My Therapist Ghosted Me - Banana Theory, The Portal & A Number On A Napkin

Episode Date: May 17, 2024

Joanne's summer is off to a hell of a start, for a number of reasons. Meanwhile, Vogue's learning a lot about the praying mantis.If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: global.com/legal/privacy-policy/For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com/For more information about Joanne's gigs, visit: www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Bo Williams and Joanne McNally. Sorry, I was just making small talk there. No one replied to me. That was like, I've never, it's never gone worse. Do you think you're in the back of a taxi? I've never had small talk go so badly for me. You just all stared at me. What the fuck? Do we not make small talk now?

Stick to the notes, Joanne. Got it. Wow, what a sunny weekend, London. I tried to go off script there. Very wrong. First bit of news. I think I've received a death threat in the post. Wow.

Now, you know that I've had to, there's been a bit of drama with my postal situation. Everything's going to yours now, thank God. Ah, listen, I need to talk to you about that. I'm going to send you a picture of what's the big thing? The tube. It's huge. And I hate it because I was like, oh, there's that painting I bought. And then it's like, no,

Joanne McNally. I did say to put it on FOA, Joanne McNally, I said. I don't want anything going down to that snake thing and it's hers. I've ordered, I ordered a print. It's arrived. I'm big into my art now these days, big into my art.

It's an original print. Anyway, so a delivery, bing, ding, dong, it's morning, delivery, delivery. So I just grabbed it on the way to come out here

to see the podcast. So I opened it. So it's a cat tea towel from China, which I know this is not a visual medium, but it's fucking creepy looking. It's all flat

and it looks like... I think it's an oven mitt, no? Oh. What's that? Is it an oven mitt? Can you put your hands inside the cat? No. You can't put your hands inside.

It says it's a cat tea towel. A cat tea towel. Okay. And I was like, okay. I said to Joe from China he was like, well I guess that. He's fucking sorry about it. And I don't know who has my address.

I asked all the usual suspects, did they send me a cat, Tita? Everyone said no. So now I don't know if I'm... Are you sure you... Is it sinister? Or was I just pissed and thought I was adopting a cat from China?

That's what I was going to say. Is that what you think? Yeah, maybe. Yeah, I think that was something that you purchased while drinking. I just think I'd remember adopting an animal. I just feel like that's something...

I'm not big into cats. It's not like I have a lot of cat paraphernalia in the house or anything. I would have had you down as a cat person. Oh no, I'm a dog person. I'm too needy for a cat. I wouldn't get what I want. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Anyway, so that's like I... Do you know what makes

me feel bad about that? Like, what are you going to do with that? You can't just throw it in the bin because that's bad. No one's going to take it. I'll donate it. To where? No one wants that. The cash shelter. The cash shelter. Why don't you give to Pete for his new house and say I bought you this for your new house. The great housewarming present.

Would it? Would it really? Yeah. It comes with a stalker I'd say. I've been kind of dropping hints that I wouldn't mind a bit of intense attention from one person. See I get that from Spenny all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's always there.

You know he's in the building. I know, I know he's in the building. So I came in early to do a little therapy session with the therapist, not this therapy. And I wouldn't have made it if I hadn't come in here and done it. And so he knows I'm doing the therapy session. And he's like, okay, I'll get you a coffee. And I was like, okay, I'll be down when I'm done.

Babe, your coffee's getting cold where are you the coffee's now cold and I'm like Jesus I told you I'm on a call yeah like I'm bitching

about you to a therapist that I've paid a lot of money to do so chill back off I was bitching about him it's because he knows you're bitching about him

so he's trying to wrap up the session before things really kick off it was so minor what I was bitching about I actually was bitching about, I got home from Dublin,

I was in Dublin for the weekend and I got home and I got this sage coffee machine about six months ago. Benny calls it sage. Of course he does. He's like, where's the sage? Where did you get the sage?

And I was like, it's not a sage, it's a sage. But like, is that the brand name or does it kind of spit out sage? No, that brand name so I got this coffee machine and then could have been like that's something you would purchase oh my god stop a sage thrower but anyway a sage thrower that's what she's gonna get you could get one of those there's a dog ball thrower that you could just put some sage in yeah you could just yeah but I think that spits out treats for the dog you know the doggy camera.

Yes. Feebo or something they're called. I can't remember. Anyway, so I got the coffee machine about six months ago. I am the only person who's bought coffee beans for the coffee machine

in the last six months where we have a house full of people who drink coffee. Yeah. I get home, woke up this morning. Okay. No coffee beans.

Okay. And I just thought, you know what? I am sick to the back teeth of this. I cannot wait to bitch to my therapist about him

because it feels too low level to bring up. That was it? Yeah. That he didn't replace the coffee beans? Joanne, it's not, have you missed

the story behind it? I want to know how much an hour you're spending on that. 80 pounds. What do you mean? It kind of sounds like you expect the kids to chip in.

You're like, no one else is contributing to the coffee well okay I wasn't going to call him out but Alexander my little brother enough with the coffee machine that's it I was very annoyed

this is like the straw that broke the camel's back that's exciting you've loads of trauma and like family trauma and then something small happens and it's like you drive the whole family

off a cliff pretty much yeah I've watched a lot of true crime yeah women can just crack so I smashed up the sauge good with a baseball bat Drive the whole family off a cliff. Pretty much. Yeah. I've watched a lot of true crime. Yeah. Women can just crack. So I smashed up the Sajay with a baseball bat.

Now no one's getting coffee. Nobody. Good for you. Yeah. I didn't really smash it up. It's one of my favourite things in the house. That's like smashing up the cooker tap. We're not wasteful.

I hope. The Quaker tap. Cooker. I went to dinner in a restaurant called Sketch at the weekend in London I love Sketch I'd never heard of it

it's really cool inside now I think you more go for the pictures and I was glad when I saw you took a picture in the place you didn't have to ask me twice

straight in 100% for the content I'm surprised you haven't bought one of those toilets for your house they're big egg pods yeah

it's very 90s it's very TGI Fridays it's very Marc Lamar it's very Bob Mortimer it's all yeah it's very 90s it's very TGI Fridays it's very Marc Lamar it's very Bob Mortimer it's all those kind of very 90s vibes

it's very Ruby Wax it's all those things but it does look cool but anyway at the end of the dinner it was just me and my friend Anna and the bill came

and then the maitre d' gave me a napkin with the phone number on it oh I know oh like that.

And I was like, excuse me? Stop. It's the first time I had my legs out this summer, so I was expecting a bit of a reaction.

Had you tanned? Of course I tanned. Oh my, well, it's down to that. Well, that's what I thought. So I was like, here we go. I'm back, baby.

I love, but I think that like, that's such an old school way of meaning somebody. And it's so complimentary. Isn't it? If Gollum came up and gave me his number, I'd be like, thank's such an old school way of meeting somebody. And it's so complimentary. Isn't it? If Gollum came up and gave me his number, I'd be like, thank you.

I know. If a ditch pig slipped you a number through his trotters, you'd be like, thank you. Well, I go for mingers anyway, as you can see. Of course. Yeah. But I was a bit confused because usually when a gentleman sends you his number,

there'd be like a little martini with it or a drink or something. So I asked the maitre d', I was like, who sent the number? He's like, oh no, no, no, that just comes,

so. Oh! Excuse me? So they just give the bill and the number of the restaurant on a napkin and you're just supposed to know that that's just how they give the bill.

Can you imagine, Jo? I'd put it in my purse. I genuinely thought someone had sent me their number. I was so embarrassed. Oh my God, she would have got

real excited and everything. Oh no. Imagine me trying to go home and sex with a restaurant. Have you ever heard of anything as dangerous as that?

She before winds in, she starts sending them nudes. Yeah. Hey, answer. They were like, have you got a booking, Miss McNally? Have you got a booking? yeah hey answer they were like have you got a booking Miss McNally have you got a booking I'm like yeah I've got a booking

have you got a booking can you believe that and then when I went into the there was like a cocktail bar at the back and I realised there was just loads of those napkins

with the same number on it so like that is so funny I think it is I think that shit should come with a warning that's unfair now they made you feel bad about yourself I was like oh my god That is just what they do. It's so funny. I think it is. I think that shit should come with a warning. That's unfair now.

They made you feel bad about yourself. I was like, oh my God, looking around, I was like, is it the tits? Is it the legs? What is it? What have I done right? I thought you looked nice in that picture. Thank you. Nice.

That's sad. Nice, is it? You needed a little perk up after the Daily Mail stuff last week, you know. Which I still haven't looked at, obviously. But you know the way, like, I would think ringing someone is quite, like, you know. Which I still haven't looked at, obviously. But you know the way, like, I would think ringing someone is quite, like, you know, old school.

Anyway, as you know, I'm back on the apps. I've been keeping Vogue abreast. Absolutely. I hate that word there, but I love the apps. Well, I use a different word. Is it your, is it like, does it bother you? Well, because I don't have breasts, so it keeps bringing it up. It's A breast. Breast size A. It basically is built for you.

I'm a D. I'm not going to keep... Still. Jo, I'm not fighting for it anymore. We don't get fact-checked a lot on this podcast, which is wild. But the one that we've gotten fact-checked the most on is people going, she's not a fucking D. And I'm like, dude, listen.

Listen, I'm a D. I identify as a D. Yes. Thank you. Rightly so. As is your listen. Listen, I'm a D. I identify as a D. Yes. Thank you. Rightly so. As is your right. That is my right. Yeah.

Thank you. Oh, yeah. So basically, I haven't been single for a while. And I didn't really... So did I tell you about the guy with the dog? No. So I was sitting outside the Prince Albert down the road from you. Sorry?

When? Well, you don't go to pubs. Well, I still like to know. It's the same as weddings. I like to know I've been invited. You don't come. I'm like, pho, come. Sorry, that's five minutes from my house.

I would have gone for a Coke. I think I'd actually come from your house. Okay, fine. I was tapping away at the laptop. I probably didn't want to go. You probably didn't. No. I was tapping away at the laptop.

Anyway, this guy, he stopped beside me with his dog. And of course, I love a dog. And I patted the dog and made a brief exchange. And then he said, can I have your number? I was like, what? You're on fire.

Well, not sketch, it's not fire. You got one number. Sketch was fake news. So he's like, can I have your number? And I, of course, was like, wow, okay. Obviously, I wasn't that pushed about the whole thing.

But I was like, yeah, sure, whatever. I just gave him the number out of politeness, even obviously I wasn't that pushed about the whole thing but I was like yeah sure whatever just gave him the number out of politeness even though I didn't really want him to call me the usual you gave him the number

because he was tall probably well he had a dog yeah okay fair enough and anyway forgot all about it da da da da da Friday afternoon living my life

and the phone rings and I've made a decision since I've turned 40 I answer all calls and I open all posts now so before I was kind of hiding and I wouldn't answer I wouldn't open posts or answer all calls and I open all posts now. So before I was kind of hiding and I wouldn't answer, I wouldn't open posts or answer.

Is that what happens when you turn 40, you have to start answering the phone to everyone? Oh no. Well, unidentified numbers. Like I can't hide from my responsibilities anymore.

Do you know what I mean? I have to answer calls and I have to open posts because it's usually bad news and I need to address it. I'm opening everyone's posts. I'm opening fucking all the flats' posts.

Are you the post robber? I'm like, Claire, Claire, and I need to address it. I'm opening everyone's post. I'm opening fucking all the flats' posts. Are you the post robber? I'm like, Claire, Klarna are onto you here. You're behind on your payments. You love Klarna. She keeps talking about Klarna. I love Klarna.

We have a Frank just preoccupied now, by the way. Ding, ding, ding. Anyway, so I answer the phone because I'm like, it could be the bank,

it could be blah, blah, blah. It's fucking, hey, it's whatever his name is, Craig. I was like, excuse me? Craig with the dog from the Prince Albert. Stop ringing you.

Ringing me without any warning. Oh my. On a Friday afternoon. I could have been at work if I had a job. I could have been busy. I was like, Craig.

Excuse me? Is that the vibe I gave you, Craig? That I'm a lazy bitch that can be called whenever you want? I was like, Craig. Excuse me? Is that the vibe I gave you, Craig? That I'm a lazy bitch that can be called whenever you want? I was like appalled. I was like, Craig, I said, I'm on a Zoom. I'm on a Zoom.

I'm on a work call and I hung up and I was like, oh God. That's weird. That's a red flag. Isn't it? Yeah, I think that's weird. Trying to talk to me.

Excuse me? Well, Spenny said that like he doesn't like voice notes at all and he won't listen to them he's just like just ring

ring the person and I'm just like no that's very unusual it's an attack it is I find it aggressive when someone rings you it's like

mum I told you text only unless it's in person my mum's one of those people I'll text her and mum incoming it's because they know they know you're online

yeah but I didn't consent to this do you're online. But I didn't consent to this. Do you know what I mean? I didn't consent to being forced to speak in real time to somebody. So anyway,

your mom with the dog, I was like, fucking Jesus, that's fucking wild. Way too full on. He's going to be asking you to marry him in two minutes. That's what I said.

Calling you, holding your hand on the first date. I was like, excuse me, this is way too much. Spenny said he'd hold someone's hand after a week.

I was like, what the, what? Spenno, if he was hold someone's hand after a week. I was like, what the, what? Spenno, if he was going out with someone new. Oh. Yeah,

he'd hold their hand after a week. Not a hope, not with my hands. No. I have to hide them. You just get lost in them. They can't find out

about them till months. That's honestly why I don't do it. I wear little mittens just like covering them. Okay, break their arm.

Are we live? Are we live? Are we live? Are we live from Leicester Square? We're coming live from Leicester Square. Anyway, then he texts. I said, I'll ring you later.

Obviously, no intention of it. Then he texts me. Like a lovely guy and everything. He's like, oh, what's the crack? And I was like, I hear. I said, look, I'm actually seeing someone. Sorry, I shouldn't have given you the number. And he's like, oh, no worries.

And then a few days later, he sent me a photo with a dog. And I said, no, you're getting fucking archived. So anyway, I was like, what was all this communication? Like, you know what I mean? I'm not equipped. So anyway, matched with another guy in Hinton. Do you know what the problem was? He was being nice to you.

No, he wasn't. He was trying to ring me. Yeah, I know. That's kind of nice. That's an act of violence. I didn't choose to be involved in it. Might as well be digging in a casket at her. You know what?

It was just too much because you're used to being ignored. And now he was ringing you. What kind? I think it's a bit full on to ring. It's a lotket at her. It was just too much because you're used to being ignored. And now he was ringing you. I think it's a bit full on to read. It's a lot to ring somebody. Take someone's number and then not even text ahead of time.

And I'd like to have a little think about what I'm going to say to them. I know that's 16 year old me but I'd still have little bullet points I'd be like, well I'll ask them,

I'll ask them, oh what have you got coming up now? Like fun things. Yeah, an itinerary, a bulletproof document. If I'm on the spot I'm going to ask them

things like that. Like what have you got coming up? No one wants to answer. Yeah. an itinerary. A bulletproof document. If I'm on the spot, I'm going to ask him things like that. Like, what have you got coming up? No one wants to answer. Yeah. What's in the pipeline for you? And we've seen that I don't really do small talk very well. So I'd need a pre-warning. So I matched this guy on Hinge at the weekend.

And he's like, can I get your number? I said, yeah. Next thing, the phone starts ringing again. And I hung up on him. And I said, tell me that's not you ringing me. Sorry, hang on. How did he get your number? He asked for your number?

He was like, can I get your number? Like, we matched. There was a bit of like three messages at tops. He goes, can I get your number? I said, yeah, sure. All I'm saying, that's a lovely sound that you make. Yeah. I was like, dude, you can't.

What are you doing? Joanne, you've been out of the dating game for quite some time. So I think maybe things have moved on and texting isn't a thing anymore. Sorry. Things have gone backwards. I said, dude, I will send you 15 voice notes

and arrange, like, I said, you can't be fucking, I just, no. It's like throwing a hand grenade at someone. You're not going to,

you can't just be ringing people. Do you know what the thing is though? Like, it's because people, like, I think dating now, from what I gather from loads of different things, like,

I know somebody who's like, right, I'm going to voice note them now just to see what their voice sounds like because if I don't like their voice, I'm not going out with them. And, I know somebody who's like, right, I'm going to voice note them now just to see what their voice sounds like because if I don't like their voice, I'm not going out with them. And I'm like, oh my God. Like, it's literally down to the, like,

the way you are about everything. You can't be judging someone on their voice. Like, imagine, imagine you're getting a voice note on me. Well, you have a lovely voice. Okay. You do. Well, look, sometimes I do think

it is nice to voice note. I wouldn't be, this guy is a cockney so I was like oh that's actually something nice I discovered oh yeah

that's right up my street yeah we love for that love for that but I know one of the girls was messaging this guy for a long time and they hadn't

he didn't really want to voice note and he was saying he was French but then when he eventually did voice note it was very clear he was not Parisian

so she was being surely that was a bonus sheian so she was being catfished surely that was a bonus she was being she was being tricked there is a lot of catfishing a lot but like really intense

stuff with people like it's happened do you remember that guy who wouldn't drive me to the train station back in the day yeah do you remember he

I don't know if you remember this he made me call him as basically an audition he's like do you mind can I give you a quick call and I was like I don't really do phone calls. And he's like,

it's kind of a deal breaker for me. So we spoke on the phone and he was like, fuck off. I know, well he turned out to be a bit of a scab anyway. Is that your man with the jaycloth? No. Really living my best life over here, am I? Standards galore.

Hello. I just have this idea you're just going to have the most fun it's the summer do you know what we're going to do we're going to go to Battersea Park I've said this for three years straight

I'm getting drunk in Battersea Park I never do it I say it every year you're coming too Jo we'll go sit beside that pear tree it's like a festival over there me and Jo have done that

a million times no you haven't I know you haven't which you've got to use the local amenities did you see that new thing on dating by the way a festival over there. Me and Jo have done that a million times. No you haven't and I know you haven't. Witch. Yeah you've got to use the local amenities. Did you see that new thing on dating by the way

called is it called banana-ing? I sent it to you. Let me see. The banana theory. Oh go on. Can I guess what it is? Yeah.

Okay so banana theory. You peel a banana. Is it an emotional is it kind of like is it the new gas lighting no no no where someone gives you okay someone gives you

what do they do they just have you for breakfast and not the rest of the day that's actually I think that sounds even more interesting than what it is that's more like

I'm a pop tart he invites me in the morning and then that's the end of it the banana theory will I tell you what it is go for it okay so it's to show people

that you're single and basically what you do is you turn your bananas up and position them prominently in your supermarket trolley to show other people that you're single be nice to meet somebody in the supermarket because you could look into their trolley and be like no i wouldn't i wouldn't go out with anyone who ate mackerel this is not a thing it is it's a banana theory listen it was on your bible tiktok it's a thing so you place your bananas facing up

I need to tell my mother this or she's going to get accosted she needs to know maybe she's already been oh my god imagine she was like I was assaulted in the supermarket

I said well what direction were your bananas in mum because it could have been your own fault all this dating shit I'm sorry

in court you know when they're usually holding up knickers they're like well can we see what direction your bananas are in you're sorry yeah she was asking for it

this whole thing on yourself bananas sticking out erect for the trolley erect something about the word erect disgusting I know so grim

gross I need to do that what well I oh go around with the bananas yeah and you'd want to do that. What? Oh, go around with the bananas? Yeah. And you'd want to do it somewhere now. If I could suggest, I would say Waitrose on the King's Road. What? Waitrose

on the King's Road. Why are you not pronouncing the T? Waitrose. Waitrose. Yeah, Waitrose. Because it's way more difficult to say it like that. Waitrose. Waitrose. Waitrose. Waitrose. Wait. Okay, say wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. What's happening? It doesn't matter. Okay, fine. Fine. Go to somewhere else. Go to Lidl and clap them. Piss off.

Well, now when the Deliveroo guy comes up to the door of my bananas, I'm going to be like, what's happening here? Sorry, Sarah. This banana's facing up. Come on in.

Did you read the story about your man who does dash door door dash in America and he was delivering to this guy what's dash door it's like delivery in America

and he was delivering to this guy and the guy messaged him before the delivery he goes just so you know I'm a nudist and I will be answering

the door naked did you see this and then he was like well then I will not be coming and then he rang up door dash and said like your man's naked or whatever and they were like well you I will not be coming and then he rang up DoorDash and said like your man's naked or whatever

and they were like well you still have to do it if you don't do it your rating will go down and he was like I shouldn't be forced to see no

I know yeah there's a nude cruise happening like a fully nude cruise are we collabing what's happening I was talking to Sven about this

but like Joe prepped up there for the first time. It's going to like solution and stuff like that. And I'm like, so what happens? Like, can they get off nude or do they have to stay in the boat nude? Packing, simple. But imagine going around and you're sitting like...

I'm sorry, but like, I don't want to sit in any of the dining chairs or anything like that. Just someone else's... That's your concern. I wouldn't. And that would be a serious concern for me. They must have to put down little plastic covers or something like they do on the

toilet seats in Japan well they don't do it on the toilet seats over here I just don't know if I'd be that comfortable being like would you not be you're on the open ocean

I just think it would be I don't know I just the seats were the were the problem for me now I just couldn't I couldn't sit in the seat you're a germaphobe

yeah well I mean I think I think for me that's fair enough there's a lot of reasons you don't want to sit in the seat you're a germaphobe yeah well I mean I think for me that's fair enough you don't get the hot there's a lot of reasons you don't want to sit in the same seat

as a naked arse yeah sitting down and feeling the heat of a previous buttock that's why that's why sometimes I don't love those heated toilet seats

because I'm like oh for a second it's like oh so it's not there what flesh has been here last I actually despise public toilets anyway

so I went back to Dublin this weekend. Go on. Oh, yes. Well, I was a mother of two for the weekend. I took away Theodore and Gigi. And they were amazing until we touched down in Dublin. And then all of a sudden, they were sitting in the back of the plane

because we got on early. And they just started killing each other from the second that we landed and I couldn't stop it and I was one of those moms that was just like stop stop stop

but I went home for Wellfest oh yes I saw you were well at the weekend I was very well at the weekend I was absolutely thrilled

so I went back and John and I were doing stuff for Flexi Fit actually maybe I'm going to keep the discount code live till Friday

fuck it let me see hang on hang on I'll go maybe I'm going to keep the discount code live till Friday. Fuck it. Let me see. Go on, you mad bitch. Hang on, hang on. Go on, I'll go crazy. Go on. I'll have to tell the team.

WellFest 30, 30% off our programs at the moment. But we went back and I can't really walk that well today because I was training on Saturday and Sunday. But usually I'm fine

after like doing the Flexi program and I realized I had to like, I couldn't cheat on stage. Yeah. So I cheat all the time. Yeah.

And then I'm like yeah I'm like oh god I'm so fit and then I was on stage and I'm just like oh this is fucking awful. Yeah when other people are watching you

you're like oh my god I have to do these things properly. Yeah. You're the face of Flexi Fit you're supposed to be Flexi Fit. I know I am Flexi Fit but like it was a tough two days I have to say

but it was such an amazing festival to have that many people training along with you and doing like planks and stuff. And TNG got on stage in the last day, right? They were dying to get up and I was like, yeah,

you can come up for the last five minutes. And Amber sent them up early and then I couldn't get them off. I was like, get off now. Go on, go on. Amber's got ice cream back there for you. They're like, no.

Two little show ponies. I did see videos of them on the stage. I thought it was very cute. Amber's got ice cream back there for you. They're like, no. Two little show ponies. I did see videos of them on the stage. I thought it was very cute. Amber's got ice cream. Fuck off. The Daily Mail would be like, oh, Vogue puts her kids to work or something. Vogue, yeah, fat shames her children,

has them exercising, something like that. I was surprised you didn't get rinsed for that. But see, because I was trying to bribe them the whole weekend, I was like, okay, if you're good, you can choose a present each. One present each one present each so Theodore is obsessed with a praying mantis now

you know those insects like where did that come from oh my I don't know like he loves animals and animal programs and all that kind of stuff

and and so he's been going on on and on and on I've heard praying mantis honestly I'd say just

just shy of a thousand times this weekend so anyway he finally chooses it and i actually thought i was going to lose my mind listening about praying mantis but when i went to buy a praying mantis toy they sell them for 12.99 an actual insect 12.99 on amazon praying mantis it's next day delivery and you know the way it does those add-ons. So it's got an add-on. So for like £24.99 you can get a Praying Mantis, you can get the maggots

to feed it and you can get live crickets. Hold on a second. I'm Googling. Is that not insane? Praying Mantis. They're small. They're an insect.

It's not like a stick insect-y kind of thing. They have triangular heads with bulging eyes supported on flexible necks. Listen, I know. I've had to read about all the facts

of the praying mantis. They're the only insect that can turn its head. They're tiny. Like you'd stand on them. Bodies may or may not have wings. Well, they jump, you see.

Oh, I wouldn't be into that now at all. No, no, no, no. But you can buy one of them. Like that's like I couldn't imagine anything worse. What's the weirdest pet you had?

I just had a cat called Monkey. That was it. It's not degrading being sent in the post, is it? Like imagine that poor praying mantis being sent in the post. And then arriving at my house and having to have a theatre. In the post, like literally in the post. In the post, next day delivery, maggots and crickets can come with it. I know.

I wonder if you'd get a lizard. I'd only be holding hands with someone if I'd fallen in a ditch, pissed, and they'd have to drag me out. Oh no, I like holding someone's hands. It makes it... I never was a hand holder. So you went to

the East African Experience? I did indeed. I'm doing that in two weeks. I know! I know. Oh my God, you're going to have an absolute ball. I think I'm literally doing the same trip that you did. Yeah, I think you are.

And it's fantastic. Imagine I see no animals and you saw all the animals. I know, you can't not see. Like they really make you, they kind of will not rest until they show you all the animals. And how long are you out looking for animals every day? Well, we actually found them quite soon. Like we weren't waiting that long. But like they show you all the animals. And how long are you out looking for animals every day? Well, we actually found them quite soon.

Like, we weren't waiting that long. But, like, they know the park inside out. So, do you just go out and you look and you come back? Crack of dawn and you're driven out and remember to wrap up

because it's actually quite cold in the morning and those fans, they've no windows. But you still have, like, a pair of shorts on and a jumper. A jumper, hat.

We had hats and gloves and everything on us. What? It's proper cold. Yeah, because there's no cloud coverage. In the morning, I mean, because you're up with the crack of dawn and then you go out and you see all cold yeah because there's no cloud coverage in the morning I mean because you're up with the crack of dawn

and then you go out and you see all the amazing things like all the little cubs and all the lions and the tigers oh I can't wait it's going to be so good

here's me with my cat tea towel and you're off on safari and I'm bringing all three kids you'll be glad to hear and do you know I nearly left Otto behind

I nearly did and I was like he'll see that in pictures and be like where was I yeah that's a lot though bringing three kids on safari it's a lot

and Spenny's not even flying home with us now Spenny's parents are coming so it's fine oh fine okay yeah yeah yeah put them to work I know so I'll dump

I was like I'll just dump they can have Otto Otto can be theirs for the ten days the Northern Lights oh stop the northern lights honestly what can i just say i like i look no one told me they were coming or whatever so i missed no one no one said a word no one told the shit we get told about and there's nothing about the northern lights no it was like it was hidden from people yeah well yeah I don't know how

I don't know how I don't know how we missed it but anyway but I was like can you imagine spending a fortune going to Iceland to see the Northern Lights

and then you come home and you're in your fucking back garden I can't because I did and I didn't see them even once what? yeah

no I went to Iceland and I went to to see the Northern Lights and I didn't see jack shit oh no and do you know what bothers me most

about these current Northern Lights yeah I didn't see jack shit. Oh no. And do you know what bothers me most about these current Northern Lights? Yeah, go on. Bastards. Yeah. Get it out. Who told them to come here? So the current Northern Lights that happened,

a two and a half minute walk from my house in Hoth where I was sleeping at the time was where everybody had gone to see the Northern Lights on the cliffs. It's two and a half minutes up the road from me

and everyone was like, oh my God, seeing all this dancing green sky and there I am snoring with a face of course with the earplugs in

and everything so I do think like there's something well I suppose because they're not an exact sign it's like

I'm not gonna lie I don't know what they are I think they're like a really bougie rainbow would that be right yeah they're like a bougie rainbow if I were you

I'd be absolutely raging about that now we're gonna die and we won't even see them. I think they're one of those things, they look better on the Instagram. I'm just going to get myself photoshopped into one of those Instagram filters. I think I was just going to put up with her. So I was up the middle of the night all night watching the Northern Lights. But the next night...

They're so northern, look at them. They're so northern, guys. Wow, a word borealis? Wow, a word borealis. But even the next night right the next night I was like

everyone's like they're coming again they're coming again and I was like no I really have to get eight hours sleep tonight now I'm a bit tired actually

I'm working yeah and like come on you've seen one Northern Light you've seen them all but I haven't seen one I mean that is disappointing well do you know it's not disappointing

enough for me to try and do it in round two and I was only thrilled when I woke up on Sunday two and I was only thrilled when I woke up on Sunday morning and everyone was like there was too much cloud coverage. I'm so glad.

I don't even know. I wouldn't even go to Egypt now because I feel like there's going to be a pyramid that's going to appear somewhere locally at some stage in the future and I've wasted all that money.

Like, fuck that. I'm going to wait for the pyramid to come to me. This is going to be on Joanne's death and death that she waited. She really wanted to see the pyramids but she was waiting until they came to London. Did you going to be on Joanne's death and death that she waited. She really wanted to see the pyramids

but she was waiting until they came to London. Did you? They'll flash themselves this side of the planet soon enough. You'll know about this because you're obsessed

with Tutankhamun. Did you know about the curse of his tomb? Go on. Like when people like people opened his people who opened his tomb they all died off

one by one. Well is that not just because they opened it in like the 1920s? No, supposedly. No, obviously they didn't die of old age. They're like, oh God. They died of strange causes

and no one could really pinpoint what it was or figure out what it was. And it actually was because whoever would have buried Tutankhamun, they put some random crap into his tomb.

So anyone who tried to rob it then died. Because I know that they do, they say that when they open all those old tombs that they have to let them, the air is so toxic in there that if you went straight, you'd have to let a fume agate.

I didn't know, that's a little hole I'll go down. Thank you, Vogue. I know, I saw that through the air. I love a curse. Joanne would absolutely, I love a curse on ghosts. I love a curse. Joanne would absolutely, I love a curse on ghosts. I love a curse.

So even though I didn't get to go and see the Northern Lights, I feel like when you have your phone, that blue light that goes around your room is very Northern Light-y. Tell you what we do,

we go home and buy a projector off Teemu. I already have one at home from the kids and we should just go home and lie in the dark and watch the sky and it would be like

the Northern Lights. Exactly. I was going to say though, because I always have my phone and I'm terrible I am bad but I get into bed and I try and not watch

TikTok or Instagram I'm more Instagram and like Spenny's starting to get real annoyed at me so like I feel like I'm in school you know and you're like

looking at your phone I just go down by my way she's like what are you doing I'm like nothing he's like I will confess stop looking at your phone we're trying to spend

time together I'm like oh we weren't spending time together when you were on your phone. Do you know, I came off Instagram last week for like a day. Do you want to please? It was seven hours.

Well, it was more at eight hours, I thought. Anyway, it was honestly because I'm, as you are, we're like betting into our phones a lot and it's kind of part of our job as well. But there was just a lot of like negative shit going on. Anyway, I came off it and I honestly was floating like I just felt like this massive weight

had been lifted off my shoulders I know it is nice it's so nice and the productivity levels I'm like maybe I don't have ADHD maybe I just love Instagram too much do you know what I mean anyway I think I'm going to do

a prolonged break social media break and I'm not going to make an announcement well I think it would be I think it would be TikTok that you should really

kind of try and TikTok is kind of I've kind of gone back to the gram back to the OG yeah it's so distracting oh my god I'm not even going to lie

and say that I'm not I'm just not giving it up I'm very good at like not using it sometimes yeah like when I'm asleep exactly yeah

or when I'm napping sometimes. Yeah. Or if I'm swimming in a pool. Yeah. Never on it there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, funnily,

my mother is on it. Remember I rang her and she texted me going, can't answer, I'm at Aquarobics. I was like, where are you answering your phone?

I'm actually going to give a pod recommendation only because I was listening to it on the way in here. Now, it's very sad. I was nearly crying. But we can't always be listening to happy things. Go on.

We need balance in our lives. It's called Believe Her. And it's about this woman who basically, you find out in the first episode, it's not a spoiler or anything. So it's a woman who went to prison for murdering her husband. But actually he was abusing her.

There's usually a reason why women do it. Yeah and do you know what there is because there's some stats in that and it's like nearly all the women who are put in prison

have been in violent relationships but now I've only done episode one but I was nearly crying on the tube. It's really good because you've got

all her prison phone calls and stuff. Now I think I know what happens in the end because obviously I can't help myself so I won't say it here, but so far it's a really good pod.

Oh, I'll give it a listen. Yeah. I love a good pod recommendation. There's a podcast called Maintenance Phase, which is an American podcast. I think it's about food, but they talk a lot about other things all around that. And they were talking about,

do you remember the documentary Supersize Me? Yeah. Do you remember Morgan Spurlock? Yeah. He ate McDonald's for 30 days and he remember the documentary Supersize Me? Yeah. Do you remember Morgan Spurlock? Yeah. He ate McDonald's for 30 days and he did the documentary Supersize Me and I think it was nominated

for an Oscar or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And after 30 days, they went in and tested him and his liver was in failure mode and all this jazz. Anyway, it's... His liver was in...

I can't remember that but I haven't watched it in so long. So we went to the doctor and the doctor was like, you're going to die and this is when McDonald's started bringing out... After that, McDonald's put bringing out after that McDonald's

put out like little health pedometers in Happy Meals because they were like oh shit give them a bag of fruit yeah that was when the little apples

kind of started featuring in McDonald's anyway it turns out that Morgan Spurlock was actually a vicious alcoholic and had been drinking every day since he was

13 years of age allegedly and that's why his liver was in yes and he just didn't put that in because it was his own documentary so we just kind of tricked everyone

oh my god well now what I will say is there's a book by Chris Van Tulleken that I got spending and he's been giving me all like the little pointers on it it's called Ultra Postless People and actually you're quite good at this

because the way you eat is really really healthy but everything like you have to be very careful thank you but you're always eating salad and stuff like that maybe I should be at the wellness festival is really, really healthy. But everything, like you have to be very careful. But you're always eating salad and stuff like that. Maybe I should be

at the wellness festival. I'd be the before photo. Someone came up and they were like, before wellness, there she is. Someone came up and they were like,

where is she on? I was like, it's not really her vibe. I'm not well. I'm just not well. I'm not well enough to be at wellness, I'm sure.

You could go to wellness next year, maybe next year. Unless I was locked and thought it was, what's that other festival? Wilderness. Wilderness, yeah,

for five days. I tanked up at the tent when I was going to wilderness. The mushrooms weren't processed. So it's this book and it's all about processed food and what you, like even like

a sliced pan, processed, you should be trying to buy yourself sourdough and everything like that and actually it's this book and it's all about processed food and what you, like even like a sliced pan, processed, you should be trying to buy yourself sourdough and everything like that and actually it's really expensive to obviously try and eat not processed food and you can't completely avoid it

because like there's just some things that are delicious and you have to eat them. I love a Dairy Lee Dunker and if that's wrong I don't want to be right. That's definitely wrong.

It's wrong. It is right. That's really wrong actually. That's like dip top levels of wrong I think. But we all have our cross to bear. I love fake melted cheese. I don't want the real shit.

I want the fake melted stuff for the kids. It's so delicious. I want to have to peel my cheese open like a baby ball or an easy single. Oh God, you don't eat easy singles. Please God no. Do you? What was I watching last night?

What did I finally watch? Oh, she finally watched an episode of Taskmaster. Thank you. And my little queen. We chat about the portal. Jo, have you heard about the portal Jo have you heard about the portal oh the portal I mean so it's such

it's a lovely it's a lovely idea so it's basically like this circular thing it's an art installation in Dublin and it's like it's yeah

and basically it's meant to live feed from a place in New York that live feeds back to O'Connell Street in Dublin. It's like a digital meeting space, they're saying, to kind of bring different cities together. So it's like a live feed. I mean, I hope no one takes offense.

To me, it's like a fucking Google doorbell, really. But it's like it turned into a big art installation and you can see people in New York and they wave. It's also why we can never have nice things. Because both sides, people are being arseholes. So people in New York started putting up something like, fuck the leprechauns or something. But you're always going to get a couple of morons.

Do you know what I mean? You're always going to get someone trying to make it political. Apparently someone was putting up in Ireland. They started kind of waving and then they started showing off a swastika. You're always going to get a bit of that. Did you see her one getting dragged off?

I know. 20 minutes she was there pumping and grinding. 20 minutes? Yeah. There's nothing worse. It's like when you're waiting for a swing in the playground,

Jo, and you're like, fucking get off that. Yeah, get off. Yeah, stop the grinding, whatever. She was dragged off. But Mo, I just feel it's unfair

like to put it on O'Connell Street if it's not being matched over on the other side. It's on Fifth Avenue. Like, O'Connell Street's a little rough and ready and then you're putting it, like, that looks like a social experiment. Is it by the spire as well?

People won't get the spike. I don't get the spike. It's like linking O'Connell Street up to the Hamptons and being like, that's not the same thing. What you're saying is it should have gone in Hoth

and I agree. I know. Isn't it? I know. I was thinking though if you could throw stuff through it, like, imagine like I could,

if you could throw a bit of, I'd get a Mountain Dew, throw Bradley Cooper through who's always in New York. Yes. We'll have him, thank you. Calling it a portal does suggest some sort of

time travel element where really it is, like I say, a giant Google doorbell. But again, a great talking point. I will be going in for a wave when I'm home.

So, 100%. Ah, yeah. But what I will say is, so I got into a little hole when I was looking at the portal and I was looking at Times Square because there's always

a live feed to Times Square. Supposedly, for $150, every hour, for 15 seconds, for one day, $150, you could put your picture up. So you could have a picture of yourself

and you could basically just be up on the billboard for 15 seconds. How much? $150. That seems like a great value. I think we should do that. Like, and just have a like billboard of our podcast. Listen, listen. What? It's only, that can't be right.

That's what I Googled. I'm telling you. And I listened to Google. And supposedly you could do between 5 grand and 50 grand a day for an ad

and I thought even that's quite good we do need to up our American listeners we do yeah I was in a Amber and I were driving

by Piccadilly when we were there with her and she was like looking out the window like oh my god what is this and I was like

what do you mean and she was like wow I was like are you saying wow about Piccadilly Circus? She was so fascinated by it. Have you been to it?

It's like four screens or something. I was like, I'm here. She was literally like, wow! But when you come in, it's like when I first went to New York. We're obviously a bit climatised to it now.

But there's certain cities that you go into and it is kind of a casting. Like London is, we forget because we're here so much, but it's so bright and the billboards

are absolutely huge, you know. There was, there's a big article in the Daily Mail about that, there was all like these hooligans

taking advantage of it in Ireland. And I was like, that's a bit much. Anyway, but one of the lads, which I did kind of think was quite sweet.

So he was waving and then he mooned into the portal from the Dublin side. And I thought, that to me, with everything that's going on in the world,

it gave me, it's so wholesome mooning, isn't it? It feels like it's kind of gone. It was like a thing of the past and now it's back and I just think that's quite sweet.

It's nice that that's still a thing. Nice to lie with ours in the air to America. Why not? Yeah, I think we should all start mooning each other and jocking each other. It's nice that that's still a thing. Nice to lie with ours in the air to America. Why not? Yeah, I think we should all start mooning each other and jockeying each other. Let's start jockeying each other again.

Jockeying is a bit aggressive. Jockeying is where you pull someone's pants down. No, that's sexual assault. Okay, now mooning and jockeying for me. I think jockeying is sweet. No, you don't. Jockeying is sweet.

No, you don't. Sweet, sweet, sweet. You're going to prison if you start jockeying people in this environment. I just thought, mooning, good for sweet. You're going to prison if you start talking to people in this environment. I just thought, mooning, good for you. Yeah.

What a sweet, what a sweet thing to do. What a sweet gesture. Do you know what I mean? What a kind boy. Isn't it? I'm good crack. It's kind of cute.

It's like, I don't know. It's not, it's not like you're not, like it's not flashing. It's not flashing. It's innocent. It's a bit of crack. It's like waving a tally

to me down the portal. It's not flashing. It's innocent. It's a bit of crack. It's like waving a telly to me down the portal. It's just kind of cute. Yeah. We should be going into that fucking portal and advertising our podcast live tour which is going to be

in New York City on October 11th of October and the 10th of October in Boston. Wilbur Theatre in Boston. Wilbur Theatre in Boston Wilbur Theatre in Boston well that's it this week

thank you so much for listening and I hope you have a lovely weekend thank you as always for listening also do like and subscribe if you're feeling

that way inclined oh wow one of those days wow I just listen to other podcasts and they're always asking people to like and subscribe and we

always says this do yeah Joanne has notions this is her notion of the week like and subscribe I feel Jo says this do yeah Joanne has notions this is her notion of the week like and subscribe I feel Joanne's notion of the week

it's giving subscription this week that's what it's giving okay yeah let's do it and it oh we always love

getting your emails I do love do you know what actually can we thank you for the emails because the emails are so

fire oh how cool am I sorry fire alright pookie have you seen that tiktok couple snooki for the emails because the emails are so fire. How cool am I? Sorry, fire? Or a pookie. Have you seen that TikTok couple? Snooki.

Pookie and your man. I showed. Pookie is fire. He's so fire. Now your emails are always so deadly and we really appreciate them. And sorry we don't get

to read them all out. We try to get through as many as we can but we love to get them and sometimes I just take them home and read them in my private time. Yeah, perfect. Let's end it there with those with those emails Jo I've nothing on for the weekend Bye.