Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - Vicky Silverthorn

Episode Date: October 9, 2021

The amazing and inspirational Vicky Silverthorn chats to Ashley about her journey with adoption, juggling a business and being a single mum and asking your question on what to do when stuck in a rut.If you have a question you want to ask Ashley, get in touch at [e-mail]---A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

so guys this week i actually got a question in my dms which has actually shaped this entire episode and that question was did i have a baby quickly with tommy because of my age i was like oh my age but i'm so young but i think this is such a good and interesting topic because I do still feel like there's that sense of the big three-oh. When you hit the big three-oh, you feel like you're running out of time. And it is a bit crazy, isn't it? Because life expectancy is going up and up and up, but we still really feel that sort of pull around 30 that we're like we are running out of time and it's funny because I never really wanted children well I say never I did in my 20s but I definitely didn't towards the end of my 20s and when I turned 30 I was very much like

I'm not maternal I don't like children so I never really felt it in terms of like the biological tiktok clock that's the word it sounds like I'm doing bingo I know because that's numbers anyway um but I did feel that pull around a relationship at least at the beginning of my 30s because I was like oh God, I'm still on my own. I'm running out of time. Am I ever going to meet someone? And it took a long time for me to get over that sort of mindset. And then I kind of went the other way where I love being single so much that I was like, I don't want to be tied down. And I saw relationships as almost being negative until I met Tommy. And then it did happen so quickly. And I was thinking of

this concept of like, why do we feel like we're running out of time? And, you know, there's this statistic that one in three women between the ages 35 and 39 won't get pregnant even after a year of trying. And I looked into the source of this data. And can you believe that this statistic, which I feel like is in all of our heads, is French births between the year 2670 and 1830, when antibiotics, electricity and fertility treatment weren't even invented. And it's so interesting, because the more I looked into this, basically, a lot of companies profit from baby panic. There's fear-mongering headlines and that sells papers. And quite a reassuring statistic I saw from a Boston University study, it followed 2,820 women,

sorry, I'm going in with the hard facts, and found that 78% of 35 to 40 year olds got pregnant within a year compared with 84% of 20 to 30 year olds. So that's only a 6% drop. And, you know, I've actually had a few friends who gave birth in their 40s. And it says that in Britain, more than 2000 babies a year are born to mothers aged over 45. I just thought it was such an interesting topic because I feel like even the relationship choices we have and whether or not we plan to have children whether or not we're struggling to have children it's almost like on our mind from 26 you know I even get DMs from people in their 20s saying you know I'm 26 this year I feel like I'm running out of

time like what should I do and I just think it's such an interesting and liberating chat to have for this week's mum's the word podcast episode and I thought the perfect guest to have on would be a friend of mine she is in her 40s she is single and always has been single and she is a mom and she decided to take matters into her own hands because she did decide that she wanted to be a mother and she went down the adoption process and I think it's just such an interesting and fascinating and inspirational story so I wanted to get the amazing Vicky Silverthorne on my episode today. So with all of that in mind today's guest I just think is going to be the most amazing guest she's my friend she is the professional home organizer and declutterer she's

got an amazing company called you need a vicky she's an author of an amazon bestseller start with your sock drawer and she's most recently a mom so vicky thank you so much for coming on and chatting to me oh thank you so much for inviting me it really does mean the world to me as you know I feel like this is going to just be such a amazing it's funny because even though I'm your friend I'm excited to kind of go through this story and I feel like it's going to help so many people that are maybe considering adoption or even just to ease people's minds who feel like they are as much as I hate the phrase running out of time. Yeah, absolutely. And that's why I feel excited. It's really important word to get out there as we've discussed so many times before, you know, it's a different kind of way of becoming a

mum, let's say. Vic, when you were in your teens, early 20s, let's say, you know, when we all have that sort of imaginary timeline, and we feel like 30 is like so old. What was your kind of like, fantasy vision of you with? Like, did you? Did you think you wanted kids? If so, when did you think you wanted them? Did you ever think about adoption back then? It's so interesting, actually, because I had a sort of a bit of embarrassing flashback. I used to go through Argos catalogue and look at all the baby gear and circle it and say to my mum and dad, if I had a baby, this is what I'll get. So I feel like even from a young age, I wanted children really young. And I'm pretty sure I wanted more than one. Yeah, I'm

sure I wanted more than one. And I didn't ever think anything other than I would get married and I would have children. Not too fussed about the big wedding thing. I remember from a young age even, but the children 100% absolutely wanted them running around everywhere. See, it's so funny because I feel like I kind of went full circle a bit because I was in a seven-year relationship from 15 to 21. And I remember saying with like such confidence, we're going to get married like we'll do our year abroad at uni and then we'll probably if we're still together then we'll get engaged and then we'll live together for a year after uni and then we'll get married and then we'll probably like

have a baby by 26 and I don't even know where I plucked those yeah ages out but 26 felt so old and old at the time yeah that's the right time to have kids and obviously we didn't last and that kind of age came and went I remember also feeling really like depressed about turning 25 thinking like well this is it for me now like you know it's all downhill from here and it's so bizarre like looking back now as a 34 year old and then I think it was around the age of 30 that I stopped seeing the fact that I was single as a failure and I started to see it as wow I get to do anything I want I get to like travel I got to travel I got to take myself for dinner I got to go out with friends I got to like pretty much got to take myself for dinner. I got to go out with friends. I got to like pretty much do anything and not have to speak to anyone about it. And I almost became like anti-children

and I really, really never expected to, well, you know, even two years ago, Tom and I didn't know each other. It's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. To go the other way and be, cause you're, Yeah, to go the other way and be, because you're so maternal. You're so amazingly maternal. Now I see you with Alf. I just, it's amazing to think that, isn't it wasn't even on my agenda the thought of having children so now to be doing motherhood with you it's just funny how everything just goes so full circle but because I met Tom so quickly and also the decision making of having a children was totally taken out of my hands because Alpha is a very happy surprise I never really got that feeling of time is running out or I feel left behind and so I wonder you're obviously 40 now they say they say life begins at 40 in your 40s do you feel good do you know what I do do and do you know why I do is because I feel like I know myself and I would be honest enough to say I've worked on myself hard enough

that I really know myself and I'm so comfortable with who I am and the way I think now and the amazing friends that I choose to have around me. It's so much more comfortable living in my 40s than definitely in my 30s, I have to say. So when you were in your 30s, did you ever feel like, oh, I really want children, I'm running out of time, am I going to meet someone? Did you go through those motions or did you always feel like I want to be a single parent and I want to adopt? Do you know what I think I did in my 30s? I felt like it was so unachievable for me that I blocked it out as a thought because it would make me too sad.

It made me too sad, the thought of not being a mum ever. So I don't think I even, you know, when you block, you use that method. I don't think I even let it come into my mind because I hadn't met anyone. You know, and I still haven't, but I have a lot more hope than I did back then. Because back then, I think I just convinced myself, well, maybe that's my story. I'm, you know, I'm single. And that's the way it's meant to be for me for some reason. Which is a bit sad. But now I don't think like that anymore. Now I just think, oh, I can't make to meet someone because I feel like I know it will happen. I remember you saying to me at the beginning of your journey as well

that you said to me, I really believe that I'll meet the right person when I'm living the life I know I'm meant to live and that is to be a mother. God, that puts a lump in my throat actually, even hearing you say that. That was my exact words, throat, actually, even hearing you say that. That was my exact words. Yeah. Yeah, totally. Because, you know, I don't mean, listen, I've always been a complete person. And we have these conversations, don't we, about, you know, feeling complete. But she's changed my life. My daughter has changed my life for the better,

you know, and I can't not smile when I'm saying this because she's made, she has made me who I wanted to be, who I was almost sad to say waiting to be. But saying that it was all meant to happen. These timings were all meant to be. I wasn't meant to do it until I was this age and 40, you know, 40 when I got her. I have faith that it was all meant to be like this for some reason I love the fact with your story and and guys just for context so we're not allowed to talk about um her name which so we're going to call her tippy her nickname and um and we can't talk too much about the timeline but what I love about about your story is that you knew you wanted to be a mother like that you knew that was on the cards

but you still feel like I can do this on my own I don't need someone to complete me I don't need another half and even now it's like you you look forward to the day that you meet someone, but you also, you've just got on with your life. Yeah, totally. I knew I could do it by myself. And, you know, I don't know why. I feel like it's really important for me to say as well. Adoption is sometimes looked at as the last resort. And for me, it was never that. I mean, my dad said that he remembers me talking

about it in my 20s. And I was really taken aback when he said it. He said, yeah, you've always talked about it. And going through the process, I actually realized there was quite a lot of adoption stories very close in my immediate family that I'd never even thought about because it was just my norm. And yeah, I do think that's important to say because a lot of people, you know, they try IVF or they try having children in other ways. And it might be, you know, the next thing they're going to try. But for me, it wasn't. It was top of my list. And I looked into other things, but no, it was top of my list. I knew how I was but no it was it was top of my list I knew I knew how I was going to be a mum I'm so glad how old were you and and also let's talk about that initial process of what you had to do to even express interest it was I'd say a few so careful with

timings it's funny isn't it a years ago, it was a few years ago, and I went to an adoption meeting. And it was funny, when I emailed to get the details of the meeting, and I searched, up popped an email that I'd sent two years previously, and almost forgotten about. So that shows how long it had been on my mind as a serious thought. But I obviously wasn't quite ready back then. So I sent this email a few years ago, went to my first meeting. And honestly, it was very empty. It was an empty room, which I initially thought, God, this is sad. There's not enough people in here.

There were like 20 chairs and there were probably four of us filling them. And we listened to this talk and we looked around and I was the only single woman there. And there was a couple and someone whose partner wasn't there. And I came out an hour and a half later. I don't even know. It was almost like euphoria. I was buzzing with adrenaline and I hadn't told anyone I'd gone to the meeting. This was like my thing. Because you don't have that many things that are your thing, do you? But this was my thing. And I was just buzzing. And I got in my car and, you know, hands on the steering wheel, hands on head, like smiling, like, oh my God, this is how I'm gonna become a mum and I knew it 100% from that moment like that was it my journey was starting it started that night um and then you express interest which is a simple a4 form

and you fill it in saying I would like to express interest and you you know you send that off or you email that in I can't remember and that that's it. Kind of the process starts. You start getting appointments with social workers. And before you know it, you're in it. And you're in it for the long haul. You are definitely in it for the long haul. Did you find that there was any kind of pushback on the fact that you were a single parent or did you find you were questioned

for like why you wanted to do it on your own um there were definitely questions throughout the process that came up in relation to financially can I support you know myself and a child and you know do I have the space um do I have the support around me from friends and family but that initial bit it's really strange you know I strange. I almost forgot about the fact that I was single and that might be an issue. Because I almost felt like surely that must be the dark ages where they worried about things like that. Look how much women can achieve by themselves. Come on.

What year are we in here? And that definitely seemed to be the case, I have to say. And the questions were very much ones that you think they have to ask. Like I say, they have to ask finances, but they do that to a couple anyway. They have to ask if you've got support, but they do that to a couple anyway. So, it wasn't invasively asking about me being single. But, you know, it was definitely emphasised in my opinion. So it should, you know, it should be. Anyone who's about to take on a child that, you know,

take on a child needs those questions answering, I think. And then what was the process from when you decided, okay, yeah, this is the route I want to go down? So I think I actually thought and I think that the that the word um on the street is that it is incredibly hard and incredibly invasive um and incredibly long-winded and quite a lot of negatives around the process. But honestly, I have to say, from start to finish, other than a few bits that I found very emotional, I enjoyed the process. There's part of it where, you know, so I've signed up, I've expressed interest,

I'm assigned a social worker, you know, they check you're serious. You have the conversations. And from then it's sort of full on in. You're filling in forms. I mean, forms about detail in your family, your upbringing, your childhood. It is like therapy. And it really was. There were parts of it that were actually like therapy because you find yourself writing

things down. You have to be really honest. You find yourselves writing things down about your childhood, you know, that weren't necessarily, you know, the best and things that were great. And form after form, and you're proving yourself a lot. You're, like I say, bank statements, your friends get interviewed, or your family gets interviewed. But the way I kept seeing it was, well, if I've got nothing to worry about, nothing to hide, I'm going to do okay here. So I never worried that I was going to fail and they were going to say, no, you're not good enough.

Because I knew I was. There's one thing, I knew I was good enough to be a mom. And then the process gets more serious where you start training. And then you meet this great group of people in your training. And, you know, we've had conversations before, Ashley, about like, you know, do we join the mum set? Do we want to go to mum classes? Do we want to, you know, all these questions that go around your head when you're thinking of becoming a mum or you're becoming a mum. Do you want to enter into that sort of mum world? And for me, it was like, you know, I don't need to join an adoption group or, you know, I don't need that. I just need to join some normal groups where there aren't people who've got adopted children.

That's fine. But when I went into this training and I'm sitting in a circle with a room full of adopters, like I found my people, like I really did find some of my people and we're in touch to this point, like two days, two years later, we all message sort of every few days. And it's amazing. And that was one of the best things that came out of all of the training that we did for adoption. I suppose that's the thing, isn't it? Because I guess it's there's something very beautiful about meeting people who are going through what you're going through at that same time. Sorry if this is like a really like obvious or insensitive question, but do you find it awkward when you do go to mum groups or parent groups that if people ask about the birth story and do you, how do you react to that or how do they react to it? Yeah, there's two kind of questions I think I get asked quite frequently, whether I'm at a park with her or like you say,

a little group with her. Something about my partner will always come up. Then there's, if there are birth stories, I'm obviously kind of a bit quiet, but now I sort of know to sort of ask some questions and join in sometimes, you know, even though I don't have my story. I thought, how do I answer this? Do I be really honest and open and say, actually, I adopted my child because there's nothing to be ashamed of. There's no shame in my eyes. But the other side of it is it's for the future. It's her story.

And I think of her in the future. How much would she want me to tell? And I think what I've kind of come to is, no, I'm going to say it loud and proud. Actually, you know, I adopted her and I'm doing it by myself. So no, I don't have a partner and I definitely don't have a birthing story. And reactions are quite interesting, you know, because no one means to, you know, ever do a negative reaction, I'm sure. But some people pause and don't say anything and nod, almost like a shock. Like, I think because they literally don't know what to say, because they might not have ever come across anybody who's adopted. Maybe, maybe not. But it's like this awkward pause, like shell shocks and nodding.

And honestly, that's happened quite a lot. But other people are just like, oh, that's really lovely. I mean, can you imagine some people then go a bit too far and ask questions that are quite intrusive and that I would never answer. Like, oh, what happened to her parents? Was she mistreated? Was she abused? And people have actually asked that. And I think, wow, like... How do you respond to that? Do you just say, I can't tell you? Or do you say, fuck off? Well, it's so tempting to sometimes. I want to sort of go, are you joking? Are you actually asking me that? But what I do is I think, do you know what? That's their reaction. It's just come out. It's not their fault. It's just come out. So what I try and say is, do you know what? It's all kind of part of a

story and I feel like it's kind of our story. So I never really choose to talk about that side of things, you know, and I'll end in something positive and I'll always give them a smile because I never want them to feel awkward or stupid. And I like to think they'll go away and go, oh, what an idiot. Why did I ask that? I'll never ask that again. Do you know what? Even doing it on your own, like I have so much admiration for you.

But also like I'm just in awe that you're able to. I know that sounds mad, but I say it to you all the time. I really struggle and I've got Tommy and I feel really let's say this like for example when I've obviously got Tommy but we're not married but the assumption is people will say oh where's your husband or what does your husband do and sometimes I don't want to correct people and I don't know why because I don't know I just feel a bit like oh I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable or I feel mature saying oh he's actually my boyfriend and that's silly but it seems like I'm my boyfriend so sometimes I will just say like oh yeah my husband's away but do you ever

like feel the need to lie or or do you or like how do you how do you really I think I've definitely a few times just nodded and smiled like if someone's gone I don't know oh you do you really i think i've definitely a few times just nodded and smiled like if someone's gone i don't know oh you're you know partners or you know men and i'm just like yeah like i can't be bothered to open the can of worms right now i'm just gonna go with it um and that's that's probably as much as i've i've sort of agreed with people when you know when you're just too tired and you can't be bothered um but other than that when I've got my energy I'll I'll sort of correct because you know we do assume we do assume that you know a couple have a child and that's the way it is and yeah good good on you for with me you've always been so supportive of the fact that I'm by myself and you've always recognized it. And I've been so grateful for that since day one, because do you know what? Sometimes

when you're feeling like you're not on top of things and you're exhausted, that word that we frequently use, you're exhausted. Sometimes it's just what you want to hear. God, that might be like recognition. Wow. God, that must be really hard not to just be able to, you know, turn around, hand your child your partner and say, I just need a cup of tea outside for five minutes. Because it is, it is hard. And I definitely underestimated that side of it. I wouldn't change a thing, as you know. Hiya, we're here to tell you about the Loose Lips podcast. We being me, Georgie Porter. And me, Sharon Carpenter.

We're all about honesty and not holding back, especially when it comes to what's in the news. Plus, we answer your questions and we give you advice whenever it's asked for. Even when it comes to what's in the news plus we answer your questions and we give you advice whenever it's asked for even when it's not asked for we're all about what you're really thinking and what you really want to know you can expect to hear some of this i have to say come on people we're getting a little too sensitive here and also some of this she is plugging her entire career in that one moment. That's the Loose Lips podcast out every Tuesday and not forgetting Extra Lippy on Fridays.

Find it wherever you found this podcast. We'll see you there. Like what would be your advice? Because there might even be people listening who are thinking of breaking up with a partner, but they're scared to do it alone. What have you learned about being a single parent? And what's your advice to people who are going through it or maybe thinking about going through it? I would say the answer is 100% yes. The bond we have, me and Tippi, is unbelievable. The time we spend together is absolute magic. And I wouldn't

have it any other way. And there are massive ups. And there are massive downs, like with anyone who's a mum. And getting your support network, I would say, was emphasised to me during the adoption process massively. And again, I underestimated it. But that is like the most important thing ever. Having anyone, a friend, anyone, childcare, who you can just get a little bit of you time in, if you've got that sorted, in, if you've got that sorted, you can do this 100%. How have you managed to juggle it all? Have you had to be really strict with routine? Like what has what's been the journey with you? So to start with, initially, I didn't work at all. And that's something that's always recommended when you adopt, you know, they like you to throw yourself in there, throw yourself into the bonding and be present. And that's certainly what I did. And if it was an evening and she was asleep, and I was lucky enough that she was asleep at the beginning, that was when I could

jump on a few calls here and there and make sure the business was alive. But I have to give total credit to my PA, Laura, who has ran the business single-handedly basically until I came back on board. And when I did come back on board, I had the help of an amazing, I had amazing childcare. And my routine, my weekly routine now looks like Monday, I spend it with Tippi. Tuesday all day I work, but I work from home and she's around and I insist on still giving her lunch, still putting her down for her lunchtime nap. And our day ends at sort of 3.30, 4 o'clock. Wednesday, I'm back with her again. And then on a Thursday, it's a sort of just over half a day where I work again in the office, which again is my home.

Same again. I'll make sure I'm there to give her lunch and put her down and get her up again. So I'm still present. And then a Friday, again, an adventure day where we just do something fun. By the way, I have to say this business is amazing. Like genuinely, Vic basically, I don't want to say invented but she started a business where she sells um sanitizer that is completely alcohol free and so friendly you can put it on baby skin their clothes you can put it on um planes windows anything that babies touch and it kills COVID

as well thank you and you know it was in the first lockdown, I thought of the idea about, you know, sanitizer that could go on everything. And then Kay Ali, who is a nutritional therapist, was like, I know the exact formula. I know the ingredient. I know the manufacturer. And then it started. And I did think in my head, oh, I know I'm adopting soon, but I couldn't help myself. And I think when you've got that entrepreneurial side to you, you quash so many ideas that you think, no, I can't do another one. But when one comes up and you think, hold on a minute, I can't let this one go. Alcohol belongs in wine glasses. And every time I look at her and every time I've got this sanitiser in my hand, I think, this is for your future. This is to make your future

better. And how can I not continue doing that work? And I feel eternally grateful to have those solid three, three and a half days with her every week. I mean, honestly, I feel like it's a dream. I love it. See, I know Tippi and I know your bond with her and I bond with her like she is just amazing little girl but I know and it's so cute because she always calls Alf baby Alf and she always asks about him and it it is just amazing and it's weird because I I almost I second-guessed myself to ask you this question but actually I ask it about people with, you know, at childbirth, I say, did you bond with the baby straight away? And I think that is a fair question. And I think one that people worry about when they adopt, like, did you feel the bond straight away?

And how did you, how did she find you? Yeah. So, so I think this is a really good part of the journey, actually. This is like the magical part of it. You know, obviously, it was lockdown. And what happens when you've been approved as an adopter, and you've gone through all these things, and you get this final sort of adoption certificate saying, yeah, you can now adopt a child. It's unbelievable feeling. You know, again, euphoria, like, oh, my God, I'm going to be a mum. I suppose it's a similar feeling to when, I can't compare it, but you know, when you know that you're pregnant, I don't know the feeling, but it's like, oh my God, I'm going to be a mum. I'm definitely now going to be a mum. It's not the same at all, by the way, but you know what I mean. No, I think it is because I remember when I was pregnant, we were both having conversations of, I knew Alf was going to be a boy and you knew you were having a little girl, then we were both like, I wonder what they'll be like. And it is really similar. And I remember us even saying at the time, like, isn't it funny? Because we've both chosen very different routes. Well, not even chosen, but we are going down different

routes. But we're both excited to meet our little person. And you can't measure excitement, can you? excited to meet our little person and you can't measure excitement can you and you and and in we were both just hugely excited I actually still remember crying when do you remember when you told me that you were getting tippy and I I've burst into tears and I was just so elated oh it's mad feeling yeah it's just amazing but But so, sorry, I keep interrupting, but did you feel that instant connection? Yeah, so basically, so once you're approved, there's a potential quite a long matching process, it's called.

There's a couple of ways of doing it. So what happens is your social workers are searching and searching for your child, you know, and you've had a long discussion about sort of, it sounds awful, but what you're looking for. But, you know, and you've had a long discussion about sort of, it sounds awful, but what you're looking for. But you know, this is your life. And you have to be very realistic with that what you can, you know, who you can take on and the problems that they may or may not have. So we had our realistic conversations, you know, as a single mom, and then they're on the lookout. And then what also happens sort of simultaneously is there is a website.

And it's not necessarily the happiest of websites. It's all the children that are looking for new mums or dads, dads and dads, mums and mums, you know, looking for new parents. So I was sort of doing a bit of both with this, just sort of waiting for the day. And you also don't know if when you see the first image of your future child, potential future child, the feeling you're going to get, like, am I going to look at this picture immediately and read this little bit of blurb and go, oh my God, this is my child, because that's the stories I'd heard. But I know me, and I didn't think I'd feel that. And funnily enough, I didn't. I had my self-protection mode up. I saw this beautiful picture of a little girl. I saw some writing about how happy and cheerful she was and her favorite little things to watch on TV.

But I didn't know. And she could have been ripped away at any point. So there is this self-protection mode up. And by this point, you've sort of shown interest in a couple of children and it hasn't worked. So you know to sort of protect your heart. And believe me, mine was like wrapped in steel at this point. And then I had a conversation with my social worker about Tippi. And she phoned up and she said look I really think that you should meet her but but this is lockdown so meeting her would usually be in person this meet was she was with her foster carer and it was zoom call I mean how bizarre is that you're about to meet your future child on zoom so up she pops on zoom the foster carer to start with. I wasn't actually meant to meet her

at this point, but she made some moaning sounds and up she pops. And I said, hiya, Bubba. Naturally slurred, hiya, Bubba. And she went, hiya. And I literally melted. And that was my moment. That was my like, oh my God, this is her. This is, oh my, oh my God, that's my daughter. Oh my God, that's my daughter. And that was my overwhelming moment. I needed to see her little human face. I needed to see her expression, not just hear about her

and look at a piece of paper and a photograph. And then that was it. I said, yes, let's go ahead. They said, yes, we like her. let's go ahead. They said, yes, we like her. Let's go ahead. I was picked of one of three. It's hard. Picked of one of three sets of people. And then I had Zoom calls with her like most days. It was so weird, Zoom calls. And we got to know each other. She'd laugh at me and I'd do silly things. And, you know, she was under one at this point. Weeks later, what happens is you get about a week put in the diary where you start going to the foster carer's house every single day. You go there, you wake them up,

you go there, you know, one morning, you give them lunch the next day. It can start off with a couple of hours and then it sort of gets longer as the week progresses. You know, so by sort of day three and four, I was putting her to sleep, which went very badly. It was definitely a sign of things to come. And then on day, I think it was seven, she's in the back of my car. I've got a boot full of everything she owns. And I'm driving her home 10 o'clock one morning for the first time last time, you know, like, and that was it. She'd visited my house once before to get familiar with it. And that was it. We came home and that was how I brought my baby home. You know, isn't it, isn't it mad to think how different it can be but also

the similarities I honestly feel teary like hearing you say it all because I mean you are Tippi's mum and it it's just amazing that you've done this you you have taken motherhood and you were like this is what I want to do and I'm'm just going to do it. And I think it's so nice because a lot of people talk about, you know, I had a conversation with a friend the other day, who's 33 now. And she was like, Oh, you know, I do really want kids. So I guess I need to like lower my standards and I maybe have to settle. And I was like, Oh my God, why would you settle? Like we are still not even halfway, hopefully through our our lives like the average age is 84 to get to you know for for women in the uk our average life expectancy and you're talking about lowering

your standards and settling but also parenthood is probably like the most challenging thing you can do like so to choose choose your partner wisely and you know people i feel like in society we talk a lot about like fearing not having children or regretting not having children but personally I was frightened of having them with the wrong person and honestly I don't think you even realize how much of an inspiration you are like you've you've adopted the most amazing little girl you're an entrepreneur you I mean you you made a business not only in lockdown but also as a new mum and you're doing it on your own and you know single parents I honestly just

I just can't give you enough praise it's such an amazing you're making me smile hearing this it's lovely it's it's so lovely to hear you say all those things. And you don't often have conversations like this where you, yeah, I don't think I've talked about it like this in all this time. And it's wonderful too. It feels great too, to sort of relive it all because it was all of it. It's a positive, positive experience. And I have to home in on what you said about settling because I could have, I know, been married. I could have had three birth children maybe by now. But I didn't meet someone that I knew I could be with long term.

And like you said, my fear was having children with the wrong person. And the alternative to that was me having them by myself. And I'm glad I chose it because I haven't made any wrong choices along the way. This is where I'm meant to be at this time. Absolutely where I'm meant to be. And I can't wait to meet someone. I feel like I'm naturally made to be with someone, but it hasn't happened yet, but that's okay too. But also, do you know what, what an amazing, what an amazing thing that we're at a point in society where, whether it's like same-sex relationships or single parents or, you know, whatever the journey and the story is, we're at a place now where we can have sex

outside of marriage without community banishment we can have children without a husband and that is socially acceptable we can ensure a roof over our heads without needing the signature of a man you know it's only i think it only came in in the 70s that we could buy houses without a male signature we can have careers and earn almost as much as a man we're working on that and and yeah like you are you are like living proof that you can do it and you can thrive on your own and it's just so nice to hear your story in detail and hopefully giving um giving some food for thought for not only the adoption process but for people who are like maybe toying with the idea of of single parenthood i think it's just wonderful definitely

and and honestly anyone who's got that that little hovering thought in their head about adoption like you know you know i think i think about it but i don't know the process please book in go to a meeting that can do no harm it's a couple of hours of your night see how you feel. Did you just google UK adoption or what was the how did you find the meetings? Yeah it wasn't actually the easiest but it was literally I think I typed in something like local adoption meeting local events. And if you get in touch with your local council, your local borough, there's always someone who sort of sends you on a little trail. But something pops up. Adoption UK is a fantastic website to look on.

There are several different ways of doing it. I didn't go down the private route at all. I went with sort of local authority. That's how I did it. But everyone a different way you know I'm sure but but I can't you know praise my social workers and everyone enough in in the way it was all dealt with it was fantastic oh Vic I'm so happy that you came on to share your story but before i let you go basically every week i get questions through from my lovely listeners and um for anyone that does want to get in touch even if it's about topics that we talked about today um even if you want to share your story and your

journey uh get in touch by emailing askmumsthewordpod at gmail.com or you can leave it as a review on the apple podcasts so this week's question is actually from uh rav who gave a review on apple podcast by the way thank you to everyone for leaving reviews it helps so much and if you think that anyone will benefit from this episode especially then please spread the word share it but rav's's question for today and Vic you are the perfect person to answer it because you are just like a ray of positivity and sunshine and an entrepreneur so the question is do you have any advice for someone who's lost their drive or ambition and almost feel stuck in a rut how do you keep going when you feel like you are stuck in the daily treadmill of life yeah I've definitely been there.

And I know a lot of people who would relate to that. I would say start with the small things, 100%. I would say change of scenery, absolutely change of scenery, where you're working. I think it sounds so silly actually saying it, but change of scenery in your own home too. I'm not trying to plug my own business, but have a massive clear out, honestly, right?

Do you agree with me there, Ashley? Like it refreshes your mind. You have an amazing business and you are literally someone that comes in and organizes people's life. So yeah, honestly, sometimes the thing that can just kick off your productivity again, giving your home, I don't mean paint all the walls or anything like that, but having a clear out, getting your surroundings, how you would want to work, having more clear

headspace is having more physical space around you. And I don't mean a bigger room or anything like that. But I mean, having things in order so that you actually have space to think clearly. Getting organized is one of the best way to increase your productivity, increase your positivity, get your mindset in the right place again. And taking huge breaks in nature. And I know I sound like I'm being so extra mindful. But again, like, seeing how big the world is, again, puts everything into perspective. So for me, when I'm in that rut, I have to change things up a bit, I get myself more organized, I get everything from my mind down on paper. You know, there's an amazing company where

they do a book called a 3am book, where, you know, if you wake up in the night, you take what's in your head and you write it down. It's amazing. Do that. Make sure you've got all of these thoughts down on paper, anything that you're thinking, just to give your life that little bit of more of a refresh again. Because you can get it back as fast as it went you can get it back again that positivity and that sort of oomph for life um for sure i feel like mine mine is much more um writer to-do list because i find when i kind of lose my ambition or my drive or my happiness i end up feeling really overwhelmed and it's like you know how do you change your life? That's such a huge, huge thing, but like little to do list or even every Monday, I always think, how can I make this week happier than last? So I think of everything

that I struggled with last week, and that might be things in motherhood, you know, like, okay, I'm not making enough time to get my work done. can I change that I'm going to ring Tommy's mom and ask if she can come over another couple of days this week whatever it whatever it might be or with work it might be well I hate my job okay so how can I change it well this week I'm going to write a CV or you know and then just like little bit by little bit you can really like see the magic yeah and I think also you know if if you plan say on a Monday to do that um and it doesn't go according to plan and you you don't find yourself quite there yet saying that's all right that's all right because there's always tomorrow it's okay it's okay to have these these down days and ride through them because there's still tomorrow I've still got an opportunity

to get more productive to like you say tick more off my to-do list you know you've always got another chance well what a lovely way to end the podcast I feel like that's almost like a bit of coaching but I definitely do find that becoming a mom it is it is like trying to put new pieces into a puzzle isn't it oh yeah yeah definitely getting yeah you just about figure it out and then suddenly 100 new pieces into a puzzle isn't it oh yeah yeah definitely getting yeah you just about figure it out and then suddenly 100 new pieces land and you're like where am I going to put these absolutely yeah one one hundred percent and and I don't think any day will ever be the same with them and I don't think any year will ever be the same with them and when you get to the point where

you realize that you kind of start riding it a bit more don't you ride in the wave of motherhood and what a lovely way to end and also I have to end because my boobs are literally about to explode I don't know when the last time I fed Alcoz but I'm sat here like almost like trying to squeeze my boobs to release a little bit of pressure so um I really really hope that you enjoyed today's episode with Vicky. Thank you so much, especially giving up your precious time. And I can't wait to see you soon. If you enjoyed the episode, make sure you hit the subscribe or follow button. Again, like I said, if you think anyone will benefit from the topic that we discussed today,

then please share it. If you're listening on Apple Podcasts, leave us a review and a five-star rating. It helps us to find us. And I'll see you next week same time same place