My Therapist Ghosted Me - MTGM EXTRA! "How in the f***ing hellfire did I get here?!"

Episode Date: May 22, 2024

This week, Vogue's on fire and Joanne might have caught Avril's attention. Plus, an epic space-gin tale and a hen costume to remember. If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.comFor more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player original podcast. Welcome to My Parapus Ghosted Me on a Wednesday with myself, Joanne McNally, and my partner in crime, Vogue Williams. Happy Hump Day. Is that what it's called? Happy Hump Day It is indeed I hope you are Humping along As much as you

So your heart So desires On this Hump Day itself On the Hump Day Any Humpings for yourself Jo how's your How's your hump doing Has anyone been

Humping today? Lovely Hump Day Thrilled yeah Humping through Like a pro Jvogue Joe how's your how's your hump doing or has anyone been humping today lovely hump day thrilled yeah humping through like a pro Javogue riddle me this how was Kevin Bridges

I love him he was so funny obviously I was going to say that because like he walked out and I'm like and he hadn't even said hello yet

so he might he might have been crap but I think he's... What a clown. No, he was. He was very, very funny. Like, really funny. He's really good at, like, just kind of on the spot stuff as well.

Because, like, people... As you know, you've taught me well on what I should be like when I'm at a comedy gig but like there was a couple of people filming and he was like can't film and like they got taken out

and I think that they then do the security look at their phone and delete it I don't I guess they might because they don't

because it's a work in progress the rules are that there's no recording that's the rules everyone knows the rules you could say something wildly inappropriate to try it out

and it doesn't work and then you know yeah there was there was definitely a couple of them but I'm hoping he uses again yeah

he's edgy he can get away with that stuff he was like my gateway drug into comedy he was the one I started on I kind of started on Kevin

really because I rang my mum and I was like I'm going to see Kevin Bridges and she goes I love him I was like how do you know him Joanne told me that her agent looked after Kevin Bridges and I was like I'm going to see Kevin Bridges and she goes I love him I was like how do you know him?

Joanne told me that her agent looked after Kevin Bridges and I was like who's he? And this is like what six months ago and now I'm a mega fan.

You're like with my friend Anya I was like I love Britney and she's like who's she? And I was like are you high?

Like hit me baby one more time I'd been in the charts for like three years at that stage at number one and I was like where, what rock have you been living under? Now, in fairness, Britney's more ubiquitous than Kevin is, but

still, it's the same thing. You know him now. It's never too late to get high on Kevin Bridges. Never too late. No, and I am definitely high on that supply. I'm really jealous you're going to Abu Dhabi with him. So jealous. Yes, that's a nice segue into plugging that show. Actually, me, Kevin Bridges and Tommy Tierney will be in Abu Dhabi

on May 19th in the Etihad arena it's actually already happened by the time it's already happened ah it's already happened and it went swimmingly so basically yeah i got a i got a standing ovation in the etihad arena and i'm from what i remember i know tommy and kevin were booed off the stage Scarlett but it was a great success I heard that as well but I'm so glad that you did so well

and I actually heard that they asked them to leave they were like guys we want Joanne they were chanting Joanne, Joanne, Joanne oh yeah

yeah yeah yeah they're like boo every time Tommy tried to come on they're like stay to you I know yeah

and I know you felt really bad about it but like I did yeah you took the reins and you just gave the people what they wanted. I did. I did a full two hours

and the lads just cried out the back. A full two hours of brand new material. Brand new material and standing up. They stood for the whole thing. They stood for the whole thing. I was like, guys, sit down, please. I actually saw the security removing chairs and I wondered why they were taking the chairs away.

There was just no need for them. No need for them. No need for them no need for them no need for them yeah I know yeah it was wild and then at the end Leonardo DiCaprio came on

and he opened a bottle of champagne in my face and then we wrote it was wild anyway look it's not about me and is it true

about the headphones then was it true about the headphones no well Leo actually said we were backstage in the Etihad Arena the lads were crying

in the room next door me and Leo were riding in my dressing room and they'd Arena The lads were crying In the room next door Me and Leo were riding In my dressing room And they'd kick the lads Out of their eyes And I swiped all three And Leo said Usually I ride with headphones

But what you did out there Was so crazy Oh stop That he took one headphone out And he rode with one airpod Oh my god Yeah And he said

He's never done that before Do you remember When I flew in then and I joined you no no I don't I don't remember that happening

no I flew in and I joined her and I was I was with Bradley Cooper and Harry Styles in the next room

sorry this is my fantasy vote no excuse me if I'm adding to your fantasy I'm being in it you're lucky I'm not in that room with you and Leo because I would go there

the show was so good that they shut down Abu Dhabi and they said no one's getting in and no one's getting out and you tried to get in but you couldn't and you had to go to the same parts. Joanne is now the king of Abu Dhabi. They've gotten rid of the actual king of Dubai and Abu Dhabi and Joanne is now part of the

she's a sheik in the royal family over in Dubai. A sheik. I'm shaking it over there anyway Anyway look It's that show business You win some you lose some I'm sure next week I'll probably struggle

So It was just a great night I highly doubt that My friend You're about to feel him on a roll now You've done really well But I felt sorry for the lads now In fairness

I know Should that be going on But I did go and see him last night And it was very good I really liked it Thoroughly enjoyed 10 out of 10 And if that's his His warm up Or whatever you call it I can't imagine what the real thing I did go and see him last night and it was very good. I really liked it. Thoroughly enjoyed it. 10 out of 10.

And if that's his warm up or whatever you call it I can't imagine what the real deal would be like. Well I just told you. Oh yeah, shite. It was shite. Sorry I forgot about that. Absolute garbage. I don't want to sound big headed

and I wasn't sure if I was going to say this or not but I'm on fucking fuego at the moment. I don't know to sound big headed and I wasn't sure if I was going to say this or not but I'm on fucking fuego at the moment I don't know what's going on I have had three guys come on to me in the last two days I was like

I was like what? I thought it was a new app you mean you're on you're on fire in a continental way I don't know why I came home to Spain and I was like

Who? Well there was a man in the vet yesterday a man in the vet yesterday A man in the vet and he was a long time chatting to me Somebody that I know online

Oh Jesus Getting flirty with me and I thought hang on pal there can't be any of that Stop And another man at a restaurant

the other night I was like excuse me I went home to Sven and I was like I just have to let you know something by the way

Everybody fancies me at the moment and he goes oh that's so weird everyone fancies me too and I was like no just have to let you know something by the way everybody fancies me at the moment and he goes oh that's so weird everyone fancies me too and I was like no they don't they don't

you're like I can't leave the house Paul why was that but no one the reason I think I can say it is because nobody ever comes on to me

like ever ever ever I've got like 97% female followers I'm more complimented by women I never get complimented by men not really it's because you're married they're like well in fairness I don't get it either. I'm more complimented by women. I never get complimented by men. Not really.

It's because you're married. They're like, well, in fairness, I don't get it either and I'm not married. Excuse me. The man with the dog. You saw a man about a dog. That was one guy. I don't know what happened there.

There was another guy. Don't forget that. The other fella who rang you. And then there's a third guy. So actually, both of us are doing something right at the moment well one of my guys went away he went very quiet

so he's been benched I've benched him well I think that what's really important and what was helpful to me when I was single was that you have to have a few guys

that you're texting at one time because Joanne you and I we get a little bit attached and I think it's important to have other avenues 100%

so we don't focus on this one person you need a couple on the boil couple on the boil and one in the microwave you need a couple on the boil

one in the microwave absolutely two lads in the dishwasher just fill the whole kitchen with them don't focus on one it's dangerous yeah it's very dangerous

and you think that you're like oh no we're so in love no no no no no no you won't be so in love if you're going to obsess can I tell you my news go on you know the way I did that Avril Lavigne podcast with BBC Sounds you're like, oh no, we're so in love. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You won't be so in love if you're going to obsess. Can I tell you my news?

Go on. You know the way I did that Avril Lavigne podcast with BBC Sounds, who replaced Avril Lavigne with CBC Podcasts? Well, what's the story? Reductions, just to get everyone in there. Well, Avril is now on a kind of press junket trying to deny the claims. She hasn't name checked the podcast,

which in fairness, I probably wouldn't either but she's on Call Her Daddy saying that she's not Melissa and now that has spread out and there's press outlets reporting on the fact she's not Melissa and the pod's after

taking off again. So I'm absolutely thrilled. Stop. Thrilled. Thank you Avril or Melissa whoever the fuck you are I don't care.

No I've never been no I have to say I've never been a huge Avril Lavigne fan I have to say. Sorry about that. Oh. I've never been. Now, I have to say, I've never been a huge Avril Lavigne fan, I have to say. Sorry about that. Oh. I'll probably get taken down

by her fans now. I am an Avril fan and Avril, if you're listening to this, I would love to meet. I'm sure that's going to happen and she might go on your pod. You never know. Dismiss the rumours.

She doesn't seem like the type now, to be honest. But I am a big Avril fan. I think Complicated's one of the best songs Skater Boy I'm with you Whatever that one is

And yeah Anyway Thank you Avril For inadvertently Boosting the Avril podcast again Remember my cat tea towel? Yeah That I never knew where it came from

And I was quite disturbed by it Yeah Guess who sent it to me? Who? Garoud Why have you said something like that? I can't believe you still have it You brought it home

Well I can't waste it It's a cat I'm not throwing out a cat I'm not a fucking monster do you know what he said to me he was like do you mind I sent you that

and I said well why are you suggesting like I should know he said well I asked you what you wanted for your birthday he said I offered you an air fryer and I said to him

don't waste your money on an air fryer so he said so that was next on my list so I said so I got so it was an air fryer or a four pound

cat tea towel I was like I didn't realise there was no middle ground there. I would have gone for the air fryer. You absolutely should have gotten an air fryer. I'm surprised you don't have one. I said, don't waste your money.

And he clearly didn't, because this is what I got. The cat tea towel. You actually look quite similar. Look at the two other ones that are sell side by side. You're like the same person. Sorry, it's actually not a cat. It's not a tea towel. It's a bath towel. And then he sent me a photo person sorry it's actually

not a tea towel it's a bath towel and then he sent me a photo of how it's supposed to be used a bath towel what do you mean so you clean your back

you can put fake towel on your back no it's not it's like it sits on your you know the rail that you put your towels on just sits there

and then it's sick it's disgusting if you come near my house with that don't even think about it I'm selling a lot of clothes On second row

I might throw the cat in as well Yeah no one's gonna No one's gonna take that By the way I am selling I have three boxes of clothes There to go to Second row And there's some good stuff in there

There's like Ghani boots There's an Armani suit I was kind of upset That you didn't let me Have a look through first But like you know It's fine It's for Charlie

I just I wanted It's like those boxes have been sitting there for months they need to go anyway all the money is going to UNICEF

and I must get the date of when she's putting them on sale anyway and the cat tea towel is also going in there oh everyone would be thrilled do you know what's in there Vogue

what the sandals oh my god stop yeah the sandals are going on sale I'll tell you what I will get

I will donate To you If they sell I'll donate money To your To your UNICEF Because there's no way Anyone's going to buy them

I couldn't imagine In a million years What? There's no way There's no way I would be The most shocked person In the world

Now No no no You can't buy them back yourself No no no I won't buy them back Don no no no don't pay anyone else you've nothing to do with that this is all for charity Vogue I'm not going to play it already

okay fine we'll see this is all for UNICEF Ireland yeah yeah we'll see if those sandals sell and trust me they will sell oh Joanne

come on surely you can see now you've been away from the sandals for so long they've gone in the pile so you don't like them anymore I was admiring them so much, I thought, am I doing the right thing here?

And I said, no, no, no, no. Don't look back. Just put them in the box. Steal the box. Move on with your life. It's like me in that stripy, ganny dress. I still look at it lovingly, and I'm like, I can't wear that again, because everyone's just going to slag me. Or just wear it in the privacy of your own home. Where is that?

Because remember we used it on tour for a second, and I made you dress up in it. Oh, in the privacy of your own home. Where is that? Because remember we used it on tour for a second and I made you dress up in it. Oh, in the electric picnic we had it. Yes. Oh my God, I hope I haven't lost that because I do love that dress. Hey girls, love the pod. Anonymous, please.

I don't want to get fired. Having heard your chatsies... Uh-oh, do you want to go like that? Having heard your chatsies last week about flying, drinking, etc. I couldn't not write in. I've just got back from a work trip to Asia. I was flying there alone, thankfully,

and meeting a colleague out in Singapore. I can't afford business class in real life, but travelling with work means I get a ticket to the top deck. Bragging to my friends before I went about kicking back with some space jeans, as Joanne McNally would say. Anyway, one, two, skip a few thousand. I'm on the first leg from the UK to Dubai, probably 15 champers in and 24 vodka martinis down, tucking into my nightcap of a Negroni chewing Sally and Jim

from Southport's ears off at the bar yes for all the fellow poor people out there there was a bar on the top deck

at this point there's still about three hours to go before we land in Dubai hang on that's only a seven hour flight in four hours

well done you're certainly getting your money's worth sorry folk we don't judge here there's no judgement here there's not That's only a seven hour flight and four hours, well done. You're certainly getting your money's worth. Sorry, folk, we don't judge here. There's no judgment here. There's not. No, no, no.

This woman sounds very close to my heart. Okay, hang on until we finish the email. We'll reserve that statement until we finish the email. Even I'm impressed by 15 champers and four hours.

Like that's... 15 champers, 24 vodka. Now they're very small. Very good. Next thing I know, I'm being tapped on the knee by an air hostess waking me up for my beautiful

coconut overnight oats breakfast letting me know we are only one hour away from landing in Singapore the absolutely mental thing at this point is

I am not on the plane that I remember being on and I'm certainly no longer sat in seat 10A. How in the fucking hellfire did I get here? I managed to sink drinks like I was on a hen do bottomless brunch on that first flight and somehow navigate my way off a plane through to connections and onto the next flight with

absolutely zero memory alone blackout i think that's kind of spectacular oh my god is that it no a real life episode of the hangover kicked in and i proceeded to have the panic attack of the century in the toilet cubicle before settling into my very posh business class breakfast worrying about what an actual mess I may have been. Did I get pushed through Dubai airport to connections in a wheelchair? What did I look like at passport control? I will never know and to be quite honest I don't

ever want to find out. Oh wow. Oh my god. It's pretty scary when something like that happens. That's special. Do you know what? The main thing is, you made your flight. You didn't wake up sellotape to your seat. There was no civilian's arrest.

And so let's just chalk it down. Chalk it down to experience. What you don't know won't hurt you. Because I have had blackouts in the past. And once no one reminds you of it, it's okay. Because you don't know what happened. Exactly. And I'm not going to go into the details

but I have had a similar experience my worst I think was that time that I told you about the Brits after party years ago it was just

I don't even want to think about that that makes me think about that night and knowing how fearful I should be because you know when you know

you've embarrassed yourself and you're like oh well Spenny's actually really good like that that's probably why we've been married for so long. He'll never say to me

the next day, oh, obviously we've been married for so long because I love him as well. Of course. But he'll never say, he'll never say,

oh, do you remember what you did last night? He's really nice about it. Yeah. You're like, I can't stand the man but he never reminds me of what I did

when I was pissed and that's the glue that keeps us together. Every time I post a pod video of Spenny and I someone will ride underneath oh does she even like him and this woman rode underneath and I was like no Patricia I married him for the laugh and I've been with him for eight years because I hate him like and I guess because you tease each other a lot so you know but they don't know that's your that's your pod persona where you slag the shit

out of each other and then behind closed doors you're like plaiting each other's hair and massaging each other's backs I've seen it yeah we are there is a lot there's a lot of love there yeah Spenny's more full-on than I would like but like I've learned to live with it I've become more affectionate because of him yeah I came from a family of no real hugging like I don't remember hugging my family you see me and Amber when we hug each other hello, and I really like her. And like, we'll be like, hi. We're not really touchy, you know that way?

Yeah. Girls, after COVID restrictions were lifted and we could all travel abroad again, I went to the most feral hen party to Spain. Don't ask me where exactly it was because I take the McNally approach to travel. I literally have no idea where it was because I take the McNally approach to travel. I literally have no idea where it was.

I'll never, in my whole life. Turn up on the day, get on the plane, ask no questions. It doesn't matter where you are. In my whole life, I'll never forget your Greek holiday.

I'll never forget it. Do you remember me, do you remember me flying from, I think I was flying from Australia to Dubai and because it said I took off at 12 and landed at 2, I thought the flight was like a two to Dubai. And because it said I took off at 12 and landed at 2, I thought it was like a two-hour flight.

And I hadn't downloaded a single thing. Now I have to see if it's had the TV's and all. I'm pretty hands off. It was my job to bring the head. I'd love to be like that, by the way. I'd love to not be in charge of looking at the boards and packing for people. It was my job

to bring the headliner costume for the bride to be. It was a jumpsuit which was innocuous enough, but when we arrived in Spain, we'd assembled the masterpiece. Purchase and packed were ten big floppy dildos that would be pinned all over the jumpsuit. She'd have dicks coming out

of her knees, shoulders, the lot. Oh, God. God, love her. I arrived at Luton Airport ready for the 6am gins and all the rest, excited. All I needed to do was breeze through security and it would be go, go, go from there. My bag came out of the machine and did that pause.

Where you know it's about to go sideways rather than continue towards you. Off it went. I'd have to meet the security guard at the end to do the yes, I packed it myself routine. Wait, oh fuck. I have just short of a dozen dildos in there. Oh Jesus, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I knew I couldn't argue about them opening the case or make a scene because they think I was a drug mule. I just had to start it out as the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 Caucasian dildos were unveiled to the busy room and the team of security personnel. I just shrugged my shoulders and said something about being recently single and they let me on my way. I guess the biggest letdown was that the dildo surprise was ruined for the bride. She still looked amazing in it though.

And I've been listening from the start. Love it all. I love stories like that. I hate that. The shame. She's like, I'm very wide. I'm very wide.

Please don't judge me me I'm a wide woman Now pack up my dildos I must be on my way Thanks a million everyone for listening We hope that you have a ridey hump day We'll see you on Friday. you