Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - Raising Sons with Lalalaletmeexplain

Episode Date: February 14, 2022

Author, influencer and dating & relationships advisor Lalalaletmeexplain joins us this week to chat all about raising sons in the right way, being a single mum, dating in the modern day and relationship advice in this weeks Mum's the Word with Ashley James episode. tw/ domestic abuseYou can find a link to Lala's new book here: www.linktree.com/blockdeletemoveonIf you have a question you would like to ask Ashley and her guest, get in touch at [e-mail].----A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I am so excited about today's guest not only because she is someone that we've never really had on before but also she is genuinely my favorite person to follow on Instagram I think I've followed her for about a year and a half and she she is completely anonymous, which I just think has made it all the more exciting to feel like you're going to have an emotional touch with someone, someone that could literally be anyone. But I started following her when I was single and looking for single positivity, looking for someone to like be honest around all the things that are never really talked about around dating. But even more interestingly,

for the purpose of today and the chat is that she is a social worker specialising in child protection. I was loving that intro. I was sitting here smiling like, yeah. So on Instagram, you are la la la, let me explain. And we are going to call you la la for the purpose of the podcast. Can I just say that one of the things that I love about you so much, apart from like the content you put out,

is that your content that you put out is from a place of knowledge and education. And what I mean by that is I feel like there's any of us can be a social media expert these days, myself included. So this isn't me like bitching about anyone, but like we, I can put up something empowering and everyone's like, wow, that's so empowering. But I could have just like seen it on a meme or like read it in a book whereas you actually have you are a dating educator you are a qualified social worker like you have you have seen it lived it being educated in it. Thank you yeah I mean I do I definitely think it makes a difference and I you know I like you I love the fact that social media has given a voice to so many people.

I think that platforms don't need to be reserved for experts. I think it's so brilliant and beautiful to have so many people, especially women, telling their stories. I think it's empowering. It's brilliant for us all. it's brilliant for us all but sometimes I think that there are certain accounts out there who do put out information that they're not they don't necessarily know or understand I've seen it on quite a few big accounts where they'll answer questions about narcissism or they'll answer questions about abuse and it's slightly off the mark and so yes I really do try to come from a place of talking about things that I actually genuinely know about and trying to get real information out there. What was the reasoning originally for you to be anonymous like how did the la la la let me explain begin because

I can't even remember when I found you or how I found you I just remember being like absolutely fascinated by the content and I think it was even like a year later that we started like regularly chatting yeah I can't remember because you're like my friend now you're you're one of my close friends um so I don't so I feel like you've been around for ages but I started in 2017 and when I started it wasn't really with any intent like it I didn't start feeling like right this is going to be a big Instagram account it was more that I'd had all these epiphanies about dating and you know I'd been a social worker for years so I'd obviously been really good at being able to give other people advice but was never able to apply that to my own life so it was much more about I want women to um to know what I know I

want to be able to pass on this this knowledge and these epiphanies that I've had about about fuckboys um so it's more about getting a message out but not with any real intent of making it big or you know me and my friend had had these kind of like one day I'll write a book about it you know but it was never like right I'm gonna sit down and do a five year business plan or anything. So when I started it, I was still working as a social worker. So obviously, I had to be anonymous, because the two things are kind of incongruent, you know, like, I couldn't go to work and talk to people, you know, and do assessments on families, while then going home and writing about fuckboys on the internet, you know.

So that was kind of the original reason. And then I am maintaining my anonymity, even though I've left my social work career, because, A, because there's a lot of people who I don't need them to know who I am or where I am. You know, I've assisted many women and families from leaving very violent men. I've removed children from parents, you know, for good reason. But, you know, that puts me at risk, really, in terms of being a public figure. And I've also got a son. You know, son is is uh going to be going to secondary school in a couple of years and I don't want him to be that kid in the playground whose mum is known for talking about micro penises or blowjobs or or any of the stuff that I talk about online you know

I I think that that as a boy especially sadly still in the world that we live, I just think it will make him a target. And I don't want to do that to him. You know, that's his choice if he wants to tell people. But I think that it's best that he has that choice for him to be anonymous and me to be anonymous. I suppose as well, it probably allows, I mean, I'm speaking for you, like maybe I'm wrong, but it probably allows you to talk about things

without having to worry that for judgment on yourself yeah I think I think there is that I mean there's certainly if my face was attached to it all I think I'd be a lot more shy about uh some of the you know the stuff that I've spoken about but also my anonymity protects other people you know I've spoken about my dad's um addiction uh I've spoken about dates I've been on and and men that have done terrible things and whatever and not necessarily that they deserve protection or they don't necessarily deserve anonymity but I think that it would you know I wouldn't be able to share things if I felt like well actually that person might be identifiable if I'm sharing this because somebody might know me and then what put the two together you know

what I mean so I just I just think all round it just it just works so much better for me you know um and I don't want to be famous I just the the thought of being famous for me is like actual hell um I mean you've had you you know you're in that world so you you must kind of I wonder ever do you feel like you wish that you could go out into the shops and stuff and and not think that people are like oh look it's Ashley Louise James you know what I mean do you know what it's a funny like it's a thing. Cause I feel like I've got a good balance of it where actually the majority of people don't know or don't give a shit. So I feel like I can go around every day. Like some of my friends are like very famous and I kind of do feel a bit sorry for them because you know, they kind of have to be on guard all the time, but also it's a tricky balance for me because I feel like I presume that no one knows

who I am but I'm slightly paranoid that someone might know who I am yeah do you get packed and stuff yeah I have done and you know what what actually really upset me was that I was packed the first time I stepped out with Alf so I hadn't announced that I was pregnant anywhere like even to my friends I think I told like my real like nearest and dearest like family and like the three close friends in my circle but I just didn't want to be like glued to my phone and I and you know I wanted to give I just wanted to tell people in my own time and the day after childbirth so I got home from the hospital at seven and I woke up in the morning and I was like oh I want to go for a walk and get out into the fresh air and also I think because I'm like a child myself I just wanted to like play with all my new toys like the pram and

the baby carrier and I was so excited you know you have them around your house for so long and then by the time I got home my phone started pinging and I was like why like who is messaging me and it was basically like every like person that vaguely know, kind of know. And basically I'd been packed in, it was in Battersea Park when I lived in Battersea. And I'd quite often get packed. Like, I don't think people were waiting for me. It was more because like famous people live around the area. So they're like, oh, she'll do, bit of shit.

It's not quite Vogue and Spencer, but it'll do. bit of shit it's not it's not quite vogue and spencer but it'll do um so i wrote like in in those cases yeah but it is um it's hard but i had it worse when actually when i was single and some paps found out um where i lived in my old house and i remember being um like one of them like followed me home and at the time i was like like said, dating a lot of like fuck boys, not a lot of fuck boys. I mean, but I was thinking like, God, I really don't want my love life. Like I was always really protective of like my dating life because the narrative in the press was always Ashley, like so-and-so's rumored fling Ashley James or da-da-da's ex Ashley James

or da-da-da. And I always felt no matter how much I tried to like build my own name I was always someone like even like da da da's rumored fling I it was never even confirmed that I dated this person it was a rumor but yeah my name was still always attached to them and I was like why can't I just be Ashley why can't I just be Ashley James but anyway um yeah that's like a whole other conversation around um like the fame side of it but I want to talk to you about so many things and the first one like you mentioned and I should have mentioned in the intro is that

um of course you're a mum to a son um and you um I believe at least were if not are a single mum I am yeah can you tell me about um this story so your ex cheated on you in your pregnancy yes yeah he did um uh yeah I mean I never go into too much detail about that because, again, it's like, you know, my son is my priority. And until he's older, I probably, you know, I protect him from why his dad and I aren't together because he's now married to the woman that he cheated on me with. And for that reason, I want my son to I want my son to have a really positive view of her I want her to be a bonus mum I want her to be um I I think that if he was aware that she was one of the reasons why we're not together that could be a really difficult thing for him to accept and I think it might make him feel like she's responsible for him and for me and his dad not being together so which she's not and actually

I really support their relationship because they are a much better match than me and him ever would have been so I was devastated at the time um when I found out and obviously wanted to do anything I could to get him back um but with hindsight I'm really glad it worked out the way that it did that there me and him were not meant to be together so even though he should have dealt with that in a different way I I've come to accept that it was, it was just the right thing in every way. Do you know what, that's such a like,

like a lovely thing to hear that even though it was obviously like a devastating thing for you that you're not putting the blame on to her, which I'm sure at the time it was like her. Oh, I was initially, initially I was like fucking slag. But it's interesting, isn't it?

Because I feel like as women, that's what we're automatically like raised for whatever reason to kind of see other women as the enemy and even when it's like for example like sorry to feel like I always like bring it back to like showbiz gossip but even like recently Katie Price has um been in the news because she was arrested for breaking a restraining order against like her ex-husband's new wife and I was thinking like but she's not obviously you don't know the ins and outs and what goes on but I was like but but it's not her like take up the issue with him it's all

it always seems to be like the other woman you know I do I think that if the other woman didn't know at all then she's not your enemy whatsoever the is all on him I think if the other woman didn't know at all then she's not your enemy whatsoever the is all on him I think if the other woman knew which my uh son's dad's wife fully knew they worked together um I'd been told not to worry about her you know it was one of those situations where it's still wholly his responsibility I do feel like you've broken girl code, you know. Well, I feel like I keep going off on tangents. And what I really want to speak to you is about your experience. So as I mean, I guess as a single mom, but also as a as a first time mom, a first time woman pregnant suddenly on her own.

first time woman pregnant suddenly on her own like what what was that experience like and how was it raising a son on your own oh it was absolutely horrible because we'd been trying for a baby um and and again that was one of those things where we definitely should not have been trying for a baby we should have ended ended the relationship. We should have said that there's nothing that's going to repair this or make this better. I was 27 and my body clock just started ticking like loudly. I just had this like real deep sensation within me that I needed to be pregnant. And people talk about this body clock thing

and I'd never paid any attention to it really but it was like suddenly I turned 27 and this thing just it was like my womb was in control I became sort of obsessed by it and I'd never um I'd know I wasn't even in my kind of I wasn't one of those people who was always like I can't wait to have children I knew I wanted to be a mum but I wasn't like obsessed with having children until that moment here and then I was't wait to have children I knew I wanted to be a mum but I wasn't like obsessed with having children until that moment here and then I was like right I have to get pregnant and he we'd been together for five years he was totally up for that as as far as I knew um and I came off the pill in the July and I was pregnant by the November and that's when I found out I think I was six weeks pregnant when I found

out about what was going on with him uh and it was there was it was a bit more complicated than that actually at the beginning but anyway so I it was like right from early days of pregnancy um and it was really awful because he phoned me so so we'd actually split up he'd moved all of his stuff out of the house and then he phoned me on his lunch break from work and he was like listen you know I just need to let you know that if you go ahead with this pregnancy you are going to be on your own none of my family are going to speak to you nobody wants any involvement with this so if you're choosing to not terminate, you're choosing to do this alone and you need to accept that. And I was just in utter shock because this wasn't just some guy

that I'd been shagging. This was my boyfriend who we lived together. Our families were completely intertwined. Like all our friends were the same mutual friends. Like it was very traumatic. friends were the same mutual friends like it was very traumatic um so luckily I've got a really good relationship with my mum um and I was about 16 weeks into the pregnancy and she just said come and live with me uh which was just such a godsend because I couldn't afford to keep renting uh the place that I'd been living in with my ex so I moved in with my mum which was just the best thing ever um and if any if you're in that position I would really recommend it uh but yeah I did the whole the whole pregnancy on my own and I was a bit mad sometimes during the pregnancy you know like I initially I was like calling him over and over and over again just like please come to the first scan and then until he

changed his phone number um it was it was he really cut off like he was not he completely completely cut off uh his family cut me off although I kept texting his mum every time I had a scan every time I had any like news when I found out it was going to be a boy at the uh 20 week scan all of that stuff I was um texting his mum just to say like because I kept one I didn't want him to miss this opportunity I thought he was as stubborn as fuck like I don't I'm not really into uh star signs but he was a Taurus and apparently they're like really notorious for being incredibly stubborn and and he showed me to that that side of him a few times in the relationship that he is someone who will cut off his own nose to spite his face

and he really stuck to that like he was because he'd said that to me because he'd said I'm promising you that you will be a single mum there was this I knew from his perspective that he was not going to back down but yeah so I kept giving these opportunities to his family like please come to the scan blah blah heard nothing whatsoever back from them his mum was a little bit involved during during the pregnancy um and then I ended up getting pre-eclampsia and having quite a sort of traumatic birth story, right in the middle of the London riots. So it was all just like mad. And then his family turned up. So I'd let them know that I was in labour. Again, like one last shot, like, will he turn up? This is his first child. Is he going to miss the birth of his own child? And he did. But his his mum and sister came. Yeah. And then I gave opportunities like

when it came to the birth certificate. does he want to be named on it? Because I had this real thing of like, I don't want my child to have just one name on the birth certificate. But actually, what I would say to most women is that if there is any dodginess in a relationship whatsoever, try to not put their name on the birth certificate if you can. They can always apply in court to have their name added to the birth certificate later on but it can be quite a beneficial thing to to not have them on the birth certificate if they don't need to be or if you're worried you know that there's any potential risks for what reason is that like for custody or yeah i mean so so if you're named on the birth certificate, then you have parental responsibility for that child. If you're not named on the birth certificate, you do not have parental responsibility, regardless of whether you're the biological

father of that child. So I make all decisions about my son. My son's dad, even though he is his biological father, he cannot, he wouldn't even be able to take my son away on on his own without my consent he wouldn't be able to make medical decisions for my son without my consent he wouldn't be able to apply for certain things he has no parental responsibility I give him he's involved now which is you know comes sort of later in the story so I give him permission to make decisions and to do things for my son but I'm the only one with PR and you mentioned that you had um sorry like for my ignorance but I don't know what it is but pre-eclipsia pre-eclampsia yeah I'm not actually

sure what causes it but it's quite common it's quite common but it's very dangerous so I think if you go into full eclampsia I think mum can die I think it's not a risk to the baby I think it's very dangerous. So I think if you go into full eclampsia, I think mum can die. I think it's not a risk to the baby. I think it's a risk to the mum. I think it's too much protein. And is that something that's in pregnancy or in birth? In pregnancy. So I had gestational diabetes. So I was being monitored more regularly throughout my pregnancy. And then on my like uh you know you have like a just an appointment or whatever like a I think I was like a week away from my due date and when I went in they they checked my urine and whatever and they were like right you've got way too much

protein this is a sign of preeclampsia you're not going home we need to induce you today uh and then they induced me uh but that didn't work it took a little while it took like 24 hours um but you were in hospital I was in hospital yeah for that for the whole time because it as soon as there's any sign of preeclampsia which the initial signs for me was that my feet were really really swelled my feet and my ankles and then my fingers started to get really swelled my feet and my ankles and then my fingers started to get really swelled swollen yeah and then they they realized it was preeclampsia so they had to get me in for an induction a week before my due date and then because of like a whole range of complications I ended up having to have an emergency c-section and was your mom

there for this by the way yeah my mom and my sister uh were present and it was horrible because the midwives kept asking like where's dad because you don't have a consistent midwife like they kept changing shifts throughout the labor and each one that each new one that came on was like so where's daddy and it was just like oh for fuck's sake if one more person asked me that you know it really just made me feel like he's not fucking here all right you know like and that and I found that that happened quite a lot like so my son's dad got involved with my son when he was about two and a half and prior to that like even if we were in shops and stuff you know and my son's in the buggy and he's not even at speaking level yet but

people would be like oh look what you've got. Are you going to take that home and share that with daddy? And I used to feel so gutted. Like every time anybody said that. Did you correct them or did you feel like embarrassment? No, I went along with it. I went along. Yeah. I went along with it. I was just like, now I'd probably correct it. But then it used to trigger something in me this like real sense of inadequacy and real sense of like you know my son he doesn't understand what on earth they're saying at the moment but he's going to come to the point at some point in his future where someone's going to say that and he's going to be like what who's daddy you know I mean and it would just it would

just fill me with all these just awful sinking feelings so I never wanted to make the situation more awkward by going actually his dad fucked off with another woman when I was pregnant you know I mean there was just but now I would I'm you know I'm in a different place now but uh yeah I was I was embarrassed did you find that there were like judgy attitudes towards you being a single parent if and when people knew no no not not that I've ever noticed um and you know it wasn't even because I've never had you know I was raised by a single mum my parents split up when I was quite young uh I was about seven when my parents split up so I've never you know vast majority of people uh in in my class that their parents were separated so I've never you know vast majority of people uh in in my class that their

parents were separated so I've never had negative views about single parents it was an internalized thing for me it wasn't a way that I would have ever judged anyone else but for me it was like fuck like not only are you a single parent but the dad's not even there like it's not like my single parenting when my dad was still seeing us on weekends and stuff it's like complete absence and for a long time I internalized that as as being to do with me you know and it clearly wasn't but it's it really felt yeah I felt I felt ashamed of it not of being a single parent I felt ashamed that I was such an awful person that a man would actually relinquish the choice to experience his own first child you know I mean and I've worked on that and I've I've my head is not in that space at all, but initially that's, that's how I felt.

God, it's mad, isn't it? It's like there's something about like women, this is a massive generalization, but there is something about women that we just internalize like complete assholes. We give them so much power. We make it about us. Even my friend, like she's dating at the moment as a single mom, which is something that I want, want to get onto you. And, um, a guy, she was like chatting back and forth with on this dating app and they were

talking about having a coffee and um when she mentioned um that she'd adopted and you know there was no dad he basically like blocked her but he didn't tell her he wasn't going to block her he can't she said she just like noticed straight away that his whole like demeanor changed but i think the issue was that he was going what so you you have a rule of time I think he was kind of hoping that she'd be free on weekends that there would be no like child around or something and anyway he blocked her so she was like I'm not ready to date like obviously this is how people are gonna view it and I'm sick of being the one that's too nice and obviously like people don't

want to date me because i've got um my daughter and i was like yeah it's because of him it's because of him like and also what a fucking swerve that he could not even communicate because i said to her it's it's a fair enough reason you know that somebody might not want to like date someone with a child like it you know not everybody would and not everyone doesn't that's okay but it's the fact that he could not communicate that and made her feel like it was a her problem absolutely and there's so many single mums note that that if you're talking to people on on apps the the second that you mention it um they're out I was talking to my friend yesterday actually who's got three kids uh and she said that you know it's a huge there's so many conversations that she had that the second

that she meant you know they'll know she's a mum and then she says I've got three kids that's it gone blocked but again like you say that that's on them and and and they would have never been a good match so it's it's it's not a loss and there are people out there who will wholeheartedly accept the fact that you've adopted a child or that you've got three kids or six kids or whatever, you know. From your own, well, from both your personal experience, but also like being a dating educator for anyone who is listening now, who's a single parent and that putting, thinking of like putting their, I was gonna say their feet. That's not the phrase, dipping their toes back into the dating world. Like what, what would your advice be for dating with a child? Oh, there's so much advice. There's a new dating app starting actually, which I haven't tried yet, but I know the owner Zoe and she's amazing. There's a, an online community for single parents called Frolo. I don't know if you've heard of the Frolo community it's been a really really positive

platform so so far the way that they've used it is for women to connect with other single mums and loads of people have made really great friendships on there um with parents who live like locally in their area and now Frolo are developing or I think it's launching on Valentine's Day a dating app for single parents so all everybody on there has to be a single parent men and women and they've got real their security is as high level as the banks in terms of having to put a driving license passport or whatever to say who you are so I think that's going to open up a new world really for for people who are dating as single parents because you already know that everybody on there is cool with the fact that you're a single

parent and is actually probably wanting to look for some you know blended family situation in the future but even something like that doesn't necessarily negate the risks. And when you're dating as a single parent, I think you have to be, you know, when you're dating as a single person, you have to be cautious, you have to avoid red flags. But really, the only person that you need to worry about is yourself. You know, if you get into some shit, if you make a wrong decision, if you see a red flag and you ignore it, it's only you who's going to suffer. When you have children it's a whole different ball game you can't date in the same way that you did when you were a reckless

childless singleton you know because you are now responsible for making sure that those red flags and those risks do not come anywhere near your children wow do you know what this is mad to me but I'd never even considered the risk factor I'd always considered the like the judgment or like you know people do you put your do you say that you're a single parent on your dating app because then at least people know what they're getting before they speak to you all of that I'd consider but you're right so I'm open to dating and I'm open to love but I am so cautious about things not only to protect my child directly from risk of harm but I also know that I need to protect myself in a different way because I can't be a good parent if I'm suffering from uh the

emotional fallout of another fuck boy and and I've been there you know like when when my son was younger I was dating um someone I was in love with him he was my boyfriend we'd only been together six months but you know I really I really thought it was going somewhere and then I got a call one day from his baby mum uh who he lived with and had a child with and I was absolutely shocked but I remember that call that sorry it was a text actually that she was it a call or a text I can't really remember but I was at like tots football or whatever and I remember it coming through and you know when your heart is beating and you've got that like anxiety and you're just discovering something and you're like when you're in that

mode you can't look after your child properly and I was just obsessed with like getting all these texts back from her and piecing these things together of like but I was with him on that night were you with him on that night what about Valentine's Day and that and I remember my son coming to me for attention uh and me feeling like oh just take your ibina and go and just like watch a tv program because I can't like I've got to be on my phone dealing with this right now um and I remember then going to bed and feeling so awful because that day I'd been so consumed with this man drama that actually my son had just been like an irritant you know I mean um he needed my attention but I just didn't have the capacity I was just like oh

get put on another you know CBBs or whatever. And I really went to bed just feeling so awful and guilty that night. And I really knew that I could never, I mean, we can't avoid heartbreak. We can't avoid that kind of stuff. But it really showed me how careful I have to be because any man who emotionally harms me, any upset that I go through, directly impacts on my son. On each step with Peloton, from their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner.

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Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. details from those who study the supernatural. I'll be listening through your paranormal stories every week and try to understand them as well as chatting about my own encounters with an occasional paranormal investigator too. You can find us wherever you get your podcasts from including Apple Podcasts, Spotify and Acast. Just search for Paranormal Activity with Yvette Fielding. Just search for Paranormal Activity with Yvette Fielding. You know, I do say to single parents who are using the generic apps, like don't say that you're a single parent on your front profile. Like drop it into conversation fairly soon into the conversation, but don't have it on your profile because there are dodgy people out

here who will specifically target single mums what so you wouldn't say that you've got a child on your dating profile no no not on my front not on the profile page no because then I've become a target yeah that's so interesting and this is what I mean again by like making sure you're going to the right people for advice because my friend um who i was talking about i when she told me about her experience and the guy basically blocking her when he found when he found out that she was um not only a single mom but to an adopted child and he cut out i was like have you got it on your page you should have it on your page because then you avoid those type of people but again like i hadn't considered the the risk factor god i know this is like such a deep thing to talk about as well

on the podcast but i think it's just so important isn't it because you're right like there are pedophiles like it's like even you know there's a case and that's just kind of come to light in the media at the moment about the girl in america the black girl who was murdered on a date and i was thinking wow i used to really go on dates with people and take it to heart if I didn't hear from them again enough and actually like they could I mean not that they were murderers and stuff but you know I mean like we really forget that there's a lot of bad people out there yeah I mean if you even just think about you know there's so many Kate Grace Mullane is is is a a real prime example of somebody who just went on a date with a guy

and and never came came back and and yeah you're right that that case in america i think it's her name lauren lauren something a double lauren field lauren field smithfield i think yeah awful awful and it hasn't even been investigated properly which is all very much rooted in in racism and the fact that she's a black woman that and that her date was a white guy um but yeah i mean i think that's the problem as a woman i wouldn't be you know i would give very different advice to men you know men can quite easily put children on their dating apps not their photo i wouldn't say men shouldn't put their photos on dating apps but you know the risk of encountering a female pedophile is extraordinarily slim the risk of it the other way around is

unfortunately much higher but I do think it's really important to get it in don't leave it too long so you know like the first couple of questions how was your weekend even if you didn't see your child or like mention the child in that so oh my son was at his dad's this weekend so I had a chilled one or I had my son this weekend so we went to xyz get it in straight away but don't put it on the front page so what you're saying is that basically you're that there is obviously the potential that somebody would not be interested after chatting to you because you have a child but that is not your problem to internalize but it will stop potential predators targeting you yeah exactly that god that is some solid advice that I would never in my naive world have thought of I come from a career where I have dealt

with I couldn't even begin to tell you how many cases I've dealt with where a mother has met somebody online moved him in within six weeks or something and then god you probably don't even want to hear the stuff that that has then happened as a result of that you know uh I've seen it time and time and time again um people meeting on dating apps often Facebook Facebook seems to be the one where they seem to meet people who turn out to be dodgy I'm not sure why that is but um but I've seen it so many times so I'm I'm extra cynical and and and you know most people are going to be fine putting their children putting that they have children on a dating app you know 70% of the time it's going to work out absolutely fine I'm just very risk averse when it comes to anything to do with children how do you navigate all of it like let's forget dating like we say this a lot like I couldn't do

it how do you how do you do it like single parents are amazing how do you do it but genuinely how how um you just get into a rhythm and a routine and you know in some ways, I find being a single parent, not easier, but everything is on me. I don't, you know, I don't have to, I don't have to compromise about the way that I raise my son or about the things that I teach him or the things I allow him to do or don't allow him to do. You know, there's some benefit in it just being me, and I'm in complete control. And I'm a bit of a control freak in some way so I guess that kind of suits me but it is it is difficult it's difficult there's there's there's things that I really struggle with like going on holiday with him

um we we haven't been on holiday for a couple of years together but whenever we have been it's always just been me and him and I when I book the holiday I'm always like yeah we're gonna get away and it's gonna be really fun and then whenever I've arrived there I've spent the week feeling so sad and so alone um because it's all families or you very rarely see like another woman you know another woman and just the kids very rarely and if you if if there are single parents often they do they go together with like friends and stuff and I have spent many times just sat like in a holiday disco watching my son doing like dances or whatever and just on my own at a table and just felt this sickness and this real sadness so there's things like that that I found really difficult

like holidays and stuff um I find uh the money thing very difficult my son's dad does contribute but um it kind of doesn't really touch the sides in terms of like rent heating electric food all of that sort of stuff you know it's all on me and that can be quite difficult um there's nobody to lean on you know if like an extra big bill comes in it's like fuck I've got to go further into my overdraft or whatever and I find things difficult just silly little things like you know cooking is really shit because um I always cook too much and then my son I his tastes change on a daily but like one minute he'll really love eggs and now he doesn't eat them anymore and then the food that I've cooked doesn't get eaten

because it's too spicy or it's you know I mean so so things like that like I used to love cooking I don't get any pleasure out of it anymore because it barely gets even eaten or enjoyed or appreciated you know what I I noticed that just even being like single because I remember like when I was younger and funny enough I was always in a relationship when I was younger not necessarily a good relationship when you go from relationship to relationship because it's being with someone instead of the right person but I've learned and I've grown but when I was single and even when I was loving being single I never and to be fair even now like but I guess I have yeah and stuff but I just never

got my passion for cooking back because it's not yeah exactly that you just lose the kind of passion for it you know I really have got into the habit of just like five staple meals that I know that will go down well like carbon carbonara, jacket potato, you know, like this really got into this mode of absolute shit cooking. But, um, yeah, so it would be really nice to have somebody around who could just cook for me every now and then, or take responsibility for those things every now and then. So I think it's those things that are difficult, but, but, you know, I'm, I'm, I've never not been a single parent so I think I'm in a different position to a lot of single parents who have to adjust to that thing of you know having their

partner around for the first five years or ten years of their child's life and then being a single parent I think it's a whole different ball game to me where I've just been a single parent the entire time. Do you find it annoying when you see people like, for example, me complaining about the fact that like the annoyance around the term hands-on dad is there must be a part of you where you're like, well, at least you've got the partner to help. No, no, I don't feel like that at all. I find those things really irritating as well,

that the bar is set so incredibly low for dads that we will like praise them for changing a nappy like genuinely be like wow you've got such a good man because he's he's cooked for you like wow you know I I just find it incredibly frustrating that the lion's share of parenting is all on women um regardless of whether we've got partners or not and then when we do you know if people do have good partners it's like that partner is a fucking god because he's just doing very basic child care um so i know no i'm all for people complaining about that i think that things need to be much more balanced it's funny because actually the the one thing if Tom and I ever argue which let's be honest is a lot in the newborn state I don't want to call it arguing because I think communication is healthy and

it's better to actually uh vent frustration and to know where each other are standing but when he says things like oh I'll give him a bath to help you and I'm like it doesn't it's not helping me it's helping us like you you are as much the one to give him a bath as me he's always like oh don't start and I'm like but anyway he doesn't do it now because he understands very much that it's not helping me out it's such madness like people do it to me all the time you know I'll say I'm a single parent men do this on dating apps as well and then that then they'll say oh is dad around I'm like yeah he sees him every other weekend oh that's so good that he's around that he's involved what like what you're

why how is that good that my son's dad sees him twice a month like that's not good that's that's what's that very bare minimum of what he should be doing you know like don't nobody's ever praised me for looking after my child nobody's ever said wow that's so good that you're there with him like every day that yeah like could you just expect me to be there with him every day like you know the most annoying thing I found was like really really early on so alpha must have been two weeks old so I still had stitches I had like an anal prolapse like there was a lot going on and basically when I got a really bad boob rash we had to go um like really long story short but we ended up having to go see a dermatologist because I couldn't get an appointment with the doctor because of lockdown and my boobs were literally agony and I would have spent any money in the world to have got rid of this rash and Tom

basically picked out I think he got him out of the pram and picked him up and a woman genuinely was like oh it's so nice to see your hands on dad I remember thinking like he is not the one with stitches and his bum hole hanging out the wrong way around. Like, why are you praising him? And also, if you want to be, like, really basic about it and, you know, like, talking about the sexes, like, he is the stronger one. So why is he being praised for picking up the child? Like, no one would ever come up to me if I'm picking him up, even though technically that would have been bad for my child birth recovery no one would ever be like so nice to see your hands on mum never never it's so fucked isn't it and people like to come with these debates about like well it's just natural isn't it

you know men are hunters and gatherers and women and nurturers it's like no fuck off like there's actually no biological evidence to to suggest that in any way that men are not built to nurture and love their own children and care for them and there is you know people like to talk about the animal kingdom if you want to talk about the fucking animal kingdom it's women the lions in the lion kingdom it's the mums who are all out looking for food while the kids stay at home with the dads you know do you know what it's interesting because i'm obviously very um passionate in talking about um toxic masculinity and misogyny and i know you use your platform even better than me for that as well but um what what is your thoughts on

like raising strong men? Because I have actually spoken about this on the podcast before, but you know, whenever there is another like gender-based violence or sex-based violence, whatever you would call it, I was trying not to say violence against women because I know they're not, that's putting it as the woman and erasing the man from it. But there's that meme that goes around,

which says protect your daughters and that's crossed out and then it says educate your sons and I used to throw that around quite flippantly and then now that I'm a mum to a son I'm like okay yeah of course I want to educate my son but how and how do you navigate the sort of like toxic masculinity because it affects boys as well like you know I don't know the type of person Alf is but I want him to be whatever sexuality is I don't want him to be embarrassed for being sensitive um how how do you navigate it especially now that you've got a son that's going into senior school well you know the first thing you're already like 10 steps ahead of a lot of people because you're thinking about that so any parent who's actually thinking

and considering that they want to instill this into their child that their child's already you know got standing in pretty good stead you know there's a lot of people who wouldn't even think it and there's a lot of people who are just misogynistic, you know, so, so Alf's already in a good position. He's being raised by a thoughtful parent who is thinking about how they're going to do this. So that's, that's really one step like out the way. Um, it really is about, I think for me, it's a daily thing. So, so again, a So again, a lot of the men that we see now who are heavily misogynistic, not only is it because of societal attitudes, but it's also what they've experienced within their own homes. You know, if you have witnessed your mum being downtrodden by

your dad your entire life, and that is just normal, then you're not going to treat any woman any differently um so again alf is ahead of the game in that because he's already going to be raised in a household where he's where his parents are equal where he sees his dad being respectful towards his mum and and where he's not going to be exposed to dad making derogatory comments coming home with page three and go and look at that son you know so so he's he's again he's he's very privileged to be raised in that kind of household and we really do have to take note you know like if if we are thinking about having children with somebody if this is a man who displays misogyny or who thinks women are less than or who thinks that women have a particular role within the household that is the message that's going to be imparted onto your children

and that is what they're going to witness and that is how they're going to grow up you know I speak to people all the time in my dms that say I'm really surprised by my partner's like behavior and attitude so I suppose that is like a consideration isn't it like that what what do you want your child to be around? Exactly that. It's incredibly important to think about that. And I think it's also about really challenging everything they see. So for example, little things like I was watching Grease with my son. And it's such a pleasure, you know, when they get to the age where you can start to really enjoy, like films that you, you know know you're still in the stage where you're having to watch really shit films I'm in the stage where I can't even watch films yet I can't wait to get to like Disney film oh mate you've got you're so like and then when we progress to the next day like now we watch Ghost at the weekend and I was just like yeah I can introduce you to all these movies and you're starting to get them like I love this but but like

so we're watching Grease and you know there's that scene where he's at the drive-thru Danny tries to kiss Sandy she pushes him away and she's like Danny he's like Sandy she pushed him away he puts his arm around her again uh and then she like gets off gets out and storms off and throws the ring at him or whatever and so like little things like that I paused the film and I was like you know let's talk about what just happened there because he put his arm around her and she didn't like it but he went for it again like let's let's have a discussion about that you know then there's my son going oh no that's absolutely wrong yeah you know so so you I'm instilling those things in him from from an early age so that that is just normal to him that's so good because I feel like I grew up in a

world where it was like oh if someone doesn't like you keep trying that was definitely the message to boys but also if you were in bed with a guy or let's say it's like more teenagers and you're hooking up with a guy and he's trying it and trying it and trying it yeah it was always like the girls that were considered like foolish or gullible for giving in, as opposed to the guy for being like predatory for continuing to try until the girl gives in. Yeah. And that's a message that, you know, if I had a daughter, I'd also be pausing the film at the same time to say the fact that he just tried after she said no the first time. That's disrespect. He's breaching consent. These are your boundaries. first time that's disrespect he's breaching consent these are your boundaries you know and these are things that I wish people had stopped and told me at the time when I was watching these

movies and just going oh yeah this is how you get the guy you change yourself completely into a slag or you know into hot stuff and then he'll want you you know all of these all of these movies provided so many messages to me that were never counteracted with anything, with any type of positive sex education. I'm really open with my son about anything to do with sex. And I have been right from very early. You know, my belief is if they ask you the question, they're ready to know the real answer. And that can be incredibly awkward, but it's the right thing to do because you also then

create a space where your child feels really safe to ask you things and so that's been really nice for me now that he's getting a bit older and he will stop and say mum you know I won't necessarily say the things because I don't want to humiliate him but you know he'll say certain things to me and I'm like I am so happy that I created a space where you feel safe to do that. So like you, I want my son to be whoever he wants to be. So I was painting my nails a couple of years ago. My son must have been about eight.

I was painting my nails and he was like, oh, can you paint mine? So I did his toenails and his nails. Nothing in that at all. He just wanted his nails painted. Doesn't mean he's gay and who cares if he is. And that was that. And then I didn't remove it before he went to his dad's for the weekend and then when his dad dropped him back he was like I need to have a word with you this is really serious and then had a go at me about allowing my son to have his nails painted and was just like don't ever do that again don't ever let my son go

out of the house like that again and I'm like why and he's like well boys don't do that and I was like why and he's like well it's not for boys explain to me why and he just didn't have a rationale behind it whatsoever it's all wrapped up in such toxic masculinity but then I was able to have that conversation with my son and be real and and and talk about toxic masculinity and talk about why his dad's being such a dick about it you know whereas actually if we were together it'd be much more of a battle within the household about that kind of thing but but everything is a teachable moment you know I've always really hoped and I hope that I will have this really like open dialogue but because I grew

up in a household where nobody talked about feelings, and actually, I was desperate to talk about feelings, but like, it just wasn't the norm. I would never even think to stop and pause the TV, or maybe I would, I don't know. But I'm sure that there's going to be like so many parents, hopefully nodding along, I'm going to start pausing Grease and all the other things that we see, because it's like the perfect way to talk about open dialogue. Like you said, we've not even mentioned your incredible book that has just come out please just tell us more about it it is a dating guide there's loads of dating books out there like the rules um why men love bitches there's there's there's so many dating books yeah yeah me them all. Yeah, yeah, me too. And all of them, all they taught me was you desperately need to get a man and this is how you do it by basically pretending to be like this cool,

casual person who doesn't give a shit about anything. And that's just really not me. And none of the other dating books worked for me whatsoever because I'd read them and I would still be equally vulnerable out there on the dating scene, fucking everything up like a clown I remember even thinking like god how can I be more of a bitch yes yes I don't want to be nice like I wish someone had just said to me you can still be nice but you just need boundaries as opposed to me thinking I had to pretend to be a bitch exactly that so yeah I've written the book that I think I really needed before I went fanny first

into dating particularly after having a son because that prior to that uh dating apps weren't around but after that they were and it was like coming out of a long-term relationship into this new world of dating apps as a single mum I was just floundering I didn't know what I was doing I I I made every mistake you could possibly make um and I found that nobody was talking about these realities in any dating books anywhere nobody was talking about um you know what it means when someone ghosts you or what to do when somebody is way too rough in bed or how to deal with stuff like uh them approaching you in a sexual way in the first message on a on a dating app you know like so so I've tried to cover everything it is about dating from a heterosexual

woman's perspective it's about acknowledging how misogyny actually impacts on that and how our gender impacts on on our dating life it's about understanding how to get really comfortable with being single so that you are dating from a healthy place not a desperate place uh it's about looking at what red flags you might you might be bringing to dating and your own attachment styles and mental health and how that can impact it looks at different types of fuck boys that you might encounter and how to tell the red flags for each different type it's very in-depth thorough and I really hope that it helps uh particularly women to to avoid shitty men god I feel like this is even for like people who are listening who are parents like what gift for your like teenage

daughter or is it absolutely I think read it if you've got teenage kids so that you know what kind of stuff they're going to be exposed to in the future read it even if you're happily married because you've probably got friends or sisters or nieces who may really benefit from some of the advice that you pick up in there um you know I think it's just generally going to be hopefully a really helpful guide to people about navigating all the shit that we have to face I'm honestly so excited to read it and before I let you go and I am so conscious of how precious time is as a parent and how uh much that we've chatted but I do have a message through every week. I basically read out a message from one of my lovely listeners.

And this is from Kim who actually wants some dating advice. So I thought I would like put this one to you because who better? So she says, hi, Ashley. I was wondering if you had some advice. I'm not exactly about parenting, but it's been eating away at me. I'm currently dating my daughter's father. Our relationship's not perfect, but we work on it every day and I love him. I'm currently dating my daughter's father. Our relationship's not perfect, but we work on it every day and I love him. He has a few friends and they are close.

After a recent vacation with them, I've started having feelings for one. It was so out of the blue, but the more he's around, the more I feel and the worse I feel. I love my boyfriend. I want to spend my life with him, but I can't ignore these feelings and I need to work through them and get past it. I'm ashamed and sad and I don't know what to do how can I get past them oh god I mean the first way to get past them is to forgive yourself for feeling them because having that sense of shame and sadness is just going to compound everything even more and you know it's that almost that thing of like when you're not supposed to be doing something or thinking about something, it makes it 10 times harder. It's like in your face all the time. So actually rather than trying to be like, I can't feel this,

I can't feel this, like shutting your eyes to it, actually feel it. Allow yourself to feel it with no shame and no guilt and realizing that our brains do mad things sometimes that we're not necessarily even responsible for like the more that you feel that this is some dirty secret thought the harder it will be to get rid of it so so first of all accept it and then start to think about is it really this person that you're feeling for or is it something about the way that they're making you feel could you know because the way that they're making you feel could be done by anyone and it might actually be a bit of a sign and a bit of a key for you as to something that might be missing from your own relationship or something that you could encapsulate or or gain in your own relationship you know so what is it about this person? What is it

making you feel? Is it sexual excitement? If it's that, then you could maybe explore with fantasizing and that's quite healthy. It's not unhealthy to fantasize about somebody else when you have a partner. It's very normal. Is it something like they make you feel alive? They make you feel, you know, they laugh at all your jokes. They make you feel funny. They make you feel bright. Is that something that's missing from your relationship with your partner? If it is, then again, it may not be this person that's actually attracting you and making you feel these things.

It's that missing thing. It's that laughter. It's that feeling really valued for how funny you are or whatever um and then that would be a sign that maybe you need to try to get whatever that is in your relationship and the only way to do that would be communicating with your partner couples therapy introducing new things or whatever but um but yeah so I would I would really forgive yourself for feeling this um but I wouldn't ever feel like recommending that telling this person or telling your partner ending the relationship because of these feelings would necessarily be the right or healthy thing to do work on it first think about where it's coming from and don't do a love actually because I feel

I find that the most toxic scene that people think is romantic you know the scene where the guy goes to the door with all the cards that it's like the cards I've never actually seen that film but I know what he's doing he's the best friend's friend it's the yeah it's his best friend's wife or something isn't it and yeah yeah it's a horrible thing to do um you could never go there with this person they've they've had a child together she you know so even if she did fall in love with the friend or it was genuinely love you could never go there there's there's places you cannot go and your your baby father's best friend is just one of it's no go never i like the i like what you said as well about, like,

recognising, like, maybe what's lacking in your relationship because I didn't know until, like, very recently, well, like, 2018 when I was single, but about the love languages. And actually, like, it makes so much sense to, if, for example, like, your love language is physical touch and maybe, like, you know, your boyfriend or partner's friend is very, like, handsy

and that makes you feel really loved, then that's something that's really easily solvable by saying to your boyfriend like oh you know I love yeah I love it when like you couldn't we hold hands or whatever it is exactly yeah um I love that um Lala thank you so much for your time and I've been so desperate to get you on the podcast and it's just been so interesting. Thank you. Yeah, I'm so grateful. And thanks to everyone else for listening. If you're still listening after this mammoth episode to Mums the Word, the parenting podcast,

and I always feel like a YouTuber when I say this, but obviously don't forget to hit the subscribe and follow buttons so that you never miss an episode if you're enjoying it. And leave us a review. You can put a review on the Apple podcast, hopefully with a five star rating, but I won't force you.

And then it might be one of the messages that I read out or of course you can get in touch on the voice note or the email, which I will write below. But I'll see you same time, same place next week. Thank you so much.