Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - Susie Amy

Episode Date: August 29, 2021

Actress and mother to Noa and Rosie, Susie Amy joins Ashley this week to talk all about their birth experiences, how they found pregnancy, and some of the products that worked best for them.If you have a question you want us to answer, contact, [e-mail].---A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello. Oh my goodness, my second podcast episode. I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who reached out, who listened, who left five stars, who got in touch. It's so appreciated and it's made me feel like maybe a few people will listen to my podcast. So I'm so grateful. And I realized last week I kind of went straight in with Roxy. I was like right in the middle of some serious baby blues, and it did feel like therapy. So I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I did. But I thought better late than never,

I should probably start with a bit more of an intro about how I got to having Alf who is now seven months. So I was single for six years and I think so much of my identity was in loving my single life and talking about single positivity all the time and being like you don't need a man to have fun, you don't need to have kids to have fun. And that was kind of the way my life was. I'd never really been around babies. And I've got a dog, a little toy poodle called Snoop. And I was always much more likely to go up to dogs in the park than a baby. And it just was never a burning desire, let's say, for me to have have children so when I met Tom and my partner

do you know what I feel like we need a better word for the guy or girl that you're with who you've got a baby with who I feel like boyfriend sounds a bit like you're in the playground but then he's not my husband and partner sounds a bit like we're in our 70s. So if you can think of a better word than partner, because it literally makes me cringe, but my partner, Tommy, came and we met very quickly on Hinge and Alf came three months later at the beginning of lockdown. And I feel like the beginning of my pregnancy was me majorly freaking out,

but also trying to prove to the world that I was still me, that I was still that single positive, which by the way, I'd say I still am, but you know, like super fashionable. I saw becoming a mom and motherhood and everything about actually parenting is like a bit like, ugh, which sounds awful. sounds awful. It's so funny because I would actually consider myself like a big feminist, but yet I realized I had so much misogyny against, especially moms. So I kind of sailed through my pregnancy. I will actually chat about pregnancy in more depth because I think it is something that is so big and so huge. But it was when I got to about 30 weeks that I started to suffer with really bad pelvic girdle pain.

And that was when the kind of me who I knew started to like get lost a little bit, I guess, because I could no longer wear heels. I was finding it hard to wear nice clothing because I was massive. I then had a pretty traumatic birth. Alpha was 9.5 pounds and we had no idea he was going to be that big. And I was fully expecting this really kind of like spiritual experience with childbirth. I wasn't scared. I trained to be a life coach in lockdown and I felt like I had all these skills to be like, yeah, you know, nature and my body are going to do its thing and it's going to be beautiful. And it was hell. It was hell, 18 hours of hell. By the way, I do know people that have had amazing births. So

if you're listening to this pregnant, please do not think that my experience will be your experience. But now I have this seven month old baby, Alf, who is amazing and has changed my world in the greatest of ways, but also the most what the fuck kind of ways. And it's funny because I've gone from being really like anti like I don't want to be like one of those mums to oh my god mums are amazing there's so much sisterhood and support and I just love parenting so that's kind of how I came about deciding to do this podcast because I feel like I've connected to so many amazing people both on and offline. And obviously, it is quite a lonely thing, especially with a global pandemic thrown in the mix as well. But I thought it was really

interesting just to touch on the fact that I was never maternal, or at least I didn't think I was maternal. And so my guest today is the absolutely amazing Susie Aimee. She is best known for her role in Hollyoaks and Footballers' Wives, but she has not one, but two children. She's got two lovely daughters, Noah and Rosie, and she gave birth to Rosie in October last year. to Rosie in October last year. And I thought she'd be a really great guest this week because she also felt like she wasn't maternal before having children. And she also had, I'd say, quite a traumatic birth. And she's just got so many amazing stories

around her experiences with Noah and Rosie. So I had to get her on. experiences with Noah and Rosie. So I had to get her on. So as I mentioned, I am so excited to be joined by the wonderful actress Susie Amy, who Susie, firstly, you've got two beautiful daughters, Noah, who's two and a half, Rosie, 10 months. My biggest question is, how did you do it all again? It's really funny. every time I'm walking around with them both lots of parents do say that but obviously lots of people have numerous children and it's funny I I think we decided we would like a sibling for Noah and we sort of thought we'll go for it I am I'm 40 now I was 39 when I had Rosie and we didn't know how long it would take. So we did have them fairly close together. And my sister keeps reassuring me

that it actually makes it really easy for the future. So we're just kind of holding onto that thought. It's definitely an overwhelming time. I feel like all I do is just run around tidying stuff up, cleaning up from the baby led weaning, but also dealing with a two-year-old who doesn't want to share, et cetera, et cetera. So it's an amazing time, but I've got to say Rosie has fitted in very well. Everybody sort of was reassuring me that having a second wasn't that much of an intrusion on what you've already got in terms of your time because you're so busy anyway and it's weird you just kind of fit in together she probably doesn't get quite

as much attention as Noah did uh because there's only so much you have to give and obviously having a toddler is really demanding so that's the only thing I feel a little bit bad about um but we just do the best we can. And have you found it's been, I know you said that she slots in really well, but have you found it's been like a real life change from one to two? Because when I'm having like my freak outs, I'm like, I would love to have a sibling. I don't know if it's possible. I don't know if it will happen. But then when I'm like stressing about the most mundane bits of how busy I am, I'm like, how do people do it with one more, two more, three more, however more, like how?

I haven't found it nearly as much of a life change as I did having the one. Going from being completely free and living my life exactly how I wanted. I've never worked nine to five. So my life has always been very, very free. And I can make my own decisions and travel where I wanted. I love my own company, et cetera, et cetera. So going from that to a baby was much more of a change than from one baby to two and it has been nowhere near as big a life change or or I found it very scary going from zero to one and I haven't so much from from one to two honestly it's it's it's a lot more because we're already locked down to a child's routine to a degree adding another one into the mix really really hasn't hasn't been as hard as I worried it might be that's so reassuring I feel like for me and probably lots of other people who are probably in my in my boat but when you know we talk about

the mum identity a lot and that how scary it is to go from naught to one and obviously I'm still in that kind of first year of trying to figure out my identity of what I want to keep from my past who I am as a mum and all of those things is it is it fair to say that we have quite a similar journey in that um you you weren't necessarily you didn't feel maternal and it wasn't necessarily something that was like on the agenda for you. It absolutely wasn't a priority for me. And what I found really interesting, I met Raf in 2017. We were working together and after that job ended, we got together and it all happened very quickly. Within a few few months I was pregnant and I genuinely it was a surprise I'll put it like that it was a huge surprise and it was a real thing for me to try and get my head around because I didn't know how I could continue to work because I was away

touring with plays or I was working up in Liverpool I didn't know how I I still don't know how I can do any of that um as a parent um that that would be something I would have to work out. And it's still in my head that I really don't know how to do that. I think what kind of frustrated me was I really wanted to share that this was a huge lifestyle change for me. And I feel that people kind of felt like I had planned to get pregnant in this way so quickly because I was late 30s. And I think that's something that people assume that everybody who's in their late 30s that's a woman that hasn't had a child is desperate to have one. And obviously, she is the love of my life, as is Rosie, and the best thing ever. But at that time, early pregnant, when you're sick and you feel like you're adjusting your head to this huge change, and it wasn't something you bargained

for at this point, it really frustrated me. I didn't feel like I had anybody to voice my fears to because everybody was sort of like, sure, sure. Yeah, you're pregnant this is great this is I nobody nobody wanted to to hear me on that particularly um and and it is weird because it is wonderful but you are you are dealing with a lot a change for life it's not a new full-time job that you sort of you know can take 25 days holiday a year or you can quit and change this is full-. And I think it was the permanence of it that scared me so much. And did you find that you had those feelings like throughout your entire pregnancy? Or what was the moment when you were like, Oh, I'm starting to like, run with this now? Yes, I didn't. I didn't at all. I absolutely adored my first pregnancy. I feel so lucky about

that. Once the morning sickness passed around three months, I really, really began to enjoy it. I did a play at the Edinburgh Festival. I was five months at the time. And then Raph and I went on a road trip in the States. We did 18 States around America. And we had the best time ever. He'd never been to America. And I was like, oh my goodness. So we hired a car and we did this massive road trip. And that was one of the best times of my life. I loved it so much. And the excitement then built about the family we were creating. And I'm very lucky that I didn't feel like that for my whole pregnancy, but it's a real feeling that lots of people, and I know you've

said this because I've listened to your podcast already. I know you've said that, you know, even if you're planning for the baby and you get pregnant, it must be such a mind altering thing to know that the baby's actually on the way. And I'm not speaking for everyone because some people must be utterly delighted. And also, you know, speaking like this, I do feel bad because I know that other people are really struggling to conceive and have a family. So I don't want to sound ungrateful. It's just for me in my own little personal bubble, going from my sort of lifestyle to a baby was a huge change for me. But I'm not unappreciative in any way. Do you know what, I feel exactly the same because I have friends who are going through fertility struggles and have done for years one of them actually has just had twins and from ivf which

is amazing because lockdown kind of put a spanner in the works with the ivf treatment so i'm just so happy um but i have friends that are still struggling and i feel exactly the same because um you know it's fair to say that alf was definitely not planned. And it coincided with the very beginning of lockdown. So we kind of all thought we were going to die and the world was ending. And suddenly I was having a baby, which I'd never really wanted. And actually, it was Tom's reaction. He was so excited and so, like, amazingly positive about the whole thing that I was like, it's so weird to say, and it's awful to say,

but I felt like I was maybe because we weren't married or we'd only been together three months, but I genuinely felt like I was 15 years old. And I was like, but what are my parents going to think? And I'm not old enough to have a baby. And Tom was like, actually you're 34 years old. Do you know how beautiful that he had that reaction? I know. And now I'm so lovely. I couldn't imagine life without Alf now.

But it took me a while to get there. And then in pregnancy, I honestly felt like Mother Earth had come and put herself inside me. I was floating around. I felt ethereal. I love my body. I've never had like so much respect for other women and people who give birth. I was like, this is where we are miracles. We are walking miracles. Like how I've got eyelashes inside me. I've grown eyelashes. Like how amazing is that? I've got a Willie inside me. Like the whole thing, I was just like, wow then I think um I mentioned in

the intro but then when I started to get pelvic girdle pain I um I think that was like a bit of a reality check for me that it wasn't all smooth sailing because I was lucky and that I didn't get any sickness and I kind of you know I'm a would never guess for my accent but I'm a northerner I feel very resilient I've you know gone solo traveling and done all these things so I was like well having a baby how hard can it be and then um late nights I've done loads of them I've partied throughout my 20s this is going to prepare me well um and I think you know the the end of pelvic girdle pain and then childbirth which was pretty traumatic which I want to speak

to you about as well. And that was when I kind of had this like, oh my goodness, this is not all like roses. I'm very grateful not to have got the pelvic girdle pain. You'll not be, I mean, I obviously was watching your journey. And honestly, I'm so grateful that didn't happen to me. I did get the sickness, but the rest of my pregnancy, I was I was big like you. I had a bigger baby for my first. And it really, really I'm so grateful because I also loved being pregnant and my body. And I loved I loved the reaction from people, too, especially when we were in America. People are so kind when you're pregnant. I've never I've never been treated so nicely as when I was pregnant the first time obviously the second time like you it was locked down so I didn't go anywhere um but

it's a really wonderful experience if you feel well you know for people who feel sick the whole time or have pain like you did that is not a fun experience and then it's followed by childbirth and then your body trying by childbirth and then your body trying to recover while you're looking after this precious new baby so it really is something it really is a journey and also when you're saying you people treat you so nicely when you're pregnant it's so true but did you almost feel a little bit invisible after you gave birth because I was like if I was so applauded and you know whatever I liked you know whether that was like water for water or a loo wherever I wanted or whatever it was around pregnancy like you're

glowing you're this you're that and then you have the baby and you kind of like feel like you want the the love and reassurance and support more than ever but it's like you need the loo huh like get in the line and it's like it's so true always ruined I've got a bladder prolapse I've got an anal prolapse like I might shit myself at any moment like why can't I skip the line and no one cares no one cares but you're so right I missed it I missed it so much and actually on such a shallow note on the second pregnancy I was sad that I couldn't go anywhere because honestly the first time round I actually really feel for people who had babies during the pandemic I don't feel for myself having my second it was actually it was actually perfect

for me it worked really really well but I did feel for people who didn't get to enjoy their pregnancy um you know maybe doing the last trip without children um I yeah I did feel for people who who maybe were on their first pregnancy and family couldn't visit etc for me not having people visit was quite good after the second baby because the first time I felt very overwhelmed but I did feel for people having their first babies I really know what you say that but I actually I people kept saying well it must be so hard giving birth or being pregnant in a pandemic. And looking back, yeah, it probably was quite hard, but there were also so many benefits because, you know, Tom was at home rather than in the office.

And I wasn't beforehand, I was traveling the world, DJing. And, you know, I actually got to like listen to my body and relax. And it was kind of nice just kind of being in a bubble. And then even when Alf was born, it was so difficult not having, my parents didn't meet him until he was three months old. And I'll always be a bit sad that they missed that newborn stage. But I have to say, it was quite nice just being able to sit in our bubble. Whereas my sister gave birth in in April so about four months after

me god I say April it might be May and she's gonna message me and be like you don't even know exactly insert whichever whichever month it was and um and she actually like found it hard because she felt so much pressure to welcome everyone in to meet him and I know that I found that difficult I I found it I found it excruciating because we were having guests who and it's wonderful but even lots of Raph's friends who I didn't know so well you know in the days after coming home into my it we were living in my tiny little space that I'd lived in for 20 years and it suddenly we had lots of people plus the baby plus Raph living there too and it I just always felt like I had to be presentable have you know and be welcoming and make you know and actually the second time around not having any

of that was easier obviously I wanted everyone to meet her and it's so lovely people coming to visit I hope anyone who hears this doesn't think that that was ungrateful for anyone's visit. Of course, I wasn't. But it is pressure. And I am going to keep that in mind when people have babies in the future close to me, that maybe give them a couple of weeks. I think I really think people need that time when they come home with a newborn. Yeah. And's talk about um births and I always feel bad talking about childbirth because I don't want to terrify anyone that's um you know you know there are so many people that have amazing births and that love births I you know my friend Lucy Meck Lydia Bright they both loved um their birth so when we when we talk about this and I

actually don't know your experiences um but when we talk about this please please anyone listening don't freak out if um if you know mine was like pretty traumatic but I would love to hear about um about your birth stories well interestingly I was going to say exactly what you've just said so I reiterate that because I've had to say exactly what you've just said. So I reiterate that because I've had friends, including my sister, who've powered through no epidural, loved it. My friend India, before I gave birth to Noah, my first daughter, compared it to Barry's bootcamp. She was like, you'll be absolutely fine. It's just like Barry's and I can do Barry's easily. So I was like, perfect. This is great. Did all the hypnobirthing courses, read the books.

Raph and I listened constantly to the hypnobirthing courses, read the books. Raph and I listened constantly to the hypnobirthing tracks every night. I was so excited, so excited. I only wanted to give birth in the birth center at the hospital I was at. It was going to be natural. It was going to be amazing. Went into labor an hour after I went to sleep and my waters broke and it all happened very, very quickly in terms of the pain coming on I started vomiting we were in the hospital because my waters had broken they sent us home and that for me Raph went back to bed bless him he needs a lot more sleep than me obviously I couldn't sleep and I was in I was in my tiny little en suite shower room off the bedroom and I have never in my life felt pain like it. I was suddenly petrified.

Everybody is different, by the way. Some people don't get this stage. So please don't let me put you off. This is my body. I was clinging onto the towel rail, absolutely paralysed in pain. He tried to get up and run me a bath. It wasn't happening. We went to the hospital, vomiting. I couldn't cope. We're in the birthing area and they begin to run the bath. And I said, please get me an epidural, please. And he, from the hypnobirthing, tried to reassure me to breathe. And I was like, get me an effing epidural now. So we went upstairs. I was screaming. I was miserable. I was vile. We went upstairs. I was screaming. I was miserable. I was vile. I have never, ever been in that sort of pain. And I was doing, they were going, your breathing's perfect. So I was trying to do it. Anyway, but it was not for me. They got me an epidural. And the lady came back in to check on me after she'd given it to me. And she was like, oh, you're a different person. And I lay there and I was chatting to the midwives. We were having a laugh. We were talking about Netflix. It really slowed down the labor, I've got to say. I mean,

to the point they then had to induce to the highest level, but I couldn't feel anything. So I gave birth and it was wonderful, absolutely wonderful. And I did a huge amount of damage to my pelvic floor, but we were kept in hospital because I lost a lot of blood for four days. So fine, but I had an amazing birth. I could not have sung my praises higher of the hospital. Second time round, all I wanted was an epidural. First time round, I'd written this whole birth plan, you know, detailing that I didn't care if it was a male or female midwife, no epidural, no pethidine, et ceteraine etc second time all I wrote in my wishes was I would like an epidural Rosie unlike Noah was overdue 10 days and I've been having pains all

day and I knew I was going into labor I had a midwife appointment that afternoon because obviously I was getting towards the 14 days so I waited for my midwife appointment we went in and they checked me they said you're two and a half centimeters get to the hospital and get an early epidural I was like this is fantastic so off we went to the hospital it wasn't progressing quickly because I mean it came on very slowly with Rosie got to the hospital I was delighted went into the room I felt really positive the midwife came in and she said we're gonna have to send your bloods off before we can give you an epidural. No idea why. They certainly didn't the first time. And seeing as it was the only wish on my birth plan, why was it not done in the days running up to me in birth?

Because I didn't give birth early. I was 10 days overdue. The delays happened. There were apparently two anaesthetists available. By the time I was, the pain began getting worse. I thought, I know I can't cope because of the first time. And let's put it this way, hours and hours and hours and hours passed and no epidural ever arrived. And what upset me so much was I felt so vulnerable. I've been so excited because I thought it's going to be a lovely experience again.

And no epidural arrived. And when I say I, if I could have shut off forever at that moment, I would have because I've never ever felt so, I was desperate, desperate. And I kept believing that somebody was going to come around the corner and they never ever did. And a lady came in and she said to me, she didn't introduce herself. She said, you need to face this baby is coming and you're not going to have an epidural. We need to get on with it. And I was holding back. So I wasn't beginning to, when I felt the baby beginning to emerge, all I was doing was holding back. I just, I wasn't going with the flow. And I know you're not meant to rigidly stick to your

birth plan. You're meant to go with whatever happens, but I was petrified. I was absolutely traumatized and I hit the emergency button in the room, even though the midwives were already in there. And I felt that everybody was getting very annoyed at me. I felt that I really felt like everybody kept coming in and sort of trying to sort of tell me there's no anaesthetist available. And I was so angry by this point. And what makes it worse, if I'm totally honest, is I actually even felt angry with the baby, which I know is irrational, but I was out of my mind at this point. And I felt humiliated. It's such a strange thing. I felt

humiliation because I hadn't wanted to be in this state. I hadn't wanted to be shouting and not pleasant to people. And, you know, I felt it was a really strange feeling. I felt so vulnerable and there was nothing Raf could do. And I was, anyway, the baby arrived and the pain went, which I'm so grateful for. And she's healthy and she's wonderful. But I felt very angry. And again, like we were covering when we're talking in our first bit about being grateful, I'm so grateful she's healthy and she's happy and she's a wonderful baby. But I do believe that level of pain that somebody may experience, somebody else may not. If somebody is in that level of pain in this day and age, may not if somebody is in that level of pain in this day and age not to be offered pain relief is unacceptable to me but for anyone I'm not just talking about myself some other people don't want

pain relief that's wonderful if you want pain relief I really believe it has to be available and and that may mean more staff did you follow up with the with the hospital because I think you can get a kind of analysis of your birth and try and understand what happened, can't you? Did you do that? Do you know something? I'm really ashamed to say that I put it off and put it off. I had a call with their team that reassures you afterwards and they couldn't call me the pandemic, they were short-staffed and they said they were going to rearrange and they never did and you know I still remember every detail of it and Raf keeps urging me to still write you know just to put on record that the government goals for how long after an

epidural is requested one should arrive given that you're not in full labour and you can't have one anymore was definitely not met I was there for hours. And I feel like I probably should still write to them. I would say you definitely have to because if not for you, then for the other mums and parents that will be going through it because I have actually quite a similar experience. I have actually quite a similar experience. Welcome to Paranormal Activity with me, Yvette Fielding, a brand new podcast bringing together people's real ghost,

extraterrestrial and paranormal stories, as well as getting some inside details from those who study the supernatural. I'll be listening through your paranormal stories every week and try to understand them as well as chatting about my own encounters with an occasional paranormal investigator too. You can find us wherever you get your podcasts from including Apple Podcasts, Spotify and Acast. Just search for Paranormal Activity with Yvette Fielding. ALF was delivered after 18 hours of a very painful labor because of my pelvic girdle pain. And I wasn't offered pain relief either, despite begging for it. And when I say to people, he was 9.5 pounds, oh, did you have an epidural?

And I say, no, I'm almost like applauded for it. Like, oh my God, wow, you're a trooper, you're a warrior, wow. And I'm like, no, there is no, we should not celebrate one birth more than another because whether it's a C-section, whether it's an epidural, whether it's, you know, there are no points. Giving birth is an amazing thing. And I didn't feel brave. And I didn't, I actually don't, I actually kind of, I feel a bit like a fraud when people applaud me for it. Because when I say I begged, I, and and you know you're saying I feel awful but I resented her I was at at certain points I thought well for a long time I thought I was going to die and I was saying

cut it out cut it out and and that's an awful thing to say but I was at that point where I was like this is not right and I remember thinking any, any other kind of operation of this, of this like, magnitude, you'd be under general anesthetic. And like you, I was so excited for birth, I was doing my hypnobirthing. And I also feel a little bit kind of guilty that I didn't have this amazing experience because I did hypnobirthing. Because, you know, you hear people being like, I did hypnobirthing and it was also spiritually amazing. And I had my little lanterns. And for me, I was like, I'm going to die.

I do not care about breath work right now. Like there is no affirmation in the world that will stop me from wanting to get this baby out now. And when my contraction started, the last picture I have on my phone, or it's actually a video, is me bouncing on my birth ball, smiling, sending it to my friend Sammy in America, who'd also just had a baby. And I was like, oh, my God, I think it's happening. I'm starting to feel something. And it was a bit uncomfortable, but I was like, oh my God, I think it's happening. Like I'm starting to feel something and it was a bit uncomfortable, but I was like, I have got this. It was about 7.30 PM on a Friday night

and Tom and I decided to go to bed straight away because we were like, let's try and sleep. We're going to need our sleep. So we got into bed and I was kind of sleeping through the pain and then around midnight, it started to get a little bit more painful. And so I rang my midwife, Ellie, and I was like, Ellie, I think it's happening.

I've had contractions now since about seven. I've been timing them. I was still really positive. I was like, at what point should I come in? Because bear in mind, at this point, there was still a newly formed lockdown because it was in January 2020, 2021? I don't even know, 2021. So we'd just gone back into lockdown

and there was a lot of anxiety about that because the hospital had messaged saying, the COVID rules are now back in place. Please check this link to find out what the rules are. And the link was broken. And I was like, I am not giving birth without Tommy there. I do not care if I have to give birth outside I'm not going through this and I do think it's absolutely sacrilegious that you could have

six people at a pub but not have a birth partner in a hospital I so I felt really strongly about that but anyway she was like when they get to when it gets this time and come in so 4 p.m 4 a.m came we set off messaged her saying run away in and it was in the taxi things start to take a bit of a turn it went from being like okay this is uncomfortable but it comes and goes and bear in mind I'd like packed my iPad I was like planning on watching Netflix and we had these series and I just started to get like to be in constant pain so not the contractions the contractions were really hard but it was like my pelvic it was like I've never experienced a constant pain like that it felt like I was being ripped from the inside out and apparently it was because my pelvic girdle pain was so bad I could barely walk towards the end of my pregnancy.

That whole area was so swollen. And so then obviously as Alf was kind of starting to move, it was grinding on an already very inflamed pelvis. And actually a lot of people who suffer from pelvic girdle pain are told to have C-sections. told to have c-sections um so I already felt a little bit disappointed in a way that I felt like my pelvic girdle pain was overlooked and maybe that's partly to do with me trying to be like oh no it's fine whatever like I'm happy and I think that's something that I wish I'd actually you know that there are no medals for bravery like I wish I'd been like, you know what, I actually can't walk. And I was having to get Tom to like, pretty much like walk me to the loo and sit me down and get me off the loo. Like, I should have, I think, been much more vocal about

how much pain my pelvic girdle pain had me in towards the end. But anyway, we got to the hospital. And the rule at that time was in our hospital that you had to be a certain amount dilated, I think maybe six centimeters or two centimeters, I'm not sure now, before your birth partner was allowed in with you. So they were trying to do this cervix check and I could not allow, like, it was so painful. It felt, it was horrific. And I was like, oh my God, stop, stop, stop, stop. And I couldn't do it so the one saving grace of that is that they let Tom come into the birth room straight away because they were like we can tell that you know the contractions are obviously quite far along

it won't be long let's get you both in there so that was around I'd say 5am bear in mind I had no concept of time at the time but this is in hindsight retrospectively I know the timings um so about 7 a.m of this continuous pain going between the birthing pool and the bed um begging for pain relief begging for a c-section begging for an epidural begging for anything and I didn't really have a birth plan, by the way, because I was very open-minded to the fact I'd never done it before. I'd never experienced it before. And I would kind of see how things went. At about 7am, the midwives were like, Ashley, we're going to go home and have a nap and we'll be back before you give birth.

And I remember- That's's hilarious you are joking I remember thinking but I live next to the hospital like you've I was like oh my god you've got time to go back to your house you're thinking oh no it's gonna be this much and then get back in I was like how how long am I going to be like this and that was almost then like mentally I was like I am done and that at that point and it's awful I was like get it out of me I don't like this is I cannot do this not obviously I had a new midwife and I was just like oh my god this this is not what I wanted like it's awful and it was actually I gave birth at 1 p.m so from 7 that is terrifying that you that you were kind of given that indication by them I mean bless them they obviously wanted to come back and support you which is amazing and I love my midwife team I I actually I like I had the same midwives it's

this thing called continuity of care so I had the same midwife wonderful um it's an NHS scheme so if anyone is uh recently pregnant you can actually try and see if there's a continuity of care scheme like in your area but um I it was it was awful and then when it got to the actual pushing part I I think they they did measure me and they said that you're eight centimeters this was about midday ish and I remember thinking right fuck this I'm pushing eight centimeters is close enough like this has got to end and I remember pushing and my water's just like breaking Tom was like I will never forget the sound of your water's breaking and I just started to push because I was like I just need this to end now like this is too it's too much and then that bit actually started to happen really quickly and there was like a really horrible bit I remember like lying on my back which I guess

you're not really meant to do but oh by this point I should say that I was given pethidine but pethidine only lasts from like one to three hours and that time had passed and I was like I need it can make you feel very sick as well passed and I was like I need it can make you feel very sick as well yeah and I was sick but actually it gave me a break from the pelvic pain so I didn't mind and I was like I just I just need to get this baby out and then they offered an epidural and I remember thinking like I'm already pushing like why why wasn't this given to me 16 hours ago like I have been in agony and I was like no I'm getting this baby out and then they were they started to get worried about his heart rate so I remember I just turned onto my back like on all fours and I pushed and pushed

and I I was like I cannot have I I was like god I dread that I just what I need to see my baby I need to know my baby's healthy. Like I, like, and I remember pushing even between the contractions and that probably why I also have so many pelvic floor issues now, but I was like, I need him out. So I pushed him out in 26 minutes. Um, and you know, thank God he was healthy and lovely. But I am still so confused. And like you, I've put it off as well, which is why I asked if you ever spoke to the hospital after. I am so confused why I wasn't, A, given an option of a C-section because my pelvic girdle pain was bad. But B, why wasn't I given an epidural when I was begging for it?

Why did it take six hours to get pethidine? It feels almost barbaric to make someone go through that level of pain when there is pain relief available. Do you know what I honestly believe, my honest, honest opinion on what happened with my epidural? It was an incredibly busy night on the labour ward, incredibly busy. and I think they thought she's had a baby before this will be quick we'll get her in and out and my epidural the first time maybe delayed us by eight nine hours genuinely and I honestly think if they think this is progressing we can you know we can get this I do think they try not to give epidurals

and that might that that is that's a big statement. But for me, none of it made sense. There were two anaesthetists available when I could have had an epidural that I was sent for and wanted. And one never, ever came. And I do feel like that was a strategic move. I really genuinely do. Whereas the first time round, it was a fairly quiet night.

And they had they had time and I was in a lot of pain and I requested it and sending off the bloods made no sense that never happened the first time I've never had one issue on any of my blood tests it left me so angry and listen I know that that that that the staff there are doing amazing jobs I really do I don't want to you know I I don't want to sort of say how hard done by I am when I've got two very very healthy and amazing children but I just feel that that that that they have to listen to what's being requested from somebody in an inordinate amount of pain I really do and I do think they delay I do think they give them later you know they sort of thought maybe she should

have one well I don't know how you feel but I would actually almost prefer honesty and like you I loved my midwife team and I'm so forever grateful to them I think midwives are some of the most amazing people in the world like how they go through such a intense very personal experience and support someone through that and then just do it all over again and like it's amazing so like you I this is it's in no way a criticism but I wonder I feel like I would have almost preferred honesty at that point and being like there is no any available or this is why as opposed to me feeling like I was just being ignored in like a very intense time of need. Funnily enough, like I said, people were coming in I hadn't seen before saying,

the anaesthetist is not coming, the baby's coming. So they did try with me. But by that point, I was hysterical because it was all, I hadn't bargained on no epidural. And that's why to anyone who is pregnant, I would would say be open-minded either way if you want to do the hypnobirthing or just regular birthing you know with no pain relief wonderful be open-minded to the epidural equally if you want the epidural be open-minded to the fact a you might not need it or b it genuinely might not be available so both times I had gone into it thinking something was going to happen and something else did. So I just think even for people who think I definitely don't want pain relief, just be open minded to the fact I've had one and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. An epidural can be amazing.

So just I think open mindedness, no matter what your situation or your wishes is great. I didn't do that and I wish I had because both times I was caught off guard you know what I think this is like such an amazing place to end as well because I feel like there's so much more I wanted to talk to you about but I feel like you know talking about the births and also do you know what when I say like wow you've got two how did you do that it it also gives me hope because I would I would love to have another sibling like I said I don't even know if it's possible if I'm able to. And if not, Alf is enough. Like I'm so happy with him.

But if I am ever able to get pregnant, I worry so much that I won't get to enjoy my pregnancy like I did my first one because we're not in a lockdown, hopefully. And because I'll have a toddler or whatever he'll be by then. And the thought of having to do birth again when I was so excited the first time and it I almost feel like I'm gonna have to have like counselling or therapy to kind of or or maybe this is actually the the sign that I do need to get in touch with the hospital and just kind of and me talk about it and find out what happened and I have to say um you you I think anyone you and anyone who is

considering a second it really really it my friend Kirsty who you know too always says to me I resent people who told me it's nothing going from one to two but and I hear her because of course it is of course it's a harder commitment but do you, I always keep my sister's wisdom in my mind. She's got three lovely boys. And she says when she goes on holiday now, she just lies back with a book and they play with each other. So there are definite benefits in terms of relaxation in the future with having a sibling, providing they're willing to play together. So I think it's definitely not something to be scared of it's also so funny to me that you're saying that you mentioned earlier

that Rosie probably doesn't get as much attention as Noah because I am the middle child and I am such I've got such middle child syndrome and I even said to Tommy the other day like oh my god so Alf is basically the equivalent of my brother and i really don't know if i could pay attention like give as much attention to the second one no wonder i've got so many issues i was the neglected second but absolutely i really another thing just one thing before before we end i will also say i also really worried that i couldn't love our second baby in the way I loved Noah. I really worried. And obviously then the birth happened. And I've got to say, it's so funny how you have enough love.

No matter how many children you have, you do. It's funny because being pregnant the second time, I don't mean I wasn't bothered about the baby. Of course I was. Of course I was. But until you know them and see them, you don't realise that, of course, you have that love to give again. Because that was my other fear. And I'm very happy to report,

I absolutely adore her. She's the sweetest baby. So yeah, so I feel very, very lucky. I just want to end on a note. I know I'm very lucky. Before I do let you go, we've had lots of questions through following my first episode. So we've got time for one quick question.

And this is from Jesse. So if you do want to get in touch and get involved, please email askmumsthewordpod at gmail.com. And Jesse basically says, do you have any favorite products that you used when you were pregnant? Ideally, I want to try and stop stretch marks as much as i can and i know that you're a big beauty um fan so i thought i would let you answer this one because you probably have lots of recommendations i do actually there was a product that i used from arc skincare called the body conditioning serum um and it's incredible it is completely natural and it is it's a body serum so if you think about

serums for your face it's like an upgraded body oil and I used it every single day while I was pregnant and listen stretch marks happen if you're going to get stretch marks they unfortunately may show but you can definitely nourish and moisturize your skin and when I found it most useful is funnily enough after the pregnancy too because you really you know your skin is going from really huge back to back to closer to what it was and that's a really nice time to be using it too so I would say use something consistently every day and that's a really really nice product from Arc Skincare. I would love to also say that I used this amazing product from a small brand called Bampton House. And it was just called, I think it was like tummy rub, and it's a thick balm.

And I think it's got like lavender and chamomile. So it smells a bit like a spa. And for me, that was, it was almost like self-care, you know, like rubbing my belly, and it smelled amazing. And I felt like it was almost like bonding with the baby and made a point to use it after because I was like this tummy still deserves love and respect even if it doesn't have a baby inside it and it was kind of part of that effort to keep body confidence and self-love even with a postnatal body um and I would also like just echo what Susie said as well that obviously stretch marks are so common even in people that don't have children and I like to think of my baby stretch marks as mother nature's tattoos to just be like I grew my baby out and

that is like kind of yeah mother nature's tattoos to reward my body for its absolutely it's funny I didn't get one stretch mark with Noah who was a far far bigger baby and I did the second time around isn't that funny I first time I was like oh that's funny because I got lots of stretch marks when I was a teenager so I just expected them and I didn't get any and I had a massive bump um and the second time I did so it's funny i think my skin sort of the second time sort of thought we're stretching again so so sometimes i've also heard that older skins are less likely to get stretch marks because there isn't as much um we've got no elasticity left in our skin funnily enough yes so so the older you are getting pregnant one of the benefits is

you are less likely to get stretch marks, but they do happen to most people. So it's just one of those things. You can only look after your skin the best you can. Listen, Susie, thank you so much. I'm sure this is going to be a massive hit with everyone listening. And thanks so much to you guys for listening to Ashley James' First Time Mum, the parenting podcast. Please, please hit the subscribe button or the follow button so you never miss an episode and just in a bit of exciting news i'm currently number one in the mum baby podcast charts how exciting is that so if you are listening then please leave us a review and a five star rating because it does really help other people to find us and talking spreading news

if you like it tell another person help me reach more people and i'll be back with another episode same time same place next week different guests though thank you so much susie thank you so much for having me