on her own and she'd been home she came home on a 40 week due date which was the 28th of december we went to visit her on Christmas day in hospital they were born on October the 15th she'd been home for nine days when she I was feeding her and and winding her and she stopped freezing in my arms and by the way I can talk about this because

of the help that I've had to be able to talk about this. If we'd had this same conversation before I had EMDR therapy, which I'll tell you about in a moment, I would not be able to talk this frankly about that experience. It was too hot to touch. I would have burst into tears immediately. But, yeah, she stopped breathing. Unfortunately, that day, David was home home so she was in my arms when it happened otherwise we would have lost her but consequently she was in a coma for three days

um an intensive care so I was back into hospital and then as she came out of the coma Bertie was blue lighted to her high dependency unit and when we eventually got home from that Bertie was blue-lighted to a high-dependency unit. And when we eventually got home from that, Bertie was very, very poorly. And she'd had an incident not long before she'd been discharged from the hospital where basically her heart had stopped. And we knew she had a heart condition. We knew it was likely she'd need heart surgery, but they told us they wanted to wait until she was a year old. And unfortunately, she was going into decline,

and they had failed to refer her to a cardiology department. So it just went, she was declining in our house without any medical care for that. That was a time that we couldn't take the other two girls into hospital because of what had happened in January and the risk of infection. The trauma was so intense and it was repeat. Things just kept happening. There was this series of medical traumas. When we got home from the surgery, when we eventually brought Bertie home and all of the children got the most horrendous chickenpox, it went through our house

and it lasted for weeks. It was just, and during that time um Amelie had bumped her head and we noticed how we didn't notice it before I don't know um but we noticed a lump in her neck and to cut a long story short that lump transpired to be life-threatening to her and she needed emergency surgery in the following January um it was a second cleft bronchial cyst, which a baby can be born with. So she'd had life-saving surgery again. And for the first 15 months, that was our life. It was one trauma after another.

Whilst I look back and I think, whilst managing triplets and their big brother. This is what I was going to say Rebecca honestly I want to hug you um I like because I mean I found you know I've I had Alf and you know all things considered it was straightforward and that was still such a huge life change and for you to be Felix's mum and then to go through all of this not only to kind of you know bring triplets into the world but to have to go through like this constant honestly my heart goes out out to you and I'm so pleased that you're thriving and no wonder you're so thrilled to see the girls go into school all healthy and um it's just amazing I honestly I can't imagine

um what what you've gone through and that constant stress and worry of wow I'm honestly like I just want to give you the biggest hug oh thank you and it and you're right seeing them go in on that day it meant so much more but as I say if I hadn't had help I'm not sure that I would the very sad thing is that I remember during those months of this significant trauma constant trauma I was worried about I didn't want to show anyone that I was struggling because I was worried that people would think I was failing as a mother and how sad is that I look back now at that woman and I salute her I think you did wonderfully and the strength that it must have taken to get through that and do you know what sadly I feel like that's not

and that's not an unusual feeling is it for mothers to feel like they have to and fathers to to feel like they have to keep going to prove to people that they're okay absolutely and that's why it was so important for me to write about it because I know that reading other people's um story of survival has helped me and reading about people who've had PTSD and had undertaken EMDR therapy which is absolutely amazing and what happens just to explain that a little bit more is when we've had trauma whether that be a traumatic birth or any kind of trauma our brain struggles to process that memory because it's too scary for us it's too hot to touch it feels too sad or frightening and it gets stuck in this kind of awful purgatory in our mind and it can be triggered at any moment and that's why if you've got PTSD things that you might not expect can be very triggering. And it's, I mean, I still manage PTSD now.

It can feel like, you know, a constant state of anxiety. And sometimes you can't necessarily understand where that's coming from. But that memory stuck on a loop. EMDR helps your brain to process that memory and put it away, file it away safely. And it doesn't make it a pleasant memory. It doesn't mean that it's all OK. It just means it's memory that is processed and that you can talk about and recognise those feelings about and move forward with it.

So it's not holding you back. It's you're able to move forward with it and recognize the feelings around it how did you know i mean listening to your story and everything you had to go through it so it's almost obvious that you would have ptsd after going through that and obviously i'm so glad that you did manage to find help and find something that worked for you to move forward but how how did what was the point where you were like, something's not right. And also that you've managed to get time for yourself to realize something's not right. But how, how did you know it was PTSD? Or how was it diagnosed? And because I feel like I'm in a phase where,

you know, comparing myself to you, I feel like, oh, my God, I, I shouldn't have anything to worry about, because I've never thankfully had to I I shouldn't have anything to worry about because I've never thankfully had to you know experience anything that you went through but then I still feel like am I is it my mental health is it postnatal depression do I have trauma from childbirth like how did you figure out your emotions and then seek help and get the right help I think that you've touched on a really important point there that you said that from you listening to my story it almost seems logical that someone experiencing that would have their mental health impacted upon and I think I

was very fortunate in that that it was as soon as you know I came out of intensive care the midwives were saying to me look we're going to put you in to talk to somebody about this because you're going to need to process it and it was it was recognized before I could recognize it myself but there was one particular weekend the girls initially were in a NICU in Worcester and that was like a three-hour round trip from home and I was relying on people taking me there because obviously I'd had an emergency c-section and I was everything was out of my control caring for my babies I'd have to ask if I wanted to pick up cuddle my baby feeding my baby everything was I was told when everything would happen and I relied on other people to take me there otherwise I

couldn't go so I stayed there for the hours that I was able to dependent on other people and I just had enough by the fifth weekend I'd had enough I wanted to be with my girls and I didn't want a lift I wanted to stay with them um and the parental accommodation fortunately for me was available that weekend and I because I said please let me stay with them I can't and I was torn because I didn't want to be away from Felix but I wanted to be with my girls and they said yes and I went into the accommodation and it was in a corridor with no windows and I was I went in there to express and I couldn't even shut the door I couldn't be in there and it was then that I thought I've got a problem I don't feel well um and I was there expressing with medical staff walking past down the corridor

were able to see me but that was it was more important to me to have the um the door open than my privacy and that weekend a doctor came up to see me and he said, look, this is really, this is normal, inverted commas. It said, what you've just experienced, it sounds like you're experiencing PTSD now and we can get you help with that. So I was so fortunate that from the outset it was recognised. And then my midwife picked that up in the community. picked that up in the community and I was um referred to this clinic that fast who fast tracked not clinic sorry charity who fast-tracked me to the most wonderful EMDR therapist who changed my life oh I love hearing that for for people who are listening who maybe feel like you know they went through whatever level of trauma and premature birth,

what would be your advice to them, especially if they haven't, like they weren't lucky enough to kind of get diagnosed or get that support straight away? You can. I mean, in Birmingham where I was living at the time, you can self-refer if that's not possible where you are. Then obviously talk to a doctor but I'd also I I find the help and support that I get from being in online communities from people who get it there are birth trauma um groups where there are women who've experienced similar things

who can help you process your feelings so if you're not able to get medical help immediately there are other forms of online support that you can access i think um find a community that works for you uh it's not every group you're going to like but there are you will find a group that you do feel comfortable and safe in to share your experience and get feedback from others um the words of wisdom I found in those groups have been so valuable uh so yeah seek medical advice but also look at whatever forms of help there are and even these days you know I've I've done a story today on my Instagram today saying my DMs are open I might not always be able to answer straight away because I'm a bit busy but I'm I'm there um if I can help people or reading about other people's experiences

that can be so enormously beneficial as well. And also something that you said about comparing experiences. We don't need to compare our experiences to other people. One of my favourite sayings when I went into hospital, because you do see such a lot of sadness, is I learnt to be grateful for the problems I don't have. That is really important. That does help me put things into perspective. I did bring my babies home where other people that I know didn't.

And I am enormously grateful for that. And gratitude, being grateful helps me a lot. But just because my experience was different or better in one way doesn't make it less than. If we're feeling that we've had an experience that has caused us trauma then recognizing that and getting help with that because the earlier you do it the stronger the future you is I love that and I think it's so right because I do feel feel like and particularly as well with like you know everything that's happening um in the last few years with Covid

there is guilt attached to our feelings because we're like oh but we we shouldn't feel like this because there's people in worse situations but it trauma is trauma isn't it hiya we're here to tell you about the loose lips podcast we being me georgie porter and me sharon carpenter we're all about honesty and not holding back especially when it comes to what's the Loose Lips podcast. We being me, Georgie Porter. And me, Sharon Carpenter. We're all about honesty and not holding back, especially when it comes

to what's in the news. Plus, we answer your questions and we give you advice whenever it's asked for. Even when it's not asked for. We're all about what you're really thinking and what you really want to know.

You can expect to hear some of this. I have to say, come on, people. We're getting a little too sensitive here. And hear some of this. I have to say, come on, people. We're getting a little too sensitive here. And also some of this. She is plugging her entire career in that one moment. That's the Loose Lips podcast out every Tuesday and not forgetting Extra Lippy on Fridays. Find it wherever you found this podcast.

We'll see you there. Do you know what I think is really interesting that I would love to get your take on? Because I find often when you're very honest about motherhood and, you know, I don't want to say the negatives, but, you know, the lows and the struggles, which there are, of course,

and particularly listening to your story, I feel that people almost want to not silence you but they're like oh there's like I remember thinking before I was a mum mums are really negative I won't be negative and I saw it very triggering I saw it on someone who um recently gave birth and I think her baby was like two or three days old. And she put a story up saying, I don't want to be like negative, like all the other moms. Everything's amazing. And I love my baby. And I'm really grateful. And I was a bit like, yeah. And I used to be that person as well. And I get it. But I was like, but it's not being negative. It's being open, and it is hard, and especially listening to you.

And I find that often people want to kind of silence mothers particularly, but especially parents, into kind of silence, that even though people say they don't want just the glossy stuff, we're kind of seen as negative if we talk about the other bits. How do you find that? And also, I know that, you know, you went on your own, like, fertility journey, which you've been amazingly open with as well. And I find, you know, often people say, you should just be grateful.

Lots of people aren't able to have babies. say you should just be grateful lots of people aren't able to have babies um have you found have you found have you found that there's kind of an expectation to not talk about the hard bits for me it's about being real and the the outcome is that it doesn't isolate people that are having a bad day i get a lot of messages from people saying, how can you stay, how do you stay so calm, or you're so good when you listen, you stay so calm, and I'm like, that's what you're seeing on Instagram, I'm not always calm, because I'm a human being, you know, and sometimes I get cross, and I do talk about that openly, because I don't want to isolate people that may not be having the greatest day because I know what it's like to read an Instagram post that's all glowing and all you know this is so wonderful you know

and it can make you feel well I didn't feel like that today does that mean I'm a bad mum or I didn't have that energy to sit at a table for an hour today doing arts and crafts am I really rubbish you know so I'm very much aware of how things can make me feel and I care about um it's the old women's studies student in me I care about women and I don't want to make anyone else feel isolated it's really important to me to be open and and honest but I also think that sometimes um I remember a friend saying to me who knew about my fertility struggles. I mean, it took us six years to have Felix and it took us 10 years to complete our family when we finally brought the girls home. And I think it can be. People have said to me it's more refreshing in a way when I am real because people know how much I long for my babies.

And I'm saying it's hard sometimes as well. I mean, it's not just sometimes. There are moments where it's hard every day, aren't there? That's what being a mum is. There will be challenges every single day. And we're always going to wonder whether we're doing the right things or is it good enough or, you know. So being real is more important to me.

And I would rather, I feel quite intimidated and isolated by the real glossy, perfect version of motherhood because I know it's not like that. The thought of that picture perfect Instagram world just made my whole body convulse and I knocked my microphone and do you know what it's so interesting because um you know I I share my life on Instagram which I I suppose technically makes me an influencer and at the beginning I did sort of feel a pressure to show off that sort of glossiness and also being panicked that I was like oh my god I haven't had time to get my makeup done and I don't have any nice clothes and

I don't feel good. So I can't, I can't take a picture today. And then I started to like be like, hang on, but surely that, that's like the same as everybody else. And I, I did, I did find more power actually in for myself as well as for other people kind of showing that yeah like you know it's it's not picture perfect but the days where you could manage to get your makeup done and put on a nice dress or something you feel like a superhuman absolutely yeah and I love taking lovely pictures of um phoenix and the girls as well and I love Instagram for that

I love that I've got these amazing memories and it gets and you know it inspires me to take pictures that I wouldn't necessarily have taken I love that I've got a diary of what we're doing day to day so the children when they're older if they choose to they can look at that so I love some of the glossiness too but the realness is so important definitely how how did you find um obviously navigating triplets or even just one other sibling um you know with Felix how how how did you manage to like find time for him and because I feel like that's the question that we often like wonder the most like especially you know for me on a very simple level like how if I were to have another

one how that how do I do it and you you know you had that times three as I've mentioned it was complicated by the whole hospital thing and being apart not being with Felix enough not being with girls enough and that wasn't the best of starts really um and we didn't want to bring Felix into a hospital surroundings because you know it's it's not the best place for him to be um and so he was passed around quite a bit at that time obviously I felt guilty about that when he got home when the girls got home and we had baby triplets we it was sheer survival and there were times when he did stay with my parents because we knew he'd get the best he'd get all of their attention and it wasn't fair for him to be at home with us and time we were we were on a three three hour speed cycle and I was expressing in between

um so by the time you started by the time you finished one cycle you were just getting ready to start the next one it was just survival and there were times when I felt so guilty I remember the one time him being with I mean I don't know why we were potty training at this particular time I can't even remember when we started but I remember him sitting on the potty and calling me and I was in the middle of getting a feed ready and I don't know how long he was calling me for but that is one moment that will always stand out to me that I could not get to him um and so there were difficult times fortunately for us he's a very chilled out little boy um and he adores his sisters but of course there would have been massive changes for

him to manage how do you deal with mum guilt and what is your advice for people that that you know are experiencing mum guilt because let's be honest we all get it we do i think i've probably had um too much therapy by this point so i don't really do mum guilt so much these days but i remember and there was a turning point in that for me and again being in one of these facebook groups i remember it so clearly that we've seen it david and i would almost trip over ourselves to attend to him if he cried because this child didn't cry. He was the most chilled out baby ever. And my mum said to me, if you have another baby, you will never have one like him again. And boy, was she right. I

had triplets that cried a lot. But he was so chilled out because he had all of us. If I was doing anything about the house, I'd wear him as I did any housework. It was just so, he was such a chilled out little boy. And yeah, when I had the girls, the crying, I felt so terribly guilty that I couldn't tend to their needs. And when I found out I was having tripletsplets that was one of the first things that I thought I'd had such a beautiful experience with Felix as a singleton in this one-to-one time I couldn't replicate that with the girls it wasn't far on them how was I going to give them enough attention how was I going to be the best mom how was I going to love them enough

you know like I'd love Felix how would I be able to do all of those things with three babies at the same time? And of course you just do. And yeah, it was, I wrote on this Facebook group, I can't bear the crying. It's killing me. How do I deal with this? I can't bear my babies crying. And of course I'd trip over myself to try and do everything to stop them crying and then I'd be late with their feed because I was trying to take them and then they'd be crying even more because I was late with their feed so you know

the more I tried to do to be the perfect mum the less perfect mum ironically I was being so and people responded to me and said you're not going to break your baby if they cry crying is well I mean I don't know whether I agree with this or not but this is the message replies I was getting crying is healthy you know they're clearing out their lungs it's what they do it's how they communicate with you um they're not going to break it's okay and I remember from that day forward hearing other parents who'd experienced similar things telling me look you know their children are now five years old and perfectly happy crying isn't going to break them um kind of gave me that permission I gave permission to myself that I can't do it all I've just got to do enough I've just got to

be good enough um and I became a better mum overnight I think because I wasn't struggling and putting so much pressure on myself to do everything perfectly which wasn't ever going to be possible yeah I think that's like the perfect advice isn't it and it's also remembering that you know like Giovanna Fletcher says happy mom happy baby and that or happy babies in your case and that that is like I think that is the advice that we forget that sometimes we worry so much about them but actually when we're stressed and we're unhappy we actually can't be the best parents and sometimes it does take you know locking ourselves in a bathroom and having to cry whilst they cry just to come out and and be better yeah absolutely yeah I think it's looking for the end goal isn't it and the route

to get there and the route might not always look like you want it to or envisage that you would be as a parent or you know however that may look but as long as you get that route which I see us as parents are very much enablers of the best for our children which might be the best sleep the best food whatever that may be but we enable them to get there and for mine you know with the girls that look quite different because that did involve some crying out which Felix never had to do but if it got us to the place where they all were happier um and we had better quality time the next day then that's what I had to do if that makes sense definitely and um do you know what I'm just saying so every week we get questions through um for like to the podcast so either on my instagram or on the email which is ask mums the word pod at gmail.com and i've actually just seen a question that is perfect and very

relevant to what we're talking about now and it's from charlotte h who sent an email and um this is definitely one for you rebecca because we've kind of been covering it so she says hi ashley i hope you're well i just want to say the podcast is fab thank you really enjoy listening every week and hearing about both yours and your guest experiences it just helps to normalize everyone's different feelings emotions and experiences which is definitely a good thing I wondered if you were able to get someone on who has two kids relatively close together. Do I have the perfect guest or not? She says, I've got a 21 month old and a seven month old, and I have no idea how you're meant to parent both all day on your own and stay sane. My eldest is usually at nursery in the week,

but she's off sick today. I would love to hear some tips on how to manage leaving the house trying to get the little one to nap while struggling the toddler I did manage to get to the park today with both but third nap time for the little one didn't happen and it rarely does with the nursery pickups dinner etc do you know it was so I was thinking about naps with the girls and how different it was actually because with Felix he I kind of followed his his lead I never read the book so it was just following him and when he fell into the nap routine and I then maintained it um when you've got through yeah it's it's um but with the girls having three individual babies I then start I'd look at the NHS website to look at what the average is for a child of that age and try to bring them all together, maintain that. the person emailing is having to deal with because they are they're different ages aren't they so

they're going to need different nap times or but certainly I think we can't be as careful with the nap times and routines with the second one because we've got an older child to entertain um so whereas I might have maintained Felix's nap times more within the house certainly with taking Felix out places the girls were expected to have naps outside of the house more which might not always be the best environment for them once they pass a certain age And so I don't think there's a perfect answer, but I think it is going back to that. Just do what's good enough and don't put that massive pressure on ourselves to do it all perfectly because you've got different needs there to manage.

That doesn't sound like the best answer, actually. Do you know what it does and I think it is really good like the thing that stuck out to me was saying how how do I manage to you know do both um like get the little one to nap whilst also juggling the toddler and that is what you're kind of saying and what I take from that and obviously I have no experience yet maybe ever with having more than one but I do find um you know from speaking to parents that sometimes routine is really good and structure is really good and it's better for the parents and it's better for the kids um but also I feel like sometimes it's good to remember that

it's okay if you don't fit that fit into that routine and it's okay to be flexible as long as it works for you guys i think that i would that there has to be flexibility obviously when there's another child coming in um to the equation but i think if you're managing it the best you can most days, then that's good enough with a pinch of flexibility thrown in. I'm really laid back about, as I say, with Felix, I followed him. I followed his routine. But once he got that routine, I was quite into his routine and maintaining it and taking care of it for him that's how I saw it but that was probably that wasn't until getting on for about a year I found that once he got to nine ten months it was more difficult to get him to nap outside because he was too nosy and he just

wanted to see everything that was going on so he needed that quiet space more of his car and his bedroom um whereas before that we've been a lot more flexible that's interesting because alf is becoming really nosy like even if there's someone else in the room i'm feeding him he's like constantly off the boob which is obviously not ideal when you're out in public or at the moment i've got the i've got the electrician downstairs and alf was more interested in him and i was like I don't really want the electrician to be seeing my boobs and so I wanted because I I've completely followed his lead and also I felt quite like lucky that for us you know we have like just kind of let him nap wherever he naps but I'm wondering speaking to you if it's going to get to a point where I'm like okay he needs he needs to be in a

really quiet room so that his like little mind can switch off I think looking back I think it was I remember it being about eight nine months when for Felix that started to feel like the best way forward before that I'd be out visiting friends who hadn't got children I remember it was a summer and I was walking back at half nine ten o'clock with him and he's napping away in his pram and i put him down it's so easy um but it yeah it starts to shift a little bit as they get older that's so i actually as i just mentioned um so the electrician is in and there's so much i want to talk to you about but i know that in about 10-15 minutes the electrician is turning the power off. And I really wanted to touch on it that on top of everything else that you're doing, you moved house and you're doing house renovations as well, aren't you?

Yes, we've moved to House of Rainbow. So, yeah, I've started a renovation page on Instagram, which I'm really loving because it's all about what I like doing. It's not just, it's just something for me, which is very selfish, isn't it? No, I know, I know. I'm slapping my wrist as I'm saying that. So, yeah, we've bought, we've moved to the seaside in North Wales and we've bought a 12- x b&b um which we are renovating and obviously we do not need 12 bedrooms um so we're changing the use of the

house and the layout etc but it's so much fun but it's a total overwhelm at the same time so the children going to school the timing could not be better it's so so are you going to use it as a b&b or are you you're just doing that no no we we think that the back of the house because I don't want anybody coming into the house that I don't know when the children are there I wouldn't feel comfortable with that or anyone sharing our front door because I know what I'm like I'd be going checking it it's locked up but you know so we're going to turn there's a kitchen and a dining room at the back of the house we think we're probably going to turn that into an Airbnb so we do have some form of income from it or a pension so to speak and we can lock that

away from the main house and they can access through the back so I think that's what we're going to do. See the reason I ask is because I was a B&B child my parents had a guest house yeah and we moved there when I was about six and I've got a younger sister who was three and an older brother yeah and the fun I used to have like the mischief we got up to within that B&B um it my parents looking back that they must have constantly just been like oh my goodness because I remember and then I managed to convince my sister that I think that there was like a fairy in one of the bedrooms and this was at about six in the morning and I did it because I knew that there was a guest sleeping in there and so obviously my sister went in and the guest said to my parents

oh I had a lovely wake-up call my sister had obviously gone in and seen people in there and then being like would you like tea or coffee because you just panicked I also had um I had a secret shoe cleaning business that I didn't tell my parents about but obviously it got banned so I put no I made like little adverts and my prices and I put them under the bedroom doors saying leave your shoes out with the money inside if like 50p a shoe and my parents kept thinking my parents were like why are their shoes outside all of the doors and it's because I was going around at night hustling but it must be very stressful I mean honestly I have I just take my hat off to you and give you the biggest hug for everything you've been through for coming out of the other side and you know house renovations and for kids like I

just think it's inspirational and keep being honest keep sharing i know that so many people are gonna um well already find you inspirational but hopefully we'll head over to your insta to your blog and i'm gonna follow your house renovations now as well thank you thank you um so before i before my wi-fi gets turned off I just want to say um thank you so much for being such an amazing guest and thanks to everyone for listening to Ashley James first time mum parenting podcast it does feel weird to say my own name make sure to hit the subscribe or follow button if you have enjoyed the episode then you will never miss one. And of course, if you do like it, if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,

please leave a review. Five-star rating always helps. It helps other people find us. And talking of spreading the news, tell another person, why not? Help us reach more people. And I'll be back with another episode, same time, same place next week.

Thank you so much.